S2E29: How I learned I was Not My Thoughts
My name is Lindsay Berman, I am a proud husband and Dad and also an educator, trauma/transformation coach and counsellor, author, artist and photographer.
I have been a social worker on and off for the last 14 years and I have been coaching for the last 3 years.
Social media and contact information: 1) LinkedIn- https://linkedin.com/in/lindsay-b-64262673 2) Facebook – Lindsay Steven – Facebook - Men’s Trauma Recovery Group –
Podcast transcript
[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where head bumping, dizzy, wholesome people come to learn. Maybe just maybe were all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something, made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.
Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me. To be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials. But because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Lindsay Berman. He has many roles in his life. Husband dad, brother, son, uncle sibling, and more. We'll talk about how he hit his head and it changed his life and how he found health and healing let's talk
Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Lindsay Berman with this. He is a proud husband, dad, also an educator, a trauma transformation coach and counselor, author, artist, and photographer. He's not short on the things he can do. He's been a social worker on and off for the past 14 years. And he's been coaching specifically for the last three Lindsey. Welcome to the show.
[00:02:38] Lindsay Berman: Thank you so much for having me, Angela.
[00:02:40] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Well, I just think it's fascinating that not only have you experienced trauma, but that's your specialty. I mean, maybe perhaps as we go through your trauma, we will understand, like, maybe the journey of how you decided to go into that work with other people.
As we tell your story, or as you telling your story, not as I tell your story, I don't know your story.
[00:03:04] Lindsay Berman: No you don't. Okay. I had a pretty traumatic brain experience in January of 2019. I smashed the crown of my head into a small nail protruding out of a two by four in the crawl space. And it hurt a lot. I'm not gonna lie. It was probably the most severe head pain I've ever felt in my life.
And what ended up happening was I started getting really bad headaches and I was at work one day teaching and I was walking down the hallway on my way to the photocopy room.
And I looked down and the floor was on like a bit of a 45 degree angle. And when I noticed that I was also was aware that I was feeling a little bit lightheaded, not dizzy a little bit light headed, so something seemed off. So I went into the office. I said you know what something's not right. I already told you about my injury.
I'm going to take myself to hospital. Just got myself, checked out, went to the hospital. I had a CT scan that came back fine, which I anticipated because I didn't think there was any actual brain damage, but I since learned that any of the symptoms that I felt or still I'm feeling can't be seen on an MRI.
So, I've been dealing with short-term memory issues, processing issues, executive functioning issues, but none of that's going to show up on an MRI,
[00:04:14] Damaged Parents: just real quick, the nail didn't go into
[00:04:17] Lindsay Berman: it didn't go in, but it, just kind of scraped my scalp..
Because what happened was after the initial impact, I went to feel, I'm like, oh, that really hurt. And I brought my hand down those little bit of blood and my wife said to me, oh, she goes, will you cut it on the wood and I said, I don't think so. I said the woods really smooth.
And a couple of days later, I went back down very carefully. And I noticed there was a tiny little piece of like a cut piece of two by four with about six or seven nails in it. But there was one nail who was protruding just a little bit. So I said to myself, I must've hit my head there. That would explain the cut on the top of my scalp.
It was like a dent. It was there for like eight months. So I went back to work. This was on a Friday, went back to work on the Monday and struggled.
[00:05:02] Damaged Parents: Are we back to before the MRI or after the MRI?
[00:05:06] Lindsay Berman: Sorry. So I went, I had a CT scan and when they said everything was fine, I went back to work on the following Monday and things just got progressively worse. So I made an appointment to see my family doctor. And I ended up seeing someone else in the clinic because he was off, but they basically said to me like, you have a concussion, why are you going to work?
I said I didn't know. I had a concussion. I'm not a doctor. So I took time off. So this was, I guess the end of January of 2019. Early April I try to go by. Just for like one period. I'm a special education teacher. So I teach like a developmentally delayed kids and kids with autism and stuff like that.
Anyways, after the third day, my EA was saying to me, my educational system was same. She's like, know, I dunno why you're here. She's like, you are not ready to come back. And I said, you're right. I said, but I wouldn't have known until I tried. So I went and spoke to the principal. I told them, you know what, I'm not ready.
I went and saw a neurologist two weeks later and they said to me, your depressed you to go back to work. And I said, Well, I just finished telling you I was at work two weeks ago and I couldn't even handle one period. I said, so I don't think I'm ready to go back to work. Well, I don't think you're listening to me.
And I said, I don't actually think you're listening to me respectfully. I said, so why don't we just end the meeting? And I told my family doctor that I was not impressed with that neurologist because I felt like he had his own agenda and maybe I was depressed, but I also was definitely not ready to go back to work because.
All my symptoms were now becoming exponentially worse. The headaches were, you know, sometimes lasting six or seven hours a day. The short-term memory was being affected. The processing was being affected. The executive function, balance, focus coordination. I just, wasn't in a good space. And certainly not able to show up for my students at even 80%.
Nevermind. 100% not even show up at 80%, which I didn't feel was fair to them. So I took the rest of that semester off. So 2019, I continued. So I ended up taking the entire year off for 2019 and the first part of 2020. 2021 I went back into the classroom only to be told a month later that I was now moving online.
So that was a huge adjustment after being off for a year and then trying to get my feet wet and get back on the groove. Anyways, long story short, The year online. I got through it. It was challenging, but I kind of pushed myself maybe more than I should've, but I finished it. This past September, I went back into the classroom again, after the fourth day, I was like, no, I cannot do this.
[00:07:34] Damaged Parents: This is all just from a bump on the head.
[00:07:37] Lindsay Berman: Yeah, but I mean, I hit that. I hit that two by four. Like it wasn't just like a tap like, I think what happened was, cause I've gone under that crawl space before. And I think what happened was I was walking and I wasn't paying attention and next thing I knew just boom. So I hit it pretty hard. I won't, I won't drop any F-bombs but I'll just say I hit it really hard.
So anyways, so I went back in the classroom after the fourth day, I was like, you know what? It's too much between the visual stimulus, the noise, the lights, trying to teach the five students in my class simultaneously trying to teach two kids online at the same time, all the background noise, all the conversations.
I have a wonderful student, who's autistic, big boy. Very sweet. But very noisy and I know he has no control over that. So between all of those things, I was just like, I can't do this. I feel like my head's going to explode.
[00:08:29] Damaged Parents: when you were in that classroom, thinking this, and you're working with people who are struggling all the time in this quote unquote normal world. I mean, was there ever this feeling of, I should be able to handle this or were you able to give yourself grace?
[00:08:44] Lindsay Berman: I'll be honest with you. So the first three days, that's what I kept telling myself you should be able to do this quit finding excuses. And then on that fourth day, when I was driving home, I said to myself, you know, give yourself a little bit of Graceland. So you'd like, you haven't been in the class.
You haven't physically been in the classroom for a year and a half and it's too much. So don't be a martyr like you like your body's telling you you came home, you thought your head was going to explode. So you need to actually honor where you're at. And, be gracious with yourself and, honor what .
Your body's telling you, you're not ready for this. So you need to get out of your head and listen to your body. So that's what I did.
[00:09:21] Damaged Parents: how hard or how easy was that for you to do.
[00:09:25] Lindsay Berman: It wasn't easy because I was actually at a brand new school. And so I kind of thought I felt a little bit guilty initially, because I was like, well, they took me in and then I had to take time off. And then I went online. So it wasn't really part of their school anymore. And now I'm coming back and I'm asking them to go off again.
But after I finished going through all that, monkey mind conversation in my head, I said to myself, you know what, like, You're not making excuses. You're being realistic. You are not ready. So I decided, you know what? I've got nothing to hide. I'm a very secure grown man. Yeah I have my issues like everybody else, but I was like, I can talk to my principal in person.
I don't need to send them an email. So I set up a zoom call with them and I said, listen, it's not that I don't want to work. This is where I'm at. I said, I feel I'm showing up right now at about 25 or 30%. And that's the best I can show up with. I said, that's not fair to my students. It's not fair to them.
It's not fair to the parents. Not fair to my colleagues. I said, so again, it's not that I don't want to work. I'm not ready to be back and serve my students in the capacity that I really need to. And ideally not that a hundred percent, I'd be happy with 95. 30 and 95, we've got 65% there. That's not on my side.
Right. So they were fine with that. my principal actually suggests to me, he said, you know, I would say, take off the semester. So that's what I did. So I've been off since September and I'm not sure what's going to happen because I spoke with them about two weeks ago. And I said is there any chance you can place me somewhere else in the school?
I said, because nothing's really changed, but maybe you can put me somewhere where there's not as much planning and marketing and stuff like that. And he said, I'm sorry, we have nothing available for you under, that umbrella. And I said, okay. I said, I just thought I'd ask. So I'm not sure what's going to happen.
Now, my gut says to me, I'm probably going to be off for the rest of the term. And then I guess I'm going to have to speak with the union and find out from them. Can they place me somewhere else for September of 2022? And if they can't then I guess I'm looking at early retirement. I mean, unless things drastically change, I've got to deal with the reality,
[00:11:29] Damaged Parents: Yeah. It's just gotta be kind of frustrating. I say kind of what I would think that living in this, I don't know what's going to happen next could be a little scary.
[00:11:42] Lindsay Berman: Frustrating, I think would be more ideal for me. I'm not scared because I'm acutely aware that whatever happens is meant to happen like, there are certain things we control and there's certain things we don't, and I'm a firm believer in, timing is everything. So if it's my time to step away, then it's my time to step away.
And I'm sure you'll agree with me, although we don't know each other that well, but, everything happens for a reason. We don't always know why, but if one door closes then maybe another door will open. So I'm trying my best to just be realistic and say, you know what don't think about, don't think about the worst.
Don't think about the best, just wait until you have the conversation need to have and whatever that outcome is, you'll deal with it. You've been through much worse. So there's nothing to get frustrated or worried or anxious or stressed out about because at the end of the day, there's only so much I can control and the rest is up to the union and whatever school, may or may not be able to accommodate me coming in and in a different position.
So I'm gonna leave it at that, I would say to my mother, you know, like if it's out of your control, you have to start training your mind to not get all worked up because you can't control it.
[00:12:52] Damaged Parents: yeah, you just reminded me of the book, the Tao of Pooh. I'm not sure if you're familiar with that book.
[00:12:58] Lindsay Berman: I have the Tao of Pooh I read that about 30 years ago.
[00:13:02] Damaged Parents: It just reminding me to stay in a simplistic mind and, you know, Pooh manages to get through all kinds of struggles. And it doesn't appear that even he really recognizes that there are struggles, but I think in some ways maybe there's like this understanding that it's just what it's supposed to be in that moment, but that's a fascinating read for reminding me to stay out of my head and, that whatever will be will be.
[00:13:31] Lindsay Berman: Yeah, because, like I said, I mean, you and I both know, right. We're grown adults. So we know there's certain things that we can control and there's certain things we can. And I've just learned that if it's out of my control, It's out of my control. Why am I going to worry about it? Or those people that live their lives with like that?
What if mindset? my mother's like that. And I I've been telling my mom for 25 years. I said, but what if the, what if never becomes a reality? And then she looked at me, I said, mom, I said, all I'm saying is if it becomes a reality, whatever this, what if is then you have a good foundation to be worried or concerned or upset or whatever I said, but if it's not a reality yet you're wasting a ton of emotional and mental energy that maybe everything will work out fine.
And you've invested all this time and energy for no reason at all.
[00:14:17] Damaged Parents: Yeah, that's something that's happened in my life and I call it the, what if to the negative, because I like the, what if to the positive or to how it might work out. And I think a lot of times it's really easy to forget. There's also, it's not just this or this.
There's also all of these, this multitude of other potential possibilities that in our minds, I think maybe in some ways our minds were, we decided it's black and white. There's only two ways it can turn out good or bad. And reality is, I don't think we really know.
[00:14:49] Lindsay Berman: Yeah. Well, like you said, there's always those other possibilities and sometimes on, even on a conscious level, we're not even thinking about those possibilities because we've been conditioned, like you just said it's black or white it's yay or nay. Yes or no, Done or not. And we live in a very different time now than certainly when I was growing up.
And I think that, you know, there's, I think there's a different perspective on human consciousness today than there has been for the last 20 or 30 years. I know, you know, in the sixties, that was that whole hippie revolution and all of that. But when that faded out, you have that core group, that's still practiced that ideology, but everybody else kind of went with the status quo and went and got their jobs and went and bought their houses and made sure their kids went to good schools. And all of that, I think now we're seeing people wake up again and realize, Hey, you know what, maybe I'm not this here to go to school, get a job, provide for my family and then go six feet in the ground or be cremated or whatever, I know that's where I'm at.
[00:15:50] Damaged Parents: Right.
[00:15:51] Lindsay Berman: I'm not afraid to work, but I don't believe that my, sole purpose literally is to be on earth, to have a good job, make good money, provide for my family and then die. I think there's much more for me to experience on a soul level on getting to know who I am as a person.
What makes me tick? What doesn't make me tick? What can I share? Not so much material, but what can I share from me as a person on the inside with the world, because you and I both know the things that matter most, aren't the things that we touch anyways.
[00:16:28] Damaged Parents: No, they're not. I agree. And we can't take them with us. I mean, that's just that old saying, right. We can't take it with
[00:16:36] Lindsay Berman: No, you can't, I've had this conversation with so many people Angela. And I always say to them, when was the last time you were ever in a cemetery and saw one of two things, either a truck that said $15 million in this truck. Or on a gravestone where someone had written a John Smith, billionaire owned five mansion's Nobody cares about that stuff. But people care about was who were you as a person? What type of impact or legacy did you leave to your family or friends or your colleagues? That's what people care about you know, I've been to lots of funerals. I've never heard anybody talk about how successful somebody was materially.
They talk about who they were as a person and I think that's one thing universally, and I'm speaking just, I'm not editing, I'm just speaking. But I think universe, I think most of us fall under that umbrella of the thought around death is that when it comes, nobody cares. No one wants to hear about what people made and what their status was in society. People want to know who was this person?
[00:17:34] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I think sometimes we forget and then we find our way back. Right? Like
[00:17:40] Lindsay Berman: Oh a hundred percent.
[00:17:41] Damaged Parents: Right. It's so important. And I'm thinking even, just hearing that you worked in special ed and you did. All of the, you worked with those families and with those kids, that, that's kind of been something that at the center of who you are anyway is to give back.
And I'm thinking there's also in working with those kids, you know, on the spectrum and different types of disabilities that, those families have experienced some sense of trauma. And you're not just working with the child. You're probably working with everybody.
[00:18:12] Lindsay Berman: A hundred percent. I mean, if there's time, I'll tell you a really quick story right on that note. I guess, well, four years ago now, so I had an all autism class. It was not a special, just straight autism class I had about five or six students and I had this one young man. He was 17.
Wonderful. Wonderful young man, lively, personable sociable, but he was probably working at about a grade two, maybe grade three level. And one day the mother called me. She said, I have a favor to ask. And I said, sure. She goes, I need you to help. I'll call him Jimmy. I need you to help Jimmy accept his autism.
So the first thing went through my mind was this kid's going to be 18 in a couple of months, have you never addressed this with your son and he's going to be 18. So I said to her, this, I said, listen, why don't you sit down with your son and your husband figure out the strategies that you guys are using at home to help him accept his autism, share that with me and I'll do my best to support and duplicate whatever you're doing at home.
So there's some consistency at school never heard from her again, same woman kind of outed me in a meeting. There were 12 professionals in this meeting and she was questioning me about why her son only got a 57% on a particular assignment. So I just redirected that, conversation in the meeting. And I called her a couple of weeks later and I said, listen, if you have a minute, I said, I'll answer your question now in that meeting, that wasn't the time.
And what I said to her was this I said, you need to know that I know. And his business teacher knows, and his geography teacher knows, and his English teacher know that you do his work for him. I said, we're all aware of that. I said, and I told you a long time ago when there is a summit of assignment, something that he's actually being evaluated on and we'll get a mark.
I said, in my classroom, your son and the other four boys do their own work. So, I said an answer to your question? I said that 57% is a true baseline to what your son can do on his own. I said the fact that he's getting eighties and nineties and other classes, I said with all due respect, I said, that's not his work.
You're doing that for him. So I thought I was clear. The next words that came out of her mouth was, do you think he'll manage okay in college? To which I said, respectfully, if you're planning on sitting beside him, I said, you know, Ms. Smith, I said, I just finished sharing with you. Like, he's a lovely boy.
He really is. I said, but I've also shared with you you know, he's out about a grade two grade three level. Like, I know you want to see him go to college, but we have to be realistic.
[00:20:47] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:20:48] Lindsay Berman: I think the issue there was the mum was in denial. I don't think the mom had ever accepted truly that her son was autistic.
And so she was projecting out to the world and, I don't feel at least not supporting him the way because this boy would often say, I don't belong in this class. I'm not autistic. And this little grade nine used to say to him all the time, then why are you here? I never, I never jumped in that conversation, but the grade nine was calling him on it.
Like, well, if you're not autistic, then why are you in an autistic class?
[00:21:19] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:21:20] Lindsay Berman: What ended up happening with him? I don't know. I know he graduated, but that's all I know, but it was going back to what you're saying. Yeah, it definitely takes its toll on parents a hundred percent.
[00:21:30] Damaged Parents: I like what you said in that, the child needed to do the work and I'm thinking there's, some alignment there with trauma too, that someone who's experienced trauma cannot expect someone else to do the work. And it's very much something that they have to walk through. Now you can have supports and stuff, but the trauma itself.
The working on it is done. It can only be done by that person is, is what I'm getting from this story. Just to make some comparisons.
[00:21:59] Lindsay Berman: A hundred percent. I mean, listen, If I said to you I'm sure I can tell you, I have nothing to hide. So I had a very shameful experience when I was 17. I got pissed drunk. Even though I was warned by my mother at 17, I was cocky and I thought I knew everything. And I ended up spending the night with a man in his fifties.
And I think he actually raped me in my sleep because I, was like gone like beyond drunk. My point is the only person that can help me heal from that experience is me. So that was a traumatic experience for me as a 17 year old boy, but the only person that's going to see peace and, let go of that shame.
And the, just the icky feelings that I had is me. Yes. I can get support from somebody. I could see a counselor. Or a therapist or whatever, but to your point, I have to do that work. You can't do that for me. My wife can't do that. No one can do that for me. Jack Hanfield always says, you know, we're a hundred percent responsible for our lives.
And I think there's a lot of truth to that. And I think the more that we, take that ownership, not only will we become empowered, but we're also giving ourselves permission to say Hey, I'm in the driver's seat. I'm not blaming the world anymore. I know what I have to do. It might take me a decade, but I'm taking ownership to do what I have to do for myself.
You know, As well as I do, I think there's two types of people in the world. There are the people that play victim and they will find anybody to listen to their store for as long as they can. And then there are people who were literally born as a victim and I use the word victim loosely when I say born like I think of Nick Vujicic you familiar with Nick logistic.
[00:23:36] Damaged Parents: I know the name,
[00:23:37] Lindsay Berman: Okay. he actually was born with no arms, no legs.
[00:23:40] Damaged Parents: yes, yes, yes. Okay.
[00:23:41] Lindsay Berman: Okay. I look at him and I'm like, if he can create the life that he's traded with the cards he was dealt with at birth, because it wasn't a choice he made, that's how he was born. If he can create the life he's created, he's married, he's got three kids.
He's a motivational speaker like, he's got a great life given what he was born with. So he's kind of my go-to person. When I have my own little pity party, I just think of Nick and I'm like, if Nick can do it, I can do it.
[00:24:07] Damaged Parents: Well, and I'm thinking too, on some level, he had to go through his own hero's journey to even figure out that he could be a motivational speaker. He had to really learn that for himself. It's not something that just happened. That's not what made him successful.
[00:24:24] Lindsay Berman: No a hundred percent and I'm sure he had, many years I'm imagining I'm sure I had many years of being bullied and being picked on and teased and. He's turned it around and come out on top. But the only way, like you just said, he was able to do that. He must've done his work, I don't think any of us are born motivational speakers.
[00:24:42] Damaged Parents: that's a good point.
[00:24:43] Lindsay Berman: Well, I look at Tony Robbins, Tony Robbins had a pretty rough childhood also. I think it was his mother. One of them was an alcoholic, and one of the parents ended up leaving, but he did not have a good childhood. And then it was in his late teens. I think he was introduced to Jim Rohn or someone had mentioned Jim Rohn and he went to one of his, talks.
And that was it. He got inspired by Jim Rohn and, I'm sure he's done his own therapy and stuff too. So, I'm a firm believer that and I'll use myself as an example. I don't think I'd be where I am today or I don't think I'd be three quarters of the man I am today. If I haven't done the work that I've been doing on and off for the last 20 years.
[00:25:18] Damaged Parents: And you certainly wouldn't be able to help other people through it.
[00:25:22] Lindsay Berman: No, because I would constantly be getting triggered. Right. So I think that, I know like with my clients, I always say to them, listen, the journey's not easy. I'm telling you upfront, it's not easy. You are going to cry. There is going to be pain. There are going to be uncomfortable moments, but if you can commit to
working through the work and doing the work. I can almost guarantee you, if you do not give up on the other side of all this yuckiness and all this stuff you have to work through, you will have a sense of peace. You cannot put any price tag on that. That's yours. You know, It's like Warren Buffet says and Warren Buffett's probably the most prominent, independent investor.
I think that's ever lived on this planet. But he always says the best investment you can make is in yourself. And I believe that 100%, just like you said, I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing with my clients, unless I've made the investment that I've made in myself. And I've invested a lot of it.
That's a lot of time I've invested a lot of money,
that's, what's important to me.
Right.
[00:26:19] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And you said you did the work.
[00:26:21] Lindsay Berman: Yeah. And I continue to do the work because sometimes, I had some major issues around my father that I knew I had to do what they've been dealt with, but there's still a part of me.
That's acutely aware that somewhere down the road, something might come up because sometimes when we think we're done, the universe says, ah, well, we have this for you now.
Right? I believe that the personal work or the inner work journey is an ongoing thing. I don't think we ever end.
There's always something that we can refine or become more aware of or be in touch with a behavior to say, you know what, I'm always reacting this way when this happens. I want to start training my mind to pause before I react, look at the situation from a different lens and try to train my mind to say okay now I'm going to choose to respond
[00:27:14] Damaged Parents: Now, have you ever made a plan to do that? And you do the pause and you're just like, I'm not going to do that. I'm just not going to do that. And then lo and behold, you do exactly that.
[00:27:28] Lindsay Berman: a hundred percent.
[00:27:29] Damaged Parents: And what do you do in those moments?
[00:27:32] Lindsay Berman: I remind myself that old behaviors are just as hard to break as new behaviors are to get going. So I don't beat myself up. I'm just acutely aware that if, I've been reacting to a certain situation that keeps coming up and has been present in my life, every now and then for the last 50 years, well, I've conditioned my mind or I've conditioned my heart to react to certain way.
That's kind of like it's been a condition. Well, it's gonna take just as much effort to start being mindful and present and catch myself. And give myself grace when I don't do the pause and just remind myself, you know, what you want to rewire that program, or you want to fire different neurons.
That's going to take time. It's not just going to happen overnight. You don't just do it once and oh, boom. Now we're ready to go. It takes time as you well know, right?
[00:28:23] Damaged Parents: Yeah, wouldn't that be great. But you said something really interesting. You said something about the mind and then you shifted to the heart So I'm thinking what you might be alluding to is that change doesn't real soul level change doesn't happen in the brain. It happens in the heart. Am I on the right track with that?
[00:28:41] Lindsay Berman: I believe a hundred percent. I mean, I write a lot. I've been writing for 40 years. I write a lot of poetry and prose and I've written a couple of children's stories by just, I love to write. And I put together a book about 11 years ago and one of the one of the little quotes in the book was I'm paraphrased.
I don't remember exactly again. So here's the processing and the short-term memory, but it was something along the lines of, the mind doesn't understand the heart. The heart has its own voice and the mind has its own voice. So I would say for the last 20 years, when I become aware of what myself is, there's a time for me to listen to this.
But there's also time for me to get into my heart and listen to the wisdom there. I remember talking with a girlfriend about 30 years ago and it was a really serious conversation and was a very heartfelt conversation. And then at one point she went right up to her head. So I called her on it I said, Isabelle, I said, you took the elevator back to your mind.
She's like, what do you mean? I said, well, we've been having this heart conversation for the last hour. This has been very emotional. I said, yeah, we've tried. I said, but you're in your head. Now. She was like, how do you know? I said, because your tone of voice is different. Your body language is different and you don't have the same feeling.
Sorry you don't have the same look on your face. I said, is it possible for you to get back into your heart? Well, she didn't know how to do that, so we didn't make a big deal, but. I think there's definitely something to be said about knowing when to listen to your heart and knowing when to listen to your mind.
Like, that's why we have a mind and that's why we have a heart, our hearts, not just here to pump oxygen and blood.
[00:30:06] Damaged Parents: Well, and even learning how to listen to the heart. I think so much in today's world. It's so easy, especially with the way our world is set up with societies. It's all about the mind and very little about the heart. And I love them. The studies that they've done, gosh, within the last 10 years or so, I want to say that we do have neurons in our heart and in fact, more neurons traveled from our heart to our brain than the other way around.
And I just think that's really. Fascinating when I'm feeling emotional, where am I feeling that? Right?
here in my heart. It's not in my head. I might get angry. And like in my head I start getting into the justifying the blames the you name it, right? I'm thinking we're in agreement somewhat that.
[00:30:59] Lindsay Berman: Yeah. and I think for me also, it's like, sometimes when I'm talking with clients, I'll say to them, can you share with me how you're feeling today? I'm feeling good, but that's not a feeling, but what do you mean? Just what I said respectfully. Good. I wouldn't consider good an emotion. How are you feeling?
And so for a lot of people and I lived in here for almost 40 years, I'm going to be 57 soon, but I've been trying very hard for the last, 15 plus years to start getting more in touch with my heart and what I'm feeling and really listening to that. And the other thing that I find, I don't know if you do this, and I've kind of fallen off the wagon a bit, but I used to meditate religiously.
And one of the beautiful things I found about meditation was I get to a point where not only would I be out of my head, I wouldn't even be in my heart. I would literally feel like this sphere of energy. It was like, I completely separated from my body. And I was just literally this ball of energy. And that was sheer bliss, to be in that state.
[00:32:01] Damaged Parents: Hmm. So it sounds like to get to your heart. What helped you was meditation, and then it, somehow you, you even transcended that from the heart to that level of energy, that is you us. I'm not sure what to call that.
[00:32:21] Lindsay Berman: Well, it is energy. And I think at that at, I believe at that phase, I'm just part of the collective energy now,
like physically just I'm that little sphere of energy, but that little sphere of energy is part of the bigger sphere that obviously we can't physically see with our eyes. But yeah, the medication helped.
But I think the other thing that helped too was, me doing my own work, worked at, forced me to open my heart and let and force me to be vulnerable and look at my own stuff and deal with the stuff that I have to deal with. There's always going to be stuff we have to deal with, but I think as coaches or therapists or counselors or whenever we're working with people in that context, I think it's an, all of our best interests to continue doing our own work.
So when we are working with somebody, it's one thing to get triggered and be able to, put that trigger in a box. It's another thing to get triggered and completely fall apart in front of the client that just doesn't look professional from where I'm sitting, it's different if I'm working with you and you're upset and I'm crying with you as support and I'm encouraging you.
Yes. Angela let it all out. And I'm touched, so I'm crying with you, but it's another thing for me to lose it emotionally, because I'm triggered so bad that I can't even continue the conversation and support you because you're the one I'm supposed to be supporting that's what I meant.
[00:33:36] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
Then that's a big difference too, because I think also, I've had the experience where someone has taken on my emotion. Like they're not with me, it's them now. And I think we're talking a little bit about a similar situations where someone else takes it on and now it's all about them and has nothing to do with what I'm processing, Which is really um, really important, okay. We are at that time, three top tips or tools you would like to give the listeners or, if they're experiencing trauma, what are three things that you would say, you know what, these are the top three things I recommend right now.
[00:34:12] Lindsay Berman: Okay. So the first thing I would say is if you know that you've had a traumatic experience, reach out to somebody and the reason why I say that is none of us are mind readers. So if you're aware you've got emotional baggage, you've had a traumatic event in your life that you haven't dealt with. Please reach out and speak to somebody.
The other thing you can do is get a journal. You can start journaling how you're feeling. And when I say journal, I mean, literally write what you're feeling and if every other word is an F bomb then so be it. I found journaling for myself extremely effective when I haven't been able to see a therapist or a counselor or somebody.
And the other thing is thank God for what we have in our societies today. There's millions of support groups out there. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, or if you're gay or transgender. I mean, there's groups for everybody out there. Go and join a group. And, I think by joining a group, you'll see two things.
One you're not alone. And to there's always going to be at least one person, ideally that's gonna have already, or is going to be willing to share, you know, and when people share, then you don't feel so alone and you might be inspired and say well, you know what? I'm in this trauma group. And in the last two weeks, there've been four people that have shared their story.
I feel inspired now to share my story. And I think the last thing I'll say is the worst thing you can do is to not deal with your trauma. And the reason why I said that is because I believe that trauma, like any emotion is energy, but trauma, unhealed and not dealt with, I believe is energy that's sitting in your body, but not in a positive way
so we want to make sure that we release any energy. That's not serving us. So we can clear that energy out and make room for more positive energy, or at least more positive feelings to replace the trauma.
[00:36:13] Damaged Parents: Hmm. I love that visual. Thank you so much Lindsay Berman, you can email him at l_berman@rogers.com. He's on LinkedIn. He also has a Facebook men's trauma recovery group, and so much more. Lindsay, thank you so much for coming on the show.
[00:36:31] Lindsay Berman: Thank you so much for having me Angela.
[00:36:33] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We really enjoy talking to Lindsey about how he learned to work through his trauma. We especially liked when he talked about working with autistic students and letting them do their work. Tonight with other damaged people connect with us on Facebook.
Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then
