Episode 44: Wow! I Didn’t Know That
Maureen Gibbons
Maureen Gibbons enjoys her work as an emergency physician at a level 2 trauma center, triathlon coach and sports nutritionist. She loves bringing her message to the public as a speaker, coach and bestselling author of Happy First: How to Win Life in the Moment - at home, at work, at the gym and even in the kitchen.
She has been helping guide people toward their best careers and lives since her days as an athletic trainer 25 years ago. Maureen’s journey through marriage, medical training and parenthood have taught her the value of true happiness. She has mastered the art of going home to make breakfast pancakes after a night shift of life and death situations. She lives a real life in the real world.
Social media and contact information:
Facebook: @Ironmoe
Instagram: @Ironmoe
Twitter: @Ironmoe
LinkedIn: @Ironmoe
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Podcast transcript:
Damaged Parents: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Relatively Damaged Podcast by Damaged Parents where crusty, crisp, cracked people come to learn. Maybe. Just maybe we're all a little bit damaged. Someone once told me it's safe to assume. 50% of the people I meet are struggling and feel wounded in some way. I would venture to say it's closer to 100%.
Every one of us is either currently struggling or has struggled with something that made us feel less than like we aren't good enough. We aren't capable. We are relatively damaged. And that's what we're here to talk about. In my ongoing investigation of the damage self, I want to better understand how others view their own challenges.
Maybe it's not so much about the damage, maybe it's about our perception and how we deal with it. There is a deep commitment to becoming who we are meant to be. How do you do that? How do you find balance after a damaging experience? By hero is the damaged person. The one who faces seemingly insurmountable odds to come out on the other side hole.
Those who stared directly into the face of adversity with unyielding persistence to discover their purpose. These are the people who inspire me to be more fully me. Not in spite of my trials, but because of them. Let's hear from another hero.
Today's topic includes sensitive material, which may not be appropriate for children. This podcast is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended as advice. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them.
Today, we're going to talk with Marine Gibbons. She has many roles in her life.
Beautiful soul, who is also a mom wife. Daughter, half sibling emergency room physician. Author of happy first coach sports, nutritionist, and more.
We'll talk about how she broke through her crusty shell to find vulnerability and humility learning to admit she may not know the answer Let's talk
Welcome Maureen Gibbons to Relatively Damaged by Damaged Parents. We're so glad to have you here. You are a coach. You have stand smiling.com, which literally puts a smile on my face. And you're getting ready to start your learn to thrive inaugural class. Thank you for being here.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:02:23] thank you so much for having me.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:25] Yeah. I mean, our pre-interview conversation has been fantastic.
So I can't wait to see what little diamonds we unravel or find, you know, dig out whatever the word is today.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:02:35] that sounds fantastic. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I think we've got a lot to explore.
Damaged Parents: [00:02:40] Yeah. So you're here to talk about struggle. And one of the words you used before we started was. Or statements was while your life just took a left. I thought that was really interesting. Maybe you could start with the left.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:02:54] Yeah. I'm sure a lot of people have a very similar struggle, but a lot of my issues and coping skills, I guess I think the, a better way to do it. Cause they're not really issues, right. They, they save your life at the time. You know, I was six years old and a year before my parents had gotten divorced.
So, I turned to food, looking back. This is, you know, how I see things. My life took a left and, you know, there was of course arguments before then this was the early seventies. So we weren't quite, as, I would hope to say enlightened as we are today connected. And I think when my parents got divorced, it probably even before, and I wrote about this in my book, happy first that, I felt like.
I didn't have a home, which doesn't make any sense really, because of course I had them with my parents and then I had very, accepting homes from each parent from then on out, but I never felt it. So that was me. That was something was, was I guess, broken inside of me or not formed yet. Let's phrase it that way.
Not formed yet. So, you know, when they got divorced, I think my life took a left. That was a branch point. If you watch any Marvel movies, I'm so sorry about the tangents, but if you watch Marvel movies in the Marvel timeline, that's always what it reminds me of like, Oh, the timeline just branched off.
You know, my life took a left and I started using food, which was very effective as an escape hatch. And I started at about six getting migraines. And then I didn't realize they were stress-related until I was in my twenties.
Damaged Parents: [00:04:17] Migraines are rotten. Can you explain for the listeners that have not experienced it, what that feels like to the best of your ability?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:04:25] Yeah. Well, when I was a child my parents and my mom, I guess had told me that I was having a sinus headache. Right. Cause that's what she had. So that's what she could relate to. And I thought it was from being out in the sun, but looking back, I think it was because it was a lot of people-ing a lot of family where I do well.
I like to be by myself. I need the regrouping time and it looks like, looking back that I would be out, you know, at a barbecue or something. My migraines are mostly right-sided. They used to back in the day, the, on the right side of my head, and then I would throw up and I'd have to hang out in a dark room until I went away.
At 22, I lost peripheral vision and lost the use of my right hand, uh, with a complex migraine.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:07] So with migraine can literally cause loss of use of limbs and things like that.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:05:11] yeah, I thought I was having a stroke at the time.
Damaged Parents: [00:05:14] Okay. Okay.
That's fascinating. I had no idea.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:05:17] yeah, so, you know, it's, again, it's one of those chronic medical things. That's difficult to deal with, you know, and I, I don't see a headache specialist. I take magnesium for example, that has seemed to, keep them at Bay. I know my triggers.
So what my symptoms are these days, which my husband actually helped me try to navigate these. He's a physician as well. We're both emergency physicians, just for a little bit of background. I've been having these right arm symptoms for a long time, but now their right leg as well, which doesn't make any sense, like with a normal MRI, just again, the pictures don't fit.
The symptoms. So my husband said to me, probably six months or so ago, he goes, do you think those are migraines? And I thought about it and with, you know, stressful situations, because this has carried on my whole life. I thought, well, maybe let's try some preventative magnesium, and now my symptoms are tolerable.
They're workable. So that's, but again, those started when I was six years old.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:10] Okay, well, really neat thing I heard you say is. The fact that you're a physician and say an emergency room physician and say, this is that the symptoms weren't matching you couldn't see that on an MRI or a CT. You, but you certainly felt that it was very real to you.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:06:27] Almost every day. I have some symptoms in my right arm and my right leg.
Damaged Parents: [00:06:31] Okay. Fascinating. I just really love that. You're willing to say that because I know in the chronic pain community, there are so many people who feel like they can't be heard or they aren't heard.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:06:43] That's part of the reason I haven't seen a headache specialist, to be honest, because I think in the community and the medical community, we don't know what to do with it. And we don't like something that doesn't have an answer. So it's almost like the patients feel like they're not heard. Well, we feel inadequate because imagine if your specialty is chronic pain and the patient comes to you and says, I have this pain and you can't fix it.
You can't even see it. Actually that's what a lot of my coaching does is what if there's an alternate story? Right? So the medical community looks like we're a bunch of uncaring fools who just throw pills at people. But what if in reality we're really frustrated because you know, our education doesn't match what the population needs. So we're sort of stuck, right? Like we don't know what to do. We don't literally, we don't know what to do sometimes. Yeah. We're like, I don't know. And the patient's like, well, you're acting like I don't have a problem. And I'm like, no, no, no, I just don't know how to fix it.
Damaged Parents: [00:07:31] Sounds like it could lead to real frustration on the clinician side in that you can't fix it, but saying, I don't know is maybe not okay. on the clinician side.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:07:44] Oh, it's not okay.
It's not okay. think about it. You're paying a lot of money to go see a doctor. Who's a specialist who is there to treat your pain or fix your pain or treat your issue. And sometimes, you know, like within, I like to use myself as an example because I, you know, we've got these chronic issues and I went, and I got an MRI of my neck because I was losing muscle mass on the right side of my arm.
And I had a teeny tiny little disc bulge, which I think was actually more caused by the actual muscular issues. Just. To medical, but caused by the muscular issues, not the disc causing the symptoms, my personal opinion. And, well, then I, you know, I talked to the orthopedic doctor who I'm good friends with and I said, so here's the deal?
Why do I have leg stuff now? And he goes, that doesn't make any sense. And I said, I know it, doesn't that's why I'm asking. And that's when my husband said, what if it's migraine? I said, well, I don't know. But I didn't feel like chasing that down. Right. So it's not, I've worked really hard to make it not debilitating.
I do strengthening, I do stretching. I do trigger point. I do some, I do a lot of things to make it not debilitating. So I have that luxury. Right. I have the luxury,
Damaged Parents: [00:08:51] and you have that knowledge to know what. Those steps might be also, I remember someone saying to me a long time ago she felt better without eating gluten and the thing is, well then why do you need to go get a test done? If you know, you do better without gluten, what's the point of eating gluten to feel miserable to then go get a test,
Maureen Gibbons: [00:09:13] You know, in a lot of the tests are going to be inconclusive anyway or say, Oh, you should be fine. Well, but you know, you're not, You know, and I feel better when I get enough sleep. I feel better when I exercise every day. And I'm not talking hard exercise. I'm just, just activity movement.
Uh, I feel a lot better when I have caffeine. So I try to walk that line between severely over caffeinating myself and, just, you know, making the symptoms good. So that was kind of the first left, but you know, you don't know you're in the middle of taking a left sometimes cause there aren't roadside.
Damaged Parents: [00:09:43] Yeah, thank you for going down that left with me I really appreciate that. So yeah. To keep going. Definitely.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:09:49] So, You know, and I'm sure there've been a lot of other lefts, right? Like, so 11 years, 10 or 11 years ago was a really critical turning point for me. I had just gotten out of residency and I had started a job that was we were understaffed, but I didn't really realize again, how many times am I going to say this?
I didn't see this at the time, because I had just gotten out of residency. And so when they asked me to work more shifts, I thought, well, great. Number one, I was getting paid. So that was good. And, you know, but the environment wasn't, the external environment was definitely toxic. But I also had some issues internally, right?
I've been hypercritical for many years, both of myself and to others. I was difficult to live with. And what ended up happening is I ended up getting to a point where it was very dark. It was very dark. Uh, I was critical in my brain. I was critical at home. I was very irritable. And I, I couldn't live with myself anymore.
And my husband at that time, my same husband, but at that time he said I can't do this. I can't do this. And I said, here's the luxury you have. You can leave. I'm stuck with my brain.
And I had that insight. So I'm grateful for
Damaged Parents: [00:10:56] That's huge. That's huge insight. First of all, second of all, I wanted, I was wondering if you could give us an example of what that hypercritical voice was like in your head and the feelings that came with that.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:11:09] It's looking back, it's always seeing what's wrong. It's like taking a look at a beautiful picture of a beach and you're looking out at the water. And you can hear the ocean and there's just nice gentle lapping waves. And all my brain can see is that tanker out there, miles and miles away. It's a teeny speck.
That's all my brain could see was I can't believe it's ruining my view.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:35] Okay. And it's tiny. Like
Maureen Gibbons: [00:11:37] It's tiny. Like it's not that it's nothing. So, you know, my husband would always ask, what's wrong. And I find something every time he'd asked. And I, it's a lot of conditioning, you know, I grew up wanting to be perfect.
Damaged Parents: [00:11:50] Right?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:11:51] yeah, I don't know. I am what I am and that's, uh, yeah, I'd like to be better tomorrow than today, but I grew up wanting to be perfect and I'm sure I could unpack that. But the experience that, that gave me being that dark is that it made me see that I felt like suicide was an option. It felt like it was a valid option. And all at the same time, my beloved pet had died. He was my baby at that time. And so it was just like one after the other, after the other, you know, of course, it's all I can see. Right. If I'm looking at that little ocean liner, my beloved pet dine was huge and it was just, I couldn't, I almost couldn't function.
And suicide really wasn't an option, but I couldn't live this way and I couldn't see a way out. And I listened to a couple of things. I had to get away out there. I couldn't stay there and that's, you know, that's where the rock bottom, the beautiful rock bottle. I landed and I found, ended up again, the student is ready.
The teacher appears a couple of really good resources that helped me out. The way I describe it, sort of in my coaching is like, you're stuck in this. Sphere a dark black sphere and it's black, it's dark Yuki. There's nothing. And all of a sudden there was a crack in that wall and the light comes in.
And once that ball is cracked, you can't seal it up again. You really can't now you could probably medicated away with food or alcohol or shopping or drugs or, or work or any of the above. Which is what society likes to do. Fortunately, unfortunately, depending on which side you're on. But once I saw that crack and I thought, this is a way out, I can see this, what if my brain could do this?
And it started, and it started the process and it's taken a bit to kind of. You know I've had ups and downs reality. And it's taken a bit to take hold, sort of permanently. And I say permanently, like my life is not fantastic. I'm not happy every day that, you know, I'm not, not excited, but when I get angry at someone which is worse than them getting angry at me, might I add, I can bounce back.
I can bounce back. I can apologize. I've gotten very good at apologizing. You know, but I can regroup and I can, bounce back pretty quickly. And I think that's important from the standpoint of, maintaining an even keel. And there are quite a bit of struggles that we have. So about a year ago, I had another, uh, left so to speak.
My boss came to me and he was worried that I was having trouble at work.
Damaged Parents: [00:14:18] Okay.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:14:18] And I was like, and he said, I'm going to cut your shifts into shorter shift groups. I got angry at my boss and I have a very good relationship. I yelled at him on the phone. Straight up, yelled at him enough where he said, shut up and listen.
And I said,
okay,
Damaged Parents: [00:14:35] glad you have a good relationship with them.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:14:37] Right. For real. So I started talking to me and I realized at the time, my eating issues had gotten out of control again. And that was really where the problem came from. You know, it wasn't work. It was a lot of irritability. And two of my colleagues had approached him and said, I'm worried about her.
I thought, Oh, well, that's not good
Damaged Parents: [00:14:52] Okay.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:14:53] because I make quite a bit of progress, but for them to think enough that they're, they were worried about me. They thought I was crusty. I am a little crusty at baseline, but this was extra crusty. And so. Long story, long story longer. One of the, one of the phrases I use on a regular basis now kind of came to me that day.
What if I don't know best? And again, it was something that was like a crack, right? It was like a crack. in that sphere of what if I don't know best? What if this is something I need to take heed of? So he said we can always go back to your other shifts. Let's do this, and this is weirdly enough, right before I started writing my book.
And two weeks after I started writing the book COVID hit and which there are a lot of blessings in that for me, but that's another story. So anyway that's kind of something I live by, I tried very hard now to not shut people down. Because they might have something extremely important because they're looking at me from the outside.
I'm looking at me from these broken filters that they just might not be right. What if I don't know best
Damaged Parents: [00:15:55] I love that question because it makes me think about rethinking. And best practices. And if I, if we have best practices that we're living by, then how could something else come along yet? We seem to improve as society. It was science and all kinds of different things. Right. And in all kinds of different areas better seems to keep coming.
So are we ever, have we ever really arrived at best?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:16:24] Oh, I don't think so.
I don't think so. I mean, if you look at the studies, even where they say we've only, we only use like 10% of our brain. You know, I think our senses, uh, the traditional five senses really have us limited. I think there's so much more out there, that we can't see and then we feel it, right.
You feel it in your gut, you know, when you're doing something and like, Oh, this is good. This is great. You know, I've, I've been on quite a few podcasts at this point and I love doing them. I just, I love meeting people. I just, it's one of my favorite things. but I know like when I get someone that I'm like, Oh no, this is good.
Like you can feel it, right. It's not because you saw something, touch something, heard something it's, there's an energy there, you know, and that's the happy, first energy that I talk about in the book, oddly enough. You know, because we're all formed from that same energy. So we're connected, we're all connected.
And I think that the more we keep that connection. We just keep getting better. You know, I think the energy just continues to vibrate on a higher level, we in them, but then you can see things right then the other five senses come in and then you can see things. You're like, why have I never seen this before?
This has always been in my house.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:26] Yeah. Or you see something from a new perspective now, so perfection getting from perfect and crusty, if you will.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:17:35] I liked the crusty I'll own that one. I will
Damaged Parents: [00:17:37] Yeah. Yeah. I
Maureen Gibbons: [00:17:38] And any of my colleagues who happen to listen to this. Oh yeah, they got it.
Damaged Parents: [00:17:42] They know that getting to that point. Where, how did you keep going? I mean, yes, the crack happened. I mean, was it just simply, you just kept going because you knew you needed to keep going. Cause I heard also suicide in there or thoughts of suicide. How did you keep moving forward? When things got so dark,
Maureen Gibbons: [00:18:01] You know, I think that looking back, one of the most important things to moving forward is you see progress. Like, so say it's a Monday and I that's too stereotypical. Let's start on a Wednesday. Um, So it's a Wednesday and I'm feeling terrible, like, and I'm literally having a day where I feel like I cannot go on.
And I start listening to a podcast. For example, one of the ones that I played incessantly at the time was Stin Hansen. She has a meditation podcast where she just literally goes through these like affirmations and meditations. Well, the bottom line is my brain was ugly. So I put, in other words, both visually and auditory that.
We're not mine. I had to get out of my own brain and I'm lucky enough that I didn't choose food or alcohol at the time. I don't know why I didn't, to be honest, I don't know why I didn't pick my drug of choice looking back. But I put things into my head because I could not stand where I was like, it was so bad.
And so, but the next day, right, so that's a Wednesday and things were pretty bleak. Well, Thursday things are a little brighter with that crack. And that's progress. So once you see the progress, it's like, Ooh, wait a minute. I guess I'll just keep going. Cause that's better. And that's it grows on itself and it gets larger and it gets larger.
And, you know, once you get more people that understand the energy just gets bigger.
Damaged Parents: [00:19:25] And it sounds like it was totally cool with you. In fact, you needed to borrow someone else's words to borrow someone else's piece and to connect and. Which brings me back to the crusty and perfectionism. It sounds like it would be really hard to connect with people when you're in that space. So as you borrowed these other people's words and phrases and thoughts, if you will, did it become easier?
What started to happen for you?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:19:54] I started to feel like I could breathe. Like I wasn't under, you know, a 10 ton brick. Everything for me before that, like it was always, everything was critical. You know, everything was always like taught. I just think of conversations with my husband. I was not a mom at that point. So, but I just think of conversations with my husband, that everything was all about, well, you know, what's going to happen.
Where are we going? What are we doing with this? And everything was always big. Everything was big thing. And after the, before and after, And once I started to have these new thought patterns and get out of the huge ruts that I was in and start to, you know, carve new grooves. I could almost like I could talk to my husband and just kind of say, Oh, that's really cool.
Glad to have a good day. Totally not connecting. Like we think, right. You know, we think connecting is always just digging into these big issues, just to look at his face, you know, just to, just to look at his face and. Maybe ask him, how was his day was God forbid get out of my own head. And I've missed an ugly place to be on your own in the dark.
Damaged Parents: [00:20:53] Right. I mean, but you, it sounds like you didn't. Have to turn something simple into something complex and deep and hard and challenging. It could just simply be how it was now, was that feeling foreign and how did, if it was, how did you cope with that?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:21:16] Yeah, completely foreign. I had never, in my, I got to think about how old I was. I was about 37 38 then, and in those 37 years, I had never had a day that I wasn't super stressed, you know, would my marriage fail? Would my, would I not be able to finish a race? You know, I was in training for iron man, what is my job going to be worse?
What am I going to do about this or that? Or what about this? What's what's happening with this? what's happening in this aspect of my husband's life that I can't see, or there was always so much overwhelming worry that it would, that, that 10 ton brick. So in my 37 years I had probably never had a day.
That I wasn't worried that I wasn't. And when I say worried, I'm not talking a little bit of worry, like, Oh, I wonder, no, no, no, this is not, I wonder this is I'm looking for answers. I'm searching for clues. I'm looking for that stupid tanker off on the horizon, because I've got to know what are the numbers on that tanker side.
I need to know, you know, and that's what I was. There was always this relentless search for what is wrong. Because if I could unearth that then maybe I could fix it.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:24] Was it because of this idea that it could be fixed?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:22:28] it's almost like if maybe if I unearthed every problem, then I could fix them all and then life would be perfect.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:34] Yeah. What do you think about that word fix?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:22:37] Hate it. Cause I'm a fixer. Like I, I, I have a total fixer and I get this right. I mean, I'm starting a coaching business. Why? So I can give people, you know , so I can do what took me 11 years in like six weeks.
Damaged Parents: [00:22:49] Right, right.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:22:50] because I want him, I don't want people to be miserable. I want to fix them. It's what I do.
I'm a doctor, I'm a coach. I, you know, before I was a doctor, I was an athletic trainer, you know, before I did that, I was a lifeguard. You know, that's what I do is I fix people. I help people. I, so, but fixing, I guess on the flip side, though, with my coaching, fixing does not mean a permanent fix, right? Fixing is teaching someone how to fix yourself.
And that's not permanent either. That's just a process. You go through that, you know, when, when the storm comes, what do you do to stand smiling? You know, what do you do to weather that storm, to come out of the other side and be like, all right, well, that's sucked and carry
Damaged Parents: [00:23:31] Yeah. Yeah. And that's really hard because what I'm thinking of right now is, heaven forbid you get that bad week and, or that heavy feeling and you just aren't capable or you get sick and you physically and emotionally because with illness, I think emotions go down too, right? Do what you had thought you were going to do that week and it would be really easy to beat yourself up.
So how do you, I mean, it sounds like you just got to surf through it or stand in the wave or what's I missed
Maureen Gibbons: [00:24:05] One of the, I have quite a few mantras that like, literally, and again, it's other people's words or words that I've formed or phrases that I've formed that really get me through some things, and I use this a lot. weirdly enough, when I recently did a half Ironman relay, I did the bike in every language, but obviously 56 miles on a tri bike is a bit uncomfortable at times in various places.
And I would say to myself, all right, you know how to do this? You ride the highs and you ride out the lows. That's it. Cause it's the same process. It's just one of them feel shorter. So just, you know, just go through and just keep going. If I needed to use less effort to get through the lows and less push less force on the bike, I would.
So I went a little slower and I still beat my projected best time by seven minute. Yes.
Damaged Parents: [00:24:49] in the midst of this race, it sounds like you used some things like self care. To get through it and then it turned out even better.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:25:00] yeah, it did weirdly enough. It, it went from, you know, I just, I used the things that I know that work in an athletic setting, which seems like they shouldn't even be applicable. And it completely changed the race for me. And the result was better. I mean, that's the thing, right? So we can talk about all these nebulous changes and you know, self-help for years.
And then in the end, the result matters most because we live in a results oriented world, you know, it, it doesn't, we need results and I know as much as I'd like to say that everything is in our brain. It starts there, but then we go further. We have to go further but yeah.
And it's weird that I related that story because I expected the race to be more enjoyable, but I didn't expect that to go faster.
You know, I didn't see that coming
and there was a heck of a headwind.
Damaged Parents: [00:25:49] Well, and it sounds like even in, so you said more enjoyable. So even when you were struggling and you were having those challenges and you're thinking, okay, I need to take some self-care right now and just not push so hard, that, that might also be applicable to an emotional struggle in real life.
Maybe I don't need to push so hard because I'm, you didn't see your seven minutes during the race. That's fantastic. I'm just having an epiphany over here. Don't mind me.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:26:18] That's fantastic. Tell me your thoughts on that. Tell me, tell me what you're thinking.
Damaged Parents: [00:26:21] that I love the idea that I can slow down and maybe not see the results. And yet, by doing that self care in the slowing down moment. It bolsters me for the times when I am capable. That's what my thought is. And that maybe it's that, that in my mind makes S kind of gives me more of a, an excuse or an okay.
So it's more okay. If you will to take a break when necessary.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:26:51] Yeah. Like what if you took a break? Like say like last week this is a little bit different than my normal voice. I'm finally recovering. I joke I had a man cold last week. Not COVID of course we got tested. And I've got the luxury of being vaccinated, so I'm very, very grateful for that. But I still felt like Pooh COVID or not.
And it was a week off of work. That was scheduled to do Ironman, Texas, which was postponed. I will not do it until 2022. So I took this week and put a ton of work into my coaching, but I'd have these periods in the middle where I'm like, I feel like dog poop. I got to lay down. And what if, when you took the breaks, it allowed you to have clarity when you get up that you get twice as much done in half the time, but you deal, but you don't see it until the end of the race.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:37] Yeah. You wouldn't know because in the midst of it, you're thinking you're failing
Maureen Gibbons: [00:27:42] Yes. In that story that you're failing. That's what makes it failure.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:49] Yeah, because then chances of getting up and getting those things done because of what you've said in your head are slim to none.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:27:57] Yeah. You're just going to give up.
Damaged Parents: [00:27:58] Yeah.
Which is what makes it the failure.
I mean, I love that, that what we're talking about gives me that it makes it feel a little less. Scary to take that break when necessary.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:28:13] Yup. Yup. I totally agree. You know, and the thing is I used to, when I started doing triathlon, about 12 years ago, I had a coach and she has a very good coach and she used to tell me, you know, if you're tired to take a day off, Well, I found almost the opposite. I found that I was tired a lot of days. I just didn't feel like doing it.
And she'd be like, no, but you know, you work really hard again. So all these excuses, so there's a really, I think a fine line between. Coddling yourself because sometimes, and actually I do discuss this in the book now that I think about it. But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is get up and get whatever it is done. So, you know, sometimes I don't feel like going outside for a run. You know, my runs, these days are mostly walks, but sometimes they're run a little longer, who knows and, but I'd get out there. And no, I don't always push you to be like, Oh, once you get out there, you'll be fine. Nah, some days I'm really not im just not going to be. And that's okay. You know, that's where that, that I'm still moving. It's still the activity. It's still the distance of a mile or two miles or three miles. Even, like I said, I've been sick, but I like to get outside and I don't feel like getting outside, but I go, because again, that's part of the race.
That's part of the, I know the things that make me better and I have to get those done. Which is also by the way, why I coach myself in triathlon now, because I kind of call my own BS. I can always talk because I can always say I'm tired. Who's not tired, we're busy. And we, we do a lot of things, you know, as parents and, and, you know, coaches, doctors, why isn't everything, you know, life there's a lot of things to get done.
Yeah. Yeah. The human-ing is very tiring.
Damaged Parents: [00:29:51] It is, it is. And it's super complex because, I mean, and I love that you brought that up too, that sometimes you still, you just have to get up and get going and. That I it's really hard. I think to find that balance of when is it, when do I need to push a little harder? And when do I need to just ride it out for a little bit?
And what does that look like? It's super complex.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:30:15] It is, it is. And I think that's where practice comes in. You know, we talk about meditation being a practice medicine, being a practice, but that's another story. We practice it, things, we do things, you know, when you go down a road, you're like, Ooh, that didn't work. Come back.
Or then you, you stumble on something that works. The key is for me. Anyway, if I stumble on something that works, don't try to make it better. Just do the thing. Over and over and over again, it doesn't have to be perfect. Good is okay. Just keep doing the same things over and over again, because consistency is really what gets results. You know, it's never this drastic thing, right? It's almost like I just, for some reason I keep relating it to medical stuff, apologies for that. But you know, people will go in to get a knee replacement, for example. And they come out with this excruciating pain and they're surprised like they chopped, your bone off, first of all, and it hurts, you know, and they have to recover from the surgery.
So again, there's still, they think it's going to fix everything. There's that word again? And then it is fixed in the long run, but you still got to do the consistent daily actions that get you to carve those new brain grooves or muscle grooves or, you know, whatever you're rehabbing, Because, you know, those old grooves don't ever go away in your brain, you know, I think addiction teaches us that you've always got that ditch is waiting for you to fall in. You just, you've got to carve a new ditch.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:37] And even then you're saying it doesn't go away. So you got to keep practicing. So I think what I hear you saying is even when you pick up those new habits, it doesn't mean that those old habits aren't going to sneak back in if you will,
Maureen Gibbons: [00:31:51] Yeah, well, they'll grab you. They'll grab your right by the throat.
Damaged Parents: [00:31:54] But maybe you recognize them sooner.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:31:56] You know, I think that's the key. I think that, the faster you can see or earlier, even because the change itself is instantaneous. I truly believe that once the crack is there. That's there. You're like the change is instantaneous. I think maintaining the change and integrating into your life with other people, because people will still see you as the same old person.
So they're going to treat you like the same old, critical hypercritical person, for example. And you've got to rest in the fact that none of that's not who I am anymore. I don't sit in that ditch and they're not there. And it takes a while for people to see the change.
Damaged Parents: [00:32:33] Yeah and if they're responding to you as if you're the crusty hyper-critical perfectionistic person, then it would be really easy for you to respond in that way. And then before, you know, it. You're back where you were. And so in those moments for you, what did you do to help keep moving forward? Even though, I mean, I heard you say, I know I'm not that person, but what did you do or what did you tell yourself?
Do you see where I'm going?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:33:03] Yep. One of the biggest things I do is shut my mouth.
because I've had instances where I have I've gotten in these deep, deep discussions about, you know, with my husband who is, you know, I care about him deeply and he's giving me his opinion on my behavior or something, over the past few years, for example, and I would sit there and I think.
10 years ago, I would take that as, Oh my goodness. I'm failing. I'm failing at changed because he can't see it. And then the past four years or so I've learned number one, shut your mouth. You're only gonna make it worse. So don't, you know, don't buy into it. Right. Just take a step back. And I was, I would create this space between the two of us really.
And I would picture it like as a space. This other human being is saying words. I am having thoughts. They don't have to be related. So there's this space in between. So number one, I'm like I said, I closed my mouth and I would say some kind things, you know, like superficial kind things I say superficial, but they do matter, you know, or I'd say, well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
And that's it. Because I am sorry that he felt that way. I don't want to be that person. I never want him to think I'm that person. And that makes me sad, but I don't want to say all those things. Right. Because then it just muddies up that space. Right? Keep that space clear. No, I'm sorry. You feel that way or?
Wow. You know, I had a therapist once years ago, did that said, wow was a complete sentence?
Damaged Parents: [00:34:21] Isn't isn't that true? I love it is it really is gold. And I love what you said about. You were, your thoughts were changing and he wasn't seeing it yet. And I think that's really interesting that because there are times I know in my life where I've thought other people needed to change or they thought I needed to change and for crying out loud.
It wasn't happening fast enough for anyone.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:34:45] For sure. You're like, could you just make this change please?
Damaged Parents: [00:34:49] And you can't read someone's mind.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:34:51] And you can't thank God, right? Oh, geez. I don't need people looking at what's in there, but yeah. And you can't see their true thoughts, right. Because, and they're usually probably a lot better than we think, to be honest. So, you know, you can't see inside other people and they can't see inside us.
So remember, and I guess I'm going to think about it.
There always is that. Whether I'm picturing it or not. we're never truly connected. We are still single beings that we're energetically intertwined, I guess, but we're never going to understand their perspective. We're never going to sit behind their fight, their face.
Damaged Parents: [00:35:24] Yeah. I think it's really interesting. You use that word understand because I had, I think it's Chris Voss, he does negotiate it and it was, one of the things is take the, that, you know, I understand that right. Your vocabulary and now the way you put it in that there's that space. And, you know, I have my mind that no one can see into and they have their mind that no one can see into could I really ever true. So if I remove that statement, Then I'm left with having to ax, instead of saying, I understand what you're saying. It's it's Oh, this is what I hear you saying, which actually gets me deeper. Anyway. I hadn't thought I couldn't figure out why he wanted people to remove. I understand now. And I finally got it.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:36:14] You know, and I, I had never heard that, that you should take it out of your vocabulary, but it kind of makes sense when I think about it, because when you say, Oh, I understand that shuts you down right there. You're done. Because you think, Oh, I get it. I have concluded everything. I'm good. I got this.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:27] Yeah, conversation is over. There's
Maureen Gibbons: [00:36:29] Yeah, we're good.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:30] How do you, how do you continue on with that? Because if you say you understand to me, How
Maureen Gibbons: [00:36:36] Like there's nothing else to say.
Damaged Parents: [00:36:38] do I go next? I can't go anywhere. I can't even, I can't be like, well, I mean, I guess what I can say is, well, what, what does that, what does I understand mean?
Cause I'm not sure that you totally get it,
Maureen Gibbons: [00:36:49] So how, like, or how, how were you feeling about that? You know, so you understand, but where does that put you? Like, are we good? Are we bad? You understand what's going on?
Damaged Parents: [00:36:58] Yeah, no, I've got to comedy bit a little, well, not really, but my kids, we had gone through a challenging time in the family and, I was like with one of the kids, I did not know how to respond at all. And, she got in the car and I wasn't sure she was excited or not. So I was like, well, how does that make you feel?
So, okay. So after that it became a mantra. Well, how does that make you feel, mom? How does that make you feel like? And so we stopped using that one for, but you just reminded me of that comedic moment because I was so worried about how to respond that I really couldn't respond. And I just use this blanket.
Well, how does that make you feel? Cause I was trying to figure out if I needed to be excited or not.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:37:42] Is it okay. If I'm happy, you know? And that's actually a good thing. It's a good statement that just came out of my mouth. Like I love when these things come out and I'm like, Oh yeah, what about that? Because I, you know, when I was changing, it's not, it isn't instantaneous, but not process. Right. You know, it's, it's just, it's like you said, it's very complex.
And there were times where I, I remember thinking, God, is it okay? Then I'm happy. Like I'm not supposed to be happy through all this stuff. I shouldn't be happy. I should be upset or sad or, you know, and I would have people say, well, you know what? You should worry about this. This is, that's not right. You don't deserve that.
That's my favorite. You know, you don't deserve that deserve what? Like, it's not like I deserve, what do you mean you deserve? I'm like, I'm a human on the planet. I'm here. That's it crap happens. You know? I don't know.
And you know, does anybody deserve anything bad? Does anybody deserve anything? Good? What if it just is?
Damaged Parents: [00:38:34] I like what you said about, it sounds like you were in the middle of a struggle when you were thinking, Oh, I can't be happy, or I can't be this thinking that, that struggle had to encompass all of who you were. It sounds like, and that anything outside of that just didn't exist in it couldn't exist.
Like you couldn't even allow yourself to find joy. During the struggle cause some of these struggles, I mean, even from what you've said, they took a long time.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:39:03] Yeah. And who wants to sit there and be miserable for a decade while I was miserable for three and a half of them. So there's that,
Damaged Parents: [00:39:10] so how did, so did you just start learning to be more relaxed and be like, Oh, I can be happy right now and not judge yourself or.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:39:19] Yeah, I guess, part of that, you know, I think a lot of the behaviors that I do, whether it's, a lot of it was listening and reading things, but say I had done that for years. So I don't, I think it was literally like hitting that low and realizing I can not think this way anymore, you know, and those are the people that in coach is the ones who are stuck inside that dark bowl that just cracked open that they just say, you know what?
I can't do this. There's gotta be a different way. And I that's when I'd
like them.
Damaged Parents: [00:39:46] sounds like they no longer want to theirs because it's so painful that because it did work
for a long time.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:39:54] Yeah. And like, you know, like I said about, you know, the food coping mechanisms, for example, or the, you know, the migraines. Cause they, they took me out of having to people, you know, so I could sit and go in a dark room when I had a migraine I'd go in a dark room by myself when I was eight and be by myself.
And it was okay. So it was an acceptable coping mechanism to sometimes, you know, those things pay off. Food as a coping mechanism, it is a slam dunk, easy coping mechanism. You know, you get a high from it. It's, well-proven, you know, again, the aftereffects are uncomfortable for 18 reasons.
But it works in the moment, right? It makes life tolerable in the moment, but I think sometimes you don't want to change. Sometimes you don't. And those are the things I think that take a little bit longer, but I don't want people to, like, I don't want people to come to me as a coach forever. I want to show them how to deal with like the most important thing.
Right? So for me, it was the hyper-critical brain with relationships and such. That is the, that was the game changer for me. Some other issues have taken a long, a lot longer to deal with, but I've. But I know how now. Right? I know I've got a process of how to get through things and how to bounce back. So that's the change, so then not perfect.
Not perfect yet. Still working on it.
Damaged Parents: [00:41:08] Yeah, I'm not sure we ever get there. I had a gal come in. She was in her seventies and she was talking about a struggle with her kids and her grade, I think in her grandkids. And I thought to myself, Oh, if she's struggling, then. This might be going on for a while.
I'm going to be learning and growing for quite some time. So how do I find joy in the midst of the challenges? You know, it's just hard.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:41:37] It is. And I don't think we're taught these things at a young age. I don't think we're taught that. It's okay to be happy. At least I wasn't. Like there was always something to be happy about, you know? Oh, we're going on vacation. That's something to be happy about. It's sunny outside. That's something to be happy about.
You couldn't just be a conduit for happy. And that's my whole book. Happy first is about, you are happy. You are born happy. You don't have to make yourself happy. This energy that flows through you that creates your cells creates your hair or your eyes. All of it. That is energy from the universe. That energy is always there.
And it is, it's what I would consider the definition of happy. Cutting yourself off from that is what makes you unhappy. So you don't need a car, a house, a spouse, anything to make you happy, but you can pretty easily as a human cut yourself off from that. And I think that's what we're taught.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:36] I think, yeah, because I mean consumerism and all of that. If I buy this, I'll just be happy, you know, commercials.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:42:44] All about the Doritos. That's good.
Damaged Parents: [00:42:45] I'm telling you the commercials, the car, that house. If I just get this and I don't know about you, but that made me happy for a minute.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:42:54] Yeah. Yeah. And you know, when some things are nice and I'm not saying I don't like nice things, you know, Michael Neil, one of my favorite authors who I started listening to about 12 years ago. Ironically, I have written him an email here and there that has said, you know, listen, thank you for saving my life because I was one of the people that really stuck his info in there.
And he has a thing that, you know, there's nothing wrong with wanting peace of mind and a nice piece of real estate, but it's not, don't do it with the expectation that that's going to make you happy.
Damaged Parents: [00:43:21] Right. Yeah, because if you do it with the expectation that having that house or having that car or having, then you're just working for that is what I hear you saying instead of finding the joy in what you have
Maureen Gibbons: [00:43:34] Right in what you're working for, you know, I mean, imagine if I had gone through medical school with the perspective I have now the best, best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. now the second best time today.
So I try not to berate myself for not coming to this sooner and not approaching different situations in life with this, because I think I could have done it better.
But everything is in its time. I actually just had a recent post in social media. You know, things aren't in your time, things are in their time.
Damaged Parents: [00:44:04] Yeah, and that's hard to accept. I think.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:44:07] Yeah. I don't like that. I like control. ,
Damaged Parents: [00:44:09] A long time ago. I had a conversation with a friend of mine about control and mind you, I was working in the medical field at the time. You know, around nurses, nurses, love control too, and his argument was controlled, did not exist. And I'm like, yes, it does. Yes, it does. .
He won the argument in that the explanation was that if you can't control the way the synapse in your brain fire does control really exist. And I was stumped at that point. I was stuck. I was like, wow, I'm not sure.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:44:46] yeah. Like what really can we control?
Damaged Parents: [00:44:48] Yeah, it just takes this into the universe I don't know what that means. I know that I've got a purpose, clearly have our purpose and the recent for being here. And those are important things to know and to follow through on and to trust what that purpose is. And to stand in alignment with it is also really important.
I think. I'm not certain. That means we're controlling it.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:45:18] I don't know, you know, maybe we control our actions in service of that purpose, you know? Cause I can choose not to follow. I've, you know, I've had, uh, I had a few objections here and there to like getting this business going and, you know, really making it larger instead of just doing a couple of coaching sessions here and there.
What about making this larger? I've had some kickback from, you know, friends, family, and, uh, one of my business coaches. It says my family still lives at know what I do. 10 years later, I joked about that and I was like, Oh, okay. But you know, I think we can, we can control things from the standpoint of where we choose to align our energy and effort.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:54] Yeah,
Maureen Gibbons: [00:45:55] And that might be it.
Damaged Parents: [00:45:56] Yeah. You know, cause I was even thinking about that. When somebody had made a post somewhere asking a question about how they got their podcast off and made it popular. And then one of the responses was we really don't know how, what takes effect when it takes effect and why it just, we don't know. So good luck,
Maureen Gibbons: [00:46:18] keep doing stuff and see what works.
Damaged Parents: [00:46:20] Exactly. Exactly. I'm really glad we got to have this conversation. I'd love to have you conversations where we can investigate deeper meaning and understanding. So I'm really grateful that I got to have you on the show today, Maureen. So are there three things that you would like tips or tools to give listeners that they can use in their daily life before they make it to your class?
Maureen Gibbons: [00:46:42] Yes. Yes. Okay. So if I were to have, if people are taking notes and they just need a little thing to jot down, ask yourself, maybe I don't know, best. No, just, just that little statement, maybe, I don't know, best next time something comes in that makes you mad or, I guess it's a lot of questions, you know, the second one would be, what if I don't know the answer.
So, you know, say your boss is a jerk, right? That's what's, you know, that's a story that's playing in your head. What if we'll wait a second? And I joke because I'm a big Marvel fan, right? So I was joking. What I kind of use people to walk through this. What if your boss is a Skrull and he's really trying to infiltrate the universe, you know, like, and that just gets you laughing.
You're like, Okay. Maybe, maybe my boss has a Skrull maybe that just explains everything. And you know, so you don't, maybe you don't know the whole story and of course you don't know the whole story, right? You can't be behind their, their brain. You don't, you don't know, you don't understand. So asking the first thing, maybe, I don't know, best the second thing, maybe, I don't know the whole story, you know, and then the third is.
Just really the big thing for me that I would love for people to know is that there is a different way to be, and there is a better way to live that doesn't take hours of effort a day. It doesn't take a humongous house. It doesn't take a house on the beach. I do have escape fantasies. Don't get me wrong.
We all do. But you know, it doesn't take all the things. It takes some shifts, you know, and that's why the biggest component in my coaching is transformational conversation. Like we just had, because once you start asking the questions, you can't unknow the answers.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:11] Isn't that true. Wow. What a great thing to end on.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:48:16] Maybe you can't un-know the answers like once you see them? Yeah. You can't unsee them. Like once that lights there.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:22] Once you start asking the questions, there's no way to un-know the answers. So true. So true.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:48:28] You know, and it's a, once you see you just, you can't unseen. And boy, that stinks sometimes, right? Because you also can't sit and be lazy and not do anything either. Because again, you just, you're, you're getting pulled toward this passion and this, this growth, and it's pull, it's pull. It's not a push.
It's not a push. Cause you hate where you are. It is a pull.
Plain and simple.
Damaged Parents: [00:48:48] Like you have to do it. Like you're compelled when there there's something inside of you that says I have to go this way.
This is a better way. I love it. Thank you so much Maureen for being on the show.
Maureen Gibbons: [00:49:01] Thank you so much for having me.
Damaged Parents: [00:49:04] We've really enjoyed talking to Maureen about how she learned to ask questions and be willing to acknowledge she may not know. We especially liked when she said your boss just might be a Skrull. To unite with other damaged people, connect with us on Facebook. Look for damaged parents. We'll be here next week. Still relatively damaged. See you then.
