Episode 36: Vulnerable Enough to Be Who You Really Are

Mike Iamele

From waking up vomiting blood, to falling in love with his male caretaker when he identified as straight, to having his story go viral and millions of people talking about his sex life, Mike has torn down everything he thought he had to be to become who he actually is.

For most of the past decade, Mike’s worked as a Life Purpose Expert + Brand Strategist, helping hundreds of celebrities, artists, entrepreneurs, influencers, and spiritual seekers to map their experiences and discover their subconscious motivations, unique brand, and life purpose with his Sacred Branding® system.

Social media and contact information: mikeiamele.com/map
instagram.com/mikeiamele
facebook.com/mikeiamelewrites

Podcast Transcript:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where confused, vulnerable, lost people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.

Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.

There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be how do you do that How do you find balance after a damaging experience My hero is the damaged person the one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me not in spite of my trials but because of them let's hear from another hero Today's topic includes sensitive material which may not be appropriate for children this podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them

Today we're going to talk with Mike Iamele. He has many roles in his life husband brother son cousin nephew grandson Author life purpose expert and more We'll talk about how he hadn't ever identified as anything but heterosexual and found himself in a position where he was attracted to his caregiver which was extremely confusing and perhaps part of his journey let's 

 Welcome Mike Iamele to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. I'm so glad you're here today.

Mike Iamele: [00:02:09] Yeah, thanks so much for having me.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:11] Yeah.. I was, you know, we were just talking that you are a life purpose expert and brand strategist. What does that mean?

Mike Iamele: [00:02:21] Right. That's what I always say. You know, I think that very few people get into life, purpose, work, feeling like they've always known their purpose. And so I feel like, for most of my life, I felt a little bit all over the place. And so, you know, my story, I guess we're jumping right in here.

Um, It starts with when I was 22 years old, I started a public relations firm and it was pretty successful. I worked with some big wigs in the industry. We worked with some celebrities, some tech, billionaires healthcare politicians, that crowd. And then a few years later I woke up and I was vomiting blood.

And that didn't stop for months. I'm not kidding you. So I was vomiting blood daily. It was terrifying. I went to the emergency room. I was getting fluids. I was kind of shopped around from doctor to doctor.  People always ask me if I got diagnoses, I did. I got multiple based on different levels.

There was all a bunch of things wrong with me. So there was no clear consensus. It was just kind of this, like, auto-immune something going on over here. And at the time I had two roommates. One of my roommates was my oldest sister's friend who had recently moved to the city. And so she moved in with me and the other was a guy I knew from college who also needed a place to live.

And so we had just like rag tag team and my older sister's friend recently had gotten the boyfriend and spent half the week at his house. And so I was  so sick, and I couldn't drive to my appointments. I couldn't pick up a prescription and it just so happened. The other guy was on residency and he was a medical professional and he could take care of me.

And so he started taking care of me and drive me to appointments and, cooking dinner for me. And about two months into this, I realized I started to develop feelings for him. And that felt strange because at the time I had never been with a man and to my conscious knowledge, never interested in the man.

So I kind of thought like, I don't know, is this like, you know, To give you a frame of reference. Like I thought I was going to die. So is this like, this is a human within proximity. And I am just like grabbing on where I can, I didn't know what was going on for me. And so I thought, well, you know, any other time in my life, I probably would have brushed this under the rug.

I would have just thought, like, whatever, it didn't feel sexual, it didn't even feel romantic. It just felt like some deep connection. And I think I would have thought like, Oh, whatever. But I was at the moment right now where I thought I was going to die any day now. And so I was doing crazy things. Like I was writing handwritten letters to every member of my family, telling them everything I've never said to them, because I thought like, this is like radical healing.

Right.

Damaged Parents: [00:04:56] Yeah. And I'm thinking you said you're doing these radical things because you're certain you're going to die. It sounds like there was a perspective, change

it happening inside

Mike Iamele: [00:05:06] Yes. I was kind of like, obviously if I'm vomiting, blood, something is been stuffed down for awhile and I need to like, just speak it and share it and try to get that message out there. And also, what if I am so sick that I'm going to die? Like, do I want to die? Not being totally courageous and transparent and vulnerable.

And so I decided one day got up the nerve and I said, Hey Garrett, his name's Garrett. Hey Garrett. I don't know how you can handle this or feel about this, but I feel something here and I don't know, I didn't know why he was going to say and lucky for me, Garrett is the most thoughtful person in the world.

So we said, okay. Yeah. And he kind of thought about this and that led to about two months of conversations. Which led to about two years of exploring if a relationship could work.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:53] So, okay, cause I know we're still into describing what life

purpose expert means

Mike Iamele: [00:05:58] Yes. This is my long definition.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:00] that's okay. That's okay. So you are well, wow. I'm starting to have these feelings of not certain what they mean, but I, I need to let you know. And you had an identified at that way before, and then was he in that same boat?

Mike Iamele: [00:06:16] Yes. He only been broken up for six months of a relationship that was over six years along with a woman. And he also had never been with a man. I can't speak for him if he's ever, you know, been at that point, somewhat interested, but I didn't to my knowledge. didn't think so, I sort of thought like, he's going to take this really poorly, right? Like that was my reaction. But knowing him, knowing what a thoughtful kind person he was, I thought, well, at least I can speak it. He might take it sort of poorly, but we can talk through it and it will just be over.

And he kind of felt something. And so we spent about, like I said, two months talking and then about two years exploring, and we dated women while we kind of explored, if we could be intimate or have a relationship that worked and, explored, it was always, one step forward, two steps back.

Like I remember. People always say like, Oh, when you like, are in love with someone and you kiss them for the first time, it must've felt so natural kissing Garrett. No, it was the most unnatural feeling in the world. For me, like I had never felt a man's facial hair. I never felt facial hair while kissing somebody.

It did not feel good or natural. And for a while, like that was not something I was interested in.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:23] So.

I didn't even feel essential at all.

Mike Iamele: [00:07:26] No, it was, I think it was really hard to get over this like really weird something is going on here. And there was a lot of, you know, a lot of therapy sessions, a lot of unpacking what I'm feeling and what's going on.

And so while all this is going on, I knew I needed to leave my job, right. Because if I'm vomiting, blood, something is wrong with this work. And so I started, trying all these radical therapies. I was doing acupuncture, reflexology, Reiki, you name it. And I was getting a little bit better and this was maybe three or four months after I had gotten sick the first time.

And so I was getting a little better. I decided to leave my job. And because I was an owner of the company, I decided to give a year's notice. Now, anybody listening. I never recommend you do that. But because I was an owner, I thought this is the right thing to do. Right. And so I'll give you years notice.

We'll restructure some things. I'll figure out my next move because I don't have a plan. And then we will, go from there. And so in that year, I had signed up for herbalism school and nutrition school, and I was taking all these psychic development classes and I was working full time and I was navigating my first same sex relationship.

And I was healing myself. It was the worst year of my life by far, but I survived it. And I left and it just kind of coincided that I left my job in December and that was the deadline that Garrett and I had set to tell our families that we were together because we had been together now for about a year and a half.

And we felt like we were, it was real at this point. And so we moved in just the two of us and we said, okay, we're going to tell people. So at the same moment we told our families, I left my job. My dad's reaction was my favorite. He said, Oh, so you were leaving your job and you got yourself, a rich boyfriend.

You are so smart. And so that was a great reaction by my dad. And actually I've never said that before in the interview, so that's great. yes, exactly. So, , I left my job and I thought I was going to be this kind of health coach herbalist to Boston's entrepreneurs because I had gotten sick.

I know a lot of these people are stressed. I thought I could help them out. But I gotta be honest with you. I didn't love it. I wasn't making a lot of money and I just thought, well, crap, I gave up this great job. I really liked it. Like what? Now I'm never going to know my purpose. I thought, okay. Okay. Okay, come on Mike.

You've got all these great stories. Now. I wasn't ready to talk about my relationship, but I had all these stories of being very successful at a young age, realizing it wasn't what it's cracked up to be, you know, getting really sick. Like I can talk about these things. And so I started a blog. And the blog got decently popular.

And about three months after I had started this business, I got an email from a publisher who said, Hey Mike, can I just offer you a book deal? I was like, what? Does this happen in real life? Okay. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. Give me a book deal. And so I signed that book deal. And in the book I wrote about my relationship with Garrett and I thought, well, crap, right after I sent in that manuscript, I thought crap.

I have to tell people in my life, they can't find out on the shelves of Barnes and noble. Like I have to tell them about this relationship.

Damaged Parents: [00:10:28] wait, wait, wait, wait. It's so you hadn't told

Mike Iamele: [00:10:31] So I told you family and maybe a few close friends, but there, why your networks in my life did not know about this relationship. And so this was something I had to tell people, right? So I wrote a blog post for my own blog and I was writing for another publication at the time and they saw it and they said, Hey, Mike, would you just adapt out a few details and write for us?

And I was like, well, it's already out there. Fine, no big deal. So I added a few more details, sent it into them. I went to bed that night. I woke up the next morning and a hundred thousand people had shared it. 

Damaged Parents: [00:11:02] What were you thinking in that moment?

Mike Iamele: [00:11:04] yeah, I was thinking. Oh, my God, millions of people are talking about my sex life right now. I have literally thousands of emails.

I'm not even kidding you when I say this. I mean, it was every walk of life, people from all over the world, people who had similar experiences, people were really supportive. People in my personal life who had kind of these same sex feelings or fantasies, they never told anyone were emailing me about it.

Like. There was why hate mail, of course. And so it was incredibly overwhelming. It was the most shocking thing that's to date ever happened to me, hopefully ever.  I got phone calls from NPR and Huffington post and Yahoo news. You know, I didn't know how to handle this because. At this time I'm still exploring my sexuality.

So the entire world is asking me to defend my sexuality and explain it to them. And I didn't even understand it. I didn't know what it was.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:57] Yeah. I was wondering, you know, a thought that came to my mind is when those. Trolls, if you will, and you got those ornery mean emails came in and you're still questioning how in the world did you stay sane in those moments? I mean, I think I would be beating myself up. I want to understand where you went.

Mike Iamele: [00:12:17] Yeah. So my therapist got a phone call. I'll say that. I am an herbalist by training, like I mentioned. So I was drinking a bottle of kava kava, which is an herb, a lot of, anxiety herbs this week. It was really, you know, now I can talk about it and laugh about it, but it was really traumatic.

I mean, this was a really challenging time in my life. And it was a time where I kind of. Did the worst thing you can do when you have a book coming out? I really pulled back and I just didn't want to be public. And so I probably, you know, I publish, you're probably didn't like hearing this, but I probably didn't want to do as many interviews or I didn't want to be as out there because it was really overwhelming.

I felt overexposed. And so I'm at this moment in my life where, a lot of people are talking about me. And I actually, I got to tell you this. So people, I guess this was kind of early days of Instagram, but I guess people love to like, find out things about you personally, they go to your Instagram and I am so, social media phobic that at the time I only had an Instagram because I was in the scavenger hunt and in the scavenger hunt.

And you had to. Show a sad selfie, anytime you like, didn't get the clue. And so my Instagram was only downloads for the extra points and it is 20 pictures of me looking very sad as my entire Instagram and all of these people just start messaging me. Like, what is wrong with you? Where are the sexy photos of you and your boyfriend?

Like It's strange for me. I mean, we had situations where people were kind of stalking Garrett and really trying to find out who he was. It got really strange. And so anyway,

Damaged Parents: [00:13:46] I think another word I would use as overwhelmed

Mike Iamele: [00:13:49] Oh yeah. Overwhelmed. Huge.

Damaged Parents: [00:13:51] maybe like nothing of my life is my own

Mike Iamele: [00:13:54] Yeah. And, you know, I felt like people were telling me who I was, you know, it was really frustrating. And to also feel like, Hey, I want to do important, cool work in the world. And the entire world only wants to see me as one aspect of my life. Right? Like people only want to talk about my relationship or only want to talk about my sexuality.

And for years I didn't do interviews on this.  What's that  NPR show Money. Sex and Taxes or something like that, someone of those type of things. Anyway, I remember nowadays I looked back and said, why didn't I say yes to that? That's a great show. But at the time I was like, I am doing no interviews.

on this. I'm done because it was so overwhelming. And I didn't have a strong sense of self outside of that. I didn't feel like I even knew my purpose. And so here I am like caught in this wave.

Damaged Parents: [00:14:38] Right. So it sounds like your identity or how people viewed you was as what you wrote in the article. So it was very much who you are and yet you knew. So then maybe you didn't feel seen because that wasn't all of who you are. You're much more than that.

Mike Iamele: [00:14:56] Exactly. And I felt like there was this trend, right? Like I was only this young PR Wizkid who was like really, really good there. And then I was like the person who got really sick and healed myself. And then I was like Garret's boyfriend. And it was like, who am I? What is my purpose? You know? Cause I have all these things on getting socially validated.

And so I'm sitting here at this moment, like I've got this book deal, that I got out of the blue, I got this viral article. But I have no business model. I'm making no money. I feel like such a failure and a tons of people are paying attention to me now. And so I thought, all right, all right, let me go to those life purpose books.

And I kid you not. When I say I've read every book on life purpose, I have been to every training. I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have heard. You will know your purpose by the end of these 60 minutes. Almost never happens, but I have heard that many times in my life. And so I am on all these trainings and they all pretty much say the same thing.

Right? Like, figuring out your passions, figuring out your skills and figure out what the world needs and find that middle point. So I thought, okay, how do these things even relate? Right? Like. PR branding getting sick, urbalism viral articles, sexuality, these don't make sense to me. And I really sat with this for days.

I thought, Oh my God, it's so obvious, Don Mike, your meant to create a blogging course and this blogging course, it's going to help people get a book deal, but it's going to be deep and spiritual but finding your voice, knowing who you are, sharing your stories about this is totally at. And this is at the end of a year of me waffling around, figuring out my stuff.

So I had no money left, but I thought if you know your purpose, who cares, you've got to go all in. These books are telling me you got to go pro. So I got the fancy lighting kit and the microphone and the business partner. I had a web designer. I had editing software where you name it like thousands of dollars I put into this thing I knew this was taken off. I just knew it. So put it out into the world. And I think five people bought it. It was a colossal failure. I lost thousands of dollars on this thing. And I just thought I am done. I am so freaking done. I can't do this anymore. Like, it would have been one thing if I didn't go for it this year, but I did, you know, I left my job.

I went for love. I got a book deal. I shared myself with millions of people talking about my sex life. Like I really feel like I went for it and the world doesn't want what I have to offer

Damaged Parents: [00:17:16] okay. And something else that came up for me now I've got two teenage girls, but something else that I heard you say was. People are reading my stuff. They're doing this and I'm broke. So you were popular, you were well known in the community. And yet that doesn't necessarily equate to money, nor did I hear you say it equated to happiness either.

Mike Iamele: [00:17:38] Yes. That's absolutely right.

Damaged Parents: [00:17:39] Okay. I mean it's and in fact, if anything, it sounds like it was more confusing.

Mike Iamele: [00:17:44] Yes, confusing and depressing because it was like people only wanted to pay me or connect with me. If I'm this one person they want me to be. But if I'm trying to really explore my purpose, who I want to be, that's not, you know, nobody wants to compensate me for that. And so I was so done with this.

I thought I'm just going to go back to public relations and beg my partners to take me back and my own company. I don't even know if I have a job, but beg them to take me back. And so what I wanted to do was host what I call a failure celebration and really the thinking there was like, at least I did things that got me to failure.

At least I took risks. At least I did hard things. That's going to be worth something. This can't be like a blip in my life. And so I use the one thing I was still confident in, which is branding and public relations. And I went into a Facebook group. I was a part of, and I said, Hey, I'm just going to offer free branding sessions.

I'm not successful. Maybe you can be, I'm just going to do all of your branding for free for a day. As many as I can have. I think I did like nine hours. I did six different people. I had to literally stop sessions to pee, but it didn't matter. Like I was giving this away and this was branding work. I'd always done just to help people condense all of themselves, their messaging and their products and everything, and really make it easy.

And so I'm used to working with, like I said, healthcare politicians and celebrities and tech entrepreneurs, but these were people like artists and psychics and podcasters and healers and writers, all types of cool people. And so I did these sessions for them at the end of that day. Every one of them said to me, some variation of, but Mike, you didn't tell me my brand.

You explained to me my entire life purpose, everything just makes sense. And so I'm sitting there as you can imagine, like what the F what the, I don't know, what the hell you talking about? I don't know what's going on here. So anyway, I said, okay, sure, whatever we get off these sessions. And I was like, at this point, what do I have to lose?

I'm just going to do this for myself. Right. I'm just going to do what I did with them. And so I did for myself, the same process I did for them. And I came up with six words and these six words are aligned, zany, free, unmistakable, successful, and vulnerable. And it was just this, like this light bulb moment, because I realized in that moment, Oh my God, I've never been more vulnerable than I am with Garrett

I've never felt more unmistakable. Like I literally can't make a mistake or I can be staying here. That's why I love him. And I totally see why in public relations I was successful and I help people to share their vulnerable stories, but I couldn't be zany enough. I can see why it was successful, but not fulfilling.

And over here with my book and my blogging course. And it was just like, anytime I felt these six words, things have worked out and I've been purposeful anytime I didn't, they didn't work out. And it began to give me this map. And so I'm sitting here with my little epiphany, big epiphany, I guess. And I get an email from one of these women and who I worked with that day.

And she said, Hey, Mike, my friend wants to buy this. Like I was telling her about it. What do you call this? Can she buy it from you? And I was like, I don't know. I mean, sure. I guess you want pay me? I said, you know, it's branding, but you're telling me it's life purpose. I guess I'll call it Sacred Branding.

It must be sacred. And I slapped that name on didn't think much about it. And I had the client the next day and the day after I had two clients. And three weeks later, I had 30 clients and that was seven years ago. I haven't left. I never went to PR. And basically what Sacred Branding is. The way I look at life purpose, which is pretty different than other people, is that it's Not about these containers.

It's not about these labels or titles. It's not me being, you know, gay or straight or, PR guy or the sick person or whatever it is, it's really about this essence that we feel that. Why that feels purposeful or it doesn't is going to tell us, anytime that what we're doing is we're mapping our entire lives and figuring out which levers we just naturally subconsciously poll every time we're successful and fulfilled.

And when we begin to understand that we realize the same patterns, the same things that we're sensitive to over and over again, they're going to show up in every story of our lives.

Damaged Parents: [00:21:39] That's really interesting. So I think what I hear you saying is that in order to find your purpose, there's going to be levers throughout our lives or in almost interests throughout our lives. That we'll notice where we'll be successful in those environments. And. Okay.

Mike Iamele: [00:21:56] So, so here's a great way to look at it. So a lot of times, the way we talk about purpose is we'll talk about like it's achievable or aspirational. We'll say things, people will tell me all the time, Hey Mike, my purpose is to be a podcaster. My purpose is trying to book my purpose is to, be a life coach.

And I'll say that is so awesome. But here's the thing. If you can achieve it, that means you can also fail it. And that doesn't make any sense. How can you fail your purpose? And furthermore, if you can achieve it, that implies you didn't have it at a certain point. So did you just not have a purpose as of the baby?

That doesn't make sense either. You know, as babies, before we even had language, we had one thing and that's sensitivities, right? Some babies are sensitive to freedom, right? And if they're swaddled too tight, they are not going to like that. And we're going to try to break out. And throughout the course of their life, they're always going to be sensitive to freedom.

They're always going to be feeling trapped easily and wind help free others. Cause they know what that feels like. Some babies are going to be sensitive to sound and use it, and they're going to really like it. And they probably can hear notes that I can't hear. Some babies are going to be sensitive to connection and really looking their mother in the eye.

And that's going to be true throughout their lives. And they're going to feel isolated or disconnected very easily. And so what we begin to notice is that every person before we even had words, we're sensitive to certain things and sensitivities are where we experienced life deeper. We see taste, touch, smell, hear life more on those areas.

For me, it's vulnerable. I feel alive through vulnerability. If you can't tell, I love telling vulnerable stories and I'm also zany. That's another one of mine. We talked about weird and crazy and zany. And that's part of who I am. It's my gift to the world. It's what I've had most insecurities around. It's where I feel deeper than anyone.

It's where my trauma is. It's where my gifts are. It's all of these things. I want to understand that I realize. Purpose. Isn't the container, right? It's not the cup of water. It's the water inside my entire life. I'm pouring water from one cup to the next, my relationships, my jobs, my whatever, but the same essence, the same sensitivities are inside.

And most of us go through life, looking for the right container. And then what happens? We lose our job. We get divorced, the relationship ends, and we have to rediscover our purpose. But all we're doing is we're looking and saying it was never about the cop. Why did this relationship feel good for me? Why did this business feel good for me?

Why did this job feel good? And if we know why we can still grieve it when it ends, but we can just pour that water into a new container and say, okay, I want to find a new relationship that helps me feel vulnerable and zany the and free. And that's what makes me feel purposeful.

Damaged Parents: [00:24:27] I really love that because it, when earlier, when we were talking about being seen and I said, it sounds like people saw you as, as what you had written about and not as all of who you were. That to me, is that water that you're talking about in the cup is all of who you are versus the  cup.

Mike Iamele: [00:24:49] Exactly. And I didn't know my own water, so I wasn't able to share and express that and everything. And now, you know, people have asked me what's changed. Why seven years later, can you kind of come around and talk in interviews? And it's because you can't see a part of me without seeing all of me anymore.

I know who I am. I know all of me and every moment of my life, even the story, these stories, you can imagine. Didn't make sense to me for a long time. It was all these disparate stories. It's only through looking at them through the lens of vulnerable zany free unmistakable successful that we begin to say, Oh, wait a minute.

I can see the patterns here. I can see what was really going on. And now I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I don't really feel like I can be objectified. I mean, if somebody resonates with one part of my story, that is awesome. That's a great access point. Come on in here more about me because I'm the same old me in every situation in my life.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:40] Okay. Here's what I think I'm getting is that you can just be unapologetically you and you don't have to take on the identities of what. Like if you were to receive those emails today, like you had about the article that you wrote, and then some of those emails, maybe you took on what the people were saying about you.

So the good emails felt good and the horrible emails felt extremely bad now. That's okay. That's their story? Not yours.

Mike Iamele: [00:26:09] Yeah, absolutely. I mean, first of all, I, bad emails still feel a little bit bad to me, so I'm not going to say that I am perfect. Okay. But no, I think that when we have so much focus on those containers on those cups, we really disempowered and we really are kind of victims of the validation or shame around us of people saying like, Oh, Mike you're worthy because of X, Y, and Z, or you're not worthy because of X, Y, and Z.

And I really took that to heart. And you know, now it just feels, I want to give you an example, actually, because I think this will help So I didn't always feel empowered about my body. I didn't feel very good about my body that I looked good or attractive. And I thought for years of doing this work, I've helped so many people with that, very issue through the work.

Come on, Mike, you do this, you can do this. So I said, okay, all right. With my body, what would make me feel vulnerable and free and zany? And I thought, Hmm, well, duh dancing naked in front of the mirror. And so everyday for a year as the water was heating up for two minutes, I would dance naked in front of the mirror.

Vulnerably zanily, freely dancing before I got in the shower. Even on days when I didn't feel attractive, I didn't want to look at myself. I just danced naked for two minutes. At the end of that year, I didn't even think at the time these were related, but I booked my first boudoir photo session.

To be honest, I have no idea what I was thinking or why that happened, but I did that and I was so nervous and I thought I'm never going to show anyone, these photos, maybe not even my husband, like these are just for me. Maybe he'll see them. I got those photos back and I felt so sexy and confident. Oh my God, my mom has seen them.

They're all over the internet. Like I don't care who sees these photos because I feel so good about myself. And what I realized is I'd never seen my body through the lens of my sensitivities. I've always seen them through what media tells me, what you know, magazines tell me what social media tells me and never really through my own eyes.

And it gave me a radically different way to begin to see my body in a different context.

Damaged Parents: [00:28:04] So, when you talking about you saw your body before you did the pictures and before the dancing through society's eyes. Are you talking about what we think society views. So, you know, when I look at a magazine, this is the type of body I'm going to see is that what you're

Mike Iamele: [00:28:22] Absolutely. Yeah. You know, I think that we see the same type of volume. So we see that this is a validated body. This is a kind of shamed body. And for me, I've always been saying to be honest with you, I know some people think this is a blessing for me. It hasn't felt that way, but I haven't gained more than five pounds in 20 years.

Damaged Parents: [00:28:39] I don't like you

Mike Iamele: [00:28:40] See, I know people  always say that when I say it but  I right

Damaged Parents: [00:28:45] I think you're

Mike Iamele: [00:28:46] Yeah.

I have felt, too thin, too scrawny, too, whatever. And you know, it's really beautiful because my body is the type that doesn't change. If I exercise, whatever it doesn't change.

And what's great about that is because of that, I couldn't change my body and think that made me worthier. I had to learn how to love the skin that I'm in because I couldn't change it. There was no way tp change this body and I can look at pictures of myself, older pictures, and I realize how uncomfortable I look in my body.

I just don't look comfortable and looking now how comfortable I look, I haven't changed the body. I haven't lost a game. Wait, but I look different because I'm taking up space in my own body.

Damaged Parents: [00:29:20] Gosh, my mind is just going to so many different places to implement this idea. I don't know if you've noticed my hands don't work right. You know, I have disabilities. I'm thinking of people with weight issues or, with the opposite, like you're saying very skinny, or maybe not even that I spoke with a gal, I didn't even realize had, she was an athlete with eating disorder stuff, you know, and how.

It's so confusing when it comes to the body, because I mean, there's no answer. And society recognizes the very outside spectrums, right. So we've got. Way over here, fat or obese or whatever you, whatever words you want to use to define that you've got super skinny or emaciated,  I think is the word.

I can never remember that word. Thank you. And then from those outside spectrums to people in the middle, don't even get to identify because they're not. Enough to the side and yet they still struggle. It sounds like you are one of the people more closely in the middle that still struggled a little with body image and what that meant.

So it sounds like dancing in front of the mirror was huge in learning to love all of who you were. I mean, the physical part of who you were, not all of who you are, but

Cause I think you're more than the physical.

Mike Iamele: [00:30:45] Of course, we are definitely more than the physical, but you know, one thing that's really beautiful for me is so years ago I was getting engaged to my husband. I was going to propose to him. That's a whole nother story. I would love to tell, but we probably don't have time today. A really amazing story, but I was, and I'm type of person, if you can't tell that I need to do like immense amounts of self work before these things.

And so I was meditating on why does Garrett love me? And I was listening to that song Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Ray. And I was thinking, you know, is it proverbially my, you know, youth and beauty? Is it my intelligence? Like, why does he love me? And what about when I get older? What about, if I lose my job or I don't have clients or I, whatever, like, you know, going through all these things in my head and I looked over and there was a rose bush in full bloom, and I thought, well, what happens if you cut off one of those rose flowers?

Right. Like, you know, the rows of intelligence or beauty or whatever, what happens? Does it lose its worth? And I thought, well, no, because it's not it's worth, it's not held in the flowers. That's just a manifestation of it's worth the worth is all the way down in the roots, which is the connection to all things.

And if I could offer a Rose flower, another one grows. If I lost my job or I change my looks or whatever, a different manifestation of Negroes. And that's beautiful. It's the same essence. It just looks a little bit different. My worth isn't any of these one things. It's not one container.

One of those cups we talked about, it's the water inside. It's the essence. And when I get that. Yeah, I can absolutely love my body, but whether my body looks this way or that way, it doesn't change my worth. And one more thing I'll say was I can't shut up about this topic is that, after I'd done some of this work and I started to feel really good, my body.

I look at some photos from my wedding. And I saw because I was wearing suspenders all straight lines. Right. My collarbone straight I'm very slim. Like this is a straight line down. Everything was straight. And I thought, well, one of my sensitivities is aligned. What else would I look like? And one of my business partners, who is the bigger woman, one of her sensitivities is nourished.

And I told her that she thought you're right. And what else would I look like? And it just began to heal us that we're looking through who we are as an essence. First, we're not starting with what society has told us.

Damaged Parents: [00:32:55] That's pretty amazing that, you would have aligned and she would have nourished and you would be able to recognize that it manifests itself  in another way.

Mike Iamele: [00:33:05] Every aspect of our life, we experience life through the senses. Like I said, we see taste, touch, smell, hear life. And so every aspect of our life, we're going to be sensitive to the things we noticed, the things we pay attention to that we're triggered by or traumatized by, or that we're happy and joyful by.

We're going to be sensitive to. And so when we begin to map our sensitivities, which is my work, we begin to see, Hey, wait a minute. Like. Everything begins to be explained, because this is how I experienced life. This is how I am in the world. Like this is why I'm upset about these issues. And I want to help these issues.

I can't tell you how often I've worked with podcasters and one of their sensitivities is heard. That they haven't felt heard in their life. And I think, well, do you think podcasting would be a good avenue for you? Of course, because you love helping people to feel heard, right? That's so much of what you want to do.

And so it's interesting because having done this work for so many years now, you see patterns in the type of people you meet or the type of professions they feel called to. And that doesn't mean that, podcast is the only thing people with heard can do. There are a thousand different ways you can express that, but you start to see why people feel called to certain places.

Damaged Parents: [00:34:12] Yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense to me,

man. I'm going to ask you more questions, but it's not about me today. It's all about you. So. In identifying this, it seems to me too, though, by having your ability to recognize the purpose in other people, it also gives you not really a leg up, but this. Maybe you can get closer to the core faster in some ways to really get to the point of what needs to happen.

So if someone comes to you for, to be branded for their life purpose and some branding strategies, then you're not going to spend as much time fumbling around because, you know, you could figure out and understand who they are.

Mike Iamele: [00:34:58] Yeah. So to be clear here, when I'm working one-on-one with someone, it takes me two and a half hours. So it is, you know, a lengthy process of course, because I'm mapping their whole lives and we do have e-courses and we have. You're actually, if anyone listening wants just like as little sample, we have a worksheet that you can download for free and begin to go through my website.

It's just mikeiamele.com/map, and this little 36 minute training there. But one thing you just had about fumbling around, I think it's really interesting because one, a metaphor I really like to use is most of us live life. Like we are just shooting darts in the dark, right? The lights are off and we are trying to hit that bullseye.

We are trying so hard at that bullseye, but the lights are off. So honestly, Pretty low chance. You're gonna hit the bullseye. But here's the miracle of life. We do hear that once in a while, sometimes things just work out. We meet the amazing person, we get the great job, like something works, but here's the thing.

Even when that happens, we have no idea why or how to repeat it. And that's really what I'm interested in is, you know, mapping, what I say about this work is it's kind of like I'm looking at every time you've ever hit the bullseye in your life. And I'm flipping on the light switch and saying exactly what you did now.

I will be honest with you. I am not the best darts player without alcohol, and I don't really drink anymore. So I'm not a good darts player. However, I know how to hit the bullseye. So I can't guarantee you're gonna hit it every time, just because you know your words. Right. But I can guarantee you know-how and you can practice.

And so if you know, Hey. I am successful and fulfilled when I am heard. Then in your relationship. How are you going to make sure your partner is heard and asked for you to be heard and your business and your, whatever you now know your formula. So you can start practicing more and more. Now I'll tell you people come to me a lot for actually discovering their energies or their sensitivities.

And then there's a whole bunch more of actually implementing it because that is a whole nother beast of how to actually practice these things, because we have so many beliefs that hold us back from being ourselves.

Damaged Parents: [00:36:50] Yeah, so getting finally getting the knowledge doesn't sound like it's extremely hard. The hard part is the work that comes next.

Mike Iamele: [00:36:59] Yeah. Yeah. I mean, anybody I've done this seven years, I've never had a person not know the purpose. That's not the hard part. I can do that for anybody, but you know, I'm not living with people day to day and it's. It is challenging for us to, start like, cause we have here's where I'd like to say it.

It's kind of like, we've all had this experience where we're having coffee with a best friend and hours of flying by and genius is just spilling out of us and it feels so good and nourishing. And then we have those other conversations where it's kind of like, did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing?

What kind of awkward and technical. I always say, anytime we're technical, we're not tapped into the essence. We have no idea what the essence is because that should flow naturally. And if you have success in any aspect of your life, if you've ever had coffee with a best friend, Then, you know what you naturally do successfully, but translating that over to business over to this interview over to whatever it feels really awkward and uncomfortable.

I mean, I'll be honest. I have no freaking idea what I'm going to say next in this interview, I'm just here for the ride, but I know me being vulnerable, me being zany and weird, me being free. These are all things. That I am naturally successful and fulfilled out. And so I want every moment of all of our lives to feel like coffee with a best friend, we were just hanging out.

We were being ourselves because you never have to try to be yourself. If you're trying, it means you're being somebody else. And I think that's really important for me to remember because. All those times, I'm trying to be technical. I'm trying, right. It's really awkward when I'm just showing up. And I'm being the reason that my husband loves me is the reason that my clients love me.

It's the reason that podcasters love me to lose my friends. Love me. I'm lovable as I am for my essence. And if I can remember that and share that with everybody, without all the beliefs that hold me back from it, then I get to live my purpose because purpose isn't the thing out there. It's the thing I feel in here.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:53] Yeah. And it sounds like to me, that even though you know, that there are still times that.

You're you're tried and you catch yourself. So what do you do in those moments?

Mike Iamele: [00:39:05] What do I do? I go right back to, okay. I can feel myself trying, cause I am human. Believe me, this happens more than a few times a day and I say, okay, Mike, what am I feeling? The least vulnerable zany, aligned okay. Why don't I feel I can be vulnerable here. Now, one of the best places I can give you this example is let's say I have a fight with my husband.

Doesn't happen often knock on wood, but let's say it does. And I say, okay, we're in the middle of a fight. And I think, why are we fighting right now? And I'll go through and I'll say vulnerable, Oh, I don't feel that I can be vulnerable enough here. And I'll say to him, you know, Garrett, I don't really feel like I can be vulnerable here.

And I have to really be honest about that because I feel like I'm on the defensive right now. And what's interesting is every time I do that, It changes the conversation because the conversation stops being about the surface level thing we think we're fighting about and starts being about my need and why I'm actually not having a fulfilled.

And he has the blessing of life is that I know his energies too. I know his sensitivities, so I can ask him like, you know, what are you not feeling? Or how do we work on that? And he was a beautiful map. We have a kind of a relationship map, right? Where I am vulnerable. He is safe where I am successful. He is proud where I am zany. He comes alive. So I know that, Hey, the crazier weirder, I am, he comes alive and he starts being fun. When I am like super successful and honoring myself, he becomes proud, not just of me, but of himself. And so this is way that we learn why we fit and how to work together as a team.

Damaged Parents: [00:40:30] And it sounds like you're also taking responsibility for, when you say, Hey, I'm not feeling like I can be vulnerable. You're not blaming him for that feeling. You're just saying, Hey, you know what I'm feeling like, I can't be vulnerable. Let's figure this out.

Mike Iamele: [00:40:45] Exactly. And it's probably equal parts of mine in his right. There's parts of me that like what's going on here that I don't feel vulnerable . Maybe I have beliefs around this. Maybe I feel like you are going to judge me for something. And so it starts to change the conversation and give me new tools.

Talk about what's really going on.

Damaged Parents: [00:41:02] Right. That makes sense because. I mean, even in my own life, I can certainly say there are times where I hesitate on a conversation or there's a conversation. And I think, well, maybe they're doing it for this reason. And instead of voicing that and saying, I don't want to engage in this conversation because I'm worried about this.

That's hard, you know, that puts me in a vulnerable position.

Mike Iamele: [00:41:25] Absolutely. It's so hard. And I just find having the language, it gives us an extra tool, an extra layer to say, you know, I did this work with this crazy guy, Mike, and he gave me these words. And when I'm not feeling right now, is this totally pinned on me, everybody.

That's a great thing to do, but you know, it really does. It helps. It just gives us a little bit of an extra tool and it's not just relationships, like I think, okay. Let's pretend right now, but you asked me a question. I don't know the answer to, so you're like, Hey Mike right now with COVID everything going on, what do people need to know to really support themselves?

Oh, shit. That's a big question. Like, I don't know how to answer that. So I say, all right, Mike, just be aligned, zany, free, unmistakable, successful and vulnerable. So I might say is, you know, Angela, I've got to be vulnerable with you. I don't know, like there's a lot going on in the world right now. And I don't know, but what I do know is aligning with yourself will always be a best path to success, right?

Aligning with who you are, you know, your vulnerabilities and your zaniness, the things that are weird and different about you, the things that are unmistakably you, that's going to, for you to be successful, not just financially, but successful in every way. Now, all I did was take six words, throw a few ands and buts in there.

And there you go, because I know that that's my gift to the world.

Damaged Parents: [00:42:40] Yeah. And I love that because I keep getting this message across podcasts. If you will be responsible, take responsibility for who you are. And now what I hear from you is let me give you the tools so that you can understand that.

Mike Iamele: [00:42:56] Yeah. Well, I think that for any of us who are struggling in life, what do we do? We shame ourselves, right? I know I do it like every time that something's going wrong, I shamed myself. Right. But shame has never been an effective tool for behavior change. Right? The more I shame myself, it doesn't actually work.

It doesn't change anything because there's a reason I'm engaging that behavior. shame isn't an effective tool for behavior change. But understanding always is when I understand what the need is, what I'm trying to get fulfilled, I can make a more empowered decision. And so I always say is, I want to know what my core need is.

We worked with recently, or I was a few years ago now a woman who had was struggling with alcohol addiction, alcoholism, and she had a lot of shame around this. And so we did her sensitivities and one of her sensitivities was the word enchanted. And she, all of a sudden had all these memories of, being a little girl and making floral crowns and playing and fairy gardens having imaginary, friends, all these beautiful things.

And then she grew up and she learned that wasn't appropriate for an adult. And she realized that this moment that as an adult, the only time she ever felt enchanted is when she was drunk. And it was just this moment. That was subtle. But so shifting was, she realized like, I'm not, f-stop, I'm not broken.

I'm not wrong. There's a core need. That's trying to get fulfilled here. And maybe there are other ways for me to feel enchanted. If I try to those, maybe I won't be so dependent on alcohol and she is in recovery, which is a beautiful story. But I think about that a lot because how many times am I doing something I'm like, come on.

Like, why are you being lazy? Why are you doing this? Like, well, wait a minute, like shaming myself, isn't going to work. Why is the real question? Purpose should be able to answer why now, if I use purpose, like it's achievable and aspirational, that doesn't answer why that might tell me like a job. I like one time, but what about my relationship and my job and my trauma purpose has to answer why, if it doesn't, it's not really purpose.

Damaged Parents: [00:44:47] You know, I think it's really interesting. The words you're using in that, for me, I've had, I've shifted even from why. To what's the purpose of this. And all those words were intermixed there and I caught on to it. And when I shifted from why to what's the purpose of this, it became easier not to shame myself.

I'm thinking in some ways you did that without even realizing it because of how you were using the word, why, in your sentence, am I picking up on

Mike Iamele: [00:45:14] Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You are. And you know, I think that that's really what, why is it's about purpose when we want to know the why of something we want to know the purpose, but you're absolutely right. That sometimes we use that as a rhetorical shaming question. Like, why am I such a mess?

We don't actually want that answer. Right. We just want to beat ourselves up there

Damaged Parents: [00:45:32] Right. , you know, and language is so interesting because  you're why and how you were using it was so much how I had to shift for you. It worked in for me, I was shaming myself, right? Like,

it's fascinating.

Mike Iamele: [00:45:48] You bring up such an important point because this is what mapping sensitivity. This is really about. I'm showing my whole hand today, which is that, you know, when we do this process of mapping your lived experience, we ended up with a list of say, 2030 words that describe everything you've ever felt.

We, we started in emotional place and we articulate in language, but then what we do is we actually have to map, and this is where the real mapping happens, how you associate language. So we'll say things like, if you are real are you automatically authentic? Or if you're authentic, are you automatically real?

And we'll realize that we have a map in our minds for if you are this you're automatically this, this, and this. And when we start mapping them, that's how we get down to six words, right? These six words, aren't just six words. The six words that represent 300 that represent a thousand that represent every experience you've ever had.

And so what we're doing is I don't care if your words of Sally, Bob, and Jim, if they are the mantras or portals that can trigger you to every feeling, that's what we want. And so that's really why we call it mapping.

Damaged Parents: [00:46:42] That reminds me of those emotion wheels. That you get deeper and deeper. And as you know, because it goes down into that little thing, you'd get what sad, happy, angry, and then it goes out and there's more description, more description, more description. And so basically you're saying these six core words are at the center of that.

And when you know that and if you can. Pick out the one word for what's happening and then maybe pick one word out of the next one and one word out of the next one. Pretty soon you can dial into what you're really looking for, what you really need.

Mike Iamele: [00:47:15] Exactly, exactly. That's why he just starts explaining things like all the time. I'll be like, why am I upset right now? Or what's the purpose of feeling upset right now to use your language. And I'll be able to kind of drill it back and be like, Oh, I get this. And we also start to, this is where things get really cool.

You know, we will be like, I will say over and over again. Okay. Successful successful, successful now fuel what my body does and then I'll say unsuccessful unsuccessful. And then the next time I out in the world, let's say successful was my stomach opens and I'm unsuccessful as a tightening. Next time I'm out in the world.

And someone says, Hey Mike, do you want me on this interview? When I feel stomach tightening, I now have language for that in tuition. And so we start to develop a language with our bodies of what's really going on.

Damaged Parents: [00:47:55] Okay. So it's yeah. It's understanding what physically that emotion feels like or

Mike Iamele: [00:48:01] Exactly. And then now we have the intellectual language as well to articulate it.

Damaged Parents: [00:48:05] Fantastic, man, this interview flew by

You are super easy to talk to. I love it. Okay. Three things. Our listeners can do go to your website. I'm thinking.

 Mike Iamele: [00:48:19] Yes. Go to my website, mikeiamele.com/map M-A-P. You can download the worksheet and it's a 36 minute training and you're going to be able to map them yourself. It's now I'll be honest. It's not the whole two and a half hours with me, but it's a good free way to get started and to learn a little bit more about this work.

So that's number one, number two, I think for me, it's just say this mantra over and over again, and really remember, you never have to try to be yourself. If you're trying, it means you're being somebody else. And it's so simple, but , for me, it just jolts me back into Oh, right. Like I don't try when I'm with my best friend.

I don't try when I'm hanging out with my family. So why over here something's wrong. I'm not necessarily being myself. And number three, I think today, it's going to be feel your body and feel what you're really sensitive to take a moment today as you're going about, you know, if you're eating a piece of food and you're just like, Ooh, I'm sensitive to rich delicious taste.

Or if you're listening to music, you're like, I am sensitive to really smooth sounds. Just have to use your senses and pay attention to because your body is the thing that is always there and all of these moments of your life. So even if you feel all over the place, I'm going to tell you right now, Every human I've ever worked with.

I've worked with hundreds, maybe thousands. Everyone has felt all over the place. All of us feel that way, but the thing is our body is the connector. So notice what you're sensitive to notice what you're sensing, just take note of that. And very quickly we can start to realize what we're sensitive to and how we build a life.

That feels good. According to those senses.

Damaged Parents: [00:49:46] Amazing. Thank you so much, Mike Iamelle. I'm so glad you've been here today. We'll be posting your links in the podcast descriptions and on the website so that people can easily make it to your page.

Mike Iamele: [00:49:59] Yeah, thanks so much for having me.

 Damaged Parents: [00:50:01] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Mike about how he found his purpose and now helps others find theirs as well.  We especially liked when he spoke of his six words and how he lives by those truths To unite with other damaged people connect with us on facebook look for damaged parents We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.