Episode 48: Surfing Blind in the Ocean and in Life
Mei Lan Ng
Mei Lan Ng became blind as a child, grew up, lost hope, found it again and has now traveled further. She is down to earth and highly spiritual. She is trained in seeing what is beyond visible, and always curious about life. As a passionate consciousness coach she has learned not only to surf in the ocean but how to teach those others how to surf their lives. She also studied radio productions and social work at the University of Peace.
Social media and contact information:
http://instagram.com/insightout.world
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where blurred confused, lost people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?
My hero is a damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Today, we're going to talk with Mei Lan Ng. She has many roles in her life. Sister, daughter, half sisters, stepchild, girlfriend surfer, and more.
We'll talk about how she became blind, was told she would be healed when she was 18 and then found out her blindness would be permanent. Let's talk.
Welcome to Relatively Damaged Mei Lan, I'm so glad to have you here today.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:01:57] Thank you glad to be here.
Damaged Parents: [00:01:59] Yeah. So you came on to talk about a struggle and why don't you tell us about that? Wherever it started for you. And we will go from there.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:02:07] Where it started. That's already, I already liked that question because I can get to the answer different ways, but the obvious to start with, and sorry, I'm saying that because I think life is in always a journey and then we can call it a struggle or we can call it the journey. They could even like philosophically go there that already being born is our first struggle, but to keep it more concise, I think where we can start is when I was five years old and I had a bit of a cold or flu, probably an, a fever.
And at night my mom. went to the pharmacy around the corner. Just got a simple I know what you call it in English, but it's like a simple medication against fever for kids. Something you can just get without prescription. I took it and from there on, I started to, uh, react like strongly, uh, it was an allergy.
Uh, within the immune prediction and my body face basically started to fight itself where I developed yeah, like burning wounds. And I don't know how detailed you want the story, but basically, uh, it took them a couple of days to find out what it was. And then once they find out what it was, the only thing they could do was keeping me in an artificial coma for like, Three weeks in total, , and where, yeah, I can only say it.
It was kind of magical
Damaged Parents: [00:03:25] Yeah, that sounds scary to me. You're five.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:03:28] Yeah, the thing is with a coma I wasn't there. So I was lucky. I mean, I, yeah, I have hardly any memory from that Bard. It was very scary for my parents and my family of course, because they had no idea what was going on. Nobody knew how it was going to come out of it and if I would survive. And then to just, I guess, just give the context of where. This conversation could be going is I, I obviously survived cause I'm here.
And I developed an a visual disability, so I'm now fully blind, but it started which slowly losing my eyesight, when I was like you know, when I was six, seven years old, that's when it started.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:05] Okay. So you had this fever when you were five, you were put into a coma. Things were fine for a little while, right? Or
Mei Lan Ng: [00:04:12] Slowly. Yeah. I mean, things were fine. As in, when I came out of the coma, I had all the skin conditions because my, at the time, my skin reacted as if I got burned. So that needed to heal and were, yeah, they were focusing on getting the skin healed, but they also noticed that, my eyes also suffered from the same kind of reaction.
So they thought it's a matter of healing. The I, and an important part of the eyes, the cornea, it's actually kind of a little window. We looked through. And that was also, damaged. There was kind of scar tissue. So that was the first year. It was really recovering. My, my hair was growing again because they had to cut it off to take care of me and resuming the skin for the first year.
But that was all in the idea of healing and recovering. And then when I was in schools, when I was six, I couldn't read the boards when I was sitting, I couldn't read the big letters on the school board. And then they thought it was something happened. And then after more than a year, Uh, they actually figured out that the healing of the cornea, this is kind of some interesting metaphor for life , but the healing of the scars on my eye was actually blurring my eyesight.
So it was the healing of it, of the scars made me look through a very blurry window and that became blurrier and blurrier. And then years later, they also figured out that the nerves of my eyes for damage and actually all as a consequence of the allergic reaction and the coma.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:33] So when the cornea was healing, that, which makes sense to me that it would, because that scar tissue would, cover it, but then you find out that the nerves were also damaged.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:05:43] Yeah, I think it, I mean, I'm, I'm not a medical, I didn't have a medical background, but how I understood and what I've experienced, of course, it's kind of a domino effect of like, okay, the cornea doesn't really work. And then there were a lot of infections. And then when a cornea is infected, it creates other problems and that created high pressure in the eyes.
So that's what did they call it? A glaucoma.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:04] Oh glaucoma.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:06:05] Yeah glaucoma the pressure and the eyes high. And if that stays on for really long, then the nerves get kind of squeezed. And so they don't work properly. And it's, I mean, I have all different because I also had got their act and I had all different kinds of eye conditions that usually come by themselves or they come with aging or, but all of it was was.
Kicked into motion as a domino, because of the allergic reaction. But yeah, it's it, for me, it was just line one long period of, from, I was five, the first coma until I was like in my twenties surgery after surgery to try to deal with, the next thing or keep the eye, without infections or keep it healthy.
Yeah. So it's one long period of surgeries and doctors and looking for. Keeping a little bit of eyesight was one of the goals and the other goal was, and I think there's a second pivot point in my story. Was that. Okay. So they saw the cornea was damaged and they, in, in those days, like 25 years ago, they thought we can't do a cornea transplant with a donor coronary or an artificial cornea, on a kid.
Cause I still grow. And the idea back then was we keep, we try to preserve the eye to keep it. Until you're 18. And then when you're 18, we're going to do the transplantations of a cornea donor or an artificial one. And then you'll see again, that was the ID. So I grew up from when I was six, losing slowly, my eyesight learning braille, learning to use a cane to walk around, et cetera, with the idea.
This is a temporarily. And then when I'm 18, they're going to do the surgery. And then I'm going to see again, all the medical background. I didn't really. Yeah. I didn't even fully understand or ask him of questions because it was just like we do, we need to do all of this so that eye stay ready for the transplantation.
That was the idea.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:55] So you're having all these surgeries with the idea that you will get better, that there will be a fix down the road. So every time you go into surgery, you're probably thinking, or I'm wondering if you're thinking, yes, I'm doing this because I know that later on, I'm going to get to see again.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:08:15] Yes. I mean, not sometimes not that consciously, because that's the beauty of, having this. Conditions as a younger child, I was very flexible and I was just like, everything was an adventure and it's still a mindset. I like to keep it going into the hospital and surgeries. And it was all, I mean, exciting as maybe a bit exaggerated, but it was all.
I took it with that kind of adventurous mindset and I was just needs this needs to happen. And it's just something special. And, and sometimes it's painful, but I just need to be the good kid and find my way through it. And then of course, in the back of my mind, but when I was that young. I mean when you were six, thinking of what I'm going to be 18 at sounds like forever, like way back in the future, or way forward in the future.
So I was just being a good kid and being brave and I guess just dancing with whatever came on my bed. But when I was like a teenager, when I was 12, 13, 14, and I also, yeah, some somehow it's more emotional period in your life, but I also felt I was becoming less flexible and less like, Oh yeah, it's the old adventure I just wanted to see.
And I wouldn't do, we like the kids in my class and then I really anchored this. Point in the future. I was like, really my, anchor point, like, okay, it's going to be over it's temporarily. Things are going to be different when I go to university, I'm going to see again and then everything that, but it was very, I didn't, I, I thought about it in the, like in this, this is my point of hope and that's where I, I, I fixed my view on, but at the same time, I didn't really.
Because I had to wait, so it's not that I was feeling, how's it going to happen? Who's going to do this. Where are we going to go? That only was when I was 16, my parents started to investigate like, okay, how, where, which hospital when? And then pretty quickly they figured out that it wasn't going to be possible.
And that was for me, really. If you ask me, like, where did your struggle start? I feel it started there when I was 16. I had 10 years of becoming, slowly blind. So when I was 16, I could still see a little bit light and darks and colors and shapes. but yeah, practically blind. And then my doctor said yeah, I don't know if the surgery that we're talking about, if it's actually gonna make a difference.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:29] Okay, so you've gone through all these surgeries. You've gotta be tired of surgeries at that point, but you still had this hope of the future when they figured out that it did, it might not work and you're getting this bad news or that it's. Not going. I'm not sure did it, was it? I at 16, was it, might not work or was it definitively it's not going to work.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:10:49] uh, it was one doctor's appointment where she first Bob dropped the bomb. Like it might not actually make a big difference. You might not see that much better. And then, there was a period of, uh, looking for second opinions and then a couple of months later, it wasn't definite in a hospital in London where we really thought decided specialists of the world.
They said like, there's really nothing we can do because the nerve is damaged. So even if we replaced parts of the eye, uh, which we can do, it's not going to make a difference because the nerves are damaged. So that was then the final bomb.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:21] So when you were sitting in that last doctor's appointment where it was at that definitive? No I'm thinking even before those appointments, you were still having hope like this one doesn't know what they're talking about. That one doesn't know what they're talking about. And then you get to the last one where you felt more definitively know what it was, what happened inside of you?
What was going on emotionally for you in that moment?
Mei Lan Ng: [00:11:46] I really feel when I go, back to that memory, I really feel it was my body. My body was crying. So I started to cry like really slowly, just the fear streaming down. And I really felt like my body was in grief, immediately, like instantly and, very pure, but my mind was just somewhere else.
I w I just. I left the room with my mind. I was just like, okay, I dunno, what's going on? I, that was complete brain fog. I remember my father was with me in London and he reached out and he was also like, yeah, I was in despair and asking the doctor, but then this and this, and have you tried this? And he was really, but he also reached out to me and I just even couldn't really stand him.
Putting his arm around me. I was just like, whatever, I'll just sit here. And I, the best metaphor I have, I felt like, a candle going out, you know, like just, and then there was this smoke spiraling up and that's how my body felt like, okay. I just, fading away. And then what, I'm still really, really grateful that my body did the grieving or like the morning or whatever at the moment.
Uh, my mind needed to get up years later. But in that moment I was just like, okay, whatever, this, this,
this isn't really happening. I guess.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:57] right. And I think it's really interesting that you said. Your body did the grieving in the moment. And then it was years later that your mind caught up. So let's talk about that transition from that moment. And it kind of like what happened next and how you did and, and what that was like for you.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:13:16] yes. I wasn't, I was in the middle of of high school. So I had, I don't know. Yeah. In Belgium we have where you go to high school until you're 18. And so I w I was in my last year or my fifth year, I guess, but it was There was this weird. I mean, afterwards it looks weird, but there was a very practical mindset of like, I need to pass my exams.
I need to finish the year. I need to have good grades. Like I need to go to school. I mean, that was like the most important thing. And I'm still afterwards. I'm surprised that, and I, I'm grateful for my parents that they kept me moving forward and just, yeah. Continue with life. I mean also nothing practically changed.
It's not that I became blind when I was 16. I had older software at all. The special aid I, everything was in place. There was no, but it was the same impact emotionally, like, I guess all of a sudden becoming blind, but nothing really changed. So of course I went to school the next day. And of course, so that was all very.
And I think it was in a way good for me at the same time. I remember half a year later, a couple of months later, I said to my mom, yeah, I said it would be actually, I think it would be nice if you're like in this mental hospital or like a psychiatrist, institution, if somebody puts you in there.
So that's what I said when I was 16
Damaged Parents: [00:14:34] So were you mad at her? You're mad at her. So you wanted her to be in it?
Mei Lan Ng: [00:14:38] No for, for myself, like I said, like, Oh, it must be a good feeling when, I mean, when somebody puts you in there for me, like when I would be yeah, in a mental hospital, I think it's funny. And she, at one point, like in one side, I'm really grateful that she was just like, yeah, I get that.
It's kind of like a holiday from your life and you get to focus on yourself, but you didn't really do anything. And at the same time, I'm like, Hey, hello. That was like my weird way of saying. I need help going to school is heavy for me. Just going on with daily. Life is tough. I want to be in a mental hospital and have time for myself.
Again, at the same time, I'm also grateful that you didn't like, goal somebody to like, there's a problem. I, my daughter is suicidal because I wasn't suicidal. She didn't panic over it, but it wasn't, I mean, it's kind of weird as a 16 year old, your desire to be in a mental hospital, but it was what I was kind of looking for it.
Now that I know mental hospitals, I don't think it gets, it wasn't the best place for me, but I needed a place where it was all about my grief, because it was big and it was 16. So then everything is more dramatic anyway,
Damaged Parents: [00:15:42] Yeah. So you're grieving that even just the possibility that you're going to see again at 16.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:15:49] grieving for the future. How poetic it may sound, but I was grieving my own future. The loss of my future, really, because I had a very clear idea. I had this idea of what I was going to do. I was going to play tennis and I was going to, I had a couple of other friends who were also blind or partially sighted.
I was going to take them on road trips and I was going to travel the world with them. And I was going to give a big party. I even in bed, in my mind, I used to practice my speech for on the party after the surgery. Like it was very detailed and I had very clear. Ideas of what that life was going to be.
Like. I also had the huge illusion that it was going to be perfect, but I had a plan and I was just reading, they took the plan away. They took the future away. And that was really weird because daily life didn't change at all. But the future changed, which is, I think it's interesting also the power of the mind to make that so real that somebody can take it away.
It didn't exist. Right. It wasn't. Yeah. I think that's fascinating that. It's very powerful when we create, and then somebody thinks that a way by actually is something that never existed.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:52] Yeah, I'm really fascinated. And just thinking about it also for me making this idea that my future is going to look a certain way and then it doesn't. And as I was telling you, I also have a disability and remember, and I'm not sure, I think you did this up until 16, but even, like that insistence that there has to be a solution.
And I think in some ways society tells us that when there's a problem, there is a fix. So it sounds like you had to reconcile between this idea that for so many years there was going to be a solution. And then all of a sudden, now there's not, and society didn't have the answer. The doctors didn't have the answer and that's really hard.
I think.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:17:38] It is really hard and it's also, but then maybe I'm skipping a years forward, but it is also really powerful because it, it gives me the skill of really being with there is no solution and there doesn't have to be a solution. You don't have to be fixed. I mean, You might be damaged and you don't have to be fixed.
Isn't that the ultimate freedom? I wasn't there immediately at all. I mean, I'm almost 30 now, so I'm skipping more than 10 years ahead, but there is huge beauty in that and freedom and peace and, but that's not where I started.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:11] right. So how do you get there? How does one keep moving forward to get to a point where we'd like to where you are now, where you can see it as an adventure?
Mei Lan Ng: [00:18:24] I think, I don't know, I'm not a psychologist. I don't know the exact stages of grief, but I think I did like the ignorance and then the resistance and all of that. There was the first short period where I, when I talked about it, I want to be in a mental hospital and where, where every day was tough and where I cried a lot, but it was short because I had to move on with life with school.
That was really short period. And then I went into the complete denial. I think it's not that I really denied it consciously. I spoke about it and I sometimes was able to say like, that's difficult or it's weird. But I went into this mindset of like, okay, I'm going to prove to everyone. That I'm not really blind.
Like I'm gonna, I'm going to do everything. And I wanted to go study journalism. I decided I'm going to do it. And it was my plan for when I could see again, which I'm just going to do it anyway. And then I don't want, I'm going to do it in the city where my parents live at. I got to do it in Brussels and the Capitol, and I'm going to live by myself and I'm not going to just live by myself in a student house I'm going to look for my own apartment. I'm going to do it all by myself. And then when we do internships, I don't do it like everybody else around the place where I live, but I'll do it abroad. And then when I do a second study, I'll also do it abroad. And then I will not just study abroad, but I will do it in another continent.
And I went on and on and on like that. And that I wanted to, I don't know, do sports and I want to run a marathon before from 25. And then. Everything was extreme. And I only see it now. I really wasn't aware of it back then, but it was all about, and every good feeling I had about it was when I did something that I would have done when I was sighted.
But that wasn't enough anymore. I went to, this is better than what my sighted friends are doing. this is more extreme. This is further away. Yeah, I maintained that state. Like, I stretched it. Over seven years. I think so when I started university, I was 18.
And then the second, you call it the second point in my story or to say the next struggle was when I was 24, 25. So there was an it, I think it burned me out literally already on 25, but I, took the seven years of it. It ain't gonna stop me deal. I couldn't even stop myself anymore. And where, when I.
I remember I was looking for an internship when I did my second master's degree and I find something, close to home, like where my family lives. And I was like, nah, not gonna do it. And then I was, disappointed when I didn't get the ones in Chile or in remote villages in the Amazon. I was disappointed and I blame myself.
I'm not getting there. It was way beyond where I needed to be. That's the first long phase. That also brought me a lot. That's the thing I did for my entire entire life. Like, I'm really still young, but I don't regret anything. It's just that I see everything has consequences and costs and that phase brought me a lot, like crazy experiences.
And I have a foundation to build on. I stretched myself beyond my own limits, which is. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it just gives a broader, like my comfort zone is bigger now. Probably it was exhausting and also not really necessary. And I, and then when I, finished my second master's degree I lived in Palestine for three months where I did an internship and then I came back home and I.
I applied for the job that I always thought I wanted in social profit like, advocate for Palestine. And it was all like what I thought I would be. And then I worked there for three months and I have full-blown burnout. Like I was like, I'm 26, I'm working or neck. I was standing at 25. I have a part-time job for three months and I'm burned out.
So I was like, what the heck is wrong with me?
Damaged Parents: [00:21:59] Right.
you think part of that was because you pushed and pushed and pushed
to do things outside of your comfort zone.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:22:07] I made life very, very exhausting. I mean, The world is usually most of the world is not made for somebody with a disability. I think you can also testify to that. Most of our environment is not made the way it would work for us, like with a disability. So that is already exhausting. If then the world also like my daily life has to be.
Extreme and I con be okay with myself. If I just spent a day at home where the environment works for me, like then that is so logical that it's too much.
I wasn't aware of it at all.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:42] Yeah. So I think when I heard you say is. You were tired of working and then you also wouldn't take a time out for you to just be at home and to give yourself that, that room to be.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:22:55] Yeah, I mean, if people would do who know me, it would hear that would be like, no, she's pretty good at hanging at home. That's true. But the thing is, I am still, the hardest thing is to be hanging in my pajamas and be okay with myself. So I, I literally exhaust myself with the guilt and with the, with the feeling bad about myself with that.
Only, I mean, this, this steps into self-love. I could only love myself if I was doing something that was way beyond what people expect from a blind girl. Every time I was doing something that was just normal or are already more than what other blind people do, then I wasn't, then I'm done it.
Wasn't loving myself. And that's what exhausted me emotionally. And then that goes into physical. If you keep it on long enough.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:40] So it sounds like you wanted to be normal. And blind, like you did not want being blind to define who you were and in order for it not to define who you were, you had to do these others. And I want to understand why guilty. What was the purpose of that guilt? Do you think?
Mei Lan Ng: [00:24:01] Hmm. Yeah, I'm taking the time to really, because it's, it's a big one also still in my life because guilt is such a useless feeling, but it's a big part of my emotional , life, or like, it's always present. Guilt because I think, Hmm. I usually. And I'm also a consciousness coach. So I work a lot with this concept.
And I dig in deep and I find out that I still have this kind of confusion, living inside of me between guilt and responsibility, assignment, big fan of like, you can create your life as you want. And there's the power of the mind. And there's so much we can do. But if a foundation of self-love is lacking, what I see.
I turned it into guilt I turned into. So you can do everything with your life that you want, but if you're not having a masterpiece of life, it's your own fault. And that sounds logical, but the words, responsibility and guilt, Gary, a very different charge, like a very different feeling. They feel different.
Uh, but it's my, it's my mind using it against me, I guess. And then paralyzing me Indian, like burning me out and then getting stuck because of that. Yeah. That connection I made between responsibility and guilt, I guess. That's does that
answer the question?
Damaged Parents: [00:25:13] I think so. I think for me when I feel guilty it's because I think I should be able to fix it, or I should be able to find the answer. and I'm thinking in some ways maybe that part of you is if I can't do it exactly like someone who can see, then you're not maybe fixing the problem
Mei Lan Ng: [00:25:38] Yeah. And that speaks to what I really liked that you said like society has this, this mantra going on, like, if there's a problem, you need to fix it. You need to find a solution. And so if I can't fix the outer problem of being blind and I at least have to fix myself and my life so that it's not impacted by it because I also have this conditioning, like we shouldn't be, it shouldn't be damaged.
Right. We shouldn't be, there shouldn't be problems. It should all be perfect and everything needs to solution. And we all need to be fixed. I guess. That's what's. internally, going on we know, of course I've consciously.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:12] right. Yeah. I think that's why my hero is the damaged person, because all of us are damaged. It's just a matter of owning it or not,
Mei Lan Ng: [00:26:20] Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But the funny thing is. Cause I'm aware, I kind of like set the opposite before. Like isn't it beautiful to be okay with? There is no solution. And I think we all like to start of layers and I also do a sort of there's this one layer that, that is so convinced of like, this is, and I am starting the last year is really to say, to honestly mean that I wouldn't want life to have been any other way than it has given to me right now.
Like I really. And at the same time, I'm also very human and I'm still fighting against the second layer, like an undercurrent dead we're, programmed into what you said. Like, we need to have a solution and we need to fix it. And if I can't fix, being blind, then at least I have to fix my mindset.
And then I have to be this crazy adventure that does everything because then it's gonna be, it's gonna be solved in the end anyway. So is this two layers together? That kind of give me stuck and move me forward maybe slowly
Damaged Parents: [00:27:19] Yeah, no, because it's a very, I do believe it's a very complex, it's not either or it's
Mei Lan Ng: [00:27:27] Exactly. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:28] And so can you be independent and blind? Yes. And. You can also feel guilty when you don't hit the level of expectations that you anticipate you need to hit because in your mind you feel like you need to get there.
And if you don't get there, then you're not a success. And if you're not a success, it just kind of trickles down. If you will, uh, back to, I should be able to live in this world. The way I want to live in this world, period.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:28:00] Yeah. And then you can also mix in the ingredients of how people are portrayed. I mean, I don't see them, the pictures in magazines, but there's not many role models that really fit my conditions. So I'm also constantly. I wanted to say contaminated with like my, my mind is, kind of polluted by all these role models on social media, in the media, just people around me that I then start comparing with unconsciously.
So I not only have to find a solution because we all have to find a solution, but then we also have to be a certain way. I mean, don't even talk about as a woman, you need to be thin and you need to be this and this and that. But I also need to be the super successful Disney kind of success, Hollywood success.
That's all, even though I don't consciously take it in, I do believe it's kind of hanging in the air and we just uploaded all the time in our system,
Damaged Parents: [00:28:52] When you said that something just popped into my mind as an idea. And I think what it is is when we do see disabled people in the media, they're highly successful.
therefore, maybe the idea is if I'm disabled, I'm not considered successful unless
Mei Lan Ng: [00:29:10] Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I, I, that really resonates. I think. So the role models, I mean, to, go into a poor us, it's like the role models we have is either they don't have any disability and they're. perfect. And we're trying to be like them. Or we have a role model of that that is maybe in the exact same conditions, but then they're indeed they're they're aired and put in the spotlight because they did something amazing.
Like they changed the world. So the two options I have is trying not to be blind or trying to change the world, but I don't often see stories of a blind person just having an amazing household and being really happy. And that's it. And the funny thing is that I. That's the curse and the blessing of social media.
Of course , I get this all. You're so inspirational and it's kind of a drug that I, got addicted to, posting pictures. When I go surfing, everybody's like, Oh, you're such an inspiration. And I'm a, I'm an okay. Surfer. Like I'm, uh, I'm not bad, but I'm definitely not like a world champion.
And everybody likes surfing. So I don't say that if I wouldn't be blind people, wouldn't like the pictures, but that you're such an inspiration. And if you can do it, everybody can do it. And that works against me as well. Yeah. Yeah. It just feeds the, I need to do inspirational stuff and it needs to be somehow special.
It needs to be somehow different. It needs to be unexpected. And then people are going to like it and then they gonna love me. And then it feeds into that. What I had set up for myself already, like, I want to prove that I'm not blind the whole, you're such an inspiration.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:40] Yeah, I see that. I understand that
Mei Lan Ng: [00:30:44] And I mean, everybody was listening and whoever called somebody with a disability that did something amazing and inspirational, like, I don't want to make them wrong. I don't want people to feel bad about it. I think I put high standards sometimes, but this is not something that I don't judge anyone for doing it.
It is like this. It's a conditioning in our society and it's so, underneath all this conscious leaders, Yeah. I don't want to judge anyone for not being aware of it. That's why I'm speaking about it, but I don't want any, anybody to feel bad. Like, Oh, I shouldn't be inspired by a disabled person that goes you should, but there's, there's layers to it.
And there's things underneath it that are not always positive. And it would be amazing if we would all be aware of it, that would change the world. And I'm okay with that. We're not there yet, but I'm also. Yeah, I believe I'm also here to keep up the mirror like maybe this isn't completely who we want to be actually, without us being aware of it.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:38] Yeah. And I think what I hear you saying is yes, while I went surfing and that is fantastic and great because most blind people won't even attempt that. Please also love me for who I am, and that may not always be a cert B being a surfer.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:31:55] Yeah. It's yeah, absolutely. The most important and urgent message is towards myself. Like, do love me for who I am also when I'm not surfing. And also when I'm, sitting on the couch and Netflixing, and so, so that's towards myself, that's highly needed. And at the same time, It's so, yeah, I'm, I'm, fascinated by just talking about it with you.
It's so deeply ingrained that even in the coaching industry and in, when I post, on my Instagram of videos, like, Hey, I just want to do it. Just share a video to tell everybody that I'm feeling awful today. And that I also don't know how to deal with this whole COVID situation. Like I shared, uh, I shared videos like that as well.
Like I'm just feeling awful. And then getting likes for that as well. And then it turns into like, the same kind of pattern. Like, so, but yeah, I mean, maybe this is taking us too far, but that's the whole, when where's the point
Damaged Parents: [00:32:46] Hold on. I think it, that took me a second to process. I think what I heard you say is that. Even posting a video of saying how horrible you felt got the, like, even though it was opposite ends of the spectrum, but simply because you're blind, the surfing and the I'm feeling horrible today that then this horrible video, not horrible video, but this, this video of you feeling horrible, got the same amount of likes. And then all of a sudden, maybe you start to want to identify or share all the horrible things.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:33:21] Yeah, I identify as a spot on word. I think it's about
did you have that? I have to inspire whether it is with, like, it was the first. Phase was like surfing, studying abroad and going everywhere and just the big adventures and the extremes. And then the other extreme is like the adventure of authenticity, which is a beautiful journey as well. But then also that shouldn't be doing press or to inspire.
And that is as toxic, I think as the other one for myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:51] You were using it to impress or inspire instead of, because it was true for you.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:33:56] I mean they're yeah. The thing is, they're both true, but yeah, it's true and it's important to speak up, but it also has this trap of looking for approval basically, and in the, first part and like the surfing, et cetera, it's, I think what we do where we all do and it's easier, but then in the, coaching, the personal development, personal transformation world, there's this other kind of conditioning that we should be aware of that also there.
Authenticity honesty facing your feelings. It shouldn't be something that you shouldn't do that with an achiever mindset or with a finding approval mindset.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:31] So what kind of mindset would you want in that situation?
Mei Lan Ng: [00:34:35] What I'm looking for growing into is is, uh, the very pure experiencing it for myself and the allowing things. Both the adventure and the extreme on that end, but then the other extreme of the real sadness to really experiencing, let it pass through with that. Nothing needs to be fixed mindset.
And for me, that is really what that is for me next, next, next level. Like not just accepting, not being okay with. Pain in your life because you know, being okay with it, will make it go away easier, but really being okay with pain and literally being able to say like, this is yet another experience like yesterday I was high on a, on, I dunno, a family party or being, being love.
And today I'm really hurt and I feel grief. And that is also yet another experience without needing anything from anyone else. I mean, that's far out and it's definitely not where I am, but for me, that is. That is my way of that is what I want to grow into to really not needing, to be fixed on any level.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:41] So it sounds like. Not needing approval from the other people and just standing true to who you are and being okay with one moment can be, you can feel super successful and happy and joyous. And the next minute, maybe not so much. And that's okay.
So. Someone told me the other day. And I picked up on, on what you were saying.
It says, don't look at me like I'm broken and need fixed. I don't need fixed. This is just how I am. And I thought that was a really interesting statement because I picked up on, on what you were saying in the same sense is like, So if you're not broken right now and I'm not broken right now, because part of the human experiences is this complex, experiencing from the broad spectrum of emotion, then how does one become okay.
With that? That's actually a really deep question.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:36:36] Yeah. And I think that is my, my journey that. There's because he said human experience. I, when I zoom out, so let's say I really believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We're not humans having a spiritual experience every now and then I think we're really, I dunno, souls that have a human experience.
And I it's one of my, coaches and the trainings I did in my own personal development use the analogy like. You're a soul and you're somewhere in the universe and the Milky way, And you're going to a travel agency and say like, okay, I want to book a holiday to earth and I want to be a human being for awhile.
And then you go through the catalog and you kind of choose the experience. There's no, I mean, my soul choose I want to be born in a. In a sighted body. And then I want something to happen to me that I'd become blind. And then I want to learn how to deal with that. And then in the end, I don't know what my soul picks, it's definitely not the end yet.
But there's no judgment of good or bad of successful or not successful. Good enough. Not good enough. Sad, not sad there. I believe. Our spirits our souls don't have that labeling and they just have, Hey, what would it be like to be a human being that's blind and experiencing all of this? Like, I'm just curious, what would that experience be like?
And I think that is what we want to be forgot as souls, I guess. Or it's, and it's also part of being a human being that we do have the labeling that we do have the. Wanting to find approval, needing love, uh, feeling broken, feeling damaged. It is actually part of being a human being that we're looking for.
This that we're thinking about is that our mind gets our, gets us trapped. That all of that struggle is deeply, deeply human. So I'm not saying that I'm not, I'm not expecting to be enlightened in a couple of years, but I think that the human need for figuring this all out. Is what's, what's making me move forward on the journey and maybe come a bit closer to what my soul actually already knew, but not much because I'm going to have a human experience and this whole struggle is part of the human experience.
So this becomes very like a very meta conversation, but I think it's also being okay, like, okay, this is a human experience. And just getting all lost in. I need to be fixed is part of the human conditioning. But the fact that we are having a conversation about it also then makes me realize that as a human, specie we're moving closer to that consciousness and that awareness of like, we are a spirits, having a human experience.
The fact that people are talking about stuff is becoming part of what we think about. I do believe that that is moving us as humans, closer to that spiritual part of us. I mean, I, I feel that's yeah. Coming up more or less years than it
Damaged Parents: [00:39:30] Yeah. And I think also. One big message. I'm getting from your thought process is accepting the full spectrum of the human experience. And so therefore if I know that there's going to be struggle and I accept that as part of my journey, then it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make the struggle any easier.
And yet maybe it makes it more survivable.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:39:57] It makes it just so real. It's like the, as deep as your pain goes that's as high as your highest will be, or I dunno, that's literally how you say that with like the deep, the deeper your lows, the higher your highs or something like that. So it's like enriching the experience and I'm, I'm now at a point, Dre, I think at my deepest moments of pain are when, when like the deepest wounds get triggered in daily life that I have signed the weight, just dive into the pain or let the pain.
Be there fully and really, and I have the same with joy. I can just be at home with my boyfriend and just being like, Oh my God, this is our life is so good. Like look at our living room and us together. Nothing's going on really, but just a pure joy of like, hell yes, we're alive. That intensifies equally as the pain is intense.
For me that is. And that is also a very human thing too. Like, okay, I'm going to allow all these feelings because there's a game, there's a profit, but that is helping me right now. Like, that's, is a way I can surf these waves right now. Like okay. There's, just, it's more intense, but it's more rich and it's more real.
And I want more of that. Uh that's yeah, that's what my mind needs to further expand into allowing everything.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:11] So almost like you're embracing the complexity of the human experience and giving it a great big hug and saying
yes.
Yes.
Which is so hard.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:41:22] Oh yes. Absolutely. Giving me busy most of my days.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:27] Right and confusing. And you know, so that's the other thing I'm hearing is once it doesn't matter. There's just this complex, confusing, messy experience of being human and having a disability might make it a little more challenging. And yet maybe not, maybe everybody has that damaging moment, whether it's a physical, like you and me, physical disability or emotional or intellectual. And if, we all go there, then wow. I might look at someone differently when I'm walking down the street.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:42:04] And the thing is a disability makes daily life more challenging. I agree. Like I, don't buy when people say like, no, it's all it's no, it has disadvantages. Definitely. And if we look at it through the spiritual lens, like, like we just did, then what if this is keeping us closer to the whole core of this business?
What if having to deal with, how do I accept myself? How do I accept daily challenges and really have space for all those emotions? What if that is the actual main essence thing that we need to do here in life? Then I feel very fortunate that I'm, I'm only 30 and I am, I have so much opportunities to learn how to struggle on how to deal with things.
And I. I have a friends and also clients in my coaching business are double my age and are struggling with what I've struggled with 10 years ago, just because they didn't have opportunities to, to actually figure it out because they didn't hit the wall yet because life was really kind to them.
And then now something happens, but they haven't been really treated really kindly by life for 55 years. And then what now they've never actually had to struggle with things. So. Yeah. If I look only through the spiritual lens, I feel super fortunate. I've learned so much. I've been fighting with so many different things because I haven't even like told the end of my visual disability thing.
Cause I lost both of my eyes and they had to replace it with artificial eyes, which was for me the ultimate letting go of everything I was holding onto for so long. And that's. One of the biggest spiritual lessons, like do not be attached. And I was attached to something very much. Like I clinched to it and then they took it away.
They took it away slowly. And then the final piece was, and they did the last surgery and I became fully blind, but it was an enormous journey on the spiritual. If I look at it spiritually, like there wasn't. I'm so glad that happened. I'm so grateful when it was horrible.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:57] Yeah. Yeah. And it can be both.
I think that. Is so important to recognize. In fact, we've kind of, we have talked about that throughout our conversation about how it can be both. It can be miserable and it can be glorious and
rewarding. and is it harder to live in a capable world with a disability?
Definitely. Am I grateful for the struggle? Yeah. Am I. And I hope that other, you know, I, I am even with COVID for me, it seems like more people have had to, had the experience of being, being crippled. If you will. I'm just going to use that word and stuck at home and being in, and here I am, you know, like you were a super adventure, unfortunately my body limits me to, to that, but, and I'm sorry that they had to go through it.
And yet I'm also grateful that they got to, the others, got to experience what it like, what it is like to feel crippled and, and have that struggle.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:45:00] Yeah. The, the beauty with COVID is we're literally all, I mean, most countries, most people you're put at home and you're locked up and this is all your gut. And there's literally nowhere to hide. I experienced the same thing. I was. I also really had tough times and I'm used to being limited in, in, in, in my movement even, although I traveled the world, but I know what it feels like to think nothing is possible.
And then to look and look and push and poke around until you find a hole in the wall that makes it possible. I know that. And still, it also stirred up deeper layers. It stirred up deeper parts of me that, that felt. Or that needed to be to be felt and needed to be processed that, yeah, that's the thing would struggle.
It's like I have like half a metaphor in my head, but it's kind of testing. How ready are you? How willing are you? How much do you want this? And every struggle definitely. COVID. Is a test. Like what in you is still needing something so that you can be okay with it. What in you, are you pushing away?
What feelings are you day in daily life? Not feeling because you don't have space for them. And then, I mean, if, the whole world is press pause, then you gotta look at them. And I think it's, yeah, I find it difficult time as well. And I, I can complain a lot about, I cannot do this like this, and I was, I was relying on, on, on my social.
Networks, like all the people around me that many people to make things possible to go shopping with me to do this, to do sports. I was all with people. And then now we're not supposed to be close to anyone. So my whole life, I was like, shit, I had this great solution for everything I had. I fixed it.
And now I'm faced again with like, yeah, but some things are just damaged or broken or difficult. And they've invited me again, like ever struggled us. It's an invitation
to look deeper and to heal too.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:47] Do you think with each new struggle you're more capable for the next one, that you have more tools that, that it's a little, maybe it's a little bit easier.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:46:57] Dented to say yes. I mean, yes. And, I would say I would phrase it like with every struggle you become more. Yourself, more human, more full and rich as a person. Cause I don't want to trick my mind into like, yeah, let's find struggles and then we'll become more capable and then we're less disabled.
Like, no, no, that's not good there. When you become fuller , as a person,
Damaged Parents: [00:47:20] Yeah. Okay. So time is about up. so I would like to know three things for anyone listening that you would like them to know tools or tips.
Mei Lan Ng: [00:47:30] One that I'm really, really big on is. And it's a big one for me as well. It's like the illusion of the one other perfect life. So it comes to choices or events like I've been for a long time. I've been stuck on if only I didn't get the disease and the allergic reaction when I was five, then my life would have been perfect.
It's as if there's this one crossroad where I took the wrong turn and then everything. And if only then that moment would have been different than everything would have been perfect. Well, that's a great thing to get trapped and I think everybody has like that. One or maybe several things if like, if only that wouldn't have happened or if only I wouldn't have, I dunno, my partner cheated on me to have a divorce or anything.
That one moment you hang on to, and at one crossroads, it is such an illusion. And for me, it was really liberating to let go of that and to see that every single choice. And we make choices all the time. We've million choices would have made a completely different life, but somehow our mind decides to focus on that one, crossroad that one moment, that one perfect life, and it gets your energy stuck.
It gets your life and it's stuck. So I want like, just invite people to look at, to zoom out further and to really look like, okay, It's a matter of surrendering and accepting that our lives is one enormous network of choices and enormous network of opportunities and a billion zillion, more, uh, opportunities created.
And that there's not one more ones where we get where we lost everything or way we could have gained everything. Just really letting go of that fixed illusion of that one perfect life.
The second one, I would also formulate as an invitation to live from questions.
As I said before, like the. Finding anyone who does something that you think you couldn't do inspirational or finally thinking that having a disability must be awful all the time or any assumption? I think it comes through assumptions. I think that creates a lot of suffering in the world. So if I could get a message across to like never assume anything anymore, then I would, back it up with this invitation to always come from.
If it comes to anyone else, if it comes to another person, to their life, to always comfort from the question and to, also actually ask the question, like, how is this for you? How does this feel? How is your life, how do you do those things and not assuming anything? I think that would change the world if we would never, ever assume anything about each other. And then the third one, Ooh, Hmm. So anything that I want people to know
Damaged Parents: [00:50:00] anything. Tips or tools or just one
Mei Lan Ng: [00:50:04] one last thing. Yeah. I think it's still remember that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and that it's just it's yet another experience. If you could keep that mantra in your mind forever, that's what helps me with anything. If it's annoying, if it's tough, it's brutal.
If it's, and also if it's beautiful, but we think we needed more for the painful moments. This is yet another experience. And then it's followed by another one.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:31] Awesome. Thank you so much. Mei glad
Mei Lan Ng: [00:50:37] There's so much more to talk about it. We could, I'm sure the two of us could have done other conversations.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:43] We totally could. We so could
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Mei Lan Ng about how she is consistently curious. We especially liked when she taught us how we can make the future so real in our minds that we think it's been taken away when it really never existed in the first place.
To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents.
We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.
