Episode 3: I’m a Narcolept

Alicia Harris - narcolept

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where tainted smashed, ruined people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling. Or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about in my ongoing investigation of the damaged self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There's a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.

These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero, today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice.

The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them today. We're going to talk with Alicia Harris. She has many roles in her life, daughter, sister lover of all humans, narcolepsy and more. We'll talk about how she couldn't figure out as a teenager. Yes that's. Before cell phones, her parents always seem to know where she was the distorted feeling of being asleep yet awake. And how narcolepsy is a superpower to her. Let's talk.

Hey, Alicia, welcome to Relatively Damaged.

Alicia Harris: [00:02:12] Well, thank you. Good to be here

Damaged Parents: [00:02:14] I'm glad to have you here. So we're here to talk about struggles and how to overcome them. And what struggle would you like to share with the audience today?

Alicia Harris: [00:02:29] Well, you know, it was interesting when you and I were talking about that before the show about struggles in general and what we've gotten. I, as I sat there and thought about him, I went back and forth on which one, as well as what I actually should probably consider a struggle. Which was an interesting thing. So, um, cause some of my struggles are my strengths now. And so I kind of tossed it around and I thought, well, maybe I picked one of those.

I picked one of those to talk about a pretty big one for a teenager to go through back when I was a teenager, um, my, I come from a family of six kids, so I have a large family. I'm the third. And my mom said that growing up, I was so easy that she actually had to. Make time and remind herself to go play with me when I was a toddler.

Cause I was content, you know, I just watched, I was content. I watched the world, I was content. And so she actually had do that. So picture that kid and K the one watching the world and happy creating whatever I was creating. She said, you could give me some scissors and a magazine and I'd be happy for hours cutting and collaging.

And that was the kid I was. And then I hit about 13 and I started to hallucinate. And when you're a 13 year old going through everything you're going through, and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm seeing stuff. No one else's man realizing no one else is trying to explain that. To your parents, right.

Who are also seeing a 13 year old daughter, um, look different than she used to. I dyed my hair, blue, black, you know, all these fun things. So they're seeing all that. And at the same time it came, I all happened right around the time. I don't know if you recall, when they had the big push on TV for, is your kid doing drugs?

Do you remember that campaign?

Damaged Parents: [00:04:34] Oh no, hahaha

Alicia Harris: [00:04:38] I am showing pretty much every sign that they list in those commercials. Right. I knew I wasn't, you know, and I knew something was up, but my parents poor things. Now I say poor things at the time, you know, you expect your parents to know everything and do everything right. And I think that is one of the.

Key things with this whole story that I wish had happened differently was having a parent actually communicate to their kid that they don't know everything. I think it's important to have a parent be strong. You need that to feel like you can go to them, but you also don't feel like you can go to them if they're not human.

Does that make sense?

Damaged Parents: [00:05:23] I think what I hear you saying is that. Your parents had, we're supposed to know everything and because they believed they needed to know everything, they couldn't come to you and say, we're not certain what's going on. So, and then....

Alicia Harris: [00:05:45] it's like, they were trying to also hold together the image of the strong parent.

Right. And my mom has talked to me extensively about this 20 years after it happened, you know, kind of a thing. We've had lots of conversations. So now I know her viewpoint. Um, but at the time I didn't know that. Right. And I think that's one thing that I got out of all of this large, the communication skills between a parent and a child and what they should, and shouldn't be.

And that's the thing my mom says she regrets the most to was wishing she had actually. Sad what was going on in her head instead of not. And then I'm like, I'm this kid tried to guess, but here's the thing. So, um, I started having, um, they call them seizures, but that sounds a little more dramatic perhaps in mind, where I would see that I would it's called cataplexy.

And what it is is that actually causes your body. Two CS, but you don't shake. It's not like epilepsy to everybody else. It looks like you're sleeping. You know, you're not, um, you can still hear everything going on. It's a weird warped version of it, but you can hear people talking, you know, they think you're asleep and you're desperately trying to let them know.

You're not, it's a very weird physical state to be in. And so I had that, those, I called them, my episodes started to happen and they coincided with, um, narcolepsy, which is actually what I have two things going on at the same time. Cataplexy went away thankfully after about a year, year and a half went away.

It's gone. Narcolepsy still have, I will always have that. That is. Reality. I don't know what it would be like to not take medicine throughout the whole day. That that's what I do.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:43] So narcolepsy is where you fall. You just fall asleep out of nowhere, right? Like it's a surprising,

Alicia Harris: [00:07:49] it's not that simple, but yes, I wish it was that simple. It's not simply asleep. Um, narcolepsy affects a number of other things too. For example, it kicks in when you're having strong emotions. Which means laughter as well as crying hard. And when I say it kicks in what it does is for me, I have a mild case. Fortunately, compared to that fast, when I'm told. I have never, ever met another person with narcolepsy.

So I don't know. It's rare. That's what I'm told is I have a mild case, but, um, like when I laugh hard, my muscles in my neck and head, my head will drop forward because I can't hold up my muscles relax. It's part of narcolepsy when you're sleeping, your muscles are relaxed, so that will happen. And it's very frustrating.

And I get, um, what I call my bedroom eyes, but they're my droopy eyes and people, again, my poor parents thinking I'm on something. Right? Cause my eyes look like they're on drugs. So I have that going for me. I've got all these things going. The incredible blessing was that one time my mom. Saw me go in.

Cause I was trying to explain it to them, but they didn't see the cataplexy. She saw me go into cataplexy and I shaked a little bit that time to feel tremors. And then she knew like legitimately something was out. So very fortunately the neurologist, uh, I lived in Wyoming at the time, the neurologist, my little tiny town, his side interest happened to be narcolepsy.

Talk about a blessing. Uh, nobody's side interests are narcolepsy. So, um, he was doing all these other tests because normally narcolepsy don't get diagnosed for years. A lot of times because our symptoms are so much like a bunch of other things and they try and rule out the more severe things first. Okay.

So usually you don't get diagnosed. He actually said to my parents, um, Hey, your insurance won't cover this. But I really want to run a DNA test and look for this one really weird gene that I think your daughter has. Right. And so my parents said do it. And so they found it. So I actually have the gene and doctors think that's exciting.

Whenever a doctor reads my charts, they're like, Oh, you're a real narcolepsy. And I'm like, I don't know what that means, but sure. Going through all of that, um, Became a very kind of angry at my parents. I was nine. And anyone else angry at my parents, kind of a teenager, I was really horrible.

Damaged Parents: [00:10:41] So were you angry finding out or were you more angry because you didn't feel heard or understood? Like what, what was it?

Alicia Harris: [00:10:52] Yes, yes. To everything, but no, truthfully I think it was. Because I didn't feel heard. I didn't feel listened to. And then on top of that, it's a strange thing. When you know, you're different and you want it to be acknowledged, but at the same time, you don't want to be treated differently, but you kind of do it's this weird back and forth.

And I felt like my parents, I didn't have the energy other kids had. Um, I didn't have. I couldn't do the things other kids did, you know, as far as no one else knew I was very good. No one can tell usually okay. Until my eyes start to do their thing. And then I explained it to the person. Cause I don't want them to think I'm on drugs, but usually there's some that you can't really tell.

Right. And so I think that's one of the things I feel a lot of us have a lot of things that other people can't tell. But, you know, it's going on and you know, it's different. So you, um, react in ways like that assumes everyone knows. It's kind of a funny thing. And, you know, especially, um, you know, teenagers, I don't think are given credit, I'll be honest for, for thinking as much as they think.

And. Um,

Damaged Parents: [00:12:13] explain that a little bit.

Alicia Harris: [00:12:15] You bet, um, I really believe that, uh, teenagers are smarter than a lot of us give them credit for being, and at the same time, I'm hindsight, they're smarter in their world and that's the reality. Right. And you know, you're always wanting to say, I can't wait till you get to college and see there's a bigger world.

You know, cause you're in your high school world and that really is legitimately your world. But regardless of that, that is their world and you need to treat it as significantly as you would treat your world. Right. And I think that doesn't happen. I feel a lot of times adults, um, talk to teenagers like someday you'll get it.

Someday you'll get it. They do get it. They get their reality right now. And the emotions are just as legit and justice strong as yours are and treating it like someday. You'll get it. When you hit the real world, I think is just a big mistake. And I think a lot of teenagers get don't get the help or don't get the validation.

Perhaps if they need, because we treat it like someday they'll understand someday they'll understand a different version. Right. But their version is totally real and it needs to be addressed as totally real. And that makes sense a little bit,

Damaged Parents: [00:13:47] It totally makes so much sense that their experience is real.

Alicia Harris: [00:13:51] Absolutely.

Damaged Parents: [00:13:52] And that their emotions are real. And because you brought up emotions, what I'm hoping you can do is maybe explain what some of those, you're a teenager you're finding that you've got cataplexy. You're a narcoleptic. If it sounds like maybe there were some differences, what were the emotions that you felt?

And. Uh, when, when you talk, when you talk about those emotions, what did they physically feel like inside of

Alicia Harris: [00:14:23] you? That's a very good question. Um, I would, uh, that's a really good question. It's hard to answer. Um,

how did they, how did emotions feel? Um, there was. A lot of big swings. So, uh, from being super happy to being super depressed and I think, uh, feeling like you're, nobody is like you at all. And that is like, gut-wrenching literally, what are you talking about physically? How it feels, you know, that is really painful, but on the flip side, I had, I had such great friends and I had a lot of fun.

So it, um, wasn't like this deep, dark high school career. I actually had a lot of fun. Um, probably too much fun, you know? I would leave school a lot and we had no open campus. And so yeah, we would leave school and go and hang out and do different things. I did graduate even with honors, so I managed to pull it off.

But, um, but yeah, you know, we had a lot of fun, so I did have really good times, but it was just weird. You know, the weird thing was too, is that at that time, especially in high school, You know, I'd see other kids, um, at least in my high school, um, acid was a big thing back then and, um, apparently Coke, but I didn't know that.

So I was told that years later, well, you know, so-and-so did whatever and I'm like really, but what I did see was people trying to alter themselves when I was trying to be normal. And that's a weird thing. Like I would, I would be very frustrated because they would be trying to alter their brain when I was trying to not see things.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:33] Oh, wow.

Alicia Harris: [00:16:35] That's a kind of weird thing. Although I had a lot of them say they wished that they had my narcolepsy, so they didn't have to do the drugs. Then I was like, that's not really how it works, but there you go. You know, so it's a weird reality there.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:51] Okay. So the, the weird part of the reality is that number one, like you were saying, people are trying to do to their brain, what yours was doing normally.

And that does not make sense, right. Because it wasn't fun for you. Um, and then on the other side, you're talking about a lot of fun. So was it, what was it about leaving campus and going with your friends that. Maybe that would, did that have anything to do with feeling different at school? I don't, I don't know.

Alicia Harris: [00:17:24] I think it's more truthfully, partly just about, um, having control. I really do think a lot of it comes down to that because when you don't have control over what your body does you like to have control over your life. So I felt like me being able to leave campus and go do what I wanted to do was me controlling what I got to do.

Instead of having, you know, the school, tell me what I had to do

Damaged Parents: [00:17:51] because you already lost control with your body. So what can you

Alicia Harris: [00:17:58] control? What can you control? I think that's why I had all the fun hair colors. I'll be honest. I can control that. You know, I had every kind of color you can imagine. It was fun.

Um, and I still find myself doing that when I'm frustrated, I go get a haircut because I can control that. You know, it's kind of a funny thing how that works. And I think, you know, uh, not actually a healthy thing now, it's not, I actually think it always was truthfully,

Damaged Parents: [00:18:25] like, it was healthy to find something to do or change that you had control over.

Alicia Harris: [00:18:35] Right.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:36] Okay. That makes sense.

Alicia Harris: [00:18:38] Yeah. I mean, I keep in mind during all of this, um, the only people who were getting the bad deal of my personality, where my parents, um, I was very kind to everybody else. Um, nobody else would have any idea what a brat I was. If you weren't in my household.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:59] Ooh,

Alicia Harris: [00:19:00] you know, so other adults had no clue, you know, I got away with leaving campus because I was the good student.

Right. And so teachers weren't upset. They would just be like, you know, I aced the test. It's okay. She's not here today. Right. You know, kind of a thing. And I was a good kid and I did think a lot, you know, and, and, you know, actually get less. Can we talk about that for a moment? That thinking thing I was

Damaged Parents: [00:19:24] actually going to ask, so yes, please.

Alicia Harris: [00:19:27] Um, I had a very interesting experience. Of course my poor parents trying to figure out what to do with me. Right. And so we all went to a family therapist once. I totally remember this. We go to this family therapist and after our session dragging all six kids in me, right? Yeah. I'm there too. Right? He says, no one else needs to come back, but Alicia, okay.

Needless to say that doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:52] What was that feeling? Were you mad? Sad, angry.

Alicia Harris: [00:19:56] Uh, at that point, I was like, whatever sarcastic newness would happen. Fine. You know? And so I went back and now I went back to that guy by myself. Okay. And actually, One of the best things by far for me with a few sessions, I only did it a few times were with this guy.

Um, he was really key at the time. I didn't realize that in hindsight, he was priceless. Actually one, he taught me self meditation. So that when my episode, as I call them, we're going to come on. He taught me. Cause I could tell when they were going to, I can feel it. My body feels different. I know something's going to happen so I can sit down.

I can do things like that, which is where I'm blessed. Whether narcolepsy there might just collapse. I don't, I can tell when it's coming on. And so he taught me how to self hypnotized so that I could go to a happy place while my body did whatever. So priceless. Right. I learned how to, how to I actually created myself a dance club and that's why I would go in my mind.

When that was happening. So I didn't have to deal with any of the scary hallucinations or feeling out of control. So that was priceless. But the, the moment I think really hit with him was, uh, was probably on our third four session. So I had a little bit of trust built up with him. Right. And he just said, you know, he's led people, don't see the world the same way you do.

And I just said, you know, I was like, what are you talking about? And he goes, yeah, you see all these things about people and about emotions that the people have. And so then you can't understand why would somebody treat somebody differently if they knew this? And he's like, they don't know that. And that was like a big one.

And he's like, you know, they don't see that. And he's like, you have a different insight and excuse me, I got a little emotional on that one, but it was interesting in that. Um, I realized, guess what? We don't all see the world the same way. And truthfully, my 15 year old mind, I think at the time, Janette know that.

And when you realize not everybody has the same understanding, that makes a big difference. Right? You get to people it's it's okay. You know, it's not as absurd. You're like, I get it. And now actually I think that is such a humongous blessing that we're not all the same, what a boring world, like sincerely, how boring would it be if we were all the same?

You know, our strength is that we aren't, and we're not supposed to all think the same way we wouldn't be necessary if we did. And, you know, realizing that was like this big aha moment where I was like, what do you mean? They don't all understand this? And he's like, once she realized that everyone doesn't see things the same way, you won't be upset at what they're doing, you'll understand what they're doing.

And I just think. That's pretty priceless, you know? And it's like, huh. All right. And then the other thing he said, which may help some people, cause I've thought about this is he said that and he may have just said this to make me feel good, but he's had the smartest people he's ever met are the people who have come to him for therapy.

And he said people with a high intelligence that people who are smart are just observant. He said it needs therapists because they don't understand why the world does the absurd things it does.

Damaged Parents: [00:23:55] So because the world does, or people do absurd things, maybe some of the people who, who go to therapy or the. Or need to go, or the ones that recognize that the most,

Alicia Harris: [00:24:13] that's what he felt. He felt that people who, um, actually observe things and see more end up needing therapy. Cause they don't understand why people could act the way they do, knowing what they know. And then he that's what he was explaining is they don't know what, you know, you realize that.

You're like, Oh, I get it. Okay. So what they just did, wasn't actually so cruel or stupid, they didn't know, understand.

Damaged Parents: [00:24:44] Right.

Alicia Harris: [00:24:44] And he's, you know, he said that that's why he felt a lot of really, um, observant or intelligence. The word he is, people need therapy because they see the world and don't understand why people would do things that they're doing given what's going on.

Yeah. You know how their perception of it, and that makes a big difference. And I, that is a key thing. Now I've learned in my life in general, like when somebody doesn't hold your view, that's not a bad thing. You have no idea what they've been through. You have no idea, their perception. And even then it doesn't matter.

Your perception actually may not be the best one when you do realize other people's point of views. You're like, Oh, I get it. And hopefully you can get something from it too. Right.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:36] So how do you stay open to other people's perspectives? Cause that's what I think I hear you talking about is you see this world and, and you have this knowledge.

And sometimes I'm sure you feel like you have the answer or you're right, right now, how, when you're in that situation, how do you stay open to someone else?

Alicia Harris: [00:26:01] You know, I feel that it's a matter of first has to be conscious truthfully, if you do have, it's not like it's just this all being, you know, wonderful, smooth thing I have figured out.

Now you gotta be aware of it, especially I think. Um, I actually try really hard when somebody does have a different opinion than me to kick myself into the mode of not judging because it's quick and easy to judge. And I think it's important to judge though at the same time, but you don't judge the person.

You need to judge the situation that is a safety mechanism to keep ourselves safe as well. But you need to listen to the person. Right. And I feel like. What I remind myself is that we are actually way more alike than we are different. And it goes back to, we have all felt the same feelings, different things have caused them.

Different experiences have caused them, but the feeling is the same. And when you realize that that person does know how to feel joy, that person has felt hurt. It makes you realize they're more like you, not less like you, different things caused it, but those feelings were absolutely the same. Going back to that teenager saying how the teenagers world, and sometimes they get dismissed because they're in their world.

Right. But their emotion is just as legitimate as yours. Hm, and is just as real. And I feel like the rest of the world is absolutely that way too. And you need to respect that emotion and realize that they are more like you than you think.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:46] So what do you do when maybe someone offends you? How do you, because I think what I hear you kind of describing is staying curious about what's happening, but how so? How do you. Transition or remind, you know, let's say somebody offends you, so you catch it and you catch yourself. Cause it sounds like that's a little bit of what you're talking about. All of a sudden you have to get present again. Now that you're present. What's your next step?

Alicia Harris: [00:28:15] I'll be honest. It is very hard to offend me. Um, it really is. It's kind of funny cause it used to not be right. And maybe that's part of it is I came from a teenage years of easily being offended where I was like, ah, there is right and wrong and there's this and there's that. And then I was fiery like, you know, I would let you know my opinion if it was different than yours.

And so I think coming from that, it's almost like going to the other extreme where I'm like, you know what, um, I do still have definite opinions. You can talk to anybody. I know they know I do, but I respect that other people do as well, and that they have their opinions to actually think that's valuable.

And so it really is putting yourself it's empathy, putting yourself in somebody else's shoes. And when you do that enough times, that is how I, I hard to offend me. It really is because I just get that they're coming from somewhere else and, you know, I, I seriously, what I, what do I physically do in the moment I breed?

It's such a big deal to just take a deep breath there, actually the whole lot of science behind what that does for your brain as well. It's not just. That moment to catch yourself. So literally I breathe when I'm like confronted with somebody who's defensive. I stopped and I take my deep breath and I have also learned that keeping my mouth shut is, um, oftentimes a smarter thing.

And it isn't weakness. It's actually strength, weaknesses. When you fire off is actually holding your tongue until you know, the right time people aren't going to listen to you when you're yelling anyway. I mean, you raise your voice or your confrontational, that a person's not going to learn anyways. So if you are trying to teach them something, that's pointless to do it that way is not effective.

It just isn't. And I just know that enough that I might I'll just let them go, let them go, because it's right now talking back to them, isn't going to accomplish what I want anyways. And so if I look at what I want to accomplish now is not the time. Anyways.

Damaged Parents: [00:30:33] So yeah, because if they're angry and or whatever, they're there, right. They were trying to prove their point. They're not going to be able to hear whatever I have to say, because they have to believe where they're at right now.

Alicia Harris: [00:30:51] Yeah, and there, and they just have the, literally the science of it. You've got your endorphins going. You are on, you are in fight and fight, you know, you're fighting, so you're not going to hear.

And so it actually, isn't worth keeping that you need to deescalate to be able to talk to somebody. If the situation has escalated, neither one of you are hearing the other person anyways.

Damaged Parents: [00:31:16] Right. So if you're okay. So just, let's say for whatever reason in your life something's going on and you're frustrated, you're upset you just, and you feel like you are the one making that point.

How do you recognize when you're that person. For yourself. I mean, do you just kind of get in and sometimes I'm sure things still kind of escalate right. Um, in your life. So how do you, I guess, how do you stop that dynamic? I mean, do you stop midstream and then regroup and then go, wait, I need to breathe. Like, what do you, do you see where I'm going? I'm I want to understand your process.

Alicia Harris: [00:31:58] Um, well, a little bit process, truthfully. This is where I talk about my narcolepsy being a strength. Um, I can't get too heated because my narcolepsy kicks in. So I will literally feel that it's actually, this is where it's a bonus for me having it is that I, when I start to feel my eyes starting to droop, or I feel like my neck is kind of relaxing, I know I'm getting too heated in my head.

Um, it's like my body's telling me and I know I have to stop or I will collapse. That is the fun of narcolepsy. So it's kind of an interesting thing. Um, it's a cue for me. Other people don't see it, but I know inside that, um, I'm getting too emotional and when I get emotional like that, Um, I'm totally not effective because I looked just bizarre trying to explain to somebody something when I can't even keep my head up.

Right.

Damaged Parents: [00:32:59] Right.

Alicia Harris: [00:32:59] So for me, I have to stop and cool down and walk away. Uh, Narcos I take nap. The nap is a beautiful thing to me. Um, I can, I have a weird, I call it my super power. Most people, it takes on average 90 minutes to get to deep sleep. Um, last time I was tested, I did it in 90 seconds. So, um, my, uh, when I go to sleep, I have my power nap really can be 10 minutes or 15 minutes and I've hit deep sleep, but I actually physically am refreshed.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:35] Wow.

Alicia Harris: [00:33:35] And when you, your brain is a beautiful thing, brains are amazing. They are designed to take care of themselves. Sleep is one of the times when they do that. So, if you can calm down and get your body into and let your body deep, deep sleep, your brain actually sorts through all the stuff it's registering gets rid of trash.

Does other things realigns your chemicals really fabulous? Right. So I really do believe if you can step away and just breathe taking that meditation is priceless, um, and just breathe your body knows what to do. To help give you the strength that you need. If you let it we're designed pretty well. We're designed amazingly well.

And that's part of that too. So I have my narcolepsy, which is, um, ridiculously frustrating at times is actually a huge blessing because I have to calm down. Um, you know, so

Damaged Parents: [00:34:42] yeah, that sounds like a super power to me because. It it's almost like you have an early warning system that other people don't have.

Alicia Harris: [00:34:55] Yeah. A lot of ways I do.

Damaged Parents: [00:34:57] And I'm trying to figure out even inside of myself right now. How, how do I recognize when I'm starting to feel heated?

I mean, I know for me what it is, right. Maybe I start sweating. Maybe my tummy gets a little bit upset or I feel my heart pounding. And even in those moments though, it's like, you're forced to walk away and I have to force myself to walk away. Right. Like you don't get much of a choice because you'll just go to sI... mean, not really go to sleep. Right.

Alicia Harris: [00:35:36] But. Yeah, go to whatever it's. Yeah.

Um, it's, it's an interesting thing. Um, Yeah, I guess my body, I do have that as a benefit. It's one of those things where I, at the beginning, when I said talking about a struggle versus a strength, you know, and how sometimes things are, your struggle actually become your strength. And I really believe that, you know, being that, being that kid in high school school, that horrible kid, I have helped so many parents who have that kid.

Because I get that kid. Right. And I'm like, okay, I know where they're at. I know what they're thinking. You know, I get where they're coming from. Um, you know, so it's taking those things that were struggles. And now, you know, they're your strength. I mean, you never give up on your kid. You just don't, that's just not... you don't because you have no idea what's going on in that kid's head.

I remember one night specifically. Uh, I had a friend who apparently. Called my parents and would tell them where I was, because he was worried about me. I didn't know this till I was an adult okay. My parents told me and I was like, you're kidding me. I was wondering how they always knew where I was.

And this one friend of mine was like, tell them. And that friend is priceless to me now at the time, I probably would have lost it on him. Had I found out he was doing that, but now all my gosh, I'm so thankful for him. And I've told him so. Found him and made sure he understood that I, how much I appreciated that.

And so, um, the one night in particular I was someplace I didn't want to be, and I didn't know how to get out of it. I was like stuck there cause I was with somebody else in their car. Right. And I was like, I don't want to be here. And they hear my parents pull up in the big family, man, you know, like every teenager, his name right here, your parents show up and you know, and they're like Leisha don't get in the car.

And so I acted all grumpy. Like I can't believe you're here, blah, blah. Oh my gosh. I was so relieved. I got into that van and was like, thank goodness my parents came my parents, what did they get to hear? Oh, that's not what they heard. I can't believe you are here. I cannot believe you came into Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But inside I was so relieved and I actually believe that happens more times than we know where the kid is showing. Like, they're like so mad at you. You don't know if they really are. I was not going to let my parents know how thrilled I was that they came. Because that would be admitting. I was not as tough as I think I am.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:23] Right.

Alicia Harris: [00:38:24] But I was so relieved. I told my mom about that night and that was interesting. You know, I was probably my 30th when we had this conversation and she started to cry and I was like, I felt bad, but then she's like that night she's like, Um, was a big night for her. Cause she was done. She was done. She was like, I was done.

I had common dealt with here and here. My friend had called her up and told her I was, and she had looked at my dad and she said, I don't want to go get her. I'm done. I'm worn out. And my dad just goes, you don't give up on your kids and got up and went and got in the car. And she's like, your dad just started the car and was sitting in there waiting for me.

She likes. So I got up and went, you know, and he'd still know.

Damaged Parents: [00:39:09] You never do. No, I think that, that is a really great, great point. I mean, as teenagers, you know, when I was a teenager, I could, I don't know what it is about being a teenager. I could not let them let my mom know when I needed help. I, in fact, um, if anything, she paid a price for it.

I mean, as a mom, now I look back at that and I have to remember, I'm going to pay that price for crying out loud that I don't want to pay. And that's okay. That's part of being a parent. I think, um, it teaches me who I am as a parent. It teacher, as a person, as, as a human.

Alicia Harris: [00:40:05] as a human, yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:06] As a human period, you know, this human experience is so hard and scary and frustrating and joyous and sad

yeah, and

Alicia Harris: [00:40:21] magical. And I think that, you know, you were asking earlier about how I deal with when I'm getting heated or when I have somebody who's not confrontational. Um, and I, and this was again, a conscious effort you have to do at that moment. I will honestly look for something, anything that makes me smile and smile inside because you smile at the person you're just going to, it's rude, right?

They're upset. And you that's just going to escalate. I really do. I look for like something small and like, even aside from the situation. Like if we're, for example, I love being outside. I love the sky, right? If I am frustrated with somebody and let's say there are confrontations going on outside, I literally look up at the sky and just notice how amazing it is.

And I forced myself to stop and notice something around me. That's amazing because I need that reality check.

Damaged Parents: [00:41:18] Uh huh. So it doesn't matter where you're at. If you're inside. Outside. Just find one thing that you,

Alicia Harris: [00:41:24] Find something,

Damaged Parents: [00:41:26] something that you can be grateful for.

Alicia Harris: [00:41:29] Yeah. Something that, um, even, you know, I don't know if great, grateful for sounds maybe more deep than I'm even going.

Just something that just for a split second makes you smile. Even, you know, that makes you feel more positive later on. You can be grateful for it because you've thought about it. But at the moment, it's like, let me just acknowledge something. That's okay. You know, something that's positive.

Damaged Parents: [00:41:58] So not really a thing or

Alicia Harris: [00:42:02] can be a thing, or it can just be in general, like a feeling or somebody, you know, there's one person's chewing on you, but that person over there is.

Is going to be that strength, a little kids are priceless to go to for that, because if you've got an adult frustrating you, but there's some kid on the floor doing something funny. That's what you look at because you're like, I need to find something in the moment to redirect and reality check, remind myself that it's not all about this heated moment.

There is a way bigger picture. Looking for something to reality. Check me.

Damaged Parents: [00:42:44] Right. So to, I think, okay, so I'm in this heated conversation, I'm frustrated, uh, and my emotions are hot. Right? So then I think what I hear you saying is just bringing, find something in that moment. Not that has nothing that has to do with the emotion and everything that has to do with being present.

Alicia Harris: [00:43:06] Yes.

Damaged Parents: [00:43:07] Is that kind of, yeah.

Alicia Harris: [00:43:08] Yeah. Okay. Literally not. It's going to sound silly, but there is one lady door and she was going off on her kids. And I was having a really hard time with that because the way she was talking to her kids and the way she was treating him, and we were stuck in a little aisle, you know, and those little aisles of the checkout stands.

It's amazing. The dynamics that happened there. And so you're stuck. There's no way to get away from it. And literally, um, one of the kids was completely ignoring her and it was like playing with some little fidgety thing that they had picked off the shelf. And it was such a priceless little moment if all that other garbage hadn't been there, this little moment of this kid really investigating whatever he had picked up.

Was really a cool thing. So I was just like, I'm gonna focus on this little kid who was having this really cool moment so that I can remember the world is amazing. Cause he was like discovering what he was looking at. It was really fun to watch. And so you focus on that instead of. The hot mess that his mom was at the moment.

Plus I don't know what led up to that. You know, who knows? The one kid was screaming and throwing a fit that poor mom was trying to juggle multiple kids. You don't know, you don't know what she's going through. You don't know what she was taught. You don't know what background she came from. We all are taught different things and you just have to reality check.

But instead of getting frustrated, I was like that little kids awesome went down there and he was like, checking out. I can't remember it. It was, there was some little toy thing, you know, in the aisle. And he was so cool how he was investigating it that. I just focused on him kind of reality. Check me.

Damaged Parents: [00:44:54] Right. And the emotion mom's emotions were. Causing you stress in that moment, it sounds  like maybe you were starting to feel that, , the heart racing thing or whatever your symptoms, right.

And you're going okay. If I don't find a way to focus on something else, I'm just going to be infuriated, which is going to cause this which is going to trigger the narcolepsy. And am I  on the right path

Alicia Harris: [00:45:22] there? I don't know that I thought that much, but ultimately that would be the process, but now it's so natural that I don't think that much about it.

Damaged Parents: [00:45:30] So how did you get to a point where it went from? Cause you know, we  went from teenage years to now, but that transition. Do you remember what it was like to make that transition to now where it may be maybe trying those new skills was hard and what was that like?

Alicia Harris: [00:45:50] Um, you know, it, I remember very well that process, , because that process unfortunately involves the crash and you hit rock bottom.

You're like, I need something else. Right. I was in college. , and see you in Boulder, which is a party school and is known for that. And my roommates were total partiers and. Oh, I just, I didn't want to, I didn't want to be there, , and I just knew it and , I wasn't happy. And I literally, I remember a night, I sat there looking in front of a mirror.

I remember it very well. And I just sat there and was like trying to scientifically approach how to remember when I was last, happy. This was my mindset. And so like really genuinely happy. Like he didn't care about anything. I'm going to have fun. I had things like that. That's not what I'm talking about in the show.

At night, some reason. And I don't know why I can't. I came up there. There was when I was 12 and I don't know how I came up with that, but I was 12 and my mind , started thinking about all the things that I had then that I didn't have now and things like that. And this is where having incredible parents was priceless.

My relationship with my parents at this time was, , not good, right. I really, I only called them when I needed something. How many of us know kids that are like that? Right. I think that's actually quite normal, but, , it was rough, but I called my parents up. They lived in a suburb of Denver.

So they were about, you know, an hour or something drive from me. And I just said, , can you come pick me up this week? And I just kind of just come home this weekend and what I love about my parents, they did. , no questions asked and we made the main thing that I had put down through my mom shows up, like just to pick me up, no questions asked, got in the car and went home for the weekend.

And I started doing that. Almost every weekend for a little over a month. And then I just told my parents, I'm like, I am, I need to move home because I just knew it. Wasn't where I wanted. , and just had to reality check like my life in general  and what I loved all that my parents did that.

They said, yeah, you can come home, but we have rules. And I love them for doing that instead of just being like, yeah, come home, whatever. And I think sometimes parents are so excited that their kid has come home, that they don't set some boundaries. And I think the kid needs boundaries. They, I wanted that.

And they said, , we see your sibling. , I was the third, there were still kids at home and they were like, , they're still here. We have our rules. We need to follow them. , this is what we do in our house. You need to do that. And I was like, all right. Yeah, I'll do it. , and then just a whole line of wonderful people from my past, , step back in and.

, adults that I had a lot of respect for who had no idea what I had been going through or my life or anything, and I didn't want to disappoint them. And so I was like, yeah, great. , but it ended up helping me be great because. They didn't realize I was struggling. And so they would just ask me to do something and I'd be like, okay, I'll do that.

Like, so, , it gets into my church and into my faith. One of the rules that my mom, my parents set was we go to church on Sunday. You have you, so you are too. And I was like, all right, , they're like, we don't care if you know, whatever you do, there is up to you, but you need to go and be the example and our family, this is what we do on Sundays.

And there was so we'd always done. So I went and that very first Sunday, like one of my youth leaders came up to me with, with this girl who was my age and said, she's from Sweden. She's nannying here. Can you help her get used to. The U S and I was like, and I didn't want my, you know, my old leader to know that I was a hot mess.

I was like, sure. You know, it was this great experience. Cause then I got to, and this is where things started to change. I got to show this girl from Sweden, how great things were in the U S right. And when your task is to like show positive things, you become positive.

Damaged Parents: [00:50:27] Right,

Alicia Harris: [00:50:27] because you're looking for positive things and I realized there's actually a lot of really amazing things.

Plus it was fun to watch her think everything was amazing. And you had taken for granted. She thought it was amazing. Yeah. And so that was part of their change, change and things.

Damaged Parents: [00:50:49] I'm just thinking how. You were a hot mess and you didn't want people to know you were a hot mess and it took them regardless, whether you were a hot mess or not of saying, I need you. And, and it almost sounds like because there were other people that saw value in you.

And gave you things that you could do that then you were able eventually not, maybe not right away. I'm not, I didn't sound like it, but it took some time before you were able to go, Oh, there's something in here worth sharing.

Alicia Harris: [00:51:36] Absolutely. Yep. I am a big believer that um, people need to feel needed. And when you realize that you're needed, And then you have something unique to bring to the picture that's priceless and everybody is needed, and everybody does have something unique to bring to the picture. And I think that's part of why it takes a lot to offend me, or it takes a lot to frustrate me is because I really do believe everybody is absolutely needed.

And that means everybody who is different than me. Right. You know, it would be an incredibly boring and unnecessary world. If we were all in the same, we're supposed to have different opinions. We're supposed to think differently, um, that, you know, that's, that's necessary and we're all needed and we all have a different perspective.

That's necessary.

Damaged Parents: [00:52:34] Yeah. It sounds like with that different perspective, that's necessary. And all, I hear a lot of difference needing those differences. And yet I also hear you saying we're so similar,

Alicia Harris: [00:52:47] right?

Damaged Parents: [00:52:48] And to me that's a very complex world, which means that it isn't, it isn't, it's,

Alicia Harris: [00:53:00] um, really simple at the same time.

What as being so similar is based off of our, our more of our core, um, our emotions, who we are deeper that is similar. What is so different about us as has been our life experiences that have caused those feelings. And those are so necessary. To create it. So it really isn't as complex. Our core is very similar,

Damaged Parents: [00:53:36] right.

Alicia Harris: [00:53:37] What we've experienced is very different and that's what's needed because we need to help the, you know, I am always amazed when I talk about, um, different things that, you know, people find out different things about me. Um, How all of a sudden somebody's like, Oh wait, I have, you know, I had this experience and everybody has actually had something that's very, very similar as you.

I work with, um, seniors with, um, various different health concerns and dementia being one of them. And almost without, without an error, almost everybody, when they find out that's what they do, they have somebody who is going through that experience. You know, the experience of aging or dementia, and they really want to talk to me about it.

And so that's what I mean, where we're actually much, even our experiences aren't necessarily so different when we look at them that way

Damaged Parents: [00:54:33] Right. Right.

Alicia Harris: [00:54:35] There's a lot more relatable. We're a lot more relatable than we think. And when, when you're willing to actually, um, let somebody know that about you and that's the hard part, we're really good at walls.

Um, That that is when those real connections are made, where that deeper core of you connects to their deeper core, because you have an eye connection to experiences. So those bring you together so that your course can actually connect. And so it's interesting. That makes sense.

Damaged Parents: [00:55:12] I think so. I think what I hear you saying is that. The, I don't want to use the core of who we are as humans is very similar. Maybe the experiences themselves are not similar. The emotions around those are similar.

Alicia Harris: [00:55:33] Yeah. But I also believe some of us have very similar experiences. And when you can connect with somebody who has. That's when you're able to help.

And that's when you're able to connect with each other and both of you help each other work with what you're going through. And now those are great moments when those happen.

Damaged Parents: [00:55:51] So it sounds to me like being vulnerable is really important to get to that step though, to, to, to show the core of who I am. I have to be a little bit vulnerable.

Alicia Harris: [00:56:06] You do, you do.

Damaged Parents: [00:56:10] Maybe I don't need to wait for the other person to be vulnerable first.

Alicia Harris: [00:56:15] Yeah, I, yeah, I, I, I'm not saying go out there and be the bizarre person who's dumped their whole life out on Facebook. You know, that's not actually what I'm promoting here. But within a safe environment. Um, yeah, you do that.

And I think one of the key things is, is to create those safe environments for other people's how you do that. My mother, I don't, I swear. It's amazing. We will be anywhere by the time we're leaving. Everybody there who we don't know has told them. They're like her life story. I'm like, mom, how does this happen?

Like, we're in a checkout line. And we, by the time we get through the checkout line, she's like, it's like, they're old friends like her and the person in front of them. They'd never met. And I was like, mom, and she really has this. Like I just watch. And I'm like, how is this happening? And so I've actually really have analyzed what it is.

And this is what I believe it comes down to. My mother has believed very firmly that whoever you were talking to deserves 100% of your attention. And so when she is in that checkout line, she actually, whoever is talking to her, has her full attention. And I believe when people feel that you are genuinely interested in who they are.

They share who they are. Yeah. So when it, so it's not something that you have to be vulnerable as much as you allow them to feel safe with them being vulnerable and all you do. And it's very simple. All you do is, you know, direct eye contact smile. A smile is priceless. A smile is such a big deal. You know, my mom, when I went away to college, her one advice was smile at people.

And I was like that is the dumbest advice in the world. I'm like, this is your big moment you sending up there. Well, but I did it and absolutely priceless. I made friends in the dorms. I did all that because I smiled that simple, you know, so yeah. It's amazing how much a smile can make someone's day better.

Damaged Parents: [00:58:25] Yeah.

Alicia Harris: [00:58:26] And I think the other thing too is to not go in expecting something out of it, you know, if you go in expecting, um, I know that there are tons of people who have made my day better, who have no idea they ever did.

Damaged Parents: [00:58:40] Ooh, isn't that the truth.

Alicia Harris: [00:58:43] Yeah. And that is okay. And so go and smile at people and don't expect to ever know the result.

Damaged Parents: [00:58:50] Yeah.

Alicia Harris: [00:58:50] That's okay. You don't have to know the result. That's not what it's about. Yeah. You know, that's why you're smiling is because you want to see someone be happier, check yourself. That's not the point, you know, you're not going to always see the effect, just smile, you know, a smile, listen, my mom gives them her attention.

That's why they share. Yeah. And she doesn't ask ques. She really doesn't. She doesn't even ask them questions. They just start talking. And I think it's because how wonderful is it to feel like somebody actually cares that you exist? And it's as simple as looking at somebody in the eyes, as simple as using the name, she uses the name of the checkers and she doesn't do it in a weird way.

She'll be like, thank you, Chris, for doing that. And he's like, what? You know? Cause they heard their name, you know, little things like that. And you know, my mom was not always that way. Hey, my mom was, I remember growing up with a very stressed out mom. I asked her one time what happened. Um, and she still worries about us as kids and stuff.

And my mom genuinely is a very positive person and I asked her about it cause she wasn't that way when I was growing up. But she said, one day she said she just woke up and was worried about this and that. And she said, and she was exhausted. She was done. She was like, I am so tired of being tired. And so she said she just made a choice that day.

That she wasn't going to be stressed out and she wasn't going to be negative. And she said it wasn't easy. She said, but the second, the times those thoughts would pop in her head. She would consciously, she had a little like mantra, so to speak or a little saying, to say in her mind that was positive. So she wouldn't be negative.

And then it just became who she is. Wow. So that is what I've tried to do when I learned that. That's what she did. I'm like, okay. I'm going, I can't chew. I cannot always choose what happens to me. Right. But I believe I can choose how I react. That is my thing I can control.

Yeah. So kind of like respond instead

of react.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's the thing. I, you know, I can't decide what happens to me, but I can decide what I do about it. And that is my choice. And I would much rather choose. To be positive than negative. Cause it's exhausting to be negative. I've been, I've done it. I can tell you that it's exhausting for me physically.

It is exhausting to be angry and to carry hatred. It sucks the life out of you. What's the point. And you're only letting that person succeed. You know, there's the reality. If you're angry at somebody, guess what? They are not probably sitting at their house worrying about you. So the only person actually being affected as you, you are actually letting them win by being angry at them.

Damaged Parents: [01:01:52] Yeah, well, they're changing. You're

Alicia Harris: [01:01:56] screwing up you

Damaged Parents: [01:01:56] it's yeah, yeah, yeah. It's screaming at me. Not anybody else.

Alicia Harris: [01:02:02] I guarantee you, they're not sitting at their house thinking about you and being mad at you. You're the only one that's doing that. Probably letting them win in that sense too. You know, you're actually, what's the point of that.

It's only affecting you. I don't see a point of it. It's exhausting. It's exhausting to be angry. You don't have to be, you know, it doesn't mean what they did is suddenly okay. Right. But you don't have to hang on to it. You're hanging onto it. Let's what they did have more power than the actual action.

Damaged Parents: [01:02:41] Isn't that? The truth? Yep.

Alicia Harris: [01:02:43] Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [01:02:44] I, uh, I can't remember where I, where I learned it, but, um, forgiveness is for me, reconciliation is for them. So it's, if I can let go in my heart, then there's a possibility if they want to reconcile or we need to work through something, then we can. But if I'm holding onto something that's never going to happen, well,

Alicia Harris: [01:03:08] never going to happen.

And it's only going to poison you. Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [01:03:12] Okay. So three things you want to make sure the audience knows or tools that you want to give them.

Alicia Harris: [01:03:25] Okay. Um, I really think that, um, not just teenagers, but teenagers and people in general need to be given more credit than we're probably giving them. Their emotions are very real.

What's causing them may seem absurd to you. That doesn't matter. It's not absurd to them. So you treat it with the respect. You would want your emotions treated with that's one of them. Um, second one don't ever give up on your kid.

That's the kid don't ever give up on anyone. Yeah. Cause you don't know. Um, third one, what you think are your weaknesses or your problems end up being straight? If you look at him through the right, through the right lenses, he bothered to look at him the right way. I had never thought you pointed out when you said, so your body has a natural way to like, I guess you have for, you're not going to be a natural way to.

Warn yourself that you're getting heated, that we don't get. I was like, Oh, I've never thought of that. I never thought of it as like this great system to let me know in advance something's up. You know, I've never really thought I know that. So yeah. You know, the things that you may look at as your struggle or your weakness, um, very much so can become your strengths.

If you bother to do that, if you bother to look at it that way. And to figure that out and take the time to figure out what that means. Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [01:05:12] Well, I'm really glad I got to have you here today and that you were able to share such deep and important messages with us. I really appreciate it.

Alicia Harris: [01:05:23] I hope I really hope that it is helpful to somebody that's, that's the thing. If it helps, I really sincerely mean this. This helps one person figure out one thing in their life worth it. Yeah, really legitimately worth it. Small things matter.

Damaged Parents: [01:05:41] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We really enjoy talking to Alicia about how her narcolepsy is assigned, that her emotions are taking over. We especially liked when she described her love for all humans. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook.

Look for damaged parents. This podcast was sponsored in part by Arches Audio. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.