S2E68 - Trust the Niggle, Tell the Truth

When grief rocked her world a little less than 2 years ago, Candice knew it was time to stop her life, hit the pause button and finally do the deep work to heal her heart, self and mindset. She spent 14 weeks in deep personal soul searching, meditation, quiet reflection; with a side of weekly therapy and support from various healing modalities to help her recenter, refocus and heal her deep feminine nature. Emerging from this place, Candice has begun to embrace her fierce and receptive feminine nature with her formally developed masculine side. The journey to be and embrace all the parts of herself has led her to the place to start her wildly successful Create the Ripple Podcast; Trust the Niggle and Tell the Truth - where she features other amazing guests who are not afraid to do the hard work of personal development, listen to their own minds/heart and then speak up and out for those things that matter; to themselves and to make a difference in the world.

Social media and contact information:

@candicecreation, @singlemamasuccessclub, @createtheripplepodcast

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged podcast by Damaged Parents where assaulted, suicidal, making a difference, kind of people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way.

[00:00:19] I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something. Something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

[00:00:42] Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is you the one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.

[00:01:04] You who stares directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover your purpose, you are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

[00:01:35] Today, we're going to talk with Candace Smiley. We'll talk about how after being sexually assaulted many years ago she didn't get to heal or even realize she needed to until two years ago let's find out how she found health and healing let's

[00:01:52] Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Candice Smiley. She is a mom podcaster essentialist she's willing to Josh with me, which is fantastic. She also spends her time living in a tiny home 250 square feet, traveling with her daughter, speaking on podcasts and on stages and sharing candidly with other women on how to find love after betrayal, how to trust themselves.

[00:02:22] How to speak up for themselves and how to set powerful boundaries. You can find Candice on social media @candicecreation @singlemamasuccessclub. Create the Ripple podcast. Candice, welcome to the show.

[00:02:41] Candice Smiley: Thank you so much. I am excited to be here.

[00:02:44] Damaged Parents: Me too. I mean, okay. I know that before we really started recording and I said, I love that, your timeframe. I also think it's fascinating that you're living in a tiny house and I want to know about that.

[00:02:56] Candice Smiley: You know what, honestly, the, I started out to be a minimalism. I like to be a minimalist rather. Because life kind of took a few turns. And of course, if someone looks at my timeline, right, there are, I talk about key moments that were relatively not so pleasant and then moments that were amazing.

[00:03:12] And these are sort of key moments where I made a decision to go one way or another the tiny house came because I got left with a significant amount of debt right before I turned 30. And so the minimalism was sort of forced upon me. And then along the way, someone sent me this video and it was about tiny homes and they were like, this is right up your alley.

[00:03:29] I guess there was this image that I was, into thrifting and living like that. And fell in love with the concept less. The small space originally, although that was attractive, right? The less is more kind of concept, but that you could customize it, that you really had to think and put some intentionality into your home.

[00:03:49] Damaged Parents: So very creative.

[00:03:51] Candice Smiley: Very much and more than that do I really need this space? Cause right now what we do is we buy homes that are basically cookie cutter and then we buy furniture to fill it. And I was like, I don't want sure that's my jam. I'm not sure. And I just come from, owning multiple homes and multiple cars.

[00:04:06] And so it was a very much a, an about face in my life. And I realized that I was actually happier. With less, there was less anxiety. I didn't feel like I had to work so hard to not even be in the home. I was working so hard to pay for and this sort of thing. And so it just sort of seemed to make a lot of sense and then fast forward a few years, and I've shifted now into essential ism, which is way more, about less, but better.

[00:04:28] So you don't mind spending money. You don't mind adding things, but it's really about, does it really bring me joy? Is it adding to my life? This is something that has some value and that trickles into every area of your life, your friends, your business, just everywhere. And it's a really great way to live, to finding my title.

[00:04:45] In 2021, the world's shut down and I needed a new place to be. And I said, no, I'm not going to get an apartment. I'm not going to get another house. I'm going to look for a tiny home. And so now myself, my partner, my daughter, and our brand new baby boy, he's four months old at time of recording. And we all live in 250 square feet and it's awesome.

[00:05:03] Damaged Parents: Okay. So I'm trying to picture what 250 square feet is like, and I'm thinking maybe two bedrooms and a regular home, maybe,

[00:05:14] Candice Smiley: Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, there's some, there's some video online on my YouTube channel, so people can kind of have a quick little tour and I do go through it on my TikTok and that sort of thing. But basically it's one open room where there's a full fridge, a full stove. Some shelves you have to be kind of careful about the shelves, but really do you need more than, six plates or, that sort of thing.

[00:05:34] No dishwasher. So we do dishes every day, that sort of thing. And then there's two lofts, which actually extend the space by to make it about 350 square feet for living space. So that's quite nice. And so up on top, we have the kids room, which was basically one of the lofts. And then my partner and I are on the other side.

[00:05:51] Which is fine, cause it's about a foot taller than most tiny homes are, which made it a pain to move on the highway. But beyond that, it really does give a space. People walk in typically and they say, wow, this is way bigger than I thought it was. So it's very well designed the ladders fold up and fold down.

[00:06:08] So there, the, a lot lost space. The bonus thing about this, what was really interesting is I had sketched out in my mind what I thought my ideal tiny house would look like. And the only thing this, tiny house I'm living in now doesn't have is sort of a, a way to cross from the loft to loft, which I decided afterwards.

[00:06:25] Probably wouldn't have worked really well. It would have had to crawl across and it would have been just been kids. And I would have worried about them being so high up too. I mean, it worked out well, but what I didn't plan was there's actually French doors that divide the downstairs space. So I actually have a dedicated office space.

[00:06:40] Most of the time they stay open so that we have, the space, but when I'm doing podcasts or stuff like this, I'm able to, close the door. And the family can continue to function. And it has a full bathroom, which is really also awesome. And it's not one of these standup showers and that sort of thing.

[00:06:54] So it's all

[00:06:54] min...miniature.

[00:06:55] Damaged Parents: So you're talking, it's got a tub.

[00:06:57] Candice Smiley: It's kind of tub. Yeah. It's got a tub and it actually had a full tug when we bought it, which we then pulled out because we said we need more water than we need tub space, but it still has a tub that, I can sit in and some more of a, a tiny soaker tub, but it's perfect for the kids.

[00:07:14] And of course my partner prefers to shower, so it works out really, really well. Again, people that are like, wow, I had no idea. You guys are going to get all of this in there. So it's, pretty exciting to be in there

[00:07:22] Damaged Parents: yeah.

[00:07:23] it's amazing. Just thinking about all of the little things. Cause I had been looking at cleaning some shelves and things off recently anyway, and I'm like, huh, I wonder, and it's, kind of funny because. I room with, someone.

[00:07:37] And that person is one person who has way more stuff than me. And here I am still looking and seeing the abundance in what I have. And I think that is a , mind set shift that probably came through your journey.

[00:07:52] Candice Smiley: Yup.

[00:07:53] Damaged Parents: And so I'm thinking let's start from the beginning.

[00:07:56] Let's go through this journey.

[00:07:57] Candice Smiley: Yeah, for sure. So I grew up and it was a really wonderful childhood and I think that was a really great thing. And I talk about it a lot because I think it gave me a great grounding space for not getting sort of blown over completely by what was to come later. But at 17, a gentleman I was seeing came to visit and sexually assaulted me.

[00:08:15] And that really started. A very interesting healing journey that took me 20 years to really come to terms with, to be honest with you. And so that started everything. And you and I were chatting before, we officially sort of recording, that for both of us were working very much on our throat chakra.

[00:08:31] And for me, I can remember thinking that I was very uncomfortable with what was, happening as it was happening. And let's put it mildly, but you know, sort of in this first stage is I'm uncomfortable with this and I'd like it to stop. And I don't know how to say that because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

[00:08:46] And that was a trend that came through out my life. If someone looks at , my story, they're like, why didn't you say anything? I'm like, well, I didn't necessarily know how I wasn't sure how of say it. I was raised to be a nice girl. The etymology of the word nice is actually stupid. So since, and through my healing, I've become fascinated with words because I think we create our world with our word.

[00:09:08] And You know, I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. And I thought it was just me. And, there was something in me that knew it wasn't a good relationship to begin with, but I didn't necessarily have a logical thing to say, Hey this isn't good. Whereas now I would say, I don't know, but something feels off about this.

[00:09:24] And so I'm not going to do it, or I'm going to go in, with a little bit of skepticism, but at 17 I was so naive. I'd never. Even held the boy's hand at the time when he showed up. And things happened very quickly and I ended up staying with him for over two years. Cause I didn't know how to say I'm not happy and I want to get out, which sounds weird, but it just wasn't there.

[00:09:42] I didn't know how

[00:09:43] to do it.

[00:09:43] Damaged Parents: And I'm thinking though, too, that's not really something we talked to our kids about, by the way, at some point you are going to feel uncomfortable instead of saying, think, I think we, as a society might come from this naive perspective of, oh, that's not going to happen to my children or these children instead of talking about, Hey, when this feeling comes up, what are some things that you can do? So is that something that you, I mean, you've got kids now. You've got it. Not that the four months into an understand, how do you work with that with your daughter, your older child?

[00:10:20] Candice Smiley: I think like you said, we don't talk about it and then that's one of the reasons why I'm so open to talk about it. I've done a lot of the work, so there's no more trigger anymore. It's just something that happened in the timeline, right. In a story. And so now I want to talk about it. So someone else can hear it and go, oh, I'm also uncomfortable.

[00:10:36] Or, you know what, maybe I should talk to my, kid and yeah, a big part of that is I, my daughter is an extrovert, so I'm an introvert. I'm quite happy with myself all day. And She's a force of nature. And the fact that she knows who she is and her boundaries, I really, it reinforced those.

[00:10:52] That becomes a challenge sometimes when we want to do things and she's mommy, I make up my own mind. And I said, I know, and I respect that. And to this point here is why I'm telling you we need to do this. So it is a challenging, you know, for, parenting. And I've talked about it, with, her co-parent my co-parents and.

[00:11:09] The other people around her because I'm not willing to sort of beat that out of, to be a good girl. I tell him, I don't need you to be a good girl. I need you to know when it's appropriate and that sometimes your actions have a negative impact on others. So we talk a lot more about how other people behaving, makes you feel.

[00:11:24] she knows that she can say, mommy, I'm not happy about this. This makes me uncomfortable. And I really encourage that. So that at some point I can say to her, Hey, if anybody ever does this, I don't care who you are. What's going on a you are allowed to say no at any particular point, if it doesn't feel good, it probably isn't good.

[00:11:41] And it's not a problem to say, Hey, we need to slow down. And if that other person doesn't respect it, whether it's me or your dad or anybody, that's not cool consent has to happen all the time. And so I, actually just finished talking about this on another podcast that, consent happens all the time.

[00:11:58] It's not something that just happens in the beginning of a relationship. There should be consent all the way through because we're always respecting the other person

[00:12:05] Damaged Parents: Right. Is that As a person,

[00:12:07] Candice Smiley: person. Right. And I think that's really important. I'm not really teaching her about, that yet, but I am teaching her about consent in a really big way, but it's about respect to persons and that includes for her.

[00:12:20] Right. You can't just go jump on, my partner now, if he's not, you know, he's not ready to play. Then you have to ask, you have to get his consent. And so we're really driving that home. That consent is important so that if somebody ever crosses her boundary, no matter where it is, she goes, whoa, you don't have my consent.

[00:12:37] And she may not even understand what I'm trying to set her up for.

[00:12:41] Damaged Parents: Yeah, and gosh, that's so beautiful because. I'm just thinking of what that world would look like, and I'm reminded that I believe it's the United nations. There's actually like a oh, I wish I could remember the book I read about it in, but there is like a declaration that children are humans.

[00:13:01] I want to say it was one of my books on bias that I read by I think it was by Nordel. And I thought about that, and that is so much the harder way to parent. I think

[00:13:13] Candice Smiley: Yeah.

[00:13:14] Damaged Parents: you lean in.

[00:13:17] Candice Smiley: Yeah. Yes for the mother listening, who thinks, wow, that's gonna be a lot of work. Yes, yes it is. And it's really, really, really, really hard, except honestly, the number of women I know who have been through something like this, who also grew up like me and I think, well, we weren't set up and I can't blame my parents and I don't blame my parents, but there was no language for me to say, this makes me uncomfortable.

[00:13:39] Damaged Parents: yeah.

[00:13:39] Candice Smiley: Like it

[00:13:40] just wasn't

[00:13:40] taught it. Wasn't talked about.

[00:13:42] Damaged Parents: and it. Wasn't talked about.

[00:13:43] There was this. Underlying it's just not allowed. Because it wasn't talked about and I mean, I can speak, I did, but the best of my ability to try and teach my kids that, and as teenagers, it's actually easier having, given them those tools when they were younger. It's also very much so the harder, the harder path as a parent, but. That makes me think about, isn't relationship where we learn who we are.

[00:14:12] Candice Smiley: I'm nodding. Yes.

[00:14:13] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:14:15] Candice Smiley: Yeah.

[00:14:15] Damaged Parents: I mean, so it probably took you a long time to, even, because that voice had been. Silenced for a lack of a better word. Unintentionally to figure that out. I mean, you've got just this journey starting what, 20 years ago. So 20 years it's taken to almost find your voice

[00:14:38] because

[00:14:38] you didn't have it.

[00:14:39] Candice Smiley: Very much so, I want to talk about that too, right? Like that. I want people to know that if you can't talk about it or if it takes you 40 years, it doesn't matter. There's no timeline on your healing. And I think interestingly enough, giving myself the gift of time to work through what had happened was not something I did intention.

[00:14:57] But now looking back, I go, oh, it could people like, well, were you healing throughout? And I was like, yes, of course I was seeing a therapist and I was working it through, but it actually took me till 2020 when I did the deepest healing yet I did 14 weeks of, therapist on Monday. And there were pissed on Thursday and anybody else I knew who had a modality and healing.

[00:15:15] Right. I was like, Hey, you're not working right now. can we do a zoom call? Can you help me work through this? to say. I was sexually assaulted at 17 because I would not call it what it was. And I would look up different words. I was like, well, that's not what happened to me. And, oh, that's not what happened to me.

[00:15:29] And then I looked it up and I was like, wow, that was an assault on my person. That's what happened to me. And the gravity of that, that I had been carrying that and minimizing it and all the stories I was telling and everything else I was walking around.

[00:15:42] Damaged Parents: yeah.

[00:15:42] Candice Smiley: I was walking around damage rather than saying this happened.

[00:15:46] Okay. Now I can acknowledge that and begin to move on, which, know, you see in the timeline, there was a time when I was being very self abusive and, wanted to self-harm myself and had to work through that. But I'd been, I I'd buried it for what six years,

[00:16:02] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. Would you say though that cause you had used the words assault on my person. And I'm wondering , if you would also say that it was like an assault of your soul.

[00:16:13] Candice Smiley: Very much

[00:16:14] Damaged Parents: okay. And so.

[00:16:15] then you're, saying you walk around for six years before this starts to boil up and does that, what it felt like boiling up,

[00:16:23] Candice Smiley: it felt like I was disengaged from myself because that was something I did when it happened, because of course I was in a relationship with this gentleman for two years. I didn't know how to remove myself from the relationship. So it happened over and over and over and over again. I never wanted it throughout that entire relationship.

[00:16:39] So it was a long time. And one of the ways lot of victims learn to cope is they disengage. And so I wasn't in touch with my emotions at all. I would just turn off, which means I didn't laugh anymore. I didn't cry anymore. I wasn't present. I wanted to be a singer, interestingly enough yeah. I had plans to go overseas to a couple of more artistic schools.

[00:16:59] And then I wanted to pursue a career in music, which you're right. I just stopped. I silenced that's actually the chapter in books where I call it the silencing, because I just stopped talking. I just stopped interacting. So yeah, it was definitely who I thought I was, was no longer who I thought I could be anymore.

[00:17:15] And it actually, the 20 years was a fighting for me to get back to who. Always believed I was right deep down, inside and beyond this one thing that had happened.

[00:17:25] Damaged Parents: just because I know that at the 13 year mark was when you decided not to kill yourself and for anyone sitting in that moment of feeling like maybe there, you can text 7, 4 1 7 4 1 to get some assistance and some, services and to talk about it, but, Did you realize as you were becoming more and more depressed and starting to have these ideas about suicide and things like that, that did you realize it was because of that?

[00:17:51] Were you able to connect it at that point?

[00:17:53] Candice Smiley: Well, yeah, if I buried it, I hadn't told anybody about it. And the few people I had dared to tell about it often said things like a. They didn't know how to deal with it. They were like, whoa, that's heavy, man. Right? Like they were, but there wasn't really a. Or worse was other women who said, oh, honey, that happens to all of us.

[00:18:11] You get over, you just learn to deal with it. And that normalizing of the trauma was probably the worst thing that that happened. Cause it, it further silenced me and I was amazed at how I wasn't myself anymore. I knew it wasn't myself. And it was chalked up to being a moody teenager. It was chalked up to being, like it was chalked up to many, many, many things, but nobody looked me in the eye.

[00:18:32] When are you? Okay. Are you really okay. And I would have lied about it because I didn't know how to talk about it. And I felt like it was my fault. Cause gaslighting and manipulation tends to go with that sort of abuse yeah. Right. It was something you just didn't do. So I just didn't know how to talk about it.

[00:18:44] Cause we just didn't talk about it.

[00:18:45] Damaged Parents: So after quite literally making the decision not to, injure yourself in a final way, did you start therapy at that point? Or was it just a conscious,

[00:18:55] Candice Smiley: I called one of those numbers that you just talked about. I did,

[00:18:58] I went from laying on the floor. My cat was hanging out and she wouldn't leave me alone. And so I thought, well, I can't leave her because then who would feed my cat and silly things like that, that go through your head. And so I got up and I made call

[00:19:09] and they said, are you going to hurt yourself now? And I said, no, I think I'm through that moment. Then they said, k great. Tomorrow, therapist's going to call you, she's going to set something up. And the first thing I remember realizing is they were so compassionate. They were not patronizing. They were like good for you for calling.

[00:19:24] You did the first hardest step. And they were right. Cause I mean, I'd had the phone in my hand many times to say, Hey, I'm not okay. And that was the first part where I started to say, I'm not okay. Something's happened and I'm not okay. Did I tell her my therapist what happened? No. It took me years to tell even my therapists, what happened.

[00:19:42] We worked through, you know, another boyfriend that I was saying was the reason of this. We worked through it, lots of things. And I think that's really important again, for people to say the real therapy didn't start until I acknowledged. What happened to me. And for some people, they may never be able to say their truth the way I do, but I would encourage them go look in the mirror and acknowledge what happened to you in the depth of it and find the help to do that because you can't go through this by yourself.

[00:20:11] It took a lot of amazing therapists and people who stood by me and said, It didn't, you know, it happened for you. It didn't happen to you, but we do need to acknowledge that there is some pain there. And to be honest, there was a lot of relief when I finally said, well, this happened and it did affect me and it did change me and my life is on a different path and I get to mourn all of that.

[00:20:33] It's okay to not be okay. And now what am I going to do with that? And that's, where I'm coming from today.

[00:20:38] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Now. So you had these other things happening in your life that you had to work through I mean, I'm thinking it took you a minute to get to a place where you felt safe enough to even acknowledge the 20 year ago stuff like.

[00:20:53] Candice Smiley: Yes.

[00:20:55] Damaged Parents: could you even see? I mean, that's where I'm, I think I'm trying to get is could you see it at the, at the 13 year

[00:21:01] Candice Smiley: I could personally, could I talk about that with my therapist? Not a chance.

[00:21:06] Damaged Parents: Got it. So, so

[00:21:08] Candice Smiley: could not

[00:21:09] Damaged Parents: there, but you couldn't talk about it.

[00:21:12] Candice Smiley: no.

[00:21:12] Damaged Parents: You could go.

[00:21:13] Candice Smiley: Yeah, no, because I could remember being in her chair and she was like, so what brought you here? And I was like, I was sexually assaulted at 17, but I couldn't say it because I was still blaming myself.

[00:21:22] I was still like, there was, I might've been sitting in her chair and I probably said something about my boyfriend just broke up with me and I'm really stressed. Does that make sense? And she was compassionate. So I think if we went back, she probably knew there was more, but she did set me up with great habits, like journaling and some other stuff.

[00:21:38] Right. So she did empower me,

[00:21:39] Damaged Parents: So you deflected, like

[00:21:41] most.

[00:21:41] Candice Smiley: deflected. Totally, totally. And that's why, I'm a big proponent now. Just be honest with yourself. I knew what was going on. It just took me years to peel the layers back and peel the layers back and peel the layers back. And then when I finally told someone this happened to me, they were like, oh my God, that makes so much sense.

[00:21:57] And I was like, I know. And I've been hiding it for years

[00:22:00] Damaged Parents: Well, I feel like it is getting safer to talk about in

[00:22:04] general, but I mean, I have a disability, I've had people just sitting in front of me and, and just broken down and then thought it was wrong. and I think about like people at work, I mean, what happens when people go to work?

[00:22:18] there's this trauma, there's this history and it's still, I think on some level wrong at work, because I can, tell you like, who wouldn't think it worked, oh, I'm not going to get this done. or like even a supervisor or something. Well, now that's off the table and that's off the table and that's off the, and so then there might be some panic there and then it's well, I don't want you to work through this emotional trauma right now.

[00:22:40] So I think that's even a bigger message. Subconscious message that is going on through our society that I think is trying to shift, but not quite there yet.

[00:22:51] Candice Smiley: We're there yet, but we need more of these conversations because, even though I didn't like it the first time someone told me, regardless of what happened to you, it's your responsibility to heal? That made me mad because I was like, I didn't ask for this to happen. And. I wouldn't say even 10 years ago, if I had hinted about what was going on in my path, people would have said, well, what was she wearing?

[00:23:09] And what does she do? And why didn't she say something? It's her responsibility to say something? Yeah, it is my responsibility to say something. It was also somebody's responsibility to see that it was also like there cannot cast blame and fix this problem. We have to look and say, there's a hole there, there's a hole there.

[00:23:23] We need to fill it. How do we change this? So that there is a different stage. Chatted on a man's podcast about my story at one point, and the question they asked me was, well, why are you telling it now? Do you want any kind of justice? And I was like, There is no justice for this there, that's not the point.

[00:23:39] You miss the point. And I mean, I understand your masculine, you know, bent to fix it. There's no fixing this, but what I do want to change is the narrative. So another woman can say that was me and I haven't told anybody about it so that she can begin to talk about it even with herself and acknowledge it because just acknowledging it brought so much relief.

[00:23:59] Damaged Parents: Being like all of a sudden seeing It like, knowing it's there as one thing, but to see it

[00:24:06] Candice Smiley: Yeah.

[00:24:07] Damaged Parents: is. I think probably another thing. and I do also want to point out, even though We are, two women talking that ma I have talked to a couple of men who have been sexually assaulted

[00:24:19] Candice Smiley: 100%.

[00:24:19] Damaged Parents: It happens. It's just as devastating.

[00:24:24] Candice Smiley: With an assault on a person. That's why I used persons.

[00:24:27] Damaged Parents: And furthermore to the soul. When I think of person, you know, I think of this body, I think, of, these worldly things. When I think of the soul, it's like those deeper injuries really do happen. And again, All I think right now, the best thing we can do, I think you're right.

[00:24:43] Is just continue to talk about it and to say, yeah, guess what employer, when that employee falls apart, they might be your best employee and they're going to fall apart at one point, and allowing room for that. So how do we teach employers to allow room? Oh, I don't know why I got onto employers with you, but.

[00:25:02] Candice Smiley: I think it's important. Cause I mean, I have a, me too movement and that was a gentleman who was employing me at the time and wanted to take something that wasn't his, and for me that was devastating because. I still didn't have all the words to say it. And at that point I was still very much in the throws of, healing.

[00:25:18] So I felt like saying, oh my God, it's happening again? How do I get myself in these messes? And so I turned the dialogue that should have been spew on my mouth. Here's where to go and how to get there. Mr. On myself, how did I get myself here? How do I get myself out of it? It's a scary place to be.

[00:25:33] And that's why I put it out there for women to be like, you're not crazy when you're questioning these things. You know what I mean? Like it's not your fault, but it is your fault because you got to do the healing so that you stop attracting these relationships. So you stop, cause now if someone did that, I'd be like, excuse me, there's a boundary, you crossed it peace out.

[00:25:51] Right? It'd be very easy, but it's taken me this long to get there. And so again, I want to talk about it so that other women know there's no judgments. Especially in a safe circle to say, Hey, this is happening. In fact, women like me will say, well, here's what you do. And here's what you say.

[00:26:05] I've been through foreclosure because somebody left me in a lurch and I had to deal with that. I've been through healing. I talk openly about my suicide because I want people to know that it happens and the further we shove it on the ground and it's suicide is a big deal for men. I think about that a lot more than women do.

[00:26:25] And so we need to be talking about these sorts of things for people again, so that we remove the stigma and the shame, because that's what keeps us silent as the victims. And if we're silent, it's not a good place for us to be,

[00:26:39] Damaged Parents: Yeah, real quick. What I heard you say was it's not your fault, but it is your fault. Could you elaborate on what you

[00:26:47] mean by that?

[00:26:48] Candice Smiley: So I was naive when I got myself into the first situation, but then it was my job. To do the healing, right? if they say that, if you don't heal the wound, you're going to bleed all over everybody else. And that was definitely what I was doing in my life.

[00:27:02] I was bleeding all over the place. Like it was in my personal life. It was in my professional life. It was in my friendships. There were some, big traumas and I knew it. If you had asked me back then, I would've said, well, someday, I'm going to take a week off. I'm gonna do a yoga retreat. I'm going to do some healing.

[00:27:17] I just never made the time to do it. So it was more convenient for me at some point to be a victim and hold that. And so at some point, at some point as we mature, right, because thank goodness, we're not who we were at 16 or 17 at 27

[00:27:31] or 37. Let's hope. We're not, at some point I could have said, you know what?

[00:27:36] He was an asshole. He did some asshole things. I should probably deal with that. The repercussions in my life. A lot of it was for me admitting I'm not okay. Number one, number two, it did change me. And that still hurts because I had some things I really wanted to do in my life. So I think we need to acknowledge that and grieve.

[00:27:55] I am not the same person. Something happened regardless of what it is. Cause it could be assault, it could be getting sick. It could be any number of things. We really have to acknowledge that. And like you said, take some time to grieve. And so I needed to grieve that I was scared if I started to think about everything I lost, I might never come back from that.

[00:28:14] The reality was when I finally let myself feel what I hadn't been feeling for years, it was like relief. My whole body went, thank goodness. She's finally feeling again, did it hurt? Yeah, totally did. And I had friends that I said, I'm having a tough day and they don't leave me alone when I'm like, why don't I was having a tough day.

[00:28:33] Right. That sort of thing. So, I mean, certainly get some therapy, get some help, talk to somebody. But I took responsibility for my healing. So first and foremost, I moved beyond forgiveness, which almost has a sort of hierarchy to it. Right. I forgive you. I'm over you. I was done with that energy. I had to move to acceptance.

[00:28:50] This happened, it changed me. I made different choices because it happened. It's had an impact. I have trouble with trust. I have trouble with all of these things. And then once I laid them all out, I was like, okay. Because I continued to hurt myself. I got assaulted one time and then I allowed it to keep happening, or I chose other people who continue that cycle.

[00:29:10] Ultimately, end of the day, I had to accept that it was me who was at the center of all these things. And that was actually not disempowering for me. It was empowering for me because I felt like I lost my power.

[00:29:23] Versus acknowledging and accepting what is in all of its grossness was like, in control and what do I want to do with that?

[00:29:32] And then I chose to heal what I say something. If I saw him ever again, you bet I would. Absolutely. I would. What I say it from a place of revenge and anger. Probably some holy anger. Right? You crossed the line, you knew. Now you have daughters, how does that make you feel? Right? would his sorry mean?

[00:29:50] Anything? Probably not,

[00:29:51] Probably not,

[00:29:52] Damaged Parents: not to you,

[00:29:53] Candice Smiley: not to me. I needed to do the work here first. So it wasn't about forgiving him. It was about accepting this happened. Here's the meaning. I signed to that thing

[00:30:04] Damaged Parents: yeah.

[00:30:04] Candice Smiley: my run my life through them.

[00:30:06] Damaged Parents: And it almost sounds like there's a difference between recognize what someone did and that, that hurt and kind of going to this place of while they know not what they do. Okay. Well, that's fine. And great. They're still this emotional pain over here. Whether or not they even intended to injure you or not.

[00:30:22] So it's almost like there's two different processes. The way that you're talking about it.

[00:30:27] Candice Smiley: There's a reason 30, 20 years people.

[00:30:31] No. I mean, I, say that because yeah, it was a lot of work, but to be honest, I'm proud of myself. It was about getting back to my soul. Like you say, it was about fighting to get back to me. It was about getting back to that. Like honestly admitting, it was just huge giving myself space to feel it and almost being like, wow.

[00:30:52] Yeah. I'm sorry that happened to you. That was, that really was awful and now what are you going to do with it? I'm like, well, now I'm going to talk about it because why did it happen? Well, I had to get past that. Why did it happen to me too? Well, why did it happen while I wasn't empowered with words to use?

[00:31:08] And why was that? That was nobody's fault, right? There was a lot of things that happened that got me there. Did I know he was bad news? Yes, I did. That's why my podcast is called Trust the Niggle Tell the Truth. There was a niggle that said even at seventeen dude is bad news. Don't do it. In fact, if I'm honest with you, it was screaming at me and I can remember feeling like what is going on with my body.

[00:31:30] I knew, I didn't know how to listen to that voice. I've never been taught. I mean, and you heard, let your conscience be your guide, you know, Disney kind of stuff. But no, like really driving this home. And so you asked about my daughter and I'm driving that point home so that I'm like, if it doesn't feel good, if it doesn't sound right, you need to trust yourself first in anybody that's making you question your own self run.

[00:31:54] I don't walk, run to a safe space where you can get some perspective on it and figure it out. Because if I had been taught that, not just to avoid, you know, being intimate with boys, cause I wasn't emotionally ready to handle it but listen, dude, puts a hand on you or ask you to do something or uncomfortable. Here is the words you use.

[00:32:12] Here's how you say SOS. Here's the number you text to get some help so

[00:32:18] that you don't have to deal with it.

[00:32:20] Damaged Parents: yeah. And what I hear from you too, is showing that in other areas of life so that when it.

[00:32:26] does come to that, the behavior is already there. The knowledge is already there to know what that looks like.

[00:32:33] Candice Smiley: A hundred percent. And I mean, it happened in every area of my life. I had friends who were well-meaning, who always crossed my boundaries. I had business partners, I was always left holding the bag. I want the person who's dealing with it. That little moment has affected every area of your life.

[00:32:49] And so first I cleaned up my friends, then I cleaned out my businesses. And then at some point I had the courage to look in that dark closet and I can remember, and I texted a very good friend of mine. I said, I'm going to go and look in there. And she said I'm right here. I'm going to text you every 10 minutes to make sure you're not doing anything.

[00:33:07] And I mean, by this point I had my daughter, you know, and so there was a lot of reasons for me to live at that point. Right. So I've moved past some of those things and dealt with it. And honestly, when I opened it up and I was like I'm going to remember. It was relief, which shocked me. And I think it's because I've been denying it for so long.

[00:33:24] And so now I ask this question, what is denying? What happened to you or not listening to the niggle? What is that actually costing you? Because it costs me 20 years of my peace what if I had had it happen, acknowledged it dealt with it right then. And there had been one moment in my life would have been entirely different versus living with it for two years and then choosing another relationship like that one and choosing another relationship being left with 350,000 over the debt, like getting into a narcissistic marriage.

[00:33:54] Oh my goodness. I could have avoided all of that. If I had dealt with the one issue, when it came up.

[00:34:01] Damaged Parents: but on some level you weren't.

[00:34:03] Candice Smiley: Wasn't ready.

[00:34:05] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Like, Isn't that? I mean, I don't know about you, but I feel like as we get older, it's oh, I see that now. That would've been great, but clearly I was not ready.

[00:34:16] Candice Smiley: No, no. And I acknowledge that, but again, that's why I want to talk about it and talk about it so openly because I can, I can see it now. I can also see how I did some amazing things and saw some amazing things. And because I was living with this much pain, I did the things that were scared of other people.

[00:34:33] I created a business. I love, I create a career. I love, I had the courage to do things because honestly, in the back of my mind, people are like, you're so brave. And I was like, listen, I didn't kill myself today, so I can do anything

[00:34:45] because you know, Some of these things you can get away from alcohol, you can get away from drugs and I'm not diminishing those as addictions, but when it's in yourself, that's the real game

[00:34:56] Damaged Parents: It

[00:34:56] Candice Smiley: when it's like, how do I do this?

[00:34:58] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:34:59] I mean, I'm just really connecting a lot here because you were suffering pain for so long, and it would make sense why. that emotional pain and physical pain lead, both types to that suicidal ideation and in figuring out how to cope and deal can be so hard.

[00:35:19] Candice Smiley: oh it's very hard.

[00:35:20] Damaged Parents: Yeah. But all the work like you were saying, it's in, I'm going to, you pointed to kind of, to the head, but I, think it's because I can't see your heart. Like It's inside here, it's here, which I think can be a really scary place to go sometimes to that soul. And into that surrender into that vulnerability while you guys, whew.

[00:35:41] I'm having fun talking

[00:35:43] Candice Smiley: So am I, oh my goodness. It's so great to talk to, someone like yourself is so willing to hold space because it's a big story. And I know there's some big things, but again, I don't think we can hide from these things anymore. We need to be talking about them because it's not just me. That's the thing that blows my mind is the more people I talk about it, there's always that hand, that's

[00:36:00] like a oh me and oh me and I have a series like this and I experienced that.

[00:36:04] We're combined by that, like we're all in this together, right?

[00:36:08] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. We're connected on a, deeper level. It's like noticing differences as smart noticing similarities as wise,

[00:36:16] Candice Smiley: Oh, I love that.

[00:36:17] Damaged Parents: We are so much more connected than I think we even realize, it's like walking into, someone came over last night and they were talking about how, they had taken someone to church and I'm like, oh, I don't belong here.

[00:36:28] You guys are all good here. And it's well, don't, don't make the judgment because we dress nice. And we're here at church that everything's perfect at home because that.

[00:36:37] is quite not, not true, which I think is the same, we need to. It will be helpful and not we need, or we should, I'm going to slow myself down there.

[00:36:45] Cause I love to tell people how to do stuff sometimes, but

[00:36:49] Candice Smiley: No.

[00:36:50] Damaged Parents: it would be great if we took that to work just because we're at work today, doesn't mean that person's not struggling. They don't have something going on at home that did it, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, the whole world is kind of like a little a hospital. We're all refugees.

[00:37:06] Candice Smiley: Yup.

[00:37:07] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Oh, Candace Smiley.

[00:37:09] Thank you so much for coming on the show. Top three real quick. Cause I know we're way over my recording time, but I usually aim for 30 minutes, but top, top three tools or tips, somebody. maybe there at the beginning, maybe a third middle or the end, but top three things you would say, maybe try this first.

[00:37:27] Candice Smiley: And honest with yourself. That's hard. That's really, really. Really hard. So , I'm feeling like I'm being cautious. They don't do it alone. You have a friend or there's somebody you can trust or, a hotline or something like that. Don't do it alone, but be honest with yourself, even if you can't speak it out loud, look yourself in the eye and acknowledge it because that's when change happens and then you'll be able to know what's next.

[00:37:50] Number two, all those years. I couldn't talk about what happened. I journaled it. I wrote it in right after it happened. And I finally got out of the relationship. I filled four journals where I just wrote everything. I was feeling the self hatred, the hatred for him, the angry, the nightmares, you name it.

[00:38:08] They were not pretty. And I did burn them afterwards, but it was therapeutic for me to pour it out somewhere and not keep it inside because keeping it inside was like, it was like, cutting me up inside. So I had to get it out of my head and then I promised myself, I wouldn't go there again ever.

[00:38:23] So journal it out, write it out. And then finally, if you can, and as you can tell yourself the truth, but give yourself the gift of time. I didn't realize I was giving myself the gift of time. And for example, when I decided to leave my marriage, I was six days post partum so very dangerous place, mentally for someone who struggles, like the stuff that I did, but I was acknowledging that, right.

[00:38:46] I was able to talk about those things. At that point. I remember looking myself in the eye and saying, I can't stay here. I can't stay here for her. I can't stay here for me. I couldn't leave for me before that, but I could leave now for her. So for hope and for promise. And then I went love a first we're going to lose the baby weight first.

[00:39:03] We're going to do that. And I remember a part of my brain was like, what? That is you're cheapening out. You are not doing what you need to do. And the other part of me was like, yeah, but how am I going to work to support her and me and take care of me if I feel this tired. Like I wasn't who I needed to be to make the changes.

[00:39:19] And so first we started drinking more water and then I started to work out a little bit. And then I got my life on track and then I worked and it was two and a half years before I sat my partner down and said, Hey, we haven't been happy for a long time and I'm leaving. And I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the biggest gift I could have given myself.

[00:39:37] And so if you are the person who is now finally, maybe today, admitting what happened, give yourself the gift of time. You'll get there. You'll, you'll be here and it probably won't take you 20 years, but, cause there were certainly some highlights in those years, but you know, first be honest, journal it out, find someone to talk to.

[00:39:55] And honestly girl, you're already doing hard and so yes, it's going to be hard and hurt like hell to heal, but the other side is totally worth it.

[00:40:06] Damaged Parents: Oh, totally worth it. You guys check out Candace Smiley on Trust the Niggle, Tells the Truth. That's her podcast. And again, you can find her on social media. @Candicecreation @thesinglemamasuccessclub and Create the Ripple Podcast. Thank you so much, Candice, for being on the show.

[00:40:27]

[00:40:27] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We really enjoy talking to Candice about how she realized she had more healing to do. And she did it. We really liked when she talked about what it was like living in a tiny house and how that impacted her healing. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on youtube look for damaged parents We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then