Episode 55: The Great Countdown
Renee Salway
Renee is a public speaker and award-winning author. A contributing author in the book Ready to Fly Volume 1, she has been awarded with the Next Generation Indie Book Award for Women’s Issue’s in the non-fiction category. She is currently working on her memoir The Great Countdown! It details her life of struggle as well as her process towards healing the hurts created by trauma that was beyond her control. Renee is excited to connect with others to share her story so they may move forward into the marvelous life that is awaiting. Renee currently lives in Colorado, is married and has two beautiful daughters. She is currently learning to play the piano and enjoys the beautiful outdoors, singing, writing and drawing.
Social media and contact information:
ReneeSalway.com
FB: ReneeSalway
LinkedIn: Renee Salway
YouTube: Hope2Overcome
Podcast transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where unwanted, undesired, and discarded people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling. And feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Renee Salway. She has many roles in her life mother, sister, step sister, wife. Motivational speaker and more. We'll talk about how her family was divided. She experienced many years of trauma and how she found health and healing. Let's talk.
Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Renee Salway with us. She is a public speaker and an award-winning author. You can find her at reneesalway.com or Renee Salway on Facebook. I'm so glad you're here.
Renee Salway: [00:02:16] Thank you. I am excited to be here and hopefully share a little bit of my story and give some people some hope and some encouragement.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:25] Yeah, we can always use some more hope, I think. Right.
Renee Salway: [00:02:30] Yeah. I don't know that anybody ever has enough, right? No, I agree.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:34] Yeah. Especially when you're in the midst of a struggle, which is what we're here to talk about. And which is part of the point of the podcast. Where's the place I can go and listen to stories that are hard and difficult. And then I can have hope after an hour of walking in their shoes.
So speaking of walking in someone's shoes, Renee, would you please start your struggle for us, where it starts for you? And we'll go from there.
Renee Salway: [00:02:59] sure. Well I say this tongue in cheek. But I think it started when I was born, it's been a long haul. And I say that because I was born into a family my mother and father had five kids. I was actually, they had seven, but I was the fourth child born. And each one of us were about two years apart.
Now, I'm not going to give away my age, but it wasn't 20 years ago, it was a little longer. So the situation was my father even at a young age, had difficulty with anger and alcoholism. My mother had some issues and as I look at her history and how it affects me and the struggles I had uh, with having children, you know, 18 to 20 months apart, I truly believe she suffered from post-partum depression.
And if you know anything about that, two years is not enough time to work through it and then have another baby or sooner. That created a lot of mental and emotional stress for her on top of the violence and the abuse between my father and my mother. And then after I was born, her mother passed away, which she was very, very close to.
And that kind of put her in a tailspin. And then after she had my brother uh, she was diagnosed as manic depressant as schizophrenic, which looking back on it, she probably was more bipolar, but at the time that's what they did. And for a period of her life, she was in a state hospital. Her brother admitted her because she was just doing all sorts of things.
So I grew up in a very chaotic troubled situation. My parents divorced when I was about three. And it gets it. This is so bizarre. I can not make this stuff up. You're going to listen to this story and say, this doesn't even sound like this is real but it is, it's the truth. So they divorced when I was about three.
So the kids, the five of us at the time were like seven, six and a half, five, three and a half and like one and a half. So we were all just clumped together. So going through the divorce. As I said, my mother was actually put in an institute after my younger brother and her mother passed away. So she was deemed an unfit mother.
So my father marries his best friend's wife. Now his best friend. I know crazy. So his best friend had passed away and married this woman who had two kids of her own. So there were seven of us all under the age of seven. And I don't blame her. You know, My step-mom was like, look, I can't handle all these kids, seven kids.
And the oldest one is seven, two or seven, two or six and five, four, you know? so we all got split up. My older brother went into foster care. My two older sisters went into separate foster care homes. And my eldest sister actually ended up with a relative. So my father kept myself and my brother three and one and a half ish.
And then my stepmother had a five and a seven year old. And because they loved kids so much, haha. They decided to have three of their own. Why you know, when I was growing up, my biological mother didn't treat us well. And I think a lot of that had to do with her emotional instability. I have documentations where she left us in hotel rooms.
Left this in laundromats, the sheriff had somebody call the sheriff and I had to go take us home. We weren't fed well. My father was physically abusive to her and to us. And unfortunately that didn't stop when my father married my stepmother. In fact, it got worse. So we were the two definitely unwanted children.
I grew up being told every single day I wasn't wanted. My father didn't know if he was my father, because my mother ran around. We weren't fed with her kids. We did chores that everything we did was a challenge. For instance, instead of letting me vacuum the living room floor, I literally had to crawl on my hands and knees and pick up every piece of fuzz and put it in a little baggy.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:45] So even though you had three siblings that were farmed out if you will, and well, you were still with Dad and yet
still very much so this sense of, and I mean, rightfully so. I'm not wanted,
I'm not important
Renee Salway: [00:07:01] Very much. So she told me every day.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:03] oh, she said it.
Renee Salway: [00:07:05] Oh yeah. She said it out loud. It was no, no secret, no secret at all.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:09] Ouch.
Renee Salway: [00:07:10] Yeah
Damaged Parents: [00:07:11] How do you even keep moving? I mean, you're young, like.
Renee Salway: [00:07:16] Four
Damaged Parents: [00:07:17] So at this point you don't know any different.
Renee Salway: [00:07:19] You know, when you're a child and somebody is feeding that into you, you believe it because you're a kid you don't know better. And so I grew up with this, survival instinct, if you will, because not only was there so much verbal abuse, but there was physical abuse. I don't remember hardly a day would go by that I wouldn't get hit or beat for something and it didn't have to be anything.
It could be a look. It could be the way I walked across the room. It could be the way I held my fork at dinner. It just didn't matter. You know, I was the scapegoat. Whatever problem was happening in the family. Uh, It was my fault. If I wouldn't have been born, my dad wouldn't be drinking well as a child.
I believe that, but as an adult, I know that's ridiculous. Um, Her children, so her two children that she brought into the marriage were five and six years older than me. So if they got bad grades, somehow it was my fault. Oh. And here we go. I wasn't allowed to talk to her children. We got five kids in a 1200 square foot house.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:17] And you're not allowed to talk to them.
Renee Salway: [00:08:19] Well, no, no, but they're allowed to talk to me and they were allowed to hit me as well. Yeah, and that was my daily life. I'd get up at 5:30 pick the little fuzz off the floor, clean the floor with my bare hand on the tile. I mean, it was so bizarre. Go to school. Try to make it through the school day, come home.
Invariably, there was something I did wrong. So it was either with the belt, the stick, anything she could find. And then my father would come home and she would just wear on him about some minor infraction that I did to the point where he couldn't take it. And I learned not to sleep because invariably about midnight or one, I would wake up to my father hitting me.
And that was my life. And I developed you know, it's weird. I still had a weird sense of humor as a child. I think it was just my survival mechanism of some sort. And you know, it was, it was just a game of survival. It was okay if I can make it through this day, if I can just make it through this week.
You know, in summers were a mixed bag. Because, every kid likes to get out of school. Right. But the thing is I'm home more, so there's more opportunity. Right. And then I'll, I'll tell you a couple of stories. That'll give you a little glimpse and I like to share them with some humor because what else are you going to do?
One summer in junior high, for some reason, she bought my brother and I a pool pass. Now the pool opened at about one in the afternoon and closed about nine at night, but she would send us out with our towels and our swimsuits at like eight 30 in the morning with no money, no food. It was like, okay, what are we supposed to do between now?
And 8:00 PM? She'd go, don't come home till 8:00 PM. Okay. Right. So we learned, we learned about dumpster diving before dumpster diving was popular. We found a store and we figured out it was just when they were starting to do expiration dates and sell by dates. So we figured out the store that we had to walk by to get to where we wanted to go.
The different dates of when they, what day of the week they throw out breads cereals. Now we stayed away from the fresh fruits and vegetables. Cause those are gross, right? I mean, we made sure what we dug out of there was, clean. So I've learned to not eat two cereals, Captain Crunch and Raisin Bran. So one day we found a box of Captain Crunch and I don't know what my brother had.
He may have had a box of like sugar frosted flakes. Well, I ate the whole box without milk mind you. So I get home and the roof of my mouth is a disaster and I couldn't hardly talk. And my stepmother's like, what's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? We'll be in a kid. This is whatever kids is on.
I don't know. Oh, I don't know. I'm not going to tell her. I just ate a whole box of captain crunch. So that was about a three or four day recovery period. And then another time we found Raising Brand, well, I don't think I have to give you the details of that. And she's like, what did you eat? What's going on again?
I don't know. I didn't know anything.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:25] And were you punished for that?
Renee Salway: [00:11:27] Well, she didn't know what was wrong with me. She didn't know we were dumpster diving. She didn't have a clue. I mean, we would scour the grocery store parking lot for change to buy food. That was a thing that we did on a regular basis was looking around for pennies or dimes or quarters or whatever.
So that was funny No we didn't get in trouble for it, but you know, most of my life was like I said, every day was a hassle, but some of the very challenging parts, because even though I can chuckle some of these events I will say by the time I was in third grade, I was incredibly depressed.
I just wanted my life to end. I didn't see the purpose
Damaged Parents: [00:12:04] So in third grade, You're you at least now looking back, you could say that was clearly depression. What did that look like?
What if there was an adult in your life? What would they have seen in you? And then also, what did you feel like? What was it feeling? What did it feel like at third grade?
Renee Salway: [00:12:23] As an adult looking at me, I'm sure they saw just a punching bag. I came to school in bruises. She only let me take a bath. Once a week, I was incredibly active. I was this stinky smelly kid in school. I was made fun of every day of my life. So I got at home and I got it at school. But back then, it wasn't required by law for the teachers to do anything.
And back then it was kinda like, well, it goes down in their house, goes out in their house. It was almost more of a hands-off approach. As opposed to now you see something when you call, you don't wait around for something to happen. So what the depression looked like, I distinctly remember walking home from school, thinking this is my life.
This is my life every day. What is the purpose of me living and breathing? And I thought, you know what. I'm just going to end it. This is going to stop and I'm going to take care of it. And I am a Christian, so I really believe God, God kind of stepped in and some of these pieces and I'll tell you how.
So I got home from school, this one particular day, and my stepmother gave me a timeframe to get home from school. And if I was even a second late, Yeah, she'd get the sticker, the belt or something, whatever. And so everyday she was standing at that door trying to catch me, and this day there must've been a look on my face because she just kind of backed it into the house.
And I dropped my stuff on the front porch, went around back. We had a little shed, I had a little bicycle, I got my bike and I thought, you know what? I grew up outside Chicago, by the way. I thought, you know what, I'm going to go take, I'm going to ride my bike out into the middle of the busiest intersections.
Someone's going to hit me. I'm just going to end it. And so I take my bike and I go to this one intersection and I literally. I remember having my hands on the handlebars, I close my eyes and I put my foot on the pedal to push myself out into the intersection. Nobody hit me. I tried it four times. By the time I got home, I was so more angry than anything else.
I'm like, how is this possible? How are these people missing me?
Damaged Parents: [00:14:23] Yeah. That would be infuriating if that was what you were determined to do with that time. So what did you do next?
Renee Salway: [00:14:31] Oh my goodness. So I put my bike away and that night I remember just laying in bed and just sobbing and I'm like, God, what, what am I doing here? I mean, just sobbing and sobbing. I felt like a failure. I felt, abandoned unwanted definitely unloved, and like I said, they didn't make that a big secret.
It wasn't a hidden agenda anywhere. Um, So that was third grade by junior high. I had kinda cycled around to the same situation in my mind. And I like to call these God interruptions. So by junior high, here's what happened in sixth, between sixth and seventh grade. I'm playing in the middle of the street.
Uh, A ball game is. It's called 500 with a bat and a softball. And I saw across the street. This is back when people used to go knocking on doors. Hey, will you come to our church Sunday? Yeah. Hey, community outreach. So I see this young man on the other side of the street, going up to these houses and I'm like, I know what they're doing.
They're trying to get people to go to their church. Right. And I'm thinking, he's kind of cute. He's like, Hey, can I talk to you for a few minutes? And I'm like, yeah, you can. So I sit down on the Parkway, it's the piece of the law in between the sidewalk and the street. And he's sharing with me about Jesus and God and his church.
And I'm like half listening, I was just thrilled that this good-looking teenager take five minutes to talk to me, you know, little scrappy girl. and he said something though, that , he he says, so can I pray with you? And I'm like, well, sure. I don't care do what you wanna do.
And he says, now when you pray, just remember every time to end it. I believe in Jesus Christ. Thank you, Lord. Amen. And I'm like, okay, whatever. And at that point I really wasn't sure what I believed in God. We really didn't go to church and anyway, but I had done that wish upon a star. Have you ever heard that star light star bright first star?
I see tonight. I wish I may wish I, I have the wish I wish tonight. Well, I had a mad crush on a boy, my sixth grade class. And I wanted him to be in my seventh grade homeroom cause once we got to junior high all our classes were in different rooms, even though it was within the same school, it was real similar to high school.
And so that was, so I added that to my wishing upon a star. So it'd be Starlight star bright first star. I see tonight. Wish I may wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. I wish that so-and-so would be in my homeroom class in seventh grade, I believe in Jesus Christ. Thank you, Lord. Amen.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:56] So you literally turned that into a prayer.
Renee Salway: [00:17:01] did. I didn't know any better. I thought, well, we'll see if it works, what could it hurt? Right. And then I happened to see this young boy would, I was riding my bike around in the middle of the summer and I'm like, Hey, you know, what's your schedule look like, what home are you in? And he wasn't in my homeroom, but I didn't give up.
So I just kept praying. And lo and behold, he ended up in my homeroom class in seventh grade and I thought
maybe there's something to this but that was the same summer. There was a significant turn in my mindset because up until that point I really did struggle with a lot of depression and obviously self-esteem, self-worth, self-value all of those because of the circumstances that were so beyond my control, but that particular summer, I remember my stepmother had us do such odd stuff.
She had me sweep the street in the middle of our house. The street I'm talking with the cars are, I, I don't
Damaged Parents: [00:17:55] So you're talking about the street in front of the house. She had you cleaned the street, the asphalt street.
Renee Salway: [00:18:03] Yes ma'am
Damaged Parents: [00:18:03] yeah.
Renee Salway: [00:18:03] just crazy stuff, but it was incredibly hot this day. And I think I was dehydrated and I fainted and yeah, she had to come get me out of the street. I'm kind of wobbling to the middle of the yard. She got me a glass of water, you know, have me put my head between my knees.
And the thought occurred to me. If I could make myself faint on cue, that could be a way out of some of this stuff. Maybe you know just got to remember. I was hit pretty much every single day of my life. So I thought, Hmm. So the next day, I don't even remember what infraction I did, but she came at me with her.
It was a stick that was actually a piece of floor trim. And somehow I started hyperventilating. I just fainted. So she stopped. I think it really freaked her out. And I thought, oh, this could be a solution. And at the same time, I thought, you know what? I was about 12. I remember I was 12. And I thought if I can make it to my 18th birthday.
Cause she told me since I was like four, as soon as you're 18, you're moving out of the house. Well, my birthday's in December, it's in the middle of the year. And I kept thinking how's that going to work? But there was a change in my mindset. I thought, okay, if I can make it six years, if I can survive this, I'm going to start my life over.
Everything's going to be different. I'm going to be who I'm supposed to be. I'm going to be away from these people. I'm not going to look back. And so that became my goal. My focus. Every time. Well, almost every day, because there was some episode it was just so I call it the great count down six years, five years, four and three quarter years.
When it got down to about three years, I started doing months, 36 months to go 35 months to go and it continued.
And
Damaged Parents: [00:19:46] So it sounds like. The way you were able to keep moving was by starting your great countdown and then bringing it closer and closer together to give you that hope that this will end. I am going to get out.
Renee Salway: [00:20:00] exactly. And the truth is I wouldn't have had a choice when she had been telling me for years at 18, you were moving out. I knew that was going to happen.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:09] Well, I also think that maybe in the back of your mind that at 18, even though she had been telling you for all these years, what was going to happen, that there may have also been this idea of this will finally end and I will be in a better place.
Renee Salway: [00:20:24] Oh, absolutely. That became my hope. That became my whole goal. Yeah. I mean, between the beatings, the insults, the neglect, all of the abuse, as long as I could keep that focus in my mind. I thought I can endure this as long as they don't kill me, which I wasn't too confident. They wouldn't. you know, I was like, okay, okay.
Just keep breathing, keep that heart beating. Right. And so then by the time I got into high school, I have to say that that's when the fear kind of started setting in, even in greater proportions. I got in with the wrong crowd. I became very promiscuous. I was doing drugs and through this whole thing, I was working full-time and going to school uh, in eighth grade I had to start paying rent to live in her house.
Oh my goodness. The stories I could tell you there's too many.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:14] Rent in eighth grade.
I mean, what are you 13 who maybe in eighth grade and you were able, I mean, you were able to get a job so that you could pay this so-called rent at that age.
Renee Salway: [00:21:27] I did. I worked at a donut shop and technically I wasn't supposed to work as many hours as I did because we had those work forms. They're supposed to fill out because you're going to school, you're a student. So I had to get a student release form to work, but I was still working 30 to 40 hours a week in eighth grade.
Cause I had to pay.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:45] How much was your rent,
Renee Salway: [00:21:47] it was $80 a month.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:48] which is a lot back then,
Renee Salway: [00:21:51] Yeah, it was when you're making a dollar 12 an hour.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:55] Mm. Hmm. And what were, what was going on with dad? Because it seems like he kind of exited the picture a little bit.
Renee Salway: [00:22:02] He did. I think he just, as long as we were, look somewhat normal, I guess, you know, he was busy working and drinking. It was the mindset of, the woman takes care of the kids and I just do my job and he was involved in the abuse too. I mean, it wasn't unusual for me to get hit every day from my dad.
I quit talking to him in third grade because I didn't see the point.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:22] Right.
Renee Salway: [00:22:23] Didn't matter what I said or did,
Damaged Parents: [00:22:25] Yeah. So then most of your interactions are with this step-mom. That's interesting that he kind of disappears from your story
Renee Salway: [00:22:32] Yeah. Well, he was there, but he, I don't know how much he knew was going on in the house. I'm not sure he wanted to know.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:40] Yeah,
Renee Salway: [00:22:41] She didn't tell him I was paying rent. And who would think to ask
Damaged Parents: [00:22:44] Right.
Maybe that was her spending money or something.
Renee Salway: [00:22:50] Well, I will tell you this. I didn't have a pair of store-bought clothes till I was a sophomore in high school.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:56] Hmm.
Renee Salway: [00:22:56] Now her kids did.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:58] Ooh, that's painful. Okay. I know I could offer a story. So I just wanted to understand a little bit more there.
Renee Salway: [00:23:05] No, no, no, you're fine. There's a lot to unpack and it can be tough. So in high school like I said, I had gotten into drugs, had become promiscuous. I was working, I was going to school. Oh. And then in eighth grade, right before freshman year I had tried to commit suicide again only I had a friend, she and I were going to do it together.
And You know, sometimes as kids, you're just not all that bright. And obviously, I don't think I really wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to end
Damaged Parents: [00:23:32] yeah.
Renee Salway: [00:23:32] and I didn't know what other options I had. And so we decided we're going to slit our wrists and I know I'm chuckling, but you will start laughing. I promise you.
So we decide to try it with a pair of scissors, not a bright idea. I'm like, are you kidding me? This hurts. This is the solution. So we're trying to snip our skin with these scissors. And I'm like, yeah, this is not going to happen. So she and I are like, you know what, let's not do this. So her parents were older and her mom had some heart issues.
So our next plan was, let's get some of your mom medicine and just overdose. That's not going to hurt us. Right. And the day that she was supposed to bring the pills, her mom usually was back in bed. By the time she left for school, her mom was pretty ill. For some reason, her mom didn't go to bed and I'm like, well, where are the pills?
She's like, I couldn't get them. I'm like, you gotta be kidding me here we are again. So we decide, I know, I know this is, like I said, this is definitely a God interruption. So she says, you know, I'll get one of my dad's straight razors. Cause back then that's, what her dad used. And I said, okay, okay.
Cause we gotta get this done. Cause I'm like, I'm running out of steam here. How many times can I try this and fail? So two days later, she was supposed to bring a razor cause again, her mom was asleep and her dad was out of the house. By the time she left for school. Cause her dad owned several gas stations and stuff.
He was a real businessman entrepreneur. So she comes to school. She's like, you're not going to believe this. I'm like, I'm going to strangle you. What now could go wrong? And she goes, my dad didn't feel well. He stayed home with mom. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm like, let's just stop. Let's just not even go forward with this plan.
We'll try months later. So by the time I got into high school, The level of depression and fear was really becoming overwhelming, even though I was still doing my countdown. Okay. I got four years to go three years to go. And then in my sophomore year, between sophomore and junior year I was raped at knife point on my way, home from the fast food restaurant that I worked at.
And that was a whole nother fiasco and challenge. And I just kept thinking. I'm still breathing. I'm still living. I got to get uh, two years, two years left.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:45] I was going to ask raped at knife point. Who did you go to, or did you go to anyone and let them know?
Renee Salway: [00:25:52] I did because it happened at about 1:30 in the morning. I was walking home from closing the fast food restaurant. When I got home, I told my parents, we called the police. The process was pretty brutal back then. This is an example of the changes that have happened since then. My parents didn't really believe me.
Yeah. I don't know why I would make that up, but they did call the police and I am in a fast food restaurant uniform. And I distinctly remember the police officer saying, well, did you entice him? How do you entice somebody when you smell like burgers and fries and you're wearing this dirty greasy, gross restaurant uniform.
And then he pushed it and he said, well, did you enjoy it? And at that point I took the kitchen chair and threw it at him.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:36] Wow.
Renee Salway: [00:26:37] Now they don't handle the situations plus, and then I go to the hospital, you know, they do the exam. I got interviewed by five, five male police officers. And they wanted every nitty gritty detail.
And then they didn't get the results they wanted from the rape kit, the test because I had gone to the restroom three times. Nobody told me not to,
and then they couldn't find the gentleman or the man he's not gentlemen. Because the guy that did it to me, he had shorts on a knife and a ski mask. So I don't know what he looks like and they couldn't find him. And I didn't get a good description of the license plate because gee, I'm thinking about saving my life.
Why would I look at a license plate? I just didn't have the presence of mind. And so the police officers actually ended up calling my parents and saying, they thought I made it up for attention.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:24] I'm thinking you paid a huge price at home then after that,
Renee Salway: [00:27:29] I did. I did. And what is really, was really creepy about that whole situation too, is they wanted me to go to group counseling. These were some of the reasons why they said I probably made it up. I didn't want to go to group counseling. I didn't want to sit in a circle and tell all these women that I don't know, all these things.
I just, I just couldn't do it. But there was a boy in my school that sat at my lunch table that made a comment at lunch. That let me know. He knows, he knew who did it.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:57] And what was your feeling in that moment?
Renee Salway: [00:28:00] Rage. I don't know if you've ever watched the show Snapped. It's weird women who killed their husbands or boyfriends cause they've had enough. And I sat there and I thought. If I had a knife or a gun, I think I would have hurt him seriously. And I'm glad I didn't, you know, but everything in me wanted to respond physically to this person.
So I had to work through that. So the depression and all of these other huge events just, just really began weighing on me, even though I was still doing the countdown. So when I started my senior year, as I said, my birthday's in December, so when I started in September, I thought I've got four months.
I have no money. She wouldn't let me get my driver's license. I have no family or friends I can move into. I mean, I thought I'm going to literally end up on the streets, which through my life, that's what she told me. She would tell me, you know, when you grow up, you're just going to be a prostitute. I didn't know what that was.
So in second grade I looked it up in the dictionary. I knew it was something like not nice, but I had no idea. And I could tell by the tone that she used, you know, it was something not good. And I remember reading in the dictionary, the definition, and I thought I was going to get physically ill. Ugh this is what she thinks I'm going to be.
I mean, I heard stuff like that. Like every single day of my life, I was ugly. I was stupid. I was going to grow up to be a prostitute. All of this stuff. My father didn't know who my dad was. My mom did this anyway. , So September came around and I went to my school counselor and I said, look, I said, I am in a bad situation.
I got to move out the first week of December. I have no place to go. I have no money. I don't know what's going to happen to me. So he looked into a place outside called the bridge and it's basically foster care for older teens. Or troubled teens and the ironic thing was I told my counselor, I said, I don't think I'm the trouble.
I said, I think it's my parents. And they connected me with a family and we had a discussion now because I was just under 18. I actually had to involve my step-mom cause I had to have a parental signature. You talk about breaking out in a sweat. I'm thinking. Oh, whoa. Oh my gosh. They're going to kill me before my 18th birthday, because now people know there's trouble in the home.
But you know, she was an unusual person. She came in, she acted like she loved me, which I know she didn't. I thought my counselor was going to fall off his chair because he knew a lot. And honestly, if you just looked at me, you could tell I was not a well cared for loved person. It doesn't take much to figure it out.
And my foster mom to her credit, she just sat there and nodded, and I think all three of us were just thinking, sign the paper and leave, just go. So that happened. The night before my 18th birthday, I don't know if I can express the level of fear and anxiety that overwhelmed me. I had heard horrible stories about foster care or sometimes the situation is worse than the one they're leaving.
I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I mean, I really didn't know this family. I was moving to another town. I was embarrassed and ashamed for my life, which most of it, I didn't have any control over. And I remember just sitting on um, she had kicked me out previously, which that's another story, but when I moved back I didn't have a mattress.
I had a, a sponge two inch sponge square on the floor that she let me sleep on. So I sit up on my sponge as I call it. And I'm sitting there with my legs, crossed my hands clenched and my face down. And I just started sobbing, just sobbing, sobbing, and. I'm like, God, I just started repenting and I didn't even know that's what I was actually doing at the time.
I was just saying, sorry for every everything I could think of that I felt responsible for. It still chokes me up because I said, God, I will give you my life. I will do whatever you want me to do with my life, but you've got to save me from this. I can't go into another family like this.
I can't. And I remember sitting there. With my head down and tears just dripping from my face to the floor, to the sponge. And it felt as if an electric blanket was just wrapped around me, I could feel literally like this weight and this warmth. And I was afraid to open my eyes because I thought, I don't know what this is.
I don't know if I'm losing my mind because that was the other thing she told me that I was going to go crazy. Like my mother. I'm sitting there, but I just felt this overwhelming, warmth and peace. Now you have to remember, I never knew peace in my life, so I didn't even know what to call this emotion at the time.
And I remember looking up at the clock and it said 1:05 AM. Okay. And I just sat there and it got real quiet. I got real still. And I thought, I know that. I know that I know it's going to be okay. I know there's a God that heard me. I don't know much about Him, but I'm convinced. So finally fell asleep, got up, went to school the next day after school, on my 18th birthday, happy birthday, me my foster parents show up with their car.
I have my little suitcase in a little box and they're like, Where's all your stuff. I'm like, this is it. And to be honest, I did not wave goodbye. And I don't remember. I didn't even look behind me. I don't know if my step-mom watched me out. The window looked out the door. I don't know. I just left. So I get to my foster parents and my foster mom turns around to give me a hug and.
This has always been so phenomenal every time I share this, because it just seems so unbelievable, but it's true. She turns around to give me a hug and I just stood there like a stick and I'm thinking, I don't think I've ever been hugged in my 18 years of life. I didn't know what to do. I was just like a statue.
I was thinking, oh, and yet in my mind, I thought, I know I should do something, but. I couldn't emotionally, I just couldn't express myself. So that night I sat down and I was sharing to her what happened to me the night before. And she starts crying these big crocodile tears down her face Oh you met, Jesus last night and this and that.
So we start talking about, what does salvation look like? What does the kingdom of God look like? And what is Christianity all about? And I believed her. So this whole countdown. So it was on my 18th birthday at 1:05 AM. So fast forward a couple of years. Cause I want to share this part because this is the part that really gives folks hope and encouragement as well.
So a couple of years later I had to get my birth certificate. I don't remember what I needed it for. Maybe it was cause I was finally getting my license, but anyway, so I was a little nervous. So filled out the form. And I thought, I wonder if my dad's name is going to be on it. Cause he had told me all my life, he wasn't my father, he didn't know who the father was, is what he said.
So when it came in the mail, I mean, I was a little shaky. I was a little shaky and I'm like, okay, I really want to open it, but I really don't. so I open it up. And the first thing I do is look at the names. So there's my dad's name. There's my mom name, their age. Well, apparently in my family, the women can have quick births because she was in the hospital an hour and a half before I was born, or she just waited till the last second.
And then I looked over at the time.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:58] 1:05
Renee Salway: [00:34:59] Yeah. You cannot tell me that's a coincidence. I don't believe it. And most, most people, whether they're believers or not know Jeremiah 29 11, I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord plans to give you a future for welfare, not for calamity to give you that future. And a hope he had a plan for me.
I didn't see it I was ticked off. Most of the time, at Him thinking, what was the point of me being born this just to be somebody's scapegoat and punching bag every day, there's gotta be something more. And I do believe that, and there's other stories I have that I call God interruptions that I could share.
But that one, especially when I started that great countdown, I really believe he kind of planted that thought in my head. Cause he knew, I didn't know what was going to happen to me when I was 18. I just knew I was going to leave the place I was at, but I didn't know what the future.
So it was really a powerful moment to say the least. And my foster family at the time was going to a Lutheran church and this was in the eighties. Back then it was kind of the cool thing to research your name. What is your name mean? Everybody had their name and their meaning all over their walls.
And uh, I thought, okay, this is what we're doing. The youth groups doing it, whatever I'm going to participate. And my name Renee literally means born again or born anew. And my middle name means devoted to God.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:22] Oh, wow.
Renee Salway: [00:36:23] I'm certain, my parents didn't have a clue. When they named me, in fact, a lot of people when I was little would be, are you French? Are you French? Cause Renee was not a common name. And I'm like, I don't know what I am I don't know. I do now. But so that's some of the story in a nutshell, there's so much more to unpack with that, but the basis is I want folks to listen to this.
And know that one, nothing is forever. You may be going through a bad season right now. Now my season was 18 years. I hope no one else has to go through anything that long. but it will end. And I think that's the hope and the word that people need to know. It's going to have a beginning, middle, and end and to function in the strength that they have.
And the resilience that has been given to them. And if they're a believer, of course, you know, reach out to the Lord and let him build you up and strengthen you. And I do, I believe God does have a purpose for each person. Now it may not be a flamboyant purpose. Not all of us are going to be on TV, being these big name, the evangelist or pastors or whatever, it does not mean that your life is less than.
And I also want to tell folks just because that changed, happened in my life didn't mean I was hippy skippy 24 hours later. There's a process that you have to work through. There are things that have to be done to reprogram how you see yourself, how you see others, how you see God, how you see life. And that takes work.
That just doesn't happen on its own. Especially how you view yourself, because typically how you view yourself as how you're going to view others.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:04] That is a fascinating comment because. How many times have I heard, you know, did I say, or, , even other people say, well, I treat everybody so great. And then they have this internal, like we have this belief that we're treating people differently than we're treating ourselves and finding out that's not true that.
If, I mean, if I have that mean internal voice, then chances are, I'm probably coming across that way. I'm not intending to, that might just be what's happening though.
Renee Salway: [00:38:36] Yeah, absolutely. And, people use the term people who have gone through a lot of trauma, especially abuse. They get into the forgiveness road, which is important. So with my stepmother, when, when I went to buy, I actually went to Bible college. After I turned 18, my foster parents sent me to one and one of the first teachings I remember being taught was about forgiveness.
And I was like, oh, wow. I mean, everything was new to me. And so I went back to my room and I always had my little prayer time and devotion time. And I felt like the Lord really told me, you need to write a letter to your stepmom. I'm like, are you out of your tree? I'm very real with God. And he's like, you need to write a letter asking for forgiveness for the anger and the hatred in your heart.
And I'm like, okay, let me get this straight. She hit me. Demeaned me. Belittled me, abused me, neglected me in every way, shape and form. And I have to tell her I'm sorry. And I was just like, And I thought, oh my goodness. And I was miserable for like three days. I kept putting it off. I'm like, I don't know.
I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can really do it and mean it, but I was so miserable. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was under such conviction. So finally wrote the letter and I'm just like, I can't believe I'm doing this. So I walked to the mailbox and I couldn't put it in. I'm like, I can't do this.
I mean, I was shaking and sweating. This was no light assignment me. So it, again, it took me another three days. The third day I went to the mailbox and I literally threw it in, slam the door and ran. I thought, if I stay here one second, I'm going to take that letter out. I'm going to take it out.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:04] You would have broken back into the mailbox.
Renee Salway: [00:40:07] So I go back to my room and I'm just exhausted. I mean, it had been a week, you know, just trying to write the letter, trying to process, why am I doing this? You know what she gonna say? How she gonna respond? Oh my goodness. And I just sat down and I was kind of exhausted and I was a little weepy and I'm just like, okay.
And this is how real, I was only like 18. So I was young and a very young person. I was like, okay, God, hope you're happy.
And I'm sitting there and I cannot, again, it was one of those monumental moments in my life where I just felt this sense of lightness in my heart, such a sense of release. I didn't realize what a monkey on my back that had been because I was so ignorant. I had no idea, and I had no idea how freeing.
I felt like I was getting saved all over again. It was like, oh my gosh, this is wonderful. This is amazing. Why didn't I do this sooner? Well, I didn't know. Okay. But it was a struggle. And you know, that is a key piece to getting well and healthy as well. It's very easy to say, well, I forgive you, do you, and I'm not telling you forget, God, doesn't ask you to lose your mind.
Like you don't have a memory. You're going to remember these things. And sometimes they're still going to be a little ouchy, even all these decades later. Sometimes when I share different pieces of my story with different people, I can feel a little tinge.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:33] It sounds like you really took responsibility for your part of the pain, you know, in, in the forgiveness and in that letter. The letter was forgiving, right. and I have this , I don't know where it is. I think it's in scripture somewhere that sometimes people don't know what they're doing. It just don't, they don't know the pain they're causing. And so to forgive her. That weight that comes off of you is just, yeah, it's fantastic. because it allows someone else their journey and you don't have to control it anymore.
Renee Salway: [00:42:06] well, and they're not controlling me.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:08] Yeah. Yeah,
exactly.
Yeah.
Renee Salway: [00:42:11] But it's not easy not to do it for real. And again, have I forgotten all those events? No. Do they sometimes, like I said, make a little ouchie. Yeah, do. But I know that I know that I am free to move on, to continue in my healing to continue to share my story of hope for other folks as well.
And I don't know what her response is, you know, I'm responsible for my life. Not hers.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:35] Well, that's kind of where I think I was going with that by doing that, you took responsibility for you because. She could do her. And you could do you, which really doesn't make a lot of sense because of the age range in which you suffered. And yet the only way to get through that was to free yourself it sounds like too, to forgive, allowed you to be free also.
Renee Salway: [00:43:04] absolutely. Absolutely. it's clearing out. The clutter, the pain and the cobwebs from your heart and your mind, because again, you can walk away from something, but if you don't replace that emptiness with something else, nine times out of 10, it's going to creep back in. So let's say I was addicted to cigarettes.
Never was thankfully, but what if I was, and I decided I'm going to walk away from that. So what do I replace it with? There's gotta be something else. One I need to figure out why is it so addicting to me? Why is that bringing comfort? You got to get to the heart of the matter, and then once you realize what that is and you start to move forward with, well, it's gotta be replaced with something else or it's going to creep right back in.
We can't walk around, like with holes all over our body and think we're going to be well. You can't just pull out the hate and the anger and the loneliness and the abandonment feelings. You got to replace them with other healthy feelings. And if you don't work through that, you're going to end up right back where you were and you're not going to move forward in the way that you can.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:05] I think also learning to love that part of you that was lonely to love that part of you that was angry.
Renee Salway: [00:44:12] Yep.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:12] It is, it can be hard. Okay. We're about out of time. So I'd love chatting with you. I wish we could chat more. Three things. tips or tools people could walk away from this podcast.
With that we may have already talked about or something new, just three things that you think are important.
Renee Salway: [00:44:32] One, nothing is forever. You've got to look for the end game. You've got to look for the end game. Two, you gotta have a plan. Now my plan was very juvenile in its thought process. My plan was to escape and start over. Um, But you have to have a plan of action, not just willy nilly it and three, you need to learn to love yourself and allow others to love you as well.
You really, really are. Your true authentic self, not as you were saying before. Sometimes we put on. Different things for everybody else to see and care for realign, that inner dialogue. And you're going to be a much happier person and you're going to be able to move forward. And like you said own it, it's okay.
That you are angry. It's okay. That you are mad. Just don't stay there. Joyce Meyer says something a lot, and I know she's not the only one, but I'm going to give her credit for it. Cause I love it. It's not how you start. It's how you end. That's what I mean? What's your end game? What kind of person do you want to be?
Start, start working on that. I want to be kind. Okay. What is it going to take to get there?
Damaged Parents: [00:45:33] Yeah. And the other thing that I heard you say earlier was it's not an easy journey. And that's just part of the process.
Renee Salway: [00:45:41] It is, but it's worth it.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:42] Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on the show today, Renee, I love that. We got to hear part of your story. I have a feeling that they're even more fantastical parts of your story that we did not get to hear. So you guys check her out reneesalway.com or on Facebook at Renee Salway. Thank you so much.
Renee Salway: [00:46:02] Thank you so much for the opportunity to share. I appreciate it.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:06] You're welcome.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Renee about how coming from trauma has given her strength. We especially liked when she spoke of her connection to God and her desire to make the world a better place.
To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Tik TOK. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
