S2E55: Amidst the Chaos - Losing a Baby

Korena Darnelle is a storyteller and she uses photography, writing, painting and other creative forms to tell her story and the story of others. But mainly she’s just a person seeking to leave a positive mark on this earth and to be better than she was yesterday.

Social media and contact information:

IG - korenadarnelle
www.korenadarnelle.com

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where morning loving, proud people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is a damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.

Uh, those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice.

The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them. Today, we're going to talk with Korena Darnelle. She has many roles in her life, mother, sister, wife, cousin, and more. We'll talk about how she lost her baby girl shortly after birth and how she's finding health and healing let's talk

 Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today we have with us Korena Darnelle she is a storyteller who uses photography, writing, painting, and other creative forms to tell her story and the story of others. But mainly she says, she's just a person seeking to leave a positive mark on this earth and to be a better her than she was yesterday. You can find her on Instagram. @KorenaDarnelle, K O R E N A D A R N E L L E or on her website at https://KorenaDarnelle.com. Korena Welcome to the show.

[00:02:35] Korena Darnelle: Hi, thanks for having me.

[00:02:37] Damaged Parents: No problem. Yeah. We're in with the listeners today. We're just going to blow it out of the water. We're talking from a parking lot and we love parking lots because that means cars and usually cars mean podcasts. And that means that people are listening right.

[00:02:54] Korena Darnelle: Yes. Yes.

[00:02:56] Damaged Parents: I got it. You know, I got to throw it in there somewhere.

if you guys hear anything, it's not your car, it's probably us, or maybe it is yours. We don't know. So anyway, but Korena is here to talk about a struggle. And when asked on the form, what her struggle is, she said entering 2022 without her baby girl. And I think. Can only imagine what that struggle is like, would you like to fill us in on, on what happened Korena?

[00:03:24] Korena Darnelle: Oh, well, the, I guess the shortest version of it would be that last year, My husband and I, we were expecting our third daughter, Maura and she was born on July 9th, 2021. But what happened is she was born with a condition known as Duodenal atresia and she required surgery. Now we all were expecting maybe three to four week window where she would be in the hospital.

So we, we kind of were prepared for that. We got our other girls prepared for that. But what happened and didn't go quite as expected. So she would have had the surgery a little later than we bargained for, because I actually had a uterine rupture with her and she had three critical days in which to we weren't sure if she was going to survive.

She did survive that. And. After she was stable, the doctor was not available at the time to do the surgery. So we have to wait another two weeks. So by the time she had her surgery to correct the issue with her Duodenal atresia, which basically is their connection to her stomach and her duodenum

it was not through and through. So she couldn't eat or take any breast milk or anything? No breast milk, no formula until that was resolved because she would just end up bringing it back up because there was a blockage with her stomach, so that needed to be corrected. She having surgery at a month old. And then we were given a possible four to six week timeline now, Okay.

We were all right with that. And I was hoping she would have been able to come home for my birthday, which would have been In August. What happened on August 31st is she needed to be rushed back to surgery. She ended up having an infection. And they rushed her back to surgery. It was a explorative surgery.

And then three weeks after that surgery, she subsequently would have died. No, with this second surgery, she had, we were told that the first surgery, everything was good, everything was, pretty much textbook all as well, but. You know, in a couple of weeks, three weeks later, she had to have that second surgery.

And when she had that second surgery, there was no damage to her legs. they, would have damaged her. main arteries to her legs.

[00:05:59] Damaged Parents: In the second surgery, they damaged the legs. Okay. The arteries to the legs. Okay.

[00:06:06] Korena Darnelle: Yeah. So she had major swelling in her legs. She couldn't really move them, especially new right leg. There were lots of toes that, really didn't look well. There wasn't much blood circulation and everything like that. So then it was dealing with that'. And at that point I made a decision with my husband and said, well, we need her to get to somewhere else.

But we were fighting in terms of trying to get the. doctor information in terms of trying to get all of your medical records and then trying to get organized with another hospital that we were trying to raise the funds. Then we were trying to open a bank account here, which took another period of time.

So basically I would say we ran out of time. To be able to get her there. I was hoping to get her there by the Thursday and she would have died the Tuesday of that week on September 21st, in the morning. She, she just, she couldn't fight anymore, I guess. And yeah, she would have left us then on that day.

[00:07:11] Damaged Parents: And, what is a uterine rupture?

[00:07:13] Korena Darnelle: So basically what would have happened is while I was pregnant with her, it is that my uterus pretty much, I guess, nonmedical term, my uterus would have. Exploded are broken or torn or whichever of those terms. So she pretty much got expelled into my stomach. No, a lot of babies don't survive that. But she did ' cause she, she was, she was extremely strong, beautiful, young, extremely strong to survive that rupture, managed to beat all the odds.

Because when you duodenal atresia, that's normally a sign that it's normally not isolated case. Usually children that have duodenal atresia also have things like down syndrome and stuff, but she didn't have that either. Although that's what we were preparing for. She, she managed to survive the three days, which would have been most critical.

She managed to survive that she managed to survive the first surgery. She managed to survive the second surgery. But I think by that time she, her fight, her fight was left. was gone and she was, she was tired and both her dad and I would have had a conversation with her. And, we explained to her that as much as we want her here, we don't know.

How much pain she's actually in or how tired. She really is. And we've had that conversation with her more than once but I think this time was the most critical. And I think the part that hurt me the most about it is that I think she was still continuing to fight. Cause we would have told her, well, it's up to you.

If you want to stay here with mommy and daddy and finally get to go home and meet your sisters, that's that you, but if, you were too tired and you don't have anything left, then we won't hold it against you. It's okay. Because you, you fought so hard. But what happened was her stats when we came, cause we got the call, we were home and we got the call to come back to the hospital and we, we rushed to get there.

We literally ran up the stairs and I was able to hold her. And I was talking to her, singing to her, when I was telling, talking to her and telling her all of that, and her stats started to go up slowly. And I said to her, okay, baby girls. So it looks like if you're going to keep fighting as if you're keep going to keep fighting, mommy is going to be here with you every step of the way to keep fighting.

And I think the critical thing that changed all of that was when doctors came, it was. two something in the morning. And the doctors came for some unknown reason to me and they wanted to draw blood, at that time in the morning. in order to do that, they needed to put her back in the incubator.

And one of the things that we established in our connection, she knew that normally when she's put back in the incubator, mummy's getting ready to go home. And she won't see mommy until the next day. And I think that in her mind, I think it was okay. Mommy's going home. Mommy's not staying. And I don't have enough energy to hold out till tomorrow.

And I mean, my husband tells me not to take that on, but I do because part of me will always feel like if I should have told the doctors, no, not right now. Not, you don't need to draw blood at two in the morning, not right now. There's nothing you can do at this time. The lab, there's nothing they can do.

Like, just give me the time with my daughter, that will always go down in my mind as something that I wish. I had told them. Okay. No, not right now because I, I personally think that to, to watch her stats slowly, going back up as we were singing and talking, I was talking to her. And then in that moment, when they took her out of my hand and placed her back into the incubator, her status that had no gradually gone back up to 71, suddenly just went right down to 30 and then just kept dropping

For me, that will always be one of those things where I wish I had made a different decision.

[00:11:17] Damaged Parents: Right. Yeah. I mean, I just sitting here thinking as a, as a mom also, I think I would also feel like it was my fault a little bit, because I didn't say no. oh, So taking on that, that feeling, I mean, you're, so you're dealing with the injury of the rupture and at the same time that worrying about your newborn daughter and what's happening, I mean, what were your emotions like?

[00:11:46] Korena Darnelle: A roller coaster. It definitely was a roller coaster because like when we got pregnant with her when we got pregnant with Amara, like it was, it was kind of okay. Not expected, not, not, not going according to the plan that we would have had with the other two. And then it's like, okay, she's here.

Everything's going well. And then we have the anomaly scan and the guy said, Oh, he saw some things there, but it's gone. Okay. Everything's fine. so we, you know, we were going through all of this and then in 30 weeks or so 28 weeks started meets me fine. Okay. Everything is not fine. So it's no preparing for that preparing for the likelihood, oh, she may have down syndrome.

She may have. All of these different things. And then what happened too is we were scheduled to go in for surgery, but then, what happened? They said, okay, well we can wait it out Then when? I was supposed to going to surgery on July 2nd, we had a hurricane come the island. So then it was pushed back another week. so I never carried a baby for 40 weeks. All of my children have come early. So I was in a, in a tailspin, like, okay, I really don't know what's happening. I've never carried a baby for so long. And I'm excited to meet her. And I'm literally second in line for my surgery, but what happened is the doctor was late.

All of these other things that could have gone wrong did go wrong. It's like, okay, like there's a half an hour window where I'm supposed to go up, but because things run late with the other lady surgery as well, too, there wasn't enough time. And then, it's like, okay, my body could not take it anymore.

And I, I had a rupture. So then it was scrambling for everybody to get me there. So I was dealing with that dealing. Waking up now in the recovery room and knowing, okay, my child is not in my stomach anymore. It's like, where the heck is she? You

[00:13:49] Damaged Parents: Oh, so you were out when?

[00:13:52] Korena Darnelle: I was out completely. I saw, I remember it was six pairs of eyes looking at me and saying, okay, you're going to go to sleep.

Now, my husband wasn't able to enter the room, which was the first time that that had ever happened. So I'm just trying to keep my mind positive, but, struggling with. And then it's like I said, waking up, touching my stomach, knowing even before I touched my stomach, knowing that she's not there.

Not knowing if she was a she or not, not knowing, being, not having my husband there. And then it's like, okay, nurse, where's my husband. And , I'm not getting a clear answer as to where he is. They're saying they're trying to find him. And then I solve any doctor came into the room and then the doctor.

I overheard the nurse telling the doctor don't go to her until y'all find her husband. I was like, that doesn't sound right. And then they finally came over to me. And when I saw my husband's face, I was like, okay, something is terribly wrong. So then they filled me in on her and then it was two for me.

It wasn't really concerned for me. It was, I need to get down to NICU to see my baby girl, so then that became the thing. And then she made it through those first three days, and then it was the whole waiting game, but I was always optimistic. Okay. Well, she's going to have the surgery once she comes out of the surgery, she'll be fine.

And looking back on it and now is like, feeling like if everything was all alight in a sense. I mean, none of it was anything anybody could have planned or anybody could have predicted. It was just literally how the whole thing went, and then it was every day for me going up there having to leave my other two girls at home because school wasn't on. Build partially on lockdown. And because he locked down, they weren't letting like we normally would have had two visiting times at the hospital that wasn't happening. My husband and I said, go into the, room the same time you have to wear mask. So it was this whole thing, leaving my other two girls home to go to rush, to go to the hospital to only get, I would say about an hour windows. To see her every day, which was just my main thing. So it wasn't really a concern for me and what I was dealing with. It was okay. I need to make sure that my baby girl sees me, knows me, hears my voice knows to keep fighting, knows to keep holding on, and then to watch her, they're not being able to give her any breast milk and she, she was trying so hard to get it, because that's also one of the things that goes with me that she never, she never got the taste, any breast milk, so it's, it's all of that. It was , a whole roller coaster, but I guess like 99% of it was, well, no, I would say about 80% was concerned with her. The other 20 was concerned with my other two girls and how they were managing how they were dealing, not having mommy.

There, but knowing they were with daddy. So there they're old cave, but rushing to do with the one That had no one, none of her family there. The older sisters used to send low voice notes. So after a while they started playing the voice notes for Amara to hear, you know, and she started to smile and looking forward to it.

So we were all expecting her to go home. So to becoming home with us. Then when that second surgery happened, it was like, okay, ? what happening? You know? And then dealt start to surfacing your mind then. It just became a thing, but we were still always optimistic. Okay. She's coming home. We, we got the crib set up, we got everything ready, her big.

Sister's telling her when come home, I'm looking forward to you coming home. We could feed you and then having to break the news to them. Okay, well, your sister's going to come home, but her legs she might not be able to run like how you all are able to run because it came down to thing now. There was talk of amputating a few of the toes and stuff like that because of the lack of blood flow, and it just became so much, it's like, how did, this one perfect pregnancy.

And just start to, I mean, a whole hurricane came, Everything the doctor has made the surgery that they had planned ahead of me, that went over by a half an hour. It's like how many bad things really, that starts to happen. And then the worst of it all being she was no longer here with us and she never got to come home,

[00:18:20] Damaged Parents: Hmm.

[00:18:21] Korena Darnelle: it was a world rollercoaster still is.

[00:18:24] Damaged Parents: That was going to be my next question. How did you keep moving forward?

[00:18:28] Korena Darnelle: Oh,

I didn't some days. I literally paused. There were some days I was just not there. I was just in my bed, bawling my eyes out, crying out, wanting to know why, why her, why me? Why my family, why, why my other two young girls who are four, five and under, why do they have to deal with this? Why does my second girl not get the opportunity to know what's it like to actually be a big sister?

I mean, she is, she always will be a Amara's big sister, but she doesn't know his, like to hold her to, to play with or to watch or to get to boss around somebody. it was a whole big thing. Some days, I still going to be tail spin about it, but then other times when I want to quit, I remember that, Amara fought every single day.

She fought from her first breath until her last. she was fighting. she fought to. To make it through those first 72 hours of life, even though everything was stacked against her, she fought to make it through that surgery, which the first surgery, but she aced with flying colors,

[00:19:43] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:19:44] Korena Darnelle: and, she did it well, like she fought to make it through that second surgery, even when her heart stopped.

And she literally did die on the table, she fought and she came back. Even with her legs being messed up, even with her stomach still being messed up, she fought through that. And then even in the three weeks following. She kept fighting even though infection, after infection was coming after her.

She fought through that up until the end up until when she was looking in my eyes and I was holding her in my arms and I was telling her, if you have anything left mummy is going to be here with you and I will fight with you. But if you are too tired and you need to go, then that's okay too. We won't hold it against you.

And she fought every day. So when I want to give up and when I want to quit and when I want to be like, I'm too tired, I remember that she gave her all, she gave everything that she had, and she left that as a story for her sisters. She left that as a story for me and her dad, cause I used to send family updates every day to the grandparents, to my, brother and everything to my husband, because I was the one that was up there every single day with her. Sometimes he has to stay home and then the girls, the other girls, they couldn't come in to the hospitals. So they had to go by their grandparents' house.

But I was the one there every day. And able to see the many things to do battle with the doctors, the nurses, when they weren't listening to me. So whenever I think about that, even with her fighting, when I was like Amara no, you can't get any breast milk and she's literally pulling on my shirt.

Many doctors are saying, well, she's going to have to remain on the oxygen for a bit. and then two days later she will pull it out and be wearing it like a necklace. And then they're like, oh, well, I guess we can leave it off now, even after the second surgery and she had a tube in, after a while Amara was like, you know what, people, I don't need this as she pulled it out, she had an NG tube in her nose. She would pull that out. Like she had so much fight in her and every time they were going to say, she's not going to make it, are, she might have this other thing, Amara would come through and show them, oh yes, I can move my legs. I might not be able to move them like before, but I can move my legs.

Watch this. Oh, no, I don't want this tube in my throat. I'm going to pull this out. So mommy could see me breathing, there was also a time where they were, they thought because of the lack of oxygen she had started to have seizures. This is from the uterine rupture and her being expelled in my stomach and they felt she would have had cerebral palsy and she has some seizures and stuff.

And I remember there was a day that I was there and she did this thing where her eyes, I called it crazy. I. couldn't deal with it. Like I couldn't, even be looking at her eyes doing this. And I'm like, no, you do nothing is wrong with you. nothing is wrong with you. And I remember saying to her, I said, Amara nothing's wrong with you?

And I want you to look at me with those big brown eyes. And if you need more time for your eyes to, you know, Then you close them, but the next time you look at mummy, you open those big brown eyes and you stare straight at mine. Otherwise you just keep them closed for a little bit longer and you rest them.

And two days after me having that conversation with her, she opened her eyes and she stared at me and they were the biggest brown eyes. I can remember seeing my husband's, like Korena, she got a big brown eyes I was like, have you looked at my eyes suddenly? You know, He was like, you and I'm like, Yeah.

that's where she got them from. I remember things like that and how much she fought, like I have to remember to keep fighting. I have to remember when I told her no Amara you're not getting any breast milk. You got to get this surgery and everything to get worked out. As she pulled on my shirt, she's pulling, I mean, she had my shirt grumbled up.

I'm like, no, you can't, you can't have any. And she goes, "mmm" and I was like, you're giving me back chat already. Are you talking bad about mommy already? And she goes, she had her face frowned up and everything. Like, let me, how dare you say I can't get breast milk. I can smell it. I know they're I want them, so I try to, I try to hold on to that, or like a time when literally me and a nurse were fighting her because she would not let go of the NG.

tube Baby's grip is something else. It took two of us and we are trying to get the thing. I don't like Amara, let it go, come on now. Let it go. And she's turning it off. I'm like, no, no, let it go. You need to have that in your nose. And it took two of us to get this out of her hand. So like when I remember stuff like this, I have to remember.

I still have my other two girls and they want to know about their sister. They want to know who she is. They want to know what she dealt with. They want to know why. And I have to be able to tell them, I have to be able to remind them that she fought that hard. I can't be telling them don't quit and don't give up.

And then I go and quit I can't tell them don't quit. Don't give up and have such a perfect example of Amara, not quitting. And then I go and quit. And I remember this is even before this situation had happened. My oldest, there was a time that she said to me out of the clear blue sky, maybe she had a premonition of what was to come, but she said, mommy, you can't quit.

And I was like, huh what do you mean? She's like, you know, you, you say you can't that we can't quit, but you know, you can't quit. And I said, but sometimes mommy's tired. And she said, but that's all right, mommy, you could pause for a bit. I said, I can pause. She's like yeah And then you rest up and then you go again.

Cause you know, like when I fall down you will tell me, get up and dust off and I could go again. And I'm like, Yeah,

And she's like, so you can't quit. And I said, but you know, sometimes mommy's really, really tired. She's like that's okay, you can't quit because if you quit, daddy's going to quit and then I'm going to quit and we can't have that.

So you can't quit. Pause mommy but don't quit and I remember that as well, so there was a time I came very, cause I really, I was tired. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to eat. I was just hurting, cause it's like, how can my baby girl be gone? She was supposed to be the last addition to the family and we've gone through all of this trauma and she survived so many things.

And then this to be the end result, like, how could this happen? And I remembered while my oldest said, and I said, okay, well, I can't quit then. And then that's what inspired me to start back my painting. Cause I had stopped that for a fair, fair amount of time. So I started back painting and I used that to help me channel it mainly abstract. But I use that to help me channel. I started back my photography doing what I call daily life segments. So nothing posed or nothing like that. It's literally going into a person's home. Documenting them spending real time with their family, not getting dressed up, nothing like that. If you sit though home and you watch TV with your children or you're eating breakfast, or you're having your baking cookies, or maybe it's a Sunday afternoon and you guys go to church or you go to the beach or you're just lazy about home.

I document that as it is, I think Amara. At losing Amara is what has reinspired me in a sense to dig deeper and dig beneath the surface and find back those creative things that can not only help me, but to help others because other families have lost loved ones and, other families may lose loved ones in the future.

how about If I can capture their story while the family members are all together while they're still here while they're playing with each other while they're snuggling or sharing kisses or tickles. And like, if I can do that for them, if I can document a first day of school where you're actually getting ready, you're putting ribbons in your little girl's hair you're brushing your little boys hair or you're getting them dressed or you're sharing a first bath. Or you're breastfeeding or, all of those first stuff people do with their babies or they are things that they do with their children or they do with their partners. It's, if I can offer them that, then why not?

[00:28:47] Damaged Parents: it sounds like, losing Amara has somehow given. You were springboard to recognize the beauty in , what most people would consider mundane things, things , that we don't normally pay attention to. before we go, if someone is in this, like has a similar struggle to what you went through, what would be the top three tools or tips you would say, try this.

[00:29:13] Korena Darnelle: Oh, cry, scream, yell as much as you can, as often as you can, when you can. Not for anybody else, but for yourself, because if you keep it bottled in, it's going to come out at some point. And when you least expect it could come out in a supermarket, it could come out, it could come up where you don't want it to.

If you get in the habit of releasing it, even in little pieces, release it ' because it helps it hurts, but it helps. So that would be my first thing. If you can find something constructive to do for me, I went back to my, my roots of the arts. I write, I paint, I do photography, it doesn't have to be that.

But if you can find something, even if it's learning a new language, even if it is, doing something, building something, do something constructs, cause that's another outlet for you to get it out. It could even be fitness. It could even be learning martial arts or going and play basketball or volleyball or some sport or just exercising.

And I think that helps. And the third thing is to talk to somebody else that you trust that you love, that will not correct you. That would allow you to say what you need to say that would allow you to say, it's my fault. I allow you to be humble, allow you to be vulnerable, but also allow you to be dark, to also allow you to get out your, your, your darkness, words, and emotions, and to share them.

And. These three things are all, all leading to the same path, which is release. But I think these three areas, whether it be screaming, yelling, crying, whether it be, something creative, such as craft or fitness or something. Talking, oh, everything that you feel. I think those three things helping you release and helping you get it out, allows you to clear your thoughts allows you to free your heart and allows you to get the sanity that you need.

And to get back that place of balance. And especially the last one, in terms of talking to someone, it doesn't necessarily have to be a professional, but a professional might best know how to guide you or direct you. But if you have a partner as well, or a good friend that is not going to be like, oh, but you said this already, or, somebody that, that will truly allow you to.

Air it out. I think that would be the most critical thing to helping you because it is a struggle. And I can't say. I have overcome. I don't think I'll ever be able to say I'll overcome. I think I am taking it minute by minute, day by day. But I think what is helping me is that at the end of it, I've told myself that there has to be some good amidst the chaos.

So I'm trying to find that I'm trying to find the good, maybe it's encouraged somebody else. Who's going through the same thing. Maybe it is because I needed a push to do things differently. Like I finally dyed my hair purple and I wanted to for the longest while. And I finally done that and, do I wish.

Above everything else that I have Amara and I was able to watch her girl and play with her sisters and to breastfeed her and stuff like that. I would give anything to have her here and to have that opportunity with her, but I can't change time. All I can do is exist in the time that I have now. Take the lessons that she's given me.

And she, basically said to me, mummy, I'm going to live my life to the fullest. And I can honestly say that she did that. So why can't I, so with, I want to dye my hair purple or blue, I'm going to do it. If I want to cut it, I'm going to do it. If I want to find the right that song and sing it for the world to hear.

And it, even if it were to be a one hit wonder, or maybe it's no hit, I can do it because. I need to live my life to the fullest amidst chaos, and find the good in spite, the chaos and find peace within the chaos.

[00:33:54] Damaged Parents: I love, love, love your perspective. I'm so glad I've gotten to have you on the show. You guys can find Korena on Instagram @korenadarnelle, or on her website at https://korenadarnelle.com. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your struggle, even while you're in. in the midst of it.

I'm so grateful for your vulnerability and dedication to sharing that. It's okay to struggle.

[00:34:24] Korena Darnelle: Thank you. Thank you for having me and allowing me to share my story. And I hope it, it helps even if just one other person that's in the same place.

[00:34:34] Damaged Parents: Definitely.

Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents we've really enjoyed talking to Korena about how she saw the strength and love from her daughter.

We especially liked when she spoke about how she's honoring those memories by following through with her dreams. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then