S2E23: From Frightened Boy to Enlightened Man

Nick Demos is a Tony Award Winning Producer, Documentary Filmmaker and Personal Brand Business Coach.
With over fifteen years of teaching breath work and creativity as well as thirty years in the entertainment industry, he has travelled from the Tony Awards to ashrams and run a multi- million dollar business in between.

He has elevated 1000s of creative business owners from start ups to 8 figure brands from the inside out. Nick’s offerings include courses and coaching programs, creativity retreats, one-to-one energetic coaching sessions, and Done with You Documentaries that share the story of your personal brand.

Social media and contact information:

www.thenickdemos.com
On IG, TikTok, Facebook @TheNickDemos

Podcast Transcript:

[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the relatively damaged podcast by damaged parents where injured, fun, vulnerable people come to learn. Maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than. Like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self. I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage. Maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it.

There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose.

These are the people who inspire me. To be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero, Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children.

This podcast is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here were strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Nick Demos he has many roles in his life. Teacher, artist, mentor, friend, husband, creator, coach, and more. We'll talk about how he found himself in an abusive relationship with a significantly older man. And then thought he might have aids and how he found health and healing let's talk

Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Nick Demos. He is a Tony award winning producer, documentary filmmaker and personal brand business coach. He's got over 15 years of teaching breathwork and creativity as well as 30 years in the entertainment industry, he's traveled from the Tony awards,

to Ashrams and run a multimillion dollar business in between. You can find them at https://thenickdemos.com he's also on Instagram tik-tok and Facebook with the same tag @thenickdemos. Thank you for coming here today.

[00:02:36] Nick Demos: Thank you so much for having me today.

[00:02:37] Damaged Parents: Yeah, in fact, I had been checking out your website and I think I decided that you were I'm going to see if I say this right again.

Cause we were talking about a little bit beforehand. Bodhisattva.

[00:02:49] Nick Demos: You're right on. Well done.

[00:02:51] Damaged Parents: Yes. And that is a warrior of the heart, right?

[00:02:56] Nick Demos: Yeah. Warrior of the heart? I mean, that's a loose translation. But yeah, that is, and I was shocked when you said that, because I think. Shocks is maybe not the right word, but I was, I'm excited that you said that because I think that that's sort of my mission in life is to be a warrior of the heart.

[00:03:12] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And how do you, I mean, cause I know you're here to talk about a struggle and we will get to that how does being a warrior of the heart show up? And what does that mean?

[00:03:22] Nick Demos: Well, I think it's actually directly related to my struggle.

Because I overcame so much. I think that it asked me, called of me to open myself up, open my heart to others. A warrior of the heart is a way of being, it's a way of walking in the world, with compassion and kindness for others, but also for the self, it begins with the self.

And if you can cultivate. That compassion and that open-heartedness and acceptance really of who you are, the self-actualization processes, the process of letting go of who you aren't to be, who you actually are when you can really surrender to your truth, to who you are, you then are able to offer that same open-heartedness to those around you.

And in many ways, shine a light for them so that they can then do it themselves so that they can lean in to their own compassion and their own love of their own self.

[00:04:23] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Now when you were learning to lean that way, what I'm just going to ask real quick. I've got to know. Was it scary?

[00:04:32] Nick Demos: Incredibly scary. It's still scary?

Every day is scary.

[00:04:36] Damaged Parents: I just had to ask before we get into the journey.

[00:04:40] Nick Demos: Know this is why people often call it a practice right. We think of, maybe a yoga, yoga practice or a meditation practice as sitting down right. And sitting on a cushion And meditating for 20 minutes or going to the yoga class. But really this is what we mean by a practice is that every day stepping into your fear every day.

Coming up against your ish and sitting in it and allowing yourself to have these feelings and yet still stepping into it, still doing it, even when it's scary, especially when it's scary, when it's scary, it means you are on the precipice of that, breakthrough. That's meant for you.

[00:05:19] Damaged Parents: right. And with that probably comes confusion and heartache and disappointment sometimes. And

you know, all those.

[00:05:26] Nick Demos: It's not easy. This is not an easy path. Right. But then I asked myself, was it at, was it, or is it easier to sit in the pain? You know, Sometimes we get comfortable in that we get so used to it, that it becomes normal. But the fact is, is that when you work through it, when you go through that, through the transformation, the alchemy, right.

We have to bring fire into that's when the transformation happens. And on the other side of it, even though it's still scary on a daily basis, it's nowhere near as scary as being in the pain and in the hurt.

[00:06:00] Damaged Parents: So I think what I heard you say was that sitting in that pain and hurt. It's not fun. And yet, I think sometimes in the Warrior's journey, it's walking through that desert where it feels like that is all, and yet there's still something on the other side to get to. So it might feel like that's it, and yet getting to the other side, you find there that, that it's not all there is like, there's this fog.

Yeah. So it's real easy to sit back. I think what you're trying to say, let me see if I'm understanding is that it's really easy to stay in that fear. Stay in the pain and suffering and not walk through it. Does that, am I making

[00:06:41] Nick Demos: Yeah. I mean, on one hand, it is right on one hand, it's easier to stay there. And yet it's So much harder once you actually step through it, right. To stay stuck. But we don't realize that when we're in it. We don't realize that actually everything that you desire is on the other side of that. pain of actually feeling it. We have everything we can to avoid feeling Right, And staying sort of stuck. But what we actually desires on the other side of that dark night of the soul.

[00:07:14] Damaged Parents: So feeling those feelings is really important and walking through them. And then when it starts to feel maybe weird and awkward, it's keep going because otherwise you're going to stay back here and sit in it.

[00:07:29] Nick Demos: Yeah.

[00:07:29] Damaged Parents: Okay. And I think that's a hard sell.

[00:07:32] Nick Demos: Oh, it's a very hard sell.

It's not for the light of heart, right? It's not a quick fix either. I think we live in a culture. We marketed to ultimately a culture of quick fix and quick fix is temporary. It's not lasting and sustaining. And so yes, you may get that quick fix and you'll feel good for a moment but lasting contentment because we're not actually looking for happiness. We think we're looking for happiness, but we're not looking for happiness because happiness is fleeting. I can feel happy and sad and angry And pissed off and excited within an hour stretch. Right. What we're actually seeking is a contentment within ourselves.

[00:08:10] Damaged Parents: And that's that comfort.

[00:08:11] Nick Demos: Yeah. that's something that takes time. It doesn't happen with a quick fix

[00:08:15] Damaged Parents: no. I love that you brought up the quick fix because I see it everywhere in our society. With commercials and if you feel this way, just go do this and you'll be fine. Just by this and everything will be hunky-dory, with medical stuff, if you just take this medication, everything will be fine.

And at the very end of the conversation, or you might die, like.

[00:08:38] Nick Demos: Nevermind this list of 50 side effects and you might die, but this is the best way this pill is the best way to fix this.

[00:08:49] Damaged Parents: Right. So then that mentality, I mean, you made such a great point. How could it not seep into all aspects of our life? and then we wonder why kids are struggling in school and why there's this, big mental health challenge. There's I mean, cause now there's not even any silence.

[00:09:09] Nick Demos: and silence is so important daily silence with is, is important because how do you know who you are? If you're just constantly bombarded at the core of who, of your center, that the heart that we go again to the heart at the heart of, of your being, if you're not connected to that, how do you know who you are? And we keep ourselves.

Surrounded by this distraction of sound. And this is why I think the pandemic was very difficult on people for many people because suddenly they weren't going and going and going suddenly there wasn't the noise and they actually had to be with themselves and quiet and they didn't know how didn't know how.

And so mental health. A struggle for many because of that.

[00:09:55] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Now I had asked you a question before we started recording about characters in plays and things like that. And I can't remember exactly how I asked the question, but what we were talking about is how every single character it was something about being. Recognizing that every single character in a play is also out in this world.

And I think you had said something to the effect of that you learned some self-awareness from that.

[00:10:23] Nick Demos: Oh completely. I mean, every, Musical, every play, every film that I've worked on, I've had the it's, it's the study of, human psychology, the study of the human spirit. And So I've learned, and there's a little bits of each of us in every character, right? We are, if we are all things, if you look at it in that way, where the microcosm of a greater macrocosm and the film or the book or the, movie or that play or whatever, Is that little microcosm.

And so I've learned from every character about myself. If I, if you choose to, you can learn, everyone can be your mirror.

[00:11:00] Damaged Parents: So you're saying every single character is inside. All of us.

[00:11:04] Nick Demos: Correct. There's a part of them. There's a part of us in every character now, however, morally right or wrong. Cause that's judgment. There is a part of us because we are all, part of the same collective. Ultimately, you know how you can meet somebody. That you've never met before and you're like, oh, I have so much in common with them.

Or you may think I don't have anything in common with that person, but then if you dig a little bit deeper under the hood, you go, oh, okay. Actually we do have X, Y, or Z in common. Oh, I do think like that or, oh, Hmm. That's interesting. That person challenges me. And if they challenge you, they're really for you right there for you to look at something within yourself.

[00:11:46] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I think you're going to love, I was challenged with a random reminder app recently. So I, we, the, the idea was set a random reminder and ask yourself, what character am I playing right now?

[00:11:59] Nick Demos: Mm.

[00:11:59] Damaged Parents: And I was cracking up within two hours because of course I had set plenty random reminders that what I thought only other people were was, what they would do.

That it had no longer been inside of me and for crying out loud, it was all of it inside of me. So I just started laughing because I'm like, of course it's inside of me. Why would I think any different?

[00:12:22] Nick Demos: I'm conversely, we, play characters in our own life. There's different parts of us that we show to different people.

[00:12:29] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And we don't think about that.

[00:12:32] Nick Demos: We don't think of it in that, those terms. We think we're just, we're, we've been conditioned in many ways to act certain ways in certain situations. And and so do characters in plays and and movies.

[00:12:43] Damaged Parents: Wow, you know it, and I think that was also part of that lesson was I'm also playing that same character.

[00:12:51] Nick Demos: Yeah.

[00:12:51] Damaged Parents: Which is exactly what you pointed out. Okay. We've been slacking off on our tasks to talk about how you overcame the shame of sexual abuse, but I love our conversation. I have a feeling we're going to round back to it.

So no worries. Could you share with us what that struggle was like for you?

[00:13:09] Nick Demos: So I was a very sensitive kid. I grew up in first rural Montana, and then in a small town in Northern Michigan, we moved when I was 12 and I was a very artistic kid. Clearly, I mean, that's sort of thoughtful and all of those sensitive and I found a community theater and in that theater, was a solace.

It was a what, what felt like a. Safe place or space for me as a very, as I said, what felt like very different child, because you?

have to remember, this was the 1980s. I was a dancer. I danced ballet and tap, but I was really wanting to be an actor. And, that just wasn't that just wasn't done in small town Right. I was to be playing football and I was to be, one of the guys, right. And here I was this, like I said, super sensitive kid. And I was basically looking for somebody to accept me. And it came in all the wrong places in all the wrong places. And now in retrospect, I can look at it and say, oh, you were groomed from the time you were 12 years old.

And it, over the course of the next several years I began a sexual relationship with this man who was at the theater. And I have to say I at the time, I didn't understand, obviously I couldn't understand. That this was actually abuse. I thought that I was being loved. I thought that I was being seen, those key things , that we all want in this world to be seen, to be loved, to be heard.

And I was receiving that in a very, obviously wrong way, which I couldn't see at the time. Of course I couldn't. Now, it was also in the middle of the aids crisis. And I found out that through him that he had been exposed to HIV and I was now 16 years old. Turning 17. Cause I remember my 17th birthday, I spent the day in the mirror looking for lesions on my body because a part of me knew that if that showed up, I was going to die.

And I also was too scared to tell my parents to get a test. I thought my father would kill him. I really did.

[00:15:30] Damaged Parents: Well in back in the eighties, I don't know if teenagers had as much freedom to go to like a clinic or

[00:15:37] Nick Demos: We did not. I could not, I could not get a test on my own.

I would have had to have had a parents permission

[00:15:43] Damaged Parents: Right.

[00:15:43] Nick Demos: and I didn't feel like I could tell them. And so I felt like I had this sort of ticking time bomb waiting to tell me when I was going to die. Basically.

[00:15:54] Damaged Parents: Were you terrified?

[00:15:55] Nick Demos: I was beyond terrified. I was scared every day, every day of my life.

and I really did just to stand in front of the mirror and examine every part of my body looking for any sign or when I would get a cold, I would flip out a little bit internally, but too afraid to tell anybody

right.

[00:16:17] Damaged Parents: yeah, and in the eighties it was, that they're coming to the schools, they're talking about aids and it's very much it was very scary to even, I mean, it was almost like they were trying to scare us cause I'm aging myself, but that's okay. Everybody, I think knows scare everyone in that age group, into just abstinence period.

It wasn't even about safety at that point.

[00:16:41] Nick Demos: Right.

And. ' cause aids equals death.

[00:16:44] Damaged Parents: Right.

[00:16:45] Nick Demos: That was even a slogan aids equals death. And so that lived, that hung over me. So I had this one two sort of punch of sexual abused and then realizing when this happened, that this could cause my death. And then also during that time, sort of beginning to realize that not only was it wrong, but that I had been taken advantage of my heart was hurting

 now. Thankfully when I did turn 18, I went and was tested and tested negative. And that was really a profound release of all that fear and all of that, that trepidation about what had happened to me. I I, I can't even describe how relieving that was.

[00:17:33] Damaged Parents: I have a really, I think it's an interesting question, but by living in that fear of I might die and I can't even share that I have this fear. And then having that relief, do you think that by having that relief, in some ways you were able to be more courageous in achieving goals and things like that.

[00:17:52] Nick Demos: Without a doubt. There's two parts of this one is that when you're faced with death, that young you become fearless. And second. I had so many secrets that I between I realized I was gay during that period, which is why I was seeking companionship with a man, even though it was in all the wrong places. I had a secret that I had been sexually abused and I had a secret that I thought I had aids for a couple of years.

So between all of that, I not only became fearless because when you face death and you're like, I made it through. You go. But I also began to try to become the best boy in the entire world. I became this overachiever. That was my drug. That was my way of coping. Was that I wasn't gonna let anybody see. I was masking all of this pain and I didn't want anybody to see it.

And so I became a crazy overachiever and I ran. I ran as far away as I possibly could. I ran to New York city, my move to New York at 19 years old with a suitcase $800. I knew two people and I'd never been there before.

[00:19:01] Damaged Parents: Oh, that takes some serious courage. If you asked me.

[00:19:05] Nick Demos: and I also had grit, big dreams. I had Broadway dreams, Broadway aspirations. But because yes, because of. That I was fearless.

[00:19:13] Damaged Parents: Now because of the secrets and the hiding and things like that, is that what led to, I mean, you were already in theater a little bit, but did it help give you a deeper understanding? And did you look for that in other people? To understand them more because of the,

[00:19:32] Nick Demos: I think at the time I was in such denial. And in so much shame and still secrecy, all of this happened and I was still holding all of these secrets. And I do think that I immediately felt more compassion for people when something would happen to somebody who did everyone comes to?.

[00:19:50] Damaged Parents: yeah.

[00:19:51] Nick Demos: Yeah. Yeah. I was everyone's therapist until I realized that I needed therapy myself.

[00:19:56] Damaged Parents: Now they just naturally came and

[00:19:59] Nick Demos: They were naturally coming to me because I wasn't judgmental of anybody. Everyone knew that I would have absolutely no judgements about them because I was so judging my own self for everything that had happened to me. But I could hold the space and the compassion for others in a way that I couldn't for myself.

[00:20:15] Damaged Parents: Oh, wow. So probably even strangers would walk up to you or you'd be in a weird place and they just would talk to you. Probably I'm

[00:20:21] Nick Demos: Absolutely.

[00:20:22] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:20:23] Nick Demos: It was uncanny. Honestly, you know I was just like holding that energy, obviously out for people to be attracted to.

[00:20:30] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:20:30] Nick Demos: But I also, was holding out sort of a victim energy. I got mugged in New York twice once at gunpoint, and I think part of that was I was so vulnerable. And so in that space that I was bringing it, drawing it to me in many ways.

And that sounds kind of strange and maybe a little woowoo, but I think what it was is I was just so open was easily taken advantage of.

[00:20:52] Damaged Parents: Gosh, that's interesting. I was just so open. I was easily taken advantage of, and yet here I was, I heard you say, I was maybe sending out the vibes of I'm a victim, and yet these people were coming to you and you were supporting them. And all of that seems very in my mind um, some cognitive dissonance there.

Right? So

[00:21:14] Nick Demos: Totally

[00:21:15] Damaged Parents: paradox.

[00:21:16] Nick Demos: completely. My entire life was a paradox here. I was incredibly successful because it happened. My career happened very quickly. I was on national tours. I was dancing at radio city. I was a backup dancer for Aretha Franklin. Like I had this very seemingly external success and my internal life. I was a mess.

I was nervous all the time. I had stomach issues. I was scared all the time. I had an exact anxiety, I was beyond stressed.

[00:21:46] Damaged Parents: I love that you're talking about this because when. I used to see people on TV or in shows or whatever, even though there was all this um, what do you want to call it? National Enquirer type stuff about different actors and actresses and things like that. I think everybody's an actor now, right.

[00:22:04] Nick Demos: Yeah,

[00:22:04] Damaged Parents: Okay. See, I'm getting my PC on here

[00:22:07] Nick Demos: I hear ya. I hear ya.

[00:22:08] Damaged Parents: and, and showing my age, but that. In those that they were, they couldn't have those challenges because otherwise they wouldn't be there. And that is just simply not true.

[00:22:20] Nick Demos: It's so beyond not true, like majority of them have as many, if not more challenges than anybody else. Right. That part of the reason that I think this, you alluded to this earlier was that you're able to. Understand pain when you have it. And you're able to express it through art when you have it, which is why there's this narrative of the tortured artist, because they do have a sensitivity.

I'll a lot of them to that type of behavior or those types of situations, because a lot of them have lived it, which is why they have a great, well, not. Not at all. That's a very big generalization, But yes, there is. There is that, there's a reason. There's the stereotype of the tortured artist.

[00:23:06] Damaged Parents: Right. But I think in, in like acting and filmmaking and things like that, that learning who you are as a character and those roles, like we were talking a little bit about those character, the characters we play in our lives or in our relationships and things like that. But I mean, with that deeper knowledge, But you were secretive.

Okay. I know I'm not finishing my sentences.

[00:23:29] Nick Demos: This took me years to process as well. So therapy process, all of this. So I totally understand that. You're like, oh, but wait.

[00:23:42] Damaged Parents: Yeah, yeah, no. And I think it's great that there's a I I'm okay with that. I am totally okay. With processing on a podcast.

[00:23:52] Nick Demos: Yeah.

well we're complex human beings and my way, the way in which I dealt with it and the way in which it manifested in me, it's totally different than in somebody else.

[00:24:01] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:24:02] Nick Demos: No, my abuser abused two other people, to my knowledge. I'm sure there are more, but at least two and one of them is in prison for passing it on, it's a learned behavior, right.

And, you're, you're taught how to do it. And then a lot of people continue the cycle and the other became a a drug addict And I I've often thought, how, how did I make it? How did it manifest like this in me? How did it, how did it become perfectionism?

[00:24:32] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:24:33] Nick Demos: And while perfectionism is health, much healthier, I'm not going to lie.

I I've had a very successful life. It had its own toll in it's own way.

[00:24:42] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And it's kind of interesting that you say healthier. I say, I think in some ways, maybe more socially acceptable.

[00:24:50] Nick Demos: That's what I meant, not necessarily internally healthier, but for, for society, it seems healthier.

[00:24:57] Damaged Parents: Right. Yeah, because I mean, if society were just a little bit different and, and being a sex worker was, I know this is a big jump and, but let's say that was an acceptable behavior in, in our society then, then, and perfectionism was not, maybe it would be free, you know, I don't

know. I mean,

[00:25:15] Nick Demos: right. No, I thought I have thought these questions

[00:25:18] Damaged Parents: Yeah, I'm glad I'm not the only one that, that goes down those rabbit holes of, oh, what if it was that way?

[00:25:25] Nick Demos: What if life were like that? Yeah.

no, I've really explored all of that because in order to sort of heal these parts of myself, I've had to look at all the spokes and all of my questions and really reconcile how I managed. And I was a survivor. Ultimately, they, they say you're, you're, you're a trauma survivor or you're this survivor, but it's a coping.

It was a coping method. And it served me until it no longer did.

[00:25:53] Damaged Parents: And you found that out in the very, I think I was reading, you were getting an award or something and you felt numb

[00:26:00] Nick Demos: Yeah,

[00:26:01] Damaged Parents: was that really the turning point? That moment

[00:26:03] Nick Demos: it was really the turning point. The pinnacle of my career after being a performer, I went on to direct and produce and at the sort of pinnacle place of my career, I'm on. They're announcing the Tony award for best musical. And I'm part of the producing team. And Bernadette Peters opened the envelope and it was for the show Memphis that I was involved with.

And I remember that moment so clearly because it was, this is it. This is it. Is this how this is supposed to feel? This

[00:26:32] Damaged Parents: Like you were waiting for it to be some big,

[00:26:36] Nick Demos: was waiting for the big bang I was waiting for that feeling of, I finally made it, I did it. I'm, whatever I was waiting for that.

[00:26:43] Damaged Parents: Let me ask this,

[00:26:44] Nick Demos: Yeah.

[00:26:45] Damaged Parents: you might laugh at my question, but is it similar to, you're an adult, but there's never like this moment that says, oh, you're an adult. Like, you graduate high school, you graduate college. And it's like, I'm still the same. Person, like looking around, I'm still the same person.

I was two minutes before this happened. Is it kind of, was it

[00:27:06] Nick Demos: Yes, very similar because it was, I thought this would feel differently. I thought all my problems would be solved.

[00:27:15] Damaged Parents: Like if you just acquired

[00:27:17] Nick Demos: Yeah. I've got that,

one thing. If I just got that, then I'd be worthy.

[00:27:21] Damaged Parents: oh, I'm so glad you're talking about this because how many times have we have I thought, right. How many times hope probably the listeners too, because if you, and I think it probably most, if everybody's inside of us in one aspect or another,

[00:27:37] Nick Demos: We've all had some version of this.

[00:27:39] Damaged Parents: yeah.

[00:27:40] Nick Demos: and that's really when the work began when I had to really dig in because when all of your dreams come true and it's still not enough now, what.

[00:27:50] Damaged Parents: right? So you finish up the word ceremony I'm sure. And you go home

[00:27:56] Nick Demos: well,

there's parties first and events. And I mean you know,

[00:27:59] Damaged Parents: I mean to me, that's finishing up every note.

[00:28:05] Nick Demos: and then, yeah, and then it became this period of, well, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

[00:28:11] Damaged Parents: Was it lonely and fusing?

[00:28:13] Nick Demos: It was lonely in the sense that everyone around me was so happy or seemingly happy and I wasn't, and I felt a lot of shame and guilt about that as well. How come this isn't making me happy, but I didn't realize.

And that, and that was the beginning of that process really. Or maybe, I had done therapy work before then, and I'd been practicing yoga and meditation before then. So I had some awareness, right. This wouldn't have happened without that work. That self-awareness, but what I really, that moment was, oh, this external validation is not going to make me happy.

So I really have to turn inward and figure this out and dig a bit deeper.

[00:28:51] Damaged Parents: You know what you're reminding me of those, like Keegan's stages of development. And that fourth and fifth stage that not everybody gets to. And I don't think, I think you're right. Like maybe it can't be achieved without that introspection, without that quietness.

[00:29:09] Nick Demos: The quietness. that we're talking about,

[00:29:10] Damaged Parents: Yeah.

[00:29:11] Nick Demos: and it's why I'm such a firm believer in quietness and why I have a daily practice, which is really what precipitated. That shift for me was I connected with a teacher and really began diving deep into my studies. And he gave me what is called a Sadhna, or a daily practice.

And each day I would step onto my mat and practice some Asana yoga posture is what we know is yoga in the west. Some breath work meditation. And sit and be with just myself.

[00:29:45] Damaged Parents: When you're sitting in this, is part of that teaching really just learning to listen to your internal voices.

[00:29:55] Nick Demos: Learning to listen to the internal voices.

learning to honestly be okay and whatever feeling you're in and allowing those emotions to flow through you, but not get stuck in them, allow yourself to feel and allow it to go pass through just like in meditation, the thought comes in. We notice the thought, but we don't attach to the thought and we let the thought go. People often think of meditation as stopping your thoughts, but it's not about stopping them. It's about. Pulling back a lens and seeing them for what they are and allowing them just to be, to be okay with them.

Good thoughts, bad thoughts, rather than naming it. Just notice them as thoughts. And it's the same with your emotions. Feel the emotion, because otherwise you're stuffing it down. Right. Which I did for 30 however many years, that was right. Feel them And then allow them to pass.

[00:30:47] Damaged Parents: And in allowing them to pass. I'm thinking about how some of those feelings are just beyond uncomfortable to sit with, not to sit in, but to sit with. Right. I think maybe there's a difference.

[00:31:02] Nick Demos: is a difference.

And, and part of that is part of the reason why I highly suggest a therapist or a teacher or a coach or somebody to guide you through because there are times when it feels so overwhelming. For instance, I had repressed some of the first abuse, like I knew, but I didn't know all the details.

And through this work, The details began to flood back. And I remember very specifically, I was in a hotel in Austin, Texas, and I went to take a shower as one does. And the, there was something about the water hitting me that I suddenly had a flashback. And that was the first time I'd had these flashbacks and I realized it was the flashback was of that first abuse.

I had flashes of exactly what I was wearing and the, the reason that the shower hit it is because I went, I felt so dirty and guilty that I went home and took a long, long shower and so that shower brought it all back. I almost passed out in the shower, but thankfully, because I had somebody I could call. Right. I had a lifeline. I was able to get on the phone with them and they were able to talk me through breathing and talk me through, being in my body and all of the things that were necessary. So having somebody that can help guide you, I think is really important as you uncover trauma

[00:32:35] Damaged Parents: well, and I'm thinking that's not the last time something arose in you. you needed to reach out and say I'm struggling with, so it, wouldn't what I think I'm really getting at is that meditation is not a fix

[00:32:49] Nick Demos: No, it's a tool. It's a tool to help, but it's not a fix in itself

[00:32:55] Damaged Parents: yeah.

So what would be the top three things, top tips or tools that you would recommend to anyone? I think anyone who's experienced trauma or struggled in any way.

[00:33:08] Nick Demos: Number one is breath work. Number one is breath work. And the reason for that is that we take 21,600 breasts per day. On average per person. It is the only thing that you need in order to live. The only thing you can go without water, you can go without food. For some time, you can, go without the company of people for some time.

What you cannot live without is your breath. the breath is expelled out of the body. You are gone. It is that powerful. And consequently that power controls our nervous system. And your trauma is stored in your nervous system, ultimately. So when something, and I, not only for people with trauma, this is for anyone.

When you are faced with something, if you can learn to control your nervous system, you can control your reaction. And when you can learn to control your reaction, you can learn to control your thoughts and what you can learn to control your thoughts. You can learn to control everything and by control, I don't mean hold onto it too tight.

I mean, manipulate. And so learning the power of the breath, because when you're in an accident, what's the first thing they said to you breathe right? Because you

hold it, hold it learning to be able to breathe through something.

[00:34:17] Damaged Parents: Instead of, I think what, what is coming up in my mind is instead of fighting against it, like when, when you're in pain, if tensing up actually makes it worse for us relaxing

[00:34:29] Nick Demos: Correct. And when I said that I came out of that shower and I sat down and I breathed and I took a phone call. I, to help me, the breath was the first thing, because again, I was nearly passing out because I was holding my breath and so by being able to have this tool of breathing through the pain, breathing through the moment, it's really just a moment that we forget that sometimes this too shall pass.

There's a reason we say that it's a moment, a moment in time, and being able to learn how to manage that breath it's a life changer. So that's number one. That's the number one tool I would I would say. And second is really to learn, to watch your thoughts, that mindfulness awareness piece, just by learning to notice your thoughts, they automatically begin to shift. You don't even have to do anything just by bringing awareness to them they began to shift and move.

[00:35:24] Damaged Parents: You saw me kind of chuckle quietly, as you said that, because I thought of how someone said, try and figure out what your next thought is going to be. And as soon as I start looking, there is nothing.

[00:35:37] Nick Demos: Yeah. Good luck. And third moves some sort of movement because we store energy in the body. We store trauma in the body. Maybe it's dance, maybe it's swimming, maybe it's running. Maybe it's writing, move your body in some form or fashion each day. And that combination of those two things we'll offer you a significant shift

[00:36:00] Damaged Parents: yeah.

[00:36:01] Nick Demos: And I'm not saying that the trauma or the abuse ever goes away, it's layers. Right. I recently had a moment where, where I was really triggered after all these years in all the work that I've done on myself and I had a triggering moment and I realized, oh Yeah.

Okay. That's interesting. There's still a layer there.

And I get to explore that now. That's how I look at it now is, oh, I get to I get to it.

[00:36:26] Damaged Parents: Your first response was, oh, that's interesting. It wasn't like, oh, here it comes again. I'm in trouble

[00:36:33] Nick Demos: Yeah. Thankfully I've moved, moved through that because I don't know that phase of, oh God, here it comes again. I'm never going to get through this. I'm never always should nevers. Right. And, but thankfully, I'm now at a place where I can look and say, oh, that's interesting. How cool that I get to look at this.

Darker part of myself or a part of myself. I haven't really wanted to look at up to this point.

[00:36:56] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Fascinating, Nick Demos. I'm so glad you came on the show. Remember you can find him at https://thenickdemos.com also on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. It's the Nick, N I C K Demos, D E M O S. Thank you for being here.

[00:37:16] Nick Demos: Thank you so much for having me.

[00:37:18] Damaged Parents: Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Nick about how he is truly a warrior of the heart. We especially liked when he spoke of stepping through fear and what's on the other side teen night with other damaged people connect with us on instagram look for damaged parents We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see ya then