S2E58: What it Felt Like to Feel Invisible

Helen M. Ryan runs a digital marketing agency with her son and is the creator of the coached walk podcast Walking & Talking with Helen. She has two grown kids who are totally amazing and are the loves of her life. Helen has learned to overcome her fear and now forges ahead, constantly trying new things.

Social media and contact information:

Website: https://walkingandtalking.show
Instagram: https://instagram.com/realhelenmryan
Facebook group: https://imperfectlyhealthy.group

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: welcome back to the Relatively Damaged podcast by Damaged Parents, where self-doubting invisible, strong people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged.

[00:00:35] And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to

[00:00:55] How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is you the one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. You who stares directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover your purpose. You are the people who inspire me to be more fully me.

[00:01:23] Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.

[00:01:30] Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.

[00:01:43] Today, we're going to talk with Helen M. Ryan. She has many roles in her life, parent, sister, niece, cousin, business person, and more. We'll talk about how she had significant self-doubt a traumatic childhood believed she was worthless and how she found health and healing. Let's talk.

[00:02:05] Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Helen M. Ryan. Now you guys, the M is super important because there are a lot of Helen Ryans. And while there are many Helen M Ryan's, there are not as many as Helen Ryan. So I just want to make sure to get you to the right place.

[00:02:24] She runs a digital marketing agency with her son and is the creator of The Coach Talk Podcast, Walking and Talking with Helen. She has two grown kids who are totally amazing and are the loves of her life. Helen has learned to overcome her fear. And now forges ahead, constantly trying new things. You can find her @ https://walkingandtalking.show or on Instagram.

[00:02:50] @RealHelenMRyan or on Facebook @imperfectlyhealthygroup, Helen, welcome to the show.

[00:02:57] Helen M Ryan: Oh thank you for having me.

[00:02:58] Damaged Parents: Oh yeah. I'm just loving, like I see imperfectly healthy group and or dot group in perfectly healthy dot group. And I'm thinking of like imperfect those imperfect vegetables. Have you seen the ads for those?

[00:03:12] Helen M Ryan: yeah, yeah. I have. And that's what, we're all like imperfect vegetables, right? Because very few of us want to be like, I want to be healthy, but I want to have chocolate, I'm imperfectly healthy. I'm not willing to give up everything for six pack abs cause I don't ha I have six pack of Reese's peanut butter cups.

[00:03:27] I don't have six pack abs

[00:03:29] Damaged Parents: right.

[00:03:30] I can, I can relate to that on so many levels. I'm just going to be quiet,

[00:03:35] but like, I think that there is this idea that there is a perfectly healthy, that there is a perfect health. And I'm thinking you're trying to like how you labeled that is breaking a little, trying to break a little bit of that stigma that there is. I mean, I'm thinking even, gosh, I've interviewed.

[00:04:00] Well, one weightlifter a female Laarni Mulvey I I'm thinking imperfect. She's, there's nothing there that says perfection. I mean, even with, I'm thinking even someone who's, a broken world records and things like that, still not perfectly.

[00:04:17] Helen M Ryan: No. And they, a lot of times we expect people to be perfect. We expect ourselves to be perfect. And like, that's why when people go on diets like keto, where they go. But you know, they stay away from gluten or things that so strict that they can't stick with it. And then they feel really bad about themselves.

[00:04:32] And the whole point that I try to get across to people is you're human enjoy life. I can't even imagine if I cut out everything I love, what is it going to say on my tombstone? You know, Helen never ate carbs. You know what, like what's the, what's the point. Life is short, be healthy, but enjoy life because that's, you know, it's just so. it's so strange to me that like, we cut out everything that's enjoyable and that's why we be as healthy as we can, you know? and then we just still we're happy if you're not happy when I was years ago, I lost over 80 pounds and that's when I became a personal trainer and a spinning instructor. And I got a little too thin, I think like, cause you want to do it to prove that you can do it.

[00:05:11] But when I was really thin, a really super fit, it was just, I wasn't quite as bubbly and happy. You know, Once I put on like 10 more pounds, I just felt happier because then I had a lot more freedom and leeway and I can eat my son's delicious baked bread without beating myself up.

[00:05:26] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I mean, even when we started the podcast, when we were chitchatting, before the recording, I had said I was listening. I had been listening to your podcast and I wanted to know how your social media fast was going.

[00:05:41] Helen M Ryan: Well in my, in my head, it went great. But in real life, I just, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. I'm a night person. The other night I was awake till six 30, not by choice in the morning because I was like tossing and turning. Couldn't get comfortable. But I'm at this point in my cat climbed into bed.

[00:05:58] So of course I had to lay there while she cuddled with me for like 20 minutes. But it's hard because there's bad news going on. And so I just, I don't want to start my morning on a negative, better negative start. But then if I go on social media, that's what happens. I get all the negativity and people being nasty to each other, and that's how my day starts.

[00:06:15] And I don't like it. So tomorrow I'm just kidding. I'm going to try again because it's pointless. What am I going to, what's going to make a huge difference in my life. If I look at social media in the morning, nothing nothing's gonna improve day.

[00:06:27] Damaged Parents: Hmm. Because you're starting it that

[00:06:30] Helen M Ryan: Right.

[00:06:31] and really, is there anything that important that I need to know? Am I, yeah. I mean world war three, of course. I need to know that, but other than that, no, there's nothing that's going to change my day really? That happened. So why would I, why am I wasting my time getting sucked into things that aren't important.

[00:06:47] So that's why I'm trying to kick, lay back, lay off off.

[00:06:50] Damaged Parents: lay off the social media. I think it's hard because it's a, connection to, and at the same time though, we're not letting ourselves get bored.

[00:07:01] Helen M Ryan: Yeah.

[00:07:02] Damaged Parents: I can't get bored with social media because there's always this potential new thing happening. And I think it is really interesting when you tell me what's on your social media and I go look at mine and I don't see any of that.

[00:07:17] And it's almost like a, Testament to me of how much. Built into social media. There is of confirmation bias. If you'd like one thing or you read one thing, you are going to get so much more of it, and now it ties into even, it knows what you are looking at on your phone.

[00:07:34] Helen M Ryan: That is so crazy. I'm like, it's just, I know how they do it and why they do it, but it's just, it's craziness. When you see it happen. When you say something, you know, Alexa is listening or she listening to. Um, I have Alexa and I know she's listening and I know she's like gathering data about me, but like on my Facebook, I have unfollowed or unfriended.

[00:07:52] a lot of the people were really negative and really like combative. So I, Facebook is just, which is what I wanted it to be. I want to see people's pets. I want to see what they're doing and I want to see their kids and grandkids. Unfortunately, lately I've been stuck more into twitter. Because of everything that's been going on in the news.

[00:08:07] And so there's so much there there's so much negativity and combative people. And so I think I just need to lay off of that, but I enjoy the connection. That's how I keep up with my friends. I want to see what they're doing so Facebook, but I can still get sucked into a time-waster in the morning. And I get a late start on my day.

[00:08:26] So I need to do that in the evening or, later in the day,

[00:08:30] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I think I'm reading this book. Oh, darn it. It's something more beautiful questions. It's something about that in the title. It's beautiful. But one of the things they talked about is like building that into the day. Like that's the social media time is here. But also if you're a creative personality or you've loved doing that to build in actually more time to be creative because it just takes that long for the brain to start getting into creative mode because otherwise it's like, we're just managing.

[00:09:04] Helen M Ryan: Yeah.

[00:09:05] Damaged Parents: Managing managing, managing, but we are kind of distracted here by no fault of us to totally my fault, actually, because

[00:09:15] I got us on social media,

[00:09:16] Helen M Ryan: Well, I like to talk about everything.

[00:09:18] Damaged Parents: but you're here to share a struggle and. I wanted to really dig into this struggle a little bit, because I'm intrigued by the dynamics of the little bit that you told me.

[00:09:29] So if you could just give the audience a background and then we can just have a conversation about it. That would be fantastic.

[00:09:35] Helen M Ryan: Sure you want to refer to more like the struggle when I was a child

[00:09:39] Damaged Parents: Right. So what I got here was that you were raised by a mother with borderline personality disorder who attempted suicide 12 times.

[00:09:48] Helen M Ryan: Yeah.

[00:09:49] Damaged Parents: before you were 17.

[00:09:51] Helen M Ryan: Yeah. Yeah. And it was undiagnosed back then, and she had other mental issues that were undiagnosed. I grew up in Norway. I was born here, but I grew up in Norway and so they weren't. There, they weren't as like, committed to finding what the mental problem was. There's a lot of social support over there, which is really good.

[00:10:09] But then I think the social support, let her get away with in the U S even with the, even in California with the more liberal laws and I am more liberal. If you continually commit suicide, you're not going to be, they're going to the 5150,

[00:10:22] Damaged Parents: Oh, you mean? Yeah. If you continue to attempt to

[00:10:24] Helen M Ryan: right. right. Yeah, not it's, I've been here gone. And so like that was, surprising, especially to me as an adult looking back, but I moved, we moved to Norway when I was eight.

[00:10:37] we live with my grandmother for the first year, which was hard. My grandmother was incredibly strict, but I think it also really helped me like become more independent, but also. Just because she was strict and helped me set some rules for myself. But when I was nine, I moved in with my mom who had gone earlier.

[00:10:55] And then, I didn't know, she was already by then. She was drinking heavily and she would have like, these were boyfriends over and it was, pretty traumatic and pretty hard for some reason. I just handled it. You don't know how kids handle it, but they do. And I lived with it.

[00:11:09] And it was the life that I knew my sister elected to go live in a foster home.

[00:11:12] That was actually her choice. She never came to live with her mother.

[00:11:15] Damaged Parents: And this was back in Norway.

[00:11:17] Helen M Ryan: Yeah.

[00:11:18] And my, this too was five years older than me. And so she was living in the town where we both live with my grandmother. Then when we left my grandmother, she elected to go to a foster home, which her foster mother was really amazing and supportive.

[00:11:29] And it was, really good for her. I've always been more independent. It's funny because. Been stricter with myself than like any parent would be, but I didn't want anybody ever to tell me what to do. So I stayed in that situation because I knew that the situation, I knew what to expect to a point and I had freedom.

[00:11:47] I went to school, I worked and I didn't do drugs. Didn't have sex. Didn't drink. I was the opposite of my mother in every way, but it was very challenging to live in that situation.

[00:11:59] Damaged Parents: From that child hood perspective. How would you describe what you saw in a parent with borderline? what was it like, or what were the behaviors that you saw? That's that said, Ugh, I know I need to get through this, but just so that maybe if there's some kids out there or some other adults that are like, oh, now that makes sense.

[00:12:21] You know what I'm saying? Like, if you can describe.

[00:12:22] Helen M Ryan: Yeah.

[00:12:23] What was borderline or what was alcoholism or other things? It's hard. She was very like, she will put herself in dangerous situations and then she would call her brother constantly my uncle or call people to save her and help her all the time. And she would be, she would bring men home and be drunk.

[00:12:42] And like one time she had sex with TMI on the kitchen table, in front of the window and apartment buildings that her, the man she was dating across the street could probably see it get jealous, then she would pass out and I would wake up. Cause there's a strange man trying to get into my bed.

[00:12:58] No. I was not like I was very, I don't know. It just, I didn't feel I was more angry. And I didn't want them obviously to come near me, but at that whole situation, she put me at risk many, many times. And the whole, I don't know if this is the borderline behavior. Like for example, I had to go up in the attic of the apartment building to hang up clothes.

[00:13:16] It was freezing up there. I went to hang up my laundry. I would come downstairs. She would have locked the door because she was having sex with some guy. And then she would finally open the door with a little smirk on her face. And it was just that, I don't know if that's borderline behavior, what other mental issues, but that kind of thing, where you're constantly.

[00:13:33] You're the center of attention. When I got my period, I was nine and she had to call her boss and call everybody to tell them about it because it put the spotlight on her. Mortifyingly embarrassing for me. But just, and she would get drunk. And some of the things I've told my kids, a lot of it now they're grown.

[00:13:49] And, but even throughout I've laughed about it. When at one time she'd got drunk and she was actually cooking and making meatballs. So she was putting really hot Maples with the sauce. I was holding up these plastics, Ziploc bags, but they kept breaking. Well, they weren't in Ziploc bags because it was so hot and they would fall on the floor.

[00:14:04] She goes, why are you breaking the bags? I'm like, well, you know, in a perfect world, you would realize you put boiling hot sauce and little thin bags. It's going to break, you know, but there were just, now it's funny when I look back and I just think about like the ridiculous things, but she was just, so when, apparently my grandmother told me when she was marrying my sister's father.

[00:14:26] He was just overshooting apartment in the back of their house here in the U S and he was over and he spent the night and my grandmother came in and she said, what, what are you guys doing? And, her then future husband said, oh, we we're just talking about getting married, which they weren't.

[00:14:39] But then she went along with that. And he, my grandmother told my mom, apparently like, if you, you don't have to get married if you didn't want to. And my mom goes we already, sent out the invitations, that kind of thing just. I don't know. I don't understand this personality, but just like things that are so crazy for me, one of them, I shouldn't say crazy.

[00:14:58] That's not fair, but like a situation feels crazy to a child because you don't know what's going on. And one of the things that I've been really careful in my life not to do is she wouldn't, she would have people come over like, different people. And then she would give them food from our privilege and then she'd get on the phone and tell people, oh, they came over, they went shopping in my fridge and so she would do things and then throw it, you know, talk about it.

[00:15:20] And so when I do things for people, there's never any strings attached. I never talked about it. I never, I don't even bring it up because it's like, I never wanted to be that person who does things and then talks about, the person. You, you did it, you did the things you gave it to them. Why would you say that?

[00:15:35] Damaged Parents: Almost like to validate that they were doing a good thing. It sounds like,

[00:15:39] Helen M Ryan: But then she would talk bad about the person. She did it for

[00:15:42] Damaged Parents: oh, wow. So confusing.

[00:15:46] Helen M Ryan: very confusing.

[00:15:47] Damaged Parents: and so I'm thinking so seven, I mean, did you find her when she, attempted suicide? Did you find her all of those times and how, what happened?

[00:15:56] Helen M Ryan: The first time I was 14, this, I remember this really clearly, but I was sleeping and I have obviously a hard time sleeping most of my life because sleep was never safe. And so I still don't feel safe. I'm always too with the kids. I'm always looking for burglary. So like I'm awake, any noise. I'm like, I got to protect my kids. Right.

[00:16:13] Which is so opposite of her. But she came in and she, I didn't have glasses or contact lenses. She came in, she goes, oh, and he wants to know if it's true. And I go, what, her boyfriend. So she leaves me into the kitchen. Cause she's back then, you have the phone that attached to the wall.

[00:16:27] And she hands me the phone and he's saying something, I'm looking at those blood everywhere, all over the kitchen, blood pooling on the floor. And it was blood spurting out of her wrist. And this was in the middle of the night as I couldn't see details. And so he's saying, well, is it true? Is it true?

[00:16:42] And I'm like, I was like panicking. And then, so I hung it up and I called the emergency services. And Oslow and they'd already gotten three calls, so she'd call them, he'd call them and someone else. And then I would guess I was a third call, but it was really, and then they took her, the ambulance came and took her and I was alone 14 years old in an apartment with blood all over the kitchen floor.

[00:17:02] Two cats. So I closed the door to the kitchen and I went in my room and I just went to bed because what else am I going to do? I woke up the next morning. I didn't know if she was alive. I didn't know what was going on. And then I called her boyfriend and he just screamed at me. It's your fault. And then he hung up.

[00:17:17] And so then I had to go in and clean the blood off the floor, like it was just gross and clean the blood off the phone and clean the blood everywhere. But then there was no. I was just me.

[00:17:26] I was stuck with this situation and I just had to deal with it because who am I going to call? Who's going to help me nobody.

[00:17:32] So I had to deal with that and clean it up. And then she came back and, like nothing happened another time when she was embarrassed. It was so embarrassing. I came home from school and that apartment was cleaned. That was my first. Something's wrong. I gotta went in and buy the phone. That was a note, a suicide note.

[00:17:47] And then I walked into her bedroom and she was laying there in the tiny pink lingerie. With no underwear. And she was, had taken an overdose. So if I had been late, she would have been dead. And I was just, I came straight home from school and then I called the emergency. They came together and they, they lifted her up and they like half carried her out and I'm like, and then her whole bottom part is hanging out.

[00:18:07] And it was, that was, to me, that was so mortifying embarrassing. That that was my mother.

[00:18:11] And Then my friend happened to come by. And then we went in the ambulance, we got to ride in the front, not in the back because it wasn't like, you know, and then they pumped her stomach. This was like, and then from there, after those two instances, it stopped really affecting me because.

[00:18:24] She didn't want to die, knew she didn't want to die. It was just more attention, more attention, more attention. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to get so alarmed anymore because she's not actually going to kill herself. That was my, so over and over and over again after that, but those were the two biggest impactful moments to me were those that I remember really clearly.

[00:18:44] Damaged Parents: In those moments, how did you even, I'm thinking cleaning up and things like that is just kind of like in shock and just cleaning there's no emotion. Is that what happened or what happened for you?

[00:18:58] Helen M Ryan: It's kind of like, well, this is uh, somebody has to do it and it's going to be me. I think living with my grandmother, like I said, we lived way up in the forest. I had to walk an hour. I sound like one of those dramatic, I had to walk uphill, both ways to school, but I had to walk really far an hour each way to the school in the dark.

[00:19:15] I was terrified. Yeah,

[00:19:17] The little tiny flashlight, you know, she would hit me with I had to go and pick my own sticks, that year with her made me more independent and more able to overcome my fear because I was terrified to go down to the scary basement. I didn't have any friends cause we were in the forest, .

[00:19:33] So I think that helped me just realize that I have to do what I have to do. If I'm going to get to school, I have to go the dark through the forest and cry and be scared. I have to get to school. Nobody's going to help me. So I think that helped me. If you can say. We get through this whole cleaning up the blood and all that, but I wanted to be a doctor, but I was never able to be a doctor because when somebody is bleeding, I panic because I can't stay, you know, so, how could I be a doctor if I can't even, you know, so that went out the window,

[00:20:03] Damaged Parents: right. So all of that only started at 14.

[00:20:06] Helen M Ryan: That started the whole alcoholism and all this men and back and forth. That started when I moved in with her about nine.

[00:20:12] Damaged Parents: Right. But the suicides and stuff started at 14 and there were 12 attempts before you left a 17.

[00:20:18] Helen M Ryan: Yeah. And many, many more after

[00:20:19] Damaged Parents: oh, wow. did leaving help?

[00:20:21] Helen M Ryan: I ran away from the whole country and came back to the U S with my aunt for a while with my dad and then moved out on my own. So it did because for a long time we didn't talk and my life was a lot better. And then we started talking and conversing a little bit back and forth, but it was always, there was always drama and always issues.

[00:20:38] And she, one time that after I had kids, my kids were little And I came home and there was a message on the answering machine and I pushed it and it was for going like, I don't want to live anymore. And then at that point I never answered the phone from her again, because I didn't want my kids to be exposed to this.

[00:20:54] They don't need this. They did not need this in their life. They're not going to ever come home and find messages from their grandmother that she's going to kill herself again.

[00:21:02] Damaged Parents: Right. Oh, I couldn't imagine. So you came back to the states, you lived with the aunt and dad and things like that. What was the next step? I mean, and did you do any healing while living with them?

[00:21:13] Helen M Ryan: when I was living with my dad, I did go to therapy, but I didn't find it that helpful. I just. Talking about my problems probably was the wrong therapist. Um, I've over the years, I've kind of healed myself because I really liked to learn about myself. I like to learn about behaviors. I try to be very self-aware understand when I was 18.

[00:21:36] no 17, I'd probably try to 18 right after that. And I was, I started working at Brahms, iced cream and dairy stores. I remember one of my coworkers got mad at me because I didn't square dip. And a certain pattern. And I started saying like immediately, when she got upset with me or something, I started to make excuses and I started to say something about, oh, well I had a really difficult childhood.

[00:21:58] As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I'm like, oh my God, I'm a mother. I will never. Start random excuses that don't make sense to try to, you know, generate sympathy. I will never do that. And so just being aware of these behaviors and when things happen and trying to analyze myself, that was what really helped me through everything.

[00:22:18] Damaged Parents: At that age. So what happened next? you've got kids now, so you must've, there's a, path here somewhere.

[00:22:25] Helen M Ryan: Yeah. After I I had only been here probably a year and a half years. I met my, then my now ex-husband my husband at the time. And so we were together for 20 years. And then we ended up having kids and, I ended up getting divorced. Now it wasn't that it was not a good divorce is very difficult with divorce, but now we get along really well.

[00:22:42] But, you know, I always tried to do things for the kids, so I don't know if that's what you were asking.

[00:22:46] Damaged Parents: Yeah. in, was there healing that had to be done in that, marriage or did it kind of, you get into life and life is going and then healing happened when the divorce happened or where did that, or maybe was a little bit of both. So I don't know.

[00:23:01] Helen M Ryan: Well, in terms of healing happened over time. That was a big chunk of my life, where I was very unhappy and I was trying to live a life. That wasn't me when I was married. I mean, I w I always wanted to have a career or have a business. I did run a business, but I was also raising the kids and it was just, I was very unhappy.

[00:23:19] And I was stuck in a mode of like, I'm unhappy and everything's making me unhappy and nothing's going to change. It was only after my dad, dad died and I started to like making little steps to take care of myself. And I started exercising and years when I first came here, I was a fitness instructor.

[00:23:35] So I just, I love to teach. I love to help people and I love to work, move my body. So when I gained all that weight, I was really overweight for about 15 years. I didn't exercise. I didn't do anything. I was just unhappy. After my father passed away, they decided to just get healthier, perfectly healthier.

[00:23:51] And I started to get stronger. Then I really started to feel confident and I started to realize, you know, I don't suck. When I started teach spin classes and people were like attorneys and all these people who are my students who are like, wow, that's a great class. And I started to realize, you know what, I'm not an idiot.

[00:24:06] I do have some value things that were constantly drilled into me as a kid. I am still a people pleaser. That is a big problem. I always try to make people laugh because I tried to make my mother laugh. My sister laughed cause I was like the comedian. So I still have those issues. I need to work on a very bad with boundaries, but in terms of just. Getting out of that negative space and going back to my core personal, which is usually a happy, outgoing, positive person, like returning to that really made a difference in my life.

[00:24:36] Damaged Parents: And, time getting there and do you think that you found it through the weight journey does that make sense? I'm not sure if that question

[00:24:44] makes sense.

[00:24:46] Helen M Ryan: it's, wasn't so much about the weight. It was about getting physically stronger because there is nothing better for your emotions, for your self-confidence to do something physical that you couldn't do before when you master something, when you can hike really far, I used to go on these group bike rides sometimes early in the morning, I could six on Sundays and the kids were still sleeping and there their dad was sleeping.

[00:25:08] I would go on these big group rides and just. To do something physical that I normally couldn't do. And to build up and continue to hit those little physical milestones that just made the hugest difference to my confidence because when you're always like failing and you're always just nothing new is happening and you're not growing.

[00:25:27] you just stay stagnant, you stay in that negative spot. And when you're doing physical things, you're trying new things and nobody wants to do burpees. I'm not talking about burpees, but if you can, you know, hike or bicycle or swim further, or do pushups that you couldn't do before that sets off the spark inside you, that like I can do this I'm strong enough.

[00:25:48] add the strength that you develop in your. That helps with your internal strengths, because then you realize I can do things I never thought I could do before.

[00:25:56] Damaged Parents: And it sounds like even with that, that childhood, your internal voice was very mean, even though you were this people pleasing. Super want to be helpful. Nice person on the outside, on the inside. It sounds like you were probably too well talking crap

[00:26:14] Helen M Ryan: Yeah. Talking about,

[00:26:16] yeah, there was always something wrong with me. I never finished. I dropped out of high school. I got out of college, I didn't finish things because that was my emo. It's like, self-sabotage, you know, I'm trying to prove that. In fact, everybody's right. I am not like, oh, she's so smart.

[00:26:30] Well she's so well, I also have ADHD knowledge. I finally discovered at the age of 55. So that would have helped at school if I would have been diagnosed earlier, but like she's smart, but she never gets anything done, that just constantly telling myself all your you're not good enough.

[00:26:45] You know, you can't do this and let other people in the family criticize me and, just, people want someone to criticize. And so I was the easy target.

[00:26:54] Damaged Parents: and you probably just took it and internalized it. I'm thinking.

[00:26:57] Helen M Ryan: Yeah, I usually, I ate all my feelings. That's why, because that's what, when my mother was going through all this stuff, I had an eating disorder. I was compulsive overeater and when I was younger, it wasn't a problem because I was active. I would compulsively exercise as well, but food is the only thing that gave me comfort.

[00:27:14] It made me feel good. It made me feel cared for. It made me feel loved. But when you get older, your metabolism changes and then you stop being active and you just keep stuffing your feelings eventually. And then when you gain a lot of weight, then you feel better about yourself because I'll look at me, I'm a loser.

[00:27:30] I can't lose weight because society also puts that on us to, so all that does is put you on this negative spiral and you can't get it off that you can't get out of that negative spiral.

[00:27:39] Damaged Parents: So how did you start stepping out of that negative spiral?

[00:27:43] Helen M Ryan: Well, when I was, when I first came here, I was full of like energy and life. And like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to get journalists going to do all of this stuff. So I was going to college and everything. And then I was teaching group exercise classes back before we needed certifications, everything.

[00:27:58] And then when I got into my marriage, I settled into the. The more supportive role, which they get, I really have no problem with being in a supportive role, but I wasn't doing anything to improve myself. That's when I dropped out of college and I stopped teaching. And that was my, really my fault for just not doing anything for me

[00:28:17] suddenly, it was all about making my spouse happy. It was about, my job, doing this and that and stuff stuck in jobs. I didn't like, I didn't want to be a secretary. I was a creative person. And so I just settled into a life that wasn't me.

[00:28:30] Damaged Parents: Hmm.

[00:28:31] Helen M Ryan: And then I just, after this whole, I can see I got off on a tangent. I forgot what you asked.

[00:28:36] Damaged Parents: That's okay. We were, I think we were going into, how did you heal from that? Or what was the journey to, how did you start healing once you put on the weight?

[00:28:46] Helen M Ryan: And in 2003 was the 2008. Yes. My father developed a breast of lung cancer. My father always stayed here. He never went to Norway. he was a very happy person, but he was not a fighter. . My mother was incredibly intelligent, brilliant in terms of intelligence. My father was very average, but he was just a good person, but he wasn't going to fight for us.

[00:29:08] That's not his MO because he had a difficult childhood. So he left home at 17 or 18 and never looked back. I think that's, it looks like a pattern in our family.

[00:29:17] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:29:18] Helen M Ryan: And then after I had kids, he was, we started a relationship as adults because I went to her when I was eight.

[00:29:24] I didn't really come back until I was 17, three weeks before I turned 18. And he would send me cards, twice a year. And we talked very rarely. No, occasionally I didn't resent him at all. I don't know why. I just wasn't resentful to people. I just accepted life for What it is. You take this and you just deal with what you have.

[00:29:41] But after he died. Cause he was so good with the grandkids, he loved the grandkids. So after he died, I I need to just become healthy. I'm never going to lose weight because I've tried thousands of times and I just can't, but I'm going to start doing something small. So I started walking the kids to school.

[00:29:55] I'm like, okay, well we can do this. Cause it's good for the kids. We get to talk, and then I started to do little things like that. And I was a vegetarian who liked to say this who didn't eat vegetables, fruit.

[00:30:06] Damaged Parents: What did you eat?

[00:30:07] Helen M Ryan: I would say a lot of carbs, a lot of breads, a lot of pastries, a lot of, a lot of ice cream ice cream was everybody went to bed.

[00:30:14] I'd sit there with, you never sit with a gallon of ice cream and a spoon, by yourself at night when everybody's gone to bed. That's that is so deadly because it's so good. I just ice cream is my comfort food. And then I just started to eat, try to eat a little healthier and just. Pretty quick within like a month.

[00:30:30] I'm not really trying to lose weight, just doing little things. I'd lost the weight already. and after three months I started to really like walk more. Then I started to do little workouts in my, living room at five 30 in the morning before the kids got it up. And I'm not a morning person, like 20 minutes, nothing hard.

[00:30:45] After three months, I'd lost 29 pounds without really trying. And that was the point. Then when I got to that point, it lit some kind of fire in me. The fire that I had before, when I was a group exercise instructor. If you're the kind of group exercise and started instructor I am is I'm not there to perform.

[00:31:02] I am there to make people smile, to make people laugh, to help them get healthier, to give them motivation so that I wanted to feel that feeling again. I thought maybe I could teach group exercise again. It's not for the exercise. It is for the connection and to motivate people. And the once I started that idea in my head, that's what I think the healing started.

[00:31:22] Like I could do this. I started to ignite that fire that I had put out

[00:31:27] Damaged Parents: and this was how many years after you left home.

[00:31:30] Helen M Ryan: I left.

[00:31:30] in 1984 and this was in, 2004.

[00:31:33] Damaged Parents: Okay. Okay.

[00:31:34] Helen M Ryan: I don't know how many years does that? 20 or 30. 20 right. 20 years.

[00:31:39] Damaged Parents: 2004 from 1984.

[00:31:42] Yeah.

[00:31:42] So 20 years before you could really start that healing journey did you feel at that point in life that you were in somewhat of a safe place, then like things had calmed down and it would be okay to process through this.

[00:31:57] Helen M Ryan: I think at that point, I felt strong enough to process. I ended up getting divorced, not too long after, because once one personal relationship really changes, that's really hard for that relationship to continue on because the other person is changing and I wanted different things.

[00:32:12] I wanted to learn new things. I wanted to try new things. I didn't want to go on a date, no interest in that I just wanted to, and it was, it was not the best relationship, you know, I guess there were, we get along really well now, and he's married to a guy now and I love this guy. He's amazing. I'm so grateful that he's my kids' stepfather.

[00:32:29] I'm like, okay, this is all good now, I felt like this was time for me to grow. And this is the time for me to take chances. And I was in the mode of star once I conquered. this sounds kind of silly, but I hadn't really been bicycle riding when I was a teenager. I rode my bike everywhere because if I didn't like public transportation.

[00:32:45] And so as a spinning instructor, I think, okay, great. I'm in shape. I'll go with these, my other spinning instructors up bike on the side of the mountain. Right. So I bought a mountain bike and we're, bicycling up this mountain and within 10 minutes, my thighs were failing. Right. But I was determined.

[00:33:00] To bike up this mountain. So we're biking and biking. And this one instructor, he was so nice. He, pushed me when I needed to push. Sometimes I got off and I, walked my bike and I cried and I, I ran out of water and it was a hundred degrees. But by the time I got to that mountain, I was, like, that was like such an incredible challenge.

[00:33:17] It really just changed me. I felt like I had failed in some ways, but I, wasn't a failure. I just overreached too far. And something like that. When you accomplish something, if you go back to school and you graduate and you've been trying and trying and trying so hard, when you accomplish something, you've tried, that's what really, that you tried really hard and you had all these obstacles in the way.

[00:33:39] That's what changes you? I think that's what starts the healing inside is like oh my God, I did this. I can't believe I did this.

[00:33:46] Damaged Parents: Okay. So taking that, bike ride was. Pivotal and you being able to see, oh, I can do this. I am capable. And this is possible.

[00:33:55] Helen M Ryan: Right, exactly.

[00:33:57] Damaged Parents: And maybe in some ways I don't have to be afraid of it. I can. Yeah, because if I can do this mountain, maybe I can do this too.

[00:34:05] Helen M Ryan: exactly. That's the thing once you start. Having little successes somewhere, then you start reaching for other successes and then you start, oh, I could do this. I could do that. I remember when I think, I might've told you about this originally a while ago, but when I was, divorced, it was really hard. I got no child support, no alimony.

[00:34:22] I was struggling. I just trying to run my business. I had little kids, I was cashing in bottles for gas. It was just really rough. And my son think it was for his 12th birthday. I, got a little side gig writing for a magazine in Los Angeles, an online magazine, freelance writing. Cause I always wanted to be a writer.

[00:34:38] And I asked my publisher, I really want to go to this concert with my son for his birthday, but I just can't really afford it. And she goes, well, find the PR people ask them if you can get, a pass. And I'm like, okay. So I did. And I contacted them and, We were getting a nice feel that I got a call for it.

[00:34:52] And then like four hours before the concert. And I was like, okay, didn't even know where we were going, but okay. And then they said, add, so we're good at, we got you in the photo pit, so you're going to be there taking pictures. And I also got an interview with the lead singer of this one band, like, okay.

[00:35:04] Okay. I had no clue. I had asked my ex-husband can I borrow your camera? I didn't even have an camera I didn't know. I was going to take pictures. I thought we were just going to go to the concert and I was going to write about it. And then my son was, we did research. I printed it out and my son was reading me in the car about the band I was supposed to interview.

[00:35:20] We go to the back area. We my son and, I walk on to the we're sitting with a group. We walk onto the tour bus and I don't even have a voice recorder. I'm too poor. I remember the lead singer for the bravery. He said, oh, you don't have a recorder that sucks for you. And I go, no, no. I, I like to take notes.

[00:35:36] I was faking the whole thing. I was in the photo pit and the Lincoln Park came on. I don't know if you've heard of the band. I love Lincoln Park. So they were the second band and I was there in the photo pit. I'm watching the photographers to see what they're doing. My ex had a really good camera. And then I was over at this one spot where no one else was on.

[00:35:52] I'm like, oh, this is great. And then I hear the few notes of this next song. So I'm going off a tangent and then suddenly the lights, the little lights come on. And I look, and there's a gigantic speaker, right by me like bigger than me. And I'm like, that's why nobody's here. And then the music came on. I almost like blew backwards and I'm like, but it's like, so now when I hear that song, I'm like, oh no.

[00:36:10] Oh no. but that experience like normally the old me would've said, oh no, no, I'm sorry, I can't do this. But then I'm like, I don't have a camera. I have no idea who this other band is. I got to go interview. I've never done this before. And I'm like, you know, what's the worst that can happen.

[00:36:25] Oh, I look like a fool who cares and I pulled it up. that was like, oh my God, eventually I ended up taking photos of kiss and all these other bands. I'm like, God, this is so cool. just I did it to do it because I saw a chance and I said, okay.

[00:36:40] Almost nothing was going to kill me. What's the worst that can happen

[00:36:43] Damaged Parents: Ooh, I love that. That's beautiful. Almost. Nothing's going to kill me. What's the worst that's going to happen.

[00:36:48] Helen M Ryan: because I've already been through the worst.

[00:36:50] Damaged Parents: you had been through hell. It sounds like. So gosh, it was like, Providence, maybe like it just happened and because you were willing, that was all it took.

[00:37:00] Helen M Ryan: ' cause after my dad died, I realized I got to start doing some of the things I wanted to do in my life. So that was the first summer or the first time, because think he died at August and I went to the beach in a bathing suit. I'm five feet tall. It was over 200 pounds. First time I went to the beach, a bathing suit because I don't care if you don't like the way I look don't look at me.

[00:37:20] Nobody looked at me. Guess what? Nobody cared. Nobody judged me. Like what I could have been doing this all along. I gave up so much of my kids' childhood. Oh, I can't go in a bathing suit. You know? It's like, that was so freeing I'm like, I don't care anymore. What's the worst that can happen. Oh, you know, I just like flip that switch.

[00:37:35] I'm like, who cares? Let's just experience things. Even if we fail.

[00:37:38] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. That reminds me of the Samuel Beckett quote about failure. I think it's I know at the end it's fail again, fail better, you know,

[00:37:47] Helen M Ryan: Yeah.

[00:37:48] Damaged Parents: it's like, try fail fail again. I think, you know, just keep failing. It's okay. We'll just keep failing better.

[00:37:55] Helen M Ryan: That's what let's see. Robert Kiyosaki wrote in that rich dad, poor dad.

[00:38:00] He wrote,

[00:38:00] he was a sales person for Xerox and he called his rich dad, which was his friend's dad. And he's like, I keep failing it. Wasn't a fail faster. So the more calls you make, the more failures you have, the better you'll get at the phone calls.

[00:38:12] And that's I read this later, but I'm like, that makes sense. Fail fast or do things even if you fail, who cares? Try again.

[00:38:18] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that true? Thank you so much, Helen M. Ryan, I gotta get the M in there. No, but really thank you, Helen. This has been a beautiful conversation.

[00:38:31] if someone is in the throws of. Gosh, I don't know any of those struggles, what would be the top three things I'm thinking fail fast, but you know, what are the top three things that you would say, maybe try this now.

[00:38:46] Helen M Ryan: Do one thing for you that you want to do it, you obviously, you can't randomly go and shoot pictures from the photo pit, but there is something that we gave up when we were younger that we wanted to do. If you want to be a writer. Start writing for other people I made $11 an hour when I was a writer.

[00:39:04] Like I didn't care because I was getting experienced. Do something. If you want to dance, take a dance class. Don't just say, oh, my time is gone. Do something for you that will light that fire inside something. One little thing. Even if you have kids in a life and you're busy do one thing for you

[00:39:21] Damaged Parents: Yeah, and fail

[00:39:23] and

[00:39:23] fail and fail

[00:39:24] a lot. I'm just going to add two more.

[00:39:27] Helen M Ryan: And then don't be, don't worry about what other people think of you. Their opinion does not matter. Other people's opinions who cares if people don't like you, who cares? If people think you're ugly, who cares? If people think, you're stupid because you're not, you're not ugly.

[00:39:41] You're not stupid. Their opinion doesn't matter. People will attack you if they're threatened by you. don't at all care what people say.

[00:39:48] Damaged Parents: Yeah. It's like, you don't even have to engage at that

[00:39:52] Helen M Ryan: Exactly. People will say negative things because that's who they are. don't listen to it.

[00:39:56] Damaged Parents: Yeah, well, everyone, this was Helen M. Ryan. You can find her on Instagram, @realhelenmryan. She's also the midlife crisis traveler and on Facebook that @imperfectlyhealthy.group is where you can find her in her blog is https://realworldweightloss.com. Thanks again, Helen. It's been fantastic.

[00:40:17] Helen M Ryan: Thank you.

[00:40:18] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Helen about how she found her value. We especially liked when she spoke about how she was doing on her social media fast, and also how it wasn't perfect to unite with other damaged people. Connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents.

[00:40:44] We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See ya then!