Episode 90: Overcoming, Understanding & Healing from Love Trauma

Riana Milne

Riana Milne has a mission to help change the way the world loves by healing unconscious childhood and love trauma that impacts so many adults; with research based educational strategies- helping them to create the life they desire and to have the love relationships they deserve.

As a licensed mental health counselor, Riana Milne has over 21 years of experience helping all ages heal from various types of adverse emotional events from childhood or love trauma by getting certified as a life and relationship coach; clinical trauma professional, and mindfulness coach, she now transforms lives globally.

She specializes in helping single, straight and LGBTQ people to attract emotionally healthy and evolved partners. Couples learn that communication skills they need to have peaceful loving and passionate sustainable conscious relationships.

Social media and contact information:

Riana Milne, MA – Global Cert. Life, Dating & Relationship Coach

Podcast Transcript:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were traumatized, lied to disappointed people come to learn. Maybe just maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.

There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.

These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk withRiana Milne. She has many roles in her life, mom, grandma, sister, lover of humans and more. We'll talk about how she suffered her own love trauma, which led her on a journey to understand why people unconsciously self-sabotage and hurt others. And how she found health and healing.

Let's talk.  

 Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've got Riana Milnes she is a certified global life and love trauma recovery coach, a certified clinical trauma and addictions professional, a certified mindfulness coach. The number one bestselling author of Love Beyond Your Dreams and Live Beyond Your Dreams.

She's also the host of her podcast called Lessons In Life and Love and educational speaker, a licensed mental health counselor for over 21 years. She lives in Palm beach, county, Florida, and I'm super lucky to get to have her on this show. Thank you so much for being here Riana.

Riana Milne: [00:02:49] Hi, Angela. Thanks so much for having me. Hey everybody. Nice to be here. Thanks.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:55] Yeah, for sure. You know, We were just talking briefly before the show. This is a show about struggle. And sometimes we don't even know that we're in the midst of a struggle. And one of the questions that I was thinking of before we even started talking was, on your one sheet, you talk about unconscious trauma.

And I'm thinking if you could explain for the audience, what's the difference between unconscious and subconscious?

Riana Milne: [00:03:23] It's the same thing.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:24] Okay. So there's not really

Riana Milne: [00:03:27] keep it simple. Yeah. It's basically the same thing. I prefer the word unconscious versus sub it's. There's either conscious awareness where you're fully aware or unconscious, which are patterns or norms that are kind of ingrained from childhood behaviors and experiences.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:45] Okay, well, that's good in fact, I was trying to look it up going, gosh, you know, they actually have a versus theirs. Somebody decided there's a difference. And I was not sure if I agreed with that 

Riana Milne: [00:03:57] Could be, I guess it depends on the person you ask. I try to keep my teachings very simple, so people can understand what they're learning and then use that information to improve, their life or personal situation.

Damaged Parents: [00:04:10] Yeah, I like that because I think you're right in the sense, sometimes we can make things so challenging and so difficult.

Riana Milne: [00:04:18] Keep it simple.

Damaged Parents: [00:04:19] Yeah. And beforehand, we were briefly talking about the 10 traumas that are experienced and could you go into that for us a little bit?

Riana Milne: [00:04:32] I developed a childhood trauma checklist, which are the top 10 traumas. That I ask my clients if they experienced. And this was developed, I've been a psychotherapist 21 years in private practice in Southern New Jersey Therapy By the Sea. And I dealt with a lot of different populations and in various environments.

So I worked with kids of trauma in the schools from grades kindergarten through college. I worked in mental health hospital ward with kids five through 19. I was a therapist for women of the prison system and also in a drug rehab center for teens, plus my own therapy center with individuals and family and couples.

So from all those different environments, it didn't matter the age, the race, the culture, the background, these top 10 traumas kept coming up over and over again. But I didn't develop the checklist  until I experienced the love trauma. For the second time. And just to get into my story a little bit. That's what led me to the research of why does he do what he does?

And his last comment to me is, I don't know why I sabotage everything that I love. I don't know. What's the matter with me. And I said, I don't either, but I'm going to figure it out. So this was a man. I really adored. We had really a fun relationship, great romantic life, traveled the world together. Then he had a whole secret life underneath it.

And it happened to explode on him at his school. And we were introduced by a school superintendent and it was really, you know, a community scandal and then it ruined me, you know, it hurt me in business and I had to recover from that because his irresponsibility hurt a lot of people, unfortunately.

So this is what started me on why is he doing what he's doing? And before that, I never heard the term childhood trauma and I have a triple master's in applied clinical and counseling psychology, but no therapist was trained in this. At all. And that's why, my people come to me and says, well, I've been in six years of therapy and I never heard this term.

We never talked about my past job at dramas. So it's relatively new. And when I was starting to talk about it, it wasn't even in the DSM, which is the. Psychological manual where we diagnose people. Okay.

When I was uncovering all this research, it was So fascinating to me. I'm like, oh my gosh, I got to come out with this.

Uh, it's super important. And then the first study I saw that mentioned childhood trauma again, was Kaiser Permanente group from San Diego that did the correlations between childhood trauma, early disease and illness and death in people, if you don't heal your trauma, this stress can actually kill you.

Okay. Or cause all kinds of physical ailments. All right. So I was doing the other side, the emotional wellness and how it affects you and how you feel about yourself and also in business. So life love and business for the categories I was interested in and they did health which is really great because you get two different views of the same issue,

Damaged Parents: [00:07:33] So they just to clarify, when Kaiser did this study, they found out that it literally, these traumas literally impacted people physically throughout their lives and could shorten lifespans.

Riana Milne: [00:07:48] Yes. This was with 17,000 people. It was around obesity. And why did they have eating problems or weight issues? But I found their ACE test was very different from my childhood trauma tests. I really honestly felt they met. They really missed some major points. Like they didn't have the point of abandonment in there.

They did not have coming from the foster care system. If you were bullied or felt different. So my traumas looked very different from theirs. The first one I speak about, and I'll go through the 10 traumas now and I'll mention how there we're a little different than A study in my test, but the first one, and when I go through this test, I want the listeners to understand that when you were young, you were just a child and a product of your environment.

You were very innocent. And kids do what they do with their very young immature minds to cope and survive in their environments. So that's where these norms begin. Okay. And I'll explain that a little bit further later as we go on, but the first trauma is if your caretakers or parents had any addictions now, Kaiser only says if they use drugs or alcohol, well, I'm a LCDC, a licensed drugs and alcohol counselor.

So I know there's many other addictions that I've dealt with, that these kids had to deal with in their parents. So I say drugs, alcohol, sex, naming, you knew your parent. Cheater or having affairs and you were holding the family secret. And that was one that happened to me when I was 10. I uncovered my father's affair with my older brother who was only a year older than me.

And I looked at him and said, nobody will ever know. They can't know it'll break up our family. So there I was a holder of this trauma. And it was like, my father was the kind and loving man and my mom was cold and difficult. So I didn't want him to know. I knew because then I would miss that loving affection.

So I didn't, we didn't say anything. And, uh, until years later when he died, we told my siblings and they couldn't believe it. And so the woman showed up and took funeral. So, and, you know, she showed up and I recognized her like it was yesterday and that was 18 years later. It's amazing. And that's what I would call a big T trauma, like one major event.

And it could be a physical event or an emotional event that really impacts you for the rest of your life. Okay. And it doesn't mean you're talking about it, it's just, Nope. Nobody can know. okay.

Damaged Parents: [00:10:16] You had this big secret

Riana Milne: [00:10:17] We call that the family secret, you know, when somebody is the holder of something to keep the family together, you know, my ten-year-old mind, I should have never seen what I saw, but it's like, I still want to protect my parents' marriage and the family. So I took that on my brother and I was like, no, we'll never talk about it. So that's how we handled it.

Damaged Parents: [00:10:37] so you didn't even talk about it with each other, then it just was, we saw this, we made this agreement. We're done.

Riana Milne: [00:10:44] That's right until she showed up. And then I grabbed his arm. I'm like, Oh, my God. Look who it is. And he looked, he goes, what the hell is she doing here? So I immediately recognized that, like that was 18 years later. So it was very interesting. But anyway uh, the rest of the addictions are gambling.

Sex addiction or porn addiction, hoarding spending, eating gaming, TV watching workaholism or social media addiction or computer addiction. So the addiction or the time spent always comes before quality time with the child. So that's number one on my list.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:22] Okay. So can I clarify that real quick?  Because I want to understand, so the addiction could it be. He, for instance, someone's going to game play their games before they're going to spend quality time with someone else or

Riana Milne: [00:11:35] Yeah, gaming addiction is very real. I think they finally put it instead of DSM.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:40] well, yeah, I, I agree there. There's a fantastic book by Jane McGonigal called reality is broken. Love that book. It was fantastic.

Riana Milne: [00:11:48] Yeah, Addictions is behavioral or substance oriented. So any type of addiction.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:55] Right. And I heard you say something really interesting computer addiction or TV addiction.

Riana Milne: [00:12:00] Well today, people being on their social media, always on their phones, or doing a game on their phone, or, you know, we're putting the kid on a computer so they don't have to read or. Teach them or talk to them, they're crying here going on a machine. So anything around machines, which I call them more computers or phones.

Yeah. A lot of people are addicted to them. You know, They're constantly checking their social media for what? But yeah, it's

an issue.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:27] For what?

Riana Milne: [00:12:27] It's an issue. Okay. So let's move on to number two. Cause there's 10 to get through is verbal messages or abuse, so that could be watching mom and dad fighting. And these weren't mentioned in the Kaiser study, but again, working with kids of trauma, I'm hearing this all the time.

My mom and dad never tells me they love me. They always are criticizing me. They never say good job or give me a compliment. Nothing's ever good enough for them. So those verbal messages are really important.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:55] Right.

Riana Milne: [00:12:56] Number three is emotional abuse or neglect. We all know what those are. Number fours, any physical beating rape, sexual abuse or molestation.

Now of course, any of these going to happen inside or outside of the home. So to have a perfect home life, but you're getting beat up every day on the way to school. Okay. So a lot of people think it's only family oriented. It's not, it's your childhood experiences.

Damaged Parents: [00:13:19] And it's your perception? It sounds like of those experiences, right? So whether or not someone else believes they happened, doesn't matter, your experience is your experience. And if you interpret that as painful, then it is in fact painful and traumatic. Right?

Okay.

Riana Milne: [00:13:39] Absolutely. Okay.

The next one is abandonment. And like I said, Kaiser missed this completely. Now it's on their list. I understand. But it wasn't for years I define two types of abandonment fault and no fault, abandonment, because it's really important that both make an impact. But there is no thought.

Like if the parent happens to die early, it wasn't their fault that they abandoned the child. They wouldn't choose that, but it happened. And the child still feels this loneliness in this empty place, you know, because their parents can't be there. Parents that go off and serve at war, they're serving their country, they're supporting their family.

But I worked in the elementary schools during the Iraq and Iranian war in Afghanistan. And these kids are just like, Like, checked out, they can't focus on their studies and a lot of these kids are misdiagnosed as ADHD in elementary school. I'm like, no, they're going through a traumatic situation when traumas high cortisol is high and memory and focuses down.

So they're not a problem student inside, they just can't focus. Cause their whole mind is on survival right now. Will my mom comes home from this war? Will my dad be okay? That's all I can think about. Right

until

Damaged Parents: [00:14:49] it makes sense.

Riana Milne: [00:14:50] home. So I was a real proponent on child study team of let's look at the deeper background, not just put a label on this child.

So I'm doing meditation and Ms. Riana's relaxation room and music therapy and calming down the cortisol way in early two thousands. Doing some trauma work with these kids. Okay. So the next one is the fault abandonment. So this is if you're never involved in the child's life, if you're involved into the marriage or the relationship breaks up or you're there physically, but you're emotionally checked out.

Okay. So this is the parent that works all the time is never home or I used to hear this from the kids all the time that had joint custody. It's like, why do I have to go to my dad's Ms. Riana he's sitting in front of the TV, watching football all weekend. I'm in my room, on my computer. We barely talk.

It's stupid and I don't want to be there. So that's a kid that just doesn't feel wanted. And it's just because he's supposed to have custody time. He's there. So that's emotional absence, right? So we call that a fault abandonment. Okay. The next one is if you're a part of foster care system adopted and some adopters are wonderful and some, the kids question? why was I given up?

So again, it really depends on the child or the situation. And also if you had to go live in another person's house that could even be grandparents or your aunt or uncle, but your parents are like, we can't handle you right now. You're going to have to live over there. Or we don't have enough money to have all the kids.

So you're going to live with grandma for awhile, whatever the situation is, they are displaced from their home or their parents. Trauma. Number seven is the most common. This is the one I call personal trauma. This is, if you ever felt different, not good enough bullied, or you didn't fit in. So you could have been the chubby, overweight child and teased or the skinny and gawky child and called the nerd.

A lot of girls go through body image uh, trauma at their young teenage years, the gay and lesbian student, trying to come out and just be their authentic selves and not feel accepted for who they are. Or even the only African-American student in an all Caucasian classroom or school, just feeling different.

You know, I know a lot of people in our Asian culture are suffering right now with COVID going on. So it's this unfair bullying just for who you are. And that really does impact you in quite a big way as a child and a teen or in your young twenties. So that's trauma seven and most people can relate to one of those.

And my research showed everybody has at least one to three traumas on the top 10 lists and it goes through at least three family generations. So if you had it, your mom and dad had childhood trauma. And so did your grandparents, and also they say that gene expression has been changed from the generation that was in the Holocaust.

And then how the nervous system was impacted and then their kids have that gene expression and the third generation down. Research is always coming out.

Damaged Parents: [00:17:54] Right, right. And so when you're talking about gene expression. What I think I hear you saying is someone experienced the Holocaust, right? And then after the Holocaust, things started, as far as those people having children, how the genes were triggered.

Riana Milne: [00:18:12] .

Yeah. If they're having high anxiety, high cortisol levels, it's just the same thing. As if a mom was abused during her pregnancy, that child is going to be more, more cranky and harder to soothe and higher anxiety because the mom was.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:28] And then it still is even one more generation

Riana Milne: [00:18:32] Yeah. so.

they're saying it can happen in utero too. It's not just once the child is born. It's like, what is that mother experience that now the child is absorbing as well?

Damaged Parents: [00:18:43] It's just amazing. I mean, it seems like I know we already touched on this, but even just we're at seven, we're not even at 10 yet. Right. And I'm thinking to myself who hasn't experienced trauma.

Riana Milne: [00:18:57] Exactly. Well, I mean, when I was doing the research has said nine out of 10 people are experiencing trauma and then they said, but the other one is usually sociopathic and psy- psychopath. And they say, nothing's wrong with me? It's them, and they don't admit anything has happened to them. So now the research is saying in today's age, everybody has trauma.

Everybody has it. you know, When I was doing this research, they said nine out of 10. Now they're just saying everyone has experienced trauma of some sort.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:27] Right. I would think that there's this potential that trauma could trigger this psychopathic or sociopathic

Riana Milne: [00:19:34] Yes.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:35] that they didn't experience it.

Riana Milne: [00:19:37] Well on my checklist, if you're a high on the list, like you have eight, nine or 10 traumas, and I do a severity level check of one to 10. So if you're high with nines and tens, like my ex-husband was who ended up being sociopathic, never apologizing, ran away from the school district. Never apologized to them or to me.

No remorse is shown. This is one of the signs of sociopathy and he had a lot of the traumas. So when I wrote my book Love Beyond Your Dreams, and I sent him a copy, it's 400 pages. I'm like, wow, I better stop. I had more research, but now I'm at 400 pages and he goes, oh my God, put my picture on the front cover.

I'm the poster child of this. Thank you. I finally understand what's going on with me. And that's where people have suffered. Like, why am I doing what I'm doing? I didn't want to ruin my life. And like he said, why do I sabotage everything I love? And he did love me, but these compulsion's came stronger.

His unconscious was stronger than his conscious mind.

Damaged Parents: [00:20:39] Right.

Riana Milne: [00:20:39] Yeah. Okay. Trauma, number eight, here we go. Is sibling trauma. So that's, if your sibling bullied you, if your sibling was born with a physical condition and that commanded more of mom's and dad's time, and the other child is just kind of left there, feeling that they don't get any attention, but more often it's people recognize that.

And you know, their sibling is the golden child, the star athlete. The more smarter student or the prettier handsome or, child's, they just get more of mom's and dad's attention. That's sibling trauma. Trauma nine has two parts and the one part is community trauma.

 So all of us in our world is experiencing the COVID COVID pandemic. So we all have this one, and so this is something that impacts the community at large, and this is a global trauma, but it's also our mass shootings or school shootings. Our mother nature events, the floods fires, hurricanes that wipe out a whole community.

So that is getting more and more prevalent in today's world. When I was a child, we barely heard of community trauma was actually number 11 on my list and I had to bring it down to the top 10. So that's why it's part of nine. I couldn't take another one out cause they're all important. Um, So the other part of nine is family trauma.

Of course, if there's community trauma impacts the family, so someone lost their job from COVID, it's impacting the family's income. They're afraid they might lose their home. They're in food lines, whatever. Prior to COVID family trauma could be, if a parent was incarcerated, if they live in a dangerous neighborhood, Our military families in the U S are moving every two to four years.

That puts the kid as the new kid in school every couple of years. So there's many things, lack messages, but you know, we don't have enough to pay the bills. We're struggling, you know, always hearing that growing up. That's one that impacts you in business, actually the lack messages. So those are some family trauma examples.

There's plenty more. And then number 10 is mental health issues in mom and dad, and I'm part of the baby boomer generation. And our parents didn't go to counseling. So we kind of have to guess that they have mental health issues or not. And the two most difficult for a child to navigate around is bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

And just simply describe borderline is erratic moods. Fast trigger anger, but when they're good, they're great. When they're bad, they're horrid and you never know what you're going to get. That leaves a kid in this constant state of anxiety. And this is when we find a lot of the children of that type of parent will be people pleasers.

Or really try and be funny and cute, you know, to win the affection of that difficult parent. Bipolar is manic depressive. So manic could be a high and happy phase, but it's usually tied to an addiction. So a shopping spree. Drinking a lot of gambling spree. And then the depression can be either anger, which a lot of people don't know, that's a result of depression checking out emotionally or extreme fatigue.

So those are the top 10 that I witnessed and my clients or their surroundings. And then I made the correlations of how they show up as an adult.

Damaged Parents: [00:24:01] Okay.

Yeah, I'm thinking it would have been really  I mean, how many did you come up with in your study? You said you had to bring it down to 10 because I'm thinking disability shows up, but

Riana Milne: [00:24:12] That's under physical trauma,

disability, medical issue.

Damaged Parents: [00:24:17] right. And it could be, and then it could be compounded that's the parent with the disability and then the child has it.

So you're talking about just extreme trauma and I'm thinking, but beyond that, yeah, there's just so much, geez. I really don't see how anyone could not be traumatized by just living.

Riana Milne: [00:24:37] Well, that's why most people can identify at least one to three on this list. And when I was doing this research, I could easily see how my ex had nine of them. Right. And at severe levels. And really, it led me to that. Healing for myself and the spiritual forgiveness that I wanted to give him and recognize that he really did love me, but he had these traumas and these unconscious patterns that really were destroying his life every step of the way.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:07] Yeah. And I find it really interesting that my understanding was psychopaths or sociopaths didn't have the capacity to love. That's not what I'm hearing from you. What I'm hearing. From you is they have that capacity. They're just so injured that maybe that remorse and when hurting the person , they care about and love that it's just not there.

Riana Milne: [00:25:29] Well, I don't like to call anyone injured or damaged. I always say we're all God's kids and we're all perfectly imperfect. Right, But, unfortunately when there's high levels of trauma, uh, the unconscious rules over the conscious choices and decisions. So they get themselves constantly into trouble, let people down.

For example, he was a liar. Where did lion come from? Well, he had a very toxic alcoholic father. It was a yeller and a screamer and physically beat him. So his coping mechanism as a child, I was like, if I can lie, then I won't get beat. He was also the class clown and funny, you know, and everyone loved us, his humor as an adult, but that was a coping mechanism as a child.

Well, if I'm funny in the classroom, then everyone will like me. Because he didn't feel very liked at home. His mom was very docile and never spoke up to protect him of which he was angry over. So, you know, He was in a way which I would call a mother hater. He had no respect for his mother, the first woman who is supposed to love and give him nurturing, which just kind of checked out herself because she was abused. right, So if he was angry, he had a lot of passive aggressive. Why? Because he couldn't speak up as a kid or he would have gotten hit. So he kept it inside. And as an adult, he was passive aggressive. He wouldn't say anything, but if his wife,i.e. me was not perfect, he would go and act out. Just to feed his ego. right.

And that's where that got himself into trouble. So it's really understanding what he went through. He also came from poverty and he craved a lifestyle. Now a sociopath will use another for pleasure, profit or lifestyle advancement. So he's always looking for a wife that earned more money than him, or had a more prestigious life.

So he could be a part of that.  

Even though we could provide it for himself, we still wanted more and more and more. It was like insatiable. so, you know, It's very interesting, he was one of my first cases where I'm putting all these correlations together. And then I saw them very much correlated when you come out.

So other ways this shows up, like if there's jealousy or control, you usually have trauma number seven where you didn't feel good enough. And the verbal messages trauma too. So this might be a man trying to control his woman and, you know, cause he heard, Oh, you're a dweeb or you're a nerd, so even though he might've grown up to be handsome, His inner woundedness is still there. Right.

And doesn't feel good enough. So he tries to control, or he's jealous of someone else's looking at his woman. Impulsivity is a big one. That's the one that gets somebody into a lot of trouble. And that's from.

And he was impulsive. So using that example, if they didn't grow up with much and they finally have money, well, I want this, I'm not going to ask if this is okay for our budget. I just think I deserve it. So I'm going to buy like the red sports car or whatever it is that they want and then deal with it later. Yeah. So they put themselves first, which lends into the narcissism piece. What they want is more important than what's best for the team or the marriage. A lot of women fall into people pleasing, and men can do this too, but you know, , the little girl again that has that toxic difficult father or mother.

Just said they're not going to get screamed at or punished. They always are trying to please. And that becomes a norm. So like I had a couple come to me and I do singles and couples straight and LGBT Q audiences, both everyone from 16 to 76. Cause childhood trauma has no prejudice.

Damaged Parents: [00:29:15] Yeah, it sounds like it's all humans.

Riana Milne: [00:29:18] Yes, it's all humans.

So you know, this one woman said I do everything for my husband and my kids, and they don't love me. Like I love them. They don't do anything back for me and hit the husbands there. Well, I never asked you to do all that stuff. You don't have to, and for her, it was such a pattern which we call norms to get love.

This is how she got love. And, if she was doing all these things in the household, then she would get the thank you or a smile from the difficult parents. So then we had a teacher better boundaries and divide the chores until she got used to like, wow, I don't have to do all that to get love. You see, it's very deeply ingrained.

I work with a lot of celebrities. So the imposter syndrome, I used to be a model on talent agent for 10 years. I started in the town of Erie, PA, which is a blue collar town and everyone's there. Nobody will be a model, an actor from this down on their watch me, you know, Oh, yes, they will. The mindset for success is something I teach, but you know, I had one size 22 girl come to me and she goes,

 Riana my family is putting me down and teasing me. They're like, look in the mirror. You're fat. Why are you spending your money on this? You're throwing it away. And I said, Jennifer, can you get down to a size 16 and 18? Healthy eating with my help. She goes, yes. I said, let's prove them all wrong. So we call it the watch me mindset for success.

And she became a very well-paid Ford special size model. She was gorgeous. So you know, the messages though that people get from the people that are supposed to love them and support them often aren't there. So I started teaching mindset for success in my twenties. I had my talent school at age 26.

And I was putting in a one girl, wanted to be a dancer. She ended up being a Rockette. That was her dream, my own daughter's things on three multi-platinum CDs. That was her dream at 15. So whatever life you want to create, when we can clear all these negative messages and this negative, I can't. messages, or I'm not good enough or who would book me as a singer?

I mean, our own father said, you think you're going to be a singer that's an F-ing joke. Now she had a fight that message and her mindset and conscious doing, and goal setting had to be stronger than that message.

Damaged Parents: [00:31:40] So it sounds like someone would have to get really good at recognizing when those negative thoughts are coming in or at least maybe not negative. Maybe just not helpful. Right.

Riana Milne: [00:31:52] Well, they're mostly negative. And you could hear them from parents, coaches, teachers, like I had one teacher that horribly believed may. And it coaches, when they think they're doing somebody good, like, You're horrible today. What's the matter with you? I mean, the message is that the coaches scream at their kids is not beneficial.

Right. It's tearing them down. So which has put putting more seeds of doubt. So hopefully our coaches are more aware today in the schools, but. The message come from anywhere. So verbal is very important. And then the experiences at one, experiences at school or in their environment around their peer group is also important.

And let's talk about how this shows up in business other than imposter syndrome with celebrities. We had one very high level politician. Who's no longer in his position. I won't say the name, but there was a lot of blaming behavior and lack of taking responsibility. So the blaming behavior and wanting to be liked.

Always trying to get kudos. CRNI a good person, that need to be liked. And I love biographies and his biography was quite amazing. He had a alcoholic tyrant father and he used to he was not allowed to have childhood friends. The fathers would say, go away and don't come back. He works For me afternoon in the afternoons he's not going out to play.

 So you still have to scrub toilets in his father's apartments. And he says in his own head, one day I'll have gold toilets and he grew up to have that. Right. Very often the pain can lead to success, but very often if there's business success, there's problem in the love relationships because the childhood trauma piece was still not healed.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:38] So it sounds like in order to find balance, the healing has to happen. And,  how do we start that process? Or how w how do we get there? But I think it's a really long process at an answer probably.

Riana Milne: [00:33:52] Well, as a certified clinical trauma professional we have learned, it takes about six months of ongoing conscious awareness training to help our clients overcome their trauma. I did best describe it as a rainbow. And I was at the one side of the rainbow. You can't change what you don't understand. I didn't understand why he was doing it.

I didn't understand why sabotage stuff was like, couldn't get it. So that's what led me to the research and the answers. And once I had the answers, you can fix it. Right. But the training, the unconscious is very difficult. These are ingrained patterns and norms and we have to consciously change them.

So you're going up over the rainbow and you're doing better, then you'll slip and then you'll do better than you'll slip and people that are Riana why do I have to slip? Because the unconscious is really strong. So when these messages of fear or insecurity or. I don't know how to do this, or you're emotionally triggered and you get angry.

That's a slip instead of the mind saying, okay, I know why I'm upset. I have to calm down and do this. I have to think of our team language and communicate in this way. So they learn all these different skills around how to communicate their feelings without getting angry. Without shutting down. So there's all new kinds of communication skills that they have to learn and practice as well of new ways of thinking and being.

It's a lot of mindset work and then also physical, having the best diet, having some moderate exercises, I do vitamin therapy, we do meditation. So there's all kinds of techniques I use. But when I work one-on-one I really tailor it to the person in front of me and the experiences that they have gone through. My main tool is my 150 page workbook from my research that the clients fill out. Each session, I read what they write and then from what they tell me, I know how to teach them in the next lesson. So it's very interactive, very educational. It is not therapy. It is coaching. And I do this globally. Yes, I have the psychotherapy background as a licensed mental health counselor.

So it's the knowledge of that. But coaching is very educational, motivational, inspirational. I do spiritual faith based teaching because you have to go forward with this sense of faith and then mindset work to reach your goals and dreams and know that you can do it if you believe in yourself. So it is a lot to learn and I can teach that in four to six months to my clients.

Damaged Parents: [00:36:26] Yeah. And what I really loved about what you said was you're going to slip.

Riana Milne: [00:36:32] Yeah, and that's okay

Damaged Parents: [00:36:33] It's a process and you go in telling people it's not like. Oh, yes. you know, It's all going to be rainbows and sunshine pun not intended, but maybe it was, I'm not sure,, and that slippage is necessary

Riana Milne: [00:36:49] It looks part of the learning process. Yeah. And we say, there's no failure, only feedback. What do we have to practice more? Why are you thinking this way? What triggered you to get angry? Let's. Make the connection. So I'm always teaching so that they understand, and then they can improve right with each lesson.

Super important. And my courses are divided into two sections. The first part is the healing of the trauma. And I teach that first because they learn so many skills and they're practicing it throughout. Everything, but by the time they've got that down they're more confident they're feeling better about themselves.

They're able to express their feelings. Now my singles feel more empowered to go out and date and they also learn the exact skills to date successfully. They're going out with a mindset. I am the whole package. I'm not going to settle for less. I know the questions to ask to see if this person in front of me is emotionally healthy.

Or they're still really struggling with their own traumas and they're unstable, Right.

They're not stable people. So they make that deciphering, when they're out there, which is a really great, educated way to date. So by date one or two, they know what's going on. And then my couples I have to do the trauma work for partner A. Partner B.

Then when I understand what's going on with each one of them teach them about the emotional triggers of each one, have them more empathy and friendship for each other and be supportive. And it's a whole new way. They like really become very close and best friends. It's really beautiful to see.

And it's really interesting because people have trauma attract people of trauma. And very often that partner is the best healing partner for the other. So it's really great to see them work the program when they understand what to do. So they get all the relationship and communication skills and part B.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:49] That's beautiful. I just see the smile on your face when you're talking about how they come together as friends and how this closeness, and it seems like that's just like so fulfilling for you to get, to be part of that amazing journey of connectiveness

Riana Milne: [00:39:05] Well, as I took my stuff I say I took my pain and made it my passion and my purpose. And I say that to all my clients I work through as well. And I've listened to your amazing show and I hear a lot of people that have had physical struggles and disabilities, and they are turning that around to also make that their passion and their purpose to help others.

And that is a huge part of the healing process. Right. And it's great to see my graduates go out into the world, knowing this stuff and they're talking with their friends to look at things in a different way. I mean, we call it the mission of helping to change the way the world loves. Not only with your love partner, but with your parent child relationships, our clients help their parents be kinder, more loving, gentle people, and now they know how to teach them to do that. Because the parents didn't have it, so they didn't know how to say. I love you. And that's what I asked my mom. Like, why don't you tell us us five kids that you love us? She goes, well, I grew up in the Great Depression. We didn't hear those words. It was all about survival. So I'm like what a great example of, you know, my grandparents trauma of trying to make ends meet.

And my mom's suffering with that, that cold non affectionate parents. And then to us, I mean, probably doing, she was a doer, so she thought that was showing love, but we didn't hear the words. Right.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:34] Even then you could have taken on that being a doer was important, and yet you learn to love and not only did you learn to love, you learn to teach other people what it is to love.

And then not only that, I just see this rippling out into not just in these relationships, but then out into the community and making this world that much more beautiful and connected in relationship.

Riana Milne: [00:40:58] Yeah, my graduates are so amazing. Like I'll be holding a webinar. They'll pop on. It's like, I just want to be here for anyone that has any questions and tell you what it's like on the other side of the rainbow, they all use that analogy because when they're there, they're like, oh my God, I couldn't believe how I thought six months ago,

 I'll never go back to being that person. Cause it's just so freeing and peaceful and loving and calm when you know how to work beyond all those negative fear-based messages. It's just a great place to be.

Damaged Parents: [00:41:30] Yeah, it sounds like it. And when I hear calm, I think peace and I love that you use that word because finding that calm is just it's peaceful and there's a grace and power in that peace that when chaos is happening, it's although it's known it's and because it's maybe because it's known it's comfortable. I still think maybe that calm and that peace is more powerful.

Riana Milne: [00:41:56] Yeah, I always said, there's no price. You can put on peace, and believe me, I had a very toxic first husband too, and this is another repercussion. If you don't heal, this is called relationship repetition syndrome. So you keep attracting into your life. People that made what we call love bomb.

You like give you all this attention in Texas and emails or gifts, and someone that grew up with very colder apps and parents are gonna love that. Like, wow, this feels great, but the problem is you're coming from that need. Right. And it usually is an attraction by chemistry, which is your unconscious going for what it craves or what it knows.

Instead of being more empowered and you give yourself the self-love. I left that first marriage very early on when my kids were three and four and it's like, I'd rather have peace  in my life than a tyrant and someone who ripped off my mother, a large sum of money that I became responsible to pay off.

And it took 16 years to pay off $200,000. So I was only 24 years old with two little girls, you know? so I mean, it wasn't an easy life, but when you have the mindset for success, which I had in my twenties, it's like, I work hard. I'm going to do a vacation every year, no matter what. So I started traveling to beautiful places and I'm a world traveler, Paris or The Bahamas, or, Barcelona, whatever it was.

So I learned to work in that life balance and that joy and gratitude and gave my children that gift of travel. And theater and Broadway and so it's like, whatever you came from, you don't have to stay stuck. And for me, I said, there's no time to play the victim. I got to support my kids, run this business, and I put other people on the map and have that joy of teaching them mindset work.

Right. So when you're not, so kept up in your own pain or misery. And you turn that pain to passion towards helping others in some way. Then it's also self healing,

Damaged Parents: [00:43:58] Yeah, it really is. It really is. Okay. We are almost at the end of the podcast and I always ask for three things. So three tips or tools you've given us so much information already, so three things that you want everyone to walk away with. And I do want to note, you have. Like five, I want to say five or more free gifts on your website and that's it.

rianamilne.com. I mean, there's a quiz there. Chapter downloads. There's a free ebook they can meet with you. I mean, there's so much, so knowing that just three things that people could walk away from this podcast with. And I really hope they go check out. I've learned so much just from talking with you that they go and check out what more you have to share.

Riana Milne: [00:44:45] Yeah. Yeah. And my podcast, too Lessons in Life In Love with Coach Riana Milne, and I have 106 shows out there on every podcast platform. And I think 230 videos and audio is on my YouTube channel. So there's lots of education out there to help you guys, First is, I just want to say, don't wait. You know, Now is the time to really create the life you desire and have the love you deserve.

And So many people I see coming from toxic relationships, they totally gave up themselves. They say, I don't know who I am anymore when they come to me because of the people pleasing and trying to please them difficult partner. So I said, well, let's create the life you want. Right. So I just really want to stress that.

I mean, yes, I've had people come to me. It's 73, 76 year old is my oldest one. But why wait till then, because once you learn this, you're going to be using these skills forever. Right? So don't wait. That's the most important thing heal this now so that you really feel very empowered in the rest of your life.

Number two, childhood and love trauma can be healed. So don't suffer with this anymore. It is a process. Make sure you're with somebody that really knows what they're doing. a certified clinical trauma, professional. You know, and invest the time and the energy, don't try and find a band-aid that you'll get answers in a week because it's not like that.

It's a healing process and be patient with the journey because when you are the amount you learn is just magnificent. Three, when you are healed, you're going to see people react from emotional triggers. And the good thing is, you'll know how to deal with that better. So whether you're an employer and you see something happening in one of your employees, you can help them process that better or in your children.

Everyone that I teach, who is a parent, I make sure that they are teaching these skills to their kids. Like I taught to my students in the schools. So the mindset for success should be taught to kids. I mean, my one daughter, Alexa was in an Inc and Forbes magazine is one of the top 11 female entrepreneurs changing the world at age five.

She said, mom, I to, I want to help those kids in Africa when she was watching the save the children commercial. And I said, babe, I know you can. That's a beautiful dream. Hold on to that dream. And you can do that when you're ready. At 20, she went to Africa and now there's 21 water Wells. In Tanzania. So believe in your kids, empower them to believe in their dreams.

And no matter what it is, nothing is stupid. If you tell your kids, they're, they're wonderful and successful, they will be that if they, if you say you're up to no good, or you'll never amount to anything, they won't deliver that. Right. So learn if your parents please learn the mindset for success so that you can teach your kids at the earliest possible stage.

And then you stop the intergenerational trauma. And please look for signs for help from your kids. And if they don't want to go to traditional therapy and many of them do not, they don't like sitting in an office, the people looking at them, I get it, have them have a coach. They love coaching because they're learning something.

So I work with ages 16 and over. And if you see them struggling in any life transition like high school to college, or they came home from college, can't find work. Get them with a life coach so that they can turn their life around right away instead of turning to substances or checking out. I'm just so kid um, empowerment, right?

I want them to do well because kids have all the potential in the world to succeed and we are their mentors. So if they need help, make sure you get them help

Damaged Parents: [00:48:29] So awesome. Riana I am so glad that I got to have you on the show and I just, I really love that, you know, while  you have this desire to serve children, I see in you this desire to serve all of humanity. And I just think that's really beautiful. So thank you so much.

Riana Milne: [00:48:47] Thank you, Angela for having me on and for helping to, change the way the world loves I appreciate that.

 Damaged Parents: [00:48:53] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Riana about how she researched and learned why others might behave the way they do. We especially liked when she gave us the top 10 traumas and what makes them so important. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on instagram look for damaged parents. Will be here next week still relatively damaged See you then