Episode 62: Militant, Immigrant Family Challenges
Jeannie Baldomero and parents
Jeannie Baldomero is the founder of the ROOTED program, and is a mentor of moms with teen girls by equipping them with resources and tools to help tpheir daughters through this awkward stage without risky relationships. She is a wife of 20 years, a mom of 3 teenagers herself as well as mentors youth girls in her church's student ministries. Her passion for kids as a former educator, value for a strong, healthy family unit as a homeschooling family for several years, and zeal to impact young teen girls has led her to partner with moms and guide them to create healthy relationships with their teens.
Social media and contact information:
web site: www.jeanniebaldomero.com
Facebook: Jeannie Dela Rosa Baldomero
Instagram: @jeanniebaldomero
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where militant, immigrant, and perfectionistic people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged.
Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?
My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Jeannie Baldomero. She has many roles in her life. Wife, mother, sister, daughter, and more. We'll talk about how she came from a military and immigrant family and struggled to find herself value and developed a perfectionistic personality where in failure was not an option. We'll also learn how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome to Jeannie Baldomero to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We're so glad to have you here today.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:02:10] Oh, thank you so much for having me. I'm glad to be spending some time and chatting about what my story is all about and sharing it to your audience.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:18] Yeah, seeing that you are the founder of the rooted program and you are a mentor of moms with teen, specifically girls and equipping them with the resources and tools to help their daughters. Tell us a little bit about that.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:02:33] Sure. So just a little backstory on how that came about. A lot of my story stems from a pivotal point in my. Middle school age. And if I were to always reflect back on my life, it always goes back to when I was 13 years old. And it was the time where my mom's looked at me and she's like, I don't even know who you are.
And I don't know if you remember Angela how it was like being a 13 year old, even a 12 or 14. Year-old however it may be, it was. That change. It was, for me, it was the year. I decided that I was going to parent myself. I was going to do exactly opposite of what my parents wanted me to do. And because of that, The years after there was a lot of consequences and a lot of trials that I had to go through because of that mindset, because I felt like my parents didn't have a say in my life.
And it stems. And maybe we'll talk about this later about. What my childhood was like. And I think middle school was such a pivotal moment for me that actually whatever happened in my childhood, it funneled into my 13 year old self and it just kind of sprayed out into my young adulthood. And I kind of do struggle with some of it now being a 47 year old.
But the reason why I decided to create this program Rooted was because I specifically thought of my mom and having to deal with uh a young teenage girl like myself and how difficult and confusing and frustrating it must have been and how she must've felt. Seeing her daughter just changed so much in that year and then how the repair, the relationship had to happen years later.
And so I felt like, well, I don't think there really is any resources. Now that I'm a mom of a 14 year old. There really isn't that much resources or community specifically for the mother-daughter relationship. And so that is why I wrote this curriculum with my mom in mind, And I actually lead and mentor a group of young girls, my daughter's age.
And I have since fifth grade and now they're freshmen in high school and I can't believe it. And I even thought, gosh, these moms are coming to me asking for advice too. And that it hasn't really gone away. The frustrations and the helplessness of wanting to serve their daughter well and parent their daughter.
Well, but just not knowing exactly how to do that and feeling so alone in this journey. And so that is why Rooted came about.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:00] I love that. And it sounds like at 13 you were declaring your independence in any possible way you could. And I can't wait to hear the story and. I 100% agree. Parenting teenagers is extremely difficult. Like we briefly talked to you have teenagers also. So, I'm definitely interested to continue to hear your story here.
So maybe if you want, what we can do is. Have you start that journey for us, where it started for you, which sounds like early childhood. And we'll just go, we'll walk that journey with you and determine how you found hope and courage along the way and we'll round, back to the plan is anyway to round, back to Rooted.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:05:42] Right and circle back.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:44] That's Right.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:05:45] Well, so I came from a military immigrant family. I'm actually the first generation to be raised. In the United States. So my parents grew up in the Philippines. My dad joined the military and like most military immigrant families moved over to the United States. So I can imagine having one, to be owned by the government, which is totally fine.
My dad knew exactly what he was jumping into, but at the same time, having to learn an entirely different culture. And having to raise your children within that culture that you're trying to figure out yourself. So a lot of times people ask, do you speak your parents' language? I was like, no, I don't because they relied on me to teach them English.
And so already by then, there was a huge responsibility kind of inadvertently put on my brother and I to be that bridge for them growing up and living in the culture of America. Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:41] From the Philippines, that culture is different. If right then, in the States.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:06:47] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:48] And so were they also dependent on you to help them with that in some ways?
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:06:54] Yes. So that's where the struggle was. Is that because they grew up in a very hierarchal, generational type culture where no matter your age, if you are the oldest, like my grandparents, they're still the patriarch or the matriarch of the family that you listen to your grandmother and grandfather, even when you have your own kids and your mom and dad, even when you have your own kids.
And so that's just the culture in the Philippines and it's very authoritative. It's you know how nowadays we can reach our kids at their level and have more relational. And whereas in the Philippines it was, very authoritative that you are the child. I am the adult. I am the parent.
I tell you what to do. You don't question anything I say. And so that's just how it was. And discipline, there was very I guess old school discipline here. I remember my brother getting the ruler at, the Catholic school year and now it became illegal, but capital punishment in the Philippines is prominent, especially in the families.
And so they brought that over into our culture here, raising us and being the bridge. I guess I could say the bridge generation. It was very difficult for me and my brother to be parented as an authoritative parent, but yet seeing other cultures that there's a different way to parent relationally. And so that was a conflict.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:24] I think what I'm hearing you say is had you stayed in the Philippines, in that culture that, because it was how it was done there. It may have been easier to grow up in an authoritative home because that's just what the culture said was appropriate. Right. And then you came over here and over here, it was clearly not that way.
And so it was probably I'm thinking confusing.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:08:51] Yes. Well, and I was actually born here. So I'm an American citizen. I was born in Rhode Island in one of the stations. And so I never really grew up in the culture I visited and I understand, especially with my grandmother, my grandfather. My aunts and uncles. And my parents explained to me every single time, how in the Philippines, my cousins were not as a rowdy or rebellious as we are here in America.
And so I think that was the clash. I was constantly reminded that we were not respectful not disciplined enough because we grew up in this culture as opposed to my cousins in the Philippines, which were very obedient. Very you do what you say. You're very respectful and I think that's what we struggled with growing up.
Me and my brother is that constant comparison of us growing up here versus my cousins growing up in the Philippines. And we were constantly being compared because my grandma and grandfather moved here, my parents were here and it was a constant reminder. And so I see that frustration with my parents on how to raise my brother and I, because we looked like we were rebellious and we didn't respect them, but.
In our point of view, we were very loving and we were very, I felt like we were pretty respectful and listened to my parents, but I think it was just that struggle. And because of that, it was a constant battle between, especially my dad, because he was in the military. We moved to San Diego when I was seven, because in exchange for moving around from station to station, as I did, when I was younger, we decided that we would stay put as a family and my dad would leave more often.
So through my, I would say my childhood from seven to junior high, I hardly saw my dad. My dad was in and out all the time. And my mom being a military wife, she wore the pants in the family and it was very hard for her to let go of that when my dad came. So my dad was ready to come in, be the leader of the family.
But my mom's like, no, we have a routine. There's no way you're going to mess this up. And so we saw that.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:03] Were grandma and grandpa there when dad was away. I mean, it sounds like they moved to the States too. Here's my thoughts when I hear that grandma and grandpa came over from the Philippines and they have this belief on how families are supposed to be run. And then it's different here.
I mean, I'm thinking there's a significant amount of stress on mom too, to please grandma and grandpa just a natural occurrence. Right. Not right or wrong. Just that's what I was wondering. Were grandma and grandpa around and do you know now, does mom feel that pressure at that time?
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:11:38] Oh, yes, my grandmother and grandpa came for that specific reason to help my mom out. But they were in and out of our house, so they would live. At our house for years at a time, but then move and go work somewhere else and then come back. So they were in and out, but she did. How did that pressure of how she was raising us?
I remember my grandmother would always, nag at my mom about how undisciplined my brother was, especially he was ADHD. So you can imagine that. He was a naughty kid you know, went to, four different elementary schools. And so my grandma just saw that as plain out disobedience, you need to rear him a little bit better.
And I remember my grandma used to chase him around, trying to spank him with the slipper.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:26] I'm just envisioning that.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:12:28] I know we laugh about it now, but it's just like, how traumatizing is it that your grandmother is trying to whip you with a slipper?
Damaged Parents: [00:12:34] Yeah, well, and I'm thinking like how hard it must have been to not feel like she had any sense of control and from this other culture, and having that shift in so much out of control. And then you've got this kid with ADHD, just pushing every last little button. Like I could just visualize it.
A mess.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:12:54] Yeah, totally. And that was our family. It was at a point where, and my dad didn't understand ADHD. He just thought it was an excuse to be diagnosed. And it was an excuse to label him and that there wasn't really anything wrong with him. He was just disobedient. And so that caused a lot of issues and him being very authoritative from the military, there was some abuse child abuse with my brother and I being the older sister had to watch that.
And oftentimes, sometimes I would actually intervene because he was my brother and I felt like I needed to protect him. And so that was my role growing up, that my dad coming in and out there are good days. And sometimes there are bad days and those bad days, I felt like I really needed to step in and be the older sister to defend my brother.
And that's how it was growing up. We actually came to a point where my mom, was desperate need for help. And. Yes, my brother was a catalyst to a lot of dysfunction in our family. And so we saw a family counselor for years to kind of understand what is going on in our family. And it came to see that my dad had issues with alcohol and abuse and anger.
My brother just happened to be the brunt of it and that me and my mom were the ones that had to witness it and had to feel like our family was divided. And so that stemmed into junior high school back then it was called in your high school, I guess it's middle school here. Where now my dad was more at home, no longer being deployed everywhere and wanting to take on the role as dad.
And that's where I was like, I had the big hand and saying, no, you're not going to try and father me after being gone for so long and after me having to defend and being referee all these years. Right. And so that caused a lot of rebellion with me as a 13 year old. If my dad said don't wear makeup, I went to a Catholic school.
And so if my dad said don't wear makeup, I wear makeup. If my dad says, don't go out, I went out and I found either way, it was. Either I was lying to sneak out or I didn't care what he said and I was going to do it anyway. I know at 13, they didn't want me to date. I know for a fact if they had it their way, they would wait, have me wait until I graduated college to start dating.
But I decided to have my first boyfriend when I was 13 and he happened to be a gang member and our neighborhood. Me and my best friend dated their brothers. And we thought it was cool being in Catholic school. We've always desired to be like the public school girls, but didn't realize that dating a gang banger is probably not the best choice for me, but it was at the time because I think it was my sense of I'm controlling my life.
This person loves me. And so I'm going to love him back. He's giving me the attention that I so desired.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:42] Which makes a lot of sense to me because absolutely dad was not going to have a say, so you had to protect your brother from him, you and your mom were on the sidelines. It just makes a lot of sense that you would then rebel in that way to me.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:15:58] Yeah. Yeah. And I think you wonder why this was such an impact on my relationship with my mom all this time. Actually I thought it was because of my dad that I am like the perfectionist. I feel like I need to achieve things to prove myself and prove my worth, but it really is my relationship and seeing my mom, because I think she over compensated and wanted to see us do very well in a culture she didn't understand.
And it was almost her escape from this dysfunction in our own family that, you know, what, what I can control is be the best mom I can be. And push my kids and not let them settle for less than. And so it was my relationship with my mom that actually propelled me to this lack of worthiness questioning am I enough? Wanting to people please and achieving. And when I do achieve things, it's still not enough. It's like what's next. And it was just one of those rat races where I've always felt like I needed to prove myself to people. And what for.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:04] Yeah, well, and I would think too, coming over from the Philippines and embedding yourself into this culture and this society that. And this could be my perception. I'm not sure if it's your perception or your mom's perception too, but if I'm new in this culture, the only way to show that I've succeeded is to be successful.
And what does that look like in this culture, in the United States? Right? It seems like it's money and authority and power.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:17:33] Yup. Yup. And that's true. And you think of typical Asian felonies, you've got to have straight A's and that was my mom. Like you have to have straight A's and straight A's will equivalate to success, which will equivalate to a high paying job and to success. Which is like what you were saying equivalent to your income and how much money can make.
So, and that's what she desired for all of us, specifically me being the oldest. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:57] Yeah. So it sounds like there was a lot of pressure. Okay. So you're in junior high, you date the gang banger,
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:18:04] I look back and like, I can't believe I did that. Especially having a daughter I'm like, please don't do that.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:09] right? I mean, did that continue on through high school? What happened next?
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:18:14] Uh, it was a good year. I think we broke up, my freshman year in high school. It was funny because that's when I had a S uh, a wake-up call. I realized. Going into my freshman year, how hard it was to get into high school, because I almost flunked eighth grade. So it took a lot of work to get into my high school.
Again, it was a private Catholic school and so I had to test, they had to accept me and I barely got in and I realized in that moment, I didn't want that. I didn't want that type of life that I was trying to live in my eighth grade year. So my freshman year, I decided to make some changes and one of them was breaking up with this guy and focusing on my grades and what I can achieve.
And so now this rebellion shifted, like we were just talking about, shifted into achievement, into proving myself that I am not the person that I thought I was going to be in my eighth grade year. But it was almost like a shift from escaping one thing it's still escaping. I think it's still shifting what's going on and your relationship with your parents from one thing to another.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:23] what I hear you saying is that. You were focused on the boyfriend and then got rid of that and then focused on the school, which maybe was more acceptable to the parents, but you were so in a way, maybe you were escaping the wrath I don't know.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:19:39] I think it was more of trying to prove to my parents that I'm worthy. I'm worthy of not being criticized. I'm worthy of their love without condition, but I've learned that I felt like I needed to prove myself to receive their love. So I come to realize that as an adult through therapy, that you know, what the things I do is because I try to prove myself to them that I want their love.
And I remember my therapist asked me, has your mom or dad ever said, I love you just out of the blue. And I said, no, they haven't. And I think that's what was a missing thing was that I've always did things to get their attention and to see if they really did love me. And I've always, I think I've been groomed to do things on conditional love
Damaged Parents: [00:20:33] Okay. So maybe testing with the boyfriend to see if they still loved you, even though you were doing exactly what they didn't want you to do to see if they would still kind of show up, I guess, maybe. And then with the grades it was to get it. And that's really interesting.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:20:51] Yeah. And so for a long time, and I'm an Enneagram three. So I don't know if you know, Enneagrams, but
Damaged Parents: [00:20:57] Not too much. If you could explain it, please.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:21:00] So Enneagram three is a performer, a high achiever, and one other downfalls is that they can be a chameleon because they desire that achievement and a people pleaser. And so when you're in distress, you can lean towards that. That's like they say, it's the sinful part of the Enneagram three is being the chameleon.
Meaning like if you see something that's praise where they, you go and do that. And years of that, you forget who you really are. You don't even realize I don't even know what I'm into I don't even know who I really am. And so you're this chameleon like the Jack of all traits, but don't really recognize, like, who are you truly?
Who are you truly?
Damaged Parents: [00:21:45] Okay. So, because you're the chameleon, your not doing really what you want to do, your blending in with what you think other people might want you to do so that you can be accepted and loved.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:21:57] Yes. continue to get the praise. And it can be very, very exhausting. Right. And so years and years of doing that, you think you're this person until you really realize that if I were to get real with myself, what are some of the things I don't like? And you start to see through a filter that I don't really like doing that.
And so why did I do that?
Damaged Parents: [00:22:20] Right. Can you give us an example of some other time that you figured something out like that?
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:22:25] Okay. So my 40th birthday on it, this is like the most recent cause I can remember this one, my 40th birthday. I decided to do a fitness competition. And of course me being a high achiever, a performer Enneagram three. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to show up. To be my best and I'm not going to show up on a stage half par.
So I did my best. Right. And I won the sword, which is the top prize that you can get in my age division. And that was my first competition. But years later I realized that did I do that to just prove something to myself or because my friends were into it and I just decided I wanted to do it. So things like that, I realize that.
Okay. Was that really good for me? Or was that not good for me?
Damaged Parents: [00:23:11] Right. Were you able to figure it out? Did you do it for your friends or did you do it for yourself or was it maybe a mixture of both? I mean, I know this world is a complex world, so
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:23:19] Yes. I know. And then it wasn't mixture of both. It was a milestone age for me. So I wanted to prove that, Hey, you know, age is not a number. Right. And, but at the same time, as I continued to pursue, after it started to feel. Like a have to do, because I felt like I needed to keep up with my friends who were doing the same thing.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:40] Okay. Okay.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:23:42] Yeah, years later I decided, you know what, it was, a milestone thing I wanted to achieve and I needed to stop doing that. Enforcing it.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:50] Oh, so you had kept doing it then and. And it no longer served a purpose for you. So you had to figure that out.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:23:57] Yeah, I kept on training thinking that will I go for another competition? And years later with obstacles that have actually stopped me from training to compete, I realized that it was. Something that wasn't as important as I thought it would be. And I was just trying to keep up with the friends that are in the industry.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:20] Got it. Okay. I have to ask you about, you use the word, do your best quite a few times. This, the phrase. Do your best. When you think about that phrase, is it really hard on days where maybe you're not a hundred percent to accept that the best that day doesn't look like the best on a different day when you're feeling maybe more energy?
Or do you understand where I'm coming
from with that question
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:24:46] totally, I smile while you're saying it because it's really a process that I am even learning to this day, is that. You can control what you can control, but you can not control what you can not control. So that is something I always tell myself, control what you can control, but don't control what you cannot control, accept that that's out of your scope.
And so for a long time, even if it was out of my control, I would stress over it. I would try to make it work, but I've learned to be gracious with myself. To actually tend to that soft spot of wanting to do it and not patient enough to wait it out or even accept the fact that I can't control those things, that I can only deal with what I can that's in front of me and to be okay with that.
And so that is something that I've been working on these past several years is to just be okay with what you can do now.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:44] Yeah, and that's hard.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:25:46] Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Especially years of the person that, Nope, we're going to do this. We're going to do this. I don't care what it takes.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:53] Well, and it seems like a lot of type A and must be gosh, I don't know how to say this because. Successful can mean so many different things, but the perception of what our culture sees as successful. That's what I'm when I use that word, because I asked one of my teens a few years ago, you know, what they saw as success.
And I said, well, what if success is happiness and silence. Nobody knows what to do with that one, you know? Okay.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:26:21] because it's so subjective. There's nothing to measure it by. You know what I mean? Everyone's happiness is different. And so your standard of happiness could be different from my standard of happiness, but what keeps us from accepting that. Is that you're probably worried about my standard of happiness and what I'm going to think about your standard of happiness, you know, the contentment
Damaged Parents: [00:26:44] Yeah. And the judgment.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:26:45] and the judgment.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:47] And the self judgment, really, because what I think you're thinking. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself that Jeannie is thinking X, Y, and Z, therefore X, Y, and Z means this. Which means if I don't do that, maybe she won't like me. I th I think that's kind of the thought process you're talking about.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:27:06] Yes, that is, and that's the truth is we make a lot of assumptions of what. People think of us when in actuality, we spend so much energy doing that. And I realize that they're probably not even thinking of it. It's just a lie that I'm putting in my head and I'm, believing.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:22] Yeah. So when that starts happening for you, what do you do to shift.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:27:27] You know, it's something I teach my daughter and my kids too is when they make a blanket statement of like, nobody likes me or I have no friends. There are three questions I ask first is stop yourself from the thought. Question the thought is this the truth or a lie? And if it's the truth, then I mean, where people of faith, we go into this in scripture.
What does God say about what you are thinking and what do you need to move forward? If it's a lie, don't give it any energy because you're focusing your energy on something that's not even true.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:59] Right. So first you have to be aware and stop the thinking and then check in and then decide what you're going to do.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:28:06] Exactly
Damaged Parents: [00:28:07] the three step process.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:28:09] the three-step process.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:11] Yeah. Which can also be exhausting, right.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:28:14] Oh yeah. It can be. But if you are more in tune of a thoughts. You know, I just read this book by Jenny Allen it's Get Out of Your Head. And it talks about the spiral of thoughts that we can get lost in. And she talks about how we can, it's a habit, obviously. So as we get into the habit of thinking of our thoughts and stopping it right away, then we're more in tune of when we start to spiral and then, then we can catch it really fast.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:43] Yeah, I agree with that one a hundred percent. Okay. So being that you're a mom now of teens. You created Rooted from this background of what happened. And actually, I'm not sure we're quite there yet, because did you only just start noticing all of this as your children turned into teenagers?
And I know that's when you came up with Rooted,
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:29:07] What
Damaged Parents: [00:29:07] to figure out where the yeah. Where the process was or when it started happening for you. Like at what point did you start recognizing, and then was it. Years before, or was it as the children became teenagers?
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:29:21] So first off, I have an elementary education background. And so I've worked with young kids. And so the thought of having to deal with adolescents really scared me. I always said to my colleagues that were middle school teachers, I'm like, you know, I commend you for teaching middle school kids. They scare me until I became a mom, the one right.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:42] Right.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:29:43] Of actually three cause they all went through. And I think one of them, and so this is years later, so. Several years before, as my oldest started to enter the adolescent phase, I began to question my own parents, you know, we actually homeschooled up until junior high. So that was our deal high school.
You can decide to go back into regular school or stay in homeschool. And so during this time I struggled even. In my mid thirties, having really embraced my spiritual health. I still questioned what it was like to be that mom, because I love my mom. She did her best. I don't think I had the model of a healthy relationship with my kids because I desired something different.
I don't blame her because she didn't have that. Raising a kid in America, you know, she didn't have that back or neither. And there wasn't a lot of resources on it or at least not back then. And so raising my oldest, he's my strong-willed child. He's the one that actually made me, the mom made me a mom and really questioned a lot of the intent that I had and really knew how to start that things up in me that I really didn't at times didn't like, I've learned to ask for forgiveness very quickly.
I think that was something that was different between me and my mom. But it wasn't until I decided to start focusing on my relationship on my daughter, her going into her tween stage stage, just because my own background, I knew for me what was coming right. And to have a group of young girls that I could mentor along with her one, it provided community for her.
And good friendships. Right. And for me, it allowed me to see what was going on in these relationships and guide them in a biblical way. And so fifth grade moving up, that's how it started. And I realize that. A lot of moms too started to ask me advice about how to raise their child. And I realized no matter your socioeconomic status, no matter your cultural background, that moms still struggle with raising their daughters through right these years.
It's intimidating. I did a study with some women and it's called identity and basically it breaks down our identity, what we were given. And how our childhood could affect and skew what our real life true identity is. And so that was what catalyzed me into thinking, Oh my gosh, this is such a crucial stage for girls in their lives.
Just listening to their conversations. A lot of insecurities are about relationships and friendships and who they are and how. Their opinions matter so much, and it's no different than us as women. Right? We just talked about that.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:31] Yeah. Yeah.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:32:32] But how amazing is it? If we can equip moms right off the bat, going into the tween stage and helping them guide them and cultivate their thought process through this stage where basically it shaped there already.
Self-aware becoming very self-aware and comparing themselves to others that if we can equip moms to help guide them through this process, as I'm talking to myself too, as I'm guiding my daughter and having a really good relationship with their daughter, that they can truly embrace their identity. That they were given regardless of the outside circumstances that could come at them and they're able to filter it through a lens.
That's more confident and courageous. So that is why
Damaged Parents: [00:33:17] Yeah. And I think I hear you saying that. The child has their identity of who they are and the mom has their identity of who they are. And the idea is to not lose either one and to be true so that each person can be true to who they were meant to be.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:33:36] exactly. Yeah. Like my perception of who she should be should not skew. Who she really is. Does that make sense? Like, like a lot of times we bring in our own baggage, like, I don't want this to happen to my daughter. Like I just said that, but I have to stop myself from doing that because who's to say that I'm not raising her the same way my mom's raising had raised me.
Does that make
Damaged Parents: [00:34:03] Yeah, it's so hard and confusing as a mom. My belief is, like I said, I'm a mom of teens too, and it is really hard to not put my perception of what I believe, their capacity, how I see them and impose that on them, which in reality it doesn't allow them to change it. Doesn't allow them to just be who they are meant to be.
And I don't get to control that anyway.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:34:35] Right. It's so true. And so it's like, I'm sure moms are listening. So it's like, well then how do you guide them? If there is no standard or nothing to bounce off, it really is. It's like you teach them what their values are. Like, do we know their values? And that is the baseline of how we guide our daughters.
Right. And how we even got ourselves. Like we all live by values and that's how we can measure. What's right and wrong. What decisions we make and our choices we make for ourselves. It has nothing to do about what I think about her value. It has everything about how that value develops her. Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:11] Yeah. And making sure that I think. Maybe for me. And what I'm hearing a little bit from you is seeing her or who she is and not for who I think she should be. So if, I've got a child that struggles in school that. I don't see you for the grades. I see you for the amazing person you are and the effort you put into to getting to even getting the grades you get, which even in how I said that, actually I think I hear her a little bit of judgment, even in getting the grades you get, right?
Like, so catching ours that's really hard.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:35:47] It totally is. And you know, what's funny is that teenagers are super sensitive to that, like for you and I, because we have a little more experience we're able to filter and understand like, Oh yeah, I know what you meant by that. But. Through the lens or the ears of a teen, that totally is offensive.
Like, yeah, you totally just judged me. And you're like, I didn't even mean to
Damaged Parents: [00:36:08] Well, the fact that I caught myself on recording.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:36:13] that is good.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:14] I mean, you know, I can't tell you how many times, like, but like you were saying earlier it gets really hard, especially to apologize to children and that it's extremely humbling, at least for me. Yeah how were you when you first started?
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:36:30] Oh I mean, even now, like even when I am very angry, I mean, obviously we say things out of anger because that's what, sometimes that just comes out. We're just not perfect. And I know right off the bat, I'm like, Oh, I totally blew it. I literally have to wait for them to calm down because they won't take my apology.
And so I'll go in and do a heart. Like I really do it genuinely apologize for the action and ask for forgiveness. And I think that sense of humility, although in society, it sounds like, Oh my gosh, you just apologize to your child who does that, but it's that humility that connects us to our kids. And that actually it's all about trust, right?
Relationships are built on trust. And so yes, we will make mistakes and it's good for them to see that. Like, I don't expect you to be perfect yourself. Right. Even when you're a dad or mom, it's not going to be perfect. Apologizing quicker is going to build that trust. It's a sense of humility that we haven't arrived and we don't know it all.
And that we're on this journey of trying to figure it out, you know? And so if our kids can see that it's that trust that's built between, and gosh, you know what a great relationship that is building towards adulthood, right?
Damaged Parents: [00:37:48] Yeah. And I guess if the perception if mom's not perfect and dad's not perfect. Then there's not an expectation that I'd be perfect either and leaves room for mistakes, which now is triggering me to think it's not a shameful thing. It's that a mistake was made. And now we can talk about it because they aren't, it's not like it doesn't embody all of who they are.
It was just a mistake.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:38:15] Yeah, exactly. It was a mistake and it's a, it's an opportunity for growth,
right?
Damaged Parents: [00:38:19] Yeah. Okay. I've got to know when they call you on your crap. You know, I'm thinking that probably happens.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:38:27] Yeah. They totally do. Especially my oldest and my, daughter. She's very good at that. She'll just go, mom, you just did that. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. Like my son, my oldest son, he so like puts me on point. Like he'll call me out and he'll go, Hey mom, didn't you just say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like, Oh, you're right. And those moments where he calls me out, it actually allows me to have a peak of his heart and understand why he's calling me out. And although it does come across very judgy and It is. It totally is when he's calling me out totally judgy, but you get a peak of his character development, like.
That came from that part, that's the character that, that as a parent, we're trying to guide them to shape, you know?
Damaged Parents: [00:39:18] Also what I'm hearing is as a parent view, also, it gives you not only an insight into him, but allows you a moment to take a look inside too.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:39:28] Oh yeah. Yes. Yeah. And it, makes me laugh and I, you know, I always tell them, I'm like, you're right. You're right. You called me out on it and I am sorry. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I'm like, Hey, just don't, erase from your memory.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:42] Yeah, every child, every all of us. Somebody told me a long time ago, no child has gets childhood unscathed. So if that's true, then we're all damaged in some way and have something to work through. And in what better way that it, that I'm getting from you is to create that net of people around us.
That's our family that is able to say, Hey, your nets fraying right now, we need you to work on that and fix it, maybe not fix it, but, could you work on that? So our net could be stronger.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:40:13] Yes. Yes, I totally agree. And it's like you know, that phrase, it takes a village and it does, and that is another, I talk about humbling is allowing to have different voices speaking to your children. And it doesn't necessarily have to always be mom and dad. It does take a tribe to be able to shape this one person.
And it's not really shaped, but it's impart some wisdom of experience, and. There are other people that they'll have a bigger ear for, because at some point, Oh, your mom and dad, I've heard your voice for. 14 years already, it's a fresh voice saying the exact same thing, you know, we need that tribes surrounding our kids.
And when you were saying that, yeah, we are relatively all damaged. And I think that's, if we can keep that in mind as a person giving grace to themselves as a parent raising children, that yes, there's no perfect path. And that. In these experiences we're failing forward. It's not about whether or not they'll make mistakes.
It's about what are we going to do when they do?
Damaged Parents: [00:41:21] Yeah. And that's hard. That is hard. And. I dunno, I just get this, this really neat feeling of, vulnerability and love for yourself and love for your children and your willingness to show that vulnerability, has helped create some really neat relationships with your children.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:41:40] Oh, yes. Yeah, it has. I think, If I were to compare my relationship with my kids, as opposed to my relationship with my parents, it's totally different. Do I have a great relationship with my mom and dad? Of course I do. You know, I forgiven them. We've had, healing done and, you know, they're totally a part, a hundred percent a part of our lives.
And. Because I, that I think they're allowed to have this flourishing relationship with their grandkids. I know relationship with grandkids are a lot different, but
Damaged Parents: [00:42:05] yeah.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:42:05] do. They have a great relationship.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:08] Well, and that shows another side to that, yes injury can happen. Yes, pain can happen and yes, we can reconcile that and we can work it out and we can heal from it. And I don't think that means that there aren't challenges today in your life, with all of these relationships,
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:42:27] Yeah. And that doesn't mean like, yeah, everything's like. Smooth as ice that there will be some challenges. It's just like we were talking about how you approach them, you know? And how do you allow the past to affect what you're gonna decide in the future? Or do you step-by-step conquer what's ahead of review the obstacles you that's ahead of you and how do you grow through it?
You know?
Damaged Parents: [00:42:49] Yeah. And how you grow through it. I love that.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:42:51] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:52] That's great. Okay. So. What else before, before we get to three things. Cause I like to end on three things. What else would you like us to know about Rooted that you haven't told us yet?
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:43:05] Sure. I'm not quite sure if moms know that this is a tool that was created for them. If you happen to have a tween or teen girl in your life or are starting that phase or maybe on the tail end of it. This is really created for you. Now mom's of teen boys. I also have teen boys. I've had moms ask, well, what about moms of teen boys?
Well, this can be applied to them too. And the reason why it was specifically niched for mom and daughters, it's just a different approach to the relationship. But of course, mom of teen boys and tween boys can actually go through this course as well. It's provided we have two ways of providing it for you.
If you go to my website, jeanniebaldomero.com and I'm pretty sure you're going to put that on there. There's an on-the-go, like there's a on-demand course, that's eight modules long that you can go through it yourself at your own pace. And there is a community forum because I believe in community and being able to process your thoughts, share your struggles and even your wins.
So there's that provided in there as well as all the resources and tools to help you go step by step within each module, they build upon each other and involve the family, which I'm super excited about because I think communication between mom and dad is equally as important to raise, the household.
Right. We're doing the Rooted. Program, which is that eight week module course, and we're bringing it locally. So if you're in the San Diego County area, we are actually providing a three day live intensive where we're in person, it's small group, socially distance.
Um, And we're going to be taking those eight modules and rolling up our sleeves and doing it within three days. So that's going to be fun too. So it's a deep dive of What it is to build your relationship with your daughter?
Damaged Parents: [00:45:01] That's amazing. Okay. So three things people could do today, whether they're the teen or the parent, or maybe even someone else in the family dynamic, we had an aunt and uncle, a grandma, whatever, three things they could walk away from this podcast with.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:45:18] Sure. So three things, one, give yourself grace. That whatever has happened to you in the past, whatever you're struggling with now, give yourself some grace that it is okay. That remains where it is. And moving forward, you do not need to bring that with you and that we're not going to be perfect.
Not to allow that, to shame you and keeping you from really loving on the people around you. So that's number one, give yourself grace. Number two be quick to listen. So this goes with anybody around you. I think, one way of building relationship is really being quick to listen, understanding the other person's point of view.
I think a lot of misunderstandings happens in assumptions. So ask good questions, get curious about the other person. And then number three is be humble. We talked about that being quick to ask for forgiveness, being quick, to not know all the answers right. And being okay with allowing people to help you.
And I think that's a quick way to build trust in any relationship you have.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:25] Awesome. Thank you so much, Jeannie. We're so glad we had you on today.
Jeannie Baldomero: [00:46:30] Oh, thanks so much for allowing me to share my story. I love conversing with you. Thank you so much.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:35] You're welcome.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Jeannie about how she learned to let go of the perfectionistic personality and become the person she wants to be. We especially liked when she talked about how much her children have taught her about herself. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on instagram look for damaged parents will be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.
