S2E46: How I Learned to Own My Greatness
Shelita Winfield Duke struggled with getting out of her own way and showing up to share her greatness. She found herself overthinking, comparing herself to others, being inconsistent and indecisiveness; all of which prevented her from showing up as the expert. Basically, it was the feelings of inadequacy that kept me stuck and negatively impacted the growth of my business. She uses this experience to help others find their greatness.
Social media and contact information:
FB and IG: @shewinunlimited
contact info: shelita@shewinunlimited.com
Podcast Transcript
[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were overthinking. Indecisive great people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than. Like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is you. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.
You who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence, to discover your purpose. You are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Shelita Winfield Duke. We'll talk about how she had feelings of inadequacy that kept her stuck and negatively impacted her growth. And how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Shelita Duke with us. She's also known as Shelita Winfield Duke. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram with the tag @shewinunlimited and her contact information or email address. Way easier to say shelita@shewinunlimited.com.
Shelita. Welcome to the show.
[00:02:21] Shelita Winfield Duke: Thank you so very much for having me Angela much. Appreciate it.
[00:02:24] Damaged Parents: Oh yeah. No, I'm I just love one wanting to share their struggle because then I don't feel so alone
[00:02:31] Shelita Winfield Duke: Well, That's the irony. none of us are alone with the struggle.
[00:02:34] Damaged Parents: but it feels so alone. Right? Yeah. Like in the midst of it, it's like, oh, what? I have a struggle. No. and no one in the world at that moment could possibly have the same struggles or that's what it feels like is what I'm
[00:02:49] Shelita Winfield Duke: Right, right, right, right, right. Understood.
[00:02:52] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. So one of the things you wrote was for your struggle is that you struggled with showing up to share your greatness.
Shared your struggle with sharing your greatness, please.
[00:03:08] Shelita Winfield Duke: So when I started coaching, after I completed my coaching certification program, you have this grand idea that you're just going to jump right into coaching, and it's just going to be this wonderful thing, whether it's coaching or any level of entrepreneurship. And then you realize, you look around, you're like, okay, wait, it's not, I'm just not going to jump into this pool and immediately start swimming.
Like there is some work to be done. There are some things that I've still have to learn that you don't learn in coaching courses. And so for me, part of the struggle was my own worthiness was a worthy or was I deserving to be able to serve a women and the capacity that I believe. I should have. And part of that was, are rooted in the fact that I looked around, I realized I didn't have a trauma story.
So many coaches start as a result of a traumatic event, whether it is, domestic violence, childhood abuse, it doesn't matter, but it was started as a result of a trauma event. And I didn't have that.
And so I began to think, well, what do I have to offer?
[00:04:19] Damaged Parents: Yeah,
that would be so hard. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, but yeah,
[00:04:26] Shelita Winfield Duke: I was like, I don't, I don't, what do I have to get? What do I have to offer? What, cause that's not my story. And so what a value am I able to bring to this coaching and environment if I don't have that struggle story. So I began to really shrink back and doubt my own greatness as a result of that.
So that's where my struggle began
[00:04:47] Damaged Parents: So that in and of itself became your struggle was that you had trauma. and now you're in a place where it was. So was it a little traumatizing going through that initial part of, that I'm not good enough? I don't have this story. I mean, did that in and of itself become traumatic for you?
[00:05:08] Shelita Winfield Duke: It became a traumatic in the sense that it caused a lot of self doubt. I was doubting who I am. I was doubting the value that I was bringing. I was doubting my decisions. I was doubting who I was supposed to serve. So nothing that I was putting forth was successful because everything was, rooted in doubt and uncertainty.
And so I learned later on that I was sabotaging my own success.
[00:05:38] Damaged Parents: one thing that maybe I don't, think I've talked about it much on this show. But trauma is not determined by my definition for you. It's actually determined by, your experience. And so I guess what I'm, saying, did that feel traumatic then, or to you? Is that self-doubt, was that traumatic for you?
[00:06:01] Shelita Winfield Duke: It was because it was a new,
it was a
[00:06:04] Damaged Parents: experienced the self doubt before.
[00:06:06] Shelita Winfield Duke: and on top of that, it was at my own expense. So, you know, A lot of trauma stories is because something happened to you. So someone did something to you in your response to that event, you deemed that a traumatic. Experience. So that was your response.
But for me, I was traumatizing my own self.
[00:06:29] Damaged Parents: I've seen.
[00:06:31] Shelita Winfield Duke: So it seemed right. Absolutely. Because I had told myself or was telling myself that I shouldn't be coaching because I did not have that same route. That what appeared to be a lot of other coaches that did.
[00:06:47] Damaged Parents: Right? So then that value, like even yourself value and self-esteem probably. went down the tubes.
[00:06:53] Shelita Winfield Duke: It did. Absolutely. And so that's why I say I wasn't even sharing my own greatness because you can't share what you don't believe in.
[00:07:01] Damaged Parents: Oh, you had lost total belief in yourself, even at that point. So I'm thinking there was, I mean, did you even really understand it first?
[00:07:12] Shelita Winfield Duke: No.
[00:07:12] Damaged Parents: And were there tears and anxiety and other things that were signs maybe that you're able to go. Okay. Yeah, I am. This is my struggle.
[00:07:24] Shelita Winfield Duke: Definitely anxiety, but I realized that I did a lot of comparison, time of perfectionism so That's how those things manifested for me. But in addition to that, I was seeking knowledge from all over the place, which just added to the confusion. And so I was one of those free 99 people.
So everybody that was dropping a free offer, a lead magnet or free challenge free, free, free. I was like, okay, well I need to learn this to make myself. Valuable or I need to learn that, oh, sorry. you, know, I need to learn all of these other things that people were teaching because that's where I was looking for validation, but I learned, and it took me a minute.
I mean, I'm going to say, I learned that lesson quickly, but I learned that all that did was add to the confusion, which made it even more frustrating.
[00:08:20] Damaged Parents: right. So added to the confusion of who you were in, what you were meant to share with people. Is that
[00:08:26] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yep.
Attitude. The confusion of who I am, who I was supposedly talking to what I was supposed to be sharing about what, adding to the confusion of my own greatness.
You know, cause We all have something that we bring to the table. And when you know what that is, and you know who you're supposed to be talking to, it's easier for that person to then find you because they resonate with what you are saying.
But when you're confused and you don't know who you are and you don't know who you're talking to, when you don't know what you're supposed to be saying, then you're all over the place.
[00:09:03] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:09:03] Shelita Winfield Duke: And so there really is no level of attraction because you don't know who you don't know who you're talking to and the person that you are hoping to attract.
Doesn't know what you're saying. It doesn't resonate with them.
[00:09:17] Damaged Parents: Yeah. It's like we're talking two different languages then at that point, because
[00:09:22] Shelita Winfield Duke: so
[00:09:23] Damaged Parents: of the confusion and the lack of ability to, to say this is.
[00:09:29] Shelita Winfield Duke: Hmm.
[00:09:29] Damaged Parents: Where I stand, and this is who I am. And having maybe that confidence.
[00:09:35] Shelita Winfield Duke: confidence.
Clarity Self-esteem, I mean, you can fill in a ton of different words, but at the end of the day, I would say confidence for sure. And that's what I, when I say I wasn't owning my own greatness, that's what I'm talking about. That's exactly what I mean. I, wasn't not owning all of who I am and how I was supposed to be showing up in the world.
[00:09:59] Damaged Parents: Right. So how did you start? Like, if we're at the beginning of the journey and you don't know at this point, what happened for you to realize that that's what was happening? Yeah, I'm going to end there because I want to ask more, but I want to ask more later.
[00:10:16] Shelita Winfield Duke: So my first and probably the clearest sign , was frustration. I was ready to quit. I would just was like, this is at working, I work a nine to five. I was like, I'm good. I'm just going to work my nine to five and just be happy. I was totally frustrated because I knew I had, a dream and a desire, but I felt like I was just stuck.
Nothing I was doing was working. So that was my first time. My second sign was What's the word I want to say. I wasn't consistent and never could really get any good traction. So I'd go live for a couple of days and then I'd stop. I'd post for a couple of days and then I'd stop. I'd send an email out to my audience and then I'd stop.
I started a Facebook group and I post for a little while in that community. And then I'd stop and disappear. Like nothing was consistent so needless to say that obviously added to the frustration, but that was my second sign. And I think the third sign is that I realized that I just didn't. I was just so unclear about what I was doing and who I was as it relates to the entrepreneurship, because I had started to listen to so many other people and take in so much information that I was definitely a consumer, but not an applier.
And so when you take in too much information, you don't know what to do with, and that's where I was.
Those are my top three.
[00:11:46] Damaged Parents: right. So you had this information and this knowledge, but you weren't applying it also.
[00:11:53] Shelita Winfield Duke: No.
[00:11:54] Damaged Parents: okay.
[00:11:54] Shelita Winfield Duke: And not only was I not applying it, I didn't know how to apply it. I didn't know what to do with it. And So.
when you get over information overload, it's not that you've just amass all of this information, but you get information in order to do something with it. You want to learn, then you want to apply it to whatever it is that you're doing.
And then you want to take action while I was consuming, but I was doing no application and I was doing no action.
[00:12:21] Damaged Parents: Mm. So is that what happened next?
[00:12:23] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yeah. so it was probably in that order, if I were to think it through, it will probably would have been in that order, but I'm a very introspective person. Which is works to my advantage because at some point I remember saying, okay, well, wait this, it's not that I don't understand, but I need to take a step back and figure out the who so that I can then do the.
[00:12:46] Damaged Parents: Like who am I
[00:12:48] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yeah. Who am I? Who am I? Who am I supposed to.
be in the marketplace?
And who am I supposed to serve?
[00:12:57] Damaged Parents: And as you started asking that question, what came up for you?
[00:13:02] Shelita Winfield Duke: What I like to have, well, which I, what I have now defined as my power framework, it's what I apply to each. And every situation where I feel that anxiety or that overwhelmed coming. And so it's a power. It's my power framework. The first P is pause and pray. So I just say, okay, stop. Like, I literally literally tell myself, okay.
Let me take a minute, take a step back, center myself, pray and get it, just kind of like, okay, what is the focus and the goal here, because things come at you. So I need to take a minute and then I had , the O is for all my stuff. So I had to figure out what part and this level of increased, overwhelmed, do I play, what did I not say no to?
Did I not set a boundary that I start comparing myself that I started taking into my information that I say yes to too many things or too many people? Like what that, what part that I do and where did I miss the ball
and so the w I had to watch out for the distractions, because like I said, life comes at you fast and furious and not everything is meant for good.
So I had to say, okay, what am I supposed to be doing? What is it that I want to do? And what is it that I can say I don't want to do Right.
now? some things are really are distractions to get you off course. Everything is not for right now. So I had to say, okay, what's the distractions here. And then I had to explore the root, which is the E I had to understand, well, why am I saying yes to all of these things?
Or what am I looking for? What am I getting out of it? Why do I not want to say no? I had to really start asking myself. I ask myself these hard questions every time. So would, is it, that is in me, that is coming out or coming up. That is making me. Stretch mess or that is allowing me to stretch myself too thin.
[00:14:54] Damaged Parents: so really digging to that deep,
that
deeper level. Yeah.
[00:14:58] Shelita Winfield Duke: absolutely. Absolutely. Because there is always a root cause for what you do and for what you don't.
[00:15:06] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:15:06] Shelita Winfield Duke: And
then it was to release the pain. This power is to ours that are released the pain. And so when I say release the pain, I'm like, okay, talking to that little girl on the inside of me, understanding what my triggers are, understanding of why they are still triggered. So that ties in to the exploring their root.
And so once I recognize that, and I realized where that broken spaces and me, I have to let it go and then I reframe the narrative. I have to tell myself, okay, we're not going to think like this anymore, but we are now going to move forward in confidence and in greatness. And we're going to go in this direction because that direction is what aligns with the vision and a purpose that I have for my life
[00:15:44] Damaged Parents: So like shifting the story from victim
[00:15:47] Shelita Winfield Duke: Absolutely to conqueror
[00:15:49] Damaged Parents: yeah.
[00:15:50] Shelita Winfield Duke: to victor or to victor, if a victim to victor absolutely. I have to, I have to reframe the narrative. I have to shift my mindset.
[00:15:57] Damaged Parents: but figuring out what that deeper or subconscious or unconscious thing is it, that is in my experience extremely hard. So I'm thinking you weren't alone on this journey. Like you had some mirrors around you maybe.
[00:16:13] Shelita Winfield Duke: Absolutely. Absolutely. I have what I like to call my squad there are, well, first let me back that up first, I had my husband. I was just start with that, but understanding that everybody that doesn't have a husband hasn't spouses, or definitely mirrors, whether you like it or not, whether you want them to be or not, they are definite mirrors, but don't understand that not everybody has a spouse and a secondary that.
I have a, what I call a squad it's four other women, That have permission to check me, to call me out on the, call me on a carpet, to help hold me accountable, to put me in my place, when I'm going a little left or right. Whichever the case may be,
[00:16:47] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I think too,
A husband, cannot be. our everything or a partner husband or a partner, or even a best friend. If we have that expectation that there are everything we're in deep trouble, because it's not possible.
[00:17:04] Shelita Winfield Duke: Right. Well, as a women, we are very well-rounded individuals. And so we need a will around it foundation. And that's just not one person. So no, it's not just going to be your spouse and it's not just going to be a best friend. Just going to be a parent. There's a team. So I have my husband, I have my squad as a coach.
I have a coach, and so there are multiple layers to accountability for. And to me, no, it's not just a one thing or one person at all, but those are things that I think that women should have in their circle. If you have a spouse, that's wonderful. That's great. If you don't, that's fine.
And that's not the end all be all like you said, but every woman should have women that champion them and that they can also champion that's a critical piece for women.
[00:17:59] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And it's, I'm betting that. When your squad calls you out on something it's done in love and not and in frustration or anger anything like
[00:18:10] Shelita Winfield Duke: No. Right, right. You have to know, you have to learn to have the right people in your corner and so absolutely you want to have people in your corner who are calling you out and love, who have your best interests at heart who are trying to push the mission and a purpose forward and help you carry that.
Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. And I would say that goes without saying, but actually it doesn't go without saying, so you can't just have anybody around you, you have to know who's around you and the things that.
you're asking of them. They also have to be able to see,
[00:18:42] Damaged Parents: Right.
[00:18:43] Shelita Winfield Duke: be
[00:18:43] Damaged Parents: Like.
[00:18:44] Shelita Winfield Duke: one-sided.
[00:18:45] Damaged Parents: No. . Isn't that the great thing though? About relationships?
[00:18:49] Shelita Winfield Duke: Absolutely. They should not be one-sided regardless of what type of relationship it is, it should not be one-sided because then it's not a relationship.
[00:18:57] Damaged Parents: No, then it's a, what would that put that? I don't think that would be a dictatorship. It would just be one sided,
[00:19:04] Shelita Winfield Duke: There would just be one fighter,
right?
[00:19:06] Damaged Parents: be one side.
[00:19:07] Shelita Winfield Duke: But they're taking it, but then you feel like you're being taken advantage of if you're always giving and you're not receiving. And so that's lopsided.
[00:19:14] Damaged Parents: Yeah. That's backward. Yeah. It just doesn't work, and there is this beautiful thing about the dance of any relationship with the gifts and the takes and things like
[00:19:24] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yeah, absolutely. As it should be.
[00:19:26] Damaged Parents: Now was there another R or D get, did I cut
[00:19:30] Shelita Winfield Duke: Nope. Nope. It was re it was a release of pain and then reframe the narrative.
Those
[00:19:35] Damaged Parents: So we did, we did get, just wanted
to make sure I didn't, I didn't cut you off there. I was like, oh,
[00:19:41] Shelita Winfield Duke: No, no, no, you got it.
[00:19:42] Damaged Parents: So with, I mean, coming up with the power, which I think that's a beautiful word to use, because I think a lot of times in today's world women forget that they have power, but the way that you're using power in how you're describing it is very much an internal journey.
What helped you come up with that or recognize that, oh, this is a very internal journey, not an external journey.
[00:20:07] Shelita Winfield Duke: It's a great question. I think, and one of my. Consuming of information. I think that, you read as a coach that, how are you encouraging women to do the work? And people encourage you to have a framework. And I guess in my mind, That's kind of what I was thinking.
I love alliterations and I love acronyms. So it was kind of easy. I won't say it was easy for me to come up with it, but as I sat down and kind of thought about what the journey is, I mean, that's, that's how it came. I mean, I kinda, those were the steps that I take and those are the steps that I take in all situations really, and what I encourage others to do as well, because the journey is introspective.
I mean, because what's inside is what comes out. , and especially in the coaching environment or any entrepreneurial environment, I say that entrepreneurship is a mirror to your soul. What is in will come out.
[00:21:03] Damaged Parents: Or even any environment, if you think about
[00:21:06] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yeah.
[00:21:06] Damaged Parents: Like even if someone's just working, they're not an entrepreneur, but they're in a job. I mean, they're going to have those mirrors around them and sometimes.
[00:21:15] Shelita Winfield Duke: not be so nice.
[00:21:16] Damaged Parents: No, and maybe there's that sense of stuckness. Right. And, they need the job. And so they're going to go and do all these things.
And now I also saw on here that you have a ministry also.
[00:21:30] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yes. But I want to go back for one. We talk about even being at work and that being a mirror, but your children are also mirrors.
[00:21:37] Damaged Parents: Oh, man, don't get me on children.
[00:21:40] Shelita Winfield Duke: Your children are, they are the biggest mirror.
[00:21:43] Damaged Parents: I oh, what's my saying, hold on. Let me think of it. Two seconds. It my children have taught me who I am like
they teach because there will many times be two bad choices or two appearingly bad choices, and I've got to decide and it tells me, where my values are when I make the decision. Yeah, children are hard.
[00:22:06] Shelita Winfield Duke: But they're honest, they are brutally honest,
[00:22:10] Damaged Parents: Perhaps that's one of the reasons we're supposed to have kids.
[00:22:14] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yeah, absolutely. Because that's how you learn yourself. I mean, that's how you learn about yourself.
[00:22:20] Damaged Parents: Oh, I see the, my worst traits and my best traits in my kids. And I'm like, oh, shoot. did what I S you know, like when I see it and I'm like, oh no, did I really did they really? But I think too, it takes a strong person to be able to acknowledge that it's their trait that they see. That's the trigger that that it, that is that near that's that becomes the trigger, because I think it's really easy, especially with kids.
When called out instead of to look inside and go, Ooh. Yeah, I see that inside of me sometimes. It's like, how dare you
[00:22:58] Shelita Winfield Duke: right, right.
[00:23:00] Damaged Parents: more often than not probably it's out dared, not anymore, but.
[00:23:04] Shelita Winfield Duke: I mean, you figure, I am over 50 years old and every time when I'm a father and I have a conversation and I'll say something, he just started to laugh and he was like, yep. You sound just like me.
[00:23:16] Damaged Parents: But isn't it great when the relationship gets to that point with a parent and the child can say something that maybe is a little bit painful and it's just like, yeah. Okay. You know, Like, yeah. Like I don't like it, but okay.
[00:23:34] Shelita Winfield Duke: It's true.
[00:23:35] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I don't like that, but I've learned to, I don't know. Maybe now I don't know about you, but like finding the humor in the moment of, and like we're laughing now.
That's probably more what I would do now instead of shrink back, you're like, oh,
[00:23:49] Shelita Winfield Duke: But that's what owning your greatness is all about because it's being perfectly I mean, owning your greatness is a really all about owning all of who you are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, the flaws, the great things, everything it's about loving learning and accepting. That's what owning your greatness is all about.
I'm not perfect. And I stopped trying to be perfect of a while ago. I can't say a long time ago, but a while ago because you know what, I'm not perfect and I've made and continue to make not great decisions. And that's fine. I have to own that. And then I course correct. The key is to learn, not to stay
that's the key and that's, part of owning your greatness. It's knowing who you are, loving and accepting all of that. That's what it's all about.
[00:24:41] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And when you said learn, I don't know why this exactly came up, but maybe it's because even personally we have to learn like, people used to say, forgive them, forget that same. And someone told me a long time ago. No, it's forgiven learn. And I'm kind of thinking along this journey, some of that happens inside of us too, like individually in order to find that greatness or that.
What you're talking about, maybe part of that is, is forgiving like that. We aren't that perfect person that we think we're supposed to be.
[00:25:16] Shelita Winfield Duke: Well, forgiveness, doesn't start with the other person. It actually starts with you. Okay. It starts with self forgiveness because I don't believe that you can forgive anybody else until you forgive yourself.
[00:25:30] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:25:30] Shelita Winfield Duke: And the two might be unrelated. Like I might have to forgive myself for X and then forgive someone else for why, but I can't forgive the other person.
For whatever that situation was until I learned to give and extend forgiveness to my own self, because I can't forgive someone else without forgiving myself. So for me, that's what I believe in. So it is, it's also about forgiving yourself and forgiveness as a whole. And you know, so when you segwaying into the ministry, you ask about their ministry.
So yes, I absolutely. I have a ministry every year. I hold an annual women's conference that is for entrepreneurs, professional women and ministry leaders. And we talk about a myriad of things. But I started in. And the vein of forgiveness. So that is always at the pillar of a wet I do. So she went unlimited.
It's built on the pillars of faith, forgiveness and fortitude
But that's what you want unlimited is built on faith, forgiveness, and fortitude. It's having the faith to believe a heart to forgive and the fortitude to expand anything that comes your way. That's the pillars. That's the foundation of it.
[00:26:38] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And is that I think, when you say those words, what that reminds me of is just that self doubt, being able to love, like, just bringing it back to love, because I don't think any of those things you could do without also being love
or embodying love.
[00:26:54] Shelita Winfield Duke: right? Well, you have to embody, so you talk about ministry God is love. And so you have to, we receive his love and in order to give love we have to be able to receive love. We have to embody love. We have to be love we have to exude love and forgiveness is a love, self love, and love.
of others
[00:27:13] Damaged Parents: yeah. Yeah, what's beautiful. I'm just thinking of. when, because I had this question come up I can't remember. I think it was, I had posted something about being love and then, talking about living in the shame or, or something like that, and then understanding, but the idea behind it was that, It's our job to be love.
And we can either come from shame and anger and frustration and all of those things. Or we can come from love and I had someone post this comment and I'd be interested to see what your response would be. And it was that basically that sometimes you can't because even if you are showing compassion and love towards one person, someone else decides that that love and compassion isn't valuable.
And then they're angry about that loving compassion. So I would be interested. What would you say in that situation?
[00:28:06] Shelita Winfield Duke: I would say that everybody has a personal decision and people are going to act and respond the way they want to. And I'm only responsible for governing myself.
[00:28:13] Damaged Parents: Yeah.
[00:28:14] Shelita Winfield Duke: And, and if I say that I am rooted in faith, forgiveness and fortitude, and that is wrapped up, that is a love wrapped up with a bow on it. And there you go, because I can't allow someone else with a behavior choices, decisions to impact, to alter what I choose to do.
[00:28:34] Damaged Parents: Yeah,
[00:28:35] Shelita Winfield Duke: So I've released my own guilt, hurt, shame and defeat. I'm not picking up anybody.
[00:28:40] Damaged Parents: right. Yeah, if we pick up that other person or we worry about what that other person is doing, then we're literally picking up they're things. And we're taking them on as our own,
instead of just worrying about how we're going to be. So if we choose to come from love, then it doesn't matter , where the challenges we've already made our decisions.
So it's super
[00:29:04] Shelita Winfield Duke: Correct?
Correct.
[00:29:05] Damaged Parents: It sounds like you really help women get there.
[00:29:08] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yeah, that's what the goal is. You can't sit in a seat for me,
[00:29:11] Damaged Parents: No,
[00:29:12] Shelita Winfield Duke: As, I'm sitting here looking at you. And I see my picture, on a screen, you are sitting in your chair, in your space, and I am sitting in my chair and my space. You can't come through this phone and sit in the seat for me. You can't walk out my life.
You can't do that. It's not possible.
[00:29:34] Damaged Parents: No, it's
[00:29:36] Shelita Winfield Duke: So . You're not picking up my bags and I'm not.
picking up yours. If I sit in the seat, lean back with my legs crossed, and that's how I sit in my seat. And you sit in your seat the way that you choose to sit in your seat for whatever works for you. That's how life is I have to live life.
The way that I feel is best based on my values, my morals, my beliefs, my upbringing, my experiences, and the same for you. No, I'm not picking up how anyone else chooses to live. I've had enough confusion in my life, but I'm not picking up anybody. Else's.
[00:30:16] Damaged Parents: So if someone is struggling with that confusion right now and they're listening or they're just, yeah, I'm going to just leave it at confusion. What would be the top three tools or tips you would say, maybe think about this, right now. Because, like you said, we're not picking up anybody else's bags and we can't tell them exactly what to do, but we can't give them some ideas.
[00:30:38] Shelita Winfield Duke: Right. Right. So my three pieces of advice would be this in no particular order. I just made a post about this on social media today, this out, I don't know, five questions that you would want to ask someone interview just with the five questions. It could be more if you have them, but that's fine.
Let's just say we start with five as the magic number and ask yourself those five questions. Interview yourself, because you have to believe in your own greatness. We do not toot our own horn enough at all. So sometimes when we have to remind ourselves about our successes, excuse me, in our accomplishments and the best way to do it is to really talk about that.
So I said, interview yourself and go look that over, write down your answers and look that over. And you'll be reminded of how dope you are. That's one thing. The second thing would really be to Own your stuff You have to accept responsibility for your own choices, decisions, actions, comments, words, all of that. So you need to own your stuff.
You need to understand what your triggers are. So you have to do that deep self work. That will be the second thing. And the third thing I think would be to learn to love but not just love, and to accept who you are. Good, bad, and ugly.
[00:31:54] Damaged Parents: Yeah,
love and accept who you are. Good, bad, and ugly. I love that. That's so beautiful. It's so beautiful.
[00:32:01] Shelita Winfield Duke: That would be the three.
[00:32:02] Damaged Parents: Thank you Shalita for what a great interview. I love it. I'm always intrigued, especially when it's like, okay, I'm not sure I understand that struggle when I read it. And then I come on and we have this fantastic conversation and it makes sense, right?
I love those interviews because it's, they don't happen very often. And what I'm learning is. It's beautiful. Like everyone has a struggle, no matter what. And sometimes it happens early in life and sometimes it happens late in life and we have no choice or control over that.
[00:32:38] Shelita Winfield Duke: And it happens multiple times in life.
[00:32:40] Damaged Parents: Yeah, right. Again, that's for sure. I won't deny that. Especially if there's kids involved.
[00:32:45] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yes, indeed.
[00:32:46] Damaged Parents: Thank you so much for being on this show. You can find.
[00:32:50] Shelita Winfield Duke: Absolutely.
[00:32:50] Damaged Parents: you can find Shalita Duke. @Shewinunlimited on Facebook and Instagram and her email is shalita@shewinunlimited.com. Again, thank you so much for being on the show. Do you have any
[00:33:02] Shelita Winfield Duke: Thank you.
[00:33:03] Damaged Parents: comments?
[00:33:04] Shelita Winfield Duke: Yeah.
I have two last comments, if it's okay. I'll share it a website because I don't know if I put it down. It's it's the same. https://shewinunlimited.com is the website. And secondly, you have a sign on your wall that says stay curious, which I absolutely love, because if you stay curious about who you are, which you do.
Who you be as a coach friend of mine says who you be understanding exactly who you are. If you stay curious about that one thing, you will then understand that concept of owning your greatness, because you will have any other choice, but some of who you are.
[00:33:36] Damaged Parents: Wow. You just leave us with all kinds of beautiful little tidbits today.
Thank you for that. That was really beautiful. And I'm glad that the sign is on my wallet helps remind me too. And I think you, the way you said that was really a great way to describe staying curious, because even like when anger or frustration or whatever shows up, I can be just be curious about it.
I don't have to fix it. I don't have to change it. I don't have to do anything.
[00:34:06] Shelita Winfield Duke: You don't even have to, own it you can just be curious about it
[00:34:10] Damaged Parents: Exactly. Yeah, it's beautiful. Oh, thank you so much, Shalita.
I'm going
to end
[00:34:16] Shelita Winfield Duke: appreciate it. Thank you so much,
Angela. I appreciate it.
[00:34:20] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents.
We really enjoy talking to Shalita. We especially liked when she explained how she struggled with owning her greatness. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on Instagram look for damaged parents We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then
