Episode 7: Dad Died when I was 8
Elliott Vang
Bio: Elliott Vang is a Certified High Performance Coach. He guides people to self-discover new habits and tools so they can enjoy a life that they create and design. He utilizes his positive energy and sense of humor to create a relaxed and nurturing environment for growth. He helps his clients to overcome their limiting beliefs, create incredible changes, and to stretch their thinking to have ambitious dreams. He leads 1-on-1 private coaching sessions and facilitates group coaching calls as well.
Find Elliot here:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/elliott.vang.735/
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/talkwithele/?hl=en
Website – elliottvang.com
Podcast Transcript
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were twisted, wrecked, smashed people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about in my ongoing investigation of the damage self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damage to person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Elliot Vang. He has many roles in his life. Father, son, husband, high-performance coach. Funnyman and more. We'll talk about how life can be a slippery slope. When you start skipping school, being smart isn't what it's all about. And being genuinely yourself is important.
Let's talk.
Hey Elliott, welcome to Relatively Damaged.
Elliot Vang: [00:02:14] hi, Angela. It's awesome. So awesome to be , on your podcast and your platform. , I'm just honored to be on with you. So I appreciate the time that you're giving me to come and share about my story of my journey.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:25] Yeah, definitely. Definitely. , I was reading a little bit about you earlier in. , I was really struck by you were let's see, your dad passed away when you were eight and your mom was severely limited in her reading. What was that like?
Elliot Vang: [00:02:45] Uh, very challenging. I chuckled because like growing up at that point right away when all of that happened, I thought that I was smarter than my mom. I knew more than my mom. I was more educated than her. And so I was like, okay, I know better than her. She doesn't know as much as I do right at that point.
And then later on looking back, I was like, Yes. She may not have be as may not have been as educated as I was. I may not have known the English language as much as I did, but she has so much wisdom, but she , so many years of life experiences that she can offer me. Right. This is this wasn't until I got a little bit older and looking back and seeing that.
So, but growing up without a dad was a, , a real. Struggle like it was challenging and, , it was hard.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:35] now as a male, I think that would be really hard. But you also had older brothers and sisters. There were a lot of you. How many were there? Nine, eight,
Elliot Vang: [00:03:45] So there are nine of us. Yeah, there are nine total, but the two older ones, , passed away. , when they were young from malnutrition, right. They were born in Laos. They passed away at a very young age. I never got to meet them. , but I still like to say that there were nine of us.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:02] of course they were part of your family. So, , you were, which what number were you? You were number
Elliot Vang: [00:04:08] Number six.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:09] six. So number six I'm I'm thinking that there were not five girls in front of you that there's gotta be a male in there somewhere.
Elliot Vang: [00:04:17] Yeah. So the two older ones are my two older brothers who passed away. And then the three that are right older than me. I have two older brothers and older sister.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:26] Okay. So there's , still two older brothers and a sister. Okay. And then you've got some younger than you.
Elliot Vang: [00:04:31] Yes. I have a two younger sisters and a younger brother.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:34] Nice. Now those older brothers, did they pick up some of those fatherly roles?
Elliot Vang: [00:04:43] My oldest brother did. Yes. He, well, not, not necessarily for me, but for the family. Right? Cause like a little bit, my dad was the breadwinner. My mom was the homemaker. She didn't know the language. Well, , she wasn't working. So my older brother. Took it upon himself to go get a job and. Have money coming in income, coming into the family. , but that was hard, right? He was, I was a, the one, my brother who was a sleep disorder to me, it was 10. And then the oldest brother was 14. Right. , so you mean then he had to wait two years before he could go get a job. So it was a real struggle, a real challenge. And so we grew up poor and we were in poverty and there were seven of us that.
Lived right. The six I'm sorry, the seven kids plus my mom. Right? So the eight of us total, we lived in a three bedroom place. Right. So we all kind of just fit in where we could kind of thing. So , it was struggle.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:43] and were you already all in the States at that point?
Elliot Vang: [00:05:46] Yes. So we already, we already been in the States. This was probably about 10 years. Roughly 10 years of my family moving to the States. You know, it was my mom, my dad, my two other brothers named my sister, my oldest sister. They moved to the States and then that's when my mom and dad had, , me and my three younger siblings.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:06] So. Your brother's 14 when dad passes away and you guys are immigrants. Were there family did. I mean, I'm assuming there's no other family around neighbors. How, did you guys do that?
Elliot Vang: [00:06:24] Yeah. I looked like, I don't know. Right. Cause I was eight. And when you're eight, you don't know anything, you just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. And yes, luckily there was family that was near. Right. I had, , my uncle who was my dad's brother. He didn't live too far from us. , my grandma, who was my dad's mom.
And my aunt, they lived, they didn't live too far from us either. So that helped with the babysitting and the grieving of the loss but it was a tragic car accident. Right. And so it happened, nobody expected it, it was sudden, , when it happened, my mom wasn't in be able to get to the hospital to get to talk to him.
Have any last words, right. It just happened so fast. And me as a little kid as eight year-old it's like, Oh, what happened? I don't know what happened. Oh, my dad passed away. Oh, my dad is not coming back. Right. But , it didn't hit me like this is it. I'm not going to see my dad anymore. I'm going to get you to talk to him.
I'm not going to have any stories from, I have very little stories that I remember of my dad. Right. So that was, , a struggle as well. And you know, luckily that there were families. That lived near us that did have, we did have that support. But even for me, I still didn't have, , that male role model around me.
I didn't have someone in, I can look to, to say, Oh, that's how I'm supposed to treat, , women. Oh, that's how I'm supposed to treat my wife. Oh, that's how I'm supposed to be as a father. Right. I didn't get to learn any of that stuff.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:54] so even though uncle was around, , , he wasn't able to come in and take on that, that fatherly role that you
Elliot Vang: [00:08:03] he did. He did in some parts. Right. But then the things that I needed as, like, when I got older, when I got married and had kids, I didn't have any buddy to model that after it was a trial by error kind of thing. And it just kind of learn from my own mistakes and my own. Maybe from TV being made raised.
So just kind of seeing stuff that's going around. , but you know, I didn't have that role model to model how I was going to be when I was in that
Damaged Parents: [00:08:32] Do you think that made it harder in elementary school and high school, junior high and high school growing up without that father figure? Like, did it impact that.
Elliot Vang: [00:08:44] yeah, very much so, very much so, because. My mom held us close to her chest. Right? She didn't , I would say, Hey mom, I'm going to stay at this school. Cause we're gonna walk to my friend's house after school. Hang out. Right elementary. No, you can't. You need to go to school, comes to your home, but all my friends would go, why can't I go?
I'll just go and then you'll come pick me up. No, no, no, no, no, you can't go. You need to go to school, come straight home. Right. That kind of thing. It was like parents struggling with that. Why are my friends getting to go hang out and. Somebody's house and they, I want to do that, but I'm not able to, and even staying after school and participating in extra curricular activity, it's , no, go to school, come back, , go to school, come back.
But I want to be able to play this sport, or I want to stay at this school and be a part of this activity there's club. , cause my mom held us very close. Cause one later on, right. I asked her, I was like, mom, how come you never get remarried? . You're young. You're beautiful. You had that chance to opportunity to just said.
She's heard of horror stories of integrating families like that because she had seven kids, . Bringing in a stepdad and not knowing how. He's going to treat the kids or how the kids will react to him. So she didn't even want to test that out. So she just said, no, I decided I wasn't going to do that because I didn't want to put my kid's spirit.
I just wanted to be able to raise my kids on my own and do the best that I can as she did, or she did a phenomenal job. , we, like I said, we grew up poor. We grew up in poverty, , single mom, second grade reading level, but still able to put six or seven kids through school, get their college degree.
I mean this looking back at that as like, , that's phenomenal. I was like, my mom is my hero. When I look back at it, like, how does she need to do that? You know, here I am with , two of my kids I'm struggling and she has seven now I'm like, ah,
Damaged Parents: [00:10:33] Yeah. There's the real panic of having kids, right? It's hard.
Elliot Vang: [00:10:38] because there's no manual for it, so. Okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:41] No, don't you wish there was though. Oh, page 36 says I need to do X, Y, and Z done. ,
Elliot Vang: [00:10:48] but that's the great thing about human beings is they can't be Emmanuel because we're all so unique and different in our own ways. Because even if my two kids, both of them are trying to raise the same way, but they both react differently. To each situation, certain situations. One, one way that I use for my son does, or doesn't work for my daughter or vice versa.
And so just having that manual, you'll probably drive yourself even more crazy, but page 36 says to do this and I'm doing it and it's not turning out the way I wanted to. Yes, because each individual is unique , and different than their own way. .
Damaged Parents: [00:11:25] Yeah, isn't it. That's so true. , I also have two, I have two girls, so I understand they are, and they are, they're very different.
Elliot Vang: [00:11:37] And you raised in the same way, right? ,
Damaged Parents: [00:11:38] You know, at one point, no, I don't think so.
Elliot Vang: [00:11:42] Okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:43] I don't know how old your kids are, but. Oh, yeah, no, they're just so minor. So very different that, , one of them is certain. She knows what the rules should be and need to be. And the other one is just a lot more quiet. The oldest will tell me how it needs to be, and she's very good at trying to parent the younger one.
, and she doesn't understand because she's got so much push. On why the consequences are different and she gets really angry about it. And it's like, I can't have a conversation with you. You got to go cool down and the youngest doesn't have to cool down, you know? , so I, I hear what you're saying.
Um, okay. I've got to ask rebellion. Cause you had a mom that held you close. , what did you do to rebel? I'm thinking it happened.
Elliot Vang: [00:12:32] Oh, totally. Totally. And , at times I was ashamed to tell this story, right. I was like, Oh my gosh, like I'm so ashamed. My mom held me tight and close and all of her kids, because I was a pretty good student, but things schooling came to me easy. Right. And I kind of took advantage of that. I didn't give my best effort all the time.
So some grade eighth grade, like Ayana Roby on her own was like, okay, this is all I need to do to kind of get on honor. I could do that. Right. Ninth grade, 10th grades. They still saying kind of same thing, a anaerobic, anaerobic. Oh, okay. I'm kind of getting the hang of this. You love grades first semester.
Awesome. Like still , on track to graduate and stuff. Middle of 11th grade year. I got my license , started driving to school. One day I got to school, went to have breakfast. Couple of my friends are like, Hey, it's beginning of semester. I don't have anything going on today. Let's just skip school today.
I looked at my schedule said, yeah, no, I don't have anything going on. Sure. Let's go and do that. Right. Did that one day. Following day, same thing, breakfast. We don't have anything going on led to one day to a week to a month. And then I skipped my whole second semester of 11th grade now going to school driving.
Cause I had a car. I was like, Oh yeah, I'm cool. I have a car. Friends are here. And I said, because like I said, , school came to easy. Me was like, towards the end of the semester, I'll just kind of come back, make up work. It just breezed by and it passed.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:19] so the toy story you told yourself was I'm good at school. I can skip all this time and I'll just pass it then. Okay.
Elliot Vang: [00:14:29] And at the end I'd never came back. But here I was, , I was in panic mode. Cause I was like, Oh my gosh, my mom's going to find out I haven't been
Damaged Parents: [00:14:40] didn't. Hold on, hold on, hold on. She didn't. How did she not know?
Elliot Vang: [00:14:44] didn't know. She didn't know because they will get calls home. And my mom wouldn't understand it.
Right. My mom wouldn't know. Cause I knew it. I was like, yeah, my mom's like understand that.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:54] Oh, man.
Elliot Vang: [00:14:56] I was trying to like outsmart her by saying, I'm going to go wait for the mail. Get my report card. Cause then we still got report cards in the mail. It wasn't electronic yet. And I was like, okay, I'll go catch the mail.
My mom won't see my grades and I'll just keep my report card. . So that like mid-quarter or like mid semester. Right. I was able to do that. Like I request it. Okay. wipe the sweat off my forehead. Like, yes, my mom didn't see my report card. I could still continue with what I'm doing. And in a school year I'm like, Oh my gosh, I never went back.
I gotta be able to go kiss my report card, make sure my mom doesn't get it. I kinda know when it's going to get here, you know, a week or so after school ends. And there was everyday waiting for the mail, waiting for the mail, never came. I was like, Oh my gosh. Guess what happens the one day I don't check that one day.
I don't beat my mom to the mailbox. She gets it, opens it up and was like, What are all these marks? Like it was N N N N N. I was like, uh, I didn't have an answer right here was stressed out anxiety level high and was like, mom, like asking for forgiveness. And he said, okay, this is my fault. You know, I'll go to summer school.
I'll make up for it. Get my credits back, all of that.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:14] so tell me this when you're panicking, like before you keep going, but use your heart pounding. Are you sweating? Are you like, , is your mind. Racing like what's happening inside of you in that moment.
Elliot Vang: [00:16:26] Totally all of that, right? In panic mode, sweaty pacing, like, Oh my God, I couldn't sit still. I was like walking back and forth. And as soon as I saw that, I knew that my mom got a report. I was leaving. It wasn't any worse. Like I was like, Oh my gosh, this is it. , I don't even know what's going to happen now.
And thinking the worst things that were going to happen to me. My mom's going to lecture me. She's going to do all of this to me. And I was like, okay. , I don't have an answer for her. I don't know what to tell her, except I'll make it up. Make it up. Right. So
Damaged Parents: [00:16:58] so did you feel like you disappointed her on a level that you never realized you could like.
Elliot Vang: [00:17:07] Disappointed herself. This disappointed her disappointed in me this point of my older brother. . Because he was the one that was like, okay, I'll let you drive this school. You know, you could drive to school. Cause I was like, I didn't want to wait for the bus. , here, like I said, you know, here, it was cold here in Minnesota.
I was like, I don't want to wait for the bus. What did the buses come and slate all of that. Can I just drive to school? And , I have my own car and then when I'm done, I just come back home. Right. And they're like, sure, go for it.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:32] so you had basically made all these promises and . , I'm just going to say, it seems like you kind of took advantage of the generosity.
Elliot Vang: [00:17:41] Totally. Totally.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:43] Now you're in this place where you've got this tremendous. You said earlier, you felt ashamed. It sounds like a little guilty too. ,
Elliot Vang: [00:17:50] More sane. Right. Because I said, I mentioned earlier school came to me easy. So they're like, why, why don't w what's so hard about you just going to school and do your schoolwork and get your grades and all of that, take care of that because school came easy to me and I was like, I don't know. I don't know what it came.
One day led to the next day, led to a week, a week, led to a month and then a month led to the whole semester. Right. , and then, like I mentioned earlier, I was ashamed to tell this story, I, I wasn't.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:17] So you felt like you were wrong. You were, you were the mistake. Not that you made a mistake.
Elliot Vang: [00:18:24] yes, I, yeah, it wasn't, I, it came to me as , Oh, not that I'm, uh, uh, I'm a bad person. I, not that I made that bad choice. Yes. I am a bad person. Right. I am the one who is, , not good, right. It wasn't the choices that I made. I didn't, it didn't. Hit me at that time that, Oh no, I am a good person who just made bad choices at the time.
It was like, no, I'm a horrible person. I'm bad. I, , can't make up my own mind. Right. And kind of blaming circumstances and blaming myself instead of blaming, just putting it on. Oh, that is what happened. And that's it.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:06] well, and mom held you so close, so close, and it's almost like you had to somehow declare your independence and . I'm not sure. Is that just, maybe that was the way you did it. I'm thinking
Elliot Vang: [00:19:20] yeah, I don't know. Cause I'd never correlated that with, I mean, one of my rebellion was like, Oh, that piece. . But I am so super grateful that she did help me hold me close because one or two choices. Bad other bad choices. I could have gone into gang, , be locked up doing drugs, like all of that, right.
That's how close I was. Cause we grew up in a projects and poor and poverty and one or two other choices, bad choices that it would've made would have led me down that road, which I didn't. So I'm grateful for that.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:50] right. And so knowing that you were loved, maybe this is the worst choice that you made was skipping a semester of high school
Elliot Vang: [00:20:00] It wasn't just a semester. It
Damaged Parents: [00:20:02] Oh dear.
Elliot Vang: [00:20:03] So
Damaged Parents: [00:20:03] Oh, dear.
Elliot Vang: [00:20:07] that was only the beginning. Okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:10] So see, sometimes we just don't stop making mistakes. Right. We make them all the time, but it's so we kept going, tell me how about that? Wait,
Elliot Vang: [00:20:19] I went to summers.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:20] Wait, hold on. Now I'm confused. Okay. So you stopped when you got caught in 11th grade, though. At the end of 11th grade.
Okay. So just, I just wanted to be clear. So, you know, you knew going in, okay, now we'll go on with your story. I'm enjoying this.
Elliot Vang: [00:20:39] So the summer school made up credits, right? So that kind of made up a little bit for that second semester, 11th grade. , I was playing sports at that time. , I've played soccer, which was in the fall season. So in order for me to play or participate in practice in games, I would have to go to school at least half the day.
But you had to, I had to be there at least half the day. So starting to talk grade, I was skipping some still, but attending most of the classes. Cause I knew it was like, Oh, I had such a love for the sport. I was like, I need to go. Cause I want to play. This is my last year. I won't be able to play anymore.
So. Fall semester of 12th grade was decent. , it wasn't my best. I didn't put in my best effort, but I was like, I knew I wanted, I needed to do, to enable to participate in sports, which I did. And then right after the season, ended back to where I was. . And skipping classes. I was driving again by then because I was driving.
I needed a drive to go to stay at there for practice, not have somebody come pick me up. I could drive myself home from school. Right. So I was driving again and then, and, , me and the group of friends that I was around again, started skipping school one day led to the next and pick up those bad habits of second semester, 11th grade all over again.
So then, , for the whole rest of 12th grade year, I didn't go to school as well. Right. I kept skipping, kept skipping, kept skipping. And then again, it was, Oh my gosh, I'm such a bad person. Why am I making these choices? Why am I doing this to myself? Right. I'm no good. All of that started coming up.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:16] Yeah, that must have been hard.
Elliot Vang: [00:22:20] It was hard. , and maybe at that time, right. I, I knew what I was doing and I knew the situation I was getting myself into, but I just didn't know how to get out of it. And didn't know how to ask for help. Or ask for support. so I just kept going. I was like, okay, I'm just going to keep doing this because I don't know how to get out of it.
I don't know how to get myself out of this situation.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:44] like, you felt so buried in everything that you had loss of all hope.
Elliot Vang: [00:22:50] Yes. Right. , like you were saying, going down a rabbit hole. Yes. I went down that rabbit hole and there's no way of me getting out. Cause I
Damaged Parents: [00:22:56] couldn't find the ladder and you couldn't call up for the rope to get thrown down.
Elliot Vang: [00:23:01] And , I didn't want to, right. At the time I was like, I don't need to ask for help. I'm going to do this all on my own.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:07] Hmm. . That sounds, yeah, that sounds really lonely.
Elliot Vang: [00:23:10] yeah, but I wasn't lonely. I was lonely to my, by myself. But when I was with my group of friends, I didn't feel lonely. I was like, okay, I'm not alone in this.
I have others who are on this journey with me. . So I didn't feel alone when I was with them, but I felt alone when I was by myself. I was alone when I saw my senior class graduating together and I wasn't able to participate with that.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:38] I bet there was a hole in your stomach or, , just a real sadness.
Elliot Vang: [00:23:44] Yes. Very much. So even to this day, . I still have that little piece of me that's missing. Like I wasn't able to graduate with my class. I wasn't able to graduate with those group of, , people that I, , went to school with nine, 10, 11th grade that I knew, an amputee. I was, I'm still missing that piece.
Right. So.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:03] Yeah, it's hard to look back at lost hope or not lost hope. That's not the right word. . It's hard to look back at loss and not still have that twinge, at least because it is a loss and it never stops being a loss. , how would you say that feeling though? Propels you. So you're at this point , you're missing graduation. You're feeling that sense of loss. What next?
What happens next? When, how do you make your next choice?
Elliot Vang: [00:24:41] it wasn't until. I was getting close to, I was, at 20, right. And I just didn't finish high school. Um, and then get my diploma. And if I turned 21, then I wasn't able to get my diploma anymore. And it was going to be go get your GED, , and all of that. Right. Because once they hit 21, I'm an adult or, you know, adult school kind of thing.
So I was like, okay, I have to make this last push because I don't want to go get a GED. I don't want to go to adult. Night school. I wanted to be able to get my high school diploma. So, , I put in the last push and that last charge to say, okay, I'm going to finish high school because they want to get my high school diploma.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:22] , how much do you think that feeling? So how much do you think that feeling you felt when you were watching your friends drove you to complete or take those next steps? Or was it more the potential loss of not being able to have a high school diploma?
Elliot Vang: [00:25:38] It was more the loss of not having a high school diploma. When I was seeing my friends graduating, that was more self-pity . I was putting myself through this pity party of like, Oh my gosh, again, horrible person. Why am I doing this? I can't believe I'm no good. All of that was coming up. , it was the push that really pushed me to get my high school diploma was, Oh, well, if I age out, then I have to go to night school or get my GED.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:07] right. I'm just trying to understand. So bear with me as I'm,
Elliot Vang: [00:26:10] Sure. Totally.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:11] as I processed that. , so when you were watching the graduation, it was still very much shame. I'm bad, sick, bad, and wrong. I'm a horrible human. And what really propelled you was in some ways maybe it was well, no, , this is what you said that you wanted your high school diploma so bad and you didn't want the GED.
So then it was time to get to business.
Elliot Vang: [00:26:37] Yes. And I knew I could get it done. . Because like I said earlier still came pretty easy to me. Like I, I was able to get through, , All subjects and then wasn't struggling with one particular subject or the other, , I was able to get through my, , schoolwork. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:53] And so how about the people you surrounded yourself with after that? Because you had those friends that, that you were skipping school with , , I'm not sure what happened to them, but you're in a you're in school trying to get your diploma. Did you surround yourself with different types of people or what happened there?
Elliot Vang: [00:27:13] This is when I was re I was more independent as on my own, because I knew I needed to do this for myself and I needed, , wasn't sure of who to surround myself with. . It was my family at that time. , at that time I was with my, , then girlfriend now wife, . She was the one who was kind of pushing me as well saying things come to you so easily.
Why are you making this so hard on yourself? Just go and do the work and get it over with, right. That was her message to be basically, cause she's , this is so easy for you. If I had what you had, I would go to school and get things done , and like make it easy. Hey, but here I was making. Uh, things difficult for myself and hard , for me.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:56] sounds like you, you found people who were able , to call you on it a little bit, right?
Elliot Vang: [00:28:02] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:03] You'd be like, hold on. I see your capacity. What's up.
Elliot Vang: [00:28:08] Yeah. One, one piece that I left out when I started all of the skipping school and stuff was, you know, I was in these classes. These college level classes, challenging classes, and a group of friends that was around. We're not in that class with me. Right. So even when I was in there, I was like, Oh my gosh, I feel alone in a way, because of my friends, my close friends were in their class, in those classes with me.
. So then that was another piece where I was like, okay, if I could just be with them more and do things with them more than we could do it at connection. . So that was another piece , that led me to say, okay, I'll just kinda skip school here.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:51] and those were challenging classes. You, I think that was the word you just used was challenging. So, , I'm going to make the assumption that, , when you were there, it was hard. And if you're already feeling alone in the class and it's hard and you can't depend on other people. I mean, you couldn't go to your close friends and say, I need help.
You had to go to someone. Maybe you didn't know, maybe it was a little more uncomfortable. Do you think that might've had some impact , on what you chose to do?
Elliot Vang: [00:29:23] Yeah. Yes, it did. Because a lot of those students that I was in class with, they live nearby, they walk to school, , they were able to stay after and do that. Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:33] Oh, like work with the teachers.
Elliot Vang: [00:29:35] Yeah. The friends that I live with that were close to me, we took the bus, we lived further away from school.
We weren't able to stay after and walk home kind of thing. Right. So, , that did play a role in it, a part in it.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:49] I wouldn't have thought of that until I just asked, but it made it, it just kind of hit me that that was a possibility , that even when you have. Scholastic intelligence that, that a low, you can still have that alone feeling in those classes. And because of that alone feeling, maybe make making different choices.
So, that's a new aha for me. Thank you. I appreciate that.
I always thought, the smart kids , they had it because they could go to school, they could get the scholarships, they could do this, they could do that. I really hadn't, you know, which is a bias of my own.
Right. And never really thought of it from the other perspective, though, that , it could be it to a detriment sometimes.
Elliot Vang: [00:30:39] Yeah. And also the other piece was those other students that I was in class with, they didn't look like me. Right. And then I didn't, I felt, I didn't want to feel inadequate by asking a question of if I didn't know something. So it's , okay. And. I didn't want to stand out that way. And for me, when I was younger, a lot of stuff that I was told was like, Hey, just fake it until you make it right.
So , that's what I was doing at that time. I was speaking it and if I didn't know what something I didn't ask, like I said earlier, I didn't want to ask for help. And I didn't want to seem any less, , , knowledgeable or less smart than the other students that were in class, because one, I already stood out.
By the way I look right. And then I don't want to stand out again. by saying oh, , I don't know that I struggle with that concept or that theory. Right. Can I get some help here? So that wasn't another piece too, when I was like, Oh, that's always hard for me.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:37] Okay. Question when you were in class, those classes were, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah, I, this just really intrigues me. , when you were in those classes where you called, like the, did the teachers call you to the front of the room and you'd have to, for instance, solve a problem and if you get it wrong, it's back to your seat and the next person comes up and tries to solve it.
Elliot Vang: [00:31:58] a little bit of that. It wasn't, yeah, there's some, there was a little bit of that, but that was easy for me, especially with like that math, right. Math read came super easy to me. Like math. I understood the common sense. You know, if I didn't know something, I could look at a problem and have the teacher go through the example and I'll get it.
Cause map is either it's black and white, right? You need to get the answer right or wrong because you kind of work your way backwards and kind of say, Oh, I made a mistake here. I missed a sign here, a number here, kind of thing. , so math was, math came pretty easy to me. , it was more so the reading and the writing piece, right.
I was in these challenging courses and classes. And if I didn't, I read a word , or I didn't understand a definition, then I just kind of. Pretended, like I knew it and just kept moving on instead of, can you elaborate or can you expand on this? Or can you define this , in different words from you said, I can understand that these, that was what was more of a struggle for me , to comprehend and ask for help there.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:54] I think it's, so that sounds like a struggle. That's hard for a lot of people to say, Hey, can you elaborate? Or I don't understand. , I don't, I'm not totally certain why we don't, but a lot of people don't say, wait, hold on. I'm not certain I'm getting this. Let's try again. , and, , I, I wish more people would know that it's just a process.
Elliot Vang: [00:33:23] totally.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:24] Nobody we don't work complex. I don't know. I know the answers for me. I don't know the answers for you and. And even after talking with you for a long period of time, I still won't know the answers for you. Even if I had been your mom or your siblings, I'm still not going to know. So do you think, how would it be different?
How do you think it might've been different? Had you been born in a different culture , or with money? Or maybe if dad had been around, how do you think that would have made it different?
Elliot Vang: [00:34:04] , I think it would have been a lot different. Right. , just being able to have my dad there and have you have a male role model to say, Hey, it's okay to ask for help. Or it's better for you to ask for help then struggling it or going through that on your own. I didn't have anybody that was telling me that when I was growing up. So now we'll look back at it. I was like, I want to be able to give that to my son and my daughter and let them know , you're not going to know everything. You're right. It's okay to ask for help. Are you going to struggle on this for the next five hours? Or if , you don't understand something.
Yes. Dad will say try it first and then let's find some resources or find other ways for you to ask for help. Right? Cause we didn't just wanna, , you know, I've been, I wanted to tell my kids, I don't want you to ask for help right away, because I want you to try it. Especially schoolwork. Try it. If you don't get it, then you can ask for help.
Right. Cause I want you to be able to work through it. Cause sometimes you work through it on your own, like, Oh, I saw what I did there and you just go back and fix it. Right. So yes. You know, having my dad around would have been a big plus, right. He wouldn't have been there to help model things for me and walk me through stuff and guide me through, , education.
Cause my dad was more educated. , went through schooling, right? So , he knew the language and, uh, what I've been able to help in that aspect and that piece there.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:33] So. When you're working with your, with the kids and you tell them, try and figure it out first, and then they don't and then they come to you. Is it more of a collaboration or , how do you help them so that they learn that it's a team or a community and not a independent task.
Elliot Vang: [00:35:55] Yeah. So when they come to me and they would come looking for answers, I won't give them the answers. I'm like, no, , I'm not Google. I'm not here to give you answers. I'm going to guide you to find the answers, right? Because I want you to figure it out on your own and have that aha moment for yourself. I don't want you to come and ask me, dad, what does one plus one? And I just tell you it's two, right? It's say no, I'll work with you to find out different strategies to help you find out the answer.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:24] Yeah. And do they get mad at you?
Elliot Vang: [00:36:27] at first they do, . It's , could you just do me an answer? I was like, no, I'm not here to give you the answers. Right. I'm here to help guide you to finances. , and we approach it from that way. And I love to use because I grew up playing sports and I love sports. I said, I knew sports analogies with them, , about, Hey, we're on the same team.
We're trying to accomplish the same goal. We're gonna work together here. Right? Your teachers the same way, right? Your teachers on your team, because sometimes they get frustrated at teachers like, Oh my gosh, this teacher did this. And did that and understand is like what? And just ask your teacher to help explain it.
Right. Going to your teacher for help ask the teacher for this. Because if you don't ask for something, they're not going to know what you want or you need, they can't read your mind. We're not mind readers here. They're not going to read your mind like, Oh, Elliot needs this. Or he needs that. No, in order for you to get what you want, you're going to have to express it and say it out loud.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:26] Yeah. And you said what? They're 10 and 12.
Elliot Vang: [00:37:29] 10 and 12. Yup.
So fifth grader and it sounds better.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:33] Okay. So they're, learning. Oh, that's a hard age.
Elliot Vang: [00:37:40] especially seventh grade. Right? Cause now classes are getting a little more challenging and the homework's a little more extensive. It's not a quick one worksheet kind of type deal anymore. It's , like a two, three, four step process kind of thing. , so
Damaged Parents: [00:37:53] Are they the different classes in seventh grade where you guys are at? I don't, I'm not sure how they
Elliot Vang: [00:37:59] Yes. So fifth grade is still elementary here and his son's great as middle school. Yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:38:03] Okay. Yeah, that was, , and th that the oldest is the, your son. Okay. And he loves sports too. Like you
Elliot Vang: [00:38:11] he does. Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:13] soccer also, or.
Elliot Vang: [00:38:15] Uh, he likes, he likes all, he's played all kinds of like soccer, football, basketball, , yeah, baseball. He likes them all. And , that's good. Right? As like, Hey, just keep trying all of these other ones, see which one that you like really sticks out for you. And then we could get more zeroed in on one or two as you get older, .
Damaged Parents: [00:38:33] nice. Okay. So back to, , graduating, I don't want to leave that. I don't want to leave your journey unfinished. , when you finally graduated, what was that? . What did that feel like? , you had had all these challenges along the way. You worked really hard to get there. And finally, you're graduating.
Elliot Vang: [00:38:58] Yeah. , it was very satisfying because then I was able to. Walk on stage, do the whole gown and diploma thing. And, you know, being able to have my mom there, right. And with my siblings as well, and then have that moment of celebration. So it was satisfying and I was like, Oh, I can do this.
Right. Telling myself that at that moment, then
Damaged Parents: [00:39:27] do you feel like you redeemed yourself then at that point, , did you feel like you needed to at the first place and then when you got there, did you feel like you had accomplished that.
Elliot Vang: [00:39:35] And yes, I did need to redeem myself and that was somewhat of a redemption, but it was also the piece of you didn't have to struggle all those years. You could have done this X number of years ago. Right. You could have done this already. You did to see yourself kind of thing. So there was some redemption, generic, and there was also pieces that people were telling you.
You did this to yourself. You made this difficult on yourself.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:59] So it sounds like there's this huge success. That's overshadowed still by some pain and suffering.
Elliot Vang: [00:40:07] Yeah, there was, there was still a pain and suffering there.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:11] That's hard.
Elliot Vang: [00:40:11] Cause I was hearing it. I was hearing it from my loved ones. Right. The people who are closest to me and they were telling me , that, okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:17] ouch. I'm sorry, because to me that's a huge success , and you did your best,
Elliot Vang: [00:40:24] And that's why I went at first year. And I was like, I was shameful of telling this story previously, but now I'm like, Nope, this is my story. I'm owning it. Okay. And I'm out there to share it with whoever. And if it resonates, if you agree. Cause here I am telling people, I was like, okay, this was who I was at that moment, but it's not going to define who I am now or who I'm going to be in the future.
Right. So I was like, Now I could tell this story with no shame, no, none of that anymore, because I'm like, it's my story. And I own it.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:53] Do you think you could say that? You are never those choices you just made them, , you think you can get to that point where it's okay. That you made those choices. I mean, maybe that's why you're able to share that now, because, you're able to acknowledge that shame and that suffering and the pain that you felt because you're owning it.
Elliot Vang: [00:41:15] Totally. And before, right before I was telling myself, okay, I'm not smart. I'm not intelligent. That's why I didn't do it. That's why I didn't finish school. But now I was like, no, I'm smart. I'm intelligent. I'm no, what I need to do. But yes, at that moment, those times I just made bad choices. Right. Making those bad choices, doesn't make me any less of a person or any less educated or any less smart, because now those are the stories I want to pass it on to my kids.
Right. Just because you made a bad choice, doesn't mean you're a bad person, or you made one bad choice and you own it and learn from it. Now don't continue to make that same mistake because then now you're not being. , smart about it. Cause you're not learning from that mistake. Right. So you can make mistakes, just learn from them
Damaged Parents: [00:42:07] or at least do your best, right?
Elliot Vang: [00:42:09] yeah.
Yes, yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:11] Because doesn't it take a while to change or how long is it? I know you're a coach. So how a life coach? Right? So, so to effect real change, it takes time.
Elliot Vang: [00:42:23] Totally. And I tell people, this is a lifelong journey, right? We're going to continue to be a hot mess. We're going to continue to not have things go the right way, but what are those things that we have in place so that we can recognize it quicker? And not get down in that deep hole that I explained about or talked about earlier, right.
And have that support. So that you can lean on people. Cause we're human beings. We're such social creatures. We need to surround ourselves with people. We need to be around people. We need to talk with people now, who is that support team. You have that support group that you can lean on when you're struggling, when you are having those days where things just aren't going well.
Right. And not ness. And then telling yourself just because things don't go well to that day. Doesn't mean any more, any less than whatever is happening at the moment.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:19] So, how do you, figure out the people that you want on your support team? I'm going to call it a team, just cause that. Seems like fun to me. , you know, cause I think it takes a village, not just to raise children cause that's one of those great sayings out there, but it takes a village to be a human.
So how do you find safe people or how would you tell people to find safe people?
Elliot Vang: [00:43:47] Yeah. That's, that's a tough one right there because you can. You have to make those connections with people and, try to find a connection on a deeper level, right? Not this superficial level of like, Oh Angela, how are you doing? How are the kids? No, let's see, we got to go. Let's dig a little deeper about Angela.
What are your passions? What are your dreams? Right? What is it that you see yourself doing? And if I see like, Oh, I totally resonated with Angela's dreams. Angela's passions. She is someone I feel like I could connect with. She is someone that I want to learn more about, but it just hit me that curiosity mindset of like, I'm going to learn about Angela because what she is dreaming about and what she wants to do, if it aligns with who I want to be, I'm going to totally , connect with her.
Cause then now we're going to build on this relationship. And now I have Angela, who's going down to this dream, this goal that I can lean on when I'm struggling as well.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:42] right.
Elliot Vang: [00:44:44] Angela, I'm gonna call you up and say, I'm struggling with this, you know, can, can you just help me walk me through this? And then we share the same dreams, right.
Similar dreams. And you'll just walk me through it and be like, Oh, thank you. I needed that so much. So it takes a little bit of time to build that up and to get into, to build your team, right. You're a group of people that are around you to support you. And . When people are trying to find her, that group or that team, usually it's not actually a NUSELI a lot of times people come and tell me, it's like what my sibling is, are telling me that I can't do it.
, my husband and , my wife, my spouse is telling me I'm wasting my time with them with that. And then I just kind of, Hey, how much do you believe in yourself, right in your dream and your passion. If you totally believe in it, you're going to have to distance yourself and to say, Hey, when I'm around my family, I can't talk about my dream and my goals.
And I'm okay with that. But I'm going to build this other group, my team so that I can lean on them so that I can have somebody to talk to. Right. If you can't talk to your family about it, you could go and find somebody else to. Share that dream or a similar path as similar journey. There's somebody out there.
There's a group of people out there , that have this same journey or similar dream or goal that you have that you can lean on.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:12] I think that's really important to, to, for people to know, just surround yourself . And know who you can talk to about things in who you can't. , that's huge for people. I think I took me a lot of years.
Elliot Vang: [00:46:28] that's what I was gonna say that too. It took me a while to learn that, right. Because here I was, I wanted, my family has shared his dream and this goal with me, but someof them just weren't about that. And herr I was trying to like fit into this square peg into this round hole, but it just wouldn't fit.
And then I had to tell myself and say, okay, I can't just say I'm going to X my family out of my life. Cause that's my family. I value family and I want to be around them, but it's okay to say I don't necessarily need to have a conversation around them with my family about my goals and my dreams all the time.
Right. If they're not about that, I can't just try to keep. Feeding them that info set and go and find my tribe, my team, my group, my community, that I can lean on to say, Hey, you know, I'm struggling with this, this and this. Oh yeah. I was struggled and had to add challenge or a similar challenge. Let's walk through it.
Let's talk through it. So then, I was able to have somebody to lean on today.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:33] and it's okay. That your family can't be that person. Are those people it's okay. , I think a lot of times, at least for me, I would get stuck in that they needed to because they were my family. Right. They're my family. They have to support me, not true. Like that was just something I told a story. I told myself and I believed it for however long I believed it.
Right. , So tell me you graduated high school. How did you end up in coaching? Cause, I mean, I think it says it took you 40 years to find your balance after your struggle.
Elliot Vang: [00:48:12] And that's another thing too, right? Because here growing up, it's like, Oh, your twenties is supposed to graduate college at thirties, your career. You're loving it. Forties. You're working towards your retirement. And you know, it's like, That's not me at all. Right. So finished high school, , went to college, right.
Was able to go to school even like in school. I didn't know what I wanted to be now. I didn't know what I wanted to major in. I was like, like I told you, I'm good with numbers. I'm going to bet. I'll go to and accounting started majoring in accounting. I was like, Oh, I can't see myself doing accounting work for the next 20 or so years.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:47] You seem too social for that.
Elliot Vang: [00:48:50] that's what I was like, I can't sit behind a desk or go numbers on it's like, no, I felt like, so I went away from that, but I didn't know what I want to do. Would it change it over to communications? Communication is a lot better. But even with that, I was like, what can I do with my communications degree?
I don't know what I can do with my communications degree. So we didn't have to graduate. College is jumping from job to job. And I knew that there's something more for me. Right. But I just didn't know what it was. and then know how to find it, , and was kind of like sleepwalking my way through life and just kind of going with the flow.
And again, here it comes up again, right. Telling myself. I'm in my thirties. I was like, I need to, how come on that further along than where I am now, I should be further along. I should be doing this. I should be doing that. I should be having this in place already. So struggling with that, you know, my, my marriage was not good at that time.
Right. I had my kids, , You know, my kids were out. I was on the brink of like losing my relationship, my wife and my relationship, my kids, because if we would have split up, the kids would have been split up, however, way. Right. I wasn't going to be around them a hundred percent of the time. And that's when it really hit me.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I need to keep searching and digging. And I fell upon coaching. It wasn't like I was seeking out coaching because at that time I didn't know much about the coaching industry, but I was telling myself, coaching is for people who are in crisis mode, people who need super help, people who , are stuck, where they're at.
Right. And telling myself, Oh, that's not me. That's not who I am. I got, thanks for good out. I know better. And it wasn't until I was at live event. My wife and I went to a live event together. We sat apart cause we said, we're going to share with other strangers and meet other people I shared within this small group and just share openly and didn't put any judgment to what I was sharing. And then after sharing a group of five or six of us, one lady pulled me aside and said, Elliot, I just want to tell you. That you're the most inspirational person in this room out of thousands of people, right? Coaches, authors, speakers, you name it. People were there. And I was like telling myself who me, like out of all these people, you're telling me that I'm the most as, and I just asked, I was like, why?
She's like, you were authentic, you shared openly, and you're just being yourself. And here was telling you kind of like a, I kind of like, I like to have a sense of humor when I talk. Right. So I'll share my, a sappy story about a sad story about my mom, and my dad and, uh, my upbringing, but puts a humor in it.
And then she was just like in all of what I shared. And I was like, wow. Out of all these people, she thought I was the most inspirational person. So she was my champion. She was the one who helped push me over the edge of to get into culture because the disliked event, the person running it in the live event offered a coaching program.
I was like, boom, signing up for that. Right. Taking on that. , and I'll do that, but do you mean what I did that I still had that fear. Right. I had the fear of not knowing what's going to happen next, because I didn't know much about the coach industry. Fear of. , success, uh, fear of, Oh my gosh. What if this is what I wanted to do?
Damaged Parents: [00:52:25] Wait, hold on Elliot, you said fear. You said fear of success.
Elliot Vang: [00:52:30] Yes,
Damaged Parents: [00:52:31] , can you elaborate on that for, for me?
Elliot Vang: [00:52:35] cause then now I w I would have to make that commitment right. To myself and committing to helping others. And I was like, can I do that? Can I, , and if I do do that, will I lose the people that I've known in my life? Right. Am I going to leave people behind?
So I was like, Oh my gosh, can I, is this really what I wanted to do?
And I was talking to myself, this is what I want to do. And then I questioned it again saying, is this what I want to do? And then that was on day two. So day three, I didn't want to get out of bed. I was in a hotel room. I'm not going to go to back to the live event.
Damaged Parents: [00:53:09] so you're scared. Were you? You were scared. Okay.
Elliot Vang: [00:53:13] Because again, going back to the commitment, if I would've ended up back at the live event, I would have to commit myself to the coach because that's what I wanted to do.
Damaged Parents: [00:53:21] uh, Oh, so you knew.
Elliot Vang: [00:53:24] yes, I was in the fetal position crying like, Oh my gosh, like, this is what I want to do, but I don't want to do it because if I go there, I'm going to have to commit.
Damaged Parents: [00:53:35] And you're terrified.
Elliot Vang: [00:53:37] Totally. Luckily for me, I was able to find enough courage and strength to go to the live event, back to the live event, immerse myself back into that environment.
And so glad that I did because the energy was wild being around. Those other people, again, that group of people was amazing. And that's when I made that commitment. No, looking back, that's an investment that I've made in myself because I was afraid. Right. As like, I'm not, I can't make this type of investment in myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:54:16] So, how did you do that though? Okay. Because. You're scared. You're terrified. You're in the fetal position. And you still find like what inside of you, or maybe what thought crossed your mind that you were able to get up and still just put one foot in front of the other and keep going with all of that fear.
Elliot Vang: [00:54:40] yeah, Amy, my wife there at that time. Right. She's like, we need to get going because it's going to start. And she wasn't even telling me that that evening get me going. So I'm a music person. I like to listen to music, put on my headphones, kind of like tune everything else out and just be in the moment.
And listening to the music and somehow the lyrics spoke to me, right. Just like in that moment I was listening to these lyrics and I was like, Oh, just get up and get going. I just kind of started moving so slowly starting in the dress. , and just telling myself, just, just kind of walk there and see what happens.
Right. Just kind of immerse yourself back into that environment and see what happens. , so luckily that I did go, because here I am now, right as I want to be aware of them now. So I'm super glad that I did go and no looking back and I just love what I get to do and love what I get to share
Damaged Parents: [00:55:36] Yeah. Yeah. Well, Elliot, I am really grateful to hear your story and for you to really walk through the emotions of the tough things and. Even when you were at the, that, in that pit of despair and you're terrified and you're knowing which way , you want to go in your life, but you're still scared to death and how you manage to, to keep going.
I think that that's, that's a gift to give that, that you are able to give others in letting them know. Yeah, it is scary.
Elliot Vang: [00:56:12] It is scary, but we don't need to know everything that's going to happen other on the other side, right? It's like, you don't need to know what's going to happen. If, if you truly feel like this is the right move for you. Take action. And if that action doesn't result, does it end up in the result you like, or you want, you can fix it.
Right. We can change it, adjust it, , learn from it and then pick up and go. Right. But then the key is just to keep moving. Right. And it might be baby steps. It might be a to B to C and then you might see a bigger jump from like C to like. G or hour or something like that, but every step's not going to go a, to M to Z.
No, just like we read books and he goes chapter one, two, three, four, all the way ever. How long, right. We don't skip from chapter one and reach out to 10 and reach out they're 15 and then done. Right? So sometimes this takes baby steps and those gradual steps and just keep moving.
Damaged Parents: [00:57:16] well, thank you so much for coming on the show today. I, I love your story. I really do. I think it's absolutely amazing.
Elliot Vang: [00:57:26] Well, when I read your, the title of your podcast, , yes, I am relatively damaged, but I'm that, you know, that doesn't define who I am. Right. And I wanted to come and share , , and let people know, Hey, you're not alone in your journey or struggle, or your challenge. There's someone else out there that is going through what you're going through and, , you can lean on them and find that group of people, your team, so that you can have that support because we all need that extra support.
We all need that extra push because I can say I'm a coach, but I'm still hot mess. I have, I don't have everything figured out,
Damaged Parents: [00:58:04] Right.
Elliot Vang: [00:58:05] recognize the quicker right. Finding habits that you can recognize it quicker. So you can, don't go down at deep hole.
Damaged Parents: [00:58:12] Yeah, because aren't, we all Relatively Damaged.
Elliot Vang: [00:58:16] Yeah. So you are, I totally agree with that.
Damaged Parents: [00:58:19] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Elliot Vang about how he found his value and his purpose, which changed his life by simply speaking his truth and finding the courage to follow through. We especially liked when he acknowledged he's relatively damaged too.
To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. This podcast was sponsored in part by Arches Audio. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
