Episode 71: Loving After Loss of a Child
Sherrie Dunlevy
Sherrie Dunlevy is a best selling author, speaker, podcast host.
She is the founder of the the "Graduating Grief” and "ALL THINGS AWESOME" communities on Facebook, which are dedicated to LIVING a life of meaning, passion and impact, and shining a light on all the GOOD that exists in the world.
Social media and contact information:
www.sherriedunlevy.com
Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn; Sherrie Dunlevy
Groups:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/gradgrief
https://www.facebook.com/groups/inspirationista/
Additional information:
To order a copy of her best selling book “How Can I Help?” go to www.SherrieDunlevy.com/author.
To invite Sherrie to speak at your next event, conference or to book a "How Can I Help?"- Workshop at your business, hospital or school, contact Sherrie at SherrieDunlevy@gmail.com
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where lost sad, heartbroken people come to learn. Maybe. Just maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage itself, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole.
Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Sherrie Dunlevy. She has many roles in her life, mother author of how can I help and more? We'll talk about how she lost her newborn child and how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome Sherry to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We're so glad to have you here today.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:02:01] Thank you. It's my pleasure to be here.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:03] Yes. Now you've written a book, right? And you've got a podcast.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:02:08] Right?
Damaged Parents: [00:02:09] Tell us about that. Yeah.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:02:11] Well, I wrote a book. It took a long time to write this book because I really fought the calling to write the book. But I wrote the book, how can I help your go-to guide? For helping loved ones through life's difficulties. So it's what basically a guidebook to show you what to do and say to help those people in your life that are going through a really rough time in life, whether they lost someone they loved, or whether they've been diagnosed with the disease or whether they lost their job, or whether they're going through a divorce, you know, what can you do and say that allows you to step up and be a good friend when they need a good friend.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:48] Yeah. And what does that look like? Right.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:02:51] Yeah. And it wasn't just my, it wasn't just me telling you, I interviewed a lot of people that have gone through all of this, and I wanted to know what did your friends and family do? What really helped you the most? What did they say? What did they do? What was unique? What's something that stuck with you.
And then also what were some of the things that were not so helpful? And I don't say wrong. I'd say not so helpful because my opinion is if someone steps out, even if they say something awkwardly, if their intentions are pure and loving, then we need to give them a break. Because the reason that we don't know what to do and say, because we don't practice it, we don't talk about death.
We don't talk about grief. And so I wrote that book and then I really had a heart to serve women and I didn't know how those two were going to meet. And then one day I realized that, Oh, you need to help people graduate from their grief, graduate from the pain. So they can start stepping back into life again and loving their life again after loss.
And that has just. You know, it's not even a year old, but that is my mission and message because I just feel that sometimes when, when we lose someone we love or we lose something we love. And boy, this past year, a lot of us have done that. We can either let it destroy us or we can grow from it.
Like we always hear about the post-traumatic stress, but we never hear about the post-traumatic growth that can come from it. And that is so possible. And. I just want people to know that you can live your life. You can, you don't have to just survive. You can thrive and you can love your life again, no matter what happens.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:37] And it sounds like this is something that could be applied to almost any loss.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:04:43] Yes. Yes. And it's not specific to death, but most people, when you hear grief, that's the first thing you think of. But I mean, my goodness, let's just take a look at this past year. All of us have grieved in some manner. Are currently grieving. We're grieving the loss of our freedom. Our teens and children are grieving a loss of their friends and their freedoms and their school year and their proms and their athletic seasons and their graduation and people are grieving their weddings.
And, you know, I mean, That's just the tip of the iceberg, right? Then we're not even talking about the people that have lost people through this pandemic. So this has been a very challenging year, but we get to write the narrative as to how we get through this year. And when we get. And through this time through this pandemic and when we get to the other side and let's look down the road 15 years and our children or grandchildren ask us about it, how are we going to tell that story?
We're going to be the heroes and the survivors. Are we going to be the victims? we have a choice of how we're going to write that narrative, because if you listen to any veteran, tell a war story. They always lived to tell it, but they could literally be left for dead in their story, but something turned around and they got back up and they moved through it, even if they were rescued, but they were transformed in some way.
And they lived to tell the tale right.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:21] Yeah. And sometimes I think people come along that like you were saying, rescue that help rescue. And then sometimes I think that we have to look up and see if even someone is there or maybe not, or, and recognize that it's our choice to reach out
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:06:44] Yes, absolutely. I agree. So if I can just let everybody know the reason that I write about grief and I wrote, you know, and I have a podcast is my husband and I lost our son. Yeah. 22 years or 22 years ago. And sometimes we expect people to rescue us, but then sometimes help is available and people want to help, but they don't know you need the help.
So you need to sometimes ask for help and you need to open yourself up to receive the help you don't have to be. I'm fine. I'm brave. I can get through this. You know, I remember an incident when my son died and my dad just had this. He just wanted to hug me and hold onto me. And that's not what I wanted.
I did not want that, but I knew he had a need to do that. Right. That was what he needed to do. That was how he was showing his love for me. And so I allowed it right. And there was still an exchange of love, even though it wasn't what I wanted or needed at the time, I had to look at what he needed and what he wanted to give, because sometimes what we need from people and what they want to give can be two different things.
And if you're not open. Just to the message of love and support, you can miss those moments.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:03] I think that's really easy to do to miss those moments and what I. I'm hearing you say is you gave the gift of receiving, even when you were in a moment where it was really difficult for you and how did that help or what outcome maybe did you notice? Because you're willing to give the gift of receiving, even though it wasn't what you thought you needed in that moment.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:08:29] I don't know. I honestly think it must've been divine. I listened a lot to my intuition and I allow myself to true truly listen. And I just, and to be almost in obedience but say, okay, it's okay. I will allow, you know, I will allow this. This is probably a good thing. I can't explain it other than maybe it was a divine knowing.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:53] Yeah, well, and it sounds like a safe person, right? Dad wanting to hug you. That's not a bad thing
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:09:01] no.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:03] versus letting someone do something that is not appropriate, right? Like that isn't safe.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:09:08] You still have to have boundaries. Absolutely. You know, but no one ever tried to cross those boundaries and believe me, I would rather, and I love hugs, but it was just the moment where I was in my grief journey that. I can't even describe it. I just didn't want, I wanted my son. I didn't want anybody else or anything else.
I just wanted my son. Right. And and I guess my dad wanted his daughter, I don't know what to say about that, other than it was a beautiful moment. And I'm glad that I allowed it. And like you said, received it because sometimes, you know, especially as women, we're givers, we want to be fixers.
And and sometimes we just need to receive, we just need to take a step back and say, you know what for now, if you want to give it to me, bring it on. Let's go, you know,
Damaged Parents: [00:09:56] I love that perspective. So you are here to talk about that journey though, in getting through that journey. So if you could just tell us how that started for you, what the journey was like. I know we're talking a little bit about that now, but walk us through that journey and how you got to the point of, of even being capable of writing the book.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:10:20] Okay, well it started with our first ultrasound. This was our second child, our second. And we wanted to find out I was, we didn't find out with our first son. We wanted to find out if this, if I got to shop for pink or whether I should hold onto my other son's clothes and so my husband and I went in and the technician came back, I was getting dressed and she said, Mrs.
Dunlevy can you come back here? Wait, we need to take a few more pictures. Just there was just something that told me. This is, she did not say anything that was alarming, but I just knew. So we found out that my son had something called a diaphragmatic hernia. And for people who don't know what that is, and you can't Google it because I can't even spell it.
But Basically when a child is forming in the womb, their diaphragm eventually seals off their abdominal cavity from their chest cavity, right? It's the muscle that grows across, and this did not grow all the way across. There was a hole there which when the baby was forming, then all of his abdominal organs went up through that hole and everything was growing in his chest cavity.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:24] So this is happening while he's growing inside of you. Okay.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:11:29] Yes. there are not a lot of survivors of this even to this day. And at the time when Brandon, when I was pregnant with Brandon I think they had made really no more, the, the mortality rate was no better in 1999 than it was in 1942. And little boys had less chance of survival.
So we've got the odds stacked against us. And finally we found that there were two centers that would look at possibly doing surgery and in the womb. And we went through all that testing. I mean the whole pregnancy was just testing children's hospital after children's hospital.
Finally, it was just, you know what his odds are too good. It's only worst case scenarios that they go in and do that surgery. His odds are just a little too good that maybe he can survive outside and long enough to have this repairative surgery. So the game plan was he was going to be born. He was going to be intubated, immediately transferred to a children's hospital, and then they were going to monitor him.
So long story short. My, my son lived for 29 days. He did have the surgery, the surgery was successful, but I don't know what happened, but one day his organs just started shutting down and, uh, yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:47] Yeah, so. When you were pregnant, you know, this is happening all along the way. Did it help to keep hope or what did you hang on to during that time of pregnancy that you were able to keep moving forward?
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:13:02] You know, it was very challenging too, because I didn't tell you, but I was a television news anchor. So I was living this publicly.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:10] Oh, no.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:13:11] Yeah. So, in my audience truly, I mean, they saw me get married. They saw me, they were, you know, they saw my first son. This was very hard. So hope it was, it was just hope.
It was, it was really, uh, I'm a, I'm a very spiritual person and it was, this is what this is. This is what this is supposed to be. And so I'm going to play this out. I've done that a lot in my life is just, okay, this is it. This is what we have. So let's see where this goes and of course there's always hope.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:48] Yeah, and I'm just, I couldn't help this thought cross my mind, even with all of those supporters, I'm thinking there, there were still times you felt very alone.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:13:59] You know, I had a two year old, I did, I did feel alone, but you know, when you have a two year old and you have a career, it was until I was on the bedrest when I had to go on bedrest, I felt okay. When I had to go on the bed rest. Yes, I did. I did feel alone. I did feel alone and very, you know, and I'm not, you know, I'm looking back 22 years and I'm acting like I had my life together back then.
Okay. It wasn't, I was scared. Anybody who wanted to pray for me, anybody who wanted to send me hope and healing and love and anything you wanted to send our way I'm I was willing to receive it.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:39] I think that's fantastic though, because there's so many people that when struggle and challenge come in, It's I need to hibernate. I need to hide it. And it sounds like you were just very, very open as this is what I'm going through and yes, please. I need that. Whatever it is, I need it. And that's a vulnerable, I think, personally, right?
I'm one of those I tend to hermit, but I think that can be a very vulnerable thing to do and say, Hey, I need this. What do you, what are your thoughts? And how did you. Well, from my perspective, how did you find courage to do that? Right? Maybe you just are okay with it. I don't know.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:15:21] I think I'm okay with it. I honestly, I think that that's part of it, but another part of it is. I just feel and, you know, I don't know if it's my religious upbringing or whatever, but I just feel the more positive energy that is being sent my way. And the more prayer that is being sent up on behalf of my family or my son that that's powerful, that's powerful energy being sent for.
Good. And so the more power and energy that you can send out for good, the better the outcome is. Right. And so I'm all about that. I am all about that. So you want to send a prayer my way you want to send good love vibes my way on behalf of my child, please let's do it. You know?
Damaged Parents: [00:16:09] Yeah.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:16:10] and it wasn't, I wasn't necessarily, you know, for my behalf, but for my son, if you can send it up and send it out and it can make a difference, then and raise the vibration of the planet, let's do it.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:22] Yeah. Yeah, no, that's awesome. I just wanted to investigate that because of my perception and some other things. So thank you for really trying to understand that for us. I really appreciate it. Or articulate it for us now. son's born, he was intubated and taken to another hospital. Were you able to follow fairly quickly or what was that like?
I mean, did you get to hold him?
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:16:47] That was the hardest part. I never got to. They warned us, your son, if his lungs inflate, it could kill him. So we have to intubate him immediately. So we're, you're not going to hear him cry. And I had to have a C-section, so they're sewing me up. They have him, they're trying to stabilize him.
They have a transport team there onsite. I mean, everything was planned to a tee. I had nine, I think doctors in the delivery went room with me. And I remember them wheeling him up to me. And I remember, I remember seeing him blinking his eyes and that is the only time I saw my son move because he was in a medically induced coma, the rest of the time.
And he had to have blinders on his eyes. He had to have cotton in his ears. He couldn't have any clothes on, I couldn't stroke his skin. Because any. Stimulation of his senses could send his body in shock and kill him. So, That was very, very, very, very hard. Plus I'm across town in a women's hospital, high risk women's hospital and had a C-section.
So I can't even get over across town to see him. So my husband immediately is with my son. And I think that you talked about, do you ever feel alone? The most alone I ever felt was They take moms whose babies like die or are taken from them and they put them on like another floor, then maternity floors.
They put them on another floor, like with hysterectomies and things like that, so that you don't hear other babies. And there was none, it was just horrible to finally be released from the hospital with no baby in your arms. That was very, and I felt alone because my husband was with my son and everybody else was taking care of him.
And I just felt so alone in that hospital by myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:46] Yeah, that makes sense. And there wasn't even, I'm torn in thinking that I would have been easier to stay on the floor with the children, because then I think I've, would've wondered still with the loss with the newborns or if moving and that quietness is worse and I'm, I don't know.
I think both would have been painful and really hard.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:19:09] I don't know. And I don't even know if I had a choice, you know, like I can't, you know, like I said, it's 22 years ago, so I don't even know if I had a choice. I think they just told me that's what they were going to do. And I said, okay.
I don't know. I can't remember. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:26] right. And at that point, I think, how could you mind, you're worried about your son, your husband's gone, your other sons being taken care of. I want to just really thank you for your vulnerability. I know this is really hard and painful to talk about aloneness.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:19:42] So many of us. Feel alone in our journeys a lot of times. And there's room for that. I think, I don't know. There's a difference between feeling alone and being alone and it's okay to be alone. I just don't want people to feel alone.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:57] Yeah. You know, that's such like an internal thing that happens. I'm just wondering how to help in that area. And if you've thought about that,
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:20:10] Well, I think honestly, we need to have uncomfortable conversations with people. And I think that's one of the things that, that I've learned from all of this is that I'll go there with anyone. So I'm willing to have that uncomfortable conversation with you. I'm willing to say, are you feeling alone?
You know, do you, do you, I don't want you to feel alone, but if you want to be alone, that's okay. Because sometimes you need to be alone to process, to process what's going on to maybe meditate, to pray to just, just to calm yourself down. But feeling alone means that you're feeling unsupported and I don't want people to feel unsupported.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:54] So many times though, I don't know when someone else is feeling alone and maybe even they tell me they want to be alone. So how would there be supportiveness in that? Or how would one support another person besides just saying, Hey, I'm here.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:21:12] Ask them. Just say, I don't know what to say to you right now, but I want to support you. I always tell people I have ears that work, and shoulders you can cry on. So if you want me to come over and just sit. while you cry or listen, I can do that. And if you want to be left alone, that's fine too. But I don't drop it at that. If they say I want to be left alone, then I pick up the phone and I call them a couple of days later or I message them because, I just recently had a loss. It wasn't, it wasn't my child, but it was my dog who was like my child.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:48] There's a special love for animals.
I think that some people don't get, but
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:21:53] no. Yeah. And I was devastated and people were calling me because everyone kept saying you're so connected to that dog that when he dies, I'm going to really worry about you. And I was starting to worry about me too, because our bond was so like tight, but People would call me. And I didn't want to talk to anybody and I didn't pick up the phone, but they left messages and I listened to every message.
I just wasn't ready to have a conversation yet. So that's what I always tell people, leave them a message and don't tell him to call you back. Don't leave any expectation for them to call you back. Say, I'll call you back in a couple of days to see how you're doing and maybe they'll talk them. And then maybe they won't.
It's not about you. It's about supporting them where they are. Eventually they will pick up the phone. Don't stop. Don't take that as they don't want to talk to me. Take that as they need time. And I'm going to love you through this, and I'm going to, I'm going to check on you , every other day, first, every week, every, you know, every other week, I'm going to be checking on you someday and leave those messages.
And it's more important. I think even like after the funeral, after everybody leaves, you know, this is the time where, Oh my gosh, it's you really like. Everybody's left. Everybody's gone. Right? All these people come forward for you and then they disappear and that's when you really need the support. So I always try to even send cards a month after just so that you know, that someone is still holding space for them.
Someone said, you know, holding sacred space for someone, and I love that term. And it's just, you hold this space for them, for whatever. They need to do or whatever they need to receive or whatever, but you have that space for them and you're making that space for them.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:47] I love what you said about connecting after everyone is gone. And I also love the idea of leave those messages, send those texts. And it's not about you as the supporter. It's about where they're at, because it is possible to take that as rejection.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:24:09] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:10] And it's not, it's not about that. It's because you're in the midst or whomever is in the midst of processing and maybe can't talk right now.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:24:21] Yes, yes. Yeah, exactly.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:24] Yeah. And that gets into the whole empathy thing for me.
So many times in communication, it is hard to remember that what someone is telling us is more about where they're at in relation to us than it is about us.
Does that make sense?
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:24:44] Yes, but
Damaged Parents: [00:24:44] if it is.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:24:45] But, you know, everybody's favorite radio station where they say is w I F M what's in it for me. So that was concentrated. It's concentrated on me. We always, you know, turn it back to us. And that's what, in my book, it's one of the things I tell people, this is not about you.
This is about them. This is not about your fear. This is not about your fear of what I'm afraid. I'm going to say the wrong thing, or I, it freaks me out or it weirds me out. I don't do well in hospitals. I don't do well with death. This isn't about you. This is this. What this is about is this is about how you want to show up for a friend.
You don't want to show up for a friend then that's what this is about. If you do want to show up for a friend and you're going to put your big girl panties panties on, and you're going to show up for your friend. Now, I will tell you that there are certain things that are feel more comfortable than other things, you know?
So if. It freaks you out that you can't go to a viewing or showing maybe what you can do is prepare a funeral luncheon or watch the kids or something, or watch the dogs or watch the house while everybody's at the funeral home or funeral parlor. Right. There are ways around it that if you have deep seated fears around things, but I will tell you that one of my friends, I mean, deathly afraid of hospitals.
And she said, she called me up. I had my C-section and my son was in a hospital that was 60 miles away from our home. So when I finally was released from the hospital, I wasn't allowed to drive for two weeks. So I couldn't drive myself to the hospital . And so she said, is there anything I can do?
To help you. And I said, you can drive me to the hospital. I know I'm asking you something really big right now, but I need a ride to the hospital. And I thought, you know, she would just drop me off and go do something. But she literally came in and that was huge for her. And I remember that all these years, she didn't make it about her and her fear.
She stepped up. To be that friend when I needed her the most.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:58] Yeah. That says so much to me that you were more important than that fear and what a deep loving connection I bet you cherish that friendship so
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:27:11] Because the reason that I wrote the book is because another friend who. I thought it was going to say, I have a sitter for the kids. Hang on, I'm coming. You know, I'm going to be there. She said, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't handle this. And she said goodbye. And that was it. I never heard from her. And then six years later, she called me and just wanted to catch up.
And I thought, no, that doesn't get to happen now. I'm sorry. But that. That doesn't get to happen. And so really that is where the book came from because I thought, why wasn't she there? Why do people just back out of your life too? Two of my husband's friends did that, and one of my dear friends did that, and they just abandoned us when we needed them the most.
And I just thought if there was some kind of resource out there to help people then maybe relationships could be saved.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:06] Yeah. And yeah, that's really hard to even think about.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:28:12] Yeah, but a lot of people do, they get caught up in their fears. You know, I lost a child if you're pregnant or if you having children. And you're just trying to even imagine, put yourself in my shoes, it can be the most frightening thing in the world. Right. That's why a lot of people, that's what I've found out.
You know, a lot of people with cancer, they tell me. All of a sudden, I felt as if my friends thought I was contagious, they just disappeared. You know, some people run to, and some people run from and it's painful. It's painful. It is, it is like compounded, suffering. It's compounded suffering when you disappear like that.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:50] Well, especially in a time of need, because again, Them leaving is so much more about them than it is about us or whomever is suffering at that time. And yet it just seems to magnify it to no end that pain and suffering because it's needed. Right.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:29:08] Yes, it's it's needed and I've since forgiven them. And I'm so glad that that, you know, I. I wasn't even thinking about writing that book. But after that incident happened, then I started thinking about it and I started actually looking for books like this. Right. I would go Google it and I would go on Amazon and I would walk into bookstores and look for it.
And every time I would come out, I would hear this inner voice going. You can look all you want, but it's not gonna, you're not gonna find it until you write it. Oh, my gosh, really? I don't write books.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:41] Right it, but were really trying to investigate so that you could understand, it sounds like from a, from the perspective of having empathy, instead of taking it on as your own,
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:29:52] Right? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And that is what for the longest time I kept it on the shelf. Because I didn't want this to be about me and my story. I had to tell a little bit of my story so that people could understand it, but, and I didn't want to be like this. You're reading it. And you feel like I'm pointing my finger at you.
Right. Like you need to do this, you
Damaged Parents: [00:30:19] I call that the, you, you, you
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:30:21] Yeah. Yeah. And I like I needed other people first to read it. And then I would say, did you, while reading it ever feel like I was pointing my finger at you because that is not what the intention was. The intention was taking it from the assumption is, I know you want to be a good friend.
I know you're afraid. I know you don't know what to do. I know you don't know what to say. I know that maybe you want to say something desperately and you're so afraid that it's going to be the wrong thing. And so you you're just going to sit back, but I'm begging you. Don't sit back. Do something, there is something you can say and do read this book, find something that resonates with you and do it, just do it in, save your relationship and step up and be that friend that your friend needs you to be.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:08] Yeah. I think this is so deep seated, right? Okay. let me just explain to you what happened and then maybe you can help me make the connection because it keeps coming up for me during our conversation.
So I put on Facebook in a Facebook group. I asked for people to give compliments. And then I gave compliments to a bunch of people. And what happened was, as they, as they turned around, they turned around and they gave compliments to me and the instruction was not to do so. And yet that was what happened.
And it happened not just on Facebook, but also in TikTok and I've had to remind people. Okay, thank you while appreciated. Please give a compliment to someone else. And I'm still trying to figure out how this connects and I think it's that deep seated while they must need me to give them a compliment.
Maybe that's the idea. Cause your thing, because of what you were saying about the,
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:32:06] I think it might be that they see you as a light. Right, because I'll say the same thing. I will do put a post out there too. And then it comes back to me and it's like, no, no, no, you're not getting it. You know, you're missing the point. Thank you. But no, do this to someone else, but then again, I feel like then I'm rebuffing something, but I don't want it to be like, I wasn't fishing for compliments people.
That's not why I put this here. And this isn't about me. This is about let's share it out into the world. Right. But for some reason, it's coming back to me and it's like, Oh, you people, you miss the point.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:42] Yeah. And I think actually, I finally, as you were saying, finally made the connection because that's what your book was. Your book was this, I don't want this to be about me. I want this to be about you and how you grow and. What you do with that? So maybe the reason I kept coming back to that is because when people make compliments to other people and it really gets paid forward, that makes it more about them than it does about me.
Okay. Thank you for walking me through that because it just kept coming back to me as we were talking.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:33:12] yes. Yeah. I get that. I get that. So, yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:16] I think it is, I'm really hard on social media to share and. And then for, like you were saying, a lot of people would compliment you back. So what do you do now to help spread that love so that it ripples out and not just ripples back?
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:33:33] Well, I have created a couple of things on social media. The first one is actually, uh, it is a. Group in Facebook called all things awesome. And the whole idea behind that, and I call myself a re recovering television news anchor. I spent 16 years really, you know, just living in the space of the world's worst news.
And then we would be like the gatekeepers. It would all come into us and then come to me and then I would decide what I pushed out to everybody else. Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:10] Oh, wow. So you've really got, you've really got every possible story and then you've got you chose
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:34:17] Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah. When you're doing that for 16 years, you see the world as a really awful place. And so what I decided, and then with social media, okay. Now everybody has an opinion about all that. And I just heard too many people saying, you know what? I I'm just so tired of social media.
Everyone's so mean everyone bullies the politics. And so I thought I'm going to create a group where everything in it is awesome. All the content, it can be great recipes. It can be goats on trampolines. It can be yoga, it can be breathing techniques. It can be children, drawing, uh, with Sharpie on the grandfather space.
I don't care. It's not anything that, it's all the fun things that you see on social media, without any of the vitriol, any of the devices and things that would divide you. And the idea is that if you're a member, you get to see all this, everyone gets to share in, but then I ask everyone let's share out.
So that we can be a bright light and a beacon too. So that was the first thing that I did. And that's just, just to be a good human. Okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:23] That's funny. I use that statement too.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:35:25] yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:35:26] I do.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:35:27] and then the second thing that I started during this pandemic, because I realized so many people were suffering and And so many people, I was working with the organization doing a podcast for grief anonymous and, wonderful organization.
But I was going into a lot of grief groups online. And I was finding that so many people who were newly grieving were being. Told that they would never feel better. Again, especially the ones who had lost children, by other parents, would say, well, your life will never be the same. you'll never be happy again.
And I just thought, that's not true. It's not true. My life is a beautiful life and it's a wonderful life and I'm very grateful and it is, My son's life and death was a chapter of my life, but it is not my whole life. It was my son's life. My life goes on. And so, again, I told you, you know, I just seem to be guided and I listened to internal.
I just listen, I call them divine downloads and that's why I started my other group called graduating grief. And it is. How to step out of the pain. Of your grieving and step back into loving your life again, because I don't want people to not ever think that they can't be happy again, they can't love their life again, that their life is not worth living because someone they love has died or because their husband left them or because they were diagnosed with something or because they were in an accident and can't walk anymore, A lovely, beautiful life can be had, and yes, it's different, but today is different than yesterday and tomorrow will be different than today.
So everything is always changing. And so, If we accept what happens, we don't have to like what happens, but if we accept what happens instead of asking why, why did this happen to me? Why did he take my son? Why did my son have to die? I started asking the question, okay, what now? What do I do now? How do I want to live now?
How do I, you know, and at first it's gloomy, it's horrible, but eventually you have to decide, you have to decide. And so I want to help, you know, especially women with this, want to help women love their life. Again, it's worth it.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:00] It is. It really is. And I just want to talk about the word decide because I think it's powerful and it's for instance, I think there's a little story about 10 birds on a wire. And if one decides let's see, how does it go? I think it's like 10 birds are on a wire and one decides to fly how many birds are on the wire?
It's a little riddle,
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:38:24] Yeah, right.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:25] And. There's still 10 birds on the wire, and yet just deciding changes something inside. And pretty soon the one who had decided finds they're not on the wire anymore
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:38:40] Right,
Damaged Parents: [00:38:41] half that, not even half, I mean, it just takes a moment to go, okay, I want this to be different.
And then, you know, it's like wanting change, right? if I tell me if I'm wrong, if I want change or I decide I want change, the decision is made. And then a little bit, I just start noticing little things and then making new choices.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:39:05] right. Choice, choice.
That's that's the, that's the word, because see, there's a lot of people that want things to change, but there are a lot of people who won't choose to change anything. They want everyone else to change and the world to change and the government to change and they want everyone else to do the changing, but not them
Damaged Parents: [00:39:27] So in addition to deciding, then we have to make sure we make choices in line with that
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:39:34] Absolutely.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:36] In the choice is where the power is.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:39:38] Absolutely.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:40] I love it. Yeah. I, it really enjoyed our conversation. This is so much fun. Okay. Three tips or tools. I know we've talked about a lot. What are three things you want people to focus on?
If they're going through loss and grief or what are three things that helped you that you want to make sure that you point out.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:39:59] Feel it feel it. We want to skip over. We want to go around. We want to go over. We want to go under, I used to say, I'm putting my grief on the back burner. I don't have time for me. And as, especially as women, a lot of times, well, I've got another child to take care of. I've got this.
And I did put my grief on a back burner and your body will hold it and it will store it somewhere and it will rear its ugly head. And other ways, a year later, I sneezed in my sleep. On mother's day. And my disk exploded in my back. You have to deal with your grief. Feel it that's uncomfortable. We don't like doing uncomfortable things.
Grief is one of the most uncomfortable things and loss one of the most uncomfortable things that we are going through and we it's our natural human instinct to want to stay safe. But everything surrounding it is uncomfortable. The feelings around it, it uncomfortable. The fear around it is uncomfortable.
The people being there, not there, the chaos is uncomfortable, everything is uncomfortable. And we just have to realize that that's how it's going to be for awhile. And we've got to do it anyhow. So feel your feelings. Do the work time does not heal all wounds time and hard work heals wounds. And be open to receiving support and don't take offense.
If I'm adding another one, don't take offense with the awkwardness of others and what they say or what they do if they show up and you know, their intentions are loving and supportive. If they say the wrong thing or they do the wrong thing, extend some grace to them because at least they're there for you.
You know, people say, he said, I'll never forgive them because they said that, you know, my son was better off there. My son, isn't better off. They're just trying in their own awkward way to make you feel to, to relieve some pain and pressure and some, and, and just trying to say whatever they could to, to offer, to ease your suffering in some manner.
Maybe if you saw it that way, right. So that's, those are just a few tips that I'd like to offer the griever.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:07] I love it. Thank you so much for being on the show. I've really enjoyed our conversation.
Sherrie Dunlevy: [00:42:12] I have to Angela. Thank you.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:14] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Sherrie about how she lost her child, her dog and how she found health and healing. We especially liked when she spoke about letting her father hug her. To unite with other damaged people. Connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents will be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
