Episode 18: Badass not Broken

Amanda Ferrat

About: Amanda Ferrat was born into a Montana ranch family that held closely to strict gender roles. Since a young age she diligently worked hard to be true to herself even when it was family that didn't agree. She now struggles with chronic illness, mental health and disabilities. She is highly educated in mental health, social services and family systems work. Amanda has learned to take it day-by-day and truly understands the struggles of those she works with. She identifies as a fat, disabled woman who suffers from chronic and mental illness. She also identifies as an ally, advocate, badass and accomplice to helping create a world that is accessible, just, equitable and compassionate for ALL.

You may find her:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/valueyourselfcounseling

Facebook Group: Badass Women Breaking Barriers

IG: @valueyourselfcounseling

email:valueyourselfcoach@gmail.com

Podcast transcript below:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where unwanted, torn, ruined people come to learn. Maybe just maybe. We're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole.

Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.

Today's topic include sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Amanda Ferret. She has many roles in her life. Daughter granddaughter. Sister, niece, cousin, and more. We'll talk about how she comes from a Montana ranch family that believes in very strict gender roles.

That is also quite racist and abelist. Let's talk.   

Welcome Amanda to Relatively Damaged. We're so glad to have you here today.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:02:04] Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:07] Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad because we're talking about a struggle and some people aren't excited to talk about that.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:02:13] Well, my innate magic name is the bad-ass of holding compassionate spaces. So I am somebody that is comfortable sitting in those dark spaces, those dark moments. So I am very happy to talk about struggle my own as well as others.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:27] well, that's awesome. That's awesome. You're right. You know, you kind of have to be a bad-ass to sit in the midst of it. So we'll just be two Queens bad-ass and I can I, can I adopt that name today? Can we be to Queens of bad-ass for  today's episode. Okay. So.

Tell me about the struggle that impacted you or one that impacted you the most, or just one that really  you can delineate what happened and how you found hope throughout that process. And we're just going to talk about it  from the beginning, until we get  to where you are now.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:03:03] Okay, well, it's been, you know, it's something that I can see as, a pattern from childhood tell, you know, now in adulthood. And that is that I've kind of always been the black sheep in the family. I come from a Montana ranch family and,  pretty conservative mindset and values. And I was always very outgoing and.

Social. And my mom used to say like, I don't know whose child you really are because I am not a social being like, where did you come from? And it's funny because I'm actually, I don't know if most people are interested in the Zodiac, but I am a cancer Zodiac. Like that's my sun sign, but I've since done my whole chart.

And it makes sense is why I'm such an extrovert in cancer. Whereas my mom is also a cancer, but she is very much the hermit crab. Like her chart shows that she is going to retreat into her shell. Whereas I'm like,

Damaged Parents: [00:03:52] most so, okay. I want to understand this. So most cancers are introverted or they just want to be at home.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:04:00] They're home bodies. So our happy places are home and cancers can be very sensitive and yes, very introverted. But of course, all your other planets and influences in your chart play apart. Um, and I have like Scorpio and Leo and some other very strong, vibrant influences in my chart that play a big part. I'm also a professional speaker and I don't think there's another member of my immediate family.

Other than my dad. My dad did play music, so he was comfortable getting on stages, but my mom and some of the rest of my family would just be like, no, no, thank you. Until my nephew came along and it's funny because there's been almost this parallel journey that I've seen pieces of my struggle in my nephew and that we.

He's not quite the black sheep, right. He's very much, he was in line with his, dad's thinking on a lot of things and my dad, his Papa on a lot of things, but he's a Scorpio. So he's very sensitive and very artistic and creative, and there's been some similar things. And now he's a sophomore in college and I'm watching it even play out as he enters into young adulthood.

So. Back to the social being creature, right? Like I brought up doing formal rush for the Greek system to my mom. Cause something came in the mail before I went to college and my mom was like, no. Right. Cause that's not something that our family does do something. So social and outgoing is joining the Greek system.

And so I didn't my freshman year and I watched a bunch of friends join. And so then I kind of got a feel for what each house was like. So my sophomore year, I had classes with some, some girls that were in a particular house and I got invited to some informal rush activities. And I was all about it.

Girls. I had gone known from childhood where there girls had gone to high school with, and it was just a great house and it was a way to get academic support as well as to have the social aspect. So I joined. And then told my family and my grandparents were paying for college. So I was kind of like, I hope they'll still write the checks kind of thing.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:56] Oh, wow. So you're totally being a rebel.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:05:59] Right. But I knew it was my truth. It was my path. It was something that I knew I was meant to do. And I'm so grateful. I'm still involved with my sorority as an alumni. And I can't imagine that not being a part of my journey. Well guess who just did something very similar? My nephew, he's a sophomore. He has friends there in a house.

They invited him to informal rush. He figured he'd get a bid. And so he reached out to me and we were texting and chatting and I told him, I said, you know, really think about it. And it was cute because he knows how our family operates. So he asked me. Well, what did Papa and grandma's see when you joined.

And I said, well, I kind of did like you buddy. I went through it first and then let the family know. And I just, you know, cause you have to live it's your life. You get to make your decisions for your life. And I said, I know that  what their dad thinks matters to you. And I said, grandma just couldn't picture the social aspect, but she came to events and she was supportive and I said, you're Papa, never really said much.

I said, but I think he liked coming around the house. Cause of course all the girls were very,  very fun with the dads and cause it wasn't very often that we would get a dad that was brave enough to come around the sorority house. And um, so I think he did reach out to his dad before he accepted the bid.

And my brother came and partied at the fraternities when I was in college. So I was like, he better not say anything

cause he got,  so, um, and he didn't, he didn't squash my nephews dreams. And so I, now I'm not the only Greek in the family. And so it's been fun too. And I've always advocated for me.

If you I've always stood up for him, I've always said, Hey, like, let him be himself. Let's nurture this versus squash it because I know what it felt like to have my dreams squashed. I was constantly told that my ideas were ridiculous.

Is that what I thought? Or belief?

Damaged Parents: [00:07:46] Even as a young kid.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:07:48] Yes, very much so. And it led up to, so  I come from a ranching family, so my grandpa.

He was a land conservation in some regards, but, you know, ranchers have a very different mindset than,  they would have called me a liberal, even though I don't consider myself that. But I'm from Montana. And so the wolfs were being re-introduced to Yellowstone. And of course every single rancher had concerns about wolfs being re-introduced to Yellowstone because it's not like Yellowstone has giant fences around it.

So the wolfs, once they repopulated would be free to come outside of the park. And how was this going to be regulated and were their cattle going to be at risk? Whereas I understood it as a,  future biologist, That it was going to have a positive impact on the ecosystem. So I was very pro Wolf and my grandpa was very anti Wolf.

And so how do you take a stand as a 16, 17 year old?  Against a cattle rancher, but to go vegetarian.

Damaged Parents: [00:08:40] Oh, no, you not.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:08:42] I did so as a that is how I asserted myself. I went vegetarian and there were moments where my father, even though I was a full grown teenager with a driver's license and a job, and he would try to make me sit at the dinner table and finish whatever protein meat we were having for dinner. And.

The dog and the cat caught on because they'd make sure they were hanging around because they would, they would try to get slipped, whatever it was that I didn't want to be eating. Um, so yeah, it was, and so then the dad, my dad had cut on the animals, you know, so then the animals got in trouble, so then I felt bad, but yeah, so it was just, it's been a lifelong battle of, and now I can look back with humor because I've, since you know, my dad has gone, he's passed away.

All my grandparents are gone. And so I can have a reframe of some of these relationships and some of the struggles and trauma that I went through. And I'm thankful for that. And they've shaped who I am. They've put me on this path to be who I am today. They've allowed me to help my nephew out and like navigate his past.

He can be who he is. And so that he can hopefully break free of some of the. You know, patriarchal stuff that comes with being in a Montana ranch family, that I'm not a big fan of. So it's been an interesting journey.

Damaged Parents: [00:09:58] Yeah. So explain that though for the audience, because it seems like you've got this very clear idea of what it means to be in a ranch family in Montana. And I do not.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:10:12] So you get up early, you work hard. Everybody needs to be a productive member of society. The men go outside and do the hard work. The women stay inside and do the housework and help outside as needed. Right. And I was grandpa's girl. I was the first grandkid on my dad's side. And so I was grandpa's girl.

So I was out getting muddy. I had my own pair of irrigation boots, and I loved going out with grandpa,  learned to curse at age three because grandpa would,  curse at the equipment and the cows. And I picked that up quite well and loved to get dirty and go have fun. And then as soon as my brother came along and was old enough, he's four years younger.

He got to go with grandpa and I got kicked inside with grandma. And that's actually where a lot of the struggle happened because grandma. I found out as an adult, how to dad, who wasn't always very nice and had expectations of what women needed to be. They needed to be thin. They needed to be properly groomed,  go to finishing school.

How,  you need to have good penmanship, all these things. And my grandma brought that to me. I couldn't go outside and play. I had to sit and practice my penmanship. And to this day, when people compliment me on my handwriting, I kind of have that momentary cringe of like, I can, I immediately can see myself back at the dining room table while I know everybody else is having a,  fun outside.

I'm stuck sitting there. And this is back in the day of cursive still being yeah. How you learned to write? And, if I, I remember having a Barbie coloring book and I think I gave my Barbies some like inventive makeup. It was the eighties. And I was critiqued for that,  and I drew, she loved horses, so I loved horses and I remember drawing a horse and she tore the drawing to bits verbally, like, you know, saying what was wrong with it.

And so I got mad and I crumpled up and tore it up. She took it out of the garbage, put it back together and framed it and hung it on the wall.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:01] Oh, I don't know what to think about that.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:12:04] Right it was there into my adulthood It was her wall into my adulthood.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:09] I just, if you don't mind, I've got two, two different ideas in that. What happened here, here on your side, you've just been basically belittled. And thinking everything you did wrong. So you tear it up because you believe all she sees is the flaws.

And then I'm thinking, she's probably thinking, I want her to know how valuable I don't want this torn up. It's important to me. I'm going to frame it and put it on the wall. Of course it could have been very different than that. Right. It could have been, I'm going to show her and I'm going to frame this,

this torn

Amanda Ferrat: [00:12:44] I think there was a little bit of that.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:45] Oh no.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:12:47] Um, you know what, again, I'm an adult, I've done my therapies. I,

Damaged Parents: [00:12:51] Yeah.

Yeah,

Amanda Ferrat: [00:12:51] am a counselor now and, and help others heal from their, emotional difficulties and trauma. But yeah, it's like one of those things where it's like, and cause it was always funny to her to bring it back up and I was like, okay, if this is a running joke, I have a hard time believing.

But then think again, the nephew has been. You know, cause here comes the next generation and she was very different with him, encouraged his drawings. His drawings were always on the fridge. So I remember one time, like I sat down and doodled something kind of cute too. So that went on the fridge. It was kind of like, okay, so now I'm fridge worthy.

Cause it's a cart. Like, so you know, those kinds of things. And then she was also. She had issues preoccupations around weight. And I have a chronic illness that we of course didn't know at the time. There's still not a lot known about this chronic illness. And one of the things it does is it affects your hormone and endocrine system.

So you put on weight and it affects women and you put on weight and you don't know why, and then you can't get rid of it very easily. And so I was an active kid. And here I am, kind of a bigger frame anyhow, but then I'm getting bigger and bigger. And, so they started taking me to the doctor because they were worried.

And I remember, you know, my journey, I think I was like eight, seven or eight years old of having to go in to get that first, first blood draw done. And, you know, and the critique. Right. So my grandpa. Goodbye. So Wilcox is a Montana brand ice cream, and it's pretty delicious. And they lived out in the country.

So groceries were, an hour trip one way. And so they'd stock up and they had multiple freezers in their home and pantries. And so he would get like these five gallon buckets of chocolate ice cream and he would make himself a milkshake every night. Well, I would pretend I had fallen asleep. And then I would listen for grandpa to go out in the garage to get the five gallon bucket of ice cream.

And then I knew it was milkshake time and I would sneak out and get a little bit of milkshake, but my grandpa also had a thing for jurors. Zingers are kind of like Twinkies, Twinkies, zingers, those things. He'd keep those in the freezer. Well, those, and my grandma baked, she baked like crazy 

Damaged Parents: [00:15:01] so they're not being helpful.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:15:02] And Montana, you know, in the eighties and nineties was a little bit of a food desert, you know, for produce, we got maybe red delicious and granny Smith, apples, oranges, bananas, grapes, like very basic. And then your basic red and green lettuce, right? Like we didn't have access to a plethora of.

Produce and groceries. And so, yeah, it was your carbs and your proteins and you know, maybe some green, you know, my grandma had a garden, so in the summer, yes, green salad was prevalent

and zucchini galore, you know? Um, but yeah, there wasn't, so it's kind of this, again, reframing as an adult, I can look back and see differently, but then it's like, well, all these cards were stacked against me and nobody knew any better, like it's nobody's fault, but then.

How awful that you're putting this child in this position of, shame and blame and,  you know, again, the intergenerational stuff that you watch. Right? Because I learned as an adult, that it came from my great grandpa, Jack, most likely to my grandma and her sisters. And then I watched my dad, you know, have weird things around eating most of his life.

And I I'm so amazed and I am not fully sure how I did it, but I am fat and happy. Like I live in my body and I'm happy in my body despite all of that I've faced and been through. Um, and then that's been a journey. Like it hasn't been easy by any means. You know, and then my nephew, like, he was a little bit of a chunky kid, but he grew into it.

Like he needed that because he's now I think six, two, six, three, you know? So he needed that because he grew up and into it. Right. But that criticism and that critique and that language, and now that I'm an adult whose body is continuing to throw new curves,  but you've got to be that productive member of society.

It's like, well, that has to look different for me because my body doesn't allow me to do a nine to five 40 hour a week job.  You know, they were so excited when I went to grad school. I'm a grad school dropout, partly because, you know, I was trying to go to grad school as everybody was dying and passing away and wasn't taking time to take care of my mental health and my grief.

And wasn't coping,  just wasn't allowing what I needed to allow to happen, so that all kind of imploded. And now it's like, all right, I'm going to come back into the world in my power. In my way,  that works for me. And you can either be on board or not as the biggest,  person that there's that struggle with is my brother.

I love him to death. He'll always be my baby brother, but we're very different human beings and we have to learn to just kind of navigate and accept that. And then,  my mom, you know, I'm still teaching her some things. She's got a learning curve for, you know, some stuff around, you know, what I can and can't do.

And yeah. Um, and what that means. And, but she's trying, and I appreciate that, but again, that Montana mindset of just like, you know, you can get up and you do what you need to do, because that's just how things are done. And it's like, that's great. And some days I wake up and my body says, no,

nothing I can do about that.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:02] Right. And how do you cope with that on or? Okay. I'm N I'm assuming I know it wasn't that way always. Right. So, so, because it wasn't that way. Always. When, when this started happening, when you started having these troubles, did you beat yourself up were you angry? Were you sad? Would tell us what was going on at that point in time?

Amanda Ferrat: [00:18:27] Oh, there's definitely grieving, right? That happens because you lose your identity, you lose ability. I know people can't see us, but we're both sitting here with embraces on her, our wrists today, you know?  so there's days where you're like, yeah, my arm is just non-functional, um, there's days where something else goes on and having to learn to accept that right, is my own grief journey.

And then other people have to adopt a new idea of you and rewrite the story of you in their life. And so. I think for my family,  you know, they were all very excited that I was going to go back to grad school and I was going to become a social worker and I was going to do all these great things with my master's degree.

And then I was like, no, no, I'm not like the four people that I was going back to school for are, are gone. They're dead and gone. I don't want to work for anybody else. I don't want to be in the bureaucratic. Red tape system that comes in the world of social work, because then you, I don't get to do things the way I want to do things and truly help people because there's all these rules and I know why they're there, but I don't always agree with them.

Right. I've done that. I've done my world of work and other people's,  agencies. And it just was time to do something different. And really what I needed to do was take time to accept what was going on with my body. And part of that journey was I got myself a puppy for my 40th birthday, and I was going to train him to be my service dog.

And that was a big part of the journey, right? Like, especially with my family, dogs are livestock or a pet. They aren't a disability aid.

Damaged Parents: [00:20:00] I wouldn't have thought of that. I really would not have.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:20:03] So having to like, have my brother understand, like, no, my dog doesn't stay outside with your dogs. He comes in the house. When I come in to visit you like there, and there are certain rules, you know?

And so getting people to understand that. And since then, my dog Ludo, unfortunately,  he joined the disabled club too. Turns out he has bad knee caps. And so ethically I had to retire him cause his kneecaps just randomly pop out of place. And so I ethically couldn't work him. So now he's been,  demoted to an emotional support animal and he still does a wonderful job with that.

And, you know, he's still goes almost everywhere with me. He just can't go in places, you know, anymore. But that was a journey of educating friends and family and other people as to,  yeah. I'm not the able-bodied person and he, wasn't just a physical service documents going to be a psychiatric service dog as well, because I had, except.

My mental health journey. And that's another piece of my struggle is that I had probably had mental health stuff my whole life, but in my family, we, in my family, we don't always talk about it. And that's been a big intergenerational journey as well because my uncle died by suicide as a teenager.

Damaged Parents: [00:21:12] When you were a teenager or when

Amanda Ferrat: [00:21:14] he was a teenager, so it was before I was born.

But growing up, his pictures were still around the house. And his name was Randy, and my name is a child. My nickname was Mandy and my grandma would mix our names up from time to time. And so I, you know, of course kids are curious, right? Like, so who is this person in this, these pictures who is this Randy?

And only so much would be said. Right. And I do remember my dad sitting us down at one point and saying, you know, suicide is never the answer. It's never the final, there's always another option. It's never the final option. And then that was kind of that. And again, as an adult, you learn more things. And in my education and experience working in the mental health field, I was able to kind of unpack some things on my own and then realize that there had probably been mental health.

For the last, who knows how many generations and it just comes out, you know, and is portrayed in different ways. And so I'm part of my journey is breaking the stigma around that. It's like, no, and that's why I'm on podcasts and why I'm doing the things I'm doing is because I'm ready to stand up and say like, Hey, mental illness can run in families.

It's going to look different for each member of the family that presents. With a diagnosis and it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to de-stigmatize it. We need to have these conversations because it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have these struggles. And the more we talk about it, the more we're comfortable with it.

And the more people can like stand up and say, you know what? I resonate with this. And maybe I need to go see my doctor or see a therapist, or , not feel so alone. Representation matters.

Damaged Parents: [00:22:48] At least investigate what those feelings mean. You know, I think one of the neatest things that I've learned is that, anger actually tells me something important. It's not bad and I don't necessarily like it. So I've decided they are, I have unfunded feelings and I have fun feelings, so they're not, so I'm not delineating good and bad anymore

Amanda Ferrat: [00:23:11] I love that.

Damaged Parents: [00:23:12] Right because now I know there's just because the fun ones tell me stuff too. It's just, you know, I like what they have to tell me and more often, but now I'm realizing like anger, maybe I'm angry because I'm needing more connection. Maybe I'm angry because I'm feeling like not seen today.

And when I can figure that out, then I can go and ask the question or say, Hey, I'm needing this.

And when this happens, I certainly don't feel that way. And can we come up with a different plan?  but there were two things I really wanted to hear more about, and that was,  first of all, definitely that the intergenerational. What happens as behaviors get passed  down the line, because it sounds like you have a good amount of knowledge in that area.

And then the other thing was,  family and friends. So when someone becomes disabled,  what you recognized in your life  with beyond family and friends, and if you lost connection to some of those people. So both of those things would be great.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:24:18] Yeah. So for the intergenerational, I don't know a ton about it. Um, I'm still learning, but there's studies done even on like,  how it can affect our genomes and literally be handed down in our DNA, like trauma. You know, my great grandpa came over from Italy at age 14, and his name was on Ellis Island at 14, your frontal lobe isn't fully developed.

You're still a teenager. It was the late 18 hundreds like that. And, you know, I don't know how many days you're on a ship. Right. And like back then there was diseases and people being, you know, getting sick and all these things happening. And it's just like, At 14 alone coming across the ocean, then coming to a country where Italians were not always favored for, you know, they had to struggle.

So mining and railroad were kind of the jobs that were happening. So my great grandpa ended up out in Milan, Idaho. And so just this.  I think that made an imprint on him that he handed down to my grandpa and some of that got handed down to my dad than to, you know, my brother and I, and especially like when you see a pattern of behavior in a person that then shows up in the next generation, It's hard not to believe that some of that is genetic right, as well as learned and observed.

And that's where I've worked really hard to like, to try to change some of that with my nephew, because racism was one of those things that, again, I think was somewhat shaped from my great grandpa's journey. And then my grandpa had his own influences by being in the army. And, having to deal with the things he went through in the army and,  you know, then my dad had his own experiences and then again, I am a black sheep and an anomaly.

Cause I don't know what happened here, but like I just knew that some of those, like those things weren't okay.

Damaged Parents: [00:26:06] So some of those behaviors

Amanda Ferrat: [00:26:08] right. They never sat well with me. Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:26:11] were wrong, they just, not that they were wrong, but they weren't helpful.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:26:15] Because when I saw it, you know, those jokes and those conversations and those words and that language, and like some of the,  abusive language and things like that, that happened too. Like, I was very much able to be like this isn't okay.

And when I'm able, this is, I want something different for myself, my life isn't going to have, this in it to my best ability.

And so I've worked really hard on that.  and so. That's a piece that I like I'm still learning about is the epigenetics of how, like that kind of gets imprinted and handed down. But there's definitely science out there. I know they're doing a lot of studies around,  with black folks and that have slavery ancestry, like how the post-traumatic slave.

Um, disorder and like that being in the epigenetics and like being literally handed down. So even if you are multiple generations removed from your family that lived as slaves, you're going to still have some of that trauma literally in your DNA.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:09] Yeah I'm really glad, you said something about that because that literally never crossed my mind. I realized I had implicit biases. Right. So for the audience that doesn't know what that means. That's a bias I don't even realize I have because it's it's throughout society. So again, one more thing now. That's amazing.

You know, I hadn't thought of how that will be passed down and maybe even, probably some of that learned helplessness too. Right? Like we don't have a voice. So the only way we can have a voice is to yell and scream maybe. Wow. Thank you for thank you.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:27:42] Well, then the other piece you wanted to know more about was like, how did friends and family cope and like, what do they need to know as you like are unpacking, right? Learning how to live differently with a disability. I'm still coming to terms with using that identity and label of disabled because I don't have definitive diagnoses yet.

I just know that my body doesn't allow me. To do what it used to do. I used to be able to go on three mile walks every other day and go on hikes and I would do five Ks, walking them. If you see me running, you better run faster because something bad's coming. I've never been a runner, but like I used to walk and hike and.

And do things. And I just, I can't, no, in fact, a couple of weeks ago, my body was in a state and my pain was bad enough. I barely made it to my mailbox and back, you know, so the biggest struggle with friends and family is just, you know, in college I went out dancing five nights a week. So for those friends that have known me from them, they just, it's really hard for them to fathom.

That I'm in such a different place that I can't be that girl that would go out dancing three to four hours a night, five nights a week. And now I'm lucky if I can get up and dance to a song

Damaged Parents: [00:28:52] so in some ways, do you think that your disability becomes a struggle for them too, for them to figure out

Amanda Ferrat: [00:29:00] I think so. And I'm really lucky. I have beautiful, amazing friends that aren't afraid to ask questions because they know that I'll answer them honestly. And with kindness and compassion and,  I think the hardest thing has been with my mom because my mom has seen me have episodes and she's seen me have flare ups and then she still just doesn't get it.

And I'm, so I'm trying to have,  a lot more grace with her. But my friends have been great because they're very trainable and they want to be trainable and they want to do better. And I'm also not afraid to advocate for myself. And I think that's the biggest piece of the struggle. Is learning how to advocate for yourself in a way that gets heard and gets received and then gets honored and received.

Damaged Parents: [00:29:42] So what's the best way to do that.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:29:44] coming from a place of compassion and education, because people can't read your mind. They can't know what they don't know. And they may forget like my mom. And so having some grace and some compassion and just reminding them, I'm also a fat woman. So back pre COVID when we could go out and eat out and do things out, I would just remind friends that like, I need certain seating, right?

Like there's not going to be certain seats that are going to work for me. Like if it's a skinny, tiny little booth, I'm not going to be able to squeeze myself into that. Or if it's chairs with arms, I may or may not literally fit. Right. Or there are certain things like, I don't like to have my back to certain things because of some of the mental health stuff.

Right. And so just really learning how to be like, Hey, can we actually sit somewhere else? This isn't going to work for me. And you don't need to give them a full explanation, just saying this isn't going to work for me, or this is what I need and leaving, you know, if they want to ask questions and you feel like you can educate them great.

But knowing how much emotional labor you're willing to do as well is really important.

Damaged Parents: [00:30:49] Oh, well, is it really hard to get to that point though? So you were capable for a good period of time in your life before you were not as capable and. Was it hard to find that voice to say, I need this. Like when you started realizing you were having issues or did you also struggle with, I mean, that's something I struggled with.

I think that's why I'm asking is it was hard for me to say, no, I need this. And I kind of felt like a burden. And I'm wondering if, if you went through that too.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:31:22] To some degree, very much so. Right. Like I just like suck it up and be in pain or, you know, sometimes bow out of things. Right. Or just come up with excuses and that doesn't serve anyone. It doesn't educate them. It doesn't serve me. There's no benefit to me being in pain for two hours and then out of commission in the next few days.

So there was a learning curve there for me, for sure. Right. Because our egos get involved and we have to work with our egos to kind of grieve that loss of self and then say, and now, right. That both and that dual reality of yes. One, you know, once upon a time you were fully abled and now this is your reality and it's okay to say this isn't going to work for me.

Sorry. Like I used to love to go. We have this wonderful McMenamin McMenamins venue here for concerts. It's this big, huge lawn. So you sit on the lawn. I can't go to those concerts anymore. Whether COVID was here or not. Right. Like I can't sit on the ground. And so I have learned to, and it's been very uncomfortable and it is very vulnerable.

It is a very vulnerable space to I've reached out to people, having events and said, Hey, is your seating not only fat accessible, but disabled, like accessible, like how accessible is your space for disability and for fatness and for this and this, and. There's some people that know how to respond and can say, I have this, this and this in place, or can say, tell me more about what you need.

And then there's people that just don't get it. And that's been really hard.  To have some of those conversations, but I I've always been again, I went vegetarian at 16, to prove a point with my family. Like I've always been one of those that I've had my moments, right. Where people have definitely beat me down enough to kind of make me play small and quiet my voice.

But I have tattooed on my inner arm on my left or right arm. Find your voice, speak your truth because I have always, I worked very hard to be someone that is. Outspoken. For myself, for others. Um, and just in, standing up for what I believe in. And so this is an area I've had to learn to kind of speak up for myself.

So now I have no problem letting people know if their space isn't accessible, right. Or you know, how they can do better. And I try to call people in versus just call out. I try to be as respectful as possible, but I'm also very straightforward and. I've been told by lots of people. That's what they love about me is that I'm not going to BS people.

I'm not going to lie to them. I'm going to give them a, a straight shooter answer and I'm going to do it with the best, the most kindness that I can  because again, I want people to learn and know how to do better because only then can they be better? And then we have a better society that is truly accessible for all.

And that's my end goal, right? As harm reduction and a world that is accessible for all.

Damaged Parents: [00:34:16] Yeah, because I don't think running around yelling and screaming, justice, justice, justice is going to help. People will put on their block, their boxing gloves that are in digging their heels, you know?

Amanda Ferrat: [00:34:27] And again, as a fat woman. So when we, sometimes the more identity boxes we check, the harder it is for the world to hear us, because if we think about who gets hurt the most. It's white, cisgender heterosexual men with pro like power and privilege, right? Those, they are at the top of the power and privilege pyramid.

And so the more identities you check, whether it's female, whether it's a person of color, black, LGBTQ fat, like the more of those boxes you check, the harder it is to be heard sometimes. And so it is a skill to learn how to. Advocate and be a voice and have a voice in a way that, that the top of that pyramid can hear us and then start to actually make the world accessible

Damaged Parents: [00:35:13] Okay. So you've got, let's say you've got someone disabled listening to the podcast today and they're struggling because they're not getting what they need. What do you tell them?

Amanda Ferrat: [00:35:24] you know, I don't know how many agencies there are out there, but there's more and more of us out there. I just I'll go back to the representation matters. Right? So find somewhere where you can find representation, whether that's people that share your identities or work to be an ally. And if you can't be your own voice, find that space that exists to be.

A voice with you and for you,  until you can use your own voice and there are more and more ally and accomplice and,  advocate spaces showing up,  as much as I dislike technology and social media and all these things,  social media is a place where we are finding more and more groups pop up where you can find, those like.

People like people like you that have those same identities or shared identities and know that asking for what you need is a totally acceptable and okay. Thing to do as a human being on this planet, that there is no one on this earth that does not deserve to ask for what they need, that we as human beings are. Totally worthy of dignity and respect just as we are.

Damaged Parents: [00:36:41] right. And, and so just to kind of reiterate, to make sure I understand what you're saying, because I think what came up for me when I was listening to you is. Surround yourself with safe people, whether that's a support group or getting involved in advocacy or anything like that. And as you gain that strength start using your voice.

You don't have to use your voice before you're ready.

Just find that support and get in with the safe people, because that's where you're going to find strength.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:37:11] Brave enough. And you can't find something that works, create your own community. That's another beauty of Facebook, right? I just launched my own group, you know, and it's not that I wasn't finding spaces where I fit in, but I wanted a space where I could be a hundred percent of myself, a hundred percent of the time.

Where I could let all of my identities, all of my passions, all of my skills, all of my expertise, shine, and bring in other women to help them learn how to let a hundred percent of themselves shine a hundred percent of the time. And. You know, cause that's like, I want us all to leave this planet. Like the most optimum beings that we ever could have been making, the biggest ripples that we've ever could have made.

Um, and just living a good life. Right. Because we don't know what days are last. My dad was gone at 62, so we just, and I have friends that passed in their thirties. I know teenagers that have passed it, you know, like we just never know. When are, you know, number's going to get called so to speak.

And so,  yeah, if you're brave enough, you know, start your own own group, your own community. And, you know, going back to the representation piece, you know, growing up as a kid, I was born in 78. So grew up through the eighties, you know, the first representation I had of like a loud bossy kind of outspoken, Bigger woman, so to speak was miss picky.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:27] Oh, well, yeah, she was fantastic. I love her character.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:38:32] And I grew up on Jim, every everything, Jim Henson, like my childhood is totally shaped by Jim Henson. Rest in peace. I miss him dearly. I, but, my favorite movie is the labyrinth and. Second is, you know, Dark Crystal is up there as well, but, and Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock and all of that, like I grew up on all of that and the Muppets ELV, all things, the Muppets, but yeah, Miss Piggy was one of the first like positive representations of like outspoken, quote unquote fat female.

Right. Cause the hecklers would tease her or whatever, you know, and she was a pig. What is the assumption of pigs? Pigs are fat, you know, so, but she was this positive, powerful, like outspoken. W, you know, female character that, gosh, darn it. Kermit was going to love her. And she was going to be fabulous and she didn't care what anybody else thought.

And I just, I guess that's my other, it's just hold on to that. Miss penny, Miss Piggy energy, or find your own Miss Piggy, right? Like who is that representation for you that you can then,  And the more we have because social media can do so much damage, right? Like if we are following all these people that just don't feed our souls, it can turn us into those,  take us to those dark spaces and turn us into the self-loathing, globs of human goo.

And I think the key that. I have found is just finding those bad-ass, representation of, who I want to be and who I,  What I want to embody and the more I can bring that into my life, I know I have,  a lot more better days. If I've got that in my feed, on social media, then a bunch of people that don't align with those values.

And that's why my name of my business is Value Yourself Counseling is because I am a values-based person. So you got to know what your inner values are, and then make sure you are representing that everywhere you can.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:25] so live by your values. Don't so your identity, maybe your identity, isn't so much in what you do, how you look, but in what you value and what you stand for on an internal level and not all this other external stuff.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:40:45] Right. And that's where all my struggles have  lied in my life. My struggles have been the hardest when I have not been in alignment with my values when I have been forced or coerced or made to believe that I needed to live for someone else's purpose for someone else's values and not in alignment with my own

Damaged Parents: [00:41:04] So how do you stay in alignment with your own though? if you're, like, let's say you're transitioning from living for those right. There are people instead of for yourself, do you remember what that process was like and how you got through that?

Amanda Ferrat: [00:41:19] First thing is to do a values audit to literally there are lists you can find on the internet, that lists all the different values and sitting down. And the first step is to like, Circle 20, right. That kind of resonate with you and then narrow it down to 10 and then narrow it down to like three to five that are just your core pillar values.

You know, making sure that those definitions of what they are, right. And maybe from that 20, you realize. Of those five that you pick,  five or six of those other values can fall under that one. So that one becomes the core because you can see how other ones kind of fall underneath that value in your embodiment of that value.

And then, once you know what those are, and you kind of, I suggest putting up on a sticky note or whatever on your wall,  so that they're there as a visual reminder. And then. Or get artwork. I know people can't see me, but like compassion is one of my core values. And I found this beautiful card that had artwork on it.

This has compassionate and it's framed behind me. So whatever you can do to kind of have those where you can visually have those as a reminder, I think it helps. And then do those value audits from time to time, if something ever feels out of alignment. Check back in. If relationships feel out of alignment, ask yourself, does this person's core values match with my core values, do their core values align with mine?

And if they don't,  then that's where that discord in that relationship is most likely coming from. And then you can say,  these are my core values, so these are my needs. This is what I need in my life to align with these core values. So that can say, you know, these are the behaviors I need from other people or the expectations I have.

Right. And know that people can't meet your expectations. You don't set those boundaries. If you don't let it be known what those expectations are. So that's another way that values inform us is values. Allow us to know what our boundaries need to be and how we can set those.

Damaged Parents: [00:43:15] Yeah. And it sounds like what you're saying. I heard you say go back to the values assessment as needed, or maybe just even periodically. So in that statement, what I'm thinking you're telling us is that your values might change and that's okay.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:43:30] I had to reevaluate mine after coming to terms, you know, as part of coming to terms with my grief and my grief journey in coming to terms with,  owning that I. Even though I don't have a diagnosis, if I read the ADA definition of disability, I am disabled. And so having to go back to those values and just be like, okay, what ones still fit?

Where am I needing to shift? You know, you grow, we grow and change. As people, we, our lived experiences shape us. Our education shapes us, you know, our perspectives change. There's all sorts of cartoons and memes out there, right? With caterpillars and butterflies, right where the Caterpillar is sitting there with the butterfly and the Caterpillar doesn't understand how the butterfly, you know, why is the butterfly wants to be a, butterflier how the butterfly got to be a butterfly.

We are all meant more to metamorphosize and change and grow. And in that change and growth it's uncomfortable. Right? All that happens in discomfort. But I, my compass to help me get through has always been going back to those values and kind of figuring out, is there something out of alignment?

What can I step back into what feels, What is calling to me right now in my life, what do I need in my relationships? And then there's another piece of that that I learned about actually just this year and that's our core desired feelings. So then we can go into the same thing, right? We can have this feelings list, go ahead and to kind of pick our top 20 and then narrow it down and narrow it down again until we get to our top three, like what our core desire feelings.

And you know, like, We can use those to help navigate, like, this is how I want to feel in my life. And if something coming into my life is not aligning, like it's not making me feel this way. It's making me feel the opposite,  navigate and know kind of what we need to eliminate or what we need more of.

 So like, I, one of my words, I can't just do three, so I made mine all like two word things. I changed one of the feelings into like an adjective. So one of mine is like curiously, curiously, compassionate, because I want to have,  curiosity around situations that like caused me to prickle up and have compassion for whatever's,  but another one is spiritually aligned.

I. Realize that I kind of navigated 2020, like, eh, however, and wasn't really embracing my spirituality and wasn't, Putting protected time on the calendar, around certain things that I needed to to honor that. And I am doing that differently this year and it already feels so much better. So again, checking in with those values, once you kind of feel good playing around with your values and you know what those are, then the next step I think, would be those core desired feelings.

 I gap there, there a bridge to the gap, or before you do any of this work, it's just having that awareness. So I love what you said earlier about you don't label your emotions as good or bad. You instead say fun or un-fun, but you recognize that they all have a job to do that. They all have a message to send.

And that is my that's the core of my work as well that I do with people is that emotional wellness counselor is. Just having that awareness of what your emotions are and what they're there to tell you, because they are not good or bad, they are not positive or negative. They all have a job to do so if we're feeling joy well, what are we joyous about?

How can we celebrate it and hold onto that joy? And remember that joy later when we're in moments of despair and maybe need some of that joy. To borrow again, to help us get out of that. Right. And then in those moments of despair, what need isn't being met, what is, what is missing there and how can we fill that?

Right. So all of our emotions serve a purpose. They all have something to tell us and to help us learn and grow, keep us safe, whatever it is. And so I love that you recognize that and brought that up because I think that's the first piece is just that. All right. I am feeling grief. What is my grief here to tell me, is it telling me that I miss this person because I love them so much.

And I've got this thing in my life right now that I really wished that I could share with them. How can I still share it with them? How can I honor this piece of me that's missing this grief right now in this moment, right? So, or. Yeah, I'm really mad. Why am I mad? Like, Oh, I'm mad because I was disappointed somebody let me down.

Well, now I can reach out to them and say, Hey, I felt disappointed when you did this. And here's what I need next time. Right. And so we can kind of, again, begin to advocate for ourselves and kind of set those boundaries and just. Begin to navigate our lives in a way that is, is aligned. We're getting our needs met.

We're having a voice. And that voice is being heard because we are using it in a way that allows it to be heard.

Damaged Parents: [00:48:13] Yeah, because like, we were talking about earlier, Yelling and screaming. I don't hear people when they're yelling at screaming at me. So if I'm going at somebody telling them they're sick, that it wrong. If you will, I, they're just not going to hear me. And I've,  it's actually, I think for me, been more helpful to go in with empathy and understanding from that perspective, I take it.

Sometimes it had, that can be my only job and I will feel attacked. Oh my gosh, I will feel attacked. And I just bite. Back my, I keep, I just be quiet and I just try to ask more questions so I can understand so that I can get to the next step. And that is hard. So for our listeners, it sounds great. It is really hard in practice.

 so. Three things. I mean, you've given us a ton of things, but what would be your top three that you would like to give to someone who's maybe just now figuring out that they don't have the same body they used to they're they're different. They're slower. They're they hurt more. Maybe. I don't know. It could be anything.

So what are the three tools you would like to give them or make sure that they walk away from, from this podcast with.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:49:25] Learn how to ask for what you need first and foremost, and know that it's okay to ask for what you need. So that would be the first one. Second learn how to protect your time, energy, and space. So in the chronic illness world, we talk about spoons, right? My fellow spoonie is, will know what I'm talking about.

So we wake up every day with only so many spoons to spend, right? And we get to decide how much energy we spend. Well, there's the addition of that, which are the forks. So the forks are the expectations from the outside world that gets stuck in us that we don't have any control over. But when we set boundaries and when we kind of know how to navigate and set up our calendars and protect our time.

We can balance those spoons and forks a lot better. And then we can have those moments of, Hey, Whoa, not enough spoons, too many forks I'm done. So learn how to balance and protect your energy. I think that's just the basis of good self care is. You know, being able to look at, this is a week where I've got a lot going on Monday to Friday, so Saturday and Sunday, the calendar needs to be absolutely clear because I'm going to need to really take some self care time or, you know, what I'm having to get up early on this morning.

So I know I'm going to need to go to, you know, just really kind of learning your body's rhythms. I'm a big advocate of knowing your chronotype. And every there's four chronotypes and it it's based on your circadian rhythm. I'm a Wolf chronotype. I don't do things before 10:00 AM. I am not meant to do things before 10:00 AM.

I am not functional before 10:00 AM. And even at 10:00 AM, it's a little questionable. So you don't get to know yourself, really get to know yourself and then honor yourself the best you can. And then thirdly, It's okay. If you're not okay and know you're not alone. So find that representation, find that community, find those safer spaces, find those advocates and allies. And if you can't or if it's hard, Learn to be your own and know it's a journey and have grace and kindness and compassion with yourself.

Damaged Parents: [00:51:24] thank you so much, Amanda. Those are some great things that our listeners it's great gems of wisdom from you today.

Amanda Ferrat: [00:51:32] thank you. This has been fun.

Damaged Parents: [00:51:34] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Amanda about how she learned to stand up for herself and be straight forward. We especially liked when she told us she decided to go vegetarian in a ranch family. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents.

We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.