Episode 93: Celebrate Yourself Says The Backyard Buddha

Dante - The Backyard Buddha

My name is Dante and I am a Recovering Codependent who struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was suicidally depressed at one point, I had my car repossessed, I was addicted to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes.

Social media and contact information: Instagram: The Backyard Buddha

Podcast transcript:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where numb, lonely hurt people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.

These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.

Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Dante. He's The Backyard, Buddha. He has many roles in his life, brother changemaker, and way more than that. We'll talk about how he struggled with addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, was suicidally depressed and has determined that he struggles with borderline personality disorder and how he found health and healing. Let's talk

Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Dante The Backyard, Buddha. He's on TikTok and Instagram, always with fascinating short little tidbits of inspirational messages. I'm so glad you're here today.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:02:17] Thanks for having me on I'm pumped.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:19] I was super excited because you came on to talk about struggle and challenges and it's always neat to hear someone else's story and see ourselves in that story, even though it's not exactly our story.

So I would love it. If you just start your story where it starts for you, and then I'll ask some questions along the way. How's that sound?

The Backyard Buddas: [00:02:42] Sounds great. Sounds great.  Being a kid, I feel like that's where all of us get really conditioned by our parents, our immediate family that we're close to in those formative, younger years and our environment, what's kind of happening. And what's at play for me. I love my parents. I love my family and they're amazing.

And we all have conditioning that we come into this world with. And sometimes, it's very hard to break out of that and. A lot of the conditioning that was placed upon me growing up, had a lot to do with addiction. A lot of emotional abuse, physical abuse, nothing. It's probably me like disqualify motherfucker trying a little bit like, Oh, can I curse on here? I'm sorry.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:19] It's okay. Go for it. We'll just label it explicit.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:03:23] Cool. Sorry about that. I didn't have like physical abuse that was, like getting beat, or with an object or something. But I did have it as like punishment for certain things, or I was punished, how to do like bunch of exercise and stuff that I didn't really want to do for not acting in a specific way or for voicing how I really felt.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:42] I think I heard you say you would be punished for how you really felt. Or by expressing that emotion.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:03:48] Yeah. Sometimes I would express how I was feeling and I would be shut down or I would see that really disappoint, the person I was expressing to, you know, I'll, kind of leave names out to, not

call people out.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:59] Yeah. Yeah. So I just want to get a better understanding. So you would say you were upset about something and then it was maybe it was like buck up, you got, nothing to worry about or what were the types of. Things that you would hear so that it made it seem like it wasn't. Okay.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:04:17] yeah. Good question. So I, was and still, am a very, very sensitive person and there's words for that codependent empath. So I'm, super aware as a defense mechanism of like how other people are feeling. And one time I remember I was voicing how I felt, because I really didn't want to do something else.

I was feeling sick, nauseous. I felt like crap. And I was just like, I can't do this today. And that was a big deal for me. Cause most of the time I just kind of suppressed it and just go along with what everyone else wants to do. And I remember the person I expressed this to, I could just feel their disappointment like radiating and for the rest of that day, They proceeded to punish me by like having me run up flights of stairs, hold up like two Sharpies in a stand like this for long periods of time

until it like hurt.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:03] Yeah. And you're holding your arms up, like as if you're gonna raise a barbell above your head,

The Backyard Buddas: [00:05:10] Yeah. Pushups. And it just all matters, stuff like that. So, you know I would get spanked for things that I didn't really warrant spanking. I mean, does anything really ever warrant spanking? So like that's the extent of like the physical abuse side? It's nothing crazy. Like  someone might traditionally thing like getting beat, but it was very damaging, especially as someone who's very, sensitive.

And that was definitely not the parenting style that I needed. Or anyone needs really I'm kind of ranting here though. But apart from that, I witnessed a lot of addiction in my family alcoholism. No drugs meth weed, which I wouldn't classify as like a drug drug, but it was definitely abused and not in a way that, I think is healthy.

A lot of co-dependent behaviors were instilled because I felt like I couldn't really express myself and I had to continually please the people around me and watch out for how they're feeling. It's very much walking on eggshells. If I could do this. And if I could intuit enough how they were feeling.

Then I could act in the way that they would see as preferable, which I got really, really adept at doing so to diffuse their own internal tension and lower the risk of being yelled at, or being on the end of their disappointment.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:17] Okay. So you literally, as a codependent would try to watch and see if you could figure out how someone else was going to abate to behave and then adjust your behavior accordingly. and you did that a lot. It sounds like because I also heard you say that when. the parenting style, you standing up for yourself and then being punished for standing up that was a huge gigantic deal for you if you're used to pleasing people.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:06:51] totally.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:51] So you were really stepping out of your comfort zone and then got punished for it. Oh my gosh. So I mean, Angry frustrated. What do you remember?  I don't know the look from you. I get that you probably remember exactly what that felt like. Like was there a physical sensation?

What you've already told us a little bit about what was going through your head. Like, I don't deserve this.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:07:15] Yeah, I remember it was definitely a big turning point of like, Oh, this whole, standing up for myself thing doesn't really work. So let me just resign myself to never doing that again because wow. I got a whole entire day of punishment and, I feel like I've horribly disappointed the person.

And that was, very heartbreaking. It's very. It felt like I caused their perceptions and like, it was my fault, what they were feeling, which is ridiculous. That's their own perceptions. That's nothing to do with me. I know that now, but it was horrible. So from that moment, I then just got really quiet and suppressed everything that I was feeling.

And that was kind of the start of a lot of codependency. Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:53] Okay. I mean it's so it sounds like in some ways in codependency, the behavior that you have that people pleasing would, so let's say you like someone you're going to do everything that you think they want. And then at some point maybe that will backfire. I mean,  I dunno where I'm, what I'm trying to get at.

I just thinking that the people pleasing couldn't be super helpful in relationships down the road.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:08:21] Totally. Totally. Yeah. I mean, in both cases, right? Like relating to who I grew up with and in relationships later down the road from me, it was like constantly trying to Intuit what the other person wants to try to be that so that I can diffuse any tension cause horribly traumatized and think that tension is always right around the corner.

That would make me very exhausted. And I wouldn't. Take care of my own needs and nourish my own cup. I feel that in a relationship you're really only giving 20% of your energy to the person and that's after you've taken care of all your needs and like what brings you joy and  taking care of your passions.

It's like all that excess energy you're giving to that person. And that's, somebody might call that selfish for that. You're not being considered, but I take the extreme stance. Like no you're being ultra considerate. And I wasn't really doing that with both my family and people. I was in a relationship with.

I was just constantly worrying about in this moment, did they suddenly turn on me and what are they feeling? How can I mirror that? How can I crack jokes? How can I act in a way that I think will be pleasing to them? And that's fine to an extent when I'm feeling good and it's very natural behavior, but when I'm not taking care of my own needs, then I'm exhausted and it's full of tension and stress and like shame and I'm not worthy and there's like anxiety there.

 Damaged Parents: [00:09:40] How did you start to shift from that codependency? And I know you have some other stuff going on too. And did you learn all about that around the same time or was it at different times? The borderline personality disorder versus the codependency?

The Backyard Buddas: [00:09:57] The BPD was, pretty recent. Maybe in the last, probably last year, maybe last six months, something like that. My dad kind of, one of the cool things he did for me was introduced me to self-help really early on and. That kind of planted some seeds. When I was like in my real early twenties,

I think that's correct. I started wondering more about trauma, how that manifested, because I had kind of exhausted all the self-help things like Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, the CEO of First Form. I think Andy Frisella like, I was just religiously listening to all these podcasts and like trying to discover, like, how can I be better?

How can I take more action? And I would try to do these things, but it wouldn't produce the results that I wanted. And I was tired all the time and I'm like, okay, I don't think this is how it's supposed to be like something's missing here. So then I started learning about trauma and started kind of investigating.

I'm like, okay, what's what is trauma? What is this? Cause I always thought trauma was like, you came back from a war or something and you've seen your friends die, like that's trauma. I didn't realize that trauma could be, as simple as , your mom, you saying, Hey mom, can I get this box of captain crunch as one random example?

And she's like, no, put that back. Like that could be scarring. That can be very traumatizing. So  I started learning about that. I got into spirituality. And started learning a lot about spirituality. And then I started through, various teachers kind of piecing things together and tying things together regarding trauma and how to dissolve that, how to heal that.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:23] Yeah. And when you learned about the trauma being so simple, it could be that tiny thing. What happened inside of you? Was it validating? What happened? You know, Were you like jumping up and down for joy going, Oh my gosh. Now I know what happened. You see where I'm going.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:11:41] Totally, definitely a lot of relief because I had been trying a lot of things for a long time and nothing was really working, or minimally working, not the results that I wanted. And I would find like these different gems, like, that being one of them, like, Oh, like trauma, like what is trauma?

Like learning about that. Like, wow. And every time I'd find one of these gems. I felt very validated and like reassured like, okay, like this is possible to get over, like this is possible to heal. And once I knew that I'm like, okay, well, priorly I was super depressed. And there was a period where I deeply wanted to kill myself.

And I was thinking about that. And as I learned it started learning this information. More and more, I felt like that start to dissipate because now I see an out now I can move in this direction and it might be slow and it might take a long time, but at least I know there's like the silver lining, like I will be okay eventually with enough time.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:29] Learning that gave you hope.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:12:31] absolutely.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:33] if you're on the precipice of, being ready to commit suicide, and then you start learning about trauma and all of a sudden. The next day comes and the next day comes and the next day comes and you're feeling like that's getting further away. That's pretty amazing that it just took some learning and some understanding.

I mean, what led you to even look up trauma?

The Backyard Buddas: [00:12:55] Totally.  , I had been following a bunch of different teachers and one of them came out with a course kind of talking about it and it was.

There's a lot of good stuff in it, but I didn't. There's a lot of, I also, I didn't understand. So that, sorry, what was the question again? Can you, can we say that

Damaged Parents: [00:13:10] Sure, no problem.  What led you to look up trauma? Because it seems like that was really the shifting point for you, like, was learning about it.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:13:20] Gotcha. Yes. Yes. So once I went through that course, I did a live event and I went through his online course and I just repeatedly watched different modules and apply to what he talks about until I kind of exhausted the extent of that for me. And then I went on to study like energy, like anything energy-wise like, what changes energy, what is energy like that whole side of spirituality?

Because I could see some correlations from like the different terminology, they're talking about, and there's just a lot of similarities. So

yeah, it just started ramping up. Like, as I kind of got these different tidbits from different teachers, things slowly started to make more and more sense. And just being able to like, identify different patterns, like identifying patterns and building more awareness of how I'm acting and how the trauma that I'm carrying is influencing.

Those patterns really takes the edge off. Cause it's like, wow, there's nothing actually wrong with me. I'm great. I'm amazing at my core, but I'm just carrying this conditioning and the more I'm aware of this conditioning and how this conditioning is showing up. And how to healthily deal with that.

Then that kind of takes a lot of the, I think self-attack that I definitely had growing up when I didn't know anything about it or how to deal with it. I was just beating myself up constantly, like be better. Why don't you like everybody else? What's wrong with you?

Damaged Parents: [00:14:38] okay. So your internal voice was. If you will, I'm sick, bad and wrong. There's nothing I can do. Right. So you were really mean to yourself thinking you had no reason or why wasn't what you were doing working maybe.

How do you keep moving forward when you have that internal voice like that, or. Like, was it just, if I do this one thing, right, maybe then. What was your thought process at that point?

The Backyard Buddas: [00:15:05] There's definitely a definitely not a straight line. It was very much, very much came in waves. There'd be a wave of inspiration learning, applying stuff. Especially in the beginning. And then there'd be a way of, just kind of crashing and falling down and falling into my go-to, addictive patterns to distract myself to numb, to suppress lots of drinking.

Back then, lots of smoking weed. I was chain smoking cigarettes, just going to bars and just like wasting time, a lot of sleeping. A lot of watching Netflix and stuff and all these things are great independently. It's how you use them. Right. And I was not really using them in a healthy way. I was using them to numb.

So then I would come out of that and then learn a little bit more, apply a little bit more, swing back numb a little bit more. And over time you just kind of keep refining that until you find a balance of. Not so much a balance of like numbing and learning, but more so a balance of sensing when you're coming into needing more time with yourself, needing more space with yourself, needing to give yourself more compassion and do things that are going to fill your cup versus ignore that because we're out of touch with that.

Cause. We have been, we've been suppressing things for all of our lives. So we don't then pull the trigger on these addictive tendencies. So we don't pick up that cigarette. Cause we only do those things. I only did those things because of the emotional conflict underneath. As I started taking care of that, I stopped doing a lot of those things.

I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. I rarely drink, I don't smoke weed anymore. I don't drink coffee anymore. And I can't like these things cause me so much anxiety now. Back then I was the drinking pots of coffee chain smoking cigarettes. Fine, fine. But I realized like the more I started having that in term of relief through embracing his emotions, I became more sensitive to what I was feeling, but also became more sensitive to like everything that I was adjusting to my body.

And I just got a lot of anxiety and it just became very easy to let go of these things. Cause I didn't have that emotional addiction behind it. Like I didn't have that emotional charge, anymore, because I was doing that for myself. Now I still got times down times, two or three days ago, I got super lonely and I really want to go hook up with somebody instead of sit with those emotions.

I ended up sitting with those emotions, but it was very fucking difficult. So I'm still to this day, struggling with a lot of things, but it's a lot better. And I hope that answered your question.

Damaged Parents: [00:17:24] Yeah, I kind of chuckled when you said, it was really f-ing difficult, you know, and that's just because of my beliefs. I don't cuss that much. So bear with me. Oh, no, it's okay. I can hear it. One of my family members I'll have to tell you, she used to say, she would say the F word so much. I had to process what she actually was saying.

It took me like minutes to figure, you know, or it felt like minutes to me, which it wasn't, but like, I would be quiet for a little bit because I still had to process through it. So whatever other people do, that's all good. I'm good. I'm good. It's just me. So that's why I said it that way, but you know, like, When you said you got super lonely and you had that desire and then you sat with it and it sounded like that was really hard.

And in that, that difficult, the, of that emotion and that pain. And if you will suffering because you feel lonely, right to me, that's suffering. How did you allow yourself to stay in those feelings and just kind of surf the wave of that emotion, if you will, without trying to fix it, because you're really good at that.

From what you've told me.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:18:34] Totally totally. I mean, there's many things now that I like to do. one of my favorite things is this five-step little process that I like to give people, which is number one, I label all intense emotion, just my inner child, just for easy reference, like, Oh, my inner child is coming out and needs more attention.

So step one is calling out like. What your inner child is feeling. So that day with the loneliness, I was like, okay, Hey, thank you inner child. I can really tell that you're feeling very lonely right now. Step one, step two. I said, thank you for being vulnerable and risking judgment. Thank you for feeling safe enough to share these feelings with me because he trusts me.

Step three. I said, I'm sorry that you're upset right now. I'm sorry that you're feeling very lonely. But I love you so much. Thank you for letting me know. You need more love and attention right now. Not less. You have a right to feel this way because of how you've been treated in the past, and that wasn't your fault.

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't deserve that. I admire you so much for surviving the pain, neglect, and abuse that created these emotions, this loneliness. I love all this loneliness that you share with me. I love you exactly the way you are. I'm not going to leave you. And

if you have more to share with me and that's okay. And I would just go, just do that for like, I don't know. I think I walked around the park near by 30 times.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:58] So you consistently have to go back through those steps over and over. To throughout that timeframe  where you were feeling, those tough feelings.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:20:08] Totally. Yeah, because I'm so in the habit less, so now it's still present. So in the habit of just ignoring that right suppressing is like stepping it down or doing something to take the edge off numbing or just mentally disassociating. So not focusing on the emotion and what that's trying to show me and tell me and share with me, but just think about other stuff.

Like, what am I going to do right now, or want to do later?  All of this is a form of numbing so it's like cutting through that and just getting to the heart of the emotion. It's like, what am I feeling? Let me sit with this. Although it feels like maybe I'm going to die. Definitely had that feeling like literally, maybe it feels like I can't like, there's no way I can survive this.

Like, it's so intense, but sitting with it and. Doing your best to open up a dialogue with it. What's here was this trying to show me and after enough, attempts over time with enough practice, it gets easier and easier and easier. And you start having these really deep revelations of it really isn't your fault.

And this is why you're feeling this and it's okay that you're feeling this and it's all right. It's just another wave of hurt. That's just passing and. A lot, like, what I imagine childbirth to be like, you just get these pangs of pain, but you're ushering in life. That's like you're ushering in a new state of being, so you just kinda gotta be present and gently, walk that emotion back home.

Damaged Parents: [00:21:27] That's really interesting. I love how you described it because I really felt, I felt when I heard you describe what you did this genuine love for that inner child. And for those feelings that you've really actually turned it into I appreciate this feeling. You might not like it. It might be uncomfortable and yet feeling it is so important.

And you had said something about like numbing and then when you said that you were also talking about things like, I need to do this, or I need to do this. Can you expand on how making a list of things that you need to do could be also numbing or trying to run away from those feelings?

The Backyard Buddas: [00:22:10] Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. It's one of my favorite topics. So there's two real big functions of the wounded inner child as I call it. So one is intense wanting. So we want things because they'll make us feel better and we're seeking relief, but nothing is going to feel, or nothing's going to bring us as much relief as sitting with those emotions and embracing them.

And reclaiming more  of our power, more of my energy, because then that allows us to feel what it feels like to actually be ourselves as we once were amazing, filled with unlimited love vibrant beings before we were imbued with that pain and that conditioning and the other function is how do I figure out what's blocking me, what's wrong with me so I can fix that and change that.

So those are the two kind of driving forces happening , at most moments, at least in the beginning. So there's this tendency to go, well, what am I doing wrong? What can I do more of to get enough? Whatever it is, money status, be cooler. What can I change about myself? What can I remove? What can I improve?

What can I amplify

Damaged Parents: [00:23:18] Right and still, when you're doing that, your not feeling, the feeling you're looking at, what you can do to fix the feeling. So whether it's the list in your head or buying everything on Amazon or daily buying something. I'm thinking that there might be some sort of physical response that happens that makes you feel better for just a minute.

Cause like, I think what I also heard you say is until you sit with those feelings and give them the space, you can do all these other things, but. You're not going to get to where you want to go.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:23:54] Totally. I mean, you said it perfectly like that word right there. Space

That's like the worst nightmare of all those emotions is space is just sitting still. And it's so hard to sit still when that energy is, very much overwhelming us. We're so focused. There's this, all this insistence and aggression and assertion. One example I had, I gave this on a gift call.

I did yesterday. I was talking to her about this very same subject. And I was like earlier in the day yesterday, I was making myself some tea and I ripped this off so aggressively and was just like taking the pack it up because I had some emotions that I wasn't really super aware of like, I was dimly aware it was in the peripheral wasn't super big deal.

And I was like, whatever, I'll just take care of it later. I got to call it a little bit. I made, all these rationalizations. But when I ripped the tea off very aggressively I was like, Whoa, why did I just do that? It was just like, like this moment was just a means to an end to get to the next moment you get to the next moment.

So I could do the call later and then do that and do that. And I wasn't really here. And I caught myself and I did that and I was like, Whoa, wait a minute. I kinda just like took a breath. Gently took the tea bag out made my tea, but with presence and not this insistence. And it's that insistence that keeps chaining one moment with another moment that keeps us in the state of stress and in our heads.

And it almost feels like we're suffocating. So in that state, it's like, any activity should be met with the utmost calm. And that's the greatest, in my opinion, that's the greatest indicator of how close or far away from who you actually are, is how, calm are you? Our default personality to me is extremely calm.

Like the farther you get away from that, the more inflamed our personality has become because our nervous system is overstimulated. We've got these emotions that we're not looking at. And now we're trying to look for like, what experiences can I gain to make me feel better? Or what can I change about myself?

How can I take more action? And we make up these crazy fucking lists to do lists and obstacle courses that we don't really want to do, maybe that we would like to be doing, or I'm a fan of saying, I will eventually be doing these things, but I'm not inspired to do them right now. And we just beat ourselves up and then we're like, Oh, I can't do this.

Or maybe I do one or two of the items, but I feel to do all the other items. So let me now just beat myself up for not being good enough versus going, I don't need to do any of these items. This is not what I need right now. What I need is to fucking sit down with myself and really feel what I'm feeling or take a bath or go for a walk or call my mom, whatever.

Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:26:23] So it sounds like. Learning to love yourself as important and being present. Now you had given an example about the teabag and just rip it open really hard that teabag, and, you caught yourself in that moment. I'm thinking it took you a long time to get to that point to where you could catch yourself there instead of a few hours later, or a few days later, what has learning that been like and practicing that.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:26:50] Extremely challenging, but also very rewarding because the more I'm able to nurture that state of calm, where, I am able to listen to like what other people are saying to me versus continually, having my thoughts, flicker to like some worry or some problem in my life, to be common, easy to be sitting with those emotions, the more calm I feel.

And from that place, I'm not having to effort or to analyze or break things down. There's a lot of intuition. There's a lot of inspiration. There's a lot of ease. There's a lot of effortlessness and that becomes super addictive. The buy-in for that sitting with the emotions, being aware of your state and just being like.

Okay, let me just breathe let me slow down. 400% here. That's challenging. It still is challenging there's days where I'm just like, I hate this. Oh, I, when will this change? Why is this so slow? Why can't I just be like this? Like everybody else, but more and more, those days are far and few between. And. I just feel grateful that I get to have this, these States of calm and surf these waves of inspiration.

And that seems to be, daily increasing incrementally. And I'm just very appreciative.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:59] So, what are the things I'm hearing is even when you want to change, it's a slow process and that's okay. That's a lot of what I got from what you just said. And the other part is that. Being present is really important. And I heard you say slow down 400%.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:28:17] Yes.

Damaged Parents: [00:28:18] And I think you exaggerate for a valid reason, right? Because when I'm upset being present is very difficult. Right. So it sounded like maybe one of the things you first, you recognize the teabag. And then what did you do? Did you say something in your mind, did you take deep breaths?

What was the process?

The Backyard Buddas: [00:28:37] So when I feel my emotions are like a seven, eight, nine, 10   I'll use the, like the mantra that I gave earlier, like, Hey, I can really tell you're upset right now. Dah, dah, dah, and work myself down to like, a six. Six and below I focus exclusively on breathing and noticing the breath. It's not so much like, breathing for a count of four and exhaling for a count of six.

And if you do that, that's amazing. But it's more so just noticing the breath itself and not trying to impose any sort of structure to it. Just like, let your body breathe. However it wants to breathe, but just notice it. And as we notice our breath. We automatically and gradually begin relaxing nervous system begins relaxing.

And we keep this state of being mentally alert, but physically relaxed. And when you merge those two together, I find that your conditioning starts to unravel and dissolve. And the more we can make that state familiar of I'm aware I'm alert and not so much like I'm alert for worry. And I'm thinking about all the things that I need to do, but no, like I'm present, like there's actually no thoughts here which might sound like a crazy concept and I'm physically relaxed and I'm just breathing and I feel very calm.

And then I'm bringing that calm into conversations, with other people into my activity, be it making tea or just like grabbing this, like, I'm actually aware that I'm grabbing the bottle. I'm not just like grabbing it while I'm thinking about things or, thinking about getting to the next place and it's that, that chaining events and chaining thoughts together, which is only happening because we're overstimulated and there's a strong correlation When our breathing begins to become very shallow, we become, our nervous system gets overstimulated.

We become very stressed out and that's when we want to numb more. We distract more. We want to suppress things more. If we can start relaxing, slowing the breath down just by noticing, not like forcing it because that can create a lot of frustration, but just by noticing it and just allowing ourselves to gradually effortlessly, automatically relax.

I find a lot of my conditioning just melts away. I'm going to be present with people. If they're mad at me or something, it doesn't have nearly the effect it has when I am overstimulated. Cause then that conditioning is very prevalent and then I'm like, Oh, it's my fault. And like, I shut down, whatever you say is right, like I am a terrible person.

And somehow I'm responsible for your perceptions about life.

Damaged Parents: [00:30:55] Right. That's gotta be a hard world to live in when you believe that  you're the problem, because someone else has these feelings that are scary. I mean, really, they can be scary, right? When someone's angry, that can be scary, especially based on what you were telling me. I'm thinking it took time to get there too where you could be in a situation and also find the calm and focus on your breathing.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:31:22] A hundred percent. Yeah. And there's still days where they're their state. Sometimes it's extremely overwhelming and I feel that kind of like internal anguish, but again, that directly links up with how relaxed am I and how much am I connecting with what I'm feeling when I'm doing that. Now it's have a lot of empathy because.

I know that, I'm not responsible for how you're feeling and really you're just showing me how you were treated in the past because, happy people don't treat other people like that. So you are hurt. So that brings in a lot of empathy versus judging the person like, wow. Like, no, like you're literally showing me how you were treated when you were younger.

So, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you feel it that way. Like. That sucks. So it allows compassion, but also allows drawing boundaries. Doesn't mean I have to like consistently be around that person. I can easily just be like, Hey, maybe we should talk about this later, or just avoid that person or create more space between that person.

And that was extremely hard for me to do in the past and still is challenging to this day. But the more I embrace my own emotions. The more, my self-esteem and self-worth raises and the nicer I am to myself, which also increases that self esteem and self worth. And as that increases, I just stopped becoming in sync with how those people are feeling when they are upset with me or they're projecting because I don't take it personally because I have more of that self esteem and self worth.

And I can see that has nothing to do with me. And, one realization that I had is like, wow, I only. Or in part, at least I kept myself at such a low place because much like the disappointment thing I mentioned earlier in our conversation. It's like, if I try to stand up for myself and then feel good, and then they get mad, that's such a huge letdown versus if I just can continually keep myself feeling like crap, and then they say something, then there's not as big of a fall.

 Damaged Parents: [00:33:13] Oh, I've never thought. So it's almost was easier to stay at that lower point than it is to was to build that self-esteem and start finding boundaries and things like that. Because when you get there, Then it feels maybe the belief would be, Oh my gosh, I'm going to crash and burn and I'm going to fall off this cliff and it's going to hurt really bad.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:33:35] totally.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:36] I never thought of it that way before. And I think that's really interesting and it would make sense why people would be afraid to shift and change.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:33:44] Totally, totally.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:45] That's amazing because I think that a lot of people will relate with that.  I mean, I certainly did so if I'm going to make it about me. No, just kidding. So tell us a little bit about borderline personality disorder for the people who don't know what that is and how that impacts you.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:34:05] Yeah, so I want to be clear. I'm not diagnosed.

This is just what I've looked up from the internet and, tests and stuff that I had to like every single one. I think I'm, not, I'm missing like one of the one, one of them, but I have the rest. Basically in a nutshell, from my limited understanding, you are feeling everything to the extreme and unlike, bipolar disorder.

Hold me on this, right? Which is you kind of go through these waves, these periods, maybe like a week or two of feeling, really depressed, and then a week or two of feeling, maybe manic, borderline personality disorder. It's extreme in every moment you can be extremely angry at one second, extremely shut down and feeling ashamed of yourself, worthless the next second.

And it's just these crazy like peaks and not really valleys, just a bunch of peaks, just crazy highs or crazy lows. And. I'm, what's called a quiet DPD self-diagnosed which means that I don't really express that. I'm not really like angry. I'm not really violet. I'm just extremely quiet. And I hold that like storm of emotion within while on the outside appearing that everything's cool.

So I can have a normal conversation, especially in the past with somebody and,

They would know I'm upset and I could smile and. Just have a normal dialogue,

Damaged Parents: [00:35:14] So I, could have triggered you already. You could be really, really mad at me and I might not know it because you look happy and jovial,

The Backyard Buddas: [00:35:21] Yeah. I mean, in anger it would be a rare one for me. It'd be more like obligated. I feel obligated to do whatever you like. I would have no like zero boundaries. Like if you're like, Hey, you want to go do this? I'll be like, yeah. I would just be shaking with fear because , I don't want to upset you.

Damaged Parents: [00:35:38] Oh, no.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:35:40] it was crazy. It's absolutely crazy. So that's my extent of it. Of my understanding of it just extreme highs, extreme lows. I was the quiet version, so I hold everything in

Damaged Parents: [00:35:49] Is it scary to share that then? Because if you're the quiet person holding it in, was it, well, I can't, I don't know that, that it would still be scary because you're, you do so much online. But in your private life, like letting someone know that these are those feelings that are happening.

Is that still scary? Because I think it would be based on what you're saying, the fear and doing things the way you did.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:36:16] Yeah. Hmm.

Not so much scary, like how I feel about it is it's more like,

like I know what's causing it and I know the remedy for it. So I just, I don't even want to talk about it. Like, this is fine. This is fine. I'm just not, I'm not uncomfortable or anything, but I mean more so like, I'll just do the inner work. Like I'd rather just I'll come hang out with you when I'm feeling inspired.

And when I'm not, I'm just gonna do me and, sit with these emotions and it's just going to play out over time and I'll just keep getting better and better and better. And yeah, that's cool. I'll keep it very personal. With my community of people that I coach, I'm very, very open about what I'm feeling.

I try to be that way on social as well. Just try to be extremely transparent, but.

Yeah, I just, I get frustrated very easily. Like why talk about it? What would be more optimal or like would be more efficient is like, just to go sit with these damn emotions. So then instead of talking to you about it, that you, but like, somebody has example instead of just venting.

I could just be venting to myself and then I can actually bring my personality of having fun with you and enjoying with you to the table. And we can have a really good time together now. That's, that's extreme. It's very dramatic. Like I have, my best friends and sometimes I do vent and sometimes I am going through something, but I so strongly dislike that feeling because I want to keep training all the time, myself to be there for myself.

And it's very extremist that probably will balance out over time. But yeah, that's how I feel about it.

Damaged Parents: [00:37:41] Okay. So I think what I hear you saying is more often than not, you choose to want to just sit with those feelings so that you can. Get better, maybe at understanding who you are and what that means and what you're going through. And sometimes you might vent or say, Hey, I need some support or you know what?

I'm not gonna, I'm not going to engage right now because I need this time to process. Am I picking up on that for the most part? Yeah. I think processing emotion is really hard. And you're doing a really good job at explaining how difficult it can be. And I think most people struggle with that. Otherwise it wouldn't be a conversation

The Backyard Buddas: [00:38:24] Yeah,

Damaged Parents: [00:38:25] world.

Right.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:38:26] Totally. And I, I struggled with that. Like, it's, it feels in a lot of ways it's gets gotten extremely easier, but in a lot of ways, it feels just as hard as when I first started. So I really relate with that. It's two really cool things that, that kind of came up when you shared that is like number one, viewing this as a tremendous gift that.

Like our parents and family have given us like this conditioning, because it provides the opportunity to love ourselves. It'd be our own parents and that's kind of fucking cool. And now not a lot of people get that. Like if you grew up with I don't think any of us have perfect parents, but like if you got a lot more healthy conditioning, that's awesome.

And that's really great. But our silver lining is we get to give that to ourselves. And number one, and number two, it's such a beautiful journey rediscovering who you are and that. The more you heal and embrace these emotions and make this state of just being calm and just breathing easy, normal and familiar.

You just how great it is to just be yourself. You know, It's like corny and cheesy as that sounds like it's just like, you're beautiful. And you have things that you're passionate about and you have creativity in the sense of humor, and it's really awesome to be you. And I just kind of got eclipsed, in, in childhood.

So reconnecting with that rediscovering, that is amazing. And I think that totally outweighs any sort of discomfort that you might feel initially

Damaged Parents: [00:39:46] That's really. That is really beautiful. Thank you for saying that. I just keep going back to what was that Disney movie about the feelings? Well, Soul was the one with the, before we come to earth, right. Oh, goodness gracious. That's probably not important. But like getting to be okay with and love.

I mean, I just, I really think your message comes back to love who you are and when you're struggling, just notice your breath and breathe because you're beautiful who you were meant to be is still there. And I think that's a beautiful message. Trying to think if there are any more questions I have, I think we've done a pretty good job at digging into it. .

The Backyard Buddas: [00:40:27] I think so.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:28] I think so. So the thing I do at the end of my podcast is I asked for three tips or tools that you want to give the listeners. We may have already talked about them, maybe not, but three things you want them to walk away from this podcast, with that maybe they could do today, or at least think about doing.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:40:44] Oh, exciting. What an exciting question. Okay.

Give you guys the real good stuff. So number one, it's super, super helpful to identify how you're disassociating. So the three types of disassociation is emotional, mental and physical. So what do I mean by that? Emotional, you have intense emotions that are arising and we're choosing to not look at those to neglect those. Number two mental, you have thoughts that are just  on repeat.

That's not normal. A normal state. I have like using the mind healthily is. You're inspired. And you act upon that inspiration or upon that, that aligned emotion, if you will. So when I noticed myself just thinking about random stuff, it could be, what I want to eat could be what I want to do later. It could be, thinking about what you just said five minutes ago.

Like anything, that's a big clue to me that. Wait a minute. I'm disassociating. I'm getting stressed out. Like there's something I'm not looking at. Or my nervous system is beginning to become overstimulated. So I want to acknowledge any emotions and just slow things down and just really calm down.

And you'll notice there might be a little agitation. There, there might be a little restlessness. That's great agitation. And patients' restlessness. Are the indicators that you're about to enter a Supreme state of peace. So just keep increasing the amount of, stillness, of space.

And you will come into that, just like relief into that, that just nice grounded state. Whereas you're now just talking with two people from a very calm place. And this doesn't mean you gotta be monotone. Like we crack jokes here. it was a good time.

Damaged Parents: [00:42:21] Yeah. Yeah.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:42:22] was a fluctuation of emotion and I'm not like at a hundred percent calm, but like pretty calm.

So mental is a big one. And then physical noticing. Is there any tension in your body? Is there any pressure, around your face? Are your shoulders tense. How's your breathing is huge. So big, so big. That could be the second tip breathing. How are you breathing? Can you properly take a breath in or it's just like consistently, if it's like that, just practice, slowing down practice.

Just noticing the breath and just slowing it down. That's so huge. And the third one.

I'd say as incorporating a, some sort of breathing practice for 15 minutes a day, preferably in the morning when you first wake up. When you first wake up, sit up, go drink some water. We usually very dehydrated. While we sleep, go use the bathroom. Maybe take a walk around your house, just to get the blood moving and then come sit in your bed.

Your chair, set a timer on your phone 15 minutes, and just notice your breath and notice what it feels like to just become more calm and to let your body gradually relaxed and make that normal, make that the state that you're carrying into your day and just see what starts to happen. Because I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how you might have not responded as quickly to someone as you might have before.

Or there might not be as much tension or anxiety or anger or impatience or whatever it might be. That'll just happen more and more and more. So those are like three really quick ones.

Damaged Parents: [00:43:45] Those are fantastic. I am so glad I got to have you on the show today. Everybody Dante, The Backyard Buddha, you can find them on TikTok in Instagram. I'm so glad you were here.

The Backyard Buddas: [00:43:57] Thanks for having me. This was awesome. And I love your energy.

 Damaged Parents: [00:44:01] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Dante The Backyard Buddha about how he has been able to recover and find ways to deal with his personal challenges. We especially liked when he taught us to look for the three different ways we might be dissociating.

To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on TikTok. Look for damaged parents. See you then. be here next week still relatively damaged. See ya then.