S2E36: She Heard the Whisper - How She Found Herself

I’m Stephanie DeSantis. I once felt as if I was lost and not found yet. I cried many nights into my Ben and Jerry's because I was still miserable after decades of people-pleasing, feeling unworthy, and seeking love through others. My life looked "perfect" on the outside, yet I was numbing out the emptiness from the life I created and now felt trapped in. I was riddled with confusion, uncertainty, and guilt. Today that life is in the rearview mirror, and I coach women to do the same, so they can create the epic life they're destined to live.

Social media and contact information:

Email: Hello@stephaniedesantis.com.

Website: www.stephaniedesantis.com,

IG: Stephaniedesanits_lifeupgrade

Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/stephanie.desantis.5245

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damage Parents were dyslexic, different successful people come to learn maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

And every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than. Like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others do their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.

Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.

Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Stephanie DeSantis. She has many roles in her life, sister, aunt, half sister, daughter, and more. We'll talk about how she struggled to find self-worth after feeling different because of her dyslexia and how she found health and handling let's talk

 Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Stephanie DeSantis with us. She once felt as if she was lost. And not found, she cried many nights into the Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I bet that made it a little salty, but you know, we're still in the middle of the introduction. So she can't answer that question yet.

she was miserable for decades. , people pleasing, feeling unworthy, seeking love through others. Her life looked perfect on the outside yet she was numbing and empty on the inside and she felt trapped. She was riddled with confusion, uncertainty, and guilt today that life is in the rear view mirror for her and she coaches women to do the same, to put all that stuff that doesn't work in the rear view mirror.

Thank you so much for coming to the show. And did it make the ice cream salty?

[00:02:51] Stephanie DeSantis: No, it didn't make the ice cream saucy, but it, I did have a favorite. My favorite was always New York, super fudge Trenton. So if I knew I was going to that, I kind of ice cream, I knew, okay. There was some stuff going on within that needed to be let loose.

[00:03:08] Damaged Parents: So at some point, it sounds like that ice cream became a trigger for you to, really self-reflect or self-inquiry. Somehow.

[00:03:17] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. I mean, I think it started off kind of differently. I think it started off as kind of like, it was my friend and it was one of those situations where it didn't judge me. It felt like it loved me. It comforted me. There's different textures in it. And it was a place where I just felt like. I wasn't being judged.

I mean, I'm sure at some level I was judging myself, but I felt like it was just this space where I just would fall apart and, you know

[00:03:48] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Like where your mess could show up.

[00:03:50] Stephanie DeSantis: yeah,

[00:03:51] Damaged Parents: maybe if other people were around to see it, like having other people around was not an option at that point in time, just, it was not okay to show anyone else your mess, but you could show the ice cream cause Ben, Ben and Jerry's is not the same as a person.

[00:04:09] Stephanie DeSantis: Right.

no no, definitely, definitely not. I think the other thing too, is that there is even this aspect of, you know, you quietly take the spoon out, you quietly go into the fridge, you take the whole pint because in your world that's a bowl

[00:04:23] Damaged Parents: Right.

[00:04:23] Stephanie DeSantis: and you discreetly sneak upstairs. And that container ends up in a trash brown and someplace else in the house.

But no, one's going to see when you're done with it.

[00:04:31] Damaged Parents: Hmm. Yeah. I remember as a kid, my mom loved ice cream and go sneak the ice cream. When you're talking about sneaking that spoon out of the drawer and quietly, you know, and especially in the old drawers, trying to be quiet.

[00:04:48] Stephanie DeSantis: yeah.

[00:04:49] Damaged Parents: Oh. And then she knew. It's like how in the world did you? It was the same and it did not look the same.

We did not have cell phones back in the day,

[00:04:58] Stephanie DeSantis: Right. Yeah.

[00:04:59] Damaged Parents: that sounds like, I think in some ways, For me, there was some shame that I wanted ice cream, but I wasn't supposed to have it. Was there ever, like, was it like, uh, going to the ice cream with, I can't share like this idea, but maybe not consciously being aware that I'm ashamed of me. And I can't share that with other people.

So I'm going to share it with ice cream.

[00:05:21] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. I mean, I'm sure it's a level, you know, cause again, like I said, I was a huge people pleaser. and it started at a very, very young age. I am the oldest, And I really know that my dad wanted a son and I felt that, and I felt like, okay, I'm starting out right out of the gate, not being what you want me to be. and then, you know, growing up with dyslexia and feeling different there, I feel as though very early on, there were these aspects of me that never felt like I was enough.

And it created this people pleasing because if, I felt that about myself and other people felt that about me and it just started this journey of being a people pleaser, because I couldn't use myself as a mirror. So I needed others to reflect back to me of who I was.

[00:06:08] Damaged Parents: And to make you okay. So if they liked you.

[00:06:11] Stephanie DeSantis: yeah. if they liked me, if they loved me, if they thought I was good enough, I was okay. But at the same time, sometimes it felt like their projections onto me were even more than I could handle at a young age.

[00:06:24] Damaged Parents: What do you mean by their projections onto you?

[00:06:27] Stephanie DeSantis: you know, we set the story of what we believe this person wants us to be or how we should behave. You know, we get into that whole land of the sheds, And I feel as though we create a story based off of that projection that we feel that actually may not be projecting from them at all, but that's how we're interpreting it, at a young age,

[00:06:47] Damaged Parents: Okay. So I think I understand what you're saying. So I think what you're saying is, there's something that happens inside of me. And I tell even if I'm a people pleaser, maybe I'm telling myself this story about the other person's behavior and whether or not what I'm doing is pleasing them.

And if not, then I assume it's about me and not about them.

[00:07:11] Stephanie DeSantis: Right, right. Because again, in my world it was never about them. It was never, they had a bad day. It was, I wasn't smarter for, I wasn't good enough or I wasn't loving enough, lovable enough, you know, something of low, a low that along those lines.

[00:07:23] Damaged Parents: Right. So anything that they did, it was, you. which I think that's actually really interesting to talk about. I don't think we really think about how often it's these stories. We tell ourselves about what other people are doing. Impacts that then in turn impacts us. And then yet they've got their own stories about us, it's like walking down the street and worried about what you're wearing and there the other person's walking the other way and they're worried about what they're wearing, but neither person it's like, there's a disconnect almost, even though there's this people pleasing thing going on too, like there's this total Is there a, I think disconnection, is that the right word? Do you think?

[00:08:08] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. I mean, I think?

at some level, you know, we're so worried about what's going on internally within ourselves, that sometimes we don't have the ability to see reality with clear eyes.

[00:08:20] Damaged Parents: And how did you get from. I read in your, sheet that the listeners aren't seeing right now that for you, it was, it seems like from what I read, it was really your weight was the trigger to you investigating and really getting to see some of this stuff. Or did you see it before that?

[00:08:40] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. So for me, it was like, there was this whisper within, that, you know, I had, I gotten married to please my grandparent I had was fortunate enough to live in a three family with them growing up and they are Italian and I saw them every day and, they would tell me, oh, are dying wish is just to see you get married.

And I'd be like but Nana, then I'm going to move and she'd be like, oh, but I'll be at peace. And I loved them so, so much. And I had so much gratitude for everything they gave me. And I, again, I couldn't use my own judgment. It's some level of the man I should marry and everybody loved my boyfriend and I was like, okay, you fit their boxes.

Great. I'm off and running.

[00:09:22] Damaged Parents: Well, that's a lot of pressure to.

[00:09:24] Stephanie DeSantis: yeah. And so I got married and. they were so happy. I'm great, great. And after I got married, I gained 75 pounds within six months.

[00:09:36] Damaged Parents: Oh, now, is it just the look on your face and how you ended that sentence is just like where you devastated.

[00:09:43] Stephanie DeSantis: I was like, what did I do? Like, what did I just do? And then I could hear my mother and like, well, you've made your bed now. You lay in it.

[00:09:51] Damaged Parents: Yeah,

[00:09:52] Stephanie DeSantis: you know, and I created that voice, even though she may not have said that to me, but I had heard her say it in the past. It was like, now that was there. And I came from the belief of, from a divorce family, like, oh, that's not going to be me.

That's not going to be

me. So now I've got like, so no, like,

[00:10:09] Damaged Parents: You're totally stuck. You're screwed. Right. Then

[00:10:12] Stephanie DeSantis: no, otherwise you got it up with the ice cream.

[00:10:14] Damaged Parents: you probably felt like you were in hell.

[00:10:18] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah, I did. And he was a good man. And I was just like, what did you do? And, I felt now I'm feeling guilt and shame and all these emotions in my weight just like skyrocketed up to like 210 pounds. And I didn't even recognize myself. I, didn't necessarily care anymore about what I looked like, whatever, but there was a pea size whisper that started with it.

[00:10:42] Damaged Parents: can you even say the first time you heard that whisper, do you remember.

[00:10:46] Stephanie DeSantis: you know, I honestly can't. I just remember.

 It was so faint and it was almost like you're here for more. And I, then once it got louder and louder, I was like, I gotta drown you out now I'm drowning it out with the ice cream. because, now I'm confused.

I'm like, what do you mean? I'm here for more like what what's going on here? And it, the whisper just started to get louder and louder and some people will call your intuition or your gut or whatever, but it started to get louder that I had a much greater purpose on this earth than I ever thought. And I've been so busy trying to please all these other people that I couldn't even hear it. I was burying it. And then once I could hear it, I was confused by it. I was overwhelmed by it. I was like, oh, wait a second. I live an ordinary life. There is nothing special here. I think you have the wrong person.

And it's like,

[00:11:34] Damaged Parents: And I, I don't think either that we've really even talked to like, ah, I don't think we talked to our kids. I don't think we talked to them about intuition. I don't think we talked to them about listening to their heart. It's so funny. I have a funny story that you might chuckle at it. My, one of my oldest daughter recently saved and bought a car and, you know, she was like, gosh, every, everybody had their opinion.

And I looked at her and I was like, well, did I do that? She said, no, mom, you were worse. You just told me to follow my heart because I wouldn't give her an opinion. But how do you learn that? If you don't, if someone's not there to say, listen, And I think in our generation, which I don't know if I'm aging, you or myself, because you look great.

we didn't talk about how do you listen? How do you find that peace? What happens when you don't listen?

[00:12:27] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah, Right. I'm a gen X and I'll be 50 next month. And I came from a mother and a grandmother that they were wallpaper. They'd had no voice. They were quiet. They were depressed. they had no idea. They didn't even have the skillset to teach me any of that because they didn't even know how to do it for themselves.

[00:12:46] Damaged Parents: Yeah, because you had to look a certain way. I mean, I think that got passed down to me too. Like if I didn't behave a certain way or do a certain thing, then I was of no value. So. I'm thinking you're smiling. I'm thinking maybe that was kind of the same feeling. Like if I don't do this just right then I'm not valuable.

 so then that people pleasing comes along and I absolutely have to please people because that's the only way to get anywhere.

[00:13:11] Stephanie DeSantis: What I did notice though, when I look back at it, is that it was more men than anything. And so it came back to like, oh, does this have to really do with my dad? And, you know, wanting to that approval of my dad and seeking out that. And even with my husband at the time, it was a situation of like, I didn't want to disappoint him.

 I started to notice that I didn't want to disappoint my boss. That was a male, like the women, it was like, I just didn't feel like even though sometimes they were the more judging people, I didn't feel as though I was working So hard to please them.

[00:13:47] Damaged Parents: So at some point you figured out

[00:13:49] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

[00:13:50] Damaged Parents: people pleasing was really, there was a connection to men.

[00:13:54] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. there's a definitely a deep root there. Yeah. So here I am, you know, now married and over, 210 pounds and on a five foot, one frame. And I'm miserable, absolutely miserable. And it's like, okay. And I'm hearing this whisper And I'm fighting with the whisper and it's almost like, you know, when people go through, you can call it an awakening, you can call it.

you know, there's so many different words for it. I'm done. I wasn't there just yet, but there's something stirring within and it's, it can be so scary and overwhelming and having the courage to kind of be like, okay, I'm going to go with it. And so, Kind of following it a little bit more and, listening to it a little bit more and being terrified by it a little bit more.

[00:14:36] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And when you first started following it, did it feel like even just that little bit of following was like taking a huge leap off of a cliff?

[00:14:45] Stephanie DeSantis: Oh, yeah. Every time it's like, just to inquire more, it's like you have these days where it's like, okay. Yes, I can do anything. And then you're like, okay, no, I'm going to be a shrinking violet. I feel much safer there, but this voice is I could do anything. And you're like, uh, yeah, no, I don't think so. Not today.

[00:15:04] Damaged Parents: I bet there are so many people out that relate to that right there.

[00:15:10] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

It's like, okay. You know, wonder woman. She makes it look so easy. It's like, okay. But that's just so not how our reality is. And then when you decide you're going to shift or grow even a little bit, the people around us are like, stop the bus. I don't want you to change.

[00:15:32] Damaged Parents: Well, it would totally disrupt their life too, if we change. Right. So, and I think that it's like we have to, it is helpful walking into that change, knowing that. But I don't think we get to walk into it, knowing that all the time, like someone who listens to this podcast, hopefully before this is happening for them.

Right. Like that would be great. They'll know that, but

most of the time it's yeah, just terrifying.

[00:15:58] Stephanie DeSantis: And I think you get to a point where. Takes you to this point where it's like, there's no turning back now.

[00:16:05] Damaged Parents: Um,

[00:16:06] Stephanie DeSantis: There's no turning back once. You know what, you know, you can't go backwards. You can't undo and be who you once were. And that part you're like, and you, for me personally, it was like, the universe was like, now pulling me into this new self.

And I was like, oh, okay. and I started. Really with baby steps, honestly, it's like, read a book, do a podcast, listen to something in audio books, in the car, you know, all these little things that I started to do. And then I started growing stronger and, developing more skills.

And I think that there's so many people out there that you hear, oh, it's baby steps, whatever. But yet in our minds, we're like, it should be like Rome. It's just like built overnight. but Rome wasn't built overnight. Like it's like, it should be just instant because we don't want to experience the pain or what's going to come.

 it's part of why I feel personally is that it's one of those journeys where you go through all these experiences and you have to have big deep boot s on, but once you get through it, now you're in the grass and then you're in a field of flowers and then you're in a place where it's like, it's beautiful and it's wonderful.

And it's magnificent. There still can be days that you're gonna need your muddy boots, but it's not the same because you evolve and grow. so much.

[00:17:31] Damaged Parents: Like there's some peace, even though it's muddy, the sun is out and you can still see the flowers and the sky is still blue, or I'm just trying to give myself a visual

[00:17:43] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah, it it's. Yeah. It's, you know, it's like one of those things where it's like, everything gets easier because now you're building the muscles. Now you're really belittling a skill set. And now you, you hear yourself clear, you trust yourself more. you start to be like, yeah, maybe I do got this mean I do have this.

Maybe I can do this. Maybe I, and again, it's, kind of stepping into that. Mindset. And then I had a situation where I did my, when I started to getting to my coaching program, because now I'm following the whisper, I'm listening, I'm going and doing the steps I'm following with everything it's supposed to say.

I decided to do a coaching program. Cause I was like, okay, this is what I feel like I'm doing. And I have to say, like I personally had what I believe is the divine helping me. Because I was having all these random things fall into my place and my lap and so I decided to do this wonderful coaching program.

But when I went to tell my husband that I was going to do it, he actually threatened to divorce me.

[00:18:38] Damaged Parents: Oh, when you were saying you wanted to go do coaching.

[00:18:41] Stephanie DeSantis: Yup. Yup. Cause that was, yeah, it started back in 2012 where coaching isn't what it is now. and I was, so devastated by the fact that he had said that, and that was a huge point for me. And I remember it as clear as day I walked away and I was crying and I'm walking up the steps and I hurt.

I started saying, I choose me. I choose me. And for the first time in my entire life, I meant it.

[00:19:08] Damaged Parents: Wow.

Wow

[00:19:09] Stephanie DeSantis: I meant it. And I was crying and I was like, I choose me. I choose me. And I remember clearly sitting on the edge of the bed, but I could feel something that was just like, you're here for more. It's all going to be okay. And you are worthy, you are worthy. And it was like, it was such a huge transformational moment for me because after that moment, I said, I choose me a lot. And I stepped forth out of the shadow of what all this people pleasing had caused for me, you know? And I, stepped into like, knowing, I may not know where I'm going, but I know I'm have the courage to do it because my life has taught me to be resilient, you know?

[00:19:55] Damaged Parents: So even though you had all the people pleasing and the other things, you also had this deep understanding that no matter what you did, it would be okay.

[00:20:05] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. And I think one of the things that I look back at when I grew up with dyslexia, I mean, I still have it, but it's like, I would fail like my spelling test week after week after week after week. And I'd pull myself up and I put myself back together and be like, okay. And it was teaching me resilience. It was teaching me never to give up. It was teaching me all of these things and as painful as it was that I felt so different as a little girl, that it was giving me all this foundation for when I got to this point in my life that I could lean into that and be like, wow, I I'm, I am resilient. I do have that.

I am, I never give up. I always move forward. And there's a difference between choosing. Something different because this is not going to serve you and actually giving up. there's times in our lives where it's like, okay.

I've come as far as I can. I've gotten what I need and I can let this go verse, like I just quit, you know?

And I just wasn't, I just, there was an inmate and to do that,

[00:21:06] Damaged Parents: right. But I love how you looked back to, you know, yes, there was , this challenge with the dyslexia and it taught me resilience. And because I had that and I knew I had that I then could take the next step, which is which one? What was the next step you told your husband, you chose yourself.

What happened?

[00:21:27] Stephanie DeSantis: So, so I actually did my coaching program. he backed down for a little while I got myself together, I worked on myself some more and then the day came and I will be honest. I think I asked my husband for a divorce every spring for like a good seven years. And then I would back down.

[00:21:45] Damaged Parents: Right.

[00:21:46] Stephanie DeSantis: But this time, this spring, I didn't back down I asked for divorce and I stepped into my own light and my own power. I'm not going to tell you that I wasn't kind of shaking in my boots a little, but I knew I've got it. I knew I did. and I sold my house after, in my left by marriage after 16 years. and I moved on, And what was interesting was. Because people might be wondering about the weight part of it. So I did lose some of the way before that, but the more that I stepped into my truth, the more that I went within, the more that I listened to it, then the more the weight came off by itself.

[00:22:26] Damaged Parents: So you didn't go make any special changes or purposeful changes well with food, I guess is where, what I, when I want to say the purposeful thing you did was say, I'm following my soul's deeper purpose.

[00:22:42] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. Yeah,

[00:22:43] Damaged Parents: And, by making choices in alignment with that,

it just

[00:22:48] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep. Because again, at the end of the day, it's like, If you're not trying to drown something or suffocate somebody or whatever, and you give it space, no matter how hard it is, no matter how tough it feels. We get to experience these emotions as part of freeing our spirit, freeing our soul to express itself, you know?

And so we have to clear all those layers out. And once we clear all those layers out, then I'll all of a sudden, you start to love yourself. And when you love yourself, You make different choices

[00:23:22] Damaged Parents: Hmm, because you love yourself.

[00:23:25] Stephanie DeSantis: because you show up differently for yourself first.

[00:23:29] Damaged Parents: Ooh. That's pretty deep.

[00:23:31] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

[00:23:32] Damaged Parents: and so really it's, gosh, it's just making those choices and I heard you say giving enough room, and there is a parable which you may or may not have heard it's about salt. It's the become a lake parable and aging Hindu master grew tired of his apprentice complaining. So one morning the master sent his apprentice for some salt. When the apprentice returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then drink it. How does it taste the master asked.

Bitter spit the apprentice, the master chuckled, and then asked the young man to take the same amount of salts and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to a nearby lake. And once the princess swirled his handful assault in the water, the old man said now drink from the lake as the water, drip down the young man's chin, the master asked, how does it taste much fresher remark the apprentice.

Do you taste the salt test? The master? No said the young man. At this, the master sat beside the young man who so reminded him of himself and took his hands. Offering the pain of life is pure salt. No more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains the same. Exactly the same, but the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container.

We put it in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things. Stop being a glass, become a lake.

[00:25:00] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

[00:25:01] Damaged Parents: what you said, like, so perfectly reminded me of that. It's like all of a sudden you were giving room to all these feelings and listening, then it sounds like almost like freedom

[00:25:15] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

[00:25:15] Damaged Parents: to be who you were meant to be, but you had to own it first.

[00:25:20] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. Yeah. I Literally did work on myself for a year before I, asked for my divorce of feeling. I so had not wanted to feel, so many different emotions that I actually worked with a woman for a year on feeling

and

[00:25:39] Damaged Parents: feel like feeling different

[00:25:41] Stephanie DeSantis: Yep. So one of the exercises that could be great for anybody is if you go to your playlist on your phone and you just listen to one song after another, after that you can't change it.

And feel how you feel every song and what it brings up for you and what emotion that connects you, what story does it share? What's in that story and it's you can just go through this wave of emotions and you can see and feel how every bit of music changes within your body.

[00:26:10] Damaged Parents: Wow. It's almost like an investigation of

[00:26:13] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

[00:26:14] Damaged Parents: what is this feeling? What do I recognize is, am I contracting or feeling angry or whatever,

[00:26:22] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

[00:26:23] Damaged Parents: wow. I never thought of that.

[00:26:25] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

Yeah. And I had songs that, you know, but I listened to that. I would always cry.

[00:26:30] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:26:31] Stephanie DeSantis: and it was just like, okay, but if I'm showing an emotion and I'm crying, what's the story there? What am I connecting it back to? Where is it really going? Like, an amazing investigation that I did.

and so I spent a year feeling and learning to understand that emotions. because I'm very visual, started to think about emotions are like clouds.. Some days we have a stormy cloud, it seems like it's sitting right over us. It wants to pour all over us, do its thing and it won't go anywhere.

And then it passes. It always passes. That's an important thing to

[00:27:05] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

Yeah.

[00:27:06] Stephanie DeSantis: But then we have other ones that are like white and fluffy and they're happy and they show up and then they pass and then sometimes they're passing a rapid speed. So I start to use this visual of clouds with emotions and it gave me a sense of calmness of like, okay, just like the clouds past this emotional past to.

[00:27:24] Damaged Parents: Wow. So when you would get into maybe like a really strong emotion. And maybe I call them the un-fun or disregulating emotions. it sounds like you had this peace of mind that it's just like the clouds in the sky and it will pass. So then did that on some of them make it that much easier to sit with it?

[00:27:47] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah, it did. Because again, like the clouds it's going to pass.

[00:27:52] Damaged Parents: So like quite literally, you could just sit there and be like, yeah, I'm feeling angry or I'm feeling frustrated and just not have to do anything about it.

[00:28:03] Stephanie DeSantis: Right. Yeah.

Just have awareness. And like you said, even sometimes it's bringing it out and calling out what it is. Relieves. it's like, hello, I'm here for a reason. I want you to investigate me. I want you to talk to me. I want you to ask me, why am I here? And I will share it with you. And so many people just, and I was one of them, I will say it was like, Nope, the stuff that away, I don't have time for that. I will come back to you later. But, but what happens is they become like screaming children

[00:28:31] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:28:32] Stephanie DeSantis: where it's like, okay, if you take that five minutes, It won't turn into an emotional meltdown for you later. If you just say, okay, I'm going to give you five minutes. What's wrong.

What do you need? What am I doing? What am I afraid of? What's going on? and then you can regulate and say, am I going into the future? And I'm not even aware that's what's causing this, or am I, what behavior am I doing, where I'm causing this? And I'm not even aware that I'm causing it.

[00:28:59] Damaged Parents: Ooh, that's interesting. Right? Like sometimes we aren't aware. So how did you just to sidetracked into that, , I think sometimes it's people in our lives that are mirrors. We get called out and don't even re you know, sometimes it's like, nah, no way. I'm not that.

[00:29:17] Stephanie DeSantis: right, right, right.

[00:29:19] Damaged Parents: In getting to understand your emotions and things like that, was it also, as you begin to understand the emotions, was it also easier to communicate with other people and to hear that feedback and to maybe even say, oh, Yeah, I could see that in me.

I could see where you would feel that way

[00:29:34] Stephanie DeSantis: yeah, absolutely. You start to own your shit. There's no other way to put it. Like you just do. Like your ego seems to start to get checked at the door, which is huge because now you can show up and be like, okay, I can understand my behavior doing this, or, I need to reframe this, or, maybe I could be a better listener or maybe I could express myself differently.

The other part of it too, is that we're all responsible for our own emotions. and that was another big part of it is that.

It's a situation happens. It's good, bad and indifferent. It's how I choose to feel about it is how I'm going to feel about it.

[00:30:15] Damaged Parents: Ooh. that's so true how I choose to feel about it. So then what, you're walking through these situations, this is new for you. Let's say we're in near the beginning. Like sometimes was it like. Yeah, I would like to be over there and I'm just rawr,

[00:30:32] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah. I mean, again, sometimes some days you feel like a cactus on the inside and the outside, you know, there's no, getting around that is they, you know, and I started actually doing a ton of this work too, during the pandemic.

[00:30:46] Damaged Parents: Mm.

[00:30:46] Stephanie DeSantis: so that was, part of that too.

so it was definitely there's a lot of lavender lavender is become my best friend. There's definitely a lavender.

[00:30:56] Damaged Parents: Because the scent lavender is relaxing, right? Like it's

[00:30:59] Stephanie DeSantis: Yup. Yup.

[00:31:01] Damaged Parents: so even in dealing with these moments that we're a highly dysregulating or

[00:31:06] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah, we're having a human experiences. I mean, that's really what we are. And I think that's, why I think so much of us for so many people forget is that we're human beings and we're having human experiences. I want you to have a human experience. Sometimes they're uncomfortable and sometimes they're beautiful and sometimes they're messy and sometimes they're all of the above, but it's still a human experience.

[00:31:29] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:31:30] Stephanie DeSantis: And so what I was learning was to interact with these human experiences that I was having as I'm peeling the layers off the onion that I've created. So I can get to the beautiful center, which is my true self.

[00:31:45] Damaged Parents: like your true nature and being love.

[00:31:48] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

and by loving myself enough. And one of the things that I said to my husband, when I, asked for our divorce was I love you.

And I love me enough to let this go.

[00:32:01] Damaged Parents: It took awhile to get there, though. I'm sure. Before you could say, I love you. And I love me enough. Like even after you made that choice in 2012 to start loving you. You know, what I think would be probably great in that situation though, is that there wasn't anything about having to make him wrong?

Make him the bad guy? No blaming. It's just, Hey,

[00:32:23] Stephanie DeSantis: Nope.

[00:32:24] Damaged Parents: these two things don't seem to be able to exist together. And so we need to move on.

[00:32:30] Stephanie DeSantis: Yeah.

And I think that was one of the beautiful parts for me is that at some point, like my ego got checked. And I didn't need to, I didn't live through it. I didn't need to be right. I didn't need to have blame. I didn't need to have any of those things. I didn't need to get angry and have all these negative emotions to do something about it.

And I think that what comes into play is that it's like, there's this level of strength and clarity that comes from when he's a good man. He's been good to you. You've had a great life from the outside, looking in, you know, but yet at the same time, you're miserable and getting to the point of saying, you know, what?

A lot of people would stay in the situation till they died. But I choose not to, because there's no way in hell my 80th birthday, I'm going to be blown on my candles and. I wish I had. And getting to that point where it's like, okay, I'm going to do this. Even though all these boxes look great on the outside, but for me they're not.

And that's what really matters is for me. They're not, I am here for more. I have served my time here. I have done what I've done. I love you enough to let you go. I love me enough to love me and move forth

[00:33:43] Damaged Parents: yeah. Mm. That's a beautiful message. I just really love that. Okay. So someone's on the edge. And what are the top three things? If they're on the edge that you would say start here.

[00:33:56] Stephanie DeSantis: So I would say if you're able to just journal And again, if you don't want anybody to see it, there's apps like Otter that are out there there's apps that you can do just released it. Just, open your heart and just pour it into a cup somewhere. If it's an app, if it's a journal, if it's whatever it is and then you can burn it after if you really want to.

I would say is a huge, huge part of it. The other thing that I would say is you can start with something small as like I said to me, I choose me.

[00:34:35] Damaged Parents: you used it more like a mantra.

[00:34:37] Stephanie DeSantis: I did end up using it more like a mantra. Yeah.

you know, something as simple as that, and it wasn't an, I am powerful statement. It was, I choose me and whatever it is that kind of comes up through, you use those simple words to talk to yourself and just keep saying them, just save them and save them and save them until you believe them.

Because you may not believe them in the beginning, you may or may not have that pea size in you, but if you're at this point, there is a P inside of you. That is a seed that wants you to love it and give it nourishment. And if you choose one small item, To say to yourself, to act for yourself, to do for yourself.

That's enough for today. And you just keep doing one baby step at a time and they'll get bigger and bigger and bigger, you know? And it's like, you hear people start with these huge grand gestures, but if you're not there, you're not there and it's okay. You're going to get there. You're going to get there, and know that there's people out there. There's people like myself, there's so many other people out there. It doesn't matter who you hire or who you work with. We've walked a mile, we've been there. And I think the other thing that even back to my dyslexia taught me, I have empathy for people and compassion because I know what it was like to feel different or feel alone or go through even all that I've been through, you know?

But at the end of the day, it's just, you don't have to do it alone. You weren't brought here on this earth to do it alone. We have villages. We have community. We have friends, we have family, we have people outside of us. Bartenders. Why do people talk to them? Because they're another human being to connect with.

[00:36:22] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:36:23] Stephanie DeSantis: So they're out there. They're out there. You are never alone. Never.

[00:36:27] Damaged Parents: I love that Stephanie DeSantis, you can find her at https://stephaniedesantis.com. She's also on Instagram, StephanieDeSantis_lifeupgrade, and she's on Facebook. Stephanie.Desantis.5245 I'd love those Facebook. Good.

[00:36:47] Stephanie DeSantis: So nice.

[00:36:49] Damaged Parents: That was so beautiful, but no really, I'm so grateful. I got to have you on the show. Your soul is just beautiful. I feel like there's this, huge sense of. It doesn't matter if someone shows you your mess, you, you just love. And I, that is like one of the best messages I think anyone could send in today's world.

So thank you for being a light of love.

[00:37:11] Stephanie DeSantis: Thank you. Thank you for having me.

[00:37:13] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoy talking to Stephanie about how she learned to talk nicely to herself. We especially liked when she spoke about how she found her voice and her path, and now helps others. To night with other damaged people, connect with us on YouTube. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then