Episode 6: Tattered Cover
Sahara Leigh
Bio: Sahara Leigh is an Alchemist of the Soul. She teaches folks how to use the everyday, mundane aspects of their lives and selves to create our most magical lives possible. Using Ayurveda, Energy Work, Movement, and Plant Medicine; Sahara shows you how everything you touch is a tool that moves you closer to, or further from, your Authentic Self. You can build your dream reality if you know how to use the tools of your life.
Find Sahara here:
http://theconsciousalcoholic.com/
https://www.facebook.com/HolisticMojo/
https://www.instagram.com/holisticmojo/
https://www.youtube.com/c/Holisticmojo/videos
Podcast transcript below:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damage Podcast by Damaged Parents where tattered, crushed, distorted people come to learn, maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than, like we aren't good enough. Like we aren't capable. We are Relatively Damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damage itself. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There's a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?
My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistent to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me, not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic include sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Sahara Leigh. She has many roles in her life, daughter, aunt, parent to her parents and Alchemist of the soul. We'll talk about how sometimes the struggle is just simply being human, how to learn to jump off the ski lift earlier to enjoy the journey and she'll read us, her heart felt poem titled Tattered Cover.
Welcome Saraha. Glad to have you here.
Sahara: [00:02:04] Thank you so much for having me.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:06] you're welcome. So you actually answered a post on Facebook then that you were willing to talk about some struggles and how you overcame those. , When you responded. I laughed. I really did. When I saw your response to the question, what has been your biggest struggle?
You said, "being a human." Tell me more about that.
Sahara: [00:02:31] , I don't know if there is ever like the definitive biggest struggle because I life as a struggle, being a human is a struggle , and some days it's like the smallest thing can feel like the biggest struggle. Depending on where I'm at that day. So I might just wake up and be in a bad mood and just getting out of bed is the struggle of the day.
And then, , other days I'm like, okay, well I can climb a huge mountain. , I can work with, , a past belief that's debilitating for me today. Or, , I can work with a , Physical thing that I have to overcome, I've recently discovered that I've aged. , that was a new thing, you know, my brain, , that's , yeah, I just graduated high school yesterday and then, , time goes, uh, yeah, , that was 20 years ago. So...
Damaged Parents: [00:03:26] isn't that the worst feeling?
Sahara: [00:03:28] yeah, so it just. It's weird. And I saw a meme the other day that said that, , it was talking about 40 years ago and something was like, Oh yeah, the news 40 years ago in my brain. So 1960 and the reality, no, 1980. Uh, yeah. So I don't know. I, I really think the struggle is relative. It's what's going on in your life and where you're at and how you are relating.
To whatever that struggle is, what mood you're in, , what, like where the planets are, where your menstrual cycle is. Like all of those things change a struggle. So yeah, just being a human and dealing with all of that.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:14] yeah. What would you say is the most challenging, struggled to date for you? Like the one that just took you down you just felt like, how am I ever going to come back from this?
Sahara: [00:04:30] Again, it's relative. I think I feel that with all the struggles, um, to relate it to present moment, I like , most of the world was deeply affected by this whole pandemic. And my business went from very easy. Easy easy, easy. I mean, so easy to, Oh, I haven't made any money in 15 months, you know?
, my bank account is empty. That's interesting. . And that compounded , with, at that point, had moved to beginning of the pandemic, moved my whole life to a foreign country and, , started a new relationship with someone who I had been best friends with for 20 years.
And, , the COVID takes a lot. Of things that you didn't see that were hidden and has brought it forward. , so learned a lot about my partner that I didn't know, even after 20 years of being very close friends and , that to me felt. I was alone and, , in a foreign country, granted I've been going in this country for a long time.
, but with no money and I am not used to needing to rely on somebody else. , yeah, just that. So there's real destruction of self. You know, I feel like it comes in cycles where we build ourselves up and we think, Oh yeah, this is who I am. And then God comes along and goes, Oh, you're funny, that's cute.
And destroys it. And that was like, yeah, the last 10 months has been incredibly destructive for me and just. Discovering ugly pieces about myself discovering ugly pieces about the world, discovering ugly pieces about my partner, , and being like, okay, well I have to start asking for help. , and I have to start being really honest with what I need and I need to let go of this belief that , I can hold up the world.
, and that I can't, but , I have all the answers because I don't, and I can't, ,
Damaged Parents: [00:06:37] How hard was it for you to ask for help? It sounds like it took you getting pretty beat up get to a point where maybe you needed to receive
Sahara: [00:06:50] Yeah. If we're really honest with ourselves and we look back over our life, it's kind of our master wound, whatever it is that our struggle is in life. If you look at it, it's like, man, , I do that same struggle over and over. , and this was definitely like, yeah. , I think I was better prepared for it this time.
I, I was much, I was in a better, , I trusted myself more. I loved myself more and I was willing to fight for myself more. Then in the past, and that made my life a little more volatile because I was like, , when you look at , your partner, , you've just moved across the world for and say, Hey, , sorry, I'm unemployed.
And you knew this could happen when I got here, but, , I'm not legal to work in your country and yeah, I I'm. Yeah, , I need you to step up. Like you said you would, , and to have that pushback, , I think that there was such a blessing in it because I really, in the past, I've not stood up for myself.
And this time I, I did, , a year prior to that year and a half ago, that was a different story. , I went into surgery, was supposed to be a 20 minute surgery. I'm supposed to walk out of the hospital and I woke up three hours later and leg brace. And they're like, you won't walk for six weeks.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:15] Oh man.
Sahara: [00:08:16] know yeah. And I had, , the way exactly the way I work in, private wellness. So. My, or I did at the time, my job was essentially, I got floated all over the world for my clients to work with them privately while usually while they were on holiday or while they were taking their own mental health retreat.
, I had planned my surgery during a period of time , , and didn't anticipate not being able to work , for a certain amount of time and essentially found myself. Homeless. Cause I, , I'd set it up housing for a certain amount of time and then I was supposed to leave where I was.
So, , you wake up and you find that, Oh, okay, well I've got a couple of weeks to live where I'm living and then I got to get out and I asked for help and I was met with anger, with shame. With bullying from people I considered near and dear to me. And that I think that really, I busted my butt after that, to heal those wounds within me, that they believed I was unworthy, that, , , there was a clearly coming up.
In that situation. , so that this time around, when I needed help, I could say, no, I deserve help. I, that is my birthright. If you're going to be in my life, you're going to be my partner. You're going , to be my friend. , I damn well deserve support. , it doesn't mean that somebody has to, , take care of me, but I deserve support and I don't deserve to be pooped on.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:55] right. Yeah, really. I couldn't imagine, actually, I can imagine I'm going to, to some people in your life, in my life personally and saying I need help and being met that way. And it's quite devastating because I think you're right in that's when. I had to question everything about who I was, what my value was and you're nodding your head.
So I'm thinking, yeah, you totally, who am I? And what's my value. And , so it sounds like part of your solution , was separating yourself from those negative people or the people who shamed you. Because shame is different than guilt. Right? We learned that from a Brene Brown, right? She says, shame is, I am a mistake and guilt is I made a mistake. Right?
Sahara: [00:10:53] Yeah, and I think there's different types of shame. There's like healthy shame and there's negative shame. , , it's kind of, it's the easiest thing to do is like you, you see shame on your dog's face when they have an accident in the house. , that's different than somebody. Shaming you, you know, telling you you're useless, you're worthless, you're a piece of hair.
, so it's very different there, there's that natural shame that, that, um, that you have when you've done something wrong that I think is closely tied to guilt. And then there's that shame of, you know, somebody else. And the thing is, I think positive shame is , I own what my actions were. The negative shame is somebody else wants me to own.
Their feelings because , when these people were shaming me, I recognized this is nothing to do with me. This is everything to do with them and their belief system. And, , the things that they haven't healed in themselves. And that was helpful. I mean, it was helpful in the sense of , not taking it on so much, but it's, I mean, it was fucking heart wrenching. Yeah, I was so vulnerable and so confused. I mean, it was literally just like, what do you mean? I can't walk for six weeks. I'm supposed to be in Mexico in five weeks. What are you talking about? , and so my confusion within people being like, you should have planned for this and you know, what do you mean? ,
Damaged Parents: [00:12:24] You're literally physically handicapped, which you had no control over whatsoever. And you have people in your life telling you, you should have planned for this, or you should've planned better.
Sahara: [00:12:36] Yeah. And I had everything planned. I just didn't have it planned for the situation when I woke up.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:44] Well, how were you supposed to know?
Sahara: [00:12:47] Exactly.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:48] That's a great question, right? , Oh, that must have been devastating because it sounds like they were people you loved and you cared about, . So you're in that spot and you're devastated. And just, if you can take us back to, , what I heard was you recognized that , shame was theirs, , or their stuff coming at you, but how did you figure that out?
How did you get, even to that point where you could go, Oh, wait, that's not my stuff.
Sahara: [00:13:18] Years of self awareness, , working therapy, energy healing. Yeah, therapy, just self inquisition.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:31] okay. So like you would say, let's say there's a 16 year old comes walking in the room and they're trying to figure out their life story. I mean, everybody's got their journey, but what. What would you tell? Okay. What would you tell your 16 year old self? ,
Sahara: [00:13:48] I would say stop thinking and start feeling. Cause the bullshit lives in your head, the truth lives in your heart and understanding. Do you feel ashamed or do you feel like you're supposed to feel ashamed because of what this person is saying to you?
Damaged Parents: [00:14:19] that's a great
Sahara: [00:14:21] And I think this is an issue that your kids come up against a lot, especially teenagers, because they have what society is telling them is appropriate behavior.
They have what their family is telling them as appropriate behavior. , and maybe what their church's telling them. , they have all of this weights on them and at least in our culture, we don't teach critical thinking. , that's not a class in high school, you're taught how to perform. , you're taught how to be a good person in the terms of what society, the parameters of what society says is a good person.
Now that is very different based on the color of your skin. Based upon what genitalia you have, you are going to have different sets of boxes for all of those things. , and we're not really taught to feel. I think that we often teach our children be a good person and make sure other people feel okay around you.
Not necessarily to make sure you feel okay around other people.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:31] , I think that's, , I had, I agree. I hadn't thought of it. That's a great way. Great, succinct way to put it is, , we do, I think, as a society, maybe we do focus on what. We're worried about everybody else and not if that what's happening in here. And yet what's happening in here impacts who I have around me and what I'm doing, , , but what , you said something about school and in what we're taught in school.
And I'm just wondering, I had read in a book somewhere that like in our schools, when a child gets called to solve, for instance, a math problem and they get called to the front of the room. , and they get it wrong. Then the teacher , you know, Oh, you got it wrong, go back to your seat and they don't keep at it.
Right. They have someone else come up and solve the problem. , how do you think that impacts that exactly what you were just talking about, that sense of self and who am I? And, , you think it could be different if the child. Stayed at the front of the room instead. And they worked through the problem with them.
I don't know, I'm interested to hear what you
Sahara: [00:16:39] Yeah. I think absolutely. I mean, , that's teaching us, you have one chance to get it right. And if you don't get it right, you lose your chance. You're worthless. And then , I don't know, , I don't know about your experience, but for me, if I got it wrong and I had to go back and sit down, I'm now steeped in embarrassment.
I can't even focus to see how that next kid gets it. Right. So , I've lost my self-confidence. I think I've lost my opportunity and now I've lost my opportunity to learn how to do it. Right. And I think in today when we're starting to recognize that people learn differently, that really the way we teach has to learn differently, it , has to evolve differently.
, because some kids, you know, like for me, math, this is a great, great example because for me, I love problem solving and math. I was so good at the problem solving aspect of it. I could teach every single person in that class, how to solve the problem, but , I, myself could never get the right answer. So somewhere I understood the whole process. I could explain the whole process to you, but somewhere I was like, not caring. The one, like something was, and even , I remember my math tutor being like, , I don't understand, you get this, you can explain this, you get this more than I get this, and yet you can't get the proper. Equation to come out and it's like, we have to start thinking about how to teach differently and how do we explain things differently so that kids aren't getting left behind , because they didn't get it right on , the first, you know, chance
Damaged Parents: [00:18:26] yeah, I felt the same way as you. , I couldn't think I was embarrassed. , now when I asked you, if you could give a title to your story, you sent a poem called tattered cover. So when did you write that and what were you feeling and how did that come about?
Sahara: [00:18:51] I wrote it a couple of years ago. I think . Probably while I was traveling or when I just got back to the States. So somewhere between 2012 and 2017, , and I was just doing some introspection and a lot of it had to do a lot of my introspection. A lot of my poetry, , comes about from that perception of what society thinks I'm supposed to be.
And do because I have not ever conformed. And, , I have, I don't know, , I have a love, hate relationship with the word suffered, , because I do feel like it can be harmful and helpful in the same vein, but anyways, , it helps define who you are, but it doesn't have to define who you are.
Essentially. , but I was, , looking at , that, , let me get you looking back at my life and how Mo like most people, I was traveling the world. I was in my early to mid thirties, traveling the world. All my friends were like married with kids, married, divorced with kids in both, , And here, I am like sipping a Mai Tai in Thailand. , and the , love, hate relationship that people were having with me.
, I remember my dad, , talking to me and, , I'd come home for Christmas or something. And he was , people are always asking me how you managed to do this, how you traveled the world and I've started just telling them you work for the CIA. So then we were like trying to figure out, , Like what CIA could stand for,
because it's like everybody wants to define you and everybody wants to write your book and everybody wants to read your book and everybody wants to review your book and they want to give it five stars and they want to give it zero stars all at the same time, because they are envious of it on some level.
And on some other level, they are. , bitter and judgemental of it. , you should be doing something else, but man, that looks great and it's everybody's perception. And that was what it was like. I just thought of it, you know? Cause I travel with books. I don't like, I don't like my books on iPad or anything.
I like the smell of a book. I like the feel of a book and , And I just thought, like, if my books get so torn up as I'm traveling, , they're shoved in and out of bags sometimes quickly, sometimes carefully, sometimes not. , so my books kind of get destroyed while I'm traveling. And I was contemplating that probably staring out a window plane and it was like, man, I've had all of these experiences.
, but my experience there's, they're not mine. My experiences are also being lived through anybody that's watching my experience or listening to my story or reading my book. , everybody get this with , their own lens, you know, their own perspective. So that was what I was going for , was we all have these stories that are true to us and also.
Different differently received through others. And it's that game of telephone. You know, you say one thing to the first person, by the time he gets all the way around the circle is different. And that's okay. That my story, as long as my story is true to me, who cares what anybody else thinks. My covers tattered because I've, I'm worn and I've traveled and I've experienced things and I've had my heart broken and I've had my heart filled and I have all of , these, , experiences in all of these mountains that have climbed, but I've also gotten to ski down the other side of that mountain, , is it thing, you know, we have to look at the positives as well as the negatives and yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:40] Yeah. So I heard you say, you've not come formed. You never, , you weren't a conformer and you, and so I'm thinking you always, maybe that also means you felt different than others and viewed yourself maybe a little bit different than maybe , the peers that were around you.
Sahara: [00:23:01] Yeah, I know. I felt different. Okay. I felt like I saw things differently. I feel like I understood things differently. , yeah. , I had a friend. I was talking to a friend from high school. I was recently talking to and she'd asked me a question. , And she was like, , was your childhood difficult?
And I gave her my answer and then she was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I never asked, , 20, 25 years ago, like, why didn't I ask? And I was like, cause we were 16. We were living in our own world, ? . I think we, everybody living in their own world and I was living in my own world. , and I know that my world felt different than their world. I didn't feel like my world was accepted. , and I did the conformity thing a little bit for awhile. I do remember a distinct moment of coming home.
I was in middle school for sure. Six or seventh grade. And I came home and I said to my mom, I was like, yeah, I sat at a table with some new girls today at lunch. And then very flippantly, just a bit was like, yeah, I only had to change a little bit to hang out with them. And I don't know why that memory is so bored into me, but yeah.
And I look at that as, , There was a stage of kind of trying to be a chameleon. , and then at some point being like, , fuck it. I remember I went in the complete opposite direction and destroyed, like destroyed my beauty, cut my hair off. Kyler did all sorts of things. Let golf went full golf and really found like.
Going in the opposite direction all the way and just, , into the complete opposite of what everybody wanted me to be. , or what a young girl should be. , I found such happiness in that freedom. , but the really interesting thing is, so I grew up. High school. I was , this outcast, , musical theater was like my safe space and goth and real alternative kind of goth raver, and, , going down in New York city all the time to go to clubs and go to raves and, , lying to my parents and doing all the drugs and going into, you know, way under age way underage , in these old clubs in New York city, hanging out with drag Queens.
, and then I graduated high school. I went on tour. I came back, , and decided to move down to New York city thinking, Oh yeah, I'm going to wear my freak flag. Right. And I got there. And the interesting thing was I felt more out of place than in place because in my world that I grown up in people came to expect.
So they boxed myself in, they came to expect me to be me, even if it was weird and out of the box and strange to them. ,
Damaged Parents: [00:26:17] , , I can never remember who said this quote, I am who I think you think I am or so you're at this point in New York. And you feel like you, now that you've been goth, there's this expectation that you always break those barriers? Or am I off
Sahara: [00:26:35] it was more like , I wasn't weird to anybody anymore in my hometown, because that's just who they had finally accepted me to be. When I got to New York people started, you know, I got stared at. Again, or, , I love costumes. So I would go to these thrift stores and I would get 50 cent.
I mean, this is back in the day when New York was. Fabulous for finding dumpster diving. , most of the things in my apartment was should I pull it off the street? So I would find these fabulous costumes and I would cut them up and I would resell them and I'd repurpose them and I'd wear them out in the street, like at the, , full on like feathers, ,
you know, thinking like, Whoa, this is New York city. I can be whatever I want to be. would be like, And I remember having that moment of being like, Oh wow. Like people had really accepted my freak flag where I was, and now I feel exposed again. So it wasn't, it was getting comfortable again with myself and being like, okay, How comfortable am I with myself? You know, , am I gonna choose to conform?
Or am I going to choose to follow my heart? Am I going to wear, , my Tuesday feathers loud and proud, or, , what am I going to do? And I ended up shaving my head. , and God, I never felt so beautiful in my life.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:59] was that your way of, of non-conforming at that point? Or was it just too out of the box to where the feathers or what.
Sahara: [00:28:07] I mean, it was still wearing the feathers,
Damaged Parents: [00:28:09] Okay.
Sahara: [00:28:12] shaved my head. , I wanted that experience to like, what would it be like to shave my head? And my hair was really short, so it didn't, it wasn't a huge step, , But I, I think as women back to that, like India are resigned from jeez, was it like the nineties or early two thousands where she was like, I am not my hair.
I mean, a society puts and I was working as a dancer at that time in New York as well. , and I remember being in rehearsals and auditions and the end of the like flip your hair and that's what sexy is. And I got turned down more often than I got. I got the gigs solely. Off of having a shaved head because I didn't conform to society's beauty, but I was so I've never felt that beautiful before in my life, there was something about shaving away, all of that stuff that we're really told , we have to be, to be beautiful and to be sexy and, , I was so raw.
It was like, my personality started to shine through more. I got more confident started wearing big dangly earrings. , yeah, I loved it. It was one of the best times of my life. , unintentionally, , giving the big finger to society and it definitely stopped me from getting gigs, but I also got different gigs , because I could be so unique. I felt valued in that way, for sure.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:36] so I heard. A lot of turn downs because you didn't fit the mold and yet you felt more beautiful. And when you did get the gig, you really felt valued for who you were and not for what society wanted.
Sahara: [00:29:54] I think when you choose to be more in alignment with your heart, everything becomes more in alignment with you so that they gigs I would have normally taken. Had I gotten them probably were not in alignment. , it was like I was working for MTV a lot. That wasn't really my shtick. I wanted something a little.
This was like when MTV was starting to move away from like actual music. , so was that really what my soul wanted? No. Did I really want to be objectified in the way they were asking me to objective be objectified? No. I didn't know it at the time it was, I was ignorant of what I was doing, but it was laying groundwork for work I do now.
And, , being in alignment with who I am, and even just being able to travel the world and , as a single woman for four years straight, you got to trust yourself and you got to be in your own juices. Otherwise you're dangerous.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:55] Yeah. And it sounds like you really learned what your values were. , you had to figure those out so that you could live by them. .
Sahara: [00:31:06] There's a healer. I worked with years ago, who said life is just walking backwards to figure out who you are through the process to figure out who you're not. And that's always stuck with me.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:23] right. That makes sense. Because sometimes we find ourselves in these roles that we didn't even audition for. And all of a sudden we're there. It's like, wait, hold on. What just happened? , ,
Sahara: [00:31:37] those are those struggles. That's what gets us in our struggle is we ended up at a place where, Oh, this is not what I want. This is not who I am. And it's like, okay, struggle. , that's created as crazy disease in our body. That's created, , divorces. That's created, , homelessness.
You end up in this place, it looks like a huge struggle. And it's like, no, this is such a gift. This is such a gift. . You're learning who you're not, you're learning, what's not serving you. Now, the question is don't run away from the struggle. Don't push it away and say, this is bad, which we so often do, but the pull it close and say, what do you have to tell me?
Like, hi little friend, what do you have to tell me today? Heal me, help me heal myself so that you know, Who I am in a deeper level. I am a more aligned with my own values and my own heart so that I can now create a life that's more aligned. It's like all of these struggles and all of these negative things that we perceive to be negative that come into our life are really just beautiful gifts opportunities for us to grow closer to ourselves.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:48] and isn't it hard to bring them closer.
Sahara: [00:32:54] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:58] I have a pain disorder. So one of the things that people I'm I'm reminded of is to lean into it, not away from it.
Sahara: [00:33:08] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:09] Lean into it. So I, I totally understand that, really resonates with me a lot. And, , it is harder at first I think, to lean in, I think it's like a hot stove when a struggle comes along that.
Is challenging your values , and your again, trying, like you said, you build and you get destroyed and you build again, and then you get destroyed again. . You just want to pull away at first and be like, but no, I was really comfortable where I was at. I knew what that was like, I don't know what this is like, what do I do now?
Sahara: [00:33:44] Yeah. The thing that society teaches us is that we need struggle to learn and to grow. And that's not true. That is a lie that we're fed from just about the moment we're born. So when I'm working with clients, I always say, well, what are you learning here? Like this situation happened, this disease happened.
What are you learning? And there's always like, Ooh, what do you mean. I'm not learning anything. I'm not gaining anything from this, but it's , like you said, with your hand in the beginning, your hands wrapped and you're having to learn to do things in a different way. So it's like, okay, well, there's that gift right there.
You're learning to do something in a different way now it's to teach ourselves on a genetic level and our DNA level, I can learn and grow without pain, shame, suffering, guilt. Destruction, you know, , being, , abandoned and , that's something that, especially in the spiritual community, it's like, no, no, no, no, no.
The suffering is good. It's giving you, it's giving you, , it's making you more complex, , a diamond is created from pressure and it's like, yeah, but a diamond can also be manmade in. In a lab and it doesn't have to go through that, all that pressure. So there's another way to do it. And , it's a process of unlearning the craft we've been taught so that we can gain perspective, start to see struggle as positives, and then move past that to a place of , Oh, I can learn this lesson without you get hit by a car,
Damaged Parents: [00:35:21] right without, and without going into the, , that the crevice of despair, you know what I'm talking about, that,
Sahara: [00:35:32] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:33] you get when it seems like nothing's going right. In fact, , I usually try to stay away from why me. Because in my book, as soon as I start asking why I don't know about you, as soon as I start going, why me?
I'm a victim and I'm not learning the lesson. And I certainly can't hold myself close in that moment.
Sahara: [00:35:54] Yeah. And I think that when we get in that place, it's important to recognize that our inner child is asking for our attention. , so giving yourself that, like what you're doing, when you say why me is trying to go in and get comfort. So in that moment, it's like important to shift our perspective and go, Oh, I need to give myself some comfort right now.
Okay. Get quiet, get connected and go, what do I need , to feel safe right now? What do I need to feel comforted? And to give that to ourselves so that we don't slide into victim space because it's really just our, five-year-old self thrown, a temper tantrum
Damaged Parents: [00:36:35] Right.
Sahara: [00:36:36] and what, you know, Yeah. And really what we, what that five-year-old just needs is their mom come and love him and hug him.
, so do that, you know, curl up in bed and love yourself, , wrap your arms around that younger aspect , and tell them, you know what? Yeah, it's sucks. Cause struggle sucks. Not in any way, trying to diminish how much struggle sucks.
No, I don't get that from you.
It sucks, but it's also like be with it , and hug it and give yourself what you need. Cause you're struggling because you need something. It's something you didn't get when you were a kid, as much as we might say, I had the best childhood or the worst childhood, we all didn't get enough hugs. How many hugs you got?
Damaged Parents: [00:37:23] Right.
Sahara: [00:37:24] So we got the hug at the wrong time, you know? , so it's important to be able to do recognize when you start to slide into victim mentality. I just need to love myself right now and it's okay to take a day and be in bed and. And just, , love yourself up. Take that bath, eat that cookie. Don't eat the box of cookies, , feed yourself in a way that you need to feed yourself.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:48] So let's say something happened in your life and all of a sudden, I mean, you said COVID kind of did that in your life. , and it sounds like there were probably days that you needed to hug yourself , and to give yourself that room to. To have those feelings. , did you find your place, did you find yourself in a place where you were just like, I need a few days to just feel this , and then move on?
Or , how did you do that? , do you understand what I'm trying to ask?
Sahara: [00:38:19] Like, how did I get through, how did I love myself and get through those low spots? I was kind to myself and, , I'm not a big TV person, but we had TV there and you know, I'm going to binge watch the show today and I'm not going to, I'm not going to guilt myself over it. , I think guilt is the worst thing we can put in our bodies and it kills more people than any disease out there in all honesty.
, cause it's what creates that disease in many ways. . Yeah, just giving myself shameless pleasure. I'm going to sit here and I'm going to watch this show and I'm not going to get out of my pajamas. , You know, and days when I eat, we had, he had kids. So the not as easy on the days when we had the kids, , but I was living in Sweden.
We didn't lock down, so we didn't have the kids home. So I at least got half the day to myself. , but just finding, , peaceful moments, making sure I got out for a walk, move my body because I, even though I don't want to, I know that I'll feel better afterwards, Hey, let's even if it's just like, , the carrot in front of the rabbit, like, okay, why don't we go get a cardamom button and we'll walk through town and we'll take the long route through town to get to the bakery, to get the cardamom bun, you know, , I'm giving my body what it's craving , in the, , emotional sense.
, but I'm also making sure I'm supporting it the same time.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:53] Right. , so , you're feeling this way and then you're needing to spend time on yourself. And then , when did you get back up? How did you pick yourself back up? Right.
Sahara: [00:40:05] well, I left the relationship.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:06] Okay. So it wasn't working.
Sahara: [00:40:12] , I gave it my best and I finally had to say, I like this is killing me. This is killing my soul. This is killing my joy. I, I can't stay here and deal with your fear and your problems and ignore mine and let your fear in your problems dump onto mine. So now I'm carrying my shit and your shit.
That's not helping me. , and , he's walking around feeling great and I'm over there. Just one of my favorite countries on the planet and I'm like, I don't want to go outside. , so , I left the relationship and it's amazing. Cause I left the relationship and I went to my best friend's house. Her kids. I mean, I consider her, my sister, her kids are my nieces and nephews.
Her youngest is my goddaughter and I played with those babies. I just hugged them and played with them. And when they were at school, I made sure I went for walks and, , I made food that I loved and she made me food that I loved. And within a week I got called. For my first gig in 15 months, that required me to leave Sweden and to give up my residency, , application and everything I had in, but it was such a blessing.
I went, I got to go to The Bahamas with clients that I adore that are just like the best people. Then they invited me back to their home with them. And I spent another two weeks working with them, like to, it was, you know, , when you make the choice to stop suffering and jump, you know, like this, you know what this is top of the damn mountain and I'm getting off and I am skiing down the other side, or I'm sledding down the other side, or I'm rolling down the other side.
However you want to get down the mountain and you just go for the ride. You know, I got off of that chair lift up that mountain that was broken and. And I, within a week, the universe was like, boom. Thank you. Thank you for making that choice. Thank you for getting into LA. Oh, Oh, here's your heart again? You can feel,
Damaged Parents: [00:42:17] what I love that I'm hearing from you is I don't hear you. Beating yourself up over leaving a relationship that wasn't working for you. I didn't hear you say I'm sick, bad and wrong because I had this experience. What I hear from you is I love that I got to have that journey and it's made me who I am today. And I think that's really cool. And I love how you said, jump off the lift and go for the ride to take the journey. , because so many of us out, I mean, I think really a lot. , if we go into the internal workings of everyone, it's freaking scary to jump off the lift. , and to just go for it, you know, that's , it's like, well, you know, it's kind of like, you have to be in a position to be like, well, screw it.
Here I go. We're going to find out what happens. I'm not sure, but we'll see, depending on your belief, you know, it's like, okay, for me, it's okay. God,
Sahara: [00:43:24] Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And that's the thing, like the only regret I have is that I didn't trust myself earlier that I didn't trust creator earlier to get off the damn lift, halfway up the mountain.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:39] Oh, ouch point.
Sahara: [00:43:42] Yeah. I mean, that's like, and that's, and then I just have to go, well, I wasn't ready. Like, it didn't hurt enough, I guess. I don't know. , but you know, when you ask, what was your biggest struggle in life? It's like, I mean, I came from a tumultuous childhood, , With eating disorders. I had a suicide attempt.
I've been hit by a car. , I've been unable to walk multiple times in my life. I've, , been sexually assaulted and sexually abused. I've lost the use of my hands as a bodyworker for five years. Yes right there. And , I don't know. , and that's the thing, it's all relative. So if you ask me on a day when I'm suffering, that's the worst stuff.
Like I'm out of coffee. , that's the worst suffering in that moment for me. So , it's really all relative
Damaged Parents: [00:44:36] so what you're saying, let me just get, cause I think , this is what I'm really trying to investigate. Is it? Doesn't the suffering. In that moment, if it's the loss of your legs, that in that moment, it's the loss of your legs. If it's that you're out of coffee then in that moment and neither one is better or worse than the other, it's still suffering.
Is that
Sahara: [00:45:05] right. Yeah. Trauma is trauma. And I saw, Oh, if you haven't checked out, Mastin KIPP. I would highly suggest checking him out. He's a trauma therapist and he's , trauma is trauma. He had a meme the other day that was like, you can drowned in seven inches of water and you can drown in 20 feet of water.
You're just as dead. No matter where you drowned
Damaged Parents: [00:45:30] Right.
Sahara: [00:45:31] the, , why are we sitting there? And we judge others, we do that. Like, this is my pain. This is my suffering. This is my trauma. You have no idea what my suffering, my trauma is. We wear it like a badge of honor. And it's just like, yeah, no, I have no idea, but I know what my suffering is. And I can empathize with you and that's where we're losing things is we're. So, , the whole black lives matter, all lives matter situation where people, you know, white privilege, they don't want to accept that they have white privilege. Well, I've struggled to well. Yeah. But I've also had the privilege of walking through most of my life.
Without having it being assumed that I am something that I'm not, you know, so, which is an added level , of suffering and trauma. And so for me to sit there and say , my suffering is just as equal as somebody else's. Yes. And yeah, no, it is to me, but on a broader scale, somebody who's out of coffee and somebody who's just lost their legs. You know, if it feels, and it depends on what your relationship is to your coffee and what your relationship is to your legs.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:49] good point.
Sahara: [00:46:51] cause if you don't have a relationship to your legs and you're like, Whoa, whatever it might, you know, coffee is life. Well, you know, and it depends on your perspective and it depends on how you're seeing things because somebody might be like, that was such a gift to lose my legs.
Like I. Just got this amazing gift from this, , who knows? Not always, , but it's perspective and it's relative , and we need to start honoring our own pain
Damaged Parents: [00:47:23] and honoring others
Sahara: [00:47:25] Yeah, and we need to start empathizing with others. Yeah. Where they are at that. Cause I mean, we, especially as women, , we are sounding boards for everybody, all of our friends.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:33] Right.
Sahara: [00:47:34] So, you know, like you, your girlfriend will call you crying one day. , my boyfriend is such a jerk next week. She's engaged to him,
Damaged Parents: [00:47:44] Right.
Sahara: [00:47:45] you know? So , it's all relative and it can shift and it can change. You said, meeting people where they're at not judging that.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:58] Yeah. And for me, I think it's, , , someone once told me it's actually in the, going to be in it's in the opening, , right now, as it stands, unless that changes, it will still be there. But, , somebody once told me to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling. I think it's a hundred. End of story. And because of, and if I can stay mindful of that and staying mindful of that, I think is the hardest part because I get out in the world and I see all these capable people and, , that, that makes it hard for me to remember that. Because I see them walking and talking , and what you don't know about me yet.
And we're almost at the very end of this, , is this is actually a neurological disorder that I've had for 10 years. And I'm only realizing that. , so when I, even, when I go out as it with deformed arms and hands, and I see people and I see them walking around and using their hands the way I want to be able to use my hands, I forget.
That they are struggling. And I try to remember, and I still forget, and I'm, and here I am in this body knowing this, and I still forget. So I guess my question to you is , how do you try to remember what do you do in your life to try to remember that everyone else is struggling too.
Sahara: [00:49:28] Talk to people.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:30] Okay.
Sahara: [00:49:31] I asked them how they're doing and I expected on his answer, not the like, Oh, I'm fine. No, but really how are you, , really asking. And I think. It's harder with social media because we're getting to see this beautiful life. , and it's important to, to ask how are you? And I've learned that because I've from my experience of feeling like I want people to ask me how I am, because people would see as I was traveling my Instagram account and go, Oh, you got to look so great.
And I was like, yeah, but you didn't see me curled up in the corner of the airport crying. You don't see me struggling to carry my bags because today my hands have decided they're not going to work. You don't see the constant physical pain that I'm in. You just see that like I'm on a beach somewhere where I can be on a beach somewhere and in incredible physical pain.
And I can still smile. They're not, you know, , so reminding myself of my own duality, that I can do those things simultaneously, I can be suffering and I can smile. , and I can be living what looks to be an amazing life and what very possibly is an amazing life. , and , I feel like the, because of the work that I'm in working with clients, , I get to see the dualism. So that's always reminding me because we can be crying one second in a session and laughing in the next. , and also when I'm doing , the private wellness, I'm working with very wealthy people and they're, they have the same problems that
Damaged Parents: [00:51:05] right.
Sahara: [00:51:06] they have the same. They are human, they're human with billions of dollars. But that doesn't make life any easier for them. , that doesn't mean they suffer any less.
Damaged Parents: [00:51:18] right.
Sahara: [00:51:19] They just suffer in a bigger house.
Damaged Parents: [00:51:22] the emotions are part of the human experience.
Sahara: [00:51:28] Humans.
Damaged Parents: [00:51:29] we are, we didn't even get through all the questions, but I would like to ask, would you like to read your poem the way that you wrote with the inflections, the way you wrote it? Because I could, I was thinking about reading it and I thought, no, I actually want to hear it. , how you in your mind, what I mean? That
Sahara: [00:51:50] . Yeah. So I'm putting together actually, , a book of poetry. It's going to be called suicidal tendencies, and it's all about that. , essentially suffering and moving through suffering and reminding yourself that suffering , is momentary. This is not the end all be all. Today. Today is going to end.
Damaged Parents: [00:52:10] yeah. Made it through a hundred percent of the, my struggles to date. Chances are I'm going to make it through the next one.
Sahara: [00:52:15] Yep. And that's the thing I always say, , people essentially, their biggest fear at the end of the day is death. And it's like, well, when you die, everything's over, you don't have to struggle anymore. Like you're region Nirvana or heaven or whatever you want to believe. So you're good.
Damaged Parents: [00:52:32] a right. It reminds me of a Susan David's quote, , about dead people's goals. You know, if you don't want the pain and suffering, well, that's really a dead person's goals because pain and suffering happens. And I don't remember the exact quote, but
Sahara: [00:52:47] That's beautiful
Damaged Parents: [00:52:47] That reminds me that. This is part of this complex human experience. But so anyway, it looks like you're ready. So
Sahara: [00:52:55] Yeah. Okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:52:57] I wanna hear how you wrote it.
Sahara: [00:53:00] Okay. So it's called tattered cover. If I could go back rewrite my story, I would upgrade it to a hard cover. Indestructable sturdy meant to be used, shoved in and out of bags. Stood on, propped up with stained, with tears of someone who has loved and lost and woke up to do it all. Again, if I could go back rewrite my story, it would be hand bound.
Have you seen the way a book is sewn two hands worn and weathered holding grace delicately weaving pages, hand cut printed from a template. Hand-carved this is the way I have lived. If I could go back rewrite my story, I'd paint the title in gold. Leave it. Authorless. So those who read it could create their own vision of me to live on in their imaginations.
A woman, a wife, a mother blue eyes, red hair, pink skin, Asian, Indian, Irish, Muslim, atheist, Buddhist, a new breath of life with each reader. Bits of them woven into me. If I could go back, rewrite my story, I wouldn't change a thing. Well, maybe take out a few of the shoulds and the didn'ts. My story is complete.
Perfect unchangeable. I am complete perfect. Ever changing my story. Like all good stories lives through you. My heart beats with yours in our own perfect rhythm. My tears mixed with yours, creating Holy water, my eyes, meet yours, seeing exactly what we are ready to see my story and yours spread magic in everyone.
We touch.
Damaged Parents: [00:54:50] That's beautiful. Saraha. so glad I got to to have you today.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Sahara Leigh about how she learned to find value in herself when others didn't. How dumpster diving was fun. And maybe our suffering is a badge of honor. We especially liked when she read us her poem, Tattered Cover.
To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for @damagedparents. This podcast was sponsored in part by Arches Audio. We'll be here next week. Still Relatively Damaged. See ya then!
