S2E62: Terra Traub - Learning to Love Me

Terra is a multi-instrumentalist at Berklee College of Music, and a World Cup professional snowboard athlete. She also had to learn to love herself. You will learn so much from her journey!

Social media and contact information:

TT@terratraub
IG @terratraub
YT @terratraub

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were broken unworthy. Loving people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would. Venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

[00:00:41] Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's. About our perception and how we deal with There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is you. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out On the other side, whole you who stares directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover your purpose. You are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

[00:01:34] Today, we're going to talk with Terra Traub she has many roles in her life. Daughter sister stepsister, granddaughter. Nice cousin. End way more. We'll talk about how, even as a multi-instrumentalist and a world cup, professional snowboard athlete. She didn't feel worthy and didn't love herself. Let's find out how she found health and healing. Let's Talk

[00:01:59] Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Terra with us. She is a multi-instrumentalist at Berkeley College of Music. and a World Cup Professional Snowboard Athlete. I bet. You're thinking what in the world is her last name, but most of you probably know it's Terra Traub. She leverages her decade of competitive experience as a life coach who guides clients towards self-love and elite performance to find.

[00:02:28] Quite literally look up Tara Traub T E R R A T R A U B. She's on Tik TOK, Instagram and YouTube, Terra welcome to the show.

[00:02:41] Terra Traub: Hi, thanks for having me.

[00:02:43] Damaged Parents: Yeah, we're super lucky. We're getting to record on a beautiful sunny day. And we were just both talking about finding moments of peace in our lives and sometimes how we have to like schedule it in.

[00:02:57] Terra Traub: Yes. Yes. I'm a big fan of the scheduling in your moments with peace.

[00:03:02] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Well, okay. So I have a question when you were snowboarding, did you also need to do that?

[00:03:08] Terra Traub: I am someone who is hyper structured. Um, And there's, great reason for that, that I've been digging into, but I um, someone who usually likes to, if I have five minutes, I like to schedule something in there, something productive. And I didn't realize what piece meant to me and how it benefited me and the value really in peace and taking those moments to just be with me.

[00:03:35] Until recently um, my transformation in the past year. And actually that was a huge, that was a huge thing for me as a, as an athlete was that I was part of the reason that I did it was to escape being still with myself.

[00:03:51] Damaged Parents: Being the athlete is what you did to escape being still with yourself.

[00:03:55] Terra Traub: Part of it.

[00:03:55] Damaged Parents: Okay.

[00:03:56] Terra Traub: There were a couple of reasons, but Everything that I did a year ago before my big moment where I blew out my knee and I had to change tax was to keep myself from being in stillness with myself because I couldn't handle how horrible that space was. So I guess that was a really long answer to your, to your question.

[00:04:18] Damaged Parents: it was beautiful.

[00:04:22] So staying busy became a way to escape then.

[00:04:28] Terra Traub: Yes. What

[00:04:30] Damaged Parents: was it also like being successful then gave you value?

[00:04:35] Terra Traub: Yes, you nailed it. I was chasing after success and validation in the form of a metal of a big soft, like social media following. I was chasing after love and respect and attention in all of these ways that I wasn't aware of at the time. But. Just really disconnecting me from myself, which is why I needed that extra external love.

[00:04:59] Damaged Parents: Okay. So you were looking for love, look quite literally outside of yourself.

[00:05:06] Terra Traub: Yeah.

[00:05:07] Damaged Parents: And then you blew out your knee. You had major surgery. And what happened inside of you? , right after the accident for you? Like, what were your thoughts about what was going to be next?

[00:05:22] Terra Traub: Okay. so a little bit of history here. so I just celebrated my rebirth day. Actually. I think it was last weekend. It was the 19th of March.

[00:05:31] Um,

[00:05:32] Damaged Parents: And we're recording on the 29th of March. So 10 days ago.

[00:05:36] Terra Traub: Yes, 10 days ago, I celebrated my rebirth day and that was the day that I blew out my knee

[00:05:40] last year. And I've had seven surgeries in seven years. That knee surgery was actually my seventh, the second time I've had surgery on that knee. And the difference between this surgery and the surgeries before is it took me out of the running for the Olympics.

[00:05:57] Um,

[00:05:57] My whole goal and dream was to get to the Olympics. That's like, I think that's like seven or 13 letters, like a Olympian. And I wanted that on my Instagram page. You know, I

[00:06:08] Damaged Parents: Oh,

[00:06:09] Terra Traub: I wanted that validation and I refuse to see that by the way for a really long time. But the thing that changed for me this time was no Olympics.

[00:06:19] Why even go back to snowboarding. There's no point there's no, like how can I even go back to snowboarding? Cause before I saw the surgeries as I'll get injured and Dr. Hackett or Dr. Preventure like I have a team of surgeons who took care of me. Well, just patch me back up and I'll be fine and I'll keep going.

[00:06:37] But this time I knew that when I came back, I wasn't going to be making these games and being 28. I don't know if it was. Or 27 at the time, I just didn't think that it was reasonable to think I was going to push for four more years.

[00:06:54] Damaged Parents: Hmm.

[00:06:55] Terra Traub: Right after I actually fell into the deepest pit that I think I've ever been in because my identity was ripped away.

[00:07:02] I was no longer a snowboarder. Who was I like, where was my worth? What did I have to offer? If I wasn't the girl that always trained that pushed harder than everyone else that was so resilient. That was always pushing back from PT or injury. Like who was I? Like, where was my value? How would people love me?

[00:07:23] How would people see me? Where did I fit in this world? So it was a big earth shattering moment where I just got lost. But the beauty of that moment, the beauty of that time and period in my life was it made me realize that I really hated myself and I've spent 21 years hating myself. Avoiding any time spent with myself avoiding being in stillness.

[00:07:50] This is why can't I spend all my time avoiding moments of peace, as if I went outside and hot, didn't have music or didn't have TV. You know, It's really funny. I would go on, I would go on training trips with my coach and stuff, and she would make fun of me because I'd literally be walking around with my computer, playing a TV show when I was go to the bathroom and I was cooking when I was taking a bath,

[00:08:13] Damaged Parents: Oh, wow.

[00:08:15] Terra Traub: I just, I couldn't handle being by myself.

[00:08:17] And when I was in this hole it forced me to face that I didn't, I couldn't stand being with myself.

[00:08:26] Damaged Parents: I mean, was it, did you figure that out when you were laying in bed after surgery or after the injury or did it take awhile? And if it took a while, how long.

[00:08:35] Terra Traub: It took a while. I had both of my knees operated on. They took one, my patella from my right knee and put it into my left knee as my ACL, because the first surgery, they had already taken part of my patella on my left knee. So for a month after surgery, I was just deep in pain pills. And I've done this before, come back from injury, come back from knee injury, which is, probably the most challenging out of all the surgeries I've had.

[00:09:04] This time, I was even more disabled because I couldn't bend either knee. It was during COVID and I couldn't get anyone to come take care of me. My dad actually flew out from Taiwan where my parents live and he tried to come take care of me, but then he was too scared of COVID. So he couldn't actually get near me.

[00:09:22] My dad is so sweet. He cooked me food and then like dropped it off and he would get into his like full suit. Like he wanted to come in a bunny suit. I kid you not to drive me to and from PT, but uh, we had to hire some help, but most of the time I was just in the hotel room or in PT, where they helped and on pain killers.

[00:09:44] So that was the first month. It was just kind of. Just knuckling down and bracing and kind of getting through it. I knew at that time I needed some help. So I hired on a life coach and it took me about three months to even understand that it took me three months to understand that, to let go of snowboarding enough, to see that I might.

[00:10:07] Be able to be a person without it. I don't know if that makes sense.

[00:10:12] Damaged Parents: Okay. I think what I hear you saying is that

[00:10:16] on some deeper level, You in order to, to figure out who or what you are, you had to let go of the snowboarding, but it's like to understand that you are, and because you are, that is enough. Couldn't come without releasing that.

[00:10:37] Terra Traub: Yes. I couldn't let go of snowboarding until March to November. That's I'm horrible. I'm not.

[00:10:45] Damaged Parents: Uh, Let's see. So we've got three to nine. Let's see, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9 months. Almost something like that. We're on podcasts. We're not supposed to be good at math.

[00:10:57] Terra Traub: yeah, I, it took me until then to, because November is when I officially retired. When I put out the social media posts that said I'm walking away and I'm taking time to find out what's next for me and figure out how to love me. It took all of that time for me to let go of snowboarding enough to move on that first, those first three months were, just enough for me to let go of snowboarding.

[00:11:24] So that enough to even have the possibility that I could be doing something different.

[00:11:31] Damaged Parents: Okay. I think what just hit me was your identity, who you were was 100% tied up in snowboarding that you were Terra Traub world-class snowboarder period. And that was who you were. And without that, now you were nobody.

[00:11:49] Terra Traub: Yes.

[00:11:50] Damaged Parents: Maybe.

[00:11:51] Terra Traub: Yeah. I was terrified of being in that space. And I think most people starting to do the work that I'm so passionate about now, which is to find self-love and help people find their self-love. They're too scared of that space of like, who am I? like where's my value. If I'm not this it's so scary to let go of this identity.

[00:12:12] Damaged Parents: Almost like who where's my value. If I'm not doing this.

[00:12:16] Terra Traub: Yes. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And for me, I was bullied heavily when I was in grade school. In third grade. I was actually, ostracized from my community of classmates and peers. So that if I went to sit down at the cafeteria, there would be empty seats, literally everywhere. And I had to start eating with my guidance counselor.

[00:12:38] So I spent my whole life, like in the state of. Panic trying to find ways for me to be noticed and loved. And in that journey while I was trying to find that I ended up putting myself in these compromising situations where. I sold myself out in order to get that value in order to get that praise or that acceptance instead of, for some sort of like half acceptance.

[00:13:06] So for me letting go of the one thing that I thought made me extraordinary and what I thought would be, transitioning into normal and ordinary, which actually to me felt like less than, because to me when I was normal, Ostracized me. And so going from extraordinary to normal was actually extraordinary to unlovable.

[00:13:31] And so releasing that it took a really long time.

[00:13:36] Damaged Parents: I think it probably took a really long time to even get that into words and acknowledged that it meant. That not being extraordinary in one area meant that you were unlovable. I mean, that seems like a really painful conclusion to come to.

[00:13:53] Terra Traub: Actually, I literally just figured that out just as I said it just now. So thank you.

[00:14:00] Damaged Parents: You're welcome. Glad to be a service.

[00:14:03] Terra Traub: Yeah.

[00:14:04] I think that was the first time I put that into words and made that connection that I was going from extraordinary to unlovable.

[00:14:11] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:14:11] Terra Traub: But now that I say it that deeply like that, I feel the emotion attached to it. And that rings very true for me.

[00:14:20] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And what is that emotion feel like? I mean, is it like a relief or is it like, oh shoot, I've got more work to do.

[00:14:29] Terra Traub: Well, the way that.

[00:14:30] Damaged Parents: Or something else?

[00:14:32] Terra Traub: Oh, no, it's, both actually, it's both predominantly the first thing that I feel into is the pain because we spend all of our lives running away from this type of emotional pain. Right. So I'm feeling the pain that I felt when I was in third grade and I was just deeply unlovable when I was in, when I was 13 and I was selling myself out and I was just there's.

[00:14:54] I was just of no value. So I'm feeling that, and then I'm feeling. Excitement and relief because now I know another place to dig, which means that I have more work, but the way that I see this type of work is it's almost like we're in a spiraling tower. And so I've processed this pattern once on level one and I've come back and I've processed it.

[00:15:15] Again on level two, but I have a different perspective because now I'm higher up and now I'm on level three and it's like, I kind of just hit another level where I'm looking down at the same pattern, because this is a big pattern for me. Right. Extraordinary, ordinary finding worth and value. Who am I without all the extras that we can paint onto our lives and stories.

[00:15:37] Yeah.

[00:15:38] it's A clarity and a knowing at coming back to ourselves. And just assurity. And it's a little bit like a little splash of extra self-love because I understand myself even better now than I did two minutes ago.

[00:15:53] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I'm just loving, like the sense that I felt when you said that and the look that I saw on your face, which the podcast, the listeners, aren't going to get this see, but was, this kind of an aha moment? And I didn't sense that there was any anger or frustration about it, just like this. Some sort of a unconditional love of, oh, this is what's coming up.

[00:16:18] Ooh, I'm going to love this right now. Like just love that pain. Not love it in the sense of, I don't know what word I'm looking for, but in the way of oh, pain, you know, but just love giving love to the pain, like love and understanding maybe to that

[00:16:37] Terra Traub: a lot of compassion. Yes. That's a huge part of my practice. I love how you just put all of that because. You basically just described my experience when I'm processing. I love finding these pieces of myself and they're painful to find, but I'm sure you hear this all the time. They're there to protect you.

[00:16:57] And that piece of me fought so hard, so hard for like most of my life to protect me. And she's given me so much, like if I wasn't scared of being ordinary because I was unlovable, I probably wouldn't push the, have pushed as hard as I did to become what I thought was extraordinary. I would probably like, she gave me discipline and drive and like, Motivation when there was like almost none to be had, and so she is powerful. She's a powerhouse, she's smart. She's crafty, but mostly it's like, When I find that, that unconditional love that I feel it's, it just, it really feels like I'm coming home to me, I'm learning how to love all of these pieces that make me me and I don't judge them for how they've acted because they love me.

[00:17:52] Damaged Parents: That's so beautiful. And I think what I also hear you say is I can look at the part of me that needed to be successful, that needed to be recognized as an Olympian, that needed all of those things and see the motivation, the dedication that this, that, that, it's not that that was, I'm not hearing you say that was bad.

[00:18:13] And I'm not hearing you say that this other stuff is better than it's. It's like, it's just all it's like you're integrating what I'm hearing is kind of this integration that happens of, oh, this is all of me. Like if you were to like, put two, two hands together and when they split the fingers, to hold hands, I don't know what that's called.

[00:18:36] Terra Traub: Oh, that's

[00:18:37] Damaged Parents: You're doing it, but I can't there's, there's gotta be words for that better words.

[00:18:41] Terra Traub: Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I know what you beautiful. It is an integration. I'm in the practice of not creating meaning. And when you say something's bad, you create that judgment, then, shame and judgment and all of these things start to cloud what's there in front of me. Right. And the same thing, when you say like, That was excellent or that was so much better than that implies that, there's something that you're running away from.

[00:19:08] And it actually is very gratifying to hear that you saw that I was just in full integration, full unconditional love mode. Cause that's something I've really been working towards. So it's great to see that that's now like less of a conscious act.

[00:19:25] Damaged Parents: Oh, that's beautiful. And I love that you really pointed out that saying something is wrong. You know, Like you use some what I call dysregulating or unhelpful words, right. Wrong fee, based on fear things like that. And then love like, you were really showing the spectrums and how that at either end of the spectrum, something else.

[00:19:45] Is being is not being integrated or not being allowed to exist. And I had never really thought of that before that, when I say something is bad, that does not allow good, the good port parts of it to exist. And when I say something's good, that means the bad part can't exist.

[00:20:05] Terra Traub: Yeah.

[00:20:06] Damaged Parents: That's so weird.

[00:20:08] Terra Traub: Because when we say good or bad, we're creating this meaning and meaning gives us a filter, right? It's a, it's a filter for how we see the world. And suddenly you're looking for all the reasons why it's bad or why it's good. And you filter out all of the other side of the thing of what it is instead

[00:20:24] Damaged Parents: what it is that it exists is beautiful. Right.

[00:20:28] Terra Traub: Yes.

[00:20:29] Damaged Parents: Like, that's a, that's kind of a mind blowing thing to, to think about. So with snowboarding and, and being such a high performer, was there also a lot of mindset work that you did then, and, and because you did it, maybe that's helped you at all.

[00:20:47] Terra Traub: I yeah, so I've worked with a mental toughness coach for a really long time. He's excellent. He does the work that he does is is very different from what I do now. That kind of work. Doesn't really dig into the reason the cause why you feel like the needs that are driving your behavior, that's being driven by your beliefs and all of this stuff.

[00:21:08] That kind of stuff was more like when you're. Trying to hit a jump. Like, what are you thinking? so that the fear doesn't come in, like

[00:21:15] It's very, like in the moment, like control the controllables or like focusing on your skills. And that kind of work was very beneficial as an athlete when I was, trying to push through and not be scared or even trying to live my life, like, like I was a very indecisive athlete or person, and there were things that like be proactive, helped with that.

[00:21:37] But I think that. I think that all the training that I've had and I'm someone who really invests in my training, I've had nutritionists and trainers and, like trampoline coaches and airbag coaches, any coach that was out there that was elite on there, so I think any training. It's integrated a little bit and the extent to how they help me now, I think they probably made me very open and receptive to learning new things and very committed to learning new things.

[00:22:06] But this type of work that I've been in the past year has really been completely a new ball game because it's learning how to dig into things. I don't want to see.

[00:22:19] Damaged Parents: So before with, with the mental toughness, coach, it, wasn't the mental side of it. Wasn't digging into what's the purpose of this thought. And if, if we can figure that out, then maybe the thought won't happen. It was just, don't let that thought happen. Kind of.

[00:22:36] Terra Traub: Yeah, they were tactics to help with the symptoms.

[00:22:39] Damaged Parents: Okay. Okay. Okay.

[00:22:41] Terra Traub: this is like going back to like, why do you even feel that way? And what's the meaning you're giving this, like, where did you create that belief? That, that was how you had to handle this and what are you running from? What are you protecting yourself from?

[00:22:53] And this is the type of work that's scary. This is what people call like facing your demons, and it's like, you have to see a part of yourself that you might not want to see. I'd say that it primed me to be in a space where I am teachable and open to learning, but it is a completely different skillset than I was trained in.

[00:23:16] Damaged Parents: And so

[00:23:17] perhaps. Was one of the things that you learned when we're working with the other coaches that the, like that let's see, what are the, what's the word I'm looking for? The ability to, to be wrong like that, it was okay to be wrong.

[00:23:34] Terra Traub: That's interesting actually, cause I just did I just talked a little bit on my Ted talk about this. I have a tendency to follow my coaches blindly. I was a great athlete. I was a great student because whatever they said I would do and I would do it to a tee and I wouldn't do it more than one second and I wouldn't do it less than one second, I was always very good at being wrong because being wrong with someone else's mistake, if

[00:24:00] Damaged Parents: Uh, okay. So if you were wrong then it's because you followed so and and they told you to do X, Y, and Z, and that's what you did. And therefore it was their fault.

[00:24:09] Terra Traub: it was however, I always internalized it as my fault somehow, like, Hmm. I don't. I, it was their fault, but also I was so not in my own power that I just always assumed I was wrong.

[00:24:27] Damaged Parents: Hmm. So there wasn't really a lot of questioning or trying to understand it was just, okay, I'm going to go do this.

[00:24:34] Terra Traub: Yeah. Yeah, I was good at being a robot. I was good at shutting off my brain, which is why I got hurt so often, but also what made me such a good athlete because I was just good at following orders.

[00:24:46] Damaged Parents: Hmm.

[00:24:47] Terra Traub: I was good at turning it on and pushing when I needed to. And probably when I, and a lot of the times when I shouldn't have been, the only time I really did use my discernment was when I was choosing the right people to follow.

[00:25:00] But then once I was in that was it. And I shut off.

[00:25:03] Damaged Parents: Did that, so that made it a lot easier in some ways or.

[00:25:08] Terra Traub: It was easy to because. I wasn't able to have trust in myself for coming up with my own solutions. So it was in that sense, it was easy. Like, here's my problem. Please fix it

[00:25:22] Damaged Parents: Oh, okay.

[00:25:23] Terra Traub: your problem, please fix it. That however created. A lot of cause like all, all these experts have their different ways of doing things and what works for them and eat.

[00:25:33] And they have science backing it up, but they have there's different science, sometimes backing different things up. I'm sure. You know what I mean? So it's like, well,

[00:25:41] Damaged Parents: I know what you mean.

[00:25:43] Terra Traub: So it's like, which expert do you listen to? Like, you go to this when they can't solve your problem, you go to this when they can't solve your problem. And I've, I work with like 3, 3, 4 or five people and no one solves my problem. Well, what if I just listened to my own body from the start? Because solutions fit better with different people.

[00:26:02] What works for me might not work for you.

[00:26:05] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So how do you do that though? If there's somebody listening right now and they're like, okay, that's great, Tara, how in the world do I learn to listen to my body and to myself?

[00:26:15] Terra Traub: My journey to that. So I was in the past year, I've really learned how to embrace this because now I'm a self-love coach. Right. So I have, I'm not the one. I'm now the one advising people or like guiding people to listen to themselves. Right. I can't there's no one above me saying you should do this.

[00:26:34] You should tell your clients this. So in the past year, that was actually a really big part of my journey. And I think it comes from doing the work to understand yourself, to decouple yourself from the patterns that are driven by the needs that you don't know. So like understanding that like sometimes I act this way or sometimes I think, or react this way because I'm scared of being judged.

[00:27:00] And that's why I made this decision. Like, when you can clear yourself, when you can create awareness in the moment that you're doing that, that separates you from the need and you can think clearly, and you can make a clear decision. So I'll give you an example.

[00:27:13] Damaged Parents: Please.

[00:27:14] Terra Traub: I had this need to impress and that started when I was younger, when I ha I was ostracized and my parents love to brag about me, to their friends.

[00:27:22] And then when I so I did a lot of like extracurriculars. I was in five dance classes and I took two music lessons and that was in one week. So they bragged, I got praise and from them, then I decided that. The way to get love. Attention, respect validation was to impress people. So I realized this and one day I was something big had happened.

[00:27:45] I I'd signed my first Mandarin speaking client and I was so excited. I was so excited. I posted on Instagram like stories and I was like, I just signed my first client. And then I posted it. And then 15 minutes later I was feeling this, this like discomfort. I was like, why did I do. And I realized in that moment, like that awareness, you did that because you want love, you want everyone to know that you're successful, that you're pushing the boundaries, pushing your boundaries.

[00:28:12] And then I took it down. And in that moment, I, I cut the need. I cut the pattern to fill the need to be loved because I decided I was worthy enough of love without that extra validation. I cut that behavior. And in that moment, I came back to me. I understood me better. And I made a decision that served me, that served my body, my being my higher mission, my higher purpose.

[00:28:40] And the more moments that you can stack up doing that, the more you can start to trust yourself that, Hey, like I know what's best for me. I can make the decisions that work best for me. I can trust what I learn. I can trust what I read. I can trust the thoughts that I have because they're not going to be driven by these patterns.

[00:29:00] So fulfill the needs that I don't need filled anymore because I can fill them by.

[00:29:04] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So you also, it sounds like learn to trust yourself.

[00:29:08] Terra Traub: Yes. That's the key to it. Yeah. You just summed it up. learn to trust yourself, learn like know yourself.

[00:29:15] so you can trust yourself and then you can start to make your own decisions and do what's best for you.

[00:29:21] Damaged Parents: Yeah, that's awesome. And, and really beautiful. I had another question, but I think I lost it and we've got, we've got probably enough recording for me to go on to the next part. So we are at the end of the podcast, three tips or tools for someone, I don't know, someone listening. Let's assume they could be anywhere on the spectrum.

[00:29:43] Maybe they're still pushing for that love and validation, or maybe they're at the edge going something thinking, okay, something needs to change. What would be like your thought, maybe try this.

[00:29:54] Terra Traub: Three tips. Hmm. Boundaries. So that's come up for like this.

[00:30:00] past month, I've had four clients have big breakthroughs with their boundaries. Your boundaries your what you have available at each moment, right? When you set your boundaries and you say no to the people who are undervaluing, valuing you, the people who do value, you will show up because you're living into the belief that you are worthy of that happening to you.

[00:30:22] Boundaries set your boundaries. Number one, huge one. I got like, I love boundaries because it's made a huge shift in my life. The biggest tip, I guess I can give anyone. Is to journal. That's how I coach myself every day. I journal every day and I process, and I know you hear this from a lot of people all the time.

[00:30:42] It's the other thing is it's okay to journal on your computer. A lot of people don't think it's Okay.

[00:30:46] like that. You have to journal. I can't keep up with my thoughts when I'm writing. So it's okay to journal on your computer, but journal just so that you can understand what is driving you. What is driving your behavior so that you're living in your blind spots.

[00:30:59] Like if you ever feel triggered or if you ever go, like, why did I just do that journal and be like, why did I just do that? Like what was driving that? And then the last thing I had the thought, I can't remember. Oh, self care real quick. I

[00:31:16] I have started giving myself three hours of self care every morning.

[00:31:21] And that includes like a shower, a walk body worship. I spend time like putting lotion on my body and just like giving my body love because. We are conditioned as a society to disassociate from our bodies. When you can show your body love, it starts to understand that you love it. And by extension you. So that has been a huge shift for me.

[00:31:48] Huge monumental.

[00:31:50] Damaged Parents: yeah, I think that would probably be a huge shift for a lot of people into the, especially in today's world, because with social media and things like that, we're looking at. All these other people that we are judging as better than, than we are, their body is better than ours or whatever. I mean, it can always look better.

[00:32:10] Right. But they've got their struggle too. And I think it's so easy to forget that. So

[00:32:16] Terra Traub: Yeah. Yeah. I

[00:32:17] have so much to say, but I don't want to like bug into your times.

[00:32:21] Damaged Parents: oh no, go ahead. We can cut. I'll cut it in somewhere. What do you have to say? I triggered something. So let's say it.

[00:32:27] Terra Traub: Okay. So I've been really in on this body positive activity journey cause I've had

[00:32:33] an eating disorder all my life. I was anorexic and then I was bulimic and now my eating disorder

[00:32:39] has me going to the gym four times a day and restricting my diet in a huge way. And What I'm learning for me is that even like the people that you see.

[00:32:51] As fit influencers with the perfect bodies. Like first of all, their bodies are probably meant to be that way. They're probably built that way. But second is what you don't see is what goes on behind what is driving their need to be that way. Because I realized for me that if I got the body, that my dream body that I want right now, I would be forced to be.

[00:33:12] At the gym four times a day and eating way less than I want to eat. I'm a foodie at heart. And if I can't go out and eat what makes me happy if I'm eating the same things every day, I'm putting myself in chains in order to get this body. So I'm grateful that I can't get to this body while I'm in my eating disorder, because what, what does it mean if I get there, I'm going to be.

[00:33:34] I'm going to be a slave to those needs my whole life, my whole life.

[00:33:41] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:33:41] Terra Traub: And every time I choose to restrict myself, every time I choose to push, when my body is screaming at me to go and just rest, I'm playing into that reality where I am a slave to my needs. So when you see those fit influencers, you don't know, like they might be built for it.

[00:33:58] They might be in that cycle. They might be at the gym way too much eating way too little, or like you just, you don't know, learning to love our bodies as it is right now. Learning to find worth before the achievements. That's the difference to you being you seeing failure as I am a failure and you see failure as this is a lesson.

[00:34:23] This is a redirection

[00:34:24] Damaged Parents: Um,

[00:34:25] Terra Traub: I'm in that. I have had chronic gut issues for three years now. And my natural path two weeks ago told me it's time to put weight loss on the sh on the back burner. And let's focus on healing, your gut and ma and I couldn't do it. I, at that moment, I realized that I was putting this ideal skinny bottom.

[00:34:45] Goal in front of my health. How could I possibly love myself when I'm choosing to abandon my body and force it into a tiny body, into a different shape and abandoning like my health there's no, I can't love myself like that. That is the opposite of loving myself. So now I'm on a journey on my rebirth.

[00:35:06] They actually, I decided that. I don't want to live into that anymore. I want to live into my perfect life of freedom and, and like pleasure and delight and joy and spontaneity and all of these things that those chains aren't allowing me to do. And I'm going to live into that life and then figure out how to be okay with me as I am Right, now.

[00:35:29] Well, they go together.

[00:35:31] Damaged Parents: right. right. Yeah, learning too. And that's the thing, like, at least for me with having a disability and, and the inability to go to the gym or things like that, and I think for a lot of people who have physical disabilities, that, that sometimes that's. What we think that if we could only just get there that then we'll be happy.

[00:35:52] And at least for me, what I have learned is the happiness isn't over there. It's right here right now. If I allow it,

[00:36:02] Terra Traub: Oh my God. Yes. Yes. That's that's it, It's like, if you think about it, we are, it's like, we're the blue sky, right. And there are clouds and those are the things that we think are going to make us happy. And when we just decide that, like to see past them, then it's like that's blue sky. We were always there in the first place.

[00:36:20] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:36:21] Terra Traub: Yeah,

[00:36:21] Damaged Parents: for sure. Well, Tara, thank you so much for coming on the show. You guys can find Tara Trob at Tara Trob on Tik TOK, Instagram and YouTube. Thank you again for such a great conversation.

[00:36:34] Terra Traub: He's so much.

[00:36:36] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Terra about how she learned to love herself. We especially liked when she shared how this work can be scarier than training for a world cup to unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then