Episode 47: Be Simply Me
Bernadette Bruckner
Bernadette Bruckner is from Austria she is an inspirational host of Be Simply Me, a podcast which reiterates how important it is to simply be yourself, no matter what, nothing else matters
Social Media:
Facebook: @insideoutcommunicationBB
Instagram: @drcbbruckner
YouTube: Health-in-all Bernadette Bruckner, MA PhD.c. - YouTube
Podcast transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where unsure splintered alone. People come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person, the one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Bernadette Bruckner. She has many roles in her life, daughter, traveler of the world, speaker of many languages. Lover of all humans and more. We'll talk about how she burnt out found herself contemplating suicide and how she found health and healing. Let's talk.
Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Bernadette. I'm so glad you're here today.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:02:07] my deepest pleasure. And from Austria way to your, well, where are you actually coming from
Damaged Parents: [00:02:14] Oh, we're in Sacramento, California.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:02:16] Ah, I'm pretty sure you have a better weather, than me because we had winter. We had snow today. I'm like, no.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:23] It's actually pouring outside as we speak.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:02:27] So at least you don't have to.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:29] So we can, we could be happy in that today's winter for both of us.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:02:34] Yes. At least we have a lot of time to, to have a very interesting talk.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:39] yeah. Yes. Yes. I'm so excited. And I know that sounds weird. And I say it almost every time, but I, that I am excited to hear about your struggle because I feel so inspired each time I hear how someone makes it through a struggle. So if you could just start with where your journey begins and then I'll ask you some questions along the way that will be fantastic.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:03:03] I think my darkest moment was when I was working in France. And actually prepared to kill myself. And I was alone there. I was in an apartment in Lion and I'm pretty sure no one could actually find me there. And this was like something I had so many depressions and it always felt like, but I always was a happy child.
So it didn't, it didn't feel that it's it's mine, but I always know it's there. It's real. And if nothing happens in there, I just, I just do it and I prepare it. I got, you know, Google tells you a lot of stuff and also about how to kill yourself properly so that a truly be dead and not, this kind of half that thing.
And this was pretty sure the darkest moment in my life. And the only thing. Why I didn't do do it because I was really very, very close. It was only one thing. I can't do that to my mom. When I'm in France, no one can find me I'm dying in my own blood and this doesn't look good.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:07] Mm. So what happened? On the journey to that place, to that darkest moment. I mean, I heard you say that there were some depressions and things like that, did that start years before that, did it start like a month before that? Explain to us what happened beforehand.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:04:26] I'm coming from a bakery. And the only thing, what I always said, what I learned from my parents is working. Since I can think since I can talk, I just supported my parents because they were really hard workers. And I got so many beliefs and so many stuff. What woman should be, we have to work. We have to serve the men.
You had a woman in the house you have to cook and all the other stuff. And my mom hit me when, when she was, when she hit me just too much pressure because building up a cafe, a bakery and working way too much as my dad and, you know, children are like, I love my parents and I want to take away the pain. I think that's just something totally not naturally to, to children.
And it was the same with me. So I grew up actually very tough because the, the men who, especially the elder men who were in the cafe was really mean.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:21] So the people who came to,
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:05:24] to the coffee shop. Yes. Yes, exactly. And when, when you're, when you're high sensitive and really a high sensitive person, but no one is teaching you that, that it's not about you.
These are just frustrated man or whatever, but no one is telling you because no one was there because my mom was working out there and I just supported her. And serving, this man and this, this makes something with people with children. Because especially the first seven years, your environment's actually shaping you and your identity and all the beliefs who you are, who you should be.
And for me, it was like, I always had to be tough. This was a belief. We, women have to be tough. I still remember when my mom was always seeing this one. So this is something what you believe I have to be tough. I have to be tough. I have to be tough. And one day it's just too much. And the interesting part was when I had my darkest moment in France parallel, my mom had also her burnout at home in Austria.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:18] So you guys were on the same timeline.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:06:20] yes, kind of, yes. And if someone is telling me that children don't feel you, it doesn't matter where you are. That's not right. And this, this was something when I found out, when I came back from France, when I found out that my mom had like on the same time to burn out, I was like, okay, then let's go through it because I, we grew up tuff, let's go through it.
So I actually took care of my mom. And this was probably also another, step to survive because I can, cannot let her alone
Damaged Parents: [00:06:50] I think what I'm hearing you say is that taking care of mom actually helped you because you needed something to distract yourself with.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:06:59] not only that, but I was always the person in the family. If the knowledge is not there, I was the one who got the knowledge. So I was learning about burnouts and what's actually going on there. Why do I have it? And all the things. And later on, I made NLP, uh, further education and also psychology for education and also nutrition only to gain the knowledge to support Actually my mom still today, by the way to get out of this stuff.
And the only thing, what I noticed, to make the story a little bit shorter, I had three burnouts, so I didn't learn from the first one. I just need my third one. But with the first one was, I was in deep personalization. So I was truly in the last step of burnout,
Damaged Parents: [00:07:41] I don't understand that. What did, what word was it? The before last step of burnout?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:07:46] Deep personalization. So I didn't know any more who I am. I was totally burned out about, less sleep sleeping. I really had no sleep anymore. I was, I had an eating disorder, so I stopped eating and all the other things, and it always was there only to function. I wasn't. I always say I just wasn't be a human anymore.
Uh, at the entity, I just only were function and survival mode
Damaged Parents: [00:08:10] Okay. And what would people see on the outside? What if, if someone saw you, would they have said you were happy, would they have had any idea what was happening inside?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:08:22] I don't think so. Because most of the people, even today they are so in their own world. With all their challenges and problems that I'm pretty sure that you actually, when you even believe you meet another person, you don't meet this person. And for me it was it's, it's like, most of it, I, what I'm asking today, what I'm asking a lot of people do you actually know who you are without all the beliefs and all the values, what you got from other people.
And according to Schumpeter, Shay, who is a development scientist back then, he said, all of identity gets created at the first five to seven years. And whatever happens in there, it becomes in your subconsciousness. And we believe we are this person. But if you, if you begin to struggle where if you have a disease or have anything else, then most of the people look, look at it.
Where does it come from? What is actually going on? And then you may be discovered through whatever. Say like, you know, there are so many different methods out there that, that you get overtaken. So many beliefs and values from other people that this may harm you. It can be also supportive, but most of, most of the people it's just harming.
And there's more as I discovered what I, which what I overtook from the beliefs, from my parents, from my grandparents and what they actually overtook from others, because my father is a war child. My mom is a post war child. And I mean, they saw something. What we thank God, not, uh, experienced, they have trauma with it, but did they ever look at it?
No. Back then there was like the swab, they had to survive. They had to, to find food, they had to build up something and just that life is going on. And there's was, I see the elder people and his mercy also with my mom that now that trauma from back then, uh, coming up, is it PSTD? Yes. No, they didn't have time that they didn't want to.
It was hidden. It was subconscious hidden. And that's why globally, you see how there are more and more people who are depressed, who highly suicide, domestic violence, all this stuff coming up out, which is, was actually suppressed and in the subconsciousness and was, was like hidden from them from whatever reason, either because we were too busy with career or you were partying or all the things, but with COVID-19, it just.
A lot of stuff stopped. So, so you begin where then the subconscious stuff begins to crack and a lot of, lot of an unsolved challenges are coming up and you just
see it.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:03] time to walk through. So the unsolved challenges come up.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:11:07] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:07] And one other thing I heard you say that I thought was really interesting was about the mean men at the bakery shops that were coming to the cafe and what it sounded like was that they were being mean to you. Maybe you weren't serving them fast enough.
I'm not sure.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:11:25] no, they, they, this was their attitude.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:28] okay. So they were just being period.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:11:31] Yes. They were just mean if they were frustrated or whatever. I don't know. I don't want to say it wasn't Senate. Uh, it was just, they were just mean they believed it's funny. I mean, you know, Yuma is in all this in different ways. But for me it was hurting because I was overweight.
So they all complained about the way I look, they complain about my weight. They complain about everything. But today after all the education, it was never about me. They just were just mean people.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:01] Right, but it is a seven year old. I think what I heard you say, as you took that on as a factual, almost.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:12:07] Yes. Who of the children, or who, who gets teachers? How to handle such a challenges? No one. This is, for me, it should be totally profound in kindergarten and way much earlier, actually, but this is something we never get teached.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:21] So how would you teach. A child about it. And I'm asking this because I'm trying to think of when I was young, what people would say and would, I totally believe that. It's not about me just because of I've got a child sprain, so I'm trying to understand how would we teach that to kids?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:12:43] I mean, I don't have children, but I have uh, nieces, other twin nieces and nephew. And for me, it was always every single word. Every single expression. What you're doing for children can be nurturing or can be damaged. And this is something I always encouraged them. I always encouraged them. As best as possible in positive ways.
Also when they didn't like something or when they didn't want to do it, or when they just had a meltdown children, we even grown up, we have meltdowns. They way I react on their meltdown makes a difference, become, and or when I yell at them or whatever, and they should stop, this is no good. Just be there.
And I saw it with my twin niece. She had a meltdown. It was totally okay. I just sat there next to her, gave her, the space that she's still can have. And she got quiet immediately. If I would yell at her, it would put more and more and more and more for nothing.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:43] Right. So the, the meltdown happens. And then do you round back to having a conversation about some healthier ways to address it? Or how does that, how do you do that?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:13:53] I think I'm highly intuitive. It always depends on the age. If it's necessary to talk about. Then do it in a way a child understands if it's nothing, if it's just, you know, kind of fast, she just has it. For what reason whatsoever. Sometimes we just have no idea why it happens at the moment.
Then why talk about, because there's more, as you make this a topic, as much as you make it important, it's worth it. We'll remember in the child's memory. And is it necessary or not?
Damaged Parents: [00:14:24] So figuring out whether it's. Important in that moment is also important because sometimes they don't know why they're upset and that's okay. Sometimes as an adult, I think, I don't know why I'm upset.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:14:37] But in as an adult, it's like, Oh, I'm not allowed to, because I'm a grown up person. And I'm like, we are all, everything allowed to do everything. And I, complained for more than 20 years, women. And we suppress our emotions and I just have no idea why, but I have to tell, I have to say, my grandmother always said, you have to get out of your emotions all the time.
Otherwise you get ill today. I understand her what she actually meant because when you suppress emotions, Then you suppress it, always an always always. And then you actually can create diseases, either cancer or in every single disease. But what you have there is a message behind.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:15] That's interesting to think about what's happening. Cause I know some things are just, they just don't fix. That's just not the plan and other things. It is important. And I think maybe. Maybe what I hear you saying is regardless, investigate and see if maybe there's something behind this and it's okay. If there isn't too, it could go either way.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:15:37] exactly exactly, but looking behind the curtain for many, many people, they're so hurt, from the childhood that they create different, you know, either sees or a behavior, which is not healthy. But when you begin to look at it, I do a lot of inner child healing, but it's the same. It was the same with me.
I became totally look at every single point. What happened. The way it happened in France.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:04] Hmm.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:16:04] So something, there were so many different, you know, occasion and so many different, things. And for me, the journey to go inside is in my opinion, the biggest and the most blessful and adventurous journey ever and discover every single day, another peace of mind, what maybe others told me that this is just bullshit because everybody told me I'm not good in languages or I'm not good.
At being creative. I am, I love designing. I have more than 30 dress design. I'm maybe I'm not good in languages, but I still love them. If traveling and this is for me, something who am I with all the beliefs, all the hurting words from other people and who could we, when we actually only get nurturing, empowering, motivate, tell, you know, words since childhood, it's just a huge difference, but is it, uh, a great effort that I emphasize a child?
No. But if my, when my inner child is hurt, when I'm hurt, for what reason whatsoever, most of the time, they can't be nice words to others.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:12] It's very hard. I agree to be nice to someone else when I've been hurt by them and that may not have even been their intention.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:17:22] I as truly want to hurt another person, you have to be hurt yourself and believe this. This is the reality that each, that it's normal to, to hurt each other, that you just do it.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:34] Right. And I think sometimes maybe people think that they're hurt and they somehow decide other people hurt them on purpose. And while I understand psychopaths would do that, they're not a significant part of our society. I think. What one out of a hundred of people I think is a psychopath.
Most people though, aren't going to hurt me on purpose.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:17:58] and I I combined so many also men who you see, they're so hurt. And that's why direct on me, maybe hurt from the mother, maybe hurt from other women. And if it happens in childhood, then the process of healing maybe takes longer, but be there for the people being cared for the person is maybe the only thing what's necessary.
At the, no. Okay. There is one or some people out there who don't hurt me, even when I hurt them. It doesn't, I always can choose if I want to hurt back or not.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:34] And that changes the whole dynamic.
My choice, your choice. I think what I hear you saying is in that moment, when you choose not to hurt back, that can change the outcome.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:18:45] exactly.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:46] how. So you've got that choice. You've been hurt though, in those emotions, I'm sure. Still happen inside of you, right? That, that anger is a sadness like, Oh my goodness.
I've just was devastated. How do you shift into not hurting back? What do you do? Like what's your process?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:19:05] After my first burnout, I begin to make further education and I truly can admit that NLP neuro-linguistic programming saved my life because it gave me the understanding why other people are hurting me. And this is that it's most of the time, it's not about me. And this was such an aha moment. And as more as a did further education in psychology and all the different ways.
I begin to create myself resilience methods, coping strategies to these. How can I heal all my hurtings? What I got in all the beliefs and all the values. And I actually developed NLP further on, I was nominated 2009 19 in London for the research award in NLP. And, I didn't got it yet, but it doesn't. But it was so interesting, but because I actually wanted to find myself a solution, everything, what I found out there is the same with the nutrition.
I tried a lot of stuff, but nothing was for me. And I'm a kind of a person give me something. I just create something new out of it. This is what I'm doing for childhood. So I did the same. I created my own coaching therapy style and my own nutrition style, actually only helping myself and then other people came and they asked me, but, well, what did you do that you are in a, such a good mood and also within nutrition and all the things.
And I was like, I, I did this and this and yeah. And we're so interested in it. It worked also with them. So I begin, uh, began on why does it work also with the other people? So I did more research on it and today I can scientifically proof why my stuff works. And we also got a model so that I can teach it to others.
And this was one of many, many reasons why I began writing books. Uh, since 2017 or 18 and have a whole book series, what I publish also with other experts for different target groups and settings and other things. And we are very practical. coping strategies because for me, I actually create only one thing.
I create something what I needed 20 years ago.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:08] So, and it wasn't. So what you created 20 years ago, wasn't available 20 years ago. You had to take the journey to create it. Right. So, so cause you said there were three burnouts. And so we talked about the first one a little bit. What happened? What took you into the second one?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:21:26] it was like I had a very speedy life. I enjoyed my life. I enjoyed my life because I, afterwards, uh, after the first one I was in an international company, that's why I was working in France. And so, the other companies are also, I had really good chances to be, going a career and all the things, but I just oversaw the work life balance because I never learned what work-life balance is.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:50] Oh, because when you were a child, that's all you saw your parents do.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:21:54] and it's just work, work, work. And, this was so interesting. That's why I got my second. I say, I always say I always sought a second one because I was too busy to have the burnout, but I still had it. And most of the time I just had the break than not my hat, but it's just the body breakdown.
I couldn't handle this speedy life. And with the second one, I was like I mean, today I'm a nutrition trainer. I have my own nutrition style and all the things I, I eat very healthy. Back then I had a little different life. I loved fast food, alcohol, everything, and just speedy and, going out and all the things, okay.
You know, within the twenties, thirties, it's it's in my opinion, it's just totally okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:34] yeah.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:22:34] But I always was also traveling a lot and I remember I had one day, uh, one year I moved at least eight times I was traveling worldwide and I was working totally speedy. I had my stuff on five different places in Austria.
And my mom said once to me, where am I at the moment, and I said to her, if I wouldn't travel with myself, I wouldn't know either. Because they had no idea anymore where I am and my mom always wanted to know where I am. I was like at the moment I was enrolled when she was asking me and I said to her, if I wouldn't travel with myself with my head, I wouldn't, couldn't tell you. Sorry.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:13] are some times so that you woke up and you were wondering, okay, where am I today? Like you would wake up and be like, this is a new hotel or.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:23:21] it was not that bad, but after the third burnout, and I still remember, I needed a one month where only slept eight, went to the toilet and slept because I was so, so burnout, I sweat in the night. So this was truly on body level. Totally. And when I began to slow down and wanted to reflect what happened the last 20 years, I couldn't tell you.
I only remember all the stations because of the changes of the work and because of the photos I took from a travelings to remember in which kind of time this was, I was in the truly speedy life in a slow motion movie.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:05] Yeah,
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:24:06] I don't, by the way, I, I don't want to miss any single moment. This was just me.
I'm still, in my opinion, I'm still a speedy, but, 40 plus speedy so slower, still too fast for my mom. And, this is something. If anybody wants to ask me would you change anything out of that? What you had even with three burnouts highly suicidal? I would say no. No,
because it's a part of my life and this, I don't want to say it's like a change steam.
It's like a speedy life and die fast and die young but this is when I see it with COVID at the moment, and I was never so long at home, in one country in the last 20, 30 years. And for me, it's like, Oh, okay. It's okay. So I, I miss traveling, but I'm going at least two to Vienna by train and all the things that's okay.
But not going abroad for such a long time. It's yeah, it's a long time ago.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:03] That's gotta be now. Okay. I want to actually ask questions about that because you do seem like you're very quick and very speedy and you love to travel just based on what I've been hearing. So when the countries all shut down, did you slip into a little bit depression at all, or did you really struggle with the transition?
How, how did you cope?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:25:24] I remember all matureness. And be grateful that I was allowed the last 20, 30 years traveled that much. And this is the only reason why I'm actually truly calm. I enjoy being with my parents. My father had last summer a stroke, so I'm truly enjoying every single moment being there because my biggest fear even 20 years ago was one thing when I was traveling that my parents dying and I'm not here. And I enjoy every single moment being here because as child, I miss my dad, he was working as baker in by day. He was sleeping and I had the chance, uh, 2019 going. I was always the, we are, we have three children and I'm the youngest one. And when I did with my father, travels by ship, cruises, and I'm very clear that it did it because 20 years ago when I was an I, I truly had very good salary and pretty good, good life.
Uh, I don't want to miss that, but I always knew you have no idea how long you have your parents. And being there in the last year with my parents was for me a gift and knowing whatever happens now, I was a daughter. And I was there and now I know more than ever after COVID I will go out again, travel a lot and do all my stuff again.
But with the knowing that I could be a daughter and being around them, that the old could enjoy because my parents are don't work anymore. They're retired. So finally they have time and we did actually a lot of stuff you actually do when you are a child with your parents.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:04] So it sounds like because you came at it with that appreciation perspective and that gratitude perspective, instead of being like angry, like, well now you're home because you were able to come from that perspective, you've been able to generate that relationship that you didn't have back then did now, did that help heal some of the pain from when you were a child?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:27:29] I'm good with my parents because of my own resilience method, and that did a lot of inner child healing, but seeing Seeing the topics of my mom now and seeing her the way she actually was even 30, 40 years ago. And what she's struggling off makes me humble. And I see a lot of people who are struggling with the parents who, uh, in, in have not good connection with the parents.
And for me, it's like, but this, they once were there when you would, when you didn't, when you couldn't go where you're over the first few years, but we can not remember. My father was, he loved to take pictures. So we have a lot of pictures of me as child, which I found out, I think five or seven years ago.
I didn't notice pictures before. And this is interesting because I cannot remember them. Sometimes I was like, really, really? I can't remember because my, I, the only thing, what I always can remember from my childhood is just working. And seeing in such a, in a different way. That's why I'm, talking a lot about reality, how real is reality.
And if you have like, seeing this in a different way also after the stroke, I see my father again, in a different way makes me humble and, more than ever. I go out with my topic only to emphasize others are giving your parents a chance. Seeing them in a different way, because I always say they did the best, even when they were fucked up, when even when they fucked up your whole, they just did the best.
They didn't know in a better way, but maybe you can be in peace with them before they die.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:06] Love that I also really caught on to your question. How real is reality? Can you explain that a little bit deeper?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:29:14] I don't know. I mean, he was famous in, in my country because he comes from Austria. That's Paul Watzlawick. also got very famous in the United States in the Palo Alto group, together with in the sixties together with Virginia, Satir and others who were pioneers in the field of psychology and in the field of constructivism.
And they say that you create your own reality out of your thoughts or out of your values, beliefs, and everything, what you learned. So you can change every single reality. Perception what you have. And they also say how real is reality was the most famous sentence of Paul, Watzlawick. And he actually refers to constructivism, say that whatever we perceive, we believe this is the reality, and this is the truth.
That's why we have Wars. That's why we have conflicts. That's why we have. All the other challenges, because everybody believes that they are in the right position, that they are real, that they, they have the right of having, knowing the reality and knowing the truth. And this is something out of constructivism and there's more as a work with my methods and based on construct division and based on plasticity, neuro science and all the other things when, I heal.
Certain hurtings you perceive the world in a different way. Not out of inside hurtings what, you know, what you believe. This is real, and this is true, but out of a different view and I give you an example there accident. And when you ask all the witness what they saw and perceived, you get always different information.
Not the whole picture, but different information because it always depends on the filters always depends on the view on it, or, uh, also on the values, what you actually see. That's why the reality is not the reality. It is a part of something. What we believe is the reality. That's the huge difference.
And it's the same with partnerships. It's the same with conflict. It's the same, the relationship with your children, with your parents, with whatever you will see your parents in a different way. When all the hurt things, what you carry in yourself are healed.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:30] So it's almost like. Perception and perspective are the deciding factors, which lead to choice. Right? So depending on what I see and how I see it will depend on how I'm going to make my next, my next choice. And so if I look at something negatively or in an unhelpful way, or maybe I just think this person is angry just to be angry.
And I believe that then the choice I'm going to make. Is going to be in line with that belief and not in line with maybe they're just hurting and being more coming from a loving perspective. Is that, am I getting it?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:32:12] Yes. And it's also a concept of quantum physics. They say that everything is for you there. But the choice, what you make makes a difference when you believe everything went, went wrong. It's like Murphy's law, everything went through, everything will went wrong, but if you're in a totally good mood and if you're in totally happy and in the flow, then all the good stuff is coming because that's what you are perceiving.
And that's what you're also sending.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:38] Maybe also that's what we're paying attention to then,
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:32:42] Exactly. It's the same with the pink elephants or with the women. When a woman wants to be pregnant, you only see pregnant women and you always think why is everybody pregnant? And not me, that's just the perception.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:55] So it sounds like it's almost really super simple that what I'm looking for, I will find.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:33:03] Yes. You know, in the spiritual world that they would say it's like the ordering to universe, the quantum physics will say, this is only a timeline. The constuctivist would say, it's always the matter how you, you create your own world. So it depends on the, how you want to see it. And it depends on the perception and on the few you have something, but the something is still there as something.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:26] Okay. I have a question. Let's say it's one of those times in life where things just keep coming at you. What do you do? You know that, that moment where it's you get, at least I know I go there. The why, why me? Why does this keep happening? Or why, what, what did I do to deserve? Cause it's like 10 things come at me, whether it's just, I think maybe they're just meant to be, but beyond that, I still go into, somehow I created this.
Right. What do you do with that situation?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:33:55] no, when something truly shit happens. Not only when shit happens, but a lot of shit, I just smile stand there and just do totally something else, like taking a time off and just be in bed and just wait the next day
Damaged Parents: [00:34:09] So maybe taking that time to process the pain.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:34:12] Not only that, but also look at it if you want to, or just let it flow, we just take way too much serious a child doesn't take everything so serious when you know shit happens.
And this is this way. It's the same with me when I have that. I, I truly begin to smile. I'm like, Oh, okay. Because normally not one thing happens really, but on this day, a lot of weird stuff happens and I'm like, okay, I have to weird day again. I don't want to say it's the planet because a lot of people give the guilt to whatever.
And if it's not, you know, not reachable, then it's definitely the moon. I'm like, yeah, it is the way it's totally okay. And that is one sentence. And it's only because I truly want to become a family therapist and I'm a huge fan of Virginia Satir. And she said, one sentence. Life is what it is, the way we cope.
It makes the difference.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:09] Okay. So that's almost like, Viktor Frankl in his man's search for meaning book. Right?
There's a moment where you can make that choice. If something's happening, it's how I'm choosing to perceive it and also what I'm choosing to do with it. So if I choose to, I think what I hear you saying is if I see it and perceive it as negative, or as somebody purposefully hurting me, then I can take a moment, take a breath, and then choose how to respond.
Or maybe not. But the more helpful way is if I take a moment and respond, I think is what I'm hearing you say.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:35:47] not only, it's not only about responding it's but just.
Is it truly real? Is it something I maybe can learn from it? But a lot of us have subconscious hidden blind spots, maybe through the other person, something subconscious is coming up, so it can be a gift
Damaged Parents: [00:36:04] Okay. Right. And you just said blind spots, which are called blind spots because we can't see them. Right. So how do we, how does one learn? How to see the blind spots?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:36:15] When you take the concept of constructivism then every single person you meet can be a blessing. And if it's whatever they are doing with you or for you, and it's triggering you. So do you, get angry, you get kind of feeling or something. Then there is some hidden stuff in there. If the person is saying this, that or the media, well, whatever happens out there, it's not triggering you.
You don't respond. Then it's the question of responding, not a question anymore.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:44] so one does not have to respond. And if it's. If you're not feeling like you need to react, then there's nothing there. But if you're feeling like if there you need to react or you want to react strongly, then maybe that's something to look deeper inside on. And that, so, okay. So it sounds like that could almost be a trigger to think I've got a blind spot here.
What is it?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:37:11] when you take the concept of the iceberg Modelo, Sigmund Freud he says five to 10% is conscious and the rest subconscious. How do you know it's subconscious? Most of the time it's because someone was something is triggering. You. Then you can ask yourself, is this what's actually triggering me mine or is it overtaking from some kind of beliefs?
What I got conditioned since childhood or not, and maybe there is some learning in there
Damaged Parents: [00:37:40] It sounds almost like needing to be curious about what's coming up.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:37:45] Is it curious or is it just, I love to meet other people. Not only because I want them to trigger me, but when I meet them on eye level, we truly can nurture each other. In what way? Whatsoever. Sometimes you need the kick as angel that you finally see your blind spot that's okay, too. But to nurture each other, to learn more about you.
For me, this is discovering actually yourself, your, blind spots, your subconsciousness. And it's more as I go to this inner journey to know, because for me, this I'm serious. The first, the suicide was so profound and later on, I had a colon problem, so that I'm still alive is truly more miracle than just, you know, on the head.
And for me, it's like maybe I just needed that. I know I must be the person I need to sometimes my slacks and select myself and just kind of situation only to wake up and only just being aligned with me being aligned and open and say, yes, I don't have to be perfect. Maybe for others. I'm totally weird.
And Waco and damaged and whatever. And for me, it's like, That's okay, too, but I'm happy at the end of my life because I wrote my own funeral talk when I, uh, because this was just, campaigning me a lot and writing my own, there was one sentence. And I even said to my best friend, you will tell that to, you will say this sentence on my funeral.
And I said, she did it her way. Is it a perfect way no. It's not, it's not about that, but this is something I fulfill my dreams and I do stuff every time when I'm sitting there and something happens good to me. I was like, I'm a little girl from the countryside in Austria. Uh, I have no idea what I'm doing, what I did there, but it was fun.
I even was on times square with a picture of mine lately. Because it, it was a really, really interesting campaign. And I was like, yes, let's do it. And these are, dreams, everybody of us has dreams and there are so many people at the end, you just see them, they please fulfill your dreams. Who else should do it?
Do something what's fun for you? Do you, every single child of us will be our old children and most of our dreams and desires, we never make into action. And I'm like, why not? We are in a time. We are in a time we can do everything I'm serious. I have. So I have so many dreams and I know I can fulfill them because as we said before, Constructivism when you ask for something or when you, just want to do something, everything comes up.
I met so many people and I even ever have a person who can help me for a New York bestseller and all the weird stuff. I even have context to Hollywood because on my vision board is something I want to have my own Hollywood script and I want to have a movie. And this is so weird. I'm I always say I'm from the countryside in Austria.
Seriously. I it's just I don't want to say boring, but it's uh, thank God we have internet and thank God we are closely connected, but, it's beautiful there, by the way. It's the nature is beautiful, but it's just boring for me. It's just, you know,
Damaged Parents: [00:40:59] Okay. Now I want to ask you something, because you said you can create your dreams, but, and you also said something about being people are afraid to be triggered and maybe I go out and meet people. I can't quote it perfectly, but this is what I remember is almost like you purposefully want to go out to be triggered in some ways to learn more about who you are and without doing that, you wouldn't be able to achieve your dreams.
Did I understand that right?
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:41:26] I laugh since, I mean, I grew up in a bakery. I was sitting next to a lot of people and just listened to them. And more than ever since COVID more than ever, I go out and just be there for the other people. And sometimes it's like, I, since childhood a trick, a lot of grownups, for what reason? I still have no idea.
Maybe it's a gift or not. I don't know. But when I do my coachings, this is something where I'm really good in. But do it, do I want to get triggered? It's not about triggering. It's about meeting others to know more about myself too, to discover. And as more as I talk with others and I just love it.
And as weird or they are is more a learned by the way. And we're talking about brilliant genius people out there who may be not always understand by others, but those people are learnt the most and humans are inspiring. Yeah, so human beings are so creative to it. Do I have to understand everything? No. Am I allowed to, to give, not, uh, you know, pieces in there?
What's also possible because one of my mentor, when you're going from the funeral of a psychologist, he has a personality disorder. And if you have a business. It's the most brilliant business mentor you ever can have because he's modeling. He went through everything. What I ever saw before he's is a, an expert in gamification.
And he opened my world in such a huge way. What's also possible when you unleash or when you get more and more, your subconscious blind spots who you also are, what also your gifts are and begin to lift them. Even when everybody's telling you, you can't do it or you're you are not gifted in that.
It doesn't matter.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:13] Okay. So are you saying, I just want to make sure I understand. So when, so knowing that your friend has a personality disorder, has nothing to do with whether or not they, he could be successful in business. It just happens to be that he struggles with this as his challenge and his damage. But one has nothing to do with the other.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:43:36] Is it a damage or is it a gift? There are so many people out there who were others telling them that they're damaged, but maybe they're the most brilliant people using only. A different part of the subconsciousness. What is another subconsciousness is conscious in this person. I was working for many, many years and I bless all the Autistic and Asperger people out there.
They have their gifts and a truly enjoy working with them. But then on the other side, they have the damage. And yet if you see it in a different view, it can be a gift where we can learn from this people. Not being so emotionally, but maybe in totally focused, what's important in life. And this is what I learned the most from him.
And I cannot say so many times. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Because it gave my own coaching therapist style such a huge, different view. On subconsciousness. And I truly say that none of us has a mental disorder. We only perceive it in a different way. We only use it in a, in whatever story they have, by the way in their life came at this part.
And then also going beyond and saying, okay, this person maybe needs different methods. Different views on something to handle the so-called normal world. But one is for sure, the world, what we have today, it's not normal. It's totally fucked up. Otherwise we wouldn't have COVID-19 and we wouldn't have any Wars.
We wouldn't have any poverty, we wouldn't have anything. So I'm not quite sure anymore what's normal and what's not normal and what is healthy out of it. And if I would see it in a different way, we have a lot to do. Meeting each other on eye level again, meet each other on heart level again, and maybe redefine damage.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:37] And that's the, that's my goal. I'll tell you that much because.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:45:41] It's beautiful.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:42] Damage, is it, it can be exactly what you said, a gift and a lesson and a journey and an adventure. Okay. So three things you would like listeners to walk away with from our conversation or even tips or tools that maybe you didn't bring up in the conversation, but you want to make sure that they know about them.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:46:03] you are unique. Live your dreams the way you want to live them without harming anybody but being healthy, but just lift them. We only live once here and we are now than ever. In a time quality where we can be begin totally new again, let's use it wisely. And we did before and yes, everybody, every single person out there can make a difference beginning with you.
There's one saying what I always said be simply you, no matter what, and nothing else matters.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:37] Isn't that the truth. I'm so grateful that I have gotten to meet you, that I've gotten to talk with you and that I've gotten to hear your insights today.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:46:47] the same. That's why when I saw your podcast, I want to be on this podcast, please.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:52] Your spirit is absolutely amazing. I've loved that. I get to learn any learn from you. I just, I really do. And I'm so grateful to have had you on today.
Bernadette Bruckner: [00:47:03] The same thank you.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:05] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Bernadette about how her burnout helped her find even more beauty in the world. We especially liked. When she spoke with an abundance of love for the human experience and sharing her beautiful spirit with the world. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. . We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.
