Episode 52: Overcome Pain to Discover My Purpose
Tamar Medford
Tamar is a performance consultant, life coach, best selling author, and champion for people in recovery. Since overcoming her 20 year battle with drugs, alcohol and obesity in 2012, she's been dedicating her life to empowering others to embrace their authentic selves and live up to their true potential.
Social media and contact information:
https://www.theroadforward.ca/
https://www.facebook.com/theroadforwardcoaching
https://www.instagram.com/theroadbeyondrecovery
https://twitter.com/beyondrecoverpc
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where pained injured, addicted people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged.
Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage itself, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole.
Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Tamar Medford. She has many roles in her life. Sister, cousin, stepmother, performance consultant, and more. We'll talk about how she struggled with addiction and how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents Tamar Medford is here with us today and we are so glad to have you.
Tamar Medford: [00:02:01] thank you so much for having me. It's an honor to be on the show.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:04] Yeah, it's super, super exciting. So you are a performance consultant, life coach, best-selling author champion of people in recovery. I'm sure there's more to that list.
Tamar Medford: [00:02:17] Okay. Yes. It continues to grow as I continue, because I've always been big into, personal development whether or not it went the right way is another thing. But yeah I love really helping people in recovery now. It's become my passion in life too. Embrace their authentic selves and live up to their true potential because I know from my own story that, when you've been through something and especially what I've been through, you kind of, it takes you a while to understand that, Hey, you know what, this is something, this is actually a gift.
And so I get so excited when I can work with people and they never thought that, that change was possible. So to really give them the belief until people can believe in themselves. That's what I say I'd like to do. I basically want to help you learn how to love your life again.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:05] That's awesome. And. It's fantastic. Sometimes I need that person to come along and be like, Hey, you're okay.
You get to, you got this, come on. Let's go.
Tamar Medford: [00:03:14] Exactly. Well, we're never in this journey alone. Right. And that's what I always try to tell people. It's like, if you're feeling something you're not the only one feeling that you just have to put it out there and see what comes back.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:25] Yeah, it's pretty amazing what comes back. So I want to hear though your journey about how sometimes those things come back to us and, cause you've got a pretty, pretty interesting struggle with over 20 years, addicted to drugs and alcohol and food.
Tamar Medford: [00:03:42] Yes, pretty much anything. One could be addicted to. I've done it.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:46] Okay, let's talk about, well, where did the struggle start for you? And then we'll just go from there.
Tamar Medford: [00:03:54] absolutely. So I had a really great childhood growing up and I always like to mention that because there seems to be this misconception that everybody who falls into addiction has been traumatized or abused. And although that's a reality. A lot of people do start that way. That wasn't my experience.
And when my dad decided to chase this dream of becoming a video producer, We moved around a lot. And so I started to get insecure. I never felt like I fit in. He was very, you know, if I did something, I would be really excited. He'd be like, you could do better. And so I also develop that perfectionism, and we're from Europe.
For me, Drinking was normal, right? It wasn't, my parents didn't shun. It, it wasn't, you can't drink. They'd allow us sips of their alcohol. But when I was a teenager, I remember going into high school and just being mortified. Right. Because I really felt like I never fit in because we had moved around so much.
I felt like I always had to make new friends. It always felt awkward. And you know, I had had sips of alcohol before, but never a full beverage. And I remember getting drunk for the first time. And I like to say. My world went from black and white to color because for the first time, as soon as I started to get that buzz, I felt like I was in control.
I felt like things were good. I was funny. At least that's how I thought I was. I mean, the fact is I would never really know that. Right. But I finally felt like I fit in. I had found my solution to everything and the unfortunate part for me is that. I wasn't afraid from that moment on to put anything into my body, because the reality is is that, humans, we can become addicted to anything that gives us pleasure.
And alcohol was really an escape for me, right. If I didn't want to feel anything or I didn't want to have to go through grief or trauma or anything, all I did was drink and it would go away and. In my mid twenties, I had a friend introduced me to harder drugs and, most people would be like, nah, no, that's okay.
But not me because I loved anything that gave me that feeling. And because I was a blackout drunk by that time in my life and very codependent in relationships, like I would jump from relationship to relationship. I became kind of accustomed to seeking that outside validation and needing that love from external sources.
I didn't love myself at all. And so that was kind of the natural progression in my addiction.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:21] So you started in junior high.
Tamar Medford: [00:06:23] yes, at the age of 14, when I was, when I got drunk for the first time,
Damaged Parents: [00:06:27] Okay. And in junior high, did, this continued to happen throughout junior high and then high school
Tamar Medford: [00:06:34] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:35] And did you go on to college or did you not take that path because alcohol was that important to you
Tamar Medford: [00:06:43] Well, it's funny because my college days, my dad was like, okay, you can either go to college or you're paying rent. And I thought, okay, well, if you're going to pay half my tuition, then I might as well go. And I think I ended up taking criminology and sociology and. We had a pub right across the street from where the college was.
And I would always have a friend come up break cause her classes end and she'd be like, Hey, we're going to head on over to the pub. And I would go to the pub. And before I knew it, I was put on academic probation. They're like, you can either finish your classes or get out. And so I thought, well, this is an inconvenience.
Like I like going to the pub at this time of the day. And so I actually dropped out of college, so when all my friends were getting a college education and then eventually getting married here, I was still. Not ready to stop, like, because that's how powerful alcohol was over me.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:34] Right. And then it was at this time in your twenties, this is I'm assuming in your twenties, when the school, gave you academic probation. And so was it from the friends at the pub that you were introduced to the heavier drugs or was it just something that, that happened
Tamar Medford: [00:07:53] No, that. It came through my employment. I went and worked a little stint at a golf course, actually. And I thought, well, this is the perfect job. Cause they said, do you want to be a waitress and a beer girl? And the beer girl? I thought, well, this is like my dream job. I get to drive around on a golf cart and bring.
Drinks to people. And because of the, I wouldn't say it was a nice golf course. I knew a lot of the regulars and stuff and we would sit there and I would drive up and go, Hey guys, you want something to drink? They're like, Oh, only if you do a drink with me. And so it would like, after my shift, I would be loaded.
And our, my boss would actually take us into the back because I'm pretty sure he had a problem as well, but he would be like, okay guys, I've got these five pitchers of beer. We have a company coming in for a tournament. We want to make sure we serve them. And we do a great job. And we literally slam back these five jugs of beer between four of us.
And we'd go to work. And so it just became a part of my life. It was almost like I sought out that environment, those people, right. It just became a normal way of living for me.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:00] Yeah. And it would seem normal in that situation too, because you've got all these people around you doing the same thing. So when were the heavier drugs, was it also at the golf course that they have your drugs popped in?
Tamar Medford: [00:09:14] it was, it was a friend of mine that I had met. We're actually still friends today. Both of us are clean and sober, but she, she said, Oh, I have to make a stop on the way home. And I had always kind of wanted to try cocaine, but I was like, I, I didn't know where to get it or anything. I mean, I had a pretty good upbringing, right.
So I like to think of myself as a more classy. I was a classy drunk, and so we went even though table dancing, maybe.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:40] Yeah. You caught me a lot of laughing at that because I can totally envision someone having that thought process because of how it's portrayed on TV. That there's, that there is a difference between a classy drunk and a non-class you drunk. And no one recognizes the similarity and the both are just drunk,
Tamar Medford: [00:10:00] yeah. Yes. And it's, you know, we can talk about it a little bit later when I get into, when I got sober, but it's probably one of the biggest reasons why I never felt like I fit into the sober world because I compared myself a lot. Right. But you know, when you're doing the hard drugs, I realized that. Oh, okay.
I can drink more without blacking out now. You know, I would start hanging out in biker clubs. I would, my friends would want to leave. I'd be like, no, you guys go, I'm going to get a ride home. And, you know, I'd have some biker in a biker gang drive me home in his truck, like just really dumb things.
And it just because I didn't care, right. Once I started, I couldn't stop and nobody could stop me. That was. I'd say where my first bottom was, but obviously it wasn't enough to completely change me, but yeah. I had gone on a seven day bender where I got no sleep. I actually, the job that I had at the time I was lifting kegs of beer onto a pallet.
And it was ironic that it was beer that caused this injury, but I slipped a disc in my back. And so I was put on heavy pain meds. I was using. And I was drinking still. And so I have three months where I didn't, I wasn't working because I was, obviously being compensated for having a slip back.
So I was going to physiotherapy. But at that point in my life, I was, drinking, using drugs pills. And so it all started right. And then I actually ended up losing my job after I had tried to go back because that had become my routine. Right. That's when the lies started and everything started to get progressively worse.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:36] Okay. I heard something that I don't think I've ever heard before. And that was. That you tried cocaine. And when you tried cocaine, you were able to drink more, which is what it sounds like. What you really wanted was to drink more than it was about the drugs. I had never heard that before. What was it that you were getting from the alcohol. I, I'm trying to figure out the question here, because it's a little confusing. Most people, I, well that see, I, that could be a bias or an implicit bias, right. I'm thinking most people just escalate and go up and up and up in the different types of medications and alcohol is what, like a gateway So I guess my question comes down to what. The alcohol was so important. So what was it about that alcohol that was different than the cocaine?
Tamar Medford: [00:12:25] so alcohol was always my first love. I love the way that it made me feel. But of course I would hit a tipping point where I would black out. And that is, I think were a lot of the, like the mental harm was done because I wouldn't remember what I did. And especially when I got married, my husband used to be irate and I'm like, I don't even know what I did last night.
And which is not a good thing. Apparently giving lap dances to your friends is not appropriate when you're in a marriage. When I was using harder drugs, it was the same thing. Right. And this was much earlier on in my addiction, but it was always seeking more like it would progress to the point where even I'm sleeping pills, sleep AIDS.
I can't take them today because I would buy a box and you can get them easy at the store. And at night I would take them just to enhance the feeling of the alcohol. Right. And so I think for, with doing cocaine, because it, sobered me up a little bit. It allowed me to continue the evening. So I guess it was just, it was another substance that I could continue to take.
Right. Because one is never enough, right. When you have that one, you want to continue on. And so I did whatever it took to feed my addiction.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:41] And do you think it was a lot of emotional pain that you were trying to get rid of? So I'm trying to figure this out too though, because it's, I heard you had a good childhood. I heard some insecurities from moving around a lot in, like you're saying, there's the stigma that you have to have had a super hard life or super traumatic things happen to get to where you got and get those things didn't happen.
So what was it about the emotion, I guess is my question.
Tamar Medford: [00:14:11] I think, it's, I can relate this to food today because of course we all have to eat, but you know, you hear it time and time again, where people will eat sugar, for example, and then they completely go. Off the rails. And it's very similar with drug and alcohol addiction. It's, they've done scientific studies now that there is a difference between people who suffer from the, who have that gene.
And it does run in my family, not with my immediate, like my parents. Don't but it does run in my family and. They've done studies that, the brain will actually light up like a Christmas tree when you're introduced, like you see a picture of alcohol and that progressively goes down over time because you just adjust to not drinking anymore.
I mean, you can compare it the same thing as being on a diet, right. When you deprive yourself. And then you have that sugar, that Sweden, it's just that feeling of, Oh, this feels so good. I want more. And you can't stop. It's the same thing. Right. But I think with alcohol, because I didn't love myself.
And I think that was the biggest thing. Right. I was always seeking that outside validation. I wanted other people to show me. They love me so that I felt love. Now. I know it's the complete opposite. I actually have to find love myself. But I was always numbing those feelings. Like if I thought, Oh, so-and-so is mad at me, I'm just going to drink because I'm going to forget about it and I don't have to deal with it.
And it's something actually that I really. I saw when I got sober was somebody had told me it's almost as though you're 14, because as soon as you started drinking and using, you stopped developing because you never learned how to deal with your emotions. Right? I cried my first year of sobriety, more than I've ever cried in my life.
And it was just to cover up all those icky feelings. Like I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to come across that I had a good life and I was. Always happy and I was always having fun, but it was the complete opposite. I was severely depressed and I think it was just to mask that. Okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:12] Yeah. And it's not like we go around in society saying I'm sad even. I really do believe that there's been a huge movement and depression and anxiety and even autism and, a bunch of some mental health things. And yet I think there's still this idea of walking around and saying, Oh, I'm struggling is still a little bit taboo.
What are your thoughts on that? And what do you think it would take to change that?
Tamar Medford: [00:16:37] I think more people sharing their story and that's why I've openly started talking that I'm in recovery and it's okay. I think, a lot of us carry that shame around by, from things that we've done in the past. Right. I've been in abusive relationships as well with.
Addicts and alcoholics. And I think we just carry that around and we feel like if we admit that, then that makes us weak, but it is actually a lot harder to say. I'm not okay today I need help. Right. But the more we do that as a society, the more we open it up and say, it's okay to not be okay, then I think more people will actually start to go, okay, well maybe I can talk about it because there's that relate-ability and I think that's one of the things that I'm very fortunate I have is that.
I have no problem to say I'm having a really bad day. I'm stuck in my head. I'm worried about everything. Cause I'm either focused on the past or I'm focused on the present. I'm not focused in the moment, but it admitting it to someone and them saying, yeah, you know what? I felt like that yesterday that you just start the dialogue, but I think it's going to come with us all being a little bit more vulnerable about our story.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:49] Kind of releasing it. It sounds like if you say it, it's almost like a weight can come off your shoulders. Especially, I think it sounds like when someone else says to me, Oh, I'm there too. Or I was there yesterday.
Tamar Medford: [00:18:02] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:02] So you had said something about your husband and blacking out and looking for validation.
I mean, what was it like being in a relationship, being married, being a blackout drunk and having that disappointment on the other side, while also looking for validation.
Tamar Medford: [00:18:21] It was awful. I remember after going through a very abusive relationship, I had met my now ex-husband and he's a wonderful man. Um also an alcoholic though. Unfortunately, I remember stopping using hard drugs cause he said we can't be together. If you're using. And so I thought, okay, so we moved away, relocated.
I thought that'll be better. But I got married and I did all those things. We got the condo, the car because that's what society says you should do to have a normal life. And I thought, if I do all this stuff, then I'm going to be better. Right. And unfortunately, I still didn't love myself we struggled in our marriage because we were.
Two totally different people. The only thing we had in common was our alcoholism. We actually worked together for a long period of time, which I don't always recommend. And but when we went home and we had a couple drinks, it was great because we were like the best of friends and everything was good.
But my depression was like full force. And I had mentioned I had an addiction to food as well. I was a chronic yo-yo dieter like I did, I like to call it. Weight Watchers for alcoholics because I would, I lost 35 pounds and I was able to have anywhere from eight to 18 beers every single day, that's how manipulative I was.
But. In my marriage, I think because now I was seeking love from him. And if I felt rejected in any way, I would go and flirt that's why I acted out a lot when I was drunk and that's why he'd get, you know, and it was a fairly harmless for the most part, but I was just doing what I thought society wanted me to do.
And I honestly thought that I'd be able to. Addiction like alcohol was not my problem still at this point, but it really was. And I remember being medicated for my depression at that point. I even, we had gotten severely into debt because of our addiction. Like we would have, maybe a box of noodles and craft dinner in the pantry.
And we would go, okay, well we're almost out of vodka. So we only have, $40 left on our visa. Let's buy the bottle of vodka and we can just suffer for the week. Like that's how it started to get. And I didn't want to live like that anymore. So I was incredibly suicidal and I remember showing up at work one day and I just went into the back and I said, listen, I can't do this anymore.
I said, I'm just going to kill myself and you can get. The insurance policy, obviously that's not the way it works, but I was so done with living that. I just told them, this is my out, this is what I'm going to do. And this, we were married, I think for six years before I finally really hit my bottom. And I sat there with a bottle of pills in my hand with my little pug, I had a dog named Rudy.
And I just, I couldn't do it anymore. Like I was consistently hurting the people I loved. I was acting out. I would wake up in the morning and he was irate at me, you know, because I had maybe gotten sick in the car or because I was blackout drinking. Cause I wasn't using the harder drugs now. Towards the end of our marriage.
I did start using again. I went out one night and a friend of mine is like, Hey, do you want to do some cocaine? And of course I was drunk and I can't say no after I've had that. And so I kind of knew that's where everything was taken ahead and I didn't want to be alive anymore. Like my, we, he was a great guy, but I was really just seeking that love.
And I never got that because you're never going to get that when you're seeking it from an outside source.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:52] So you've really believed that you needed someone to, I guess, fix you in some way or become your puzzle piece.
And. And that just wasn't going to happen.
Tamar Medford: [00:22:06] no.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:07] at this point you're suicidal do you start realizing, Oh, this is the alcohol, because I also heard you say earlier, I didn't think it was alcohol at this point.
Tamar Medford: [00:22:16] I didn't and still at this point. So at the end, when I hit my bottom and I always tell people like a good friend of mine said I said, I'm not like these people, I'm not an alcoholic. And because I was never homeless, I was never, you know, I didn't hit that kind of a bottom. She goes, your bottom is when you stop digging.
Right when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, that is your bottom. And it's different for everybody, but I was 215 pounds. So I was very overweight at the time. Cause when you're drinking 5,000 calories of alcohol, every single weekend, that's probably going to happen. And of course food was always in there.
So we'd have like a wonderful steak dinner and then we'd order pizza at night because that's a really good idea, but I thought I'm going to lose weight. Right. If I lose 75 pounds and I feel good about myself, that is going to fix me. And so in January of 2012, I hired a personal trainer and I made the new year's resolution that I'm going to lose 75 pounds.
And the interesting thing is the trainer that I had hired was in recovery, but I didn't know that at that point in my journey yet. And so I remember her asking me, you know, what's your number one goal? And I said, I want to get into a bikini. So I can go to a Las Vegas pool party and feel comfortable in my own skin.
She's like, why Las Vegas? And I said, cause it's super fun. And I still had that, that was life. Right? Like you did host parties every single weekend. It was just the norm for me. And she's like, okay. And she laughed a little bit. And so I went full on into a health addiction. So it was June and I finally got sober, but I would have chicken, broccoli and rice every single day, I would have one cheat meal per week because I wanted that gold star.
Right. I wanted that outside validation that I was important. And clearly I had a lot of work to do in that area, but. I went full on into another part of my addiction and I actually did curb the alcohol. I would drink a half a bottle of NyQuil. So I'd have three drinks. That was my limit because I wanted to be a good student.
I would drink half a bottle of NyQuil. So I would pass out. And then of course, the next Monday, when I had to report to my trainer, I'm like, I only had nine beers this weekend and I wanted to shout that from the rooftop. And that's typically when people ask me, like, how do you know you have a problem?
It's like, you're either thinking about it all the time, or you're tying to justify, like, you're, you're trying to convince people that you don't have a problem. Right. So she kind of knew, but. I honestly thought, like, if I could just fix how I looked on the outside, that it would naturally heal all the turmoil I was dealing with on the inside.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:51] And it just didn't.
Tamar Medford: [00:24:52] No, not at all.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:54] So you lost the weight. Did you get to Vegas?
Tamar Medford: [00:24:58] No, I didn't.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:59] I had to ask.
Tamar Medford: [00:25:00] I did not get to Vegas. I actually in June of 2012, I remember going bungee jumping with my trainer because we had become friends at that point. And the weekend after I was going away with my husband now. From, February when I started training to June, I had been working out at the gym every single day.
I had done boot camps on the weekends. So I had basically filled my time up with fitness and the weekend after we were actually going away on a four day weekend together. And so when my trainer and I went up to go bungee jumping. She had asked me, like, what are your plans for next week? And I said, Oh, I'm just going to bring one bottle of wine and I'm going to drink.
That's going to be my thing for the whole weekend. And we're going to go mountain biking. And I had all these really good intentions. She's like, that's great. And she brought up the fact that she's in recovery. And I said, Oh, I don't need that. Like, look at me, I've been drinking nine beers every weekend since like February.
I'm awesome. Right. And she said, well, You know what I'm always here. If you need the help and she just planted the bug. And so sure enough, I went away the next weekend, super proud that I was going to drink this one bottle of wine all weekend long. The first day I had a bottle of wine, my husband's box of wine, a case of beer and a $200 bar tab.
And that was the first night and the weekend progressed like this. And I just remember. The day that we were coming home, I texted my friend and I just said, I need your help. Like I can't, I did not realize it would progress the way it has. And I think that's the tricky thing with cross addictions, as many people have them, but they go from one addiction to another.
I have actually seen people go from a food addiction. Two and have surgery and actually go to alcoholism. And it was a, from that moment on, I knew that I needed help.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:56] I really love that. Your friend didn't tell you, you had a problem. She came to you and told you what was going on with her and then you took that in yourself and were like, well, no, I don't have a problem. And then you go on this weekend and recognize it. I think that's really important because I'm not certain you would have heard her.
She would have come at you with you having a huge problem.
Tamar Medford: [00:27:22] no. And a lot of people had tried to do that in my life. My best friend, who's still my best friend today. She had a few times said, why do you do this to yourself? Like I'd, be okay. Getting sick and we'd have get togethers and stuff. And I would always take it one step too far. And I'm like, I promise, I'm going to stop tomorrow.
This isn't going to happen anymore, but that was the norm. Right. And the next day I felt like crap. And so the only way to get rid of that feeling was to drink again. And I think that. A lot of people don't realize when they have family members that are suffering from addiction. they, I know they do interventions and stuff like that, but had somebody cornered me and tried to do an intervention, like I wouldn't have listened.
I had to reach a point in my life or I was tired of living the way I was. Right. It's just like with personal development, any change that we make in our lives, like we have the choice to do it. We can either. Invest in ourselves and take the steps we need to improve or not. And nobody could have told me otherwise they had tried many, many times before it just planting that bug right.
Where you're thinking, okay, maybe I do need a little bit of help.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:30] Yeah. And you never know when that bug is going to bite. Right? and yet all she did, she just loved you anyway.
Tamar Medford: [00:28:37] Yep.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:37] There was no judgment. No, you can't go on this trip. No, you know any of that so you started realizing it and you reached out to her what happened next?
Tamar Medford: [00:28:48] so I decided to go to a meeting. I joined a 12 step program because I knew that I couldn't do this by myself. And, I remember the first time I'm listening to people. And of course I was very judgmental and very egotistical at the time. And I'm just, like I said, right. I don't relate to these people.
Like I was never in jail. I was never homeless. I mean, I lived out of a tent for about a week with my ex when we were in between, having a place to live, but, I couldn't relate, but I was also so shut off that I didn't want to relate. I didn't want to admit that I had a problem and it wasn't until the second time I went, because, I was encouraged to keep going back, keep finding people who have what you want, try and find the similarities.
And so I did that the next week. I was like, okay, I'm going to just listen to what people have to say. And I'm going to try and find what we have in common. And as I started to become more open-minded I was like, Oh, the one thing that we had in common is when we start ingesting something into our system, we can't stop.
And then that's where everything starts to go terribly wrong in every single story, every person who shared said the same thing. And that's when the light bulb went on and I'm like, Oh, maybe I do have a problem. Like you know, I'm apparently was the classy drunk, I'm not so classy and I'm not so unique and special because I'm exactly like all these people here.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:12] What was that like to come to that realization? Because. I think in that, from that perception of I'm a classy, drunk realize that you're like all everyone else you're similar to everyone.
Tamar Medford: [00:30:24] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:24] what was that like? And how did that feel for you?
Tamar Medford: [00:30:27] It was very humbling. It was one of those things where it was like, Oh, and I had been humbled a lot in my early sobriety. There was a lot of things that I thought I was a really humble person. I was not. Because usually when you're humble, you don't have to say that you're a humble person. You just are humble.
But it was when I actually said, and I don't define myself as an alcoholic today because I think that. That has helped me become who I am today, but it's not who I am. Do you know what I mean? It's just, it's been part of my journey that has allowed me the experience to help others that also suffer from the same thinking and addictive traits that I do.
But, it was a lot of work in the beginning. Like I had to, I had to, one of the first things I did was write out my life story. And when I read that to somebody, I just was like, wow. This is terrible. Like I could start to pick out behaviors and patterns and triggers and all that kind of stuff.
And that was first, when it was like, I can't drink again. Right. And I actually, that the first time I kind of went and freaking out because I'm an all-in sort of person. I still am today, but I was like, I'm never going to drink forever. And everybody's like, how about you just don't drink today?
Like, let's just let's how about an hour? Right? Like if you can do it an hour, you get, that's a wind kind of thing, but you know, I had to do that. And that was the purpose of the story is because to read it out loud to someone and go, wow, This is crazy. Like this is really terrible. And then I had to learn how to have faith in something other than myself, because I always say I'm the general manager of my universe and I controlled everything.
So to let go of that control and just have faith that my needs will always be met because I had this fear of failure right. Of financial insecurity, because I had gone through it so many times in my active addiction. And I actually went bankrupt after I got sober. And then just writing everything that I did.
Like I had to go back to those people that I had harmed and I talked to them about it and I let them, basically lay into me and it was a very healing process, so that process of the self analysis, I think that is probably what helped me build that foundation in early recovery. And then, it took a while for the shame to go away though, because I always thought that my past would follow me around in a negative way.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:48] Yeah. Now I've been dying to ask this question. What do you, because it sounds like you did the old 12 steps and you went through the entire process. How much did that help you with your emotional intelligence?
Tamar Medford: [00:33:02] tremendously. I have actually, I think. I would recommend anybody do the 12 steps. I know it's becoming a more common thing, but I remember I had some key friends that had stuck by me, that had watched me go through my addiction and followed me into recovery and really supported me. All of them were like, wow, like there's just this change because you start to own.
Your reality, you own what you've done and you realize that you have the choice to change it. Right? And I think, when you think about things like resentment or, you know, a lot of times when our life goes sideways, it's because our expectations aren't being met, right. We expect others to do certain things or be a certain way, or we expect a certain outcome.
And when that doesn't happen, it creates stress and trauma in our lives. And depending on how we deal with that, the 12 steps. Taught me in any of those kinds of situations when I start to feel resentful or I start to have those expectations, what is my part in it? Right. How did I get the ball rolling?
And it actually makes it easier to navigate through life now because when something happens, it's like, okay, how did I get this started? Because I, you do have a part in everything you do, right. That was a big reality.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:14] Can you give us an example that the audience might be able to relate to.
Tamar Medford: [00:34:18] absolutely. So the biggest one and my dad and I, we have an amazing relationship today, but he gave me heart like tough love. Right. He didn't know the extent until he actually read my first book and he was a bit horrified, but because I was very good at hiding things, but I remember, you know, when I was younger, he'd come over and he'd tell me how irresponsible I was and how reckless I was.
And. I would sit there with my roommates and they would be like, wow, your dad's like a jerk. Like, I can't believe he's telling you these things. I'm like, I know. And it would perpetuate, right. Because I'd be angry. And when I had gone through kind of the things that were still would trigger emotions or resentments in me, he was definitely at the top of the list.
And when it came to, I had to discover, okay, so I'm resentful for my dad because he puts me down. He tells me how irresponsible and all this kind of stuff. And that felt really good to get out because when I was told, make a list of people you resent that was easy, right? I'm like, I can do this because so many people have harmed me and.
When I started to look though at what it affected in my life, like, my security, my friendships, because it would start like the gossiping between friends and I try and make him to be the bad guy. But then when it was like, what's your part in this? And I remember being really puzzled about that because I'm like, what do you mean?
What's my part. Like, he's just a jerk, that's it. And a story. And they're like, look at all the things you're resentful for. Right? Like, were you irresponsible? And I'm like, Yes. You know where you reckless? Yes. And I started to look at all those things, so then I could actually understand why he treated me like that because after I went to him and I apologized, I had made an amends to him.
He said, wow, you're making an amends. And I said, yeah. And that opened the door to the conversation where he said, do you know why I treated you like that? Because I didn't know what else to do. Right. Treating you nice. Wasn't working. And so he had actually investigated, like, what do I do with my daughter?
How do I treat her? And everybody's like, tough love because eventually she's going to hit her bottom and she's going to want to change. But she needs to find that. And I practice it with my spouse today. Right. Because I think they kind of get the people you love the most get kind of the brunt of everything.
And usually it's because he's not meeting my expectations. It's like, why am I having those expectations? Right. Am I seeking love again? Am I not doing things that fill my cup up? And so it teaches you how to have a different perspective on a situation.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:46] when accepting your part in it, And changes the whole picture. It seems like from the perception of, of what happens. And, and so it sounds like you used to always go to friends who would validate you and not challenge you and be like, well, hold on. What you know, or ask you questions or be curious, how has that changed since you've gotten sober and done the steps and all these other things, and you're now a coach and all of that great stuff.
Tamar Medford: [00:37:13] Oh, it's completely changed. In early sobriety, I picked people that hurt my feelings, for good reasons, because they'd call me out on what I was doing because I would, I was so used to justifying why I did something. And all the excuses. Right. And then they'd questioned me and I'd go to ho home, really angry, and I'd be stewing overnight and I'd wake up in the morning and go, Oh, now I get it.
Right. So it's really like sarcasm. I used to be incredibly sarcastic and I never realized that that could hurt people until somebody pointed it out. And I was like, wait a minute. Like, I like to be funny. I like to make people laugh, but. Do I do it at the expense of someone else or do I do it just on my own kind of thing?
So I think that finding people who had what I wanted in life, because I felt like I was meant for more. I always had, like, there was just something on settling about settling, right. And I really thought that what you should be happy, you have a good job and you're getting your life back together.
My husband, my marriage ended right after I got sober, but. I went through this period of complacency, right. Where I was like, I felt this burning desire to do more. And it was surrounding myself with the right people who were already doing that and learning what they did that really kind of took me to the next level.
And that's actually what inspired me to become a coach in the first place. Yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:38:32] And what is your favorite thing about coaching?
Tamar Medford: [00:38:36] I love seeing the light bulb go on in someone's eyes when they realize that they're capable of change, because a lot of people will start off saying, well, I've never been able to do this. I can't do this. And when you start to work with them, right. And it's, I think it's all a matter of changing the way you think, because oftentimes.
People will always think about the past. Right? We, we spend, I think it's 40 to 60,000 thoughts that we have a day, 90% of those are past focus. And when I questioned people on that, I'm like, what are you thinking about today? Or you're thinking about yesterday and they're like, I am right. And it's like, you gotta, you gotta work on changing the way you think.
And I think that's such a cool thing is when you start working with people and they start to believe in themselves, Right. And they start to take these little actions every day. That might seem so minor to them. But when you turn around after a few months and you just their faces where they're like, I can do this too.
I got that in early sobriety too. When I started working with people who wanted to get sober, you can't help anybody. But when you do manage to get someone that really wants it and they do what you tell them to, and it's nothing that I made up. Then you kind of get the rewards and it actually helps you more than it helps
Damaged Parents: [00:39:53] That they're doing their steps on their terms and you just are getting to guide or teach and all of that.
Tamar Medford: [00:40:01] Yeah. And it helps me more because it fills my cup right. When I can help somebody else. And I see the growth in them, it gets me out of my head. And I'm not thinking about my problems anymore. And that's, I always tell people if you're struggling, reach out for help, because what if the person you called that day is having an issue or they're sad or they're lonely and you decide to, Hey, you know what?
This is what I'm dealing with. I'm really upset. I don't know how to handle it. All of a sudden, you go into this different mode of helping and now you're not thinking about your problem anymore. You're thinking, how can I be a service to them? So it actually helps. I feel like coaching helps me more than it does my clients sometimes in a good way.
Right. Just to see that growth.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:48] Right. And seeing that growth that inspires you to keep going and stay out of your head.
Tamar Medford: [00:40:54] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:55] that's kind of interesting actually, because I, I think we're here on this planet for relationships and I can, it's really easy. I think I heard it from Esther corral to know. How I relate to when I lend it's much harder to know how I relate to Sam, Joe, Tom, Nicole, all these other people, because everyone's so different. So it's almost like by having those relationships, we get to learn who we are,
Tamar Medford: [00:41:24] Absolutely.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:25] See there, it goes, it was an aha,
Tamar Medford: [00:41:27] That's deep.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:28] but that was like, Oh, you know how many times I've thought about that? Whatever I podcast, she had said that on. I mean, today it just hit on another level. And I think that's interesting too, how we can learn and relearn and sometimes get. To deeper levels on the same subject. I'm thinking you also see that in your work.
Tamar Medford: [00:41:48] yes. And I actually just left my corporate job a month ago to do the coaching thing full time. And every time I'm the kind of coach that. I'm not going to tell you that everything is like glorious and warm and fuzzy, because that's not life now. Do I wake up every morning? I still get up at, at four, four 30.
I don't know why my body just won't adjust backwards the other way, but yeah. Because I honestly love what I'm doing. Right. I've found my purpose in life. I feel like I was put on this earth to share my story and hopefully inspire other people to realize that change is possible as well, because if I can do it, anybody can do it.
And I think that as a coach becoming more vulnerable with my own story and just saying, I know what you're going through. I go through the same things. Like I'm on this journey with you. I don't have the perfect life. Am I happy and fulfilled? Absolutely. Like I can't. My worst day in sobriety is better than my best day in addiction, and I can honestly say that, but because I've taught myself to see the light in dark situations, right. When the depression and anxiety come back because they do, it's not something that goes away. I always see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that for the next couple of days, I'm probably not going to be feeling good.
So what am I going to do? I'm forcing myself to get outside. I'm going to call a friend. I'm going to admit that I'm not okay. I'm going to work with somebody else. Right. And be open and honest. And I think it just allows them to go cool. Like she's human, she's not this super human person who has this amazing life.
Like I do have an amazing life, but not every day feels good. And it's okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:30] Yeah. Being a human is hard. It really just is hard.
Tamar Medford: [00:43:35] it is.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:36] I love that perspective. It's, it's, it's a bit of where the podcast came from actually is that we are all similar and we all struggle. And so I love that, that you're able to relate to that on such a deep level. And Yeah. So one of the other things you had, you developed a growth mindset and discovered your purpose, which is coaching.
So did those things happen simultaneously or one before the other? How did that happen for you?
Tamar Medford: [00:44:05] well, in 2019, I had mentioned that I had gotten complacent in my recovery because after that first year, yeah. I lost 75 pounds. I was sober for about seven months and I'm like, I graduated, like I've, I've done everything. They told me I'm doing well. And so I just started to settle into my day to do routine, right.
I started getting the anxiety about Sunday night when I'd have to go to my day job, even though it was a great job. I knew it was what I didn't want to do. And so I remember going over to my friend's place and she's like, do you listen to podcasts? And this is 2019. So this is not long ago. And I said, no, I've never even like, I've heard the name, but I don't know what a podcast is.
And she said, well, it's basically like a mini education. Like you just find the topics you like. And I'm like, okay, cool. So I started doing some research and I found a podcaster who did weight loss. Right. Because I had started gaining the weight back as well. I never managed to keep that off. And so I joined one of his communities.
I started meeting all these people online. So that was kinda my first experience of starting to meet people. Not within my immediate circle. And I started to meet people that had what I wanted in that area too. And I thought, Hey, it's kind of similar to my support group, with recovery.
Now I can build this in other places. And so I actually went to a event down in, uh, in Los Angeles and I got to meet him there. And my, I was just so excited cause it was like, I was star struck almost right. Even though us podcasters were amazing people and super friendly. And I love this space, but I remember we went out for dinner with a bunch of the keynote speakers cause he had invited us along.
And one of them had said, what's your story. I noticed you're not having any wine. And I said, no, I'm a retired professional. And people always laugh at that. Right. I don't get into my, my story. Usually at first and then she goes, you have a voice. You have a story, you need to share that.
And I said, well, I've always thought about starting a podcast. So she goes, I encourage you to do it. And she goes, most people aren't consistent with it. So I went home. That's kinda what started it. And I thought, while I was traveling for business, I'm going to niche it to the road to health because now I can travel and use all these strategies and that's kind of where it started.
And then of course COVID hit and I was home-bound. And I wrote my first book and that was very therapeutic because I had to relive a lot that I hadn't, hadn't shared for a very long time. And at that point I was like, okay, you know what? This could be something like actually being vulnerable and open and honest.
So I started talking about it on my show and that's when I switched to the road beyond recovery, because I started to realize there's so much more than just recovery. Like I'm not a type personality where I would do anything it took to get loaded. So if I took that same energy and harnessed it into something good, imagine the change right.
And that's what I wanted other people to experience as well. And so I decided I'm going to become a life coach. Then I became a performance consultant because I could work with businesses as well. And it just progressed from there. I ended up writing my second book because I was so fired up about my purpose and what I was doing, that it was exciting to get up every day.
I go to bed very early. But I loved waking up in the morning because I knew I was doing something that just wasn't self-centered right. It wasn't selfish. I was thinking, how could I, how can I be of service to others? And that really got me fired up. And it's just kind of been this ongoing journey ever since.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:39] I love that. That's awesome. So tomorrow three things. That you want the audience to be able to walk away with whether they're struggling in the midst of it right now, or their support person, just three things they could do today.
Tamar Medford: [00:47:54] number one, realize you're not alone. I think a lot of us don't seek help because we're really fearful that if we admit that we're not doing well, that somebody is going to judge us or we'll be shamed. But I think just to get that, That thought that, Hey, you know what, I'm not unique in this.
And not that that's a bad thing, but when you do reach out to help to ask for help and somebody on the other end goes, I know I've been through that too. There's just something really freeing. So I'd say that's the first step. If you're really struggling right now. Ask for help, right? Because you're not alone in this journey and find people who have what you want.
I would say that's the second step is that we all have a choice to change our lives. Right? We can either choose to stay in our comfort zone, which I did for many, many, many years, or we can make a choice to invest in our personal development. And a lot of times we use the excuse that we're not ready.
Right. It's like, that's not the right time. I'm going to start on Monday. Find people who have what you want and ask them how they did it and start to take those action steps into getting it yourself. And I think by. Hanging out with those people. It kind of naturally brings you into the third step where you actually start to take action.
Right? Like for me, I just left my day job and I'm like, okay. Now my goal is to continue to do the activities every day, which is keep up my spiritual condition. Cause I got to admit this morning, I woke up and I was not very spiritually cause I got a terrible fuck off this morning, but it happens.
So what did I do? I went out for a walk. I meditated, right? Those are things. That I've developed in my routine as a result of learning what works for me. And I'm not afraid to take that action because every day I do one thing that brings me closer to my, my ultimate not end goal, because I don't like focusing on the end goal.
I like focusing on the journey, but it's like, what can I do today? Right. What action step, what education can I give myself? To get to where I want to go in life. And I just focus every single day on those one. One thing that I can do
Damaged Parents: [00:50:06] So just one small thing each
Tamar Medford: [00:50:08] small thing. Yep.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:09] It doesn't have to be a big thing.
Tamar Medford: [00:50:11] No,
Damaged Parents: [00:50:12] I'd love that. Thank you, Tamara. Medford. I'm so glad we had you on the show.
Tamar Medford: [00:50:16] thank you so much for having me. It was, it was so great chatting with you.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:20] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Tamar Medford about how she struggled with addiction for over 20 years.
We especially liked when she explained how important shifting her mindset was and how she loves helping others. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
