Episode 83: From Co-dependent to Capable
Shannon McAllister is a Life Coach + Certified Breathwork and Meditation Instructor. She is on a mission to help women tune into and trust themselves. She provides women with tools that allow them to break their unhealthy cycles and patterns. Once women tap into their trueth since they can create an intentional life they love. As a child of an alcoholic, she knows first hand how hard it can be to break the cycle; It takes a lot of courage patience, determination and trust. On the other side of facing your demons is freedom. It's worth it she promises!
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Podcast Transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents were codependent children of alcoholics who are completely self-conscious come to learn maybe just maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about.
In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges. Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience?
My hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole. Those who stare directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them, let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Shannon McAllister. She has many roles in her life, mother, sister, daughter, wife, and more. We'll talk about how she took on the role of family hero and tried to fix her alcoholic parents. And how she found health and healing let's talk
Welcome to Relatively Damaged by Damage Parents. We've got Shannon McAllister here today, and I am so glad you are here.
Shannon McAlister: [00:02:04] Thank you for having me. I'm so excited.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:06] Yeah, we were just briefly talking about, adult children of alcoholics and how it's just not talked about a lot. And I am really interested to hear your story.
Shannon McAlister: [00:02:17] Yeah, thank you. So, yeah, I think as an adult child of an alcoholic, so many of us grow up with kind of this secret and we don't want to talk about it and we don't share it. And so. I'm a little bit more public about it because I want others to know that it is okay and you're not doomed. I think so often when we dive deep into, adult children of alcoholics, the first things you read are you're going to be an alcoholic too.
You're going to marry an alcoholic and you're basically doomed to this pattern. And I was like, no, that's not going to be me. That's not going to happen to me. And so I really went on a self-development journey and a healing journey, and it really started with therapy, but. To kind of back it up a little bit about my home dynamics.
So when I was about fifth and fifth grade, my parents moved from Southern California to a teeny tiny town in Cool California. And it was a small tight-knit neighborhood, very religious very conservative and. It was a lot different from where I was in LA, which was a lot more diversified. Still wasn't a religious community, but very much more diversified had all my cousins down there had a lot of my relatives, my grandparents, and then we moved up to where we didn't really know anyone.
And I think for my mom, that was a big. Struggling point for her because she moved away from her support system. And so when she didn't have that and she's raising three kids and my dad was working, she decided to be a stay-at-home mom at this point. And she, I think she just kind of lost herself a little bit.
And drinking kind of became that way for her to feel confident, especially in new social circumstances. And it also, you know, made her kind of numb some of her childhood pain that she wasn't kind of willing to dive deeper into. And so, as I grew up, it was really middle school and high school that the drinking really got out of hand and.
For me, I kind of became that family hero. I wanted to fix my mom. I had a few interventions when I was younger. I think the first one was sixth grade and I kind of just was met with anger, resentment that I didn't really know what I was talking about.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:32] So you in sixth grade are calling mom out.
Shannon McAlister: [00:04:37] Yeah.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:38] And were you the only kid in that moment calling her out on it
Shannon McAlister: [00:04:42] Yeah. And I mean, I had tried to talk to my dad about it and he was aware and he was talking to her. I mean, my mom and my dad had several conversations and kind of fights about it, but I just felt like, okay, dad's not doing it and mom's not changing. And I just kind of had this brave moment in sixth grade, like.
Hey, mom, this really upsets me. Like, I love it when you don't drink. And we have so much fun together, but like when you drink, you're kind of this different person. And I don't know how, like I, at the time I'm the sixth grade, so I don't know exactly what I articulated, but, you know, she got upset because I called her out and I kind of see now as a parent myself, like.
Getting called out by your kids can be hard, especially if you aren't in a good place. So I understand now more where she was coming from, but yeah, sixth grade was the first time and I think she had a little realization in that moment and maybe got a little bit better, but like a few months later, you know, something else would happen that would upset her or she'd get kind of into her loop and she was back off drinking.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:44] Did she drink in LA that you were aware of or did it just become prominent after moving to a quiet, quaint, tiny town?
Shannon McAlister: [00:05:51] Yeah, so interesting. Cause now me and my mom are able to talk about it and we've really tried to like analyze and she's into like, self-development too. So we're like working through some of this stuff together. She said that it wasn't really an issue because she was working, she had like friends.
So it was more like a social just like at gatherings and stuff, or, you know, after work, she would maybe have a couple beers, but it was never to the point where she was like to the point she was in, in middle school and high school, because what kind of ended up happening was she. We'd go off to school and then she cleaned the house and at 11:00 AM, she started cracking, open a beer and cleaned the house.
And just by the time we got home, she was on beer six or seven, or, you know, whatever it may be. And so I always kind of knew when it was a good day or a bad day. So. If anyone grew up is a millennial out there. You'll probably remember this, but every time I would come home from school, either like Ellen or Oprah would be on.
And so if my mom was on the couch watching Ellen or Oprah, it was a good day. And I wanted to like, sit on the couch and watch Ellen or Oprah with her. But if she was in the backyard reading her book, she usually had like a glass of wine and it was kind of like, okay, like, go say hi and make sure she's like, okay.
But like, let's go scamper into our room and do our homework and like stay out of. Hell's way just in case she's in a mood today. And that was the thing as an adult child of an alcoholic, you never knew what you were walking into. You never knew the situation. You didn't know how that parent was going to react that day.
And sometimes when she was drinking, it was fine. She was like, A lovely person, but sometimes if she kinda got into her head a little bit too much, and her demons are going off in her head, that's when she was just unleashing and unpacking everything on to mostly my dad. And I would say myself because I really tried to shield my brothers from a lot of this.
So I, as the oldest would push them into the room and be like play PlayStation and then I'd have a screaming match with my mom and my dad and, try to solve. The family issues by myself at a young age, but yeah, it was.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:53] It sounds hard. And a lot of pressure I'd be, if at sixth grade, you're already talking to mom about her drinking, then it was clearly noticeable.
Shannon McAlister: [00:08:03] And that was also when I got older and kind of look back, I was like, how did no one else, like no other adults speak up on like our behalf? Like, I think that it started to kind of create this or like, feel this anger and resentment. Like how did my aunts not know how to my grandma's not know, like she would call them drunk dialing, you know?
And. Want to spout stuff out and, friends would see her at soccer games and she'd be the loudest one out on the soccer fields, a little tipsy. And I just. I actually had a little bit of reassurance though in high school, I went to a church camp and I pulled my pastor aside and I was just like, you know, I've been struggling with this family dynamics since about fifth, sixth grade.
I don't know what to do. I don't have the tools. Like, can you please help? And so my pastor and his wife were like, yeah, you know, we've kind of noticed that like at soccer games, but. You know, we didn't really know how to approach the situation. And I like looking back, I was like, you're a pastor. You're like, you're supposed to help others come back to themselves and like face their demons and find love and find God.
And, looking back, I was just like I know now that my mom had to want to get help and she had to want to do it herself and it wasn't my responsibility to fix her. But at that young age, I just, I was like, okay, all my problems will be solved if my mom stopped drinking.
And that just really wasn't true. And it wasn't that was,
Damaged Parents: [00:09:31] Is it like you believed that if moms stopped drinking your challenges, but also stopped.
Shannon McAlister: [00:09:37] that was like, I think my thought process at that young age, and I didn't realize that, you know, there's. So much more, but I think what was also going on at the time was I was getting bullied at school in sixth grade for being a little bit overweight. And so for me, it was like, home life was bad school.
Wasn't always great. And then I started to like, internalize, right? Mom thinks I'm not doing enough or being good enough. And I'm not like the perfect little child. And then people are making fun of me at school. And so sometimes it was like, I don't even trust myself. I don't even. Love myself. And I actually just recently read through like a lot of my journals and I would just like of, to cry for that little girl.
Cause she just didn't know how awesome she really was and like how much she was actually dealing with and like how brave she really was for like, just being aware of what was actually going on and standing up for herself. So I'm not like super proud of. Kind of my decisions and the way I handled it and building up that kind of people, pleaser, perfectionist persona, it saved me from a lot of pain and hurt.
But now as an adult, I've had to unravel a lot of that and peel back the layers of like, what's actually me and what's actually other people.
Damaged Parents: [00:10:54] Yeah, that would be hard. And how do you do that?
Shannon McAlister: [00:10:58] Yeah, a lot of um, inner child work. So I am now a meditation and breath work instructor. So meditation's really helped me. And I like to do a lot of visualization meditation. So especially with inner child, I've learned to kind of create a safe space in my mind. So for me, I don't know if anyone's seen now and then, but my favorite that's one of my favorite movies and there's this.
Gorgeous tree house. And now, and then, and so I visualize this gorgeous tree house and that's when I like meet my little, my inner child in there. And I just have conversations with her. I asked her, you know, what she needs or how she's feeling. And I've kind of gone back and re mothered myself and reparented myself a lot and gone back to specific memories and.
Told her like how brave she was and how love she really was. And you know, it wasn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong and that's helped a lot being more mindful, also in like learning how to actually process my emotions. I think because I was such a perfectionist and people pleaser, I was such a Dewar.
So I did all the activities at school. I tried to get good grades. I was trying to go to college and. Even in college, I worked three jobs and joined a sorority. And even post-college, I did a side hustle and a full-time business and lots of extracurriculars. And that was always my mechanism to protect myself.
If I'm so busy that I can't feel that I can't worry about my problems. And I started the store, a lot of those emotions in my body. And about two years ago, I had. Severe sciatica. It ran from my lower back all the way down to my calf. And so I started going to a chiropractor. I saw physical therapists, but really when I started to do kind of, embodiment exercises and free dancing and really just learning how to like be in my body and trust my body.
The sciatica went away. It was almost like this emotional healing really did heal that pain. And I think it was just because I had been suppressing so many of my emotions for so long and so really to sitting with myself and feeling rather than just thinking my emotions. So I think that's when I was younger, I would.
Think about my emotions, like, Oh, I'm angry and upset, but we don't have time to be angry and upset right now. So we're just going to go over here and do this and keep busy where now I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm angry and upset right now. What do you need? Do you need to yell? Do you need to punch a pillow? Do you need to go on a run?
Do you want to paint it out? Do you want to write a poem? And that's more of the questions now that I asked myself to really allow myself to feel and release those feelings. So I'm not repressing them and keeping them stuck in my body.
Damaged Parents: [00:13:36] I'm wondering if you had, if it was really hard at first to figure out what emotion you were even having, if you did not feel them, tell us about that.
Shannon McAlister: [00:13:46] Yeah, a hundred percent. I actually I think most people can only. I forget where I read this. It must've been a study, but most people can actually only identify like three to five emotions. And the funny thing is there's actually a wide spectrum. And so I just started to do a lot of research about that wide spectrum.
So like anger can be a lot of things. It could be resentment, it can be, embarrassment. It can be shame, it can be guilt. And so I had to just. Really start learning about it more. And also I think for me hearing other people's stories and hearing them identify things, and then also talking through with my therapist and having him kind of repeat back to me like, so this is what I hear that you're saying and feeling.
And then it was like, I was able to process it a little bit better than before.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:40] Okay. So having someone mirror back to you, what was, what you were saying, how helpful. Was that in figuring out then what you needed.
Shannon McAlister: [00:14:48] Yeah. So I think first step for me was just being aware and acknowledging it. And then I had to also really learn how to tune into my body. And that's something I'm still really trying to harness, yeah. But I think for me too, is just an experiment. You have to kind of. Try a few different things until you kind of figure out what works best for you because everyone's journey is so different.
And so for me I'm like an extremist when it comes to trying new things and self-development so. I'll literally just go out and try like everything. And then I'll kind of find what, like, Oh, I really liked that. So for me, one exercise class that I really like it's called the class and it's kind of mixes like embodiment and meditation and yoga, they really talk to you about like, When you get into a movement of exercise, it's like what's coming up in your mind because some, you know what I was just talking about, we store emotions.
So if you're working your shoulders, like what's coming up in your mind, is there a memory, is there a feeling, is there a sensation? And really that class has actually, been helping me identify more of like where my emotions maybe are in my body. And then what's coming to mind when I'm working through some of those parts of my body.
Damaged Parents: [00:16:05] Okay. And so, because you're working and you're thinking about that, then you're better able to identify what you needed before. Okay. And how does that help or at what point do those two things, understanding the emotion and identifying what you need. Do they do start seeing them come closer together and not being like so far apart, because I'm thinking at the beginning of your journey, the emotion you would, first of all, you couldn't identify the emotion and what it meant.
Right. And then figuring out what you needed. It might be a day or two or maybe longer so how, when did you start noticing that come together? And what did that look like?
Shannon McAlister: [00:16:45] I'd say probably it took me.
Like two years to really start figuring out what my self soothing techniques are. That work well for me I went to Tony Robbins for my birthday and that really like kick started a lot of, my self-development journey, but. I'd say between like Tony Robbins and now, my life is completely different.
I still was really struggling over with the emotions and what I needed. And I think also this year, really slowing down and having the time to myself and really trying things out and figuring out what I even like, what I desire, what I want. Because, like we were talking about, I had to strip back those layers of what everyone else expected of me or wanted from me.
And so the more and more I was able to identify the emotion like you talked about. And I think also mindfulness really helped as well. So. One big thing. I will say, if you are doing therapy, I also highly recommend a meditation practice because for me, when I first went to therapy, almost blew up all the memories and it was almost sitting back in that pain.
And so I actually, my anxiety almost got higher cause I was like ripping off this huge band-aid of all these emotions, but I didn't have the tools yet. To really calm my mind or calm my body. And so I recommend if anyone is starting therapy and you've gone through something traumatic or a pain pattern like that, really try and ask your therapist.
I didn't speak up for myself and ask for more tools. You know, he did talk about mindfulness, but I didn't feel that I maybe had the best tools for self-soothing and, and all that. So I really had to learn that on my own and really learn. What was going to work for me?
Damaged Parents: [00:18:35] How did you get better? Cause I'm thinking of adult, child of an alcoholic, not good at asking for what you need. How did you get better? and what did that look like? And were you afraid?
Shannon McAlister: [00:18:48] Yeah. So I think one of the, okay. One of the scariest moments for me was telling my mom I was going to therapy because I was just so scared of her reaction. And at the time we still had a pretty tumultuous relationship. She was sober. We were definitely trying to heal, but you know, I was just starting this.
This journey of really unleashing all this resentment and emotions that I never knew I really had. And so I remember shaking on the phone, telling my mom that I went to therapy and you know what her first reaction was. Did I do this? Like, did I make you go to therapy? And. I was like it's not just about you.
I also have a lot of things. Like teachers have said things to me. I was bullied in school. I have my own self-worth and self-esteem issues that I get to work on. And actually something really powerful happened from that conversation. She said she was going to go to therapy because she really liked what I was talking about and how it was feeling a little bit better.
And. So in that first kind of example, of being brave and telling my mom that I went to therapy, had a good response. And so that kinda helps me start to be a little bit more brave to start speaking up and saying my truth the next thing was in my company. I really didn't want to be an office manager anymore.
I wanted to be an event planner and I started speaking up about it and I kinda kept getting swatted down. But it was a trial and error. I had to keep asking and keep proving and keep trying. And, there was times when I would get really emotional and cry in front of my boss and lose it, but it was all about that practice.
And I had to just keep experimenting, keep. Putting myself out there. I also have an amazing husband and partner, and he knows a lot about my background. I talked to him a lot about a lot of this stuff. And so I really practice with him on speaking up and telling him about my emotions. So like one thing he didn't really realize he was saying, but he'd say a lot to me was you're too sensitive or you're too sensitive about that.
And I had to finally sit him down and say, that hurts my feelings. When you say I'm too sensitive, because it feels like you're just washing away, whatever I'm trying to say. And I'd really appreciate it. If you would just listen to what I'm saying, you don't have to agree with it. It's more my perspective, but I need.
To start speaking up and saying how I'm really feeling, and I need you to be a safe place for me. And he was like, Oh, okay. Like I totally get it. And now he never says that like anymore.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:25] Oh, so it took courage to say that in the first place, I would think,
Shannon McAlister: [00:21:32] Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:21:33] gosh, that would be, because it sounds like a lot of not ever asking for what you needed and then having to figure it out what you need. It would. In some ways, sounds like a super individual journey. Anyway.
Shannon McAlister: [00:21:48] Yes, it's very individualized. And that's something like I've had to really come to terms with, especially as the oldest too my brothers had a completely different perspective of what was going down in the house. Like they didn't go through a lot of the same things as me and. Their memories are completely different.
And that actually makes me happy that they don't have some of these memories that I have, because I think I was able to really protect them. And that was my mission when I was younger, you know, protect my brothers. So at first I was like, come on guys, like, I need you to see things like from my lens, but they don't.
And that actually makes me happy that they have better childhood memories. And some of the things that, that I remember,
Damaged Parents: [00:22:30] okay before healing or before this journey you're on now, what were some of the things you told yourself about back then though? Like, because what I'm hearing is that there was a change in perspective, and you're telling your story. You can tell your story from a different, viewpoint. So what are things that other people might relate to as to how you talk to yourself before that happened?
Or what were some of those things you would say to yourself?
Shannon McAlister: [00:22:57] Yeah. So one big thing I really learned is a lot of times we take on the voice of our parents. That is the hardest on us. And that kind of becomes a melt into your own inner critic, but then it kind of takes on a life of its own, right? It almost mixes with some of the other people in your life that haven't maybe said negative things.
I didn't honestly realize how bad I was talking to myself. Like the things that I would say to myself, I would never in a million years, say to my best friend and. It was just on such a subconscious loop. I didn't even realize it, but the weird thing was I was successful. I was social. I was thriving. One thing my therapist has actually told me is, you thrive in chaos because you grew up in chaos.
And so you almost create chaos all around you because that's where you feel comfortable. You get uncomfortable when it's calm, when it's stable. You almost freak out. Cause you're like, I don't know how to act in this situation.
Damaged Parents: [00:23:57] So COVID was probably really, really hard.
Shannon McAlister: [00:24:00] yay. Yes, it was. But I mean, luckily I had done a lot of work that whole year before, and so I knew that things had really shifted for me at what, when COVID started. I was laid off from my job. I was an event planner. And I also had a side wedding planning business. And when I was laid off the old me would have been a victim and been like, Oh, why is this happening to me?
I have the worst luck. Everyone's always picking on me. Like, no one loves me. I'm not enough. But the new me, the one that kind of had that perspective change really after Tony Robbins was like, Oh no, you know what? This is happening for me. You want it to be your own entrepreneur. You want to help people.
You want to help others transform and come home to themselves. This is your opportunity. And so. COVID actually allowed me to yeah. Really go inside myself and start testing things out going on Instagram live scared to death, my first one, being brave and taking bold chances and starting to speak my truth and start talking about things.
And it in and of itself was actually a really healing process for me this past
Damaged Parents: [00:25:11] To basically own the damage if you will.
Shannon McAlister: [00:25:14] Own my story.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:16] Yeah. Yeah, it just sounds like, , the story is, you know, how you, you moved from LA where it was very busy to a quiet place. And if mom wanted to hide or, She though it could, who knows what all of her reasonings were behind that. And I see almost the same story in you and that you had to get super busy.
You thrived in chaos. You'd needed that. Busy-ness so what was it like? Yeah. I mean, you really say Tony Robbins was key and I'm trying to really understand because the quiet didn't happen for COVID right. Came in 2020. And you said some of that, a lot of that healing took place before that.
So did you just have to get quiet with yourself? What did you have to do besides go to Tony Robbins?
Shannon McAlister: [00:26:05] Yeah. So I think one big thing too was. I mean from the Tony Robbins experience, there's a woman in the crowd and he was talking to her and she said, I have these walls up with my parents and I just want a better connection. And in that moment he said something along the lines of It's not your parents who have the wall up, it's you?
You're the one who's not forgiving the past. You're the one who's putting up the resentment and the blockages so that you can't connect with your parents. So when you are ready to forgive yourself and forgive your parents, you'll kind of release that and you'll be able to start building the bond that you actually want.
And in that moment, it was like in like the light bulb went off and I was like, I have to forgive myself and my parents and have to put down this heavy thing in my life. And like, say like enough is enough. Like we get to move on. And so shortly after Tony Robbins, I think it was Christmas time. I took my mom to see the Harry Potter play and we actually had a really lovely day.
And I had a clearing conversation with her. I said, you know, I'm not the rebel 16 year old anymore, and you're no longer the alcoholic. And we have to stop looking at each other this way and we have to move on and love each other and start building the relationship that we actually truly want because neither one of us wants to sit here and keep playing the blame game of who did what to who, and we have to move on.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:28] You went to mom and had this conversation about how the roles even though she had been in recovery, you were holding on to she's still an alcoholic
Shannon McAlister: [00:27:40] Yeah, I was still holding onto it.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:42] In your own mind, she wasn't allowed to change because you had felt so much pain.
She's not allowed to change.
Shannon McAlister: [00:27:48] Exactly. And I was like, this isn't fair. It's not fair to her. And it's not fair to me because she's not that same person.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:54] I'm thinking that something that talking about helps, how do you remember though, in the moments when you're interacting with mom, I'm thinking sometimes you go back to the old pattern. So how do you remind yourself, or what do you do when you find yourself holding her to that old behavior?
Shannon McAlister: [00:28:10] Yeah. So one tool, I mean, I really have had to get really good about my boundaries. So my mom really likes to chit chat on the phone for two hours and, you know, sometimes it just kind of ends up being a vent session. So I, I really had to tell her, you know, I'm available for 30 minutes today. Let's chit chat.
And catch up and, you know, she started to kind of change her tune too, and she's starting to more mirror my language and my dialogue now when we are talking. So it's, the more I've healed, she's also healed. So it's actually like a beautiful process, especially when you have generational pain, you actually have the opportunity to not only heal your children moving forward, but your parents also maybe get healed in the process of you healing.
When I'm in some conversations where sometimes she triggers me. I really try to pause now and go, I'll go do some breaths. One tool that's kind of been working for me lately is I kind of just have a conversation with my ego or that inner child. And I'm like, I know that this is upsetting you right now, but remember we forgiven her and it's different and it's just kind of that reframing in my own mind and having that inner dialogue of like, okay, that triggered us.
And like also sometimes I have to just look a little deeper. Maybe there's one piece that still hasn't been quite healed. Right. Maybe it's still. I have to really uncover that. Actually like the other day we were, I was dropping off or picking up my son and my mom made a comment. Like my blood pressure was high because of you when I was pregnant and I made a comment like off the cuff and I said, You always blame everything on me.
And I was like, Oh, I just use an always say statement. And I was just like, that's not who I am and that's not who she is. And I had to, I even just like apologized in that moment. I was like, sorry, I shouldn't have like, responded that way. And it's just being mindful. You're gonna make mistakes or you're still going to be challenged.
You're still going to be triggered, but the more you practice and the more you try to be mindful and aware, you can acknowledge those times and then just try to do better next time. When things happen.
Damaged Parents: [00:30:16] And it really sounds like to me being aware and recognizing that your you, yourself, me, whoever, whomever it is, right. Is we're all going to make mistakes and we can only change for the future or in that moment because what's, isn't there a saying about the past. The present and the future, you know, like the past is, is already gone.
The future isn't promised and the present is something like that.
Shannon McAlister: [00:30:43] Yeah. All we have is right here right now. So we get to make a decision or a choice moving forward. And so it's like when you recognize, that wasn't a proper way to handle that. What can I say next time and just process it, but also don't beat yourself up. I think that's also a big part of the healing journey is when you make a mistake or you stumble, or maybe you express yourself in a more of an angry tone and you meant to be just more neutral.
You also. Can't be up on yourself. You have to be kind and compassionate with yourself and it starts really with you. And when you are compassionate and loving to yourself it starts to kind of come out when you're speaking to other people. And so I really learned that the more that I'm really grounded and anchored in myself and have that inner harmony within myself, it's so much easier to react and respond to whatever's going on in my life.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:38] Yeah, and I love the example you gave about responding or reacting to what mom said and. From what I heard, it would have been really easy to walk away and have that internal dialogue of, she started it. She's the one who needs to apologize. I just responded instead of, you know, not even wanting to acknowledge the reaction.
Right?
Shannon McAlister: [00:32:00] Hmm.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:00] so
what about that when people, you know, have you gotten stuck or you did for many, many years, you got stuck, right. In not even being able to apologize. Because somebody did something that triggered a reaction out of you. And what would you say to those out there that are trying to shift? I mean, cause I really, I heard you say, let it begin with me and how do you do that?
How do you start with that?
Shannon McAlister: [00:32:29] Yeah. Well, one thing I really got clear about is my life is my own. I'm the creator I'm in control of my thoughts, beliefs, and actions. And. That's where the awareness and mindfulness comes in. It doesn't honestly matter. What other people think or say about you. It's how you feel about yourself and the beliefs that you have about yourself.
So yes, people are going to trigger and do things to upset you, but you have the ability to choose how you respond. So someone could come and say something so awful to you and you could totally react and say something. Quippy or smart Aleke back, or you can decide to say something that will diffuse it or say neutral, or put up your boundary, whatever you need to do in that situation.
And I've learned kind of through doing both. When I feel better about myself is when I'm able to come from a place of neutrality. Versus when I allow myself to go to the anger and the resentment. And just lash out. I don't feel good. And that's when that internal dialogue starts coming in. So the more I can get myself back to neutrality and stay calm that's when I feel better and my relationships do better because I'm in also speak, like having to learn to speak up for myself and not hold things in, because that was the other thing that I would do and hold in all these emotions.
And then there'd be like the straw that broke the camel's back. And I. Unleash like 10 things that person did and they're like, Whoa, like, what are you talking about? That was like two years ago and you're bringing it up now. And I had to just really learn to wait if something was really bothering me, get to a place of neutrality ride that emotional wave and really process what I was feeling and then come to them and say, this hurt my feelings when.
XYZ, give practical examples, you know, instead of coming at them, like you always do this because people don't also want to get the blame game. They want to have an open dialogue and be truthful about how you feel. And you guys can work on a solution together versus, you know, attacking you did this, you did that.
We don't like none of us like that. You don't want to hear that.
Damaged Parents: [00:34:47] Yeah, hearing you, you, you is so painful and. It doesn't matter if you say, I love you right before you, you, but you, you, you,
Shannon McAlister: [00:34:58] Or I love you, but it's like, no.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:00] but you, you, you do this. Yeah. That's really hard. The other thing I think I'm really hearing from you, but I'm not certain it's been like point blank said is being true to who you want to be and not to who you think you should be.
Shannon McAlister: [00:35:16] Great. Yeah, that's been a huge thing for me. And especially as a people pleaser and a perfectionist, I really had to dive into myself and figure out who am I? What do I even like? When I first met my husband, I didn't really like country music, but he loved country music.
So it just like. Always be listening to country music. And as we like started dating, I was like, I actually hate country music or not hate. I mean, let me be more kind to country music. They actually do like country music. We've done the CMT music festival, but if I'm going to pick music to listen to it's not country music.
And so. I had to start kind of waking up to these th these weird things that I was just going along with other people, because I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to put other people out. And that was part of my childhood. I was so afraid of the explosion or the aftermath that I was just, I recoiled whatever you want is fine.
But as I've gotten older and had to like really start learning, like, what do I love? Who do I want to be? What are my dreams? What are my desires? And really strip away a lot of that, you know, family conditioning, society conditioning and everyone has their opinion. You're going to get people who are going to, why are you doing that?
Especially if anyone's starting like an online business. Like I swear everyone has like, what are courses like you're a life coach. What does that even mean? And it's like, it can be frustrating, but they don't have to understand your vision. It's your vision. And it's been put on your heart for a reason and you have to be bold and brave enough.
And I promise like the more. Steps that you keep taking to what lights you up. It becomes easier. It starts life starts flowing because you're no longer hiding away the best parts of yourself. And you're starting to be the best, most authentic you. And that draws your people in. There's going to be people who end up falling away.
I've lost a few friends this year, as I'm sure many people have. I set a boundary and they didn't like it and that's okay. That is their prerogative and their perception. And I was called selfish and that hurts the people, pleaser heart. I was like, I don't want to be selfish. I still want you to like me, but I, I need to put up this boundary.
That was a big learning lesson for me. I had to really own it and say, you know what? I don't need validation that this was a good decision. This decision was made. For me to feel better, not for you to feel better. I think that's been a big learning lesson as an adult child of an alcoholic is stopping, making sure everyone else is comfortable and I'm not, I get to be comfortable and I can still be kind and I can still be respectful and I can still make sure everyone else is taken care of.
But I get to be taken care of first and foremost.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:08] Yeah. And those boundaries are for you, not them. Right? So it's like you were saying, Hey, I really need this. And then they're like, no, we don't like that. And then that, so that being called selfish would be extremely painful. And
Shannon McAlister: [00:38:25] So hard.
Damaged Parents: [00:38:26] so how did you. Get through those feelings. Right. Because I think some people in your shoes might be like, Oh, but I'll just, maybe I'll just adjust it so you could do this.
Right. And you're like, you knew you weren't going to change your boundary. It sounds like you had a lot of thought and put a lot of thought into it. So how did you get through that pain?
Shannon McAlister: [00:38:45] Yeah. I mean, for me, it was actually a decision I had been thinking about for two years. So it took me two years to make this decision I'll just, I left a group text message. So if anyone's ever left a group, text messages, so the most awkward, hard, weird thing, everyone takes it personally, but it's, it's not, I was feeling overwhelmed in a group texting environment and I just kind of needed to protect my energy and I asked for support and that's what I needed right then.
And I got called selfish and un-empathetic and those are like my two. Things that I kind of pride myself on is that I'm like an empath. And I really do try to take everyone else's thoughts, feelings, emotions into consideration when I take my actions, but on this path to self discovery, I have to stop taking everyone's else's considerations first.
I can still have it be a part of my decision making, but they're not the first thing that I look at. I look at how, what, where my energy is. And then I really had to forgive myself and say honor myself and acknowledge, that little hurt girl inside who just wanted to belong and have people support her.
And I had a love on her and then I also had to forgive my friends and just, send them love and really try to detach from that resentment of being called selfish. I just had to realize that. Also hurt people, hurt people. And she was hurt. She was hurt in that moment because she probably didn't want to lose me and things were changing and it wasn't what she expected.
And she was attached to the dynamic. And, you know, as I've gone on the journey and uncovering my own stuff, I've also able to put myself in other people's shoes and just realize, and have more compassion of where they're coming from when they do lash out or say things off the cuff that are hurtful.
They're not trying to actually hurt me, they're hurt themselves. And so I just had to really forgive them and forgive myself and
Damaged Parents: [00:40:42] Yeah, it sounds like you're also not taking on their pain as your own.
Shannon McAlister: [00:40:47] And that was a big learning lesson as well. Separating out what's truly mine and what's other people's. And a lot of people who are, have that highly sensitive or kind of empathic nature. That's what we do a lot. We take everybody else's stuff in, and that's been a big learning lesson for me with boundaries and protecting my own energy.
That's been a major stepping stone.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:09] Yeah. And you really, I don't think, for instance, going back to like the country music, cause I think that's an easy example. I don't think you. Decided to appreciate country music to hurt. You're the boy, you know, you're right now, husband, right? Your boyfriend at the time, you did want to spend more time with him and you knew he liked it.
That's where I think sometimes the other side of the coin is I don't think it was intentionally hurtful. To be that way, it was actually done out of love. And then you realize that you're losing yourself and then you go back and go, well, I really, I don't like it. And it's like, I kind of envisioned like a dog with a tail between their legs going.
I did something, you know, like,
Shannon McAlister: [00:41:50] And you bring up a good point. It's all about kind of your intention. And that's been something that I've been really learning and teaching myself and figuring out what is my intention behind my decisions. And when I speak to others, what's the intention behind it. Is it to bring us closer or is this, am I trying to cause a problem right now?
And so I'm really trying to be much more intentional about how I. Behave how I respond, how I act and the choices that I'm making is it in alignment with what I truly want. And I don't know if anyone's a big human design buff right now, but I'm a generator about 70% of the population is, and it's all about responding through your body cues.
And that's been something because I was so repressed. I didn't trust myself or my body. I wasn't really living in alignment with like my human design and that's been a really kind of fun experiment to go on this year is tuning into more of my body and what does light me up and having my partner ask me questions, like, do you want spaghetti tonight?
And I'm like, mm, no, like, no I don't, but if it's, Oh, do you want ice cream? I'm like, yeah. And I get excited and I'm open. Then that means. I want it. And so that's been a really helpful tool for me. If anyone's interested in checking out human design I found it fascinating and a lot of the things were very much to a T how I feel about myself now that I've gone on this self-discovery journey.
And it's been really helpful.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:21] Sounds like the human design thing is also helping you identify what you want by body cue and not. Because, like I said before about the country music, I'm just going to go back to, because it was a really great example. Is that what you wanted was connection
Shannon McAlister: [00:43:40] Yes. And that was the intention.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:42] the intention was connection, and yet you were hurting yourself to get that connection because it wasn't something you really enjoyed and.
I'm thinking at some point he probably picked up on that. Or did you just tell him, like, I know you told him, but did he ever, did he notice anything was off.
Shannon McAlister: [00:44:02] and that's also kind of funny because my personality is actually like, I'll just try everything and I'll listen to everything. I'm very eclectic personality. So not that I hate country music. I have fun with it, but I told him. And then I just started being more myself and like playing him my music, which is much more like indie and folk and rock and roll.
And, just a little bit more funky stuff that like actually isn't mainstream. And he actually now kind of like enjoys it sometimes, but we flip and flop between the two. Of our music and now it feels much more of a real connection because we're both sharing what we both love versus me just trying to do what he wanted to gain that love and to gain that approval.
And it's like, to your point, it was like a good intention, but it wasn't that true, true connection because I wasn't being true to myself.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:52] So you have a deeper connection now than you did before. Isn't that interesting, right? You think that's what you're going for? And it takes being vulnerable to get there.
Shannon McAlister: [00:45:04] Yes and vulnerabilities scary. It's so scary, but when you start practicing it and I highly recommended, if you are afraid to be vulnerable, pick a few people, whether it's like a best friend and aunt and uncle, or that one person in your life, or even a friend and just start being more vulnerable and also start being vulnerable with yourself.
I think so often, so many of us are. Afraid to actually look at that scary monster that's thing. And we do, we pick up our own numbing or mechanisms to protect ourselves because we don't want to feel it. But the funny thing is the moment you feel it and face it. You're released versus when you keep avoiding it, pushing it back, it's still on the loop in the background and it's still kind of running and driving the course.
And so until you take the time to actually face it, you're not going to heal it. And you're not going to be able to move on and have the true freedom and connections that you truly desire.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:02] So it's kind of like procrastinating for a paper in school. You're not really you're thinking about it.
Shannon McAlister: [00:46:09] So you're still worrying about it. You're still thinking about it, but you're not actually handling it.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:14] which is really a gosh, I've really enjoyed this conversation. So three things that you would, or three tools we may or may not have already talked about them totally up to you. Three things that you would like people to walk away from this podcast with.
Shannon McAlister: [00:46:28] yeah. I would say, Hmm.
It's so tough because I feel like I have like a million, but I'd say,
Damaged Parents: [00:46:35] They can find you on Pinterest and the rebel soul journey on Tik TOK. The rebel store, soul journey.com. So if you guys want her Milligan tips in tools, you can find her there, but free care.
We're just going to do three.
Shannon McAlister: [00:46:49] So I'd say step one, especially if you've gone through like pain and trauma, I would definitely either get a coach, a therapist, someone that's really going to hold space for you, especially if you don't have people in your life that you feel safe being vulnerable with. I'd say step two is start really learning to tune into your body and figure out what you truly want and desire.
And the more you get safe with yourself the better. So like even one example, I used to be afraid to do things by myself, but I went to the movies by myself one time, and now it's my favorite thing to do. And so you start to build confidence when you're you feel safe, too. Do things by yourself. And then I would say number three is really trying to build your connections with people by being vulnerable, by being truthful, it's going to be hard.
It's going to be messy. It's going to be scary, but I promise the more practice. And the more times you really stand up and show up and own your power, the better. And you're going to feel your connections with yourself and others so much better. Like. Night and day, my connections with people are night and day.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:02] Yeah. And I just want to add, there are 12 step programs out there too, for adult children of alcoholics and many other 12 step programs. So if you don't fit in that, that's another place to find safe people, definitely having a coach to challenge you is super awesome. And that mindfulness, you know, and definitely check out the rebel soul journey.
And on Tik TOK, Instagram, Pinterest, and just about everywhere. Thank you so much. I'm so glad I got to have you on today. Shannon.
Shannon McAlister: [00:48:33] That was so fun. Thank you for having me.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:35] Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Relatively Damaged by Damaged parents. We've really enjoyed talking to Shannon about how she learned to find healthier ways of coping. We especially liked when she reminded us that other people have to want to change. It's not up to us. To unite with other damaged people connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week still relatively damaged see you then.
