S2E57: Self-care as a Parent with an Autistic Child

Gary Martinez. Jr. helps parents with children who have autism and may be suffering from burnout use self-care strategies. He shares his journey on how he helps his daughter.

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Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where strong, protective, supportive people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is you. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.

You who stares directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover your purpose. You are the people who inspire me to be more fully me, not in spite of my trials, but because of them let's hear from another hero.

Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Gary Martinez Jr. He has many roles in his life, father, business person, and more. We'll talk about how his daughter has autism and suffered a crime and how he's helping her find health and healing. Let's talk.

 Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Gary Martinez Jr. That Jr. Super important. We were talking about before we started the show. I will explain that shortly. Gary is this really cool guy that has a daughter who also happens to have autism. And after she was a victim of a crime, there was a new routine. Gary, you can find him on Facebook. He's in fact, he says Facebook is probably the easiest place to find him just type in Gary Martinez Jr make sure yeah. The junior or you will find an abundance of Gary Martinez's he's also on YouTube and you can find him on TikTok. @GaryMartinezJr2017, all one word.

And I think we've got almost all of it there. do we, what did I miss? I missed something

[00:02:52] Gary Martinez: Did we say Instagram

[00:02:54] Damaged Parents: Instagram Instagram is Gary_Martinez_Jr see, this is how it goes. Sometimes Gary teamwork makes the dream work. Right.

[00:03:04] Gary Martinez: Exactly.

[00:03:06] Damaged Parents: Well, so you've got a child with autism and it's not a boy, which is great. And I say that in that I feel like there's been this big movement lately about girls with struggling or at least women struggling with autism am I is my pulse off and I just missed it altogether.

[00:03:27] Gary Martinez: Nah, you're good with that. We were diagnosed a little later in our age and I learned as I was just learning about our condition that sometimes it's because you are a girl and sometimes not all, but some doctors may say, well, they're just being a girl. That's why they're kind of late coming around with all their, traits.

And I thought that may have been the case in the beginning with us, because at that time my stepdaughter was two years older and when she was little, it took her longer to come around to it. So I was like, could be but then found out it was not. And then I just kind of learned that those traits right there, sometimes they can misdiagnosed and, not make that decision until later because you're a girl and that's missed opportunity because you want help.

As soon as you can, when you notice something is not going your kid as far

as yeah. Like the validating and playing and looking at you when you call their name and those simple sort of things that that we do as kids.

[00:04:33] Damaged Parents: Now autism, if I remember correctly is one where they're pretty normal up until 18 months or two years or so. And then there's, a change, right? There's something that shifts like they're just not with the gross spurt anymore.

[00:04:45] Gary Martinez: Well, yeah, like I, at a young age like that, if you can detect signs that your kid is different just wanting to play by themselves, like in isolation mode, don't want to play with nobody don't want to answer to their name, simple things like that as it's kind of like a, that's a red flag that something is.

Going on. It's a little different with our, child. And yeah, if you can, detect that at that young age, it opens up the door to start to get that intervention stuff that you need to help out your kiddo.

[00:05:15] Damaged Parents: Right. How frustrating was it for you as a parent of a female autistic child at this point to deal with the, well, it's just, she's developing later because she's a girl. Did you start questioning yourself as a parent? Did you have insecurities that went along with that

[00:05:33] Gary Martinez: Oh, yeah. Like when we were diagnosed at that age, before we started the services, I felt like a failure. I felt like. you know because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know these words like autism, sensory processing disorder or something else we also live with. I was like, I don't know what that stuff means.

And at that same time during that time, my daughter was having these meltdowns were at that time. She didn't know how to talk. So she couldn't talk at that time. So she couldn't express herself. So what she would do consistently was throw herself on the ground. Arch her back, so hard, like a rocking chair and she would scream, you know, she would cry.

She would turn red, she would hit on herself. She would bang on the floor because she could not communicate. And I'm just like, looking there, clueless, helpless. Didn't know what to do. And is what I said earlier? You know, it just felt like a big, huge failure. and then there was changed with that.

[00:06:30] Damaged Parents: So when you found out how helpful was that in, just, was it a relief that.

oh, it's what we're dealing with.

[00:06:40] Gary Martinez: I had those questions though. Did I do something wrong? I had those going on for a while, running wild in my head. It just, occupied the space in my head. But then, like you said, you know, when we were diagnosed with our conditions, Given our first steps, which was intervention was that was like the light down the road down.

All right. Now we're going to get some how to learn, how I can help, my daughter out. So that was the starting point for that.

[00:07:05] Damaged Parents: Now did you have to like keep taking her to the doctor being like, Hey, something just, we're not connecting. I mean, what happened? What was your journey like as far as with finally going from no diagnosis to diagnosis?

[00:07:18] Gary Martinez: Um, What I've learned is like a lot of doctors didn't want to be the one to press the button. So you will get referred to specialists, to specialists, to this person, to that person. So it was like a, a circle of places we had to go to before they made that decision. So, you know, it was again like, just like, oh man, like. What's going on here, because then you start to notice the traits that my daughter was having. Like, her eyes would roll back to her head and things like that. And I learned that down just a little bit down the road of those are actually kind of like mini facial seizures. So there's this a lot to process, a lot going on the nerves were like, not helping because they were in panic mode.

[00:08:01] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Now were both parents working and what was the care situation like for her?

[00:08:06] Gary Martinez: At that time, I was married to her mother and I was working. Let's see. At that time I was just working. I was working regular nine to five and then shortly, shortly after that, I made a game-changer move was like, you know what? I want to start working for myself because your nine to five will not give you pay time off when you need to go to services that are mandatory for your kid.

So that was a stress. So by taking a leap of faith and, wanting to work for myself it took a little transition time, but it's what I wanted to do to give that extra attention how the flexibility in my schedule and to also not lose money by being a parent who's helping their child.

[00:08:46] Damaged Parents: Right. so you were out of the household. Was mom able to stay at home and care for the child? Or was she also working at that time? I think what I'm trying to figure out is, if both parents were out of the household, then if there was a third party involved that was able to go, oh yeah, there is a problem.

Or maybe there wasn't someone else involved. So then you guys are kind of floundering maybe a little bit on your own. So I'm just trying to get an idea of, you know, cause this is the story in my head, which I've learned most of the time, my stories aren't right. And sometimes I get it kind of close. So I just want to hear it from you.

[00:09:19] Gary Martinez: I am not a hundred percent. If mom at that time was working part-time or full-time, but I will say this, like at that time, when it was all brand spanking new, you feel alone because you feel like this is something that not a typical family goes through. So I learned that that's how the majority of us parents feel when our kid is diagnosed with something that we know nothing about.

And you feel like you're alone and no one can relate to you can resonate or help you. But then I learned later that, you know, if you search for groups, support groups around town or on social media, then you can start to find other parents who can, who has similarity in your stories.

And then you can start to take a load off and, learn some things from others who are, a step ahead and are getting some things done for their care. That that are things that you want also done for your kids. So it's good to get into a network or in a circle of people.

[00:10:14] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I would think that's really important in any struggle is finding your tribe, right? But I think it's, really hard because a lot of times at the beginning of the struggle, we don't even know what to look for. Like and then I'm thinking with the clinicians not wanting to make a diagnosis, you were saying, you felt like you went into to all these different places that no one really wanted to push the button.

that almost makes it harder because there's this confusion. And it's like, well, what kind of support do I need?

[00:10:42] Gary Martinez: Yeah. So like you said, it's kind of like that picture like, you know, I would stay in like a hotel, you walk into one of those revolving doors is kind of felt like that. Like you said, as far as with the health professionals. But uh, then when we did get the first step, as far as going to interventions, that's where you have the opportunity.

You have three ways you can drop your kid off, come back in an hour, sit in a waiting room for an hour, or you can go into session. When I went into uh, the sessions I went in there, like a student, I took my notebook, I took my pen I asked a lot of questions cause I wanted to learn. I wanted to know, I don't want to not know. I wanted to know. So I was a pest, but there are so positive to help us that I started to read a lot of books by myself.

I started to read articles. I did a lot of things like in myself homework I sit up very late in the wee hours to start to learn what I was being taught at the sessions, because your kid stays with you the most, so bring it home. It was like, bring it all home and just, implement what we were learning at the, therapy places.

And then read more on my own make time, because you don't have time. So I may have time. And then things started to click.

[00:11:51] Damaged Parents: So it started to click for you and for your daughter. Like, Did things get easy?

[00:11:58] Gary Martinez: What, did help was like, you know, our first two therapies were occupational therapy where you're learning about the body and, you know, it's how to make it connect with your brain and how to be aware of your senses. So you can learn things that are hard for them at the time, like tie shoe was hard.

Uh, Holding utensil was hard My daughter was scared to walk at that time. That was hard to walk on the earth. So we learned a lot of activities that helped her speech therapy. We had to do some like warm up. We had to kind of warm up the mouth, the jaw and tongue with some exercises, cause we couldn't talk to start to build strength

and then she would teach what she had to teach for the learning part of speech. So it was those tools right there. And then we went to, I went one step further where I started networking. Cause I said, I went into work for myself and I met some very nice people that had their business in town a service for the brain.

And there was a 10 sessions that we had to take each session, worked at different part of the brain. So what I learned was like, your brain is stuck when your brain is stuck in places, you're not going to be, as functional in all your areas of life.

[00:13:06] Damaged Parents: So, hold on are you talking about like your daughter's brain is stuck? Are you also including yourself as our brains get stuck too? I'm just wondering.

[00:13:16] Gary Martinez: Okay. Yeah, it's a service for anybody. Cause we all, we're all stuck somewhere in our brain and there's, there is something that we're all going through. You know, It could be PTSD, it could be a lot of different things. You know, Someone could have uh, been in an accident, but for us, we went there for what we needed.

So we went there, you know, cause she was high anxiety. Stressed very hyperactive and we couldn't talk. So when we went there, it was about the third or four sessions. A lot of those things started to drop because we start to get flexibility in different parts of our brain. And then at that third or fourth session, my daughter, Monica sang her first song.

So she, did that shortly after that milestone. She said our very first complete sentence. So that was a game changer with everything else where now we're moving the needle. Now she can talk. Now she expressing she's expressing interest and things that she likes, but she can say it. So, you know, That led to us singing songs at the playground and starting conversations and getting to know each other and building a relationship so we can use all those tools to make it our own routine.

[00:14:24] Damaged Parents: Yeah, it sounds like while her struggle, it also became the family struggle and that everyone got to learn and grow. not just her.

[00:14:33] Gary Martinez: Exactly. You know, I am today and I've always been an introvert, but. I became a parent. And then, you know, Monica was diagnosed with her conditions. I had to break out of that shell and become a new person that had to evolve. And then as my daughter was starting to learn things now because she can talk. What I learned that she liked it was music at first that she loves so if you would, uh, sing part of a song with her or talk about it, it made her feel comfortable and safe. So that became our anchor.

So we use her anchor, uh, like a warmup before you do a workout before every transition in our day. If we have to go to the store to the park where we have to go as a transition, if we listened to a song. It helped her feel more comfortable and not scared of the world So it was more of a fluid transition going from this place to that place.

So music was the star. And then later on, we found out it was Disney characters and that's every day now.

[00:15:31] Damaged Parents: Oh, wow. Now, so it sounds like you got into pretty much a good schedule have you learned what you needed to do? And then there was music, but also, you know, as we said, at the beginning of the podcast, there was a, there she's a victim of a crime and then everything changed. So.

I'm thinking you kind of figured it out and something happened. Tell us what that was like.

[00:15:55] Gary Martinez: Right. So we've, so we created that routine and we're like, BFF, best friends forever, uh, doing these things every single day on a repetitive basis, because that's what truly helps her. And then, you know, she was a victim of a crime not too long ago here. I can't go into a lot of specific details, but you know, this happened to her and when it did, she thought it was all her fault.

Now she doesn't know of course everything, but because some items, of hers were taken away for that main reason right there, she believes it's her fault. So what that did to her was it traumatized her where she became sensitive to everything in the environment and the littlest things would trigger her And before that. I was very good at helping her when she was having a rough moment. But because of this incident, it kind of magnified when she was going to have a moment that was harder to help her come out of it. So it would go on for, a longer period of time and she, just couldn't come out of it easy.

So I had to learn that I had to go back to scratch to our beginning days. And just be more patients, be more understanding and to do even extra what we usually do. Like extra massages or pressure that our body craves, that she likes, extra paying attention to, talking about these Disney characters a movie, a specific line in the movie that she really likes to keep her positive and to kind of, it took a lot of mindset work, a lot of talking when she would finish, when she would have, an episode to talk it out, to get that noise out of the head, to let her know it's not your fault. when you're having a moment, you're just not yourself, but you know, we will continue to work on it. So it's just taken a little longer. It's taking her more time to come out of a, moment now, but we've actually been working so hard on that, that it's getting a little more simple.

[00:17:57] Damaged Parents: When a child has a temper tantrum. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is, be okay with it in that moment. Right? Like it's, so much easier to be like, oh my gosh, why are they struggling right now? And can't we fix this and want to fix it now with that said, I mean, did you also learn new tools about allowing or giving her the room to have those, moments.

[00:18:22] Gary Martinez: Right. So one thing that comes to me right away is that now that she's a little different with their demeanor. Is that a lot of things that she can do that she did pretty much no problem. Before this happened, she needs help now because she can't do all those things. So I have to like, remember that and say like, oh, usually she would, pick up after herself or she'll remember this, or she remember to do that, but I have to stop and say, but that's not the case

right now. Things are different. So you're going to have to pick up whatever for her. You're going to have to give her more reminder cues and just things like that to help her until as long as it takes for her to do some of those things back on her own. So it's, all about her. It just is a good reminder for me that, Hey, this is why, and you're going to have to adjust to that and just give her that extra support that she needs.

[00:19:14] Damaged Parents: it sounds like it would be a really great life lesson on so many different levels. You know, Whether it's with her. I mean, how has this affected how you deal with people in life that might be in a place where they just can't, you know, and there may be having a temper tantrum or what have you.

[00:19:33] Gary Martinez: Yeah, well, there is always a plus the thing there's always a lesson learned and everything. So it just taught me to have more patience, be a better listener, be a better communicator, be more thoughtful and caring for others. So, Learning that, learning to do that at home with Monica, I'm using that to carry over into everything I do in personal and work life to do that with all relationship.

[00:19:58] Damaged Parents: Right And what have you noticed about that?

[00:20:00] Gary Martinez: Um, That it circles back to you, you know, the way you give that energy to others, it's pretty much going to circle back to you. So it was a good reminder about the little things in life that if you do one extra nice gesture for somebody, it can help them in a big way in their day to have a better day and turn their frown upside down

[00:20:24] Damaged Parents: so do you, would you say you're better equipped to handle maybe an adult struggling now that you've had this experience with, Monica

[00:20:35] Gary Martinez: yes, because when you go through those struggles, you learn a lot about yourself. You know, You have two choices. Can I keep it together or will I fall apart? And this has taught me to how that no equip mentality on others. So the struggles are good experiences, to come out of it where you learn how to keep it together so you can help somebody because you never know what somebody's going through.

There's always somebody going through a bigger struggle than you. So keep that in mind and give them your best.

[00:21:07] Damaged Parents: It sounds like With each struggle comes a chance to practice. I think that's a little bit of what I hear you saying.

[00:21:14] Gary Martinez: Yeah. So we even summarize everything. What I love about my daughter she's first of all, she's a loving, caring, fun person to be around. She makes friends everywhere cause she has her series of questions for people. when we're out and about and it's just that she will say, hey dad, I'm sorry that I was doing this and this.

And I'm like, it's okay, Monica. And the fact that she admits something is big right there because I told her it's okay. I was like, we all make mistakes. And I like to share my mistakes with her and with both my kids to let them know that we just learned from them.

We can either stay stuck in our mistakes. We can learn and grow with them. So I'm just like super proud of her for her. progression in everything.

[00:21:59] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I think with kids it's man, kids are a struggle in and of themselves. Right. Would you, would you say it's fair? What would you say about the comment, my children have taught me who I am.

[00:22:12] Gary Martinez: Right. Good question. Good question. they're my best teachers and I just learned so much from them that just because they're a younger age to me, that doesn't mean nothing it's you got to respect, you gotta respect everybody. And it's just so fun to watch them grow and do things for themselves.

Cause I, want her to do things for herself, so she wants help with something and I know she can find the solution for it, or just give her a clue because I want her to think for herself into be that problem solver so she can gain confidence and independence. So, The same thing goes for my son and they have good spirits all that right there.

So it is, teaching me to, what's the word I want to say. It teaches me to keep things simple when helping people with a skill or something like that.

[00:23:04] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And it almost sounds like what I hear you saying on some level or what came to me is sometimes you're the teacher and sometimes you're the student and sometimes they're the teacher and sometimes they're the student.

[00:23:17] Gary Martinez: That's so true. Like I did a recent challenge and one of our challenges was to break something in your routine, your ritual. So I said to each kid I was like all right. Monica you're going to pick what we do for today. You're the boss you're in charge. So she picked what she wanted to do. And we did. I wanted to give them that, I want to give them that responsibility.

And then my son, same thing for him, but what he wants to do, we can't do it right at this moment because of the weather is a little cold, but that was something that I did different. I felt I know it made them feel good to be in charge and have that responsibility. And we just all went with it

[00:23:54] Damaged Parents: They're in charge for a day. And everyone gets do with that child wants to do, is that what it is?

[00:23:59] Gary Martinez: like a place they wanted to go a place they wanted to eat at. And we'll say one thing they wanted to do when we got home a bit something for the family to do, or, they wanted help with the project that they wanted to do

[00:24:12] Damaged Parents: And then everybody got to, help out or participate in that.

[00:24:15] Gary Martinez: Right. So just spending that face to face time with each other and, keeping those devices down and just enjoying the moment with each other.

[00:24:23] Damaged Parents: Yeah, it sounds like exposing the different people to different, I think that even though we're in family, sometimes we forget we don't know all of who that person is and all of what their interests are. And so it sounds to me like you're setting up kind of a really great in some ways, experiment to see, you know, if one child likes it and another one doesn't, or maybe they both like it, maybe you don't like it, Maybe everybody likes it.

And I think that sounds like a really neat thing to do because we aren't the same just because we're in the family. It doesn't mean we all think or believe the same things.

[00:24:59] Gary Martinez: Yeah. Yeah. That's well said because it's you can learn something like, oh, I never knew. I liked that until we did that. That was a great idea. So yeah, it was like that type of attitude right there

[00:25:10] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:25:11] Gary Martinez: it's. what that's all about.

[00:25:13] Damaged Parents: Well, and giving Monica the ability to lead on those days, instead of assuming that she can't or she's, like giving her that room, it just it makes me think of the Temple Grandin movie. I don't know if you've seen that one. I'm trying to remember what it was called because she she's the one who came up with the cow runs or whatever.

Right. But she wouldn't have been able to do that. Had she not had the tools to get to that point. She did, but she also had tremendous amount of support. And it's funny because I think also in society, we think that it's only these people who struggled that need that support. And my perception is, is shifting sure, if Monica is going through this struggle and you're part of that journey and you also need support.

And so it's this community of, we all get to support each other, regardless of the struggle

[00:26:06] Gary Martinez: yeah. And I liked that analogy that pops in my head right now, which is you can go fast alone, which should go further together. So it's like going through the struggle solving problems and then doing things that we each like to do. Or I made it clear at then I was like, no, it can't be nothing that I like nothing that your brother or sister likes.

It's all you, You have that power. So it's another thing about showing when you have that power, that responsibility, how do you use it? And so it was, it's a good life skill

[00:26:37] Damaged Parents: Yeah, life lesson too

[00:26:39] Gary Martinez: to do. Yeah. All those ingredients right there.

[00:26:42] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So if there were three things, tips or tools that you would want another parent with someone who has, autism, like if someone came to you. Maybe there at those very beginning stages where they're not even sure, or maybe it's a little further down the line. What are three tools or tips you would say, Hey, try this.

[00:27:01] Gary Martinez: How would say, Probably go online to Amazon or somewhere, find a book that resonates with you, with your kid. Or if you're not a bookie, then find a podcast because a podcast just like right here, you can learn so much about something. So one of those tools right there and then once you learn or know like one of their favorite things to do, like their special interests that I do on a daily basis, time-block yourself

even if it's just 15 minutes, that's a start and do that with them because that's a good icebreaker to just learn even more about your child. So when that happens a lot, at least what I've learned with my experience is that they want you to be more involved with them and they'll show you something.

So it's a good learning tool right there in and out last, what I would say is to live each day to the fullest. So make sure you take care of yourself parents before your kid wakes up, or when they're going to bed to do some type of self care for yourself to take care of you first. So when your kid wakes up, you have that energy to give them, to give them your best.

So don't forget about you. Give yourself that, that love also back to yourself.

[00:28:10] Damaged Parents: That's self-love. It's so easy to forget.

[00:28:13] Gary Martinez: Yeah.

[00:28:14] Damaged Parents: Gary Martinez Jr. Thank you so much for being on the show. You can find Gary on Instagram, Gary_Martinez_Jr. On YouTube Gary Martinez Jr. Tik Tok @GaryMartinezJr2017. And of course on Facebook, any last words before we close out the show Gary?

[00:28:34] Gary Martinez: Just, When there's tough times Don't look at a day like you're starting to have a tough moment. It's a tough moment. Don't say it's going to be a tough day and learn how to solve that tough moment. So you can enjoy the rest of your day. And just that way you're, building, that competence that whenever you do have, because life's just going to keep coming at you.

Tough roads that you're equipped to handle it

[00:29:02] Damaged Parents: Yeah, the journey is the destination, right? Yeah. We'll close on a cliche.

[00:29:09] Gary Martinez: sounds good.

[00:29:10] Damaged Parents: Thanks so much, Gary, for coming on this show, it's been a pleasure.

[00:29:14] Gary Martinez: Very welcome. Thanks for having me on.

[00:29:16] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents we've really enjoyed talking to Gary about how he is finding better ways of doing things for his daughter we especially liked when he spoke with an abundance of love for her. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on facebook look for damaged parents will be here next week still relatively damaged see you then