BONUS - Episode 27: Therapist Survivor
May Alirad
About: May Saengpraseuth Alirad, MSW is the Founder and CEO of De Lao Coaching or De Lao CCE with a mission to empower survivors of assault to take control of their lives. May is also the Executive Director for an Asian nonprofit in the greater Chicagoland area. She is a survivor of sexual assault and a social worker. May is an activist, community leader, philanthropist, entrepreneur, and an author. She wrote a book to empower fellow survivors of sexual assault to find their voice and take control of their life. Her book will launch on Tuesday April 27th, in honor of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Additionally, the ebook will be free for three days in order to get this life changing book out to as many people as possible.
Social media and contact information:
Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/294954202000292/?ref=share
LinkedIn Page: https://www.linkedin.com/in/may-saengpraseuth-alirad-69255078/
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/may.saengpraseuth
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where assaulted, alone, confused people come to learn maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than.
Like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage itself, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them
Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have got a special bonus episode with May Alirad the author of Was I Assaulted My Guide To Healing as a Survivor releasing today. Make sure you pick up now, you can have a free ebook for three days. Make sure you go and get it today. So you don't miss out. It's going to be amazing.
May Alirad: [00:02:05] Thank you. Yes, thank you so much. Please download it on Amazon. It is free and honor of sexual assault awareness and prevention month. So please download it today.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:18] Yes. Thank you so much may for coming on the show, you know, we briefly got to talk a few weeks ago about what you had been through and it was just briefly, so I'm really intrigued to go into a little more in depth in a conversation style about what the feelings were like and all of that.
But one thing I really want people to know is that I think is fascinating is that you're a licensed social worker. Right.
May Alirad: [00:02:48] Yes. Yes, I am.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:49] And so not many social workers come out and say, and really own the struggle that they've been through. And I'm really fascinated with that idea because I think you have another perspective.
So tell me, tell us what gave you the courage as a social worker? Cause I think it probably took courage. I think there's still judgements that social workers need to be perfect or healthy or whatever. And for you to be able to do this, to share with us your vulnerability,
May Alirad: [00:03:22] Thank you. Thank you again. Yes. I would say it definitely took a lot of courage. And to be honest with you, it took me 30 years to finally get to this point where I could open up and share about my story. So I guess one of the things that really helped me to overcome this sense of guilt, shame, condemnation, and fear that so often accompanies survivors or victims of sexual assault or other types of assault.
I had a. I guess you would call it an aha moment or I had a revelation. And to be honest with you, it just happened six months ago, literally six months ago before that. Oh no, everything was really hush hush. And even when I was getting therapy, I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't tell my family. I couldn't tell my friends.
I had so much shame in getting help for me being sexually assaulted.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:26] Okay. So you're a clinical social worker and you're helping people in those situations. And you couldn't talk about it either.
May Alirad: [00:04:36] Yes. Yes, that's right. So I am a licensed school social worker in the States in, Illinois in Chicago. And so I've been a licensed school social worker for 14 years. And so I've been doing it a long time. And so even though I would see families would provide service to students and say, Hey, you know, you don't have to be ashamed.
It's okay. Everyone needs help. Like, I couldn't internalize that myself. I couldn't say to myself it's okay. Everyone needs help. I, I couldn't say that to myself and I, I think it's, so I think interesting that you bring up that, earlier, before the introduction, how I had the courage to do this, and, a lot of people wouldn't come out, especially in the helping profession.
And I think that was really one of the things that kept me. Back from sharing because I'm like, I don't want people to know I have problems. Like I'm the helper. I can't let people know I need help. So yeah, that's definitely such an important, I think element in my story that I didn't want people to know personally, but also professionally.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:51] I think for me, it reminds me that we're all human in, regardless of the role you're in, whether it's a doctor, a therapist or anything else by you sharing your story. It helps me remember that when I go into that doctor's office, they're fallible. When I go into that social worker's office or to that therapist or to my neighbor, we're all fallible.
And I think that's important in accepting all of humanity as. As it is and not how we think it should be. What are your thoughts on that?
May Alirad: [00:06:27] I completely agree with you. I think it really adds a sense of empathy. Especially I think for me, because I am also a victim, a survivor that I'm so much more empathetic to my clients, to the students, to the families that I serve, because I've thought what they've thought I've been in their shoes.
I've done what they're desperately not wanting to tell me that they've done. I've had suicidal ideations and all of these different things that clients my students would tell me about. And I think to be in a place of empathy, I think it's such a powerful place. And also to know that we are all human, I think that's so important.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:14] Yeah. And I think you're also in a prime position to pick up on telltale signs or even maybe not blatant signs, like where you question and do you, I'm thinking I'm certain, you see students who don't want to say and you pick up on something and you're able to ask a question and then they're better able to open up and feel safe about it.
What are your thoughts or what has been your experience?
May Alirad: [00:07:39] Yeah, I would agree. Yes, definitely. I think because it started, when I was so young also I was around six or seven when I was first assaulted. And so having it be when I was so young and in elementary school and all of that. Yeah. I would say that I kind of listen out or think about different things like how I did back in back when I was maybe their age.
And so I would say well, I'm not sure how other therapists do who haven't been sexually assaulted, but personally for me I would say that we I'm, kind of able to read between the lines, like, I'll give you a prime example. So when I first started about 14 years ago, I was given a school and there was this she was, I think she was in eighth grade.
So, she wrote a letter. To the teacher and saying that she wanted to kill herself. So obviously anything mental health counseling profession, pres preservation of life is number one. So I stopped everything I was doing. The teacher emailed me. I was like, yes, please bring her down. Like I need to talk to her right now.
So as I was talking to her and building the rapport and asking how things were going and just keeping it very light. I further went to my concern about the letter. And I was like, Hey, I'm concerned about something. There was something that was brought to my attention. Do you know what it could be?
And immediately she knew it was the letter. So I was like, yeah, it's the letter. I'm worried. We're all worried. Can you tell me about it? And so. I guess just like with questioning everything just like, Hey, tell me about it. Why did you write this letter and what happened? What, led to it, right?
What led to you wanting to take your life at this point? And that was when she disclosed to me that she was sexually assaulted by a cousin. And at that point, I knew I had to contact her mom. I had to talk to her and tell her just the different steps that I had to do that we had to go through just to make sure she was safe.
And so her mom came in and everyone's crying now she's crying. The student's crying, the mom's crying. I internally want to cry too, but I'm like trying to keep a straight face about it. And so we're all really an emotional state, but that student was hospitalized for a week at a psychiatric facility. And I think if I didn't understand the importance of the sexual assault. I was maybe just like, Oh, well, don't worry. It happened some time ago, you know, it's all right. If I just dismiss that and in a way, and really didn't take precedent a bit. Like I. I don't know. I think the outcomes could have been different and that's actually one of the reasons why I became a school social worker, because when I was six or seven, I didn't have anyone to go to.
Like, I didn't have a Miss May in my life. I never told my parents, I didn't even get professional help until I was in my thirties until I was 32. And at that point it was already 25 years of continuous assault. So that was the first, but that wasn't the first and only, and by different people, like, different partners that I was with even people I was in relationships with like my boyfriends at the time. And so it's a lot of trauma I would say. And that getting any help for it for 25 years is a very long time.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:21] Okay. I want to hear your story from the beginning, if you will, or wherever it starts for you so that we can dive a little more into it. And because what I'm hearing is it may not have been the same partner and that there's so much other emotional. There are so many other emotional connections when sexually assaulted that it can make it really hard to want to live in some ways and be free.
And then it sounds like it also makes it really hard to have relationships. So just start your journey and maybe we'll dig in and some of those areas along the way,
May Alirad: [00:11:59] Okay. All right. So we'll start at around six or seven. And so this was, on a church bus. So we were on our way to church and it was someone that I knew an acquaintance. We were around the same age and he stuck his hand down my pants and that's all I remember. I don't even remember before or after.
I don't remember any contextual details, but I remember thinking it was my fault. Like, although this person did this to me, it was my fault for being there. It was my fault for sitting next to him. It was my fault that I was sexually assaulted. And I decided that I was not gonna tell anyone I was gonna, it was my secret forever because I didn't.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:49] And you're in first, second grade. Six or seven. Right. And you just decided on your own, it was your fault that someone else did this to you. Okay. Okay. I just wanted to really clarify the age range and the internal thought that because like originally what I was thinking was a family member or something like that, where there's the shame and that it sounds like the shame doesn't change, who or where.
May Alirad: [00:13:18] Yeah. Yeah, that's a really great point. Right. So it was just an acquaintance no blood relation or anything. And yeah, I made the decision that I couldn't tell anyone about this. And I was afraid that if I did say something that they would tell me that it was my fault. So in my mind, I'm rationalizing.
Like if I say it, it's going to be worse for me than if I don't say it. And then if I don't say anything, well, what happened after that was so like you said, first, second grade, up until sixth grade, when my parents would take me on play dates with other kids, I was abusing other children. So I was sexually assaulting other children. And that was something that I carry. I feel like I still carry that for, since it happened, I am so upset with myself that I would abuse someone else knowing that what someone else did to me. Like I knew how that felt, but I would go and experiment with other children, and different things. And I think I lived with that guilt as in my mind being a predator. So I was the victim, but then I was also the offender at a point in my life.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:44] Right. So you experienced that, you knew you didn't like it.
And then went and did the same or similar things to other kids around you. I mean, it's really hard to, I'm sure it's really hard to think back. Do you think that was like a way to maybe control while if this is going to happen, I'm going to do this anyway, or I don't know what your thought process was, what maybe you could let us in on that.
If you even remember.
May Alirad: [00:15:12] Oh, I absolutely don't know what my thought process was at six, seven, eight, nine, 10, no idea. No clue. But with the help of my therapist we thought of some narratives, I think, for explaining that. And I think the best narrative for anyone that has been sexually assaulted and has now become the abuser or assaulter is that you do on to others what has been done to you? Right. It's like, you don't know better. It's like hurting people, hurt people. And me as a young child, it was me trying to figure it out. I was trying to figure it out through play, like what this was that happened to me because I didn't have the language for it.
Obviously. Now I have a master's degree and all of that. And 15 years experience, you know, I have the language for it, but at six, seven, I didn't at six, seven up until sixth grade. I didn't have a language for that at 10 11, you know? No And so I think that's the narrative that we came up with that,
Damaged Parents: [00:16:21] makes sense. It makes sense to me that you would act it out and try to understand
May Alirad: [00:16:28] yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:28] I'm not certain maybe that's what that little boy was doing. We don't.
May Alirad: [00:16:33] Yeah. We, definitely don't know. But we do know one thing, he had a disability, like I know this, I'm not just making it up. He had a cognitive disability, like you would call him a student that receives special education services. And I think because of his disability, I was harder on myself because to me it was like, I knew he didn't know better.
I knew better because I don't have that type of cognitive disability. So even at six seven, like I, I thought about all of these things. Like it's my fault because he has a disability. I don't, when I tell someone I'm going to get in more trouble, they're going to yell at me and ask me, why was I there?
So I was really afraid of victim shaming. Like I was afraid of that shame that I was going to get potentially get. So yeah, I didn't say anything. So it's stopped at sixth grade. I'm not sure as to the reasons why or anything. I think it may have been. I'm really not sure, in the suburbs, of Chicago, middle school is seventh and eighth grade and then you go to high school.
So from kindergarten up until. Sixth grade year in elementary school. And it was as if, when I went to high school, when I went to middle school, I was just like, maybe this isn't right. Like, I, I shouldn't be doing this anymore. So yeah, when I got to seventh grade, like that stopped altogether, but in eighth grade I was sexually assaulted by a friend.
We were hanging out and he tried to rape me in front of other people. And so that was very scary. Thank God. They like stood up for me. and was like, we were alone, stop it, you know, kind of thing. And he stopped, but it was very scary for me. That was about, that was in eighth grade. And then. Then in high school, there were a couple incidences.
I was over, this guy's house that I was dating and he tried to rape me in his house and his mom was upstairs. I mean, I'm like, Hey, your mom is here. My God. So I, that was, I don't know. That was very strange. And then with another acquaintance at a different time, so that was throughout high school.
It was middle school and high school. About three times I can remember vividly.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:00] Right. I mean, it sounds like you were in what would have been believed to be safe situations. You go over to a boy's house and the mom is home. I mean, it doesn't sound like you're purposefully ever putting yourself in that situation and on, on purpose.
May Alirad: [00:19:17] Right I mean, there were other people around. It wasn't like I was there with just myself and this other person, you know, there was clearly people around. And so I guess to me, I just felt like those were safe situations. Like we're just watching TV, like how am I supposed to know he's going to pull out a condom and try to rape me.
He's literally now, like on top of me, like pulling my underwear off and I'm like, no, no stop, stop. You know? And I'm still a virgin, at that time. And they put a condom on and then I'm like, I don't even know what happened. I think he tried, but he couldn't get it right. Or something.
I don't know. But all I know is I kicked him off and like just drove home, you know? And it was, I was living in the suburbs. I mean, it was like an hour, an hour and a half drive. I really liked this guy and he did this terrible thing to me. And, and I just want to add this, that when I confronted him about it, about like, what you did to me was wrong.
Like that was not okay. And he responded with, well, you belong to me anyways. I think that was when I first was objectified and that I knew I was,
Damaged Parents: [00:20:28] Okay. So it's the first time you recognize that you were viewed as an object
May Alirad: [00:20:32] I didn't know, like what just happened with sexual assault? I didn't have the word. No, no idea. I just was, he tried to do this weird thing to me. Like he tried to have sex with me, but I didn't equate it to sexual assault. I didn't equate it to that. He did this. I didn't have the words for it. I think because I think my book is perfect.
Was I assaulted like all my life. I didn't know I was assaulted. I didn't have the words for it. And I think a part of me was, I didn't want to believe it. Like, no, this just didn't happen to me. I came from a good family, like that's to me, like I'm not even out here having sex. I'm still a virgin. I don't drink, I don't smoke.
Like sexual assault victims are like people who are out there partying, clubbing, drug addicts, prostitutes, right? Like, this is my mind. I'm like I'm neither of those, I'm none of those things, like I could not have been sexually assaulted, so I didn't even have the words for it. I didn't know. Even though he tried to rape me, I still didn't know.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:35] Right, right. That, and that's really interesting because I think there's probably a lot of women who think that same thing that don't realize, Oh, this really did just happen. And that is what I call it. And I think maybe there's a certain sense of embarrassment that comes with saying that I'm not certain if that's the right emotion, and to put to it.
It's like, I think maybe it's from that female narrative of we're responsible for what happens to us and we must've been doing something to deserve it. I'm not sure. What are your thoughts on that?
May Alirad: [00:22:09] I definitely think that could have played a role also. And I think, especially in our society and especially in our culture, like having a rape culture, blaming the victim, right. Like instead of, people will ask, well, what were you wearing? What are you doing there? Like, why, why were you there?
Wait, wait, wait. Why did he rape me? Can someone ask him why he just raped me? Like, instead of asking me why I was at a specific location or what I was wearing, like, no. And I think this narrative that we have in the States is it's very it's very discouraging. I'm not using the correct terms.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:49] Well, I think even by just using that language and those questions, say to the victim, you're guilty, but why were you there? And the other question, like, what were you wearing? Because there's this underlying tone of what you must have been in the wrong place and you must have been wearing the wrong thing. When in reality, it usually generally has nothing to do with that at all.
May Alirad: [00:23:16] Well, and the thing is, it doesn't matter if someone were a skanky dress that does not matter if someone were a skanky dress or had their thong out or whatever, that doesn't matter. That doesn't mean, okay. Come and rape me. I'm saying here it's a free for all right. So it never matters like what someone is wearing, any of that, like that should not be a factor at all.
What we really need to focus on is what happened that this person would want to rape someone else where they high, where they drunk. Did they just think that I can overpower them with, you know, my strength and the thing is. The people that took advantage of me. Like, I don't even think at that time they were high drunk or anything.
I think it was more of power, a power struggle, like wanting to have power over me. And like, I don't know. I guess all the people that I've been assaulted with have been men. So I would say men chauvinism of some sort like, that you belong to me kind of thing. So
Damaged Parents: [00:24:19] Okay. This didn't end at high school though. It went on for 25 years, I think is what you said. So, I mean, you just kept finding yourself in these situations.
May Alirad: [00:24:31] Yeah. I just kept finding myself in these situations. I think it was like just the type of men I was attracting. I don't know if I was. Just attracting specific type of men or, but the important thing I want to note is that it was safer like in middle school, high school, but when I got to be an adult, like in my twenties, that's when the settings kind of change, I was like, maybe sleeping over their house or they were like sleeping over my house so the setting of the interaction changed.
So like after we went on a date, I'd be like, Oh, do you want to go watch TV? Do you want to watch movies or something like that? And so that was when like those situations happened, with that. Or if it was like, we were doing something sexual. But not having sex. And then they put it on themselves like that, Oh, we can have sex now.
Like you're clearly wanting to have sex with me. And without me, even notice, I know like, how am I not noticing? Right. If someone's behind me, I don't know what they're doing behind me. Right. Like, whereas if they're in front of me, I'm like, okay, no, don't put your penis inside of me.
And the thing is with all of these men, I had made it clear like, Hey, I don't want to have sex with you. Okay. That's not what we're doing right now. So I feel like, well, what's the majority of them. I think, I think except one, it was just took me all the way by surprise anyways.
So with all the men that I'm referring to right now I made that known that I was practicing celibacy at that time and that I didn't want to have sex and that's not what I wanted to do. And they violated my. I mean I don't want to say it's different when someone doesn't say it, but I, I clearly made that a point from my history and you know, all of that.
Like, I clearly made it a point to say that and to bring that up
Damaged Parents: [00:26:28] Okay. So I've, got to ask. Because you went up to the apartments or, you know, you were in those situations and you had said, you know, you had made it clear.
Did you still feel guilt of not guilty shame that, that you did this, that you set yourself up for this.
May Alirad: [00:26:46] Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. I think the one word is called boundaries that I wrote that in my book, I have a whole chapter on like boundaries. And it's so important to understand boundaries and I think as victims of sexual assault, because our boundary has been overstepped has been violated. I think we kind of don't know about healthy and unhealthy boundaries, right?
I don't want to say don't know, it's like, we have to relearn it or something or learn about it or something. I think because I wrote this in my book. Don't go over someone's house. If you just met them that day, like that's not a good idea or don't invite them over to your house.
But to me. At that time, I was like, Oh, he seems like a really nice guy. And so I made my objectives known, so I think will be okay. It's just a cup of coffee. It's just a movie. It was always, Oh, it's going to be okay. I can take care of myself. It was like, I had this unrealistic boundary of some sor like, although I wasn't sexually charged in that way, or I didn't want to have sex with them.
Like in my mind I was thinking, Oh, they don't want to have sex with me.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:16] Okay. So in some ways thinking, they're thinking how you're thinking, maybe
May Alirad: [00:28:21] Right. Also also no these are also things I verbalized too, though.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:26] Oh, okay.
May Alirad: [00:28:27] I have literally said, I don't want to have sex. I'm practicing celibacy, so we're not going to have sex. Okay. Like this is one of our first conversations that we're having like, Oh yeah, no, I'm not having sex right now. I'm practicing celibacy.
It's, you know, a spiritual religious thing or, whatever. Right. So these are real life conversations. Not in my mind with actual real life people. But in my mind, I was thinking that it was innocent when it might not have been in their mind. And clearly wasn't in their mind. Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:01] Right that you have one idea and they have another idea. Maybe they took that as a challenge. I don't know who knows what they were thinking. Right. We don't know. So learning to set boundaries because you sit there's like this blurred line, I think is what I was, well, I don't think you said blurred line. I think that's what I pictured in my mind is that there's this blurred boundary. So you say it and then it's disrespected. And then it seems like to me that.
There would become this belief based on what you were saying and just how I'm processing and thinking about it. That then what good is a boundary if it's not going to be respected. So how do you, how does one who's experienced these situations learn to set and hold boundaries, especially when they've been violated so often and setting them can be super scary.
I'm thinking because, well, not setting them, keeping them can be super scary because of what that might mean.
May Alirad: [00:30:03] well, I was not able to establish healthy boundaries until probably when I started going to therapy. So this is a language that I learned from therapy. Like boundaries. You have to set boundaries like boundaries. There are boundaries. Like, I didn't know, I had power for boundaries, like, you know, and I think one of the things Angela, is that when someone has violated you, when someone hasn't violated you in the most vial way, You know your body, right?
Especially sexually like inside your body. And you know, you have this sense of powerlessness, you learn to believe like it's a self fulfilling prophecy that you don't have power anymore because the things that you say, the things that you want, the things that you put out there are disrespected or disregarded, you as essentially come to realize that you don't matter as a human being, like my thoughts don't matter.
My desires don't matter. My wants don't matter. They don't matter. And I don't matter. And then what happens is I think in a way, like I started objectifying myself,
Damaged Parents: [00:31:22] Explain that.
May Alirad: [00:31:23] There was this one time. So you know, the time period, and then in my like twenties, right where it was like several different times. But other times I'm going to go back. And then the other times it was like, I was cohorts into it. There was like a lot of coercion like with it, like, I didn't want to have sex with them, but it was like, well, I'll go have sex with someone else.
Or, it was like feeling like this pressure. If I don't do it, then they won't like me anymore or they won't want to be with me anymore. So it was always like this power over me. And in regards to me, objectifying myself. So at 32, I'm back at myself at kick right at 32. And I met this guy, on a dating website and he was like, so cute. He was so successful. He drove a Mercedes-Benz, he had a really nice condo and it just seemed he just had everything together. Like had a government job, seemingly very successful. Right. And he was like, I mean, it was kind of weird because on the first date he was like, Oh, can I come over your house? I just don't want this night to end and, you know, whatever. And in my mind, again, I'm just like, Oh, he's just coming over, he's whatever, you know? So I, I haven't had the conversation with him yet. Right. But it was really innocent. Like we just cuddled and nothing happened. So I was like, okay, things like this can happen, you know, without other things happening.
And, that was me being naive. Right. Wanting to believe the good in people and not understanding boundaries or having any, and then he like was like, let's be in a relationship. Like we just like met, you want to be in a relationship. And I'm just thinking, Oh my gosh.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:20]
the first date?
May Alirad: [00:33:21] Well, shortly after, like within a week or so.
Yeah, it was like in a short time period, like he wanted to be in a relationship. Okay. I'm feeling flattered at this point now, because this super cool guy, I mean, if we were in high school, we would be like, Oh my God, the football quarterback wants to date? Like, okay. That's how it was like, if I was in high school, right.
It was like, so flattering, like, Oh my gosh. Okay. So I think I was like really flattered that he liked me, that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. So to me it was like, okay, I'm winning, I'm thinking I'm winning. Right. Okay. I'm winning in a relationship. I'm winning in love now. And so I was like, Oh, okay.
Kind of thing. All right. So yeah, it happened really fast. And then, Shortly after that, I think it was him like setting the stage up, right. Like, okay. We're in a relationship, like, come sleep over at my house, you know, whatever. Let's mess around. We're in a relationship now. Right. So ladies, please, please don't get fooled.
Okay. No, no, like take your time. And that's in my book too, but some of my book, like. Don't jump into something. And also another thing is trust should be earned. Not given, like I'm not going to trust you just because you're a human being and you seem decent. No, I'm going to trust you because you're showing me that you deserve to be trusted.
And that's one of the things I learned. Don't give trust out for free because then you let your guards down. Right. I was trusting, I was too trusting. So he's like, yeah, you know where to relationships come spend the night or whatever. I'm like, okay. And as we're like engaging in sexual stuff, like I'm like, Hey, no, no, I don't want to have sex.
This happened in real life. Not in my mind, Hey, I don't want to have sex. Okay. Like, it's too early, whatever. Like, I don't want to have sex right now. And he says this, do you trust me? These are words that came out of his mouth. Do you trust me?
Damaged Parents: [00:35:20] What does that have to do with not having sex?
May Alirad: [00:35:23] Basically, do you trust me that I wouldn't put my penis inside of you?
Do you trust me? But you're right. To me it was, do you trust me that I'm not going to put my penis inside of you? I was like, yeah, I trust you. And so the whole time I'm like pushing him off, pushing his hips off, for him to not put his penis inside near and I'm like, wait, stop.
No, no, I'm pushing him. I'm like, literally like pushing him off. Right. And then he asks, do I trust him? And in my mind, I'm like, yeah. Okay. I trust you and you already know what happened. Next, next thing I know someone penis inside me without a condom. Yeah. That's what happened when I trusted someone. Yeah. And then I pushed him off, ran into his living room and started crying on the couch and. He had the nerve to be like, what's wrong? What happened? Like, you know what kind of like, not knowing he just raped me. This man. Just not know he raped me. Do people, rape people and not know that they raped them.
Like, if I'm telling you, I don't want to have sex, like, and then you forced yourself on me, that's rape. You don't know that. Like, and I think we, as a society have to do a better job at telling people this is rape. When A, B, C have you sell the there's like a YouTube video. It says like, consent is like drinking tea.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:42] I haven't seen it.
May Alirad: [00:36:43] Yeah. So he's like consent. It's like drinking tea. If you ask someone do they want tea? And they said, okay, sure. If you make the tea for them and bring it out and they say, ah, I don't want tea anymore. Like, I don't want to have sex anymore. Then you can't force that tea on them.
Okay. It's over. They don't want to have tea anymore. Okay. If that person is unconscious, like you can't pour tea on them, you can't give them tea when they're unconscious. Okay. If they say no, no, thank you. I don't want tea. Don't make them drink the tea.
Right. And it was like this very beautiful, like, easy to understand equating sex with tea. Like the person is not responding. If the person fell asleep, don't force the tea down their throat. If the person is unable to respond, don't force the tea on them. Like don't have sex with them.
It's really amazing. It's such a simple explanation of it, but we, as a society need to do a better job of really pushing back on the abusers.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:47] Yeah, that, and I think also even like your own narrative, so maybe educating children sooner than later. And I know there are a lot, there's a lot of pushback in schools, at least from what I've heard with parents who think sexual education doesn't need to happen, as early or as often. And I think it's only annually right now.
I know parents, at least in my area were very concerned when my children were in elementary school, that they were even talking about it. And. My thought is it's, important to know. And I'm thinking maybe if a child finds himself in the same situation you found yourself, and then they might have that language.
What are your thoughts about sexual education in the school and it, and at what age might it be appropriate or inappropriate? Because, I mean, I guess it could open up a can of worms. I don't know.
May Alirad: [00:38:38] I think maybe instead of the school setting for the home setting, I think having an awareness for the home setting. Right. Because we can't, as the educational system touch every single home, some homes students aren't coming to school. Right. And I think it's important to, I think I know at the schools that I'm at, they don't start that until middle school, you know, like fifth, sixth, seventh grade, eighth grade, you know, when they start really allowing them to talk about it in PE yeah, That's really interesting.
I don't even want to call it sex. Ed. I want to call it like maybe like healthy touching something else, like not having to do with sex ed, not having to do with sexual organs or menstrual cycles. Not even anything like that, but more like healthy touching and unhealthy touching, healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries.
I think having something like that, even as early as even pre-K like, that could be. Really life-changing I think for children and for parents, I think to have a training, like, how do I know if my child's been sexually assaulted by a family member, by a friend? How do I cultivate that environment that they will come and talk to me about it?
And I didn't have a good relationship with with my mom. And so when it happened to me, her voice was ringing in my head about what were you doing there? That boy's crazy. It, why were you there? Like, because of her voice in my mind, I was so afraid of her voice of her condemning voice that I couldn't, I refuse to say anything.
And I think how do we build an environment and a culture at home to have our children feel comfortable to talk to us? How do we build that environment of love of safety? Right? Like I have a daughter she'll be two next month. And when I look at her, if I never did anything right in my life, right. If I look, when I look at her, I'm like, wow, I did something, right?
Like this girl has so much love to give to the world. Like she hugs like other kids, like at the park, like random strangers, she'll like run and give them hugs and all of that, it's like, and that's from us. Right. Like her, and, you know, from me and her father, like giving her this unconditional love.
And I think from there, I want her to know she can come to me for anything. Like if someone at school did this to her, if a family member did this to her, that we would have that relationship that she wouldn't be afraid of me. Like I was afraid of my mom. And I know a lot of old school parents are like, I don't want to be my kid's friend, you know, and all of that, okay, all right, calm down for a minute.
And I think that's kind of like how my mom was, but because of that, I went through sexual trauma for 25 years by myself because, she didn't want to be my friend and I'm not saying have your kids run over you or anything like that, but there's definitely, I think a lot of love is missing in our families.
I work on the South side of Chicago, so I think I can speak professionally and personally from my experience, there's just a lot of love that's missing. And I think that if we could love our children, if we can love our kids, our students, if we can love them and let them feel our love healthy love, like we wouldn't be at the state that we're at right now.
If there were little Edens, my daughter running around everywhere, like sh woo, Oh my gosh. We would be like an outer space right now doing something amazing. Right? It's that love and confidence that we. Give our kids. And , I didn't even have that like, love confidence in a way that had me feel comfortable talking.
I mean, now as an adult and for maybe the past 10 years my mom and I have a much better relationship now, but she had her own mental health issues going on. Like she she was suffered from depression and you know, all of the undiagnosed depression, but me as a therapist, I know like she had suicidal ideations and all these different things.
And so she, I think knowingly or unknowingly took a lot of that out on me. Like saying things like if I had another child, like you, I would kill myself. Like my God, like, you know, I'm not getting love at home. This terrible thing happens to me. Like, I'm, a terrible unwanted person, you know, like I'm useless out here kind of thing.
So, yeah, that was a long, long story. I'm not even sure if I answered your question or yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:21] I think you did, because it was about what, talking about it in school and the long answer basically was how do we bring it home? How do we have love in the homes and how do we have those conversations in the home? And. I think it's, it is uncomfortable for parents because it's just not talked about, like, I think it's important to talk about what appropriate touchy it is.
I think it's appropriate. I mean, I started when mine were two having those conversations of what part of their body is for them. And so that they could totally be aware of what was appropriate and what was not appropriate. So I think that that is a goal. And again, appreciating the struggles and knowing that, Hey, Maybe you don't know this and maybe by reading May's book Was I Assaulted?
Someone will have an epiphany and say, Oh my gosh, I was assaulted. I didn't realize it. And how can I heal from this now? I think that's important. So three things that you want listeners to walk away from this episode, I'm betting. Number one is get your book before it's not free anymore.
May Alirad: [00:44:33] Well, that was number three for my one and
two, I guess.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:37] you say that your way.
May Alirad: [00:44:39] Yes, that should be number one. Download my book right now. It's on Amazon for free ebook. Yeah, so I would say number one is that you're not alone. I think oftentimes like as a survivor myself, like I was so alone, like, I'm like, Oh my God, no one else is going through this. Like it's only me. It was such a lonely trip by myself, such a lonely road.
And I think number one is like you, you're not alone. Number two is talk to someone, get some support, whether it is a trusted friend, whether it's a family member, whether it's counseling. I mean, there's different hotlines out there. Please talk to someone about it, therapist, whatever. And the third is definitely please get my book.
On Amazon, the ebook is free. So please download it today. And it's a collection of my stories and a reflection. So there's reflections in every chapter. So one of the purposes of the book is to actually use it in therapy, or even by yourself, like it could be pre during, or post therapy.
Um, For group therapy like clinicians therapists can use it in their group. Right. So I really want it to be free for all, for everyone to have a copy of the ebook, please go download it. I, I literally Angela like poured my heart and soul into it. There were things like, I didn't want to tell myself.
That happens that I wrote in the book, like when I was writing, I was cringing like, Oh, this is making me uncomfortable. Like I was getting tensed up because of the, of what was in there, the material. But it's so raw. I would say another three words, not the thing you were saying, you as Angela, but it's so raw, real and transparent.
And I feel like it's so powerful. And I think not only because, I wrote the book, but because it's helping me, I'm reading it, I'm writing it. And it's helping me further my healing, myself, actualization healing. So please download the book today. You won't regret it.
So this is a excerpt from my book. So this is the ending and this is the epilogue. So remember, please read the prologue and the epilogue, because it gives detail and very descriptive information. So the epilogue, I am so elated that this book found its way in your hands. It was written for you to read at this very moment in your life.
It came to you when you are ready to receive the content inside. I hope this book has provided you with the skills you needed to be a better parent partner, sibling, child, or person. I hope it has given you a sense of connectiveness. That you are not the only one who has gone through what you have and you are not alone.
Therefore, if you haven't already done. So give yourself permission to start talking about it to someone. It could be a therapist, family member, or close friend. I hope this book has empowered you to find the voice that was taken from you and begin to take control of your life. I saw it written that God can turn your ashes into beauty.
This is so powerful and my healing journey in two ways. First, I realized that all the ugly things in my life that I had been trying to hide or pretend weren't there. God could turn it into something beautiful for me, this book and my business are the beautiful things that God created from all the ugly associated with being assaulted.
Then my mentor, after reviewing the book said, it's like the Phoenix rising from the ashes. I didn't know what that meant until I looked it up. The Phoenix is a mythical bird that at the end of its life goes back to its nest to die being consumed by fire. But then a new Phoenix is born from the ashes of the old one and like the bird you have to die to rise from your old ways and how you used to do things, essentially dying to burn your connections to the past. But from those ashes, you could rise up again into a new, more powerful being. That is what you are doing. You are confronting your past, burning it, not letting it control you anymore and rising again, to be a new and better.
You, you are a Phoenix soaring above your ashes and who you used to be. You are stronger, braver and wiser than you were. So fly high in your new found strength, courage, and wisdom today.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:52] Thank you so much. May Alirad read and remember to get your book, your free ebook on Amazon, April 27th, 28th and 29th.
May Alirad: [00:50:02] Yes, download it today.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:05] After further reflection on this podcast it was brought to my attention that I may have had an implicit bias, which is a bias I am not aware of. In that I had in my own way, questioned how it could be possible that May could have found herself in so many different, negative or unhealthy situations.
And I really started thinking about that in that. You know, have you ever had that time in your life when things just seem like they're coming at you and you are not looking for them? If anything, I think a lot of times we want to avoid pain at all costs. And I'm not certain that any of us have control over when bad things happen to us. And I wanted to point that out because I think with the narrative that is happening in society right now, or continuing, I should say that it is possible. And it does happen where people don't ask for the trouble that they find themselves in many times. And yet we still, for some reason, and I don't totally get it, but we still hold them responsible. And I think that's really interesting and definitely worth further thought.
And I just wanted to investigate that with you guys as listeners. Thank you again for listening. Please, definitely download May's book today from Amazon and we'll see you next time.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoy talking to May about how she learned to own and heal from her past. We especially liked that she wrote a book from the perspective of a therapist in a way to help others heal from their own trauma to unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.
