Episode 24: Unlimited Gal
Valerie Friedlander
Valerie Friedlander is a multi-passionate woman, Life/Business Alignment Coach, and host of the podcast, Unlimited. At age 8 she was first introduced to personal development work thanks to family members working to recover from the family disease of alcoholism. This planted the seeds for her life-long passion for personal growth work and study around social/psychological human dynamics. Valerie now helps multi-passionate women to effectively and enjoyably achieve their personal and professional goals. When she’s not working with clients you’ll find her hanging with her husband and 2 sons, working on an art project, or nerding out with a sci-fi movie.
Social:
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Podcast transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were tarnished, wrecked, wrong people come to learn maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There's a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole.
Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Valerie Friedlander, she has many roles in her life daughter, wife, podcast host, life and business coach and more. We'll talk about how she grew up in an alcoholic home. And although being exposed to Alanon early on, still picked up co-dependent behaviors and would choose abusive relationships. We'll also talk about how she healed. Let's talk.
Welcome Valerie to Relatively Damaged. How are you today?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:02:10] I'm doing great. Thanks so much for having me.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:13] Yeah, I am so grateful that you came on to talk about a struggle. And what I understand is that there's some alcoholism in your family and I'm thinking that probably had a huge deal to do with your struggle. Can you tell us about that?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:02:30] Yeah, absolutely. I have permission from the alcoholic in my life to share because he believes that it, whatever his story can. Help is worth being available. So I want to, I want to say that first and foremost, because I really do believe in keeping other people's stories, theirs and holding anonymity.
But it's knowing that it's important to him that it be available. Then I share with that knowledge, my dad is an alcoholic and he. Entered recovery when I was eight. I didn't understand what that meant. He was mostly just absent. Like it wasn't a, I never felt unloved or that there was no. Obvious abusiveness or anything like that?
In my, my recollection as a child, it was just an absentness and it was kind of that way from my mother too, because she was going through her own stuff. She was dealing with her own impact from that relationship. And so it was more just this not there. And when they came and told me. All right, your dad is going to AA.
I'm going to Alanon you're going to go to allocate and remember, this is when I was eight, so it's not like, I mean, I was going, what,
Damaged Parents: [00:03:56] yeah, they
Valerie Friedlander: [00:03:57] what are we talking about here?
Damaged Parents: [00:03:59] For eight year olds, they have it. They have a 12 step program for eight year olds.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:04:03] Well, and at that time in that place, they did, I grew up in Nashville, Tennessee, and. So they, they had kind of a, a tie in to the Alanon program. So there were members who were working the out on program, which is for family and friends of alcoholics. There were people, adults who would facilitate a kid program.
And there were, there was a book too, and I went But I didn't get it. There were a lot of people there who were coming from abusive homes and I did not understand how I could relate, but the one thing that stood out to me rather dramatically, probably from someone who needed to be doing their own work.
But this, this woman wrote on the board, that one drink and you too could become an alcoholic.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:51] wait, so you're eight and you're in this room and this person writes this on there and you're seeing in additionally, all these other children have experienced significant trauma that you haven't experienced. So maybe a little bit of a black sheep feeling. Huh?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:05:07] Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean there, but it was more just like this fear that I, I. Got from that of this is clearly a bad thing. I don't know what it is and I don't really understand it, but clearly it is very bad. And I don't want to, I don't want that to happen now. I didn't turn this around into my dad is a bad person, right?
Like I didn't turn that into a judgment on him at all, but it was more just that this, this experience like that is dangerous. This is big red flags. This is danger. Because I'm predisposed to alcoholism and, you know, I had conversations with my mom where it was like, you have it, you will have a tendency to be codependent.
And so it's something to be aware of. I don't remember how old I was. I might've been a little bit older, but I do remember that conversation at some point. And I probably was a little bit later, but these ideas of these words. That had meaning, but I didn't really understand them. And then watching my parents do their own work, asking for help showing up and doing their work and being more present.
They did become more present. And so I felt the shift, but it wasn't really a clear, conscious thing for me. And at, at eight I'd already picked up on a lot of the patterns that were, I mean, my mom was right, like predisposed to being codependent and yes, I was.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:35] okay. So wait, so it ate when mom and dad started showing up more for you. I have to know. Were you angry or like how dare you or were you like grateful? What, were, what was going on for you? Or do you remember?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:06:50] I, think for me at that point I don't remember exactly what I was feeling. I think there was more confusion and initially. It was scarier, was like, it felt harder because my dad was learning to process emotions that he had been stifling for years, even before I was born. So he was learning emotions.
And I mean, even people who haven't been stuffing their emotions to that degree, struggle dealing with emotions. And so he was. He was like new at it. So there's a lot of explosiveness in my house. So it was actually a little scarier. And then he was also absent, more going to meetings. So I was presented it, I would say I, because before it was calmer and suddenly it was more intentional absence and explosiveness. So , while I knew it was supposed to be better, it definitely felt like it got worse. At first, at the same time I had entered a new school around, it was third grade and. I was getting picked on by the kids in the school because it was a small school and I was one of two new kids. And I was the only girly girl and heavier set than the other kids ever.
All the other girls were tomboys and skinny and they would pick on me and then they pretend to be my friends and then they turn around and use things against me. And so I became extremely obsessive compulsive.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:22] Okay. Tell us what that means to you.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:08:24] To me that meant I fixated on a understandable danger for me, it was the house burning down or somebody, or like a burglar entering.
And I created intricate rituals, increasingly intricate rituals to try and. Stop that from happening to try and control something that wasn't within my control, because I felt so much out of control. I mean, and I can process this now as an adult having done a lot of work. So at that time it felt necessary.
Otherwise we would all die in my mind.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:01] That's scary.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:09:02] I remember distinctly having a meltdown on the stairs to the basement where I, because I couldn't get the ritual right. Therefore, it meant that somebody was going to come in and, and we were all going to die. And it was after that meltdown that I knew that there was a problem here.
So I didn't realize there was a problem that I had a problem until that point. And it was like, I can't live like, like this. I was probably. I want to say maybe 10 or 12
Damaged Parents: [00:09:35] and not going to the Ala-kid anymore.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:09:37] no, I, my mom had found a different place to heal and do her own work. And so she asked me if I wanted to keep going. And I said, no, cause I didn't understand. Like, it didn't resonate with me what they were talking about there. I didn't get it. And I didn't connect with the other kids.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:53] So a couple of years later, you find yourself trying to control in any way you can for potential to protect yourself and your family from potential danger.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:10:03] yes. Yes. I had taken on the responsibility of protecting them and I also in looking at some of the dynamics had taken on the responsibility of keeping everybody happy, making everybody. Okay. One of the other thing I would, I would also shift my breathing. Like if I was looking at something that was, problematic to me in any way, like a dynamic, I would hold my breath because I didn't want to breathe it into my body. So like just, there were a lot of things that were trying to exert control over things that were not controllable
as a, as a young person.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:39] right. And it sounds almost like you were really coming from a place of fear, more than anything.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:10:46] Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I was very scared of the lack of control of, the, all the possibilities. And I, I remember my dad talking to me. It was at some point after the meltdown. And he said something about that. , I could live in the what ifs and they may never happen. And then I've spent all this time living in the, what ifs of bad things happening, or I could live.
And know, that I'll be able to deal with the things that do happen when they happen, instead of pouring energy into something that may never happen. And that stuck with me because of that projecting into the future then, and future fear. Now, did I change? Like it wasn't something that shifted things immediately or anything like that, but it was always these little nuggets that.
I've held on to that kind of built on each other. What I realized was watching them do work and kind of hearing things that, that they were learning and sharing in their own way with me that I was getting a toolbox. But you know, that that saying of, if you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. For me, it was, I had a tool box, but I only knew how to use a hammer. So I treated everything like a nail.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:15] uh, okay.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:12:16] So I might have a screwdriver, but I still used it like a hammer on the nail. So it was still this desire to be liked, especially because that was so unsafe for me in school with the kids being so mean. And. I wanted to fit in and I wanted to be accepted and I wanted to be seen. That was always another thing for me is I'm an Aries. And so I've always had, even if you look back at old videos with. The family videos and my dad would pull out a camera and be filming my sister, doing something I have, you you'll see me come into the shot and be like, Oh, hang on just one sec.
And I go and change into my favorite outfit and I come out and I'm like, watch me.
So I've always been very much like I want you to see me. So I learned how to be a chameleon and I learned how to fit in. But I never felt like I fit in. Like, it was never a, I felt like I had a good enough facade to be accepted.
It was just always trying, it was always trying to make other people okay. So that they would love me so that I felt okay. Because if you felt okay, then I could feel, okay,
Damaged Parents: [00:13:25] right.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:13:26] this is classic codependent. Right. I didn't know that. I just knew that it meant that I would feel okay if I could help you. And. Also being learning that I was very empathetic because I used to think it was a superpower that I could sit next to you and feel your feelings.
So if you were upset, I could sit there and feel it with you. And it is a super power, but it's also a kryptonite. It's also a way that it, I have learned one takes away from the other person's experience and makes it about me Too, it's it doesn't allow me to actually be of help or service to that person because I've made it about me because I've made them being okay about me.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:09] Ooh, that's that's deep.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:14:12] Yeah. So it was, I couldn't do the work that I do now, if I hadn't. Done the work on myself. First, I knew from a young age, it's like, I'm not going to be a therapist because that would be toxic for me. Cause I saw, as I went along that I would get sucked into a black hole. Like I was the person who would stay up all night on the phone with a friend who was talking about suicide. Who is a F or talking, you just self-harm and they would fall asleep and I'd be sitting there on the phone
Damaged Parents: [00:14:47] worried. Okay.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:14:49] my mom finally was, this is not healthy.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:51] And what age is this happening at?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:14:53] that was, that was probably in high school.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:56] Okay. So you're wanting to support your friends in high school and it's such a tumultuous time
Valerie Friedlander: [00:15:01] And I need to be needed. I needed to be needed because by helping you be okay, I could be okay.
Cause I didn't feel okay. So I had to find people who needed help being okay. So that I could be okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:13] right, right.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:15:14] you know, very problematic dynamic.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:17] so you were actually looking for people that were clearly in the midst of struggle, right? In that moment, because if they dated you and then, and you could help them, then you in fact were needed and then maybe your existence could be validated. I'm
not sure
Valerie Friedlander: [00:15:36] Then
I mattered. And I certainly didn't think of it that way. This is only realizing it after becoming essentially a student of my own patterns and going what, some things, something is going on here that I'm always attracting people into my life. If it happens once.
Okay. But if it's happening multiple times, there's a common denominator here. And that might just,
Damaged Parents: [00:16:01] Was that hard to come to that conclusion?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:16:04] uh, yeah. Yeah. I know it took a lot of really, really painful experiences with people to realize that. And it was only in college that, and I say only in college I've had plenty of people, comment of like, that's amazing that you came to these things in college, but I've essentially been learning these things my entire life piece by piece, like putting a puzzle together.
And I mean, I also, I jumped over with in junior high. I was sick all the time. I changed schools again, this is when I left and went to a new school. It was seventh grade. And. I was sick all the time and the doctor finally went, she's not actually sick. I think there might be something else going on. I think she might be depressed
Damaged Parents: [00:16:56] So it was showing up for you physically.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:16:59] Yeah. I felt ill all the time. And. They sent me to, she recommended a psychiatrist and I went to the psychiatrist, but I had this feeling that I wasn't really being heard. And I had this feeling that he was waiting for me to say something extreme enough to prescribe me medicine
Damaged Parents: [00:17:19] Oh, that would not be fun.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:17:21] No. And I was very clear that I didn't want that.
I was very clear that for me, That I mean, and partly, I would say partly hearkening back to that experience of one drink and you too could become an alcoholic. I was not taking anything that could be remotely addictive. And they were like, after a while said, okay. I think we're going to put her on Prozac.
And I was like, Nope. And they said, well, it's not addictive. I said, yeah, but it's going to keep me from feeling my emotions. And if I can't feel my emotions, how am I going to know what's going on?
Damaged Parents: [00:17:56] okay. You just reminded me of a movie called I am fish head, and it's literally about psychopaths. Uh, the corporate psychopaths specifically. And in that movie, one of the doctors is, is speaking to that point of, we take. These pills to not feel. And I think he was at a funeral or something and somebody wanted to give them a volume or a Xanax or something like that.
And he's like, no, that's why I'm here is to feel. So I think it's really interesting that you make that point.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:18:27] And I think in some ways that's thanks to my dad's journey. And watching him numb his feelings and then suddenly have to feel his feelings because what he had been doing in the numbing of them was not okay. And knowing that he had become a better person and a more present person, even going through the pain of going through those emotions.
And I guess I didn't really know. I honestly think at that time it was more fear-based decision-making than anything else, but it was, there was a, also an understanding that like, I need to feel these things and I need tools to work through them. I need a space to feel safe enough to work through them that I can deal with it and not to stuff it and make it go away.
And. Honestly, this is really one of the reasons why I get very opposed to the whole positivity think positive movement that becomes really toxic of no don't think negative thoughts. Don't be sad. Don't be angry. Be happy because that's how you attract happy things to you. And. I'm like, no, no. We need to feel the feelings.
We need to honor where they're coming from. We don't need to believe them and say that. Oh, because I feel this, that means that like, when we tell stories about our feelings, that's where we run into problems. It's when we look at our feelings and go, where's this coming from? What is this telling me? What do I need to do with this information?
That's where a lot of power lies. So that's essentially where it started for me was in seventh grade where that decision and not to say, and I do want to say it's, it's not to say that sometimes medicine is needed. I think it's really important to acknowledge that, that there are times where there are chemical dynamics that are happening in the brain where some sort of medication is really important and helpful to functioning.
Not that it's any kind of exact science, but I'm very aware of where we take certain concepts and twist them into these blanket statements that aren't applicable appropriate, like the way that they're applied. So, I did find a space in my religious community, within the youth group. And I was raised Quaker, which are the religious society of friends, which is very much about learning to listen to yourself and, and listen deeper and listen to others and hear, hear that of God and other people and within yourself, and be able to trust and find a truth that's greater than one person. And while we're all very teenagery at that time, I think that concept sat with me and helped me feel safe and able to explore some of the darker places that I had within myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:24] so safe enough to investigate what fear meant safe enough to investigate what, anger meant, maybe safe enough to investigate all of those. What I call unfun feelings.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:21:36] Fun.
Valuable, not fun.
Yeah. I,
like, I like to say personal, personal growth is uncomfortable and messy and anyone that says otherwise it's selling something.
Thank you, princess bride.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:48] yeah, most definitely. So you're in, what seventh grade
Valerie Friedlander: [00:21:52] Yeah, seventh into, into high school. I mean, and that was a journey, as I mentioned into relationships and learning, I mean, learning who I was learning about myself, but in a way where I was still very caught up in trying to please other people and trying to fit in. But also being myself, like there was a very interesting dynamic of a push pull.
Like I didn't want to be a conformist within like a certain group, but at the same time I did. So I ended up with like the theater people and the other nerds who didn't really fit, but like I wanted to fit.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:27] Right. Okay. So you have this need to explore your emotions and at the same time, this needs to be validated. And so you're very much still looking for people to tell you that the you are needed and you're definitively getting these people who need your help and you're staying up late. And your mom comes to you and says that this is a problem.
So what happens after that?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:22:51] I try to set more boundaries with their support of. Asking for help and saying that there were needs there. And recognizing what with friends who had dynamics that I needed to acknowledge where we're bigger than anything that I could support. But I wouldn't say I, it was still very much muddling through like very much muddling around.
I mean, I loved, I loved theater. I've always, I mean, I've always loved theater. I've always loved acting. It really fit well because it meant that I could be center stage. I could have attention. I could get validation and I could play parts. I could be the chameleon.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:33] did that. Okay. I have a question now that did that help you with those emotions that you were trying to learn and understand by participating in theater?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:23:42] That's an interesting question. I, I think it gave me a place to be. Play, but I also played very more fanciful characters. Like I got the roles like the white witch in, or the white queen in the lion, the witch and the wardrobe. So lots of screaming and yelling and being important. Tonya in the, a Midsummer night's dream, which was also very much controlling, but then getting, getting fooled.
And then the Baker's wife in into the woods who also controlling and needy. And so it was, I think it's more a reflection of the roles that I got and that resonated for me Necessarily where I processed. It was more a place to hide than to process. I would say it was a place to be seen, but also be hidden if that makes sense.
And, and to feel there was a freedom in that too. There's a freedom in that because I am one of, one of my boyfriends, I would say I got a crush on him because of the role he played. So it was this fantasy space. I mean, I also did work in the Renaissance festival, so, and that's, you're basically living for a whole weekend as a different person and playing a part and a character.
That isn't you, but is.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:07] So I, in some ways I think that could be extremely freeing.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:25:12] Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, because if I was rejected, it wasn't me necessarily. That was getting rejected. It was the part, the character. And if I was accepted, then I, it was fun.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:24] Yeah. Huh, maybe more, if you were accepted, then it was okay. It was you. And if you weren't, then it was just the character and you could re like, just let it go because of that.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:25:36] Yes. Yes. And at the same time, I would say that I, it never felt like enough because outside validation can never actually feel like enough when it's not met with the internal experience.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:50] Right.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:25:52] never receive it. It was always a, it was like a black hole.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:57] Okay.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:25:58] There was never an enough to make me feel.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:01] So even though you got it, it would maybe heal for a second.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:26:04] Yeah. It would feel good in the moment, but then there was always a desire for more
of that.
As you know, other people, other people needing me was my own addiction.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:14] Right. Okay. So high school
Valerie Friedlander: [00:26:18] Onto college dived, right into a really dysfunctional, emotionally abusive relationship.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:24] What did that look like?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:26:26] Uh, that, that looked like me trying to prove that I was good enough. That looked like late conversations with this person. And I will say that I believe there was some manipulation there. I don't think that that was just my, I played a part. I have done work to own my part of this, but there were some major other dynamics happening and this was. Late night conversations where he would share with me about his girlfriend back home and the struggles that they were having. And I was, being helpful. I w I would help and then not slowly turned sexual
Damaged Parents: [00:27:13] okay.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:27:14] there was definitely some. There was some intention behind that. On his end, there was a lot of emotional manipulation that was happening.
And I was in a position to respond to that because of my desire to be better. No, I, I can understand you better than anybody else. I will be the bigger person. I will be the one who deals with it when you go back to her, because you'll realize that I'm actually the person, I will deal with it when you cheat on me, because you're going to see that I'm the bigger person and I can still be friends because I'm better. I'm I, it was, constantly proving myself
Damaged Parents: [00:27:59] If he had a girlfriend and you're trying to help on some level, you probably knew, he was unavailable and yet. I'm not sure where you trying to prove to yourself that you were valuable by hanging out with him. And then when he came to you, was it more that validating that yes you are needed?
I I'm trying to understand.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:28:25] Yeah, no, absolutely. It's hard to kind of articulate the dynamic there. It started out as a friendship. I thought it was a friendship. And so it was just, you know, but I also we're teenagers remember? So there are hormones at play here too, but it's a friendship that we were talking and then, you know, there was, I thought there was a chemistry and.
You know, it was just, it was a slow progression. It was little things that added up into, I can't, I don't even know that I could articulate what happened or where it changed or it was trying to be helpful. And then it was the words changed of you. You understand me better than she does. Why couldn't, you know, like it was not an interpretation on my part.
It was words. On his part that slowly shifted the relationship into, Oh, there's an interest here. Like I had a crush on somebody else and I went to him for help. And the advice that was given was not in that it was very clear. He was like, I know what's going to happen here. And this gives me an opening.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:37] Ah, okay.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:29:39] know, so like I said, I, I believe there was emotional manipulation happening and I mean, and, and it happened again in the room. So the reason I say that is there were instances where he cheated on me and I found out and. It was over because this person needed him more. Like he couldn't let this, you know, not be there for it, or it wasn't even a Chino.
It was, uh, the first time I ever got drunk, I was like, okay, we're going to, I'm going to drink alcohol for the first time. I'm terrified. But like, I want this experience. I'm in college. You're going to be there for me. Right. You're going to be there. And he's like, yeah, I'm going to be there. Like, okay, you're going to keep, you know, Okay.
It's a friend's birthday. We're going to go. And I drank and partway through that evening. He's like, Oh, I just got a call from this other girl and she needs me. So I got to go and he left me and I spent the rest of that birthday party crying in the corner, like, and there wasn't even a, like a relationship, but that turned into a relationship.
And I knew that this was the same thing that had been done that I had participated in was being done. In return, but then I was going to be the bigger person and I wasn't going to behave like that other girl.
The ex. I wasn't going to behave like that. So I was still going to be friends and I was going to show him and then he was like, wow, you're so amazing.
And then, but I can't let her go because she'll fall apart if I do, but I really miss you. And those sorts of like, it was a very toxic relationship.
And confusing and it just, it played on all of the things for me. It also played into a, an idolization of my parents' relationship because they met in college when my dad was a sophomore and my mom was a freshmen and they had only been together intimately.
And this was my first intimate. And this was a sacred thing that I had given him. And so like, The, the importance of this. And, and if you work hard enough things work, right? Like if you just put enough energy in and if you just try like work hard enough, try hard enough.
But I had missed the piece where it needed to be both people trying.
Couldn't couldn't just be one sided.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:54] Yeah. It's just a crucial piece.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:31:56] Kind of kind of important kind of important, but, you know, I mean, there were, there were things like we were, he, he convinced me that he wanted to get back together by buying us tickets to the Caribbean for new years and, the next new year's.
And he said that he had told me for when we were first together, that that was what he was going to do with the person he wanted to be with forever. I was like, Oh, okay. You know, That, uh, I guess you were serious cause you actually bought these tickets and those aren't cheap.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:23] Great.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:32:24] then he broke up with me two weeks beforehand for someone that he had met online.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:28] Oh, ouch. Okay. So this,
this is hard.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:32:32] Very, there was a lot of stuff there. I would say that there was probably some sex addiction going on, on, on his part. Just no, like learning some of those dynamics. I can't label, I don't label other people with their things, but there, there was definitely. Emotional abuse and toxic situations.
And I, once that relationship was over, I had a lot of people say, you are like a whole different person. You are so much brighter and happier. And I sat, he didn't like theater people, so I didn't like theater people. I didn't do thing. I mean, there were core parts of myself that I let go of in that relationship.
I lost myself in it because it played on all of, all of the stuff
Damaged Parents: [00:33:18] Yeah. So he breaks up with you for another, person.
Are you depressed?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:33:23] yeah. I mean, yeah. we we had a big fight in the hallway. It's not. And, and the dynamics of, of that went from anger and meanness to, Oh, I'm so sorry. This was such an awful thing. And like kind of pandering. It was just like just, there was a kind of a back and forth of a shifting of the, in the dynamics of the interaction.
And then ended up with me on the floor in tears, which was not new in that relationship. And letting that go was. Took time. That was, there was a lot of, I mean, pieces of it were, are still, I mean, I would say it had a huge impact on me. It taught me a lot over time in the healing process. I. Didn't realize the dynamics of my own stuff, because I was so focused on what he had done to me, which is valid.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:23] That a little more. Your stuff
Valerie Friedlander: [00:34:26] I hadn't acknowledged the pieces of my patterning that had matched with his. And whatever stuff was going on for him, it was easier to, I don't necessarily want to say de-humanize him, but look at him as being wrong and bad, then it was to say, I played a role in this. I did, but not to the extent that I did once the following year, I had a roommate who. Would go into this space, uh, when she was upset, she would kind of cocoon. That was her stress coping and I'm, I was like, talk to me, I'm here. I want I'm a Venter. So I kind of assumed that everybody else would be vendors unless I was the problem. And then since she was cocooning and didn't want to talk to me, I assumed that I must be the problem.
And then I made myself the problem because I wanted her to talk to me
Damaged Parents: [00:35:19] no.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:35:21] and then I realized that I was doing some of the same behaviors. Cause I, I accused her. I was like, you're just like my ex. And after those words came out of my mouth, I thought, wait a second, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
And that's when I saw the pattern I was the common denominator. And at that point I went to bed and I was not getting back up. Because I had done everything I could think of to grow. And I had tried so hard and I clearly had failed and I didn't know what else to do. And so I was just going to stay in bed,
Damaged Parents: [00:35:59] and how in the world did you find the courage to get out of bed?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:36:02] a woman. Uh, classmate, that was actually more friends with my roommate at the time, came in, looking for my roommate, saw me and she, and I had had a late night conversation here on one of those college dorm room, late night conversations. And I had mentioned that my dad was an alcoholic in recovery, but that, you know, I had, he was better.
So everything's fine. And she saw me in bed and came over and checked on me and was like, Hey, I'm going to an Alanon meeting. Do you want to come? And I thought I remember this, well, it can't get any worse than this, so sure. I will go. And I went to a meeting and I went, Oh, Oh yeah. I, I, this is familiar. And I recognize these patterns that what everyone is talking about, this is what's going on for me.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:51] So it wasn't the familiarity from when you were eight years old, it was familiarity to the stories that the other participants were telling and how so all of a sudden you fit in.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:37:06] Well, I knew, I knew that there was a solution. I wouldn't say it was so much fitting in. Cause it was hard because the only other person, my age was my friend who brought me there.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:15] Okay.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:37:16] So I was a whole bunch. Everybody else were adults. They were, uh, probably. Oh, I'm about, I'm about to feel old. Probably my age, like 40, 40 and up. Oh man. Okay. Yeah, so at least they were at least 40 and up. And so that, that was a little tricky to feel like I actually fit in. Plus it was a really small town. So there was the. Who was available and actually close by and, and all of that was limited. But through that, I started learning about healthy communication and I started learning about essentially the tools that I'd seen in the tool box, how to use them.
So being able to listen. Being able to own my own stuff, recognizing in my life. And it was interesting because there's a whole list of characteristics of adult, children of alcoholics that when I read it in a meeting, I went, Oh my God, you meet enough. People do this. They wrote it down.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:23] okay. I have a question
Valerie Friedlander: [00:38:25] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:25] when I look at the 12 steps, I don't see anything in those steps that has anything to do with emotional intelligence. And what you're talking about sounds a lot to me, like you learned emotional intelligence. How does that work?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:38:41] Hm. It's hard in some ways for me, because so much of my journey since then, The tools, they, they all go together. And I wouldn't say that they all came from the same place, but I've kind of like pulled from my mediation training and coach training and experience in 12 step and work in a community or spiritual community.
And it's all, it's all kind of mushed together, but I, I would say that. A lot of it is in practice with other people. The friends that brought me in was dealing with a lot of her own trauma and being able to, there was one instance that really stood out for me and taught me a lot, which was, I said something to her that she felt was hurtful.
And I responded with I'm sorry. But this is why I did it. And here's what you did.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:35] Oh,
Valerie Friedlander: [00:39:36] And I are like looking at it now. I'm like, well, that was not, not well done, but she, she told me that that's unacceptable. I can't accept an apology that is coupled with how like excuses and what I did wrong. And don't talk to me anymore. I don't want you to contact me. And I spent what felt like ages, trying to figure out how do I fix this? How do I get her to forgive me? How, what can I do to get her to forgive me? Who can somebody talk to her for me? Like, I'm not, she doesn't want me to email her. She doesn't want me to call her, how do I get her to forgive me?
And it suddenly hit me that I can't, it's not up to me to get her, to forgive me. That's hers. And if she chooses not to forgive me, that's her choice. I have to let it go and just try and be a better person. Like grow, not like be better than her, but like grow and learn. I just have to learn from this experience and, and trust that it's going to work out the way it needs to and let her have her own choice instead of trying to control her and her choices.
And that night. She came and started talking to me again, as soon as I let it go.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:50] Wow. that seems like a really hard lesson to learn, to let someone else have their choice and to honor it. And you chose to honor it, even though it was so uncomfortable for you, because it sounds like you really loved and cared for this person.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:41:07] Yeah, well, and she was also the only person on the same journey with me doing that work of, of dealing with past impact. And so she was one of my closest friends at that point, and I really. I didn't know what to do. I spent a lot of time spinning in that and letting that go was a big deal and to have the universe affirm that for me of like, yes, you got it.
Valerie. Here you go. Well done that. That was a huge thing. And so I don't know that that necessarily answers your question as much as it's just, it was the journey of. Not being the one in charge and recognizing that I have emotions, but I am not my emotions and that other people that I have a part to play, and I need to work on staying on my side of the street and letting other people have their side of the street.
So. I mean, and that's that's taken years and I still still have it come up periodically. I would say the biggest aha that came from that about a year or so later. I was in the car, listening to Amy man. And she does the Magnolia soundtrack and she's got all these songs that are very much about feeling like a victim of life.
And I was listening to that soundtrack and it suddenly hit me. I don't want to feel like this. Like I do not want to resonate with this music anymore. It's great music, but I don't want it to hit home for me. And I want to be an agent in my life. I want to make choices. I want to know that I can make choices.
And if they go in a way that doesn't go so well, then I can make a different choice. I want to trust that I can choose and I can fail. And it'll be okay. That, that my choices aren't life or death decisions that they're just choices. And I can grow from them. And it was shortly after that, I met the person who became my husband
Damaged Parents: [00:43:19] awesome.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:43:21] and it was a very much an intentional relationship of things where he invited me up to his apartment and I went, I know what happens if I go up there and I don't know how I want to respond.
And I know that I will default. Into not responding. And I will just go with whatever happens and I don't want to do that. So I'm going to take a rain check and I'm going to decide what I want to do. And then I decided what I wanted to do, and I accepted the invitation and he also was very clear of checking in with me.
And I noticed myself checking out. And, you know, we were kissing and he was making out and stuff. And I noticed that I started to check out and go away because , remember my first intimate relationship was dramatic.
So I started to check out and go away and I stopped myself and I went, Valerie, do you not want to be here?
Because if you don't want to be here, you shouldn't be here.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:17] Right.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:44:18] I said, no, no, I do want to be here. Okay. Then be here. Then be here, make a decision. Because I had decided several days, probably a couple of weeks ahead of time that I wanted to be an agent. So just do it and, kudos to him for also checking in at other points and going, is it, this is okay with like pausing with me on top of him going hands up going, are you sure this is okay.
It's like, like, I mean that just like I had never had a guy do that where he was like, I'm the one in the power position and he's the one going, I'm checking in with you. I was like, Oh my God, like melting.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:56] Be still my heart.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:44:58] So, you know, and he's helped me heal a lot. Just listening, not same experiences, not the same resonance, but listening and being present.
For that processing and allowing it to change him and learn from me in turn. And it's made a huge difference in terms of, you know, I think everything from there was very much intentional, like working on, being clear on my side and communicating, because that was really what it came down to is communicating. What was going on and saying, okay, before we get married, I want to, you know, we're going to do couples counseling. And after kids, when I had resentments building up and we were, our communication was not doing so well.
And I said, I want to go see somebody. And he's like, why? I don't understand. I said, cause those were well, they go away in a moment. They come back and they're getting worse and I want to do something about it. Well, I'm like, why don't you? Well, it feels like failure. I'm like, failure is letting this go.
It's not doing something about it. And he's like, you're right. Okay. Let's do this. So we went, if I had known about coaching, I probably would've gone with a coach because it was really not about healing past stuff. It was about how do we move forward and do the next, like, how do we be us now as parents in a relationship and in life.
But. Finding myself in a space of, I, I don't, I'm not happy. And I did all the self work and I did all the, you know, all the self work and family and amazing husband. And I had a nice house and like all this stuff. And I'm like, why am I not happy? What happened here? And then I found coaching as a career exploration thinking corporate coaching, and then learning those tools when Oh, This ties in all the work I've done.
This ties in and it's not digging into other people's pasts. It's about how to move forward using tools and creating positive action. And so that was. Like, okay. Now we are, we're continuing to move forward and add in new things. And I find that a lot of the people who come to me are people who are dealing with the codependency and navigating.
Cause I think it's infused in our society. I mean, it's just look at the love songs. Like, it's so, so much part of our society. And my husband is now getting to learn stuff from me and I get to pass on some of that with my kids where, you know, I was talking to my mom the other day and sharing about how I had just had a conversation with my son about emotions.
And he was really upset about something. And he said, yeah, I feel angry and disappointed and, you know, expressing it. And she's like, wow. I want to cry because this is coming from me, growing up in a home where we weren't allowed to have emotions or relationship where there weren't emotions into learning, how to have emotions into having a kid who got to go through the emotions and build on knowing that it's okay to ask for help and knowing that emotions are important, but not.
I, I said recently that emotions are great informers. They're not great deciders
Damaged Parents: [00:48:18] isn't that the truth?
Valerie Friedlander: [00:48:20] getting to then work with other women and my own kids and family around learning how to own your own stuff so that you can show up in a way that heals. And grows and hopefully shifts. Paradigms.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:40] Yeah, because it seems like. There's this continuum of learning, regardless of what we've learned till now, it will continue and we'll have a deeper understanding and maybe the something will be triggered again and again, and that's okay. I don't think it's wrong. I think it's okay. But Three things that you want the listeners to walk away with, that you want them to know today when they're listening that are important to you and the, you think that might help them.
Valerie Friedlander: [00:49:10] Hmm. I would say that
Where you are is normal for you. You're not broken. You're not wrong. You're, you're where you are. And there's a reason honor the feelings that are happening. And look to them to help, you know, what the next thing to do is and ask for help. It's okay. To ask for help and have support.
We're not meant, well, this is a very individual journey and a lot of ways, and it's not something that anybody can do for you. You're not meant to do it alone. Yeah. And that would that's. I think that's the biggest thing is, just. You have your feelings, they're there for a reason they're important. Okay.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:57] okay. So you want to stick with just that one big
Valerie Friedlander: [00:50:01] Yeah, I think, I think that's really just the honor, you know, feelings are important there information about how you're experiencing life and what's happening in your world and you get to decide what you do with that information. Giving yourself, the space to make that decision is important and asking for help is, is also key because we're, we all.
We only see what we know, like our, our brains, like patterns. So they tend to gravitate towards what we already know. And so asking for help and from whoever someone who's gonna help you, like listen and not impose their own stuff on you is really important. There are lots of people who are happy to help impose their and out to help by imposing their own stuff on you or tell you what you should do.
Finding somebody who's willing to listen and help you hear yourself beyond all of the stuff that we tend to pile on it. And the perception filters that we have, you deserve it.
You deserve support. We all deserve support.
Damaged Parents: [00:51:00] Most definitely. Well, thank you Valerie, for coming here today. I really appreciate it. It's been so much fun.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We really enjoy talking to Valerie about how she learned to recognize her dysfunctional behaviors and make new choices. We especially liked when she reminded us, we aren't supposed to do this thing called life alone.
To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
