Episode 56: The Over-care of a Nurse
Lauren Bell
Lauren is a wellness & wealth coach, thought leader, international speaker and co-author of The Anxiety Relief Handbook.
With over 30 years as a registered nurse and 16 years as a holistic therapist, Lauren delivers high impact transformational coaching that clears self-doubt, anxiety and inner blocks, so that you can reimagine your wealth story, attract and enjoy true wellness and wealth with confidence, charisma.
She coaches caring professionals and entrepreneurs worldwide in her 'Love Your Extraordinary Life’ workshops and programs.
Social media and contact information:
www.laurenbell.com.au
lauren@laurenbell.com.au
IG laurendbell
LI https://www.linkedin.com/in/laurendbell/
FaceBook Group Heart Centred Professionals
Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents. We're anxious over caring. Self-doubting people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged.
Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling. And feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.
These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero. Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice.
The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Lauren Bell. She has many roles in her life. Daughter, sister, mother, nurse wellness, coach, author, and more. We'll talk about how she was stressed, demotivated exhausted and felt like no one was caring for her and how she found health and healing. Let's talk
Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Lauren Bell with us. She is a wellness and wealth coach, thought leader, international speaker and co author of The Anxiety Relief Handbook. She is also a registered nurse, has been for 30 years and a holistic therapist for 16 years. Lauren, welcome to the show.
Lauren Bell: [00:02:23] thank you. It's lovely to be here.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:25] Yeah. You know, I was noticing something else as I was reading your pre-interview. I loved your quote. You actually put it in all caps. I was over responsible for everyone else and under responsible for me, I'm not surprised to hear that from a nurse.
Lauren Bell: [00:02:42] Yeah, I think so. I think that's what I'm really here now to try and help other nurses and other caring professionals to understand that we really can't be responsible for everyone else. I mean, of course we have a duty of care and if we've got children or, anything like that, that's a bit of a different situation.
But I think so many caring professionals really want to help other people, but they overstepped the boundary and actually we can't do it for another person. We can help, it's like that saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. But I didn't realize. And I think that's the truth for a lot of people.
We don't realize that that's what we're doing. We're trying to go in and save the day and fix things. And you know, my whole life, I was looking for the magic pill or the silver bullet or whatever it was that was going to be the thing that would fix me and fix, you know, my family and fix everybody.
Basically. I've always been learning to find something that is going to be the thing. And then when I discovered actually I was going the wrong direction, that I can't do it for everybody else, that was when my life completely changed. And the freedom opened up for me.
Damaged Parents: [00:03:53] I could only imagine. Because when I heard you say looking for fixes, it sounded like it was about what other people could do that would make your life better. Am I kind of picking up the, on that? Right?
Lauren Bell: [00:04:05] Oh, no, I think it was what I could do for other people. It was more like what I needed to do to fix me and what I needed. And in doing that, then I could share it and help other people to do it. And in a way that's still sort of is what I do, but I was looking for the magic thing that was going to make all the difference, and lots of things have definitely helped, but there's not just one magic thing, but I think.
That it's not my responsibility to do that for other people. If they come and ask me for help, it's a bit of a different situation. And I work with people like that, but I'm still not taking responsibility. They need to, to meet me at a certain level as well.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:44] Okay. I just want to make sure I'm getting this. What I'm hearing you say is that people wouldn't come to you and ask for help, and yet you would give it to them anyway, or try to give it to them anyway,
Lauren Bell: [00:04:56] Oh, in the past,
Damaged Parents: [00:04:57] In the past, right?
Lauren Bell: [00:04:59] Well as a nurse or friends or anybody? Yeah. Anybody who came and, well, I think they probably were asking for help too, in a way, And that's probably what we don't understand, I think is probably the truth that really, we need to do our own work for ourself.
We have all the answers inside of us, you know, all of those types of things. Yes. We need to seek help and guidance. And there's definitely people who can show us different ways, but it's not where I was coming from was a real place. I was feeling their pain and not really recognizing it as theirs, but I was feeling it in mine.
I mean, I could see it in them and I could see that perhaps what they were going to do next was not going to be great for them or, or whatever. And so it was really trying to help them, give them different strategies and doing lots and lots of different healing work and things like that with them
but ultimately what I was doing was really trying to do it for them instead of allowing them to come to it themselves.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:57] That is hard
Lauren Bell: [00:05:59] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:01] because I'm sure it sounds like you could see the potential crash in their life for lack of a better term and you saw it happening and yet you could go to them and give them all this information or these tools and they still crash and that would be painful to watch.
Lauren Bell: [00:06:20] yeah. Yeah. Well, and that's true. I mean, of any counselor or anything really, we have to allow the person to have their own autonomy , and those things, but from a spiritual level, what I really understood. When I got this pace was that actually by seeing someone at a certain point in their life.
And if I thought that they weren't in the right place, I was actually judging them to say, Hmm, they need to do this. They need to do that. But who am I? The authority on that? And the thing is, what I got from it was when people do go through challenges, which we all do. Often it can be the thing that, or maybe it's the very thing that, that gives them the aha moment or helps them to see life differently or gives them more awareness or understanding just like what sort of has happened to me, you know, I went through a burnout journey through my work and it was horrible to go through and all the emotions and the shame and all the other things that I felt at the time.
But then when I got through it far enough, I was able to look back and see the gifts, see the learnings. And understand. And my life changed completely. It's like it went into a completely new direction. So that's where I'm sort of coming , from this responsibility pace, it's like a can't to it. I can't judge it.
I can't say that you need to do these actually, but I can be here can be compassionately sin. If you ask me for guidance or help or my suggestion, then that's a different situation, but not just sort of putting it over you because. A person won't necessarily even be able to hear it or understand it. If they're not ready anyway.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:59] Yeah. I don't know about you. If someone comes at me with you, you, you need to do this, this, this, I sometimes say no, no, no, no.
Lauren Bell: [00:08:09] Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of people seems to be just the way a lot of interactions do occur. You know, we talk about what something we're doing and someone's got great advise from their experience, but it can be a little bit directive and not necessarily just that exchange of information. No, they're pretty adamant that's the right way.
It is for someone to go about things, but we all know that you can tell someone to be blue in the face. If they're not ready or not interested in taking it onboard themselves. Well, it's not going to happen. So I think that's just where I was able to just let go of that tension or whatever it was that was really driving me.
But now I recognize that it was because I was feeling sort of uncomfortable in my own body. And so subconsciously if I could help them and make them feel better, well, then I would feel better too. So understanding all of that and unpacking it. And that's that empathic piece that I have, and many people do and many caring people, professionals, et cetera, do.
So we sort of don't necessarily know that it's not ours to fix until we do. And then we can start to create more boundaries and just have a more gentle understanding to what's going on for ourselves and for the other, the person.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:23] Yeah, and I would think being a nurse
Lauren Bell: [00:09:27] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:28] with patients. And, you've got doctors saying this patient needs to do X, Y, and Z, and then you've got patients or like the doctors aren't listening, or you end up in this middle ground. It could be really difficult for someone. Like you, that really feels and very much cares and very much wants to see success.
What was your experience with that and how did you balance that out?
Lauren Bell: [00:09:50] Yeah.
that's a great question. I mean, I thinking, you know, it's a nurse's role where we're in a teaching mode as well, so we do sort of take control and sometimes of course we have to. But I think it's more from the emotional and mental point of view. It would be. Being understanding, just being accepting of all people's varying ways of looking at things.
People go through all sorts of different childhoods and upbringings and other experiences in the law and we don't know the full picture. And so just to make an assumption about someone, because perhaps they're not following the medication properly or whatever, we don't know the full story.
If I've got the time and the opportunity, that's where I love, that deep connection you can get with someone in a very short period of time but where you're really seeing them and understanding, perhaps what they might be going through and coming from a more compassionate and loving, caring place.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:44] I love that we've talked about so much, but not necessarily a little bit about the struggle and kind of the positive things that have come out of this struggle, but let's go ahead and, tell us your journey. I don't know if you want to start with the burnout or if you want to start before that, wherever your journey starts for you.
Let's kind of walk through that and I'll ask you some questions along the way.
Lauren Bell: [00:11:05] Yeah, I think for me, a lot of it's been because I've been a very reflective person that I've sort of looked back and I'm steward. So now I see it, but really I'm the oldest of three kids and my mom was never very like emotionally. She was all over the place. And we never really knew where, what was going to be like, I think she was very unhappy and really what happened was that I became the responsible one, the parent, or really in a way of like, I'm a mom. And like, I didn't know that at the time, of course, but really this was this peace that was running through me. And I think being an empath and feeling mom's emotions and her upset and sadness and her anger and all of that, but really it didn't really feel safe.
So the easiest thing to do was to, avoid conflict, do the right things, sort of in a lot of ways, people place and I've found that I really couldn't speak up. Had no voice when it came to things that I wanted. And in my chapter, in the book, I talk about a funny story, which wasn't So funny at the time, but you know, it was probably about nine.
And we went shopping for new shoes and obviously it had been a while and we couldn't find any, and mum was getting really exasperated and angry and that put me on edge. And so instead. When she picked up a new pair of shoes and she said, what about these? I just said, yes. And I hated the
And I remember putting them on to go, I don't know, church or wherever I was wearing them and hating them. I'm thinking I didn't honor myself. I mean, obviously not in so many words at age nine, but my sister was younger and she was always just so much more assertive when we used to call it stubborn, but really, she just knew what she wanted and she wouldn't accept it.
So she didn't get shoes that she hated. She waited until she found the ones that she wanted. But. Well, I would go along with things, you know, even I was doing ballet and at one stage there, I didn't really want to continue, but I didn't even have that sort of understanding or awareness for that for myself.
And I knew Mum loved it. So I continued and did it really. For my mom, whereas my sister came along, started doing ballet and she went, no, I hate this and off she went and did other things. And so I was sort of like the older sister looking at her and thinking, oh my God, but I didn't have that sort of courage or voice, or I'm not sure really, but that confidence to be able to.
To do that. So that was sort of really what was going on. And then as I got older, I became a nurse. So I started nursing when I was 18. And and so yeah, I always had these thing that I was trying to find, how to help people to be the best that they could be and to be healthy. So I was always interested in more of a holistic point of view as well.
And then through what happened was like, I did do nursing for a long time and there's lots of have really enjoyed about nursing, but the truth is, you know, we work some really long hours and really, it never felt like being paid appropriately. For the level of work we do, we're in a very hierarchial system.
And sometimes we are pooled between, we have to do one thing one way, or we want to spend more time or do things with patient or whoever in another way. But the organization can't support it. It doesn't have the funding or the resources and those types of things.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:32] So you're talking about. When there's a patient that maybe needs a little more time or a little more connection to help them move along because of the dynamic of the environment. You can't give that to them. You'd have to go do something else.
Well, that
would be frustrating.
Lauren Bell: [00:14:48] Yeah, and in some respects with the area I work in. I'm a little bit more protected because I work in theater and anesthetics and recovery room, and we're a little bit more control with, you know, we need one nurse per patient and sometimes there's not the time, but sometimes. the girls and men on the wards who are looking after patients, you know, they just get given more and more and more and more things to do, and it can become a bit task oriented when they're really wanting to be more able to give someone the support and care.
You know, I think COVID was a really big eye-opener for a lot of people and they call it a moral injury actually, when we can't do what we really want to do for someone. So I just remembering the poor people who would be really sick and unwell with COVID or just even first hold. And of course they'd be in all their protective hazmat gear and, you know, no one could really sit with them or be with them or to explain, or there was just, crazy.
It was quite a different picture over here in Australia, but watching the world news. But everyone over here was in a lot of fear about, well, how's it going to be? And there was a lot of preparation for when that happened to us over here, but we were actually very fortunate because they managed it in a different way.
And we're quite isolated. We're a big island, a long way away from. Yeah
Damaged Parents: [00:16:11] Yeah.
Lauren Bell: [00:16:12] So, Yeah.
so that moral injury of, I want to do this for the patient, but I can't, and it, might be in other areas, you know, I was talking to another nurse the other day who works out in the community and they already all do over time and get there still more that they can do, but there's just not the funding.
It's not the people it's just, all of those things, that there's a big picture of a bigger problem, and we don't have necessarily the staffing or the support to be able to do it.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:41] Which I mean, the other side of what I'm hearing from you is how important it is that patients become advocates for themselves because the people in the field can't give more than what they're able to give, which is not what they even, they think that you speaking from that perspective, from what you think is what they are deserving of.
Lauren Bell: [00:17:04] Yeah. Yeah. And I think that sort of, so once again, that's the being the advocate is that responsibility peace and I think that's the whole beautiful weekend. We'll sort of be responsible too for our own, health and care and how we want to be treated and all of those types of themes. Then I think that just helps us all.
And to do it from a place of kindness and compassionate understanding. Cause I don't think a lot of the times, the way things are communicated is not nice to people and we can become defensive or we can become whatever, yeah. And of course there's all sorts of educational levels and different socioeconomic factors and lots and lots of things.
It's a bit of a simplistic sort of way that I'm speaking about it, but ultimately it's coming back into self loving self and accepting where you're at doesn't necessarily mean that you just keep going. If you know that you've got areas to improve on and grow into, that you still do that work, but ultimately not in that self-blaming judging hating loathing, and then spewing that add on to everybody else because, you know, I think that's what sort of happens a lot in society and where a lot of the discord.
It really is coming from.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:16] I was just thinking about how you were talking about the self-loathing and things like that and spewing that. And the word that came to my mind was offense. And my thought is that offense takes place inside of me. Unless of course, someone's trying to offend me.
Lauren Bell: [00:18:37] Yes. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:18:39] how often does that really, maybe one out of a hundred people are psychopaths, right. I think is the statistic. So maybe one out of a hundred people might be trying to, but I really, so what I heard from you though, is like, by taking responsibility for that offense, that then maybe I don't have to spew it back.
Lauren Bell: [00:18:59] Yeah. So it's a bit like one of the things I really understood that helped me. If I'm not wounded or hurt in some way that I'm not defensive of something or defending something like, so say, you said to me, oh Lauren you just look like a big purple monkey. Well I'm not going to take any of it. Like, I'm going to think you're a bit crazy, but if you said to me,
Damaged Parents: [00:19:24] And if you said that out loud, then I might take offense right?
Lauren Bell: [00:19:27] That's right. That's right. And so, yeah, so you did say to me, Lauren, you're crazy. Your ideas are crazy. And part of me inside is thinking maybe I am a bit crazy, which, you know, I think in some respects that's truth for all of us. At some minor level. Um, But if you actually sorta call me on something that I'm not really sure about that for myself, and maybe I am a little bit wounded or defended over it, then I'm going to, of course protect myself and I might come back with, you know, all guns blazing and, or, whatever.
So it's usually when we're touched, you know, if someone says something and it triggers something inside us, that's a bit hurtful a bit something's not sort of seen and accepted and dealt with. And so the work I do is all about, okay, isn't that interesting? Why have I reacted that way? Of course, I still react that way.
I'm definitely not perfect. But I'll look at it later because usually I feel terrible if I've had a reaction, particularly in the family or something and I've reacted or felt, or said or done something that afterwards, I feel like, oh, that's not who I want to be. Then I'll look at it and go, why was I feeling that way? What did he say? Or she say, that made me, what did I make that mean? You know, Yeah
Damaged Parents: [00:20:43] So in the moment you might respond or react. I seems like there's this terminology that happens
Lauren Bell: [00:20:52] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:53] Like reacting is the reaction and the respond is taking a moment and being kind, or loving from my understanding. So you're in this situation and you recognize even right now, you might react still.
And I'm thinking you've been practicing this for quite some time. And you still react. And I think that's important to recognize, do we ever stop getting triggered? Right.
Maybe
Lauren Bell: [00:21:21] if we're, you know, the Dalai Lama or Jesus Christ or, something like that. I don't know. But yeah, I don't think so. I think we do get triggered and it's okay. Like I think that's the whole point is that. It's about being kind and accepting to ourselves because that's when we can make the changes while we're in denial, that these parts of us are existing. There's a part of me that, does feel ashamed sometimes or does feel bitchy or does feel, whatever it is.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:51] You feel that way you look like such a sweet soul and you sound like such a sweet soul.
Lauren Bell: [00:21:56] Yeah, well, there's two times, you know, I'll see the judgment go past my head and I guess it's a bit about that witnessing part of self. So yeah. You know, I might see someone and then I have a thought and then I think, oh, okay. Because usually what they say. And this is all, I guess I've been at spiritual state care for most of my life.
So yeah, there's been a lot of awareness and growing into just, who am I really? And so if I know that. That I've had this thought that's not so kind about somebody, then it's sort of a reflection of a judgment of myself. And so I use that as the way to be curious, oh, isn't that interesting?
Why what's going on for that? And usually it's about finding that little pod inside that little girl. Some part of me that was not listened to or felt. Angry or, upset or whatever. And it's like giving her that time and appreciation that she's there and that I see her now. And of course it could be a little girl, it could be teenager, it could be five years ago or whatever.
It doesn't really matter, but it's, on the same personal needs, a long journey of life and all of those times, and parts of me are still part of who I am and how I'm presenting to the world.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:11] I think what I heard you say was that little girl or that little person inside of you, and then I heard you acknowledgeable, it might've been something that happened five years ago. I'm thinking maybe it's just the younger person from, even from this moment that you could be talking about that, maybe it wasn't heard or was dismissed or what have you is, am I right in that thought process?
Lauren Bell: [00:23:37] Yeah, I think so. And, probably it does go back to the little child, really, probably most things really go back to the decisions we made as little children. And of course, when we're in a family, we need to belong. It's part of survival, not everyone's had great upbringings and, all sorts of varieties of things, but we don't know any different as little children and we're trying to be accepted and belonging in that family it's to survival mechanism.
And so sometimes, we might've asked for something and it didn't go down well. And so we sort of made it. Decision subconsciously really. Okay. I'm not going to ask. And I think that's probably where I was not able to speak up was like, okay, it's easier for me to keep quiet or just, go into the radar , Don't speak up. Don't ask for my needs to be one, just try and keep peace, those types of things. And it might've been five years ago where I didn't speak up again, but it really does go back to when I was that little girl. And so I can honor the five years ago situation as well as, ask.
And we can sort of ask our subconscious mind to show us the youngest time that really happened. And the idea is that that, part of our is still there. He or, she needs our love and support and attention, and you can use your mind to sort of visualize it. And times where it's good to do it with a therapist, but you don't have to, you can do it yourself too.
And I've, seen my little girl hiding behind a wall and it's like you coax her out, so you just doing all of this in your imagination, but because you are there and then seeing her in a loving way and with kindness, et cetera, and saying, it must've been hard for you. That was awful, we know that shouldn't have happened.
Whatever the right words to say are, and you can ask her what she needs. You know, It's true that a little child they'll be upset. You can go and sit next to them and just, let them know you're there and they might need a cuddle. You give it to them. And then, you know, once that's given to them, what does the child do?
Once they've filled up. They'll go and play again, just get back in the moment and away they go. And so it's lucky doing exactly that to your little child inside and giving her now, or him what they need that you didn't get at that time,
Damaged Parents: [00:25:53] Yeah, I just really love that you acknowledge the moments past childhood that maybe there are still times wherein one is not true to themselves. And yes, you can probably trace it back. But this other moment can also still be triggering, I guess, is the word I'm looking for.
Lauren Bell: [00:26:14] Yeah, totally. And I think that's why, they talk about how you might have an argument with your partner and, because he left the milk on the bench for something, you know, really ridiculous, a minor. And yet the reaction that you have is so over the top and it's because it's not really about the milk on the bench, it's about that thing that happened.
And that thing that happened before that, and then that thing that happened. And So all of the history of all of those other times is now suddenly being proved again, by the milk being left on the bench. And yet that's not really true. It's just that we never really got to the bottom of the issue in the first place.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:52] So understanding what the trigger is, is really important or recognizing that when something happens and there is this intense, because I don't think what I'm hearing from you is that those negative emotions or un-fun or uncomfortable emotions are bad.
It's just that they're telling you something.
Lauren Bell: [00:27:11] Yeah, that's right. All of our emotions are part of just being a human being. But we hate generally speaking. We don't like a lot of them. There's some that we hate. We're not going to go there. And so we avoid, we try to avoid them at all costs, but the truth is they're still in our body.
They're still having a biochemical reaction in there. There's Candace Pert wrote a book called, The Molecules of Emotion. I think it's called. And she proved that each motion has its own signature biochemistry. And so even though we wanted to deny that we're feeling that way, actually we're having a proper physical response in our body to it.
And if we still don't allow it to just be processed. Well, it sort of gets stored in there. And so, yeah, that's where we talk about those triggers. Someone pokes you or says something.
and suddenly it can erupt. Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:28:03] Thinking of a volcano erupting at the moment, you know, sometimes when the anger or the frustration or the sadness or any of those emotions, like you were saying, that, we don't like, right. that's what it seems like. So how do you get better at dealing with them in the moment that it first starts coming up, I guess is the best way to put that question.
Lauren Bell: [00:28:25] Yeah, it's a good question. And it's not always easy. And that's why, none of us are still sort of perfect, but we can, use reflection to go back to that moment. So one of the tools I use is tapping so EFT, emotional freedom technique, or tapping, and what that does. It's a stress reduction tool that basically helps us to allow what's going on in the moment or in reflection of that moment and voice it.
And at the same time, while we're tapping on acupressure points, it just allows the nervous system to calm down. And so it creates that awareness, that acceptance. And it's like, we're saying what's going around and around and around in their mind, we're suddenly saying out loud, and that even that is quite therapeutic to actually say what we're really thinking, because we tend to be always censoring thoughts, our words, our feelings.
And so when we actually acknowledge it and allow it. I feel like when you hit on an emotion that's being trapped, it will rise. And it comes from sort of damn deep in your body somewhere. And if I'm working with a client or if I'm doing it myself, it's like, I just allow the emotion to keep coming up.
And so we use breath to just keep you breathing, keep going, allow it to come up, allow it to expand that. And what's really great too, is to tap just over the collarbone. So that is one of the tapping points, but I find when I'm really engulfed in an emotion, I can just keep allowing it to come up and expand and tap at the same time.
And I even find with my breathing, sometimes I have to breathe out through pursed lips, sort of Like
Damaged Parents: [00:30:11] Like your kid, like a fish or a kissing.
Lauren Bell: [00:30:15] yeah. Or through a straw, you're breathing out sort of that. And so I think like on a physiological level, what you're doing is your containing. the breath out and you're slowing it down. And you're allowing sort of that bit of space to allow the feeling, to come up and feeling, to expand and breathing it out in a way.
And then what happens is it can be quite intense, but it might only be 20 seconds or 30 seconds. And then suddenly there's just this like, oh, release and allowing and acceptance. And that's part of the relaxation response too.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:52] So giving room for the feeling,
Lauren Bell: [00:30:55] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:56] Allowing it to come up and to exist. And I'm thinking at first I was really uncomfortable and maybe a little bit scary.
Lauren Bell: [00:31:05] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:05] How would you recommend if it's someone's first time and they're trying to get through these feelings.
Lauren Bell: [00:31:12] I think the thing is to know that actually we're just dealing with the feelings. It will only last for a minute, 30 seconds, maybe a couple of minutes at the most, but if the feelings keep building or coming then what's happened is we're no longer just doing a feelings were actually back into our mind and we're recreating stories.
And we're building the emotion up again because of it, like this happened, that happened. and I remembered sitting at different times in my life when I was, quite despairing and, you're upset and you're crying or something's happening. And then you start to build into the story of like, I've got no friends and nobody supports me and, whatever is going on for you, then add.
More sort of evidence in a way too. And it keeps building that emotion. And so then we never will get over it. So this is different this is just allowing the feeling to come up, rise up, expand out, and then let go. Because once it goes, that's it it's done. cause they say that emotion is energy in motion. And so that's what we're doing.
We're giving these. Feelings a root out of the body and out of out of us. And once they go and they go on. And so I think when we do it the first time yet, knowing that it's not going to last for a long time, that yes, it might be intense. You may cry. There may be some really hard feelings to feel, but they won't last for very long.
And if you do the things like tapping at the same time and just sort of slowing the breathing and those things that will help support it. But I think for me, definitely it was knowing that if I do some of this work or inquiry into myself, I'm not going down some rabbit hole that I'm never going to come out of again.
So having the confidence that it will only last for a few, you know, a minute or so, and then understanding continues. Well, no I've dropped away from just my feelings and now I'm creating more of that emotion with my thinking.
Damaged Parents: [00:33:17] So I think what I have gotten from you is that emotions are a bit like waves. They crest and fall, and that they're not going to last forever. And in knowing that if they're lasting longer than a few minutes or so then. It could be that they're being re-triggered by the thought process.
So then it's time to take a look at what's happening in the story we're telling ourselves when we're trying to get through that emotion.
Lauren Bell: [00:33:48] Yeah, one of my beautiful coaches Ellen Davidson who just passed away very recently. He said to me, Lauren for every emotion and there's not that many emotions really. we tend to talk about the main ones are love and fear, but then there's, anger, anger, sadness, grief, worry.
In lots of the energy healing modalities, there's only five emotions, but of course, anger that could be frustration, rage. You know, there's all a continuum of each of the five different emotions. But anyway, so he was saying that if you're releasing an emotion, there's only five of them.
But for every one emotion, there's millions of thoughts that could create that emotion. So trying to work it out through the thinking is too hard. It's easier to come back to the emotion that you're feeling in your body and allow that to come up to release that and to do just what we were talking about before. And that really helped me.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:48] Right. So if we can figure out what the feeling is, then we can go back after we get through the feeling, or I don't know, through the feeling is the best way to put it, because I really want to make sure I'm getting what you're, what you're telling me. So I think what I'm hearing is.
Feeling that feeling and just allowing the feeling helps me understand what's happening inside of me. And once I understand what's inside of me, then I can take maybe the next step.
Lauren Bell: [00:35:14] Yeah. So there's different ways of looking at it too. The feeling really, we could just go to the sensation in the body. What am I feeling at this moment? I can feel my feet on the floor. I can feel my legs on the back of the chair. I can feel, my hand, I've actually got my hand sitting over my heart so I can feel the, my cool hands sitting over, my chest at the moment.
So that's feelings in the body. And often if we're thinking about something that has happened, that we're not happy about, if you actually. Feel the feelings associated with it. It could be pressure, constriction, heaviness. They are often what people describe, maybe tightness or sickness in the stomach.
So they're all feelings. And then the emotions of the labels that we give it. So in a way, an emotion is a mental construct for the feeling as well. But you know, we, as I said, that fog emotions really is anger. Sadness and joy are actually on the same content, continuum, fear and worry and grief.
So it's sort of, I guess once again, this comes back to us being a witness in a way, and knowing that, you know, we have feelings, we have thoughts, but they're not who we are. And I think that's the problem is, we tend to associate, depressed at the moment, or I feel sad at the moment. So that's, that's, I'm saying I am sad or I am depressed, but I'm not, I'm just have that feeling at the moment.
And then I, and it's actually true that we could be sad, but we also have joy living alongside it. Like we have all of these things inside us. And so rather than letting it engulf us. It's just allowing and seeing and not being so judgmental and so needing to ha go back to fix it back to, fix it really and change it.
It's just a lot more than allowing and accepting. And then as we do that, it's like we release it. It does get better and easier and we can be just more loving, more, kind, more gentle with ourselves, which means that that's how we express that to other people.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:20] I heard a few things in what you just said. And one of them is that when you said. I am. And the feeling in that's not really true. I am not. That is not all of who I am. I am not sad. I am not anger. And so maybe instead, just recognizing I am feeling that, or I am noticing this is what I'm thinking, then there was a word you snuck in there really quickly that I thought was fantastic.
Witness.
Lauren Bell: [00:37:50] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:37:51] As something to the effect of we're witnesses. Explain that for me.
Lauren Bell: [00:37:55] Yeah. So there is a part of us that is a witness or the observer that can observe. That, you know, I'm using my hand that I'm speaking these words, like it's all happening at the same time. And that's like the center part of who I am, and I have all these other aspects going on.
So it's just, it's maybe just another level of awareness. I'm not sure, but when we get to that and we can see. That that's the bit that can allow us to say, okay, I really reacted over reacted in that situation. And, maybe it might be in reflection because sometimes when our emotions are huge and they just come out, but then afterwards we're going to be, we're going to have all sorts of things going on.
You know, If we have sort of overreacted, cause there's going to be the bit of like, well, I'm just thinking of an example, maybe I have had an argument with my partner or sometimes we yell quite loud, so there'll be part of me. That's really angry with him still. And then believe me, that's going on?
We're just going over the same old thing again, like I'm sort of aware of all this. It's back to the parts thing too. It's just knowing that all of this is happening inside me as human being. I have lots and lots of emotions, lots and lots of thoughts. And that's all Okay. I think that's my biggest point is I want to try and make is that it's about accepting ourselves and where we're at.
And if there's things that you don't like, well, then sure we can slowly steadily change them. But it's about coming to the love and acceptance first it's a bit like this analogy, a lot of people, they're not happy with their weight, perhaps, they want to lose weight and they hate this.
They hate themselves and they hate their body and they may have heard people say, but you need to love yourself first before you can actually you know, It relates to the white and it seems very, very foreign. It's like, how could I love myself when I look like this? Or how could I, you know, but it's true.
We need to get back to this place of just, well, this is just where I am right here right now. This is where I am, and I'm accepting that about myself and I you know through things like tapping, it helps us to release those anger and the hatred that we've got for ourself to come into a place where we can start to feel more compassion, more understanding, and often what's under things like anger when we're really is hurt.
And so then we release all the anger and we speak it out and tap it out. And then underneath will show us that there's really some sadness there. And so when we can tap in and release some of the sadness and things, we get more and more into this place of accepting and kindness and compassion for ourselves And even moving into a place of self-love.
And then from the self-love place, that's where it's like, I love you no matter where you are, right. Suddenly I'm wanting to choose more healthy food options or exercise myself more or move my body in ways that brings me joy. That type of thing.
Damaged Parents: [00:40:56] Yeah. It seems like if you could step out and become that witness of yourself then I mean, even for me, if I can step back and just witness, then I could see that sadness I could see that joy. I might be able to see some of those things easier and I might need to have some quiet in order to do that.
What I'm thinking.
Lauren Bell: [00:41:19] Yeah definitely And that's why things like mindfulness meditation, journaling. They help us to tune into our inner world and what's really going on. And the more and more we do, I think that.
breeds more and more confidence and courage. And we start to see signs and things that are showing up in our life that are actually, guiding us uh, helping us or, and they can be the simplest things.
But it's like when we start looking. For how supportive we really are, how much magic or miracles and things like that are really happening for us. It's sort of that place of gratitude really. It's like you notice all the things you're grateful for, and then it changes who you are and how you feel, but you also start seeing more of it.
And that's related to the part of the brain, the reticular activating system, which is, I'm going to go and buy a red car and suddenly all on the road. All I see is red cars because that part of my brain has now been primed, if you like to look for red cars. So if I'm priming my brain to look for the things that I'm grateful for, all the things that are showing up and supporting me, I can start to see them more and more, and then they keep coming and then I give more gratitude for them.
And it just keeps building. And so That's sort of the same thing. And, to take it back to that part of self-acceptance and awareness. Compassion for self it's. Like we just keep doing it and doing it and it builds and builds and builds so that it just becomes who you are.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:53] That's fantastic. Okay. We are at that time. In the podcast where I ask for three things. So three tips, tools, it could be things we've already talked about. It could be just something else that you want people to walk away this podcast with.
Lauren Bell: [00:43:09] Okay. Three tips is. It really does start with me. That's one of the taglines I use. It's like do look at who you are and know that inside us all, we're all beautiful divine beings. And yes, a lot of times it's covered up with some muck and things that needs to be cleared out, but it doesn't make it wrong.
It's about coming into that self acceptance. That's. Compassion, maybe forgiveness. And then when we can move to that place, we can become more self loving and then we can express ourselves fully and be who we really want to be in the world. There's great potential for all of us. And it's like the oak becoming the acorn.
It's just part of who we really are. And if we can sort of allow and be gentle about that process, then we can just, we don't have to try and control and manipulate. We can just sort of allow and do things that bring us joy. It should, it really should be that we're always trying to be in this space of kindness and caring and compassion for ourselves first, because then what happens is it extends out to everyone else anyway.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:21] That's beautiful, Thank you so much
Lauren Bell: [00:44:24] Thank you.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:25] for coming on the show today. We've been honored to have you. Thank you, Lauren Bell.
Lauren Bell: [00:44:29] And you're very welcome. It was a bit of a different talk to what what I thought we would do, but it's lovely. And I really appreciate you holding space and giving us the opportunity to share and to learn from so many other beautiful people and from you.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:46] Thank you so much.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We really enjoyed talking to Lauren about how she stopped blaming and became responsible for 100% of what happens to her.
We especially liked when she made the connection between milk on the counter and the over the top reaction she was having. And what that might mean in her relationship. . To unite with other damaged people. Connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then
