Episode 26: Living in Seconds and Inches
Carly Israel
About Carly:
A child of alcoholics and grandchild of Holocaust survivors, Carly Israel struggles to conceal her addictions and self-hatred—a path that can only end in death or sobriety. She embarks on a journey of healing, but faces a new set of challenges when her youngest child develops life-threatening medical issues. With grace and love, she faces obstacles head-on, and along the way, she thanks friends, family members, bullies, and unkind strangers.
You may find her:
Website: carlyisrael.com
FB: Carly Israel @CarlyIsrael1279
Twitter: Carly Israel @look4thered
Instagram: carlyisrael1279
LinkedIn: Carly Israel
Podcasts: In Your Corner Divorce & Northstar Big Book
Memoir: Seconds & Inches
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents. Where crushed fractured, ruined people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person, the one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Carly Israel. She has many roles in her life, mother, wife, daughter, co-parent sister stepmother, sponsor, coach and author of Seconds and Inches. We'll talk about how she was a child of alcoholics and grandchild of Holocaust survivors. She struggled with addictions and self hatred. Join us on this fascinating journey of facing obstacles and finding grace and love. Let's talk
Hey Carly welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We're so glad you're here today.
Carly Israel: [00:02:12] I am beyond thrilled to be here.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:13] Yeah we've had a really neat pre podcast conversation about, what damage means and, how I think what I really heard from you was that we're all damaged in some way. Did you want to share a little bit on that and your perspective?
Carly Israel: [00:02:28] Absolutely. I love what you're doing. I love the name. We were talking about the wording behind it, because I think it's so important to identify those meanings. I hate this idea of perfect. I think that my number one biggest truth is that everybody has a story. And I think that aligns with what your truth was that you were speaking about is that everyone deserves to be treated like a human.
And I think that it's easier to treat someone like a human when you understand their story. And it's really hard to remember that someone is human and they deserve that when you don't take that time. And so on the outside air quote you might see that someone is damaged, but on the inside, I look at it and I think that they're all beautiful, exactly how they are.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:15] Isn't that the truth, and my point of the podcast and the naming behind it is that. No matter what we're similar from an emotional perspective, whether someone as the capacity to talk or walk or utilize their hands or show their emotions, it doesn't mean they don't have that going on inside.
And it's not for me to judge whether or not they're capable or not of doing that. They're human and they're deserving of the full human experience regardless of that. So I'm so glad I love it when I meet other people who understand the perspective and are like, let's celebrate this. This is important.
Carly Israel: [00:03:57] I love that you use the word deserving. It breaks my heart to think that anyone doesn't feel that they are deserving or people don't think someone is deserving because of differences. And I was thinking about it when you were talking about it, that I think our souls in our inner selves know that everyone is deserving, but it changes from society.
Society is what tells us that you're different, which means, you know, we'll get into my story, but I have three children and all three of them have had a lot of. Instances where they've been made fun of. And I can relate to that cause I was made fun of a lot when I was little and I'm sure you've had those experiences too.
And what it's really about is just no, one's recognizing the differences are okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:37] Yeah. It's really interesting. So. There's an app called super better that Jane McGonigal created. And it actually is for like depression and anxiety and things like that. And you can go play these games. And in depression, one of the things that they had us do was start looking for how we're similar to other people.
If we can show. Everyone else that doesn't matter your capacity. We're all similar. Then maybe they'll start to realize that it's not an us versus them. It's a we and we're all on the same team.
Carly Israel: [00:05:08] You were talking about it earlier about identifying the feelings rather than the circumstances. And that's something that I find to be really helpful. So I'm sober 22 years and. We'll definitely get into that. But one of the things I was taught when I speak to people who are new is to help them focus on what I felt and what I thought rather than what I went through, because anyone can compare themselves and say, no, I wasn't like that.
And it's the same thing. When I wrote my memoir was my story is very specific to my story, but what the people that have read it have told me. Is that even though we didn't have the same situations you did, I felt what you described. And I felt seen and heard, which is all everybody wants. We just want to be acknowledged and seen and heard
Damaged Parents: [00:05:57] Yeah. And how do you do that? Right. So why don't we just go ahead and get into your story
Carly Israel: [00:06:03] you do that by what we're doing, what we're doing, this is how you do it.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:05] True. True. We show, we show it. Right. And to the best of our ability. So let's talk about that. Where did it start for you? How, what did that feel? All that great, wonderful stuff.
That's sometimes hard for us to talk about.
Carly Israel: [00:06:19] Sure. So I'll give you a little bit background. Let's see, I mentioned I'm 22 years sober and I've always found writing to be one of the tools I use to connect to myself and to God and to the world. And not like in a religious sense, just like in a connection sense. And it's also one of the tools I've used to pull myself out and find my way through the damage through the darkness.
And I've been journaling probably for like 23 years. And so I did this, I like doing emotional, mental challenges and spiritual challenges because I find that that's where the growth is. So I did this challenge for a year. It was a daily, thank you to someone in my life that made it brighter. And initially I thought the brighter meant, like, thank you so much, Angela, for being a great friend.
And I posted it on social media. And then one of my sons who is legally blind and wears really thick glasses, went out to play and we have like a beautiful, like quaint neighborhood with 50 kids on our street. And this middle son never goes out to play. And it's because all the boys are mostly doing sports and he's not super sporty.
So he went out to play, came back within a few minutes crying and he doesn't like to communicate a lot. And I was like, what happened? And he's like, they made fun of me because my glasses and I've been there. I had a patch when I was a little girl and also legally blind without sight, glasses or contacts.
And what happened that day is the three boys and I sat down and we had that really important conversation about how there's three people in the world. There's the ones that make fun of people. There's the people that get made fun of. Then there's the people that step up for the people that get made fun of and say, this is not okay.
Well, there's actually four. Then there's the ones that do nothing. And that day, my thank you was to the kid on my street, who made fun of my kid. And I thanked him not by name, but I thanked him. In my posts for giving us this opportunity to have this really important conversation that would hopefully change the way my children treated other people. And from that post people really leaned in and they were like, I want more of what you're offering here. And that year of daily posts turned into another year of daily posts of lessons or gifts I found in, challenging situations. And from that came a book deal. And I was able to write my story called Seconds and Inches.
And it's told, intertwined with some of the thank you's but it doesn't start with my story. It starts with my ancestor's story. And then my story comes from it because I really believe that we carry with us the stories of the people that came before us. And so I confront that and confront the self hate I had in the brokenness I had.
Cause I became an alcoholic, after growing up in an alcoholic home, not because of it, but I did end up becoming and, and I tried taking my own life.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:02] Right. So you had that shame. Early on and thought you were just not valuable and didn't even see the value in the damage that was happening. And you got to a point, you said where you wanted to take your own life, or you attempted.
Carly Israel: [00:09:15] By age nine, I remember wanting to not be alive anymore. And that breaks my heart because I've my three kids are a little older than that and I've raised them and I've seen age nine. And the fact that I had those thoughts in my mind, And I, I think ultimately it comes back to not feeling seen or heard or known because of what was going on in my home.
There were so many secrets and there was not a lot of help. And then my parents ended up getting sober and I just kinda miss them. I like ships in the night passing and I went on my journey of self destruction. And by the time I was almost 20, when I was 19 years old, I tried taking my own life and
Damaged Parents: [00:09:53] you were in a really dark, dark place then. And what was going on inside?
Carly Israel: [00:09:58] Sure. So I found the solution and alcohol and drugs because I hated who I was. I hated how I felt like couldn't stand. What I looked like. What I thought was, I just didn't want to be in my own world. And by the time I placed myself in the position where I swallowed 90 pills, I had entered sobriety and I wasn't doing any work, so I wasn't getting better.
And I laid on the bathroom floor and I waited to die. And I know for a fact that at that time I made a decision with no drugs or alcohol, my body, I was not under the influence of anything other than massive depression and damage brokenness like that, I think is real damage. What someone's physical, this ability or physical in capability or whatever.
We're talking about, that's not damage. That is a challenge. I think the damage is when a life believes that they're not worthy of being here on this earth and that we'd be better off without I believe that. And so if anyone's ever experienced suicide in their life or have felt that one thing I have as a gift, because I've been there is even though I understand that it's so selfish and not the right option.
I also understand what it's like to believe that it's the only action.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:17] Well, and I think also speaking from the perspective of gaining a physical, getting to have a physical disability, is that you can get to that point of feeling like. That's the only option because you don't see your value and in this world, it's really hard to see your value. So I think that those two groups can relate on that specific level that, yeah, this is hard.
Carly Israel: [00:11:41] And what's so interesting about that is so on the outside for me, you might not have physically seen it visually what was going on, but I think what you were saying before is that we have to connect because we're all experiencing similar things. Regardless of what we look like and what we're able or not able to do on the inside.
There's a brokenness in some of our souls that because of how things are set up for us, we're not supposed to talk about. And it was only on that bathroom floor. When I heard a voice inside me that said get up or you're going to die. And a decision was made for me to keep going that everything has changed, So I've now got, I consider it to be a bonus life, but I forget that every day and I freeze and I, and I, and I think about all the things I'm supposed to be worried about. And then I remember, Oh yeah, Carly, you remember, you said you were done, this is all bonus. So let's try to look at it like that
Damaged Parents: [00:12:35] And I think it's really interesting that you said you forget that every
Carly Israel: [00:12:39] every day. So have you seen finding Nemo, the movie, you know, finding Nemo
Damaged Parents: [00:12:44] yeah. Yeah. In Dory.
Carly Israel: [00:12:45] Yeah. So I'm called Dory because every day, all day long, I forget that I have all these tools and I forget that I'm in a bonus life and I forget that God's got me and I forget that I get to, and that's why I need a lot of reminders.
So my whole house is full of signs and my arms are tattooed because I forget that I'm okay. And that I'm enough
Damaged Parents: [00:13:08] Just as you are.
Carly Israel: [00:13:09] just as I am. I don't need to be anything else than what I am.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:12] Yeah. That's a really hard place to get to
Carly Israel: [00:13:15] It's it takes a lot of work and I'm actually extremely excited about it because I think I was mentioning to you before I just started another podcast and movement called Must Love Self. And it's from like a birth from my memoir, because I was getting all these messages from women saying regardless of what my struggle was, versus your struggle.
Ultimately, I hate myself and they saw in my book that I talked about how I hated myself more than anybody and that this journey I've been on since that bathroom floor has been to love self. And that includes my body and knowing my worth and using my voice.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:53] So let's talk about that real quick. What were the feelings like when you're bearing your soul and now it's out there, it's out there for the world. And how did you find that courage?
Carly Israel: [00:14:04] Such a great question. So I actually think since I didn't get what I thought I wanted on that bathroom floor, January 26, 1999, that I've had, I have two purposes. I definitely there's a lot of things I'm supposed to do, but there's two main things I'm supposed to do on this earth. I'm supposed to spread light.
And I, I believe in, and you've heard so many beautiful stories about it. You don't need light unless it's dark. Right. And so I come into people's lives in the darkest of the time. So I help people in their sobriety, my business side. I am coaching people through divorces and co-parenting, and I'm helping women to get to a place where they can find that they are enough. And so my responsibility is to bring light where there's darkness. And I think the other part is I'm supposed to share my ugly or damaged or scars to give other people permission to do the same, because I'm not embarrassed of them,
Damaged Parents: [00:14:58] Yeah.
Carly Israel: [00:14:58] but they're having people in my life that have been embarrassing of them.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:01] If they've been embarrassed for you.
Carly Israel: [00:15:03] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:04] Okay. What was that like?
Carly Israel: [00:15:06] I remember when I was dating the man that I ended up marrying that I had my children with my co-parent and he, and I have very different backgrounds internally, but on paper we look very similar and my family obviously has experienced a lot of stuff in his has not. And I remember he saw me. At my apartment open up a package was from like a prescription company for one of my medications.
Cause I'm going to be on some sort of anti-anxiety for my whole life because I have a chemical imbalance. Like that's just one of my things, right. No shame. I'm not there at all, but he and I had never experienced anyone judging. The fact that I needed it. And he looked at me as if I just revealed that I didn't really have hair or that I was really wearing, you know, padded clothing.
And that's not who I looked like. And he said out loud, most likely because he didn't understand your damaged and he said that he didn't know of the person I was today that he knew was really who I was because I was on medicine. And what if, who I really was wasn't who I was showing myself to be. And that was really painful to hear because I'd worked so hard.
I mean, I had been on 16 different medications before I found the right medication. You heard, I almost tried taking my life. I tried taking my own life. So luckily I'd done enough work on myself to be able to explain to him that this is not damaged, but the truth is people out in the world do have very clear concepts in.
Stereotypes of mental health, of disability, of alcoholism, of addiction, of divorce, of, of a lot of things. And we're just judging each other.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:48] Yeah. And that's hard. I mean, it doesn't help any of us.
Carly Israel: [00:16:52] How could it.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:53] the funny thing is, okay, I've got to admit to this, right? Like, I can't say I've not ever been one of those people
Carly Israel: [00:17:00] Oh, me too. We're human
Damaged Parents: [00:17:02] I mean, it could have happened yesterday that somebody was mad. And instead of me taking a step back and trying to understand what's going on, I take it personally and I'm like, Oh, you know, and then I reacted instead of respond.
Carly Israel: [00:17:16] I'm so glad you brought that up. And I'm the first to admit that I a hundred percent judge and it's something I'm working on. And one of the cool things I'm doing with my Must Love Self podcast is I'm getting interviewed women from all over the world. There was a woman that I interviewed her name's Amanda she's I also pushed her ahead because the conversation was so wonderful
Damaged Parents: [00:17:36] Oh, Amanda Ferret.
Carly Israel: [00:17:37] you know her.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:38] I interviewed her as well. Fantastic.
Carly Israel: [00:17:41] So let's have a little bit of self-love for Amanda Ferret. Here's what I love about Her. Okay. And I will be the first to admit this and I'm not proud of it. So, because I had an eating disorder for three decades, I have had extreme judgment about people's bodies, whether they were skinny. And I want it to look like that or whether they were in my mind overweight and I was grossed out by it.
And I've gotten so much better ever since I really started actively changing how I am perceived in my own body. But she jumped onto my show and she's like, I'm a fat and fabulous woman. And I was like, Whoa. And then she's like, I want you, like, she was pointing at me, you women who walk around saying that you're fat and I'm not physically fat, but my mind is mentally disabled in that area.
It really is. And it tells me that lie. Right? I mean, so many women are like that and she's like, stop using our words. And stop judging my body and stop pointing at me and looking at me, it's my body. It's not your body and it's not your business. And it wasn't angry. It was beautiful. And she helped me have this shift in my mind where I'm like, that's not a part of myself that I ever want to have out in the world that I don't want people to know that I look at other people's bodies and judge them in my mind.
But I do. And I don't want to do that because who am I.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:01] Yeah. I mean, it's true. I think though that we might say we don't want to. Right. I, I know I don't want to, it doesn't change the fact that it happens in, I don't know that I necessarily understand what the purpose is behind that. I do know that for me. And like you're saying, it sounds like there has to be this self-talk inside.
That, when that when it's triggered or when that thought is triggered. So what do you do in that moment for you when that thought is triggered?
Carly Israel: [00:19:32] Such a great question. So there's this trick I learned that I would love to share with your people and I it's not mine. Nothing is ever mine. I always just hear some awesome things and then share it. So I was at this conference pre COVID and there was this woman, we were all in the room and she said to the group of us, by show of hands, how many of you hear voices in your head?
And half the room raised their hand, including me. And then she said, for those that did not raise their hands and you just hear a voice that said, I don't hear voices. And then everyone laughed. And she said, and I'm going to change this because hers was more religious. And that mine's more, stream lines.
She basically said there's two voices in our head. There is the me voice, like the body, the mental, the judgy, the ego, and then the I, or the sole voice and the spirit of voice. And she said the way that she can show us this voice is like this. Let's say that the two of us made the decision tomorrow morning at 6:00 AM.
We're going to wake up. We're going to meet each other outside for a run, no matter what, because we want to be healthy and strong and it's gonna be great. Our alarm goes off at 6:00 AM. It's pitch black it's freezing. And my first thought is I'm so tired. My next thought is you said you were going to get up and meet her.
My next thought is I'll just tell her, we'll do it later. My next thought is, you know, you're not gonna able to do it later. You'll be tired later and it's back and forth. I just want to sleep for a little bit longer. You, if you sleep for longer, you won't have time to meditate and do your things and it's back and forth.
The voice that wants sleep. The voice that wants to do it later is the ego me mental body. It wants what it wants. Now. It wants to eat that ice cream. If it knows it's not supposed to, it wants to search that person's name. If it knows it doesn't ever help them, it wants to do those things now in the moment, the other voice that usually uses the word you to me, like you said, you were going to do this and is not mean it's the same voice I heard on that bathroom floor and it wants what's best for me in the future.
It has big goals for me, it knows that, yes, I'm tired and it's dark and it's cold. But if you do this today, you're going to feel better tomorrow. And if you, you know what I mean? So it wants more. And I think that we can hear those voices in our head and determine which one is actually talking. Is this voice, does this voice want something for me now?
Or does it have my best dreams in mind for my future?
Damaged Parents: [00:21:49] Okay. So you're saying, when you hear that voice, it's the me versus you conversation. And if it's the me, then it's the selfish side. And if it's the, you, it's the, you, that's looking out for your best interests.
Carly Israel: [00:22:01] Do you ever have voices in your head that are mean to you?
Damaged Parents: [00:22:03] Oh, totally.
Carly Israel: [00:22:04] Okay. What does it normally saying to you?
Damaged Parents: [00:22:06] You're not capable.
Carly Israel: [00:22:07] Okay. And then do you hear another voice responding to that voice?
Damaged Parents: [00:22:12] Uh, usually I get, Oh, wow. That's really interesting. Yes, I am. So for me, it's the opposite as it is for you.
Carly Israel: [00:22:19] right.
It's in, it's important. It's important. So I think the deciding factor shouldn't be a you or I it should be. Is the voice saying something that's for you for the best of you, or is it saying something to cut you down or to give you what you want right now?
Damaged Parents: [00:22:33] Yeah. So it almost doesn't matter whether it's me. I, you,
Carly Israel: [00:22:36] You know, what's really cool is you can text it out. You can write it out, you can speak it out and see them like, like a dialogue speaking and let them talk to each other because your soul voice, the one that wants what's best for you has your troop. So like you get afraid of doing something and that will first come from that ego meet.
Like for me, that voice at wants, you're never going to be able to do this. What are you doing? So it could sometimes say you too, right. It changes, but the voice then responds. What do you mean you've done so much? And it's the same way that we would talk to a friend or a child who's struggling that we know what to say, but when it's ourself, we it's like that story, you know?
Which dog do you feed? Which dog is stronger. It's the other one you feed. And so back to your question, when I hear those negative voices, because I, I'm never not going to hear them, but when I hear them, I try to feed the voice that wants what's best for me in the future and in the long run, more than I just basically say, like, thanks for sharing.
Like,
you don't need your input right now. You know what I mean?
Damaged Parents: [00:23:41] well, it's almost like take what you like and leave the rest.
Carly Israel: [00:23:43] exactly. And what that voice that tells me that I'm not enough or I'm disgusting or I'm never gonna make it you know, all those, that voice has no interest in, in me succeeding or being at peace. It just wants to cut me down because it doesn't believe it.
I think it's also made up of a lot of the people in our lives since we were little. And that's also a lot of deep, hard work of. Asking ourselves. Those, I know those questions, like, why am I doing
Damaged Parents: [00:24:11] yeah. You guys listeners, you couldn't see, I was making an ugly face.
Carly Israel: [00:24:15] Because it's not easy. Right. You know, so it's all about my favorite quote in the whole world is that the only way out is through and there are no shortcuts. There's
no way out.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:26] And it's so hard to walk through though. So with you're walking through, how do you for you keep going? Because I think what I'm learning is it's different for everyone where they find their courage.
Carly Israel: [00:24:39] And where you find your lifting, your support, where you, cause we can't. I was trained since I was a little girl. I have to do everything by myself because of the child, but I grew up in, and even though my parents got better and they wanted to help me, I wouldn't let them. And I wouldn't let anybody help me because I learned from an early age that you can't depend on anybody.
And so it's. Did it become an unlearning right. Of how do I do this? And also let other people help me cause I need help. I can't do this by myself. Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:12] Yeah. Can we talk about that help thing? So needing caregivers, I've learned, I have to depend on other people, right? Like.
Carly Israel: [00:25:19] I mean, you are excelling in the needing of the help and taking it because you have no other choice.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:24] Right. And that was really hard to get to. So, being that you have a more capable body, right. Which is totally, it's just different than mine. I'm not saying it's better or worse. Your shoes are my shoes because it's not, it's a word just in different situations. So how did you get to a point where you realize the importance of the community of help of relationship and things like that?
How did that happen for you?
Carly Israel: [00:25:52] It's my most uncomfortable of my personality. I know that there's work that I still need to do there. I always do joke with my friends and I'm like, please do not bring me to like lasagna or casserole. If something bad is happening. Like I, not only do I not want it, I will feel intensely uncomfortable. I can give anybody a gift.
And when they give me one I'm so uncomfortable, but I don't tell them that it just makes me uncomfortable. So that's the excepting of it. And that's some work that I need to do, even though I know, like, I feel fabulous who I am, but I still don't like receiving. But when I went through my divorce, I had no other choice, but to accept, help and to ask for it.
So I got really good at it. And so I do it at a massive level. So you asked me like, how did you get courageous enough to write this book? I got courageous enough to tell everybody like everywhere I post on social media, like I need help with this. And you know what people show up, not everybody. But like one of the things I'm known for in my area, I live in a really cute town and a lot of progressive, diverse, really great humans is I like to do this thing.
I don't like to ask people for money. It makes me intensely uncomfortable, but I like to ask people for things that they don't need, but that other people need. And then I find the people that need it. So it all started with a shoe drive. So I very much believe as a parent, my responsibility is to show and teach my children how to be good humans.
Like I don't care what grades they get. I don't care what colleges or they don't go to. I don't care about any of that. I only care if they become a good human, because I know there'll be happy because it doesn't equal like success does you, you know? Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:29] Yeah, because I asked my daughter one time what success was and that she thought it was making money. And I just, asked the question. There was no response ever, but the question I said, what happens if it's happiness? And there was just silence. So hopefully we'll see, because what happened?
What if it is, I'm one of those positive, what ifs? I know a lot of
people use what negatives for what ifs, but I go positive with them. Like.
Carly Israel: [00:27:54] I love that. So I found this little article in like a parenting magazine soles for souls and it was this shoe drive thing. Yeah. And it was super easy and I started off, you could accept used shoes. And the reason why I did it was I used to be a teacher. And I found out that in Haiti, children are not allowed to attend school if they don't have it, pair of shoes to wear to school for health reasons.
And so I have three children and the, you know, the ridiculous amount of shoes that children go through. Okay. So my kids are all in preschool and I put posts out there and I collect 17,000 pairs of shoes and I fill a semi truck and it feels amazing. And the people that I ask for help all want to help because people love giving things, in a cause that is meaningful.
And then I did it again and I clocked at 34,000 and I felt three semis and. From that concept. That's like, my dream is I'll just ask people I'll post, like in our neighborhood and I'll say there's a foster family, 12 minutes away. I know it's hard to imagine that there's people in our area. If you zoom your map out that are in desperate need.
Can you clean out your closets and give me your warm socks. I don't care if you've worn them, just make sure they're clean and your warm hats and gloves, and we'll go drop off stuff for them. And I don't do it so people think I'm a good person because I have zero time. I do it because it's the right thing to do because we have so much.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:20] Yeah. And so it's like, if you're going to do something that is close to your heart and that you feel capable of giving, because that makes the gift that much more. So I have an idea for you that might help with the receiving end,
Carly Israel: [00:29:35] I'm open to, I want to say one thing before your idea,
The cool thing is this is actually the key. To getting to a place in your life where you are okay with yourself. Because if we find ourselves busy doing something for somebody else, not in a people-pleasing way, but in like a true giving way, it removes our concentration on itself.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:53] Yeah. And I think trying to figure out what that is for you is really important because if it's not your idea, but it's society's idea or what you think society wants you to do then it's not a true gift, unless somehow it's touched your heart or your soul.
Carly Israel: [00:30:13] If it doesn't touch your heart and soul, it won't work for you. Right. So the real question is. Would I do this, if nobody knew I did this and it's of course. Yeah. Like I don't tell, I don't like send a picture of myself dropping stuff off when I do, we just do that all the time.
Right. So that is the truth. Am I, am I writing this off for tax purposes? No. Like what is my reason I'm doing this? I do it because I want to remember how good I have it.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:37] Yeah.
Carly Israel: [00:30:38] What were you going to tell me how I can learn, how to accept better?
Damaged Parents: [00:30:41] So I truly believe that there is the gift of receiving.
And, even, I don't think I even figured it out until you're eight of having to have caregivers. Right. I mean, I was always receiving and because I had to at things like that, or at least that's how it felt.
And then I came across Marshall, B Rosenberg's nonviolent communication. And I don't remember where I heard it, but he talked about receiving like, as a gift and it was like, good. When you go to your neighbor for sugar, it's like, ho ho ho you know, like Santa Claus, can you give me some sugar?
And the more I thought about that, the more I realized that if there were no one to receive, I would have never been able to give. And I used to go to this woman's house that had MS and we would make cookies and I loved making cookies with her. I saw her as a human. First, not as her scooter.
Right? Like, and so I don't know where I got in my head that other people saw me as my disability, but I did, and I was more judgmental than anyone else. But anyway, so being able to receive it once I realized that being able to receive it was when I really realized I'm human first. But then I was able to receive with grace and to realize that when I was receiving, I was literally giving a gift and it was a gift to someone else to have that nice, warm feeling.
So, because I was now giving a gift because in my mind, I needed to give to right. I started feeling that nice, warm feeling too.
Carly Israel: [00:32:10] I realize it's selfish, when I don't want to receive it. So I've stopped like outwardly showing that I'm uncomfortable, but this perspective you're giving me is so helpful. One of my son's best friends, three doors away has a horrible form of cancer that we found out last June.
And they are in the really painful position of having to receive a lot of help. And I can't even fathom how uncomfortable that is, but what they're seeing and what their son who's 13 said at one point was there's a lot of really good people and the people who love them that much as so many who can't do anything about his cancer or can't sit with the one parent that's allowed to be in the room because of COVID.
They us, when we get to show up and give, or just trying to show them our love. And when I receive, which I need to do better, if I don't want to receive it, I'm not accepting your love. And I've never even thought about it like that. You're trying to love me. And I'm saying, please, don't love me. I'm trying um please.
Don't love me. That's my old stuff, please don't love me. And that is, I always knew I was going to find it, but that's really uncomfortable to realize. So thanks for letting me do that on your show.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:17] yeah, no problem. No problem. . But yeah, that learning to accept that gift, and I'm so glad that you were able to have the aha.
Carly Israel: [00:33:26] I did. You're like Oprah.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:28] No it's, and again. We're all human right. And I think that you're not the only one that feels that way. I felt that way. And I struggled with that too. There's two of us on this podcast. So how many other people in the world who may not have capacity or are angry because now they physically have to have help and don't want to receive, and don't realize that they're just saying no to love.
Carly Israel: [00:33:53] I've never considered it like that, but when I think of it like that, I can't even fathom. Could you imagine your child coming up to you and trying to love you? And you'd be like, please don't hug me. And that's ultimately what it is. I mean, so I've been acting as if I'm grateful and I mean, I'm grateful, but I'm acting as if I enjoy it, but I don't.
But now I need to understand that the people that send me things because I've touched their lives in a certain way, are doing that. Because they want to show me love just the same way I do when I send them stuff, I would be so sad if I receive one of my little signs that I send to them that was returned to sender.
And they're like, no, thank you. I don't want that. That would hurt.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:34] Yes.
Carly Israel: [00:34:35] We're having a lot of highs right here.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:37] yeah. It would really hurt.
Carly Israel: [00:34:40] That's the same thing. Please don't help me please. Don't show up in my life. No. Okay. You wanna bring a casserole? Fine. I mean, Great. You want to show me your love in a casserole. Okay. And the reason why I know that is, you know, one of the things that we haven't touched upon is my son has two really scary medical things, which has been my biggest growth for a hundred million percent as a human.
And when we were going through the scariest parts of it, and we have other parts that are scary, I'm like, please don't bring me anything. Please don't show up because at that point, I was struggling so hard that I couldn't even tackle the idea that like, you're trying to love me. And I don't want to let you love me because I'm, that was, it was too uncomfortable on top of the scary stuff.
But now that I'm growing, I need to allow that because we know how important it is.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:27] Yeah. And that doesn't mean that you're going to be perfect at it either. I don't think right. Because there's still going to be times where you're like, Nope, I'm good. I know for me, there are so, and I think again, that's part of that human experience. I don't think it would be fair if I expected everyone to be perfect and.
And not me. Right. Because I can't, I know in my mind I can't be, it doesn't mean I don't try to right.
Carly Israel: [00:35:50] right,
Damaged Parents: [00:35:51] And then I have those expectations for other people.
Carly Israel: [00:35:54] That inner voice. But if I start loving myself for who I am, what I'm able to do and not able to do, then I'll have an easier time with you. When I see you doing something that I think you should do differently. And a lot about permission
Damaged Parents: [00:36:08] Yeah. Yeah. And I can't tell you how much I've learned by having to, by getting to not having,
getting, to invite people into my life, to help me and the joy she's holding up and get to sign guys, but getting to have that joy that's associated
with having those other people. So when you recognize that. I mean, I I'm sure it has taken a community with your son. It sounds like it was a huge medical scare. And at the same time you were, it was really hard to accept that. So, I mean, I'm not sure what other humans could do in that moment of someone being in that position, except for just love them, where they're at.
What are your thoughts?
Carly Israel: [00:36:47] Yeah, I think you hit it right on the head. I think that one of the gifts. Through growth through growing and going through scary medical stuff. And continuing to do that with my son is sometimes the best thing you can do is just tell them, I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can say. I'm just going to hold your hand and love you.
And the cool thing I would love to share. So I have gone through this experience for the last 11 plus years because my son, we almost lost him when he was six months old. He's going to be God-willing 12 in July. And he has other scary medical things. So I've learned the hard way, what people should not say to people when they're going through scary things.
Like the worst thing that in my experience, you can tell someone who's going through something really scary, like a sickness of a kid or a family member is that it's going to be okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:36] Oh, that's the worst
or that there's going to be a fix, or if somebody prays over you and they're like certain that you're going to be healed and it's like, okay.
Carly Israel: [00:37:49] It made me feel isolated when people would tell me things were going to be okay or fine, because I knew more information than they did medically, and that was not necessarily the truth. And so what I get to say to my friend, Emily is, and I'll share this beautiful story. So June of last year, she was really afraid that he might have like a GI condition.
And like the biggest concern was that he wasn't gonna able to eat certain things. And then two days later she gets like the worst call you can get as a parent and they're down in the ER and they find tumors in his body and their entire life changes. And they knew it was some kind of cancer, but they didn't know what kind.
So I was on a walk with her. This is in the middle of COVID. So it's June. So it's three months in no one's touching everyone's masked I mean, the fact that he was even in my car masked was insane. And so we're on a walk. And I'm telling her my story of what happened with my kid. Cause she never actually knew my story because we became friends only a year. And as I'm telling her of the worst part of our story, her phone rings and it's the doctor with the diagnosis. And because I've been there, I see her drop to the ground in the middle of a sidewalk on the grass. And she has the phone. She doesn't have it on speaker. So I'm just hearing what she's saying.
And I'm trying to type in my phone, like the words, the medical scary words that she's saying. So I can be of service to her because I know that's really important to like, you need to all this stuff. Cause doctors, they have like two seconds, then you don't get to talk to them again. And I reach out my hand and it was the first time I touched another person other than like my three kids right.
In the middle of COVID and she reached her hand back out. And so when they've been in New York getting a 16 hour surgery or in like, 10 million round of chemo. I just sent her a message that I'm holding your hand because someone sent that to me when I was going through this stuff and they weren't there, but I, for me, holding someone's hand is not trying to make it better.
It's not trying to take it away. It's just saying you're not dealing with it's alone. And I think that we all need that. We all need to feel like we don't have to do this by ourselves.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:50] Yeah. And it's really interesting because I think at least my understanding of where we are as a society in the United States is that it's a very individualistic very much. So you did it on your own. And though one. It's not possible. It's just not possible. Even the CEO that company would not have been successful without everyone doing their job.
And I think that's, that's something I would like to see change.
Carly Israel: [00:40:21] right? It's the exact opposite of everything I thought was how it was supposed to behave. The way that makes the most beauty and sense is that we have to hold hands and stick together. And that used to be the scariest thing for me, because I thought that all people were going to, we're going to disappoint me.
And I found out that that's not true. That. Yes, there are some people who are not accountable and there are some people that are going to hurt you. And those people will teach you valuable lessons. But that doesn't mean that everyone is like that because there's amazing humans in this world. And those are my people and the other people are the people that I look to remind myself of how I don't want to behave.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:01] That's so deep. I love that. I mean, and it's so true. I mean, I just think of so many different ways. Dead. I just wonder more so than anything. I guess the different ways we could start to teach that community is important. That relationships are important, that it does take a village. And when I'm that mom and the grocery store, which I was many years ago with the screaming child and the, that, instead of looking around for a judge, wondering how I was being judged, I wish I would have been able to look up and go, yeah, This is my child and I'm struggling right now and I could really use some help. I wish I could have done that
Carly Israel: [00:41:42] And, and then had another mom look at you and go. I've been there. I mean, there was a time when I thought that Target was going to put a picture of me and my son up and they were going to be like, do not let this woman and her child ever come in here and get right as he's going boneless in the parking lot.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:57] Right. Or is the date in a restaurant and they're screaming and you're certain you're going to get kicked out. But, then if you don't go, then you can't teach them how to behave in the restaurant, but then you're also getting the judgment for do, Oh my gosh. It's just,
Carly Israel: [00:42:11] It's all because here's so much what everybody else thinks about us and who cares. I have a beautiful art piece. I don't know if I'm allowed. There's a swear word in it. Am I allowed to share it here?
Damaged Parents: [00:42:21] Yeah, I
Carly Israel: [00:42:22] Okay. You can, you can beep it out if you need to, but it's not mine, but I love it. It says behold, the fields in which I grow my lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.
And I need to remember that I don't have time or energy or space. To be so micromanaging about what everyone else thinks about what I'm doing in my life.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:41] yeah, and nine times out of a 10. I don't think they really care.
I don't even think they're thinking about us. I think they were thinking about them because if I'm doing that with myself, chances are they're doing that with themselves. You know?
Carly Israel: [00:42:56] And then if they really are thinking about me, then I'm like, get a life, like, is my life so interesting, but you need to look at my life like, okay,
Damaged Parents: [00:43:03] isn't that, isn't it funny that, and I just want to point out the complexity that we can be. Both. We don't always fit in one side or the other. It's not, but it's, and, and I do this, I judge and I also try not to judge.
Carly Israel: [00:43:22] Cause we're human. We're not perfect. No, one's perfect. We're doing the best we can. And sometimes our best is awesome. And sometimes it's a shit show. Like it's all, you know, sometimes mom, sometimes we have to go back to the house four times in one car ride because I forgot the leash and then I forgot the phone.
And then I forgot to turn off this. And my kids are, they're used to me saying it's okay, guys, we're not going to die. Like, no one's going to die because we were a few minutes late to something because I want them to understand that we don't have to be perfect. There's no such thing.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:54] This except maybe this moment right now
Carly Israel: [00:43:57] that. I, cause I feel safe right now. I have no, nothing I need in this moment. Do
Damaged Parents: [00:44:03] Yeah, no,
Carly Israel: [00:44:04] That's pretty. You don't even need anyone to help you with it this moment. You're like, you're like,
Damaged Parents: [00:44:07] No, because I'm talking to you that I can talk. I don't want to have to try and use my hands for that.
Carly Israel: [00:44:13] Well, I guess this is part of, this is part of your journey is you just need to use your mouth and your voice.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:18] Right? I love you.
Carly Israel: [00:44:20] Me too. I love you too. I found another soul sister along the way.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:24] Right, right. Isn't that the best part of this whole journey is that we get to meet people. We get to have aha's and I don't have to look at myself when I have that aha's. Oh my gosh, I'm wrong. It's just a new realization. And maybe I wasn't ready for it. 10 minutes, even before it happened. That it happened in the moment I needed it to happen in.
And I think that's fantastic. I really do. I'm so glad we've been
Carly Israel: [00:44:52] me too. Thank you so much for having me.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:55] Three things though, three things you want the listeners, if they're going through that dark time and they can be things we've already talked about, that you would just want to really reiterate or something else, it doesn't matter.
Just three tips or tools for them.
Carly Israel: [00:45:10] So the most important one is that there are always options that sometimes it feels like you've, you can see all the options, but what I found my own experience is sometimes. I don't have a view of all the options, and I need to ask someone else to help me see if there are other options. So that's the most important one.
There's always options. And the other one I would say is that I truly believe that everybody has a story and that everyone's story is worthy of being heard. And don't judge yourself for what other people are going to think of your story, because your story could end up saving somebody's life. Do I need to do a third?
Damaged Parents: [00:45:51] Oh, third one. We need one more. Yep.
Carly Israel: [00:45:52] The only way out is through, there are no shortcuts. You gotta do the work. This doesn't just happen magically. You can't order it on Amazon.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:57] Nope. Okay. So one thing we didn't talk about that I just want to touch on briefly before we close up, is that I am so glad I got to zeet you
today.
Carly Israel: [00:46:06] Yeah. It's, we're zeeting.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:07] So what you guys, as listeners don't know is that we had chit-chatted and decided, you know, there's so many times where meeting people over zoom that we need to, we needed to create a word for that.
So we decided, in fact, I think it was Carly
that came up with it. We both, okay. You know what? We'll both take responsibility for it, but we decided we're zeeting so , we zeeted for the first
Carly Israel: [00:46:28] Instead of meeting, we zoom meeted
Damaged Parents: [00:46:30] Exactly.
Carly Israel: [00:46:31] and it was wonderful to zeet you. I hope to zeet again.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:34] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Carly about how she recovered from alcoholism and family dynamics. We especially Liked when she talked about. Holding hands with other people and being vulnerable and connecting.
To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then
