Episode 14: I Lost Everyone or so I Thought
Bio: My name is Tony lynch 46yrs old. I’ve been a father, brother, son and friend. I’ve lost almost everyone and even attempted suicide myself. At my lowest I was homeless and addicted to alcohol. It took time and I found strength and purpose. I’m here to say as a man you are not alone. Help out there.
You may find him:
Facebook: @griefsupportformen
IG: @memor.ies4us
Podcast transcript below:
Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were destitute, homeless, longing people come to learn. Maybe. Just maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person, the one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice.
The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Today, we're going to talk with Tony Lynch. He has many roles in his life, son, brother, father, survivor, and more. We'll talk about how once he put his sister on the roof, because he was mad, felt alone, participated in gangs, went to jail, was homeless, became an alcoholic, found a way to stop drinking, and became the father for his son in a way he desperately needed for himself. Let's talk.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:13] Welcome to Relatively Damaged. Tony. We're glad to have you here today.
Tony: [00:02:17] Thank you for having me here.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:18] Yeah. So we were just talking a little bit about struggles with hands , and pain.
Tony: [00:02:24] And then, you know, listening to your story and skin, you know, what they have for you and everything. I was like, wow. You know, I can relate to the pain that you've been in and everything. Cause I too had to have surgery on, on my nerves. , and fortunately for me there was, you know, there was actually a medical procedure.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:43] that could help you. Right. Whereas with me there's, there's just isn't.
Tony: [00:02:47] Yeah. Yeah, that kind of, that really still just baffles me when w well, not really and it comes, you know, like you said I have to had mine, my dreams crushed when it came down to the medical industry as well. And, uh, but in some areas, , they do Excel. They do Excel, but in some, they, I think they still need some work on.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:09] Yeah, definitely. So now when. You your response to me, which I love it when I don't get a solid answer. I had one person to answer when I, what's been your biggest struggle and she literally answered being a human. And that made me laugh because how much truth is in that and your answers kind of similar loss, you know, that's so broad.
What in your life was your biggest struggle?
Tony: [00:03:36] Oh, well, I tell people I've been grieving for 30 years. And I just now realized that. And what I mean by that is that I've suffered, I've endured almost every loss there could ever be. I've lost all three of my, well, just buried my last grandmother. So all of my grandmothers, , which I've had the honor and a privilege to have known throughout my life.
And they were a big, huge influence on me. As well, you know, taught me how to cook, taught me the fundamentals about being a man. and they pretty much let me explore me being me, but they understood that I was, I was a different kid. I've I've always been alone. You know, even though I have a sister, I have good friends, but I've always felt alone in the world, so to speak, never understood why.
I've lost both parents. I've lost a younger brother and I've lost a son.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:24] So what was your first loss and how old were you when that happened?
Tony: [00:04:29] My first loss, , officially was my grandmother and she was in, I was in my twenties when I lost her. Uh, Steve passed away through diabetes and it just, you know, it eventually did take her and then it went in reverse from there. So I lost. But we lost the youngest grandmother up till your oldest grandmother.
And I remember it is my great, great grandmother. She was 101, when she passed away,
Damaged Parents: [00:04:54] Oh, wow.
Tony: [00:04:55] I was still in my twenties, uh, at that time. So I lost them back to back every year we lost one. And, so then after that it was, they were in Virginia. I was in Colorado. I flew back to Colorado and just kind of stayed to myself a little bit, throughout that time.
Uh, let's see. I went to prison at the age of 24 and I seen a couple of good friends of mine get killed in prison. And I, , during the time I was getting in prison, I lost, well, let's see four friends and ,another good friend outside of prison had passed away. And when I got out of prison, I lost my, my grandfather.
Shortly after that, my aunt suffered an overdose and passed away a heroin overdose, and I lost the uncle. He fell off a ferry in Louisiana and they found him further down in another state actually, some years later, he finally popped out of
Damaged Parents: [00:05:45] So was the, the first loss was, what was that like? Emotionally, what was that? What was that feeling like? And then maybe go through did, if that changed or didn't change throughout, as you continued to experience these losses? Because it sounds to me like it was almost like one after another consistently for a long period of time.
Tony: [00:06:08] It was, it was very consistent after that. , far as the emotional aspect inside, I was, I was tore up. But as we know, when it comes down to loss and men we're taught to be, we're taught to suck it up. You know, we taught to not show those emotions and things like that. So it affected me. I became angry.
I became very angry. And it benefited me at the time because of the lifestyle that I was living. I was, I was in a games. And it was real easy for me to not express those emotions or do it in a way to where people thought it looked cool because when you're angry, you're looking for fights all the time.
So that's what I did. I fought all the time, you know, w we have what we call it rivals or what most people may say, enemies and things like that. So that's the way that's I adapted that those emotions towards that I didn't have to break down on, had to do was fight.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:02] okay. So you're sad and you're angry and you're hurting inside. Can you even put words? I know it's hard. Can you put words to what that physically felt like inside of you empty? Broken
Tony: [00:07:16] is it's well, I try to stay away from the floor broken because what I found out with the work that I do now, and that if you tell people that they're broken, they will always react as if they're broken. I was told I was hurt. Once I realized I was hurt, I started seeking ways of healing.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:33] Okay.
Tony: [00:07:34] But that came somewhere down a lot, you know, further down the line in my life.
But at the time I was empty, you know, I was looking for something. I was looking, I was looking for my grandmother, , excuse my best. See was that influence on me? You know, she was my protector, she was my friend. You know, she made sure that when I was a kid that we always ate, you know, she was grandmother, you know, baby mama, you know? so she taught me, she taught me how to cook she Taught me some fundamentals of life, at an early age and things that stuck with me. She taught me about family history and things like that. And when she was gone, you know, like they say, the, the woman outer glue to your family, I've watched my family fall apart. You know, I think grandmother like my uncles and stuff, everybody just went their own way.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:18] So after the first grandma died, everyone's scattered.
Tony: [00:08:21] went and did the own thing. And then when big mama passed away, it just continually got worse. And then when, you know, when my great, great grandmother passed away, that's when the family was just, we, we fell apart. It fell apart. And my mother was the oldest, so she. So he used to look out for the siblings. So my mother took her on that road. She was like, you know, I'm making sure that everybody's taken care of
Damaged Parents: [00:08:47] Her siblings or are you kids?
Tony: [00:08:50] her siblings. Cause my mother is, is the oldest out of, out of 15.
Damaged Parents: [00:08:55] Whoa, that's awesome.
Tony: [00:08:57] Well, it is out of 15. So imagine the stories that I used to hear from our uncles and aunties, you know, about my mother, you know, my mother was 21 when she had me. So there's stories there, you know, so to watch family fall from there, then watch my mother try to hold everything together while she's trying to raise, trying to raise me, and. It was just crazy. It was, it was so crazy. Because my mother, they used to always call my mother what'd you doin'. And she goes, you know what? She pointed the finger, you know what, I'll do this to you. And, and, uh, so there was a certain level of respect, the stories were always don't let your mother hit you.
She's too. Heavy-handed I learned the hard way on that one.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:36] Oh, okay. Now we now have got to hear the story. Tell, tell me
Tony: [00:09:40] So, you know, I'm the oldest out of, out of me and my sister and, uh, you know, my sister is the, is the second oldest. He's two years younger than me. So I'm the Guinea pig, you know, I'm the one that I felt that she experimented on. I'm a beat you up and hopefully you live.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:54] Your little sister is going to beat you up
Tony: [00:09:56] No, my mother.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:58] Oh, your mom. Okay. So you're
Tony: [00:09:59] Okay. So, so he was older than my sister. And this is one incident where it's just, it's just funny when you actually think about it. So my sister used to always get me in trouble. Two years. She's always into everything. All of my stuff I was like, you know why can't be put you back in, go away type thing.
And, uh, so she's always into stuff getting, I get blamed for it. So there was one instance where my sister got me a trouble. She got into my art supplies when we were kids. I was thinking I was about six. She was about four. And, uh, so that was the one thing. Don't get it to my art supplies. That's my passion.
That's my love. And she got it to him. She broke my crayons and took the markers and marked over everything. There was just, I mean, it was a mess. So automatically my mother gets home and she sees this and I get beat for it. So I was going, I was like, okay, I'm going to get her. So what I done my mother had left As he was at the neighbor's house.
And so I took my sister and where we lived at, we had a little small roof on, on, you know, outside of our window. So I took her and put it outside the window. I closed the window
Damaged Parents: [00:11:03] and how old is she?
Tony: [00:11:05] she was about four.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:06] Oh my gosh, Tony.
Tony: [00:11:08] I was like, this is revenge at its finest on, but put on the roof, and she goes over, she's just gonna fall down and hit the ground.
You know, it's a done deal. Right.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:17] And how old, wait, hold on. How old were you?
Tony: [00:11:19] I was six.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:20] Okay. Okay. So it's valid in your mind. She's got to pay, she got you in trouble. You had some pain. She's got to pay the price.
Tony: [00:11:30] My sister's going to listen to this and she's going to go, I know you tried to kill me. Yeah. didn't try to kill you. I just wanted you out of my hair. You know, stop getting my stuff and get me beat. I realized at an early age that this was going to be a long-term thing of me getting beat because of her. So I was like, you know, put outside the roof, you know, she goes over the edge.
It's okay. Well, she looked across the edge. So you crawled to the edge of the little roof it's looked across and she sat back down. And my mother saw her when she looked across the edge and immediately runs upstairs and she opens up the windows and grabbed my sister and, and man, that was my mother.
Yeah. It hurt for a couple of days. Let's just put it that way. And uh,
Damaged Parents: [00:12:13] you angry at mom?
Tony: [00:12:15] no, no, I was afraid of her.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:17] Okay.
Tony: [00:12:18] I was afraid of my, my mom was sick four. Okay. She was six, four. And see, my mother was a tough, she was a tough cookie. She really was. And, but she had to where we grew up at, we, we grew up tough. We grew up, , fighting and, there was a certain amount of respect that children have for their elders.
And so. My mother instilled fear in me at an early age, when it came down to this, he goes, you know, if you do not, if you, if you can't do something, ask me, but if you do this, you must be, you have to have, there has to be some sort of consequences for your actions. So, if you did something good, you know what the consequences were a lot of times.
Good. But if you did some bad, they believed them, but then that's what he did, and, but we grew up in an area where community was the number one thing. So it wasn't like I couldn't, I can get myself in trouble and I can be somewhere. And before I got home, my mother already knew or the rest of the family already know.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:16] I heard you say community was the number one thing. Was there a certain about of safety in knowing that you had that I'm going to say village around you
Tony: [00:13:26] And those are, that would be a correct word is the village because it takes a village to raise a kid. So I grew up in Newport news, Virginia, and those who don't know, you know, Newport news is not the most richest of areas. It's pretty much considered a ghetto. to projects or whatever. Right. So, but.
What people don't understand is that when you're in these, when, when you, in areas like that, it's not as bad as what you think it is. Like I, I grew up in, I was born in the seventies, so people back then actually cared. We can, we can leave. Our doors are like, sounds kind of strange when you talk about the projects and everything, but you can leave your door unlocked or if you needed to go to a neighbor and, you know, and he was having a rough time at a month, you can get food from them. and so we grew up with food stamps. So we grew up, you know, very, very poor, Christmas, but we made it work. It was a beautiful thing. We didn't have to have a whole lot because we was rich and the people that was around us growing up. We didn't hear about, you know, kids being snatched up or, you know, put into human sex trafficking.
You barely hear it about child molestation and things like that. It was like, if you heard about it, that was the first and last time you heard about it, the community came together. Boom. No, this is not going to happen deep. They looked over us.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:40] like you were protected.
Tony: [00:14:41] Yeah, we was protected. You know, the community looked over us, our families and stuff looked over our everyone.
So, you know what I mean? It, wasn't unusual to go down the street and know, everybody in your neighborhood, a basketball together, we play football together. I mean, the kids, we rode bikes and roads and skateboards and stuff like that. You know, we were typical kids growing up in a way that if you look back on it, What seem
Damaged Parents: [00:15:08] Yeah. So I'm just wondering. Yeah. I'm just wondering, because you also said earlier you felt alone. So did that loneliness start when grandma died or do you think you had some of it, like, it was just part of who you are as you grew up.
Tony: [00:15:22] It's always been a part of me. Most of my family would tell you coming up. I was always stayed alone. I enjoy, I, I didn't, I didn't understand kids my age and the way that they thought. So, you know, I used to watch what they do and I stayed into books. I stayed into drawing, that was my passion.
I've been doing this since I was four years old. And , I didn't, I wasn't a kid. I wasn't an athletic kid, you know? Really, I could play basketball, but hated it. I could play football, but hated it. You know, it was something about, I didn't, I didn't want to do it. I was more of, let me stay in my room and draw, but I've always been that way.
Couldn't tell you why. Just always have been. So for me, you know, growing up in the neighborhood, I grew up in, after a certain age, I just started staying away from people. Yeah. I had a cousin that lived across town. I spent more time over there throughout my, throughout my youth than I did anything else.
And it just was like that my whole entire life,
Damaged Parents: [00:16:22] So do you think that cousin just understood your need for maybe some silence and things like that? Or was it just, you had a connection that maybe you can't put into words.
Tony: [00:16:32] no people just really left me alone.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:34] Okay.
Tony: [00:16:35] They just really left me alone to, just. Nobody really bothered with me too much, you know? When I seen people, yes, it was all love and everything like that, but it wasn't like my uncles were coming to pick me up to go hang out with them or something like that.
Like they were doing my other cousins, you know? My sister had her own set of friends and the guys, my age at that time I just wasn't into the same things. I really wasn't.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:58] Okay. So it's not that they weren't coming into your life it's you weren't even interested. So it didn't. So it's okay in, from what I hear you saying, it sounds like you're saying it's okay. That they didn't want to spend that time with me. Cause I didn't really want it. I wanted to be in my world with my art and drawing and things like that.
Tony: [00:17:19] Yeah. And that's like, it all stems from a disorder that I have, which I really didn't find out until I was older. So I have a sensory processing input disorder. So for a long time, the world was just, very, very loud. Like it was just, it was loud, like the things that are seen, the things that I've observed, certain things made more sense to me than what it really actually should have, you know?
Damaged Parents: [00:17:43] For example.
Tony: [00:17:44] Let's just say, uh, well, when I was, when I was six years old I guess this is where I get to say where my, I actually started, experiencing grief, my neighbor across from where we used to live at. She had lost her twin sons in a fire. And I knew her. I knew her sons. It was, uh, it was a summer.
And I remember where we lived at. I could look over right across in a scene, you know, we were, we were all out, you know, out and about and things like that. And I remember the mother coming outside and she was talking with some of the other neighbors and just all of a sudden there was a flame that flew out of her window.
So in slow motion, it just looks crazy. You see the glass come out and the flames are coming out and she turns around to run to the door. She goes to open, you know, push the door open and they had a door pushed her back and you can just hear, hear kids screaming. I guess for most people it was shocking, but for me it was like, okay, you know, these things happen.
Like I had an understanding about it. And so I don't ask me why it just made sense. And if it's came up to a phrase to where I now tell people is that is funny how you live the path of your purpose until you actually realize what your purpose is. So that's how I got into what I'm doing now today.
But ever since then, I've experienced loss. and I just kinda dealt with it was, you know, cause you look at the men in your neighborhood, you look at the people and things like that. And you know, when you don't really have an example about how to express how you feel, because you grew up in a household where you're supposed to be tough, right.
I'm the, I'm the oldest, I'm the man of the house, you know? And my father was around and I watch my uncles watched my father and when it came down to loss, it was like, got to suck it up. You have to be a man.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:27] So they didn't express emotion. They didn't say, how are you doing? The assumption is the loss happened. Get over it, be done, move
Tony: [00:19:38] move on
Damaged Parents: [00:19:38] how
Tony: [00:19:39] you got to suck it up
Damaged Parents: [00:19:40] that would be really hard. Yeah, because you're six, right? When you're first, then when the twins pass away from the house fire where you six or you were
Tony: [00:19:48] six. And then there's when I was in middle school, there was a friend of mine who had cancer. And so first time you ever heard about a child having cancer, at least in my, in my, in our world. Right. We didn't hear about things like that, you know? But he was a friend of mine.
We went to school together. He had cancer in his leg. They ended up. Taken amputate his leg. Now I remember walking with him down the hallways and stuff like that, you know, and laughing. He was always in good spirits. And about a month later, he end up passing away cause the cancer spread throughout his body.
And so
Damaged Parents: [00:20:19] was it a good friend then, or just kid at school
Tony: [00:20:23] we, we grew up together, we was growing up together. I wouldn't say he was my best friend. I would say that, I love hanging out with him because of his personality , we have similar interests like drawing and, you know, we was into the He-Man figures and things like that in certain cartoons.
So, you know, he was somebody that I could relate to on a different level. And he was just a good all around kid. You know, he didn't get in no trouble. I mean, he was just fun to be around. And he made me feel as if. I can understand him. And he understood me because we pretty much did the same thing as we stayed to ourselves.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:58] so like accepted, he accepted you for who you were and how you were in that moment.
Tony: [00:21:03] exactly. And so he was fun to hang around when he, when he passed away. I just, you know, I had a best friend at the time. We never really talked about it as a matter of fact the day that he passed away, we went home and rode bikes. You know, we didn't talk about it, but you can tell it, uh, it was affecting both of us, but we didn't know how to express that.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:25] right.
Tony: [00:21:26] as time goes on, you experienced these things, you know, you experienced grief in many facets and that's what happened. Yeah. And so. Bouncing around throughout the years, coming into my teenage years and everything, is it was just different for me for most almost, you know, I have a cousin, we talk about it now.
And I have, several cousins that we talk about and all of them have a different perception of who I was at that time. Like a cousin that I, I had a cousin that was athletes and, you know, I used to run. And, uh, play basketball with him and it's like that. And then in the neighborhood, but it wasn't one of those things.
You know, when it was over, I was left, I don't want to do this no more. So, he has a different relationship with me and then there's another, that actually really understood, stood me at an early age he went to prison. So here I am, I'm out here alone again, you know, at least the way it that's the way I felt.
And so. But I left home at a very, very early age at the age of 15. I went, I moved to Washington DC in 1990 and I stayed there for two years. I was in job Corps. I had dropped out of school and, uh, went to job Corps and got my GED and I was there two years. And I tell you what it was. It was, I had the time of my life. I was around people that didn't know me and people pretty much just let me be, and so I was just able to just exist at that moment. I guess a part of me was still being drawn to what, why am I here?
Damaged Parents: [00:22:56] Like, like the, the, what's the word I'm looking for? The rhetorical question of, why am I here on earth type thing? Like, why am I a human? Why?
Tony: [00:23:05] Yeah. Well, why am I, why am I like, why do I exist?
Damaged Parents: [00:23:10] Got it.
Tony: [00:23:11] Has all been my question because when you move around and it goes, it goes a little, a bit more into, the journey. But, you know, I had moved away from home and I was perfectly fine without being funneled my family for two years, you know? Oh, what, what sort of kid does that?
Right. and I was going, I don't belong there. I knew I didn't belong there. Yeah. And I felt out of place. So here I am in DC for two years. And I meet my oldest daughter's mom. And when let's see 92 let's see, we moved to Colorado. Uh, and that's a story all in itself. So damaged parents, right.
You know, I've made some choices and it cost me my life became unsuitable for, for a child. And so it became, and what I, what I mean by that, you know, I went from walking away from a game to run right back into it again in a different area. You know about that lifestyle that drove, that drew me to it.
You know, I, it was, it was more of, I don't have to show you motions to be in here. I don't have to trust the people that around me when I had good reason for that, you know, especially some of the things that you say. And so the violence ensued and it just engulfed in my life. And my life became this, this place where.
Survival of the fittest. Wasn't even a phrase. It was like either you're going to survive or you're going to die.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:36] okay. I have a question though. You said, cause I just want to understand, you don't have to trust the people around you I'm was that as far as the gang went or as far as home life or outside of the gang went that
Tony: [00:24:48] This is, this is where my life had turned into the gangs. It went right back into it. So when, when you round your family, you know, there is a certain level of trust or security with them. And, and a lot of times I didn't feel that.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:02] with your own family,
Tony: [00:25:04] My own family, because of some of the things that was happening to me or what was going on in my life at the time, I didn't feel safe or secure.
So I had to build myself up to feel that within myself and it pushed me away from everything.
I didn't fill it with no, because when you, when you're in a gang, the first thing that you learned is that, yes, these people are from the same neighborhood as you, but don't, don't, don't be misunderstood.
They will kill you. They will kill you, and a lot of, a lot of people go, nah, it wasn't like that. And, and deep down inside, they would have to face the food to have to face the truth of the people that you're around inside the gangs. You've seen them do things to people that you know, and so for me to, well, it's not painful.
It's, it's a, it's an understanding.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:51] Oh,
Tony: [00:25:51] It's a, it's an understanding, right? like, yeah. W we, we run in the same neighborhood together, I will take, I will do bad things to you if I, if, if I feel that you crossed me and these are, those would be people that you're supposed to trust. So for me, having an understanding of that helped me stay, to myself, not let anybody, which was fine with me, you know, I didn't have to let anyone in, and.
It gave me a reason to do bad things to,
Damaged Parents: [00:26:16] So now you've had an
Tony: [00:26:17] is. Excuse, you know, I don't trust you, so wrong one wrong move. I'm gonna, we're gonna have problems. And so that's the way I live my life , for a very, very long time I was going, you know, I don't have to let people get close to me because if I let people get close to me, what I learned early on is that people will hurt you. To protect myself. And that's the way, that's really where, where my journey started. It became more of, I got to protect myself from the people around me. I don't understand the people. I don't want to understand them. I don't want people to get close to me. This, this is perfectly fine. I can move around.
I can do what I needed to do and take life as it comes. And, but there's a certain sense of emptiness that comes with that, you know, And people in and things like that. And I learned valuable lessons throughout that I did have really good friends that I let in and everything only to lose them.
Uh, one friend, he was killed by a skinhead and that was in prison. Another friend of mine, he. Was killed on his motorcycle. Real good friend of mine, another friend of mine overdose his heart exploded through a drug overdose. So those things kind of like add up throughout time. On top of my personal losses with my family members, is that would explain a lot of my life and When I got older, went to prison, got out, was homeless for a long time, which was, even, you know, and it's gonna sound strange, but being homeless, I don't have, you know, I didn't have to be in one place for very long, you know, I lived out of a backpack.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:56] can, yeah. Can you tell, I want to understand that what was the day in the life of being homeless?
Tony: [00:28:04] Cold or most days,
Damaged Parents: [00:28:06] Okay.
Tony: [00:28:07] it was being homeless. Like that was, I had no direction, and it was survival for me, became a way of that. where, where am I going to sleep tonight? What, how am I going to eat tonight? where. Where am I going to end up today is for the most part, because when you're homeless, you have no point of direction.
You have no, no, no place to call yours and everything. So everywhere, anywhere. But the thing is that comes a rules. You know, you gotta be somewhere where the cops aren't gonna mess with you. You have to be somewhere where you can physically and mentally and emotionally feel safe. Without having to worry about is someone going to come and try to stab me while I'm asleep tonight?
Damaged Parents: [00:28:48] Oh,
Tony: [00:28:49] those type things, you know? And so, I got my, my addiction. I'm, I'm an alcoholic, right? So addiction began to manifest itself
Damaged Parents: [00:28:58] while you were homeless.
Tony: [00:28:59] a, well, I T a teeter-totter in it when I was a game banger, but it really started to come out when I was homeless.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:05] okay. So you're homeless. You're trying to find safety and it's, it's hard and it's in, you're constantly trying to hide. You didn't choose. Now. I want to clarify this cause I don't think you chose homelessness. I think it just, it happened.
Tony: [00:29:21] Did, is as a Rady phrase and I still laugh at it now, but it's a phrase that came from Spartacus and the wife was telling the husband at the time she goes, you're destined for great and unfortunate things. Right. So it, it, I look back on and I go, wow, how did that fit my life? Right? Because you look back on your life, uh there's certain times you go, wow, this, this, this, and this, this had an effect on this because I, in order to be who I am right now, I had to go back on my life to pinpoint where I actually started having profits.
Where did the emptiness start to develop?
Damaged Parents: [00:29:57] right.
Tony: [00:29:57] What was, what was going on. So, you know, I pinpointed those things and going forward, we, you know,
Damaged Parents: [00:30:03] so it's manifesting. We were talking about how the alcoholism was manifesting during this. So you're trying to feel safe and maybe did it help numb those feelings that you hadn't even learned how to express or interpret?
Tony: [00:30:16] It numb me in numb me all the way around. So it became, I knew that, that the pain that was inside of me caused the cause to emptiness, but it was like that it was a numbing pain and it was one of those things that really just annoyed me
Damaged Parents: [00:30:30] okay. So you didn't know what to do with it. You had no idea what to do with this pain. It
Tony: [00:30:35] so, you know,
Damaged Parents: [00:30:36] get away from it.
Tony: [00:30:37] alcohol was a way for me to escape that, but in turn what it did, it made me a Verde dysfunctional individual.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:46] okay. Tell us what that means to you.
Tony: [00:30:48] It means that, I was a functioning alcoholic, but I was a dysfunctional human being. So I was so dependent on the alcohol to function that what functioning looked like to me was dysfunctional to most people.
Like I was okay with spending all the time in a bars and stuff like that, playing pool that's all I did was drink. I went to work drunk and and. Got into fights, and that's all I did. So dysfunctional lifestyle, right? I'm homeless. What'd you going to do? Lock me up. Go ahead.
Okay. That gives me a couple of nights off the street. I, it became normal for me. So when w if I got into a fight and went to jail, I just always telling myself, at least my mother knows where I am.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:30] Oh yeah.
Tony: [00:31:31] Right. And, uh, and that comes from years and years. I used to be able to go years without talking to my mom. right. But when we talked, it was, my mom was so happy. My sister was, was so happy. What are you at now? And when you heard that so many times, where are you at now? you're like, where do I want to be? At that time, I wonder wherever I wanted to be. So I moved around a lot because being homeless, not having home, I don't have responsibilities. So I moved all across Colorado, moved to all across the States and things like that. Met some interesting people and, uh, but the alcohol was, it was, it was a beast.
It turned me into a bad person. Really
Damaged Parents: [00:32:11] So you got worse. So you'd already been to jail. You're homeless, you're traveling now. And when you say it turned you into a bad person, what does that mean?
Tony: [00:32:19] It means that I started I started robbing people for my addiction, I would only want to go into too much detail about it, but there was times where, you know, sleeping on our streets for four months or, you know, six, seven months, however long it would be at, in those spurts and things like that, you run out of money because their alcohol is requesting, you spend this money to come get it, come get it.
And so I did, I sacrifice, I was going, I got $5. I can go get two bottles of this and be okay, but, I want to sleep in a bed tonight, but I have no money. I'm not going to go out here. And panhandle, I guess, pride got in the way. And so what I would do is that I would find. Find people to beat up and take their money from them.
And so it did. And so, comic is just to come back and get me left and right. You know, after things like that, I go, well, at least I can sleep in a motel room tonight, take a shower and, and sleep in a bed. But I know I have to be gone by the morning. So what is the next day? So that was my life.
That was my life.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:20] It seems like scrambling almost to just every day. You're not in your head. Yes.
Tony: [00:33:26] It's the truth. It was, it was a scramble every day, every day was a hustle. Every day I had to be on some sort of scheme, to be able to eat or, you know, or I'm going to starve, and after awhile you don't want to do that anymore. Like I just felt bad. I was like, I don't want to do this anymore.
And so I took my lashings. I did. I just, I, I dug deep into the, my addiction and I became a really good homeless person
Damaged Parents: [00:33:53] so we got worse.
Tony: [00:33:55] I got it, got progressively worse and everything. And so then one day I run across a friend, someone who, of whom I've known throughout some years and they saw me and they went, Tony. What's going on, man. I go, I'm good. I'm okay. And they were like, no, you're not good, Tony. You're not good. I go, no, you don't understand. I'm good. I'm okay. I'm not messing with nobody. You know, this is where, where God wants me to be. This is where I'm going to be. And they go, no, Tony, come on, man. Come here, come, come, come, come, stay with me for a little bit.
Let me help you get back on your feet. Well, that works when, when you're not fighting an addiction. Like it's easy, it's easy to get up on your feet and make, make the necessary adjustments, to be able to feed that addiction. Right. But eventually it all comes crashing back down again.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:47] so even though this friend came cause, cause I think you're tying it back in. So this friend came and they lovingly were like, come on, we know you're better than this. We fight. We see value in you and. Yeah, you're saying that doesn't really work and because of the addiction. So the addiction was still driving you
Tony: [00:35:06] It was the anger. It was the addiction. When you, when you walk around and paying so much, you look for that numbness. And so that's what I did. So you can change the clothes. You can put brand new clothes on, on, on anyone, right. And you can change their appearance. And only thing that, the only thing that does is help you blend in with the people that are around you. That's all it does. You know, it doesn't change anything inside of you, especially when now, now I'm at a place where I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep and the sort of extra money, cause I'm doing labor rating now and I'm making 40, $50 a day sometimes more, you know, I don't may not seem like much, but for me it was enough. You know, it gave me, it gave me a sense of purpose to get up and go to work every day. But it also gave me a way to feed my alcoholism so I can change the clothes and everything. And my dad, I could put a brave face on, I could come around to hang around with you, but my primary objective is where's the alcohol.
W where's the alcohol at, right.
So that's, you know, it was, it was a social, I began, I began with most people may say using it as a social, but, uh, drug. So I was able to turn my addiction and put on a fake face to be able to socialize with other people because now we have something in common.
We have alcohol, we had, you know, we can get together and drink.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:20] So how did you move from. How did you transition then to recovery?
Tony: [00:36:26] To recovery. Uh, that was a battle in itself.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:29] well, I'm trying to, I wanted that point of the story that shows hope that. That you're because it sounds like you're at the very bottom. And even when you're there, someone's saying you're valuable. And yet that alcohol, the pull of the addiction, it's so hard that even though you have this value and you can change your clothes and you can, can look like you've, you're participating in, in society.
Again, you're still battling this, this demon inside of you kind of.
Tony: [00:36:58] Well, well that leads into the next one. So here I have my friend he's helping me out. And, uh, so I'm starting to get a sense of, of responsibility, It's like, we're going to go, we're going to get through this. But the problem is that he's an alcoholic I'm out, so it kind of works out. Right. And so. So I remember one day, uh, I was written out of his garage at the time. He had a room in his garage and I was paying him X amount per month. I had a place to go. I had food in my stomach. I feel pretty good. And, uh, meet, uh, me and another good friend. Well, another man that comes along and we ended up becoming friends afterwards and he had a house in Denver.
That, just came available and I've gone. I've never, I've never really had a house before. I never really had a home before. You know, I've always lived with people, lived on the streets and bounced around and all these things. So I'm going okay. Let's, let's see what this is about. So he ended up renting a house to me.
So now I'm really, really happy. You know, now I'm going, this is what it feels like to have your own.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:58] mm.
Tony: [00:37:59] a huge yard, dog run, you know, it was a one bedroom house and it was just beautiful. It was perfect for me. And that raid there, I think is what kind of sparked everything to me, going into recovery or putting my, I didn't even know where recovery was.
A good friend of mine, another good friend of mine, Donna. She goes, man what are you going to do now? I said, I'm going to stop drinking. She looks at me. He goes, really? I go, yes. He goes well, was about Tom, Tony. Like we get kind of worried about you. And I go is to goes, what are you going to do?
AA and or anything like that. So now if I'm going to do this, I'm gonna have to do it for myself. So I locked myself in the house. I remember it was a weekend. I lock myself in the house for that weekend. Did come out the house and just went through the motions. I went through it, I fought it for 70 for the weekend.
And then find the temptation because I began to develop a mindset of, this is not going to beat me. It's not going to, it's not going to keep having control over me. So I have to reclaim that part. And so I did so going to work and doing the job that I'm doing, you know, talk about shakes and things like that.
But I, I came through,
Damaged Parents: [00:39:04] So were, did you have doubts though, when you're going through detox and then those next weeks, and how did you get over those doubts? How did you handle that?
Tony: [00:39:12] I guess you could say that's where I started digging into my faith,
Damaged Parents: [00:39:16] Okay.
Tony: [00:39:17] so to speak, It was I'm going through these things. I'm going through the shakes. Their weeks are going by, and they're horrible. The nights I can't sleep, all I want is a drink. Right. But I was going, I'm not going to do this.
I'm not going to, I'm not going to be a victim to my own, to my own self, you know? So I developed a sense of strength and I remember talking to my mother and she goes, baby, pray. Pray about putting God's hand. And I go, you know, me and God, we haven't been on a, I've been on the best pages throughout my whole entire life.
laughed. Right. And he goes, but baby, he loves her. Anyway, you're going to need some help and you're not going to seek it from other people. Why don't you. Try this for a little bit. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't, it's not hurting anything. Right. You know? Okay. So I began put it in God's hands. I go, look, I don't want to be like this anymore.
What helped me get through this? So I began to rely on him a lot more and dug deeper into it. And so, is that. My journey began to actually take shape and everything. Yeah. And at least I thought it was at least I thought it was. And then I remember I, I ended up going out for my birthday and I told myself just one, just one.
Right. And I fell right back
Damaged Parents: [00:40:33] it didn't take that much. It just took the one
Tony: [00:40:36] It took the one. Cause my friends were like, let's go out for your birthday, Tony. Yeah, let's do it. Let's go party and stuff. Right. And I went out there and I'm going, you know, I'm strong enough. I think I can have one beer . Right. So I take that. I sit down and go, Ooh, this tastes real good.
They say it don't I got eight beers down. Now I'm a fool on the floor and it's, uh, it was so bad.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:56] so something you said about your mom was, was love any, he loves you anyway, speaking about God, right? Which reminded me of This quote by mother Teresa people are unreasonable illogical, and self-centered love them. Anyway. If you do good people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good. Anyway, if you're successful, you may win false friends and true enemies succeed.
Anyway. The good you do today, maybe forgotten tomorrow. Do good. Anyway, honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent. Anyway, what you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help, man, attack you. If you help them, help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you make it hurt, give the world your best anyway.
And I think that that's what you're learning to do through this journey.
Tony: [00:41:57] Right. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:58] Love anyway,
Tony: [00:41:59] Help anyway, and be true to you who you are.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:03] right.
Tony: [00:42:04] yourself. Right. I didn't know what that was. You know, when, when we think about the differences in cultures and things like that, we hear the success stories, right. But we don't hear the journey of what it took to get to that point.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:15] right.
Tony: [00:42:16] And it it's, it's being true to who you are. And sometimes it takes a long time to figure out who you are. And so I've been on a journey of this rediscovery of me.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:28] well, you're bright. And you thought you had, right. And you find yourself out on your birthday and you're on the floor again.
Tony: [00:42:35] Yeah. I'm on the floor. I'm on it. I'm on it. Didn't
Damaged Parents: [00:42:37] did, did you mentally beat yourself up for that? Or how did you recover from that? After that.
Tony: [00:42:46] a long time for that one. So that one feeds in that one leads into where I meet my son's mother. And this is where the journey actually starts to take form. And how what comes after that kind of shaped who I am today. So it's a, it's a journey of purpose is a journey of rediscovering, who I was after all of this.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:06] okay.
Tony: [00:43:07] So I meet my son's mother,
Damaged Parents: [00:43:09] you drinking still when you
Tony: [00:43:11] Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It was my, my thought was, and hopefully, you know, takes that takes those wrong, but she was supposed to have been on one night stand.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:19] Okay.
Tony: [00:43:20] Because now that I have a place, I don't have to worry about where I'm going to sleep at the night.
Right. Even though I had a lot of one night stands. I was very familiar squeezed, oh yeah, let's go. Yeah. Craziest places going out in the world that I end up here. So my addiction added another facet in, because before, when, when I was drinking, you know, I wasn't going out, being from this grease and things like that, this time I was going, okay, I got a home. I'm gonna take advantage of this. I'm a bachelor, right? So every weekend that's what it was. We drank. And I ended up in places where I still can't remember to this day. And so I meet my son's mother drinking and, uh, she was, would have been a one night stand and she kind of stuck around a little bit.
So I was like, okay. She was like, even worse alcoholic than me. So I'm like, okay, well, we're going to have fun. This is what we do once she ended up getting pregnant. And I lived in Denver at the time. She lived in lovely. That's how I ended up in Loveland. So here I am, I moved out of my place. I'm moving in with her and here she is pregnant, we're drinking and, uh, I'm going okay.
You know, how does this work? now she's not drinking and I'm drinking. I'm going okay. At some point I have to make her choice. So I stopped again while she was pregnant. And, December 18th, 2000, 2006, my son was born, and he was born seven days before Christmas. And, I'm still teeter tottering within my alcoholism.
And within a time, his mother and I had separated I'm homeless again. Right. So here I am back out on the streets. My son is now born. The relationship between his mother and I is not, there is horrible, just, just brutal. And, uh, so here I am, I'm sleeping in my work van at the time and I was blessed.
I was truly blessed. This is when I started looking at the blessings. I was blessed. I was able to get into a two bedroom apartment. Okay. Actually able to start to have some, I have a friendship with his mother and she began to let me see my son. Well, she was under the impression that we was going to get back together.
Didn't happen all hell breaks loose. So now karma comes back and bites me again. I get evicted out of the apartment that I'm in two years. The homeless again, his mother calls so much chaos in my life. I was fired from four jobs. then it won't and I'm going, why? So now? Now she's taking me to court for to see my son.
She's not letting me see my son anymore. So of course, what do I do? You're not gonna let me see my son, I'm going right back to drinking again.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:48] Right.
Tony: [00:45:49] So I did homeless going right back to drinking, drinking, fighting the courts. Cause I knew that it was going to be a battle. So two and a half years of that. and I finally, after two and a half years of bouncing around and sleeping on people's couches and, doing the whole homeless thing again, I'm going to this, something has to change.
Right. And so, one day I remember the, I meet someone and she, and I began dating. And this is where I get blessed again. So do you know, see, she tells me to come move in with her. Okay. You know, I move in with her. She leaves after six months and left and leaves me there. So it's like how in the world does this happen?
Right. And so I was going, how do I get an apartment? This is not my apartment, but the landlord calls me and go, Hey, I know that you're living there now. And I know that this person has left. Would you like to stay there? Well, yeah. Why not? Right. You know, and so that's where I was at for a very long time.
And so to battle with what CPS with the court systems to try to get my son, uh, be a part of his life and everything that, that ensues and it's brutal, they beat the crap out of me.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:01] So when you say brutal and beat the crap out of you, is it. The emotional feelings that come along with it or are there I mean, I'm sure that court, I know court is not fun. It's never fun, but I think in family court probably there's a lot more personal attacks of why this other person should not and cannot be a parent.
Tony: [00:47:23] Well, and, and that's, that's pretty much what it was. So being a man, going through the course for a child, you already have one strike against you. They already have a perception of you being a dead beat. Dad, not do any wrongdoing of your own, but through the conversations that the mother usually have with them,
Damaged Parents: [00:47:41] well in society too. Right. So society says
Tony: [00:47:44] you know what I'm saying? We already labeled, we already.
Damaged Parents: [00:47:47] And, and so you've got all this pain inside too, that you never learned to label, label those emotions anyway. And, and now you're there and you're thinking, and you're just drinking again because court is tough and it's personal and it's hard and it's painful.
I'm thinking.
Tony: [00:48:04] You know, when, when you go into a place that says that they all about equality across the board, and you feel like that, ending, you realize there really isn't. Because now everything that they could do whatever they want to, to you. I don't own the system is designed to help men succeed. I really do.
I really didn't feel like it took me two and a half years of being ridiculed have been bashed of bit, have jumped through all of these hoops and everything like that. And you know, not once did they come to me and asked me anything about me,
Damaged Parents: [00:48:37] the court system.
Tony: [00:48:38] Of course, this never even came to me to ask me anything about me.
They took it all from her and they already had a vendetta against me and I'm going, I didn't do nothing to you. Let alone do anything to her.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:50] So like in mediation and stuff, no one ever said who are you?
Tony: [00:48:54] Oh my God, if you would have stepped to set through one of my mediations, you would have got up and walked out the door. I hadn't taken, if we want, the mediation is supposed to be, you know what I'm saying? Equal across the board. I sat there in one mediation for two hours. Why this woman, why my son's mother be little me talk down to me, just bashed me all across the board and the people that was supposed to stop it.
Just let it go on. And I'm looking at them and I'm going. So are we done? And they'd looked at her and they looked at me. I said, I could have told you this was going to happen. As a matter of fact, I told you this was going to happen. And yet this is what I try to avoid. And you guys put me in here and you let her just do it to me.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:34] so it's like you had a witness to the emotional trauma that you had experienced, and now you're in the court system and they're watching it. And no one is saying stop.
Tony: [00:49:43] Anything, you know what they did after that, they went to. Go. So we've, we're, we're going through, we're about two years in and so now we're going for child support and they were going to charge me like almost two grand a month for my son and upon. Okay, you can have that two grand is rightfully his I'm more than willing to pay child support as not like that.
I'm not, I want to take care of him. So my, my mindset at the time, even though I'm battling my addiction with alcoholism, you know, my mindset is I need to, I need to be there for him. I want to, I want to be, I want to be a better father. I want to be a better man. I want to take this journey and I'm going to do whatever I need to do to be a part of his life, because I know what it's like to be alone in this world.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:26] Hmm. Oh, wow. You just brought that full circle. I know what it's like to be alone. I've been alone for what, at that point 30 some odd years.
Tony: [00:50:37] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:50:38] and now you're saying I don't want my son to feel that way.
Tony: [00:50:42] See what my daughter, she had someone there that would protect her, Because my life, you know, I made some bad decisions and I don't regret not being there with them because it was safer for them to be where they were. And it was easier for me to navigate my life. Without worried about if something was, if something bad was going to happen to them.
So now I'm bringing this full circle, I'm seeing the struggle and, and I'm going through it and I'm determined now I'm going, no matter what you do to me, I'm not going to give up, cause I need him just as much as he he's going to need me, so I did. I end up, I started going through it and I told the courts that last time I said, you know, no matter what you do to me, I'm not going to stop.
Only thing I want to do is be a part of his life, which she's told you briefly. So if I would heard those same things, I will be mad at me too. But the truth of the matter is, and I'm going to say this in front of her, was she saying is false. She's been, she's been stringing you guys along and it turned, I'm catching the wrath from her stories that she's telling you.
And, and I told the judge and I told everyone around. I said, you guys should be ashamed of yourself. That all out of all of this, no one ever came to talk to me. Do you don't even know me? You know, a name and you know, stories that she's told you, but you don't know me. You never wants to talk to me, but you was quick to use quick to judge me.
And you guys should be ashamed because you've supposed to be the role models for everyone else. I said, this is, this is not good, but it's okay. Whatever you need me to do, I'm going to do, just to prove to you that I'm not the bad guy here. Well, low and behold, I was blessed shortly, after that, everything that that had been trying to tell CPS had finally come to light his mother his mother. She began. She was already verbally and physically abusive to the, towards their kids and everything. And her alcoholism was pretty, a lot worse than mine. Let's just put it that way. And, uh, so she ended up getting caught. And so that began a journey of me getting my son. So after all this time,
Damaged Parents: [00:52:44] I see a tremendous amount of strength and courage in you. When I hear what you said in the courtroom, it said, you know what? I've been falsely accused. This hurts. I don't like it. And I understand why, because of these other stories and I will do what you need me to do, because it was, it was that important to you and you knew who you were.
And I think that, that at that point you had enough courage, not even courage. What am I trying to self-esteem
Tony: [00:53:14] Resilience.
Damaged Parents: [00:53:14] know who I am. You have resilience. I know who I am. and that's all, that really matters in this moment is that I know who I am and I will do that so that you know who I am.
Tony: [00:53:24] Exactly. So, so it's a matter of proving myself to people I've never, I've never tried to prove myself to nobody, but this point at this time, something inside of me just said, you're going to have to prove yourself. You're going to have to show them who you truly are. If you want him, like, this is not going to be easy.
And I went okay. All right. I know it's not going to be easy. What do I need to do? What does the next steps and what are the next steps to get me closer to my end goal? So I did, I followed that through, I get my son and now I'm the happiest man around. Right. You know, cause now I got custody of my son.
I finally got the one thing I was striving. Well, I have a problem. I have a couple of problems. One, I don't know what it's like to be a man.
Damaged Parents: [00:54:05] Oh, shoot. That's right. We never rounded back to that. Did we
Tony: [00:54:09] I don't know what it's like to be a man. I don't know what it's like to be a father. You know what I'm saying? Let alone, now that I have this beautiful baby boy what am I supposed to do?
Damaged Parents: [00:54:19] so confusing?
Tony: [00:54:21] Yeah, it's so confusing. Right? So I said, okay, first things first, I need to figure, I need to surround myself with good men, so I can learn what it's like to be a better man. Right. And so I did, I started going to a all men's group. And I started going there on the weekends and learning and being around other men.
I finally understand what it's like to be supported around other men. I'm watching examples that have really good examples. These men of men, strong men of faith.
Damaged Parents: [00:54:47] right.
Tony: [00:54:48] And so their courage, their resilience, their stories, I'm sending here, you know, in these groups and everything and learning. And I realized that these men are just like me.
No matter the color that they are, these men are just like me. And so, yes, I'm in the right place. I'm, I'm in a right place. Right. So I'm going to these groups I'm learning. And so now I'm going, okay, I'm learning, I'm understanding what it's like to be a man from these different perspectives. So I have to start taking these good values that I'm learning and start implement them into my own day-to-day life.
Right. And so I did, and I noticed a change in who and who I was becoming. My alcoholism that addiction was still there. and, but it wasn't in control of me anymore, it was, but it wasn't, so, and what I mean by that is that it was still, there was still calling my name. It was still giving me some sort of comfort being able to numb what I was going through, but, and it wasn't in the same sense as that.
I didn't have to get up and at it. I didn't have to wake up at three o'clock to have my first shot of Jim bean or my first with, you know, a bottle of tequila, whatever, you know, at two o'clock three o'clock in the morning, I was able to sleep a
little bit more, come more restful. And because now my mind is switched over, I wanted to learn more about, I want to learn more about being a man, know, and things like that.
So they became my unspoken mentors. And things like that, they became unspoken mentors and I'm going, if only they knew the amount of respect that I had for them and what they're giving me, if this is priceless. And so as that goes on you know, now I have to learn how to be a father. I didn't have any good role models around, right.
So now my relationship with God, this is where it starts to get very, very intimate. My, I started pursuing a relationship with them. I'll go, you know, who's the best father. I know God. Okay. I'm going to have to start using examples to help me become a better father, right. So my mother said, talk to God as if he's your best friend.
Talk to him as if he's your father, start talking to him and build this relationship with him as if you are his child. So, okay. Okay. Okay. So I started asking questions, what does this, what, what does this mean? How can I become better? How can I, be a better father to my son. And he began opening up doors. He began to be my example. And my relationship with my son changed and alcohol became a thing over the past. It was like, this is more important. I want to, and not only am I building a relationship with God, but I'm building a better relationship with my son because now, you know, He's he's opening up.
You know, he had a rough childhood as well, being going through the system, being bounced out of his mom's home, all these other things. And yeah, I am this man. I'm trying to be a good influence on him. And our relationship was beautiful It was beautiful. He w we early where he was, I mean, I took him to the school, work him up from school, you know, all of these things played dates, going out, father, son dates and things like that.
I know it sounds strange. Right. But me and my son, we had a day out of early week that we would go to like Applebee's and just have a father
Damaged Parents: [00:58:07] you know what I'm hearing, I'm hearing. And this is something I say I have two teenage girls. Okay. They taught me who I am, having children more than anything, has taught, I am and what I stand for. And I'm hearing that in your stories, that by the time, even with all that struggle in there with the, with not being able to have your son and the whole dynamic of that high conflict divorce and everything, he still, at the end of the day, God placed him in your home.
And because of that, you were able to find value and you were able to start asking that question, God, what do you need me to do? What would you have me do?
Tony: [00:58:49] And so I've, I started looking at examples. I started looking at the relationship that other people have with him and things like that. And it made me want to pursue that more. It made me want to pursue that relationship and have these conversations and things like that. And that's when my relationship with God changed.
It was more of, okay, I'm your child. So I have a whole lot to say. And so that's what I tell people. Cause we have this, we have where we argue and you know, he'll tell me to do something now I'm a rebel. I'm no, I'm not going to do it. Just knock it, know Tony, you know, and all of this.
So, you know, having that relationship is fun. And, but, I also understand the road that he's placed me in. So, and then we go back just touch base on this a little bit. So now my son, right? So now I have custody of him. I relationship is going good. Alcohol is a thing of the past now. I'm focused. I'm rediscovering who, who Tony really is as a man and as a father, but as a role model. And as an example, not just to my son, you know, but I knew he was always watching me, but it was other people that watched the relationship that I have with my son. And they just always compliment me.
They be like, man, I wish I had that sort of relationship with my child. And I go, you can have that. But you have to start seeing, seeing the world through their eyes, not the eyes that you have because you've been corrupted, do your trauma through life, and now you see life totally different. You need to see it through theirs in order to have a relationship and have understanding, see it as a child, it have changed your whole world, your whole section of it.
And so our, our relationship blossom. And, and everything. There's, a huge amount of trust. There's amount of security between both of us because of his life. It took him a while to warm up to me, even though I'm his father. But his life taught him too that, Hey, I, people leave me. I'm waiting for you to leave me.
So I had to prove to him, Donna, wasn't going to leave him. I know it sounds strange because most people will just, just tell him no, no, no, no, no. It's so much more than that. You have to build that relationship. You have to build that security. I had to build, a sense of a safety net for my son. So he knew that I wasn't going anywhere.
Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [01:01:01] yeah, because telling him and showing him are two totally different things, because you can tell someone all day long, all day long, showing them though is different. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
So, okay. What a fascinating story to finding healing and, and what it took for you to find value in yourself. So what are three things that you would like the audience to know about this journey of life and the human experience, and maybe some tools that they can find, that can help them find hope?
Tony: [01:01:33] Well, I'll have to quote a friend of mine. Hope is possible. If you want it be, be brave enough to explore different avenues of who you are in order to develop yourself properly. And if you're going through something tragic or that, that changed your life in a way to where it makes you.
Feel empty, allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to express those emotions that you're going through. Don't don't hold it. Even though you may feel empty inside those emotions are still there. Give yourself, give yourself permission, give yourself permission to feel and, and you come out on the other side so much better and the tools that are there.
Our individual. So I want to, you know, if you're looking for those tools, looking for, to look for those things that have been said that have stuck with you that have brought you comfort and security throughout your life and implement those in a way in your life to where it makes it makes a huge impact for yourself and find it, find the value in, in the things that you do.
That's the key to it.
Damaged Parents: [01:02:34] Well, I am really glad that I have gotten to have you here today and that I've gotten to hear your story and be part of your journey. I think it's, I think you're amazing.
Tony: [01:02:43] Thank you. Thank you for, thank you for the kind of words as well.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Tony about how he took responsibility for his choices and found a way to live a productive and giving life. We especially liked it when he spoke with an abundance of love for his child. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on YouTube. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.
