S2E61: How do You Define Sober?

Alexandra Hoover is a Los Angeles based actress. 

Her biggest breakthroughs in life seem to come from learning how to calm her nervous self down and move through the next fear. 

A stage actress for many years, Alex broke into TV and commercials later in life. At least for the industry’s standards.

She has a blog call Define Sober, a podcast called The Weighting. 

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were weighted down, sober fun people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.

[00:00:36] In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?

[00:00:58] My hero is you. You who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. You who stares directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover your purpose, you are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them.

[00:01:21] Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Alexandra Hoover. She is a Los Angeles based actress. She's been a stage actress for many years. She broke into TV and commercials later in life. At least for the industry standards. She has a blog called define sober in a podcast.

[00:01:42] The Weighting like quite literally the weighting on the scale. That's how I feel when I get on the scale in the morning and I'm just waiting for the number to stop. So biggest breakthroughs in life seem to come from learning how to calm her nerves down and move through the next fear.

[00:01:58] Alexandra, welcome to the show.

[00:02:01] Alexandra Hoover: Thank you. I'm excited to be here.

[00:02:03] Damaged Parents: Okay. So I have to know, because I hadn't really put that together before I started going over the bio that like quite literally, is that where you pulled the weighting name from is like, you're just waiting for the

[00:02:18] weight to slow down.

[00:02:19] Alexandra Hoover: Well, it's partially that because when I was I think in my, like right after high school, or like going into the next transition of life, I gained, like it was between 45 and 50 pounds. And my memory is a little foggy, but I'd always been sort of, I didn't really worry about that. And then we moved to Los Angeles and then everybody was on a diet.

[00:02:40] And I said, what's that? So I started dieting and I gained about 45, 45 pounds. I mean, it's not, it's only funny now because I've gone through it.

[00:02:49] Damaged Parents: hold on the diet. You've gained.

[00:02:51] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah. Because it's my belief. And that's what the waiting, it means, the weight that you have that you don't feel as yours, like whatever is weighting you down in life. And also that could mean that you have physical weight. That is really not your natural. You know, if it is or not, it's not about body shaming or anything like that, but you know, what's extra on you.

[00:03:13] I don't know a woman that, that does it. But yeah. It's did I answer your question as far as the weight? Yeah. So the diet, okay. The diets. Yeah. I went on a diet. I was laying out in the sun with my friend and I just moved, and I was 16 , I moved from Michigan, which is like, and then to Los Angeles.

[00:03:31] So it was a huge, well was great as a kid. I'm like, I'm in Los Angeles, like city of dreams, I'm at high school, I went on an outing with a friend. We were laying out, she looked at my thighs. How do you keep your thighs? You don't have any saddlebags. And I was like 16 going what our saddlebags, what, how does she know what saddlebags are at 16?

[00:03:52] Like now when I look back on it, and I said, okay, oh, I don't know. And then I found out that in Los Angeles, most teenagers, my age and in my class went into high school. There we're on what you call a diet. And I went on a diet and I'm like I'll count calories. Because I was resisting eating to my natural rhythms and following this outside source, I gained weight.

[00:04:14] I did not, it was not successful. It was probably the beginning of lots of disorders, so to me the resistance to the regimen, you are going to resist in my mind. And when you do. That results in coping mechanisms. And so for me, that was eating binge eating and I gained weight.

[00:04:33] Damaged Parents: Okay. So you would, you were on this diet, but then you would have been binge eat and then so it really turned out to be hurtful, but you also weren't eating How you

[00:04:43] Alexandra Hoover: How would I want it? Yeah, I mean, before, I just didn't even think of food as good and bad no, it was just, what am I craving? You know? And when you're a kid you're, outside playing a lot. And so it could have to do with activity, but I think mostly it had to do with wanting to fit in with the LA culture.

[00:04:59] So I just thought that was the thing to do, but yeah, binge eating would happen between right between the diet. So I would try. The meditation diet, the what, what were they? There was like smooths and powder. I don't know how old you are. I have a feeling I'm a little bit older, but, uh, she, she was just like, just eat carbs.

[00:05:16] And this was like in the eighties when we had like 20 minute workout and things like that. So I just kept going on different diets, cause I'm like, well, diets are good diets help you look better. And,

[00:05:26] Damaged Parents: And, this is at the same time. It sounds like if I recall correctly that they're really digging into fat is bad for us.

[00:05:35] Alexandra Hoover: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, that was, it was

[00:05:38] Damaged Parents: and it tasted so fricking good.

[00:05:40] Alexandra Hoover: It tastes it. And you're like, how can this be wrong? My body is like reaching for this like natural sort of boost, which now I eat all the time. It's no, it's not a problem. But yeah, the binges was always like the after you're on a regimen and your life and your body and your mind are thinking.

[00:05:56] I can't be on this forever or I need a break. This is work. And then I would binge, and then I would kind of enjoy like, well, I'm just going to eat like these two cakes. And then tomorrow we start at zero there's something about starting at a zero that people like, but it doesn't relate. Your body doesn't care.

[00:06:13] Your body's like, but you could have just started the next hour.

[00:06:16] Damaged Parents: That's a, That's a really great point. You bring up on so many different levels and not just with food. I think sometimes like when we're watching. At least for me when I'm wanting to create a new habit that I forget, oh wait, yes I did that and I didn't want to do that. And I can just start over Right.

[00:06:36] now instead of waiting till tomorrow, which inevitably turns into the next day.

[00:06:42] And the next day, sometimes for me.

[00:06:44] Alexandra Hoover: Is that still happening? Yeah, no, I figured that's the pattern and I don't know. To me, it seems like it's, like you said, with anything, I mean, I was on benzos for awhile for sleep, and I tapered off that and I was after the eating thing, it was over drinking. So it just wear different hats, whatever this F you to, whatever I was doing, whatever regimen I was doing to life, whatever F you, it was became sort of a compulsion.

[00:07:11] Where I took back, like what I thought was my power. But in the end that doesn't really work. It just alleviates pain for a little bit,

[00:07:18] Damaged Parents: right. So even though it was this in a way declaring no, I'm my own independent person. And I don't need that. It wasn't helpful.

[00:07:30] Alexandra Hoover: Exactly. And that's, I think the, I guess you'd call it a paradigm or not a para paradox. Sorry. Sorry. People paradox. So that's why I think the extreme black and white view of, you did it right. You did it wrong. It's a hundred percent. Negative a hundred percent, it's the gray area where I have found my peace in anything, I know I will probably.

[00:07:53] Oh, over-drink again in my life. I will probably overeat again. I will probably be over a lot of things, but it's softened so much. And this space between has gotten elongated, but I'm so sorry to address what you just said about rebelling. I do think some of these addictions or compulsion's or disorders or whatever you want to call them are a way to assert ourselves.

[00:08:18] And we just don't have the voice to do it. We don't have the chutzpah to do it, vocally or standing in our own skin and taking action. So we fight back in an easier way, which is like filling ourselves up with something. So I don't, I think it should be taken seriously. And I look at. In a compassionate way, like, okay, I'm not doing this because I came out of the womb going, I'm going to, you know, become a heroin addict or I that's my dream.

[00:08:46] It's yeah, like you, that's a really good point. It's a dualistic sort of view of it. And knowing that there are two sides to it. It's not just all good. All bad. I mean, that's such an archaic view. I think.

[00:08:56] Damaged Parents: Yeah,

[00:08:56] it's got it. There's a spectrum, for some people, maybe the addiction and an alcoholic addiction might be one beer a night in for someone else it's getting plastered every night. Right? Like, and that in acknowledging That just because it was one way for one person, maybe it's not the same for the other person,

[00:09:18] Alexandra Hoover: I think. That is a huge for also those communities, the people, because there's a danger of disenfranchising, some members of like addiction communities, because like you said, not everyone manifest their problem or issue or a coping mechanism in the same way. And with some people, maybe someone died in our family and for two years they were a binge drinker or binge eater

[00:09:44] but it's not forever. It's situational. Some people are situational. And then, so it's like you said, it's a whole spectrum.

[00:09:53] Damaged Parents: Now an interesting question. At least I think it's interesting because I heard you say something about, I might binge eat again. I might drink the way I did again. And so I'm thinking is part of that. But I don't know if I want to call it recovery but I'm just, I'm going to use that word is part of the recovery in some sense, knowing that you're willing to fail again, if you need to.

[00:10:18] Alexandra Hoover: Yes. absolutely. That is the, well, actually one of the main things that set me free, I wish I could say here are the five things that set me free, but now I'm collecting the list. Now that you mentioned that one, but yeah, the acceptance and the willingness to fail. Opened so many doors for me.

[00:10:39] You could call it like taking messy action or like the idea let's say in some circles, right. That you're on this diet or restriction plan or whatever bettering plan. And it's like, say it's a 60 day program and you're supposed to show up every day and do it correctly every day. And then you get some sort of kudos, If you stop on day 14 and you slip any program in my mind that tells you then you lost those 14 days is not helpful because you still learned you still experienced life doing that.

[00:11:14] You pick up right where you left off.

[00:11:16] I don't like the idea of starting over from my brain. Because I immediately just want to create and destruct and create and destruct. I'm sure I could see a therapist explain why, but to me it doesn't really matter right now because it's just, I know how I work and I know how to trick myself into

[00:11:33] following.

[00:11:33] Damaged Parents: So it's almost like you had to learn who you were. I love that you said I had to trick myself into, to learning how to, it's almost like learning how to deal with yourself by, and knowing those parts of you. That is actually helpful because you can say, okay, I tend to do this. So I'm going to do this to kind of alleviate myself from doing that.

[00:11:56] Alexandra Hoover: Yes. And you kind of get to know these parts, right? Oh, this is my thing. Like I used to have a thing several years ago. I would, I don't want to say it was a Gora phobic, but from being heavy at one point and hating how I looked, I kind of, I wouldn't leave the house as much. And so it was at a very young age.

[00:12:15] I mean, this is like 20, 20 to 22. I would, I couldn't even like I would cross the street and I'd feel like everyone's looking at me now. Now I know that no, one's really that interested as much as I think they are. But I would feel the anxiety of. Like people looking at me. So I would stay to myself.

[00:12:34] And one of the things I made up in my head was I can't go to that event or function or whatever, because I just feel tired and it really wasn't true fatigue. It was anxiety, but masked in this like fatigue. And now I know the difference, like, especially because of COVID it's like, okay, you better be sure.

[00:12:57] So you know, now I know that's like one of my things, and then I have a little saboteur that comes in and I call her Sylvia. So like when. I know it's not like a 10 year old, but I guess I am. So when she comes in, I'm just like, hi Sylvia, thank you. You like, yeah, no, I think I will be going to this blah, blah, blah.

[00:13:14] But thank you for letting me know that we are scared and being so smart. So she's so smart and knows how to talk to me and convince me of things.

[00:13:22] Damaged Parents: Right. Like, so that, that part of you, that you call Sylvia is the one who's, is that part of you that's, gonna, I'm really tripping on my words here but that part of you, that's going to talk you out or tell you all the worst things and then I love how you thanked her though.

[00:13:41] Alexandra Hoover: Oh, yeah, because that's how she disappears, like in my mind, and I'm kind of grossed out, but I even named her like that, I'm saying this and people might be hearing it, but, but like at the same time, it just makes it more fun, like in a weird way, like to just say, oh, it's Sylvia. It's like this compartment, this person this entity would ever, that wants to keep me safe.

[00:14:03] And I know that, if I were to personify her, she's just like the smoke or that's like, You really want to do that because that's been done before. And if you post that I don't think anyone's, first of all, even going to look at it and if they do it's, just, you're not going to be able to handle, what comes back, whether that's just that you've failed or that you're out of touch or that you're old.

[00:14:25] So I would just actually not do it. Alex just don't do it at.

[00:14:29] Damaged Parents: And I love that you gave her a name because it's like, this is literally like the self-talk that's happening inside of you. Right.

[00:14:37] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah.

[00:14:37] Damaged Parents: So in a way, I'm wondering if giving it a name helps you distance yourself from it, from that negative self-talk so that you can kind of be an opposition to it. Well, that's not really who I want it to be, and that's not who I am.

[00:14:51] Therefore I'm thank you. And I'm still going to go,

[00:14:56] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah, it does. You're right. It creates enough distance that I don't blame myself. Like whatever my self with a capital S the, but, and also it's a wink. It's a wink at that side of myself. It's not that big of a deal. Everyone has. It's just fricking just Sylvia yeah.

[00:15:16] And then I can, like you said, I can oppose her, but also like praise her. Like, God, you are really smart. Like I would have, I wouldn't have thought of, try to trick me that way, but good for you.

[00:15:28] Damaged Parents: I think we all do it. Like all of us

[00:15:34] Alexandra Hoover: God, I hope so. I mean,

[00:15:35] Damaged Parents: man. Right. Okay. We're

[00:15:38] going to hope that.

[00:15:38] Alexandra Hoover: so. You know what I mean? Yeah,

[00:15:40] Damaged Parents: but in the, well, no, because I think otherwise it's, there's this very big sense of if I'm alone if not everyone else is doing it and most people I think do have ways of sabotaging themselves.

[00:15:53] And I think recognizing it, it's the hardest part, like, oh, that choice right there. It's not helpful.

[00:16:01] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah, and I think, I don't know how you recognize it, but for me when I'm in my chest and I feel like white hot heat or my blood is boiling a little bit, or I, there's a certain anxiousness that's in my body. That almost seems you know, it's like a manic kind of panicky thing. When that's there.

[00:16:23] I know like that is a reaction, right? So reaction is something that's going on, but more importantly, a reaction to all the other things like it that had gone on before this moment, so sometimes I'll be, doing like a temp job or work in a. I can attach the right document and they reprimand me.

[00:16:41] They're like, yeah, Alex, you didn't attach the right Excel scorecard or whatever. And I like, oh, and I felt like, oh my God, I'm so ashamed. Like, I'm fine. I'm oh my God. Like, this is terrible. And I like, seriously, my heart will start beating. And then I have to do bird's eye view and say, it's a document. Like this is not calm.

[00:16:59] You got to calm down, like let's just really look at this. So I feel like I've been on a tangent help. Bring me back.

[00:17:05] Damaged Parents: Well, no, I think we're talking about just how easy it is to beat. Ourselves up about what someone else sees and perceives as is what was wrong. And really, I think in that moment, what I was hearing is, or what came across my mind is what Brene Brown talks about, which is, shame versus guilt. I think, and shame is I am wrong versus, I made a mistake and.

[00:17:32] I think that it to me is what I'm hearing you describe is that sometimes in the, in those moments of just even little mistakes, all of a sudden it's, I am a mistake instead of, oh, I made, I just made a mistake. It doesn't make me wrong. It doesn't make me horrible. It's just a mistake. Like, and I also try to, for me, I try to think about it.

[00:17:56] Sometimes there's beautiful mistakes that had I not had they not been made. I would not be where I am right now, which is actually a really beautiful

[00:18:06] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah, and I mean, that's the path, right? It's circuitous. Does it, does anybody draw their life as a vertical ascent? It's all serpentine.

[00:18:15] Damaged Parents: It's a mess, but isn't that the truth though? Don't we think, or at least I think as we learn and especially going in American schools and things like that, or public schools that. There are even private schools really that there is only this upward trajectory that, and that is all that exists.

[00:18:34] And at least for me, at this point in life, I'm in agreement with you that it most clearly is not an upward ascent. There's no way

[00:18:43] Alexandra Hoover: I mean.

[00:18:44] Damaged Parents: like a ball of yarn thrown.

[00:18:46] Alexandra Hoover: true.

[00:18:47] You're like there's brambles. And what do you call it? Dust bunnies and all these things inside the yard. Yeah. It's just,

[00:18:53] it is. And people are more interesting for it. I'm sorry. But if you haven't been through much, if your life is a vertical ascent, like God bless, but probably not one of my friends.

[00:19:03] Damaged Parents: Right. Yeah. you know, I've been looking enough to know some of those people it, while it was not me where I just have to wonder if they're missing out on something or if they're just not telling me the whole story, like.

[00:19:16] Alexandra Hoover: the ladder or did they make, or people may not be aware that something is that ha is there's a background malaise and you kind of feel it, but you never investigate it because you're too busy or you're driven. Whatever, or you're very successful. I can definitely see that obscuring kind of some awareness there.

[00:19:36] But maybe I'm just jealous, right?

[00:19:39] Maybe, maybe they are enlightened beings.

[00:19:42] Damaged Parents: If you investigate then there's a good chance. You might have to do something about it.

[00:19:47] Alexandra Hoover:

[00:19:47] yeah. And whoever your little, whoever's protecting you, whatever your voice is or voices. And they're like, no, thank you. We don't really, we don't have time for that.

[00:19:56] Damaged Parents: Yeah. That's hard because I think that it, unfortunately in today's world, I don't think there's a lot of time for us to do that work unless we're lucky enough to either have a struggle difficult enough, or a disability or anything like that, where we get to do it. Like, I don't think a lot of people go purposefully looking for that growth that you're talking about.

[00:20:23] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah. I remember, well, I think it was Marianne Williamson. Like a long time ago. She said something. She was quoting someone else. I don't even know who she was quoting, but, she was talking about like the parable, the prodigal son, and like how he went away and left the family and went through something or any kind of hero's journey.

[00:20:44] Right. And comes back. After being absent better because of where he had to go, where he went down, that kind of thing. So he brings that back into the world. I guess you could also say it's like the Buddhist story too, but in essence, it's like, if you've been down there in any area then yeah. I mean, then you have to find a solution, right?

[00:21:04] You're like, I can't take, I can't take this anymore. Oh my God. Like something has to give. And yeah, for me, I had to kind of feel, not even kind of, I don't know what I'm saying. Kind of, I had to feel like this does it. Like, I can't, this doesn't work anymore, in order to people call that hitting bottom, whatever.

[00:21:25] I mean, I'd rather see it on a horizontal scale that I went too far one way, and then I'm coming back to zero. Rather than like on a vertical. But yeah, I mean then you don't say, okay, fine. I'll try something, I'll try this, I'll try this, I'll, you're more open and you say, you know what, if it doesn't work, whatever, because it's going to, I, at least I'm moving forward from where I am, which is, I don't think I can be any worse in my mind.

[00:21:50] There's different levels, but let's not great. Our problems, they're all at the same G.

[00:21:54] Damaged Parents: Right. And you like one problem for you may not be the same for me, but my problem for me is not going to be the same for you. Like maybe my problem for me, for you really isn't a problem and vice versa, Right.

[00:22:09] Alexandra Hoover: And isn't that a great, like then we can say, oh, this is how I do it. I don't know if it will help you

[00:22:15] Damaged Parents: right.

[00:22:15] Alexandra Hoover: with.

[00:22:16] Damaged Parents: So I'm just wondering, like, how did you get through the eating disorder or, I don't know if we want to call me than a disorder at this point but there was that real struggle. I mean, was that something that you were able to work on in your twenties?

[00:22:32] Alexandra Hoover: So I. tried a lot of things, just like we just talked about I mean, I won't go into them because they're all a story in themselves and nothing was working. And then I finally went to this eating coach when coaches weren't really a thing, this was in. I don't know, 1980 1988, 1989. And she taught me how to calm myself down before I ate through her program.

[00:22:57] And that is the method that I've used. And it's basically in a nutshell, And the, and this is kind of what I talk about on the waiting and how I, when I help other people, this is sort of the program that, that I helped them with. If it's a fit is eating, I eat when I'm hungry. I stop. When I'm satiated, I eat without distractions whenever possible.

[00:23:19] I wait until I'm hungry again. If I mess up, that's the rule. Oh, that meal or that snack didn't go as planned and you ate too much and you could feel it in your body. You're going to feel it in your body for a while, because it's a physical reaction to overeating, and if you're uncomfortable it will pass.

[00:23:38] Wait until you're hungry again and eat what you want. So there's a lot of specifics obviously, and, but that is, what's worked for me. I lost all that weight and then I kept it off and I'm in my fifties now.

[00:23:50] Damaged Parents: Was figuring out what satiated felt like was that difficult at that point?

[00:23:55] Alexandra Hoover: Yes. I mean, it was difficult. Go ahead. What were you gonna say?

[00:23:59] Damaged Parents: I was just going to ask, how did you figure out then when you were

[00:24:02] satiated?

[00:24:03] Alexandra Hoover: So what I would do and what I recommend is. In a perfect environment, you would sit down with the food of your choice unless you have restrictions. Okay. And you're, let's say I'm eating this cinnamon roll. Okay. So I'm eating it and I don't know how many bites I will have because my body is trying to release weight.

[00:24:25] So I'm starting when I'm hungry. Yes. I'm hungry. Check and I'm eating a cinnamon roll. And then all of a sudden there's like a little tap in my system. That's like, you could stop. But like you could stop here. The food is starting to taste different and you're kind of at a neutral, like a zero, like in your body.

[00:24:42] You're not hungry. You're just like fueled up and then I would practice leaving. I would just get the hell away from the food. Like I would like, okay, you can eat it in 20 minutes if you're hungry, but like, I get the hell away from it. I would change location, change, location, change location, and then set a timer for 20 minutes.

[00:25:00] And if in 20 minutes I still wanted that food. I could eat it, but most of the time I was like, oh, I'm not hungry.

[00:25:06] Damaged Parents: Okay. So.

[00:25:07] it was kind of became a way to retrain your body So that you could tell what it was. you could figure out what your body was telling you.

[00:25:14] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah.

[00:25:14] So I got back to that natural instinct of when you were a kid, you weren't like, when you were playing outside and then you got in for dinner or whatever, you weren't like thinking about food while you were playing.

[00:25:24] Damaged Parents: Oh my gosh. It's time to eat. I'm going to go inside

[00:25:28] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah. You know what you guys, I got to cut this game that I cut out from this game early. Cause I'm thinking of obsessing about food right now and I'm seven.

[00:25:36] Damaged Parents: yeah. Oh,

[00:25:37] Alexandra Hoover: they do. I hope they

[00:25:38] Damaged Parents: I don't.

[00:25:39] know. I hope not. But later, so later in life, those, there was a drinking thing, right?

[00:25:45] Alexandra Hoover: Oh yeah.

[00:25:46] Damaged Parents: so how did you, what happened with that and how did you recover from that?

[00:25:52] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah, at first I thought my father died when I was 31 and I did not deal with it. And so the drinking sort of also when I was starting to lose weight, from the earlier twenties, I would drink once in a while and I would notice, oh, it's kind of like a meal. Like if I have a beer,

[00:26:09] And so then, but then back to then in my thirties, in my early thirties, my father died and I just, I did tend to theater. And I dunno if you've been in that community may probably familiar with it. Like after a show, that's what we would do. Just drink. So after doing my favorite thing, I loved, I would also do this other thing that was becoming a love, which was drink a lot.

[00:26:29] And it really, it helped me get through those years and functions. Because it wasn't to the point where I was not functioning, it was, staving off the huge grief that I was going to feel later. So I did end up going to AA. I tried like other programs I tried Buddhist circles, but I think what in the end worked is just being honest with myself and giving myself choice.

[00:26:56] Like, again, like it comes back to that, like, you don't have to do. Like you don't have to cut out anything, but do you like it? Do you actually like it?

[00:27:04] Damaged Parents: Right. And what it's bringing to your life.

[00:27:07] Alexandra Hoover: yeah. Like how do you like it right now? Like you can do it again. Go ahead. As soon as I gave myself permission to do any of these things, then it, the choice became a real choice.

[00:27:18] And not just like from the neck up choice, like, because I read that somewhere in someone's quote.

[00:27:23] Damaged Parents: That's so beautiful because it reminds me of, I want to say Marshall B Rosenberg was the first place I read that, but you know, given room for no, which also gives room for Yes. When I give room for no there, Yes, Is that much more valuable to me? And I think that's what you're describing inside of yourself is , you giving yourself room for yes. Which means the no is even that much more valuable to you.

[00:27:52] Alexandra Hoover: Yes. Yes, exactly. Yes. Right now.

[00:27:56] Damaged Parents: I think that's really interesting that by really truly giving. Room for the choice, be it yes or no. It's in that moment. What I'm hearing from you is it is that's where the freedom is and it's in the freedom that then when you choose the yes or the no, depending on which situation you're in, then it just means that much more to you.

[00:28:21] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah, because it truly is from. The me of me, not like the mean those trying to please whatever it's just, letting go of pleasing the others or these, even these imagined others, which were really don't even exist. They're just parts of me, sometimes it's oh, well they'll think.

[00:28:37] Well, who's, they, you know, that whole thing, As soon as it was like pleasing, where I am right now. And knowing that it's okay to change in my mind, that's like such a huge thing. Like where is the rule? That's been inscribed on our hearts that says like, oh, and by the way, this is permanent. Like it's, I don't know.

[00:28:55] I just feel like there's, it's derogatory to be like, you know what, no, I won't be taking that job. Or I thought about it and.

[00:29:01] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:29:02] Yeah.

[00:29:03] Alexandra Hoover: after you said, so it's the no, after the, yes, that I think is the child or, you know, whatever it is, the challenge for most people, it's like, oh, now they're going to think on it a little bit.

[00:29:11] It feels like really? Do you think they're really thinking

[00:29:14] Damaged Parents: It's usually they're onto solving their own, their next problem,

[00:29:17] Alexandra Hoover: hi? Yeah. It's like, they're kind of thinking about themselves, just like you are right now. It's okay.

[00:29:23] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:29:24] That's a, that's like I remember in high school, I, or maybe I learned about it later. Like most kids, most people in general, even just walking down the street, they don't really care. Like they're more worried about who they are and what they're doing then in their. Then they are about what's happening in my world.

[00:29:44] And unless somehow what happens in my world defines their world. Then I don't think that they care much.

[00:29:51] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah. It's like only if I'd only had as much power as I thought I did when I was oh no, everyone's like looking at me, I'm walking across the street. I'm overweight. Like if I had that power, then why am I not famous?

[00:30:03] Damaged Parents: Oh my gosh. I

[00:30:04] love that. For real. If I

[00:30:06] had that power, then why am I not? Like That's a fact it that's something I could easily repeat to teenagers that I know

[00:30:14] Alexandra Hoover: Yeah. It's like,

[00:30:15] okay. If you can control that, then can you control me making a $2.4 million by Thursday?

[00:30:21] Damaged Parents: I don't know, I couldn't control you. Not know,

[00:30:24] Alexandra Hoover: Oh, you couldn't. Oh, darn. Okay.

[00:30:26] Damaged Parents: but I, I gave up controlling people when I had kids. Cause you know, that's what they teach you is that you really have absolutely no control.

[00:30:34] Alexandra Hoover: So you had the accelerated course in that where those of us that are childless people have like the, well, I just need to learn this anyway, or I'm going to lose my mind even without

[00:30:44] kids.

[00:30:44] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:30:45] Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So what would be the top three tools or tips that if someone is going through some of the similar struggles or different struggles, but on the same spectrum of struggle that you'd say maybe try this. Like, what are three things that you're like these things help the most.

[00:31:04] Alexandra Hoover: Okay. Writing these down so I don't get off course. Okay. So the first one would be for me. When someone at any time someone has said calm down. So that's my number one. Is there? What is your way of calming yourself for me? I cannot just go. And anxiety incident where my heart's beating a little faster and I'm feeling in it.

[00:31:27] I can not go from there to like tranquilly meditating. So I have to expel that energy somehow. So either I take a walk around the block, or I know that I'm going to be doing something physical later and I don't need an hour workout. I have to expel the energy of anxiety before I can sit down. And being with it.

[00:31:47] Does that make sense? So like the, and that's just for the way I run some people, they can just do some alternate nostril breathing and couth. But for me, I have to get that energy out if I am sort of in a calm place then. So that's the first one is, do you need to be active to calm down?

[00:32:05] So I would ask myself that, number two would be. Once you're calm, like the breathing, like absolutely the breathing, either study, some kind of alternate nostril breathing and you can make it work for you two minutes, one minute, you don't have to be as Swami immediately.

[00:32:20] And then I think the third is. Everybody has what you have. It just looks differently. So you just need to, I would say you need someone's objectives coming back at you. So whether that's a coach, a therapist, go into a 12 step, try it, like try it and see what you think. And try to spot if you are resistance to anything is truly like, this is not right.

[00:32:45] Or if you just don't want to up-level your life, cause sometimes you just won't want to move to the next level. Cause it'll be more scary, successful or whatever. So those are my three that are really gobbly gook together, but hopefully that came across.

[00:32:58] Damaged Parents: I love them. I think they're great. Okay. You can find Alexandra https://definesober.com. You can find her on Twitter. @Alexandrahoovs. Or Instagram @definethesober or IMDB just look up Alexander Hoover, Alexandra I'm so glad I got to have you on the show today. What a fun conversation we were all over

[00:33:21] the

[00:33:21] place. And yet I think it made sense. it was beautiful.

[00:33:25] Alexandra Hoover: We'll see. Right. And you're so insightful. Thank you. It's so great to meet you.

[00:33:30] Damaged Parents: Oh, fantastic. Yeah, no, it's really great to meet you. too.

[00:33:33] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking To Alexandra about how she learned to recognize addiction in different areas of her life. We especially liked when she spoke about giving herself room to be imperfect and then get back on track to unite with other damaged people.

[00:33:54] Connect with us on YouTube. Look for @damagedparents will be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.