Episode 23: From Surviving to Empowered

Bio:

Meet Erin Stabile who helps Enlightened Souls Ditch Shitty Mindset & Energetic Blocks Through Intuitive Empowerment Coaching to Step Into Your Power. About 3 years ago Erin had a moment of clarity in a job review. She was told to find something that makes her happy. She felt like a lightbulb went off. Two days later she had gastric sleeve surgery, two weeks later she found her spiritual mentor and transformed her entire life. She began Reiki energy healing to help with her chronic pain, and her intuitive gifts turned on. She started this intense healing and transformational process. This process of transformation helped her to shed my plaguing anxiety, panic, depression and really started to help her process why she controls things so much and how to truly stop controlling and surviving and enjoying and embracing her life. When she was 16 my mother died, really turning her world upside down. This was when she really started to control all aspects of her life, friends, what she did, her weight.

You may find Erin here:

http://www.vintagemoons.com

https://m.facebook.com/groups/vintagemoons/

https://www.instagram.com/vintagemoonserin/

https://www.vintagemoons.com/tsbpodcast

https://www.pinterest.com/vintagemoons0148/

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqRkpvx/

CH: @erinstabile

Podcast Transcript Below:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where hurting, fractured, cracked people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about in my ongoing investigation of the damage self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage.

Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that?

There  a deep commitment. To becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? 

 My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me, not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.

 Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Erin Staveley. She has many roles in her life. Mother daughter, granddaughter wife, sister step-sister, aunt, dog, mom, cousin, and more. We'll talk about how she suffered from anxiety, chronic, pain, depression, and obesity had a moment of clarity and began her intense transformational journey. Let's talk

Welcome Erin to Relatively Damaged. How are you today?

Erin Stabile: [00:02:14] Good. I'm great. How are you?

Damaged Parents: [00:02:15] I am good. Now you are here because we're going to talk about a struggle and you're willing to share that with everyone. And if I understand it correctly, something happened three years ago, but maybe the struggle started before that. Could you just start where you think it started and then we'll walk through that journey?

Erin Stabile: [00:02:35] Yeah. So what I really remember is my anxiety and my panic starting at two to three years old. and you know, my parents, they struggled back and forth with their relationship and,  , indirectly, it always affects the children in some way. And, for me, It was just really about the anxiety needing to know where my mom was always wanting to be with her.

Like it just, it started young and when I was 16, she actually passed away. So that fear amplified and all of that anxiety, I mean, going to school, I would have panic attacks and I didn't understand what it was.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:14] old or at three years old, you're having panic attack. What did they look like at two and three years old?

Erin Stabile: [00:03:20] Not being able to breathe. Like my face would tingle at that the, the need to be with my mom was so severe that I would like, it would just, I had a really bad babysitter and it just, like I, I remember begging every day, please, please, please, please, please. Like, I just remember that panic and I've never, that feeling has not really ever left me.

So, I just remember it from such a young age, you know, like we were talking about it just, it becomes part of you, And, I didn't really learn until my twenties that it was panic and anxiety, but when I was 16, my mom died pretty, pretty quickly within about five weeks of being diagnosed with Leukemia and all of my anxiety and things that had built up.

Really amplified after that point. I really controlled who was in my life. I controlled every aspect of my life because I didn't want surprises. I didn't want somebody leaving my life. I didn't want, a relationship to end. Like all of those little things you start controlling. Money was weird.

My, my weight my anxiety, my panic, my depression, they just all really built. Built and built and built in and you just get to this point of, I was never happy. I never really felt I never had emotions. I never, cause I blocked it off. I didn't want to be heard again. You know, I was so traumatized by my mom dying that I just did everything I could to not have to feel again,

Damaged Parents: [00:04:46] so mom dies at six you're 16 and. Five weeks is so fast at 16. What were your feelings? It sounds like you, you recognize you panicked. It sounds like there's a tremendous amount of pain. How did you work through that with the panic and anxiety happening? Because I'm thinking it probably, uh, overflowed into school and social areas and things like that.

Erin Stabile: [00:05:11] It did. And it is it's interesting. Cause we, on my podcast this morning, we were talking about this and it, it really, it shifted friendships that I had, it shifted, really everything in my life because the people that I were super close to, I was no longer close to everybody. Kind of. Didn't like what they told me a couple of years later was they didn't know how to talk to me because I was so hurt, but that acquainted to everybody leaving my life.

So when I needed people, the most, they bailed and they didn't bail to hurt me, but they didn't know what to do. What 16 year old knows what to say to another 16 year old. But so it, it was a very. I learned to deal with things on my own. Never depend on anybody never count on anybody. I just went into a life of survival and by survival, I mean, I get up everyday.

I do what I'm supposed to do. I have to push myself forward, but I did not have emotion. I did not invest in anything emotionally. I lived, I survived. And that's what I talk about all the time is just living the life of survival, paying my bills, getting a job, putting myself through college, getting my degrees, having the job.

And, I I'm, I'm fortunate. I have a very good husband and good kids and but I was never happy, you know?

Damaged Parents: [00:06:29] did, so how did that happen? I know we're jumping from 16 to husband and children. And what I heard you say is you are alone and you spend all this time alone. you went to school, you got your degree.

Were you just checking off boxes or what is going on and how did you open up to even getting married? If it was safer to be alone?

Erin Stabile: [00:06:49] And it it's interesting because most of the relationships I had at 16, you know, relationships , are pretty come and go. But there was always a theme of being used being cheated on being, not treated properly. And it was by like, I had a fiance before I got married. Same thing. I, I gained a lot of weight during that relationship.

It wasn't a. Great relationship. It was, it was good for a while. And then it turns not so good and I gained a lot of weight. And as I gained weight, that was where I started to learn that my weight is a way I could control who is in my life. So the heavier I got the less interested he was. So I knew he wasn't really invested.

In me as a person and,  I allowed things to happen and I ended the relationship. And after that relationship, I just remember, you know, I started going out, I lost weight. I started to have fun and a lot of fun. It's like I was drinking a lot and I just remembered this voice in my head saying this it's time to make a choice.

You can either continue down this path or. It's time to shift. And it was just my wake up call because there's alcoholism in my family. And while I can, you didn't see, it was a problem. I was drinking a lot, most days of the week, so it was kind of my wake up call and I just, I really put it out to God and the universe.

And I just said, I want a husband. I can depend on somebody. I can rely on somebody. I never have to question what they're doing. Or if they say what they're doing is what they're doing. And I just really put it out there. And it was very, you know, I dated a little bit in between and whatever. And when I met my husband, I just knew, I never had to question if he said he was going to the store, he's going to the store.

I don't have to question what he's really doing after work or what he's doing with his money, or I just knew, you know what I mean? And even though I didn't really operate from a, a super emotional place, I knew that. It was, uh, is going to be a good relationship and we've been together for, I don't even know, almost 20 years, 18 years, 19 years.

Damaged Parents: [00:08:49] congratulations. That's awesome.

Erin Stabile: [00:08:52] And I knew I wanted, I always wanted kids and, and love for me has always been different. I loved my mom. She wasn't, Uh, super, I love you person. You know, I knew she loved me, but, and in this journey, me understanding what love is and, and not being.

So when the story fast, forwards a little bit, that'll make more sense, but it's just been a, a journey to learn and to understand, you know, we were pretty powerful when we shut ourselves off for. Things experiences, thoughts, feelings, emotions,

Damaged Parents: [00:09:23] seriously, and just going back to when you were dating, and it sounds like what you were saying is, in some ways you were choosing people that would. Leave you or hurt you in some way? Like, like maybe subconscious, but what do you think was happening with that? Or what did you not find value in yourself?

Do you see where I'm going? Like, I want to understand more of what you think might've been happening there.

Erin Stabile: [00:09:45] And it's, interesting because like, when my mom died was kind of my first relationship and, he was just, he had a lot of problems and. I just needed somebody to tell me that they love me or that they were concerned about me or, and it's not like I dated everybody that would have anything to do with me.

I wasn't like a desperate person, but I definitely, for most of my relationships and tell my husband, it was They didn't value me properly. I wasn't really their priority. I was there their second thought, and in a good relationship, like you have to have each other's backs, you know, no matter what, even if it's hard or you're fighting or whatever, you can't settle for being that person second or third after sports, or going out with friends or having guys night or whatever it is.

And I learned that I was done allowing people to treat me like that, allowing men to treat me like that, allowing somebody to cheat on me or to go behind my back or to not value me, no matter if I weighed 300 pounds or 120 pounds, you know, it, uh, just really put my foot down and it. It shifted everything, you know, and before I really knew what manifesting was that back then I had manifested my husband.

That is who I needed in my life. Like the right person, you know?

Damaged Parents: [00:11:04] right. So manifesting is where you put out in the universe, what you want. right. It sounds like you did that when you said I value myself enough to say, ah, this is the type of person I want to be with someone who values me and I value them and we're a team. it's, it almost seems like in some way, You had to believe first and it had, it sounds like it was it in a moment or was it a process of, you know, you had all these bad relationships and, or did you finally like it go, Hey, I'm done. This is it. This is what I want.

Erin Stabile: [00:11:38] Yup. And, you know, I dated, after my fiance, I dated another person and and he liked me, wanted to date me. Wouldn't introduce me to his kids or his family. And that's when it was just like, I'm done. If I'm not good enough for everybody in your family, like I just was it's like, I just remember telling myself I'm done accepting anything where people think I'm not good enough for their family, or I'm good enough to go drink with, but I'm not good enough to meet your kid.

I'm still a good person, whether I'm having a drink at the bar or I'm not. So, I just really remember like being done and I just was like, God, I'm done. Like I want, this is what I want. And I'm done accepting, you know what I mean, kind of the leftovers or, or whatever it is. But, I just really remember putting that out there and not only just saying it but firmly believing it.

And that's where you like manifesting is married. You can say whatever you want, but if you're not backing it with what you're doing and feeling and seeing, then it's not gonna, it's not going to shake out. Right.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:44] right, right. So could you tell us what was that for you? What were those things for you?

Erin Stabile: [00:12:49] Just remember. So that last person I dated, I remember hearing a comment about I was a tramp or this or that, and I had never slept around. I'd never had a one night stand. Never. And I just remember hearing somebody in the bar say something about me and him and just not being good enough, side piece, whatever, whatever the word was.

And I was just like, you know what? I just, cause I had, I just knew it. And I just, I remember going home and I didn't really write it out. I just remember saying, you know, I want to have kids. I want to have a husband. I want to have one husband, one good relationship. For me, it was important for my kids to have the same father.

Like I just put it out there. This is, that's what I wanted, and it's really hard because I still remember the feeling of putting all of myself behind it. I want a reliable husband, a good dad. You know, he works hard and loves me no matter what. And I, at my highest weight, I was 326 pounds.

That's not a light person. And my husband has never once made me feel less beautiful at 326 pounds or valuable than I do now at under 200, you know? So that was what I wanted in my life. That is what I deserved. And that is what. Happened. And it's, it's hard to describe, but it just, I was just done accepting sub-prime behavior or being somebody who's good enough for right now.

You know what I mean?

Damaged Parents: [00:14:15] I do

Next steps. You start dating. How do you know, what do you look for, I guess is maybe the better question in this person who's going to become your husband and how do you know, was it just a different feeling?

It's really hard. I think it's what I'm struggling finding the right question, but what I'm getting at is. How did you know that he wouldn't cheat on you, that he valued you?

Erin Stabile: [00:14:39] Yeah. So now I know that I'm an intuitive. Person that's part of what I do for my work, but I just knew, I mean, I think we, we met on match.com and I think, it was a few weeks months before I felt comfortable, you know, meeting somebody in person. It's a scary thing cause what if they're a serial killer?

I think we finally met like, In September and we were married by April. So I just didn't, it wasn't a question, I guess, you know, it just, it just was right. So, I mean, I think I moved in with them by November and we were married in April.

Damaged Parents: [00:15:18] Would you say it was like a peaceful feeling or a, just a comfortable, what did that feel like?

Erin Stabile: [00:15:24] ever did made me question it, where in the past they would, people, I dated would say something and I, I would overthink it or it'd be like, Oh my God, is he really doing that? And then with my husband and I never, never once. Even had that thought of, you know, when you're in a relationship where you're wondering where that person is, they're not coming home, they're not paying the bills.

They're hanging out with people who like to hang out at strip clubs everything they say, you question, and then every lie you catch them in your questioning. So your anxiety, your panic, your fear, your depression, your you're already negative. Self-worth just. You become this obsessive weird person. And I remember, cause I remember those thoughts and feelings and that was when, calling him my husband.

I was like, I can't, I don't ever want to question. So it's not just, I don't want to question what he's doing. It's I don't want those panic thoughts. I don't want those. Oh my God. It's four in the morning. What could, who is he doing? What is he bringing home to me? Is he going to get her knocked up? I don't.

I've never, you know, if my husband's like, Oh, I'm going to go out with my friend. I don't care do it. If you need a ride, call me ? And it's like, I've never once had to ever question, you know,

 I just never had to. Ever have that feeling if you've ever been cheated on or we've ever questioned somebody that you've been with, if you think you need to go through somebody's phone, you're not in the right relationship.

So I have my husband's passcode. He has mine. My kids have mine. Like I don't, you know what I mean? It's, there's nothing. Yes, there's privacy, but it's not necessary. We share bathroom. We share kids, we share everything. It's. If I can't have open access to his phone, that's a problem. There's something wrong.

Damaged Parents: [00:17:06] right.

Erin Stabile: [00:17:06] I don't need to search through it, but it's there. If I want to, you know what I mean? It's, I've never felt the need to have to do that.

Damaged Parents: [00:17:13] so there's a level of trust that is there. That couldn't have happened in those other relationships. And it's having the passcodes doesn't necessarily mean they'll be used. It just says, you know, what, if you ever need it here it is. Or heaven forbid, something happened to you and they need access to the phone.

At least he's got it. Okay, what happened next?

Erin Stabile: [00:17:39] We got married couple of kids later. It's you just really start, I've always lived in the life of survival, so we've always kind of lived paycheck to paycheck and. You have enough, which is good, but we've never had more. So, you know, I always work more than one job. You know, kids are expensive.

Daycare is expensive, the school is expensive. And you just start living that life of survival. I called it the mom life. So you're getting kids up. My husband goes to work super early, so it's me and the kids in the morning, getting them up, getting them to daycare, getting them to school working all day.

If I have to come home and work at night, you're, you're doing baths or homework and dinner and whatever errands they have to run, or if they have a party, you know, you just get stuck in that life of doing for everybody else. And you realize that you're really not happy. You're not fulfilled. You don't have dreams.

You're just keeping other human beings alive, which is a job. But. You also deserve to be happy,  and for a long time, until the last three years, I just lived for them. My mom died when I was young. I wanted my kids to fully have me in memories, in case I died at a young age and which isn't a bad thing.

And it's what parents should do to have fun with their kids. Take them, have experiences, do stuff. And my son has severe anxiety. Like I do. My daughter does not as bad as my son, so he's not been a kid that we could leave with a babysitter. Even grandparents. I mean, he, you know, he, he have a panic attack till we get home.

I mean, it's just, it's just who he is. So we've never done dates. We've never, you know, you just start really feeling the heaviness of, of life and it. It's not bad. You know, it's not a bad thing. It's, you're doing what you're supposed to do, but you should also enjoy your life and have dreams and goals and hopes and wishes.

And that's just something that I was not doing.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:34] until about three years ago. So you've got these kids with anxiety. You've got your own anxiety. You can't leave the home now, or that even with grandma. And grandpa, you can't leave the kids with them. And now you're figuring something needs to change is what I'm thinking.

Erin Stabile: [00:19:53] Yep. Yeah. So, When I was 32, I'm 42. Now I fell in a race. I hurt my leg and I broke my leg, my broke, my ankle, tore my ACL. And it really started me on a path of pain because as soon as it was about a year before I recovered from that, the next year my other knee gave out. So I'd spent the next from 33 to 39 in. So much pain it was hard to go to a grocery store unless I could lean on the cart. I couldn't take my kids to the park. I couldn't take them for a walk. I couldn't, every step I take, I have to be careful and it just got to the point of, I was at my highest weight and the doctor had offered a certain type of knee surgery.

Cause I used to be incredibly athletic and mobile and, That depression, the anxiety took over the depression took over. You know, when you have chronic pain, you start living that life of survival in another sense, but you get robbed so much and not being able to take my kids to the pumpkin patch, not being able to walk to a, a parade, even to their conferences at school, like, Oh my gosh, how far away do I have to park from the school?

And even though I did it. it was hard. And I ended up just, I was about 326 pounds. And I remember the knee surgeon just said you know, we can do this high tibial osteotomy, which will buy you hopefully 10 years before you need a knee replacement. Because my bone was, it was bone on bone.

So when I walk, you just feel your bone rubbing and My weight didn't help. And I knew that. And he said, if you could even lose 10% of your body weight, because I knew from the surgery, I would have to be non-weightbearing for at least two to three months, and which means crutches. And so I just, that year, I was just kind of back and forth because I talked about, you know, my husband and I talked about my gastric sleeve surgery and It was my brother's wedding a few months later.

And I just, I had to be on my feet all day long because pictures and this and that. And, I was in so much pain, by the end of the day. And I just told my husband, I'm like, I have to do it.

Damaged Parents: [00:22:01] I've got to ask, how was the pain? I mean, you didn't have the pain, but how was the anxiety and the panicking when you were fit and moving and doing all those fun things like running and exercising. And, then as a follow-up question to that after the injury, did it seem like just everything magnified or what happened there?

Erin Stabile: [00:22:22] so, you know, as, as a, as a kid, I played every sport you could play. My mom was an amazing woman, but she was not a cook. So if we couldn't make it ourselves we didn't eat so cereal, crap food. So I never had a problem with weight as long as I was exercising and. The anxiety never subsided much. I just learned to navigate it.

I learned when my heart started to beat fast, I needed to breathe different. I learned that, when all I can think of is, Oh my God, I like. Used to be my mom before she died. I just want to say my momma just want to see my mom just want to say my mom. So I would have to, I would calm myself.

I would just say it's okay. I'm going to see her soon. It's okay. I'm going to see her soon. It's okay. I'm going to see her soon. So I learned methods for myself to calm myself down. And so the exercise never really shifted that for me, but I loved. Being mobile. I loved playing sports. I loved high contact.

I loved riding my bike 25 miles. Like I loved those things. And, when I went to college, I had worked three jobs and it was a complete shift. I couldn't do that anymore. So that was when my weight really started to become a problem. Real life, you know, when, when you're, I mean, I worked in high school But I still made time to go to the gym.

Cause you have energy when you're that young. You know what I mean? But when I was in college, I worked a bar job and I didn't get home from the bar job till three in the morning. And I had to be to school at seven. So, and I worked two jobs in between, so there really was no time. And that's when I noticed my weight.

So it made my depression worse. Cause I felt worse about myself ? And. I really noticed after my accident. So it wasn't a fun run. It was like one of those mud races and I fell over a hurdle and, I enjoy being mobile. I enjoy taking my kids for hikes. I enjoy, doing walks and taking them to the park and going down the slide.

And I couldn't really take them to the park B I couldn't go down a slide and the heavier, I got the worst. It all got, when you're, when you don't love yourself very much and you can't fit into chairs, you're nervous to sit on a chair at school because what if it breaks, how am I going to get up?

There's all these fleeting things of you don't want to embarrass your kids because you're that fat. You don't want to, there's just like a million and people treat you differently, super different.

Damaged Parents: [00:24:37] Example, please.

Erin Stabile: [00:24:38] They look at you different. They have, it's very hard to describe. I have two college degrees.

I have tons of certifications. But heavier people wouldn't even look at me in the face. They wouldn't really acknowledge when I would speak. It's a different, if it's a different place.

Damaged Parents: [00:24:57] Wait, so. You're 300 and something pounds. You have all this knowledge. And is it like people just think, because you're so overweight, you can't possibly have knowledge or you can't possibly care about people. Do you think that's what was happening?

Erin Stabile: [00:25:12] Yeah. And like, like when I had my knee surgery, so I've had a few like I never even, no matter the pain, I would never use those wheeled carts.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:21] Oh,

Erin Stabile: [00:25:22] Yeah. When I was just heavy, I would never use those, because I, I didn't want people to make comments, you know what I mean? And even after having these surgeries, having to use those people still look at you.

So I always made sure I had my crutches, so I didn't have to hear the shitty comments, you know, like it's, it's like. We're so judgmental. And if people knew the amount of pain I was in, or like, we're all quick to judge on how somebody looks, how somebody acts, nobody ever I do, but most people do not operate from the place of what is that person going through?

How could you help them? Or like, I think it's hard for some people because they don't. They don't have those struggles or stripes, but I I've been all over the gamut with anxiety, with depression, with weight, with pain, with this and that. And I am educated. I chose to educate myself. I choose to constantly educate myself.

And it's disheartening, when people are So judgmental, because what if, what if, if, if they're overweight, it's not their choice. Maybe it's a medication they have to take for a chronic illness or,  maybe they've had so much trauma. That's how they deal with their life.

And it's not, you shouldn't punish them for it.

Damaged Parents: [00:26:36] were you really hearing negative comments? Really?

Erin Stabile: [00:26:40] No, you could hear it. If you're, I would use the crutch to try to knock stuff off the top shelf or, you know, and you're just like, so I always made sure if I, when I had my knee surgeries that I always took my crutches in so that people would know that I was in there for a reason. Not because I'm lazy because I'm fat because I'm gross.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:00] So you thought it, and this is, I think this is what you're thinking. If I use this scooter and. People see me because you've already heard the comments from when you were on the crutches, then they're going to think I'm lazy. I'm just fat because I want to be fat and I'm not a worthy human. Ouch. Do you think any, what do you think about. Like your own implicit bias around that. I mean, I don't think everyone was saying that, but

Erin Stabile: [00:27:30] no, I mean, you know, and then it's not everybody and kids are kids. That's how they learn. That's how they, you know what I mean? And, and it's more about. Having some human compassion, you know, it's, I'm not perfect. I I've judged people in the past and it's something that I check very heavily now.

And it's something I make sure if my kids are making comments, I'm like, you don't understand what they're going through. Even if they're having problems with kids at school, I always tell them, you know, yeah. That's not very good. Way that they're treating people, but you have to take into consideration.

They're learning that from somebody, they might not have a good home life, so maybe just be nice to them? And if, if they try it and it still doesn't work, then I'm like, just stay away from them. You know, it's, it's, that's something that they have to deal with, but give them a break. Maybe they just need a friend, maybe, you know, I said, people aren't just jerks to be jerks.

It's usually a learned behavior. So it's. Without forcing it on my kids. It's even just trying to have that awareness of just understand, some people don't have very good home lives. They don't, maybe they don't have a bed. Maybe they don't have nice clothes. Maybe they don't have a washing machine, don't add fuel to the fire.

Don't be the reason somebody wants to take their life because people are making fun of them or,  it's just that human compassion. I think.

Damaged Parents: [00:28:47] I think it's hard too, because as I was showing you before we started my hands don't work, right? So me walking around in this body, I constantly, I still forget sometimes that somebody else can be having a bad day, especially when they look normal. Or what's happening in their life. So, so I have to remember what I try to remember also is to be compassionate and catch myself when I'm not being compassionate.

And it's so hard. So what do you do in those moments when, and I'm thinking you probably do catch yourself, be getting frustrated or whatever.

Erin Stabile: [00:29:22] and I'm a human, so it's not, it's not about being perfect or being so much better than everybody else. It's just that awareness of, yeah. They have a handicap sticker, but they walk fine. That doesn't matter. What if they have fibromyalgia? What if they have CF? What if they have chronic pain?

Like I do. What if they have knee problems? I mean, my life would be so much easier if I had a handicapped accessible, you know, if I don't have to walk through an icy parking lot, that's just better for me. It's just having that reality checked yourself. I don't need to know their struggles, but I need to have compassion for them because if they're struggling.

It's you can't go out and tell your story to the whole world. Nobody cares, but. the other day I was in a business meeting in Panera bread and I heard somebody's chair crack and I'm like, get up, you need to get up right now. And he was a heavier man and he's like, ah, I'm like your chairs breaking me to get up right now.

And he was having a hard time get up and I was helping him get up. And somebody else I was with was helping them. And he's like, Oh, I'm okay. I'm like, no, you have to get up because the chair's breaking under you. And I've been there. I've been under the broken chair

and. it's just, it, it's not a choice.

It's not, even for me, it's, it's just doing what's best for that person, you know? And what was best for him was to get him off of that chair and onto a safer chair, it's not something I think about.

Damaged Parents: [00:30:40] so it's learning to make sure, well, not make sure, but learning to have compassion and love in your heart, or at least try to have it in your heart at all times, because like you said, we're human. So I think that's what I'm hearing from you is that. Yeah.

Erin Stabile: [00:30:53] And you know, it's just, it's just that awareness. It's I don't have to be on the lookout to do stuff for other people all the time, but even opening that door for somebody or that compliment, or, it's coming from a genuine place can change their day. You know, you might be the reason somebody doesn't go home and cry that day, it's.

Showing people that there are, there is things to live for and there's good things in the world. And, as a chronic pain person, it can consume you. Like, it's hard to be in pain all the time. And. A lot of people don't understand and a lot of people feel super alone, you know? So it's, it's just finding who's right for you.

And even if it's a community or group or a friend or other CF warriors or other, you know, knee replacement at 41, people like myself, it it's just having faith that, yeah, there's some jerks in the world. I mean, you can't change that, but. The more that you act on your acts of kindness, the more that other people will as well, you know, it's, and it's not like you have to be this carry a banner person.

It's just doing those little things, you know, the recognition or, anticipation. Maybe if you can just see it on their face, like just help them out?

Damaged Parents: [00:32:04] Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So we got to, something happened three years ago and we kind of backtrack or we went off on a tangent there. I do that a lot. So bear with me, but, okay. So let's get back to that three years ago and the journey since then,

Erin Stabile: [00:32:19] Yeah, so at my brother's wedding, I'm on my feet all day, the pain was just so much It took a week for, me to even kind of walk normal because I was in so much pain and, high amounts of ibuprofen are not good for your body. And that's how I lived. I did not have painkillers was just ibuprofen.

And I just told my husband, I'm like, it's time that I have gastric sleeve surgery. So I think I had a consult within a couple of weeks, and then within six months I had gastric sleeve surgery. So basically they cut out a portion of your stomach. Everything stays intact. They're just cutting out a large portion of your stomach.

And the intention behind that was to lose weight so I can have knee surgery. Obviously weight loss comes with a lot of benefits. You feel better, you look better, but you also trade The weight for serious skin issues, which I still have. It's not like you're transforming into this amazing skinny person that you've always wanted to be.

You're transforming, but you have to transform your mind. You have to transform your body. You have to transform your spirit, your soul. And I'm somebody who has a ton of skin and I have to have, I've had one skin removal surgery, and I have to have two more just to get back to a, kind of a normal body.

And that messes with you in a whole, another way, you know? So, but when I had gastric sleeve surgery, I just had this aha moment of, it was interesting, cause it was about two days before my surgery. I had my review at work and my boss said, you just need to find something that makes you happy. And it was just like, The light bulb switched on for me.

And I'm like, Oh my God, I do. And I found my spiritual mentor right after that within a couple of weeks. And I started doing some like one-on-one sessions and she had mentioned Reiki, which isn't an energy healing. And I really started that process to help me with my chronic pain. Nothing removes chronic pain, nothing, you can mask it, you can medicate it, you can.

But it is what it is. And I was willing to do anything to naturally help myself , alleviate some pain. And in that process, you know, I, my intuitive gifts kind of turned on, which means that I'm an intuitive medium. So,

Damaged Parents: [00:34:25] what does that mean? The intuitive medium. Okay.

Erin Stabile: [00:34:29] God ghost. So

Damaged Parents: [00:34:31] So wait, I have to, I just have questions because I'm interested and I don't understand that. Do you mind?

Erin Stabile: [00:34:36] yeah, no, that's fine.

Damaged Parents: [00:34:37] Okay. Okay, so a medium. So do you channel? Is that the right word channel that, so, and then you speak from that spirit or something.

What, what, or you

Erin Stabile: [00:34:48] Oh, I talked to them for me. I talked to them. And then so when I say intuitive, like they'll give me information super quickly, super fast. So that's how I know it's spirit helping me out with what I'm doing. So back when I was in my early twenties when I heard that voice in my head say, it's time to make a choice.

That was my intuitive side. My spirit team, trying to check me and say, You're either going to have this alcoholic life or it's time to change. And I can look back at my life now and remember those times, but I never really understood what was happening. I just knew I heard this voice say, you have to it's you have to change.

And. That stuff kind of started turning on for me in a lot of things started to make sense. And, but really through that process, it was really about healing because I've done therapy, I've done, you know, anti-depressants anxiety medication, and none of that for me ever helped. Helped enough to make a difference.

And I never found what worked for me and through this process, my kind of, my spiritual and the energy healing and that process really for me, what allowed me to start healing allowed me to start not having my anxiety be in control and not have panic attacks, not having my depression and not have all of these things that I was so used to.

It really allowed me to shift out of that and to really start the healing process, you know, it was like, it's almost like half of me got to go away. The half that was really holding me back or stopping me from having dreams and, excitement and loving my life and having a purpose. And, it was just, for me, it was very, very huge, too.

Kind of be able to let some of that stuff go.

Damaged Parents: [00:36:31] Yeah, so, okay. So this is all kind of happening at the same time and the gastric sleeve surgery, the Reiki. All, all of those things and what's starting to happen inside of you. It sounds like these things started not being at the forefront of your mind all the time or something. If you could explain that.

Erin Stabile: [00:36:53] Yeah, so. Like living for me, the life of survival, the kind of shutting myself off. It was, I always describe it as there's like a kind of a wall and front where I don't allow any emotion, any happiness, joy, excitement. I really lived very pessimistic, very negative. Nothing good ever happens to me because it doesn't type of a life to having dreams too. Shifting to actually feeling, which is still kind of new for me. Cause I've shut it off for so long. Like having emotion or like love understanding. And while I've always been an empath and felt empathy for other people, I never operated out of a place of emotion. So, now I can. I work with people so it, I can help people.

I feel what they feel. I know what they know. I, I do all of these things and now I know that I have to  clear that energy. And then when I clear that energy, I know that it's not my anxiety. It's not my depression. It's not my panic. It's theirs. So it's, I just started learning pretty fast that, I had my own stuff to heal, but I was also taking on energy from other people.

So now I know when I have like my panic, my anxiety, my heart rate. So for me, my heart rate, I had been cleared by numerous cardiologists because my heart rate would accelerate so much while I was sleeping. I thought I was dying. Many times. And I started learning that it's other people's energy because I've been cleared by every heart test imaginable.

I wore a monitor for 30 days. They're like, you're fine. You're totally fine though. I don't feel fine. But yeah, uh, everything like, it was just like, everything happened so quickly and while it's still a process and learning it It was a total shift of protecting myself from people, not having dreams, not having hopes, not having to putting myself first. My health, my mental health, my physical, spiritual, emotional health. And I really noticed when I started doing that, that my family shifted in a better way. And, you know, instead of the kids saying, we're too broke to do that, you know, now it's, we just can't do that right now. You know, it's shifting their minds of kind of the negativity and just even helping them with what we were talking about.

Like, you don't have to be best friends with that person, but. Just appreciate them. Maybe they don't have a good home life. Maybe just try to be friends with them. Maybe just, you know, it's all those little things that I've done and now it gets to trickle down to my family, and, you know, I help clients with the same thing.

So it's me being able to recognize my traumas, my pain, my, what I'm doing to myself or what has happened to me. And. Like to me, healing is always a choice. So I I've always chose to move forward. In life I've never let things hold me back, but I was never necessarily happy or, I just always pushed forward.

So now it's the shift of healing is still a choice it's everybody's choice. We don't have to heal But that's where I can kind of push people like, okay, you want to have this life, then this is what we have to do, you know? And it's, you have to choose and you have to, it's just helping people with that recognition and the understanding.

And, it's just, it's a different place and it's hard to describe, but it's so freeing to not have to live in that negative space.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:12] yeah, cause it really sounds like where you lived was negative and in pain. And now. You get to live this very complex life and it's okay. And for whatever reason, you couldn't do that before.

Erin Stabile: [00:40:28] yeah, it, I was just so tied up in. Never moving forward. Not being good enough, not, I was just really stuck in the. The survival mindset is what I like to say, because, while every day is, part of survival, you don't have to live that negative life. Like we talked about manifesting to manifest.

You have to believe you have to have faith. You have to do what you're gonna do. And you have to say what you're saying, you're doing, you have to combine it. So as we're healing, as we're growing, as we're shifting. You're bringing that good energy. You're bringing those good thoughts. You're bringing everything that you want in your life can, you can have, you just have to have the mindset and you have to have the action to back it up, and you don't have to know how or when or where or why it's going to happen.

You just have to give it to God and the universe and allow them to bring it to you. So most of us won't ask for help. So you're not going to allow anything to come to you because you're not asking for it. there's just this complex little system of asking and receiving. And a lot of us won't ask and we're not good at receiving.

So we're always blocked in some way, and for me, this healing process is allowing not controlling asking which is a complete shift in my entire life. So it's not like you just do it automatically. It's it's everyday you're taking these intentions in these steps and. Some days I have bad anxiety days, but they don't control me anymore.

I'm not down for days or weeks or months. If I have a bad interaction, I look at that interaction. Okay. Why is this bothering me? Why is it coming up right now? What do I need to do about it? What am I doing wrong? Is it somebody else? Like there's this whole system that I have now of processing.

And getting, getting over it instead of dwelling on it, like one email I used to like put me into a depression for three weeks. Oh my gosh, I'm not good enough and panic about it and fear. And now I'm like, Oh, that sucks. I got to make sure not to do that again. What do I need to do to not do that again and move on?

Damaged Parents: [00:42:27] so it sounds like a lot of practice and I just have to know, did it feel weird at first? And if so, what was that like? I mean, you're trying to shift this perspective, you know, you want it and you're doing it. Were there some like, does, am I sure I'm going down the right path or this is scary and I'm still going to do it.

What was going on after you started this transformational

Erin Stabile: [00:42:52] interesting because I never. I've never looked back. I don't want that life back. I don't want that heaviness. I don't want that. I don't like it now that I can be in this better place. I don't want to go back there. Because there's no hope for Erin in that world. There's no ability to travel and work.

Abundantly and do these things in that place. There's Aaron living paycheck to paycheck. There's Erin doing everything she's supposed to do it for everybody else. There's in, I've never once thought about going back to that because I didn't like it. You know, I wasted 39 years, in that, in that place, you know?

And I definitely is not where I want to go back to.

Damaged Parents: [00:43:34] Yeah, but those new behaviors. So the new behaviors, did they ever feel foreign to you?

Erin Stabile: [00:43:40] it it's hard because when you're a negative and I was very negative It takes practice and every day it takes practice and it's still not like something I'm just a master at it's. Okay. I've had a few bad days. Why am I so negative? Did something happen? I need to check myself. I need to clear it. I need to meditate.

I need to figure out what is going on. Is it a new person in my life? Am I just letting things get to me is my eating off. Like you just have to kind of do this evaluation process. So the more you do it, the easier it is for you to be like, Oh yeah, I remember. And sometimes those things are coming up because they've happened in our past and we need to remember, okay, this is what I did last time.

This is what I need to do about it this time, or this is what I need to be careful of. Or it's, it's really a learning process. And I document a lot of stuff in my notes on my phone, so that, Oh yeah, I remember this last time I remember this happened. So you can shift out of it faster, you know, it's I always say it's not about being perfect.

It's not, you're not a perfect manifestor you're not having a perfect life. You're not, it's about working through it every single day. And I have bad days. I still, my anxiety ticks up. Sometimes my depression, this, you know, kind of this highs and lows of, of what we've been going through the last year has been heavier for me.

But it's about pulling myself out of it. I don't depend on anybody else to pull me out of my problems or what's holding me back. It's my choice. It's my actions, it's just having that, that recognition of, okay. You've been kind of negative for a few days.

What's up, you know? And cause now I can kind of feel that negativity. So it's not like I'm a light and bubbly person. I'm just a real honest person. But I can feel when I feel that heaviness, I would say it was like a blanket. If I feel that for a few days, something's up, I need to figure it out.

Aside from maybe I'm just tired that day, you know,

Damaged Parents: [00:45:31] Yeah, it sounds like it became a sign. Now it's a sign to you. If you're feeling that feeling so that you can check in with yourself. I think the other thing I'm hearing you say is it's practice and sometimes it's triggered more so than other times. And just now you happen to have tools that help you deal with it.

Erin Stabile: [00:45:51] Yeah. And you know, it's. We all have our traumas. We all have our past, we all have things that we've done or have been done to us. And it's how we choose to heal from it and move past it. And, people do things to us and we have to forgive them in a sense, we don't have to be besties with whoever's hurting us, but you have to move past it.

Because are you going to let them control how your, the whole rest of your life goes? Or are you going to be done with that? And you're going to move forward. It's how we're attaching ourselves to the past. And you know, you want to live for right now. You don't want to live for tomorrow and you don't want to live in the past.

You want to live for today because we're not guaranteed tomorrow. Why not enjoy today and reach for the goals that you want. And if you want to live on the beach on Hawaii, what stopping you stop allowing yourself to say that's never going to happen. I'm never going to have that. Put it on your manifesting list.

I have an intention list. I have tons of things on there. I don't know how it's going to happen. I don't know why it's going to happen when, where, where the money will come from. I have it on there and I know what's going to happen. So I'm allowing the universe to bring it to me in however, it needs to come only my caveat is it has to be legal and safe, you know, like I don't, I don't have to, I don't have to know how or why.

I just don't want it to be from drug money or something weird ?

Damaged Parents: [00:47:00] Right, right. So you've got a list. Is it posted somewhere in your home? So you see it

Erin Stabile: [00:47:04] No, I have a book. And then I do have on my phone, I use A to-do list app. So it's kind of like a task app, but you can set reminders. So I have a lot of intention set for myself during the day. You're important. You're valued. Money comes to me easily. Like all of these things that I want to call into my life, I have reminders go off every day so I can read it like, Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. it helps you to affirm because you can't just say I'm, I'm a great person. You have to tell yourself all day long. For a very, you know, every single until you start feeling it in your soul, I am a good mom. I am this. I am making a difference in the world. And whatever intentions are important to you, I'm the best dog mom there ever is.

I'm going to have 45 shepherds. That's what's going to happen. Like you put it on your intention list, and don't limit it. You don't need to know how it's going to happen when, where, or why it's going to happen. Put it on there and allow it to say, okay, God, this is what I want. It doesn't matter.

You want to have a $5 million mansion in the Hills, put it on there, who cares? The more you allow yourself to be free and to dream and to call in what you want, you'll be amazed at the things that happen. You're like, Oh yeah, I put that on my list. Like three days ago, here it is, you know? And you're, it's, it's pretty amazing when, how, when you realize how much your mindset affects your entire life.

It's a game changer and that's why I'll never go back to then I always say negative Nelly or Debbie downer, because that's who I was. But it's, and it's not about being perfect if you follow people that have all these things and being perfect and manifesting and no, that's not how it is. It's messy.

It's crazy. It's you know, it's, I'm not a, I'm not a perfect person. So it's, it's always a work in progress.

Damaged Parents: [00:48:52] Yeah, I really love that. I'm not a perfect person. So three things that. That you definitely want listeners to walk away from tools, tips, just three things that you want to make sure that that were really important for you to get across to them today.

Erin Stabile: [00:49:09] so one thing. If you have anxiety, if you have panic, if you have depression living in that life is hard. Trying to find something that helps for you can be hard. The biggest part of it is it's your responsibility to find what works for you, whether it's therapy and medication, maybe it's meditation and yoga it's don't ever.

Say, because one method didn't work. Nothing's going to work for me. Medication didn't work for me, therapy didn't work for me. Meditation has worked for me, digging deep, facing my fears, doing past life work. I mean, all of those things for me have transformed my life. So if you're afraid, if you don't understand, if you feel that you've done everything you can do, keep looking and have an open mind because you might find.

You're healing and a place where you never expected it. I never, in a million years thought I would be where I am, but my life has completely changed from it. And another thing would be it's really that compassion aspect of you don't have to know somebody's story, but just always have in the back of your mind.

I don't know what's going on with them. So I just need to have a little bit of. Extra compassion for humanity. Because there might be ways that present themselves that you can help people. And I'm always cash apping people 10 or 15, $20 because they can't pay their rent. They need diapers, whatever it is.

Like that's not me seeking it. If somebody is ballsy enough to ask for help, I'm going to help them if I can help them. So whether that's a compliment, opening the door for them, whatever it is just have. An open mind on how you can help other people, because when we help, we don't expect anything in return.

That's all, that's what helping is. You're giving you don't need anything in return, you know, it's it's having that. Some people think you have to give to get like, just, just give, just give of yourself ? And the other one I would just say is if you're living in the chronic pain world, if you're living in, nobody understands nobody.

I feel so alone. It's kind of the same thing. Again, you are not alone. There is so many people in the world's suffering in a similar manner. And while we have to learn to live with our chronic pain, we don't have to like. It doesn't have to define us. You know, I, I have had two super invasive knee surgeries.

I still have chronic pain. I've had to learn to that I'm never going to ride a bike. I'm never going to be able to run. I have the body of a 90 year old person, so I can walk two miles max before I can't handle the pain anymore. And I know that's my limit. And, but that doesn't hold me back from.

Doing all my intuitive work from being a marketing manager from it doesn't stop me or define me. It's just part of me. So if you're struggling and maybe it's, autoimmune disease or chronic pain or whatever it is, like find resources to help you and never settle for if one person tells you how it is, like keep seeking until you feel. What works for you? You know, there's natural doctors, holistic doctors, there's acupuncture. There's, there's a million methods for people and there's resources. There's other people that are suffering in the same way. So find what works for you. Never let one person tell you're never going to be better.

You're never going to have this. You're never like seek it until you feel comfortable.

Damaged Parents: [00:52:36] That's awesome. Well, I really enjoyed having you on the show today. Erin, you have so much wisdom for us.

Erin Stabile: [00:52:43] Thank you. I'm excited. It was great to be on.

Damaged Parents: [00:52:46] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Erin about how she learned how to shed her anxiety and find confidence. We especially liked when she taught us how she manifests things in her life. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on ticktock. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged. See ya then.