Episode 88 - Losing Perfectionism to Find Myself
Heather Rider
Heather Rider is an anxiety coach and Imposter Syndrome educator who personally overcame high-functioning anxiety and Imposter Syndrome while working in a demanding Tech job. She works with clients from all over the world who want to take a nontraditional, holistic approach to healing anxiety.
She regularly writes and presents on the issues of perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, high-functioning anxiety and other anxiety related topics.
Read more about her at: www.theenergysynergist.com
Social media and contact information:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/hrider/
https://www.facebook.com/TheEnergySynergist/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVc6lTp2JnIc0v5PWXI1gRQ
https://www.pinterest.com/theenergysynergist/
Podcast transcript:
[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were high achieving high functioning healing people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Heather Rider, she has many roles in her life. Mom, sister, daughter, coach, and more. We'll talk about how she suffered from high functioning anxiety and didn't realize it and how she eventually found health and healing let's talk
Heather Rider welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. You are such an amazing person that is going to talk about anxiety and perfectionism and how you implement that into your, coaching, which is also known as Heather Rider Coaching.
[00:02:13] Heather Rider: Well, thank you for having me. The things that I talk about I think are really important. They're not necessarily fun, but hopefully you and I can have the best time, that we can talking about some, I guess, pretty difficult topics
[00:02:25] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I think that that's really important and I'll do my best to ask difficult questions or uncomfortable questions so that we can really. Hopefully people will be able to recognize, oh, I've been there and how do I heal? Or maybe here are some things I can do. With that said, if you want to just go ahead and start your journey of struggle, where it started for you.
And then along the way, I'll ask questions and then we'll round back to what are some tips and tools at the very end that that people can do today to move forward.
[00:03:00] Heather Rider: Yeah. that sounds great. I struggled with high functioning anxiety, which is a very specific type of anxiety. And it's very different from generalized anxiety disorder. I struggled for probably about 10 years and this always sort of blows people's minds. I didn't know that I had anxiety until I didn't have anxiety anymore.
So high-functioning anxiety is really common, among very high achieving people and outwardly. It's not obvious that I had high functioning anxiety and no one else thought that I had it either. I used to hear comments very frequently, like, oh, Heather, you're so calm. You're so laid back. And I would think, what are they talking about?
Like me, because I felt totally spastic. And I thought that I looked that way on the outside because inside my mind was turning all the time. It's really different.
[00:03:57] Damaged Parents: right. So what was happening on the outside was you looked like you had this very calm, thoughtful baby demeanor, or that's what people saw and what was happening on the inside and what you thought they could see was I'm going to call it like a hamster wheel, just constantly running.
[00:04:16] Heather Rider: Yeah. I thought that it was so when they would say that to me, I literally was like, wait a minute. What are they talking about? Because I thought that I looked like how I felt, but I didn't look that way at all. People would use those phrases. You're so calm. You're so laid back. And I was like, but I'm not.
Why do people think that? And so I just kind of was like, , I don't understand that, how I look that way, because that's not how I feel in a hamster wheel is a great description. I try to describe how this feels on the inside, which is challenging, right? Because we're talking about your, like your mind and how you feel.
And I would say my brain was like, it had two layers to it.
[00:04:55] Damaged Parents: Okay.
[00:04:55] Heather Rider: So there's the layer that is looking like I'm present. There's that layer that's making me appear calm to other people. It's that layer that's like in, in the moment and processing whatever is occurring, but then there's this other layer. That's the anxiety layer.
That is the layer that's in the chronic state of worry, either worrying about something that happened. Like playing it over and over and over in my mind, trying to fix It or make it better or, you know, analyze what wrong. And if at that layer of the brain wasn't doing that, then it was worried about the future in hypothesizing about what was potentially going to go wrong, all the things that could go wrong.
And if all these things could potentially go wrong, then you better make some strategies for how you're going to react if, and when those things occur. So it's like a mental chess game.
[00:05:46] Damaged Parents: It sounds like you had backup plans to your backup plans, to your backup
[00:05:51] Heather Rider: Exactly. Exactly. You got all the contingencies laid out girl, like every possible scenario for anything that could possibly go wrong, hypervigilance just to the max. And so that's what my brain was doing all of the time. And that led me to have, a lot of bad things in my life, like crappy relationships with my daughters because
that's exhausting. I hope that that sounds exhausting to everyone because it was right. And so it's like, I'd get home from work and I would wind up screaming at my daughters over stupidest stuff right? Because it's like, I'm just pre like a pressure cooker. Yeah. Had massive insomnia. It just dissatisfied with so many like areas of my life.
And then. The sort of short story, cause this probably would, you know, you get to this question at some point is, well, what made me have this turnaround in my life? And that was, I eventually got very sick with a severe auto-immune reaction that was triggered in part by the anxiety because when you're living in a chronic stress response in your body for years and years, your nervous system gets shot from just, heightened cortisol levels.
And, we, I think we all know that stress does bad things to your body.
[00:07:02] Damaged Parents: Right. My question actually, is because you didn't know you were having anxiety really until it was gone, so you just grew up thinking that this is a, healthy well I don't know if healthy is the right word. You didn't know any different though.
[00:07:18] Heather Rider: It's hard for me. Yeah.
I think I know what you're asking. So I didn't necessarily grow up with high functioning anxiety. It's hard for, I've really thought about this a lot. Like when did this really escalate? You know, . It's really hard to discern, right. Because I didn't know that I had anxiety because I wasn't having panic attacks.
I wasn't jittery all these sorts of things that people associate with anxiety. So I definitely know that there was a big catalyst for me actually was having children for some reason. That's what sort of tips me over. And I think that before I had kids. It was me and then me and my husband, and there was enough time and space in my life to sort of probably manage a lot of this stuff that was either happening.
And I'm not fully sure if it was happening or it was not pushed over to the edge because I had enough time and space in my life because I wasn't taking care of other people.
[00:08:15] Damaged Parents: So I think what I hear you saying is. It may not have existed until later because you had the time and space. To maybe wind down or that maybe there was some self-care in there you didn't realize that you had, but then when you started taking care of more and more and maybe taking on more and more responsibility, then the self care went out the window.
And now there's this anxiety, but it sounds like it almost slowly crept in without you even realizing it.
[00:08:47] Heather Rider: Yeah. It's so difficult for me to, to know. That's just, I guess, kind of what I'm alluding to, and I think your question is a great question and I'm not fully sure when this started for me. So, Yeah.
so I don't know if it was just quote unquote manageable because I didn't, I had enough time in my life that I could sort of wind down.
As you said. Or maybe it was there and then it just escalated or maybe it wasn't there at all. And then it started, I'm not fully sure. All I know is that once I didn't have anxiety anymore and that's why it's always so weird to say that because I had actually healed. And that's when I realized that I had anxiety was when I didn't have it anymore.
So a lot of these, things that I tell him this, in this story, because I'm on a lot of podcasts, it's me looking back in hindsight and it's hard sometimes to piece everything together.
[00:09:38] Damaged Parents: Yeah, and I really love the answer of, I don't know. I think that's it because a lot of times, I don't think we know until we look back.
[00:09:49] Heather Rider: Yeah, it is. and it's, I love that you say that also because, it's just a sort of concept of when you are a certain person and you're in trenched in a certain way of being you think about it like a vantage point that you're looking out of everything in our world is shaped by our perception of reality.
Like you and I are on this podcast right now, Angela, we're having a different perception of reality because you're you and I'm me,
[00:10:15] Damaged Parents: Okay.
[00:10:15] Heather Rider: But as we change and as we evolve, that's when we can start to like, quote unquote, see things that we couldn't see before, you can't see things from where you are, which is part of how you can't heal your way out of something by being the same person. Right. Like you have to do something different because you'll never get anywhere if you're continuing to be the same thing. And so then when you change and morph and evolve, then you can look back and say, oh my God, like, as an example, my marriage was pretty freaking dysfunctional. I'm divorced now. I didn't realize how dysfunctional it was until I got out of it.
And then I was looking back like, oh my God, I was in this quagmire of junk for years with this guy. I didn't even realize it became so normal. Right. And then you look back and like, oh, wow, that was not normal. And that wasn't healthy. So it's the same thing about myself, right? It's like, yeah, in retrospect, you can see things.
And that is because I became different. If I were still the old version of Heather, I'd still be living in that. And obviously wouldn't be on this podcast with you. Right. But I wouldn't be able to look and see something because I would still be the same person, but I'm not anymore.
[00:11:22] Damaged Parents: Right. So which bakes the question when. Okay. I think part of me thinks we're destined to change anyway, and yet maybe, sometimes we can't see it until we're ready to see it. So what did you recognize, I guess is my question. What did you recognize in your life that, was there a trigger where you started to change?
[00:11:46] Heather Rider: Yeah, that's what I was talking about when I got sick. That was actually the catalyst for me because I got very sick. And so at that point I gave up on Western medicine. I had gone to see a couple doctors. I didn't like that. They were saying to me, I didn't like their answers. And I was like, I got to do this on my own.
And this goes into doing things that were very different. I started biohacking my body. I started doing all this research. I radically changed my diet. I was taking tons of supplements. I was doing very, very different things that I had never done before. And that was a big change because anytime you do something very different, you're not in the same patterns.
Right. that is what started to heal me emotionally then. I mean, I'm very spiritual now. I was not back then, but then, you know, things started coming into my life. Like I went to my chiropractor for an adjustment and he was telling me about this book that he was either reading or listening to. He's like, yeah, it's called the surrender experiment.
And I was like, that sounds interesting. So then I start reading this book, right. it's a very spiritual book and it's, it's about letting go and like what happens, right? If you just let go of things like how your life can magically transform. So I started writing down affirmations, I call it journaling because it was my version of journaling.
Then I had never done anything like that in my life. So I would like read something in this book as an example. Right. And I'm like, oh my God, that really, that sentence just really is powerful. And to like write it down. And so anytime those sort of, you know, it seems so cheesy, like an Instagram post that you see with like your mantra or whatever, then like I would see these things, I'd be like, wow.
That's like really interesting that phrase means something to me. I'd be writing these down. So that was a catalyst for change for me.
[00:13:32] Damaged Parents: It almost sounds like to me. So you got sick. The first step was recognizing that you weren't getting what you needed from Western medicine and recognizing that, and then stepping into a new way or looking at new possibilities to change it, which started you down this whole other.
In this other direction that you never ever, it seems like to me, never would have gone on your own if you will.
Right? Like you never, you wouldn't have consciously chosen it prior to having those experiences.
[00:14:09] Heather Rider: That's exactly right. What happened? And the things that I like to say that about like biohacking, the stuff that I was doing. cause this is all about, I don't know, seven or eight years ago, I switched to a paleo diet, which a lot of people know now at that time that was not that common.
So if I'd say paleo people would be like, what? I mean, it wasn't in the vernacular. And so I was doing some things that were pretty radical. I mean, it really was like very different sort of things. And I.
was just really open to whatever, because if you're not going to go, it is a great example, right.
Like if you're not going to go Western medicine, That means you're doing something very different, which is very much fucking convention. And me saying I'm going to take my healing into my own hands because I don't trust these other people with my body. And before this, I mean, I could turn this into literally like a three-hour podcast, part of why I got sick.
There was two things that happened. One was this massive stress response, but the other thing was an over-prescription and an overuse of antibiotics, which decimates your gut flora. And that's part of why I gave up on Western medicine because that's part of why I got sick. Because before, if I'd go to the doctor, I would do anything.
The doctor said not anything, but you know, like for the most part, it's like, I went to the expert, they told me to do this. And so then I did it because I was like, well, they know what they're talking about. And me deciding, well, wait a minute. They don't actually know what they're talking about at all.
And so I'm doing this research and I'm going to a couple doctors like, Hey, I think you need to run this test on me and this test on me and this, like, this is what I think this is. And they were like, One doctor was like, I don't even, because I had a lot of skin manifestations, very severe skin manifestations.
Basically my skin was peeling off my face, like in huge patches, my face was cracking and bleeding. So my first stop was like this dermatologist. And he's like, Yeah.
we need to put you on antibiotics. And I was like, no, we don't. That's part of the problem. And I was like, I think I need this lab done this lab done.
And he's like, I don't have a lab. He's like, I don't have a lab is like, I don't send blood work off. And I was like, screw you. You know? And so when you can get to that point where you are like, wait a minute, I am the one who has to look out for my best interest. That is really powerful because you are taking, you're taking your own authority for yourself, right?
And this is true. If this is physical health or a mental health conversation, they're very much intertwined.
[00:16:40] Damaged Parents: Yeah, just taking responsibility for what you bring into your life. It sounds like on, a major level, and I think it's really. Easy to forget that the experts are the experts until they're not, they have the answer until of course they don't. And the chances of them having an answer are pretty high because of their education
And yet maybe not because who knows your body better than you. and then we have this belief in society. I just need to go to the doctor and they'll fix me. And I get to be who I once was without this problem. And maybe there's not a fix.
[00:17:17] Heather Rider: Yeah.
And I think this is also an interesting sort of jumping off point, I will say into why people work with me. Um, because a lot of people who work with me have tried a lot of things that haven't worked for them. They've tried therapy or they've tried pharmaceuticals and they're like I'm taking this pill and number one, sometimes it's not doing anything.
Or sometimes it makes them feel worse and that's because somebody prescribed it to them. Right. And they're like this isn't working for me. So I think that this goes into it is your body and it's your mind. Right? And so you've got to know it and start to trust it and say, okay, there's got to be something that can work for me.
And there are some people out there right now who are listening and maybe they're taking whatever medication and it's fricking rocking their world and they love it. And that's great for them, right? Like good. That works for your body chemistry and you're happy, but if you're not happy, people can be healthy, right?
Whether it's physical, mental, like everyone has that. Right. And that there is a, there is that potentiality for people.
[00:18:19] Damaged Parents: I'm thinking for what I'm hearing from you is that there's a different journey for each of us into how we find that health and what works for one person may not work for another person. And that's okay. I don't have to be judgy of the person who takes medicine. If it's working for them, I can just cheer them on and be happy for them.
And same with the other person who needs to utilize them or holistic approach. I, again, I don't need to be judgy. I can just cheer them on and be happy for them if they're finding what they need in their life.
[00:18:50] Heather Rider: Yeah, I love that. I think that's a great way of saying, sort of what I just said. Yeah.
And knowing that. There is no one right answer. And that's why I'm also, you know, talking more about this health journey with you than I do on a, lot of things. Cause I'm, often more focused on the mental aspects, but the point of this is there's lots of paths to get somewhere.
And if you have tried one thing and it's not working for you, then try something else because there is a resolution out there. You just have to find what works for you. And it can be frustrating. I think a lot of the times for people in this comparison, sort of that we're talking about like, well, how come that person is doing that over there?
And they're feeling better and I'm not.
[00:19:36] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:19:37] Heather Rider: Because it's like, we were a fast society. Right. And we want like quick answers a lot of the time. And sometimes there just, isn't one, you just probably haven't found the right thing for you. And definitely of course, I'm going to say be open to alternatives because I took a very unconventional approach to get where I am.
[00:19:55] Damaged Parents: Right. And I think it is infuriating. And the comparison in that. And I think it's almost a subconscious thing that we do sometimes too. If I have a similar struggle with someone else and I see something work for them, it's infuriating to me that, if that same path doesn't work for me and I really want it to.
Right. So how beyond just trying something new. How does one overcome that challenge? If you will.
[00:20:24] Heather Rider: So, I guess what you're asking about is that comparison and that frustration that comes in, is that what your question is?
[00:20:31] Damaged Parents: I think so. It's like, how do you overcome If you see something that let's say you had a similar disorder, someone else, or the auto-immune disorder, someone else, and they did X, Y, and Z and X, Y, and Z worked for them. And X, Y, and Z is not working for you. And you get to that. I'm thinking there's a tremendous amount of frustration and anger as to why it's not working is the solution.
Maybe that's what I'm trying to get at is the solution. Just trying something new. And how do you reconcile with that? If you're in that frustrated and angry and disappointed space.
[00:21:07] Heather Rider: Well, I mean, I would say of course acknowledge the fact that you're frustrated, acknowledged the fact that you're like, wait a minute, I don't get this. How come that worked for them? And I tried it and it didn't work for me. I mean, that has to be the first step. Don't just like gloss over it. I will say I'm a very determined.
Bulldog in a lot of ways, That's how part of how, what I did worked for me as I was like, I'm going to keep trying things. I mean, it takes, I look back, I kind of didn't realize how crazy that was. Like a lot of the stuff I was doing, I was like, Okay.
I'm going to try this combo of supplements and this and that. And it was like, I was experimenting and I was doing so many different things.
I don't even necessarily know what worked. It did work by the way. But it was like, I couldn't necessarily pinpoint it was not running a clean science experiment that's for sure.
So I think there has to be this element of what I was just saying. I'm going to sort of say in a different way is realizing you are a unique person.
And so what's going to work for one person is not going to work for everyone. And that's actually great. Why would we all want to be like automatons, like each other? So if you can recognize, well, I'm my own person and I know I tried that and I'm really frustrated. Um, I feel like giving up and then you keep going.
And here's another little part of this story by the way, is I, when all of this started happening and I was starting to get very sick, I had a bunch of things happen all at the same time. By the way, my mom got diagnosed with cancer. My youngest daughter was having health problems and problems in school and I was getting sick.
And so there was this long standing stress response, but then I had these huge. Huge stressors in my life. And I do think that's a big part of why I got sick is like, it was massive overload in my body was already teetering and just couldn't handle it. I was dating somebody at the time. We were very serious and I thought we were going to get married.
And so I started to get sick and this is very common for men they're fixers, right? They want to fix things. And so I'm trying all these different things. I'm going to see doctors, I'm not liking what they're saying. I'm switching over to this paleo diet, just being very, very stringent and strict with what I was eating, what I was consuming and lots of things.
And that was challenging for him because he was more of like a moderate kind of guy, which works for a lot of people, but not when I was sick. I couldn't do that anymore. And I just remember that he basically broke up with me because he felt like I was being too controlling, but also he told me, Heather, I don't think I can be what you need me to be.
Because I kept saying to him, I don't need you to fix anything. Like, I don't need you to do anything right now. I just need you to listen because I was frustrated. All those things that you were saying is I would do these things and I wasn't seeing results. I didn't know if they were working. And so I tried this over here and I try that over here.
And there were times that, cause it took me a year and a half. In total, by the way, to get, well, that's a long time. When you were sick, like looking back, it actually isn't in the span of my life, but when you're sick and you're trying to get better and you're seeing absolutely no results for four months when you were eating like the strictest diet you've ever eaten in your life.
And you're like, I see no change in my body. That to me, there was times I felt like, is this going to work? Am I ever going to get better? I questioned that multiple times in that process. This is why I mentioned I was like a bulldog. And I was like, well, I know the is not over here with what some of those doctors said.
So I'm going to keep trying this thing and I'm just going to stick with this because I think that this is the right answer for me. I had enough proof from the research of people who had amazing amazing health turnarounds from a paleo diet. And I was like, I've seen this person I've seen their before and after I'm going to keep with this, but I do want to tell people growth.
Isn't linear. And if you're on your path to healing, there's going to be times where you're thinking, Okay.
this is working. And then other times it's going to seem like you have a huge regression. And you just gotta go with it because it is not going to look like a nice little graph. That's only going up.
[00:25:14] Damaged Parents: Okay. So when you speak of that, what I'm thinking is for a while you felt like it was working and then you'd, there would come periods of times where you thought it was not working. And then you'd have to go back to the research and go, well, I think I'm going to keep going because I see this and that sounds like a real mental exercise that you would have to do with yourself to keep that hope, to keep moving forward in the midst of the struggle.
[00:25:45] Heather Rider: Yeah, it sucks sometimes, but I was like, well, wait a minute. I've been healthy before. And I was doing all these things that were detrimental to my body and I was healthy. So if I like, quote unquote, clean up my act, then eventually I'm going to have to heal. And I did start doing some things.
Like I remember I went to a a meetup appeal, you know, meetups, all these other people who do paleo and there was this woman there. She was younger than me and she had a very severe auto immune disorder. And that's why she ate paleo. And so I just remember her, it was like, okay, there's somebody else here.
Who's doing this for the same reasons I am, because there's lots of reasons that people will, eat paleo. It's not just cause they're sick. Right. And I remember thinking, Okay.
she's here. And she told me about various doctors that she was going to, which I didn't know that there were things like functional medicine doctors and some.
Some alternative types of doctors actually didn't know that then. Um, Which is interesting because I think I would have run into that, but she was the first person who told me, she was like, oh, I'm working with this person. And this is this protocol they have me on. And I was like, well, that's basically what I'm doing.
So that was sort of verification, Right. Invalid validation. And I found some very, very well-known people online who were writing, about the things that I was doing. And So I did feel like I had enough evidence and like I said, there's this video of this woman who had oh my gosh. I can't remember if it was multiple sclerosis or I think it was, she was any wheelchair.
Like straight up, just debilitating. And she started eating a paleo diet. And within a couple of years, I mean, you would not recognize this person. Her body was so different. Obviously she was walking. I mean, she's a very well known scientist and researcher and to see where she was and where her body went and how she turned her health around.
I was like, okay, if she can do it, then I can do it.
[00:27:42] Damaged Parents: Right. So you use her success as inspiration. Keep moving and keep going.
[00:27:48] Heather Rider: Yeah, exactly.
[00:27:50] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Okay. So you get over this, it sounds like you started seeing results at around four months. So what did you start noticing Was it like a physical recognition or was it more of a mental your state of mind sort of change?
[00:28:05] Heather Rider: Yeah, this is where, I mean, things start to sort of definitely start to overlap with my body healing and then me trying these other new, new things to me, that sort of affirmations and, other things that I was trying sort of out in the world. So this is when things started to unravel in a good way.
So it's like my body was healing. And then I'm going through that breakup, which was, I mean, it was terrible, but that actually was also extremely useful to me because I was like, wait a minute. How did I wind up in this position where I thought this guy and I were going to get married and then he broke up with me when I'm incredibly sick.
Like who's a Heather that has that happen. You know, Like somebody who's supposed to be so supportive of you bails on you at one of the worst times of my life. I mean, like I said, my mom was sick, my daughter's sick, I'm sick. And so then there's like the self-examination of like what happened in there and me.
I've always been the sort of a person it's like, okay, well the common denominators, you, like, you got to figure this out. And then I've also had a growth mindset. I've always had that. And I feel very lucky to have that have me looking for the lessons in everything. And so that's where I was. I was at this point of like, Okay.
a lot of stuff happened.
What are you supposed to be learning here? What are you supposed to be getting here? How is it that this guy who's supposed to be supportive of, you was completely unsupportive of you. And so all of this sort of self inquiry started to like crack me open and him breaking up with me actually left me very raw and vulnerable, and I think a great way, right.
Because then I was even like more open and willing, cause I kind of didn't have the mental energy anymore to put up a fight with myself because I had too much stuff going on.
[00:29:51] Damaged Parents: Oh, okay. So him breaking up was what tipped the scales a little bit, or at the end of the day, he's tipped the scales enough that there was too much. And you had to think of things.
[00:30:04] Heather Rider: Yeah, it was like, I hit a, sort of a rock bottom in my life and it was like because if you have high functioning anxiety I mean, we could seriously talk for an hour. We're all about that, but it is like a mechanism that propels you forward. It's like, you know, massive perfectionism control over everything.
Pushing yourself too hard, too much, like, just going above and beyond everything that you do. And so, yeah, I didn't have the energy for that anymore because my mom's sick over here. I'm trying to grapple with my daughter and things that were going on with her. I'm trying to heal myself.
This guy, breaks up with me and literally, it was just like, I can't keep doing things that I did before. I truly did not have the time or the energy. And that is what broke. It's like a, you know, something, like I said, cracked open, which is great. And that's what it takes for a lot of people, unfortunately, because the universe was nudging me along the way, by the way I say would say this all the time. I was
fricking ignoring it. And then it was like, okay, well, we're going to throw a brick upside your head since you didn't listen. And that's what it took for me to get to the point where I was like, okay, I've got to do some things differently.
here. Like none of this was working before. And so stuff starts to change.
It can change really quickly. When it needs to. And so that's what started to happen for me is this mental, thing of, shifting a lot and breaking down old patterns.
[00:31:34] Damaged Parents: So because I'm kind of losing the timeline. So it took we're at the four months, the whole breakup thing is happening. Are you still having the I'm thinking you're still having the auto-immune challenges or symptoms that are, that have come with that. And you've got this emotional stuff going on and did you have to change anything in the eating and things like that, or the holistic approach to auto-immune as you moved forward before the healing happened?
Well, all this emotional stuff was happening.
[00:32:03] Heather Rider: Yeah, I don't think I know what your question is. And the timeline's a little muddy because there's, I guess there's two parallel tracks, Right, But they're parallel, but they're also intertwined because I'm focused on healing, my physical body and would see changes and then wouldn't see any changes.
I was like, oh my God, I thought I was getting somewhere. And now nothing has happened for three months. You know, I'm a little bit better, but not all the way better. And then some grappling with that. But then I'm also shifting and changing from a mental perspective along the way, and trying other things that I hadn't done before, like I said, the journaling and reading new things that were new to me.
And, this is where the timeline definitely for me gets murky because it was about a year in. That I wound up going to see a Reiki healer. That's an energy healing modality, which believe me in the past, I never would have gone to do something like that, but somebody recommended it to me and I didn't even know what it was.
And this is an example of how much I had changed a year in because I used to be the person who'd research, everything. right.
Like, this is where I was saying I did the biohacking that's cause I was willing to research think for three or four hours a day. Well, so then they're like, Hey, you should go see this Reiki practitioner.
I didn't even know how to spell it. I mean, I had no idea. I found somebody on Yelp which was funny because I didn't it's spelled R E I K I, but I thought it was like Ray, like a Ray of sunshine and a key. So I spell like Raykey and then, something comes back on the internet. I was like, That is not how you spell that.
That's how you spell that. And then I was like, well, I don't know what this is exactly. I'm not even sure. And I was like, whatever. I mean, I literally was like, whatever. I've just found somebody on Yelp that was close to my house that had like a bunch of good reviews. And I go to see this woman and I was like, Hey, I've been having health problems for about a year.
I've got inflammation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, Okay.
this could help. And I was like, Okay.
I asked her no questions and she's like hop up on my table. And I was like, all right.
So I hop up on her table, and I had this mind blowing experience freaking out of this world, and this is so comical to me because when we're done, I'm sitting at this little table with her, and she's like taking my payment and I was so out of it and so loopy and I look at her and I go, who are you?
Like, what just happened? And all the things you would think to ask at the beginning, like, who are you, how did you do this? You know? And it was like, that's what I really looked at her. And I was like, what just transpired? And I tell that story because that is very different for me. Like, I had changed enough where I didn't have to research something.
I just, that is unheard of, for like the old Heather and to have tried something that is very woo. Like I wouldn't have done that before. I would've been like, that's total bullshit, you know, like little miss science, you know? so I had changed so much that I was like, well, again, like I've been eating this weird, like quote unquote weird diet for a year.
I might as well go lay on a table with some lady. I don't know. And see what happens.
[00:35:08] Damaged Parents: Almost like you had to shift into trusting what the universe would send your way Yeah. I just keep going back to the beginning where you research research, research, and now where you're trusting And like you said, I don't think there's a definitive moment that you could point to and go.
Yeah, this is when I changed. You can recognize the autoimmune came on. You could recognize when your boyfriend left and like there's some bigger moments, but figuring out when that little switch clicked over. I'm not sure that's possible. What are your thoughts on that? Because it's really, I just want the listeners to know what to look for
[00:35:44] Heather Rider: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:35:46] Damaged Parents: and I'm not sure we can give that to them.
[00:35:48] Heather Rider: Yeah. I don't think there's this like guide signs along the way. I definitely remember some things that you were, you know, trying to get to like, well, how do you know that things are changing? I do remember, being in my bed at night because my kids would, go over to their dads.
And so I'd be by myself. And I remember a couple times just being in my bed at night doing this little journaling thing and doing whatever I'm doing and just crying, just like having memories from childhood, come in, things that were very unresolved for me, past traumas, me just having like these memories of those times from when I was a kid just come in so strong and so palpable.
And me just crying like for that little girl.
Just letting it all out and just like sobbing, you know, and I remember a number of those times, and I know now that was a lot of healing. That was transpiring for me. It was just, I was just finally letting go and letting myself cry, which I had never done before. And so there are little waystations along the way that I can remember, but I would say for people, this is why I just try to say like the growth isn't linear thing. You're going to be in the middle of your healing journey and feel like, man, I'm doing fricking great. I'm over here trying this. And then you're going to be like, nothing's working, you know, and like been doing all these things and nothing's working and then you'll have a breakthrough.
So you just don't give up because then you have a breakthrough and you're like, oh my God, I was so close to quitting, like three weeks ago. And now just look what happened.
[00:37:19] Damaged Parents: That reminds me of how runners talk about breaking through the wall. I don't know if you'd like to run, but my understanding is when runners run, they start running and then they hit this wall where they have that mindset of, oh, I'm never going to make it. And then as they keep pushing, they break through and then they feel really good.
It almost sounds like. That's not just applicable in running, but also in, our lives , as struggle happens.
[00:37:47] Heather Rider: Yeah. I'm sure everyone who's listening has seen this cause it's so common now, and it is like that growth isn't linear thing where it's like on one side, is this chart with just like this, line going up to the right. And then the other side is like this bunch of squiggles.
That's like, whoa, but the arrow going over here and eventually you're on the upside, but it's like, you take a bunch of detours and it's all messy that's what really happens and, we do feel like we're getting somewhere. And then we feel like we're regressing a lot of the time and you're not regressing.
What happens is you have changed and the new version of you, whatever that is becomes your new normal. So then you quote unquote regress, but you're not dropping down to below where you were before, so that this is hard to describe. Let's say you take 10 steps forward and then you regress and it feels like you went 10 steps back, but you actually only went two steps back,
[00:38:47] Damaged Parents: or to the side or the, any direction.
[00:38:50] Heather Rider: Yeah, whatever, but yeah, so you've made eight steps of progress, but you don't feel that way. You felt like you made 10 and that you're back to zero, but you're not it just because you got so used to feeling better That any change back is like really not groovy with you. You're like, well, wait a minute.
I don't want to go back there at all. And so it feels like you've lost all this ground, but you haven't, you're still ahead of where you were before.
[00:39:17] Damaged Parents: That makes a lot of sense to me. And I liked that you gave 10 steps instead of just a few, two steps forward one step back because. when I visualize that in my mind , and or two steps back or two steps to the side or whatever it is, cause I was envisioning what you were talking about, the scribble that's, where that came from, but is that there is all that progress.
And I like how you said, and then you got used to where you were at. You really liked the progress of the 10 steps. And you're still not all the way back, but maybe you're just afraid that you're gonna go keep going back there. And that sounds to me like it could, gosh, what a mindset or a, place where you would have to be really cognizant or aware of what's happening in your mind when you're at the two steps back or to the side or spinning or whatever we want to, call that.
[00:40:07] Heather Rider: I have to tell this to my clients a lot, because it will seem. Like they've come so far. And then sometimes they'll have these like little breakdowns and it feels like, and there is like, there's such a desire to be different. Right. So then when you feel like, wait a minute, I thought I changed and I lost all of that.
It's gone. That's so disheartening. It's like, wait a minute. That's not true. And. it's a very much a compliment to them, right. That they're like committed and they're like, I want my life to be different. And I thought I got somewhere and it's like, you did get somewhere. And also, you know, this is why I say, like I had to hit rock bottom sort of thing.
It's like, you have to sometimes get to these places where it's like, I'm not satisfied with this. I'm not staying here. And so if you feel like you're regressing, sometimes that's useful, right? Because it's like, wait a minute. I'm not satisfied with this. I'm not, no. And then that's when you can have an explosive amount of growth again from that is because you like reaffirm and recommit to yourself that.
you're just going to keep going.
[00:41:16] Damaged Parents: I love that you are taking that and turning it on its side, if you will, or upside down or again, whichever direction we want to decide, it's going to be take that as a recognition. And not as a failure So now it's data it's information that says I'm not comfortable with where I'm at right now.
What can I do to move forward?
[00:41:40] Heather Rider: Yeah.
If you stay in that inquiry with yourself and you're just committed to changing, it's going to happen. To me, it seems inevitable. Honestly, you just stay on the frickin train and you just keep going and you just keep committing to yourself and something's going to shift.
[00:42:00] Damaged Parents: Yeah, it sounds like even if it feels weird, stay on the train.
[00:42:04] Heather Rider: Yes. And it should feel weird, right? Shouldn't it. Because if you've been locked into a way of being, and then you go to a new way of being, that's not going to be recognizable to you because that's not you anymore.
[00:42:18] Damaged Parents: Right. So it's actually really important that it feels weird. That's actually a really neat perspective. So maybe a question I could ask myself today is what's going to feel weird today, or how am I going to be surprised? Like.
[00:42:34] Heather Rider: I love that what's going to be weird today. This is reminding me, I started working with this client and he's tried a lot of things. Like I said, a lot of my folks have, and I do some unconventional things. And part of that is I do aroma therapy. I happened to know a lot about essential oils and there is science behind them, but they've gotten this sort of woo wrapped to them.
You know, It's like, oh, somebody breaks their arm. And they're like, oh, I'll just put some essential oil on it. Well, no, go to the doctor. But so he lives in another state. Most of my clients are not with me. I mailed them packages and I'm like, Hey, I'm sending you these things. And part of it is I'm going to have you do someone room with therapy techniques, and he's like, he goes, that sounds pretty new agey
and he had this moment. I could see where he was a little bit freaked out. He's like, wait a minute. That's new agey, whatever that means to him, put that in quotation marks and it kind of freaked him out a little and I could see him wrestling with himself and he goes, well, wait a minute.
He goes, maybe I need to try something. I don't remember if he said that weird word, the word weird or not. well, he goes, I've tried a lot of things and they haven't worked. So maybe it's time to try something different. And then he was okay. But he had to get to that place where I kind of confronted him.
That was a total surprise. I've never had anybody react that way. When I say I'm going to send them essential oils. And so I watched him grapple with that and that's what you and I are talking about, where he was like, this is pushing me outside of my comfort zone. Well, yeah, that's awesome.
[00:44:01] Damaged Parents: Yeah. It's that weird feeling is so uncomfortable. So sticking with it when it feels weird is really hard, especially if you already think you've jumped off some cliffs, if you will, right. To make these changes.
[00:44:18] Heather Rider: All you can do is keep coming back to what have I tried? And how's that worked for me?
And the answer usually is no, right. It's like, well, I tried that and that didn't work for me. So do I want to stay stuck right here? Or do I want to try something different?
[00:44:32] Damaged Parents: I love that you simplify it into those two questions. What have I tried? And is that working or has that worked for me? Because I'm also thinking of like black and white thinking when you said those questions, what popped into my mind was Like the, are you sure? Are you 100% sure. You know, , when people start coming up with negative thoughts and that could be the same in growth, right?
With your questions, I think you could actually probably interchange those questions for them to be helpful.
[00:45:00] Heather Rider: I love that. Yeah. this is a really simple technique, by the way. . I love this conversation because the reality is all of what you're saying is people are looking for some evidence that something is changing. And we've said, you may not see it right away. It may be longer than you think.
And why don't you. put it on the calendar that was going to take a lot longer than you think it is, because that's what I've learned and what, by the way, going back to when I was getting divorced, all these people were like, Yeah.
you shouldn't date for like, at least a year or a year and a half.
It's going to take you a lot longer to get over it than you think. And I was like, what are they talking about? That's ridiculous. I was like, oh my God, they were all completely right. It takes a lot longer than you think it is. And if you're looking for well, if I try this one day, am I going to receive the results the next day?
Maybe, but probably not. You've got to keep going. And if you're asking yourself simple questions, they can actually be really powerful. And this is a whole nother topic, but your brain. Wants problems to solve. That's what it does, right? It's a meaning making machine and everybody has this experience.
You go to bed and you wake up at two or three in the morning with an answer to something Right. Like, oh my God, I it's because your brain was working on it for you while you were asleep. So it gave you the answer. So that shows you right there because everybody has that experience. Oh, if you give your brain something to work on, it's going to work on it, whether you're paying attention to it or not.
So you might as well give it some questions to work on. Like, the simple things that we just said, like, well, what have I tried has that worked for me? And not with judgment, just like, oh, well, I wonder what else is possible for myself. Or, just like really simple questions. And then your brain's like, okay, well, I guess I'll go work on that while you're, like cleaning the bathtub,
[00:46:56] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I can't remember the name of the book, but I did read a book and I remember it talked about procrastination and how in the back of our mind I mean, think about procrastination when you're procrastinating. Are you not thinking about it
[00:47:11] Heather Rider: You're really, really thinking about it. And you're really unhappy not doing the thing that you're procrastinating about.
[00:47:18] Damaged Parents: Isn't that? I mean, it just, it amazes me. Gosh, I love this conversation. We've never really got to. I mean, I do want to ask one last question about the anxiety. Was it I'm thinking you noticed some peace or, what was it that you noticed that you were able to look back and go, oh, this is different than it was.
[00:47:38] Heather Rider: Yeah. It was the sense of calmness that came in. And like I said, my mind was going. All the time before, and I would notice that that wasn't happening. And I would notice that all the things that would make me wound up or just kind of gone, and I would just find myself like really relaxed and recognize like, oh, wait a minute.
Like, I'm just here in this moment. My brain wasn't partially somewhere else. I wasn't worrying about things. it was.
just like a sense of calm. And so when I talk about the anxiety leaving, I always use this phrase. It's like, it, melted away.
[00:48:16] Damaged Parents: Huh. That's an interesting way to explain anxiety because when I think of anxiety, I think very busy hamster wheel, like we talked about at the beginning of the podcast, and then for you to say it melted away, I'm envisioning like a glacier melting, if you will, or an ice piece of ice and melting, which is not fast moving.
[00:48:37] Heather Rider: Yeah. When I think of melting away. That's interesting. I think of like candle wax melting away. and I think that's a good expression because of like a warmth that comes in, right. When something is melting it's because there's something warm underneath it, right. Or on it, and it, like the anxiety was just like a wound up ball and it's like, it just started oozing like it's just oozing out and it wasn't there anymore. Cause it lost its structure. Ah, I love that. It's like it lost its forum and just like couldn't hold a maintain itself anymore.
[00:49:11] Damaged Parents: Okay. That makes a lot of sense to me too. Okay. We are at the end of the podcast, which I promised you that you would, well, I'm not sure if I promise, but three tips or tools that people could do right now. Or that you would recommend if they're in the midst of a struggle or they're on that journey you were talking about with the 10 steps forward, two steps back, just something that they could do today that would help them with their struggle.
[00:49:39] Heather Rider: I mean, I say this in complete and total genuineness, anybody who's listening deserves a happy life. So the first thing you can do is tell yourself I deserve to be happy and just know that, just know you deserve it. Somebody else isn't special. And you're not like you get to have happiness. Then the other thing is to really just be aware of your body throughout the day.
Your body is sending you signals all the time that are sort of reaction to your emotions. We get really good at shoving our emotions down. People think anxiety was shoving those down for a really long time, but people are prone to noticing their body a lot of the time, like if a sensation doesn't quote, unquote, feel good.
They'll notice that. So another thing that you can do is say, wait a minute like my chest is feeling constricted or, oh, my stomach feels like it's in a ball of knot like that sort of expression. Notice that and say, wait a minute, my body's trying to tell me something. What is my body trying to tell me that can be a really great tool in to start having some insights about yourself.
And then we already talked about this, but asking yourself really powerful questions without judgment is a great way to start to access your subconscious mind so that you can make change where it needs to be made, which is at the subconscious level.
[00:51:06] Damaged Parents: Yeah, what a great conversation we were able to have today. I'm so glad I got to have you on Heather Rider with Heather Rider Coaching Fantastic. Love it.
[00:51:17] Heather Rider: Thank you so much. I loved chatting with you.
[00:51:19] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Heather about how she learned about her high functioning anxiety and was able to drop the perfectionism. We especially liked when she reminded us, if it's not working, try another way. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on Facebook look for damaged parents We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then
