Episode 80: Men Struggle Too
Nath Brye
Nath Brye is a stand up comedian, fantasy author who has struggled with mental illness for a good portion of his adult life. He found my way through it and is now on the path to finding my peace and happiness.
Social media and contact information: Instagram - Nath Brye
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where devilish hungry, depressed people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side whole.
Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Nath Brye he has many roles in his life, father, son, brother, author, and more. We'll talk about how he struggled with mental illness and how he found health inhaling let's talk
Welcome Nath Brye so Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. You are a demon child taken from your family at five seasons of age and thrust into a life of slavery. What is that about? No, I'm just kidding. I know. That's your book.
Nath Brye: [00:02:09] Fantastic.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:11] How did you end up writing Slave Boy and here you struggle with a mental illness. I'm wondering how much of that is tied into when you've write if some of your personality sneaks into that,
Nath Brye: [00:02:25] all of my personality sneaks into it.
but I do videos on my Instagram called Sharing the Journey because I want to be an author that people have access to, and the Sharing the Journey videos around my emotions while I'm writing plots, stuff like that,
And the four main characters in Slave Boy are all different aspects of. me.
If that makes sense. The like little tidbits if you've read the book, you'll think cool really? Cause there's some pretty psychotic behavior. Obviously it exaggerated for the book. But all of my emotion goes into my writing. I don't know how to write any other way. So yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:57] So even fictionally utilizing the different parts of yourself to create characters
Nath Brye: [00:03:05] Hm.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:06] has actually, it sounds like it's helped you more than anything.
Nath Brye: [00:03:09] It has, I mean, a lot of different authors, a lot of different writers, they all do it different ways. And like other authors, I use people around me for characters as well, but a lot of the inspiration for the characters comes from inside comes from me different aspects of me.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:23] And. So let's talk a little bit, you wanted to come on and talk about your struggle that's what this podcast is about. The struggle. It sounds like you've had more than one, even as I was reading over your one sheet, just that it's been a process for you throughout that you were in standup comedy.
You were getting ready to write a one hour standup comedy show and couldn't get into it and then started writing. I mean, and you can start your struggle wherever it starts for you. I would like to understand what happened there at some point.
Nath Brye: [00:03:57] I mean, the struggle for mental health kind of been off and on from an early age. But it wasn't until early thirties that I reckon it was pointed out to me how you have mental health problems. And until, you know, you're like, why am I like this is everyone like this? I'm sure everyone can identify with that when you're going through those struggles.
Is it just me that's going through this or is it everybody? And then. At the time I had a partner and she pointed out, Hey, you've got mental health issues. You need to go get it sorted. And it was the first step to, recognizing where I'm at and who I am, um, with the comedy thing. I'd done comedy for three years at that stage.
I was what we call an open mica. So hitting all the open mics, I'd had a few paid spots, a few paid MC spots. And then in New Zealand, it's the natural progression. Okay. Now it's time for our show. We're very lucky in New Zealand, we have a lot of fringe festivals, which are arts festivals, everything from poetry to comedy, everything as New Zealand, comedians will write in our show and then six or seven of these French fistfuls within the year.
And that's how you get going. And that's where I was at. But New Zealand went into lock down for COVID March, 2020. And I'm like, right, I've got some time off now let's write this in our show.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:03] Yeah.
Nath Brye: [00:05:04] I just, couldn't face it I'm just like, look, you know what? I'm just over it at the moment. And I'd always written stories in some way or another.
So I was like, I'm going to start writing stories. My first book Slave Boy was born. I haven't looked back.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:15] Yeah. Did you have the idea in your mind? I mean, when I'm thinking a demon child and I mean, how long had this idea been brewing for you?
Nath Brye: [00:05:25] Quite a wall as little child. I didn't like going to bed. Most of us didn't, you know, it's not like your parents are saying, go to bed, and get some sleep. As little kids we hear go lay in a dark room for eight hours, so what I used to do as a little kid is I'd build stuff in my head as I'm drifting off to sleep to make it fun.
As a little kid, it was. I convert dad's car into a rocket ship, stuff like that, just to get the imagination firing. And then as you grow older, those things you build in your head change a bit. I got to my late twenties, I started building dream homes and log cabins in my head. It was the detail of where every stud every beam went that got me to sleep got to my late thirties.
I branched out, I built a medieval church, then a village surrounding the church. Then a city surrounding the village and a country. I populated it with people. I started doing storylines for all these people in politics, and that's where the story came from. To be honest, the story I had in my head was actually booked four in the series.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:22] Oh,
Nath Brye: [00:06:22] I had to write 1, 2, 3 to get to four. So four was kind of already written the heat. I know exactly where that's going, but I had to go for the first three first.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:29] That's amazing. And so it sounds like it was very natural for you to build these ideas in your mind. And what was it like putting them to words.
Nath Brye: [00:06:39] That can be a struggle. Like it's funny, I've bought two in the series as currently at the proofreaders and this week, my best selling book three. And I had a one-on-one session with my author coach yesterday. And she said to me, she knows when I'm in my flow state, because there's quite a few grammatical errors, spelling errors.
She knows I'm just talking furiously. It's pretty natural getting those ideas down, but don't get me wrong. Sometimes it can be a struggle to get what's in here in your head on the paper,
Damaged Parents: [00:07:07] Yeah. What do you do when you're in that struggle, do you get frustrated? I mean, what happens inside of you? Is it, what is the feeling and how do you overcome it.
Nath Brye: [00:07:16] It's not frustration. Cause I know the sign it's like I'm struggling to get it onto paper. So usually I'll stop lie in my bed, put some headphones on with music, just relax and then get back into it, or I'll skip that part and jump a paragraph or two, ahead and then come back to, it just depends how I'm feeling at the time.
Cause generally speaking, when I'm in that flow state, I don't want to stop. Just want to going while it's coming.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:38] Right, right. Okay. So w and I know we're jumping around a little bit. I just want to go back to the mental health struggle. This is just the way I am sometimes I tell you the mental health struggle. When the, your girlfriend, I think you said, came to you and said, you've got some things you need to get sorted.
Nath Brye: [00:07:55] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:55] How did that feel for you able to, was it said in a way that you were able to go oh yeah maybe or what happened?
Nath Brye: [00:08:02] It was, it was actually, sorry, my second wife, it was Christine. We're still very good friends. Although we're not together anymore. When she sat me down and told me , I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I was just like, yeah, that makes sense. It was like a light went on. I was like, Okay. I need to go and get this checked out.
Lucky. I was with a company that gave free counseling sessions. So I went and had a couple with a counselor and he pointed some things out. I got back from those sessions and it's like, this makes so much sense. Why didn't I do this 15 years ago? I mean, I'm not sure what it's like, where you are, but in New Zealand, we've got a very good push through the media and through the government's paying for television ads about men reaching out for help.
We have one of the highest suicide rates in the developed world for males aged 16 to 25 per head per capita. It's just because of our culture, you know what I mean? It's supposed to be tough. You don't need help, and our government and different health authorities, we're all trying to, say to guys you're struggling ask for help and it's brilliant.
It's now the stage in New Zealand where we can, we feel comfortable asking for help and it's getting easier and easier.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:04] So I have, I think I saw a movie. Well, no, , I know I saw a movie. So there is a movie, The Mask You Live In, which is specific to men and boys. And one of the most interesting tests of statistics that I gained from that is that emotionally speaking, men and women are 90% the same.
Now, knowing that being that you're a man, I'm a woman we're having this conversation. I don't think it did you know that first of all. Hm.
Nath Brye: [00:09:34] No,
Damaged Parents: [00:09:34] didn't okay. You didn't. And then how, what does that make you think about mental health? So when you know that statistic, or what does that make you think about men and women?
Nath Brye: [00:09:44] it's a hard site. I mean, it's, it makes sense. I think it's because it's hard to answer that for me, because obviously being a guy, I'm wrapped up in my guy emotions. It doesn't mean I don't sympathize with women?
or empathize but it's just, it's hard to relate to the struggle when I'm not a woman if that makes sense.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:02] Yeah.
Nath Brye: [00:10:02] but I mean, Yeah I'm
fortunate that I am surrounded by a lot of people that have mental illness. We seem to enjoy each other together as a little support network. Um, And then a woman, man, non binary gender as well and you're right the experiences very, very, very similar. If not exactly the same as some cases, I'm thinking of a friend of mine cause I'm an over thinker.
That's part of the parcel of being an author. Great for imagination when you're writing stories or writing jokes, not so good when you're trying to deal with situations your brain's going a million miles per minute.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:32] And you're coming up with probably multiple solutions for one problem.
Nath Brye: [00:10:37] My head plays scenarios like it's, I never realized until my late thirties that you, like, if I'm going through a hard time or maybe I'm just doing a job at work that doesn't need a lot of brain processing power. My brain will start running off in scenarios and over thinking like anything that's happened in the last 30 years, and if you're not careful, they can catch you out. And all of a sudden your subconscious thinks, okay, these are not scenarios. This is actually what happened. Then you're down in the dumps and depressed, but now I know about this when it starts happening. I now have the tools in place. where I can stop it.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:12] Yeah.
Nath Brye: [00:11:12] And focus on something more positive or blank the mind will do it. Different little exercises where I can focus on what I'm doing and stop that over thinking. It doesn't mean that you win the battle every day, cause every day is a new battle. But now that I have the knowledge and the tools in place, it's a lot easier than it was like 15 years ago.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:29] And, I think I just want to investigate this with you as far as, gender dynamics and things like that for me, As a female hearing that statistic, I'm like, oh, Wow. There are a lot closer to me than I realize as far as men, because that wasn't my perception before.
My perception was that men didn't have emotions. Men didn't struggle with things like depression or anxiety. And, when I heard that statistic and I thought, oh my gosh, we're only 10% different when it comes to emotions. Wow. I bet they feel a lot of the same things as I do. And I'm wondering from your perspective as a man coming from that social perspective of the man needs to be the man and the woman needs to be the woman in this very tough environment that you said you were coming from in New Zealand, very independent.
You've got to be strong that well, let me just say if, when you hear that you go, oh yeah, maybe so. I'm not sure. Or if it's more of a, Ooh, I don't want to be seen as a emotional female.
Nath Brye: [00:12:34] Luckily that stigma around mental illness has fallen away in New Zealand. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure there's still people out there who won't ask for help because they're afraid but as a state, we're very fortunate. The stigma's dropped away and New Zealand now it's okay to ask for help.
It's a lot easier. There's a lot more avenues.
Damaged Parents: [00:12:53] It's not, it's not the emotion and the struggle with that emotion is not now just a female, thing. It is just a human thing
Nath Brye: [00:13:02] Correct.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:03] That's fantastic. I love to hear that. you know, You said on here, you're the first born. Do you think that had anything to do with the struggles you faced as an over-thinker or, the way you were viewed and grew up that had anything on your struggle?
Nath Brye: [00:13:18] No, I mean, my siblings situation is complicated. I'd have to draw you a family tree to show you how my siblings works. Basically my mother and my father had me and then split and then my mum met my stepdad. And he already had a son from a previous marriage. So he was my older brother. But he was 10 years older than me, my mum and my step dad had another child, my little sister, but there was 10 years, either side.
So my brother was 10 years older than me. My little sister's 10 years younger. So it's kind of almost a generation, it's quite a big step. And as a kid, even though I was very extroverted, I was also very introverted. I look back on my childhood and some of my favorite memories were me sitting in my room by myself, playing with toys, you know, cause it was my time out and I loved it.
And I said that to a friend the other day. And he's like, well, when you're out playing with other kids, it's like, well, you know, I did, but I really enjoyed sitting room playing the toys by myself. But from that aspect, no, that didn't really have anything to do with the other thinking. I'm just trying to think when it started.
It was always there as long as I could remember right back from it, early on five and six years of age, primary school. My brain was always, overthinking everything. I just didn't know it back then. I just thought that was, me part of life. Everyone did it.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:24] Right. Isn't that fascinating? I love how you said that because. The way, I think the assumption is you think the same thing too, whether we realize it or not. Right. The assumption is that everyone else is thinking what I'm thinking. And it sounds like you did that too for quite some time. And was it only after you, you went and investigated and spoke with a therapist that you figured out you had done.
Nath Brye: [00:14:49] Yeah. I mean, I was at the time when I went and seek help. I was a postal worker and the postal workers in New Zealand, a little bit different. In those days, we had pushbikes not walking. Like I think they're in the US
and it's a lot of free time for the mind because you're physically, you're reading letters
you put them in a little box and as a lot physical in the minds, dormant that job, there was too much time to think. Just like a lot of other jobs in the world where it's just, your brain is not being used a lot. And that was a struggle. That was when it came to the pinnacle for me, where I think.
One day I'd been, the brain was going a mile a minute, as we say, here in New Zealand and it was getting me down and it got to the stage where I was sitting in the gutter crying, and then I stopped. I'm like, this is not normal, and that's when my wife at the time, Christine said you got to get help.
And so I did. And then that therapist, I had a few sessions with him and other therapists and they just pulled down things that like made sense to me. The first therapist, after I told him about my story, he interrupted me and said, you've got a fear of abandonment and betrayal. And I thought about that in the session and thought, yeah, yeah, I do.
And I'd never realized that about myself and my brother older brother. He was. The manager at my postal branch. And he directed me onto the therapist and I got back the next morning and told him, he's like, what do you have to say? I said, well, apparently I've got a fear of abandonment and my big brother's like, yeah, that makes sense.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:13] Oh, wow. How validating.
Nath Brye: [00:16:16] it was but yeah, as I see it until I reached out and asked for help with the help of my and then wife. Before that it was just, if it was a mess, I didn't know what was going on. I just knew, things weren't right.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:28] So how, once you recognize the fear of abandonment and that those things. How do you move forward? Was it I'm thinking slow, like molasses, but beyond that, what were some of the steps that you took?
Nath Brye: [00:16:41] it's for me, it was learning to trust people. Which is not easy when you have a fear of betrayal or a fear of abandonment. That's when trust people is really, really hard. That is why, like, since then my circle of friends has always been very small. I only, usually in life have a close circle of maybe three or four really best friends that I spend most of my time with.
And then I have a wider circle, but I don't, you know what I mean? Like I just focus on that inner circle because energy wise it's easier for me. We're all busy people and, and I don't like friendships formed by the wayside, so to speak. But having a smaller circle, it makes it easier for that.
when you have fear of abandonment telling your friends or your family that, I fear being betrayed. I fear being abandoned or left out. Once you've told them, I mean, that doesn't mean they've got to cater for you all the time, but they know, so it can be in the back of your mind. Well, when I can see this is betrayal.
Not that it's the burden to bear, but you know, your friends and family need to know
Damaged Parents: [00:17:37] It sounds like telling them helps engage them though in the conversation
Nath Brye: [00:17:41] It does.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:42] of who you are. And because I'm thinking, if you don't tell them, then you might be pretending that you don't have those challenges and then you might have expectations. And then they fail those expectations. I mean, I'm just kind of going down the rabbit hole of what the thought process might be. Was that what you experienced or was it something different
Nath Brye: [00:18:03] like for say, for an example, there was a New Year's Eve maybe 10 years ago, I was living with my best friend that has partner and we had planned a New Year's Eve together. Cause it was new year's Eve and we're going to go out partying and all this in one of my overthinking. My brain was off. And it was it's my over thinking is very much like movies playing in my head.
So the brain's throwing all these scenarios at you and telling you all these horrible things about your two best friends, all are not going to have fun with you. They're going to leave you in a bar by yourself and the brain's off.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:31] Yes.
Nath Brye: [00:18:31] And it got so bad that I had a friend and I said, Hey, what are you doing for New Years?
He's like, oh, we're doing this cool. And I left my two best friends for new year's. I'm going to hang with him because I couldn't deal with those emotions. Okay it got to me because at that stage, I didn't know what was going on. And that's, for me, going down the rabbit hole is that anxiety, that fear of abandonment is narrowing my life and making decisions for me.
So that's why it was so important to get the tools and the knowledge of your triggers and how to deal with them. It makes sense.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:59] I think what I hear you saying is the idea of going to the bar with the other friends while great. Also led to these ideas because your brain took off and you told yourself these stories that you were going to be left, they were going to be, they were going to disappear. So then it became safer to go out with your other friend.
So then the fear was driving the decision. So you really wanted to go out with them, but the fear was so much. So let's say that same scenario or a similar scenario happens today. what do you do for you?
Nath Brye: [00:19:36] I blanked my mind first off. Also I have little rituals I do every morning now. Especially on the way to work. I have an imaginary car dashboard in my head with whole lot of buttons and switches. And on the way to work every morning, the top lines, all the negative stuff. I turn off all the switches and the bottom lines are the positive and I turn on all the switches.
So that starts the day. And if I get to the stage where I'm in that fear, again, all these scenario coming up and I'm feeling uncomfortable with I'll go back. Has that switched, turned itself back on, by any chance? Yes it has, turn it off again. And that's a really useful tool for me. It's a visualization or, I mean, another way I deal with it as I just tell my brain, no, we're not doing this today.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:14] Yeah. Okay. I liked the idea of a dashboard, right?
I'm picturing in my mind, this very real dashboard. And I'm trying to identify maybe some of the switches that you have other, is it like anger and fear or abandonment
Nath Brye: [00:20:29] the first, one's anxiety, second one's depression, the third one is overthinking and scenarios. The fourth one is trust issues. I have a new partner and it's amazing we're gonna be together about a month now she's actually amazing. Um, So turn off trust issues for there and yeah that kind of negative thing. and.
then the positive stuff is. you know good work attitude, hard work. Don't stop friendly and bubbly to everybody make jokes. And I go through the positive. That's why I end on the positive because it's important to end on the positive for me. But that's just one of the tools I do every day. So if a scenario came up that you suggested.
I'll check the switches. I'll tell the brain. No, we're not doing this today. Sometimes it's really bad. I might need to lie in my bed, cry a river and listen to music for five to 10 minutes just to calm down a bit. And then we go, we run with it. I won't let that fear drive me away from what I want to achieve or what I want to do.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:23] So it sounds like to me, you really had to, on a regular basis, turn off those switches. And I'm trying to think of how, when you're, like you said, with the relationship, the trust. You have to turn that negative side of that off. And is it scary to turn that switch off?
I know I'm, kind of chuckling about that, but.
Nath Brye: [00:21:48] I'm very lucky that I've known this woman since we were teenagers and when I was telling her about my mental health issues she said to me, I've got you. And that, was in the first week. See, every time I turn that switch off, I'm visualizing her saying to me, I've got ya.
And just those three words is so empowering and I have never trusted anyone in a relationship. The why I trust my current partner it's the trust is just there and it has been, it doesn't mean I don't have to stop negative thoughts, but. as I said every time, I think of that when she said to me, I've got you a lot of that floats away and drifts away.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:23] Okay. So it sounds like maybe what I misunderstood. So it's more like when you're away from her and those thoughts are running away and you're having to turn off that switch. and I'm also wondering how did you learn to listen to what she did and not to what she said, if you will, because I'm assuming if you've got that betrayal and abandonment, you've had to learn to listen to behavior.
Does that make sense?
Nath Brye: [00:22:48] no,
Damaged Parents: [00:22:48] Thank you. I love it when I get a no.
Nath Brye: [00:22:52] Let me have a sip of coffee and, uh, well, thank again. Hmm.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:56] Maybe if I explain while you're taking a sip there. I know for a lot of women who have gone through abuse, they have to stop listening to what a person says in a sense, and start watching what they do. Like people tell you in their actions who they are. So I was trying to see if you also had to do that because of what was happening in your mind.
Nath Brye: [00:23:21] no, like, as I said, when you're in relationships and someone says, I'm never going to do that to you. You hear that. So often in your life from family, friends, work colleagues, that for some reason, when she said to me, I've got you. That melted away. The trust was just there and it's a beautiful thing. It really is the connection we have together is I've never felt that connection before with anyone family, friends, woman, regardless.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:45] I think what you're telling me with what's happening inside your mind is very different than someone who's experienced abuses. So it's a different tool. There's a different spin on, on maybe even a similar tool that because it sounds like most of the negativity is happening in your mind and not outside of you
Nath Brye: [00:24:06] it's almost like a defense mechanism, what the brain is expecting betrayal.
So it's trying to defend itself and getting ready to run because it's so used to it. I mean, that's been my life response for it, my whole life and things go wrong. I run I've always been a runner, and learning, not to run and learning to face the situation, whatever it is, it's been a journey to get there.
But I am there I'm trusting a lot more these days. And trust is not something you take for granted either when someone trusts you. But yeah, it's been a journey but it doesn't define me. It's just a part of who I am, if that makes sense.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:40] Yeah, no, I totally get that. I think I'm starting to get a better understanding of what it's like for you in your mental challenges in that most of them are in here and it's not because of anything that was done to you. It's just how your brain works.
Nath Brye: [00:24:59] Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. There was things that set the fear of abandonment in motion. My father leaving when I was one which I never thought of before I meet the therapist for the first time, I've had a few women cheat on me in high school and in early adult life. And so add all those together.
A few friends betrayed me in high school, just stuff that happens in life. It's nothing extraordinary. I haven't faced trauma that anyone else has know hasn't faced, but those things just got to me. And that's what started to be down the road, the fear of abandonment. But as I said, it's just part of the journey and, yeah,
Damaged Parents: [00:25:33] I love that it, that you see it as simply part of the journey, because I think that. We all struggle. We all have challenges.
Nath Brye: [00:25:42] agreed
Damaged Parents: [00:25:43] And yeah, my thought is, if I look at it from a victim perspective, it's very different from looking at it from the perspective you're looking at it from the same, well, this is part of the journey and that's why I'm here is to learn and grow that's what I'm getting from you.
Is that what your belief is as well? Or, what are your thoughts?
Nath Brye: [00:26:01] Yeah.
I mean, when I was at my worst, people say, things get better, I've had a lot of people say, things will get better, but when you're in that dark space, when you were down in the dumps, you don't think of that. You don't see that, people will say to you, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
But you can't see that light because you're not looking at the end of the tunnel. You're looking at the wall and it's all black, as the train goes through, but you know, it does. It's all about like my author coach, she says to me, she is, feels very strongly that depression, anxiety, she's gone through a lot of trauma in her life.
And she says, it's a choice. And when I first heard her say that, I was like, what depression a choice. What are you mad? But then she explained it to me. She said, no, no, you don't have a choice where with get anxiety and depression, but you do have a choice to reach out and ask for help. And that got me thinking, I thought, Hmm, I see where she's getting it now.
I see where she's coming from. And it is a choice. It's a choice to stay in that dark place or choice to get out of it. Not an easy choice when you're in that dark place. That's really not.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:59] No, I've got, I think everyone who makes that choice deserves a trophy, which is everyone on this planet. Right? Like at some point I think that most people will have a struggle that brings them to their knees. And, so when you started reaching out, which it sounds like you were pretty open to it.
When, Christine said, which is fantastic.
Nath Brye: [00:27:23] Hmm.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:24] And do you think that you were with that much more open to it because of what's happening in New Zealand, because of what you hear on social media with mental health and things like that.
Nath Brye: [00:27:32] I just, I didn't want to feel that. way anymore. I didn't want to sit in a gutter well, I should have been in delivering mail crying. It just, yeah, I mean, it's funny because I was talking to him about the other day about it. And as I said before and that sort of job where your mind is, but a lot of time, there was a lot of, in my branch alone, it was quite a few posts that suffered from mental health issues.
And it's just having that free time for the mind to wander while you're during your round and delivering mail. But you know, We found ways we help each other and we go through it. Well most of us did some had to get other jobs. Cause it was, it's a great job in the summer, especially, but as I say too much time for the mind so that's why I've try and go to jobs where I'm active in the brain.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:12] Because the more active you are in your brain, then the less your in those thoughts.
Nath Brye: [00:28:19] Just, I don't want to leave room to move for those thoughts.
So I try and keep my brain active all the time or focus on something. I mean, I'm in construction now. I had a lifetime in hospitality, bars, restaurants, hotels. And So that sort of job you are active in the brain because you're having conversations with customers and it's a good way to focus the brain. Construction usually. Yes, there's a lot of, lot of time where your brain is active, but there are jobs in my daily life that, the brain has got time to wander and I'll just use those times to switch off and think of my books and my writing, the next plot, the next character.
So it's another one I keep in mind busy.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:53] Okay. So as you're, as you start going to the negative thoughts, it sounds like you shift your mind to thinking about these other things
Nath Brye: [00:29:02] Correct.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:02] are more, yeah. More fun.
Fantastic. I love that. I love that. And I'm thinking, I mean, you said that it was while you were delivering mail in my mind, I always thought of that as somewhat of a, you'd have to work. And now that you're saying it, though, the mail is divided by the time it gets to you, you're
Nath Brye: [00:29:25] Wait,
Damaged Parents: [00:29:26] to process.
Nath Brye: [00:29:27] in the morning and this country, so we all saw her own round. It's been the first two to four hours in the office, sorting it. in to order, then you pick it all up and go and delivery it.. That's how we do it here. And like, posting in New Zealand back then, or postal officer, you ride past the liter box without stopping and putting the mail in the box.
That's how we do it so quickly. So you're riding along the footpath. Next mailbox bang letters in you carry on. You don't stop every time you stop when there's a parcel or something in the back. So after a few years, when you get into the job and you not well, and you know that round very well, it's just automatic.
You're not thinking about it. You just, where you go.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:03] Yeah, okay. Which makes sense because it's like any new thing at first, you're having to work really hard to learn it. So the brain is working really hard and then once you've got it down,
you don't have to think about it as much.
Nath Brye: [00:30:16] Yeah, I mean, I used to listen to music on the round. Unfortunately you weren't allowed to, because it's a health and safety issue. You can't hear cars coming out of driveways and stuff. Unfortunately, because it was a good job in the days when you could put your headphones on and just cruise along. When you push by throwing mail in boxes,
Damaged Parents: [00:30:32] Yeah, huh? Just never really had thought of it from that perspective before. So I love this idea of being a fantasy author. And I'm wondering because my understanding of comedy is a lot of it is in the surprise,
Nath Brye: [00:30:49] It can be yeah. Yeah, it is.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:52] We're going to go this way and all of a sudden we're in the street over there, people are surprised.
So do you think that on some level, because you have the open mind from comedy and getting used to, to shifting and, being surprised that that was part of what made it easier to go get help and to be okay with the fact that you hadn't thought of it, the idea of yourself and accepting when she came to you and said, oh, you might want to have a look at this.
Nath Brye: [00:31:21] well, when I seek out help for mental health, I was 32 and I didn't start comedy until I was 38. So comedy came along a lot later. But the good thing is with comedy is you can talk about onstage. I've stayed away about talking mental health onstage, but there's in my home city. We have a comedian who specializes that's has topic.
He speaks about his mental health issues and his comedy. So you don't want to be another person doing it, but you know, it's, stand-up comedy is a good outlet, you can get your feelings out there. You've got to make it funny. You don't want to make it a Ted talk or anything. Yeah, that's a great outlet.
And all as a performer in high school as well, first high school musical stuff like that. So being on stage was very natural to me. It's a great zone to be in,
Damaged Parents: [00:32:05] Was it part of your healing then?
Nath Brye: [00:32:07] No, it wasn't for me, it was, the comedy was just part of my personality, just, I felt I belonged on that stage. I mean, obviously I'm taking a break from comedy at the moment because I'm writing these novels and I want to get them out.
But I'll go back to, I want to finish that our show and tour around New Zealand.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:24] Yeah. And I'm betting you do get some comedic scenes in your books. I've not had a chance to read them yet.
Nath Brye: [00:32:30] There is but I mean it's a dark book Slave Boy. It's about slavery and gladiator combat. And there is some funny scenes in there, but that dark humor or black comedy, like it's very dark. I can't spoil it. Most of the dark comedy is in the second book, which is that the proofreaders at the moment, but there are some funny scenes.
I have used comedy a couple of times, but it's not that type of book it's about slavery. It's about a five-year-old boy that was taken from his family and thrust into another slavery in another country and then had to fight for his life day in, day out in the pits.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:05] Hm, which to me makes me think of mental health and how sometimes it's that day in and day out, fight in the pit.
Nath Brye: [00:33:13] mm. I mean the characters. Two of the main four suffer from mental health issues. The lead character, Damon Boy, that is his name. He suffers from anger problems and rebellion and a little bit of overthinking. His best friend bulldog boy, he suffers from anxiety. overthinking irrational behavior.
And you see it a little bit from book one and book two at re even though growing older those problems start to surface a lot more and affect their judgment on what they're doing in the book. But I mean, the characters are on a journey, just like we all are. And they will heal because you have to heal.
There's no point of not healing. You don't want to sit in that zone for river. So the books have been a great outlet for that actually.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:53] I bet. I bet. I'm just thinking of reading fantasy books and how much we learned from the characters and how much. Mental health and who we are. And I mean, as authors and as, readers, I'm an avid reader I love to read. So how much knowledge actually we gain from these fictional books?
Nath Brye: [00:34:15] It's interesting because the reason. I didn't find Sci-fi fantasy until I was about 22. And I never looked back because when I'm reading or watching a movie, I like the escapism. I want something that's so fantastical, but it's not happening in real life. I want a break from reality. That's why fantasy and sci-fi kind of, I get it and it's my thing.
It's what drives me. So that's when I write fantasy it's I want to give other people that escapism. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's some strong themes and the first book like it is without realizing what I've done. I've created a book about brotherhood. The young men and brotherhood is something that's very important for men. And, we need to feel a part of it, proper hood on so many different levels. I mean, it's why a lot of young men in this country go to gangs. Perhaps they've had a broken home. They're not getting the same kind of family time and they're looking for a brotherhood.
Not all of them, some of them are just extremely violent and not being criminals. But Yeah. So the book is about brotherhood and that's so important. Especially to, for me, the hit me for help. I need to feel a part of something like that.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:20] So do you have a group available at this point yet for your, for followers of your book.
Nath Brye: [00:35:26] I have a page on, Bookface uh, sorry, Facebook, I call it Bookface called Demold Chu series. These, a few things in the, or about the whole series. But unfortunately, I haven't had a lot of time to focus on that page. Instagram @nathbrye as the easiest way. I mean, as I said, I'd put up videos every couple of weeks called sharing the journey.
And that's a real big insight to.
how I'm feeling or what I'm writing or updates on the book and asking questions of the fans saying, what do you think? And I'm starting to get a bit of feedback and I get people saying, Hey, I've got this question about your book. Can you answer it for me? So I do a video, I want to be available to the reader.
And so I've got that as a group, I suppose. I have a good friend who runs a men support group here in Christ Church unfortunate because I work very long hours in construction. I haven't had a chance to get along, but you know, those outlets of the year and I just get to get around bonfire have a beer and talk about being men and in a positive way.
And it is so important to me to have that opportunity with other men.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:22] Yeah. I think that, especially in today's world, even with social media, the connection is so important,
Nath Brye: [00:36:30] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:31] especially in person.
Nath Brye: [00:36:32] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:33] And which of course was made much harder by COVID.
Nath Brye: [00:36:37] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:37] I'm going gonna think Zoom that I can visit with people. Oh, and on the computer.
Nath Brye: [00:36:43] Yeah, fortunately New Zealand we only had five weeks of lockdown. So it wasn't too bad for us. It wasn't month after month after month..
Damaged Parents: [00:36:51] Yeah, which in the states it was very different. Okay. So three tips or tools that you would like readers to have or things that maybe helped you during your journey through mental health.
Nath Brye: [00:37:05] Stop and breathe is the first tip. Second tip would be ask for help. Not easy, especially when you're in that dark place to reach out to someone. In three, it does get easier.
Once you get the knowledge and the tools, it gets easier. It's not always going to be like this. I mean, yes, with mental health, it's a journey and it's always there. There's no cure for mental health.
It's always going to be there, but it gets easier because you learn how to deal with it.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:30] When you said that. I pictured standing at that wall with the train coming by in the tunnel, staring at the wall and slowly turning toward the light and it becoming a pinprick at first. And then just each step that the light getting brighter and brighter.
And before It you're out of the tunnel.
It's not that the tunnel doesn't exist or that there's not going to be another tunnel. It will happen and you'll have two new tools for the next one.
Nath Brye: [00:37:58] Getting those tools, recognizing the triggers, it's all very, very important. And also having a good support base. It's not easy for everyone because not everyone's in a position where they're surrounded by loving friends and family. Fortunately I was surrounded by some loving, a small circle that realized, okay.
I say no most invites when they ask me out, but they recognize that they still ask me, even though, then I'm going to say no, they still ask me. They're still trying to include me in, and once a while I'd love to come out so having that support network who realize that the connections are important, it's just brilliant.
I've been very fortunate and who I'm surrounding myself with.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:30] So I'm going to say that's a fourth tip. Make sure you're surrounding yourself with safe people.
Nath Brye: [00:38:35] Correct. And that is a very good tip because there may be people. in your life that you need to come out. It's, it's something that I do every few months. I go from my Facebook and Okay.
I go from a friends list than say, what value are they adding to me? Had they contacted me? Are they bringing me down in any way, shape or form?
I went from 400 friends two years ago to 160
Damaged Parents: [00:39:00] Okay.
Nath Brye: [00:39:01] just from doing culls because they just didn't match with where I was. And you've got to have the right people in your circle, in your life. If you've got people bringing you down or yeah. Sometimes you have to cull not easy, but refreshing at the same time. It's apparent.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:17] yeah. And what I heard from you there is making sure that your social media is safe for you as well.
Nath Brye: [00:39:22] Correct. And you know what, staying off social media. When you're in that dark place, there's also another good tip. I mean, a lot of us make decisions when we were emotionally charged and nine times at a 10 is a bad decision you make when you're emotionally charged. So that was one of the things I focused on was when I'm in that place of darkness, I never make a decision.
I've made a decision, obviously decide what you have for dinner. Fine. Decide you're going to quit a job. No, you wait until you're out of the dark place and even make decisions when you're charged.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:54] You know, I am so grateful to have gotten, to have a conversation with you a lot. I would say I've interviewed more women than men, and I've love the fact that you are you're lending a voice to men.
And I really hope that more men find the strength to say, Ooh, this is hard. I need help. And then to share their journey so that other men yet can say, yes, I've been there too. And yes, I want to get better
Nath Brye: [00:40:23] Yeah, I mean, this was, I said with like the television advertisement campaigns that New Zealand government pays for and stuff, it's a range of campaigns all from mental health issues and it's Okay.
to ask for help and then issues on family violence. We've got these big, massive guys who used to be violent fathers who are now saying, Hey guys, this is not right.
Ask for help across the whole spectrum. So we're very fortunate here
Damaged Parents: [00:40:45] Yeah, I think that's fantastic. And New Zealand, from what I understand is pretty small country. Right.
So,
Nath Brye: [00:40:53] We're only 5 million people,
Damaged Parents: [00:40:54] That's, you know, There's still a lot when I'm talking about one person, but you know, to have your voice really go around the world to help other men reach out and to say, you know what?
It's okay. This is normal. And I think that's fantastic. You're welcome. Thank you so much for coming on too. Relatively Damaged. I'm so glad I get to have you here today.
Nath Brye: [00:41:16] Thank you so much for letting me come on and have a chat about life's little hiccups.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:21] Oh, yeah, for sure. And if you guys haven't heard us say it, go out and get the book Slave Boy, there's a little bit of dark humor and you might learn a little bit more about Nath Brye there.
Nath Brye: [00:41:32] Definitely will.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:33] Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of relatively damaged by damaged parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Nath about how he was able to reach out and find tools to help with his mental health. We especially liked when he explained how he used a switchboard in his mind to turn on and off certain behavior to unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents.
We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
