Episode 15: Escaping Bohemia
Sophia Norley
Bio: Today we are talking to Sophia Norley who escaped her bohemian childhood and wrote Escaping Bohemia. She experienced dysfunction, neglect and abuse. She is now sharing with the world that there is hope and it does get better.
She jumped out of her comfort zone by sharing her story #escapingbohemia, which went on to hit no 2. Since this she has started to help others write their own business content, bios and blogs.
Sophia also helps others share their own story within her other passion, photography. Offering personal branding and life style shoots. Where her clients are able to go from shy and uncomfortable to amazingly confident in front of the camera.
From a child that had no belief in herself, she has developed true grit in the ability to overcome darkness and adversity, then use it to her advantage. She has used this knowledge to give talks in schools on the important topic of resilience.
Find her here:
www.linkedin.com/in/sophianorley
www.shutterhutphotography.co.uk
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08HBKJKXB
Podcast transcript below:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were wrecked, tainted, marred people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way.
I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage. So I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There's a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children.
This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Today, we're going to talk with Sophia Norley she has many roles in her life, daughter, mother, sister, writer, and more.
We'll talk about how she was the girl who watched over her parents and still feels like an imposter today. Let's talk.
Welcome to the show. Sophia, how are you today?
Sophia Norley: [00:02:04] I'm good. Thank you for having me.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:07] You're I'm glad to have you here. So when you came onto the show to talk about a struggle you've had in your life, and you sent me a snippet from your book that. I felt deeply. And, you've offered to go ahead and read that for us so that maybe the audience can have a better understanding of, that moment in your struggle.
Sophia Norley: [00:02:29] Yeah, sure. I'll be happy to. Yes. The chapter is called. I watched him bleed. I lay in bed, listening to the raised voices, circling through the rest of the flat. This fight has been going on for at least an hour and it was already one 30 in the morning. God, how I wish they would give the pub a rest then on reflection, I guess they would still drink at home.
It wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. They might fight earlier which Ben would benefit me and my schooling greatly. I heard a huge crest crash. Something obviously flow through the air and landed against the wall. Things seem to be escalating. So there was another crash this time I heard my mother scream, the banging and crashing, continuing around the front room for what seemed like an hour.
But in reality was only a couple of minutes. Then the front room door slammed. At least I will be able to get some sleep. Now I whispered to myself, but really my head was racing and my mind was within, around with the scenes that played out in my head to go with the noises that I've just heard. I then heard a blood, curdling scream, which in itself, was it strange?
But what was strange and extremely shocking was that it was my stepfather, not my mother. What have you done? You bitch? He flung at her call an ambulance. Call it your fucking self. Asshole, I'm going to bed. I heard my mom's spit back. With that. I heard my mom's bedroom door shut and rustling in the kitchen.
Then I thought I'd heard the front door shut. So with that, I got up to see what had been going on. However, as I left the safety of my room, I saw my stepfather, that huge beast of a man standing at the front door with a pair of scissors, sticking out of his chest with a dirty tea towel wrapped around them.
We stared at each other in complete shock for a brief moment, him with anger in his eyes, which actually wasn't unusual. And me with panic, I retreated back into my room and swiftly jumped back into bed. What I had just seen, whatever it was. I knew the best thing to do was to stay where I was and say nothing at all to anybody.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:53] wow. I when you, when I read that and as you read it to us, just now I felt alone. When that incident happened for you, what were your feelings? What did that physically feel like?
Sophia Norley: [00:05:11] Alone is a really good word. I spent my childhood feeling fear. Anxiety. I was always on high alert. And alone, I constantly felt I was the alone child city. Didn't matter if I was at home or at school, that feeling followed me everywhere. So yeah, I felt, fear and abandonment.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:37] And when you felt the fear, what did that, how did that physically manifest itself? Was it a, tightness and you're telling me tension.
Sophia Norley: [00:05:47] Probably tension as a child. Yeah. Was always tense. I was always, yeah. Even though I used to go off in little dreams in my imagination, I used to take me away. I was always quite sad. Even when I spent time with my grandparents who I adored and who were perfect, I was always a very sad child. It just seemed to carry, follow me around ?
Yeah. And I was always. Just wanting to hide. I wanted to hide a lot as a child and I carried that on into adulthood. In fact until very recently, yeah, I just wanted to be not seen, not heard, not get in the way I not being involved in any of those dramas. I knew that was best to stay quiet.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:33] So was this a nightly thing? Not the, of course the scissors in the chest, but was this like ever, did it seem like every night or every day, or was it like a weekly thing? I mean, how often were you experiencing this and, also with that, how old do you think you were when that happened?
Sophia Norley: [00:06:52] That I was cool. I think, I mean, a lot of my memory, for some reason, the age. Of my memories, they morph into each other, but I think I was around seven or eight. But yeah, it, it's hard to pick through memories like that because I laid, I kind of buried them for so long. So yeah, I think about seven or eight.
What was your first question again? I've forgotten them.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:23] How often was this happening for you?
Sophia Norley: [00:07:25] So violence was not an everyday thing, but definitely an every week thing. Alcohol drugs within the home, criminals, that bad vibe that was life. That was norm. I had no idea what a normal, what we perceive as normal now. Was back then it was very erratic, full of it was high tension, a lot of high tense.
Yeah, a lot of experiences like that, where there was violence, alcohol, police, rains, things, things like that. It was, yeah, it was pretty constant. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:02] So I would think it'd be really hard to feel safe. And you know, one of the things that you had read about was, you know, it would benefit you and your school greatly. So I'm thinking there was an impact on schooling. Can you tell us about that?
Sophia Norley: [00:08:18] Yeah. My mom she was an alcoholic, so everything was very erratic. She would always like lots of people around her. So we'd have lots of people around. Night early morning, she'd always have the radio playing because even if there was people, there are not people there and she didn't want to be alone.
So I didn't get a lot of sleep. It was very erratic. And when my younger sister came along, I felt very responsible for her. So I took that onboard. I loved school. Because it was an escape. , I wasn't very good at school. I couldn't spell, I couldn't read very well until sort of late teenage years.
It was just where I kept persevering. And I carried a little dictionary around with me to look up words and that helped. And in fact, I still have that. It's quite thick threadbare. Now my girls laugh, but yeah, I loved school. I would love to go to college and do something more creative. I didn't have the opportunity.
So, because in that environment, your options are pretty limited. Really?
Damaged Parents: [00:09:26] Yeah. I mean, so even with schooling, it sounds like you, your parents probably didn't help with, with homework and things like that. Like, give us an example of a day in the life of you as a child, besides, besides this one. And that was a night. So, cause.
Sophia Norley: [00:09:44] Yeah, no, no. They would never have. My mum was very, even though she was this character, she was highly intelligent. Unfortunately she made wrong choices that took her on a path that she. Unfortunately, couldn't get her self off, but she was highly intelligent and very creative. We have powers of books all around us all the time, and she was very eager for me to not be treated, how she was treated and to do something better.
However she couldn't follow through on any of that. She just had the words and the, and sometimes when she was sober like one time I can remember, we used to act out Oliver twist me and her and yeah. And things like that, but they're very far and few between. I would go to school when sometimes I'd come home and she wouldn't be there and I'd be sitting on the doorstep in the pouring rain.
And we had times where she disappeared for three days. That was quite regular. Once I became a teenager. So I would look after my little sister,
Damaged Parents: [00:10:46] And how much younger was your little sister.
Sophia Norley: [00:10:49] she was how, uh, she's nine, nine years younger than me. So
Damaged Parents: [00:10:55] really did kind of take on a parenting role then, because I think it's what, after eight years it's like having a, an only, another only child. Right? So you were.
Sophia Norley: [00:11:04] Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I definitely. Did a lot more than, uh, I should have done. Yeah, I really care for my mum would disappear. She went off to prison several times and we, we got farmed out and things like that. It was an interesting upbringing. And before I actually accepted how bad it was, I used to call it Bahamian because I wanted, I thought that I had tied it.
I thought no one would like me. If they knew my backstory, that I would never be able to achieve anything. So I used to put this little tag on it. Yeah. And when I realized. Actually I had nothing to do with my childhood. I was just there. It wasn't my, I didn't make those choices. I felt so embarrassed and so much shame as a child and as an adult, it carried on.
I just felt beneath everyone. And that started at childhood. Obviously. Yeah. I mean, my mom used to take me, shoplifting, taught me how to shoplift. That was our, our day, my stays. I would go to the shop and shoplift, because I had to,
Damaged Parents: [00:12:09] So if so mom was off doing something and then maybe you and sister needed to eat. So you would just go shoplift food and things like that.
Sophia Norley: [00:12:19] yeah, yeah, definitely.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:21] It just seems to me like that would be a super kind of desperate place to be. And what was it, I mean, did you know better or did you, and, and, but it was the only choice you could make in that moment.
Tell me about what was going on in your mind, right then.
Sophia Norley: [00:12:38] When I was younger, I obviously didn't know any different. I thought everyone's mum was like that, that was normal life, even though I used to go and stay with my Nan and granddad maybe on a Saturday night. And they were completely different proper, you know, British, old fashion and it was lovely and I adore them.
So I knew there was. Something different, but it was as I grew and I started to realize my mum has a problem with drink. My mum has a problem with drugs. These people that are in our house are no good. And I did try to help her. I tip out cold down the sink and obviously none of that made any difference.
I started to know. As I became sort of a young teenager that these things weren't right. But quite frankly, I didn't have a choice back then at some points we wouldn't have eaten. If I didn't do that and she was my mum and I was fearful, I mean, you know, not she did hit me, but I was fearful that we wouldn't live more than anything else.
It
Damaged Parents: [00:13:44] that you wouldn't live. Is that what you said? That you wouldn't live more than anything else?
Sophia Norley: [00:13:48] Yeah, I, I would die, but as we wouldn't be able to survive, we needed food. We needed this. This is just how we, we got by. But I mean, I left home as soon as I could. I left home probably the first time when I was just about 16, I had to go back briefly, but as soon as I could leave, I left, because I knew, I knew that if I didn't distance myself from that environment, I would fairly quickly go down that same path.
So, yeah, I, when I went out on my own and, and did the best that I could get a job. Got a bedsit. And that's where I started sort of my own little life, but yeah. But I still carried all that shame around and embarrassment and, yeah, still fearful when know I hadn't healed. So yeah. You carry things along dynamic.
If you haven't dealt with things. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:43] So, so I heard you say that mom went to, to prison or sometimes. And was dad not around after this incident or
Sophia Norley: [00:14:54] No, my my biological dad left, uh, I think I was about one. They split up he lived very near our spot. I didn't really, wasn't very close. He had another family and had moved on basically. And if it wasn't for my grandma, who was his mother, I probably would never have got to see him. So he wasn't really interested.
My stepfather thanked for that. Thankfully, they had broke up because they were very volatile. Obviously from that part in the story. So yeah, yeah, basically it's this, my Nan and grandad, but I don't think I actually knew a lot of what was going on. It was only later sort of, as I grew up, I think they understood a lot more.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:38] so you're you said it's a Nan and grandpa that you say in. Dan and Greg, I just want to make sure I get it right. Okay. So you've got Nat, you've got Nana and grandpa mom goes to prison. Are you getting shuffled back to Nana and grandma, Nan and grandpa during that time? Or are you having to go to foster care?
What's happening?
Sophia Norley: [00:15:58] well, my sister was farmed out between her, my stepfather and his family at different points. And one of my mom's close friends. So she kind of did a circle. I actually went to stay with my dad for a time, which was like completely awful. I didn't like it. They didn't want me there. And in fact, I couldn't wait to get.
This is so strange. I couldn't wait to get back to my mom's home because I felt so unwanted that very strange kind of environment. An another time funny enough that my mum went to prison, I ended up staying in her flat while she was there because she'd only gone for a short period and my father and his wife managed to beside What are they called?
Like the social services, people, you know, people that deal with that, that they would keep an eye on me. And because I was a light, you know, I was, I think I was coming up to 15. Yeah, it would be fine. So I stayed there and I actually wrote about that in my book course at the time I thought it was really cool.
For a brief moment. But yeah, when I look back and I think I would never leave my kids ever.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:09] so right. I mean, that's a big deal, but, okay.
So what you said you had talked about being farmed out. Your little sister was farmed out. I mean, Is that what it felt like you guys were just beans that needed a place to go. So here this will work or here that will work. Is that kind of what you mean when you use that word?
Sophia Norley: [00:17:31] Yeah. Yeah, we that's another bit I write about in my book because it's a memory that a whole really close. I remember, my mom had gone to pre gone to court and then she ended up going to prison. I had to go and pick my sister up from school and I had to tell her, well, people in the background were making arrangements for, for mainly her.
And I can remember thinking no one actually wants us. No one loves us. And I picked her up from school and we'd sat on the curb, outside the school was all the other mums and kids were running home. And that, and I can remember it's as if it was yesterday, you thinking, wow, we're really worthless. We literally are sitting in the gutter completely worthless.
So yeah, you just felt like you were. Yeah, just nothing, just, just a piece of shopping or something, or a piece of old furniture that someone doesn't want anymore.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:28] Oh, ouch. Okay, so the next thing. Gosh, I just want to give that room for a moment that was painful to, that's painful to think about. Okay. So, so dad step-mom don't want much to do with you and you were eager to go back home when you had stayed with them. And even, so I think what I'm hearing is, even though it was chaotic and.
There was a significant amount of uncertainty. You knew you were loved or was it different than love or what you see where I'm going?
Sophia Norley: [00:19:02] I wanted my mom to love me desperately. And I'm sure she did. She had her own story that after she died a lot came to light. I'm not making excuses because people can still always choose to do the right thing in my mind. But I think it was. That's what I knew that was my safety. So I would rather be somewhere where I know somewhere I didn't feel safe, but that was what I knew.
And I've come to understand. That's what happens with a lot of. We mean kids that are abused rather than, they go back to what they know, because what else do you, what house have you got? And I think when you're younger, it's even more prevalent because you haven't experienced the world and I hadn't experienced, or the people that I've come into contact, you know, as I've grown, it was a certain type of people.
That's just what I knew. That's what I thought life was like. I now obviously realize it's not. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:00] So maybe there's a little bit of safety and just knowing what to expect.
Sophia Norley: [00:20:05] Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:08] So. You're 16 and you're going out on your own. What did that look like?
Sophia Norley: [00:20:15] Okay. I was actually excited, I think because I mean, it's a long time ago now, but I was excited more than nervous. Because I was always quite a dreamer and I always yearn for something more, you know, as a kid, I'd sit and look at the stars and I'd dream about what I wanted and you know, that was what kept me going.
So yeah, I got a job that didn't, didn't really pay a lot. I wanted to go to college, but couldn't we have white, what we did when I was younger YTS, which is a bit like an apprenticeship. I don't know if you have some love, but you don't get paid alert. You walk, you work, you work of hours. That's me. It was, I liked it.
It was a good place. I worked in a fancy dress shop. It was fabulous. The people that came in there was lots of theater types. Yeah. I was starting to meet. And see different lifestyles. So that was great for me. I didn't earn a lot. At points I lived in some pretty horrible bedsits at other points. I lived in some nice flats with other girls, you know, as I started to own a bit more money had a good career in fashion, in, in stores ended up managing some, so.
Yeah, I, it was exciting and I was making my own friends. I was getting to dress how I want it without someone slate in me, my mum, as I grew would spend a lot of time slating me and putting me down. And I think. I think that was more to do, obviously how she felt about herself, but it stuck with me. I mean, for years I thought I was fat.
I thought I was ugly. I thought I was unintelligent. I thought it was crazy. It took me. A good few decades to realize that's a pile of rubbish. But yeah, that stuck with me. But yeah, I, I, it was exciting, really quite exciting. I was still nervous cause they obviously living in the same town that my mum still lived in.
My mum still liked to go shopping or shoplifting. And of course I worked in a, in a shop, so I was very fit. Yeah. But luckily the first big store that I worked in, the lady said my manager, they didn't know all the ins and outs, but they knew that this lady was my mom and they was so understanding to me, like if ever she would come in, which was very rare.
That was nice. And that probably was the first time that people didn't judge me on where I came from, but I didn't realize it back then. I've kind of only started to realize it now that they, they love me, they firm for what I gave them.
They mean, you know, I worked hard. I was good at my job. It didn't matter about the past really
Damaged Parents: [00:22:59] Yeah. And it sounds like it didn't matter that I thought she, Oh, they're here. It sounds like it to them. You, you weren't judged on. Where you had been, you were judged for who you were in that moment. And even if mom came into the shop, it, they didn't hold mom's behavior against you at all.
Sophia Norley: [00:23:21] No, they were fantastic. They can, like I said, I progressed, I started there as a part-time girl and progressed right up to became a manager within the company in another town. But yeah, I did really well and I was really proud of myself because I didn't expect that to happen. I expected to. Go down the same route of, of where am I leading the people there.
So yeah, I w I felt very, very blessed.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:46] I'm wondering if it was in those moments when you were. Shown love. I'm going to venture to call it love. I think it's, it is a form of love to see people for where they are and for how they're doing. Do you think, do you also think, cause I'm thinking in my mind that, that that was kind of the beginning of the next phase of your journey to find value in yourself.
I mean, did it take another person? Believing in you first in order for you to start believing in you
Sophia Norley: [00:24:18] I mean. My Nan and granddad always believed in me and my Nan was always not pushing, that's not the right word, but. Oh, you're wonderful. You know, she adored me. I was, I want to know only, so it probably started with them. And then, and then this job, it was lovely to people to give me a chance to actually do this job.
So I did start to believe in myself and more confidence. I don't see it as being I wasn't confident on the inside. I still felt the same on the inside, but I was able to mix more and do more and challenge myself more and do things that I'd never thought that I would ever do. I mean, it's been a long progress for me, cause I obviously carried a lot of that from childhood.
Would me made some bad decisions along the way. And I think. Can you attract similar people if you haven't dealt with it? And it was only as I wrote my book that I started to post sets that and the situation I was in at the time with my ex and realize. I'm still carrying a little bit of that little girl.
I'm still allowing certain things to go on. So it's been a long, long process, but that definitely was the start and a really good start for me because it just made me feel like I could do more.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:38] so it sounds like it was the first time outside of Nan and grandad that you were able to feel like maybe humans aren't so bad. Yeah.
Sophia Norley: [00:25:46] Yes definitely. And that people live a different way and think a different way and act a different way. So that gave me options that meant, Oh, okay. I could do that. Or I could be that it, it made me look at myself. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:02] Which is fascinating, right? When. When you can take that and look inside and, and go, Oh, there's other possibilities. What about, like, it sounds like what you were describing earlier was maybe a bit like imposter syndrome. Like you were in this job and for on the inside, you felt like, like you had no idea what you're doing, but on the outside, what was manifesting in your life was very different.
What did that feel like to you? What was that
Sophia Norley: [00:26:28] Well, I, I think I've been really close friends with imposter syndrome until. Very recently. I think he or she has lived within me for absolutely ages because of that, because I knew where I came from. But I knew that I didn't want to stay there. I wanted to go a different path.
So to do that, you have to take these little steps and jump out your comfort zone. But inside I was like, I felt don't anyone ever discover my story? Don't anyone, even to the point where I'd be picking my children up at school and. You know, I wouldn't want anyone to know where I'd come from and I wasn't ever one to put on airs and graces and things like that because I can't, but it was always there in the back of my mind.
And the funny thing is that for a long time, people have been, had been saying, you need to share your story. And it was only when I was going through some therapy that. I was talking to the slogan. We really got down to it and I thought, yeah, I do. And it was only through sharing my story that I suddenly got rid of that thinking.
Well, Now, no one's going to find, find out about, Oh, you know, I shared it. I I've given it out to the world. So that released a very big weight off my shoulder. You know, I, I didn't feel like I was pretending anymore though. I wasn't pretending it was just like, I let that backpack go. I think
Damaged Parents: [00:27:55] Right. Like the mask came off kind of like you were still the person and this was just the mask and you were able to hang the mask up, kind of, uh, hang the mask up. And turn around and look in the mirror and say, this I've always been this person. I just happened to have this mask on. Is that maybe a good description?
Sophia Norley: [00:28:15] Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I didn't feel ashamed about that anymore. Once I shared, I didn't feel ashamed. I just felt in fact perfect, proud. I was like, yeah, I am that girl. I am that girl that watched my stepfather. They'd watch my mom go to prison. I am that girl that sat in the bed crying alone.
Yes, I am that girl, but I'm a whole lot more as well. And I should be proud that. I've come from that place to where I am now. And that kind of was the first time that I don't know why that entered my brain. It was, it was, it was quite enlightening. It really, really was. Yeah, it was, it was a moment. It really was a moment.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:58] it sounds like you, so now, right now, it sounds like the way you view yourself is yes, I, this, this, all of this happened to me and. I am also this person. It's not, it doesn't sound like it's either. Or it's it's like almost like two halves came together.
Sophia Norley: [00:29:17] Mm. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I've, I've accepted that. I am that girl from then. I am the, the party girl of my twenties. I am the mom of the DevOpsy I am, but I'm me. I'm Sophia. All of those things and that's wonderful. I've I, I suppose I've embraced it. That must be, you know, I've embraced and I'm happy about that.
I wouldn't have it any other way. I really wouldn't.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:45] So tell me how you got from 16 years old and in this manager position to, to where you are now, because it seems like you've got this confidence inside of you and, and you can totally own who you are. I'm thinking there's a really neat journey in between having that job and who you are right now. And it sounded like there was a lot of fun in your twenties.
Sophia Norley: [00:30:10] Yeah, there was quite a bit. Well, it's nice.
I think I am definitely more confident than I used to be in. And that's been a process over the last few years. I had full hysterectomy back in 2017 and that was a real big turning point for me. I'm I really looked at myself and the relationship that I was in how I was being treated, I went through therapy.
And so, so the last four years, three and a half years has been a real transformation for me. And I am so much more confident than I was, but I think the big thing is I am. Just so happy. I'm happy with myself. I don't know if that's the right word, but comfortable. I'm comfortable with myself now. I mean, I had my fair share of bad choices of men along the way should leave both of my husbands. I understand why now? Both had wonderful qualities but both had qualities, really not so lovely that weren't compatible to me. You know, and I, I have my bad choices along the way, but. No, none of the choices I made were predetermined. I think I did roll with a lot of things, you know, my jobs and first marriage, my children, I think having children really was my saving grace because I was always detained.
I was always, well, first off, when I first fell pregnant with my first child, I cried for two weeks thinking, I don't know how to be a mother. I've never been taught. Surely I'm going to accidentally kill this baby. I was distraught, absolutely distraught. And then I just thought, and I have no one helped me.
So I was worried, but when she came off, you know, you, you ease into it, don't you. And I realized. Wow. I love being a mom and I'm going to make sure that these children have the completely different life to what I have. I think they, my mom. Point. And I don't know if this is the right way. I should have been thinking.
I thought I would just do the opposite, absolute opposite to everything my mother did and surely I'll get it wrong. I'll get it right. That probably isn't the right way to look. But for, for a woman that has no one around to help her and. You know, my kids, uh, I know we all say it, but they've turned out pretty well.
You know, I've got a 22 year old and a 13 year old. They're both great kids. So thank you. I've done something right there, but. Yeah, it was a journey, but I just rolled with it. I think it's been the last three and a half, four years where I've really thought I need to deal with some stuff. I need to deal with some of those feelings from way back when I was a child, which I thought I had dealt with, but I hadn't, I just hidden them.
I just kind of hit them away.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:09] it's the worst because you think you
did it, you think, you think you did it and yet you didn't, or maybe you kind of did.
Sophia Norley: [00:33:17] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:18] just
Sophia Norley: [00:33:18] think what I did was, yeah, I think what I did was I just put a little plaster on it so that I could move out of that environment and, and go through my life in a fairly decent way. But then. Hindsight's a wonderful thing. Isn't it? When I look back and I think, Oh yeah, that's why I made that choice because I still felt like that little scared girl.
And I was CA and I said to someone before it felt like I was carrying a rucksack and it was just filled with all this guilt and shame and dirt and all that. And it wasn't until. I dealt with it in my mind. And in fact, when I, when I sat in with the therapist and said for the very first time at the age of must have been 47, I think I said, wow, my childhood was really crap. I think I use a different word, but and she looked at me and she said, I'm so glad you've said that. Because I kept saying, Oh, it was really Bohemian the air. It was just too, you know, all this, I was glossing over and I just, it was there and I thought, wow, I need to get to the bottom of this. So yeah, that, that's what I did and I, and that's how I come.
Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:34] right. And it sounds like. You did the best with the tools you had. I mean, if the best you could do was put plaster on the wall, if you will, right. Then, then you, at least you got the plaster on the wall until you were in a position where you could deal with it, which you're saying, what I'm hearing you say is three to four years ago can, so what happened three to four years ago?
They all of a sudden you're able to, to S to, to really kind of dive back in and, and understand maybe. Was it to get a better understanding or is it to, I know there's a transition that happens and I'm, I'm looking for the words right now. But if you know what I'm saying, just go ahead and answer that.
Sophia Norley: [00:35:12] And had this sister get the words up hysterectomy. I had all these feelings, which I believe a lot of women have which is I'm not going to be a woman again, it's a big thing to have all of that taken away and My marriage. Wasn't very good. I was in canceling. It was, I was putting a plaster on that as well.
Everything came together at the same time. I think it, it definitely was meant to be that time. My counselor and I was really in tuned and she really got me and she was brutally honest. And like I said, I've been told to write things down previously, but just thought no. I was like, Oh no, I'm not.
I, I connected with the North, so who asked me to write a chapter in her book? And I was like, Oh, and then something, I was out walking and like, Something just told me to do it. And for a child that couldn't spell or read, it was a big thing, but I thought, okay, let's do it. Let's let's do that. First one.
What's what's the worst. And that kind of led to me writing one memory down. Might another memory come up and I was like, Whoa. And I wrote that down and then another one in it, it just kept flowing. It just kind of not took hold of me. That's not the right words, but
Damaged Parents: [00:36:31] Like it came out, it just flooded out kind of
Sophia Norley: [00:36:35] yeah, I know I had to keep going cause it wasn't going to stop. And it, and like I said, previous, it was really therapeutic, but really scary as well, but it did make me face things bad things and good things. And at the end of it, I mean, I had this, in fact I did it. Oh my, I wrote it on my little work.
Little while I funny enough and I had it all there and I was like, Oh, what do I do now, then with it? And I was like, well, do it, do something with it now, but I was persuaded to send it off and get it all edited and you know, properly done. And then I thought, Oh, okay. You know, just those road quite naturally.
But once I. Got it down. I didn't want to look at it again. I was done. Yeah, I could, I couldn't go back and reread it and I haven't. I have, I have the book here, but I haven't once
Damaged Parents: [00:37:27] like read the whole, you haven't read the whole thing. So cause you read for us the little piece earlier, but it's so when, when you're writing this memoir, what. So you start, okay, let me backtrack here. You started with the one chapter or the one bit, and then that triggered the next one, which triggered the next one.
Now, when I'm thinking it was really hard to write about. So was it as you, what were some of the emotions like when you're writing that first one? Do you remember what those feelings were like?
Sophia Norley: [00:38:00] Yeah. And in fact, the first one I wrote was about when I picked my sister up from school, because that's the one that brought a lot of emotion to me because I was really, really, really close to my sister. I felt really protective. It brought up a lot of sadness. No anger to be. Which is strange. I don't feel any anger towards my mom or my dad or, or anyone really.
They had the crosses to bear, which they didn't bear very well. I think they've paid their price, but it brought a, I felt sad for the little girl really. Uh, I felt really. Yeah. Just like, I mean, some of the, some of the stories I kind of can laugh at now, obviously not that one I read. But there are some in the book that are quite funny and I haven't wrote about everything, but yeah, I, I felt sad and I did feel that loneliness again, but I think towards the end, I felt, wow, you weren't, you were pretty strong as a little girl.
So I felt, I felt quite proud of her. I felt like, yeah, she was elliptical to sit in there and I could see her and everything. Oh yeah. I felt a lot of the times I felt back there, I could see my bedroom. I could see the flat where we lived, some of the people I started to see really clearly again. So it was a pretty amazing experience.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:18] It seems to me like you were in, is that what you're describing? Like you were able to give your, that child self of yours, a big hug and say, wow, you were courageous and you were brave. And look at what you made it through.
Sophia Norley: [00:39:33] Yeah. I, and I think none of us really like to Pick ourselves up. Do we? We just don't it's not, it's not natural for us, but it did make me look at myself in a different light where people had said things like that before you should be proud of yourself. You're you're a strong person. I would think to myself, you really don't know me, but it did make me look.
Yeah. And you know, people would say you're really confident. Well, I would, I was thinking, well, I'm not being confident. I just don't want there to be silence. I know I was always very nervous about other people's feelings. So going through all that made me see her, that little girl, how these other people had been seen her, maybe so may.
So yeah. Took on a whole new experience. It, it made me appreciate myself more.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:26] I'm trying, I'm wondering what that feeling felt like. When was there a sudden realization that I appreciate that you appreciated yourself more? Or was it something slow that just happened over time as you wrote the book?
Sophia Norley: [00:40:40] Okay. Yeah, Def definitely slow, very slow progress. Yeah, it's still kind of maturing. I'm still, yeah. I'm not quite where I want to be, but I'm a lot, I mean, I've spent years hiding really, from everything can everyone and situations. And so now it's still a very slow progress, but I know I'm so much further on than I was.
Yeah, it wasn't an automatic thing.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:11] Yeah, it seems like your, from what you're describing, you're more confident than you would have been three or four years ago. Had I met you then? And that you're more accepting of the journey
and rec yeah.
Sophia Norley: [00:41:27] Yeah, I definitely, I mean, three years ago, I year ago, I probably never would have done this for four without, without a doubt I wouldn't have done because I would have worried about what will people think or this or that, or, you know, I think children from environments where I grew up in the kind of environment I grew up in a very.
Take on board, everything everyone else thinks says does. And I didn't really shed that. And now I'm kind of like, if people like me, they like me. If they don't like me, they don't like me. That's fine. That's perfectly fine. I'm a lot happier in my own skin. So yeah, a year ago we wouldn't be talking.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:12] so right. So you let's see, how do I want to so slow transition. All of a sudden you notice, like you didn't notice a year in or two years in, and, but now looking back, you can see that the changes that you've made and. And you recognize, and, and I think I just heard you say also that there's still more to come
Sophia Norley: [00:42:33] Yeah. I think we all evolve. I think that's natural. You know, we all evolve over time. I think mine's been. Very slow for quite a few years. Well, maybe quick, you know, when I was a late teenager and then slow, but these last few years, a lot, quicker, but I definitely know I'm, I don't really like the phrase in becoming myself, but I I'm just kind of.
Allowing myself to be and allowing people to know me and see me in. And know, my story. I'm happy to share it with people now, which has made a huge difference even with my children, because my 22 year old didn't really know. She knew I had to different upbringing, but she didn't know all the ins and outs.
So it's, I feel quite liberated that even my children know, Oh, mommy had a completely different life to, we do.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:26] and what I'm betting. That would be really interesting to, to share that with my kids. I also have teenagers, but if I had written my story and shared it with them, what was that like for you when you shared it with them? And they, I mean, this is a. Well, you read at the beginning. I mean, that's so intense and heart wrenching. Do you think that they have a better insight of, of who you are and your wounds and maybe a deeper understanding of who their mom is?
Sophia Norley: [00:43:57] Yeah, definitely. My youngest hasn't read it. Cause she's only 13 and she has asked her, and at first I was a bit not sure. And then I said, okay, you know, she's quite mature. You can do if you want. I don't think she had yet. She might've started to my, eldest has read it. I was nervous about that, but she definitely understands me a lot more now.
And that story and she appreciates a lot more. I was always the mother from how she was growing up because I never let her do anything. Never let this never. And she said to me, mom, I know why you were strict. I knew you were doing the best for me. Yeah, so we have a completely different relationship now, which is absolutely lovely and yeah, she read it all.
And, , I think she was a little bit shocked.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:44] So sharing that vulnerable part of you and the part maybe you judged the most with your daughter, changed your relationship with her. And. So maybe now was she, she's not as, I mean, I think all teenagers become bitter teenagers at some point, but the tone it gives the 22 year old you're laughing.
Sophia Norley: [00:45:05] And I was I think because I never got away with anything. I I'm quite a hard mother because to be fair, I look at. I have nothing to judge motherhood on. So I was, you know, I would think my mom would take a belt to me if I said some of the things that she had said that she was growing up and I had to keep reminding myself that.
That wasn't normal, that wasn't a normal life that teenagers do that. I read loads that she was becoming a teenager, trying to get as much advice, but my life was so different, I would never would have got away with any of that. But her behavior was normal teenage behavior. Yeah, so I had to keep, that was a learning curve for me.
Definitely trying not to expect so much from them because that was expected of me and not being too soft because I don't want to be like my mom and I want to make sure I'm a good mom. Yeah. So, yeah, that was definitely tough for points.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:04] Yeah, for sure. So what was your first conversation with her? Like when she finished the book
Sophia Norley: [00:46:10] Just what did you think? You know, and she didn't put a lot into words. It was more how she acted afterwards. She'd become a lot more
she's always been quite affectionate, but re really affectionate and really close and Yeah, it's more supportive, really, and understanding a lot more understanding.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:34] So so much has come just from sitting down and starting to write, because that's all you did with it. And then it just kept coming. What would you say to someone else getting ready to write a memoir or thinking of writing a memoir in about how it helped you process through the pain and suffering and joy of your past?
Sophia Norley: [00:46:56] I think you have to be prepared to really let go and At first, I was very much, I can't spell, I can't do this. I can't do that. Lymphatic turns out I actually am really good. All those things I thought I was really bad at, but I think once I let go, I know I was really led by my heart rather than my head thinking, Oh, what do I need to write?
How would someone else write what the right way to write? And just write what I wanted as if I was talking once I completely let go. And I, I do that now. It just flows. It just really, really flows. And if you have a couple of mistakes, not the end of the world, the world's not gonna collapse.
Is it? If there's a, the, where there should be something else, just, just really let go. And. Be prepared. I think for those days where it does hit you. Cause some days I really, yeah, I crashed after writing was very tired
Damaged Parents: [00:48:04] like emotionally crashed.
Sophia Norley: [00:48:06] yeah, yeah. Really. Yeah, it really got to me and I cried over some things that I had never shed a tear for before.
And they obviously needed to come out. So that was good, but it does, it, it was quite shocking for me thinking, Whoa. But you've just, I think you've just got to let go and, and go with it and not ever worry about anybody else or anyone else thinks, says, or does is none of your business get on with what you want to do and just do it.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:35] it sounds like in some ways you're, you might be saying a little bit, be curious about your past, write about it and understand it.
Sophia Norley: [00:48:44] Yeah, definitely. I mean, I thought I'd put all that to bed. I thought it do go on. It was the past. I'm very much like that. Everything, get up, move along, forget about all that. But yeah, just, I think everyone's got a story to tell that can help someone else. And I mean, I didn't start writing it for that.
It's happened. That that has happened. I've gone into schools and spoken to kids about resilience. Kids are living similar lives to that. And that is so humbling. So I don't, I think if you've got something to say, say it because you really don't know who it's gonna help. Even if it's just yourself.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:23] I liked that at the end, even if it's just yourself, because it's, it's healed you in, in a lot of ways, it sounds like, okay. So three words or not three words, three things that you would like the audience to know that might be tools in their tool chest so that they can have hope for their future.
Sophia Norley: [00:49:42] So first, and I think I've always been like this, but only realized recently you can fall, but you can't stay down there and only you can pick yourself up. You can fall in state. If you're feeling down, depressed, stay down for a week, lay down for a month. The get yourself back up. And I think I've always been like that.
I think I'm quite a stubborn person, so yeah, I've always done that and something I've learned and, and trying very hard to take on board now is. Previously, I always was a perfectionist. Everything had to be perfect because the net, then no one can pick holes in you. No one can, you know, say anything, but in fact, now do some things that are imperfect and do them on purpose because it actually is quite liberated.
Uh, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. People. We love you anyway, they really will. And, probably, do that thing that really scares you. If it really scares you, then you should be doing it because I've always been. Well, no, I couldn't possibly do that. Oh no, I couldn't go on a podcast. I couldn't do that. But now I think if I say that to myself, no, I can do it. I know I'm meant to be doing it.
Cause that's the little devil say, you know, trying to keep me, so, so do those things that you're scared of.
Damaged Parents: [00:51:15] thank you Sophia so much for coming on to Relatively Damaged and talking about the damage in your life and how you've overcome that and how you're still looking forward to continuing to overcome it. That, I mean, I really get this clear understanding that yes, it's a process and yes, it keeps going.
Sophia Norley: [00:51:36] Yeah, definitely. No, thank you for having me. I've loved it. It's really, really been enjoyable. Thank you.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoy talking to Sophia about how she escaped an abusive home. We especially liked when she explained how writing about her traumatic journey helped her to heal. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then
