Episode 19: Lifting Your Voice
Laarni Mulvey
About: Today we talk with Laarni Mulvey who learned at 5 years old that sometimes we aren't accepted for who we are but who society thinks we need to be. It took her many years to learn to speak her truth and be true to who she is. She is a Women's Strength Advocate, Author, Speaker and Power Lifter, Laarni Mulvey, is the Founder of Strong and Mighty Company. Her own internal power allows her to channel her voice focusing on encouraging women to harness their own unique power and strength. Using her voice to bring about global change and awareness to the narrative surrounding the perception of women. Known as ‘The Power Lady’ she encourages and leads women to honor themselves and build a powerful legacy for future generations. Her message is to champion women to let them know they are stronger than they think they are.
You may find her:
IG - @laarnimulvey
Podcast Transcript Below:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents where devastated, crumbled, fractured people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole.
Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Laarni Mulvey. She has many roles in her life, sister, wife, powerlifter, and more. We talk about how her identity crisis started when she was five, moved to the United States and had to put on shoes for the first time and learn how to be Asian in America. Let's talk.
Welcome Laarni to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. It's great to have you here today.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:02:08] Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:10] Yeah. You know, I was really happy before we started the recording. I got your name right on the first try.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:02:16] Yeah, you did. And it's funny cause there's like so many different variations on my name, but you got it. You got it.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:23] What are some of the other variations?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:02:25] I'm Filipino and really, okay. So my name is spelled L A A R N I the two A's right there used to give people a hiccup because really my name is pronounced LA Arnie.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:39] So I didn't actually get it right the way it was meant to be, but I got it the way you.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:02:44] But you got it, you got it. But yeah, that's like part of like the identity of who I was back in the day, you know, you fight for your name, your name is who you are. And, growing from the, coming from the Philippines to the States and becoming Asian in America, those two A's were not very helpful.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:02] Oh, wow. That's really interesting. Asian in America. I'm seeing the AA right there. Very interesting. Well, so you came on here to talk about your biggest struggle. Tell us what happened and when it started and all that. Yeah. Just tell us that story.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:03:20] Yeah. So, my story of personal struggle really, took place when I moved from the Philippines to the U.S. And. In the Philippines. That's where as I, I'm a free spirit in general, it's been in me my whole life. So, you know, running around with no shoes in shorts, cause you know, it's a tropical climate moving to the States.
And the first thing that I really experienced as someone would coming here, my grandparents picked us up from the airport, my myself and my family and my grandparents gave me shoes. It was the first time I had to put something binding on my feet,
so first thought in my head was like, what are these?
And you know how you put like those little booties on a dog and may walk kind of funky. That's how I felt. That's how I felt.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:16] I'm laughing hard because we did that. Okay. We did that. We have chihuahuas, we did that, you know, the front leg goes way up and then the back leg goes way up and they're walking, like all teary taught there, Teeter tottering, like, and they just cannot find their balance. It was the funniest thing ever.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:04:35] That's how I felt. I felt like I was like, Oh my God, what are, what are these? And then I had to learn how to tie shoes. So like the shoes that were given to me were the Velcro, like the Velcro strap ones. But like, when I felt that, like that first thing was like the first sign of like my conformity, you know, being that Asian girl in America, I mean, I'm 44.
So this was like back in the eighties. And, there wasn't much for me to like, know about when it came to, Figuring out who I was, because now it was like a transition from being Filipino to being Asian-American, to being Filipino-American. And like those standards that's when it all started was when I put those shoes on, and then the clash of my cultural standards versus American standards.
And then where did I fall? You know, where did I fall? How did I find out who I was?
Damaged Parents: [00:05:33] so at five you're already confused. And you could identify with that at five. What was that feeling like inside of you?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:05:41] it was confusing. It was like the excitement confusing. Cause I'm in a new place and new experiences. I was like, Oh yeah, cool. It's America. But then. I started realizing all the, like, don't do that. You can't do that. You're only like four foot, you can't do that. It was like, all these nos started coming at me.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:05] so you didn't get that in the Philippines.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:06:08] No, because it was like in the Philippines. We had like my sister and I had like, like nannies that, you know, they played with us. We, you know, you just go outside your door and play and be free spirit, you know, like climb the trees, everything. When I came here and I, we came straight to Chicago, the Chicago land area, and it was like, you can't go out in the front yard.
You're not supposed to, you can't cross the street. You're not supposed to, you have to ask to go to the backyard. It was like those, those like troubling thing, you know, it was like, all these lines were drawn so quickly from the transition that it like confused me. Like I was he because I'm like, well, I used to be able to do that.
Why can't I do that now? And. It was, it was disheartening.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:58] Yeah. And it sounds like when you were in the Philippines create, you could go outside and investigate and be curious. Curiosity was really important. So then you came here and there's rules and guidelines and you kind of have to live inside this box.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:07:13] Yes. Yes. That box there drove me to a lot of anger. Yeah. A lot of resentment, a lot of bitterness, growing up because of like, I would see. Okay. So we didn't really have television in the Philippines. I mean, we did, but I don't really recall, like seeing a lot of stuff on TV, but now in the States we're inside more or I'm inside more and what's our pastime watch TV.
What do I see on TV in the eighties? These shows that sh you know, like the, the slender blonde daughter, the, the, uh, the family that like, is so happy and loving and good job, buddy, you know, like those kinds of things.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:57] uh, you reminded me of Leave It To Beaver. I just age myself.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:08:01] Okay. I mean, it's like that those kinds of programs are the ones that I grew up with and I didn't see myself in any of them, but then I started comparing myself to them.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:12] Okay.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:08:12] I started comparing my life to them. Why can't I have a dog? Why can't I do this? How come they look like that? I don't look like that.
And it was really, I mean, cause every show was like, almost the same different title, but it was the same visual look that I kept seeing all the time.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:31] so did you want to like physically change yourself somehow?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:08:35] Yeah. Yes. And we were talking, we were talking before we were like doing this and we're like, we're talking about my name and how I fought for my name. You know, the two A's in my name, there's supposed to be like a little pause there. It's supposed to be Lornie, but. The first time I introduced myself at a school, they never heard the L a part.
They always heard the end part. And that was, you know, like Sesame street was really popular. And, so like the Burt and Ernie, skits were there. So they would always call me Burt and Ernie.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:09] Oh, wow.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:09:10] So I would be like right now, you see my eyebrows are totally like beautiful in shape. I mean, I had that, I had the uni brow call me Ernie all the time or Burt and Ernie.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:21] Little stinkers they're so mean.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:09:23] So what is my first experience getting bullied about my name?
Damaged Parents: [00:09:28] Oh, wow. Your first experience in the syllabus. Well, no, the very first one was getting shoes, but your first experience with other kids, it sounds like was the name.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:09:38] Yes, what's the name?
Damaged Parents: [00:09:40] And this is now where you in a school that had a good mix of people or of different, uh, was it diverse or were you in a school, a school that was not diverse.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:09:49] It was, they called it a magnet school. And I don't know if they have it. I don't even know if they have them still a magnet school is like, there was no boundaries. Like if you can get bused in, you were. You were able to come to this school and, you know, it was, it was very interesting to be able to be like, I see the diversity, which is the first thing that I really did experience diversity in school because, you know, coming from the Philippines, we all looked alike, but then now going to an American school, it was like a ton of different people, which is cool to me.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:21] so you found it exciting. It wasn't, was it, it wasn't weird. It was
Laarni Mulvey: [00:10:25] It wasn't weird. Like, I was like, cool. You know, people, Hey, whatever. But it was just my name.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:32] Got it.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:10:33] It w it was just so difficult to fight for my name and be like, it's two A's it's Laarni, you know? and it's just like, eventually. Now everybody calls me, just everybody calls me Laarni and it's that, that fight for my name.
I was like, I give up, just call me Laarni.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:55] so would you prefer. If people called you LA LA Ernie, did I say that right now?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:11:00] Yeah. Yeah, no, I haven't heard it said that way in such a long time that I. I don't have a preference.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:08] Got it.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:11:09] And I don't, I don't correct anyone unless they really butcher my name. Okay. That's, that's a totally different story, but like really it's like, I've transitioned the Laarni to Laarni, but like, my identity is to Laarni, but it's, uh, it's like a different level of my identity.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:31] Okay. Explain that to me because I really don't understand.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:11:35] So, okay. So Laarni is the, the shy, a shy girl who really wanted to bust out too, who really, you know, who she was, who she wanted to be. And, it really, that Laarni brings back like, Days of being really angry, being really, unknowing of who she was, being depressed, being suicidal. And, it's almost like once I transitioned my name to Laarni, it was, it was like a different level of my life where I wanted to build a different me.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:15] Got it. Okay.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:12:16] Yeah. And the different me doesn't mean like I let go of Laarni like, I it's , I've used those lessons from back in the day to build who I am now. So that's why I don't, let go of her. I keep her alongside with me, but I don't let go of her.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:35] right now. I did hear you say at some point you were suicidal. Was that also tied into this identity? I'm going to call it a crisis.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:12:44] Yes. Oh no, yes, yes. It was totally an identity crisis because, and this was like in my like teenage
Damaged Parents: [00:12:51] So this lasted many, many, many, many years. Okay. Okay.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:12:56] when we moved to one of the suburbs in the Chicago land area, I tried to carry my name over. And I did my best, did whatever it's learning, learning, learning. but then when I got in my teenage years, you know, those are the teenage angst years.
That's when we're like looking, we're really like searching for ourselves. but I've like, I've been searching for myself since I got here.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:19] right.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:13:20] who's whose life was I living? I was living my parents' life that they wanted me to be. I was living the American standard of your Asian. Don't say don't, don't, don't ruffle too many feathers.
You're small. So let's keep you small. Let's make sure that you don't have a voice. And you know that that's saying, you know, you keep baby in a corner. I was in the corner.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:46] well, and I'm thinking maybe your parents or grandparents, or whoever's teaching you this, or even if it's just the world, maybe it was partly the world, but I'm thinking the be quiet and other things like that came from your parents and I'm thinking maybe they were thinking, this is what's going to help you stay safe.
I don't know. What, what are your thoughts on
Laarni Mulvey: [00:14:03] Yes. Yeah. So that's like the protective aspect of, parents want to protect their kids. And when. When we moved here, you know, my parents needed to find jobs. And so they, you know, went their ways in the morning and I went to school, but keeping me inside was their protective way. And I, and I am so grateful for that because honestly, like if they didn't protect me in that manner, I would, I would probably have been in front of a car somewhere because I'm like running all over the place who knows.
But, you know, that identity part. That identity crisis did. I mean, I found me through high school, but it hit me really hard.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:43] so what's happening at this time in high school, when you're feeling like you're having those suicidal thoughts and things like that, what's going on.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:14:50] So, I've always had like a lot of energy. And, I, this was the time, like I was seeing a lot more athletics on TV. Like I was really into like tennis and watching them on TV. And I was like, you know what? I want to be an athlete so bad. And I, you know, as a kid, you know, I was running around. I knew I was an athlete when I was younger and I really wanted to be an athlete in my teenage.
I wanted to play sports and I wasn't allowed to. Yeah, protective the protective side of my family. And, also like in the field, in the Philippines, it's like, girls in sports, wasn't something, it wasn't something supported or it wasn't something like, it wasn't something like that was, important.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:37] and I think,
Laarni Mulvey: [00:15:37] was number one.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:38] right, but also I think that women were just really starting to break out into this, this stuff. Starting 60 seventies, eighties, early nineties, I think is when you were probably in high school. Right. So. That would have been a really new concept, especially since you only came at five, when gender, what's the word I'm looking for it, you know, where the, where the gender roles are so defined by what a man does and what a women woman does.
Okay. Okay.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:16:11] Yes. So there wasn't much that I saw in, in athletics, but I wanted to be an athlete so bad. So, in high school, you know, that was where everybody went to high school. Everybody wants to play sports in high school and that's what I saw on TV. So that's what I wanted to be. I wanted to go to school and play like some kind of sport.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:32] It didn't matter to you, which one?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:16:34] No I wanted to try them all.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:36] okay. Awesome. That's awesome.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:16:38] And, I tried out for the dance team and, you know, the protective aspect of my parents, especially my dad. He found out that I went to go try out for the dance team and he came to the school and took me out of the tryout.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:51] Oh, were you so embarrassed?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:16:53] It was so I was like, Okay. All right.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:56] Do you remember your thought in that moment of where you, so I'm sorry, I cut you off. I just, would've been so mad at dad. Oh my gosh.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:17:06] where that underlying anger and bitterness comes from. Because I was like, dad, this is what I wanted to do. Like, I want to do this. And, he like did not approve all he like was like, no, you are not doing this. , and then after that experience, I didn't try out for anything.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:26] Oh man.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:17:28] Because I wanted to, you know, I wanted to make sure my dad's still love me, even though I was like, still rebellious at that time.
Like I just wanted to make sure he's he loved me. And, so I didn't do anything to make him like,
Damaged Parents: [00:17:40] Okay. Right. Let me see if I get this right in order to be true to yourself. You were gonna, you had dad was going to be mad and if dad was mad, then your belief at that time was that he didn't love you for the simple reason that he was mad. Well, I don't know if that's true or not. Right. We don't know that dad would have withdrawn his love.
I don't know. I don't know your dad,
Laarni Mulvey: [00:18:04] my, my dad, I mean, he, I knew he loved me, but I knew he was protective of me. And. Are our heads always clashed. Even when I was at that time, our heads always clashed and I wanted to do it, but I respected my father and I didn't do it. And so anything that I, that I made, maybe not made him man, but I just didn't want him to lose his daughter.
That, yeah. He used to tell, he's telling my sister and I like, I didn't raise weak children. And to me in my mind disrespecting my father was like a weakness in my mind, in my, my head. Like, you should be respectful to your father and everything. And I felt like whenever I rebelled, that was the. Disrespecting of him and our culture. And, as much as like I wanted to do this, but I'm a teenager. I need to be respectful to my, my family. So it was like, okay. I'm in a compromise right now in my teenage years, but did it, but deep down, I, it not being able to express myself like that in like movement athletics or something like that, that, that really was like the depressed part.
That was my depressed part.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:24] so maybe, maybe you felt crushed.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:19:27] yeah, like it was, it's like, I was so disappointed. That I couldn't be like everybody else. Like everybody was like doing stuff with their friends and going out and I couldn't do that, That that free spirit in me was like, like squishing me down, like squish this Quip.
And that's where like all that anger and those, those suicidal thoughts. I used to punch things so hard. I'd like bust walls in my door. I would kick the couch so hard that I would break the bed.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:59] Oh,
Laarni Mulvey: [00:20:00] Oh yeah. I w I was, I know. And that's like, like that's the reason why I kind of knew what my strength was, because it was like, if I can punch, if I can punch a hole, you know, like that. And it was, it was like, I used to cut myself a lot on my hands, on my, my forearms, you know, that's how my outlet of like, of like that, that like oppressed feeling.
That was like my outlet at that time.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:23] Can I ask you a question about that? So the cutting did it, did it, so it seems like with, with everything else that was going on, you, you had no sense of power. So I'm thinking maybe the cutting gave you, like I have control over this, or I've also heard it numbs the feeling. I don't know.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:20:42] Like I, you know, when I look back and, and understand the cutting part that I did, it was like an impulsive reaction to be, to be being able to do something. And it was less, and this is going to sound like maybe in different to some people, but it was less damaging than putting a hole in the wall.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:04] okay.
And I think though everybody probably has different experiences with those that do cut there's different reasons behind it. I just wanted to better understand what was going on for you.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:21:16] sure. it was like my impulsive outlet, to do that quick cut and be like, that's your reminder Laarni. That is your reminder to, to don't do that. Like, it was like, don't do that because you're going to ruffle those feathers,
Damaged Parents: [00:21:32] so almost like a punishment to yourself.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:21:35] It's, it was part of that. Part of that, like, you know, like the punishment, but also like, you know, this is what you can do. Ma maybe, maybe people will see it and see how upset you are. And they'll ask, you know, there was just, it was just so many different factors for me cutting. And it w they weren't deep cuts or anything, but it was, it was enough.
It was enough. Once my sister saw it, she she's like, you better stop cutting yourself. That was enough for me to stop doing it
Damaged Parents: [00:22:06] nice.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:22:07] because somebody noticed
and, somebody, I love notice that. I think that's why my sister and I are so close we're, you know, we're each other's rock. But it was like for her to notice it, it was like, Oh, okay.
People are going to start noticing Laarni. Don't do that. It was like the whole don't do that.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:26] I wondering though, too, if it was also, you know, not that it was just don't do it, but if it was also someone sees me and recognizes me.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:22:38] Somebody is going to see me.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:39] Well, not just, no. I mean, like from your sister's perspective, she sees me what's inside of me and she loves me and cares about me. I think it goes to that, to that deep
Laarni Mulvey: [00:22:51] Yeah. That's why my sister and I are. Like extremely close and she knows, who I am. She's like the one person who a hundred percent, 110% knows who I am. And that's what I love her for it, because it's, she's like my, both of my parents are deceased now, but like, , like she, she and I were so close and she'll know, she, she knows my drive and she knows, things that I've gone through.
So that's why it's like, When she saw that she's like, don't, don't you stop? You better stop doing that.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:23] That's awesome. I think you're so lucky to have someone that cares for you so much that they could say it in a way that you really got that. So my question though, with this suicidal stuff, did that come, was that with the cutting or was that something later or was it just all jumbled together?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:23:41] was all jumbled, jumbled together, throughout my teenage years. And it, , you know, like those suicidal thoughts came back a little bit in my, in like my twenties. you know, there was that struggle again with trying to figure out who I was, where I wanted to be after high school. And, it was, you know, again, living.
Living the life. My parents wanted me to live and like, Oh, you get all that lovely question. So what do you want to go to school for after high school?
Damaged Parents: [00:24:14] The worst
Laarni Mulvey: [00:24:15] I don't know, I'm like what? 16, 17 years old. I have no idea. And. I don't know if you know the stereotype of like the Filipinos for the women.
Like, why don't you go to the nursing school? It's like, I don't want to be a nurse.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:31] okay, so hold on real quick. So the cutting stopped in high school. Did things get better or did they just kind of, did you just kind of plug along if you will, and then,
Laarni Mulvey: [00:24:44] Log along. Just live in
Damaged Parents: [00:24:46] so you didn't really. Right. So you didn't really solve the, whatever it was happening inside of you. Okay. So then you, so then you get into your twenties and, so you get into your twenties and you've got this college thing happening and all of a sudden it's like, again, these feelings come up for you.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:25:08] Oh, yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:25:09] Okay. Cause it tell us maybe a situation or what happened and all that your own deer.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:25:14] this is like a great situation because. Still, you know, still living my parents. , my parents expectations, minus the nursing school. So like, it was all these Halen. Why don't you try this? Because that's going to be a popular industry like that.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:28] Got it.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:25:29] Plug in, drop in, my first relationship with a guy
Damaged Parents: [00:25:34] Oh, now this is getting interesting.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:25:37] first relationship with a guy. And I it's like, I don't really count like my relationships, like in high school and stuff like that because, those were, to me, those were like the superficial, Oh, he's cute kind of things. But this relationship with a gentleman, , and he was a great guy. But I, the first time I touched a weight. Uh, especially at like a heavier weight was with him
Damaged Parents: [00:25:59] physically or,
Laarni Mulvey: [00:26:01] like a barbell, like steel plate. Like he introduced me to a bodybuilding gym,
which was awesome. I loved it because it was like these big, like there's pictures of like most fewer women and stuff.
I'm like, that's, that's what I want to do. That's what I want to be, because I've always had that in me, like to, to be more strong because I've always been physically strong. So I just. It was the body God gave me and I was going to go with it. And, eventually he like showed me like these weights and everything.
He would do like a run around, Hey, you know, you're, you're lifting more than me. You know, you shouldn't be lifting more than me, kinda like that.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:40] Not be chuckling, but I'm picturing this in my mind. And the insecurity that he probably had, that, that you're so strong. I'm trying to think of what might be going on in his mind besides Um she's stronger than me and I'm supposed to be stronger than her. If we're basing it on society's ideas.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:27:00] Yeah. And there's the identity crisis. The second. Um, head of the identity crisis for Laarni. Well, I want to be this strong physical woman with muscles and everything. He doesn't want me to be like that. So what do I do? I try to make myself as small as possible to be the one that he likes.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:24] when you say, make yourself as small as possible. What does that mean? What did you do?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:27:29] So I would lift the lower weights. I would try to get myself as slender as possible. So I was watching what I was eating. I was doing the whole, you know, hours and hours of cardio to be smaller.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:46] tiny. Yeah. To thin out to be thin.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:27:50] because that's kind of what he wanted. He didn't say that straight out that he wanted me to be like this small girl, but to be compared to like maybe his friends, girlfriends who are smaller, I didn't fit that mold.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:06] Did he actually do that and compare you
Laarni Mulvey: [00:28:08] No, but you could, I, I can see it.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:11] tell us what the, what to you that looked like.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:28:13] So, he, you, okay. Here's one thing he used to go. Yeah. I almost asked out his wife who was his then wife. I mean, it was like, they were like back into the, they were like just dating, but, I was going to ask her out a long time ago and I wish I would have like those
Damaged Parents: [00:28:30] that hurts.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:28:32] Yeah, so those kinds of comments.
So it's like, okay, you know, that's cool. And then w those kinds of little comments
were
Damaged Parents: [00:28:40] it just got worse. You've got this identity crisis. You want your, you found that you enjoy the feeling of lifting weights and now, so you go against that gut instinct of yours and on, in, on additionally. I don't think the little, this is the right word. But you're getting these little digs here and there
Laarni Mulvey: [00:29:00] These jabs of, okay. I want to explode to this. But, uh, in my heart, you know, I wasn't confident enough to, I wasn't confident enough to be myself, you know? And so it was, it was again that depressive state of why am I with this guy? I'm only with this guy because I feel is it cause I'm lonely, you know? So I had to find myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:25] Yeah. So you're working out though, and that's supposed to be giving you good endorphins and all this great stuff, but you were still sad.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:29:31] Yes. It's interesting. How, how fitness could be a double-edged sword. That's supposed to give you the happy endorphins running, but then you have the judgment from other people who want to tear you down.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:43] Right. I hadn't thought of it that way before
Laarni Mulvey: [00:29:45] Yeah. It's such a double-edged sword because it's like, I I'm always wanting to be this fitness person, but with this gentleman, I, I felt like I should be this little bitty person. Yeah. So my soul didn't match my, my want.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:02] Yeah. And are you suicidal again? Are you getting
suicidal? I mean,
Laarni Mulvey: [00:30:05] I was like, that's where I was like, feeling that suicidal feeling again. And, it was like that pulling of my, my, my senses, my heart, like, because I didn't know who I was,
Damaged Parents: [00:30:20] right. So how did you figure, how did you start figuring that out? How did you start climbing out of this crevice? If you will.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:30:27] So after that relationship ended. I told myself, I'm like, you know what, I'm going to find my confidence. I'm going to be confident. And I, went back to school. I was trying different things and I was starting to figure out the things that I like to do and that I wanted to do. And you know, now that I'm older, it was easier to make.
The decisions that I wanted to do. And I, I got involved in like different sports and, I, I went to school for athletic training. It was the compromise between my parents wanting to be going to nursing school, but I got to be in athletics. So it was a great compromise and it was good. It was, it was a really good compromise because I was able to do the hands-on stuff that I wanted.
I was around athletes and I felt like an athlete myself, because I was like, yay. You don't have means to. And, it was, it was a great. Time of my life too, to be able to be part of that. And I really whole, I like hold athletics, like so deep in my heart because that's what I wanted to be and be around. But, the second coming of the depressed state.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:37] so there's another one.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:31:38] Oh yes,
this is in my thirties.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:41] I think that's important to point out though that, that this, sometimes you may have have it when you're younger and then it might have something might trigger it and then again, it might get triggered and then unfortunately, yes, might again, it might get triggered.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:31:57] Yes. But this time, this was like the last time
the,
have come into my income back into my life and. Again, let's drop another relationship in there.
And the pattern for me was I was really looking for love outside of myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:16] Explain that.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:32:17] So, okay. So this gentleman I met, he came again at the right time. I had moved away and, um, I didn't have my support group from home.
And so I was, meeting new people and, again, it was like going back to fighting for my name back in the day. Hi, I'm Laarni, you know, I am Laarni. What's your name? What is your name like that? So again that like, Oh my gosh, I don't know anybody and I don't want to be bullied and I don't know anybody.
I don't have the support system. So it was like, Oh shoot. Okay. All right. So this bandaid, I caught it. It was like that band-aid of, I'm looking for love and acceptance elsewhere.
Because from inside, I was lonely. I was scared. I didn't know anybody. I wasn't sure if I didn't have my sister around, I wasn't sure if I was going to meet anybody.
And I was in my thirties and I was, I was afraid.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:14] Okay, so you're afraid. And I'm also thinking, you're thinking you just need someone in your life. I mean, am I on the right track
there?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:33:24] That's exactly. That's part of that loneliness that I had loneliness that I just didn't have like a connection with anybody. Cause I didn't know anybody and I couldn't call somebody and be like, Hey, let's go and have a beer or whatever. It was like, there was nobody who could call. Cause there was nobody I knew.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:38] and you still kind of needed someone to say to you. You're okay. You're good enough. Your, this or that to validate who you were.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:33:48] Yeah. And, this person just came to my life at the right time and he was the band-aid. was my pants. He, me being that lonely person and really wanting to love somebody. He came at the right time and plugged that hole. He just like, let's just cover this up a little bit. When really inside, I was still like, thinking that I really want somebody to love me and blah, blah, blah.
And I was alone. And, um, he, he was the distraction in my life at that time. And like for me, I thought we were in our relationship when really we weren't. And it was, that manipulative aspect of the relationship that, that threw that bandaid on because I thought he, I thought I would love, I thought I loved him, but really it was just because I was alone
Damaged Parents: [00:34:37] how did, so how did you, when did you figure that out?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:34:41] So when I came back to week after, after I came back here into the Chicago-land area, I was still like wanting to be with this gentleman, even though we didn't live in the same state. And I was like, I just. I can't be without you. Like I always, in my mind, I was like, I can't be without this man, because it's, he was the only one that loved me.
I want to be with him. I will do whatever I need to do to be with him. And that's that conformity part of me that wants to please somebody else and make myself something I didn't want to be.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:12] Yeah.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:35:13] It took a year of therapy.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:14] Yeah.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:35:15] I mean for me to get over, it was the best year of therapy in my life ever. I honestly, if my therapist was still, I think she retired shortly after, but if she was still around, I would still go to her just to talk to her.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:28] Yeah. Sounds like you did a lot of processing with the therapist then.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:35:32] Yes. Yeah. And it was, that's what I learned. My pattern of myself was to make myself conform to. And your relationship, any person, any group? Because I did it on my identity because I didn't know who I was. And that stems from back in the day when I was younger,
Damaged Parents: [00:35:47] Yeah. So then how did you, okay, so you're in this therapist, is it during that year that you're starting to recognize who you want to be?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:35:55] it was like right after, pretty much like the therapy sessions and this was, In my, like late thirties, like 37, 38, um, where I told myself, I was like, you know what, no, this is not how I want to be, because I started to know after therapy, I started to know more about myself. I started realizing that how important I was.
I started to realize my value, but I, the way I did that was through therapy, but I had to face all that stuff from the background. I had to face, the, I took that inner inventory of myself of like, what is holding me back? Is it cultural? Is it, you know, growing up the way I, the way that people expected me to, and I didn't, do I feel guilty about that?
I had to really do like a lot of inner soul searching to find out that, really. I was living for somebody else. I was living for my parents. I was living for these men. I was living for, you know, this relate for relationships that really didn't, um, support me or who I wanted to be. And, it took a long time and it, it was it, I I'm so glad that I did all that for myself because now where I'm at.
Honestly, I'm the happiest I've ever been,
Damaged Parents: [00:37:17] that's fantastic. So you're this journey though. So it just took, it sounds like it wasn't fast. It took a year of therapy. And then even after that, you found yourself making these new choices more in line with who you wanted to be and not who you didn't want to be.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:37:39] Correct. I made. Choices with, athletics, like sports I wanted to do. I made, it was the best part about therapy. It led me, it gave me, tools to understand. Okay. Is this, is this person going to have my best interest or is this person going to have my best interest that affects them in their way? It was almost like I had to be a little bit more selfish with myself and my time and my heart, because if I were, I kept, I let everybody in. I was like, you know, and that's where like, It w it, I was letting the wrong people in. I was not, I was not letting the right people in, um, because I wanted approval.
Cause I wanted, I wanted like a lot of people to like me and I wanted all and it was it that didn't work.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:36] so I'm wondering, right. And I'm wondering because approval was so important to you. If it's, if that when you were choosing those people to let into your life, that you were inadvertently choosing the ones that weren't going to give you what you needed.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:38:52] That is correct. That is exactly what it is because I just wanted people around me didn't matter who it was, but it wasn't the right people
Damaged Parents: [00:39:02] I think that's really interesting because I hadn't really thought of that as something that even I would do. Right. But I think I have done it.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:39:12] And it takes for me, like really took a lot of facing, facing those bad things, facing those things that were questionable in my life and things that I've done that were questionable. Um, but also it took a lot of ownership. I had to own up to those. And, um, that's why I'm able to talk about it now because it's, it's the ownership part.
Like it's, it's once I owned who I was, once I owned the things that I, that I felt brought me joy, it changed my life and that's why I say I'm like the happiest that I am been in, in a long time. Yes. And years and years, since then, since therapy times, because, I've owned, to I've taken ownership of my life now. And, the days of wanting to lift heavy, I do that now, even though it took, Since, it was like 1999. That that gentleman told me about 2019 was the first time I, I told myself I'm going to compete as an athlete because I've always wanted to be considered an athlete when you're 19, I was like, I'm going to compete in something.
Oh, you know what? I'm going to compete in powerlifting, March, 2019, I picked up a barbell. My first competition was in November, 2019 and it was amazing.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:30] wow.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:40:31] was where I, I felt myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:33] Right. So how did you. When you say own it,
I don't think you mean lip service to say I own who I am. I think you mean action. Am I on the right track there? When, so it's taking who you want to be and, or, and even maybe some of that past and saying yet this happened to me.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:40:58] Yep. Exactly. Exactly. It was for a long time. You, you know? Well, for me it was like, I suppress a lot of stuff cause I was embarrassed.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:07] right.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:41:08] You know, I was like, ah, you know, I don't want people to think bad of me or whatever. And if somebody would think bad of me, let them, that's your, that's your business?
Not mine. I used to tell myself in the beginning, like, you know what, it's not my, if you don't like me, you don't like me. I can't make you like me. That's your business.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:27] yeah,
Laarni Mulvey: [00:41:27] I'm going to move on with it. I'm going to move on with my life and do whatever. So you can do whatever you want with your life.
We don't have to, we can be cordial when you see each other, but you're not coming into my space. You're not gonna, you're not going to take my energy. So I started like understanding that more about myself and that's part of that ownership. Like, you're not, it's like, I'm me. You're you. There's a lot of things that I may not like about you.
That's my business and vice versa. That's your business. I only have one life and I'm going to live it the way I want to. I'm going to build it the way I want to see it.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:02] well, true to your, it sounds like you're going to build it true to who you are and not to who you think you should be.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:42:10] Exactly. You know, like not having someone, not having like a female, example of like female and strength from back in the day. That's why I'm building who I am now. So the next generation can maybe see me as an example.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:25] right. Okay. So you got into power lifting.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:42:29] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:29] Tell us, I mean, it sounds like you've, you kind of, let's see, I don't want to say that I. Well, it seems like you found a tremendous amount of strength in powerlifting and not just physical
Laarni Mulvey: [00:42:44] correct? Yes, it's. It's I talked to my coach, like when I first met my coach. Um, we talked about like women's and women's strength, sports and stuff. Cause he's a, he's a powerlifter, but also strong man competitor. And we talked about like how women are afraid of their own strength and not just like inside if I'm like, not just physically, but like here in their head. And, it got me just thinking about myself and I'm like, I'm I know I'm physically strong. It's my outlet of therapy to do this, but what I've learned so much from that, like at the beginning of 20, 2019 to like November, 2019, within that span of time, like the lessons powerlifting has taught me to build my confidence more, to be more comfortable with myself to embrace.
The strength that I have been given to embrace the strength that I can create in myself. That's the joy that I find in myself. You'd think it'd be like weird, but like, that's what it is. But it's also helped me, like challenge myself, like to apply for a job that I know I wasn't going to get, I'm going to apply for it anyway,
Damaged Parents: [00:43:59] right.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:44:00] you know?
And I feel like a lot of women just feel we overanalyze everything. That's just like some of us who we just over overanalyze and we like talk ourselves out of our capability
Damaged Parents: [00:44:16] Yeah, I can relate to that. I resonate with that.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:44:19] talk or no, no, I shouldn't. Now it's like just what, what if you do apply and you do get it now, what.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:27] Yeah.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:44:27] Shoot. Okay. You got it. Great. Run with it. What if you don't get it? Okay, great. You didn't get it. That's fine. Learn how you can get it,
Damaged Parents: [00:44:36] Right.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:44:37] you know, and those are, those are the lessons I like powerlifting has taught me.
Like, I may not have been able to lift, 400 in the gym.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:45] 400 pounds.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:44:46] yeah. Like during training it's 400, you know, like my goal was to live 400 in my next competition and I didn't get it in the gym and it crushed me.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:56] Wait, so wait, hold on. So from March, 2019 to November, your goal was, was 400 or
this was a new goal.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:45:05] so this was the new goal just recently. So first my first competition I wanted to do, I think like over 300 as my deadlift, I don't know if you've got a power lifting competition, but I wanted a deadlift over 300. That was my goal. And I hit it.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:20] So the deadlift, if, if I'm thinking of the right thing, the bars on the ground, and you start in a squatted position and you bring the barbell up and you push it
Laarni Mulvey: [00:45:30] No, the deadlift is just picking up the bar from the ground up to like your mid thigh.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:36] Okay.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:45:37] So, you know, it looks simple enough. Right. Um, so like that my first goal, 300 pounds, my second goal, this most current competition, I was like, you know what? I really, really want to do 400 plus I really do. And in the gym, like during training, some of the days were really hard.
And that's cause like my mind wasn't in it. I was going through some, like, employment things and everything.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:01] it really matters where you are mentally, like most like all sports
that we're learning nowadays. Right. That there's this huge mental thing that happens.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:46:13] So, this past competition, it was, just, uh, it was November of 2020. And Mike, I told my coach is like, Hey, do you want to know your numbers that you're going to do is like, Nope, because I need to focus. And my mind will attach with my heart, which means I can, I can like bring it out into physical form.
So I get to my deadlift and it's my last attempt because you get three attempts. Like it was my last dead a time and I did it, whatever the weight was. I didn't know what it was. I did it. And my coach goes, you know what? You just pulled. Right? I said, what? He's like four Oh two.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:54] Oh my gosh. Did you, what did that feel like?
Laarni Mulvey: [00:46:58] I was like, what I was like, that was my goal. And he's like, you know what? And you had more in you and that's what, like powerlifting for me. Like we're so quick to, to talk ourselves out of our capability. And then when you do it, you're like, Oh, I guess there is more in me and that's, like really like what I, want to encompass and like the women around me and people in general, that there is so much more in you that like you really haven't tapped into yet.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:31] right.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:47:33] And. It takes a while to get to there. But once you kind of like take the, your inner inventory and do all that stuff and like, you know, like your mind is here, your heart is here. And then once they, they lock like that. Oh my gosh. The things that you can do.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:49] Right. Okay. So with that said three things, three things you want the audience to think about, or three tools you want to give them, or a mixture of both that will help them maintain hope in the midst of a struggle.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:48:04] Oh, sure. So, one thing I it's M M O R E moments of reflection every day. And that just means take the time every day to plug out what are the positive things that happen to you today? Because it's so easy to go to the negative. Oh, this happened to, but like, Do the work to find your positive moments and then live in that moment, but like soak in that moment because a, it may never happen again. or it's something that there's either a big lesson in it and you learn from it. So take those moments of reflection every day. Take like a minute. You know, just to kinda like sit in and just be like, yeah, that's good too. That was good today. That was good today. And I learned that a little bit from powerlifting too, you know, like every day is not going to be a good day when you're training, but what was good about training?
I did this other exercise. Great. Yeah. So those things that take those moments of reflection every day and. Also understand that there is greatness inside of you and you have to outperform an outgrow, any standards that were set upon you. That's how I that's how I did it. That's how I found my greatness.
I had to outperform and outgrow this box that people were trying to put me in. And I'm sorry. They just couldn't.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:33] Thank goodness.
Right.
Laarni Mulvey: [00:49:34] they tried, but it just didn't work that way. And, knowing what gives you joy? Yeah. And like, know what gives you joy? Because it's why, why live in no joy. I live in the joy that you have.
And, that's why I feel like I'm like the happiest in my life now because I'm doing things purposefully that bring me joy. You know, like I don't mind doing anything that makes me feel miserable. You know, there's already enough of that to choose from. I mean, really looking for that joy and finding that joy is the hardest part.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:05] yeah.
I agree. I am. So those are amazing. I am so grateful that you found your strength, that you found the values of who you are and that you're living to those standards. And that you're willing to share that because I think that's the purpose of this podcast is to share.
Hope and to say, you know what? Yes, you might be there right now. And guess what it's possible all's I need to know is it's possible. So thank you.
