Episode 28: Overcoming Adversity
Kawan Glover
About:
Kawan Glover is a Survivor because he has lived through a stroke and three brain surgeries. He also dealt with suicidal ideations, one attempt, opioid addiction, depression, and been $1.2 million in medical debt. Despite these hardships, he has started his own company called Overcome Adversity, which leverages his ordeal to help others, as the name says, Overcome their Adversity no matter the shape or form. He is also a writer, public speaker, and a self-published author of a memoir entitled “Favor: How Stroke Struggle and Surgery Helped Me Find My Life’s Purpose”
Social media and contact information:
Website: https://kawanglover.com/
Book link: http://bit.ly/Favorthebook
Social Links: http://link.kawanglover.com/
Facebook: www.Facebook.com/OvercomeAdversityWithKawan
Instagram: www.Instagram.com/kawanglover - @kawanglover
Twitter: www.Twitter.com/kawan_glover - @kawan_glover
LinkedIn: http://linkedin.com/in/kawanaglover
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where slurring, crooked, weak people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%. Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?
My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole. Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Kawan Glover. He has many roles in his life, son, brother, uncle author of Overcoming Adversity and more. We'll talk about how at 20 years old, he had to have brain surgery. Went back to school a week later, had a stroke, the mass grew back more surgeries. And how he continues to heal. Let's talk
Welcome Kawan to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. How are you today?
Kawan Glover: [00:02:05] I am great if I was doing any better there'd two of me
Damaged Parents: [00:02:09] I liked that answer. I really, really do. So you're here about a struggle. And one of the interesting things I noticed on your pre-interview answers or the question sheet was that you said you're still trying to find your balance after your struggle. And I thought that was really cool.
Kawan Glover: [00:02:29] Yeah, because I just feel like healing and recovery is a lifelong journey. So there are moments where I feel like, Oh, this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. This is exactly where I need to be. And then I still have moments where I'm like, I wish I wasn't here. This shouldn't happen to me. This is the fair.
So, Balance tranquility peace of mind. Those things are sometimes can be, they can be fleeting, but I do know where my sense of balance lasts. Just maintaining that balance can be a little tricky sometimes.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:01] Yeah, they can be. I agree with that 100%. Okay. So tell us about your struggle, whether it started a long time ago or recently you start where you think that story begins and then we'll just kind of work through it, to where you're at now.
Kawan Glover: [00:03:17] Yeah, so I think about life, like a kind of up and down, I used to talk about it through a mountain and Valley perspective. And when I graduated high school, I was on top of the mountain. I had a 4.0 was number six in my class. I've gotten through all the schools. I need to minus one. And, you know, I had the girl, I had the grades I got into, like everything was working.
And then when I hit 20, I was in university my sophomore year. And my brain just was like, yeah, no, we're not working right now. And I'm like, ah, Okay. So I'm telling doctors to fix it. And I had, you know, the brain surgery, but even between that is what a struggle, arose and between those three brain surgeries in between the stroke and things like that, because I had bouts of depression and anxiety and, opiod addiction.
And it was in between those, mountains of successes or recovery, or, beating something that you find yourself in that mental space. This isn't fair. How could this happen to me? My life was so great. Everything was so perfect. I've got everything I need. I was too proud household. How can this be misfortune, fall upon someone who never did anything.
Agregious. And that usually that I come to understand that's your ego talking? So again with that trauma leftover for note difficult situations was often a very challenging feat. And I still deal with some of that traumatic residue. But the hope that you find once you're able to see the purpose in your journey is where I find those moments of balance that we were talking about.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:53] right. So, so give us an example of the first time you felt like you were going into one of those deep valleys and what happened in, and then we'll go from there.
Kawan Glover: [00:05:04] okay. So a normal one is after the second surgery, it happened August. First on October 1st, 2015, and that summer I went back to school in the spring. So January to sometime right before the summer, and then that summer, I just felt this massive pout depression just befall me. And because I had been able body, most of my life been able to be independent, it would do for myself, my reality of what.
My life was and expectation of what my life was supposed to be. We're in clash or in conflict. So what, what my perception of reality, and I didn't sleep in my bed. I slept on my couch and watch sons of anarchy. And, if you're familiar with that show, you know what happens at the end and
it,
Damaged Parents: [00:05:51] not.
Kawan Glover: [00:05:52] okay.
So what a lot of our brain, the one listening, the main character kills the, at the end. And that thoughts also suicide started creeping in there. I just felt like, you know, my life shitty over. There's no purpose for me left. I don't understand why I deal with this. But then I had a friend of mine, more like a brother and he walked, like my apartment door was unlocked and I had just didn't care.
And he got into this burst, open burst of the door. And I didn't look up and I'm just like, well, I guess this is it for me. This is the way I go out. So I'm thinking I'm getting robbed or something like that. And I'm just like, yeah, that's the difference.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:26] So where did you have the stroke before? So, because I heard you say you went from able-bodied to dis to having a disability and that's what caused the depression or did you have depression before that?
Kawan Glover: [00:06:39] Okay. Okay. So let me clarify the timeline. So they discovered a mass in my brain in 2014. And then I had my first brain surgery to remove that in August of 2014, a month later, due to arrogance, and being young and hubris views. I went back to school a week later. And then a month after that I had a stroke and that's what really started affecting my right side, which is, you know, it's episodes and things like the physical inability.
And then the mass grew back a year later. So when October of 2015, the mass were, I went in to have another procedure and you know, it was just like, wow. But before that. So I guess after a stroke, but before the second surgery is when I had that big bout, of depression. And then I had fallout another surgery and that put me, in another spiral.
And then that second surgery, I was introduced to opioids related to the substance abuse. So the timeline is just to clarify? Brain surgery, stroke, depression, and another brain surgery. And that was the first part.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:43] right. So you had this, the brain surgery, when they told you you needed to have brain surgery. What did that feel like? Do you remember the feelings that happened at that point?
Kawan Glover: [00:07:53] I remember the first time they told me that, Hey, there's something in your brain. That's not supposed to be there. And that, I think I was 19 or 20 at the time. I'm just like, okay, so are you going to fix it? Or what? Like, what are you telling me about this? Like I had, no, I had never been injured or. To that capacity before and never had anything like that.
So I'm just like, I don't know why you telling me you just fix it so I can move on with my life. And they did, and I was able to get up and walk away from the surgery. What's some weakness, you know, as I'm recovering, but again, I never experienced anything like that. So I wasn't, adherent to the policy that you should probably not go back to school.
You should probably rest and recover. And then I just got up a week later, I went back to school and returned to everything. that I was doing, but at that time I had no perspective about what that can mean for someone at that age, because I felt like I was superhuman, like at my prime. So there's no way this can really stop me, but it wasn't until honestly, my third surgery in 2017 where I was just like, Oh, maybe I'm not invincible.
Maybe this is a thing telling me to slow down and do something else in my life.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:01] right. So the initial surgery after the surgery, you felt. Pretty good. It sounds like, and decided I don't need to listen to the doctors and I'm going to go back to school right now because it sounds like you had a 4.0, you were determined to succeed all of that great stuff. Yeah.
Kawan Glover: [00:09:20] Yeah. That. You know, I just didn't feel like this could stop. This was not supposed to stop me. So, as a young male black men, like I'm good. I don't need to check in with people like I'm independent. I have my independence. So it wasn't even a second thought for me to go on and do what I wanted to do.
But in hindsight, it's always 2020, you know, that, Maybe you should have slowed down just a little bit.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:48] well, right. And it sounds like you were really driven to succeed. So it actually kind of makes sense to me, or it really makes sense to me that you would go back to school. You were determined. I mean, it sounds like you had a plan.
Kawan Glover: [00:10:01] yeah, I absolutely did, but I'm also looking back. I am able to give myself a little bit of grace. And understanding, Hey, I wasn't at the same level of maturity and understanding I am now actually grace is my sister's middle name. And her first name means grace. So she's double graced and I dedicated my book to her.
But understanding that, you know, we make these mistakes, these blinders in life they're meant to teach us a bigger lesson and I'm learning that lesson everyday but if I inspire one person if I save one life in this journey was. Worth more than anything. I'd hug her and give into my life.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:37] yeah, isn't that true? Okay. So you have this stroke, do you, I'm intrigued by. I think there was a Ted talk of a woman who explained what it felt like to her. Do you remember what it felt like when you were having the stroke? I mean, did you even know what was happening? Do you have any recollection?
Kawan Glover: [00:10:58] I can describe it in very vivid detail because I never lost consciousness. So that day was probably September 17, 2014. I had a headache for 13 hours . And it was like , a debilitating headache, like someone who had a jackhammer to my head, and I went to the bathroom.
I thought I had to throw up. I actually was just throwing up water and that's never a good time. Uh, my vision went blurry. Well, I tried to climb back in bed, my right side, my, my leg shot back. So I kind of fell over and then my arm went out. So I just right side useless. And then I rolled over and I, Nicole, my parents and I was just like, I think I'm having a stroke.
And I can tell, I can hear when my speech started to slur. And even now I still have some residue with my speech from all these procedures and the stroke, but it was. It was scary because I was not able to control parts of my body that had always been able to control. , I was alone didn't necessarily know what to do.
So I called the hospital or call my mom. Luckily I was still on the right enough mind to do those things, but it was an event that I it's hard to put into words. except what happened, but the feelings were like fear and like, Surprised and like what is actually happening? Confusion, the mess. It was really an event.
I never want to do it again.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:21] Yeah. So it sounds like what was happening with your body. Your brain was telling your body to do things in your body. Wasn't responding the way you wanted it to and. You said you were surprised you could still make those phone calls. So you said your right side went. So you were having to do everything with your left hand.
And is that your more dominant side or, or was your right your dominant side?
Kawan Glover: [00:12:45] my right is my dominant side, but now I'm writing with my left man drawing my left hand reading with my left hand, doing mostly everything. I recently started going back to opening doors, my right hand. But at the time to have your dominant side taken away from you, it's just like, I'm not prepared for this, but you adapt and you adjust and you move on with life.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:08] Yeah. So how did you do that? So you have this stroke. Right. Side's gone now you're limited to your less dominant side. You're you were confused and scared and all of that. How did you keep going?
Kawan Glover: [00:13:21] I think this is a credit to my high drive for success, because I knew that like a part of me wanted to quit, but then this other side is often louder. It's like, you still have to finish school. You still have things to do. And I wasn't even thinking about back then inspiring people or writing a book or anything like that.
I was just like, This will not stop you from becoming the men you're supposed to be. You know, I used to have dreams of being a paleontology is and being president and who knows. I might still be president one day, but there was a deep desire to succeed. Overcome the odds. So that driving force, also the people around me, my family, friends, the people in there, there were a rehab hospital that encouraged me to continue to not treat me as a disabled person, to me as a person and encouraged me to continue.
That was really important.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:18] Okay. I heard something really interesting, right there is the people around you didn't treat you as if you were disabled. What do you mean by that? And how can other people do that with people who have a physical disability?
Kawan Glover: [00:14:30] so like one of my best friend Anthony Robinson well, when I'm logging around and you see me limping or like, you know, kind of down on myself, he doesn't allow me space to like, if I fall, he doesn't like. Laugh or he doesn't like pick me up and he's like, get up, sometimes it's tough love.
Sometimes there's people that like, Hey, do you need help or encourage me to ask for help. And that's another level of vulnerable. Another piece of vulnerability that people don't think exist also. Not making everything like reacting. fearful manner whenever I don't use something a hundred percent, right.
Or their fear of falling, like showing that apprehension about me doing that things really, uh, defeats my confidence or allowing me to, uh, roped through something, not struggled to work through allowing challenges and allowing me to, figure things out, really helpful for building that, that, uh, perseverance building that resilience and allowing me also to try things out that are having tried before that I have stopped doing and, acknowledging my progress. That's a really big, because when people around you stop acknowledging of progress, you're more than likely not to acknowledge it. And then you stop recovering and then the healing Strat.
So it would be encouraging, but along me to figure things out is really important.
Damaged Parents: [00:15:48] so allowing for the struggle. Is important when someone you love has it, or gets a new disability, if you will, that they're not used to. And excuse me in my mind, I want to say that's helping them keep their dignity, right. That they're still human. It sounds like that struggle is important. And. Not that you couldn't ask for help, but you will when you need it.
Is that right? Or.
Kawan Glover: [00:16:16] Yeah, because I think you only grow through a bridge to be struggling and challenged when everything is given to you. Like if you were laying in bed and people were serving you all day. Your body realize, well, what does it need to build muscles in your legs? They were atrophied. So I think constantly pushing against that, that, uh, that atrophy that builds up in your limbs or builds up even in your mindset, challenging and growing and stretching that a bit, strengthening that, giving the person an opportunity to Helps them physically, but also mentally and emotionally that they still are able to cause a lot of times I like to see identify, say, but I'm not disabled because I'm just able to do things differently.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:59] okay. So I, I think I heard you say. In some sense, don't identify as disabled, identify as differently abled.
Kawan Glover: [00:17:07] Yeah. And like a lot of people, even with a lot of mental health challenges, they say I am depressed or I am angry or I am anxious. You are, you are not those things. You may feel anxious or you may feel depressed or you may feel angry, or you may, struggle with a disability, but you are not disabled because you're still here.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:30] Right.
Kawan Glover: [00:17:31] here and you're still very much able. So I identify with that community, but I am just able to do things differently.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:38] so I heard someone the other day was saying that to me, that they didn't think that disabled people didn't like the word hero. I'm just interested in your perspective because I'm wondering if. Yes. You know, being differently, abled is one thing. I also think it takes a lot of bravery and courage in this normal, normal world, but in the world that exists for CA able-bodied people.
It, that it takes courage and bravery to, to live in that world in a differently abled body. What are your thoughts on that?
Kawan Glover: [00:18:11] You know, actually I was in my TikTok, comments someone, they put hero and I didn't think anything of it, but thinking deeper, I think hero is some mythological fictional thing. And I'm a real person. It does take courage. It does take bravery, but heroism is something that something, fictional like you go above and beyond and you're like heroes.
It puts a person on a pedestal that they didn't ask me to put on. I'm simply adjusting and adapting and thriving on something that happened to me and being a hero makes you like. Sometimes people don't want to be seen as a mythological figure. Sometimes people want to just be seen as a person that has this condition but because it needs to use it for the better.
Good. So I identify with being courageous. I identify with bravery, but sometimes heroism can seem. Like it puts them out of reach with everyone else and I'm no better than the next person, if that makes sense.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:13] right. Okay. I think I see your perspective in that. Even though it's heroic to live in the world and it takes that bravery and courage. Maybe there's a fear of being put on a pedestal and then failing. Instead of acknowledging that, you're also just another human being on this planet, trying to get through this complex human experience.
Kawan Glover: [00:19:34] and it, kind of goes back to what I was saying about the emotions and depression. Like I may have acted or I'm acting heroically, but I am not a hero. I am me. I'm a person, I'm a human and I have disabilities, but I act heroically using courage and bravery. To move on with life. And, you know, I have no problem with people calling me a hero.
I just don't self-identify as a hero
Damaged Parents: [00:20:01] right. Yeah. No. And I'm trying to, I just wanted to understand a little bit about that because I think I do agree in that it is heroic to do those things, to get up every day and participate in this world. That's. That's difficult to participate in, even without a disability and with a disability it's just a little bit harder or sometimes a lot harder.
Right. So, so I could see where using the term hero could, could mean a pedestal. And I'm definitely if. As any human is going to fall off that pedestal at some point. So I would rather have heroic actions then be a hero. Is that makes sense?
Kawan Glover: [00:20:48] Absolutely. And I think also a disabled community when people are doing something with the disability often are in a place where they empathize with other people. And it's difficult for them to say, I'm a hero cause I did this, but what about this person with this disability? And then I also think.
They feel like calling him a hero was taken away from some of the everyday heroes, like policemen and firefighters and things like that. Like, I'm just doing what I can with what I have around me, but there are people that go out there and save wise for living and they're the true heroes.
And a lot of times accepting or adopting the hero. There's like damaging to that humility that you develop and can kind of, Steer you down in the past, but, adopting the hubris that I had before all this happened. If that makes sense.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:38] I think so. I think so. Okay. So you had your stroke after the stroke is when the mask came back again. Yeah.
Kawan Glover: [00:21:46] A year later after that best about her depression. It came back again. I went into my doctor, Jonathan Sherman at GW hospital in Washington, DC. And he kind of put it down just like I tell you this, but it's growing back. It's growing bigger and faster. And instantly my mom broke down and my dad was in a room kind of holding her.
And then I guess this a heroic act. I just kind of like. Sign me up for the next surgery and everyone in the room was kind of like, you don't want to think about it or maybe contemplate or, you know, what your option. I was just like, sign me up for the next surgery. And there's something called a Messiah complex.
And I think I had gone so far into my humility or whatever you, whatever mindset I was in, then that like, you're you become. Just be like, you have to feel like a martyr. So at that point, I was just like, if I don't wake up, if I don't make it through the surgery, hopefully my story can inspire others, but I'm terrified.
I'm tired of having to deal with this. I'm not dealing with this brain mass. I'm tired of dealing with the possibility that can die from it. Like I just don't want to, I don't, I'm tired of fighting, so I'll hope my story and my sacrifice can be of inspiration to other people. And had the surgery on October 1st, 2015.
And this is where it gets a little spiritual or messianic or whatever you want to call it. Like this could be in a movie. I had a dream and I remember and I never say it differently that in between the surgery, I had a dream and it's a chapter from a book called the in-between two pages. And then this dream, I wake up in like this white void and I'm wearing a Jean jacket.
The, I used to box when I was at Maryland. So I'm throwing punches and I'm like, Aw, man, everything was working like, Oh, this is awesome. And then it starts to rain, but the rain is like black, like the color black. And it starts to rain. I stick my hand out, but it's not touching me. So then I started to float up.
And, uh, lose my human visage. So like I'll become this white figure and I'm floating up. And as I reached the top and now I'm watching this all happen from my guy, painting us canvas. One of you, when I get the tablet at canvas, I hand stops me. You're not done yet and pushed me back down and everything happens in reverse.
And then I wake up and shit I'm back here again. And that's the time. I didn't understand what that meant, but now looking back on, I'm just like, wow, my purpose wasn't done. So now I'm here having a conversation with you.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:20] Yeah, I'm glad too. So you were like, Oh crap. Now there's something more I have to do. And. Did do you think that inspired you to keep looking for things to do? Or did you see the world differently? What was going through your mind afterwards? And what did you notice in your world?
Kawan Glover: [00:24:38] well, immediately afterwards, it was immense amount of pain, like on a scale from one to 10, it was like a 37. So they had a spinal tap in my brain. And it would drain fluids. But like I said, it wasn't. So after the second surgery in no third surgery in 2017, where I started to put the bees together to do something during that time, you know, after that surgery, they put me, on, Oxycontin and Verisign and things like that.
So I. I, I joined the then to an addiction, which was shielding me from accepting or interacting with, or counteracting a trauma that was living in my mind and body. Then I was able to kick that habit, cold Turkey. And then I went on to finish college and then it grew back and I was just, Oh my God, like, how did it keep happening?
Damaged Parents: [00:25:27] so 2016, you had a surgery.
Kawan Glover: [00:25:29] 2015.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:30] 15. Yeah. Sorry about that. 2015, you had the surgery and then they give you all these opiates and you become addicted. How did you know you were addicted?
Kawan Glover: [00:25:41] It was really certainly interesting. I remember one moment. What was that like a party and I looked in my jeans pocket and that was a pill bottle. And I remember just being like, Oh, well let me pop these and make a few. And our sat outside of the party. And I kind of just slumped over and it was just like, I was taking that Percocet whenever I felt like I was getting too close to my real feeling.
And it was more like a psychological dependence, more so than our physical dependence, like the chemical need for them. It was like just a form of extreme escapism. And that's when I knew. Well, there was that mind that the voice, again, that, that drive for success. And it was just like, Yeah, this isn't going to serve it in the long run.
You can't get what you need to get to if you're doing this and what's got louder and louder and louder. And then one day I just flushed everything, gave myself no option to do it anymore, not just had to suffer. And that's where I'd tell, you know, the emotional drop-off was really hard and I wrote a suicide letter and luckily I had people around me to stop me from doing it.
But. You know, when I no longer had that barrier for my emotions, I just had to face that all at one time. It's like, if you're numb from pain and you constantly getting beat up at some point, you have to feel that pain. And, you know, okay. When one wave, but, uh, it was a difficult journey, but I was able to kick everything cold Turkey and absorb the pain.
I cried myself and being able to deal with that. And you know, and persevere and show resilience and get in there. But then the following year, that was 2016. When I kicked that addiction. The following year, I had that mass grow back. And here we go again.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:23] right. So, so real quick though, when you were taking that medicine, you did have real physical pain, it sounds like, and you had emotional pain and at some point it sounds like what you're saying is your need for the medication. And when you would take it shifted from. When you were feeling that physical pain to that emotional pain, and then you were just trying to numb it.
Am I getting, am I on the right track?
Kawan Glover: [00:27:47] Absolutely. Because when I got our in the hospital in the first couple of weeks, I was on a scheduled medication and all of a sudden posed to be taking it. When I got back to school. And I had to face other people into interacting they had questions like that's when I found the script in my desk for Percocet.
And that's when I started abusing the opioids.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:07] so it was really hard for you to face these people asking questions.
Kawan Glover: [00:28:12] Yeah, because the, like, I just was tired of answering the questions and then I didn't have any real credible answers. I still wasn't at a point where I was paying attention to what the doctors were saying about my prognosis. I just wanted to move on and it felt like a dead weight. I was carrying around, but it was very much alive as you can see it the following year.
But It just, I I'm learning to separate myself from that, but I, I had, after, dealing with this, I realized I was never going to set myself separate myself, but I was just going to have to learn from it and find a better purpose and use my, the perspective that I developed to do something else with it.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:52] right. So when you stopped all that medicine, I'm assuming people still had questions for you. Maybe they always have questions for you. I'm not sure. I mean, what's it like a day in the life of Kawan Glover.
Kawan Glover: [00:29:05] Now some much and, you know, I can kind of be like, yeah, I can tell you your story or I can give you the book and you can read about all of this stuff that I know. From that perspective and in us, good thing by writing a book. But even after, after I stopped those pills, it was more like a self isolation where I had to face my own demons before I can go out and face the community.
The people that obviously had questions as somebody who I can tell they were even afraid to ask questions. And in that, eventually just became more vulnerable more open about my situation and the thing about people who haven't experienced any type of disability. Once they see you walking around and able to do stuff, it's like, Oh, he's fine.
But I was really struggling. And this what you call an invisible illness sometimes. And that was really the biggest struggle when people couldn't physically see you struggling because you were up and walk around being productive. But you are on edge being tormented by your own demons.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:01] Yeah, no. What were some of those demons for you?
Kawan Glover: [00:30:05] There was a constant negative voice. Like you're never going to be holding again. You're never going to have a wife, never going to be a year. You're going to be a terrible candidate for a father a year in school for disagreements. You're never going to use it. This, you get, you deserve this, those, those kinds of negative thought loops. And then, you know, it comes from being successfully driven. You often self-critical. And because of the state I was in. Those voices were amped up to a level that I didn't plan or prepare for. So it was debilitation, like I will be up and walking around and Jordan, but in my mind, the conversation will be like, you suck, like, this is all your fault.
Like, why are you here? I know why you're here because you suck. And it was just that constantly, constantly, constantly. So that was the biggest demon I had to be.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:54] Yeah. So how did you shift out of that?
Kawan Glover: [00:30:57] I don't know where it came across. Brene Brown,
yeah, I came across her book and, some of her work and her research around shame and I realized that I was shaming myself. I was not a problem. It was not, I am not the reason this happened. I am me. These things happen to me. And then I was slowly able to get a little from that shaming mindset. and to maybe I was guilty myself.
And then one day I want to say it was August of 2019. Uh, later I was laying in my bed looking number at my selling and my apartment. And in college park, I looked up and I was just like, none of this is my fault. These things happened to me. And I had no control of them ever happening and I am choosing to let them go.
And then that instant, it was just like, boom. I was just like, Oh, a weight has been lifted. And you know, I'd already started writing the book at that point, but I stopped because I was just like, who wants to read this crap? And then that moment, I was just like, I have to finish the story because there's something here.
But someone else me, me, I saw somebody say this. And I think it resonates for me. I'm an open book because I never know who's going to need their chapter. So I put all my chapters in my book and I gave it to the world.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:12] that's awesome. I love that. That, that resonates with me too. In fact, it reminds me I interviewed a Sahara Lee and she wrote a poem called Tattered Cover. That talks about how, uh, she didn't. In the poem, it talks about how she didn't want a title on her book, because then you could decide what that book, what she meant to you.
Right. Because it's going to be different for each person that, that you come into contact with. So it was a, it's a really neat poem. If you have a chance, she's one of the first few episodes on the podcast. And she actually reads it to us in her with her inflection. I don't know how much you love poetry, but I thought that was a really, really neat poem.
So I think that when you're struggling with these demons, so 2019 is after the last surgery, right. When you finally are like, okay, I'm gonna, I gotta step out of this, this mess now. I'm thinking those thoughts came back off and on. Because when we were talking earlier, you're still finding your balance is what you said.
So I'm thinking that once a decision is made and you know which direction you're going, sometimes you still end up your mindset back in that, that not fun place and you have to shift back. How do you do that?
Kawan Glover: [00:33:26] definitely a interesting balancing act. Because your mind has that negativity bias and that was meant for you to survive. So when something doesn't go as well as I expected, sometimes your mind is just like, well, you did that. You know what happened? You know why that happened because you're not good enough.
And that that voice starts to get louder and louder and louder. But what I really become obsessed with is gratitude and, and more specifically serotonin. And that, that presence of joy that you get from just embracing their present moment, meditation, daily routine journaling. Those are the things that I do do help rebalance.
When I become unbalanced, there are days when my mind is like, what are you getting on a bed for? Like, there's nothing you need to do. They wouldn't change anyone lives. And those thoughts find me. when I am not being active, so I'm going to bed or I haven't slept well, those thoughts really creep in, and like got you now.
But I have gotten to a place to meditation practice where I'm like, you know, I'm not really interested in having to stop having them right now and they stop
Damaged Parents: [00:34:37] Okay. So. I heard a couple of things. The most interesting was meditation practice got you to the point where you could recognize thought process and say, yeah, I'm not interested in that thought right now. I'm going to let it go, basically. And then I'm wondering, like, because I heard you talk about, waking up or not sleeping well, I'm wondering if you still suffer from pain and if that also impacts that mindset
Kawan Glover: [00:34:59] I don't suffer much from physical pain, but psychological pain is registered at the same way. So when I have those negative thought loops right before bed, or as I'm falling asleep well, when I'm waking up, still groggy in the morning. It's still a certain type of pain. But you know, practicing and meditation and mindfulness and gratitude, writing down what I'm grateful for. Allows me to see that there's more to life than what I'm thinking about. And the thoughts are not my own. These thoughts on that original water, didn't come up with native people hadn't every day. but it just matters is how you show up for yourself. A lot of mirror work, a lot of introspection, a lot of conversation with myself in my head, and it becomes like when it comes to pain, when I feel physical pain, it may hurt.
But then I don't, I'm breaking down. Hmm. Why does pain feel this way? What are the receptors they give about? When I break it down to that scientifically scientific technical level, it pain is doesn't feel like pain anymore. It's what we're going to experience. I was like, that's interesting. I wonder why that hurts.
And then I'm able to have a doc press to separate from the pain and then it fades. So when I have those negative thoughts, I'm like, huh? I'm wondering where that thought came from. Let's trace it back to source.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:15] So you become curious about those negative thoughts basically. And when you become curious and you try to investigate, then you find, well, maybe there was no beginning and there's just this popped into my mind and I don't need to pay attention to it.
Kawan Glover: [00:36:28] yeah. It's almost like the more you tell yourself, not to think about. Something, the more you think about it. Well, when you say, okay, let's dive into that. It's like your thoughts cower, your negative thoughts, cowards like, Oh, he's he wants to see if there's something more, but we're not that deep. So I'm going to leave now.
Thanks. I feel very powerful and I'm able to do that.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:51] that's awesome. I hadn't thought of that. Thought before, like I, I thought about being curious about the thoughts, but I don't think I realized how often they do leave in. And I like how you're, like they thought in cowers to me, that's, a little shift in the perspective.
That makes sense to me. Okay. So you finished writing the book and everything. You I'm, I'm thinking that took courage and bravery to be vulnerable, where you really nervous and scared to put it out there, or once you put it out there, did you kind of want to hold back and be like, Oh my gosh, I just put out there who I am.
Kawan Glover: [00:37:25] yeah. When I was writing I, remember the exact date. I started July 18, 6:54 AM. 2018. And I didn't publish it till August 4th, 2020. And, you know, I thought it would take a while for Amazon to upload the book. So I have like a week to prepare and, to any rebuttal, then it's put out there and then August 5th, I got an email from Amazon.
Hey, your book is a road purchase. And I was like, no, Oh, no, no, no. And you know, a lot of things in my life that helped me get through things. It's just jumping in deep, end like, it was already out there. There was no taking it back. I wasn't about to unpublished it. And I just said, that's fine. And you know, it was amazing. Like I've had people say this should be moving.
I've had people say I can relate so much. That is to say my life I've really had those conversations in the more. You know, I hear those conversations and the value that it brings, it was like a reaffirmed, no matter how I felt about the book or my journey. That was the reason. And it came up when the dead and gave me no choice, take it away because once it was out there, I think it really started changed people's lives.
And, you know, and that's my mission, my purpose, like if I can inspire one person or rather to save one life with my story and my purpose has been served. So there was a lot of nerves. But I also got compliments on the fact that people are around, they like how did you remember so much and there were, this is what a guy.
No, I'm just, when I'm writing in a book, there were waves of like memory that I don't have access to anymore. Like how did that remember what color people are wearing at a certain time? You know, but when I put it out there, the feeling disappointed because the value I was giving to people with that book really, uh, Show me that this is what an Institute
Damaged Parents: [00:39:15] so it sounds like in some ways, owning your disability and owning your journey. And then when you put it out there, it was like, A full-on acceptance of who you've become now.
Kawan Glover: [00:39:27] Absolutely. And acceptance is the key that unlocks the door to healing. Because a lot of time we spend time denying this and avoiding it and not, you know, not facing it and accepting our reality, but once you do that, then you're going to start to heal and accept a new person or new being you become with that perspective until I talk a lot about the three keys, perseverance, patience, and perspective, I think perspective is the most powerful one because for me, it's self empathy.
Yesterday, I wasn't able to do this, but look where I am today and acknowledging the Hey I made progress. I made progress. So healing isn't except business there for healing.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:11] so I want to investigate that word healing because. I think in a lot of people's minds, healing means gaining back what you previously had and I'm not certain that's necessarily true. What are your thoughts?
Kawan Glover: [00:40:23] first of all, healing is not a destination. Healing is something that continues throughout life. There's always going to be something you're healing from because there are things in life that you don't even know damage. But healing is a journey healing doesn't mean I'm going to get my right arm a hundred percent back to help.
I mean, I, I say that I manifest that, but if it doesn't, it's not going to change me. Healing is a mental, emotional, a spiritual connection to your higher self. A healing allows you to accept, but also move forward with purpose in your journey, whatever you're healing from, like, uh, being attic healing from nag is for me in height.
Oh, a thousand days sober. And using my story about that to inspire healing is, is so deep and layer. It's not just, Hey, I'm getting back what I lost you getting back something, in spades and maybe different areas, healing doesn't have to come back to you in the way you want it to, because nothing contracts to you in a different area often including something greater.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:31] So healing may not be the physical healing that we think of, right? Like when you go to the doctor, you get a pill you expect to be healed, right. Or you have surgery and you expect to be healed. Healing is much deeper. This is what I think I'm hearing you say it is way deeper and it's on a spiritual level.
And it's about who. You were meant to become not necessarily who you thought you were supposed to become. Am I on the right track?
Kawan Glover: [00:41:57] Absolutely healing is bringing you closer to your true self. No, that is the ego. And then, self and healing brings you because you're breaking down those barriers to expectations. What you thought was supposed to happen, what you wanted to happen and to what actually is happening in what naturally you're supposed to be.
So healing gives you that much closer. To your true self
Damaged Parents: [00:42:20] I think that's, that's a really awesome perspective. Okay. If you had three tools or tips to give to the audience today of things, you would like them to most definitely walk away from our conversation with.
Kawan Glover: [00:42:33] Okay. So one, there is no such thing as the past in the future. Though the past exists in your memories, the future exists in your imagination. All there is, is the present moment live there and reep the rewards of life that are right in front of you. I think to the darkest night, often comes before the brightest morning.
And no matter how dark your night seems, no matter how desolate on despairing. That darkness feels. That's where the light shines the brightness and your morning is coming. So keep up the fight because there's always, always, always hope. And the last one is, write down a list of the five things you love the most.
And if you aren't on that list, if you're not number one on that list, or number two, depending on your religion, find out why. And then find a way to put yourself at the top of that list. So living in present moment, except the darkness look for light and love yourself.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:35] that's awesome. I'm so glad I got to have you on today. Kawan you're a light in my life right now.
Kawan Glover: [00:43:40] thank you so much for having me in to help your audience, everyone that's listening and you got some real value out of this.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:48] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damage Parents. We really enjoy talking to Kawan about how he continues to heal and give others hope. We especially liked when he explained how healing is more than physical and brings us closer to who we are meant to be.
To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged. See you then.
