S2E43: From Rebel to Queen- Healing Sexual Trauma

Janessa Finley - From Rebel to Queen: Healing Sexual Trauma

Janessa is an energy psychologist using Healing From the Body Level Up and SimplyAligned Method to assist people in releasing the patterns preventing them from reaching their goals and full potential in life.  Her multi-modality approach includes integrating functional medicine coaching and mind-body healing to enable client to obtain their optimal functioning--mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Janessa teaches others, through a path of self-discovery, how to love and embrace themselves so they can extend this same love and connection to others.

Social media and contact information: www.fiercelyradiantsoul.com

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where authentic, traumatized, beautiful people come to learn. Maybe just maybe were all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged and that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is a damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.

Those who start directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. If opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Janessa Finley. She has many roles in her life, daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, cousin, and more. We'll talk about how she struggled with relationships after experiencing sexual trauma at the age of eight and how she found health and healing let's talk

 Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Janessa Finley with us. She is an energy psychologist using Healing from the Body Level Up and SimplyAligned Method. She assists people in releasing the patterns, preventing them from reaching their goals and full potential in life. Her multi-modality approach includes integrating functional medicine, coaching and mind, body healing to enable clients to obtain their optimal functioning mentality, emotional, physical spiritual

Janessa teaches others through a path of self discovery, how to love and embrace themselves so they can extend the same love and connection to others. Janessa, welcome to the show.

[00:02:46] Janessa Finley: Thank you so much for having me, Angela.

[00:02:48] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I love that it's a path of self-discovery for the clients and not your path if that makes any sense?

[00:02:57] Janessa Finley: Definitely makes sense. Are you familiar with muscle testing by chance?

[00:03:02] Damaged Parents: No, I don't think so.

[00:03:04] Janessa Finley: muscle testing is a form of applied kinesiology, where you ask the question and allow the physical body, the muscles, the nervous system sends a message to the muscle and the muscle gives a strong or weak response. This is what guides, the work that I do with individuals. And that is how it's truly self discovery, because they are showing me through their physical.

Communications or that muscle testing where they need to take their journey to be able to up level and reach those goals that they have that have been glass ceilings or a struggle.

[00:03:42] Damaged Parents: So in this muscle testing, are people hooked up to a machine or are you just noticing or asking them to notice what's happening in the body?

[00:03:52] Janessa Finley: That's a great question. There is no machine and it is I suppose, observation, but it's a very physical observation. But I could show on this video and I have videos posted on my website if people want to see the visual, because I think it truly is profound, but just asking your body. Yes. And then I use the forearm and push on the forearm and the arm will stay locked in.

The person is not trying to lock their arm. in fact, if the muscle goes weak and they're trying to hold it up, you see that because the muscle truly goes weak. And then if you ask for no and they try to hold their muscle, their arm up. It just does not happen. So it's simply essentially calibrating our physical body?

as the lie detector and being able to bypass the conscious thinking mind to get into what are those limiting beliefs and things in the unconscious mind that are tripping us up.

And what information on the soul is that individual carrying that they need to learn and evolve and grow into to be able to take those steps forward in life.

[00:04:58] Damaged Parents: I mean, you're coming from a very personal perspective that you had no idea you had something you had to deal with until in your early to mid thirties. I think it, can you share that with the listeners?

[00:05:11] Janessa Finley: Yeah, I'd be happy to, I, experienced sexual trauma in approximately age eight and definitely not to trigger anyone that you're listening in your audience. So I'm not going to go into great detail with that. But I struggled with relationships. I struggled with trust. I. Was so abrasive, with letting people in not being able to be emotionally available or open with individuals, empty relationship after unfulfilling relationship.

And no matter what the individual I was, dating or seeing did it ended with the same story of me not being fulfilled over and over and over. And. I was working in probation as a probation officer, actually as the drug court coordinator. And I had a client come in. Who was just very challenging to work with.

And that counselor that the probationer was working with actually referred him to an energy psychologist because they weren't making progress. But within the energy psychology sessions that that individual was having, he was making huge progress in a short amount of time. And I did not have any idea what he was doing, But I had that knowingness. Have you ever had that knowingness where you knew you needed something?

[00:06:25] Damaged Parents: the knowingness, like all of a sudden, like, it doesn't make sense, but there's all of a sudden you've got to go this way and right. Instead of left, for instance,

[00:06:34] Janessa Finley: Yes. That 100% explains exactly my prompting. And so anyway, for my 30th birthday. I bought myself. My first energy psychology session had no idea what I was getting into, what that experience was going to be, but it was within to bring the story full circle. It was within these energy psychology sessions using the muscle testing that my repressed memories then surfaced because I had blocked out that experience that I had at eight years old until.

Mid thirties almost, and had no idea that at the root of all of these relationships, struggles and challenges that I was having, it was all coping mechanisms to trauma.

[00:07:17] Damaged Parents: Wow. And so it sounds like in my mind, that would have come as a huge surprise.

[00:07:23] Janessa Finley: It was challenging, my personal experience with it was having all of these emotions of an eight year old. And not necessarily knowing where to turn or go from, from there, from where I was. It doesn't have to be that way. I also don't want to give energy psychology, a bad rap.

Like the tools that I'm using is very different for bringing repressed memories up to the surface than the experience that I had. Yeah.

I went to counseling for a while. In addition to, the energy psychology stuff I was doing, used a lot of self care techniques and man compassion.

I definitely developed some compassion through that time too, because it was. Much like, a growing up all over again, just from an emotional standpoint, this time versus the physical body growing up. And so I had to go back through some of that developmental process emotionally after making such a huge discovery and releasing the trauma and healing through that.

[00:08:23] Damaged Parents: Now you still a probation officer at that point?

[00:08:27] Janessa Finley: I was yeah.

[00:08:29] Damaged Parents: Because I heard you say compassion and I'm thinking, did you notice anything change in working with people, these people who are on probation?

[00:08:37] Janessa Finley: That's such a great question. I feel like I have to sit with it. I can't say that there's like an amazing blazing, notice that I specifically could ascertain with probationers specifically. However, I do feel that broad view, all of my relationships started to shift and I was much more. Understanding and much less intolerant, which that in itself also was a healing and growing up thing over the course of a few years, it wasn't instantaneous unfortunately I would love to have achieved that instantaneously. But that was also much of a growing into process as well. And I would say that is likely the biggest thing that did shift across the board though, with all relationships.

[00:09:28] Damaged Parents: Is intolerance. It turned changed. Compassion.

[00:09:31] Janessa Finley: Yeah, An understanding, connecting with someone to truly understand and have empathy, seeing the world from their shoes versus, just, well, here are my thoughts or my opinions, or, you know, just wanting to respond or even within probation. It's a very. You have a court order and you have to follow a court order.

So it is fairly black and white. There is rapport that needs to be built with individuals who you are working with, but at the end of the day, you're enforcing a court order and they have a lot to lose if they don't follow through with that. It's not an even playing field.

[00:10:08] Damaged Parents: I think that. By having that compassion for yourself. And also now being able to have compassion for other people that now it might make sense. as You're learning about these probationers as to what happened so that they would be making the choices that they're making. And it's no longer this, maybe this, you were you're this sick, bad, wrong person who needs to be put into your place.

I don't know, I'm just throwing out some ideas of what maybe the thought process might be. What do you, what do you think.

[00:10:42] Janessa Finley: For sure. And I totally appreciate that point of view., I was one of the more empathetic probation officers. They actually gave us some personality typing tests, if you will. And so we had a really fairly clear idea if we were creative, empathetic, where our strengths and weaknesses were.

I was one of the higher, scored. In empathy by nature. And so I feel like I showed up in that role coming from one of really, truly having their best interest in heart and trying to work, with them, even though if they may not have wanted to embrace what was being asked of them, or they didn't want to make the changes in their life, the court was requiring them to, prior to probation, I worked in the prison and that position really truly taught me that at the core of every single individual is a need for community and connection, even those who have been taken out of society.

And that left a really lasting impression on me. And when I transitioned into probation, I. Felt like, it was very important to have clear boundaries that, if you're not following through, there will be a violation, but I'm not out to get you. So let's try to join together to get you through this period in your life and bring you to a place where you're better at the end of it for having gone through it.

But I do think going back to your previous question that. As I gained more compassion for myself, I had more understanding, but it didn't necessarily change the way I did my job cause I still had to report to the court. So even if I understood why someone was lying to me and rather than being triggered by it, I then had compassion.

It doesn't necessarily change any course of action. It just changed my internal response.

[00:12:30] Damaged Parents: Yeah, that internal response. it sounds like that was really helpful that that internal response changed instead of being triggered. Now there was compassion because what would it trigger? I mean, when you were triggered, what would that look like? Would you panic it right there? Was it anxiety? What was it?

[00:12:48] Janessa Finley: No, I didn't have panic or anxiety. But I did lose some sleep over what could I be doing better? What could I be doing? Different? What programming are we not utilizing yet to have this person have success? Have I really been. Lenient. I don't necessarily like that word, but have I been lenient enough and giving them enough opportunities?

Do I need to leave them in the community longer before I submit a violation? I had a lot of that going on in my internal, trigger, if you will, would have been. More of that, like angel and devil on one shoulder and the other, right? Like, is there more I can do? What's the risk to the community I'm going back and forth and trying to find that space where when I was more secure with myself, I didn't take the lies and their faults personally.

And it wasn't a reflection of how well I was doing my job. It was just their behaviors, and does it deem reprimand or does it deem another chance or another resource?

[00:13:55] Damaged Parents: So it sounds like at first you took a lot of it personally until so you heal thinking. If I could just do this, maybe they'll change. It's a little bit of what I'm hearing and then afterwards, well, they're not doing that. And that was the agreement and it just made it really easy it sounds like your job got easier.

[00:14:14] Janessa Finley: In some ways, for sure there are elements of the clients who had kids and, you know, there are many aspects of that job that is never going to be easy, no matter how healed you are as a human being. But there are many aspects of it that did get easier. The more I healed and the more aligned I was, then the more secure I was within myself.

[00:14:33] Damaged Parents: Well, and I would think that when. being secure with yourself to that working in that environment and seeing the, ones that do get to get better, because they're taking that ownership and taking that responsibility on that. It's just that much more rewarding to be part of that journey.

[00:14:50] Janessa Finley: Yeah, there are just a few people who I am in touch with , it turned their entire life around. And the fact that at the point in time that I called for my 30th birthday, I have emotionally bankrupt, mentally bankrupt. Physically bankrupt and not sure how they making it toured to retirement, overworked with an energy exchange, a pay that did not match the amount of work I did in a day.

But those success cases, man, they're worth every minute of grit and heart that was poured into that position, for sure. To be able to walk with people and have them have a whole new life at the end of it.

[00:15:29] Damaged Parents: Yeah, thank you for going down that road of probation. And I just think that I've got. My heart out there, it's like, I think in this world, we want to see change and we want to see people learn and grow and what a better place to see, I would think to see that, but also to see when learning and growing is a little too scary for someone and you know what they already.

know is enough, you know, like they can't know, how do I want to put this? It's too scary to grow. There we go. That's those are the words I was looking for it's too, because I think when, we learn and grow, there's this awkward, weird, scary period of time where we don't know what's next.

[00:16:11] Janessa Finley: Yeah, you were absolutely correct. And I. Fill my personal experience has definitely matched what you just explained 100%, because I don't know how far into healing I would have gone. If at the very beginning I was going to have any insight that I would be uncovering these repressed memories a few years down the road and all of the emotion that came up with that. along the path of healing, We get stronger and we get to a place where we can meet those challenges and have the tools available to be able to get through it and be brave enough to go through that journey. Uncertain shifting not sure how I function as an eight year old emotional person and a crown woman's body, but I'll find a way and you just keep taking that next step.

And as you build the strength, then you also build the resilience of man. I have done hard things. I can do more hard things. And I know that when I get on the other side of it, I'm better for it.

[00:17:14] Damaged Parents: And it takes just so much work.

[00:17:17] Janessa Finley: It can certainly feel like so much work.

It can.

[00:17:23] Damaged Parents: But they think there was a choice you could have not, even though you knew you could have denied that insight. Right. And we won't know what would have happened after that, but we do know like now you've got the healing from the body up. You've got the simply aligned method. You've because they're tried and true.

There are things that you've used in your life that sound life, or they're based on things that you've used.

[00:17:48] Janessa Finley: Yeah, they are. And I also feel with how much work it is, may align with how long we allow the circumstances to go. Before we address the healing. You know, For me, I was eight years old and I was addressing it nearly 25 years later, approximately. when you have that, we'll call it an infection, right.

And emotional infection within us. And we're just allowing it to fester and grow. And we're not. it, we don't know it's there. We don't know what to do. Then it becomes more and more wheat work, just like a physical wound. If you let that infection go and grow and get bigger and overtake more and more of your body, then it takes longer to heal it.

I had many signs, younger years I had. Went through an eating disorder. I went through a divorce at a very young age. You know, There were things that I could have opened my eyes and said, huh, I wonder what's really underneath all of this. What's really stirring all of this pain and illness, but I didn't, I didn't until I was at that point where I was really bankrupt as I like to explain it.

And then it did take a lot of work since then with the tools, like you mentioned, When something comes up and I am a huge fan of tapping. I encourage everyone to tap every day because it helps you process the daily stressors and you have way less to try and process and deal with when you don't allow it to accumulate.

So I do have these tools now, but I also don't. I don't wait. I may wait 24, hours to allow my cognitive self to have some time to process it, but I don't wait 25 years anymore to tackle these things that occurred on a day-to-day basis or the traumas that come up because we all have them, you know, as life plays itself out before us. So.

[00:19:34] Damaged Parents: I really do love how you pointed out. There were opportunities and there were signs and I didn't listen. That's really what I hear you saying. I know I'm paraphrasing and there's so many times I think every. Probably experience is something where they just, for whatever reason couldn't see, or couldn't listen.

And then they find themselves in this place where it's like, now if I absolutely don't do something I have to do something.

[00:20:03] Janessa Finley: Yeah.

I have no choice. I am at a dead end. Yeah, absolutely. And I think so much. So with relationships too, we. Tend to default give a power way, point the finger at our partner or our parents or whoever it is that's causing those triggers to get stirred. And we want them to be the ones to live differently so that they don't prick those thorns rather than pulling the thorn out and letting the infection heal.

And that doesn't. Foster harmonious, deep, meaningful relationships. So you can't expect someone else to walk on your eggshells and not upset your boat, the power, I mean, the ability to truly connect with people lies within, go within and heal those things. And you won't need people around you to behave differently or act differently because the things they use to do that triggered you.

They won't trigger you anymore.

[00:20:55] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I really liked that because it just, it reminds me that it begins with me. And which was really, really a foreign concept, even two or three years ago, it was like you were saying the other person needed to change. And, it was something they were doing when I didn't realize was that it was something I needed to do.

 You know, cause it's so easy to respond, shaming people or to make it their fault when it's us. And so it's really interesting. Like, it sounds like that's probably one of the things you teach is to go inside the self. Okay. What is it? That's triggering and investigate that instead of deciding the other person needs to change sometimes.

 I'm sure there are abusive situations that you've helped people get through where clearly that person finds out. They need to change. I'm not sure, but I'm thinking that's also one of the things. If that's the behavior, they're not going to change. it's us.

[00:21:57] Janessa Finley: Yeah. When we, go within and hold boundaries, even within. abusive relationships, but hear me very clearly, a boundary is not the sole determining healing factor of an abusive relationship, nor is that the sole answer to be very clear about that. But when we can even just hold those boundaries, energetic boundaries and physical boundaries with other people, their behaviors will change.

If they respect you now. There's nothing. That's going to shift along with your own shifting of boundaries without one individual, but it will with a lot of other people. So yeah. Coming to that place, where, what is it inside of me that I can shift that I can address that I can heal or align that is going to allow people to respond differently.

To me, that's where our power is truly is. And a great example of this. I just worked yesterday with a client. Her son just recently, blindsidedly broke up with his girlfriend and the client. The mom was not excited about that or the way that her child had gone about, expressing that communicating, et cetera.

And so the focus was really on when we started talking. That I have concerned with my son, he's acting out and as we dug below the surface, you send the muscle testing. So it took just a matter of maybe 10 minutes versus, a longer meditation or some of the other tools available to get into the unconscious. She went through a very similar, like almost the exact same experience when she was in her teens and her boyfriend at the time just disappeared, broke up, disappeared, done over.

And so what was happening was it was triggering this. Old hurt and pain inside of her and her and her son were butting heads because they were kind of on opposite sides of the situation, but a very mirrored situation. And after she walked through the releasing and healing part of that, she is, Completely available to show up as a mom and be able to teach my son the values that I want my son to have very empowering, so much more empowering than being back and forth at each other, wanting our children to behave a certain way because I'm your parent.

And I said So completely different.

[00:24:18] Damaged Parents: So it sounds like when she did the work, she was better able to communicate with the son about. Maybe she could have shared that history, but I don't know what she did, but whew, that's painful. Of course that's going to trigger me. And of course I'm going to be angry with the child because they're causing this pain that I was on the other end of when I was younger, when I'm triggered, it's like, oh, and I want, the response I have to not react and think about it. but wow. Like, Boy when my kids drive me, you know, say something that gets me, it's so hard.

[00:24:58] Janessa Finley: Yeah.

Sometimes it can take days to actually be able to point out what is underneath the surface, cause you get so caught up in the emotional aspect and then there's also the. Truly to be able to identify something's coming up to be healed. You're going to see it come up more than one time.

You're going to see a pattern. And so the first time it comes up, you may be triggered or feel some sort of way, but you're just not in tune with where this is coming from. And then it the same. Situation or feelings come up with a whole different person in a completely different scenario. And then maybe it comes up with your kids, you know, there's two or three situations within the matter of a couple of days or a couple of hours.

Sometimes even when you have the same feelings being stirred up, I need to stop and really look at, what is it underneath the surface here what's going on? And what can I do within myself to move us all forward and come at this from a different perspective, because that's really when we heal our perspective shifts.

 but When you change the things about yourself, the world around you changes those, essentially that just have it

[00:26:09] Damaged Parents: Yeah. When I changed the things inside of me and the way I respond to people, they shift too usually. But like we were saying, there are some people who just won't, and there is absolutely nothing at that point that we can do, I cannot please someone enough for them to ever change.

It's not going to work that way.

[00:26:29] Janessa Finley: free yourself from taking that personally, whoever out there needs to hear that don't take it personally free yourself from that it has nothing to do with you. And it has everything to do with the other person who doesn't want to shift or heal or grow or. Whatever is keeping them locked into that behavior.

It's not because you're not worth it. It's because it's not worth it to them. And that's a huge difference. Don't take it personally.

[00:26:55] Damaged Parents: Yeah, that's a great point. Okay. What are the top three tools or tips? If somebody is listening to this today, and there in that struggle. Or maybe they're at the beginning, like you were, or you didn't even realize something was going on, but something just happened. And I was like, oh, maybe what would you say would be the top three things for them to do.

[00:27:14] Janessa Finley: Well, I am going to say journaling, although I hesitate with that because I'm not a big journaler myself, but there's so much value in it. And when you're new to looking at your life, your behaviors, your feelings in patterns, journaling is an amazing way to begin to identify that. Keep a journal. It can be a bullet journal, something really simple.

What happened? What did you feel? And then go back and review that. And you can very clearly point out. Hmm. I responded this way and I, I'm not really impressed with myself for responding this way. I'd like to use some different strategies or, huh, every time there's adversity, I have this a feeling of rejection or, whatever, for example, I would encourage people to journal, to gain insight into yourself.

It's invaluable. As I mentioned earlier, my tip number two would be tapping and I have a video. I'd be happy to share with your audience as well as a free tutorial. They can use every day.

I don't think that we can tap too much. It moves the stagnant energy through our nervous system. It moves the emotions that we're not able to process through our thinking mind.

It's incredible. It's freeing, it's calming. It improves sleep and improves all sorts of things. Tap your little heart out. It's powerful. And my third tip, this may be a little bit biased, but move your body, whatever that means for you. Move your body because so many good things happen when we're in motion versus when we don't allow ourselves that self care of having some activity in our lives, the endorphins, the health benefits, the mental health benefits across the board.

It's incredible. So move your body. You can take yourself from an incredibly different emotional and mental standpoint. Point of view, state of mind. Within even a 15 minute walk can really turn things around for an individual. So I encourage people to move. However that works into their life.

[00:29:14] Damaged Parents: I love it. This is Janessa Finley with us Healing from the Body Level Up and SimplyAligned Method. You can find her at https://fiercelyradiantsoul.com/strongertogether. And she's on YouTube with the natural bio distressing, Janessa, anything you'd like to add before we close out the show?

[00:29:37] Janessa Finley: No, I thank you have so much for this opportunity to sit down and have this conversation. You ask some tough questions. I mean, I gained insight into myself just in this own conversation that I'm having. So I think the last takeaway I'd like to leave with your audience is truly, you know, half of those conversations, even just simply sitting and connecting with someone you're going to feel.

Empowerment from community, from opening up with someone and the things that come up into your awareness during those times can honestly be life altering. If you allow them to be

[00:30:13] Damaged Parents: Oh, that's beautiful. Thank you so much, Janessa, for leaving us with that beautiful thought at the end of our show.

[00:30:20] Janessa Finley: thank you for having me again, Angela, it's been a pleasure.

[00:30:23] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Janessa about how she was able to deeply heal from sexual trauma. We especially liked when she taught us about muscle testing to unite with other damaged people connect with us on Instagram look for @damagedparents We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then