Episode 85: Elite Athlete Eating Disorder

Shaun Provost

Ironman. World Class Triathlete. Marathoner. Gymnast. Sexual Assault Survivor. Eating Disorder Warrior. Holistic Wellness Coach. Shaun is a sassy, sarcastic red-head who has a strong passion for living the best, healthiest life possible despite any challenges in her way, and helping others overcome their obstacles to do the same!

Social media and contact information: @livingunbreakable on instagram, @Shaun Provost on facebook and linkedin!

Podcast Transcript:

Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where disordered, confused, hungry people come to learn maybe just, maybe we're all a little bit damaged.  

Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.

Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.

In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?

My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.

Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.

Today, we're going to talk with Shaun Provost. She has many roles in her life. Daughter, sister, aunt triathlete, marathoner gymnast, sexual assault, survivor, and more. We'll talk about how she was sexually assaulted, which led to an eating disorder. And how she found health and healing let's talk

 Welcome Shaun to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. I am super excited. You're here today. Like we were talking about before, this is going to be a fantastic interview.

Shaun Provost: [00:02:07] Thank you So much for having me. I'm so excited to be here.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:10] Yeah. Like I think it's great that I, off the top of my head don't even remember what your struggle is going to be about. I think it's fantastic, because. I love like I was telling you, the idea of being surprised and, you know, I could look at this as a struggle or I can look at this as just part of the journey and how perfect that is for this podcast.

Shaun Provost: [00:02:34] Falls right in line. Very on brand.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:37] Right.

Shaun Provost: [00:02:39] It's great.

Damaged Parents: [00:02:40] So, Because I don't have a lot of information about you. I know you're here about a struggle. what do you do? Are you a coach? Are you a, uh, What do you do that is your purpose for being here and wanting to share your story beyond sharing the story to help other people.

Shaun Provost: [00:02:56] Yeah. So I'm a coach. I am a health and fitness coach, so I own my own business called live on unbreakable. And I do fitness and nutrition training for women. But for everyone. Realistically, but I have a lot of female clients. And I think the coolest part about my struggle is that I turned it from something that I think a lot of people will see as a negative influence into something that helps to fuel both me and my business, as well as my clients.

And I think that path of struggle and mindset shifts and all of that kind of stuff really helped to prepare me to be a better coach as well.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:30] So you are right. We are right in line with each other.

Shaun Provost: [00:03:33] Absolutely. Yes,

Damaged Parents: [00:03:35] I love that. I absolutely love that. So, start your struggle for us, where it starts for you. And then I'm just going to ask questions along the way. And sometimes that looks like me interrupting. I'm going to be

straightforward with you there.

Shaun Provost: [00:03:50] I love it. Very interactive. That's what I want.

Damaged Parents: [00:03:54] Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

Shaun Provost: [00:03:56] So my struggle originally, it started in high school. I was assaulted and sexually abused. And then that kind of carried on a little bit with another partner later on in life. But it fueled a lot of my psychological studies in college and helps me really wrap my mind around a lot of other issues as well.

And the longer term issue that I was dealing with and my struggle became my control over my diet and basically disordered eating because that's where I saw control in my life. When other things were out of my control, eating became the thing that I could control the most. And so I kind of forewent all science and logic and just started focusing on what I thought was quote, unquote, working or quote unquote, not working for my body.

And then. That kind of led into a pattern of really negative behaviors, of course issues as an athlete issues as a coach issues with, my professional development as well. And that struggle happens for the better part of a decade, honestly, until I was talking mindset with a friend of mine and understood that that control was really the piece that was  drawing me to this disorder.

And just like a light came on and I was like, Oh my gosh, that's amazing. Like that pinpoint that moment and say, this is exactly the conversation I need to have in that moment.

Damaged Parents: [00:05:21] I really want to hear more about that. I mean, I want to go all the way back. Right? And investigates some things I want to hear right now, though, about what that conversation was like. When you said that, ah, ha it's like you put your hands up. Is up by your head? Like a, I mean, like two light bulbs came on and so can you identify, or do you remember what was said that triggered your aha.

Shaun Provost: [00:05:44] Yeah. I was sharing a similar story with a friend and had been, she had noticed that my eating was off. Basically. She was like, well, you're an athlete. You should eat all the time. Right. That's crazy. I was like, no, I don't. I don't really, you know, I, I, you know, these choice meals. Throughout the day, or I made some comment about how little I eat and it was kind of funny, cause like I could still feel my body the way I quote unquote needed to.

And she was like, no, that's really dangerous. You can, be doing really like irreparable damage to your system by eating that way. And I was like, really, do you think so she's like, I really do think so. And it was just the way that she said it. And the way that I realized my control was actually being so negative when I was trying to be in such a positive space.

And she just made it seem like I trusted her so much. And I was so vulnerable in that moment with her. And she  like, slapped me, you know, with some reality and was like this, you need to change. Like, something has to give here.

Damaged Parents: [00:06:42] So she was recognizing that you were, even though in those moments you were in your mind, it sounds like thinking everything's fine. And when she said something that triggered a thought that said, Oh, Maybe you're right.

Shaun Provost: [00:06:57] Yeah. And it really was that trust with her. And she just said it so naturally after I had just said something so naturally, and I was like, these two realities can be possible simultaneously. So something has to change.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:10] You know, and it doesn't sound like you felt judged at all. It was just like, I don't think that those two things work at the same time.

Shaun Provost: [00:07:19] Yeah, and I don't think she was trying to change my behavior. I don't think that's where her thought process was. It was just, she was trying to help me and I was inadvertently seeking help by having that conversation with her in such a natural open space. So the lack of judgment really helps me be more vulnerable and to share things that led her to that statement.

Damaged Parents: [00:07:41] Because I could see. Lots of people making the judgment to have the conversation. And then the conversation is based on the judgment and not because you brought it up, but because I brought it up for instance, is that kind of okay. it helps to let people meet them where they're at and let them say, Hey, I'm struggling

Shaun Provost: [00:08:03] Yes to create that safe space and then meet them there and listen, and then you can provide insight from there instead of experience or sharing what you think is right. It's just sharing the reality that you're in with them.

Damaged Parents: [00:08:17] Yeah, that just resonates on so many levels with me about so many things, especially around food and eating and body image. I mean, I've learned more about body image in the last few months than I've really ever thought I would know. And I it's amazing to me how much of it is tied to emotions and experiences, which is why I would like to go back to the assault.

I mean, you're in high school when this happens. And did you have issues with how you saw your body or what. But after that, because of that, I don't know. Tell me.

Shaun Provost: [00:08:56] Yeah. So I was a gymnast. I was a competitive gymnast for 13 years and I think I had been in gymnastics for 10 years at the time. I was 15 years old and I was happy with where I was. I loved my friends. I felt I was doing really well in school. Gymnastics was my outlet for so many things.

I was a coach at the time, but that's where my friends were competition was life. And I, I remember being really happy in that moment. He was my first boyfriend. And, you know, we had talked about, taking the next step quote unquote. Right. But it was never. Leading up to that moment. When the assault happened, it was never something that I thought would happen to me.

Like those things happen to other people. They don't happen to my friends. They don't have to my family. Right. And then afterwards I felt that something had been taken undo from me that I wasn't ready to give that I wasn't, happy with that at all. And it took me a long time to understand that it's okay to not have control, but in that moment, but.

Now I do. And this moment I can be autonomous and have my own decisions and have my own process of thoughts and feelings around that experience. But that negative processes aren't doing me any good in the present moment.

Damaged Parents: [00:10:13] Right. That's where you're at now, based on what happened then, what was it like then? This happened, do you had no control over it? And you're a successful gymnast and elite gymnast. And if I know anything about gymnastics, my little sister was also an elite gymnast. It literally is the entire family's life.

I think there's so much that goes into being an elite gymnast. So was there even time to process and. And if so, what was that like? Or did you just jump into the control? What's what happened?

Shaun Provost: [00:10:48] It was a slow slide into the control piece. think, it wasn't great. For me, gymnastics was such a big, like you said, it was our whole family's life. My mom was my coach and my sister was also in gymnastics. Like it was the whole family was involved. My dad helped with scoring and doing like with the backend kind of stuff of the competition.

So everyone was involved and. I remember the doctors and the therapists that I was seeing, tell me it was so important to get back into a space where gymnastics was my life again. I had taken time away. I wasn't going into my gym anymore. I wasn't, I think it was maybe a week or two weeks that I took off just to let my system calm down and to psychologically get prepared for that space again.

Damaged Parents: [00:11:36] So you had talked about the fact that this trauma happened to you. The assault happened to you and took some time off. Okay.

Shaun Provost: [00:11:44] Yeah, it took me. A couple of days to tell anyone else. And at that point, a lot of other like legal things were happening. And so there was just a lot going on, but I remember the doctors and the therapists telling me that I needed to get back to that space. Like gymnastics was my normal. And so being able to return to that and build structure and have that control was really important to my getting back into like a normal state of mind and a normal state of being so to heal.

I needed to get back to structure and control. And I think that's where the thought of control started in with me. I had never really had an issue with food. I loved food. I ate all the time. Sometimes healthy, sometimes not healthy, never really thought about it.

It was just fuel at that point. And. After I think was when I really started to, wants to have control over something so badly that knowing that I could change my body in the course of a week or two weeks was really alluring to me because then I could have a body that he would never have touched, or he would never recognize or whatever it was.

Damaged Parents: [00:12:54] Oh, wow. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. And I'm intrigued by the idea of getting back to what was normal and. I mean, cause to me, gymnastics is so much about the body and what it looks like and how it moves.

So I'm just trying to understand, I think, and I'm really struggling with that because there's this assault. And then, the way to heal is, Oh, you need to get back to control. that seems a little off to me. Am I not? I don't understand.

Shaun Provost: [00:13:28] I think looking back at it. Yeah, it is really jarring because there is a whole process that has to happen of oh, and I'm sure you know this, but in child trauma, your brain doesn't have enough experiences to kind of like, I see my brain is almost like a desktop of a computer. And as you grow older, you have all these  folders you can put files into right.

And it just makes sense. Like you put this in that file and whatever, but when you're a kid, As a teenager, right? Until you're in your twenties, you don't have all of the folders to put files into and your brain tries so hard to make sense of what's happening. And I think now the answer would be drastically different, but 20 years ago, the answer was, you know, you need it to have something to ground you.

And for me, that was always athletics and especially gymnastics. So if I could push out thoughts that were negative and get back into that mental tenacity space of gymnastics and focusing on athletics, then I wasn't focusing on the negative experience. I was creating new experiences.

Damaged Parents: [00:14:34] Okay, that makes more sense. Now it's, I'm starting to understand what, to, what controlled meant to what they were trying to help you with.

Shaun Provost: [00:14:45] it took me a while to get there too.

Damaged Parents: [00:14:47] Yeah, well, it, because we all use different words for different things or the same word and meaning different things. I mean, language is so amazing to me.

So you got back into gymnastics or you went back, were you able to perform at the same level or did you still struggle because of all this other stuff? I mean, how did that work out for you?

Shaun Provost: [00:15:10] I definitely struggled. It was still in my mind. Right. The entire experience and especially the legal process that was still going on. There was just so much to process and so much to think about all the time. So trying to push it out of my mind and be really focused on gymnastics was really hard.

And I remember so much of the next, like six to 12 months, it was just stupid errors and mistakes and competitions weren't the same. And no one really knew what happened with me. And I just knew that I was gone for a little bit of time. And then I had come back and, you know, I was different. So. It was really hard because I couldn't talk to my friends about it.

I didn't, want to share that. And I didn't know how to start that conversation, even if I did. So it was so different. And then there was a period of time with my therapist, where she had said something similar to the being in the moment and being present. You can't change what just happened, but you can change moving forward.

And I started applying that I remember doing a gymnastics routine on the bars and I fell doing something stupid that I would never fallen on. And normally in that frame of mind, I'd be like, Oh, well, today's not a bar's day. I don't need to do bars. I'll just go to beam and do whatever. But I slowed down and I grounded myself and I remembered what she had told me and that routine was trash, but my next routine can be amazing.

And that minds, that shift. I still remember the next bar routine and crushing it. I mean like, wow, this really works. This is so cool. I need to do this and everything. And it was this new, like, self, like I just felt so amazing. And it changed everything in that moment.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:48] Yeah. And so you were able to do it there

Shaun Provost: [00:16:50] Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:51] Yet, the food thing

Shaun Provost: [00:16:53] Yeah.

Damaged Parents: [00:16:54] you've said disordered eating yeah right? So I think it's fascinating that I can. Get something in one area, or even you, as you're saying, you totally got it when it related to bars and doing that. And yet in the food area, it was just different and that's okay.

It's part of the complex world, I think. And, and how, what are your thoughts on that? Are you going, are you along the same lines? 

Shaun Provost: [00:17:21] Totally am. And for me, I was focused so much on the control and gymnastics and the control of my mind that I let that influence other areas without noticing it at first. So I said it was like a slow slide and. It wasn't always taken control of not eating enough or eating too much, but it was what I was putting in my body.

So I became obsessed with counting my macros and needing to understand what food was made out of and trying different things. I wanting to be gluten free or I didn't want to drink beer anymore. I gave up alcohol in college and like all these other crazy things, but , it was a control.

I got to say what was going in my body. And I framed it as though, this is a test of my mental tenacity. If I'm going to do intermittent fasting it's my mind is so strong that no matter what my body is telling me, my mind is stronger than that. And I think that's the same thought process that I had in that bar routine, but it just didn't translate the same positive way in this area of my life, because I could see the changes when I was making them in my diet.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:26] And it probably felt good to see the changes

Shaun Provost: [00:18:30] Yes, it does.

Damaged Parents: [00:18:31] and validated that control existed.

Shaun Provost: [00:18:34] Exactly. I could see if I controlled my diet in this way, then this was the outcome. And then I'm rewarded for it because I looked good. And so people would compliment me say that, you know, Oh, you look really great today, instead of saying like, I love that shirt or your hair looks awesome.

It was just like, you look good. So then it became my control into my diet. People notice that and then would compliment just me as a whole. So then it was this positive feedback loop of whenever I made a change, people liked it and people would like me and I just wanted that acceptance.

Damaged Parents: [00:19:08] Okay. I think I just heard you say in different words, people liked me for the way my body looked and I had control over that. So how did you transition that? I don't know if that's the right question. Okay. Maybe let's just keep going to the next part of your story. And my question will pop up.

Shaun Provost: [00:19:28] sure. No, that's totally fine. I think, and it wasn't until after college, either that I started making forward progress in diet and athletics. I had fallen off the wagon a little bit in college. I wasn't involved in athletics my freshman year, then I was a diver. Didn't really like it, it kind of ran a little bit.

I was really focused on my studies. It was the same control I would put in the work and I would see the a and then I would get praised for the A, and that positive feedback loop, continued. And  after I graduated, I got into obstacle course racing and. I think athletes as a whole have this mentality around food.

 Like we do food the night before. And what kind of food are you eating and does it fuel you for the kind of exercise, right. Like thinking runners, always doing like pasta dinners the night before a race or something. Right. And so food is like intertwined with everything athletics that I was doing, running obstacle course racing, all that kind of stuff.

And so there was, again, that positive feedback loop of I would do something I would change. Some habit of mine and then be rewarded for it. And that just continued in every sport I was in, in my early twenties.

Damaged Parents: [00:20:35] And from an outside perspective, because I'm not sporty.

Shaun Provost: [00:20:39] Okay.

Damaged Parents: [00:20:41] It seems to me that food and how you eat in that industry, if you will, of sports, not just gymnastics, but any sports is food is fuel period. And there's this, maybe an underlying belief that how you eat, determines how you perform.

Shaun Provost: [00:21:03] I will argue with you only on the point of there is an ideal. And I say this with very strong quotes, an ideal look for an athlete. So I agree. You are a hundred percent right in your thought process, but there's also this unmistakable identity of if you're trying to be an elite or competitive athlete, you have to look a certain way.

So we do eat all the time, but what kind of food do we want, or like understanding the fuel side of it? Is for more advanced and I would say maybe more competitive athletes to share, or to want to like have a coach for whatever that is. And all of the people I was with, we all kind of saw food as fuel, but also no one would really noticed if I wasn't eating my whole hamburger or something.

I'm a small person. I was with a lot of like larger dudes. And so. If I wasn't eating, they're just kinda like, Oh, well Shaun's a small person, so she doesn't need as much as we do or something like that which again, positive feedback. I didn't finish. People noticed it was great. It was another conversation piece that I could jump into and be like, Oh, I don't need everything.

You know, I don't need all the food on my plate. I don't need it. And I can still perform. And I was, I looked good doing it. So I felt like that was enough.

Damaged Parents: [00:22:22] So even having this  not healthy relationship with food that disordered eating and stuff, but you were getting the props, if you will, from friends and then you were looking good. So it would have, it would be really hard to identify them at that point. I would think that you even have a problem, right?

Shaun Provost: [00:22:43] And I was winning. I was winning races and it felt so good. And then I would see photos and people are like, wow, you look so good on this photo. Shaun like, you're crushing it. And it's like, yeah. And I have all this external validation now that what I'm doing internally, it matters. And it's helping other people know that they can do it too.

So go us but inside I was struggling so much every single day.

Damaged Parents: [00:23:07] Okay. Maybe run us through what that internal struggle was like in a day. So you get up, we got ate breakfast, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Shaun Provost: [00:23:17] Yeah, I would. I still, it's funny what experiences pop up when you ask me these questions, but I remember waking up one day and thinking, Oh my abs, don't look as good as they should. I'm going to focus on abs today and tomorrow, and then they'll look better for the weekends. Literally. And that also meant eating more protein and less fats and carbs.

So then I would have protein shakes maybe halfway through my day because I was starving and I needed something. And then I would do an ab routine in the morning and ab routine in the afternoon, I would do something that worked in my car before I went to bed. I would do cardio because I wanted to lose weight and I didn't understand resistance training.

So I would go out and go for a run and dehydrate myself and not rehydrate. So my abs looked better that night before I went to bed. Took a photo compared it to the next day and the next day. And then back compliments from my friends when I would go to a run and my abs looked great because I would say, Hey guys, like, look how great my was like today, hard work right here.

But they wouldn't understand that it was the hard work was in my brain. Not necessarily my body.

Damaged Parents: [00:24:17] So it was your brain, so you were in some sense of the word starving.

Shaun Provost: [00:24:25] Oh yeah. I would plan my day around being so busy. I wouldn't notice if I was hungry, which you can't ignore when you're hungry. Right. That's not how life works, but you can plan your day around it being inconvenient for you to eat. So a lot of water, some Gatorade, just really planning my professional day around being so busy stacking my day with calls, maybe like no one would say anything because Shaun's on another call.

Shaun's busy in the office. Shaun's doing this for someone. So. Just stacking my day full and I was starving. I was so hungry, but I wanted to look good. And that was always my focus. So in my head, the constant chant was like, nothing feels as good as skinny looks and I would replace skinny with athletic and think that was okay.

So, yes, I wanted food right now, but it would feel so good to get the validation from my friends and do well in the race because I looked good that that was worth any pain. I went through that way.

Damaged Parents: [00:25:28] Yeah, it sounds like a lot of lonely work if you will, and on top of this, you're helping other people

and

no one knows.

Shaun Provost: [00:25:38] Yeah. At the time I did not, I was not doing nutritional coaching for my athletes. I was just, I was working as a personal trainer and I had another corporate job on the side. Like. So I was busy all the time, that all of my clients, I would train in the gym and, I would always preach to them that they needed to eat.

And protein was really good for them. And hydration was necessary knowing the whole time that I wasn't doing what I was telling them to do.

Damaged Parents: [00:26:04] Yeah. So you had your epiphany with your friend or your big aha moment. So once that happened, how did you start transitioning to healthier behaviors? And you know, right now I'm so worried about words. It's like, is it healthier? Is it Dodd healthier? What label do I want to put on it?

You

Shaun Provost: [00:26:23] Yeah, that's the hardest part to risk talking about it, right? Because we don't talk about this in society. So it's like, you're not going to step on my toes. Right. Other people have different words that they're using to describe their similar experiences too. So it is really hard to be able to balance what language to use with it.

When I had my aha moment. The next couple of steps were literally research. I wanted to know everything and I dove head first into how I could have fallen into this trap. That diet culture is so kindly set up for me and made my big grand entrance into diet culture for. And I was so frustrated with myself that he let it happen, that I would tell all of these other people, all of my clients, how to, train harder and they needed to do this for nutrition.

And I saw them making progress and I saw myself not making the same progress. And I still was that reality was so disjointed and I was still so headstrong in my fasting or starvation that my control was out of control. So my next step was just research. I got a certification in nutrition. I started looking into the different kinds of diet culture to talk myself out of what I was doing.

Mindset shifts and a lot of tenacity work and working on mental toughness and just trying to piece together the puzzle. That was the past 15 years of my life and understanding the why. Why did I do it? And then understanding that if that was my, why now? How can I use that to fuel me later? And what do I do now?

Damaged Parents: [00:28:02] As far as mindset and cause I'm trying to figure out once you get into the disordered eating that you're talking about or having this disjointed relationship with food and body image, if you will, how to shift back to healthier behaviors, because I think because you were so worried about the look and how your body looked and all of that, it makes sense to me that you would do everything you can to get that look and to keep that look.

So how do you go to eating when you're hungry or what do you do? Because that could turn out. I mean, it could go way the other way also, right?

Shaun Provost: [00:28:43] In that aha moment. My friends had said something about how dangerous this was for my body. And I, I know that was a big part for me because I wanted to be around for so many experiences. I had so much life to live. Right. And when she said dangerous, I was shocked. Like she shook me physically, but she didn't, you know what I mean?

And why would I do something dangerous? Like, that's not me. I don't, do dangerous, not like that. And. That piece of it made me so scared that what I was doing was going to be so detrimental that I wouldn't be able to live the life that I had set myself up for, that I wanted to live with my friends and my family.

And when I started my research, that was a huge part of it. Like, why is diet culture bad? Really general question, but then you start diving into the pieces of it and why I thought that way and how to start to reframe pieces of my life. So I was so used to this positive feedback loop of how the positive feedback loop of how I looked and then I needed to find the validation for myself.

That was internal. So what was my internal motivation? And it, couldn't be looking good. It had to be, you know, having information, being really knowledgeable. I wanted to use this experience to help other people, because once I saw how detrimental it was, I want to rescue everyone. I want everyone to have that aha like shaken moments and be like, you can, you don't have to live this way.

Like life is so great. On the other side of, disordered eating and eating recovery, like it's so phenomenal and. Like everyone deserves to live that way. So like, what can I do to make that happen? Like how do I do that? And so my motivation went from not how I looked, but then how do I help other people who felt that way?

And now there's no end of what can I learn and how can I share that?

Damaged Parents: [00:30:35] Okay, so you investigated and researched and researched and researched. It sounded like to gain a better understanding of disordered eating and. So, how does that transition to behaviors though? Because you talked a lot about the different behaviors you had and like fasting and starving yourself and things like that.

And you gave us an example of a day back when you were in the midst of that is what about an example of the day now, for instance, of what your eating might look like? Or I don't know if I want to focus on the eating like.

Shaun Provost: [00:31:12] Yeah, the habits. I think your question is around the habits and how those changed. And that was the slowest part because when I was so focused on. The control at shifting the control from what it mind over matter, almost mind over body. And the control then became less about how can I change my body and what negative behaviors I have to do to do that.

Right. I still had tendencies of, Oh, I can't eat it's nine in the morning. And for me it was okay. I need to drink water. I need to eat an egg. I need to have part of a protein bar. So it was not an overnight transition where I woke up. And then all of a sudden I was eating like a normal person by any means it was dialing back the work I was doing athletically working with a coach who understood what I was going through and having a really supportive network of friends and family that I could text when I was having negative thoughts or feelings. So if my knee jerk reaction would have been to not eat until noon.

I made it almost impossible for me to make it that far. And I would put hurdles in my way. I would have cookies at my desk, like protein cookies at my desk. I would ask my coworkers to check in on me and just say, Hey, I'm going to go get a snack. Do you want something? So I was getting this incessant barrage almost of like, Hey, what are you doing right now?

Text messages or like taps on the shoulder that. They would notice if I continuously turn them down and they wouldn't have before, if that makes sense. So just creating opportunities for myself.

Damaged Parents: [00:32:47] By setting up the co-workers to tap you on the shoulder. And if you kept saying no, no, no. Then they could be like, Hey, you might want to take a look at this.

Shaun Provost: [00:32:55] Exactly.

Damaged Parents: [00:32:56] you haven't eaten,

but not, not the person who's coming. No, you have to eat right now.

Shaun Provost: [00:33:01] Right. Yeah. That wouldn't have worked either problem with authority now. But it changed the environment around me because instead of this like positive feedback loop oh Shaun's really busy, it became , I want Shaun to come and snack with me or I want now they were noticing that I hadn't been snacking with him before.

So it was like the people around me also noticed and not to burden them in any way. that wasn't my ask it was more of  an the environment where this kind of conversation was okay to have. So you should never be too busy to take a break. And when, why aren't we eating lunch together as coworkers and why aren't we taking a break to go and get coffee together?

And so creating a more versatile, like really supportive environment and wherever I was.

Damaged Parents: [00:33:44] Well, and you said something really interesting about the ask and what I really got from the ask. Was that you were creating an environment of supporting each other because it wasn't just you now it became about connection is what I was getting from you. And

that it was more about having these relationships than it was about the food.

Shaun Provost: [00:34:08] Yes exactly.

Damaged Parents: [00:34:10] Right so while it was helping you to work on these things for me, the bigger takeaway from that is that now you were inviting people in with you to the struggle and it sounds like they were totally happy about that. If, anything, they wanted to be there for you and maybe you even created some new relationships from that.

Shaun Provost: [00:34:32] Absolutely did. And that sense of community is what also changed in my  aha have moment with my friends, it wasn't so much. Now you had said this before, too. It was very lonely work doing what I was doing. I was always around friends, but in my head I was doing so much work solo and getting through that moment with my friends and coming out on the other side of eating disorders was about community and creating communities of people that I could rely on of people that could rely on me, have conversations and support.

And now everything that I love to do involves a kind of community like the gym that I go to, super big community, super supportive of each other. The sports that I'm involved in in those communities are so strong and the friends that I keep around me, big community, I've just really great people, but those relationships would never have been possible if I was doing all of that work still in my head, I would just be so self-involved in my eating disorder that I wouldn't have been able to create that network.

Damaged Parents: [00:35:33] Yeah. And the other thing that just keeps crossing my mind is, that because you were a personal trainer. And you had this disorder of eating other people didn't know about it, but the other thing is this, I just really think is um, yeah, I don't know if it's a, if it's a politically correct question or not, I have no idea, but my thought is what was your perception of people who come into the gym thin or not?

Were you judging them ever as their body or as their, as the person like.

 Shaun Provost: [00:36:06] That's so crazy to me about this whole thing, right? And your mind is so nuts. As a trainer, I was always so focused on just making sure that healthy habits were being created. That no matter if you were the skinniest person or the most overweight or the most uncomfortable or the most unhappy person I wanted you to come in, I wanted to share my energy with you.

And I wanted you to leave happy. And in a better, healthier space than when you got there. So for me, that was always like, okay, if you're having a really bad day, we're going to lift a little bit heavier. We're going to go a little bit harder on cardio. If you're having a great day, that's awesome. Lots of burpees and you can talk people into different stuff.

So for me, I never compared them in their space with their bodies. I wasn't like, Oh, well, they probably eat less than whatever, or they probably don't eat well. It was always in my head that I could achieve what I wanted to, like I could achieve that body or I can do that lift or something like that, but for me, so how can I be better tomorrow and what can I do differently to get there?

And the answer was never work harder. The answer is what food did I have to add in, or take away.

Damaged Parents: [00:37:16] Yeah. I really think this is an interesting conversation, really, because, even as I ask you about the people around you, I'm not hearing that you judge them by their body or what it looked like. And in fact, you keep going back to no, I'm more worried about me. I was more worried about what was happening in here.

And because I was so worried about that, I mean, and I was worried about them, but I never saw them as what they looked like. I saw them for who they were to me, which had nothing to do with the shape or size of their body. And I think that's really interesting and something, we don't really talk about a lot.

Right. Like we all know that. I mean, I know when I'm feeling overweight or, you know, I've got extra pounds and I walk into a gym, I am certain everyone's judging me. And I know that's not true because I don't do, I mean, maybe some people are,

Shaun Provost: [00:38:08] Right when you're on the elliptical or you're running, you're not watching, who's walking through the door. Like you're not watching he's over there doing whatever. You're not judging them. Right. You may notice them, but you're not like, Oh, look at that guy.

Damaged Parents: [00:38:19] Yeah. And if anything, I'm more worried about the conversation and the way that we talk to each other than I am about what someone physically looks like. And I think that's really maybe an important point to drive home is with disordered eating altogether. I don't know because I haven't,  I don't know.

Maybe I am there. I don't know if I've been there before. Who knows? I haven't analyzed that part of me yet, but I know that there's, that the, especially having a little sister that was a gymnast and really that the body had to be a certain way. Do you know that, but that's not what I loved about her.

Shaun Provost: [00:38:55] Yeah. And whenever I would journal, that's not what I ultimately wrote down either like this drug a hundred percent in my mind, I would never write it down. I never talked about it. It wasn't a concern of mine. I never saw it as an issue. So for me, it wasn't something that needed to change. It wasn't something that needed to be talked about.

It wasn't something that needed to be written about. So in my journal, all I was talking about was the races and friends. And I was so excited about a new PR or a new run or whatever it was. Maybe I talked about being tired, but I had never correlated that to what was going in my body and the energy that I was spending on counting or not counting macros.

So. It really was there even to myself. It was lonely. Cause it was all in my head.

Damaged Parents: [00:39:41] Yeah. What about shame?

Shaun Provost: [00:39:43] That's hard.  it's so hard because I took so long to come out of that shame phase. Again, it's for me, I don't see other people coming out of eating disorder, recovery, or, coming out of their eating disorder and say, Oh, shame on you for thinking your body needed to change. That's not a thought process that I have, but for myself, it was like, Whoa, how did I let that happen?

How did I do this? Like, I'm a smart person. How did I fall into this trap? Like, you were so dumb and so much negative? Self-talk that. For a while. The habits that I was changing were so much harder at the beginning because I wanted to change, but I also didn't and I hated the part of me that I was still so tightly clinging to, if that

Damaged Parents: [00:40:30] Yeah, no. Makes so much sense. so in, in a workbook that I found online, it says list what you want changed. And then the very next question is what pain or fear do you associate with changing this area? And the very next question after that, which absolutely surprised me and just the, mouth dropping, ugh feeling  what pleasure are you getting out of not changing.

Shaun Provost: [00:41:00] Ooh.

Damaged Parents: [00:41:01] Right.

Shaun Provost: [00:41:01] Oh, that hurts.

Damaged Parents: [00:41:03] And because the way the question was asked, there's no question that maybe there's some pleasure in not changing.

Shaun Provost: [00:41:11] Right. What I have my clients as part of the onboarding process for my clients right now, there's a questionnaire about the positives and negatives of making a change. And part of it is to understand if they're dedicated to a change and part of them, part of it is to understand what they are holding onto as their why.

And I frame it as. There are obviously going to be positives and negatives of making a change or not making a change. If you get a coach, one negative is that you have to pay them, right.

That's just the negative. But the positive should outweigh that because you get a lasting change. You have someone to guide you, you have a support system and a network now.

And so all of those positives. Of the change happening need to outweigh the negative of it happening. But the opposite is also true on the other side, if they don't make the change, the negatives have to outweigh the positives. And obviously the way that they're doing things they think is positive, not changing, they're fine with, but they stopped me out in some way, shape or form.

And so that list of negatives of not changing needs to be really long. And that is the recognition of their why and saying, okay, The negative of not changing is that you're not going to have energy. You're not going to feel good. You're going to continue on this process and maybe continue to struggle in this plateau that you've created for yourself.

And how great would it be to not be stuck anymore?

Damaged Parents: [00:42:38] Yeah.

Yeah. And I

Shaun Provost: [00:42:39] How great would it feel?

Damaged Parents: [00:42:41] yeah, and part of that what you're talking about is just acknowledging all of that. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons.

Shaun Provost: [00:42:47] Exactly. Yeah. for eating disorder, it's always that you, there's so much more energy that you have when you let go of that thought process that you can give to other things in your life. Outside of the healthy decisions of eating more food or eating healthier ways or creating better habits.

It's also the amount of energy from just not worrying about it so much and not having it constantly on your mind from the second you wake up to the second you go to bed.

Damaged Parents: [00:43:19] Yeah. Okay. I want to ask some questions about, you know, the fat. There's the medical fatness there's people who can't lose weight for whatever reason, you know? And there's that bar, I mean, you body shamed, if you will, right yourself.

And then we have that whole other spectrum. And I'm thinking you're in a prime position to have good insight into, you know, because I don't know that it's different. And I'm trying to understand between someone who like you was like mostly thin, very athletic, and then we've got the other end of the spectrum, very overweight, very, you know, considered fat  like, is there a difference?

 Is there maybe not a difference. Do we even need to worry about judging it at all? Or is it just eating disordered, eating period? Do you understand where I'm trying to go? I just, I really am trying to be loving from all perspectives and understand and engage in that type of a conversation that we don't talk about.

Shaun Provost: [00:44:19] Yeah. And I think your point is valid, right? It doesn't eating disorders. Don't always look like the really skinny emasculated person on one side. They can absolutely look like someone who is also overweight. They can look like someone who maybe you would never even think has one because they just act and look normally right.

It's all so ingrained in our mental space that we don't talk about it. And so it never comes up and people think it's taboo to discuss. So it's one of those things that like, if you have it, there is nowhere to go because someone's going to judge you for it, regardless of what you look like.

That's what people think.

Damaged Parents: [00:44:56] I feel like the people at either end of the spectrum pay the price.

Shaun Provost: [00:45:00] Yes, absolutely. And because they're the ones you were talking about, right. Because they look like it and it's something that we can, I think. And in society as a whole, when it's something that we can visually correlate to something, we have this draw to do that. So someone who's super skinny or someone who's super overweight will always be looked at as the quote unquote problem, because they have to have a problem.

Right. They don't look like that naturally on either side of the spectrum. And so, because they don't look quote unquote normal. So if they don't look normal, then they're the ones that get talked about because. As normal ones don't look like that. And so how do we either stay away from that or look more like that.

Right. And that whole thought process is so messed up because the people in the middle who are having like this quote unquote, normal life, never get a chance to say anything because then they're the knee jerk reaction of people around them. And society is that, Oh, well, it can't be that bad because you're not on the extreme.

Damaged Parents: [00:46:02] Well, and then I think also what may also happen is the extremes become angry and say, there's no way you could have this problem because you're not with us and you're not with us.

Shaun Provost: [00:46:14] Yep, exactly. It's the whole, yeah, it bends back into words itself because you don't look like them and they don't look like you.

Damaged Parents: [00:46:22] Yeah.

Shaun Provost: [00:46:23] And it's this vicious life cycle, right? It's not a flat line. Everyone thinks like it's a flat line and it's kind of like those warning signs that have the triangle in the middle of the circle, right? There's these three dots and none of them are right and it just, it sucks because it's something that you can't physically deal with.

If you don't know how the mental side of it works.

Damaged Parents: [00:46:46] Yeah. . I was just thinking how to, I mean, I know for me, what I do was treating everyone, for who they are and meeting them where they're at. And yeah, I'm wondering how else or what else can be done to help everyone see that we are all human in all deserving of the human experience, right?

Regardless of what our body looks like, be it with disabilities or not disabilities, be it athletic or emaciated or extremely fat or obese, or however you want to refer to which, or super skinny. Right? Like there's so many different words. And so how do we show the world? Maybe it's just one part. I don't know.

What is your thought, beyond doing podcasts?

Shaun Provost: [00:47:31] Yeah. What I now preach about like health and being like having this healthy maintainable lifestyle is just that everyone starts somewhere and every single person's. Start is different than anybody else's and social media makes us really hard because you're comparing somebody, you know, page 963 in their journal to your first page.

And it's easy to do because you want to look like them. Act like them, talk like them, have what they have, whatever it is, but you're comparing your day one with their whatever, or, you know, 17 chapters in. And for me, the change that has to happen for everyone to really want to meet other people where they are, is to start internally and understanding where you are yourself in your journey, where you want to be, what you want to do, why you want to do it.

And once you're comfortable and confident in that, your perspective about everyone else changes. And it becomes less about being judged yourself or judging other people and starting to say, this is a really self-actualized version of me. And now that I know what I want out of my experience, how do I help other people with their experiences?

And in turn, those people help you have a better experience too.

Damaged Parents: [00:48:49] Yeah, and everybody can be on the same team that way.

Shaun Provost: [00:48:53] Exactly because you're not,  competing against anyone. You're just trying to be your best self because now you're comfortable with where you are.

Damaged Parents: [00:49:00] Yeah, I really like that. Okay. Three things people could do to get, to that point or tips or tools that you want people to walk away with.

Shaun Provost: [00:49:11] Affirmations were huge for me. So if you don't have a network right now, or you're not confident in your network and you can't be vulnerable with someone affirmations, writing them down, having them visible in your house in your day to day life on your phone background, whatever it is. Starting with affirmations and becoming comfortable with who and what you are.

And if you're not then writing affirmations to that effect, you are strong. You are confident. You are enough, really easy, really simple, go tos. The next would be starting to curate a network of people that you can be supportive of and they can be supportive of you too. And that's really hard and it takes a long time, but that's the most rewarding.

And it starts with following people that you find inspirational or motivational. It's really that easy. And then you start to see other accounts like that, or other people like that, getting in touch with them and creating something where vulnerability isn't scary. Vulnerability is the norm, because then you have that safe space.

So those two combined, and then I would say the last one is just. Being patient with yourself and with others in their journey, patients is huge and no one changes overnight. It's a long journey and it's worth every single forward step. If you have a backward step that's okay. But how can you take that next step forward tomorrow?

Damaged Parents: [00:50:36] So true. I'm so glad I got to have you on the show today, Shaun thank you so much.

 Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Shaun about how she learned to have a healthy relationship with food. We especially liked when she explained how sometimes we are blind to the way we hurt ourselves to unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Tik TOK. Look for damaged parents.

We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.