Episode 51: Lighting the Shadows

Kristen Laursen

Kristen Laursen is a mom of two, a lover and explorer of the great outdoors, a dental hygienist, and an aspiring musician. She hosts the mental health podcast, Lighting the Shadows, where the focus is on providing a variety of tools and direction towards hope, peace, and healing.

Social media and contact information:

Www.lightingtheshadows.org
https://m.facebook.com/lightingtheshadowspodcast/
Instagram: @lighting.the.shadows

Podcast Transcript:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where alone forgotten sad people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough.

We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage itself. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.

There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me.

Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Kristin Larsen. She has many roles in her life, mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, and more.  We'll talk about how she lost her sister to suicide and experienced psychosis during pregnancy and how she found health and healing let's talk

 Welcome Kristen to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We're so glad to have you here today.

Kristen Laursen: [00:02:02] Thank you. I'm so excited to be here today.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:05] Yeah, we were just talking too about what a beautiful spring day it is that we're getting to have this conversation in. You were talking about the fires that had come through in the area you're at and seeing the change. Do you want to maybe give us a, your perspective of that conversation?

Kristen Laursen: [00:02:23] Yeah, I mean, it's, been a crazy year for everybody, for the most part, with the pandemic and everything and, and it was pretty insane after the pandemic. So in September fire swept through my hometown, well, not my hometown, but where I'm currently living and then the surrounding areas and just wiped out.

Many homes especially the trailer homes and it's pretty devastating, but driving through right now, I've just been looking forward to spring because it still looks like a war zone here, but you can see the little blossoms coming through in the green, the little, little bits of green here and there.

And that's hopeful. It's really hopeful. A lot of people here are traumatized from the fires and you know, I've lost everything. And I, I have a bit of that. Survivor's guilt because my neighborhood's like an Island. Like we were all, everyone in my neighborhood, we didn't lose our homes, but the fire went all around our neighborhood.

So I know that there's some, you know, I especially. I'm concerned about the elderly population, where they've lived in their house, maybe their whole whole lives or most of their lives. And they have all of this stuff that really has a lot of value and meaning to them, and they've lost it through the fires.

And that just is heartbreaking. But yeah, the spring that glimpse is a spring. Bring a lot of hope for sure.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:52] Yeah. And they're little tiny glimpses

Kristen Laursen: [00:03:55] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was just driving on my way to drop my daughter off to school. I drive past. Just this whole neighborhood that's been completely wiped out. And so there's still just like metal and rubble and just, it's just crazy. They haven't cleaned it up quite yet. They're working on it, but I was noticing these beautiful daffodils just right through the destruction.

It was like, you know, metal and dark. And then like this bright little yellow flower popping up through it. And yeah, it, it does bring some hope for change. And that's what I love about spring. It's hope for change. The winter doesn't last forever and spring spring, as a reminder of that, that the hard times they don't last forever.

Damaged Parents: [00:04:41] Which is what a great metaphor for what we're going to talk about today,

Kristen Laursen: [00:04:46] Yeah,

Damaged Parents: [00:04:46] you're here to talk about struggle and you, I just heard you say it doesn't last forever. And so let's talk about if you could just start your story where it starts for you, and we're going to talk through the journey and I'll ask you some questions along the way.

Kristen Laursen: [00:05:02] Okay. And I'm learning that, that is like opening up a can of worms because my story has so many layers, so I will try and condense it. So it doesn't take forever. So I don't bore you with my big long life story, but there are layers to it. I grew up in a very wonderful family, two parents who loved each other.

It was very, very blessed. There are four kids in my family force, so I have three siblings and we're all just best friends. So that's my older brother and then me, we're 18 months apart. And then my little sister is three and a half years younger than me and then my little brother. And we were just, yeah, just best friends.

And I was a pretty shy kid, but. My two, the two people that I looked up to the most and that I could completely be myself around where my mom and my little sister. And so when I was going through a really hard time in school, I would go home and I would talk to my mom about it. And I talked to my little sister and I always felt heard and understood and loved.

But other than that, I had a hard time being able to like open up to other people. And like I said, I was a pretty reserved kid, but had a very beautiful, wonderful childhood. Really. I feel really blessed for the childhood that I was able to have. I know that that's not a lot, it's not always the story for people.

But one thing that I did struggle with in my family and in my community is perfectionism. And, you know, I'm a Christian and I feel like I just. Had these messages, maybe I don't think they were intentional.  But in church and community and my family, these really high expectations and this message that I had to be perfect to be worthwhile and to be loved.

And of course, no one ever told me that,

Damaged Parents: [00:06:51] But what is perfect mean? So what does perfect mean to you when you're thinking back? What did it mean to you back then?

Kristen Laursen: [00:06:59] yeah, so I had to have good grades. That meant I was a good student side. I was a 4.0 student all through high school, through college, even I think I got one a minus and I just beat myself up to a Pope over that one, a minus. And then I'm a violinist. I was first chair in orchestra and. I remember just when I had solos, I'd get so nervous.

And I felt like if I made one little mistake, I'd be letting everybody down. You know, my whole, the orchestra would all be let down and like,  I'd let down my parents cause I didn't play perfectly. And I just, I really held myself up to these high expectations.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:42] Okay. I have a question about that, about the violin. So you're playing the violin and you love the violin.

Kristen Laursen: [00:07:50] yes,

Damaged Parents: [00:07:51] Okay, so you love the violin and you have this idea of perfection and it sounds like the perfection may be not wasn't for you. It was well, maybe it was for you, but also you would be letting down mom and dad and the audience.

If, if there was not a perfect rendition of what the composer had planned on.

Kristen Laursen: [00:08:17] Yeah. And then everyone in my orchestra too, because we would kind of, they'd be playing along and then I'd have the solo part. And I, I worried about letting everyone else down that was in orchestra with me too. So it was just this, I felt this pressure coming from people that probably wasn't really there, but it was real in my mind.

I just felt like I needed to be perfect in all these areas of my life. And then in a church I held myself up and I was held up to very high expectations. So, you know, I was taught to you. Don't swear. You don't drink you don't, I, you gotta dress a certain way. You need to, you know, and all these things that really, I.

I believe can help you live a good healthy life, but when it comes from a place of, if I do mess up, because we're human, we all mess up. So when I do mess up, then I am not worth love anymore. You know? And so that's, that's a message that I, I soaked in as a child, that again was unintentional, but it was the overarching message that was difficult for me is like, what do I do when I do mess up?

What does that mean about who I am?

Damaged Parents: [00:09:32] Right. And the, I mean, I think scripturally, right? There are stories of people messing up and being loved and things like that. And that wasn't what you were pulling from the message though. What you were pulling from the message was, if I'm not perfect, then I'm not loved. It's not that if I'm not perfect, it's okay.

Somebody is going to come along and love me anyway, and lift me up.

Kristen Laursen: [00:09:56] Yeah, exactly. And again, it, it wasn't really that it wasn't taught. I was taught about the atonement of Jesus Christ, like my whole life and that it was good to repent and repentance meant change. But for some reason I felt like that was really bad. Like if I ever had to repent, that was a really bad reflection on who I was.

And I don't know why, but I had that.  Like underarching overarching message, like in my mind, growing up, I had that struggle and it was even, you know, through college, through married life, like for really til pretty recently that I've started to realize that that is very unhealthy and not, not real, not true.

It was very real, but not true. And not helpful for me. And also not the way that God would have me live my life. So yeah, it, that's kind of my, my main struggle where I think a lot of my challenges have stemmed from is this idea of perfectionism. And then also I'm a very sensitive person and I love to people, please.

I love to help others. I love to help people feel happy when they're feeling sad. I love to listen and I love to empathize. And I, I love doing that. But the problem is with that  I feel like it's a bit of a double edge sword for me. It's like sometimes your greatest strengths can also be your greatest weaknesses.

And this, from, uh, when I was a little kid and my brother was such a tease and he would like do something to make me so mad. He chased me around the house and smear spiders all over my shirt and put things under my, my shirt. And he was just such a stinker. But I would be sobbing and say, it's okay, Ryan, I forgive you.

I forgive you. It's okay. And that was just who I was as a little kid. I was always the first to forgive. I was always the first to make peace.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:59] I really want to ask about that forgiveness and what you thought it meant when you were little, I think there's this idea that forgiveness means the slate is wiped clean, and I want to understand what your thought process was.

Kristen Laursen: [00:12:12] yeah, well, when I was younger and even older to forgiveness just meant saying that whatever somebody did to me was okay, and that I could let it go. And it's been a huge process for me to realize that forgiveness is a process and it's okay. It's actually important to say, Hey, that actually wasn't okay for me.

You know, the fact that you did this and this really hurt, and it's been very empowering to learn that that is a process of forgiveness because since I was little and in Christianity learning, you know, you forgive you forgive and forget, and I've learned actually, no, you remember with grace you remember how things make you feel, you own up to those feelings.

You acknowledge them, you let them be present and you give them a voice. And then you say, okay, this isn't okay. And we've acknowledged that it's not okay that you've done this and this hurt me, but I'm going to love you and I'm going to learn from it. And so learning that forgiveness for me now actually means that has been very healing because yeah, the forgiveness side of, Oh, what you did is okay.

I'm okay. You know, I'll make you better. Like, that was very unhealthy for me.

Damaged Parents: [00:13:31] You you forgave and then you also decided you would make the other person better.

Kristen Laursen: [00:13:37] Yes cause that's my people pleasing part of me as a little kid and like all throughout my life, it was, I have, the responsibility to make you feel better, you know, not only am I supposed to be okay with what you're doing, but I have the responsibility to make you feel better about it. And so, in arguments with friendships with family members, it's like, if someone got mad at me and really, I didn't feel like I did anything wrong, I would say I would be the one to say, I'm sorry.

And then I'd be the one to make amends and I, you don't do everything that I could to repair the relationship and feel like it was all on my shoulders to do that,

Damaged Parents: [00:14:18] That's a lot of pressure.

Kristen Laursen: [00:14:20] It is, it is. But in doing so, I felt like I was really being a Christian, like that's what God would have me do. And so it, it was obviously not effective and not helpful.

And it was a lot of pressure, especially for a young child. And then moving forward in my story my little sister struggled with mental illness and she was really quiet about her struggle. I didn't know that she was going to therapy at a young age, had no idea. A lot of those things were kind of kept.

I don't think people really knew how to handle those kinds of things. When I was younger and I feel like people are just starting to really know that it's okay to talk about it. It's okay to have it be a part of your story, but there was still a lot of shame and stigma around, you know, mental illness.

And so my parents felt like it was the best thing that they could do to protect her, to keep it quiet. And so really I had no idea that she was struggling with mental illness at

Damaged Parents: [00:15:20] So she was really young,

Kristen Laursen: [00:15:22] Yeah. She started going to therapy. Yeah. She was a child. And I had no idea about any of it. And we were so close that I'm surprised.

She never told me anything.  But it wasn't until I was in maybe late high school. And especially in college that she started to tell me more about her story, more about  her struggle with. Eating disorders and shame and mental challenges and emotional challenges. And it broke my heart because at that point in my life, I felt pretty happy.

I felt like I did have some underlying anxiety because of the things we've already talked about, but I was ignorant to it. Like I had no idea what I was doing, you know, I just kind of doing it all subconsciously and I wasn't aware and I, I felt pretty happy. And so I, I didn't really relate to her mental struggles, but my, to empathize with her and like the person she was and is to me, like we developed an even a stronger relationship through that time because, you know, we'd go, I have many memories of going on, runs with her and she'd open up to me and I would relate to her as best I could.

And I would just feel like so honored that she would trust me enough to talk to me about her struggles.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:41] Can I ask, was this in, like when she started sharing her struggles, was it the teenage years? Was it older? Like at what point was she comfortable to say, Hey, by the way, this is what's going on.

Kristen Laursen: [00:16:52] she was probably like 16, 17

when she first started talking and at the time she was cutting. So she did have like marks on her wrist and hands that people would notice. And so a little, like some things like that, people would, it was noticeable, but for the most part, no one had any idea. She was very good at just putting on a show, putting on a mask.

Everything's great. I'm happy,

Damaged Parents: [00:17:18] So you see her, she has a smile on her face, but inside perhaps there was this misery. And, and so I think that's really interesting that you say that because I think maybe sometimes I don't know when someone else is emotional or. I don't, I don't know. In the last few years, I've really noticed that when someone's feeling sick, I noticed that they're just laying there and they just don't, they look like they don't feel good, but maybe their face doesn't always tell me that it's more like how they're behaving.

Does that make sense? Like, I'm trying to compare that to depression. I might not know unless I'm really watching. And then even then I don't know that I would always know. What are your thoughts.

Kristen Laursen: [00:18:04] Yeah, well, that's, what's so hard about mental illness, because if somebody has a physical illness, it's pretty apparent, you know, like they're either throwing up or they have like, like a broken limb or something and they have to wear a cast and they're limping, like it's obvious when someone has a physical illness and everyone can see, Oh, okay.

They need help. Like they have to balance on one leg. Cause they're, you know, they have crutches and their leg is broken. So I can let me help them do this. But with a mental illness, it can be really hard because we don't see, we can't see what the brain is doing. Sometimes there's signs and there's outward,  symptoms and signs, but a lot of times it's a silent battle.

And you can look at someone and say, Oh wow, like they have everything altogether. They're smiling. They're happy. They're the perfect family. When really inside, they feel like they're dying. So that's, what's so hard with mental illness and my sister was so good at hiding it. She, we called her our little sh our sunshine because she just like screamed joy to the world.

Like she was just, just a bright spot in a lot of people's lives and fun and witty and big smile and beautiful eyes and just like shown light. Like she, she really was our sunshine and always will be, but. Yeah. That's the hard part about mental illness, unfortunately is you don't always know what people are thinking and feeling and their inner battle until they talk about it.

That's really the only, only way that we can understand somebody in their struggle is if they give voice to that, which is hard to do, if you feel like you're the only one going through it, or you feel like it's something that should be like shame.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:53] Isn't that interesting that the only way to get through it is to talk about it. And yet talking about it is terrifying.

Kristen Laursen: [00:20:01] Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:20:02] And it's a huge risk to open up and say, I'm struggling. Otherwise I think more people would do it right.

Kristen Laursen: [00:20:12] well, and it's so hard to open up in the moment. Like, I, I have an easy time sharing my story now because I know I've been able to survive through it. I'm on the other side right now. Like I know life is ups and downs, but right now I'm riding on an up and it's easy to share the hard when you've been through it.

And you're on the other side, but when you're in the middle of it, and you have no idea how long it's going to last, and you are just gasping for air that is re it's really hard to open up and to be vulnerable about it because it's just so much harder. You don't know what it means or what it means about you or, it's you get so wrapped up in that mental space.

That's shameful and difficult to be in that you don't quite it's. It's hard to find the words and it's hard to be able to trust people with it.

Damaged Parents: [00:21:07] Right. So I think what I'm hearing you say is you're on the other side. So you, did you start sharing when you were in the middle or after things had happened? I believe you lost your sister to suicide, right? How long did it take you to be able to talk about it?

And then when you did talk about it, what was, what were those feelings like and what was it like being a support person? So I know there's a couple of questions there.

Kristen Laursen: [00:21:35] Yeah. So just continuing on with my story, when I went to college my sister and I were still really close and I, I used to refer to her as like my angel. Like I just love her. And I remember giving a talk in church and saying, you know, she's just, we, it was about angels. And I talked about how angels are on earth and how there's people in our lives that can be just like beautiful angels in our lives.

And I talked about my sister and I started to cry. And it's interesting looking back on that because now she's my literal angel in life. And but she always has been whether she was in physical presence or not. But she went through identity, many identity crises, but she ended up being diagnosed with bipolar two and borderline personality disorder.

And, and that was really hard to see her receive that diagnosis because she made it all about who she was. And it was like she took all of her good qualities. And when she got that diagnosis, she clung to the diagnosis and made it all about who she was. And so all of a sudden she discounted her creativity and her kindness and her love and her ability to connect with people and the good thing she wanted to do with her life.

And now she labeled herself and boxed her in as well. I'm just manipulative. I'm just this and this bad thing. I'm bad, I'm broken. And so receiving that diagnosis, I think was a change for her that, that began a path. Or at least furthered a path and a road of deep shame and self hate and feelings of hopelessness and feeling like, you know what, this is just who I am.

I don't, I'm gonna live my whole life like this with this illness. And I know this isn't the case for everybody, but I know for her receiving that diagnosis was not helpful

Damaged Parents: [00:23:32] So, yeah, it sounds like, and I hadn't thought about it from that perspective before that, because I would think that maybe the diagnosis would be helpful, but it sounds like in her situation that she took that as I'm sick, bad and wrong, because  to be told that I have bipolar two and I have a borderline personality disorder just means I'm sick, bad and wrong because that's what society says because the people who behave like that are not cool people to be around.

Maybe, I don't know. I don't know what her thought process is, but I'm trying to really dig into understanding maybe where she was coming from. And in that moment,

Kristen Laursen: [00:24:13] Yeah. Well, I know that the day that she took her life she was studying to be a nurse. She wanted to be a traveling nurse and she was getting really good grades. She was really passionate, always has wanted to be a nurse since she was a tiny girl. So she was very excited about this concept of getting her nursing degree and traveling around the world and helping people and utilizing tools that she has.

She learned to help herself yoga and creativity and all these different things. And but she really. The day that she decided to take her own life. They did a class on depression and I can't speak for her, but I wonder if her thought process was, I'm supposed to be helping people like me. I'm not supposed to be struggling with this.

And I think it goes back to the perfectionism as well. You know, like I can't look broken to the world to be worthwhile. I can't struggle in this way to be able to help others. Which is so unfortunate because I've learned that through the struggle I have gained empathy and passion for helping other people.

Cause I know what it looks like.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:23] It sounds like you think maybe she also had the perfectionistic idea. Oh, she did. Okay. And that's, that's what I mean, you know, sometimes that runs, you know, we attract what we like sometimes. And you were lucky to have a sister that, that had some similar ideals as you did, because you could relate it's.

So it's really interesting what you said about the bipolar and the borderline personality disorder and thinking. And missing that there's a benefit to, to being, to actually having that in. I'm wondering if maybe part of that is because society always says having any, well, not as so much anymore, but I think it's still there.

That is like, on those tough. I want to call them tougher diagnoses okay. Okay. So saying I have depression and I have anxiety, like for people out there it's excepted right now. In fact, I think it's going kind of to the other side of the spectrum. And yet there's still some things in the mental health world that it's taboo.

If you say you have it, then heaven forbid that you have that because that is not okay. And. The really neat thing, at least in my life, the people that I've known with borderline and with bipolar from my perspective is they are these deep empathic lovers. I mean, they genuinely care so much sometimes, almost too much from my perspective.

It's like, wait, hold on. I'm good. I don't know if that was your same experience. Like she just, you know, I really want to change that to, it's not sick, bad and wrong. It's not all the negative. Some of those negatives are actually really important positives.

Kristen Laursen: [00:27:09] Yeah. Well, and I even struggle with knowing if her diagnosis was correct, because. She had all these struggles, but then when I was going through later on in my story, when I was going through similar struggles, I mean, I honestly could have been diagnosed with the many different things. But it was my brain not functioning well because of other things.

And so I think it can be tricky with diagnosed these but I don't think it's helpful when somebody attaches their entire identity to the diagnosis, to a label. Because like you said, it limits all these other qualities that they have. And so I think in her circumstance, getting that diagnosis was not helpful because that's what she did.

She attached her entire identity to, well, I'm just a borderline now borderlines are, you know, manipulative and they have sex with a lot of people or like whatever. And she was. Building this identity complex around who she didn't value. She didn't value that kind of person. She didn't want to be that kind of person, but it was like, well, I'm just doomed to be this person.

So I might as well just give in and be this person. And so it was really difficult to see her and to talk to her when she was trying to process this diagnosis that she had. And unfortunately, a year and a half after she received that diagnosis she ended up taking her own life. And like I said, it was that day that she.

Went to nursing school earlier in the morning. And they had a lecture on depression and she walked out in the middle of the lecture and she ran into my, my aunt who was also taking courses on the same campus. And she was smiling. Kimber was smiling, my sister she said, hello, how are you? Like my aunt said she could tell no difference.

Like she was just so, so practiced at putting on a face when she was dying inside and she went home and, you know, made sure her dog was locked up, put her phone on the table, drove off and got a gun and drove up to the woods. And what was the hardest thing for me is I found out she was missing on Facebook.

Her roommates had posted on Facebook that she was missing. And that was the first time that I had heard that anything was wrong. And my family, my parents were.  On, they were celebrating their anniversary on a vacation and they got the call. She was missing and booked their first flight home. But we were still helpful, you know, she would, she was spontaneous.

So I think we'll thinking, well, maybe she just went off and had to sleep over somewhere and you know, she'll be fine. But the fact that her phone was at home and her dog was at home, was a little concerning. And I received the call later that day. So it'd been about eight hours of just extreme anxiety, just worrying about, where could she be?

My brother was planning on driving four and a half hours to where she was going to college to try and look for her. They had a search party out and then another one of my aunts had found her car and called the police. And the police found her. And I just remember receiving the call from my dad. My dad was the one that told me that she had passed away.

And I remember exactly where I was in my house and I was standing by the door and my knees, I just collapsed. I just fell down to the ground. And all I could say was why, why, why, why, why, why, why is she, why did this happen? Why is she gone? Why? And you can imagine with my personality of, you know, I want to be there for people.

I feel responsible. And especially with my little sister, you know, I felt responsible for her, my whole life. And now she died. Like it was a lot of, well, what if I didn't love her enough? I wasn't there for her enough. I didn't call her enough. I didn't tell her. I loved her enough. You know, it was a lot of self blame and responsibility that I placed on my shoulders and just.

Absolute heartbreak. When you lose somebody that means that much to you, it feels like you lose a piece of who you are. And that's what I felt like. I felt like the Kristen that I was around my sister that happy and fun person that she brought out, that person died too. And so is, it's impossible to explain the devastation, but I'm sure listeners who have lost people very close to them can relate to that grief.

 But it was a blur going through a funeral and everything. Because it's, it's kind of cruel when you lose somebody so suddenly, and then now you have to plan the, uh, you have to write the obituary and you have to go to the funeral and go to the viewing and put on a face and give people hugs.

And it's like, how do you even breathe? Let alone do all those things that are required of you.

Damaged Parents: [00:32:11] I mean, because a lot of times, especially nowadays, I think people want to celebrate a life. And I think I would really struggle. I mean, what was that like for you? Were you even able to celebrate her life or was it just like too painful to even think about those good things?

Kristen Laursen: [00:32:28] There were so many emotions. I couldn't sleep. And I could, I didn't feel like eating. I didn't feel like sleeping. I. I had constant anxiety. I was trying to just process what had happened. And it was really impossible for my mind to wrap around what had happened. But I did in the week, following her death, have some very sacred experiences where I felt her presence and I felt her spirit near, and I knew that she was still there and I would see her again.

And so I clung on to those. Experiences. And I still do. When I think about her and our relationship, I just have  just a very firm belief that it's eternal it's forever. And so that has helped me through the hard times, but the actual going and the viewing for me was really hard because I saw how many people, like it was amazing how many people showed up and how many diverse people showed up, because she was just that person.

She loved everyone. Didn't matter what you look like or what you acted like or what religion. You're a part of her background. She just gave this beautiful gift of love to so many people. And so for me, I got angry. That was like the one time that I've gotten angry with her. Was it the viewing and I had to leave a little early and sit in the car and regroup because I was just like Kimber, all these people, they needed you and they loved you and you gave so much to them.

And why couldn't you have just kept fighting? Like, I was just mad. 

Damaged Parents: [00:33:58] Yeah, it makes sense to me.

I mean, you're seeing, I mean, what I heard you say this, the diverse people and so many that were impacted by her. And I think maybe the question I might be asking myself is how come you didn't see this? How many people you were touching that love you, that you could stay here.

Kristen Laursen: [00:34:20] Like how, cause she, she was just like, people loved her deeply. I mean, she was the most important person in my life probably. And my brother's lives. Like we all talked about it. Oh yeah. Like I was the closest to Kimber. No, I was the closest to her. Like we just, she had this way of drawing people in and making them feel so connected.

And hearing you and understanding you. And it was like, I felt like she saw me as this amazing person that's who I wanted to be. And she brought that person out when I was around her. And she had that ability with like everybody, it was this amazing ability that she had, but yet she was suffering with so much self hate and she couldn't.

Seem to accept herself and love herself and feel like she was enough. And, and so that was really hard to see and to be a witness, to like how many people were just sobbing and broken hearted and there to just want to be there with her. But they, like, it was really hard that viewing was really hard.

The funeral. As a whole other story that I feel like I could do a whole other episode on, I ended up speaking at the funeral and it was very interesting what I ended up speaking about, but the, funeral was healing, it was healing. And I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to speak about her and about her life.

And  and also for anybody, if anybody is listening and they have lost somebody or, or in the future, they lose somebody suddenly are even just when you lose someone. One of the best pieces of advice that I got from a friend that lost her brother to suicide was to make the time in the Memorial building to have alone time with them, with their body.

And to just share your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions with them. Alone. And so thankfully, because of my friend's advice, my family all got the opportunity to have that time before the funeral. Before we buried her to just face her and to have a conversation with her. And it was interesting.

Every single one of us felt like her body was in front, but her spirit was standing and listening. And it was like this incredible connection that like, I could, I could even picture the way that her face looked. When I told her the things I was telling her. And I said, you know, Kimber, I just want you here with me.

I want you to be here by my side. You were meant to, you're supposed to be here. We were supposed to grow old together and have kids that were best friends. And we talked about that our whole lives growing up. And I was just like, I need you here. And for me, I felt like she had this longing look like, I wish I could.

But like have work to do, you know, I have things to accomplish. And  that was my experience with her. It was like, like her body was in front of me, but her spirit was there and it was such a beautiful, beautiful experience that I cherish. And since then when I lose somebody, I try and have that alone time.

And it's, I think that there is, for me, I have so much faith of something greater and something bond beyond this world. And so that was very healing to be able to have those experiences with her. And, and it was interesting. My dad was the very last person to talk to her and, and he said, she got this very, he got this very strong impression that she was like, okay, dad, well, I need to leave.

But this has been like, I'm glad that we've been able to have this conversation, but I need to go. Like, it just seemed like there were things she was. Wanting to do. So yeah, just some interesting experiences that happened that I wasn't expecting to happen that have helped me kind of have that greater faith and hope that there's something greater.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:12] So it sounds like in, right, like in that moment though, because you're able to do that, it kept you, it, it can help propel you through those moments. Not that you were gonna be joyful all the time. It's because I'm thinking it took time to process the death

Kristen Laursen: [00:38:29] Oh, definitely.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:30] And that the roller coasters of what happened, you know, So there was like an ebb and a flow and I'm thinking it just to go back to the metaphor at the beginning, it took a little bit of time before you could see the spring coming through the ground.

Right. So even in that sounds like even at the funeral, that was like your first little recognition that there is hope and that kept you moving forward.

Kristen Laursen: [00:38:57] Yeah, definitely. I had lots of, lots of moments that I felt like. We're hopeful amongst the, and it would come and go. It was like these ever-changing seasons of grief. Like I actually wrote a poem that I could share with you about ever changing seasons of grief and, you know, just taking this idea that their seasons and that the spring comes.

But, but for me, it was like, I would be in spring one moment and then I'd be in winter the next and grief can be so confusing to navigate because it's all of these emotions. That's the gratitude of the life that you shared with them and the memories you have, but then it's the pain that you can't experience those memories.

Further in life and there's so just so many deep, deep emotions that occur. But through the processing, I, I turned to poetry and I turned to music and that was a very healthy way for me to, to process, but it was impossible to stuff down those emotions. I had to feel them. And so every night for a year almost every night I would just stay up.

My husband had worked till 11 at night and I put my daughter, my little baby girl down to sleep at like eight, eight 30. And then I'd stay at from eight 30 to 11 and write poetry and write songs. And that was a really healthy way for me to just cry and to process and express my emotions.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:19] It sounds like you almost leaned into the feelings as far as you could, instead of trying to pull away.

Kristen Laursen: [00:40:28] Yeah, I did. I did. I felt, I didn't feel like for me, it was possible to pull away. Like I sometimes just, it was overwhelming and it just overcame me. Like, I didn't feel like I could shut it off. It was just so blaringly apparent.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:45] That makes sense. Now there, there's more to your story here and we have a little more time still. It's

Kristen Laursen: [00:40:53] I know. I told you, my story has so many layers.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:56] love it though, because there's, I really wanted to, to gate what was happening for you. And I really think it was important to talk about the D you know, the bipolar and the borderline personality and the perception behind that, what that means.

And, but I'm just wondering if as you go on with your story, which I don't know much about, I've only got like two things that I know. Right.  If, if the, the second experience that you talk about helped give you maybe even a deeper understanding of maybe what your sister was going through, or if it was totally different.

So basically listeners, when I'm talking about, is she, she, did she experienced psychosis while pregnant? So maybe if you could talk about what happened and how that helped you relate since you just said it did.

Kristen Laursen: [00:41:44] Yeah, totally. So after my sister died I had a little baby at the time. She was eight months old and it was great to have her. And because she helped me smile. She helped me really be happy and put on it, you know, get out of bed and actually have to do something. I couldn't just stay in bed all day.

So it was really a blessing that we had her, but between then, and the next couple of years I had miscarried and then my husband graduated pharmacy school and we had to move away from family and friends and everything that was normal, I guess you could say. So we picked up and we moved to a different state and that is when I started to struggle with my own struggles.

My depression, I had just started to struggle with depression and anxiety and identity crises, and also okay. Like I'm away from family, I'm away from normalcy. How am I going to share my story about my sister and I, I didn't feel comfortable just telling these complete strangers. I didn't know about my story.

So I went back to the perfectionism, you know, like I have to put on this face to be loved, to be accepted. And in the community that we moved to, I felt like I just didn't fit in. And that was really hard. And so I felt very alone for the first time, since my sister's death. And then at the same time, I had a toddler that I was trying to figure out how to parent and she was going through her own tantrums and the toddler stage.

And I, again felt blamed for when she threw it tantrums. Oh, I'm a bad mom because she's kicking and screaming. What am I doing wrong? I'm not doing this enough. So that all of those things contributed to my struggle. But I got on antidepressants and I started to feel better. And then we moved again for my husband's next year residency.

So we moved to a different state and it was picking it up and starting all over again. And I felt pretty grounded. Honestly, the medication was helping. I learned things from the struggle. I was feeling more confident in my story and who I was and I found some good friends and then I decided to have another baby.

We had decided it was time to really try. And so I got off my antidepressants and I did it, healthy and very steadily and the way that doctors recommend and I felt great and I got pregnant and things were pretty good until I was about six months pregnant. And then all those feelings of depression, anxiety, struggle Started to enter back into my life.

And, and I couldn't, I began not being able to sleep. I wasn't sleeping. And then when I don't sleep my brain, I really need sleep. So my mind started to not function very well, and the anxiety started to become overwhelming and all those negative thoughts that that many of us can relate to. When you go through depression started to creep into my life.

And I started to believe those thoughts that I wasn't a good enough mom and I wasn't a good enough wife and that I wasn't meant to be a mother. And how dare I bring another child into this world when I'm not good enough. And he would be better off if I just adopted him and all these things.

And then I would go on Google because I really wanted to find somebody who was going through what I was going through and made it out. Okay. And unfortunately, Dr. Google, I would not recommend somebody that is like in a paranoia kind of mind frame.  So I found stories of, well, like I tried to get help, but unfortunately the CPS came and took my kids and I found all these really depressing stories,

Damaged Parents: [00:45:19] Wait, hold on. You're telling me, people were struggling with mental health and CPS were coming in, was coming in and taking the children because the parent was struggling with mental health.

Kristen Laursen: [00:45:30] and trying to get help. Yeah. I found these stories. I found these stories online. Yeah. And I started to become really scared that that was going to be my reality. I read stories that,

Damaged Parents: [00:45:42] Yeah. I wouldn't want to ask for help at that

Kristen Laursen: [00:45:44] no, no. And I, I read the story that was like, well, I was really struggling with this.

And I think the mom was on drugs. I, which I wasn't, but ended up having to deliver her baby in the prison and got the baby was taken away from her. And I was reading all these stories in the state of I'm not enough, my kids deserve better. And I began to feel like those stories were my future. So I started to think, you know, CPS is going to come and take away the kids and you know, I'm not meant to be a mom anyway.

So maybe that's for the better. And I maybe I'm meant to live a life like void of hope and void of love. And maybe I meant to be locked up in a prison or a mental hospital and stay there for the rest of my life, you know? And so, because I felt. So terrible about myself and wasn't sleeping for months or eating healthy or taking care of my body and growing a baby.

Like there were just so many things that contributed to my psychosis and that is psychosis is it's like a mental breakdown. It's when you lose sense of reality. And so, you know, I had this whole alternate reality built up in my head of like CPS is going to come any moment and take my kids away from me.

And yeah, like, I there's no hope there's no positive future for me.

And I started to really

Damaged Parents: [00:47:06] right. And it's not like it's a different world, it's this world. But in your mind you believed that the worst was going to happen.

Kristen Laursen: [00:47:15] Yeah, and it that's a part of it, but I also had these really negative, negative voices in my head and it got to the point that they were screaming and I felt like I needed to talk back to them. And so it's this really, really dark, scary place to be in. Honestly it felt like hell, I didn't even know it was possible to be in that much misery.

I was struggling.

Damaged Parents: [00:47:40] send something was off? I mean, could you tell, so you knew something was

Kristen Laursen: [00:47:44] knew, I knew it was wrong. There were so many times I threatened to call CPS on myself because I was like, I should not be apparent right now. I I'm having all these terrible thoughts and things going on. I knew it was so. I knew it was off. And I would tell my parents, I would tell, you know, my husband that I needed to be locked up or something because this was not okay.

So yeah, I was very, very aware. I know that's not the case for everyone, but for me, I was very aware of the fact that things were not normal, but what was hard is my parents, they would come like my mom came to help me. I had friends come or not friends. Yeah. Friends that came over. And they would see me and they'd be like, well, you seem normal.

Like you're patient with your kids. , you're trying, I can tell you're trying, like, you're pretty happy. So even in that psychosis state, I was still able to like, pretend things were normal and find sometimes, uh, not all the time, but. Sometimes I was able to hold on that on, uh, put up that show and, but it got to the point that I, did get hospitalized.

I was eight months pregnant and the hospital for me was, was a scary place. And I, I hesitate to say this because I think for a lot of people it's extremely helpful and I don't want to not encourage someone to go. And honestly, I think it was essential for me to go because I needed help. But in that state of paranoia, every time a doctor came in, every time somebody came in and asked me, well, how are you feeling?

How are your thinking? I didn't think I could be honest because I thought they were going to take away my kids. And so I felt like I had to put up this show and put on this face. And now I was in front of an audience that I had to pretend to. And at the same time, dying inside and not sleeping and all the thoughts going every which way.

And I felt like I was just putting every amount of energy that I could to try and pretend like everything was okay when it really was not. But I felt like if I, I just couldn't trust the doctors. I couldn't trust the people there because I felt like they would turn me in and I would, you know, so that was really hard, but I was

able to get back

Damaged Parents: [00:49:54] I, think that it was your fear was based in reality of what does happen in the United States. And at the same time you needed help and you were doing the right thing. And so I'm thinking that the story is not going to end how it has for many other people in that you didn't lose the kids.

But how, how did you gain the strength to, I mean, you're in the hospital, you're having these thoughts, you can't trust. How did you gain the strength to even share, uh, and to get better? Or how did that happen?

Kristen Laursen: [00:50:29] So in the hospital, there were most, most doctors I couldn't trust. And I could, I felt interrogated. I felt like they were interrogating me, which it's really hard to know from my point now. What was reality and what was not, but in my struggle, I felt very judged. I felt interrogated. I felt like one time they showed a video of a baby and you know, I was eight months pregnant.

But there was this one, man, this one doctor Who I trusted. And he just had very kind eyes and I didn't feel like he was judging me. I didn't feel like he was like, I kind of felt this overarching feeling. And again, I don't know if this was a reality or just my reality, but I felt like everybody was like, how dare she?

Like, she's pregnant. She's going through this. Like what, how dare she be a mother? And I was getting all these messages from my thoughts. And then I felt like from other people around me and I didn't feel that from him. I just felt this compassion and this desire to help me. And I felt like I could trust him more than anyone else in the hospital.

And there were actually in, later on in my recovery, a couple people like that that I just. Didn't feel any amount of shame or judgment coming from them. And so I trusted in him when he said, take this medication. It's not going to harm your baby.  You know, from the studies that we know the antidepressant, you need it a lot more like it's definitely going to help you and that's going to help your baby.

And the side effects, like I was so worried about side effects to medication and it affecting the fetus and the baby. And that I refuse to take medication and tell this point until I was hospitalized. And I, I think that I needed that to be able to allow my mind to rest and finally be able to sleep and recover.

 So trusting in that psychiatrist that was there at the hospital. And then just starting a medication was. Very essential for me in my healing and recovery. And since then, I've actually done an episode on, on my show about antidepressants and about antidepressants while pregnant and what we know as far as studies go.

And they've proven that untreated depression can be much more harmful to the fetus than the antidepressant. That really, there's not a lot of negative side effects from an antidepressant. So, but I was so concerned about that. And so I'm, I'm very grateful that I'm grateful for that doctor and grateful for those who had compassion and, and really projected that to me, even in my state of paranoia and that I was able to at least trust in that.

 And start to get better. But I remember when I left the hospital, I was convinced there would be a police car out to get me that, like, I would walk out the doors and there'd be a police man, like ready to cuff, ready to, you know, cuff me and I'd go and have to deliver my baby in a prison cell. But really I've learned that people really want to help, and I think.

 I don't, you can't prove an intention of somebody, but looking back, I think I was just very paranoid and I think most of the people in that hospital and most of the doctors and the people there were there to help and they, they weren't there to interrogate me or to, to make me feel like I was a bad person or anything.

They were there to try and help me get better. And so that's why I hesitate to even share this story because I want to encourage people if you're in that low place, even if you're pregnant, like, especially if you're pregnant, go get help, take action. There are a lot of people that are there to help you.

And I think those stories that I found online I mean, they were not comforting or helpful for me and contributed to my paranoia, but I think overall, like, and I've heard from other people, like. People want to help you stay together as a family unit, and they're going to do everything they can to help the mother Hill.

And that's the focus. They don't want to take you away from your kids. They don't want to put you in prison like that is not somebody's goal or purpose. Like they want to make sure you're healthy and to help you get to that point, that you can be your best self

Damaged Parents: [00:54:47] Well, and while it can happen, I think you make a very good point. Is that. If you, maybe I think at the end of the day, it's better to get the help to get better and have the support because if you hadn't have reached out and hadn't have gone there, I mean, there's, there were probably support set up for after having the baby also so that they made sure that you were in a healthy state of mind for as long as they, you know, until they were comfortable, that it was over I'm thinking.

Right. So it wasn't just

a, let's go to the hospital and be done.

Kristen Laursen: [00:55:21] Yeah, yeah. A little bit, a little bit of that. But yeah, I think worst case scenario had they had the CPS come and taken the kids away. Like number one, for me that wouldn't have happened actually, because they had parents that were there helping, I had a husband that was able to help, but even for people that don't have that.

That doesn't have to be a permanent thing. It's just to take care of yourself. You find the help, be honest, you know, get on the right medication or find the right tools for you. Because the end goal for everybody is to mate to try and get that family unit together and have it be as healthy as possible.

And I didn't see the world like that in my paranoid state of mind, I saw everybody was against me. Nobody was trying to help me. People want were malicious and they wanted to pull apart my family. And that maybe that was even for the best, because I wasn't a good mom. And I just believed all those messages when everyone around me were telling me that no, actually like my, my parents were like, you're an amazing mom.

Like you're so patient, you love her so much. Like you are an amazing mom, but I didn't believe it because. You know of my perfectionism and all the other messages, I didn't save my sister's life. And what if, you know, I'm gonna fail as a mom and my kids are going to end up the way my sister did, and that will be on me too.

You know, just all these messages that kind of accumulated to my darkest lows. So yeah, I would say that is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through harder than losing my sister was psychosis while pregnant, because it's like, you just, you, I lost sense of reality. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust anyone else.

And I, it was. It was awful to be able to like be in that it was awful to be in that frame of mind while pregnant, because not only was I hurting myself, but I knew I was hurting my baby. And so it was this whole fear of like, what's that going to look like? And am I ruining his life even before he's here?

You know, like it was just a lot of shame, a lot of hate, a lot of darkness. And I was completely numb. I, I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel I just was existing in this miserable hellish place. And because of that, I have a lot of empathy for my sister. A lot of empathy for other people. I see people on the streets and I think, you know, that could have been me if I didn't get the help.

And if I didn't find the tools that could have very well been me you just don't, you can't understand somebody's story until you've walked a mile in their shoes and. And for me, the psychosis was that it's like, okay, I understand now why people, you know, make really awful choices. And it's just a scary place and scary thing that can happen to anyone.

And I want to be clear, like it can happen to anyone. Like I had a fabulous childhood. I was very, I'm a very high functioning person. Christian, I have, you know, I don't drink alcohol. I've never had alcohol before. Like I've never done drugs. Like I just, I want to get that message across it. No one is exempt from mental illness.

And so therefore it doesn't. Have to mean anything about your identity? It doesn't have to mean anything about who you are or your worth. You're your worth as a person. And going through with my recovery, that was a big message that I had to get across to myself is, you know, uh, trust in God and an understanding that God is love and that he loved me in my brokenness and he wasn't, I was in, in my struggle, I was so convinced I was going to hell and I was so convinced that God couldn't accept me or love me.

And there's no way, because look at what I've done, I'm pregnant, I'm doing this to a baby. And you know, just my thoughts and my anxiety and my depression, all the things. And I learned through my recovery that no, he loves me unconditionally in that brokenness. And I don't have to be. A certain way for him to love me.

And then I started to focus, not so much on the darkness because that was my focus, you know, all throughout the struggle. And the more I focused on the darkness, the more dark things became, but I started to focus on one light at a time. And  every day I would pray and you know, before my prayers were like, God, just snap your fingers, get me out of this mess.

Like just make things better. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good person. Like make it better. Why aren't you making it better? Don't you love me? Like that was, those were my prayers. I guess you don't love me. I guess I'm not good enough. I guess I belong in hell. But learning to change my prayers to instead.

Okay. God, I know you love me. I know you can help me. I know you have the answers. Tell me one thing I can do today. Just one thing I can do today to better my circumstances, because I want to, I want to, you know, take action. And when I changed those prayers, it was amazing. The answers I received and how quick my recovery was.

And the medication I believe was a part of that. Definitely was I needed that medication at that time to get to where I was sleeping and get to where my brain could function. But then just focusing on every day, what's the one thing, what's a one positive thing. What's the one light that I can bring into this dark place.

And the more that I focused on the light, the more the light grew and that's where the podcast came from is lighting the shadows taking whatever, dark we're in, whatever it works, whatever looks like and focusing on the one thing to light that darkness. So yeah my recovery. Occurred pretty quickly when I started to focus on the one line at a time and take action.

And instead of being consumed by the darkness. And so I, I recovered in about four months and now I feel like almost, I feel great. I feel an immense amount of gratitude for what I've gone through because I have something to talk about. I have a beautiful story of hope and. I feel like, you know, if I could have made it out of, if I made it out of what I made it out of, anyone can make it out of their darkness, their struggles.

And so I'm really, really passionate about talking about mental health and about helping people feel like there's hope for them, no matter what they're going through that they can find tools that they can find answers and they can find peace. And so that is what I do on my podcast on my show is I just talk about here's some tools.

I interview people who have gone through really hard things, certain diagnoses, certain trauma experiences, mistakes, and how they got through it and the light at the end of their tunnel. So I, I interview those kinds of people. And then I interviewed mental health professionals who can provide tools and, and knowledge and wisdom for people who are in a low place.

So yeah, it's, it's a place all about hope. And I just think if my story can reach just one person and help them feel hope, help them, just take that one step, help them seek after that one light, then it's worth it. It's worth my struggle. It's worth the effort. Because I believe that having that hope can save a life.

My sister and her suicide note. She wrote, I don't want to live 80 years like this. I don't want to be in this kind of pain for 80 years. And so she's like, I just, she felt like that was the best way out. And when I was in my struggle, I remember thinking like, I don't want to cause this pain to my family for our whole lives.

I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be somebody that can't function for forever. And I felt like it was, so it was so end all. It was going to be my forever, but now I realize, no, it was just a glimpse and my whole life story. And, and it's a beautiful glimpse because it's taught me so much.

And it's given me the passion and it's given me a voice. So yeah, that is, that is my story in a very long nutshell.

Damaged Parents: [01:03:29] Yeah, no. Well, it just really sounds like it changed your whole perspective on so many levels and because it changed your perspective on so many levels, you have a whole different way of looking at the world and it sounds like it's one with a significant amount of empathy and compassion, no matter where someone is.

And I think that is so important. I mean, it just, what a blessing you are to the world. Right. And what a blessing that your sister was that. That she was able to love so many people. And now in turn, she's even given you some new insight, maybe you wouldn't have been able to make it through that struggle.

If you hadn't have known what your sister had gone through, we don't know. Right. Like we don't, we really don't know. So it, it may have been a purposeful we don't know God's plan, if you will. We don't know the universe or creator, whoever people believe in. But, so if you had three, just real quick, three little things that someone can do that you, the tools you want them to walk away with.

Kristen Laursen: [01:04:35] And you said you have this gift of empathy that you can give others. I was reminded that I had that. From a very young age. I think that that was something that I could just give and it was something that was easy for me, but what was really hard was having empathy for myself  and compassion for myself, with my perfectionism, with feeling like I ha I was responsible for other people's emotions and all that pressure I put on myself, I felt like I remember telling my mom I don't deserve compassion.

Yeah. Everyone else does, but not me. And so I think number one would be believing that you are worth love and you are worth compassion. And that God. Who I perceive as like the giver of love or whoever you, your higher power is, you can connect to that love. And that is essential in recovery from everyone I've talked to from every story that I've heard, recovery comes through that connection to love.

And so number one, figuring that out and just believing if you can't, if you don't feel like you can believe that you're worth love, just try and believe. Just try and believe my words, you know, my story. If anything, like there's so many other wonderful, wonderful things that, that portray that that love is real and is available.

But I know for myself through my story, through my, my own experience, that that love is unconditional and it's not a human love because we all love him perfectly. It's something greater than that. It's pure and it's all encompassing and you are worth that love. So that number one is what I would, would give people.

And then along with that too, there is always hope. If you feel like you're stuck change is the only constant and things will change. And if you look at the light, if you look at turning on one light in your life, one light at a time, one day at a time, things will get better and you'll look back and you'll say, Oh, that's crazy that I ever thought that I'd be stuck in this misery for ever because it's life is not about being stuck.

It's a roller coaster and it just keeps on you keep on going on. And so yeah, just one step at a time. And the number three, I would say. I love creativity and I love to inspire people to be creative. And I think a huge part of our lives centered around creativity. You know, we create so many things, conversations, we're creating a podcast episode right now.

We create families, we create poems, we create music. We create Experiences. And so the more that we create, I believe that God is the ultimate creator and, to try and be like him we can create, and there's, there's a divine feeling that comes through creating something beautiful. So I would encourage people who are feeling stuck to find some creative outlet.

My sister really stood for creativity. She, that was a huge tool to help her in her life and her journey. So I feel like I'm sharing her voice and encouraging other people to create. So yeah, those are the three things that I had leave. And then I know we're over time, but if you would like, I can share that poem that I

Damaged Parents: [01:07:59] I was, I was going to ask if you wanted to share that.

Kristen Laursen: [01:08:02] So this poem is titled seasons of grief, and I wrote it February, 2016. I lost my sister end of October, 2015. So it was, uh, let's see, when is that? October, November, December, January, February.

So yeah, not too long after I lost my sister.  Your smile radiating the summer sun shining through my darkest days. Your eyes full of light, your heart full of song laughter beaming of the sun's rays sunshine. I called you. You could fill every empty soul with joy and love and hope smiles followed your footsteps.

It seemed to me, you left happiness everywhere you'd go. But who knew those summer days would be cut so short by your very own hand. That same brilliant mind radiating beauty. So pure was fighting demons behind a mask. And that last breath you'd breathe. Brought a cold autumn chill as the living became the lost and you autumn tree shed your last memory leaf, a barren sapling forever frozen in the frost.

Didn't, you know, you were meant to grow old, to grow tall, a lifetime of memories to make with seasoned cycling summer, autumn, winter spring with branches old and weary before they break. But instead young tree, you are frozen and fall as am I shocked and numb with your loss, the pain, like a dagger piercing, all the depths of my soul.

How could you truly be gone? I feel alone. The blustering snowstorms of winter, biting my face to numb, to care. Who am I now you're gone. How do I live? How do I love feeling anger, regret, sadness, fear I hae forward or in hand through the treacherous waves of a sea unpredictable and vast. These waves of emotion.

Cyclical get erratic, seem impossible to navigate past. I cried at the skies, whereas the summer sun will I ever feel hope and peace again. Ready to give up, to give into the sea, to let the demons that stole my sunshine win, but in the winter storm, through the tears, through the pain, I think of the summers light, the memories.

I forever hold dear to my heart when life was so simple. So right. My frozen heart seems to thought just a little as I think of those memories, dear, they are flowers once blooming breathing life preserved so carefully in my thoughts, they'll stay near and I find joy in new life, new friendships, bloom.

Although my soul still feels saddened without you. In spring time, I learned that I cherish life. I want to live more in honor of you. And at times I wonder if I catch a tiny glimpse of the shadow of the summer sun's rays. When I talk and laugh of the fun times, we shared like sweet music and my thoughts, they play.

And I feel hope that perhaps I can feel warmth again, that the clouds will finally part that I can feel complete. Feel whole, once again, since the day you left a void in my heart, but I learned that the seasons are not as mother nature's. They come and go often without warning one minute and spring times of good memories and then lost and a heartbreak of winters flurry.

And I realized life will never be the same that no one can replace your light, that the coming and going of erratic grief seasons will forever be a part of my new life. And I find myself stuck in the dreaded winter storm, isolated a pint upon my raft, but when I feel the tears fall and my icy cold cheeks, I look up and around at last to see that in all actuality, I'm not alone.

But I'm surrounded to my left and right by family and friends who are navigating their own journey through grief, their own fight. And I realized that I'm never truly alone that through the heartbreak and the pain, I'm surrounded by angels on earth and above who will help me find joy through the rain.

Although my journey through the seasons of grief is my own and only my own. There are others to help me. I was never meant to go through these seasons alone. So I'll live my life as best I can and cherish you angel above till the moment that comes, that I to leave this earth and are welcomed in heaven with love, I will run to you angel with arms outstretched eyes that speak of my lifetime of pain and hold you close forever more.

And the glory of heaven, summers I'll stay.

Damaged Parents: [01:12:36] Thank you so much, Kristen. We're so lucky we get to have you here today.

Kristen Laursen: [01:12:42] Yeah, of course. Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure.

 Damaged Parents: [01:12:46] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Kristen about how she lost her sister to suicide, and experienced psychosis during pregnancy. We especially liked when she shared how her experience gave her empathy for her sister's mental health. To unite with other damaged people. Connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then