Episode 49: You’d Never Believe All This Happened to Happy Jackie
Jackie Roby
Jackie Roby is Chief Excellence Officer at Inspired Journey Consulting, a Boston-based business dedicated to wellness, healing, and transformational travel. She is a sales strategist & social media amplifier for healing and wellness travel businesses. Jackie is a Diversity Equity Inclusion advocate with over 19 years of experience in travel and hospitality sales. IJC's vision is to create a world where marginalized people feel empowered to be their authentic selves, where traveling is a tool for inclusion, to enhance the cultural wellness in the travel industry, and grow emotional intelligence, healing, and self-care for a kinder humanity.
Social media and contact info.
https://inspiredjourneyconsulting.com/travelcanheal/
https://www.instagram.com/inspiredjourneyconsulting/
https://twitter.com/IJCpresents
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jackie-roby/
https://www.facebook.com/IJCpresents
Podcast transcript
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where lost hurt, injured people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less fun. Like we aren't good enough.
We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistent to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Jackie Robie. She has many roles in her life, wife, daughter, sister, step-mom, chief excellence, officer business and person. Business person and more. We'll talk about how sometimes that overall feeling of unconditional love can sneak up on you and how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome Jackie, to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We're so glad to have you here.
Jackie Roby: [00:02:07] Thank you so much. I'm really grateful to be here, Angela.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:11] I'm so glad, you know, every time someone says that and we're talking about a struggle, I just think, wow, I am the luckiest person in the world to get to hear these inspiring stories every day and then get to pass them along. Like I just to be the conduit is an absolute honor. It's just an honor. So thank you for allowing me to be that conduit for you.
Jackie Roby: [00:02:33] Oh, absolutely. That's beautiful.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:35] Oh, thanks. Okay. Now you are here specifically to talk about a struggle. And yet I have this question I want to understand, because I was reading over the question sheet that you answered, where you are called a chief excellence officer. And I want to understand how you came up with that and where it came from.
Just the backstory, because I love that idea.
Jackie Roby: [00:03:00] Yeah, well, Inspired Journey Consulting is my business. So I'm in charge and there's nothing basic about me. So I didn't want to basic title. And I would say actually, I asked a lot of friends for thoughts of, you know, they're my strengths, what they thought for titles. And I got a bunch of ideas and I ended up going with chief everything officer, and then one of my other girlfriends came back and said more like chief excellence officer.
And I said, Oh, done quick change.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:31] What do you like about the word excellence and why does it fit so well for you?
Jackie Roby: [00:03:36] Hmm. That's something that I. Strive for, I look to be a better me every day and bring that kind of joy and success to all of the clients that I work with.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:50] So it sounds like when you think of the word excellence, maybe part of that is leaving room for growth.
Jackie Roby: [00:03:57] Oh, absolutely.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:59] Yeah, that it's, that you don't have an ending point. That it's a continuous process. I love that idea because it's not definitive.
Jackie Roby: [00:04:10] Exactly.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:11] Okay. So knowing that I'm betting this journey of struggle is going to be very interesting. So I'd like you to just go ahead and start your struggle, where it starts for you, and then I'll have questions along the way and we'll get into usually along the way, we'll, we'll figure out how you're finding that hope and courage throughout that process.
Jackie Roby: [00:04:31] Definitely. Well, I would say the beginning or what maybe felt like the momentous occasion was my first boyfriend who was abusive my first serious boyfriend
Damaged Parents: [00:04:47] So what does abusive mean
Jackie Roby: [00:04:48] He was emotionally abusive, isolating. So it was a very, it was a situation of domestic violence. I was isolated from my people, from my parents, from my world.
For example, the commentary. I remember I bought this great lipstick, you know, and I like makeup. It's just part of me. And he said, I hate it. When you wear that, who did you get that for? One day he said, if you ever cheated on me, I would kill the guy. And then I would kill you.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:20] How old were you when this happened?
Jackie Roby: [00:05:22] I was 19 and I was so deep into the relationship that I remember thinking, well, I would never cheat. So it's like, it just shook off of me. I didn't even sink in of what he said. I just kind of let it go.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:38] You used a very interesting word to describe where you were in the relationship and you said I was too deep into the relationship. Can you explain what that means?
Jackie Roby: [00:05:47] Yeah, you can't see sometimes when you're in scenarios like this, it's like, you're just too close. Right? It's like standing in front of a billboard, almost your, you don't see what what's really there. And
I just wanted to be loved. And I didn't think that anybody would love me. So I was grateful to have the attention.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:12] Okay. So in some ways, might you say you were changing yourself for him?
Jackie Roby: [00:06:17] Oh, yes, absolutely. Because I was not seeing people that I would see before because he felt uncomfortable around them, including my parents. So it was our world or his world. I let things go, that I never should have just to appease him and keep him,
Damaged Parents: [00:06:38] okay.
Jackie Roby: [00:06:39] make excuses for them.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:40] you're, you're pushing away your family for the simple reason that he says I'm uncomfortable or was he unwilling to be uncomfortable for you or maybe a little bit of both. I'm not sure.
Jackie Roby: [00:06:54] I would say that I was not. Strong enough or empowered enough to use my own voice and even question him
Damaged Parents: [00:07:02] Okay. So how did that happen over time? Or was that something that you just wanted love so much that you were unwilling to question at all from the beginning?
Jackie Roby: [00:07:13] a little bit of both. You know, when we first got together, I felt like I was empowered. Like I was making the choices and then the more I got into the relationship that flipped.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:24] Can you give an example of when you recognize that happening? I'm not sure if you have a specific example, but that would be fantastic.
Jackie Roby: [00:07:33] Wow. I would say. I got pregnant. I was 19 years old, so made a decision, and he didn't take the day off of work to go with them. So my parents, took me, that is one of the key moments that I can think of, of. Just making excuses for him. He has to work. He can't lose his job. This is important.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:56] So then. Okay. So I think what I'm hearing you say is in that example, what was important to you was not important to him. then continuing after that, maybe you didn't maybe because that happened, then you didn't see your value with him. So then standing up to him was not an option maybe.
Jackie Roby: [00:08:19] to be honest, I, it could have been earlier.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:22] Yeah, no, it could have, I'm just trying to, what I would, I guess I want to do is I'm trying to do is understand where just maybe having that a situation in which you described so that when someone listens, they can go, yeah, I, maybe not that same situation happened to me, but that resonates and Oh, I am doing this and this isn't healthy. And how do I get out of it? And what's that process. Does that make sense?
Jackie Roby: [00:08:53] sure. Absolutely. So prior to that, I would say my, he met my parents. We would go and spend time with them. And when he talked about being uncomfortable with them, I would try to get an understanding of what exactly made him uncomfortable. And he just said they just make me uncomfortable. So then I would go back to them and say, you're making him uncomfortable.
Can't you be nicer trying to fix it?
Damaged Parents: [00:09:18] Okay.
Jackie Roby: [00:09:19] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:20] So that might be a tip if I'm if someone's starting to do that with people that are just that, and there's no definitive answers that may be, this might be leading into an unhealthy situation.
Jackie Roby: [00:09:32] Yes. Yes. And like I mentioned, the, the lipstick was something, they obviously the cheating commentary. I remember I went and bought new pants and they were black pants and he said, I don't take you anywhere where you'd wear those. Who'd you buy those for, it was very defensive
He would tell me that if I ever left him, he would kill himself. That's a big one. And at the time I thought, Oh, he just loves me so much.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:01] So how, and when did you start recognizing that? I mean, you're 19 at that point. So. At what point did you in the relationship, maybe start to recognize it as a problem and how, how long, I guess from there, did it take you to even start recognizing, and then what started happening inside of you to see it?
Does that.
Jackie Roby: [00:10:25] it took a few months later. So through the beginning of our relationship, I had dropped out of college. And then I went, decided to go back in the following school year
I watched how he interacted with people. I still stay, we still stay together. But then I started to get frustrated. I was staying at his home. I didn't feel safe there just because there were a lot of break-ins I guess the car had been broken into multiple times in front of his house. And I, at the time I was 20, I was 20 years old and I worked at Starbucks and I had a 6:00 AM shift.
So at 5:00 AM or five 30 in the morning, I had to walk a few blocks to take the bus and I wanted him to drive me there, go with me so that I didn't have to walk and he wouldn't get up and do it.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:16] And it's scary right now because there's been break-ins.
Jackie Roby: [00:11:20] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:20] Okay. So you're starting to recognize because he's refusing to take you. Okay.
Jackie Roby: [00:11:26] Yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:11:27] And what are you thinking inside when he's saying no.
Jackie Roby: [00:11:30] I'm thinking,
I'm sure there was a part of me that thought, why aren't I good enough for you to do this? But then also irritation. Like, I, I don't ask for much and I don't feel safe. Why isn't my safety important? And then there was a time where I was getting off in the evening. I was closing the store was closing at nine, nine 30 at night. And he was supposed to pick me up. I was waiting and waiting and the dark outside, nothing. So I.
I believe I either caught a cab or called a friend. I think I caught a cab and went to his house and I was so angry and I, I picked up dinner for him. I had
Damaged Parents: [00:12:10] even that night
Jackie Roby: [00:12:11] Yes. Before not being picked up, I was holding dinner to bring home to him. And he was asleep on the couch,
you know, just excuses. I, what are you, what do you want for me? I'd been working. I was tired. I came, I forgot. Sorry. You know, but not really. Sorry. And I was so mad and I remember I had those bag of chips and guacamole. I threw them and I'm not somebody who anchors up my first emotion and throw it. Like, it just, that's not me.
It felt so out of body. Then I called a friend and I said, I'm out of here.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:43] Okay. So for you, was it really that fast? I mean, you just left that night
Jackie Roby: [00:12:49] I didn't leave for good that night. I left that night, a friend picked me up and he was screaming outside the door and he was pounding on the glass door and I was scared. And I think he came to get me wherever I was and he was crying and saying he would kill himself if I left and please forgive him.
And I went back.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:09] That's a lot of responsibility someone's like,
Jackie Roby: [00:13:12] Yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:13:13] and did you feel, were there feelings of guilt shame? What do you think your feelings were in those moments?
Jackie Roby: [00:13:21] confusion.
Frustration.
I felt a little helpless. I felt stuck. I didn't think I deserved more than what I had. I thought this was what life was giving me and I was lucky enough to have a boyfriend. Yeah. And it wasn't until a few months after that, I was at work again at Starbucks. Again, everything seemed to happen at my part-time job and this One of the vats of coffee that are 180 degrees fell on my legs. Yeah. I had, you know, I had these burns, so I had to go to the hospital. So I was in the bathroom with ice on my legs and he was working.
So I didn't call him. I called my parents and they lived about 40 minutes away and they were driving to get me to take me to the hospital. And he randomly popped into the store because he had gotten a half day and was just coming to say hello. And I told him, and I said, would you take me or stay late and come with me?
And he said, no, I want to go home and go to sleep.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:21] was the feeling in that moment? When, I mean, you've got these hundred and 80 degree burns on, on your legs, you're already in pain, you're miserable. And then he just says, no.
Jackie Roby: [00:14:32] there's almost a sense of like embarrassment, right? How am I going to explain this one? That happened a lot. How am I going to explain this? That's where I think a lot of the shame came in is how do I tell people, how do I defend it? How do I make it look better?
Damaged Parents: [00:14:47] Defend him.
Jackie Roby: [00:14:48] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:49] That's interesting. So even though he's caused a tremendous amount of pain, you still want to defend him. Okay. So your parents come, you go to the hospital. You said you, I mean, you already went back before once or twice. What happens next?
Jackie Roby: [00:15:07] So this was the turning point where we had to remember it was dressing bandages or, or what happened with it. But I had to be out of school and out of work and have, you know, be monitored for like two or three days. And so rather than driving back and forth and to be accessible to the hospital, they got a hotel room.
And so the three of us stayed in this hotel room and it was really my first significant amount of time away from him. And that is when all of a sudden it was like, things just cleared up. You know, you walked away from that billboard. You could see a bigger picture. And I realized I don't want to be with this person anymore.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:51] I have to ask. Were your parents telling you this is a bad situation or was it, or were they just being supportive and so that you were able to recognize that on your own? think there might be a difference between the two.
Jackie Roby: [00:16:05] Oh, absolutely. I would say during those days, no, they weren't talking about him at all. It was just us being together before. I'm sure they did. And I'm sure I got defensive and you know, I I'm sure of it. I thought nothing's good. Nothing's ever good enough for you guys. Whatever I said for all the times that I ever had a crush on anybody. But this time it was just us being together. I just got to relax and it felt lighter.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:31] Okay. So it actually helped in some ways that they weren't, if you will pestering you How horrible this guy was for you.
Jackie Roby: [00:16:41] It gave me clarity
Damaged Parents: [00:16:43] Cause they weren't, you were able to get that clarity. I really wish I understood how that worked.
Jackie Roby: [00:16:48] yeah, I know. And you know, I'm a, a step-mom to a tween now and it still drives me crazy, you know? And in each day we keep saying like, we'll tell you something and then you walk away and she doesn't listen. But a month later says I found some on YouTube and there it is the same thing.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:06] Isn't that the nature of the teenager though? I think what did, Oh, what do I, I have teenagers too. So what I, call that is they're declaring their independence and I have to respect it. I hate it as a parent. I absolutely do. It sounds like you do too. Yeah.
Jackie Roby: [00:17:21] Yes. Oh, it's the worst. But that
those days changed me. I still didn't see that what he was doing was abusive. I just saw that I needed to get out
Damaged Parents: [00:17:32] Okay. So the very first little thing that happened time with parents, not talking about it going, Oh, I need to get out. So did you start making a plan? What's did you go back? Tell us what happened next.
Jackie Roby: [00:17:47] yeah. I had a plan. I ended up extending my time with them because I missed them and I spent five days with them where I didn't necessarily need to, and that felt safe. And then I went back to see him. It was, I was going to be working the next morning. And I brought a backpack and I packed everything that I had brought there.
And I remember saying, Oh, there's just some things that I wanted to bring back to my place that I keep forgetting. And they're here. Hey, remember he said you packing, like you're never coming back. I'm like, no.
And then I left the next morning and I gotta be honest. I mean, I probably sent him a text message. I, I, I don't think I was brave enough to get on the phone and call him and break up with him or I definitely didn't want to do it in person
for
Damaged Parents: [00:18:38] Can I ask a question about that real quick? I'm wondering if like the in-person you were afraid you would go back on what you were working so hard, that strength and that courage, maybe that you were finding to leave, maybe was that going on for you or what was going on for you? Do you think that it could not possibly be in-person
Jackie Roby: [00:19:01] Yeah, I think that's a good part of it. I know I was scared of conflict. I was the, I had the role of peacemaker in my family. I was a people pleaser. So saying no that wasn't comfortable at all.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:18] so it was really scary then for you
Jackie Roby: [00:19:21] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:22] the best way you could do that was through text.
Jackie Roby: [00:19:25] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:26] To stay true to yourself.
Jackie Roby: [00:19:28] Yes, and I needed to get it done. That was the thing I needed to leave. Get it done and like a bandaid, just rip it off.
And then, it didn't end because he kept calling and texting. And I, at first I would answer, I would try to have the conversations, but that, that didn't go well. And I was interning at a nonprofit, the child rescue foundation, and they help families that kids from families that domestic violence and the executive director, Joann Capell.
She said, do me a favor. Take getting a book out just for me, just do this for me. Write down the dates and times that he's called or text, or what have you write down if he's left messages or not write down the tone? The what he said, just, just do that for me. I said, okay, sure. So I did, and it turned out that within the first 11 days he had contacted me 70 times.
And that is what I used in court. When I went for a restraining order.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:36] So he would not stop.
Jackie Roby: [00:20:38] No,
Damaged Parents: [00:20:39] Was I'm thinking it was probably really hard to hold that boundary at first, because you had sent a text on purpose. So what was that like?
Jackie Roby: [00:20:48] it was scary. And I remember my dad taking me to the police station to file a harassment charge, and I thought this feels dramatic, but okay. Okay. We'll do that. And you know, the Joanne coaching me through how to get the restraining order, being there to support me and him contesting it, having to go to court. And I also didn't know what he would do. Cause there were some messages where he would just slander me in them. The things that he said his assumption was I was cheating.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:22] you had clearly broken up with him.
Jackie Roby: [00:21:24] yes. And, but I had done that because there was someone else or not, because I just made a decision that it wasn't good for me.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:32] So how did you keep your courage in those moments or even did you, I think, I don't
Jackie Roby: [00:21:39] I know it was because of
Joanne from child rescue and my parents, my dad in particular, who talked to me more about my safety and that these were signs and that they wanted to keep me alive.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:59] You're so lucky to have them in your life. God's there. Joanne's there. It sounds like it's still really scary though, to keep putting one foot in front of another. you went to the police, so you had to file it, the police station first, the harassment, and then that was contested in court or does the police report was filed in, then you had to file up a court thing or did it automatically get filed of court case?
I don't know.
Jackie Roby: [00:22:27] I gotta be honest. I don't remember. I think, I think I had to go into the court at the time to file the restraining order. I think we did the harassment thing at the police station. I think I had to go into court. And this was in Colorado. So I had to go into court to do this. So then the, you get a temporary one, they get a copy of it.
And if they contest it, like you're given a court date and basically if they show up, it means they're contesting it. If they don't, it just immediately turns to a permanent, he showed up to contest it.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:57] And so now since you left, I'm, I'm thinking, this is the first time you've, you're in the room with him since then. And how hard was that?
Jackie Roby: [00:23:07] That was terrifying.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:08] And could you even think, or were you sweating what physically was happening?
Jackie Roby: [00:23:13] Oh, I know I had anxiety. I'm sure that my hands were shaking. My voice was probably wobbly. But I, I had my facts. I had my family there to weigh in there. I think it was, was it project safeguard? There was another, like an advocate from the court that was there with me to support me during the process too.
So I had people, I had my people there and I just kept looking forward. And the judge granted it. And w what she said was, you might not think to him, you might not think any of this is serious, but I've seen too many cases where it looks just like this and the ex-girlfriend ends up dead. And I don't want that for her.
And I hope for you, you get help.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:58] I've got to know how did that feel to hear that from an authority figure and you're standing there in this room and you've been terrified all along the way. What, what happened inside for you?
Jackie Roby: [00:24:10] There was relief and there was a bit of terror because it was that real.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:17] So in a sense, it became more real
Jackie Roby: [00:24:20] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:21] that it was basically leave or die kind of I don't know what keeps coming to mind for me a little bit. Is it maybe that was a little bit of a wake up call the whole yes, the whole process was, but when the judge says it, I think it hits that next level. I'm not certain. I'm just wondering if for you, because in my mind, that's what I'm thinking might be happening.
Jackie Roby: [00:24:46] So there is this, there's almost this
adrenaline, right? I think it's the adrenaline that gets you through it. And that was the release. So that's where you can sit back and go, okay, this is done. And wow. What just happened this past a year and a half. And then I ended up going a few months later, not too long after for counseling at a place called safe house Denver, because I thought, okay, I contributed here. How did I let this happen? How can I make sure I don't find myself in a space like this ever again?
Damaged Parents: [00:25:24] You used the word contributed. Can you explain to me what purpose that word has in that situation for you?
Jackie Roby: [00:25:33] There are times where we in many, most, I would say cases in our life. We have choices. I had a choice to leave a long time ago. I had a choice to use my voice and I never did. I stayed, I stayed when all of these things happened and I felt blindsided by it. So what did I miss? That's what I wanted to know.
What did I miss that I didn't see. And. I wanted to feel more in control
Damaged Parents: [00:26:01] I think when you say, so it was almost like, where are my blind spots and how do I manage that? it didn't, cause you said it was a few months later that you decided to go to therapy. So did you think at first, so this is over. I don't have to worry about this anymore and then realize, Oh, well maybe I'm picking the same types of people and I want to do something about this.
Jackie Roby: [00:26:23] yeah. I, you know, I didn't date after that. No, I didn't date after that. I just spend time with, with friends and in my sorority and was in my senior year of college. That was it. I didn't really think about it. But then when I started to think about my future, I realized I needed to, I wanted to, if I wanted to ever date again, which I did, then I needed some help.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:46] Okay, so that you could learn to pick safe people in a way. I think that's probably the best term to put to it.
Jackie Roby: [00:26:54] Yeah. I wanted to have a healthy relationship.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:58] how do you, how would one figure out how to define if, if they're in situations like what you have been in, how do you figure out? Because it seems like it's really easy to go back to, like you were saying, you thinking, if I don't make these changes, I'm going to go back to the same thing. So how, how do you make those changes?
I guess is the best question.
Jackie Roby: [00:27:19] Well, it's about learning the red flags to look for and setting boundaries, learning how to set boundaries. That was a big one.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:27] So did you ever, when you were dating after that wonder, is this really a red flag or am I just thinking it's a red flag. Did you ever question yourself?
Jackie Roby: [00:27:38] Never in a romantic relationship again. No.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:41] Okay. So if you started questioning yourself, then it was like we're over because I'm questioning myself.
Jackie Roby: [00:27:46] Yeah, no, I wouldn't say that. I felt really clear in what red flags I was looking for and I would err, on the side of it's not going to work. I would rather be protective of myself.
And that changed. So my dynamic with dating, I looked at it then instead of wanting somebody to like me, to me, wanting to make the choice of what makes sense for me.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:16] That's really interesting. You said that because it flips the whole idea on it, on its head for, I think for a lot of people, because what I hear you saying is it's not whether or not they like me anymore. It's whether or not I like them.
Jackie Roby: [00:28:31] Yeah, exactly.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:33] So how would someone shift? I mean, did you just make a choice? How did maybe you learned it in therapy? How did you figure out, or, gosh, I guess the better question might be, how did you find the value in yourself to be able to make that.
Jackie Roby: [00:28:47] Hmm. That, that counseling was so great. And I, I did a lot of exercises around it and we did a lot of conversations showing what those red flags were, what had happened, seeing the signs of abuse that I didn't know about and the national domestic violence awareness website, they have incredible signs to look through.
You can see what emotional abuse looks like. You can learn about gaslighting. And yeah.
When I learned about them, it was like this light of, Oh yeah. Okay. I didn't know that. Okay, great. So I actually would go back and I would review them. And I
Damaged Parents: [00:29:31] go back and review symptoms or signs.
Jackie Roby: [00:29:35] Every relationship, every single one.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:37] Okay, so you would just go to that website.
Jackie Roby: [00:29:40] And
Damaged Parents: [00:29:40] That's
Jackie Roby: [00:29:41] would look for it. Yeah. When I was younger, I had the notes in hand. As I got older, I went to the website. I always went back and I reviewed to check and make sure because I was not going to be there again.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:52] Okay. And at any point in time, did you, cause I, I hear you're definitively saying I'm not ever going to be there again. So in, at some point in time, did you flip from, I'm not going there again to, I'm going to have healthy relationships.
So instead of looking at what you weren't going to do to what you were going to do.
Jackie Roby: [00:30:15] Yes. Yes, absolutely. The next serious relationship I had in my early to mid twenties was very healthy and loving and wonderful.
I remember when my mom tried to use a red flag comment on it, it angered me cause I was like, he's not, this is not an abusive relationship. That's where that goes. You know, even, even today to this day, I could say we had different dreams, but it was healthy. So that's a beautiful thing.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:44] What do you do in that? So let's say we've got someone who's at your same experience, they end up in a relationship like that. It doesn't sound like that's the relationship that that relationship went on very long was part of it. Just recognizing that there are different dreams and it just wasn't going to work.
Jackie Roby: [00:31:02] Oh, that next one. Oh yeah. Uh, that's the kind of thing that we don't think about. And I didn't either. I thought, well, this is his dream and I'm flexible. So here we go. But intuition kept coming at me. So he wanted to spend his life in Colorado and I didn't, I wanted to move. I wanted to travel. I kept meeting these women or hearing stories about women who would tell me, Oh, I moved to this other city.
I didn't know anybody. I moved to the side and it kept coming up and I kept thinking, I'm so just enamored by them. And I think they're wonderful and I admired them and I thought, Oh, I wish I could do that. I saw that dream and it felt so close, but the person I was with that wasn't his dream. So I just kept squashing mine until one day.
It was just, I had a realization that even though I tried to shift it and say, Oh, we'll get married, get married. Like that's going to solve it. But maybe my dream can be this way. And I said, why don't we start a wedding fund?
and then it became, Oh, why would we spend all this money on a wedding? You've got a house to fix. He did that house and then it became, okay, well, what about we travel then? And I remember I had a road trip that we could go on and he backed out and wouldn't even go on that. So I was like, okay, this is never going to happen.
Whatever future that I'm looking for is not happening here, but I love him and I'm going to stay until I gave myself an expiration date. And then before that, I had an opportunity that came my way to move to a city that I had named two months earlier.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:39] Oh, wow.
Jackie Roby: [00:32:40] And I took that chance. That was 15 years ago.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:43] Okay. So it sounds again though, like you almost were putting yourself on the back burner again, that you were so not almost, but you were so close to even solidifying that your dreams were not important. And was that the red flag that your mom had pointed out or was it something totally just off the wall?
Different.
Jackie Roby: [00:33:08] It was off the wall.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:09] Okay. Okay. I had to ask.
Jackie Roby: [00:33:11] Yeah, it was, it was off the wall. But when I finally made this decision, the people closest to me and my best girlfriends and my sisters, they just knew it was right. Everybody felt it.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:26] Okay.
Jackie Roby: [00:33:26] a move to make
Damaged Parents: [00:33:28] Right. And that's, still a little hard and scary and sad. And it's, I'm thinking you still felt a loss for that relationship.
Jackie Roby: [00:33:36] Oh, God. Yeah, that was a tough one. I mean, he was so I can't describe what his emotions were. I'm not him, but he didn't take the morning off to drive me to the airport. So here I am, again, a friend drove me and
yeah, I thought I finally found somebody that I love and I wanted to marry and it's healthy and wonderful.
And I made the choice to leave something healthy. I think that was the thing, because for a while I would go back and doubt myself. Did I do this? Did I do the right thing? Should I just, even, you know, years later in times of struggle, I thought, should I move back to Colorado? Why would I do that?
You know, my, it didn't make any sense, but somehow that felt like I could just pick back up where I left.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:21] Where at the last safe place,
Jackie Roby: [00:34:23] I think
Damaged Parents: [00:34:24] in your mind, the last, okay. So how do you, you keep going, when you start struggling then like that, or how did you, in those times, what did you do in your mind and your soul?
Jackie Roby: [00:34:40] So I've learned a lot of really great tools throughout the years. I journal, I get a lot of that out of my head so that I can get a clear picture. I. Have been in therapy for 14 years. That is a gift you give yourself. I
Damaged Parents: [00:34:57] what it hold. I'm just going to ask a question real quick about that. Therapy is a gift you give yourself, explain that, please.
Jackie Roby: [00:35:05] it's a form of self care. You have the chance to talk to somebody about your feelings, whatever they are with no judgment and just support. And I really appreciate the clarity that I've gotten about myself and how mindful it has made me in all these years to understand my trauma triggers. And just all sorts of things about what makes me me, or what has along this time and to say, okay,
I pick myself apart. I know that I pick myself apart physically. And when that happens, what I've learned because of therapy is I'm feeling out of control somewhere else. So I try to control that.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:53] that's really interesting. So I'm thinking because it's been 14 years that, and it's sounds like it's continuing that. There are probably some, there are some good times in there where maybe therapy isn't as necessary. And then there are times when it's like, Whoa, I need this. And explain how that, because I think a lot of times people think, Oh, I'm I go to therapy, I get it done.
I'm over it. And I'm not going to need it for the rest of my life. So can you explain some of what that process is like?
Jackie Roby: [00:36:28] definitely when I started in therapy, it was because I was falling into my first dance with depression and I didn't know it was that, but I knew I needed help. And then for a while I stayed in it out of fear because I didn't want to end up back where I was years into it though. I started to understand and value it in a different way. So for example, when my husband, my now husband and I moved in together and we had my stepdaughter with us half the time I had to. Figure out what it was going to be like to be a step-mom and have a blended family and live in the space and what that was. So I sought out somebody who specialized there because I wanted to have an outlet, you know?
Cause your girlfriends just love you. Right? And I didn't have anybody who exactly knew what I was experiencing. And that was really helpful. That's continued to be really helpful because it gives me great guidance and perspective. And it's so much more than that, but I just realized it's just an additional level of support that I have.
And what I learned from actually from falling into a deeper depression was how to ask for help and. I'm okay with having that consistent help. I think it's great. I need to take things off of my shoulders. And there are times where it's, every other week times where it's every three weeks or once a month, whatever that is.
I know that I have that there
Damaged Parents: [00:38:00] So, what I'm hearing you say is maybe it's once a month, maybe it's three. It could be every single week. It just depends on what you need. And I think I picked up on something else too, that maybe it might not be the same therapist that you would use dependent. Like your step-mom you found this one therapist.
So it sounds like there might be different supports if you will in therapy. So it doesn't have to be the same person. And I'm thinking, so I'm thinking you probably think gain different tools from the different therapists.
Jackie Roby: [00:38:33] Yeah. I mean, you think about it. You have different friends for different things. You go to different shops for different things. And as you grow and change, you might need something a little different. So I'm always learning. Like I said, excellence is about continuing to Crow. I love that. And I have been grateful to each of them throughout my stages of growth for what they've provided and what I've learned.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:01] Right. So it sounds like it's really important to understand what you're needing in that moment and match that up with what the therapist can give you, because just because they have the therapist and their title, if you will, or whatever other names that comes by, right. Or, or acronyms or whatever, that, that doesn't mean that they're most definitively the best fit for you in that moment.
And that's okay. They don't have to be right.
Jackie Roby: [00:39:35] Oh, yeah. I mean, I I've only had one experience where I said, this is not for me because in the first session she told me to leave my fiance. My now husband don't do it. Stop being a step. Mom. It's not worth it.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:47] Okay, so aren't therapists supposed to, okay. Hold on. My mind was just blown because my thoughts when I think of a therapist is that there, I mean, we're all human. Also. However, a therapist is supposed to be my understanding and please tell me if I get this wrong is supposed to be trained in a way that they don't bring their baggage.
And if they recognize that that they check themselves and if they are, then they need to step away.
Jackie Roby: [00:40:20] Yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:40:20] Okay. So it's okay. If you are a patient or a client of a therapist, and you recognize that they're pushing you one way, instead of asking thought provoking questions for you to say, this is not a good fit. I mean, the hard thing I'm thinking though, is most people are going to therapy. They've experienced a trauma. They're struggling in their life. Maybe they're not seeing value in themselves. So I think maybe it, if, if I were in that position, I might need permission. So maybe we could just let anyone know listening? I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'll just say it. I give you permission. If it's not working, find a therapist that is helpful.
Jackie Roby: [00:41:03] yes, absolutely. It so much of it has to do with the personality fit. And then, you know, these, some of these other things that have happened throughout the years has been reading, learning and utilizing wellness and healing travel.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:19] So, so in addition to therapy, what I hear you, what I think you're saying is in addition to that, make sure you're investigating and learning and utilizing the tools available. Don't just think it's therapy on its own.
Jackie Roby: [00:41:33] there's so much that's out there to support you. Why not take the support? And that was one thing. When I came into wellness and healing travel was understanding that it is there and could have potentially sped up my healing, a bit learning tools that were available, because there's so much that sets you up for success to take home and do the work on your own.
And I'm still learning and consistently discovering new things. Last night, I was on a call and talked about setting up what your priorities for your life look like, your, what you demand, what you know, your non-negotiable, what you want. And then what you're kind of curious about, and to ask yourself these questions and take this meditative, walk a walk just by yourself.
Reconnect 30 minutes, no music, no nothing. Write the question down beforehand, take that with you and then come back and write down what came while you're there. What a beautiful practice. There's so much that we can continue to learn to help us on our journey.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:38] So it sounds like even from what you're saying, rethinking the possibilities is also really important.
Jackie Roby: [00:42:44] Always, always.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:46] Okay. Listeners, you keep, you could see this, but she just, she totally was like, abs you know, the look on your face was just like, well, doesn't everyone know that. And I'm thinking maybe, maybe not, but, you know, because that's so ingrained in you, it's, that's a gift to give everyone else. Is that ability to rethink, I think.
Jackie Roby: [00:43:10] Well, thank you. I, after all of these years of work and the continued work, because it's just a journey, you continue to find ways to heal yourself, which is beautiful. I don't want people to think it's stressful. I think it's beautiful because you can always feel better and who doesn't want to just feel great.
Okay. You can re-imagine you can grow, you can change.
And I. Remember being in the depths of so many of these lows. And I know what it felt like. I also know that where I am now getting on the other side of them, I never felt as joyful and happy and satisfied as I did before the lows.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:52] And I'm thinking now as the more recent lows have happened, you're you've also learned just the look on your face to find joy in the midst of the struggle that it doesn't have to encompass all of who you are that struggle doesn't have to become your identity.
Jackie Roby: [00:44:11] exactly, exactly. Identifying, I am not. The girl who fell for an abuser in college. I am not, the college senior who had to get a restraining order against her boyfriend that she told everybody she loved and feeling embarrassed about that. I am not the woman who fell into a depression and didn't think she could get out of it.
I am not so many things that I thought I was being defined as I'm me. This is part of it. And there are incredible things to be grateful for every day.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:46] It really sounds like you're saying yes, this happened and I am this person today. It's not. You're not cutting off that part of who you were. You're saying, this is part of me and I'm still this amazing woman. In fact, maybe you aren't that you wouldn't be this amazing woman without those experiences.
Jackie Roby: [00:45:09] Oh a hundred percent. I know that those things, because not only did they happen and I survived them, but I've healed because I did the work to heal myself and release pain and, continue to stay open on that journey. It makes me light years ahead of, what I could have been. Otherwise
Damaged Parents: [00:45:32] Yeah, I really love your story. And I love the hope that you bring to the table. So three things, tips or tools you've already given a bunch along the way, but which three would you like to make sure that people or listeners focus on after they hear this podcast?
Jackie Roby: [00:45:52] Number one, please go to the national domestic violence awareness website. Look at the signs of abuse and recognize that abuse is not just physical. Okay. Knowing that is half the battle. Second asking for help is a sign of strength. Third, you deserve everything. Everything that you dream of,
Damaged Parents: [00:46:15] Thank you so much, Jackie, for coming here today, we are so lucky and I just, I really want to thank you for going to that really tough place that we went to earlier in your journey and for your vulnerability. I greatly appreciate that and I'm sure the listeners do too.
Jackie Roby: [00:46:33] Oh, thank you, Angela. It's funny. It's been a while and it still hits home.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:38] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Jackie about how she escaped the clutches of a narcissist and found peace. We especially liked when she spoke with an abundance of love and forgiveness. For those that hurt her. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on tik tok look for damaged parents We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then
