Episode 65: Triumph Over Tragedy

Melissa Rohlfs

Melissa Rohlfs is a certified holistic health and life coach helping busy women break free from sugar and stress/emotional eating so they can be calm, confident and in control.  She is committed to empowering women to break free from dieting, emotional eating and self-image issues so they can ditch the diet mentality, and feel empowered in their own skin.

After her own tumultuous history with food {withholding and then later in life, bingeing}, she learned how to deal with the core issues around her broken relationship with food.  As a result, she felt called to go to school and learn to teach other women how to do the same. 

Social media and contact info.
www.free2bcoaching.com
www.facebook.com/MelissaRohlfsCoach
https://www.instagram.com/free2b_coaching/
Podcast ~ https://anchor.fm/melissa-rohlfs

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where isolated, confused, crumbled people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.

Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Melissa Rohlfs. She has many roles in her life. Mother parent. Daughter sibling. And more. We'll talk about how she had not realized how addicted to sugar she was when she found out, and then how she found health and healing. Let's talk

Welcome Melissa Rohlfs to Relatively Damaged by Damage Parents. She is a holistic coach and does life coaching with women with similar struggles to her  we're so glad you're here.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:02:11] Thank you Angela. I am so excited to be here and just to share with you and your audience, and I love what you're doing. So thank you.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:16] You're welcome. Yeah, this is that podcast guys. It's that time we're going to talk about yet another struggle and I bet. You're going to see yourself in it just like we do. Yeah, and we were kind of chuckling about that. So tell us a little bit about how you I'm thinking part of your journey is how you ended up in life coaching. So if you want to start with maybe what you do, specifically, and then dive right into your journey on how you got there, or if you want to end with it totally up to you, I'm open to whichever way you want to do it.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:02:50] Awesome. Thank you. I'll start off with what I do, and then I can share why I do what I do, and that might be easier. For me, at least in my brain. So I'm a holistic health and life coach and I help women break free from sugar and stress and emotional eating so that they can be calm, confident, and at peace because I am a recovering sugar addict and I very much used food and sugar to cope. I used it to stuff, my feelings, my emotions it was a legal drug. It is a legal drug. And so it was just something that I would be overwhelmed and exhausted, and I would find myself having no problem eating the package of Oreos in the pantry when my kids were napping. And I think for me, it I grew up with kind of that mindset and that belief that, you know, If you're not hungry and the curfew's there, just eat it.

That's okay. And I, looking back on my childhood, I remember being as young as eight and hiding food in my room. And I got told on, because we had little rodents come in and they pooped on the bed. And

Damaged Parents: [00:03:47] Oh no

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:03:48] They blew my cover that I was hoarding food in my room.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:51] I've got a question about that at eight years old, you're hiding food. I mean, So it sounds like maybe there wasn't a healthy idea behind what food was. I mean, and what were you feeling? What was going on inside that you thought you needed to hide it in the first place?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:04:07] It's funny because in the moment I didn't realize that's what I was doing. It wasn't until just even a few years ago that I was like, Oh my gosh, this started in my childhood. And I think what it was was my environment felt out of control. I felt out of control and it was something I could control.

And so it started off  hiding food in the room. And then by the time I was in high school, I'd gone the other way. And I was withholding food so that I could lose weight and get the attention of the boys and be that popular girl. And so I went and literally from end of the ditch, Angela to the other, and it didn't reconcile really until we had a newborn baby who wasn't sleeping.

And we had a two year old daughter who had undiagnosed food allergies and some sensory challenges. My husband was traveling for work. And I had just gotten diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma, which probably explains hiding the food in the room at eight. 

Damaged Parents: [00:05:04] So there were things happening at home in that were maybe probably I'm guessing stressing you out.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:05:12] Yup.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:12] And the only way to solve it was to feel better by food.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:05:15] Yeah. Yep. And my mom modeled that for me. I mean, my part of my story is my father was murdered when I was two. And so I look at my mom and being a single parent and dealing with that loss and grief, and I think her comfort was sugar. And so I think I learned that behavior because it was modeled.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:33] That makes sense to me. I mean, how could you not? That's what, you know, and think it's the way to go. Right? So there's this dynamic that happened at home around eight or at least when that's, when you remember was mom, did mom stay single or was there another dynamic another you had? That you're the only child at home, right?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:05:53] Well, this is what is interesting about all of it is that I was the only child and then my mom remarried and so had a stepdad and stepbrother into the mix. And it was right about that time. And I think I just wanted my mom to myself. I didn't want to share her.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:09] Right. You had her for so long. That's all you knew. Cause I'm thinking if that passed it too, then you didn't know any different. And now there's this person trying to be dad and you've got the dynamic of other people.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:06:21] yeah. And a stepbrother who is, you know, has his parents were divorced and they had custody. So he was sometimes with us, he sometimes wasn't, it was just not super consistent. And I value consistency. Maybe it's an adult thing that I really have a high value and consistency.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:37] Me too. Me too.

That would be really hard. So it makes sense. You're going to go to what makes you feel good? Right?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:06:46] And it was sugar.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:47] Oh, now I've been told that sugar is more addictive than cocaine.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:06:53] Correct.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:54] And so when you would eat it, what was, what would happen inside of you?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:06:59] Oh, I felt great. Like it was rushed and I felt amazing and I loved it. But then what I didn't realize, and I'm realized since going to school and getting trained in this is that our blood sugar spikes. And then it comes crashing down. And oftentimes because of our blood sugar, doing what it does when it comes crashing down, it's our body's way of saying I need energy.

I need substance. I need fuel. And a lot of times we're quick to grab sugar because it's quick, it's easily accessible. It's right there. But what accompanies that. Blood sugar rollercoaster are the moods, the energy. And so I was very up and down all over the place. I was anxious and I didn't know that sugar was the culprit

Damaged Parents: [00:07:43] Well, and how could you,

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:07:45] because it's legal.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:46] right. And it's in so many things for crying out loud. I could, I mean, when I look at the back of packages, Even, uh, I think, I was chuckling cause it's in some pork rinds and I'm like, wow, yeah, exactly. And it's really hard to get used to the taste of things without it. And what's amazing to me. I don't know if it happened to you. I would like to know vegetables got sweeter.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:08:12] Yeah, carrots are super sweet to me right now.

Damaged Parents: [00:08:16] Right. Oh, wow. Okay. So you get to high school, were you a little chubby at the beginning of high school thinking, Oh, I need to lose weight. What was going on?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:08:24] I think I was, I mean, looking at the time I thought I was, but looking back, I was normal average. I was heavier as a kid. And I think as I grew and developed and, got involved in sports, I think I just naturally  slimmed down on my own, but I was in that comparison game right. Of all the girls in high school.

And who's with who, and I think that. Was probably a driving factor for me. Feeling out of control constantly.

Damaged Parents: [00:08:50] Wow. Okay. So how was it? So there was this theme in high school of feeling out of control, or was it also still happening at home where you felt out of control? I mean, or do you even know.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:09:00] I think I just always feel out of control. I think I always felt out of control.

Damaged Parents: [00:09:03] Okay, so, okay. I'm going to ask a really interesting question. I don't know. How did you get comfortable with the lack of being out of control? Cause I'm thinking you probably had to, I don't know.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:09:15] it wasn't until after we had kids and I got the PTSD diagnosis and changed my diet and did a lot of inner work in coaching and counseling, but I was like, you know what? I never had control. It's an illusion. I think I was putting things in place to cope that made me feel like I had control.

Damaged Parents: [00:09:35] Okay. So you were setting up your environment

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:09:38] Yeah,

Damaged Parents: [00:09:38] to give you the illusion. What were some of those things you would do?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:09:42] I would, plan everything to a tee. I would be a perfectionist. Everything had to be in its place. Like I was very rigid, very legalistic, very regimented and not flexible. if it didn't go, according to my plan, I was mad.

Damaged Parents: [00:09:58] Okay, so there's, so anger's coming out

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:10:02] Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:10:04] Now. How did that look though? Were you, was it after his sugar crash that it got worse? Or how did you even come to realize that sugar was your problem?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:10:13] That's a good question. I think it was. It wasn't until recently. It's so funny because I didn't realize any of this in the moment, but it's not until like, I've come out of the experience that looking back, I'm like, Oh, that's what that was. But I think the anger, I think really kind of came to a head with the kids because you have no control when you've got a newborn that's not sleeping and a child with food allergies and a husband traveling, and it's all on you.

That was super hard. And that's also when the PTSD diagnosis came in and I went to a naturopath and she did vitamins and minerals and tested everything and nothing was good because I was living off of sugar. And so she supplemented and I was doing therapy at the time and those changes made a difference, but then it wasn't really, until I learned to change my mindset and my thoughts and my beliefs around.

My life, my time being in control that I think that's where the freedom really came in.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:09] What's your belief now about control?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:11:11] I don't have control. I don't. And I feel like if anything COVID really taught me that I am flexible, but I can pivot and it's okay. Like you, you have to be malleable and pliable or you're going to live continually stuck and frustrated.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:28] Right? So it sounds like in the moment where you would have been rigid and maybe it also has to do with that pivot. So you're able to pivot, whereas before you would be rigid, how, what was it like getting used to that pivot?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:11:44] You know, it's interesting because I'm thinking, when you said rigid, what came up was. Having a newborn and like trying to be on that schedule religiously. And I think that just made me angry because I felt like I had no freedom cause I was on this newborn colicky baby schedule. And I feel like that rigidity made me angry.

It made me resentful. It didn't, it wasn't pretty especially for being a person of faith. It was really not who I wanted to be. But I think for me being able to pivot has really helped me to enjoy life more. It's helped me to go with the flow and really have more of an enjoyment and appreciation for the moment instead of thinking of, okay, what's next and focusing on controlling that instead of being present.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:27] Okay. So can you give us an example of maybe two separate incidences, one. Wherein that rigidity shows up beyond the, having the newborn baby, maybe something a little more simple or I don't know if that's the right word, but something I could relate to in my day, maybe. A schedule change. I don't know something.

And then of how you would handle it in the control sense. And then give us an example of how you would handle it now, comparatively, do you see what I'm saying?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:13:00] Yeah, I totally see what you're saying. And I'll just share the first thing that came up was I used to like, have such control over my calendar. I had everything scheduled. I would color code. Like I had it all laid out and if somebody had to cancel or reschedule, it made me really mad because it messed up my whole day. Now I'm like, okay, you know what life happens. They had to cancel. This is an opportunity for me to use that time, doing something else. I just think my mindset around it is so different. So instead of being stuck in anger and they ruined my day, which is really stupid, it's like, okay, you know what? This is an opportunity.

This is an opening. Maybe there's something else I need to be spending my time on.

Damaged Parents: [00:13:37] It's really interesting. Maybe there's something else I need to be spending my time on is what I heard at the very end with, instead of, and the other thing that came up for me when you were describing that, it sounds like to me, you went from having your calendar in pen to having it in pencil

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:13:53] Yeah, or not even really have any calendar

Damaged Parents: [00:13:59] Oh my gosh. How do you do that? Okay. She's got her phone guys. The real about it Well, I think there might be also a little bit of freedom in not having the watch because all these smartwatches tie you to your phone.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:14:19] Yep

Damaged Parents: [00:14:20] And okay. So tardiness, what happens with tardiness? What happens, when you shift from being connected, living to that clock to really working hard at, well, maybe just working hard at just being free and letting that go.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:14:37] There's an ease and a flow and a grace that wasn't there before.

Damaged Parents: [00:14:41] So with the grace, it sounds like you not only have grace with yourself, but maybe it's also easier to give it to other people.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:14:50] 100%.

Damaged Parents: [00:14:51] And when you're thinking about that, grace, and what happens and someone cancels or whatever, it sounds like when you were describing earlier that. It doesn't matter if  what they could have been doing. Huh. So how does I still don't know that we've totally articulated how to get to that point besides a lot of work.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:15:16] And that's the answer.

Damaged Parents: [00:15:18] Okay. So.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:15:19] I think there's another factor with that. Besides a lot of work, I think you need to have a really compelling why, because a lot of women come to me and they're like, I want to lose weight and that's, great. That's fine. I can help you with that. But if you don't have a powerful why it's not, and it's not as meaningful to you, you're not likely to do the things that maybe you don't want to do or feel like doing to get the desired result. So for me, my change with food and sugar was never about weight loss. That was a phenomenal byproduct, but it was more about becoming the mom and wife that my family needed me to be, because I didn't like who I was and how I was showing up.

Damaged Parents: [00:15:57] Have you ever had someone come to you that, their goal is the weight, but they find out maybe there's a medical reason that they can't lose the weight. And if so, how would you have handled that? Or if not, how would you, do you think you would approach a situation like that?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:16:12] I haven't had that happen. I think weight loss is really complex because it's not just food and exercise. Like we've been led to believe there's a lot of other factors like sleep and stress and hormones and food intolerances. So what I really do is I help women learn to connect to their bodies and understand what their body's saying because our bodies are always talking to us.

We just haven't been taught how to listen. So really helping women understand how to listen to their bodies and what's going on. If they were in that place and they weren't seeing the results, I would definitely find another person in another scope of practice that can come alongside and help them kind of figure out maybe what the problem is.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:52] Right, right. So like you said, you just figured out this sugar thing and the emotional eating, so, and you're apart from that now. And. You realize the roller coasters by looking back, what was it like to lose that emotional crutch though?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:17:12] It was interesting. I remember very clearly. One day I was stressed and I had made brownies and I'm like, I'm getting a brownie and it's going to make me feel better. And so Angela ate the brownie and I didn't feel anything. And I'm like, this didn't work. I need to have another one. So I, and another brownie.

And I'm like this isn't working. I don't know what to do my crutch is gone. So it was alarming because something, I had always known all of a sudden didn't work, but at the same time it was like, okay, like, this is really good because I don't need this. And so I think when we lose something or take something away if it creates a void.

And in order to have that void, it's helpful to fill it with something that's in line with our goals or that's not destructive and helpful to us. And so for me, filling that void with other things was really a game changer, but I had to figure out what those things were.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:07] Yeah. So how do you do that?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:18:09] Well, I think I have a nourishment menu that I help women really like figure out. Okay. what do you need in that moment when you're looking for the brownie? What experience are you looking for? What feeling are you looking for? What's going on beneath the surface and what do you need? And we don't really take the time to ask ourselves that we just default to the brownies like I did, because that's how I grew up.

So I think if we can step back and ask ourselves, what do I really need in this moment? That's powerful.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:37] Yeah, and I think it's really hard. And I would have to have a good understanding of my emotions too. So how do you help. People figure that out. Do they have like a list of emotions? I mean, and sometimes I don't even know my emotion before I fake, but I know what I need.

So how do you help people get there? Do you see where I'm going with that?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:19:01] Yeah, it's asking questions. It's asking a lot of questions to help people figure out what's going on inside of them. So a great example. I had a client who kept eating  cheese and crackers. She hated cheese and crackers. And so we dug a little deeper and she went towards cheese and crackers because when she was a child, they would always get together as a family with neighbors and relatives and have fun and happy peaceful times.

And they would have cheese and crackers. So through asking her questions when she was feeling stressed and meaning that time of peace and happiness that cheese and crackers signified, that's what she went towards. So it's really asking questions and helping people figure out what's inside of them because we have everything we need inside of us.

We just don't know how to access it or tap into it. And so having someone come along and ask, you can really be powerful and helpful.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:50] It's really sounds like it. It just reminds me, I think it was Esther Perel are you aware of her work? So I know she wrote a book. She's really in sex and intimacy is in her title somewhere.

And, and yet at the same time, she talks about being curious about who we are and that we know who we are on an island in relation to that island take us off the island and put us in a group maybe. And then I've got to figure out who I am with this person and who I am with this person and who I'm with that person. And it sounds like that's something you're helping people figure out in relation to food. Who am I in relation to food?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:20:33] Yeah, and I love the word curious. Cause I think the biggest thing that coaching has done for me is it's really helped me to replace judgment with curiosity, because I think we're so quick to judge ourselves and label ourselves, and maybe, you know, we eat too many brownies and then we do the shame spiral.

But if we can stop that and really get curious and replace that judgment with curiosity, it's a game changer and every area of life, every area I wish I had known it as a child.

Damaged Parents: [00:21:01] Okay. So explain to us what a shame cycle is and what that looks like.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:21:06] Well, I think for me and the work that I do it is when you maybe eat something that has been labeled bad because we judge our foods as good or bad or healthy or unhealthy, we don't really view it in terms of what am I looking for in this moment? So if we eat something that we deem as bad, And we eat too much of it.

Then we have the mentality of, Oh, this is bad for me. I shouldn't have done that. And we feel the guilt and the shame and the condemnation, and that start kind of starts the downward spiral of, okay, I'm my clothes don't fit. I'm never going to be a certain way. I'm always going to be like this. And we get so worked up that we just eat the whole pan of brownies because we think that it's going to make us feel better.

Damaged Parents: [00:21:48] Sounds like by trying to get to where we might feel better. Instead, if we go down that shame cycle, you were just talking about that, then all of a sudden we're making ourselves this horrible person. And it was just a bad choice in the moment.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:22:05] And I think it's based in all or nothing thinking.

Damaged Parents: [00:22:09] Explain that.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:22:10] I think it's, you know, It's interesting because it's actually a form of self-sabotage. So all or nothing thinking is very much where I came from. It's very black or white it's this way or that way. If I'm going to have one brownie, I might as well eat the whole pan because they're bad for me. I'm just going to eat 'em all.

Instead of, you know what, I feel like I could use a sweet I'm going to have a brownie and that's okay. Like it's the all or nothing. And it kind of feeds into sabotage because one of the sabotage mindsets, I guess is I've been good. I deserve a little extra. So then, because we think we've been good and we've had this all good, then we can go over here and then it kind of, you know

Damaged Parents: [00:22:52] Yeah, That makes a lot of sense to me that, and then all of a sudden, you're back down at the bottom of the pit, if you will, again, so, okay. I have to ask, it sounds like you don't avoid sugar altogether when you eat it, because we talked about the addictive properties of sugar after you eat it. Are their cravings? What do they feel like? Do you have to like fast from sugar again? What happens by getting rid of it and trying to go down this new road?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:23:21] I don't think I've gotten rid of it. Cause I do. I don't want to do the all or nothing. Cause I believe when we withhold and we withhold, we withhold, then eventually we go over and we'd binge. At least that's what my personality has indicated. So I have some every day just in moderation when I'm like, okay, I would like something sweet.

And so I have some chocolate chips but I'm not eating the whole bag of chocolate chips. Like I would have a few years ago. So it's, you know, having some, enjoying it and not having this grip on me, that it used to where, Oh my gosh, I have to have my fix.

Damaged Parents: [00:23:52] Right. Which makes sense, because you get a high from the sugar and the carbs and, okay. I'm also wondering what would you do if you started noticing that you're feeling that way. And then, because I'm thinking it's going to happen to some people at some point, right. Something gets triggered all of a sudden, eating carbs and sugar and things like that.

How do you get back on track?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:24:18] I don't feel like there's a track to be on. Cause I feel like the best track is the one that works for you and your unique body types. So I feel like we, we have this idea of, Oh, I fell off the wagon. Well who's wagon. Where are you on? One size doesn't fit all. And what works for you is not going to work for me because we're different.

So I think the key is to really figure out what works best for you and understand why we do certain things. So, for example, I think when COVID hit, a lot of people were stress eating and they were doing it because they were stressed. They felt out of control, they felt overwhelmed. So I think the key is to identify why we're doing something.

And if it's that feeling of stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, whatever that is, let's figure out what that feeling is. Let's name it instead of stuffing it and come up with a plan that when we feel that way, this is what we're going to do instead of going to the sugar.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:09] Okay. So instead of going into the sugar, being curious, And although you might reach for it still, you know, coming back to what's my purpose in reaching for the sugar.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:25:21] Yep. And there've been plenty of times this year where I've done that. I've gone to reach for the chocolate chips and I'm like, I'm not hungry. Why am I doing this? Well, I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. Okay. So is this going to make me. Feel any differently? No. Okay. Well then find something to do with the feeling instead of stuffing it.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:40] Yeah. So it almost sounds like an emotional dependency, which I think, excuse me, which I think is that in addiction like that. People be can become dependent on, on drugs and they can become addicted to drugs. So it really comes up to the emotion.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:25:58] Yeah. Do you think that sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine? Makes sense.

Damaged Parents: [00:26:02] Yeah. Okay.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:26:05] And again, it's legal and it's and everything. Just to remind, remember.

Damaged Parents: [00:26:08] Yeah, it's not easy. Right? We get ourselves in trouble all the time. And, and I think, you know, maybe it might help to have the perception that there's an ebb and flow to life to. Maybe some of those hard times are necessary. What are your thoughts?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:26:25] Yeah, absolutely. I listened to a podcast by another life coach and she always talks about the human experience. And I love that because I think we are all living the human experience and it has its feelings and it has its emotions. And I have a friend from college who's on hospice and about to pass away.

And I was thinking about that this morning, like just how you know, this is somebody's birthday and somebody celebrating this new life and we can celebrate with them, but we can also be sad at the same time because I have a friend who's about to pass. Like I think it's this myriad of emotions and feelings and we.

So many times have this one or the other instead of a both and perception. And so I think if we can just experience being a human and the feelings that come with it and not act on a feelings or let them drive us, I think that's powerful because sometimes we just need to feel.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:17] I heard you say both. And can you explain that?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:27:20] Yeah, I love both. And, and I think that's part of my journey is that I went from either or to both. And like, I think so many times people are like, Oh, well I can't lose weight and eat something sweet. You can. You absolutely can. I think it's both. And, and I think that's what life is. Like, you have the really good things and you have the really hard things and they might happen on the same day.

So you might have a day that you have both and. And it doesn't make the day good or bad or terrible. It just makes it a day where you experienced both emotions at the same time.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:53] Yeah. Yeah. So I've got to know, did you shift in your language also from either or, or, but to, to, and, and if you did, how did you do that?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:28:06] I haven't, it's funny because now my children are quoting me. They're like, you're using absolutes. You, we don't say always. We don't say never. We don't say all the time. And I'm like, Oh no,

Damaged Parents: [00:28:16] That sounds like trouble.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:28:18] Uh huh. It is. It's really interesting, but yeah, I think, you know, I think as we grow and we change, I think, you know, the thoughts become the beliefs and the beliefs become the actions. And I think part of the thoughts changing and the beliefs changing is the actions and the words changing. So I think as I've just changed, it's just kind of been a progression and I, I catch myself.

It's not an always, you know, there you go. It's not. All of the time, but I think my language has changed over time and I find myself being more curious than judgmental for sure.

Damaged Parents: [00:28:47] Now you just laid out a little bit of a, of a step stepping thing. First, your thoughts had to change then, excuse me, actions needed to change or beliefs needed to change and then actions needed to change. So that. Excuse me. That makes me think that it's not a short-term process. I can't just decide, Oh, I'm going to do this today and it's going to work.

How do you get there?

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:29:16] You do the work.

Damaged Parents: [00:29:17] Right. But like not, but I got it. I got myself guys. Okay. So you're doing the work. And I think maybe part of what you're saying is when you're doing the work is it's going to be uncomfortable and it's going to be practice. And maybe you tell me, maybe we're practicing for the rest of our lives.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:29:38] For sure, for sure. And I think we get to this place where we may be reevaluate and we're like, wow. That's really interesting. I'm not where I was three months ago, not where I was six months ago. I'm not where I was a year ago, but I think it's, I think if you do something often enough and you can change your habits by changing your thoughts and your beliefs, and really kind of what pleasure is linked to cause that kind of drives habit loops in the brain.

Anyway, you can off I think that's where the lasting change happens. It's not the quick fix. It's not behavior modification. It's really changing your habits. And that comes by letting your brain like rewire in neuroplasticity and where the mind goes. The man follows. So where our minds focused and where are they taking us?

Damaged Parents: [00:30:28] Yeah, that just, if this continues to come up for me, it's the, am I going to look at the rock when I'm whitewater rafting? Or am I going to look at the river? Because if, if I want to hit the rock, then I'm, I better look at the rock, but if I want to go down and or if I want to go down the river, I'm going to look to where I want to go.

And that doesn't mean I'm not going to glance over and be like, okay, the rock is there. So it sounds like a lot of refocusing refocusing and that takes time. So I don't get to call you up and say, Melissa, I've got this problem and expect it to be a one-time fix.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:31:09] It can be sometimes there are. Pivots that can be made. But if it's something deeper, if it's emotional eating, if it's stress eating, usually it, it takes a little bit more than a one-time

Damaged Parents: [00:31:24] Because of those habits and the time it takes, I'm assuming to create new habits. Okay. Three tips or tools that can be things we've already talked about or whatever you want those listeners to walk away with, but it's gotta be tips or tools, something that they could implement. If they're struggling with emotional eating. Yeah. With emotional eating or sugar.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:31:47] I think the first thing, and this is really easy and practical. Is drink enough water. I think a lot of times we think that we're hungry or we have a craving and actually we're dehydrated. So drink some water, sit for a few minutes and see if the craving subsides. I think that's a really practical thing.

I think the other two are a little bit more take, they take a little bit more work, but I think if we can replace the judgment with curiosity. That's really powerful. So if you find yourself doing something or having done something that maybe you didn't want to do, maybe it's not in alignment with where you want to go.

It's the rock instead of the river. Ask yourself why what's behind that. And don't judge it, just ask. Cause I think once we start to ask the questions, we're more open to asking questions about other areas of our life. And I think the other one is. Listen to yourself and your body, your body knows what it needs. So if we can learn how to listen to our bodies and if you are hungry eat, I think a lot of times we withhold or we, you know, hold off on. I'm going to wait until noon to eat lunch, even though it's 10 30 and we're hungry. Well eat. If your body needs nourishment, it's going to tell you, just listen to it.

Okay.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:00] So, I mean, I'm really getting this whole idea no matter, I mean, the biggest message I'm getting from you is stay curious, stay curious, and be gentle.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:33:10] and that,

and it works so well in parenting. Like I have to tell you it's changed. Like it has changed everything for me, not only my relationship with food, but my relationship with my kids, my husband, social media, like if you will come from a place of curiosity instead of judgment, that's powerful.

That's really powerful.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:29] Okay. I've got to ask, how did that show up for you in social media? I was wrapping up, but you know,

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:33:34] Well, I think it's, you can ask questions and be curious and really try to understand where someone's coming from. That's going to be helpful because I think a lot of times what happens on social media is we feel like we either agree with someone and we love the comment or we disagree and we feel the need to say something or we scroll on.

So if we can maybe get curious, and if we see another perspective that maybe isn't our perspective, just ask someone. Well, I would love to know why, why do you think that way? How did you come to that conclusion and really just try to figure out where they're coming from.

Damaged Parents: [00:34:06] I really, really loved that idea of asking questions in social media, because I agree, I haven't seen engagement and I think it's because it's hard to ask those questions and it's hard to be gentle in your right. Like how many people just scroll by because. Gosh. Wow. Okay. So I'm just seeing the absolutes, you know, like how could social media shift though, and maybe does it need to be us who shifts for that social media to shift? What do you think.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:34:40] I think it can be. I mean, and I haven't said this in a video yesterday, we don't have to agree. Like we need each other, like, cause I, I will just. In disclosure, I posted something about crispy cream giving away the donuts for the vaccines. And I just asked the question, how do you think this relates to health?

And I had all sorts of comments and some agreed, some didn't and that's okay. And I made a video later and I said, you know what? We don't have to agree, but we need each other because someone brought in the business perspective of this is a business for them. And I'm like, that's great. I didn't even think of that.

I'm thinking sugar. So if we can somehow work within. Your beliefs and my beliefs and come to this place of having a conversation around it, whether or not we agree, that's really powerful. And I think it comes from being curious and not judging and labeling just because someone doesn't think like me do.

Damaged Parents: [00:35:30] Yeah. So how do you create that environment? Do you think? Have to be the, the leader to start it. And then, and then it's kind of hidden in a group on Facebook that is probably private. So how,

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:35:43] Or on your page. That's what I did.

Damaged Parents: [00:35:46] yeah, I love that. I love that. I think that, gosh, that just really you know, I, yeah, I just love that. So thank you. And I really hope that that's one of the messages that the people really take on is being curious about other's posts and a different perspective. I mean, for me, it's definitely something maybe I'll make a goal of, of asking a question on someone else's post, you know, maybe for right now once a week.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:36:16] I think you can frame it in a way and say, I'm curious why you think that way. I'd love to hear your experience. So you don't sound like, because I think part of it is verbiage and how we position things. Right. But I think, you know, if we come from it from a place of compassion and curiosity, That's going to go further than judgment. And there've been several times over the last year with everything going on, where I've reached out to people. And I've said, I know you have a different perspective than I do. Can we talk? And I can understand how you got to where you are and why you feel that way. I don't want to change your mind. I just want to understand.

Damaged Parents: [00:36:50] Yeah, because if you came at me with how I'm wrong or how I did all this stuff, I'm not going, or my belief is wrong. How, how would you expect me that to then engage with you if

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:37:06] going to shut down.

Damaged Parents: [00:37:07] Yeah. If I'm already feeling judged, that actually doesn't make sense, but it's what we do.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:37:13] I think judgment makes us feel safe.

Damaged Parents: [00:37:15] Yeah. I could see that. Well, if I'm right. And yet it's not safe because it's not safe for the other person. And if it's not safe for the other person, then chances are that safety is not going to come back to me. Right.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:37:28] Interesting.

Damaged Parents: [00:37:29] I love it. I love it. I'm so glad I got to have you on the show today, Melissa.

Melissa  Rohlfs: [00:37:34] Well, thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here and yeah, it was a great conversation.

Damaged Parents: [00:37:38] Yeah. Awesome. Definitely.

Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Melissa about how she was able to break free from sugar and emotional eating. We especially liked when she taught us, it is possible to heal a broken relationship with food. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on instagram look for damaged parents will be here next week still relatively damaged See you then.