S2E51 - The Ritual Queen
Theresa Tirk is a Published Author, Certified Life Coach, Reiki II Energy Healer, and Certified Aromatherapist. She is dedicated to helping women everywhere awaken to their own validation and strength so they can be confident in themselves and build a life they desire and deserve. She began coaching after her own journey of self-discovery through a battle with depression and anxiety. She believes in the power of mindset shifts and creating daily rituals that have massive impact on your life. She is the author of Uncensored: A guide to putting on Your big girl panties, the CEO of The Ritual Queen LLC and host of The Ritual Queen Podcast.
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Podcast Transcript
[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where depressed, anxious, healing people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than. Like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?
My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me. To be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials.
But because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Theresa Tirk we'll talk about how she struggled with depression and anxiety and how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Theresa Tirk she's a published author, certified life coach Reiki, Reiki, whichever way you want to say it. Energy healer and certified aroma therapist. She's dedicated to helping women everywhere, awakened to their own validation and strength so that they can be confident in themselves and built a life they desire and deserve.
She is the author of Uncensored. A guide to putting on your big girl panties. She's also the CEO of The Ritual Queen, LLC, and the host of The Ritual Queen Podcast. You can find her on her website at https://theritualqueen.com or on social media at @theritualqueen. Thank you so much for coming on the show, Theresa.
[00:02:37] Theresa Tirk: Well, thank you so much for having me. I'm honored to be here.
[00:02:40] Damaged Parents: Okay. I've got to know, even before we get into your struggle. And this actually, you might have to answer by explaining the struggle. How in the world did you come up with the ritual queen?
[00:02:50] Theresa Tirk: That's a funny story. It actually it was from the very first coach that I ever worked with and we were doing a session one day and I was telling her like all these little things that I do to kind of keep myself on track. Okay. Calm and, from spiraling out of control. And as I'm explaining it to her, she starts laughing and I'm like, what's so what are you laughing at?
And she's like, you're like a queen of rituals and it just kind of stuck.
[00:03:17] Damaged Parents: So it sounds like we're going to learn about how those rituals came to be and how they helped you.
[00:03:23] Theresa Tirk: Absolutely.
[00:03:24] Damaged Parents: Okay. All I know about your struggle at this point, is that I've got a sentence, one sentence overcompensating for what I liked in childhood, releasing the wounds, inflicted by my parents, all the limiting beliefs that they put on me.
clearly this started in childhood, but what did that look like?
[00:03:44] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. So like probably most listeners I grew up in a state of chaos and dysfunction and, my mother, the 16 year old, when she had me and she moved out of state and moved to an army base with my father and that lasted, like a hot minute and she was back home. So like I never even met him until I was 13 years old.
So that in itself was, a traumatic thing for a child. And then it was a series of different guys in and out. And she finally landed on my first stepfather when I was probably, I don't know, three or four. But it's always been drugs and alcohol, like that has been the poison of choice for her and anybody that she's ever been with.
And that just led to some pretty messed up stuff growing up,
[00:04:40] Damaged Parents: So growing up, were you taking care of her?
[00:04:43] Theresa Tirk: Yeah, sure. I kind of adopted this, like people pleasing Mentality is like my survival mechanism because like chaos and fighting. And like I still, to this day, it's something I worked through, but I still really shy away from that.
it's a trigger like fighting and just loud, crazy, uncontrollable situations are a very big trigger for me. so. I had really just kind of taken on this, I guess like a parental role of trying to make sure that everybody around me could remain like happy. And I felt that if I kept everybody else around me, happy by doing whatever they needed, whatever they wanted, regardless of how it affected me, that I could usher in some peace.
Within my environment. And that's what I was striving for, which of course, when you're dealing with that sort of situation and people that are, you know, addicts, there is no non chaos in the place.
[00:05:47] Damaged Parents: Right. Gosh, I wish there was none chaos. That would be nice, but I mean, so it sounds like for you people pleasing, was more than just making them happy. It was trying to make everything go smoothly so that they never got to that point.
[00:06:03] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. It was always like trying to keep focus off of myself because , I seem to be a trigger point for them. Right. So if I wanted something or, if something happened in my life good or bad, it would start a fight or. I would be blamed for wanting something that , I couldn't, we couldn't do , just what came to mind for example was when I was probably, I don't know, 14 or 15, I had done auditions for miss teen USA in our local region.
And my aunt, who is my blessing is the one that took me in and did it all with me. And then when I was picked to be a part of the program and I was so excited and, telling them about it, it became like this, you would have thought I was asking for the world. It just became this huge thing that they couldn't believe that I would ask for something like this that was going to, costs time and money.
And it just became this big thing.
[00:07:11] Damaged Parents: So it wasn't like they were afraid because it was going to cost time and money. It was, this is going to cost time and money, which is, bad.
[00:07:19] Theresa Tirk: yes.
[00:07:20] Damaged Parents: Got it.
[00:07:21] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. , that was probably one of the first instances I can remember, actually trying to get something that, of that magnitude, from them and it'd be okay.
[00:07:32] Damaged Parents: So it was the first time you were trying to meet your needs and just needed some support. And then that support just fell through.
[00:07:42] Theresa Tirk: absolutely. Yeah. It was like hammered down,
[00:07:45] Damaged Parents: Right. Like basic needs were being met, or were they.
[00:07:48] Theresa Tirk: I had a house, I had a roof over my head and, for the most part, I mean, there were times where food was a scarcity, but for the most part, yeah, I would say, I guess those basic living survival needs were met. I mean, there were instances where things got a little sketchy, but. For the most part, yes.
I was lucky in the aspect that I had an aunt and uncle that I could always fall back on
And not everybody has that. So I know that, I was very blessed in that aspect.
[00:08:21] Damaged Parents: did that just end up totally falling apart or did you get to do it.
[00:08:24] Theresa Tirk: No, it just, it.
was dead in the water.
[00:08:27] Damaged Parents: That sounds like it was a pivotal point for you.
[00:08:29] Theresa Tirk: You know, I never really thought about it until this moment. , it's weird for me because I've kind of been told, I have memory gaps and that goes back to childhood trauma and PTSD stuff that stems from that. So it's weird how one conversation can spark a memory and bring something up and, oh my God, I remember that now that happened.
And I didn't understand that for the longest time. So just for anybody listening, I don't know. I just want to say, , if you.
have memory trouble, my family laughs at me and they're like, oh my God, mom can't remember anything. Right. And So it's this laughing, ongoing joke at our house.
But, once I really started talking to my therapist about it, She was like, well, that's normal because you have memory gaps in memory loss, because of all of the suppressed stuff that you've had to push away to kind of survive and get through things. So if you struggle with memory loss, just know that you're not like losing it.
It's normal. It's just part of the process.
[00:09:26] Damaged Parents: So you're learning to be okay with that, but , did it, hold on. I had, I was there and I lost it just a second here. Ah, so now as these things come up, let's see if you could explain, let's say this came up before you kind of had permission for it to go. I don't know if that's the right word, I think if somebody were to tell me that I would, and I didn't think it was okay.
Maybe now I would have permission to look at it. But what happened before you had that? Would these things come up or would you just have a memory lapse and then compared to now.
[00:10:01] Theresa Tirk: I think the way that I would answer that would be, I spent several decades of my adulthood. Remaining in that state of people-pleasing. And not allowing myself the permission to acknowledge things that happened and to heal through them and to go through the forgiveness process and everything that it takes to, like, I didn't even start therapy until I was in my late thirties.
Well, one, a lot of my issues. I never linked back to childhood until I started therapy. Right. And I, it wasn't until like, I really hit this massive, severe bout of depression and anxiety that I finally reached out for help and began learning that, everything that I went through.
Is what was causing all of these underlying issues that I was having. So I would say that before I gave myself the permission to begin that healing process, if something would come up that would trigger a memory or trigger something, I reverted to my standby of pushing it down and taking focus off of it because I didn't want focus on me.
[00:11:22] Damaged Parents: Okay. And so now it comes up. Like you said that you hadn't really thought about that memory and it, came up in this interview and now you're like, now I can work on that.
[00:11:34] Theresa Tirk: yeah.
[00:11:35] Damaged Parents: And I think that's really beautiful because now it doesn't have to be, I'm going to distract myself with all this other stuff, but I also don't see you falling apart going, oh, we need to end this interview.
[00:11:49] Theresa Tirk: Yeah
[00:11:50] Damaged Parents: Like, did it,
[00:11:52] Theresa Tirk: years to get to this point.
[00:11:53] Damaged Parents: Thank you for pointing that out. I was about to ask like how long, I'm sure as they start thinking as they started to come up, it was probably scary.
[00:12:02] Theresa Tirk: Yeah, there's times where it still is. I mean, and even that one, it was, immediate light, like a little, should I be talking about this? But then I made, mental note. Okay. Bring that up in next therapy session. Right. Whenever I kind of hit my rock bottom in my wall and I started, asking for help and stuff.
It was like I said, it was in my late thirties. I will be 40 lord helped me. I forget my age. I will be 47.
[00:12:26] Damaged Parents: happens in the forties, everybody. I think she said 47.
[00:12:32] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. I will be 47 in November. So I have been working on this. For years like this, isn't just a, it's not a quick fix.
Right. That's what I want everybody to understand.
[00:12:47] Damaged Parents: before that depression though, think what I heard from you is you didn't even think or know, you couldn't even see that there was a problem.
[00:12:53] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. Well, I mean, like I, You know, That something's wrong. Like, that, that there's something going on, but. ' cause I felt like I grew up with such a lack in such, what I refer to as like a shitty childhood, even though there were moments in it, right? Like, of course that were good, but the overall scope of it, that's how I would refer to my childhood.
And I didn't have the parental structure that I felt I needed and that I wanted. So that was my goal. In life was to grow up, meet a wonderful man, have a nice, solid, sturdy, healthy relationship. Bring children into the world and be the best damn mother I could be in my life. Like that was my goal.
I wasn't thinking about running companies being president. Like that was my goal
I achieved that goal.
[00:13:47] Damaged Parents: Yeah, but being the best possible mother
[00:13:50] Theresa Tirk: Yeah.
[00:13:51] Damaged Parents: and a people pleasing.
I mean, I'm thinking there was some struggle there too,
even though their kids like.
[00:13:58] Theresa Tirk: Nope. All being the best mother that you can be is different for everybody, right? It's such a broad statement that we say, and it has different meaning for everybody. So for me, it was just to actually be present and to be there and to meet their needs and to not make them feel bad.
And yeah, I would say that, I know that the majority of my depression and stuff like that stems from my childhood stuff, but I will say that me trying to be that best wife and mother and provide this home for them that , I never had an always wanted. Definitely added to my anxiety because I was always so stressed out about it and worried about it.
And if I would get mad about something, then I would , feel guilty about that because I'm like, oh my God, no, you're going to become your mother if you , yell at your children. Right. So it was always this constant internal battle of wanting to be. Everything for them that I didn't have, but also part of being a good mother is , not always having your children like you, when you're a people pleaser, you want everybody to like you all the time
and.
[00:15:19] Damaged Parents: the kids.
[00:15:20] Theresa Tirk: Even the kids.
And part of being a good mom is sometimes your kids, aren't going to like you like at all, and they're going to say mean things to you because they're kids. And so, yeah, that was definitely, it was definitely hard for me. And unfortunately my poor husband, God bless his soul.
Was the bad guy. A lot of the times, somebody had to be strong in that parental partnership, but yeah, he's a trooper that
[00:15:49] Damaged Parents: So, But learning that from, I mean, kids teach us who we are sometimes is what I say, going know what I think, did that help you learn to be okay with them? Not liking you sometimes? , was that part of your journey?
[00:16:04] Theresa Tirk: It was, and I mean, as hard as it was, at times to be that person, I also knew part of my job was to produce children that were , happy, healthy and productive in society and good kind people, right? Like that's what you want to pro that's what you want your children to be.
So I knew that giving into every little whim and never any discipline and, not teaching manners and right. And all of that was not going to make them into the people that, I hoped they would grow up and become. Like I said, I had my husband who definitely, kept us on the straight and narrow, but over the years, it took me time to get to that point.
But yes, , I would do what I needed to do as that good mother to produce, decent human beings, but then I'd have my own internal battle with it.
You know,
[00:17:03] Damaged Parents: So having the idea of what it meant to be a good mother helped you point your compass north, if you will. And then you can make decisions from there, but that didn't stop the battle that happened inside.
[00:17:14] Theresa Tirk: Oh, yeah, no, there was a lot of internal dialogue going on and a lot of, self-defeating back and forth conversations in my own mind. Yeah. I always just had . This fear and this struggle that, I was going to be like my mother.
And but that was just a constant, always like playing in the back of my mind.
Like, is this what you're doing right now? Is this gonna, make you be like her or your kid's going to end up growing up and, having to go through therapy because of what you're doing right now. So that was always like an internal.
[00:17:48] Damaged Parents: That's a lot of pressure. I mean, where you, it almost sounds like maybe. You weren't gentle with yourself either in those moments of
oh no, she says, oh, no.
[00:18:01] Theresa Tirk: I'm being nice to myself was not something , that I ever did. I've always been somebody that's been very hard on myself and that's just from the way I grew up.
[00:18:12] Damaged Parents: Right. Well, yeah, because it sounds like You were your own parent in a lot of ways. It sounds like. And,
[00:18:19] Theresa Tirk: And I had a little brother.
[00:18:21] Damaged Parents: oh shoot.
[00:18:22] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. He was seven years younger than me.
[00:18:24] Damaged Parents: Okay. Now I have to ask, did you basically become his parents
[00:18:29] Theresa Tirk: I did.
Now, one thing I will say about that is when the first step dad and my mother divorced, I was in, let me think. I want to say he went to prison when I was in fourth grade and I believe that I was probably somewhere around seventh grade. When they divorced. And when that happened, my brother actually went and lived with his dad. Of course we were older at that point, but it's still, we would only see him like on weekends or whenever he would come over. And, but prior to that, yes, like I carried a lot of responsibility for him. And then even. When she met husband number three and.
got married, there was a point where my brother went and was living with them.
Now, at that point, I was already moved out of the house. , I left home at 17 to go to college, went back home for a short period of time. But then by the time my brother moved in with those, my husband and I were already together with the child. Because that happened at, 21, we were babies.
But there was a point then, where he, my brother actually had to come and live with us for a couple of weeks because of, like all hell breaking loose at that house with, him fighting with the stepdad. There's just always been that level of mothering for him, I have that, I feel like responsible.
[00:19:54] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So even today, probably still, even though he's what in his, well, he probably worked 40, almost 40, right?
[00:20:04] Theresa Tirk: Thirties, born in 82. So whatever that equates to now,
we actually lost touch for probably almost 10 years.
[00:20:14] Damaged Parents: oh, wow.
[00:20:14] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. So when my son was three years old I cut my mother out of my life. It just became, it was too much. Like I just couldn't do it anymore. And my relationship with her is completely different than his relationship with her. Right. So he never really understood, my perception of it.
So when. I cut her out of my family's life, mine and my family's life. She then took it upon herself to make sure that he was like on her side. You know what I mean? So like then we had quit talking. And it wasn't for lack of trying, but at some point, I just accepted it. It is what it is.
And and then once he got older and he got married and he had a kid of his own, his wife at the time actually reached out to me for us to, like make amends because her mother-in-law was driving her insane and she needed some support. So we're back. We're good now, right? Like we've restored our relationship.
He's in our life. I'm in his, our kids, everything. So, it's good now, but there definitely was that period of disconnect.
[00:21:24] Damaged Parents: How were you able to, I mean, the wife calls you, how were you able to create a healthy relationship with your brother at that point?
[00:21:32] Theresa Tirk: I was very hesitant to even respond to her. I think she sent me a letter in the mail or something, and she introduced me to their daughter, she sent a picture of their daughter who was probably. Under a year or maybe a little over at the time. Kind of letting me know, like a little letter, letting me know what she was going through.
She was worried about their marriage because of the interference, from our mother. And, she really wanted. Me to meet my niece. And, honestly I'm not even, I don't even know if my brother knew that she had sent that, and she actually, once I finally got in touch with her, you know, I responded, we met for lunch, her and I and the baby.
And so we like kind of built that little bit of a relationship before we went, and brought my brother into it. But. I don't know if he even knew, but she had said like, she'd actually been trying to reach out for like a year through social media and stuff. But I never got it.
[00:22:27] Damaged Parents: Yeah, well, I'm thinking that would have been awkward though, to her reaching out and not him.
[00:22:33] Theresa Tirk: yeah, it was, but I also know I don't know, we just had this. There's seven years difference between us. Right? So although I always had this, motherly, responsibility And, love for him, we never really had that super strong, sibling bond. I guess it was a weird dynamic that we had and with the age difference and I said, he lived with his dad for a lot of the time and, I left home at 17 and so.
he would have still been young.
So it was just , I don't know, it was a weird dynamic between us and we never had that soup. Like I see my husband and his two sisters and , they have this incredible, sibling bond between all three of them. And that's just not something that we ever had. I mean, it's growing now, like over the years as we're older and we've reconnected, but it's still not what I see in my husband and his sister.
[00:23:31] Damaged Parents: So you were able to reconnect. I mean, was he angry? Well, I don't, it doesn't matter about him. We're talking about you. I'm going to cut that out.
[00:23:39] Theresa Tirk: It was good. It was, it was a little awkward at first, like when I went over. But it didn't last long and we just kind of moved past it and we just kind of have this unspoken role that, we don't talk about
[00:23:51] Damaged Parents: So when did these rituals start? Because you are known as the ritual queen. So was that something you use to cope throughout your entire life, or was that something that helped you to heal or maybe both.
[00:24:03] Theresa Tirk: it was,
healing.
[00:24:04] Damaged Parents: Okay.
[00:24:05] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. Like I said, in my late thirties I was really hitting like the depression and stuff, and I was probably, sorry, I'm terrible with timelines and remembering times and ages and stuff, but, it was probably like, I was probably like 40, 41. When I decided, when I started doing the therapy and.
I went on medication because it was so bad. And so I did all of that for probably like a year and a half, two years on and off, like with different meds and constant therapy. And. Then I kind of just got to the point where I was, finally feeling better. Right. I wasn't having the suicidal thoughts.
I felt more functional. And, I'm terrible with medication. I just hate taking pills. It's awful. My husband yells at me all the time because like I have blood pressure medicine. He's like, can you please just take it every day? I'm like, eh, I don't really want to. I get so bad, like I just terrible with medication.
So I knew that, I wanted some alternative options for, moving forward and That's kind of how I came into aroma therapy and that's how I found, life coaching and that's how I found Reiki. And so I started doing little morning routines. They helped kept me on track with, like meditation, journaling yoga, like these little things that just helped me stay, feeling myself and centered and focused and Yeah.
and That's just kinda how my rituals came to be.
[00:25:48] Damaged Parents: That's actually really beautiful because it sounds like taking a pill takes way less time.
[00:25:53] Theresa Tirk: It's so bad. Like even vitamins he's like, did you take your vitamins today? No.
[00:25:59] Damaged Parents: But I don't know. Maybe that's not a bad thing because there's got to clearly be something to these natural pathic ways of, or homeopathic or however you want to call it, of doing things and I'm thinking maybe you found. What the pill could not give you, you could get in these rituals of meditation and journaling and things like that.
[00:26:24] Theresa Tirk: Yeah, it was definitely like there's no way that.
they would've helped me initially. Like they would've helped me, but not, not the kind of help I needed initially.
[00:26:35] Damaged Parents: So like you had to take the medication to get to a point where
[00:26:39] Theresa Tirk: Yes.
[00:26:39] Damaged Parents: do that.
[00:26:40] Theresa Tirk: Yes. There was no way that I was in the space of being able to sit down and meditate and feel better
[00:26:49] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:26:50] Theresa Tirk: at all. I needed that medication and I needed that level of therapy initially. To get myself to a point where I felt comfortable trying my own methods.
[00:27:03] Damaged Parents: Right. I think in today's world, there's this idea that if I just take this medicine. then I'll be fine. But what I'm hearing from you is yes, I needed that medication and the therapy. So the medication, because my understanding is it starts to wear off after a little bit anyway, like it doesn't start to work as well.
[00:27:24] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. I think it depends on what you're on. Cause there's so many different things out there and that was another challenge. Like finding the right one for you, right? If you're somebody that's on depression medication, Or anxiety or whatever, and it's not working for you, make sure you're telling your physician that,
because like mine changed multiple times.
[00:27:46] Damaged Parents: Oh, wow. But so it took you a couple of years though, to get to the point where you could even be quiet for three minutes. I mean, I don't know. I'm I'm
asking, was it.
[00:27:56] Theresa Tirk: I would say that I did probably a good year of being on medication and going through therapy before I even entertained the idea of trying to find another way to cope.
I will also say that in the past six years, there have been times where I now have the self-awareness and the recognition of when I'm slipping backwards into that depressive state.
And I can go back on medication to right my ship. And then go back off of it. So it was, it's not a, I took medication for a year now. I don't need it again. I'm good to go. It's I took medication for a year because I needed that to stabilize me, to get me back on track to myself, to focus, to looking forward, found alternative options.
To aid me so gently then came off the medication. As I started incorporating my own rituals in my own healing.
During that time have had moments of life. Right happening things happening, hitting that place of starting to feel like I was slipping back into that depressive state. Never wanted to go back to where I started because it was so dark and so bad. So now I have done enough of the work to know and recognize within myself when that starts to happen.
And that's a big thing to have that awareness that you could feel yourself slipping back into that, space of, just pure depression.
[00:29:49] Damaged Parents: I'm going to assume that everyone has to kind of figure that out for themselves, what . There are signs that they're slipping are. I'm thinking maybe it's not the same for everyone.
[00:30:02] Theresa Tirk: I would say definitely not because everybody's illnesses their own unique, whatever it is for you. Yeah, I would say that it's totally individualized on, how bad it is because of course there's so many different levels of depression and anxiety, right. if you have like massive major clinical depression and you're just in That space in your life. Listening to me say that meditating will help you. You're going to be like, you're off your freaking rocker, right? Because there's just so many, there's so many different levels. So I can only speak from my experience and the mental health struggles that I have personally had and what has helped me.
And, I just feel so strongly about, bringing it to light and dropping the stigma and the shame that, that surrounds it. And that's why so many people suffer. And don't ask for help is because they're embarrassed and they don't want to be judged.
And, you know, we just think it's like such this negative connotation to admit that, you know, we have mental health struggles, but it's still your health. Right. Like if you break your arm, you're not embarrassed about it. You go to the doctor, you get some help and it's the same thing.
It's, so critical to be able to acknowledge, when something's going on.
[00:31:27] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I think that, also being in that mindset of depression or anxiety, it makes it even that much harder to reach out because , you know, if the mindset that a person is in and I do want to speak to trying to meditate while depressed.
I heard recently that, or it was explained to me recently, Sometimes. Yes, that's great. But sometimes you can't spend three minutes or eight minutes in a meditation. Not maybe not even one minute when depressed, because all of those thoughts just come up and th there's no positive benefit to it. It's just that it's just kind of like.
Beating yourself up again
for not being healthy.
[00:32:14] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. When I was in my deepest. Darkest state of the depression. And I didn't even try it because I didn't really like know about it. It wasn't part of my life then, but I feel like now looking back on it, if I would have tried to sit on this meditation pillow and be with myself and try to get quiet, like, it would've just been a disaster because like my mind would, first of all, I would have had to pull myself out of bed to even make it to the pillow.
Right. Because. I just, I didn't want to do anything that would have been like such an extreme, it would have been felt like, walking a marathon just trying to get to the pillow to sit down. But Your mind is just, there's no possible way at that point in time. I would've been like, okay, mind lets get
quiet. You know, It would have been like, lady,
[00:33:04] Damaged Parents: Your brain probably would have been, oh, hell no.
[00:33:07] Theresa Tirk: Exactly. You're funny. Here comes some more stuff at ya, but yeah, I don't. feel initially that there's any way I would have been able to even attempt it. And honestly, whenever I started it, like I was a year and a half or whatever already into, my healing journey with traditional meds and therapy, but there's no.
way that I could have even started just trying to sit down and be quiet and be by myself.
At all my mind would have still been racing. You're not doing this right. What is wrong with you? You know what I mean? Like it would adjust and on a loop. So I started with like guided meditations where I had somebody in my ear talking that I could focus on them and their voice instead of the voices in my head.
[00:33:56] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Cause I know there are different ones out there, but the guy did. And then I think even Headspace guides a little bit, but they have also a lot of quiet,
[00:34:06] Theresa Tirk: Yeah.
[00:34:07] Damaged Parents: Which could probably be hard for someone at the beginning.
[00:34:11] Theresa Tirk: Yeah, it would be, I mean, especially coming, somebody coming and trying to come into it, pulling themselves out of that, mental struggle. Trying to sit down and just even spend a couple of minutes trying to quiet their own mind and just sit within themselves because that alone is hard enough to just quietly with yourself, so Yeah.
definitely like YouTube was my friend back then. Like I just would, I would search guided meditations and I would pick one And that's, what I would do Now it's different, right? Like now I'm totally okay with sitting down most days. Totally. Okay. With sitting on the pillow with myself being quiet, quieting my mind.
That's not to say that I, you know, I don't still have days where my mind won't shut off and it races, but it's definitely different now than it was.
[00:35:02] Damaged Parents: And I'm thinking, I mean, you're still probably learning about yourself in your meditations. Are you, do you feel like you're getting now that you're able to sit in that silence, that sometimes things come up that it's like, okay. Mental note. Processes. It's not like you've got to a point where all of a sudden it's just bliss all the
[00:35:21] Theresa Tirk: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's funny because in my, in the intro to my book, I have a line that says, like I thought that if I would, you know, sit cross-legged in silence or twist myself into a pretzel, doing yoga and doing all of these things that this, magical. Gold glitter would shine down, I'd see rainbows and unicorns and all would be well.
And I'm like, Yeah.
that's elusive like that. Unicorn like I haven't caught him yet because it just, it never ends. There's no end to it. And like I went into it thinking, okay, this is going to heal me. I'm going to go through all these things and then I'm going to be good in, life's just going to be shiny, happy, and that's just not realistic, right? Like the journey to. To healing and getting to know yourself , and learning to love yourself and embrace your confidence , and love your strengths and your weaknesses and, and put it all together to create this, co-create this beautiful life with God and the universe or whatever you believe in.
It's ongoing. It's just an infinite loop of feeling like you have your shit together and then swiping back around to know that you don't, and then it's just like this ebb and flow of, that back and forth. And, you know, It's just really important for people to know that like, the healing journey.
It's so important. It's so vital because it really does transform your life and gives you, so much more than you ever thought you could have, but it's not a one and done. There's always going to be new triggers. There's always going to be life throwing something at you that you have to learn how to deal with, and you have to learn how to grow through.
And just keep that in mind. It never ends. You are always on a path , of healing.
[00:37:09] Damaged Parents: life is not the journey. Like the marathon that ends. Right. It's. Hold on. I had said it perfectly to a friend of mine the other day, but, but the goal is not the finish line. The goal is the journey
is,
and so I love that. You're sharing that message. That's so beautiful. So if someone's sitting in that depression right now, and they're listening to this podcast, what would be the top three things you would say, try this or think about this?
[00:37:36] Theresa Tirk: So number one is to tell somebody, talk to somebody, ask for help. I tried to hide it for years. I was petrified to even tell like my best friend, my husband, I was, terrified of him finding out that I felt depressed. , you know, looking back on it, it's ridiculous and silly. Right. But when you're in that space, it's so forefront to you that you just like, you're paralyzed with the fear that, people are gonna, judge you or think less of you or just what, whatever that fear brings up in you.
And that's my number one thing, because looking back on it, like, I could've got helped so much sooner if I would've let go of that fear, so it's just find somebody to talk to. And if you really do feel uncomfortable talking to your loved one to the person closest to you There's so many other resources out there, like I've called hotlines, right?
Like I used company resources through my regular nine to five job. They had resources that were available to me to get counseling sessions and to talk to somebody. And now there's like the Teladoc, there's like apps now that you can download and talk to me.
[00:38:47] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I think a 7 4 1 7 4 1. Is it so you can text like a suicide hotline.
[00:38:53] Theresa Tirk: Yeah. Yeah, you can. There's so many resources out there available for you now that weren't there, even five, 10 years ago. So find somebody to talk to it will change your life. It will save your life. If you can just step away from the fear that you have over admitting that you need some help.
So that's number one Please do that. Like, please, please, please, please. I beg you. Don't be like me and carried around for decades. And then the second thing that I would say is. You have to learn how to like yourself and like, not even love, like we don't even have to go there yet, but like, you have to start to like yourself, because if you can't begin that process, Of learning to like yourself, if you're just going to continue on with the self-sabotage and the self-defeating thoughts.
And so one way that I kind of started doing that and it was so hard, like, it may sound so simple, but it was so hard is every single day, like when I was brushing my teeth and you're like looking at yourself in the mirror, like, I don't know. Those of you listening, but like, I couldn't even stand to look at a mirror.
Like it was hard, like making eye contact with myself was like, so freaking uncomfortable. So one thing that I started doing is when I would brush my teeth in the morning, I would actually make myself. Look at myself in the mirror. And then I would build upon that. Like once I got comfortable with doing that for like 15 seconds, then I would go to 30 then 60 and then once I felt didn't feel so icky and awkward, like looking at myself, then I started complimenting myself.
And, that's a trick that I have all my clients do when we're working on confidence is say one nice thing about yourself to yourself in the mirror every single day. And I don't care if it's something as simple as. Your eyelashes look great today. you're having a great hair day.
You know what? You made a fantastic dinner last night, I mean, it doesn't have to be like anything, you know, crazy, but just one. Nice thing about yourself, and then that's going to build upon and build upon and build upon, and it's going to help you shift your mindset. And it's going to rewire that subconscious mind that is constantly critiquing yourself and putting yourself down. So learn to look at yourself and then learn to start complimenting yourself.
[00:41:25] Damaged Parents: So those are awesome tips. And we have all the other ones that we talked about throughout the podcast, but that's, those are great places to start. So thank you so much, Theresa Tirk for being on the show. She is The Ritual Queen. You can find her at https://theritualqueen.com and she's on social media @TheRitualQueen.
Any last words?
[00:41:44] Theresa Tirk: I just, I really want to thank you for allowing me to be on with you. I, being able to talk about mental health is so important to me and, I know there has to be other people out there like me that don't realize that they have, buried pains and traumas from their past.
That's getting in their way because. And we tend to kind of compare our pain and trauma to other people. So we think, oh, it wasn't that bad. So there's no way that that's impacting my life. So just remember, don't compare yours to anybody else's because it's yours and yours alone and the pain and trauma you went through and your feelings they're valid, they're yours.
What other people experience doesn't matter? And once you can accept that, then you can begin to grow through that and learn from it and heal, and it will just it'll transform your life.
[00:42:30] Damaged Parents: Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damage to parents. We really enjoy talking to Theresa about how she healed from anxiety and depression. We especially liked when she spoke about how she became The Ritual Queen. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents.
We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then
