S2E20: How Feeling Her Breasts Saved Her Life

I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 33 after experiencing medical gaslighting from my (former) practitioner. A self breast exam saved my life though! 16 rounds of chemo, 24 rounds of radiation, a double mastectomy, a hysterectomy and a 10-hour flap reconstruction later ... I created an app the help women advocate for their breast health. It's called Feel For Your Life, and it's been downloaded almost 10,000 times. :-)

Social media and contact information:

Instagram: @feelforyourlife // @feelforyourlife
Facebook: https://facebook.com/feelforyourlife

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where imperfect lumpy feeling people come to learn, maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole

those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.

Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person that gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Jessica Baladad. She has many roles in her life, daughter, breast cancer survivor lover of people, app creator, and more.

We'll talk about how she found the lump in her breast herself. Which probably would not have happened if she hadn't regularly done her breast self exams. And how she found health and healing let's talk

Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents today, we have Jessica Bal- oh my gosh. I forgot to ask you how to say your name. I'm going to try though. Baladad.

[00:02:13] Jessica Baladad: Pretty close, Baladad.

[00:02:14] Damaged Parents: Baladad. I was close. You guys check it out. I love my listeners because they understand sometimes I just fail. But Jessica is an amazing woman who has survived breast cancer at the age of 33.

And she has created an app called feel for your life that has been downloaded almost 10,000 times. Thank you so much for coming to the show Jessica

[00:02:40] Jessica Baladad: Well, thank you so much for having me. I'm really glad to be here today.

[00:02:44] Damaged Parents: Oh, for sure. Now you were diagnosed at the age of 33 after experiencing medical gaslighting from your practitioner. Tell me about that.

[00:02:56] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. Well, I had been in the habit of doing self breast exams since I was 18 years old. And. that came from a benign tumor I had in my breast removed while I was in college. So it was that experience and being mindful of breast cancer on my dad's side of the family, that just kept me in the habit for, like what, 15 years from 18 to 33.

I think if my math is right, that's about 15 years of doing self breast exams and it was January of 2018. January did my self breast exam February did my self breast exam and March I skipped it because I thought who better than my practitioner then to do a clinical exam and to be more thorough on my breast, she will probably catch things that maybe I wasn't aware of or can identify like funny little bumps.

Cause women's breasts are naturally lumpy for many reasons it's something that you should always talk to your doctor about, so you can define your normal. I go to that appointment, she goes over my breasts and doesn't say anything to me. So she's like, all right, you're good. Get dressed. I'm like, okay.

See you in a year. Two weeks after that, I'm in the shower. And I thought well it's time to do my self breast exam. It's at the end of my menstrual cycle. Should I do it? I just saw the doctor and I thought, yeah, I just need to stay in the habit. So here we are into April, I'm doing my self breast exam a right side.

Feels fine. The right side is where I had that benign tumor and I make sure to check it thoroughly, everything there is. Okay. I go to the left I started at the top and the 12 o'clock position. And I worked my fingers down to 1, 2, 3, right around the three, four o'clock position I felt a lump and I thought, my god.

Let me check the other side. And I checked the other side to see if there was like a mirrored lump, because sometimes I've found ribs, I've found different little lobes and whatnot, and I can usually match it up to the other side, but this time I couldn't and I thought. This isn't good. This might be cancer.

I'm I'm in my thirties now. And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, hang on. I'm in the best shape of my life. I work out almost every day. I lift weights. I can run a marathon. I eat, well, I don't drink or smoke. I'm not a prude I just know that.

my alcohol limit is zero. I'm a cheap date. Yeah. So anyway. I'm checking out this lump and I remembered, wait, I just went to the doctor. She surely would have told me about this lump. I'm fine. I'm good. So after my little freak out moment, I still got out of the shower and I go to Dr. Google Right.

away because Google does everything and I'm Googling breast cancer symptoms.

I don't have any dimpling. There's no puckering. No rash, no bleeding, no discharge. I'm like, I'm fine. I just have this lump, it's probably, some hormonal thing it'll go away. I'll be fine. And So I ignored it. And because the last thing I told myself was I just went to the doctor and I'm fast forwarding a lot here, but I got that report back after I went into remission and I'm looking at it and she marked my breasts as normal because she thought I was too young to get breast cancer.

Even though she had an awareness of my dad's side of the family, having breast cancer. She had marked normal because she's like, I thought you were too young and you have a history of benign tumors. And so I didn't send you for additional testing or imaging and I'm like, thanks. You know, For ignoring me.

Yeah.

[00:06:48] Damaged Parents: You had to kind of fight against the grain of that report. Then I'm assuming are really press clinicians to give you further testing. I would think.

[00:07:01] Jessica Baladad: Yeah.

Here it was April, 2018. I'm living my life over the summer and I just noticed that. I'm taking really long naps in the middle of the day. I work from home. I've been working from home since 2014 and like my naps. I usually take a power nap. My power naps are going from 30 minutes to two plus hours to where I had to set an alarm to wake up.

And I was waking up very, very groggy. I was sleeping well through the night, seven to nine hours, but I was so tired and. I was, I woke up from a nap one day, I'm going through Snapchat. And I see the story of a woman. I had met at a wedding a few months prior. It was my sister's wedding. And I text my sister, I'm going through this story.

I see she's shaving her head. And I texted my sister. I said, why is so-and-so shaving her head? And my sister's like, oh, she's about to start chemotherapy for breast cancer. I'm like, what

[00:07:57] Damaged Parents: right.

[00:07:58] Jessica Baladad: she was only a year older than me. And I thought I got to get this lump checked out. So I went back to the doctor. I saw a different practitioner that day.

And then I'm talking to her and she just looks very concerned when she's going over my breasts, but she doesn't say anything to me. She tells me to get dressed, leaves the room sends her nurse in, and the nurse is like, all Right.

we're going to get you a mammogram. And I'm like, Well, why, what, did the doctor say?

And she looks at me and she's like, well, I don't know. I'm not a mind reader. And I'm like, well, could you go find out?

[00:08:35] Damaged Parents: , you know, how you go to the doctor's office and the medical assistant comes in and you tell them. Everything. I finally quit that because it didn't matter. They didn't

[00:08:45] Jessica Baladad: Yeah.

[00:08:46] Damaged Parents: get passed along. The, the medical assistant couldn't even tell me if there was something in my chart.

I either had to wait for a nurse or a doctor. And so many people don't know that. And then the medical assistant is the one getting all the information that it's the doctor that really needs, you know? and then the doctor forgets to share it back sometimes. And it's just very frustrating. So I'm really glad you brought that up.

That's so frustrating.

[00:09:10] Jessica Baladad: well, I'm glad you brought that up. Cause you fill out the forms, then you talk to a medical assistant or a nurse or somebody. Maybe you may talk to a third person before actually talking to the doctor and you're repeating yourself so many times. It's did you even read my stuff? that's, it's so frustrating.

Yes. And that's why I'm so big on like breast health, advocacy and medical advocacy in general, because of my experience and the experiences that I hear about. But yeah, so I've got this really feisty nurse. Who's trying to schedule my mammogram and I am pushing her to know what the doctor thinks about this lump.

And so she leaves the room. She rolls her eyes at me and leaves

[00:09:54] Damaged Parents: No, she did not.

[00:09:55] Jessica Baladad: she did, she did because they knew, I think they knew. And they were very afraid. I think they knew because I had been in there before I was, there just a few months ago and now I was back and I don't think they wanted to like, I think they were really scared and for various reasons, but anyway, the nurse comes back in and she tells me three words firm, smooth, and dense.

That's what our notes say. I'm like, okay, well I have questions

[00:10:25] Damaged Parents: What does that mean?

I'm sorry, I'm laughing, but I'm

[00:10:30] Jessica Baladad: no,

[00:10:31] Damaged Parents: That's not helpful.

[00:10:32] Jessica Baladad: I'm in a place where I'm laughing about it too. I get it. So yeah. What does that mean? I asked to talk to the doctor, the nurse puts me off and I was like, well, she's going to be a while. I said, Well,

I'll wait.

I waited 90 minutes an hour and a half to talk to the doctor again. And Yeah, and during this time I get doctors, nurses, staff, they're all busy. I heard the microwave go on and off. I heard chatting and laughing and the hallways and I get it. Take your break, do what you have to do, whatever you were heating up for lunch smelled really good by the way.

Well, I'm sitting there Googling cancer. Yeah. On my phone but she eventually comes back in and I talked to her, I said, so is this indicative of cancer? And she's like all I can tell you is that it's a lump. And then she looks at me and says, honey, no matter what happens, God is gonna use you through this. And my first thought was, oh God, this is bad.

No one has ever told me that when I've had the sniffles, when I've had a UTI doctors, don't tell that to people when they have STDs, you know, don't worry.

[00:11:42] Damaged Parents: Yeah, what I'm thinking is she doesn't even have enough information at this point to even know what's going to happen. And I'm just thinking that had to have been some sort of divine intervention on some level.

[00:11:53] Jessica Baladad: Sure. She shares with me also that she just buried her sister who died from breast cancer. Uh,

[00:12:00] Damaged Parents: She did not.

[00:12:01] Jessica Baladad: she Did

[00:12:02] Damaged Parents: Did you go into the gutter after that?

[00:12:05] Jessica Baladad: I mean, I am just terrified. Lots of four-letter words went through my mind four and five letter words. But I was genuinely terrified. One, no one in my family really knew what was going on. My husband knew, I told him that I had a lump, I was getting checked out, but he is so happy. Go lucky and optimistic.

I didn't want to worry him about it. And he probably thought this is just something that girls, that women get checked out every now and then. oh, you know, I didn't convey the seriousness of it to my husband because I didn't want to worry him either. And because I didn't know either at this point, he doesn't know during this time I have an aunt on my dad's side of the family.

My dad's oldest sister is getting ready to pass a breast cancer. And my dad's was back and forth between north Eastern, Kentucky and Nashville.

[00:12:55] Damaged Parents: Mm.

[00:12:56] Jessica Baladad: Working in handling that a lot of it. So a lot going on, I'm keeping it to myself. It's like this big secret to me basically. And, yeah, a lot of people ask me, well, didn't your husband feel the lump?

And the answer is. It was really, really deep up in there. A lot of people are surprised that like, when I talk to practitioners and doctors about how the lump was discovered, I tell them I found it and they're generally impressed because it was deep inside of my breast. So I go to the mammogram appointment and.

I get a mammogram and I immediately get sent to the ultrasound room

[00:13:36] Damaged Parents: oh, Yeah. You're like, this is bad. Okay. before you move on with the aunt dying of, breast cancer and things like that, and the doctors saying what they said, how were you managing emotionally during that time? I mean,

were you sleeping more sad? Okay. Like in shock,

[00:13:54] Jessica Baladad: In shock I was scared my biggest concern. Wasn't about what I had. It was about how am I going to keep this from other people? I don't want to burden them or worry them with everything going on with my aunt and my family right now, because breast cancer has effect. I'm the fourth generation in my family on my dad's side of the family to get breast cancer. My great grandmother, my grandmother, five of her sisters,

[00:14:26] Damaged Parents: Hm.

[00:14:26] Jessica Baladad: two aunts and then me. you know, It's a really touchy subject, breast cancer. And, it just, people say that breast cancer runs in their family. Well, it's sprints in mine I say It sprints. I was just kinda trying to put on a show at this point.

Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah. I'm just gone to these doctor's appointments. And I remember my dad telling me, Hey, you need to come up to Kentucky and see your aunt. She's getting ready to pass soon. I said, okay, dad, I will be there as soon as I can. I have these doctor's appointments I really need to get in, but I, I will be there as soon as I can.

I'm sure everything's fine. My sister was on her honeymoon with her husband at the time. I was not about to wreck that for her. And then. My mom at the time was taking care of my grandparents and up in North Dakota. So I'm just like, you know, husband started a new job. Everybody has life things going on.

I don't have time to fall apart.

[00:15:21] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And it sounds super lonely too.

[00:15:24] Jessica Baladad: Oh, oh yeah.

[00:15:25] Damaged Parents: and so did you reach out in that time or were you just not even capable of that in that moment? Did you at least have a friend to lean on? What, did you do?

[00:15:37] Jessica Baladad: I did tell one person, one friend like, Hey, I've got this going on. I don't know what it is. Can you come with me to these appointments and she really wasn't available. She's got kids and everything. So I just kept it to myself. I just I'm like, all Right.

You know what? when there's something to tell, I will tell them, but for now, if I get emotionally wrapped up in all of this and it's nothing, I'm going to look like I'm just full of drama.

So I'm just like, I'm just going to keep it to myself. We don't know until we know I'm not saying anything until I know something, I just have to get through life. Plus I'm really big into my career also. And I was traveling a lot and I had trips coming up and I like places I really wanted to go. And I was just like, I don't have time for cancer. , I'm still in great shape. I've still been going to the gym. I'm just really tired all the time. So I'm not really handling it at all. I'm ignoring it.

[00:16:38] Damaged Parents: Yeah, you're ignoring it. Did you have a great relationship with God or, or whatever higher power you looked to and were you able to at least depend on that?

[00:16:48] Jessica Baladad: absolutely. Absolutely. Especially, I guess I prayed more for God to take care of my family. And just to give me the strength, whatever happens happens. And I probably my conversations with God are not very poetic. They're really a lot of them, I pray every night and I thank him and I ask him to forgive me of my sins for the day, and to help me to be a better person for each day.

I thank him for helping me find missing socks that I can't find stuff like that. I think at this point I was so scared to even address it with God. I was so scared because I didn't even know what to ask for or what to say that I don't even think I really brought it up with God other than for God to take care of my family.

[00:17:34] Damaged Parents: That's actually really beautiful. Okay. Now we can go on. I just wanted to, in the midst of that struggle feeling so alone, it's just, I really wanted to understand. I think it's helpful to, for other people who might be going through that same struggle that maybe it's okay. That it does feel alone and maybe God is only one, but maybe not.

And maybe you can reach out or, or not. Right?

[00:17:56] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. Yeah. But I do know He was with me the entire way, even when I didn't even know it. So Yeah.

He really was because, in that ultrasound room. I'm laying there with my left hand up above my head and the tech is going over the left side of my left breast. And I just hear the space bar on her computer going cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting.

And like that tumor. I don't know if it was posing or what, but she was taking a lot of photos of it. And then she stops and she's hang on. I need to go get the radiologist. And I'm like, Oh, great. I get the VIP treatment. There's not going to be a letter that says, two weeks from now that says, Hey, come back in six months.

It's I get to meet the radiologist right then and there. So he comes in the room, he looks like he's only a few years older than me. It probably around my husband's. age And, you know, not that, that really matters. I just happened to notice that that maybe I could relate to him since he was about my age and he's going over my breasts with the tech really guiding everything.

And he stops her and says, wait, get that lymph node, that big one. And I sat up and I'm like lymph node. And he's like, He's like, look, I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I've seen this before. I'm pretty sure it's cancer. Meet me at the hospital at eight o'clock tomorrow morning. I'll do your biopsy right away.

And I just remember, I was just like, I thanked him and I'm like, thank you because I had an answer and I knew what it was and I was this weird relief. I had been so anxious about what it may have been. And I was trying to talk myself out of it being cancer, that when he told me that I'm like, oh, thank God we have a name on it now.

And then I had the freak out moment. Oh,

wait, we have a name and it's cancer. Um, Or it probably is cancer. you know, they just can only see it on the imaging. That's when I'm like, all right, I can be there, but I'm going to need your help calling my family cause nobody knows what is going on right now. And I need someone's help. And I just remember he had the tech assist me and calling my husband. I then called um, my mom and my mom was going to book a flight to Nashville. My husband and I couldn't even say the words to my husband. I just I need you to leave work now and meet me at my dad's house.

He's like, what's wrong. I said I can't, I can't just meet me at my dad's house.

[00:20:42] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:20:43] Jessica Baladad: I called my dad and that was a hard phone call. He's getting ready to lose his oldest sister. He had already lost his youngest sister to breast cancer, previously back in 2014. And I was like, dad, stop what you're doing.

I really need you right now. And I need you to listen to me. And I told him, I just

pass the phone to the technician. And the tech told my dad what was going on. And he's like, I'm going to send your step-mom to where you are to come pick you up. Everybody agreed that I shouldn't drive. And that moment. Yeah, So she came in and, after that they had a nurse sit with me and talk to me. I don't remember everything she said. But she sat there with me while I was just basically stoic until my step-mom got there. and I was just so grateful to like, I felt like I was letting this big secret out.

Like I could finally, it wasn't news. I wanted to give, but it was like an exhale of relief because I wasn't holding on to it

[00:21:44] Damaged Parents: Yeah, and I am so amazed and impressed with the staff at the imaging center. That

the way they held, the space for you. And how they supported you. I don't think that that happens. I wish I saw it more in this world of this is a big deal and that they sat with you by you made phone calls and they helped you.

You, you know, with words, I just think that is so beautiful. So not like in that moment you had support from them. And now it sounds like the family starting to come in and, it's almost like, you know, the trust fall, this is reminded me of that. Like they're, catching you all of them.

[00:22:27] Jessica Baladad: Yeah, that's a great visual right there. That's exactly what was happening. Yeah. So I was kind of like on the ledge there, like not wanting to fall backwards, but they were there to catch me

[00:22:39] Damaged Parents: And you were falling anyway, regardless

[00:22:41] Jessica Baladad: exactly. Yeah. I, yeah, I was falling anyways

[00:22:44] Damaged Parents: you didn't want to, but you were

[00:22:46] Jessica Baladad: Right. I mean, that's just what happens.

Yeah, but you know, step-mom came and got me and then we're talking on the way home. She's trying to keep it light. And she's talking about some different recipes and stuff, and I'm appreciating that, it's kinda heavy in the car. Cause I'm just telling myself like a few months ago, I didn't know I had cancer.

What's the difference between then and now I'm still me. I'm still the same person. I'm not on fire, it's just that I know now I know I have cancer for sure.

[00:23:17] Damaged Parents: Yeah. It's almost like that question. What changed between a minute ago and, or the moment before and the moment after the only difference is knowing?

[00:23:26] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. Exactly. And I was texting my friends. Hey

I'm going to be at my dad's in White House. Can you meet me there? A White House is where I grew up and it's a town about 30 minutes north of Nashville. And I was just telling my friends from my hometown, Hey, I'm going to be at my dad's house, meet me there.

It's really important. And to get that text from me, I'm not really the one to reach out like that. So they knew it was serious. And so I had friends there. My family there. And my husband and I said, All right, I'm going to tell you how we got to this point. And I'm just very I don't know if diplomatic is the right word, but I am speaking very matter of factly.

It was almost like this disassociated out of body experience. Like I'm talking about somebody else, but not me because I was talking to them in the same tone. I am talking to you right now. Yeah. So here's why I was, this is what I found and when, and I went to the doctor and blah, blah, blah, and then I told them. I said, it's going to be okay.

 We don't know until we have an answer and then they all break down crying and then I'm in tears. And and then the same people come with me to my biopsy, which was the next day.

[00:24:45] Damaged Parents: All of them.

[00:24:45] Jessica Baladad: all of them, at this, point, no one is leaving me alone for anything. Um, I had been alone all summer with this big secret, this lump in my breast that I also was denying, but I think I secretly knew what it was, this ticking time bomb that was just basically ready to explode and.

I wasn't telling anybody I was carrying this. So, it was heavy and it was only like a four. And when I say heavy, I mean metaphorically, but physically, it was only like the size of a golf ball.

[00:25:19] Damaged Parents: Well, I think everyone knows that feeling walking into a room and there's this heavy, emotional, heavy feeling about it, or walking into a room and there's this light jovial or love, enjoy feeling like I'm at either ends of the spectrum. I think it's harder in the middle, but yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me.

[00:25:38] Jessica Baladad: yeah. got the biopsy done and then it was done on a Friday. I remember. And when it was just me.

the ultrasound tech and the radiologist, he was pulling the sample out of my breast while my family and friends were in the waiting room. And I remember. I said I don't want to see it. Can you turn the monitor?

I don't want to see it. And they respected that and cause I wasn't ready to look at it. I wasn't ready to face it yet. And I maintain that for quite a while throughout my diagnosis. But there was a part where he needed to add epinephrin to increase my heart rate a little. So I wouldn't bleed so much.

And I said, oh, you won't need to do that. I'm anxious enough. I got this and he's like, really? And I'm like, yeah. I said, give me just a second. And I started thinking of the possibility of me having cancer. It raised my heart rate. He did what he needed to do. He's like, Yeah. you're Right.

You're doing great. I didn't need that at all.

[00:26:40] Damaged Parents: I, love those that you point that out. That just depending on what we think of. about impact our body in such uh, just it, the heart rate in, and there's an emotion going on. And I think that's pretty, pretty neat to think about.

[00:26:56] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. I'm, I'm not the type. I don't drink coffee and people are always like, well, how do you get through your day? How are you a morning person? And I'm like, oh, I run on adrenaline and anxiety. I don't need coffee.

[00:27:09] Damaged Parents: Well, the good news is you knew how your body worked.

[00:27:15] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. And it served me really well. And that moment he was like kinda snickering impressed. When I told him like, look, I got this. And we finished up and I, got dressed and I tell him, I said is there any way to expedite the sample? I'll pay extra for it just to get it.

And he's like, I understand where you're coming from, but our lab techs don't work on the weekends. You may not hear from me until Tuesday or Wednesday. I said, okay. I understand. That room went out to the waiting room. I'm casually walking through see my family. I can tell they all just stand up.

I'm like, Hey, let's go eat lunch. I'm Like we're all done. And again,

[00:27:57] Damaged Parents: trying to keep the energy light.

[00:27:59] Jessica Baladad: exactly, exactly. I'm like, what are y'all craving? I'm hungry. And they're like, oh, okay. So Yeah.

And my mom at this time, she's in North Dakota trying to get to Tennessee and there are not a lot of flights that go in and out of Bismarck.

So she's kind of at war with the airlines, trying to get out of there. So she's not in town until like Saturday, Sunday, I want to say. And then she was staying with my husband and I at our house, but the weekend, I did stuff with my family. I told my husband's family. We let them know what was going on during this time and what we were waiting on and what we were expecting.

So I'm just like, we're out as I'm just acting like everything's fine. I've got pictures of us hanging out, laughing, talking, whatever. I'm just trying to get through until I know something for sure.

[00:28:50] Damaged Parents: Right.

[00:28:51] Jessica Baladad: Um, monday comes around. I haven't talked with my husband and my mom that day. I said, look, the weekend's over, I'm expecting a call sometime this week from radiology. If you see me walk off to be alone, do not follow me. Please do not follow me. I want to take this in myself. I don't want anyone around me. I got a call around four o'clock on Monday, and I wasn't expecting it that soon because he had just told me, the sample probably wouldn't be ready through the weekend.

Cause the lab isn't open over the weekend, but they had it ready and I run Into my bedroom into the closet. And I remember the doctor telling me like Hey, I told you, I thought it was cancer. Well, it's confirmed. It is cancer. And I thanked him for the confirmation. I just kind of sat there with it for a minute.

I walk out of my bedroom and there's my husband and my mom, and

[00:29:46] Damaged Parents: there waiting.

[00:29:47] Jessica Baladad: right there waiting.

I'm like told you not to follow me.

[00:29:51] Damaged Parents: And they're probably thinking we didn't, you went

[00:29:54] Jessica Baladad: right. Yeah. Right.

[00:29:56] Damaged Parents: because they stayed outside.

[00:29:58] Jessica Baladad: Yeah.

exactly. Yeah.

It's like, we didn't come into the closet with you,

you know, they're they are just, dough wide, both of them. And I'm like, I could barely say it and I'm just like it is.

And my husband's it is what I said it is. And he's like, it's what I said, it's cancer. I have cancer my mom just tries to put her arm on me. I actually moved it away. I was angry I just immediately felt anger. And I told them both to leave me alone. I called my dad. He was in Kentucky.

My aunt had passed at this point. And I said, dad, it's, it is it's cancer. And he's like, all right, I'm going to make a phone call and I will call you right back. And so my dad calls me and, or I'm sorry, my dad hangs up. He calls our family oncologist. The oncologist has treated my dad's youngest sister, my aunt, my grandmother.

And my dad was now inquiring about me. So my dad then calls me back. So I called Dr. Rogers. They can see you at eight o'clock tomorrow morning. I said, great. I learned later their office wasn't even taking patients that day. They were doing some training, but he saw me first thing that morning because he had a 20 year rapport with my aunt.

He had treated her for well, Yeah. 20 plus years, different cancers that she had. And so he's just on top of it. Like at this point I feel like my body isn't even mine anymore. I'm handing it over to science, sorta. Like I'm giving them my hand, they're drawing blood from both sides, my fingers taking blood pressure, taking CBC CMP, all LMNOP's, all blood work,

[00:31:45] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:31:45] Jessica Baladad: All of that stuff and doing genetics testing and I'm just signing papers, going over my medical history.

They're asking me, do you drink? Do you smoke? Have you ever? I have no, no, no. None of that either. No, I eat well. I'm in the best shape of my life right now, but that's about to change I guess. And it turned out, They did the genetics testing. My panel was tested up against 80 something, different genes and just like the rest of my family, nothing came back as a positive mutation.

I'm not broca positive, I'm not checked too positive. I'm not positive for any known cancer gene that's out there Right.

now that they've been able to identify. And so it's just a big, giant question mark about why cancer runs rampant in my family. Yeah, so long story shortened, I went through 16 rounds of chemotherapy.

I had a double mastectomy. 24 rounds of radiation. I had a hysterectomy, I went into remission in May of 2019 and decided to take a break from medical procedures and waited until February of 2020 to have a hysterectomy. And, that's when the whole world basically shut down. So my reconstruction.

Put off, I was supposed to get it. That year I had to wait a year after, my radiation treatment, but I had. But my reconstruction procedure uh was composed of a 10 hour surgery where they took fat tissue and blood vessels from my abdomen.

And they put them back into my chest to recreate my breasts. It's called diep flap. D I E P diep flap reconstruction and phase one was in February of 2021. And phase two was just this past October in 2021. So yeah, it's been a long kind of road.

[00:33:44] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I've, I just am wondering as the whole world shut down because of COVID and everything, and here you are having a double mastectomy. I mean, was it, did it add any kind of, I don't know if insult to injury is what I'm looking for, but that feeling that, oh, I'm not beautiful because I no longer have.

These breasts, which kind of signify my femininity. I don't, I don't know.

[00:34:09] Jessica Baladad: No. Yeah, I know exactly what you're asking and I did feel those things because. After radiation. I saw my reconstruction surgeon who said he wanted to give my body a year to heal. And this was 2019. He's like in 2020, let's revisit this and we'll get you on the books. And so I thought, okay, one year without breasts, I should be fine.

I'm good. I don't know. I was really hating the way that my clothes looked on me shirts. I was very boxy. I didn't want to lift weights anymore because I didn't want to look more masculine. I mean, my hair was short. I just didn't look very feminine

[00:34:52] Damaged Parents: Didn't feel beautiful.

[00:34:54] Jessica Baladad: I didn't know my hair growth from nothing to something does not grow out.

And these really cute pixie cuts. It grows out as a mullet.

[00:35:06] Damaged Parents: Yes, it does. That's right, because that's all happening as we're going into COVID right. So your hair growing out.

[00:35:14] Jessica Baladad: Yeah.

[00:35:15] Damaged Parents: my goodness. And I know what you mean. Cause a friend of mine had cancer and I did shave my head with her and it was. Difficult, you know, growing it back out. In fact, I was so for a long time, I just kept it shaved because

[00:35:29] Jessica Baladad: yeah.

Yeah,

I would see my hairstylist who my hair was always long and fake blond and she always dyed it for me. She did my first big cut from long to shoulder length, short, which is short for me. And she saved it up underneath because I shaved the breast cancer ribbon into it, or at least had it done professionally.

I did not do that. So, And then a really good friend of mine ended up shaving my head completely in the middle of the night, one night when it was just, I was hanging on to it and it was, it needed to come. I was hanging on to something that was dead and it was getting, it was turning to a matted mess and no matter.

For some reason. I thought if I just put it in a bun on top of my head, I would be fine. And it would, it would just stay and no, it just turned into a rat's nest on top of my head.

[00:36:26] Damaged Parents: Yeah, but that's, I think that's probably normal when you're going through something like that. I would think, at least for me like for instance, before starting this podcast, it was I'm going to start a blog. Well, my hands don't work. Right. So therefore that's, doesn't make sense, but I had to go through it kind of like you're saying.

You had to go through there and get that, that rat's nest to

figure it out that, oh, okay. This is what that is.

[00:36:53] Jessica Baladad: I had to let go of what was dying and what was an evitable, I was hanging on to something that wasn't life giving at that point. And once I let go, it was so much easier. And I know That's so metaphorical too. But it was rough. So while I'm going through all of this and then fast forward to COVID when I'm seeing elective surgeries get canceled, left, and Right.

And I'm looking at my body. And I'm just, like, I do not feel like me. I, how long do I have to live like this without breast, without a shapely figure, without, the things that diff, you know, I've already lost, my ovaries and my fallopian tubes and my cervix and every, you know, my reproductive system, I chose that and I do not regret it.

[00:37:46] Damaged Parents: I'm just thinking how without even realizing it. Like every thing that said I am a woman was gone within a matter of a year. It seemed or so

[00:37:57] Jessica Baladad: yeah,

[00:37:59] Damaged Parents: Okay. Yeah. So, No, that makes so much sense that it's hard. And I never really thought about it from that perspective.

I'm so grateful. You said that because it just gives me the ability to be even more compassionate.

 So all These things are getting canceled. I mean, is this when you started to think about making the app or. When did the idea for the app come about? Was it during COVID? Was it before that? Was it, I mean, during COVID we're still in COVID so that's probably not a great question, but when did that start to that idea start to blossom?

[00:38:35] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. So when I was going through my second round of chemo and I was starting to look like the love child of uncle fester in 2007, Brittany Spears, I realized that I wasn't going to hide under a rock during my diagnosis. So I was going to be seeing people, people were going to be seeing me. At this point, it had been like a month since I had posted anything anywhere on social media, which isn't really like me.

But I eventually came out and I told my story and said, Hey, I have cancer. And I got a lot of support from my friends and family extended that I I usually only communicate with on social media, but one of the questions that I kept getting over and over again was how did you know that you had breast cancer. How did you even know to get checked for it? I'm like, oh, well I do my self breast exams every month. Aren't you doing yours? And I was like, No

nope. And I'm like, oh wow. I thought everyone does them. We talk about our menstrual health. We talk about our boobs, but I guess we don't really talk about like, are we taking care of our breasts?

And so I started I started this project. I was in the shower one night and my head was hanging over the shower head and I'm watching literally the last pieces of my life go down the drain from my head, like these little pieces of hair and. I remember the shower was always a place where I could be vulnerable with myself and my body.

It's where I did my self breast exams. It's where I felt myself. And then a feel for your life just came to me like here I am watching my life fall down the drain. And feel is what you do when you do a self breast exams, have thought feel for your life. That's the name of it?

That's it. And

I jumped out of the shower and I go to GoDaddy. And I'm like, is this name taken? And it was available. All the social handles were available and I thought I'm going to make this my platform for telling my story. I'm just going to share my story here about cancer and everything that I'm going through.

Cause I'm getting a lot of questions from a lot of people and it's emotionally exhausting to go through it and say it over and over again to people individually. I'm just going to share it here in this one place. And it just kind of became this small community. Like I'm not an influencer. The platform itself is very small, but it was last year during one of the peaks of COVID in 2020, I thought, oh wait.

That's two years ago, COVID just messes me up.

[00:41:10] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Right. not the only ones.

[00:41:13] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. It was at the end of October, 2020 when I thought I want to make feel for your life, something bigger. I'm going to learn how to make an app. I don't know anything about app development, but I feel like this needs to be an app. And I was looking at other similar apps that talked about self breast exams, but they didn't do a whole lot and they just kind of seem to exist for.

The sake of a nonprofit, having brand recognition out there. And I thought I really want to make something that's functional and helpful. um, Not that these apps weren't helpful or didn't have helpful information. I wanted. I wanted a woman or a person to be able to take actionable steps because of the app and do more than just read about certain things.

So I started writing down things I wanted the app to do and the functionality that I wanted to have. And then I had to teach myself, find the platform where like the digital. Platform the technology that I needed to make all of this happened. And I got really close. I started working on it right away at the end of November, 2020, February, 2021.

I got pretty close. It was right before my major reconstruction surgery. And there was a fire at the place where my server was and I lost everything.

[00:42:38] Damaged Parents: Oh, no.

[00:42:40] Jessica Baladad: So I had to start over again and but I had to get through my surgery recovery first and the flap reconstruction that I went through, I had to walk hunched over for eight weeks and slowly draw my body up again, to walk upright.

That took two months to do. Yeah. so I'm like walking, kind of, I don't mean to sound dramatic, but kind of learning how to walk again a little

[00:43:06] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's real to me, from what you're saying, what you went through, that's a very real, you are learning to walk again. And sometimes I think we I don't know about you, but I, try to um, diminish the challenge because, you know, I think that's part of a society thing maybe where we need to be strong and we need to, you know,

[00:43:27] Jessica Baladad: Yeah.

[00:43:28] Damaged Parents: like, show this space of courage and all of this, but at the same time, not say, oh, I'm also struggling,

[00:43:36] Jessica Baladad: yeah. Yeah. exactly. I'm so glad that you get it. But long story short, I worked on it all summer long nights and weekends. Cause I had my full-time job during the day and it was the end of August. It finally was ready to be, Submitted to the app store and the Google play store. And these things can take.

I don't know anywhere between 24 hours to 72 hours before you're accepted or rejected. I thought, oh my God, they're going to find a million things wrong with it. I'm going to have to redo it over and over and over again. And it got, let's see. Apple accepted it before Android Android took 48 hours.

Apple took 24 and I just remember waking up to congratulations, you've been accepted. And I'm like, oh my God. And once again, I didn't tell anybody except my husband. I just wanted to enjoy this victory. To myself for a little while before I told other people about it, because I didn't want anyone to crap all over it right away.

I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to enjoy having it done and enjoying the victory of it being completed. It's kind of like, even though I'm sorta done with cancer treatment, I'm not in active chemotherapy or radiation. I do have a maintenance chemotherapy pill that I take every day and I will for the next several years, but it's am. I really done?

And what is done really? How is that even defined if I'm still in the midst of surgeries and surgery recovery, because it was drawn out because of COVID and I'm on this chemo pill what does victory look like? What does the end look like? I live my life now I'm healthy and everything, but I just don't know what done.

I've been having trouble finding what done looks like and what it means to me. Yeah.

[00:45:32] Damaged Parents: I am so glad that you said that because with my disability too, I don't think that there is an, a rival that says. I'm done. There continued to be some challenges and some celebrations and some, some this , and some that, and, it's just part of who we are now and like own it. And and I know it's going to sound weird, but own it and celebrate it.

[00:45:56] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. Yeah.

You're absolutely right.

[00:45:59] Damaged Parents: but I have to tell you, I know we are, way over on time, but I'm just really been enjoying our conversation. But I wanna, I wanna just say, I mean, I'm looking at the app and some of the things people can do is if it's your first time get started here, there are steps to go through.

There's a breast health advocacy tool, which. I mean, how do I do a self breast exam? When do I do it? Genetic testing? I mean, there's a whole list of different things and ways to connect. There's a looks like a checklist for checking your breasts. There's a scheduling reminder. And then to top it all off, there's a Starbucks treat

[00:46:37] Jessica Baladad: Yeah.

[00:46:38] Damaged Parents: downloading the app.

[00:46:39] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. It's feel your cups drink a cup, so I'll upload, I think at this time of the conversation, I think it's cleared out right now, but I continuously like I'm uploading money to it so that, and I'll send out a push notification Hey, this Starbucks card has been re up, you know, there's money on it.

If you want to go treat yourself. But I do that as an incentive for women to use the app.

and stay on it. But Yeah.

inside the app for the breast checks, you can track and monitor changes. I ask you some questions in there, so you can describe your breast and what you're doing while you're doing a self breast exam.

And if you find anything at all, talk to your doctor, share this with your doctor. This is a tool to kind of bridge that conversation between you and them. So it gives you confidence to talk about, your issues and track your changes and be like, Hey, three months ago, I didn't have this, but.

Today I noticed something and I'm going to mark it and now I'm going to see my doctor because of that. But Yeah.

I just, that app is absolutely free. I do not run ads on it. I don't make money from this because I am so passionate about women having this as a cool, as a cool, as a tool to use for breast health advocacy. Yeah.

[00:47:58] Damaged Parents: Yeah, no, it's just what a great thing to give back to the world

That you know, from your struggle and, and it sounds like it comes out of your values and really from a complete just complete unconditional love for the human race. Really. And so I would just say to everyone listening, you guys know, I usually ask you guys gals, you know, you, them all know, I usually ask for three things at the end of a podcast and I think I would say.

Get the app, get the app, get the app and use it. So I just want to thank you, Jessica, for coming on the show and sharing just such a vulnerable story with us today.

[00:48:39] Jessica Baladad: Yeah. Well, thank you so much for having me, I like to say I don't care if anyone forgets who I am, I want women to do their self breast exams and advocate for themselves. And super quick, I'm working with my district representative for my state to pass a bill in Tennessee, so that high school students learn how to do breast exams, testicular exams.

Skin exams. It's currently being drafted and we're seeking a Senate sponsor right now, but it probably may come up for a vote in the Tennessee general assembly this year. So we're hoping that it gets passed. So students at younger ages can learn how to advocate for their health.

[00:49:20] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So everybody in Tennessee and really around the states, in any of the states, or even if you're in another country, I think, it is. Our job to advocate for the things we believe that the human race needs to be loving and successful and, and supported. And, I, invite everyone to take a risk and to be courageous and try something new.

we'll see you next time. And thanks again, Jessica.

[00:49:47] Jessica Baladad: Thank you. Thank you so much.

[00:49:49] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Jessica about how she found the lump in her breast and now advocates for others. We especially liked when she spoke about how she created an app to help women check their breasts. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on instagram. Look for damaged parents will be here next week still relatively damaged see you then