S3E8: Leigh Huxley - Why Infidelity?

Leigh Huxley unintentionally became involved in several ‘love triangles’ over the decades, Infertility & Infidelity seemed to be a theme that ran through her life….She conceived her only son through one of these relationships.

She thought that there was something very wrong with her, especially considering her religious background!

She realizes now that it was her patterns of over giving, people pleasing, rescuing, fixing & not feeling enough that were at the root of what she had attracted into her life.

Social media and contact information:

https://www.facebook.com/leigh.huxley.7

Instagram: @huxleyleigh

Email: heavenleigh.spiritualcoaching@gmail.com

Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged parents. Today we have Leigh Huxley with us. She actually started out in the beauty industry and was the owner of her own skincare business in Durban, South Africa for 13 and a half years where she was passionate about helping women embrace and enhance their outer beauty.

[00:00:17] Now though, she's come full circle and she's passionate about helping women learn to love and accept themselves by helping them find their personal identity and empowering them to transform their relationship with themselves through unconditional love and acceptance.

[00:00:32] Leigh, welcome to the show.

[00:00:35] Leigh Paxton: Hi Angela. Thank you for having me.

[00:00:37] Damaged Parents: Yeah. It took you a lot to get to this point. We were talking before the recording started and there were a couple of different struggles, which we may separate into two different podcast podcasts. We'll find out. But which one would you say is at the forefront of your heart right now, speaking to you right now that it's like, this is what we need to talk about.

[00:00:57] Leigh Paxton: I think the springboard could be the frequency of shame

[00:01:01] Damaged Parents: Mm-hmm.

[00:01:02] Leigh Paxton: and guilt is kind of woven into that and for a lot of my life. So I'm in my mid fifties now, so, I would say this journey. Really started in my late twenties, very late twenties. Although there were, there were hints of it earlier on in my journey.

[00:01:24] But the journey of which ended up being a journey of shame started with infidelity.

[00:01:31] Damaged Parents: In your twenties.

[00:01:32] Leigh Paxton: Well, late twenties, so there were, there was hint hints of it before. I'll go back to that. But also to tie into that, there was also shame around. skin, cuz I had, I struggled with acne for like three decades of my life.

[00:01:48] And the, the paradox was that I ran a skincare clinic, . So

[00:01:53] Damaged Parents: That would be

[00:01:54] Leigh Paxton: there was this whole perfectionism thing going on with me, which has been a thread my whole life, not anymore. So, Going into the industry, thought I had to be perfect in every single way. I chose to go into the industry, loved being in the industry with building relationships with clients, but there was this underlying shame that this was who I am saying I was and this is what I'm promoting, but yet this is not what's going on with me.

[00:02:23] Damaged Parents: May I ask a clarifying question?

[00:02:25] Leigh Paxton: sure.

[00:02:26] Damaged Parents: Was it because you're in the skin care industry and yet you couldn't, the acne was just something your body was struggling with and because the acne wasn't clearing up, then being in the skin care industry was kind of, it felt shameful. Is that what you're trying Or what I'm understanding,

[00:02:46] Leigh Paxton: Yeah.

[00:02:47] Damaged Parents: I'm interpreting it back. Back to you,

[00:02:50] Leigh Paxton: because in the skin care industry, if you a skin care specialist, your skin should be perfect. You know that. That's the outer world view. So you know, if you not, if you are not modeling that, then you're not doing something right. But why I'm saying this is it all dovetails in was I was doing everyth.

[00:03:12] Correct externally, my diet, my, the protocols, everything. But what I didn't realize was all this emotional turmoil that was going on inside of me, because I was putting myself under so much pressure to run the business perfectly, to be perfect in the business, to, this whole perfection.

[00:03:32] And it was all just this cauldron bubbling up and. the metaphysical, if you were to look at that, when somebody's dealing with skin problems, it's often you putting a barrier between you and the world cuz you are hiding something within yourself. So that's generalizing

[00:03:50] Damaged Parents: Hmm.

[00:03:51] Leigh Paxton: and. It may make sense to some people and other people might not be able to relate with it, but this is, I'm speaking from hindsight.

[00:03:59] At the time I knew nothing of this. I didn't realize it was the stress I was putting on myself to run the business perfectly, to be. Full time in the business perfectly to look perfect all the time. What it did, however, so that was the shadow side. The gift side of it was that it gave me tremendous compassion for women struggling with their skin.

[00:04:20] Cuz I knew so deeply down inside what it was like every day, twice a day when you confronted with your image in a mirror with no makeup,

[00:04:31] Damaged Parents: Mm-hmm.

[00:04:32] Leigh Paxton: the sink. Horrendous feeling of shame, know, that would just be there. So I could relate to that. And so, I was able to be supportive to women struggling with that for whatever reason.

[00:04:46] So that was the gift in that.

[00:04:48] Damaged Parents: from my perspective, what I'm hearing is that because you worked in the skincare industry, maybe not, maybe because you worked in the skincare industry, you should have had perfect skin because you worked in the skin care industry. You should have known how to fix it. Et cetera, et cetera. Like the internal talk might have been something like this.

[00:05:10] I'm no good because I can't fix this, and here I am helping other people fix it.

[00:05:15] Leigh Paxton: Yeah. Yeah. So there's this whole enmeshment and entanglement that comes, is woven into it. So I ran this business for 13 and a half years, and most of the time was in my twenties. So I started, I was, I became a business owner. It just happened at the age of 21. And so, I nearly burnt out by the age of 28, and then I realized what was going on, and so I started changing things.

[00:05:43] But. To carry on with the perfectionism story in my mind, I had in my mind at the age of 28, I would be a mom. I would have one boy, one girl, and I would have them and raise them and still run my business and just do everything perfectly well. The , paradox, well, it wasn't paradoxy, but what came out of that was I was confronted with infertility.

[00:06:07] Damaged Parents: Oh, infertility. I thought it was infidelity the way I read it. I apologize.

[00:06:11] Leigh Paxton: no, no. You're quite correct.

[00:06:13] Damaged Parents: Oh, okay.

[00:06:14] Leigh Paxton: You're quite correct. So infertility. So I went on that whole journey of now what's wrong with me and why can't, And the whole journey on that and investigations. And it turned out that it. It was me because of the stress that I was, had put myself under running this business perfectly all the time.

[00:06:35] Nearly burning myself out, but it was also my then husband's. It was a big problem with his sperm count. So we underwent procedure and went through the whole xc. And it didn't work. But at the same time, with all the strange dynamics going on it was a very close friend of a mutual friend. It was his best friend.

[00:06:58] It was a, a friend to add another layer. We were very involved in the church, there's the religious layer on top of that. Plus, I grew up as I was a minister's daughter, so there's another layer.

[00:07:10] Damaged Parents: Mm-hmm.

[00:07:11] Leigh Paxton: these layers of shame just built and built. Now this dear friend we became very close. It wasn't a physical relationship.

[00:07:20] It, it was just a very deep, intimate, emotional relationship, which I had lost connection with, my then husband because of his corporate life and my running my business. This is all hindsight's perfect vision. I could see that my emotional needs weren't being met, but at the time I didn't know.

[00:07:40] And so we developed this relationship and it sounds not nice, but I don't regret that relationship because it showed me another side of love, which I hadn't experienced.

[00:07:53] Damaged Parents: Could you tell me what it, what you mean by it showed me this other side of love that I hadn't experienced?

[00:07:58] Leigh Paxton: the warmth

[00:07:59] Damaged Parents: Mm.

[00:08:00] Leigh Paxton: which I had initially be, I met my first, my then husband when I was 15, and we got married when I was 19. And, but that wasn't the issue because I grew up in a family. I was a very late child. So I grew up as my own, on my own as an only child. So my parents were a lot older. My siblings were 18 and 19 years older, and 13 and a half years older.

[00:08:23] They all married young, they all had young families. This, to me was normal. And then to go back to the religious side of it, you didn't have sex before marriage.

[00:08:32] Damaged Parents: Right.

[00:08:32] Leigh Paxton: So if you wanted to, experience that, then you needed to be married. I chose to be married. We were in love. We had a very close relationship, but then life separated when you went into the corporate world and I ran my business and we just went on different train tracks and all of a sudden there was this deeply emotional need in me, which I didn't realize I had.

[00:08:53] And this friend filled that need and he was, Since stuff he was, he was not the A type personality of my then husband. He had this very gentle, loving, warm side of it, of, of him that I hadn't experienced. that is what I'm mean.

[00:09:11] Anyway, so the fertility treatment didn't work. So you go through, grieving, which surprised me, but yeah.

[00:09:20] And then.

[00:09:21] Damaged Parents: you had to grieve the idea of having a family.

[00:09:24] Leigh Paxton: Yeah. Yeah. And then I thought it wasn't gonna happen. And then this relationship with this friend turned physical in the last, I can't remember, six months maybe. And then what happened? I fell pregnant.

[00:09:37] Damaged Parents: Oh dear.

[00:09:38] Leigh Paxton: So yeah.

[00:09:39] Damaged Parents: ouch.

[00:09:40] Leigh Paxton: I, yes.

[00:09:41] Damaged Parents: and you're still married at this point.

[00:09:43] Leigh Paxton: Yeah.

[00:09:44] We were all involved in the church.

[00:09:47] Damaged Parents: No one else really knew that you guys were over here having this other relationship.

[00:09:51] Leigh Paxton: No,

[00:09:53] Damaged Parents: Mm. Was that hard to hide too?

[00:09:55] Leigh Paxton: yeah, there's a lot of secrecy. A lot of secrecy, which Shocked. What, what shocked me about it was how , this is gonna sound strange. , how naturally it came to me to be secretive. It really shocked me.

[00:10:10] Damaged Parents: So when you were with your husband, you, did you have feelings of guilt about this other relationship or, Okay. Okay.

[00:10:19] Leigh Paxton: course.

[00:10:19] Damaged Parents: So when you mean naturally, what does that mean to you?

[00:10:22] Leigh Paxton: when it came to actually, how, how resourceful I was in keeping this whole thing secret

[00:10:27] Damaged Parents: okay.

[00:10:28] Leigh Paxton: which really surprised me.

[00:10:31] Damaged Parents: So you really had to go out of your way to protect this secret.

[00:10:36] Leigh Paxton: Yeah. Because we were all embroiled in. We saw each other as friends within our friendship community on a regular basis.

[00:10:46] Damaged Parents: Mm.

[00:10:47] Leigh Paxton: And then we saw each other privately

[00:10:49] and you know, so yeah.

[00:10:51] So there were, there lots and lots of layers and, And the guilt and the shame. Built and built. And built and built. And I did not like who I was. Towards my husband because I knew it would hurt him. And I'm not a natural, I'm not a hurt. I don't go outta my, it doesn't come naturally for me to hurt people.

[00:11:14] In fact, I was very much, and for a long time in my life, very much the people pleaser

[00:11:19] Damaged Parents: Mm-hmm. .

[00:11:20] Leigh Paxton: where I put everybody's needs first, above mind.

[00:11:24] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I think it's really interesting because you know, probably someone on the maybe you, maybe your ex-husband, but anybody in that situation might think, Oh, they did this on purpose. And

[00:11:36] even just having this conversation with you, this, this naturally happened over here,

[00:11:41] Leigh Paxton: it happened over a period of a good period of time as well, like three years. It wasn't just a.

[00:11:47] Damaged Parents: Right, Right. And, and then there, there was still shame and guilt and this not wanting to hurt anyone, it sounds like. Okay. So now you're pregnant, You're, you find out you're pregnant.

[00:11:58] Leigh Paxton: yeah. The paradox of it was that I was delighted about being pregnant.

[00:12:03] Damaged Parents: Mm.

[00:12:04] Leigh Paxton: And I saw it as a gift and an opportunity to become a mom, but at the same time, I was so afraid of losing my baby because I felt that I'd be punished for what I'd done.

[00:12:15] Damaged Parents: Wow. Right.

[00:12:17] Leigh Paxton: So there's this whole balance going on.

[00:12:20] Damaged Parents: I hadn't thought of that when we were first coming into this, that then you would feel like you needed to be punished.

[00:12:28] Leigh Paxton: Yeah. And then the shame. Yeah, and the guilt.

[00:12:31] Damaged Parents: So that feeling of punishment came from that shame and guilt probably. and then were you also, in some ways maybe relieved because the pregnancy would now mean you, had to open up this can of worms? I guess for a lack of a better way to put it. And tell your husband or

[00:12:50] Leigh Paxton: Well, it was definitely an edge of the cliff moment but The way I dealt with that, I still remember it so clearly in my mind, was that I told my dear friend and we were like both in shock cuz I really didn't think it was possible and nor did he? And I just had this yearning inside to go and see my parents. Who at that stage, my, they, they always lived a further way.

[00:13:14] So involved a plane right away. By that time my dad had retired from the ministry and my mom was in the early um, the stages of early Parkinson's disease. So they were dealing with their own issues and then I appear. So, and I didn't explain why, and then I, I told them, and that was the first breaking of the shame.

[00:13:36] That was the first people in the pond. And then surprised at how they responded. And then the next people in the pond, the next ripple, I should say, from that. Well, it wasn't just a paper , it was a boulder. It was.

[00:13:51] Damaged Parents: Right. But what was surprising, you said it that your parents response surprised you. What was surprising about how they responded?

[00:13:58] Leigh Paxton: Well, don't forget my dad was a minister and my mom was a minister's wife. And so the whole belief system around infidelity and all this sort of thing. And my mom had the most surprising, response , she said, I mean, it did help that my dad, they both went into the ministry in their fifties. So they had had life experience before that and they had had their own trials and tri, so it wasn't like but there is a long history of religion, strict religion in our family background, so it all gets woven in.

[00:14:34] But my mom was like, Well, , if you look at the animals in the wild, it's the female who chooses the male. And if she feels that the, the sperm isn't strong enough to give her a healthy baby, she's gonna choose somebody else.

[00:14:49] And she says, And so that's what's happened. It's like, Oh, okay.

[00:14:54] Damaged Parents: so you're surprised from mom. What? And then what

[00:14:56] did Dad do?

[00:14:57] Leigh Paxton: dad. Supportive. Oh, what Dad said. You ought to phone your husband right now and tell him

[00:15:03] Damaged Parents: And is that what happened?

[00:15:04] Leigh Paxton: Yeah,

[00:15:05] Damaged Parents: And what was that like,

[00:15:06] Leigh Paxton: it was horrible because it was a double whammy for him. It wasn't just that I had been unfaithful, his friend had been unfaithful

[00:15:16] Damaged Parents: Mm

[00:15:16] Leigh Paxton: we together had been unfaithful.

[00:15:18] Damaged Parents: mm

[00:15:19] Leigh Paxton: So it was horrendous for him.

[00:15:22] I stayed there for a, a while and a few days, and my dad and I, because my mom was struggling physically with her coordination, my dad and I, they, they lived for that time briefly along on the coast in a retirement village. And we just had walks along the beach and I, and we spoke about things and I just say to him that the fear in me of going back was so strong.

[00:15:48] I was like, Dad, I, I understand now why in the old system they stoned women?

[00:15:54] Because right now, I'd rather be stoned than go back and face, not just my husband, but face close friends, make decisions on what's gonna happen. I still had my business and it was run from home, so the business got shut down for, whilst all this was going on for a week.

[00:16:10] Mm-hmm. so on all sorts of levels. I had a lot to face. Going back. So it took a lot of courage.

[00:16:17] Damaged Parents: So you did, you went back then and faced it. And would you say today that you're By going and facing it, which took a tremendous amount of courage that you are grateful that it, that that's what happened, that you chose that journey. And if so, what was the best part of going back to face it or the most interesting or surprising thing that happened?

[00:16:41] Leigh Paxton: It was a long time ago. . I think the most helpful thing was. Just being honest,

[00:16:46] And also knowing D, discovering how resilient we can be and we are when we are faced with difficult situations. The acronym of fear is false evidence appearing real. It's when we run from fear that fear chases us, but when if we stop and we look fear squarely in the face, a doorway opens and we can walk through. And it's a, step of faith, a step of courage. Yeah. So yeah, lots of mixed emotions. Lots of blurred lines, lots of decisions that had to be made. But

[00:17:21] yeah, taking responsibility as well for my actions.

[00:17:25] Damaged Parents: right.

[00:17:25] Leigh Paxton: but then the other side was the initial issue was never, ever resolved

[00:17:31] Damaged Parents: What do you mean? The initial issue was never resolved.

[00:17:34] Leigh Paxton: between my husband and I, the l. Lack of intimacy and I mean, emotional intimacy. Intimacy. But if I think back, once he knew and he accepted that he, if he ever wanted, To fulfill the desire of him becoming a father. This was the route that had been presented to him because he wasn't actually ever gonna become a natural father because of his very low sperm count.

[00:18:00] So he accepted that, and that's another key thing. Once you can accept something, you can work with it. So he accepted that was a very healing time when I was pregnant. It was very supportive. We had A lot of deep conversation, but then once my little boy was born and then life carried on and then we moved over to the UK and he got really busy and, and, and sucked into the corporate world again.

[00:18:26] That those issues of intimacy and his drive to perform and get ahead in life. It just left me standing again, but this time I was fulfilled in a different way cuz I now, I threw myself into motherhood, which, yeah, I so wanted, so that was my thirties and forties. But the life triangle rear at its head again because those issues of what I was yearning

[00:18:51] Damaged Parents: Mm-hmm.

[00:18:52] Leigh Paxton: never got, the whole thing just got swept under the carpet.

[00:18:55] Damaged Parents: Right. So, so you found yourself in the, in similar position needing that emotional intimacy again. When did the healing really start?

[00:19:05] Leigh Paxton: Much later when I shared, I broke the shame when I shared, but it cause the whole time I had the strange thing going on. Well, it could actually be my. Then husband's child. It could actually, it could actually, And then when we moved from it got the, the. An opportunity to move to the UK as an expatriate, which we did.

[00:19:27] So my son was a year old and that was a huge relief to me cause I was like, Right, I can go somewhere where nobody knows my name. It's a clean slate for me. I haven't got all these pretenses. I had sold the business. I still kept in touch with few people. Some people knew of the real story, A lot of people didn't.

[00:19:45] My family didn't. , but then I came to realize that my dad actually told him, so there was a strange thing going on. When I say family, I mean my siblings, but the thing that broke my shame was when I told my very best friend, who was also very close in our friendship circle of all of us, and. And then dealing with her reactions and emotions and her, her divided loyalties of, ta she, So, but that, that once I, I mean, it, it was horrendous sharing that with her. But once I did it opened up the conversation for me to then tell others and speak of it. And because I wasn't locked in it, Anymore, but I still, it, it's a whole long journey of healing

[00:20:34] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:20:35] Leigh Paxton: and, self forgiveness was hu is huge forgiveness, but always found it very easy to forgive others.

[00:20:42] But whoa, to forgive yourself for the turmoil and hurt that you call with in others' lives

[00:20:49] Damaged Parents: Yeah. What would be the top three things that if someone finds themself in the situation that you were in, that you would say, Definitely try this.

[00:21:00] Leigh Paxton: Talk about it,

[00:21:01] Damaged Parents: Mm-hmm.

[00:21:02] Leigh Paxton: process all those emotions, don't let them get stuck in your body. Cause when we don't process emotions, they get stuck in our body. That's eventually what leads to disease. Whatever form it takes,

[00:21:14] Damaged Parents: Mm-hmm.

[00:21:15] Leigh Paxton: right?

[00:21:15] Damaged Parents: So talk about it

[00:21:16] Leigh Paxton: talk about it, write about it, process it, contemplate on it. Don't get stuck in your head on it.

[00:21:22] Because that just cause causes a ruminating thoughts. And so whatever's helpful practice, whether it's talking therapy, whether it's energy management like emotional freedom technique or, going on a coaching journey where you are exploring your limiting leave beliefs and what were they limiting beliefs under all this.

[00:21:41] And I mean, again, I'm talking from hindsight. I didn't know all that.

[00:21:46] , process it. Don't let it stick in your body and yeah. Forgiveness for sure.

[00:21:52] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Probably not just yourself, but even the people around you for what they couldn't give you. I'm

[00:21:59] Leigh Paxton: Well, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:22:01] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:22:02] Leigh Paxton: Yeah, forgive the yourself for the role you've played and forgive others for the roles they've played and, and also get step out of judgment as to this was right and this was wrong. It's both. And when, when we get stuck in this polarity thinking, it's horrendous, it's

[00:22:20] Damaged Parents: it's, It can

[00:22:21] Leigh Paxton: to, it is, it can destroy you.

[00:22:24] So, Step away. See the shadow, face the shadow, see the gift and the shadow. There is always a gift, always. And then just approach it as an experience as I would would I choose to repeat that experience? Would I choose not to repeat that experience?

[00:22:42] Damaged Parents: Right, Right. So now then it just becomes an experience.

[00:22:47] Leigh Paxton: Yeah.

[00:22:48] Damaged Parents: Well, I am so grateful to have got to have you on the show. It feels like we've only been talking for five minutes and we're at almost We're way past that . But you guys can find Leigh Huxley on Instagram @ huxleyleigh.com, and her information will be in the show notes.

[00:23:05] She's also on facebook@lee.huxley.seven is her tag there, and you can also email her at heavenly and she spells heavenly. H E A V E N L E I G H dot spiritual coaching gmail.com. You can email her direct. Any last words today before we close out the show?

[00:23:25] Leigh Paxton: Just about the social media. I'm more active on the Facebook now than I, I'm on the Instagram, but just approach life as a journey. And there's lots of twists and there's lots of turns. There's lots of mountains, there's lots of valleys. Just keep moving.

[00:23:39] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Oh, that's great to end on. Thank you so much.

[00:23:43] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Leigh about how she learned to love herself. We especially liked when she spoke with an abundance of love for the process of living life.

[00:23:57] And learning about herself. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Tik TOK. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then