S2E17: Disability and Sexual Abuse
Win Charles has Cerebral Palsy – she also has a thriving jewelry design company, enough metal in her feet to set off any airport's metal detector, and a love of snowboarding.
How do all of these things fit together?
Don't be fooled! Win’s stories aren’t about hardships or all of the things a young woman with a disability can't do. They are about LIVING, about doing it anyway despite difficult challenges, and about finding your voice and passion.
Podcast Transcript:
[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where inspiring feisty, courageous people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.
There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me, not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Win Charles. She has many roles in her life daughter, sister, friend, author, disability advocate, and more. We'll talk about how she was sexually assaulted by a family member and how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Win Charles with us and she is just amazing. She's an author. Gosh, what else have you done? Win so much. You're an advocate.
[00:02:08] Win Charles: Author, podcaster, Ironman, Ironman Triathlete and triathlete and advocate.
[00:02:19] Damaged Parents: Yup. So I'm so glad to have you here. And so the only thing I think I missed was the Ironman.
[00:02:26] Win Charles: Well, yeah, well, that's besides the point.
[00:02:30] Damaged Parents: It is besides the point, so you're here to talk about a struggle though, and about emotional and physical stuff.
[00:02:37] Win Charles: I am. And my struggle is still going on after it happened let's back up. For those of you do not know what this strange person is doing on Angela's podcast my name is Win and have cerebral palsy and cerebral palsy is a neurological condition. So cerebral palsy is brain damage at birth, and so that's how I got cerebral palsy I was born at 27 weeks one pound 13 ounces.
[00:03:15] Damaged Parents: That's amazing. You were so tiny.
[00:03:16] Win Charles: Yep. And so needless to say, I grew up in Aspen for 33 years and after my dad died let's back up again, I lost my mom in 2010 and my dad became widowed in 2010. And so I lost my mommy when I was 23 and if losing your mommy wasn't. hard enough, then I lost daddy in 2019
to undiagnosed, lung cancer as if that wasn't hard enough, I had a family member emotionally and physically abuse me.
[00:04:06] Damaged Parents: Wow now was that family member always around,
like, as you were growing up or was this like a, was it like a sibling or was it a
[00:04:16] Win Charles: no, no, no, no. It wasn't a sibling. First of all, I'm the only child and my step-sister but my step-sister didn't come into my life until I was 23 so, and she knew I had cerebral palsy so no, it wasn't a sibling thing. And this family member happened to happened to be in my life up until my mom die and then disappeared.
And then they decided as my dad died to come back into my life and Yeah. The day after my 33rd birthday they said come on Win it's time to go get dressed and me being a dumb dumb that I am follows the person down the stairs knowing her tendencies, knowing full well that she an alcoholic and knowing full well that she is a drug addict as well.
And yeah, and then she closes the door on me and starts asking me all these questions like, how's your life and she knew that. I had just lost my dad, her brother-in-law. And so, and so she knew I had just lost my dad, but at the same time, the abuser will go on and on and on to get the point across and she was livid livid from the point.
I thought, I don't know when to deal with this woman and then, she, I don't remember the, I truly don't, I don't really know, learn the emotional and physical abuse. I remember lying back on a bed naked number one and her sticking a, camera on a iPhone believe it or not where it shouldn't be stuck.
That was what the straw that broke the camel's back was. Now granted she lives in the Bahamas. Well, my mom, grew up so this wasn't you, this wasn't US, this wasn't US territory this was she thought she was trying and it wasn't helpful.
[00:07:02] Damaged Parents: It wasn't what?
[00:07:03] Win Charles: It wasn't helpful.
[00:07:05] Damaged Parents: No.
[00:07:05] Win Charles: No.
[00:07:06] Damaged Parents: So you were in The Bahamas at the time
[00:07:08] Win Charles: I no I was in Aspen, Colorado.
[00:07:11] Damaged Parents: you were okay.
[00:07:12] Win Charles: Yeah.
[00:07:13] Damaged Parents: And she came to visit. It sounds like.
[00:07:15] Win Charles: She came to visit she came to what? Unbeknownst to me was a safety check and unbeknownst to me was a welfare check and that's what I consider that.
[00:07:30] Damaged Parents: So she was supposed to just be checking on you.
[00:07:33] Win Charles: Yeah.
[00:07:33] Damaged Parents: Okay.
[00:07:34] Win Charles: And I hate to say this, but my dumb dumb step-mom let let her and her sister in the house
and yeah my aide, um, now at that point, it wasn't my, aide because my aide would
let an alcoholic and drug user in my house.
[00:07:58] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:07:59] Win Charles: I knew this from a previous encounter
[00:08:02] Damaged Parents: right. But I mean, you were totally violated. What did you do after that?
And how did you get help?
[00:08:09] Win Charles: I know, looking back on it, I could've gotten more help, but I told my counselor what happened and because I knew I was physically and emotionally abused and I knew that it was happening and I, and now it's quite common for physical and emotional abuse to be common with people with disabilities so me sharing, my story people know my story people know where I am.
People it's public knowledge. It was public knowledge. As soon as my case, was closed, it's called adult protective services. And yes, there's a thing called adult protective services. They do the exact same thing, that child, protective services does . A lot of people know about child protective services they don't know so much about adult protective services.
[00:09:12] Damaged Parents: Yeah, which I would think, and especially within the disability community would be important for those of us with disabilities to be aware of that, that there is something,
[00:09:24] Win Charles: There is something but people don't know, I didn't know about it until I went through my own case.
[00:09:32] Damaged Parents: And so how did you stay strong through that process? That must've been very difficult. I mean, you're talking about which probably, you know, with your, because your dad had passed, so then your stepmom, was she in charge of your care or were you in charge of your care at that point?
[00:09:49] Win Charles: She was.
[00:09:49] Damaged Parents: Okay, so that must have been a little bit terrifying.
[00:09:52] Win Charles: Well, it was now that I think about it it was terrifying that she would let
a family member who was a drug and alcohol user. into my house into my life again, which my dad tried kicking the woman out of my life. Well she got away for. 12, 12, years Yeah,
[00:10:18] Damaged Parents: So she, went to prison.
[00:10:19] Win Charles: no, no, no. no. She she would not because my dad was overprotective of me. He didn't want her contact me. He didn't want my mom's family contacting me.
and she's still.
She's still in the Bahamas. And people will have asked, did she move to the Bahamas because of this? The answer is no, my mom grew up in the Bahamas and they still live in the Bahamas but the fact of the matter is she won't do anything towards repairing the old relationship. She just wants to leave me out and die and basically my family comes from the old mantra of the child has a disability.
The child has a disability, let's hide them in the deep cold closet and not let them see the light of day.
[00:11:16] Damaged Parents: And that's what your mom's side of the family has that belief.
[00:11:19] Win Charles: Yes.
[00:11:20] Damaged Parents: Uh, gosh, that would be really hard to live with. if you know that, that's what they're thinking.
[00:11:26] Win Charles: Yeah.
[00:11:27] Damaged Parents: So how do you, how do you do that?
How do you continue to show up knowing that they don't, they don't want you there?
[00:11:33] Win Charles: I have the science, I'm fairly conscious about what I tell them and about how I interact with them. And I have gone through lately I have gone to I do see a counselor and then I do extra therapy on the side of seeing my counselor. So that has helped a lot. And because and
[00:12:03] Damaged Parents: Now. Oh, go ahead. Okay. I was just going to ask if writing and being out here as an advocate is helping you heal and feel more confident.
[00:12:13] Win Charles: it is, and it is not because of the reason why it isn't is because, I don't care. My family listens to my work. And so they know how I feel about it. They know how I feel about it. They will probably be listening to this podcast too and they, they know how I feel about it. I mean, but luckily for me, I had done a lot of support.
I'm in a better place. Now safety wise, than I was than I was in 2020 throughout 2019.
[00:12:50] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So this is really very recent for you in the grand scheme of things.
[00:12:54] Win Charles: My emotional and physical abuse and sexual happened in 2019.
[00:13:01] Damaged Parents: Only almost two years, maybe a little bit more of two years going, going on with this. And what was the hardest part of that journey besides the experience right. Once you experienced happened, what was the hardest part that you had to get through and how did you keep going?
[00:13:18] Win Charles: The hardest part that I had to get through, was um, being professionally interviewed by a professional interviewer because I I had one of my aides do a witness statement day one. I did my witness statement. I did mine. We as an example, Any victim will tell you if you have to be interviewed by a professional interviewer again that's right. And then um, my stepmom who really didn't and then my stepsister did hers over the phone, and then my step-mom really didn't want me to do the witness statement.
[00:14:02] Damaged Parents: Right. So did she, she eventually did it though.
[00:14:06] Win Charles: She eventually did it, but she was last.
[00:14:09] Damaged Parents: And then did you still have to go through court and things like that?
[00:14:13] Win Charles: I am lucky that. I didn't have to go through court because I told the, I told my counselor, they reported what I said. And then I decided not to put a restraining order against this woman even though I will ask for whether I want to put a restraining order against this woman, I said no, because I was still going through a different thing with my family that would've
kyboshed. If I put a restraining order against this woman it would've kyboshed the thing I'm going to now. Yeah.
[00:14:58] Damaged Parents: And then earlier, I think, I thought I heard you say maybe it was before we started recording that you're still going through some of these things you're still dealing with them. And what do you mean by that?
[00:15:08] Win Charles: I am
still dealing with them. I am. Dealing with the traumatization of it. I am still, I still have a fear of people touching my body. Because the way it was I'm slowly but surely getting over that. And I a lot of people don't know that. but when you get emotionally and physically abused or sexually assaulted, you have a fear of people touching your body and
[00:15:42] Damaged Parents: Yeah,
[00:15:42] Win Charles: yeah.
[00:15:43] Damaged Parents: Now, do you like physically need help bathing and things like that.
So that must've been really hard.
[00:15:50] Win Charles: Yeah, it is, it is on it is on a daily basis, but I know down here in Arizona, I take my phone into the bathroom for that specific reason and I'm working with agency right now, and I will continue to work with that agency. So if anything were to happen like that, the agency would be here in nothing flat. I have people that know me here that would be here in nothing flat.
I I have people that I could call on the phone and say, look this is what's going on. They wouldn't probably be here in nothing flat I have a friend of mine, a lawyer couldn't be here in two seconds flat so even though I need help with bathing. it wouldn't be a lot easier than it was in because there's no door on my bathroom. That's why, I put no door in my bathroom because for safety reasons.
[00:17:02] Damaged Parents: And you, right? So by not having a door and by taking your phone,
[00:17:06] Win Charles: Yeah.
[00:17:07] Damaged Parents: you're keeping it like, open so that other people in the house are aware of what's happening
[00:17:13] Win Charles: Yeah.
[00:17:13] Damaged Parents: That's really smart.
[00:17:14] Win Charles: The way my house was tied up is there's a front door my kitchen, my bath my bedroom. And bathroom down the hallway, but it's on the main floor and anyone might swing. If they were out in my living room and they heard me scream um, they would have run if they was smart enough to do it with when I got emotionally and physically abused I was ramshackle.
I will call it ramshackle because that's what it was tiny ramshackle bathroom. Where you can barely fit two people in the bathroom slash medical equipment if needed. and they closed the door, so no one could see what they were doing. And so that's why I said, no, we're not putting a door on the bathroom and that's why it's not okay.
I'm going to be. I'm taking my phone into the bathroom for just in case something like that would to happen. I have no way to call someone to get them up there.
[00:18:33] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And do you feel safer since you have roommates now?
[00:18:38] Win Charles: I feel safer and well, since I have roommates, I feel safer and since I'm in a community that's built for the disabled. Even without roommates because my roommate are going to be leaving as long as the month and I won't get a new one until I um
until January. But because of that, I feel incredibly safe because I know that if something were to happen heads would roll
[00:19:15] Damaged Parents: Right. And I'm thinking it, I, mean, having to move and things like that, and of course needing aids, you aren't, you don't always get to have the same aid. So how did you. Cope and learn to cope with that, especially with the trauma you experienced.
[00:19:31] Win Charles: um, Because I've been lucky that an aid has never, never, never touched me. They know not to do that. They will know heads would roll there too, that statement but they also know that if they touch me heads would roll and they aids my, actually these aids have become my friends
so it's not like. Susie Q walks in doesn't know me. Doesn't have a sense of what's going on. I tell them I have, and this is why I bought the house the way I did, because, so I can have people who know me who are not aids who not who are friends of mine coming down. And as we told you, this. To people. And that's the way I like it.
And that's way it's going to be set up.
[00:20:39] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:20:40] Win Charles: People in general know that if, and I have, my check-in people in general know if they don't see me, by a certain time and I haven't told them I'm going out or going somewhere, they know to check in on me.
[00:21:00] Damaged Parents: Yeah. So it sounds like you are really good about making sure you have people who support you around you and that the aids that you have are respectful and that you have open and honest conversations with them
[00:21:14] Win Charles: Well,
yeah. Yeah. And I will have open and honest conversations with anyone in this house, some more deeper, than others but I will at least say Hi how are you and it is gotten to the point where I'm going to be very very interesting because.
I'm going I will always live with the scars of emotional and physical abuse.
[00:21:45] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I'm grateful that you're out sharing your story.
[00:21:48] Win Charles: Well that's because I there's a reason why I share my story because um, and there's a why I share so publicly too. Because so many moms and dads. leave their kids, or their adults at home with these caregivers, and God knows what is going on when mom and dad walk out the door.
[00:22:15] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Well, and thank goodness you have the ability to communicate right.
[00:22:20] Win Charles: yes, but still in general,
[00:22:22] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:22:23] Win Charles: A abuser won't let you go get help.
[00:22:26] Damaged Parents: True.
[00:22:27] Win Charles: So even if you were able-bodied, they won't let you go get help
[00:22:33] Damaged Parents: Yeah. There's that emotional? I think you're speaking to like the emotional abuse that happens
so that then you don't want to go get help.
[00:22:42] Win Charles: No, they won't let. The abuser themselves. won't let the abusee go get help. It's not that we don't want to go get help it's that all these would not let us go get help
[00:22:57] Damaged Parents: Okay, so the abuser wouldn't like physically, or they would just stay around you all the time, so you couldn't reach
[00:23:04] Win Charles: Yeah. They wouldn't just stay around and it's not that the abusee doesn't want to go get help.
[00:23:13] Damaged Parents: Mm.
[00:23:14] Win Charles: and that's what my abuser did. Exactly.
[00:23:17] Damaged Parents: Right. So when You make a call, it's just adult protective services, or can you call any like three digit number? Like, 9 1, 1 I know is there for emergencies, but
[00:23:28] Win Charles: You can call 9 1 1, say help I'm being emotionally and physically abused
[00:23:35] Damaged Parents: okay. Just for people who might be listening that don't know.
[00:23:39] Win Charles: Angela you can call all you want Adult Protective Services number it's a generalized one. I don't remember it off the top of my head.
[00:23:48] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I'm not sure if it's 3, 1, 1 or another number. I know there's a few different three digit numbers.
[00:23:55] Win Charles: yeah, but it's Because, and I'm going to tell you, in adult abuse. If you see and if you're supposed to report it
they may, admit that they are talk and lie and they ask be open and honest and ask because I was working on in my situation that I had the three witnesses.
No, I actually had five, but the fifth one didn't count. And so I actually had five, but the fifth one had nothing to do with it. And so I had four witnesses and the fourth one then was just my abusers
and she was, she was having guilt and she as the witness has since apologized. And she, And I counseled what I talked to her now. And when I speak with her on, and she has since apologized to me. Abusers will never apologize to the abusee. They will never apologize and so I'm not waiting for an apology. If she shows up at my doorstep because there's not a restraining order against her. She has a record because of what she did in the state of Colorado.
But if she shows up at my doorstep I can call the cops and if my family gets to the point of emotional abuse again, I also going to call the cops in Arizona and it's not going to be on the pretty side
[00:25:51] Damaged Parents: I love your confidence. And you're like, Nope, that's not, that's not okay with me. And we're not going. I'm not going to put up with.
[00:25:58] Win Charles: I have spoken to cops about the retired cops and the cops saying if someone's on an even if they are family members if you uh, if someone's on your property who you don't like, and um, you can say get out of my house with no reason. And.
[00:26:26] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I think that's great. I'm so glad you're out sharing your story. What would you say going through this has taught you like what's the biggest learning.
[00:26:38] Win Charles: That you can't put your trust in all people, including the, uh family members, because you never know what they are going through on a daily basis. And this whole thing that kids should not be talking to strangers needs to go out the door. We teach
Stranger Danger in my opinion needs to go out the door we teach these kids at a young age to not have strangers touch their private areas
or my private areas or your private areas., the list goes on and on. People think they, people thinking they can treat the disabled as if they're dumber than rocks and they can't .
[00:27:29] Damaged Parents: Treat treat the disabled as what?
[00:27:31] Win Charles: as if they're dumber than a box of rocks
[00:27:35] Damaged Parents: It's not true, is it?
[00:27:39] Win Charles: it's not true the disabled
will take in more than we let on.
[00:27:46] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Well, people, I think there's this idea because like with CP, you can't speak as easily as well because the muscles were impacted or whatever
that then your brain is not there. Well, that is not true. Right? Like, like you still have a huge capacity to think. It's just communicating. That is differently. Is different.
[00:28:07] Win Charles: Yep
[00:28:08] Damaged Parents: Yeah. yeah.
It's very frustrating. I think on many levels. Right. And. if someone is listening to this and what are the top three things you have done to, to work towards health and healing from that trauma?
[00:28:25] Win Charles: Moved. Move if you can do it. And if you can do it, move to a better spot with more medical care. And I had to do for cerebral palsy, that would be number one, number two, seek counseling, because. Counselors saved my' life, if she knows it and a counselor may ask you see what my counselor asked me is do you feel safe at home?
And I said, yes. But I said, but this is the one going, this is what went on. And that's what kicks off to call adult protective services so number two would be seeking counseling, number three, tell, tell your trusted friends that you have been emotionally and physically abused so that they know.
[00:29:24] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
Gosh, those are all great, great things to make sure people know. And sometimes I think we forget those things, right?
[00:29:33] Win Charles: Yeah.
[00:29:33] Damaged Parents: I am so glad we got to have you on the show. You guys, if you want to get any of Win's books or get in touch with her, just Google her information Win Charles and she will pop up everywhere. Thank you, so much for coming on the show Win.
[00:29:50] Win Charles: Thank you, Angela.
[00:29:51] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Wynn about how she stood up for herself. We especially liked when she explained how she set up her new home to feel safe. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Instagram. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then
