Episode 78: Rainbow Babies

Kathy Sanderson

Kathy Sanderson hopes people who have experienced childhood abandonment from divorce, loss of family members, abuse or neglect and feel unloveable in their current relationships. They might think they're destined to be single or that the voice doesn't matter when it comes to speaking up for what they want. Kathy helps them heal their abandonment trauma and find loving relationships with themselves, their family, friends, and significant others. She hopes them stop being people pleasers and teaches them to step into an embodied lifestyle where they are loved and feel deserving of love.

Social media and contact information:

https://www.facebook.com/kathylsanderson
https://www.facebook.com/groups/innerchildhealingfromwithin
www.instagram.com/healingfromwithinuk
Info@healingfromwithin.co.uk

Podcast Transcript:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were devastated, shattered, warn people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage.

Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.

Those who stare directly into the face of adversity was unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.

Today's topic include sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Kathy Sanderson. She has many roles in her life, mother, daughter, inner child healer, and more. We'll talk about how she learned to heal her inner child. After having many devastating miscarriages and how she found health and healing let's talk.

 Okay, Kathy, welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We're so glad you're here today.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:02:02] Thank you. It's great to be here.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:05] Yeah. You came on to talk about a struggle and now you've processed through that and found courage and hope. Would you like to tell us a little bit about what's happened in your life so you can give us some of that courage and, teach us how you were brave.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:02:18] I would love to when, what year are we now? 2021 in 2000. And. 15 on my son's first birthday, I experienced my fourth loss of a baby. So in 2000 9 when I had my daughter, she was one of the twins. I, we didn't realize at the time, it didn't really kick in. We knew that we'd been for the scan and it said that there was a stock that hadn't developed.

But because it was all new to us and there was a little heart beans and everything. We just focused on that with the baby. So my daughter was a twin. That one didn't develop. Then we had a, I never realized until it happened that you could go for a scan and then not be a baby. So I was six weeks pregnant on my daughter's first birthday.

In 2010, we went through the scam just before Christmas and there was no baby,

Damaged Parents: [00:03:11] so you were. Designated as pregnant before the scan, then you go for the scan and there's nothing. There was nothing there at all.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:03:20] nothing. And they're like, Oh, you should. And I'm like, yeah, I've got my dates. I should have been for 12 weeks pregnant

Damaged Parents: [00:03:26] Right. What did that feel like in that moment?

Kathy Sanderson: [00:03:29] I couldn't believe it, you know, I've learned so much since, but I never knew that you'd be pregnant and not have a baby. I hadn't even twigged that my eldest daughter was a twin. And by that point, so I had no experience of pregnancy loss or anything. And they said, well, maybe you've got your dates from, you know, you know, deep down you haven't got your dates.

It was just before Christmas and they said, well, come back in two weeks time. Cause we'll see if the baby's there.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:56] They're questioning you on your dates. And then they're saying come back in two weeks and we'll see if the baby's there.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:04:01] Yeah.  we'll confirm, so the whole, one of my daughter's First Christmas really? That she could remember because she was only like month old when you had the Christmas. It was just sadness because I would always tell him it's cool to work with this baby or not being a baby. And we went back as a service research on.

Do you go find mum's net and all of those types of things. And some people have been, and there'd been a baby. No baby. And I learned all about Ms. Miscarriages and the body consuming, what was remaining of the baby. And I went in, there was no baby, and we had a D and C, then it's not medical management of miscarriage.

And I remember going home. And I just lay on the bed and I felt that bad, suck me up, suck me into that bed. And I just lay there. And I liked that blackness. I liked that emptiness, that nothingness, that the walls. And I could understand in that moment, how people would just get stuck in it, that it would be that comfort to them.

And. Nevermind what's going on around you. That's how you need it. But about an hour, two hours later, my husband came up, you know, is that, I'm so sorry for what's happened, you know, is, is really, really horrible. And we've lost that baby, but you still got a daughter, you know, she needs you. She's only 14 months.

No, she's only 13 months and you've got me. I need you. And I made that decision there that I was coming up from it. You know, I can see it myself. And if I didn't do this, obviously, but I was on my way back up to get back up.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:42] so it took a tremendous amount of energy to even get out of bed because it sounds like when you say clawing back up, I mean, to me it sounds like almost climbing out of a hole in the ground there's no ladder, there's no nothing. It's like, you're just trying to find something to grasp onto.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:05:59] It's like a pit. It was like, literally just sunk into this pit of blackness. I came out of it was just that when I said, Hey, we can just try again. So we tried again and I got pregnant for the summer. I'm really excited. And then I started to bleed and we were outside. This is like five, five and a half weeks.

And we were outside at market and I'm like, we need to go now. I went with my husband cause we used to go and be sick. He's nan. His nan was still alive. So went with my daughter my eldest we went and I remember losing the sack. I remember seeing the sack, pouring with blood, being in his nans and I'm like, Oh my God, what's going on?

So, because I'd had that pregnancy loss, I was under the early pregnancy unit clinic at my local hospital. So we went just to check that everything was gone, because you know, just because you bleed, you don't. Necessarily not be pregnant. So they checks and they're like, no, it's all. Okay. So, you know, you have lost the baby.

I'm sorry. There's nothing there did blood tests went home. Jesus Christ. How does this happen again, you know, everyone talks about rainbow babies. It's all going to be okay. You know,

Damaged Parents: [00:07:12] So were you at any point beating yourself up thinking you did something wrong?

Kathy Sanderson: [00:07:17] Not at that point. No.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:19] Okay. Okay. I guess my thought would for maybe just for me, is that I might be thinking I did it, or I did something. The fact of the matter may not be that's true.

True.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:07:29] Well, I'm a type one diabetic, so I have really good care when I'm pregnant. So I'd already been to my day appointments at five weeks where you literally, it takes a day. My little daughter had been with me and then I went home before I started to bleed and I had these tremendous pains. It was so bad.

There was that my mum, dad, and I remember going up to my brother's room. I'm just lying there. And I lay there for like four hours and my dad brought me pepto bismol I spoke to my nurse and she's like, no, this pain, isn't normal. This isn't what, this isn't normal pain.

Damaged Parents: [00:08:04] And this is before the market.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:08:06] Yeah, this is before the market.

So then it went away, then it sort of before any more about it. So when we came back from the hospital, after they, confirmed I've lost the baby. They called me up and they told me that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Well, what's that? Tell it to me now. Oh, and they explained that the baby was still growing. It's checked my  HGC levels.

Isn't it. They checked them and there was still a baby. What the hell? I'm still pregnant. I don't know. But the baby, you can't have the baby. The baby will kill you. You know? So. I had this it's name escapes me, but it's like a chemo medicine. And what it literally does is it it kills all cells. So it broke down the baby.

Damaged Parents: [00:08:48] Real quick, the ectopic pregnancy. That's when they're in the fallopian tube. Right.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:08:53] I don't know if it is in the fallopian tube. It was somewhere between

Damaged Parents: [00:08:58] So, so somewhere where it wasn't supposed to be between the ovary and the uterus.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:09:03] Yeah.

So the pregnancy hadn't established itself in the womb where it should, present it must've been fallopian tubes. I remember something like that, but because I was blessed and I had that bleed, it didn't get to like 11, 12 weeks and it was a danger and I lost my fallopian tube and I had to have an operation that just gave me the.

It may come to me that gave me that injection and I just have to monitor my levels. And for awhile it wasn't working. And then it goes from desperately wanting a baby to having to kill your baby a perfectly healthy baby that wanted to live. That was clinging to life. That was hard too, really hard. So then we.

Try it again. And we got pregnant with my daughter, the second daughter, and I knew that everything was going to be okay with her because she came to me. She was five and a half weeks and she told me what her name was going to be. And it was such an unusual name, you know, it was, it wasn't something I'd heard of.

And my Nana always loved Elizabeth Arden red door Patheon so what I saw was this bottle of Elizabeth Arden red door perfume, but the only thing that was flashing at me was Arden. And then Rose. So, Arden then Rose now, is that your name? So I immediately knew she was the girl. I immediately knew that she must survive because why would she go to all this trouble of telling me her name and about 11, 10 weeks, she took me into her womb while I was asleep.

And it was the most amazing. Into my womb with her. So had this most amazing experience. And I can understand, I still want to go in a flotation tank to see if it is that there was just, there was nothing of, it was just peace, all love, all peace. And how blessed am I? That I was able to give that to my little one, because I know that sometimes that is what babies experience in the womb.

So we've had a few problems with her, my lovely one. And then we had quite a few problems when she was born because she was misdiagnosis, tongue tie. She had. Severe dairy and egg caffeine and soy intolerances. So she wasn't a very happy baby. And then she was because of all of those allergies, she was deaf.

We didn't know that. So I had the choice of, I was really concerned at this point, cause a lot, most of it happened, so she had to fight for half. Hearing AIDS or grommets. And then I had to decide whether I was going to let happen operation, but she had the Gromit since she can hear. So I had no idea that she couldn't hear.

And so she kept complaining of ear. Right. So

Damaged Parents: [00:11:44] how well, what, so how was she com so wait, your oldest daughter was complaining of earaches or your younger daughter,

Kathy Sanderson: [00:11:50] My oldest daughter did. Yeah, but she, that's why we were under the hospital already. But Arden because of her severe intolerance is real and vegan has, I was already vegetarian. So yeah, and then she, age three, I think it was, had the garments. And immediately when she came out, she could hear, we had no idea.

So she's a very special one. And then straight after Arden. Cause there's only seventeen eighteen months between them. I got pregnant again with her brother.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:20] Oh, wow.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:12:21] So when we got pregnant again, I thought that it was all over the, you know, I was okay that we weren't going to have that trouble again. So to lose that baby on my son's first birthday was real shock.

I remember just getting to the toilet and seeing, Oh, no pregnant again. Right. What I'm thinking about. It just got pregnant. And that baby, we went to scan baby was growing great and scan again at 10 weeks, baby died and had to go and have medical management of miscarriage, because I know there are these strong people who can go through it.

Yeah, I didn't want to go through it. This pain that I have to go through. Like I said, I'm a type one diabetic, so I have to inject myself, all of those sorts of things. They have to go through pain. I'll choose not to that's. My children were at school, so I didn't want to suddenly have all of those pains when I was taking them to school or bringing them home.

So made a medical management miscarriage. Right? If the three months got pregnant again, really excited. So it's all going to be lost the baby six weeks. And this was the pattern that continued for four years. In four years, I lost 12 babies. Sometimes we got to 10 weeks scan to find out they were dead, sometimes the last minute, six weeks,

Damaged Parents: [00:13:36] Now every time was it like a new injury?

Kathy Sanderson: [00:13:39] I think I was numb by that time.

People would say, can you not just be happy with your three? But I had those babies talking to me. I had people telling me that I was having twins. I had people telling me there's one baby. I can see them. So mediums were telling me that they still coming mediums with my friends would see them sitting there, but daughter would see them.

So it was like I had this drive, this need to bring these babies in these babies were going to be really special and they had names. They were Patrick and they were Hope.

And I just kept putting myself free that

Damaged Parents: [00:14:14] So the pain, because you knew the, you knew Patrick and Hope were coming, that it didn't, it sounds like it almost didn't matter at some point in your mind that these miscarriages were happening because you knew at the end of the day that this was going to happen. You just didn't know how

well, I mean, okay.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:14:35] because everybody, I never went to one person and they never said that the baby wasn't coming. So I just kept putting myself through it all the time and numb to it had to prove to myself, had to prove to everybody that I could carry in at the baby. And it became this obsession and the, what happened was of course my children were growing up.

My little boy has only known from when he could remember a mummy who was sad. a mummy who every time she was pregnant, got really quite ill. A mummy who spend a lot of time, not thinking about stuff, feeling that she didn't want to do these things. So I never thought about those things at all.

And then of course my dad died in the middle of that in 2016. So my. Little Arden and was very, very close to him. So she had to deal with all of that death and I had to deal with all of that death, but I didn't allow myself to cry. So I had all of that stuff and that's my child. My child had issues because my dad didn't like me crying.

He'd say, no, no, don't cry. Don't cry. Don't upset me. Don't cry. So we went on and on and. it didn't matter, what people said, I had the tests. So tests the babies, they had, trisomy 13, which is a

It's 26. It's either AdWords or another one,

Damaged Parents: [00:15:54] Okay.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:15:55] but you know, like a chromosomal issue, the ones that they tested.

That's still, I still can't go in because these babies we've been chatting to me and told to me, and they were all, you know, and then the last one baby, we went for the scan we'd been for the five week scan we've been for the seven week scan. Everything was fine. Went for the nine week scan. I think it was baby died at eight weeks.

So my husband's actually. Howled the thing is it was that moment that I realized that oh my God, it's not just me.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:27] okay.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:16:28] just me. I'm hurting everyone else. I can't do this anymore. Send me one day anymore. Stop. I can't do that. You know, I'm not going to do this. I got pregnant again.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:39] Wait, so you've had to have courage this whole time to keep moving forward. And it's like, you had to keep looking to, to hope if you will, to be able to keep moving forward after the dark pit. And then finally you're like, okay, I'm done and you get pregnant again. And you're not trying, you're

Kathy Sanderson: [00:16:57] That

was real shocked and like serious. I mean, I know exactly when I'm pregnant. I didn't tell anyone. didn't tell anyone told my cousin. She came with me for the scan and the baby died again, eight weeks. And no one knew because my mum always said, Oh, I always know when you're pregnant didn't tell her. I didn't even tell my husband because I didn't want to put him through it.

Damaged Parents: [00:17:18] So now it's like you were alone. That must have been really hard.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:17:22] It's like another way of punishing yourself, I guess wasn't it. So talking to my cousin about it, but then I have to do the medical management miscarriage. I had to tell my husband and he just brought up being depressed. It was a bit of a shock. And, you know, when you get pregnant, when it's not intentional, when you've decided that you're going to stop, you think that that's going to be the baby. And even though, you know, even though you've got this dread, every time you go to the toilet, every time you get a little crumb and you know, sometimes the babies were dying.

I wouldn't even know it didn't get blood. It just be there. But it takes over everything. It was all, it was, it was all, I introduced myself as I tried to be a breastfeeding counselor because the troubles I had with my two daughters, with the MCT and I quantified just after my son was born, that couldn't be around these ladies who were pregnant because every time I saw a lady who was pregnant, so I, I shouldn't be that I've weeks pregnant.

I should be that my baby should have been due there. And it hurt me and I just couldn't be around. So I had to stop doing that. And obviously they weren't going to make me so that was something that I studied for five years. I have a higher national diploma in breastfeeding counseling, but it's not something I can use, but, you know, help me with my children.

And I have to then make that decision. So the last baby was February  so it was April. We lost it. I made that decision in May that I wasn't doing it anymore. The amount people that told me they were so relieved, the amount of people that, you know, even the friends in Australia and all of that, they're like, Oh thank God now you can start living again.

You know, now you can be happy because I was told I put a post on recently and one of my friends, we haven't seen each other for a year cause of lockdown and she's very vulnerable. And she was like, I experienced all that sadness with you. you know you were just so sad and so focused. And I feel guilty that I put my children through that. I feel guilty that I put my husband through that. I mean, how fortunate are we that after 15 losses, we're still together.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:38] Yeah.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:19:39] us stronger because I know people who have had one miscarriage and they've split up they've had children before and it's still split up because they couldn't, they both had their own hurts and they couldn't deal with each other's hurt.

They couldn't support each other. And I'm so blessed that we're together and we're stronger through this, because so easily, it could have gone the other way. And I just had to make that decision and. What helped me to do that was in a child work. I'm an inner child healer because of the power of it and realizing that I didn't have to keep proving myself, you know, did all of this happen if you believe in the law of attraction and the universal laws did this all happen?

Because deep, deep down, I believe in broken that there is something inherently wrong with me. So I worked on all of that and I healed all the parts of my little Kathy so that I know that I'm not broken, that I am a good person, that I do deserve happiness because everything else in my life was going great.

And all I could focus on was that one thing that wasn't.

Damaged Parents: [00:20:49] Right.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:20:50] what happens when you've got negative childhood experiences is you can't see what's around you. And all you do is focus on that, those things that show you that you're not worthy.

Damaged Parents: [00:21:01] Okay. You said something really interesting, right there is that you, that, people can focus on the things that show them they're not worthy. And I also heard you say you had to do a lot of inner child work. So how do you get from focusing on the things that say you're not worthy to the things that say you are worthy and how much work does that take?

Kathy Sanderson: [00:21:23] That's the thing, isn't it? How long is the piece of string? It depends how much you wanted to change. I had a client today and we've been working together for a while and I was like, you have all of the tools inside you, you have all of the knowledge, it's up to you now to decide whether you still want to be the person who came to me wanting to change, or you want to be the person who puts those in place and changes.

Some people get stuck in the uncomfortable comfort zone because when they were growing up, that's how they were used to feeling.

Damaged Parents: [00:22:00] Uncomfortable comfort zone. Explain what you mean by that. I think I know, but I'm not totally certain.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:22:07] when I, when I explain it, that makes sense. So, As a child up until the age of seven or eight, you're in a kind of theater state, which means you're in a kind of hypnosis state. So, you know, when you go to the hypnotist and you're very, very suggestible to what they're saying. So you are very suggestible as a child.

So everything you experienced as a child is like your Bible. It's like  your rule book. It's what you, how you believe life should be. So, if you grew up in a house where there was a lot of drama, there was, you would never felt safe. You were always on eggshells, walking, looking around, waiting for the next thing to happen.

Never sure. How your mom or your dad would react to you then your body's used to surviving on that adrenaline. On that anxiety. So that is your uncomfortable comfort zone. Although it doesn't feel very nice. That's how your body is used to feeling.

Damaged Parents: [00:23:07] So it's what, you know, in a

Kathy Sanderson: [00:23:09] It's what, you know. Yeah. It's how you believe that life should be.

So if you grow up watching your mom being abused and hurt by men, even though it's really, really horrible and you promise yourself it will never, ever happen. Because that script, that Bible says, that's how relationships are more often than not. That's the type of relationship that you will have because that's your programming.

So where are we stopped to say, we want to change this. We start to pull away from that uncomfortable comfort zone, but that's when your body goes, hang on. This isn't normal.

Damaged Parents: [00:23:46] Yeah, it's kind of sounds like it would be kind of scary because you're leaving what you know, for something you don't know.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:23:52] That's it. Yeah. And your body then starts to not like how it's feeling. So that's how we self-sabotage. We create situations that mean that we get back to feeling the way we have done as a child, and it can manifest in so many ways you might have a wonderful partner, but you've got a horrid boss. What to look for, or you've got really good friends, but awful partner, but they'll always be some part of your life.

If not all of it, that's constantly reminding you of who your childhood script things you are or what life is. So when you say, how quickly can you heal? It depends on so many things. But what I do is I, I'm obviously intuitive. You know, I'm obviously work with energy. I'm an energy healer. And well I have is I'm blessed with the fact that I can tune into people's energy and I'm shown what happens at a certain age.

That's created this belief. I'm shown what they're ready to heal. So somebody comes to me, and perhaps they've got anxiety, perhaps they haven't been able to leave the house, you know, the five years apart from the fact that going for doctor's appointments, they come to me and I can see what's happened to them as a child and using inner child work.

I give them what they needed, because that's the difference. You can have children who grow up in the same household. But they won't affect you differently. And that's a variety of things. That's, who's around them. That's their genetic makeup. That's their past life experience. You believe all of that type of stuff, but he's also who backs them.

Who's their champion to quote John Bradshaw. So if one of those had a really good teacher who took them under their wing and showed them that they did matter. And invested time into them, then that child, that sibling isn't going to have the same issues as all of the other children.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:49] Right because someone was there that could kind of help them along.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:25:54] Yeah. And support them and show them that they did matter, that they were worthy of attention.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:59] So your, your work then is what mostly with people who need that reassurance, that they are valuable or to learn, to find it in themselves. Or both.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:26:10] Well, I worked with people who've experienced childhood abandonment, really and abandonment can come from so many ways. It can come from divorce. It can come from emotional abandonment loss of parents, but it can also be neglect. And just feeling that you are unloved. If you've got narcissistic parents saying, you know, you're only loved when you do good things.

Oh, you become that people pleaser because you only get attention when you help people or you become the scapegoat because you remind them of them so much in order to things that they hate in themselves, that they were told as children was really, really bad. And you become the scapegoat of all of their anger.

And if he's got nobody, then if you haven't got a champion, Then you just live in shame. You can do, well you can, you know, use some people, it doesn't affect them at all, but you can just live in shame of who you are, not what you've done, just literally who you are, because you never had that one person to tell you that you mattered when you were child.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:12] That, who you are, is different from what you do.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:27:15] That you're perfectly okay. Just being you.

Damaged Parents: [00:27:18] Right. So how do adults find that.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:27:22] Say find me. There are many ways how I work is I work with clients to reconnect with that in a child, to be able to remember who they were. When I guide them back to that experience and they remember what was happening and don't have to go from a painful experience. They can just remember how they felt about the emotions that they had.

And then they can see why they have those beliefs about themselves

or other people. And then I helped them to tie it into what's happening now so that they can see because. As humans, we need to know. We need to understand, we can't just accept somebody saying, well, you know, just do this, this and this. And then your life will change, but you need to know why it would change.

So healing that experience and giving the little one, a champion, you show up for them. You give them what you need, because who knows better than you, because you've been through it. And by giving them what they need, then they suddenly have it and then that transpires to you. You have it. Then you create new memories, empowering memories, because the brain knows no different to when it reads the book to fictional reality, you still get excited about a book.

You still get scared. You still get anxious. You still want to know what's going to happen. And that's because your brain doesn't know the difference. So we create these memories. So that you got good memories and supported memories, fun memories, someone noticed you and thought you were amazing and did things with you because that's all a child needs.

Damaged Parents: [00:29:00] When you say that when you're working with people, are you looking for them to help find those people in their story or at least a moment or where they can see where they were brave or they can see where they were courageous? Or is it more really giving them a new story to go off of.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:29:19] Having somebody there to support them through the hardship. So it's not so much of a hardship because you can get through anything with support so much easier. And then. You also explained because as a child, you can't really see the full picture. Yeah. you don't have that experience, but not only that you've very egotistical as a child because you don't have that experience.

So it's all your fault. So, you know, if your dad left, you could just thought it was because you weren't good enough because you weren't lovable enough. But as an adult, you can say, I really, you know, he may have had addictions. He may have not been in love with your mum anymore. There's many, many reasons, but as a child, you would have blamed yourself.

Damaged Parents: [00:30:02] So it's giving you a little bit of a new story with the same dynamic and looking at it from a new perspective and. Maybe while you're helping walk them through it. You're that support person.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:30:17] Your reparenting you're being that person that you needed as a child. And you're bringing the happiness and the joy and the feeling of being supported, feeling of being loved because again, using the law of attraction, if that's how you felt as a child, and that's what you're going to bring into your life as an adult.

Damaged Parents: [00:30:36] Right. So I heard you to say you're teaching them  to reparent and become that person so I think also what I'm hearing is you're that person. Until you can get them not to get them. I don't know that that's the right word, but until you can teach them how to be that person for themselves.

So it's a process of learning for them and  you're there to teach and help them grow. And at the same time, kind of lift them up and let them fly if you will.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:31:04] I don't champion their inner child. They do. I guide them back so that they can, so we do guided meditations. We reconnect, we there's lots of ways that you can reconnect with your inner child. You don't need me, you know, you can just literally look at a photo. Of yourself as a child and allow yourself to remember that child, you can allow your inner child, lots of moments.

When you're watching a funny film, when you're baking, you can write with your non-dominant hand, because that seems to be an easy way then to reconnect to your inner child, because you're not having to think so much, you can do art. There's so many different ways to reconnect with your inner child. And what I guide my clients to do is to learn how to do it jourmal after it so that you can understand what's come up and then relate that to what's going on in your life.

Now.

Damaged Parents: [00:32:02] Okay. Okay. So for instance, I could get out a picture of myself as a child, look at it. It will maybe trigger some memories then I need to think about, or journal or dictate, whatever my capacity is to do that. Right. And, and then if it's, a struggle or if it's a painful thing, maybe looking at.

What I, what was great about that and going, yeah. You know, you did the best you could while you were there and yeah, this is probably still showing up in life over here. Maybe now, what can I do about it? Is that, so I'm getting it. She's nodding her head. You guys.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:32:42] That's it,

that's it totally it's about understanding that everything that is happening in your life, that you're not happy with is because of a childhood patterning along with everything that's happening in your life. That you're happy with is childhood patterning because we are great manifesters everything in our life is because we've brought it in anyone who says they call it manifest.

Is lying because otherwise you reality would be empty but we're manifesting what we believe. We deserve, not what we want.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:12] Okay.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:33:13] And it's about learning that we are deserving. So, and we love it. We love ourselves and we love everybody and we know that we are worthy and we don't hold that resentment. And we don't hold that guilt.

And then we'll bring in happiness into our life. But so often when we've had negative childhood experiences, it's so hard to focus on the good, because you're so used to just being in the bad.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:40] Yeah. And if that's what's normal, then it like, like we were talking about earlier, it would be scary to have peace and it would feel wrong almost. I want to say an awkward. How have some of your clients, or how did you get used to peace? If there was chaos before, how do you just have to sit in it?

What do you do?

Kathy Sanderson: [00:34:02] Oh, it's funny you say that because I can never sit down and watch a movie with my children. My husband could I'd get really angry with him. I'd be like, Oh my God, there's so much that needs to be done. You know what there's so much. We need to do. And you know, you can't be spending time during the day watching the film.

And it was because my dad had this belief that if he wasn't doing something, you were lazy. So you couldn't sit on the sofa and watch, and I can do it now. Because I've hailed that little girl so much that she doesn't live on eggshells anymore, and she's not constantly having to jump up in case somebody comes round. And then somebody sees you sitting down and I can understand some ways my diabetes, because it gave me an excuse to sit and eat If my sugars were low sit down and rest, because I didn't have the capability to move . And sometimes, you know, my husband would come home from work and I be sitting at a table and they'd go, Oh yeah.

But she gets to just being a bit low and just having a break.

Damaged Parents: [00:35:02] So you were almost having to justify because of what was happening inside of you, not because of his question or his looking at you, but because of what was happening inside of you.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:35:12] He doesn't care less. He is the most chilled person ever. And I realized that I was doing that, but as I went back and I healed those experiences and I reconnected with little Kathy and I gave her what she needs. But I just showed up for her. I show up for her and I built this relationship and it wasn't easy for the whole year.

My three-year-old self would not talk to me. She would just, I would always see her standing in the corner, just feeling so out, of it that she couldn't get out of it. So doing that healing and showing her that she was safe enables me now to six. With my children and watch your film. We have family films, things, you know?

So some people that was there, like nothing, but to me, it's a huge thing. And the fact that I can stay sitting down when my husband comes home from work, if I'm sat down at the table, I think that's a real achievement for me. Other people might say, well, God, I sit down all the time. I don't care. But for me, that's a huge achievement.

Damaged Parents: [00:36:15] Yeah, that's amazing. So, I mean, that just gives, gives everyone hope. Okay. Three things that you want listeners to walk away from this episode with today, tips or tools that they might be able to apply in their life right now.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:36:31] The big one is that what's happened to you. Doesn't define you. Your past is not your future. Only if you let it in all honesty, the past does not exist. It only exists in your memory. So you constantly thinking about what happened in the past and feeling bad about it and having those regrets just keeps those feelings and emotions in your body.

It made Johnny Spencer love him loving completely. He said that every time you think about what's happened in the past, you bring it back in your body, experiences it again. And if you're used to beating yourself up all the time, because of it being done to you as a child. So you just carry on in that time to gain as an adult. That's what you're doing. You'll continuing to beat yourself up every single time. Every morning, when you wake up, you have a choice and you choose how you're going to run your day.

You may not realize it, but you did. And you can choose to get out of bed, jump out of bed and say to yourself today is going to be amazing. Everything that can go right today is going to go right. Oh, you can drag yourself out of bed and say, Oh, anything goes wrong. It's going to go wrong. And it sounds like if you're feeling that you've got no hope and I'm saying this to you, I bet you're just trying to phrase something at the at your phone because you're like, no, it's not that easy.

I try and I try. But it's about that continued practice of deciding and carrying on. And if you think about, you've had this belief for so long, that is going to say, practice, not tell you I did it. I bought a poor morning. I'm going to be a fantastic day. Everything that can go right is going to go, right.

I looked in the mirror and I said, I love you. You're amazing. Turn random a cut me time, still my on certain board. Okay. I need to work on that. Which part of me did not believe any of that. And it's that continued practice. Nothing comes easily. That's how human beings have decided to be. And that's the beliefs that we have.

So we work at it. So that's tip number one. Tip number two, if you want to reconnect with your inner child, if you want to look at it and you want to say, so what, what is it from my childhood? That's affecting me now, where do I need to work? If you look at that picture and you write in your dominant hand, in your notebook, hi, how are you looking at the picture?

And your non-dominant hand, that's how you allow your child to talk to you. So you just allow them to talk to you and it won't make sense. Perhaps you might think, where is this coming from? But everything, the only reason we have imagination is because we've experienced it. If I said to you, imagine a house.

You know exactly what to imagine. If I said to imagine a blue, what would you imagine?

Damaged Parents: [00:39:37] right.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:39:37] Because you don't know what that is. So how could you really know what it was so always believe what comes to you? And then, you know, you might write another question. So how are you, how can I help you? What do I need? What do you need? And just see what comes out. You might cry. Crying is good. Crying, allows you to release those things that have been buried deep, deep down that you didn't want to think about.

Did they want to be buried with them?

Damaged Parents: [00:40:05] Yeah.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:40:05] And then another tip, if you. If you suffer from anxiety, or if you suffer from shame that can cripple you, it says some times is just to seat, sit down and just focus on your breathing. Just notice your breath going in your chest, starting to raise. And as you breathe deeply for your mind and see your chest sink.

And just spend five minutes watching your breathing, because I guarantee you, when you stop, you wont be thinking about what it was when you started. You'd have shifted your focus just onto your breathing. So I hope that is useful for your listeners.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:43] I think so. Thank you Kathy so much for coming here today. We're so glad you're on the show.

Kathy Sanderson: [00:40:49] Thank you for having me. I've enjoyed myself.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:52] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Kathy about. What it's like to have multiple miscarriages and struggle to find balance. We really liked when she explained how healing her inner child was so important to feeling fulfilled and healthy. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.