S2E25: How to Give Voice to the Hard and Beautiful Parts of Life
Karen lives in the high desert of southern New Mexico and enjoys reading, writing, anything outdoors, and all things rusty and dusty. She loves to travel and collect stories about lesser-known people and places. She’s been married for 37 years to her high school sweetheart and has 3 adult kids she’s delighted to call friends. Karen believes that everyone’s life story is precious and unique and as the owner of Remembering the Time memoir service works to help people share a life legacy of their personal stories.
Social media and contact information:
@rememberingthetime
Podcast transcript:
[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where beautiful, inspiring, struggling people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.
Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me. To be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Karen Ray. She has many roles in her life. Mom, sister, wife, daughter, writer and more. We'll talk about how she struggled with boundaries and how she found health and healing. Let's talk
Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Karen Ray with us. Karen lives in the high desert of Southern New Mexico and enjoys reading, writing, anything outdoors and all things rusty and dusty. She loves to travel and collect stories about lesser known people and places she's been married for 37 years to her high school sweetheart, has three adult children, she's delighted to call friends. Wow. That's amazing. And Karen believes that everyone's life story is precious and unique and as the owner of Remembering the Time Memoir service works to help people share a life legacy of their personal stories. So like her, I think she's in the trenches with us.
Welcome to the show, Karen.
[00:02:59] Karen Ray: Thank you, Angela. It is great to be here and have a chance to just chat a little bit, and I hope share some ideas and things of value to listeners.
[00:03:07] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I think you will. I mean, there's something about having a life story and I'm getting the idea that you hear struggle all the time when people are sharing their stories with you.
[00:03:22] Karen Ray: Oh, yes. Yeah. Oftentimes my work with clients begins with oral history interviews and I always tell them, you know, I'm going to ask you this really carefully curated set of questions based on what I know about you, you're going to go on all kinds of beautiful rabbit trails, and that is fine.
I want you to talk, here's a box of Kleenex. You're going to cry. You're going to laugh. We're going to do all the things. And yeah, there is given the freedom to do that and knowing that they have. Final say over how, where, and when they want to share their story makes for a cathartic experience and a very positive one, even when talking about hard things and the difficult things that helped shape us as human beings, they are able to process that in a way just by verbalizing that and having someone sit there and say, I just want to listen to you.
And it's, it's transformative.
[00:04:21] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I would think there's something about, you said processing through those things. I heard that word processing, but also by going through the history and the story of what we remember, and we can dig into that in a little bit anyway, because you know, we were having a brief conversation before we started recording guys about memory. Of what we remember and how that impacts our life right now,
[00:04:49] Karen Ray: Yes.
[00:04:50] Damaged Parents: and like telling that story gives us a chance to integrate if we haven't done that yet. So it's not just like a processing, I think it's integrating and kind of, instead of hiding the story away, maybe and tell me if I'm wrong, it's bringing it to the forefront of being able to say.
I went through this and I'm owning it.
[00:05:11] Karen Ray: Yes. I agree. One of the really astounding exercises that I have people do when I'm working with them for a longer period of time is something called a lifeline and therapists use it all the time. I was introduced to it many years ago and realized that it is a perfect tool for both laying out in a kind of a linear fashion, some of your most important memories, and then looking at them and framing them and looking for patterns and learning from them too.
So if you have a minute, I'll just share what that looks like. So people can, could do that on their own at home. Is that okay?
[00:05:54] Damaged Parents: I do want to do that, but I also want to say you are here and have experienced struggle too.
[00:06:00] Karen Ray: Yes.
[00:06:00] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So we'll talk about, I just let's do this, what we talked about, and then we'll get into that struggle because I want people to know that you are relatable, that doing this is not just a job. There's a passion and you transformed also.
[00:06:15] Karen Ray: Absolutely true.
[00:06:17] Damaged Parents: Okay. So let's do this. Let's see what this is like.
[00:06:20] Karen Ray: Okay. Well, I want to say, as we get going the process of family history or memoir writing is a healing experience. Just the process of doing it. It gives you insight into the challenges faced by those that came before you and helped influence who you are today. Their decisions and behaviors affected their parenting, how they interacted with, their children and all of those generational patterns, the good, the bad, and the ugly get passed down.
And we learn from that too. And in some cases we say, you know what, I am determined. I'm never going to do that because this has been my family experience with this, or, oh my gosh. I sound just like my mother. So those things that we realize, oh, I, have some of these same patterns and you know, they're not all negative.
Many of them are positive or the quirky family things that we do, but it helps us to understand and really to connect the generations, I think, to, spend some time sitting with those events, with the damage, with the positive and to be okay with just being there with us for a little while and thinking about it and thinking of how it has impacted us.
[00:07:39] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
Sitting with it. And when you were talking about. Oh, well, I'll never do that. Or I sound like my mother, and you said either, or I'm thinking or both. You know, I swore I would never do some things and instead it was like a whitewater rafting and they tell you don't look at the rock because if you look at the rock you're going to inevitably hit it.
you know, metaphorically crashed spectacularly in my own personal life. So, I think it can be, it could be both too.
[00:08:06] Karen Ray: Yes, it can, both and
[00:08:09] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:08:10] Karen Ray: And those stories that we experienced and the subsequent stories that we tell ourselves about those experiences transform us. And I think that whether someone. Just spend some time being introspective and thinking about their life experiences and stories or whether they find it cathartic to go ahead and take that next step and, write it down.
It's going to just cause such a transformation in how they view those events that can really change the course of a life going forward from that.
[00:08:45] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And we were talking about that earlier is how do we perceive what happened? I have this other question that always pops up. and I don't think you can answer it, but it's, you know, that.
question of for what purpose did I recognize and hold on to this experience and not something else?
[00:09:03] Karen Ray: That is a great question to ask what, for what purpose did I grab on to that thing and not this other one? And if you don't like the thing that you grabbed onto, can you change that? Can you instead shift.
[00:09:16] Damaged Parents: What has been your experience with that? The question like, can you shift, can you shift it into a new story?
[00:09:23] Karen Ray: Uh, Yes. Let me share the story of a gentleman who came to me with. his story, mostly written and he was in his eighties and I read his story that he'd written. And uh, we started working on that to shape it and polish it, he wanted to give it as a gift to his daughters and his profound feeling in his life.
It's very humble, man. Was, did he do anything that had made any difference in anybody's life? Did it matter that he had even been on the planet and in hearing him relate the stories to me audibly, even though I had them in writing, having him talk through some of those and read what he had written and then have him add details as we discussed it.
He began to realize, and I was able to help him see that, yes, he had a profoundly positive impact on his children and he went on to write other books, but just that getting a hold of that idea, that yes, he made mistakes as a father, but all of the good things that he was trying to do as a parent and helping his children have such an impact on them in a positive way that he felt that was
his life's work was to have had some sort of positive impact on somebody and he more than, shot that out of the park. So, that was one example that I just have always remembered and had a pretty profound impact on my own thinking about the importance of sharing story. Most of our stories are not, oh, I survived jumping out of an airplane or, I climb Mount Everest in my spare time.
There was what I call the beautiful ordinary of our stories and how we think about those impacts things just for, for generations past us to.
[00:11:18] Damaged Parents: I love what you said about beautiful ordinary. And also before we move on into the beautiful ordinary that, well, maybe this is part of it actually. You know, It seems like his value was making a difference in a positive way, and that while he made mistakes, that underlying value. Actually became bigger than the mistakes like that, sense of love and that sense of belonging that, people have sometimes, I mean, this is just something that I've even been wondering in my personal life, because I can't do everything right as a parent, it's impossible. And, so. How powerful is that value? How powerful is that love?
[00:12:03] Karen Ray: Yes. Yes. It's worth a tremendous amount. And, as a parent of three adult kids, you know, we've had those same conversations of, oh, there's things that I did not do as a parent or mistakes that I made that sometimes they cause pain. Sometimes they cause laughter, but coming back and talking about those and being able to say as adults, oh, I can see that.
And this was not my intent, but I can see how this hurt you or how it impacted you. And I don't remember who said it, but I read this a few weeks ago. Someone had said we don't realize when we're children, that we are watching our parents grow up. And just that statement has led to profound conversations with my own children and you know, we get along super, but it has, if that learning.
So let me see if I can say it again. We don't realize when we are children that we are watching our parents grow up
[00:13:10] Damaged Parents: Oh, even if your parents are older parents
we're still growing up.
[00:13:15] Karen Ray: You're right. And there's things that we realize and ways to interact with others that you know, in my fifties, I understand better than I did in my twenties and my child raring years when you're just trying to stay awake long enough to, do the things that have to be done and try to be a good mom, all of that.
But that's been, sometimes. Food for a little self-deprecating humor. I'll just share one funny example. My daughter had gone she was off to college and I get this call. She was going to the university in our town. I get this call. I don't know, mom, you never showed me how to use a lock combination locked and her stuff was stuck inside the mandatory um, locker.
And I realized, oh my gosh, I said, you're going to be in therapy when you're 30. I never realized as a parent that I was supposed to teach you how to use a lock. And I just didn't occur to me. And we still laugh about it to this day, but it was one of those, oh, dang moments, and some are much more serious than that, of course, in our lives.
But you know where you can grab the humor. You, take it.
[00:14:24] Damaged Parents: Well, yeah.
And as a parent, too, right. I want to say from my perspective, I cannot be everything for anyone. Even my children where I want to be everything for them, I cannot teach them every little thing that I know it's impossible. And there's gotta be some grace there with that,
[00:14:46] Karen Ray: You've right. I liked your terminate grace, because that is both learning that in ourselves and teaching that to our children and then us all growing in that throughout our lives is probably one of the best things we can do as human beings. And something that I strive for.
[00:15:02] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
I get this real sense of just love and compassion from you. And I'm thinking it's because you've, you've really been in the trenches with so many people. I mean, I've probably tried to started something here or there are many times in my life to tell my life story and it is hard and it can be overwhelming and exhausting.
And I do think that it's helpful to have a partner in crime or a guide one of the to any way to make it fun.
[00:15:35] Karen Ray: You're very right about that. , it is true. And I do run a memoir class. And one of the things I did with my students is have a really talented young woman come in, who is very gifted with family and marriage counseling. And I said, I want you, because we're talking about hard things when we're talking life story or memoir too.
It's not all butterflies and kittens, and this is hard, emotional and mental work, which translates into physical ouch too when we're, sometimes in the depths of that, I said, I want you to come and talk to us about the importance of self care. Within that storytelling journey. And she did a fantastic job and it was just some of the things that she shared with us are just great life, skill things, like box breathing and, that kind of thing to help move through strong emotion and to use strong emotion for our benefit.
It's okay to have those feelings.
[00:16:38] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
and it's okay to, walk away for a minute when it gets to be too much I'm thinking. I'm, thinking I'm not the only one who saw, Ooh, I'm not ready to go there.
[00:16:47] Karen Ray: Right, right. And that is the beauty of, working on your story is you, get to the side, as we were talking earlier, you're the author only, you experienced your story, your memories, how those impacted you. Somebody else could go through the same things and experience it totally differently.
But you are the one that gets to frame your story. So you can frame it in a way that is negative. If you want to think about it that way, this, oh, I've had this hard knock and that hard knock and This didn't go right. And that was hard. You could focus on that or you could say, yes I did experience all of those things, but it has made me, and I'm speaking a little autobiographically here.
It has made me able to be compassionate, to be empathetic, to listen. And do I get triggered when I hear here are hard things to sometimes and other people's stories. So I got to circle back around and be able to give out of a place of a generous listening, but also take care of myself too, with, the hard work sometimes.
[00:18:01] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
So when someone has a story and they're really struggling and you're working with them, I mean, inside of you, do you just go in, I mean, cause you can't just be like, I'm sorry. I'll see you later. I mean, I would, I mean, you could, but you know, I don't think you would. But is it like going into your heart and then just pushing out this love and compassion towards that person as you sit in that traumatic space that is just an, and just really give it space to be.
[00:18:37] Karen Ray: Yes. I, I think you've expressed that well. I do pray before I go in and speak with people. I want to be present and truly listening with them. When I am doing. Oral history, interviews like that, or even if I've been given a, for example, I have about a 400 page memoir document. That's very powerful with a lady I'm working with right now.
And it's beautiful. It's a hard read too. And so after a work session like that, I'm pretty much shot for the day. in order to be able to be present with my own family and go on and do things. I finished that work and I walk with the dog or I listen to good music or I, do some Zumba dancing or something to both, sort of drain off the physical strain, which occurs when you're in the story that much.
Because every person that I've worked with, they get a little piece of my heart, you know, and it's just, the nature of doing the work. And so that keeps me in a healthy place where I can hear story. I can, help them think about ways that they can frame it. I'm not a psychologist, that's not my role, but just my listening to help them frame what they're going to get out of it and what they want their readers to get out of it.
Because many of these stories in books, they get passed on to family members. So it's what do you want your grandchildren to take away from this life experience that you had? What do you want your daughter to know who maybe never heard this part of the story and she's now in her fifties and sees you as a human being, not just mom, you know, what would you like her to know?
And there's a connection there, not just as mom and daughter, but as woman to woman.
[00:20:25] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah.
Now I'm thinking it took you a long time to find boundaries and set, your schedule up to have room for self care. Am I, am I on the right track there? Cause I think it would be hard at first. I mean, you just have this big heart and want to help everybody.
[00:20:43] Karen Ray: Well, I don't work with a lot of people simultaneously, so that let's me do well and focus and really, really do deep dives with folks and really fortunate to be able to work from home for a long time. So I have the flexibility to grab my dog and go on a walk and just those things that my husband and I like to do a lot of, hiking and, exploring as you read in the bio and those types of things that are, you know, away from electronics away from
all the stories. Just let me be present, being a moment and just then be ready and prepared for coming back into this type of work.
Doesn't take a long time, but I didn't do it seamlessly. Yeah. There were times when I was a sobbing burger nosed mess sometimes. This is hard,
[00:21:33] Damaged Parents: yeah.
Well, I mean, I think it's anyone. I mean, even the definition of trauma, if someone experiences trauma, I don't get to decide whether or not it's trauma. It's only for the person who had the experience to decide.
And I think that that's, really important in what you do and in what I do. And talking about struggle that it's, very much your definite what happened to you and how you experienced it.
And so many things that can happen inside of us at the same time that will impact. And in our history and things like that, that might impact that trauma which might lead to, depression and PTSD and anxiety and things like that. And I think on some level, helping people process through that and to get to the other side with what they really want.
That's so beautiful. And it's reminding me. I remember I was talking to a friend of mine. Oh gosh. Many years ago. at least three. And, I remember sitting on the couch thinking, you know, we could just rewrite with disabilities and stuff that it can be hard. And she had had some significant struggles in her life.
So I jokingly just started saying, do you know we could just rewrite our story, like literally rewrite the story. We don't have to go with what we think happened because memory, you know, for those of us that have history and psychology and things like that is not perfect, so that's also possible too.
We could rewrite. Even our perception of what we think we remember, because that's not perfect. Right.
[00:23:13] Karen Ray: Yes, that expression and the way you put that is ideal. Yes.
[00:23:17] Damaged Parents: Really explain?
[00:23:19] Karen Ray: Okay. If you're thinking back to say perhaps a troubled time in. I can think back to my own adolescence and being very angsty, being full of, depression, a lot of horrible things going on. Just in, in my parents' marriage that I internalized and it was just really hard.
And so looking back at that, I can frame that as well bad rep trying to start into adulthood. And that just stinks. And, you know, they weren't present for me. And, you know, made bad choices after that because of, being so wound up in this and that can frame the rest of my life, or I can say, yeah, that was really hard.
I've got to acknowledge that. No person can be everything to us. I think you, you said something to that effect earlier. It's, not fair for us to expect other human beings to fulfill that whole role for us and be everything. And as teenagers, we don't know that. So I'm reframing that when I work, maybe on my own lifeline and say, oh, there was this very, very hard time in my life.
That. I think started sowing the seeds. How I reframe that now is those horrible you're not enough. you're not this. You're not that you're failing school. That all, not enough can never be good enough. Developed the groundwork for helping to see others struggling with the same thing and this intense desire to help honor people and help them see the value that they have just intrinsically by being this wonderful creation.
And you know could I tell my 15 year old self that in retrospect, yes, I actually can. I can go back and I can sort of think about those memories and think here's what I would tell you today. If I was sitting beside you, my younger self, what would I tell you?
[00:25:19] Damaged Parents: Hmm, you know, That just reminds me of I think it was in, one of Dean Radin book, Real Magic. I'm not certain don't quote me on that. But he talked about. I think it was monks or something or pray or someone praying. And they prayed for these people. And, it was a group of people that were randomly selected in a medical situation.
And they actually healed faster. And when they went back and pulled the data, so it's really interesting. We don't really know how some of that works, but there is something to going back and saying it's okay. You made it.
[00:25:56] Karen Ray: Right, right. And reframing those events. Some are horrible that people experience. Do you allow that to have a grip on you? It is easy to say that to reframe it. It is very hard to do it. I don't pretend to understand how it works in some cases and not in others, but I think the beginning to first not run away from your story, but to accept it, like I said earlier, to sit with it and to look at it.
At the life events in context with the other things that went on in your life, the things that make you, who you are and begin to focus on the healing aspects of those outcomes, the repercussions. Yeah. There's hard ones too. Sometimes there's PTSD, but what are some other things that might not have happened
that you've learned about yourself or ways that you relate to others that maybe you just reframe that now. And, yes, I can now do this because of where I was and move, move forward with that. Doesn't take the pain away, but it like I don't know, like aging, a fine wine or something it mellows it. And gives it a flavor and a value that it did not have before in it's raw element.
[00:27:19] Damaged Parents: Well, I think what I'm hearing you saying, and I'll all kind of do a little bit about me without my disability. I wouldn't have had these other experiences. And I certainly wouldn't have the compassion that I have now for other people. And I certainly wouldn't be able to have this podcast and talk to other people, but before I owned the story, I had to process through that.
And it was very hard and depressing and sad. And at the same time, I wouldn't be here now. Without that. So I could look at it and I could've stayed in that. I think I could've stayed in that depression. I could've stayed in well, they only want me to be at home because I have to have a caregiver because my hands don't work.
And then I could've stayed with the company that said, we're, gonna limit this to CMS guidelines. And I could have said, okay, well, I'm okay. And I could have resigned myself to "I am a victim". And instead that rage, I think came up and said, absolutely not. I am here. And because I am, that is enough and I am valuable and therefore I'm going to see what I can do to make a difference. that's what you're talking about. I think.
[00:28:34] Karen Ray: yes, I love it. You said it well.
[00:28:37] Damaged Parents: Well, I want people to really see, I think it's helpful to really, really hear what you're saying. And I thought maybe an example to that extent might be helpful. That's what you do. You help people work through that part of the journey and getting to that point of this is the value of this journey.
[00:29:01] Karen Ray: Yes. Yes. And as they tell that story to me or write it on their own and we go back and edit it. But as they go through that process of storytelling, I take them through multiple exercises to draw out, not just for example. This is a fictional example. I hopped in the car and drove across country.
My senior year of college from, Massachusetts to California to start a new life. That's a story. Not really. the deeper story as well. Who did you need along the way? How did you feel about that? let's get some senses involved in this. What did you think about that? What on earth you know did you decide to do that with your parents blessing?
Did you just want to leave everything behind and start from scratch and really pulling out, not just the reader's digest version of you get three sentences to tell me this, but I want everything. If you give me too much, that's okay. we can work with that and pair it down to distill your, story but as they do that, they start to get those aha moments of oh, This is why I was doing that.
And I never really thought about it before, or here's the impact that's had on my family is still using this fictional example. You know, here's what that meant for my younger siblings and maybe their sense of adventure going forward in life or their ability to stand up and live their own lives and make their own decisions.
And they just start to see that. And they also start to, to make connections to those authors do make connections with the decisions that they make, the outcomes of that. Their power to make those and how they think about it. And it just is a very healing thing, even though those events, you know, they made them happen decades ago, but just that freedom of, oh, and I can see it come on their face.
That is interesting. I had one really neat lady that I worked with. We went through a whole oral history. She had written quite a few things to bring in that, you know, English teacher. So of course we were speaking the same language. And when we got to the end of that, we were thinking about a title and I said, I see just this constant theme running through here.
And it's, kind of like a thread. And she said, that's it. That is for her. Her book strong threads was the theme of her faith running through her life that she could see from the time that she was a little girl. And how that had strengthened her all the way up into her eighties and what that has meant for her own life and for her family and grandchildren.
And that was her aha moment and framing some of the hows and whys. And, I don't understand this, but I can see the pattern in that one. I turned that cloth over at the end of that story of my life. And there it is. Look at that.
[00:32:08] Damaged Parents: Wow I'm thinking of what is it, embroidery, where it's a terrible mess on the back and the beautiful
[00:32:14] Karen Ray: Yes.
[00:32:14] Damaged Parents: front.
[00:32:15] Karen Ray: Yes, that's very true. And I know that example's been around for a while, but that was the first time and I've done, you know, cross stitch and embroidery. So I get that mine's an absolute mess in the back, but that was the first time that I had encountered that in story format. And we were sitting in my living room, wrapping up an interview and I went and grabbed one of those old eighties cross stitches off the wall.
I said, look, this is exactly what we're talking about. Yep. This is it. So.
[00:32:42] Damaged Parents: oh, that's amazing. I mean, it just seems like. helping people tell their story and helping them heal is really what ends up happening. And what an honor
[00:32:53] Karen Ray: Yeah, I, really do feel that way, Angela, whether I stepped in and worked on just a small project with someone or a full life one, I do a lot of freelance writing here. So that means I'm doing short profiles also of, individuals around and so I get to step into their life for an hour and interview them.
But each one of those is a chance to, honor life and more importantly than me honoring their lives is for them to start to get a vision, to honor their own lives and see the value that they have, which is huge. If I can step away from even just a short interaction like that, knowing that it prompted a little bit of thinking about how they can
reframe or, share their experiences either in their own conversations with themselves or with family members, that's going to have impact both for their life and on down for generations as they see the importance have had.
[00:33:55] Damaged Parents: Yeah, it almost seems like it could heal even generational damage by integrating and processing. So that future generations don't have to carry that burden.
[00:34:06] Karen Ray: Yeah, that is very true. We hear all the time about how important it is for medical records to be able to share in generationally. uh, like in my case, you know, a great grandmother died of colon cancer. I'm aware of that. So I pay good attention cause I know this is a generational thing.
There are families where other types of, things that they struggle with, maybe it's alcoholism or you've got a pattern I'll leave it at that. any number of there that could happen, that we passed down generationally because we are just human. We're just fallible human beings.
We do our best. Sometimes we don't even know how to do the things that we're now in this role of, doing. And we know a lot more now about how to be a good parent, then our great grandparents did,
[00:34:53] Damaged Parents: Yeah, or we don't even know sometimes what we do because of those subconscious and unconscious behaviors that were passed down generationally. So until we really look, how could we know, how could we possibly know? And sometimes I think, it's easy enough for me to know who I am in my room, without any people and in relationship to that room. right.
But in order for me to learn more about who I am, I have to go out and bump into all these other people and experience them. And then they get to mirror back to me who I am. And it's like being open to , what they're going to tell me about me and what I'm going to live by. .
And I think you're one of those people that is, is stronger than the bumping into the person on the street. right. You're, really that true mirror back to the person, writing the story, writing the memoir that says, this is what I see.
[00:35:51] Karen Ray: Yeah. And that's what they're looking for from me too, is what are you seeing in this story helped me to see it. And so one of the things that, that when people engage in that journey of family history writing, or their memoir, One of the things it does usually is it starts them on a quest of talking story with their other family members.
And that's where you get those sort of bumping into things, because we all have sometimes very opinionated differences about how we see things, you know, one gal I'm working with . She has a brother who, they laugh about it. Were we born in two different families? We didn't We don't remember any of the same things. We were there at the same time. And so our experiences were so foreign that how do we reconcile that? And sometimes you don't, sometimes it's just. This was my reality. and here it is, if you'd like to read it, but just as you'll have people joke about, going to a family reunion and meeting up with all these folks that are like, oh, this is the tribe I'm part of really.
And we have, we have a good laugh about it, but it's all that uniqueness that seasons tends to clot pretty well. And, you know, we add our own. Little bits in there just by walking in the room. But I think that that storytelling, that it prompts that connects the generations and creates conversations that you would not have had
otherwise, for example one, one lady I know. And she hated the holidays. And so didn't understand that her children were really upset. So every year the holidays were this hard thing. And, and why is that? You know what I mean, wrecking it for everybody. And finally, and talking family history and stories and memories learned that there were some really horrible things that happened around an alcoholic
parent in her growing up that seemed to be exasperated during holiday times. And so for her, that was the reason why this was really difficult. And even for her to voice that it suddenly became a ha you know what? That was a long time ago. I don't have to let that own what I do now, but then for her children to hear that and just to understand.
This was something that was laid at her door, you know, no fault of her own. She had to deal with it and this is why it's hard
[00:38:24] Damaged Parents: So even her sharing that with the children, I think what I'm hearing is it almost, it allows them to heal too, from the things they
may not have gotten.
[00:38:33] Karen Ray: Yes, because instead of taking it personally that, oh yeah, she was just cranky during holidays and we thought it was us, it was no, no. She went through this hard thing that was very difficult for her to get over and she still struggled with it, but now they can have compassion and mercy, they can also help redirect because they know, and they can be honest with each other then.
look, we know we're headed into holiday season. This was kind of hard. Maybe we don't do it the same way. We've always done it. How about we mix things up and change the story a little bit and make some new memories that will heal our family then going forward. So that's kind of where they landed on with that.
[00:39:16] Damaged Parents: Oh, that's awesome. That's so beautiful. Now, people can find you @RememberingTheTime. That's your tag right for? Are you what social media
[00:39:25] Karen Ray: Yup. All kinds of social media. You can find me on, I have a website https://RememberingTheTime.net I'm on Facebook and Instagram, Pinterest even, and try to share a variety of different content on all of those places. There's a blog on the website and there is a short quick start your memoir class that I have on the Skillshare teaching platform.
That is about a 30 minutes, gets you a jumpstart with sharing your story and walk you through some questions. So those are all just some great resources that are out there, and I'm happy to talk story, or just listen to ideas that people have so many ways to reach me through those avenues. So I'd be delighted to talk with any of your listeners
[00:40:12] Damaged Parents: yeah, Thank you, so much. You just seem like you have a beautiful soul. I'm so grateful that I got to have you here on this show, and I'm so grateful for the wisdom that you were able to share today. Thank you so much, Karen. Ray.
[00:40:24] Karen Ray: Thank you, Angela. It's been a pleasure to visit with you. Take care.
[00:40:28] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Karen about how she helps others share their journeys. We especially liked when she spoke about the ordinary extraordinary and how everyone has their own beautiful journey. To night with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook.
Look for damaged parents will be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
