S2E14: Healing Postpartum Depression
I am Liz Coalts owner of the Anxious Adult, LLC. I help smart and overwhelmed adults manage the anxieties of business and life through goal setting, prioritization, strategy and system implementation. I am not a medical professional, but I openly share stories of my struggles with anxiety and depression so that others feel less alone. I hold an MBA, am a certified Online Business Manager (OBM) and soon to be certified Project Management Professional. I am originally from Albany, NY but currently live in Raleigh, NC with my husband and 2 kids.
Social media and contact information: www.theanxiousadult.com
www.facebook.com/theanxiousadult
@ecoalts-Twitter
@lizcoalts
Podcast Transcript:
[00:00:00] Damaged Parents: Welcome back to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents. We're anxious, overwhelmed, loving people come to learn maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damaged self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side, whole.
Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Liz Colts. She has many roles in her life, mother, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law sister-in-law cousin, niece, and more. We'll talk about how becoming a mother threw her into a tailspin and how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome back to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. Today, we have Liz Coalts owner of the Anxious Adult, LLC. She helps smart and overwhelmed adults manage the anxiety of business and life through goal setting, prioritization, strategy and system implementation. She's not a medical professional. And yet she is sharing her story openly about her struggles with anxiety and depression and helping other people feel successful.
Thank you so much for coming onto the show today, Liz,
[00:02:30] Liz Coalts: Thank you for having me this is exciting, I haven't done a podcast interview in a few months, so it's good to get one back in .
[00:02:36] Damaged Parents: Now, is there anxiety beforehand?
[00:02:38] Liz Coalts: So much. I was like, okay. I even logged in a few minutes early, cause I don't want to miss it. And but yeah, I was like, I'm excited. I'd like these they're always so fun, but I was, really like nervous today.
[00:02:49] Damaged Parents: Yeah, was it Kelly McGonigal. I think . There's a difference, like as far as stress between anxiety and. Was it the anyway, the negative impact of anxiety is basically how we choose to look at it. And so what I heard you say is these are really fun and I was still nervous. I'm envisioning you doing like those get ready for a game, you know, move in your body and stuff.
Are you doing that?
[00:03:12] Liz Coalts: Well, then it kept like checking the time because I didn't want to be late at all. Even though I knew that I wasn't going to miss it, I have it on my calendar. And I was doing.
some work this morning and I'm like okay. I'm like, I feel like I'll be able to do work till 11 o'clock, but then I'm just gonna be.
Distracted if I, in that like hour leading up to it, so I'm like, I need to focus and then we'll make sure nothing to my teeth, even though it's podcast.
[00:03:31] Damaged Parents: Well podcasts or video or audio now. So, it could go either way. You never know. We might post it also on YouTube. We're still figuring that out. so like when did anxiety start for you or when did this journey really start for you?
[00:03:47] Liz Coalts: I would say there's like a difference of when it started and the awareness of it. So my, I guess, just story I didn't realize that I suffered from anxiety and depression until I was about like 14 months pregnant with my second daughter 14 months pregnant. My first daughter was 14 months old and I was pregnant with my second.
I had extreme post-partum depression following my first daughter's birth, but I hid it. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't know what I was feeling. And I thought I was this horrible monster. But it wasn't until I finally admitted I needed help and started in that process of, seeking help being on meds, being in therapy, talking about what I'm feeling that like looking back, I realized I've probably suffered from anxiety and depressive episodes my entire life,
you know, definitely from my teen years on now that I understand what it is and what it feels like and what it looks like, I just didn't know when I was a teen
[00:04:39] Damaged Parents: and that is not surprising, right? I think a lot of times we don't know until we know.
[00:04:46] Liz Coalts: Right.
[00:04:47] Damaged Parents: If all's we know is what's happening inside of us, then how are we supposed to know if there's no one teaching us? Hey, this is what that is. I mean,
[00:04:57] Liz Coalts: Or that you're not supposed to feel that way. Like that's necessarily, you know, like I'm like, this is just my body in this hypervigilant, like stressful state constantly. Like I didn't realize that my body could feel different. I remember I take meds and that's do everybody's journey is different with how they approach their mental health.
But I remember the first time I noticed that the Prozac kicked in Oh this is how I'm like, instead of being like up here all the time, I felt a little more level and even, so it was being on meds. I could tell them when I was getting anxious and I could tell when I was coming out of that calm, well, I guess I won't say normal, but you know, a more relaxed or more or less, vigilant state.
[00:05:36] Damaged Parents: So it's almost like you could feel your feelings, you could tell what the difference was.
[00:05:40] Liz Coalts: Right. Exactly. And that's just been fine tuning it since then. So, I mean, we're talking now, my youngest is nine. So we're nine years into this journey of really learning and really just fine tuning. Like I can tell now, like if I start to get really like mean, or like miserable that that's probably my anxiety starting to peak so that when I get to that point and I'm like, oh, I need a time out.
Okay. I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm a little, I'm anxious and know I'm feeling I'm getting there. I need to take some time out so that I can get back to myself center myself.
[00:06:09] Damaged Parents: Right. But like in, instances like today where you're a little worried or nervous about coming on, the podcast has been a little while since you did one. And, so what was like your self conversation at that point?
[00:06:21] Liz Coalts: I know, I like it. I know I love doing them. So it's like, you have to. Like I would say like, I'm nervous. I'm just nervous. Cause I haven't done it in a little while. I know I'll be happy. I did it when I'm done and that I wouldn't be happy when if I canceled or something like that at the last minute, then I wouldn't be happy.
So it's like trying to stay true to yourself. And like I just talked myself out of it or at least the like nasty things that the anxiety says or like loops in your head, like saying no, that's just that. Keep going forward. And, it's hard sometimes depending on what it is, but I try to focus on either taking the half steps or taking the, little steps of just trying to continue on with, even with, it's easier to crawl under a blanket and just stay there,
[00:07:00] Damaged Parents: Well, it sounds like. you just are staying away from the I'm not staying away from, but you know, you'd rather, have a disappointment than live disappointed. So it's okay, this anxiety is coming along. So now I'm going to, this is what I'm going to do now,
[00:07:15] Liz Coalts: Yes.
[00:07:16] Damaged Parents: even though there's this anxious, un-fun feeling, or disregulating feeling that's happening, that you probably don't like, right.
[00:07:25] Liz Coalts: No, I don't like it. And that's it's kind of a that's what's been a lot of this journey. I would go from, I remember, cause I've always been very type A very high achieving and there will be times when like my anxiety would get so high and I would leave it unchecked. And I wasn't, taking care of myself that I would just think like, I need to stop trying to achieve.
I need to have some mindless jobs and just take things out. But then that wasn't me. I was like denying a part of myself. So I decided I had to start to learn to live with this better and just accept that it's part of who I am. I know in the beginning I was like, I'm gonna lick this depression, anxiety thing in, you know, six months won't be out of it, you know, I'll, get over it, but it's not, I had to accept that it is just, it's part of how I'm wired, how I'm built, and I need to manage it so that, because I don't like being.
Anxious feeling. I don't like it. Nobody, I don't think anybody does. And especially now that I know the difference between being in it and not that I have to take steps to try to minimize the times I'm feeling like that. Or take stock of what's going on in my life. That might be triggering it a little bit or things like that.
[00:08:28] Damaged Parents: So it sounds like you almost have to look around and be like, okay, I'm feeling this way. Is there a reason for this or is it just my anxiety getting the better of me? Like you have to start asking yourself questions.
[00:08:42] Liz Coalts: Yes, it is. I definitely, I use a lot of self-reflection of cause a lot and there's times where I'll be like, oh my God, I'm so anxious. And I can't like, like immediately can't pinpoint it because I'm starving because it can be that little bit of I have that feeling and it's just, I'm starving or I'm really tired.
But also a lot of times I'm like, oh, okay. I feel like I've got a lot piled up all of a sudden, or I'm avoiding some things and you know, it's hard also to then say, okay, I have, all this to do and, address like the underlying feeling that's causing it.
Like yesterday I went down to me this whole list of all these, like all this client work that I have to do. Cause I was like, I don't want to do it. You know, I was just, I felt like it was so but once I just wrote it all out. And I was like, ohh. Yeah.
it's a long list, but I could start prioritizing it.
I could, I'm like this could go off to could delegate to some other people, things like that. And I think that if you can get out of your head and recognize that once you make a plan. or once you like start it ends up being okay.
[00:09:38] Damaged Parents: Right. I think that the most interesting thing you said is in some cases you wanted to avoid. Or you use the word avoid. Right. And so when you're in that space of feeling like I need to avoid this, how do you shift? Do you just have to keep stepping forward? What, do you do.
[00:09:54] Liz Coalts: I have to dig in and like sometimes so like totally use the example from yesterday. Like I knew that I had all this stuff and it wasn't organized and I didn't know how to attack it, but I went and I went and laid on my bed. Like I did like a child's pose on my bed for seven minutes. I'll set a time because I'm always nervous that like, if. Like go lay down, you know, and that doesn't help anything like I'll fall asleep and then it doesn't, you know, I'll take a nap and just want to really avoid everything that doesn't help the problem, because I know I have this work to do. I have to support my business. I have to, support my clients.
I want to as well. So it's like, I give myself a minute to tightly. Okay. I have this 7 minutes where I'm going to just clear my head. I'm not going to be scrolling through my phone. I'm not going to be doing anything. I take that time to center myself. And then I usually I'll make deals with myself. Cause like what, I did yesterday, I was like, okay, I'm going to make the whole list.
I'm going to see what needs to get done. And I'm gonna do work actively for two hours. And then I can switch to something else and what like nine times out of 10 happens. Like by the time I get to that two hour, I'm fine to just keep going. You know, It's more of the mental, like to just get started is what is really the hard part.
So like it but it is you still have to bring yourself to do.
it, to bring yourself, to get started and then build that momentum.
[00:11:04] Damaged Parents: So once you start, cause you said after two hours, you might just keep going, but do you have like a sense of peace once you start? As you start working on like that first little thing, does it kind of release the anxiety?
[00:11:17] Liz Coalts: Yes, because I feel like I can see I'm making progress and I'm also, it's almost like I've taken what's the word I want to say. You know, So the overwhelm, the anxiety?
all that is like this big, like scary thing, but then you're starting to just show it in the true light of what it is.
I think, cause I think when you're so much in your head pieces of it, aren't true or you're like catastrophizing it or you're like, blowing it out of proportion. So when I take that small step, I start to see, okay, I've got this. I am making some progress. Maybe it's not as bad as it seems, then you start building that positive momentum instead of that negative anxiety, momentum building up of the overwhelm.
[00:11:51] Damaged Parents: I love what you're saying is reminding me of what a friend of mine said, something like, they're gonna look like they're the dogs and it's the gate of hell. But as you pass through, they can't do anything to you. You're just have to walk through it. And they're really these little puppies that just want love,
but looking at it is so terrifying.
[00:12:11] Liz Coalts: Absolutely. And I think that's so much of it is you just have to take that. And some sometimes taking that one step just to start is the hardest piece. Especially when I, if I like also in a depressive episode or went later, like taking that step. Like it's you just can't. So it's not an easy thing, but when I know that I'm in just regular anxiety and that anxiety and depression, it's not funny, but you know what I mean?
Um, I'm like, I always laugh like
[00:12:38] Damaged Parents: What's the will tell us, what's the difference between just having anxiety and having anxiety and depression, or what was the difference for you? Or how did you see it show up for you?
[00:12:45] Liz Coalts: So it started, I think the anxiety is always there, but , what, I've come to realize that, when my anxiety goes unchecked, like when I'm not managing it, paying attention to it, then it's almost like the. anxious voice in my head that is saying the mean nasty things to me or to, you know, then that just really just starts to beat me down.
And I know I'll fall into a depressive episode. So what I see the main differences for me when I start to recognize that I may be even coming into a depressive episode or full on depressed, is that I don't want to do anything. I am sleeping all the time. I can't take those steps or I'm having more days where I am having to pull myself out and really, really try.
You know, I remember like when I was working at, in an office there'd be times where I would just sit in the shower and just, I couldn't bring myself to turn the water off because I just knew that it had to be the next step and then getting dressed and then everything just seemed so heavy.
Whereas if I'm just feeling anxious, I'm usually I get a little like I don't know how to say it, but like just, I'm all like crawling out of my skin. That's how I feel when I'm anxious. So. I can perform, I can act. But I'm not feeling good. It's feeling frantic. It's it feels uncomfortable inside to me.
[00:13:57] Damaged Parents: Right. So the, so your brain is busy with these nasty thoughts and maybe you're feeling. I don't know, you keep moving your hands around a lot. So I'm thinking there's a lot of like energy that comes with the anxiety and with depression, you said heavy and just like you, you kind of curled in or so I'm trying to figure out with both of them together that how.
I want us to really show in words what that looks like when both of them are happening at the same time. So maybe.
[00:14:30] Liz Coalts: Like, I can visualize it. Yeah. When, like working in an office. So when, like when my kids were small and I was working in an office and I, had, you know, a really high, stressful job, I knew that I had to go to work cause I had to pay my bills. I have to, you know, all that type of stuff and I have to perform.
The depression would be like the slogging so it would be in the morning, like if I wake up in the morning and the thought that I have a thousand years ahead of me in one day until I can go back into that bed. So then everything is a chore. So It's exhausting to turn the shower, water off, to step out of the shower, to drive into work, to muster up like you're spending all that energy mustering up just to like get into, but then at the same time, I'm so worried and overwhelmed that I'm not going to perform. That something I said in the meeting earlier is going to completely derail my career, or because I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I misinterpreted what somebody said or looked at me or, you know, my boss wants to meet it.
at 3:00 o'clock it's of course he's going to fire me.
Of course. So that is the, like how they both showed up at the same time for me and, it's just exhausting by the time. Like, I, there were times
[00:15:37] Damaged Parents: sounds
like it.
[00:15:38] Liz Coalts: when my kids I'd fall asleep, like on the floor, like after dinner and while they were playing with, well, you know what I mean? Like you just because I was, I lived to go to sleep, you
[00:15:46] Damaged Parents: Yeah, with the depression and then the anxiety just probably sounds like it exhausted you even more.
[00:15:51] Liz Coalts: Right. And it's hard cause like you can't see it, so , I struggled, especially in the beginning when I learning my diagnosis and everything that I was like, but there's nothing wrong with me. You know what I mean? Like, why am I so tired? It's hard to wrap your head around it yourself, which I also think, you know, cause it is it's invisible, but it is so physical, so physical.
And I think that took me by surprise. I think Early on
[00:16:13] Damaged Parents: That depression and anxiety was invisible and that it impacted you physically
[00:16:19] Liz Coalts: That has physical effects. Yeah.
[00:16:21] Damaged Parents: And the physical effects for you were exhaustion, it sounds and then the jitteriness when it's just the anxiety, so beyond the medicine, how did you start to notice these behaviors or what happened there as far as like tools and things like that?
[00:16:35] Liz Coalts: When I ultimately decided to get help, I had a very scary incident with giving my daughter a bath. So that's when I was just like, there's something wrong you know, and so, I finally admitted, like I was having terrible intrusive thoughts and things like that.
I started with therapy. That's why I started going weekly, seeing a therapist, starting to work through what was going on and the thoughts I was, and then trying to get behind, what I was thinking and why I was thinking it and, or how I was feeling. And after about a couple of months, I was referred to start meds.
And that's a whole trial and error journey of itself to that, getting the dosage right. I did end up hospitalized at one point in the psych ward, like three months after my daughter was born. You know, so like it's, it was this whole, it was, it was a mess for a while.
Right. When my kids were really, really little, But so it was continued therapy. It was continued meds, but it was also a lot of that. Self-reflection trying to take stock of what is going on and what is feeling like, taking a so like let's say at work. For example, like when I would be all like
, they're going to be mad at me. Then we fight, like having that like logical voice and a lot of times it's my husband. you now well he's like, did they say that to you? Like, No, why do you think that like asking the why behind things? Because once you can, and that's a practice too, that is a practice to be able to, take yourself out of that nasty, anxious voice or whatever, and ask the why behind it and start to get into that.
you know, I've also found that, if I am drinking a lot of alcohol, a lot that it, peaks my anxiety. If I don't get outside, at least like once a day, things like that. If I'm not taking care of myself, it's harder to maintain, not being anxious. it's a lot of different things
[00:18:14] Damaged Parents: So do you schedule self care then in, into your day, like purposefully?
[00:18:19] Liz Coalts: like I do, I'm good and bad about it. , there'll be times where, like I was doing yoga like once a week, every week. Um, I'm not right now, but one thing I kept is that like I do a float tank every month. I absolutely adore it. I know some people find it claustrophobic, but I absolutely adore it.
That's mine. And the biggest thing I think Is that I've been kind to myself with the routine that I'm putting in place. So like I'll wake up in the morning and yeah, there's a thousand things to do. But , I let myself sit on the couch and have a cup of coffee instead of getting right into that, like rushing around or just like diving into things.
I let myself have that time. And so I'm, and I'm also working on setting boundaries too, with my time that like, I'm only gonna do client work during these hours and, you know, so that it stops bleeding into everything.
[00:19:04] Damaged Parents: Is that hard with the anxiety and stuff too, to set that boundary , and then do the self care.
[00:19:11] Liz Coalts: It is if it's a journey that I am learning right now, because I've been on my own, for, I'd say about a year now, and I'm really, really trying to now like, as I've seen the year and like I've been discovering like what I like and what I don't like as far as just client work and figuring out what I do, but It has been because I feel like, because it's me, because it's my business.
I had to be always on. I had to always be responsive.
[00:19:35] Damaged Parents: So I think what you're saying too is so if the phone rang after hours, you picked it up because you had to be on, so then you on 24/7 almost.
[00:19:43] Liz Coalts: And I don't need to be that's what I'm discovering I don't need to, you know, I need to be. Firmer with myself in, no set a boundary boundaries and stuff that was never really into an area that I needed a lot of work in so that, it's not surprising that that's what I'm, focusing on struggling with now.
You know, Just what hours are mine and what hours are not mine, you know, like that is, you know what I'm trying to do.
[00:20:04] Damaged Parents: I think it was Dr. Cloud who said something like boundaries, give other people the freedom to make a choice. I thought that was wise. I was like, okay. because without it, what am I doing?
Gosh, you have so much good impression. You've been so good at talking through what it felt like. What would you say are some of the tools that you use that you find the best besides giving yourself a timeout or maybe include that? I don't know. What are some of the best tools that you found for you?
[00:20:35] Liz Coalts: So it is. Learning how you're feeling. Really learning what the different things feel like and accepting what those emotions are. Like. I think I just had a history of always just, beating everything down. So tuning into yourself, however, that looked If you, say, okay, pause, what am I feeling?
I am feeling anxious, and then asking why that self-reflection looking inward to try to learn yourself better. I think the self-awareness piece of it has been the biggest piece that helps me manage it. Cause in the beginning, it was so hard.
I wouldn't even know I was anxious till I was like going to have a breakdown, now I can see it just bubbling up a little bit. and that's when the little things like taking a time out or just even just verbalizing it it's been big in my house. My family I'm saying like, I'm feeling anxious right now.
I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I need a break or I can't do this right now. My kids do it now, too, which is it's so weird. Cause I have such guilt because I had such issues when they were small and infants that, you know, obviously didn't know, but now they're so open about how they're feeling and if they're struggling and it's an open dialogue for them, so they won't have to wait until they're 27 to get it figured out.
But I think also it's like the real basics of things, sleep water, get like move stretch gives, even if it's like five minutes okay, you'll work for 50 minutes, you know, take a strap and take a break. That's not the phone. I think the phone is one of the, like scrolling through your phone and Facebook.
I think that is one of the like, I'm guilty of it. But that's one of the things where that's my next thing is I need to lock it in a drawer for the day or whatever. it produces a lot of anxiety for me. If you get back to the basics of, getting sleep, getting in bed at the same time, every night drinking a lot of water and all it gets, they seem weird.
But if I'm drinking a lot of water, I'm not drinking extra coffee, which is getting me,
[00:22:23] Damaged Parents: Okay. I have a question. Like managing the depression and anxiety with kids and that type a personality. So has it been hard to give them room to be human and to have those emotions or has it been easy? And do you have that conflict that happens inside of you with letting them have it when sometimes it probably feels like, no, but you need to do this now.
[00:22:49] Liz Coalts: Yeah, it is very hard. I will not say that it is easy at all, but I like, I appreciate that. I have The perspective, if that makes any sense. Because I think, you know, a lot of parents like I know I am reacting as a parent based on how I was raised and things I know, but also trying to incorporate
things that we've learned as society has grown, you know? so it is, yeah, like a lot of times, like my one daughter she has anxiety. So, you know, it's a open conversation at our house, but we can see her getting all wound up and we can see her getting all in her head and that, because they're younger, they don't always take the like, chilling your own for a little bit, you know? so it is, it's frustrating. Cause I know it would help you. I know, but you also have to let them learn. Like it's, hard. it's hard to see that too. If you would just do that, it would be easier on you, but I think that's what anything in parenting.
[00:23:39] Damaged Parents: The way he said that reminded me, have you ever seen that video with the nail in her head, the gal with the nail in her head. So it's on YouTube and I think that's , might be similar to the title and she's like, I just have this really bad headache. She's talking to her boyfriend or something.
or her partner, we'll just say it that way. And there is literally a nail, like stuck on her head. He's like, but I just want to be heard, you know, and they finally work it out at the end and then they go to hug and she's like, oh,
[00:24:07] Liz Coalts: Yeah, I was just trying to say, if you take this
[00:24:10] Damaged Parents: So how do you stay away from doing that? Trying to solve the problem and helping them learn.
[00:24:17] Liz Coalts: it is, I'll go back to what my mom, you choose your battles. And that is definitely. It, and I tried to you have to keep yourself in check, which is also difficult. But I try to talk so much and I let them, I let them lead a like, you know, with like, where I think that they're going or needing, if they're talking about an issue they're having.
And so I let them lead and like respond to what theirs, but they also try to ask questions that will get them to think about a different direction without trying to accuse or push or what do you think of that? Like Ask them things like that, you know, like, how do you think about how, you know, your friend was behaving?
Does that feel good? Or, you know, or I acknowledged their feelings a lot too, like I know that doesn't feel good. It's really my daughter, no wonder I was just starting middle school. So it's fun, you know, I'm like, I know it doesn't feel good, but you did the right thing.
I'm just ignoring what they were saying. You know, Like it's, it's a mix of acknowledged tell them it's okay. You know, Because to her it's life right now, but I know that in middle school,
[00:25:11] Damaged Parents: Oh, yeah, it's hard.
[00:25:13] Liz Coalts: And they'll get through it, you know,
But she doesn't want to hear that. You know, She just wants her feelings validated and.
[00:25:19] Damaged Parents: Yeah. Yeah. I think that's great. It's like learning to allow them room for that and not fix it. And yet it's still so very hard, you know, just if you would just take that nail, just take it out right now, you know?
[00:25:34] Liz Coalts: Yeah. You don't want her to Leave the house in a Huff and like go up to the bus that, you know, and then I'll just, I love you. And then like in, 10 minutes when I know she was, and I'll just text her, love, you have a good day. Cause it's I always want her to know both of them that like, I'm here. I love you.
I know you flipped out and you didn't behave the best way, but like I'm always your constant me and your dad you know, we are always here We were constants. We love you, we're with them as they're figuring it out. So hopefully they feel that we're with them and not against them, but I don't know.
[00:26:00] Damaged Parents: So it sounds like even when you say you're anxious or if you have a time where you maybe say things that aren't very helpful, it sounds like you're coming back to the family and being like, Hey, this wasn't cool. If me, I wish I would've done it differently. That's not what happened.
Help me come up. Or let's all come up with a plan for what we can do next time is what I think I'm hearing.
[00:26:19] Liz Coalts: Yes. That was exactly what you're hearing. That's been something we've I think consciously put in place the last couple of years of like, I remember reading something about you're human it's okay to let your kids see that you're human, but also like apologize. You know, like If I did something wrong like, you know, absolutely if there were times where I like snapped and yelled at them, wherever I'll come back, like I didn't handle it the right way.
You know, I shouldn't have done that. Or like, I was feeling really overwhelmed when we were at the mall and there were a lot of people and I wanted to leave, but I didn't say that. And I should've said what I wanted at the time. You know, We have those conversations when it's not in the heat of the moment cause I think that's when you can reflect and that's when, I think it might absorb a little better too, for all of us.
[00:26:59] Damaged Parents: Yeah. You said something that triggered a thought in me. I let them know what I need, or sometimes I don't let them know what I need. And that's actually really important is expressing what my needs are. And I'm thinking, is that something that you learned as you went through therapy and you started working on this as expressing your needs also?
[00:27:21] Liz Coalts: But that, that is something that I've only learned. I want to say in the last, even five years that like really working on expressing what I'm feeling, what I need and the why, and like being okay with saying those things. So Yes.
That's a newer thing for me. I'm not always the best at it, but I think we're working on it as a family, which is kind of nice without it being a family thing, so I, but I liked how we're setting our kids up and , we're all working through this together.
[00:27:46] Damaged Parents: Yeah, it sounds like you're really helping prepare them and looking at it from your perspective, maybe to a little bit from what I gathered is that we're all always going to be learning and growing and therefore let's do this as a team and let's do this together.
[00:28:01] Liz Coalts: Yes, absolutely. Like That wasn't consciously what did, but that's exactly. That sounds exactly right. know? Cause we're team you know, like that's what we are and like, I want us to be this way. You know, Obviously life will be up in its ups and downs and whatever, but you know, if I feel like our job as parents is to
give them the best chance they can, with the experiences we have with what we know with what we've learned and, we want them to flourish. We want them sending another window, flyway, birdie. And if, you're learning things, as you go, you're showing them that it's also okay for them to learn. And obviously as kids they're learning everything all the time, but I think there comes a point too, where people can get stuck in their ways and not learn and grow. Stay curious as I see behind you, like that is absolutely
[00:28:42] Damaged Parents: Yeah. I keep that there as a reminder to myself to stay curious. And then actually what you can't see is my question. How will I be surprised today?
[00:28:51] Liz Coalts: Oh, I like that too
[00:28:52] Damaged Parents: Yeah, because life is surprising. like Okay, let's do something real quick. Can you, are you okay if we do something real quick,
[00:29:00] Liz Coalts: Yep.
[00:29:01] Damaged Parents: There might be some silence.
It's going to be okay. Try, figuring out what your next thought is gonna be
[00:29:06] Liz Coalts: It's me thinking what I'm going to tell you.
[00:29:10] Damaged Parents: But can you figure out what the next thought is without putting a thought there? For me when someone said that to me, all of a sudden my brain just got quiet. And I just was waiting.
[00:29:21] Liz Coalts: Right, because you're not putting it there, like Right.
[00:29:27] Damaged Parents: So now I'm starting to use that as a tool.
[00:29:30] Liz Coalts: Is it, does it help with like, I could see it with like, trying to like, not necessarily meditate, but at least just clear your mind for a little while. Cause I know that's always something I struggled with. So that might be a good tool to
[00:29:41] Damaged Parents: yeah, I think with the anxiety, with the running thoughts especially I don't know if this happens to you, but like the rumination or the constantly having the same thought over and over and over again. So as soon as I put that light on it, of looking, then it it's gone all of a sudden I can't find it.
So it just, I think it just is interrupting that habit
[00:30:02] Liz Coalts: Takes an power away from it.
[00:30:04] Damaged Parents: Yeah. And I only recently just learned it. So it's just a new tool for me. That is like, oh, okay, let me try and find the next one, because if it's coming, you know, within with anxiety and panic, I'm sure you've experienced it too. I can retrigger with just the thoughts I'm having.
[00:30:22] Liz Coalts: Yeah.
[00:30:23] Damaged Parents: Pop in the same thought and the same thought and the same thought. So now with that tool, I can, at least, if I look. and I know that experience that it just does disappear. Right. That even if it pops in, I'm like, dude, you just put that there. You know, Like in my own mind, I'm like, oh yeah, I just I'm responsible for that one.
[00:30:41] Liz Coalts: I love that. Thank you for that. It's a cool, I'm like I'm excited to jump in and try that in my regular, because it's a simple thing too. I think that's what, like you can do it just anywhere sitting any, you know, like
[00:30:53] Damaged Parents: Nobody will know, like on those TikTok's , or the Instagram reels, right. How are they going to know? They're not, they're never going to know.
[00:31:01] Liz Coalts: Exactly. I love that. Thank you.
[00:31:04] Damaged Parents: Yeah, no problem. Just a little things like that. I don't, I don't know, but I mean, you've already given us so many tools and ideas, your top three, though, that you would say, if you are in the midst of this depressive state, like you were in, this sounds like severe postpartum depression and things like that, or this anxiety state, what are the top tools that you just the three top.
[00:31:28] Liz Coalts: Admit it. Reach out to, if it's your spouse, your parents like reach out and like, so cause that takes it out of yourself. So I think the first biggest thing is admitting it, which is very, very hard, very, very hard, but admitting it. That takes away some of the power, I think of the ruminations and things in your mind And then I think that, especially if you're in a very severe state, you need to seek medical help.
So whether it like, at least go somewhere, like whether you're going to your primary care and have them say, I think you should go to therapy or you do need meds or just starting right go to therapy, do something that can have a medical outside, look at you. You don't look at the situation, because it might not be that it might just be like, we just need a couple of sessions and I think you'll get through it, or it's like, okay, we need some serious planning here. And I think that the third thing is consistency. and whatever works. If it is meds, take them consistently as you're supposed to. If you found that it's, I need to run every day, do that, or I need to sleep. I can't mess with my sleep.
Even if it's just one thing that you have found that really, really works for you, protect it, treat it like it's gold and do it. And don't, sacrifice it or don't, give in on it because it's, you know, if that's your cornerstone, let it be that.
[00:32:47] Damaged Parents: So I think what you're saying is if something comes up and you say, oh, well, I'm going to ruin my sleep for tonight because this sounds great. Just be aware that it could be a trigger or don't do it because it's just that important.
[00:33:01] Liz Coalts: Right. So yeah, you, have to make that decision, but it's like, you know, if you know, you're going to screw up, you're like, oh, am I able to sleep? And then tomorrow, or I don't know, you know, like, but yeah, make a conscious choice with it. But if you have a big, I don't know, presentation or something tomorrow, but your friends also want to go out tonight and you're all going to get through.
Maybe not do that. I mean, that's just kind of probably for anything, but.
[00:33:21] Damaged Parents: Gosh, this has been such a fantastic conversation. I'm so glad I get to talk to you today, Liz now, just so that everybody knows where to find you. You're at TheAnxiousAdult.com. You're on Facebook as The Anxious Adults. You can also, we can also find you on Twitter. And I think Instagram to Instagram
is
LizCoalts
[00:33:41] Liz Coalts: Yes, I am getting better at it. I'm not really like, I feel old, but I am getting more active on there. I know I need to do
so.
[00:33:49] Damaged Parents: it's just, we want people to hear your story. I mean, you're really sharing something that's very important in this world, I think is to let people know they're not alone in their struggle and that there, absolutely is hope and we can make it and we can do it together.
[00:34:06] Liz Coalts: Absolutely. It was other moms sharing their story that really helped make a turning point in my journey. If I can help one person by sharing the, whatever it is that I have to share, I would gladly tell the world. So thank you so much for having me and letting me share a piece of my life here.
[00:34:22] Damaged Parents: Oh, thank you.
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Liz about how she learned to live with her anxieties. We especially like how she shares so openly her struggles with anxiety and depression. To unite with other damaged people. Connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
