S2E66: Shanenn Bryant - How ACOA Helped Me Heal

Shanenn Bryant is a certified life coach and host of the Top Self podcast to support other ACOA’s and those healing from life challenges who are ready to move from the past and create the life they deserve.

Social media and contact information: Sbryant@yourtopself.com
https://www.instagram.com/yourtopself
https://www.facebook.com/yourtopself/
www.yourtopself.com

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were defined by the past adulting healing people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way.

[00:00:19] I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

[00:00:43] Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is you. You who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole you who stares directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover your purpose.

[00:01:12] You are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.

[00:01:37] Today, we're going to talk with Shanenn Bryant. She has many roles in her life, mother stepmother, adult, child of an alcoholic top self-coach and more. We'll talk about how she grew up in a home with an alcoholic father didn't even realize she was behaving dysfunctionally and how she found health and healing let's talk

[00:01:59] Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Shannen Bryant with us. She is a certified life coach and host of the Top Self Podcast to support other ACO. We're going to talk about what that means. And those healing from life-changing challenges who are ready to move forward from the past and create the life they deserve.

[00:02:28] You can find Shannen at https://yourtopself.com and all her social media tags. Right now are @yourtopself. Welcome to the show. Shannen.

[00:02:40] Shannen Bryant: Thank you for having me. It's a hard to go. Most people accidentally say your top shelf and it's self cause it's easy to do so. Yeah.

[00:02:52] Damaged Parents: Well, I'm glad I didn't do that. I'm done. I tripped over other words, which we're going to cut out because we are not live,

[00:03:00] Shannen Bryant: Yeah,

[00:03:01] Damaged Parents: but I might keep this part in here because it's funny. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see what we come up with at the end.

[00:03:08] Shannen Bryant: yeah.

[00:03:08] Damaged Parents: And we're just going to be surprised. So I know what ACOA means, but can you explain what it means and why it's.

[00:03:16] Shannen Bryant: So ACOA or ACA. So some people say ACA, that was really, the start and then it went to ACOA some people call it, but it's.

[00:03:27] an adult children of alcoholics. So for those who grew up with a family member who was an alcoholic, or it could have been a grandparent, that was an alcoholic. , and so it's very, it's similar to a where, the actual alcoholic would go to meetings and they have.

[00:03:47] There, 12 step program. This ACOA is for someone, who was not the alcoholic themselves. They can be, but generally it's, my parent or grandparent or someone in my family was, and it affected them.

[00:04:01] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I think that's interesting that you point out a grandparent because you know, I'm thinking a lot of people, maybe their nuclear family, not including the grandparent of course, cause that's not the nuclear family. I'm such a nerd. that. While the alcoholism might not exist in the family.

[00:04:20] Maybe some of those behaviors do and continue to get passed on, unawares.

[00:04:26] Shannen Bryant: Yes. I mean, right. The not only is the alcoholism, generational, but those behaviors and, and the behavior characteristics are also generational. So yeah, your parent could be one that is not drinking, but your grandparent did. And you've got you've, you're taking some of that with you and, and past.

[00:04:47] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I think too though, it's funny because I don't think there's a lot of talk about, oh yeah. Your grandpa was an alcoholic. Unless it's like someone who's really trying to distance themselves from it. So many times I'm thinking we don't even know what is in our past, uh, our family's past and what has been passed down.

[00:05:11] So. if we don't know, are there behaviors? Well, what do we look for?

[00:05:19] Shannen Bryant: Yeah.

[00:05:19] I think that most people probably have an idea if there was a grandparent, certainly their parents that maybe had some issues with alcoholism, but it also can be. At, like, if you're in a dysfunctional family, so it doesn't even necessarily have to be alcoholism, although that's where it came from. and then they said, you know what? These also apply to someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family. So I, when I really started to try to figure out what was going on with me and why the same things kept showing up in my life. Yeah. Really causing me struggles. I started to go to a therapist and I went to a few at, you know, a few over the time period.

[00:06:06] And one of them gave me the laundry list and that was the first time I was ever exposed to it. And it was just this huge moment of like, a light bulb moment, like oh my God. I didn't even know there were things like this. Like I just know how I am, but I didn't realize that this is actually behavior characteristic that I have that other people in my situation have.

[00:06:34] So I highly recommend, you know, if, if there's something that. Feels like in your life, it's harder than it should be, or you keep having that one thing show up over and over and over again. I would say, you know, maybe look in to that a bit. certainly look at the laundry list for those kind of behavior characteristics and see if.

[00:07:00] Sounds familiar to you resonates with you. because that it could be, you know, it could be from having someone who is an alcoholic in your family.

[00:07:12] Damaged Parents: and , like we were just talking about, we made. Be consciously aware or it may not be talked about, or we may be very consciously aware and we may know exactly what's going on and think we're far enough away, right. That it's not going to impact us.

[00:07:30] Shannen Bryant: Right. Yes.

[00:07:32] Damaged Parents: were you surprised I'm thinking you, I mean, I think it was what your, one of your family members that was an alcoholic.

[00:07:42] Shannen Bryant: Yeah, it was my dad. So, you know, my, environment growing up was violent, very chaotic. You know, it was always, you didn't know what was going to happen from one day, the next. Being a child growing up in that environment. I mean, it's really hard to focus on multiplication and division when there's these huge things that are happening every night when you go home.

[00:08:07] And, you know, I was either spending my school day thinking about what happened the night before, or being worried about what could potentially happen tonight. And so. You know, growing up, you don't learn some of the things that you should have learned at school. Cause there's no way that you can focus in and really be a child and learn when you have a lot of that going on.

[00:08:33] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So I'm thinking not only are you missing out at school, but even like that emotional intelligence that we're supposed to get from our families. Cause it's certainly not taught in school. Like. I mean, so you weren't, you were behind on a few things, not just school, not just academic. I think sometimes it's like, it's really easy for us to look at the academic and it's a lot harder to remember.

[00:08:57] Oh yeah. Not every family has the emotional intelligence that we just assume everyone has.

[00:09:05] Shannen Bryant: Yeah. And I mean, even normal. Things that children get to do growing up. Like, I didn't have a lot of sleepovers or have people to, you know, sleep over at our house and I didn't sleep over a lot at other people's I did here and there, but, I was always too afraid to have someone spend the night at my house.

[00:09:23] Cause I didn't know what was going to happen. And I didn't want to be embarrassed by. And I didn't want to stay somewhere else with my friends and have a sleep over because I was worried about what was going to happen at home. So there are so many different areas that, uh, that it affects you as a child that then later you're trying to unravel it all and figure out like, oh, is this because of that?

[00:09:50] Or is this just my personality? It's usually, you know, those things are coming from somewhere. I didn't talk to my dad. my parents divorced when I was 12 and he was going through Italianess. This many days since I've drank and now it's been a month and now it's been three months and it was one weekend where he picked up me and my younger brother came to pick us up and he had a beer in his lap, you know, after all of this time.

[00:10:20] So I said, you know what, that's it. I don't want to have anything else to do with you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you as long as you're still drinking. And I didn't speak to him again until I was 25.

[00:10:32] even though he spoke to both of my brothers, I have a brother that's six years older and one that's six years younger.

[00:10:38] , and I thought I was fine without him in my life. And you know, I'm over, I don't need a dad at this point. You know, when I was in my twenties and he contacted me. I thought, I, I don't, I don't need this relationship. I've already done all of the things that I needed to have and it's not affecting me at all, but it definitely was affecting me, you know?

[00:11:00] So that's, that's what we trick ourselves into going. I'm fine. And then you kind of see the laundry list and you go, oh, okay. Yeah. I have, you know, 12 of the 14 or 13 other 14 things on here.

[00:11:14] Damaged Parents: Um, now, and it's not the laundry list you have with you today. It's something else, right?

[00:11:19] Shannen Bryant: It's very similar to the laundry list. It's just kind of a recreated version of it. but yeah, I mean, it's, very similar to what's on the laundry

[00:11:28] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I mean, and so you're going to counseling you're in the therapist office, they hand you as a laundry list and it sounded like it was relief, but also was it like, oh, I mean, and there were all these other people now, because of course a group has this laundry list that you totally relate to.

[00:11:47] Right. Was that a humbling experience?

[00:11:50] Shannen Bryant: it was, I mean, it, it was definitely relief and just a, I felt like. It was a whole new world that opened up to me because I just never knew that that existed. And then there was a little bit of panic of, oh my gosh, I really have some work to do, but it was exciting because I felt like, okay, since there's a name for it or a thing for it, and people know that this exists, then there's a solution for it.

[00:12:24] Damaged Parents: Hmm.

[00:12:25] Shannen Bryant: the piece where. I got excited about it. I wanted to really dig in because, okay, I don't have to be this way for the rest of my life and I don't have to suffer through these things. There are solutions for these things and ways that I can heal and get better and increase my emotional intelligence and all of those things.

[00:12:47] So, uh, it was, it was exciting and, uh, and a little scary all at the same time.

[00:12:54] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So would you mind going down this list so that our listeners will know what we're talking about?

[00:13:01] Shannen Bryant: Yep. So one of the things is the feelings of low self-esteem and you know, that we judge ourselves very harshly and as a life coach, now, that is one of the things that I focus on because. Uh, it took me so many years before I was able to get that confidence in myself and understand my feelings of self-worth and, you know, instead of having those low feelings of self-worth self-worth now I know it.

[00:13:32] and so I wanted to then help other people. So that they don't wait as long as I did, and they can start having, you know, a change in their life much sooner. So that's one, we tend to get nervous or an easy around authority figures. So for me, I can do be doing nothing wrong, whatsoever. I mean, other than speeding, but if I'm pulled over by the police, I mean, it's a really, it was a really nervous feeling for me, even though I, you know, okay.

[00:14:05] I was speeding or just turn signal, that kind of thing, but just, even supervisors at work or in a boardroom, all of those things, you always, I had just a real uneasiness or nervousness around people of.

[00:14:20] Damaged Parents: So it would maybe be like an intensified more than might be necessary. Okay. I was speeding, but I mean, you're talking about, like, I think the feeling you're talking about is this, it becomes even more. And what else am I going to get in trouble for? I was only speeding type thing.

[00:14:40] Shannen Bryant: Yeah. Just being like, oh my gosh, I did something wrong. I screwed up, I did something wrong and now this person is, gonna rapper me into me or I'm in trouble

[00:14:52] Damaged Parents: Mm

[00:14:54] Shannen Bryant: Intimidated, of course, by angry people or criticism. That's really hard for adult children of alcoholics. And we take that criticism very hard and we are really hard on ourselves as I mentioned.

[00:15:06] So then when you have somebody from the outside, that's also giving you criticism, it's just it's intensified. So Yeah.

[00:15:16] We're either kind of on one end of the spectrum or the other, we're really, we're either really responsible. Or we're really irresponsible is typically the two and you can even kind of go back and forth.

[00:15:33] So, because you're hurting because you're healing because you don't know why you're the way that you are. And all of the things that you dealt with, you may make some decisions, especially in your younger years. Being very, you know, that are really irresponsible decisions. And then you can be Uber over hyper.

[00:15:55] I'm nervous that you're going to make a mistake and be very responsible, , which is kind of where I fall in, which is why I'm nervous if I get pulled over for speeding, or if I feel like someone's upset with me, you know, all of those things were things that I dealt with.

[00:16:11] Damaged Parents: Mm.

[00:16:13] Shannen Bryant: Um, sometimes we have difficulty following through, on projects.

[00:16:17] So we may have a great idea or what I start something, but then I'm typically not finish it to that some, a piece on the laundry list. but yeah, there are kind of 14 different ones and it's just amazing to see the things on there when you can relate to them and to finally realize. Okay, that is me. And I can relate to that.

[00:16:41] Damaged Parents: so now you had this list and you've relayed. I don't it. Wasn't just having the list. Didn't make it better. Right? Like you still had to go through this process. Now you said it kind of came from AA. So are you guys using the 12 steps also?

[00:17:00] Shannen Bryant: Well, not in AA, so I did not do, um, we did, I did. Alanon when I was young, which is, you know, when you're a child and your parent is an alcoholic, my mom took us to that. , but the ACA groups will often go through the laundry list and basically review the laundry list, study the laundry list, just like in an AA meeting.

[00:17:24] Damaged Parents: Okay. So it's using it's, it's similar but different, right? Because there are different things to work on. And you said you also had gone to Alanon. What would you say is the biggest difference between using Alanon or going to Elena versus ACOA or what was your experience?

[00:17:40] Shannen Bryant: Well, I don't really remember too much. Alanon I was probably, I don't know, 9, 10, 11, somewhere around there, but I know that they do kind of workshop exercises. , and I think it's just more. The younger kids, at least that, that was my experience?

[00:17:59] that I was in a group with young kids and they were doing some type of workshop, but I don't really remember too much what that was.

[00:18:08] And, you know, just, I think again, it was just a, such a chaotic time that there are a lot of things that you just black out.

[00:18:16] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. So how soon after you started getting these tools and things like that were, did you start noticing shifts and changes in your own life?

[00:18:27] Shannen Bryant: Yeah. you know, when I got this, I thought this is it. You know, I can't continue to go on this way. It's miserable. I'm so unhappy. I feel like I'm going to ruin another relationship because part of, for me, one of the. Behavioral characteristics that I had was extreme jealousy and relationships. So I was, , early on dating my husband and I just knew that I didn't, I wanted to make a change and, not have to go through that, in that relationship as well.

[00:19:03] So then it was just really digging in. , and I increased my self-awareness kind of researching different things. , there are a lot of different thinking tools that you can do. One of them that I think is really amazing is if you draw a horizontal line, just like on a piece of paper and. Starting from your earliest memory that you can think of and kind of just make a hash and then what that event was, and it can be good or bad event.

[00:19:31] It can be bigger, small, but anything that had an impact on your life. And you do that all the way from. Your earliest childhood memory to current day. And it's just amazing because then it's sorta like, now I can visualize it and I can see it versus everything. Just being in your head or in your heart where now it's on paper and I can start to connect the dots a little bit of, oh, this happened.

[00:20:02] And then right after that, this happened. And I can understand now why maybe I did some of the things that I did. So that's, you know, so there are a lot of different tools and tricks out there, tips out there that you can do.

[00:20:19] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Now did your relationship with your father? What happened with that after you started in ACOA?

[00:20:26] Shannen Bryant: Um, so. As I mentioned, you know, my dad called me once right around the time I was 25. I was pregnant with my son and I still just really didn't want to have anything to do with him. I just wasn't ready. And I absolutely encourage people. Like you have to be ready to face some of those things, even if it's working on yourself, you have to be ready to do that, and you have to have an open mind to do it.

[00:20:52] And I just wasn't ready at that time. And. No. My mom kept pushing me to have a relationship with my dad cause she felt like it was important. And the other thing I don't need it, , he wasn't there. When I needed someone to teach me how to drive. He wasn't there. When I started dating this, show me, you know, how I should be treated and cared for.

[00:21:14] He hasn't been there. I don't need it. I'm not affected by it. And then. After doing some of that sort of self discovery and self-awareness pieces, I realized I do need to talk with him, you know, I do. And initially I went into it very angry. I wanted him to apologize to me. Like I wanted an apology out of him and I wanted him to understand how much he messed up my life.

[00:21:41] Damaged Parents: Hm.

[00:21:42] Shannen Bryant: And of course I didn't get that, ,

[00:21:44] in the beginning. And so then I just had to decide, you know, am I going to, I have to accept the type of a relationship that I am going to have with him. And I think that opened the door for us to have some more conversations. So as long as I wasn't going into it with like, you know, kind of really badgering him about.

[00:22:06] How he was and all of the things that he did, we were able to have some conversations. And that is where, as you mentioned before, Understanding and, learning that his dad was an alcoholic. And when my parents married, they are super young. My mom was already pregnant. Like he's, you know, so now he has this brand new family at a very, you know, as a very young man.

[00:22:32] So then I just started to understand some of the things that even my dad was struggling with that may have led to him having that drinking problem. I always thought growing up that he didn't love me. Like if yes, I'm the one that said I didn't want to have anything to do with him, but then when he took it to heart and I didn't hear from him, I thought, well, if my own dad doesn't love me, why would anyone else?

[00:22:59] And I think that, you know, not, I think, but it certainly affected some of my relationships as well, because that was what I thought.

[00:23:06] Damaged Parents: Yeah, what that makes me think of is like then in relationships, if, that were my thought process, I would think of fear that this person really doesn't love me, which would bleed into the jealousy because of course they already don't love me because the story I'm telling myself is I'm not lovable.

[00:23:24] Shannen Bryant: that's exactly right. Yeah.

[00:23:26] Damaged Parents: painful.

[00:23:27] Shannen Bryant: Yeah. it was amazing to realize one, you have to figure out what story you're telling yourself. And that was what I was telling myself over and over and over that. Well, gosh, if my own dad doesn't love me, if my own dad doesn't even want anything to do with me, why would anyone else?

[00:23:45] but that, wasn't the story. My dad does love me. He has a disease. He has a problem. But that doesn't affect my worth. And if I am worthy of love and respect and to be in a good relationship and yes, you're right. That's where all of that jealousy came from. And that fear of abandonment too.

[00:24:06] Damaged Parents: Um, yeah, cause that would, that would be the next part. Right. Then if they do, they're going to abandon you at some point, so then you're looking for it, right?

[00:24:14] Shannen Bryant: yes. Oh yeah.

[00:24:16] Damaged Parents: Oh man. So. How did you even have relationships like that?

[00:24:22] Shannen Bryant: It was tough. I mean, you know, some of them that's the other piece of it is not really being able to trust your own decision-making, , especially, you know, growing up in an environment like. A lot of times you're told Like,

[00:24:38] oh, everything's okay. It's fine. It's going to be okay. It's fine. When you know, like this isn't fine or this doesn't feel good.

[00:24:46] So then you lose that ability. To trust your own decisions And your own gut of this feels right. This feels wrong. So I think I certainly was in relationships with people that didn't treat me the way that I deserve to be treated. And, , I had, , probably reason to be concerned in jealous. But I certainly had relationships that I didn't have that reason.

[00:25:11] , especially with my husband, you know, in the beginning I could tell, I always say I'm the coolest girlfriend for like the first 90 days until I start to really care for you or however long, you know, whenever I started to have feelings and then that jealousy is going to kick in

[00:25:26] Damaged Parents: And you, you told him that.

[00:25:29] Shannen Bryant: No, no.

[00:25:30] Now I do, but no, I wasn't going to give it away in the beginning. No. Um, but he definitely, it's very hard to hide, especially the intense jealousy that I'm talking about. that.

[00:25:43] a lot of people have, , when they've grown up this.

[00:25:48] Damaged Parents: Yeah. how long after doing this work and things like that, did you start to notice that shifting and, you know, not coming from that perspective as often?

[00:26:02] Shannen Bryant: for me, I. Was a huge baby stepper. Like I would do one little thing And then I'd have to kind of, okay, let me figure this out. So I would say from the time probably that I was given the laundry list and going through therapy, it might've been eight years really before I felt like I, okay, I'm good. I've conquered this for the most part and, You know, it's not creeping up at me all the time. So it was a long process.

[00:26:36] Damaged Parents: yeah. And I'm thinking that those tools that you gained are just told, like, so when things that things don't stop coming up, just because you've figured this out, right.

[00:26:45] Shannen Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're certainly going to have those things that pop up the awesome thing is, but now I have a way that I manage my feelings. I manage my emotions and just being able to go, okay. What is real, what isn't real, you know, just because that's your feeling. It doesn't mean that that's reality or just because that's your emotion that doesn't make it true. So, having just that mindset and those tools to be able to sort that out, it's much less painful

[00:27:20] when those things come up.

[00:27:22] Damaged Parents: yeah. And I'm thinking too, that trusting yourself started to happen somewhere along the way, too. and , it wasn't just the gut feeling, but now you also had these tools kind of to check your gut, maybe.

[00:27:36] Shannen Bryant: Oh, yeah. That, And that's where you start to gain confidence because now things are making sense. I understand. And I'm working on it. And now I'm, having my own opinion that I can feel strong about and stand behind. And I think that's, , gaining that confidence. That's the other piece of it, for sure.

[00:27:58] Damaged Parents: And being able to have that confidence with yourself seems like it would be super important.

[00:28:04] Shannen Bryant: Yeah. Absolutely.

[00:28:06] Damaged Parents: and that trust. I love that, that you've talked about trust and competence and finding that balance. It's beautiful. What would you say if someone, I mean, do I want to ask that question yet? I'm not sure.

[00:28:19] Hang on. Okay. So I'm thinking that even as a coach, that not everyone that comes to you has alcoholism and they're in their family background, but they do have that maybe, maybe there's some of that dysfunction in perhaps part of what. I'm hearing is that these tools are the same, whether it's dysfunction or whether it's alcoholism it's there.

[00:28:45] They're just the same.

[00:28:47] Shannen Bryant: Absolutely. And. It can be somebody that doesn't have either. And they're just looking to catapult their career, you know, advance in their career because anytime you incorporate that, self-awareness that growth mindset. Any of those things it's going to help in your personal life. And your professional life.

[00:29:09] It just does. And so the strategy may be a little bit different, certainly. And someone who has a background, you know, if they're an ACA or they came from a dysfunctional family, they may also have to incorporate some therapy in there just depending on , where they are at the time. But yes, I mean, all of these things are just building blocks to it.

[00:29:34] And so. It kind of doesn't matter where you are? It's just how the is going to be, I guess,

[00:29:41] Damaged Parents: Okay. You use the term growth mindset and a thought came into my mind and I'm like, huh. You know, once they start incorporating these things and one of them being the growth mindset, and I thought, gee, I wonder once someone has these tools and they get what they want sometimes do they drop the tools and they're like, I'm good.

[00:29:59] I'm done.

[00:30:00] Shannen Bryant: never.

[00:30:01] Damaged Parents: Never. Once they've got them, they keep.

[00:30:04] Shannen Bryant: Yeah, I think that's the amazing thing that I've experienced. And even, you know, myself where it's almost this, why I want to know more, I want to learn more. I want to, it's just something that you kind of continue after, because I don't know that there's any time where you go, you know what? I'm totally good.

[00:30:28] I don't need to. I mean, there might be people that say I'm actually very, my husband's that way. He's like, I'm content. I'm good. , but I think most people who are struggling with that and they hear some of these things and they start to learn about themselves, then it just opens up this whole door and flood gates for them.

[00:30:48] And they typically keep going. And in my experience with myself, that's, I've done that as well.

[00:30:54] Damaged Parents: So is it, I think kind of also what I'm hearing when with the keep going with personal growth and things like growth, not gross.

[00:31:02] Shannen Bryant: It can be, it can be gross.

[00:31:09] Damaged Parents: Um, With it, you're generating kind of a beginner's mind all the time. Like really going at life from a beginner's perspective. , not in like learning it all over again, but being willing to learn new things from that personal growth. Is that, has that been your experience?

[00:31:31] Shannen Bryant: Yeah.

[00:31:31] And you know, it's funny with top self that's, even the tagline is never stop learning. It's something that my grandfather told me when I was growing up. He always said that he was always reading books. He was going to classes even in his old, you know, when he was older. And I just think it's important and it can be really about anything.

[00:31:51] So you don't have to spend. All of your time, just trying to figure out your mind and how everything's working and you know, what do I need to work on? But it can be anything that's new because once you learn something it's just going to. To make your life better to improve your life more. And it just opens the doors for, well, what else?

[00:32:18] I mean, just a weird small example. , when I was starting my business and I had to do my website. It was really tough in the beginning because I didn't know how to do it. And it took much longer because of that learning curve. And it was, it was a struggle. Now it's easy peasy. And I can't look at a website anyone's website the same, cause I'm like, oh, they put their space or their, and that's what they did there.

[00:32:44] And, but it just changes your life. Oh, always after that. And so it doesn't even have to be that I'm constantly spinning time working on myself. It could just be learning about something new

[00:32:57] Damaged Parents: Yeah, so it sounds like maybe it made it easier to learn because it was part of a growth, like yes, it was awkward. Yes. It was hard. And because you had the belief of, well, I'm growing from this, maybe that made it more enjoyable.

[00:33:12] Shannen Bryant: Yeah.

[00:33:12] I think we always have to go into that because that's, what's going to stop us when we get to that uncomfortable. I mean, as adults we just want to do, what's easy. Like we just want to, you know what I mean? We just want things to be easy for. Most of the time. So when you are trying to learn something new or do something that you've never done before, and you start to feel uncomfortable, that's when you're going to want to give it up.

[00:33:37] so like, if you try, if you picked up a guitar today and try to learn how to play the guitar, it's going to be tough. And much harder than if you were 10 and you pick up a guitar and try to learn it. And so we often will, that's kind of that turning point of when we give up, but if you just keep going and it's usually like, I just need to keep going just a little bit more and then you have kind of that breakthrough and like, oh, okay.

[00:34:01] Everything's starting to connect and now it makes sense. And now it becomes easier.

[00:34:07] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I just had this thought, is it really harder? Or do I just not like it as much

[00:34:13] Shannen Bryant: No, it really

[00:34:13] Damaged Parents: learning,

[00:34:15] Shannen Bryant: No, it really is harder. We have less of that um, plasticity

[00:34:19] Damaged Parents: um,

[00:34:20] Shannen Bryant: in our brains. And so,

[00:34:21] then we do when we're a child. So it truly, I mean, it it's harder, but you're right now, we're also in our patterns of. Do I really need to learn about, you know,

[00:34:36] Damaged Parents: XYZ.

[00:34:37] Shannen Bryant: yes. This thing, because it's not really affecting my life.

[00:34:40] So do I really need to know about it,

[00:34:43] but Yeah,

[00:34:44] Damaged Parents: I think that's, I find humor in myself in things like that. Right. Like, but if I can go, maybe it's not harder. Maybe it's just my perception then maybe it'll be easier.

[00:34:55] Shannen Bryant: yeah,

[00:34:56] Damaged Parents: But those are some of the games I play with myself.

[00:34:59] Shannen Bryant: no. Yeah. Whatever works, whatever works.

[00:35:04] Damaged Parents: Those were laughing about it. Okay. So somebody, uh, let's see, where do we want to put this? I don't know somebody has at this, maybe this thought of maybe their family was dysfunctional. Maybe they didn't know. Maybe there was alcoholism. Maybe they didn't know, you know, what would be like your top three things.

[00:35:23] Maybe think about this. Here are some things that maybe just look at this.

[00:35:29] Shannen Bryant: Yeah. I think the exercise that I mentioned earlier of going through and just really writing down. Whatever it is that you're feeling, whatever those things are that you feel like really stand out in your mind. And again, it can be positive and negative, and I do encourage it because the one thing that's good about writing positive and negative is you're going to gain some insight from the negatives and see like, oh yeah, I keep telling myself this, or this is what I actually think.

[00:36:02] Or this is something that really. That was a turning point in my life, but then you can also see the good things and that you had, and maybe some of those strengths that you have that then can help you with working on some of the other harder things that you have to overcome. So I think mostly what we, what I see is keeping it in your head and you're just having those constant thoughts over and over and over and over and over again.

[00:36:33] And never really getting it out on paper, looking at it, being able to see it. Um, another one is mindfulness meditation, where, and I like this one as well, because. you're just in, you know, it can just be anywhere. If you have 10 or 15 minutes to just be able to be in a quiet space and a calm space, focus on your breathing, those things, your mind is going to start to wander.

[00:36:59] And those things are going to pop up as soon as they do, you know, shoo them away, go back to focusing on your breath. But what you'll notice that'll happen after you're doing that for a few times is now you can see those things. As images. So it's almost like the other, the horizontal paper exercise, but it's a little bit different because same thing though, I'm putting them now into images and it helps you to detach from it a little bit to be able to look at it.

[00:37:27] But if it's all up in here in your head, it makes it harder to even see what's going on.

[00:37:34] Damaged Parents: Yeah, it's a different process, I would think. And. Much much harder.

[00:37:41] Shannen Bryant: Yes.

[00:37:42] Damaged Parents: there's a reason we say, say it or write it, you know, like there's gotta be, there is something to it that we don't quite understand yet.

[00:37:51] Shannen Bryant: Yeah.

[00:37:51] I think that's, you know, that's why journaling. So recommended and popular because it is, it's getting those thoughts out on paper and then to be able to go back and look at that later when you're in a different place. So I would say, you know, some people say, well, never looked back. I look back all of the time because that's how I can see how far I've come. No, I'm always looking back to go, oh, that's awesome. You know, I remember. Five years ago when I was like this, or I was thinking this, or I didn't have that yet quite figured out compared to now. So having something that you can look back on and, and celebrate your growth.

[00:38:31] Damaged Parents: Yeah, which is totally beautiful. Shannen Bryant, thank you so much for coming on the show. You can listen to her podcast, Top Self, and you can find her at the website, your top self.com and on Facebook and Instagram. Your top self is her tag. Thank you again for being on the show.

[00:38:50] Shannen Bryant: Thank you so much. I appreciate that.

[00:38:52] Damaged Parents: Oh, it's been so fun.

[00:38:54] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We Really enjoyed talking to Shannon about how she was able to recognize. The behaviors from the laundry list from.

[00:39:07] Adult children of alcoholics. We especially liked when she spoke about the possibility for healing once you do recognize it. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on YouTube. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.