Episode 25 : Awkward is the New Brave
Belle Lockerby
Transformation Coach & Bestselling author of “Awkward is the New Brave”, Belle Lockerby becomes our bravery bestie through sharing her personal story of overcoming an arsenal of life’s “adversity wedgies”.
Belle encourages everyone to be brave enough to be themselves, awkward enough to try the uncomfortable things, and kind enough to become the safe space for others doing the same.
Having coached over 1000 humans from all walks of life, Belle lives and breathes change. She knows we can repurpose our pasts using a shield of humour and a sword of honesty to become lovers of AND fighters for our own lives.
Social media and contact information:
www.facebook.com/heytherebelle
www.instagram.com/bellelockerby
www.bellelockerby.com
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where alone, wrong, defiled people come to learn maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damage itself. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There's a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?
My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me, not in spite of my trials. But because of them, let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Belle Lockerbie. She has many roles in her life. Mother sister step parent or a bonus parent, co-parent cousin, aunt, author of Awkward is the New Brave and more. We'll talk about her year of bravery. Let's talk
Welcome Belle to Relatively Damage. We're so glad you're here today.
Belle Lockerby: [00:02:02] thank you. I'm really honored to be here. Really excited to be on the show with you. Thanks Angela.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:09] Oh, no problem. I'm so glad that you wanted to come on the show and talk about a struggle because I know it's hard and I know struggles, aren't fun. And I think you have a desire to give hope.
Belle Lockerby: [00:02:22] Yes, absolutely.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:24] awesome. Okay. Well, why don't we go ahead and start wherever that journey started for you. And we'll just go through it and we'll talk about the emotions behind it and how you were able to maintain hope and have courage and be brave during those times.
Belle Lockerby: [00:02:40] Yeah, sure. Awesome. I, so I think th that word brave is probably where I can start to share my story. So when I was very little, like a roundabout five years old, my definition of brave then was superheroes, which, you know, a lot of us can relate to. And I was a massive fan of wonder woman. And like, for me, that was the definition of bravery at that point in time.
Now my youngest sister and I had been standing. At, my father's swimming pool and she believed that she could swim without any floating devices and jumped into the pool and sunk to the bottom in front of my eyes. So I lied down and reached her up and yelled for our mother who was standing in the kitchen window.
And eventually someone came and helped finish the rescue that I was involved in. And I thought in that moment that I was going to be famous, that I was going to be a hero. Someone was going to come and give me a medal. And I told everybody, and then my mother not knowing the impact of her words came along and said, No one likes a bragger.
You need to stop telling people what you've done.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:57] What was the feeling inside when she said that? Did you just deflate or what.
Belle Lockerby: [00:04:03] yeah, I was, I, think like if I really close my eyes and I know this is podcast, can't be doing that. I can't see me doing that, but I think that I just completely deflated and kind of went, ah, like. I thought I'd done something good. And now I'm being told not to talk about it. So really lucky, unknowingly, it silenced me for a long time.
So in that moment, my definition of being brave or how to be brave became do good things and don't talk about them. So over time, Like from five my mother and father divorced, their relationship was not healthy and their co-parenting relationship was not healthy either. So they both had challenges. My dad, and both my parents are deceased as well, but my dad was a functional alcoholic and my mum suffered from really big bouts of depression at certain points in time.
So when I was around about six and a half abuse from a different family member kicked in, and I never
Damaged Parents: [00:05:06] six and a half.
Belle Lockerby: [00:05:07] six and a half. I never said anything to anyone about it for a really long time, because I thought six and I was protecting. Someone else and just didn't raise it. I was quest and I have to say I was questioned about it, but I was too scared to say anything for the impact of what would happen.
So I kept quiet on that for a really, really long time.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:30] can I ask, did you. Where did you also see that as being a hero in some ways to be quiet about it?
Belle Lockerby: [00:05:37] Yes, I did. There was one instance where I basically, my, my youngest sister who I adore, the deal from the older person was that if I said anything that would hurt her. So I thought that I was protecting her again. And so I chose, I chose, I didn't realize, but I chose to be quiet about that. And she had even tried to encourage me to say something, but I was just resolute that I wouldn't speak up about it.
So that kind of passion of staying quiet, continued. In good experiences and in not so great ones as well. So it's like I won't celebrate my success, but I'll still try and be heroic and protect people in my family and put on this. Happy front. So another kind of turning point came when I was about 11 turning 12.
My mother had a really big bout of depression. She couldn't get out of beds to cook dinner for my sister and I the room was completely dark and you'd walk in there and it was almost like I describe it as like, it felt like sadness was just hanging. In the room and I would try and you try your hardest to cheer someone up because you want them to get up and, and be functional.
And that just, it just would not happen. So those moments really sit with me around, you know, what sadness can do. So I'd kind of been quite resolute in my teenage years that. Despite any of these events, I didn't want to turn out like my mum and I didn't want it to turn out like my father. So I started to really think about.
How I was at, I was focused so much on avoiding a lot of sad things in my life that I didn't realize that I was acquiring another problem as time went on. So I just kept putting on this site of brave jacket or my definition of bravery still was tied to you. Just keep putting on this smiley face and pretending that everything's okay.
And like, you've you fight your battles and you don't say anything about it to anybody. And that started to change. Probably not for like, I would say not until in my thirties. So by the time I turned 34, my mother had taken her life with depression. My father had died from cancer and I had my first baby, so she was five months old.
And while I was. Pregnant with her. I was trying to be very organized and I had sent my older sister Juanita, a text message to say, I basically was trying to plan out my. There's baby evidence, he kind of thing. And I accidentally sent a message to my entire address book, announcing the arrival of my daughter, who I was still pregnant with.
So my oldest sister to ring me and say, What do you mean? She goes, I didn't think that, like I thought you had a few more days to go and I said, yeah, it was an accident. I'm still pregnant. I'm sorry. And then in that moment, she goes, well, I have to tell you some news. And I was trying to wait until after you'd had the baby.
And that's when she told me that she had cancer and she. Didn't last, very long. She had metastatic melanoma, which is basically where skin cancer to travel through your bloodstream. And it, for her ended up attaching itself to major organs. So she, died when my daughter was five months old and that was really, really challenging.
And.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:06] I just want to understand real quick when you're pregnant, when mom and dad die or they died prior to,
Belle Lockerby: [00:09:13] They died. Yeah. They died prior to, so my mum when I was 19 and that's how the relationship with my oldest sister restarted because I didn't grow up living with her. So family, family dysfunction is , kind of something that I'm more familiar with than family function that in itself, I think can create some challenges because you start to, well, I certainly did cultivated what a successful family looked like.
Even though I really had no blueprint for one, I'd take snippets from friends and stuff. So my mum died when I was 19. My father. So they were not together. My father died when I was 29 and then five years down the track, my older, I lost my oldest sister, which was really hard.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:58] after the baby.
Belle Lockerby: [00:10:02] Yeah after the baby. She got to see her when she was around about three months old. Like my sister was too unwell to travel. So we went to see her. So she got to meet her, which was really nice. And then like the time just went really quickly. And before I know it, she was gone. So with that amount of loss, I have this huge appreciation of life.
And I have this huge desire to not have the same endings, which is great in some ways, but also creates this other problem for me. And I just didn't really recognize it for awhile. So in my, quest to be strong and brave, I didn't realize that I was missing out on how to be vulnerable. And I didn't make that realization until I ran a workshop for women.
A few years later, and it was more around like mothers who were wanting to be entrepreneurial and find a way that they could make a living and not have to do the nine to five, because it's really hard to be a parent and feeding with like that, that kind of corporate standard. Right. And I like, I couldn't do it.
So I'm standing in this room. And there is this amazing photographer in there. And she says to me how am I supposed to be me? When I'm so used to living in that corporate space, like, how am I supposed to show who I really am? So she had worked previously as a geophysicist and with the birth of her daughter and, her daughter's requirement's, she could no longer do that career anymore.
It just wasn't going to work. So I. I had said to her, like I completely, Brene Brown cheer. I'd said there is great strength in choosing vulnerability. And in that moment I went internally. You are full of it. You are not being real yourself. You are being brave in the business sense, but what happened to being vulnerable out in the real world where.
Emotions live. And we're like, we're experiencing life lives because I became all about work and all about my children or like all about my business and all about my children. And I was a single mum at this stage as well. So it really convicted me in it. I wrestled with it for a while until in January, 2018.
So the photo that I have shared a photo with you, that's taken a little bit before then I woke up. Crying because I did, I was worried for my own humanity that I did not know how to feel sad or how to be okay with sadness and how to be vulnerable. And it really concerned me that I had gone through all of these struggles only to wake up and realize that maybe I didn't really know how to deal with this, the softer side of life.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:51] Yeah, that would be really awkward, I would think because you're well, first of all, you are telling someone when you realize that you've been unwilling to do it yourself in any way that being vulnerable was I'm going to say the word terrifying. I don't know if that's the right word for you.
Belle Lockerby: [00:13:09] I would say terrifying.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:11] Okay. Okay.
And How do you shift? So when you're terrified, so it took, you said it took you time to process all of this. What was going on? How did you do that? Was it mostly thinking, was it pondering? Was it, did it take weeks or months or, what's happening in that process?
Belle Lockerby: [00:13:31] So did, depending on what I was working on, took me some time. So if I wind back a little bit, I had not wanted their relationship with the father of my children to collapse. So I had this definition that a successful family meant longevity, and it did not mean happiness because for me it was about the structure and making sure that they had stability that I did not have growing up.
And then when that didn't work out and I found myself as a single mother, I remember catching my reflection and looking and going, where on earth did you go? So that was probably like phase one or realizing that I really had to do something. So from that point, it probably took me around about five months of consistently getting up and looking in the mirror and saying just one kind thing.
And it wasn't any. Sparkly unicorn and rainbow stuff that you see with all the self care and self love that tends to be out there. Oh, you know, I'm going to get a Medicare and it's self-love or whatever. Mine was really basic. It was, I have hair and then it was, I have skin. I have I have arms, I have legs and I was just focused on whatever I could see in myself just to be grateful or I have teeth.
And then I might start weaving in. I have really nice teeth. And starting to, really appreciate what I had as opposed to what I did not have.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:53] so you had to go to the very, very. Basic. I have eyes to see,
Belle Lockerby: [00:15:01] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:02] I have teeth to eat with, or to, I don't know. I'm just thinking. And then you were able to go to the next step
Belle Lockerby: [00:15:09] Yeah. And it's yeah, I did. So I struggled like I had, my babies were really big. So I have quite significant scarring and it took me a long time to be okay with that part of my body, but I would work, work through just these basic things and I've worked on being okay with me first. Then when I had the realization that it's like, Oh, like, if you're actually going to be fully vulnerable, you need to be vulnerable with other people.
That was, that became my next, that became my next level. So when I woke up in tears I reached out to a friend of mine who is very open and upfront, or she, was public at that time. She's taken her blog down now. She was very open up front in terms of how she would talk about dealing with mental health challenges.
And I really admired her and respected her for that because my own history. So I reached out to her and said, I need help being vulnerable. Can you help me and kind of shocked a few people because they were used to seeing me as this confident person, who's got it all together and encouraged everyone. So then when all of a sudden this person is saying, you know what, I need you guys to invite me out to do stuff, because as much as I'm so busy, I need to have a life.
And like, I'm scared that I'm not going to have one. If I keep this pattern up, I need to go and experience things. So she was very gracious in agreeing to do that. And then I started to map out basically what became a year of being brave and it included things like learning how to surf after 40. Eventually having hard conversations around the abuse that happened just so I could put that to rest was a really big one, putting myself back out in date land, which has completely awkward and scary because the last time I had even ventured into that space, there was no Facebook. And there was, I think Google was very, very new.
So had been a long time.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:09] I want to hear some stories about that.
Belle Lockerby: [00:17:11] my gosh. Oh my gosh. So that took a lot of courage to do that and it would, and then I would start to, you know, really be brave about trying new things and being brave in different areas to the one that I was familiar with. So for me, business bravery was okay.
Like I was okay with taking calculated financial risks. I was okay with launching ideas and seeing if they worked or they didn't work. But the heart stuff that was re that really challenged me. And then you start to discover these internal stories that are going on and that you can be your own struggle if you allow yourself.
So it was this constant kind of it's okay. If you go and learn how to surf on your giant. Yellow board with all of the I wouldn't say they're not like experienced, it's not like massive waves, but then way more experienced than me. So it's, it's okay to be out there. Don't like, you need to stop thinking that they're looking at this mum going, what is she doing out in the ocean?
So you start identifying your chit-chat and how you're going to address it and look to overcome it.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:16] Okay, so let it, I just want to really understand this you're even in the ocean, on your surfboard or on a date, or, and you're recognizing that. Your internal conversation is telling you or screaming, maybe screaming at you. I don't know. No, no, no. Don't do this. It's it's too scary.
Belle Lockerby: [00:18:38] Yeah. It's like, what are you doing? You are it's. So my internal conversation would go, what are you doing? You're too old to do this, or you're too overweight to do this. Or like, what are people even going to think of you? Why are you even out here? Like you shouldn't be out. He used to be back there. So that challenge in terms of.
What I should and should not be, was like really loud and just being brave and going, you know what, I'm going forward. Anyway, I'm going to do this anyway. And I'm going to get back up anyway. Kind of became my motto and being okay with learning and failing and succeeding because they kind of come as a threesome really.
No matter what? So it was like, well, if you want to be successful at something, you could fail at it as well. And I had to be okay with different areas and start having, you know, really open conversations saying, This is new for me. Can you be my safe space? I'm trying this out, this isn't like, and if it was an awkward conversation, this conversation is going to be really hard for me to have, and it might be really hard for you to hear.
And that was a complete game changer for things. So eventually I did talk about the abuse with my surviving parental figure. Named Haymitch. And he, I had to reconcile with that outcome that he may say no, like he has a completely new life now. So I had to let go of the outcome a little bit as well and kind of go, what will I still be okay with the answers.
If he's doesn't even want to entertain a conversation.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:12] so you're going back all the way to the abuse. And it sounds like because you. I heard a couple of things. So the stories you tell yourself, and then now you're addressing conflict and you're having, or having to have these really difficult conversations. And it kind of sounds like to me, part of what you're doing, you were doing at least before.
And it sounds like you're trying to break out of it is you were deciding what other people were thinking before you even had the conversation.
Belle Lockerby: [00:20:42] Absolutely. Absolutely. And I think we can unintentionally make assumptions about ourselves or about others without knowing a full story.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:51] and yeah. So how did you, what did you do or how did you catch yourself in those moments? Like. It sounds like when you went surfing, it was, well, I'm just not going to worry about them, but in my mind, what I'm thinking is that at first you were probably deciding that's what they were thinking, even though you didn't know what they were thinking, but that's what they were thinking about.
You.
Belle Lockerby: [00:21:14] Yeah, absolutely. I would, I would think cause my, my surfboard is big and yellow. It stands out right. It doesn't kind of like blend in with the ocean or anything. So it would, it like I was terrified walking down the beach with my giant yellow board, knowing that my chances of catching away when I was first learning.
We're fairly small. But the good thing was, is my friend came with me. So I think sometimes when we want to be brave that like community and having someone alongside you is incredibly powerful for those conversations that turned out that she's, she actually gets claustrophobic with wetsuits. So that was a thing for her to come and do.
But I had to reciprocate and then be brave for her in something that she wanted to do. So that was a massive help. And then after she said, you know what, I really don't want to surf. I had to continue that bravery journey myself and go, I'm still going to go and get back out there. I'm going to fight or wrestle this little internal chit-chat until it quietens down.
And it took me probably, I would say. Maybe five months of continually going. And then you start to get to this space of joy where you're not worried about what everyone else is thinking anymore. And you're just out in the ocean and you're having a great time. And then you start to get to the Ooh, who like, who cares.
They like, they've got other things going on in their life. You start to get over yourself a little bit and realize that everyone's got their own stuff and. They don't care. Really. And that, that is quite freeing. when you realize that, that you care more than I do
Damaged Parents: [00:22:51] So. Belle, I have to know. Did that also transition into the dating world?
Belle Lockerby: [00:22:56] Oh my gosh. Yes, it did. So for me, the way I kind of stacked my year of bravery is I looked at all of the things that I wanted to achieve, whether it was like bucket list type stuff, or learning a new skill or, exploring a new relationship, whether it's friendship or, you know, romantic and otherwise, or having those hard conversations.
So I mapped out everything I wanted to do, and I would always do my easiest thing first. I never went straight to the hard thing. Right? Yeah. So it's an easy thing. So dating came way down. And part of that was there is a character in my book. He is a real life person named Baker, who is a physio therapist.
And he looks like the love child of Bradley Cooper and Chris Hemsworth. And that's the truth.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:43] Ooh, so he's beautiful.
Belle Lockerby: [00:23:45] Yes, very much so, but I, I would have like dodgy back issues or something from surfing and. Went to see him to get some assistance. So my another friend of mine had recommended him and I completely had a, like a freak out because all of a sudden you're in there in like you, your mum undies with this very like attractive person go in.
I can't like, I can't talk. I'm just going to keep my head face down in like this dumb, like massage bed, hole thing, and not say anything. And some of the questions he would ask me, I was kind of like, are you like, okay, do you like, think I'm interesting or something because I couldn't tell.
And eventually I had to get the courage up to ask. Him what he thought of me. And that was so, so nerve wracking, but he was really gracious in that conversation. And I had said to him that I found him quite intimidating because basically he looks like a rock god. And he'd said, hang on a second. You think I'm intimidating?
Like, have you not looked at all of your accomplishments and stuff? Like, I find it hard. Talking to you, like you've got it together and blah, blah, blah. And it was big realization to kind of go, Oh wow. Like , we all have these things in common where we compare on some kind of front, like we're all doing it.
We're not alone in our comparison traps. So that was a really big lesson for me to remember that everyone has stuff going on, even, even if. I think that they are on a pedestal or, or not where we are all on the same level. If we look for that commonality of things that we're struggling with. So that was that was a really good conversation to have. And probably one of my most awkward, one of my most awkward ones.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:28] so you were attracted to this man. You're wondering if you, because of the questions he's asking, you're wondering if you said attracted to you. So you've like, you're like if I don't address this, I'm just always going to wonder, is that what was
Belle Lockerby: [00:25:41] Yeah. Yeah. I'll like, I will, I will never know. And I can just like, not say anything, but like, it just, I kind of went well, are you being brave or not? And my friends would hold me to account because like I had told them, I was committing to this year of bravery and they're like, you're not being brave.
You're being a big chicken. If you don't say anything. And I'm like, Oh, I, you know, find out or not find out. So like eventually I did. I won't like, I won't tell you what happens in the end of the book, but eventually I, I did find out the answer to that question and had some brief moments, which is probably the best way I can put it.
But it's like, it's daunting. It really is like, You know, starting whether it's starting up a new friendship or finding out answers to any of those tough questions that we have around our capabilities are like, really, they're really scary. So it's really scary on all fronts and it is really important to be brave in the way that we need to be brave.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:41] so what's another example of a type of, you know, a more specific example of that bravery in your life.
Belle Lockerby: [00:26:50] Well, I think the conversation that I had with Hamish about the abuse was a really big one because he had to come to the table. With me. And so just to clarify, he was not the abuser, but I wanted to know if he was aware of anything that was happening because it had bugged me. So through, through my childhood, we had like my mother and father hated each other in a really, really big way.
Like was not good at all. And It had resulted in at one stage we moved into state. My surname was changed and I always had this kind of question. So it probably comes down to unanswered questions really on what do you want to be brave with finding out your own story? I guess? So I'd always wondered if maybe there was this misconception that it was my dad and that was why the move happened.
So I was like, I was never a hundred percent sure. And I wondered if that had any impact on my, mom's mental health, because maybe she had made assumptions. So I reached out to Hamish and said to him, I have a, I want to talk to about. My mother, it's not going to be an easy conversation and I don't know if you will really like the questions, but I want you to know that it's, I at least want to know if you're up for having a conversation about her.
And this is like 25 years after she's died. So it's a decent amount of time. And he says, yes, but you need to be prepared that you may not like the answers that I give you. And it was like, well, okay. So, I had prepared for this. I had really thought about the questions and I would encourage anyone who's considering having those hard conversations to really make sure that your emotions are in check and that you can.
Lead from a safe space. So safe environments, safe space, really take time. It wasn't something that I jumped into lightly, if that, if that resonates for anybody, because I didn't want it to be emotionally charged. I had made my peace with it was more of a fact finding mission around. Did you know anything or did you not?
So that conversation is we'll probably. So that's one of my standout ones in my life, because he was courageous enough to sit down with me and hear a question. And it wasn't the question that he was expecting to kind of say, did you, did you have, any inkling or idea of what was going on and for him to say yes, and we tried and we questioned you and you said, no.
So we let it go. That was. That was tricky. And then to talk about some of the other things that had popped up with my mum in particular and her mental health struggles it was a really big shift in terms of going well, I can't change the past and I won't can change the past, but at least I was brave enough to ask that question and.
And kind of whether he had agreed to the conversation or not. That was the bravery for me, is to say, are you up for this question? Because I really had to make peace with a yes or a no before the conversation even happened.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:52] so you're coming to him with the questions about abuse and he realized that beforehand or,
Belle Lockerby: [00:29:59] No, no. I think he was expecting it to be more about my mum or his relationship with my mom and how he had impacted my mom's marriage with my dad. Cause like, and that's what I mean, like when it was, when I say a little bit of family dysfunction, it was pretty, pretty messy. So. When I approached that topic, but he was incredibly gracious.
Like he teared up when I asked him and. You know, and I said to him, this is not a witch hunt. I'm not looking to accuse anyone. I just, I don't want to have the last parental figure in my life, pass away. And me have unanswered questions. Not that he was like, he wasn't on his death bed or anything, but I just didn't want to have that happen because my mother, I'd never had a conversation with her about it.
My father never knew, and I'd never raised it with them because of like, I was scared of like their repercussions or what would happen. So I just kept it silent for a long time and I didn't want to, I didn't want that topic to be silent forever,
Damaged Parents: [00:30:59] like you needed the answers
Belle Lockerby: [00:31:01] right. I at least needed to know that I had tried to find the answer.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:05] Okay.
Belle Lockerby: [00:31:06] So if they'd said no, then that would be fine or we'd leave or leave it at that.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:11] And you said he teared up. so they had come to you years and years ago. You thought you were being a hero not talk about it. And now so many years later, you're saying, you're thinking I need to make sure I address this.
Belle Lockerby: [00:31:27] Yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:31:28] Even if it's painful,
Belle Lockerby: [00:31:29] yeah, absolutely. And really think about how I was going to keep, emotions in check. So I'm sure for for his experience, because he teared up and I didn't and I reached out and I said to him, like it, like it's okay. Not condoning anything that happens, but He's like his emotions are okay, but I probably came across as a little bit numb to it because that was the way that I had to prepare to make sure that I could handle that conversation.
Cause I didn't want to, we have you want to have anger or hurt or anything things spill over and, take control, I guess, of the conversation that needed to be had. And so it was really important for me just to maintain. My composure and know that I have healed from all of those things.
So it was really powerful.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:18] what'd you say in some ways healed before the conversation you just needed to have it to clarify things or, or was there also some healing that happened after or both?
Belle Lockerby: [00:32:27] Yeah. I would say both I needed to make peace with it myself because as I'd shared, I'd worked so hard to avoid certain outcomes. And like when a trauma or a trial would come up or it almost have this resolute. I'm thinking that's not going to, like, that's not going to take me down.
I'm not going to let that stop me living life or anything. So, because for me, it was around giving more control and more power to a situation than was necessary. I just didn't realize that it still influence things anyway.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:58] So it was still influencing your choices. Is that what you were trying to say?
Belle Lockerby: [00:33:01] yeah, yeah. It's silly.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:03] because you hadn't dealt with it, it was still impacting you.
Belle Lockerby: [00:33:07] Yeah, absolutely. It was still impacting me. So, I think it was more my position that I wanted to be. So in control of my life, that I didn't really understand. I didn't know how to be vulnerable and ask for help. I just was like, I will be the person who helps everybody, but when it comes to me asking for help, I decided no, I'm like, Oh, just I'll just avoid that.
I would just sit that over in the corner and leave it there. So it wasn't until I started to realize those things that I went, Oh, wow. Like you can avoid things as much as you want, but it's going to acquire something else in that process anyway. And to really start to look at I don't know that balances the right word, but just more look at the awareness of things to go well, who, like, who are you now?
And what are your values and how do you adjust them as life changes in terms of like, you still hold them true, but it might be just little tweaks in terms of how you respond to things and how you have these big conversations and even watching as a parent on, how. You know how really encourage my children to speak up.
So sometimes they might come across as they're quite forward, but it's like, I always want you guys to have a voice, even if you don't agree with what mum's saying, I want you to speak.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:19] Yeah, that's hard to teach children. May I ask how old they are?
Belle Lockerby: [00:34:24] They are now 12 and nine. And I do have two, two bonus children as well, who are eight and five. So, yeah, but it is funny because then you start to hear your parenting reflected back to you. Sometimes when sibling conflict breaks out and someone's not taking ownership of someone and you hear them say, can you just take ownership of your actions because you're deflecting right now.
And I'm thinking, Oh, just.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:48] Your kids are saying this to you.
Belle Lockerby: [00:34:51] Are they, are they saying it? They're saying it to each other. They're saying it to each other and I'll just hear them go. Their favorite is you're deflecting. You're not taking, you're not sticking to the issue because it will be like, as soon as they've done something wrong, it's like, well, you did blah, blah, blah.
And it's like stop deflecting. And I just go, Oh my goodness. Like
Damaged Parents: [00:35:10] That's awesome.
Belle Lockerby: [00:35:12] the mother too many times.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:14] Well, but what great communication that you know, it's like, wait, hold on. No, this is the issue at hand. This is what we're talking about. We're not talking about that right now.
Belle Lockerby: [00:35:24] yeah,
yeah. There's no kind of like, Oh, look squirrel happening in the house. It's like you stay on topic.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:31] Oh, and they're, they're young between five and 12 was the oldest, right? Yeah. That's young. Yeah. I know one of my daughters I showed, it's the one by, I think it's called experimenter. Uh, the Stanley Milgrim. Where experiment, where they shock, just for the simple reason that there's someone standing, you know, sitting in the back of the room in a white coat, people kept going on with shocking, instead of saying, no, it's not.
Okay. And I'll tell you, I mean, I did it because I also wanted her to have she's my youngest and I wanted her to have a voice and. And I'll tell you, it's opened up a can of worms. I'm so glad that it's opened the can of worms. And I'm so sad at the same time like you, because she will call me out, you know?
And so in that way, I'm glad. And I think for me, I'm realizing is I'd rather have her call me out then than not.
So I'm not sure if you feel the same way with yours.
Belle Lockerby: [00:36:31] Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's one of the things where you start to recognize That our children are going to assume, like they're going to pick out things that they like about our parenting, that they don't like about our parenting, no matter how aware we may be and how much we try, they will still have those moments.
And I've seen my daughter have this moment too, in the car where she's just given me that look of when I grow up and become a mum, I'm not going to do that. And. I caught it and I had a conversation with her about it. I said, you know, Abby, I said, did you just think this? And I gave her the phrase and she's like, how did you know?
And I said, because I did it too. And it's okay that you're doing that. It's just be conscious of how far you push it from one side to the other. As you make these decisions. I said, because that's what mum wasn't aware of. Like, I've worked really hard to avoid lots of things and I ended up with other things in the process.
So just, just keep that in mind when you, when you make your parenting decisions.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:33] so you get, right. So it sounds like what you were telling her is. Okay. By avoiding one thing, you may inevitably crash into something else
without realizing that that's where you're going. And so what was your crash? What did you crash into
Belle Lockerby: [00:37:50] Uh, well, I would say I crashed into vulnerability in a really big way.
Yeah.
That was my crash vulnerability and probably being okay with sadness was the big one that like that sad emotion, because for me, it's so attached to Like mental health and depression, and like the resources back then were completely different to the resources now.
So it's one, it's probably the first thing. Whenever I'm coaching people that I talk about, and I share my story on that is if you're concerned about your mental health, please go and get help with it. Because you know, sometimes when we talk about bravery, sometimes getting out of bed is brave. Enough, just like getting through a day as brave enough, you don't have to do anything else.
That's enough. And just know that you are needed here for a long time. And you will, you will get through whatever your storm is that you've crashed into. You will get through it. You just need to take that courage and just. Ask for help or make it out of bed or whatever it is and celebrate those little things.
And if it is similar to me, I have hair. I have teeth to eat with, start at the basic level.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:57] Yeah. And it sounds like that I, and I didn't put this together until just now, but mom had mom suffering from depression means that sadness would also not just be sad, but scary in some ways.
Belle Lockerby: [00:39:10] Yeah, very, very scary. So, to the point that I will choose happy because I'm like, you know, with those conscious and unconscious choices, I was like, well, I don't want, I don't want to have that faith. So I'm just going to choose happy. And that's where it becomes like this mask of, Oh geez. Belle's really like, she's really happy.
You never would have guessed any of this stuff in her life. And it's because I worked really hard to avoid sadness.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:34] So, how did you get comfortable with it then?
Belle Lockerby: [00:39:37] I think it's a process and it is being open and courageous and getting people to hold you to account and recognizing that slightly, some of my friendship circle didn't know how to.
Deal with that per that kind of shift in me on I need help being vulnerable. And some did. There were amazing. So you've got to work out who your safe spaces are, I think. And how you're that safe space for yourself at the same time? So, and start to make peace with it. So for me, it's that differentiation of going out like I'm feeling sad today versus, depression means consistent sadness and consistent change in thoughts where they're not healthy thoughts, and you need to go and reach out for help and have a conversation with some, with a professional preferably about it so that you can get help.
The same way. Like when I talk to groups, I would almost say if you break your arm, you go and see a doctor to have it reset. If you're experiencing a break in your thought processes, please go and speak to someone to help get them reset as well. So really, really important.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:40] Yeah. Yeah. And it didn't just happen overnight. Like you said, it took time of appreciating just those small things about you.
Belle Lockerby: [00:40:50] Yeah, yes, that's right. And I think so with change, sometimes we do. And I mean, we do live in a world of like, instant gratification where you can order something and it turns up at your doorstep, like same day. So. Those personal changes do take time. And if you feel like you're not making it on the very first day or the very first week or the very first month, that doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong.
It's just like, keep, just keep going and keep being kind to yourself in the right way. So have the kindness that's encouraging, not the kindness. That's complacent.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:24] Okay. Okay. So when you were in the midst of saying, I have nice teeth, I size those things. I'm thinking that wouldn't last all day and some of those negative thoughts would come into do your mind. So what did you do in those moments?
Belle Lockerby: [00:41:38] I would catch them. So I have this saying that I share with people around like catch that thought, challenge it and work out, whether it's being helpful or unhelpful, and then choose what to do with it. So do you want to choose a healthier one? So that takes time in terms of developing that awareness.
So I would catch myself and go, Oh, hang on. This isn't what your goal is at the moment. Your goal is to be kind to yourself and to get up and look in the mirror and. Remember who you are and why you're here because I did like it. I'm so grateful that I took that photo that day, because I wanted to remind myself of what my bottom looked like.
Really of what? That, geez, I have gone through so many fights and battles that I don't think I've got anything left. I wanted to remind myself that I could also be the value and not just the cost.
So.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:25] That's and that's hard to get to. I just have another thought came into my mind that sometimes when. With those negative thoughts, would you ever beat yourself up before you caught yourself or when you caught yourself, would you beat yourself up or would you, where you really good at that point about giving yourself a hug and being kind to yourself?
Do you see where the, what the question is?
Belle Lockerby: [00:42:48] Yeah, it looks, it takes time. I could still beat myself up and I mean, more recently I've had some health issues where My thyroid is not functioning as it's supposed to. So I could just eat a piece of lettuce all day long and I will still gain five pounds in a week kind of thing. So it can still crop up in different forms, but it's just to go, you know what?
I am worthy of being kind to myself, like I'm worthy of the same kindness that I extend to other people and it takes time. At certain points to reel those thoughts back in and go, you know what? It's okay. You'll figure it out. You've made it to here. So you just need to like, make it through today and reset and appreciate the good things in life.
I really do try and focus on. Waking up and just being grateful to be awake. And that's, for me, that's how I try and start my days. And of course, like I'm human. I don't get it right every day. I don't know anyone who does. But it's just to be kind through those moments, I think and say, it's, it's okay to have an off day today, but I'm not going to live there permanently.
I'm just gonna, I'm just going to visit my off day and then I'm gonna work to get back to my happy day.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:58] I like that idea of visiting the off day and being okay with it,
Belle Lockerby: [00:44:02] Yeah. Yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:44:04] I think in a way that's what you're saying is be okay. That it's just an off day
Belle Lockerby: [00:44:09] Very much so, because thinking that you can be , this is my personal thought, but thinking that you can be happy 24, seven, 365 days a year, I think there's an unrealistic expectation to put on ourselves. Humans have all kinds of emotions. We get happiness, sadness, joy. Anger frustration.
It's all on how we manage them and, and where we put them and how we put them on ourselves and put them on each other. That really makes a difference.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:38] Yeah, for sure. Okay. So three things you don't want the audience to walk away with you. I mean, we've gotten plenty of tidbits along the way, but three things that you want the audience to walk away with tools or tips
Belle Lockerby: [00:44:53] Okay. All right. So tips first, be kind with yourself, not be complacent, so still have courage to do that scary thing. That's probably like tip number one. Tool number two is around thought editing. So catching those thoughts, challenging them and work out whether they are helping you move towards your goal, or they're holding you back and then choosing a more healthy one.
And then the third one really is we are all brave in our own ways. So you can, and bravery does feel awkward. Light change feels awkward. So as you go through it, make sure that you are being like having your greatest adventure and being the safe space for others who are attempting to do the same
Damaged Parents: [00:45:36] that's awesome. I love that change can be awkward.
Belle Lockerby: [00:45:41] Very
Damaged Parents: [00:45:42] Thank you so much for coming on today, Belle I so appreciate it.
Belle Lockerby: [00:45:47] Thank you, Angela. It's been so lovely talking with you. I appreciate being a guest.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:52] No problem.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We've really enjoyed talking to bell about how she learned to be brave. We especially liked when she spoke about being brave, even when it was hard. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Tik TOK. Look for damaged parents.
We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
